Relationships part 1 Starting any relationship is easy , it’s the maintenance that is difficult ! 2010 Explore this

topic further in your text Ch 8 and 9.

What are Relationships ?

• They are Connections we establish through interpersonal communication.

• We experience intimacy when our sense of self is accepted and confirmed by another.

Different forms of relationships

• Relationships of Circumstance. Look around you right now , you are all in a relationship of circumstance . When our lives overlap or when we do not have choice.

• Relationships with Teachers , Co-workers and yes your own Family fall into this category.

• Relationships of Choice. You got it ! , we choose them.....friends , lovers , therapist ....

• We act very differently in both kinds of relationships because the stakes are different !!! .... Explain how !

.....continued.....

• Relationships of circumstance can of course become relationships of choice .... This is happening right now in our class .... When classmates become friends .

• Interpersonal Attraction. Is the degree of intimacy we choose to give a relationship once it passes through the stage of ‘’circumstance’’.

Short-term initial attraction. Is the degree that you sense you would like to have an interpersonal relationship with another.

You may never act on this because of the short-term time frame involved...meeting someone in an air port or at a seminar. .....continued >

......Short-term attraction continued.....

• So you meet a person out of circumstance, You are attracted to them but decide that you will not act on your feelings because it’s not the right time ...

• Or it would never work out. At some point later on you have a conversation with this person an discover that you have a lot in common, this could lead to the next category. Long term maintenance attraction.

Long-term maintenance attraction

• This does not have to be a sexual relationship.

• You may be building and maintaining such a relationship in class right now through friendship.

• This relationship is based on value / rewards ..... When the value or rewards stops so too does the maintenance and thus in time the relationship.

Value in the relationship

• There is value / rewards in every relationship.

• We all seek value otherwise we would not be in the relationship in the first place.– Think of one relationship you have.– Who is getting the most value?– What value do you gain ????

…….Continued

• In some cases the relationships we have may appear to have become valueless for us ....

• However it is possible that the other person involved may still be obtaining some value. This causes friction and resentment.

Examples of relationship rewards • 1) The nice car they drive . • 2) Being seen with them is exciting. • 3) They need you and that feels great. • 4) Being with them means you are not by your self. • 5) They help you with school work . • 6) They have money . • 7) Being with them provides you with status . • 8) You love their family and friends. • 9) Sex. • 10) It’s a co-dependent

relationship...drugs...gambling...food...crime. • 11) Add your own !!.....

P O V Predicted Outcome Value

• It sounds bad doesn't it ! ....early in the relationship we are already deciding what the value outcome will be.

• If we are not skilled at this we can become used .... if we live by this we become the user. .... Explain ??

Take a moment and think about P.O.V. , now look back at some past relationships .... What was your value to the other person.

Maslow’s HierarchyOriginal Model

The way in which core needs are fulfilled is just as important as the needs themselves. - Abraham Maslow

Attractions ,what draws us to others ?

• When choosing friendships we tend to choose others that are similar to us....this validates our self-concept and makes us feel safe.

• We will choose relationships that already mirror our sense of self-worth ... Be it high or low.

Even with friendships physical appearance is a fundamental indicator for attraction.

It is often the first thing we notice ! .... The nonverbal messages , clothing , hair , age , attitude .......

.....Attractions.....

• Commonalities fuel any relationship.

• When we grow apart we lose commonality. – Even with a deep physical sexual attraction

communication and commonalities are key. With out them the relationship lacks depth and richness. It will fail !!

Sexual satisfaction is very important in any intimate relationship however healthy relationships require multiple stimulants.

Attention must be given to all aspects of the relationship.

Global dating customs ‘’ diversity ‘’

• Afghanistan : Dating is rare as most marriages are arranged . Girls have a 7pm curfew / Boys 11pm.

• Australia : Teens go out in large groups and will not pair off until age 18. Girls often ask Boys out and pay for the date !

• Iran : It is against the law to date ! Parents introduce young couples and sometimes courtship follows.

• Japan / Korea : No dating in high school. Couples get together to study . Dating occurs in collage.

• Do opposites attract ??? Assuming you want

to take a risk they do . We may see them as a vehicle to new experiences ,learning and self assessment.

• Communication is key ! Research shows that opposite attractions can be exciting .... They can also run a high risk of fizzling out once the excitement runs dry and there are no commonalities to fuel the relationship .

Complementary Needs• When both people contribute something. Once more this can be any kind of

relationship , siblings , friends ...

• We have 3 relationship motivators in regards to our personal needs ... Inclusion , control and affection.

• A) Inclusion : The need to include others in our activities or be included ourselves.

• B) Control : The need to take control and make decisions or allow others to do this for us.

• C) Affection : The need to give love and acceptance or receive it.

• Complete the skills builder on page 271 of the text ‘’ Are your needs complementary ‘’ ... This will make a great journal entry !

Power in Relationships

• In every relationship you have there is power dynamic at work. One person has some power over the other.

• Assuming that we all have needs in relationships , the power becomes our dependency on the other to have those needs met.

