“Full of Bull, Full of Bulldogs”

Monday, Apr. 5th, 2010•Volume 79, Issue 5

• Riverside Brookfield High School • 160 Ridgewood Rd. • Riverside, IL 60546 •

NewSBLURBS

Bankrupt -RB will officially run out of money tomorrow. Or maybe the day after. Or maybe the day after that. Well, it’s kind of hard to tell.

COMIngUP

QUOte OF tHe iSSue

--read the full article on page 549.

•April 1st, 2010the amazing Clarion April Fool’s issue comes out but no one is at school to read it.

St Growdricks Day -St. Growdricks Day festivities cut short by boy who decided he needed a haircut.

SEE Team solves Global Warming Member of See team realized that - if we all stopped throwing away one aluminum can a day - we’d solve global Warming. Yay.

Teacher’s humor- english teacher George Miller’s sense of humor made obvious by quirky multiple choice options.

•April 1st, 2075Mr. Mancoff resigns his post as Clarion sponsor.

•October 31st, 2112the Chicago Cubs finally win a world Series.

“I am so excited to be the quote of the issue. I know that the only place this quote will appear is right here and that it’s not actually in an article, but it’s still so exciting to be quoted. Oh... my... GOD!” --Marge

In a response to a recent controversy regarding the brand new canvas in the

atrium that feature penguins on them, assistant principal John Passerella enlightened the students and staff as to why exactly the school spent referendum money on such decorations. “Funnily enough, the canvases were supposed to have Bulldogs on them but the order must have gotten screwed up,” stated Passerella. “But we took one look at them and said to ourselves: ‘these are fantastic’. Thanks to the referendum, our great public high school looks like a palace now, and we now need a mascot that reflects our school’s new found swag. So as of next year, we will be the Riverside-Brookfield Emperor Penguins!”

New banners reflect changes in traditional mascotRB takes on penguin pride

So there actually was a purpose behind purchasing canvases other than trying to merely impress visitors with pictures of animals that are irrelevant to anything related to Riverside-Brookfield High School, but to give everybody a preview of what to expect for next year. It sure is reassuring to know that referendum money is going to a good cause. Athletic director Otto Zeman is simply ecstatic at these changes. “They’re great,” he said, barely containing his excitement. The change in our traditional mascot has gotten not only the school’s athletic director overexcited, but the student body can’t wait for next year’s changes either. “I can’t tell you just how pumped I am to be an Emperor Penguin next year,” said senior Rick Nartney. “As a proud student of this high school, we deserve a mascot as majestic and real as we are!”

these emperor penguin banners represent the first of many penguin decorations that will soon be lining the walls of RB.

-photo by Suchy

Passarella’s mic to be frozen in time capsule

This year to commemorate Riverside Brookfield’s renovation of the entire

school there will be a time capsule buried to be opened 50 years later. The Time Capsule Commemoration Committee, otherwise known as the TCCC, has decided that they want to represent Riverside Brookfield with Assistant Principal John Passarella’s microphone. “What could better represent RB than Mr. Passarella?” said chair of the TCCC David Sibley. “All his qualities reflect exactly how RB is here and now. Qualities like our undying pride for our school, our mastery of sarcasm, and our ability to do the least work possible. Every school should have qualities just like ours; it even says it in Newsweek! Children from future generations going to this school will know exactly what it was like just by opening up our time capsule. Go Bullfrogs!” The mic will be frozen in carbonite, so that years later, when we figure out how to unfreeze carbonite, it’s glory can be freed to tell the world of how our school was way back when. The mic’s memories of the past will tell the high

schoolers of tomorrow that, yes, we were that nice to students. We didn’t mind that they listened to their iPods in class, or that they turned in homework later than usual, just as long as they got it in. We got to interview the mic the week before it was to be frozen in carbonite. “Yes, I am honored to be buried in the time capsule. By the time they unfreeze me, the people of the future will have found a way to live forever. So I will encourage wise choices forever! Also since I came from such a dignified school everyone will want me to be their mic. I mean who wouldn’t know how dignified RB is; it even says it in Newsweek.” Although the mic will be buried in the time capsule, it is not the only thing to commemorate RB. Buried along with her will be a 20th place trophy to show our incredible athletic abilities, a piece of our million dollar football turf, and a small portion of our immense choices of AP classes. “I’m really looking forward to this commemoration ceremony,” said Sibley “Trust me future generations will marvel at how incredible our school was way back when.”

