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REINVIGORATING

IN OTHER BREAKING NEWS:Students cheat in elections usingslave sabbatical officer in cellar topaint cardboard. Johnny Dolan thedemocracy loving Chair of GuildCouncil made this comment on thetravesty They weren't stopped

because I don't know why really.His astute observations have beentaken very seriously because of histerribly important position. He hasalso promised to remain as partialas possible in future Guild Councils.

PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE JACKKEARNS NARROWLY MISSESELECTION this Saturday at theUniversity of Birmingham Guild ofStudents, over 20% of votes weregiven to a candidate running on an

electoral platform of 'FullCommunism'. This stunning volumeof votes comes after a minimalelection campaign which consistedmainly of a Youtube video and acomprehensive redraft of adissertation. A group callingthemselves 'The Silent Majority'have given a public statement of

relief We were incredibly worriedabout what would happen ifComrade Jack were elected, weare all allergic to cats andcouldn't have survived in theGuild if Jack's policies wereimplemented.. Returning OfficerBrendan Casey also expressedrelief at the election result, and

returned his gardening gloves to theshed. In his post elections musingshe made this statement We had afantastic result tonight AgrarianReform simply isn't the way forwardfor this University, It is imperativethat I spend the next year workingout increasingly complex ways towaste students money on my own

and other undemocraticallyappointed University managersremuneration packages. Jackhowever has other plans.

It is not a matter of when I'm elected It's when I seize controlPresident in waiting Guild of students 2012-13

THE DIALECTICVolume OneA publication for subversive political satire and the promotion of counter-hegemonic discourse

ELECTIONS SPECIAL!!!

@Adam Paigge expressed his jubilation at the Marxist-Leninist

slate elected on Saturday, hewas seen tweeting this commentwith an expression of glee on hisface This is ridiculous!. 1.

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Instructions for successful navigation of the tightrope1. The death of God has been getting usall down, there is no denying that. Nowthat we have detached the earth from thesun, and erased the horizon from view

with a sponge, we are in perpetual dangerof an all-consuming nihilism. In short, thewinds of the modern age threaten to blowus from our tightrope and render us a sicksociety. So, if you, like me, are sufferingfrom the crushing nihilism of ourcontemporary age or, as I like to call it,the age of the perpetual wake then hereis my first tip buy some rugged footwearand a warm coat.2. Now that we have our rugged footwearand warm coat, we are ready for the threemetamorphoses that will deliver us from areactionary negation of life. I amassuming that many readers are currentlycamels you are bearing the burden ofthe post-Enlightenment age, wanderingthe desert with a weight upon yourshoulders a weight of false affirmation.

In order to cast off this weight, it isnecessary to become-lion, as this willenable us to move beyond the desert andcarve a space for freedom and forcreation. The desert will threaten toconsume us, yet it is a space for creation,and it is the lion who can use the spaceafforded to us by the withering of God tocreate new values. So, my second tip is topurchase a new hat, preferably one thatwill provide shade in the hot sun while welabour to create our new values.3.It is assumed that you all know a priestor preacher of slavish guilt. My third tip isto invite them to dinner and set them onfire. This will set free our will to power,allowing us to turn it outwards and use itto construct heroic values.

between Animal and Ubermensch

10 useful t ips on how to becomeoverman/woman - inspirationdrawn from the writings ofNietzsche.

4. Whence we lions have carved a spacefor freedom and creation, it is time tobecome-child. A child with an energy andzest for life. We must play without guilt in

the pastures of affirmation which wehave carved from the desert. As a child,we will find new values in the pastures oflife, embracing them and casting off themist of the afterworld which seeks tooppress our play. Therefore, my fourth tipfor negotiating the tight-rope is to findsomething you desire and embrace it. Donot name it, but love it and revel in theglory of reacting actively upon an objectof the lifeworld.

5. Do not be a tree. Endeavour to bemore like grass.6. When someone disagrees with you,hurts you, condemns you, do not harbourpoisonous sentiments towards thisperson. Instead, use laughter to beatthem with. In the battle which ensues,you will affirm your strength in

overcoming an adversary. In the process,it is likely that they too will overcometheir prejudice towards you. If this is notthe outcome, then ignore them and dosomething else with your time.

