Q1: OVERCOMING DESTRUCTIVE EMOTIONS &

BEHAVIORS

Family Life Ministry Focus for 2015:

Building Effective Relationship Skills

Overcoming Bitterness(Sub-Title: Behaving Wisely in Relationships)

•What is an emotion?•How does our emotion impact our actions and reactions (positively or negatively)?•What are God’s expectations on how to handle our emotion?•How can we achieve a balanced emotional state in the family setting?

Overall Teaching Guide

Part 1Overcoming

Destructive Anger

Text – Ephesians 4:26-27 (TLB)

•26 If you are angry, don’t sin by nursing your grudge. Don’t let the sun go down with you still angry—get over it quickly; •27 for when you are angry, you give a mighty foothold to the devil.

•Unresolved anger builds an intensity for future ventilation•Unresolved anger opens the door for the devil! (Eph 4:26)•If you go to bed on anger with anybody, you’ve been counseled by the devil and you don’t even know it!

Part 1 – Overcoming Destructive Anger

Dealing with anger… 1. Confront the situation quickly• Eph. 4:26B - Don’t let the sun go down with you still

angry—get over it quickly2. Begin every confrontation with affirmation• The way you start a conversation dictates its end!•Prov. 15:1 - A soft answer turns away wrath, But a

harsh word stirs up anger.•Prov. 16:24 - Pleasant words are like a honeycomb,

Sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.

Dealing with anger… 3. Communicate your thoughts and feelings without

pre-judgments•Don’t interpret others’ actions, you’re not in their mind!

4. Be specific about your concerns/hurts/complaints

5. Be cautious of your tone of voice when confronting negative situations!

Summary•Anger is the most destructive force in marriage!•Yesterday’s anger is Toxic!•Holding on to anger destroys intimacy, passion, and optimism•Unresolved anger destroys the garden of your love!•Unresolved anger builds an intensity for future ventilation•Unresolved anger opens the door for the devil! (Eph 4:26)• If you go to bed on anger with anybody, you’ve been

counseled by the devil and you don’t even know it!

OvercomingDestructive Tongue

Part 2

Text – James 3:1-12, NKJV

•1 My brethren, let not many of you become teachers, knowing that we shall receive a stricter judgment. •2 For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body.

• 3 Indeed, we put bits in horses’ mouths that they may obey us, and we turn their whole body. •4 Look also at ships: although they are so large and are driven by fierce winds, they are turned by a very small rudder wherever the pilot desires.

Text – James 3:1-12, NKJV

•5 Even so the tongue is a little member and boasts great things. See how great a forest a little fire kindles! •6 And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity. The tongue is so set among our members that it defiles the whole body, and sets on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire by hell.

Text – James 3:1-12, NKJV

•7 For every kind of beast and bird, of reptile and creature of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by mankind. •8 But no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison. •9 With it we bless our God and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the similitude of God.

Text – James 3:1-12, NKJV

•10 Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. •11 Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? •12 Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.

Text – James 3:1-12, NKJV

•A rudder is a primary control surface used to steer a ship, boat, submarine, hovercraft, aircraft, or other conveyance that moves through a medium (generally air or water).

Let us study the Rudder a little…

Summary•Destinies can be shaped positively or destroyed

through the use of the tongue (rudder)•Understand that there is tremendous power in your

pronouncement over your life, spouse, children, and situation! •Be careful how you use your RUDDER!•Use it to bless (positively impact direction/posterity)

and not to curse (destroy/produce negative outcomes)

Overcoming BitternessSub-Title: Behaving Wisely in Relationships

Part 3

• "Actualizing your vision and the revelation God gives you requires diligence, integrity, focus, good human relations, prayer and faith." - GO (Open Heavens, 3/18/15)• Its not enough to have a vision of a peaceful home (the end state)• You must be prepared go through not too pleasant times (if any),

yet not dwell on bitter experience or permit bitterness to take root for being treated wrongly!• A Case Study of David's Character in "The Palace Season" of His

Life…

Overcoming BitternessBehaving Wisely in Relationships

Text - I Samuel 18:5a, I Samuel 18:14-15

•So David went out wherever Saul sent him, and behaved wisely. (I Samuel 18:5a NKJV)•And David behaved wisely in all his ways, and the LORD was with him. Therefore, when Saul saw that he behaved very wisely, he was afraid of him. (I Samuel 18:14-15 NKJV)

Background = 1 Samuel Chapters 16 to 24• 1 Sam 16: 13• 3 Then Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the midst of

his brothers; and the Spirit of the LORD came upon David from that day forward. So Samuel arose and went to Ramah.• 1 Sam 16: 14-23• 14 But the Spirit of the LORD departed from Saul, and a distressing

spirit from the LORD troubled him. 15 And Saul’s servants said to him, “Surely, a distressing spirit from God is troubling you. 16 Let our master now command your servants, who are before you, to seek out a man who is a skillful player on the harp. And it shall be that he will play it with his hand when the distressing spirit from God is upon you, and you shall be well.”