Nartney added. “I can’t wait to go post this up on my Facebook page!”

EddIE moRRIssEyWorking on Gov. Homework

In the spirit of April Fool’s, all stories in this insert are fictional. Participants were contacted and asked for permission before names were used.

Also frozen in time Capsule:-20th place athletic trophy

-Piece of million dollar football turf

-Clarion’s award winning newspaper

-A living emperor penguin

-A crispito which will still be fresh

-An AP curriculum booklet

April Fool’s editionRead at your own risk! Seriously. I mean, not seriously. Well, you know what I mean!

joE “sWEEt and” sauERfrustrated beyond belief Relic found to best represent the school

Random Holiday Gnome

Apr. 05, 2010•Issue 5bad news2

Riverside Brookfield High School

A new animal is running things at RB when it comes to sniffing out drugs.

Things weren’t working out for the police dogs. Accuracy wasn’t what it once was and the animals scared students and staff half to death. That’s why starting next year the police are switching to a new animal to get the job done catching drug abusers at RB. He’s a toucan, a bird with a colorful beak. He goes by Sam, but you may know him as Toucan Sam, the spokesperson and mascot for the popular cereal Fruit Loops. As of next year he will be the top dog. But why would Toucan Sam become a drug sniffing animal when he has such great things going for him? The answer will shock you. Toucan Sam became a popular figure all the way back in 1963, when Fruit Loops hit the shelves for the first time to the American public. With the increasing popularity of Fruit Loops, Toucan Sam became a household name. He couldn’t walk down the streets without being recognized as the “Fruit Loop Guy”. While it was nice during the good times, it took a trip south suddenly and harshly. The big shot life proved to be too much for the colorful bird, as arrests and bad public-ity became a theme with Toucan Sam. But Fruit Loops stayed with the bird until a messy drug-

love with his commercials as a young lad in the 60’s. “I think it was a great move. that little bird has got quite a nose,” Sibley exclaimed. Toucan Sam has a mes-sage for all the RB kids out there. “Come next year ev-eryone better be ready. Because I run things now and I plan on following my nose whether it’s to find drugs or the delicious fruity cereal with all the flavors you know and love. Man I wish I never got fired…”

intergalactic Captain Gibbons blasts off

related arrest in 1997 left the bird without a job or a future. Fruit Loops moved on to a flamingo who filled the perch left behind by Toucan Sam. Sam had nothing to go home to when he was released from prison in 2003. after spend-ing years collecting change off the streets in return for taking people on adventures to find Fruit Loops, Toucan Sam had a realization. In his day he used to tell people to “follow their nose” and they would find the delicious fruity flavors Fruit Loops have to

offer. He decided to get another job where his nose could be use-ful. after bouncing around jobs that included testing out scratch n sniff stickers, toucan Sam discovered his true talent: drug sniffing dog. at this point you’re saying to yourself, “Wait, Toucan Sam is neither a dog nor a professional drug sniffer.” and to that I say quit interrupting. There’s one thing that sets Toucan Sam apart from other animals try-ing to make it in the drug sniffing business. He’s got the nose for the

job. “I should have thought about it sooner,” Toucan Sam explained. “I’ve got a huge nose that has been sniffing out things for as long as I can remember. And I can spot drugs twice as fast as the dogs they have now.” after a few test runs sam was offered a job as the head drug sniffing animal at the Brook-field Police station. Dean of Students Dave Sibley is extremely pleased with the decision. He’s been fighting for Toucan Sam since he fell in

Clarion revises RB’s tardy policy

Every year students take the aP European history course offered

at RBHs and some lucky students are rewarded with going to Europe for a over a week. This year however, Adam Gibbons wants to change things up. Europe is getting so boring, what with all the old historic buildings and art from many years ago. Instead, Gibbons feels that visiting a different place would be better for him and the class. after a long and

thoughtful process, Gibbons finally made a decision: the Final Frontier. Outer space is an interesting place that history scholars would love to visit. after the pressure of taking the AP exam, Gibbons wants to reward the students with a relaxing adventure to a place that no student has gone before. The trip is jam packed with many new things the students have never experienced before. Teachers want to make this a trip kids will never forget, so they made up an itinerary

By now, chances are you’ve become familiar with the school’s new

tardy policy. This approach to dealing with consistent tardies has been showing results, but the administration feels it could still improve. In order to reach these goals, the administration has asked Clarion staff for help to enforce new rules. David Sibley, Dean of students is a strong promoter of the new policy. “I feel like this will really motivate kids to want to be on time, those kids in Clarion are just insane.”