Five Principles of interpersonal power

• 1) Power exists in all levels of interpersonal relationships.

• 2) Power derives from a persons ability to meet another persons needs. The moment you satisfy a need you have power ....... How ???

• 3) Both partners in relationship have power at one point or another. When both are satisfied with each others needs it’s referred to as an interdependent relationship.

• 4) Power is circumstantial. As we grow and mature our needs change and so does the power dynamic.....the relationship will experience some evolution for better or worse.

• 5) Rational development involves negotiation of power. Each person decides what they are willing to give up for something they need.......Freedom for Intimacy and so on.

Explain this image

Types of power in relationships

• Legitimate power: The respect we have for the position another person holds......doctor , police officer , your parents.

• Referent power: The power of attraction , another persons charisma / good looks. We meet their needs because we are in love / lust.

• Expert Power: Given to those who hold knowledge or experience in certain matters.

More examples of power....• Reward power: The power we hold when we provide rewards

for others . Rewards are very common in relationships......give examples!

• Coercive power: The intentional act of with holding rewards. Examples might be money , affection , freedom ..... Can you think of others ???

• NOTE : Cost and rewards, We make decisions in relationships based on this !

Maintenance • When value falls in a relationship that

is based on need so do does the attraction .

• Maintenance in any relationship is absolutely essential !!! ...One way to insure this is to be other oriented .... What does this mean ??

• Identify need based conflicts. Directly discuss these issues.

• ‘’You can’t always get what you want , but if you try sometimes, you’ll find , you get what you need’’ Rolling Stones.

Part 2: Building , Maintaining and Ending Relationships.

The Quality Life Theory

• This theory suggest that we all have a particular mental image in our minds of what we expect to find in an ideal life.

* This mental image is composed of countless ideas and past events and experiences in our lives.

* We have an image of our ideal career, friendship, relationship, marriage, home life ....

* When Quality finally meets Reality we can fall into a relationship crisis.

• Quality of Life ideas largely depend on a healthy and realistic sense of self.

• Unrealistic or derailed life goals can lead us toward a personal life crises......for example a mid life crisis.

                                                                                                                                                         

Midlife crisis: Riding out a midlife crisisSome men never want to grow up

Are you man enough? Martin Lawrence, Tim Allen and John Travolta in Wild Hogs

• When we experience a relationship crisis we often feel a sense of personal failure, loss of intimacy, a sense of wasted time and effort, and a loss of trust and feelings of desperation.

• A relationship crisis could be triggered by a Quality Life experience ...... – This isn't my idea of a great career !– She / He isn’t who I imagined marrying !– This is not my dream house – I can’t imaging being her friend. – Life is not how I planed it

Stages of interpersonal Relationships

• We measure interpersonal relationships in relation to levels of intimacy

• During our relationships there will be turning points that may be insignificant or major events.

• Significant events will have an effect on the relationship and redirect it’s path ..... For better or worse.

Escalation / De-Escalation Stages

• UP• 5) Intimacy ‘lover/best

friend’.• 4) Intensification ‘ close

friend’• 3) Exploration ‘ friend’• 2) Acquaintance.• 1) Pre-interaction

Awareness ‘ stranger’

• DOWN• 1) Turmoil / Stagnation

• 2) De-Intensification.

• 3) Individualization.• 4) Separation.• 5) Post-interaction

effects.

Emotional Hostage Taking• When you with hold forgiveness

in a relationship.• Offering unfelt apologies .... They

cause even more harm.• When we search for reasons to

blame or find fault with another as a way of maintaining our control in the relationship.

• All of these are related to personal trust and control issues.

Signs of relationship problems• Men and Women differ in how they handle relationship

issues. See your text pg 308.

• 4 stages of trouble between to people in a relationship.

• 1) Criticism / Attacks.• 2) Contempt through insults. • 3) Defence behaviour...whining , excuses...• 4) Stonewalling..withdrawn , minimal engagement.

Ending Relationships• Bi-lateral dissolution: Both parties agree to end the relationship

• Uni-lateral dissolution: When one person make the decision for both parties.

• Fades away: When both parties just gradually grow apart .... This is very common with friendships.

• Sudden death: This could be infidelity , death , a major conflict.

• Emotional Bankruptcy: When the conflicts finally take there toll. The relationship is too toxic to survive. The value did not justify the cost !!

Tips for success !!

• Be open / honest, self disclose appropriately.• Self monitor your perceptions. • Listen ‘‘actively’’. Confirm responses.• Express emotions.• Provide comfort and support....be an advocate.• Engage in relationship talk.• Be tolerant / show restraint.• Manage conflict cooperatively.

Why Relationships End• Jealousy / being critical.• Braking confidence ... Telling stories about the other.• Not helping in times of need.• Not trusting / confiding in the other.• Criticizing in public. • Failing to show positive regard for the other.• Not defending the other.• Failing to be tolerant of others friends.• Not showing emotional support.• Constant Nagging.

30 Days, Straight guy in a gay world

Best Friends .

The End

• We have briefly covered this information. For more depth you are directed to read your text book. Ch 8, 9 and 10.