An example of theUbermensch in its

natural habitat

2.

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7.Remember, only an ass says yes,yes, yes. Affirmation does not requireyou to become an ass or freethinker.Rather, you may feel as thoughcultivating a noble ascetic lifestyle willenable you to overcome yourdependencies. A good place to start

would be to go and liveamongst the world. Climb the nearestmountain to you, make camp in a cave,befriend an eagle and a snake, and staythere for 10 years. Whence you havedone so, descend like the sun and tellothers of your insights.8. Thinking while sitting down is a badidea. Eat a hearty meal and walk around

for a bit. That way, you will inevitablycreate noble concepts. Fried produce isnot a good idea. Try to eat a balanceddiet and refrain from drinking strong tea.9. Seek out all prejudice and totems ofgood and evil, then, take a hammer tothem. These things are blights upon thelandscape of humanity, and seek toshackle us to a will to truth whichcondemns those of difference and of

strength. A sledge-hammer is relativelycheap and easy to locate. Buy one. Youcan also use it for DIY projects.10. If you make a promise and fail tokeep it, do not feel guilty, and crush allthose scarlet judges who condemn palecriminals. Instead, when you fail to keepa promise, get somebody to kick you inthe knee and do nothing more. The pain

will cultivate a good conscience withinthe self.

Reynolds takes Eastyjet under his right wing

In a tense vote, David Talkto Franklin was duly electedas the new President of theGuild of Students. In the fourthround of voting, with justFranklin and Tom DuFraineremaining, he won with 2072votes.David Talk to Franklin took tothe stage amidst avid applauseand after shaking hands withMark Harrop - he dramaticallycollapsed. Falling to the floor,

he dragged the podium with him- devastating the only thing withany kind of backbone onstage.

Doctors later discovered thatupon making contact withHarrop, all of the good bones in

Franklin's body had beenextracted via his palm.Following brief attention fromfirst-aiders, Franklin, a nowwithered husk, returned back tothe newly appointed Sabbs andNon-Sabbs. An expert onelection theatrics has advised

all students to be careful to wear thick and toughenedgloves whenever shaking handsor interacting with Harrop. 3.

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Huge disappointment from thegoldenboy of the radical left artscene, you can see here Bauer isactually not very good at painting

within the lines - he often deviatesfrom the expected picture. Ofcourse, some students on campusmight feel this disregard for "theoutlines" makes his posters morepersuasive, although I imagine someon the conservative side of the art

world find it disconcerting. This workcomes nowhere near the greatness of

his previous masterpiece the muchacclaimed 'Traitors Not Welcome'.

4.

The guild elections over, theclone of Ed Bauer installed asVPE, the flaccid failure Harropconsigned to a history book no-one can be bothered writing - theUniversity can be pleased with itsexertions. The completion of aplan conceived by such carefulexcogitation, to install a false-flagcandidate to secure a co-operative replacement for Bauer,is a breathtaking piece ofefficiency, ruthlessness and

scientific endeavour It was theVice-Chancellor himself, whoconstructed the clone, alone,scratching at a single slab ofprize sausage meat.Those of us aware of thedeception, but powerless to actagainst it, have attempted to 'out'

the Bauer-clone at many socialand political events. We havestood on the steps of the AstonWebb chanting about the amountof gristle in his hair, the breadcontent of his stomach and eventhe spicy intestinal make-up ofhis ear-lobes. But to no avail.

The left are deaf.

Plus a change, plus c'est lamme chose.The village door swung open andthe cops put down their guns, the

liberty bell was ringing and thepeople, they knew they were free.The long oppression, depression,suppression, repression anddiversion of expression that hadcloaked their lives for nearly ayear now became thinned in itsopacity to nothing more than a

worn out bedsheet held togetherby the stains of careless lovers,and the blood of happy sinners.

If you've enjoyed whatyou've read here why not

try reading the blogs of theother local comedic

collective Birmingham

University YoungConservatives