Though the rules are still not official, the newest rough draft will look as follows:

First offence: You’ll become

ynoHtna annaICsforward thinker

Drug sniffing dogs replaced by RB’s new top Bird

madIson PoWERssEE team Reject

AP euro students to visit the final frontier

that was packed with ideas that would create new ex-periences. They are going to visit the spot Neil Armstrong first stood on, play baseball on the moon, and for their down time they are able to just float around in space. Gibbons has said, “The trip is going to be a great experience, but I am most excited about visiting Mars! Being able to say I have been to there has been a life long dream, I’m glad it will finally becoming true.” When asked about the trip, sophomore Kelly Kramer replied, “I think the trip is going to be pretty sweet. I mean, space doesn’t seem too lame” Other stu-dents have had a different response, but still possess the same overall enthusiasm. Sophomore Justine Espisito says, “I’m really nervous about going to the final frontier, but it’s an op-portunity I just can’t pass up!” This trip, unlike previous trips the Euro kids have gone on, is very cheap and affordable. For the low price of $10 the students will be able to spend a week in outer space and participate in events only some can dream of. after a long year, this trip will be a great reward for the hard working scholars.

maRk mCdonaGHBearded stud

the newest member of George Suchy’s video cast “Pie in the Face.”

Second offence: It’s now your responsibility to read through the bundles of hate mail that “Swagger” brings in every day. You’re guaranteed to cry and lose countless hours of sleep.

Third offence: You will be given your red slip later in the day, except it will no longer be for a detention. The new red slip will be a one way pass to an ADA with a gassy Mike Hansa.

Fourth offence: You’ll have to deal with the Morrissey brothers—that’s right, Charlie and Eddie Morrissey.

Harsh indeed, but necessary to make Riverside Brookfield the best high school it can be.

Morrissey brothers prepare to punish tardy policy offenders.

Toucan Sam catches busting a student for carrying drugs into the school Brian Wilson

Gibbons Blasts off into space, boldly going where no RB teacher has gone before.

Photo by E.T.

Apr. 5, 2010, Issue 5wORLd OF weIRd 3

Riverside Brookfield High School

Sitting in class you glance at the clock to see what time it is. With twenty

minutes left in class you prepare yourself for your daily dose of English, when out of the corner of your eye you notice a black silhouette. What was it? Could it have been a student? No, it couldn’t, this figure is far too intimidating. What could it be? Batman? Yes, the caped crusader has been witnessed roaming the halls of RBHs. many students have testified to this, reporting it to the office and even to Clarion itself. sightings first began

Batman sightings at RB

With the finishing of the construction process, there’s been

much celebration, but it appears not everyone or everything is celebrating. Since the ceremony of completion on Sunday, March 21st, there have been strange oc-currences around the school, each one stranger than the last. These strange occurrences have been witnessed by students and staff. Oddly, each oddity has happened in new additions to the building, or newly renovated areas. Dennis Kosirog, Fa-cilities supervisor, said, “there have been disturbances at the northwest entry, the auto lab, the auditorium, and the pool.” Construction manager Andy Tot-ten, said, “ I have no idea what the problem could be, I know it’s not related to the construction, we did everything we were sup-posed to do, we removed bones from the main staircase, set up the foundation, and finished the building, just as planned.” “Good luck with that problem RB!” said totten.

Maintenance personnel Maintence reported seeing

a group of “big warrior look-ing men, with feathers on their heads.”

--- saw them dancing around a campfire on the landing on the northwest entry. -Maint- said, “I didn’t fear them, they were just having a good time.” Students

