Resolving Marital Conflict

8/12/2019 Resolving Marital Conflict

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Resolving MaritalConflict: a tool forcounselorsTheresa KiernanSUNY Oswego


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Conflict difference: a disagreement or clash between ideas, princippeople (Bing Definitions)

It is not the disagreement that is destructive to a couplesrelationship, it is the way in which the disagreement occurs leads to distress, (Long & Young, 210)

Conflict is normal and inevitable

We need to teach couples healthy ways to disagree.


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Anger [Anger] can be a message that we are hurt, that our rights are b

violated, that our needs or wants are not being adequately met, simply that something is just not quite right It is not anger thaproblem but how we express it, (pg. 212)

Anger Genogram- reveals patterns in the family, including theexpression or inhibition of anger, , and can assist partner as theyattempt to learn how these patterns affect the way they currentlywith conflict, (p. 213)

Withdrawn Partners- fear humiliation or that they are not entitled to theifeelings Withdrawal sometimes used to exercise control over partner

Verbal Abuse- attacks the abilities of the partner Discounting partners ideas, put downs disguised as jokes, blocking and div

accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing the partners viewpoithreatening, name-calling (pg. 214)


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Conflict Issues and Patterns Control, Power, and Equity- Control issues center around resourc

such as space, money, and children Becomes a win-lose struggle rather than negotiation

Blame- Attribution that the other partner is the cause of the proband denial about ones personal responsibility Makes us feel temporarilybetter about ourselves Fosters avoidance, retribution, anger, and withdrawal

Justification- you made me

Rationalization- I did it for your own good Debilitation- I go crazy when you do that and I cant help it Vilification- I know you try to feel superior to me, so you make jokes in front

friends

Triangulation-Drawing in a third element to the disagreement Excessive work, in-laws, friends, drugs or alcohol, children, or an affair

*Long & Young, Pg. 215-216


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Interactive Conflict Patterns (pg. 217) Pursuer-Distancer Pattern

Both partners contribute to lack of closeness/intimacy, blame the othersee pattern Pursuer- initiates discussions/conflicts, over-plans partners time, follows par

through house, initiates sexual interaction, over-communicates Distancer-retreats for privacy in the home, deflects intense conversation, dive

attention/ intimate verbal communication

Reminder-Procrastinator/Overfunctioner-Underfunctioner Patter Allows one person to underfunction in relationship, yet becomes resentfother partner nags

More reminders given = more dependent the procrastinator becomes = for the reminder

Parent-Child Pattern Parent- criticizing, punishing, withholding praise, demanding tasks or ceresponses

Child- withdrawn or rebellious behavior, helpless responses rather than a position of responsibility and equality


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Equity Wheel

Long & Young, pg. 223


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Communication Wheel

Observation:I saw, I heard

Thoughts: Ithought

Feelings: Ifelt

I WANT tofeel

What I cando

*based on conversations with clinical social worker Phil McDowel, borrowed from marriage enrichment programs


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Spousal Response to Communication W

Youobserved

Youthought

You feltYou wantto feel

I canhelp by


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Feeling Wheel


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Taking it a step further Follow-up questions:

May ask spouse how do you feel when your partner says? Helps a more withdrawn partner disclose feelings and confront effectivelydevelop empathy in other partner. May go on to ask is that how you wapartner to feel when you said...? what did you intend your partner to thinwhen you said? what might be a more effective way of saying that?

May ask do your feelings or thoughts relate to anything in your pas If so, can you share that with us? (develops understanding of self in one p

while developing empathy in other partner- ultimately leading to change May ask when have you felt (loved, appreciated, etc.) in the past?

Helpful if they struggle with identifying what they could do to help

*based on conversations with clinical social worker, Phil McDowell


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Example & Discussion Pursuer-Distancer pattern-

Pursuer- what might they observe, think, feel, want to feel, and what they do to help.

Distancer- same

Discussion What benefits do you see in using the communication wheel?

What improvements would you make to the communication wheel?

Do you think you would feel comfortable using this technique in ses


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Communication Wheel And Long & YounIntegrative Model? Pg. 81-88: The Integrative Model

Stage 1: We Have A Problem Assessment/Shared Definition Each person is heard and validated by the other listening- helps them agremutual definition

Stage 2: We Have a Common Goal Goal Setting The how would you like to feel phase helps to identify affective goals

The what are you willing to do phase helps identify behavioral goals

Stage 3: We Have a Solvable Problem Interventions This IS an intervention- communication Follow up questions also help identify what has worked in the past and idstrengths as well as alter cognitions (how does this relate to your past/faorigin?)


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Communication Wheel And Long & YounIntegrative Model? Pg. 231 Long & Young: Considerations for Working With Co

Conflict 2- interrupt the pattern (style of conflict)

4- alternative to verbal abuse

5- example of equitable communication

6- helps couple reduce blame (I statements)

10- teaches fair fighting and problem-solving

13- positive way to turn conflict into resolution


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Other Techniques/Strategies Role Reversal- Partners switch places symbolically and phy

(change seats and take on behaviors of the other) THEN p use to help each partner see the others reality from a different per

Creates new insights into the problem

Using Metaphors- one thing is expressed in terms of anoth Provides fresh perspectives, is more interesting and less threatening

Contracting- If you do this, then I will do that Partners must communicate and negotiate the terms of the contract

Reframing- change a negative meaning into a positive one Helps couples think and feel differently about an issue

*Long & Young, 225-229


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Teach Stress Reduction and Mindfulness Stay in the moment- i.e. not bringing up the past or worryin

about the future

Calm down before attempting a conversation

Observe things without judgment = less misunderstanding


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Encourage Wellness


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References Long, L.L. & Young, M.E. (2007). Counseling and Therapy

Couples. 2ndEdition. Belmond: Brooks/Cole.

Resolving Marital Conflict

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