Coincidences, or something more sinister?BRIAN WILSONlayout manager

reported finding feathers along the stairs, as well as in their books. Senior Kevin Roman said, “it really freaked me out when I fell down the stairs after slipping on a feather. I’m really scared of that side of the building now; I avoid it at all costs.” The next paranormal occurrence happened inside the auto lab. Auto teacher Bruce Specht, said, “I came in one morning and found that all of the cars in the lab had been equipped with hydraulics and were jump-ing around uncontrollably and playing loud music. I’m just sad that I missed the party, those ghosts party pretty hard.” the event actually increased the cars value due to the added on parts, so no one was too concerned. Though the renovation is done in the auditorium, it’s no longer the renovation in the way of the drama students. The drama students and the Orchesis dance company have been hav-ing a hard time practicing their routines lately due to these simi-lar distractions. In the middle of their practices, the music cuts off, only to be replaced with Give up the funk by Parliament, and the spotlights fly around in a craze. “It was so annoying, we can’t get anything done because the stage keeps turning into a disco, it’s really frightening.” Said Sophpo-more Sammantha Friend. Mean-while, the swimmers are having their own issues with the new pool. Every day this past week the swim team has arrived to its pool for morning practice, only

to find that there are an array of wild fish swimming through the pool, and the water has been replaced with green lake water. Sophomore Ken Castle said, “I jumped in when no one would, and found that piranhas really do bite hard, I came out littered with leeches. It’s frustrating, not only do I have to deal with the fish in the pool, but then I go to P.E. in the field house, and the ghosts keep blocking our shots in basketball.” Several students have reported a “gravitational pull” that drags their basketballs away from the rim, but it has been dismissed as the student’s imagination. Administration hired an exorcist to survey the building for spirits and any paranormal activity. Paranormal investi-gator Fred Flannagan noted, “there definitely is a presence in the building, but it is not to be feared. The spirit is a friendly one who simply wants to have a good time. If anything, this pres-ence should be invited.” Some students have done just that. Sophomore Changa Augustus said, “if you can’t beat em, join em. Me and my friends have been partying with the spirits the past two weeks, and its been a blast. We usually sing around campfires, and tell stories.” RB is doing its best to take care of the problem, but it is proving to be difficult, and not everyone is convinced there is a problem. until then, everyone is just going to have to deal with it.

nICk kIRkInEs

staff reporter

on March 12th, 2009 . An anonymous freshman stated “It was the creepiest thing. I was waiting for Spanish to be over when it just passed in front of the door. The weirdest thing was he was looking into the classroom. It was like he was sizing us up.” Another witness stated that she saw the mysterious super-hero walking toward the baseball field and into the woods. Who is this mysterious superhero or villain of RB? unfortunately no one knows the answer to this question. All

that has been proven thus far is that he has only been seen during third, sixth, and seventh periods of class. the office has advised students that if they sight the mysterious stalker of RB to inform their teacher immediately and for the teacher to report it to the office. The timing of these events are also odd because the latest Batman movie came out in July of 2009. So why would he appear half way through 2010? Hopefully the identity of the mysterious vagabond is revealed soon; for his motives are shrouded in secrecy.

EdItoR-In-CHIEFjette Pleasant

ContEnt EdItoRKate Abbatacola

dEsIGn EdItoRRigo Reyes

WEB EdItoRDavid Maslowski

PuBLIC RELatIons manaGERAlexandria Krug

sPoRts manaGEREddie morrissey

oPInIon manaGERsJason Flam, Joe Sauer

mEdIa manaGERBradley Wilson

Layout manaGERBrian Wilson

nEWs manaGERCharlie Morrissey

FEatuREs manaGERMegan Welch

EntERtaInmEnt manaGERAnthony Scianna

staFF REPoRtERsVince Arvismike Hansa

Mark McDonaghEthan GallegosIan Pruett-jonesRyan Chodora

Ted RadekMadison Powers

Nick KirkinesDavid Skowronski

George SuchyDanielle SanchezRachel SammonsJessica Williams

SPONSORdaniel mancoffCherise Lopez

Clarion publishes hard copy papers once a month and updates stories constantly online at www.rbclarion.org. The opinions expressed in

editorials are those of the individual writers, and do not express those of the Clarion staff or district 208 administration. signed letters to the

editor are encouraged, but the Clarion reserves the right to edit for content or length.

Clarion staffGhost plauges the backstage of the auditorium. Brian Wilson

Batman patrols the halls of RB Brian Wilson

Apr. 5, 2010•Issue 5sham wOw!4

Riverside Brookfield High School

In what seems like a big hit year already, Twisted Pixel, a small indie videogame company has taken up seniors David Maslowski, and Ian Pruett- Jones, idea for a Riverside Brookfield videogame. Clarion has been lucky enough to get a sneak

preview for the game and where given the permission to share select chapters. Prologue: The game starts out with the player taking control of a senior. In the beginning of the game the player is all decked out with skills he will acquire throughout the four years of school. However this is just a tutorial. this first level is just an abilitease,however, as players lose all their skills and are sent back to freshman year. they are quickly thrust into their first mission, titled “Freshie Go Home.” the young freshman character must find his homeroom before the bell rings. It’s not so easy, however as students must fight their way to find a homeroom sheet and deal with a freshman debuff, which cuts movement speed in the hallways by 40%. Freshman characters are given the skill to talk really fast, and smell, which we can only assume is used in combat along the way. after we played through those levels we were then shown the first sophomore mission. a special attribute given to the sophomores was the ability to go invisible, which came in handy with the mission we were shown. The mission titled “Segway This” put students in a hall sweep. Students had to dodge administrators and security guards who were equipped with a speed, and sight booster power-up: the segway. In sophomore year we also experienced our first class, chemistry, the player had to learn to either study or cheat at this point. This is where we learned that alignment became part of the game, and separate tech trees develop. The developers also showed us that, based on how the players made decisions, the outcome of different events changed. For example, in the mission “Segway This” if students are caught, they were given a chance to develop a relationship with one of the administrators. This can come in handy later in the game as the players may get into a fight. However, if they have a relationship, then they can get off easy, as oppose to a player who has never been in trouble. Sports and Clubs also come into play. If the student chooses to play a sport like football, regardless if he loses or wins, he will be treated with great respect by most his peers. However if the player wants more of a challenge, they can join a sport like soccer where even if the player and his team makes state, it is possible he will get no recognition from his peers. “We felt that the genre of high school RPG wasn’t being represented in the states,” said lead designer Ben Dover, “We are excited about this game, and hope it can hit selves very soon.”

What was the best April Fool’s prank you ever pulled?

“Me and my brother took everything in our kitchen, mixed it and then put it on our sleeping friend’s hand so that he rubbed it on his face.

“in Jr. High i had an empty pizza box and I pretended it was ordered to the game.”

“I took yellow gato-rade and replaced it with urine. My friend drank the whole thing.”

“My friend brought a universal remote and he controlled the tV in class and the teacher thought it was a ghost.”

Senior, Jackie Glosniak Senior, Billy Hansa

Senior, Chris Canales

Senior, Max weiss

Attention exercise fanatics! A hot new workout DVD is sweeping the nation!

It’s “The John Fields Bun-Buster Extravaganza!” Straight from room 215 in the social studies hallways comes this newly released DVD that is guaranteed to get you in shape and possibly teach you a little something. the total run time for the DVD clocks in at about 37 hours, and trust me, by the end you’ll be Fields-ing it up better than he does. This limited edition video features none other than John Fields himself showcasing such workout classics as:“Get on top of a Desk and Jump Around”“Roll around on the Ground” “The Art of Yelling at Freshman”“Throwing Pieces of Chalk with Accuracy”“Losing your Voice 3 Times a Week Due to Incessant Shouting”“The Intricate World of Sweater-Vests” as a first time user of this fine movie, I can personally guarantee that you will see results by the time you get to the menu screen. Speaking of the menu screen, there are some very interesting bonus features on the disk as well.

RB videogamehits the shelves

One of the more important bonus items you can receive is the Loyola hospital’s official news bulletin on how to treat Fields-related injuries. There is also a video tour of the newly constructed memorial for all of the unknown freshman who perished in the making of this once in a life-time DVD deal. When asked to comment on the latest success of the DVD, John Fields instead bull-rushed through a crowd of paparazzi and an entire school bus containing freshman. Later, after he calmed down he was quoted to have said. “It started out as just me getting on top of the desks so that people in the back of the class could see me. But then I discovered that a combination of that and the sweater-vests was helping me become incredibly fit. the sweater-vest is not something to be toyed with and can be incredibly dangerous, but if you’re man enough to pull it off, you owe it to yourself to use my DVD.” Fields said We tried to find people who have used the DVD to get in shape but so far we couldn’t find anyone who has survived all the grueling courses on the video. But we’ll keep trying. In the meantime, you should totally go buy this exercise movie.

Totally.

Fields invents new exercise DVD

Freshman, Cory norwood

teacher, Mr. Frey

“I turned the lights off in a public bath-room. A kid got so mad.”

“taking hundreds of old lon lon bagels and spreading them out on my friend’s porch.”

Featuring: “the Art of Yelling at Freshmen”

History teacher John Fields demonstrates one of the more popular moves in his latest exercise video, the “Get on op of your Desk and Jump Around”

Ian Pruett-JonesThe care-cup is empTy

Photo by terrified freshman

-Compiled by Suchy and Scianna

davE masLoWskIvideo-game Enthusiast

warning: Do not attempt this move unless you are a trained proffessional. May result in death or serious injury.

nov. 20, 2009•Issue 2Ummm... haIR?! 5

Riverside Brookfield High School

Hair-rific: Best Beards of RB

St. Growdrick’s Day a growing tradition

For the first time in two years RB will not par-ticipate in St. Baldrick’s

Day. Instead it is turning in a different direction and par-ticipating in what is known as St. Growdrick’s Day. This year Riverside Brookfield High school is encouraging kids to set aside the clippers and represent their inner hippie by growing their hair out. RB will be one of two schools in the state participating in this event (the other being Bob Marley academy for gifted Rastafar-ian students). BMA has been par-ticipating in this event for 28 years (since the school opened a year after Bob Marley died). This event is one of Bob Marley’s inspiring messages to let your soul be free and your hair grow long.

Dardon Smith, a senior of BMA said, “I have participat-ed in this event all four years here and it is the greatest feeling to let your locks hang and grow; you get the true sense of freedom.” On Monday, April 12 there will be an assem-bly held very similar to St. Baldrick’s Day, only the stu-dents will gather and watch participating students grow their hair out. There have already been many students signing up for the event as well as volunteers in the community signing up to just sit back and watch the locks of gold grow. So watch out Doug Schultz, keep that pair of clippers at home this year. Channel 12 FOX news will also be at the as-sembly hoping to get the word out of the new orga-nization and encouraging many other schools and volunteers to participate.

A descendent of monkeys, Bono’s 5 o’clock shadow can block out the sun. His beard connects to the hair on the back of his head, resulting in an entire head and face full of hair.

He first shaved before he could walk. Now 18, his full beard with the dashing hint of red in gives him a distinguished Irish charm along with his unmatched sense of swagger.

Forget the snuggie, Mancoffs’s beard is perfect for keeping him warm while reading comic books. His full sideburns dip low into a thin goatee and full mustache. it’s simple, but makes a powerful statement.

“It’s the longest it’s ever been. My wife doesn’t like it, so I’m going to keep it.” One small step for man, one giant beard for Beasley!

Wolverine sideburns and a handle bar mus-tache, facial hair does not get more raw than that. He certainly is making a name for himself his first year at RB.

John Beasley

Kevin Coleman Dan Bonarigo

Mark McDonagh Dan Mancoff

Captains of Coiffure model their masculine marvels

2

1 53

4

“if we can’t cut hair this year, we’ll grow it!”

sWaGGER HansaPodCast PostERBoy

Photo by Great Clipswhile some might not see the same excitement benefit in St. Growdrick’s Day as St. Baldrick’s Day, participants disagree. the crowd went wild during a 30-minute viewing fest as Peter Falk’s hair grew a stunning 0.0000000001% overall.

vInCE aRvIsTOP 10 ANALYST

Apr. 5, 2010•Issue 5JOYs OF testIng6

Great, not Good, High School

Due to recent surveys of seniors, the College Board has decided to

radically change the format of the ACT. In past years, students and parents alike have complained about how the ACT and SAT fail to truly test a child’s knowledge or provide anything he or she will need in college. In response, the College Board has taken action and changed the test to find out if students are truly prepared for college. “We felt that a change was needed after so many years of complains, so we decided to make the test more accurately reflect what skills students will need to be successful in college,” said College Board testing director Jack Haas. The College Board released a list of new subjects that will be tested. Gone are Math, Science, and Reading, and added are what the CB calls “events.” The test is no longer a four hour silent bubble filler, but rather a 36-hour “gauntlet-style” challenge course. According to the CB press release, the new test is as follows: As soon as students enter

the school on testing day, they will have their first test: a two hour Frisbee toss on the quad. If a quad is not available to students, a large gymnasium may be substituted. Students may choose to play hacky sack instead of Frisbee if they so choose. Students will be scored based on how well they throw the Frisbee, their carefree attitude, and their general attitude towards others. The second test will take place immediately following. Students will be informed that they need to get to class in the next five minutes. The students will then need to traverse a simulated campus or risk being late to their next test. As soon as they get to their destinations, students will find out that it is a lecture and the fact that they are late doesn’t matter, as one student in a lecture hall of 300 doesn’t get noticed. Students will be required to take notes and follow the lecture. However, the professor is tenured, so he will allow his TA to teach. Students will be graded on how much information they can copy down from the poorly written board notes. Once that class is over, students will be taken and given dinner in a simulated dining hall. Students will have to decide what will make them the least sick and consume their food in the time allotted.

Students will then have to study for a test on a subject that they will discover after dinner. This simulates the fact that most students in college classes next touch a textbook until learning that a test is upcoming. Students will be forced to study in 7x15 cubicles representing dorm rooms. Music and people will be constantly running around outside. Students

ACt testing overhauled

At RBHs, aP classes are considered an important and integral

part of the average student’s curriculum. Almost every student is advanced in some way, and to meet this need, the RB administration has decided to expand the list of AP classes offered. We will soon offer the largest variety of AP classes in North America and for the record, more than Australia.

Starting in September of next year, the following AP classes will be offered:

AP NaptimeAP ADAaP study HallaP Regular EnglishAP Life SkillsAP Rock ClimbingAP LunchaP Hallway studiesAP Crumping

These additions to the

class schedule were part of a plan decided upon by the school board and RB administration to deal with the recent high levels of students affected by something we now call the “AP Addiction.” Students with this condition have a higher tendency to choose classes with the temping capital letters in front of the name. Because this condition is incurable and very hard to even subdue, it was decided that more classes would be added to try to

placate the student body. many faculty and staff

are responding positively to these changes. “after taking aP Euro, I realized that AP was the ideal classroom environment for me,” said Sophomore, Sara Nie. “These new classes are going to work out so well for my junior year.”

English teacher Dan O’Rourke was very excited about a few classes in particular, said, “As I just got my Master’s degree in student English Life studies, I will be most honored and excited to teach Life Skills and AP Regular English. there really is a slice of life and an English class that fits every student and helps them learn.”

The classes will focus on the skills needed to be an expert in whatever particular subject to which they are related. For example, AP Naptime students should expect to learn important talents such as ‘Napping on Various Types of Transportation,’ ‘Napping During Thunderstorms,’ and ‘Napping Even When you’ve just Had Caffeine.’

RB students should take advantage of these great new classes being offered to them. As the school administration expects many students to sign up and classes to fill very quickly, students are advised to contact their counselor immediately.

are suggested to stay up all night and coffee and energy drinks will be provided. The next day, students will have to take the test they prepared for, only to find out that they studied the wrong material. Students will be graded on how well they guess. The College Board feels that students who have a

good grasp on these skills will be successful students in college. This is obviously a major change, but one that the College Board feels will be supported. In his press conference, Haas said, “the people were right. Students should be tested on the skills they need in college, not just useless facts.”

Students taking a practice ACt will no longer have use for boring textbook informa-tion. Latest methods for studying include running around in circles aimlessly.

Photo by Your Mom

AP curriculum to dramatically expandmEGan WELCH Girl who bakes cookies

Junior Chris Buh conducts a rigorous data assessment of how fast paint dries in the hallways for AP Hallway Studies.

Junior elliot Louthen finds time to read his favorite issue of Seventeen magazine for class credit. AP Regular eng-lish challenges those who like to learn, but not that much.

Sophomore Kristen Santoro excels at AP naptime, earning extra points due to the hard surface quality of the floor.

take a sneak peek at the latest AP classes

davId “tHE anImaL” masLoWskI Larry magid supporter

AP naptime

AP Regular english

AP Hallway Studies

Apr. 23, Michael Jordan•Issue 5UnpROFessIOnaL spORts 7

Simeon High School

With several seniors graduating from RB’s basketball team

including Division 1 point guard Sean McGonagill, it is hard to say that the team will improve. Well, the team should improve with the second best incoming freshman in the nation coming to RB next year. James Moore, a 6-6 shooting guard who moved to North Riverside, chose to come to RB after choosing between several different high schools. “st. joes was a really attractive school with all of the history there, but I finally chose RB because they are a program on the rise” says Moore. Moore just moved here from Chicago a couple of months ago, but the word has started to come out on this kid. He is the

most touted area prospect since Derrick Rose, and his upside is tremendous. One scouting website says, “Walker is a 6-6 eighth grader and is a guard. It is just scary how good a ball handler and shooter he is despite being a foot taller than some of the guards he plays against. The NBA is in this kid’s future.” Despite being told that he is destined for the NBA from such a young age, Moore still seems like a down to earth kid. He swears that he will never be like an O.J Mayo, who allegedly accepted money from usC to go there. Moore has already seen the entire recruiting process as all of the big name schools such as Duke, North Carolina, and Kentucky have been talking to him. Bruce Weber and Illinois didn’t want to lose out on this homegrown talent, so he already offered him a scholarship. two years ago. In the sixth grade.

Moore is no stranger to the national scene either. He plays on a 17 and under aau team, meaning he plays against the best high school juniors in the nation. Moore had no trouble last summer adjusting to the physicality and quickness of the game. His all around play was tremendous as he average 18 points, 8 rebounds, and 5 assists per game. Even better, his aau team only lost twice all summer. “Yeah, we only lost twice the entire summer,” says Moore, “but if RB loses even once next year, I will consider my freshman year a failure.” Rarely do we see such a talented down to earth player, especially one who has been destined for the NBA from such a young age. RB is about to see the most athletic, complete player it has ever had. And he wants to win more than he wants to score.

sIR CHaRLEs oF moRRIssEythree-point wizard

we got him! Hoops phenom coming to RB6’6” eighth grader James Moore to star in 2010-11

Moore is a championship-quality dunker. His specialties include the 360 and the overhead tomahawk dunk. He has been experimenting with Nate Robinson’s signature Superman dunk.

Photo by Sham Wow!

SuperMoore by the NuMberS

72

13

15

26

inches of height

years of age

assists per game

points per game

10 boards per game

1 comparisons to Lebron James

RB to win every conference title... foreverSchool shifts to Conference of One to boost chances

RB sports will be experiencing a change next year, a change nobody saw coming. RB will be leaving their tough, experienced, talented conference and will be entering a new conference.

A conference that only has RB. That’s right, RB in a

conference of their own, “A League of Their Own” if you will. And it’s becoming a big

deal. Everybody’s talking about it. They’re already coming up with names for it: “A Conference of One”, “Conference RB”, and “Metro Suburban Conference Part 2”.

But why change conferences now when the competition is so stiff and competitive with RB seeing its best competition in years? Athletic Director Otto Zeman, the man behind the miracle, gives his opinion on the switch.

“I had a problem. We

needed a change. I couldn’t figure out whether to cancel the speech team or send back the chess team’s golden pieces. But when I sat down and really thought about it, I came up with the perfect solution. Change conferences! And what better than a conference of one? We’ll be the class of the conference, and not have to worry about Elmwood Park ever again!” Zeman exclaimed.

“We will win conference every year and you can hold me to that,” he added.

But unfortunately for Zeman, there was a devil’s advocate in the room, a man who has been known to stir up controversy when needed. That devil’s advocate was none other than star Clarion reporter Eddie Morrissey.

Morrissey hit him right where it hurts, questioning how this will affect RB’s chance at State competitions. Luckily for Zeman, he was ready.

“Are you crazy, man? We’re the conference champs. What do you think our chances are at State?” Zeman struck back, leaving Morrissey frazzled and defeated.

Although Zeman

escaped that situation, there are still many people who aren’t happy with the switch. People have many concerns.

Why would we go in a conference with no other teams?

How’s that going to help us prepare for State?

Why would the IHsa

JASON WOCKA FLOCKA FLAMRBtv master

allow this crazy move to take places?

All those questions and much more bring up some interesting points. To which this reporter says…Is that really any of your business?

We will see.

How will you feel when RB enters a Conference of One and becomes eternal champions of everything?

“It’s good to be the cham-pions” -Hugh Bergland

“Maybe they should get a few more coaches, just in case.” -Kevin Smaller

“It’s my dream come true. I have always wanted to be first.” -vilija aleksa

“What, am I going to go home and say I’ve got a game against my own team?” -Brian Brown

Apr. 05, 2010•Issue 5senIOR nOt-sO-sUpeRLatIves8

Riverside Brookfield High School

Best frown: natalie Benoy

Most likely to become a Stepford wife: Stephanie weiss

Most likely to have a lawyer on retainer: Alex Kavoriarous

Most likely to write a self-help book: Jordan Ballerine

Most likely to move to Africa: emily Hejna

Most likely to move to Amsterdam: Patrick Lanzhotsky

Most likely to wake up in a ditch: Abby williams

Most likely to contract superpowers from overexposure to radiation: tyler goldman

Senior Superlatives

CLASS

OF

2010

April Fool’s edition