Background = 1 Samuel Chapters 16 to 24• 17 So Saul said to his servants, “Provide me now a man

who can play well, and bring him to me.”• 18 Then one of the servants answered and said, “Look, I

have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite, who is skillful in playing, a mighty man of valor, a man of war, prudent in speech, and a handsome person; and the LORD is with him.” 19 Therefore Saul sent messengers to Jesse, and said, “Send me your son David, who is with the sheep.”

Background = 1 Samuel Chapters 16 to 24• 20 And Jesse took a donkey loaded with bread, a skin of

wine, and a young goat, and sent them by his son David to Saul. 21 So David came to Saul and stood before him. And he loved him greatly, and he became his armor bearer. 22 Then Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Please let David stand before me, for he has found favor in my sight.” 23 And so it was, whenever the spirit from God was upon Saul, that David would take a harp and play it with his hand. Then Saul would become refreshed and well, and the distressing spirit would depart from him.

The Election of Grace• 1 Sam 16: 13•While in the wilderness, God already found David and elected

him for the throne (his ultimate destination)!• 1 Sam 16: 14-23• He was selected for the king's service by grace announcing him!•His job was to play the harp for the King•Note that this was David's job before he killed Goliath!• He was identified by God's grace, and called out of the

wilderness!

Don’t Forget Where You Started!

• 1 Sam 17:15• 15 But David occasionally went and returned from Saul to

feed his father’s sheep at Bethlehem.• Note that at this time David was already in the palace (by favor)

in the service of the King, but he never forgot where he came from or consider returning to the sheep as demeaning.• He still went back & forth occasionally to feed the sheep; he's

been back for about 40 days this time as Saul was in the war front with Goliath and the philistines.

Time of Opportunity (1 Sam 17:4-11)• 4 And a champion went out from the camp of the

Philistines, named Goliath, from Gath, whose height was six cubits and a span. 5 He had a bronze helmet on his head, and he was armed with a coat of mail, and the weight of the coat was five thousand shekels of bronze. 6 And he had bronze armor on his legs and a bronze javelin between his shoulders. 7 Now the staff of his spear was like a weaver’s beam, and his iron spearhead weighed six hundred shekels; and a shield-bearer went before him.

Time of Opportunity (1 Sam 17:4-11)

• 8 Then he stood and cried out to the armies of Israel, and said to them, “Why have you come out to line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and you the servants of Saul? Choose a man for yourselves, and let him come down to me. 9 If he is able to fight with me and kill me, then we will be your servants. But if I prevail against him and kill him, then you shall be our servants and serve us.” 10 And the Philistine said, “I defy the armies of Israel this day; give me a man, that we may fight together.” 11 When Saul and all Israel heard these words of the Philistine, they were dismayed and greatly afraid.

Stay in Your Place But Recognize Opportunities

• 1 Sam 17:17-27• 17 Then Jesse said to his son David, “Take now for your brothers an

ephah of this dried grain and these ten loaves, and run to your brothers at the camp. 18 And carry these ten cheeses to the captain of their thousand, and see how your brothers fare, and bring back news of them.” 19 Now Saul and they and all the men of Israel were in the Valley of Elah, fighting with the Philistines. 20 So David rose early in the morning, left the sheep with a keeper, and took the things and went as Jesse had commanded him. And he came to the camp as the army was going out to the fight and shouting for the battle.

• 21 For Israel and the Philistines had drawn up in battle array, army against army. 22 And David left his supplies in the hand of the supply keeper, ran to the army, and came and greeted his brothers. 23 Then as he talked with them, there was the champion, the Philistine of Gath, Goliath by name, coming up from the armies of the Philistines; and he spoke according to the same words. So David heard them. 24 And all the men of Israel, when they saw the man, fled from him and were dreadfully afraid. 25 So the men of Israel said, “Have you seen this man who has come up? Surely he has come up to defy Israel; and it shall be that the man who kills him the king will enrich with great riches, will give him his daughter, and give his father’s house exemption from taxes in Israel.”

Stay in Your Place But Recognize Opportunities

• 26 Then David spoke to the men who stood by him, saying, “What shall be done for the man who kills this Philistine and takes away the reproach from Israel? For who is this uncircumcised Philistine, that he should defy the armies of the living God?”• 27 And the people answered him in this manner, saying, “So shall it be done

for the man who kills him.”I Samuel 17: 57-58, 18: 1-2• 57 Then, as David returned from the slaughter of the Philistine, Abner took

him and brought him before Saul with the head of the Philistine in his hand. 58 And Saul said to him, “Whose son are you, young man?”• So David answered, “I am the son of your servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.”

Stay in Your Place But Recognize Opportunities

Recognition Leads to Promotion

•18 Now when he had finished speaking to Saul, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as his own soul. 2 Saul took him that day, and would not let him go home to his father’s house anymore. • 5 So David went out wherever Saul sent him, and behaved

wisely. And Saul set him over the men of war, and he was accepted in the sight of all the people and also in the sight of Saul’s servants.

Unfortunately There Were The PRAISE SINGERS!

I Sam 18:6-9• Now it had happened as they were coming home, when David was

returning from the slaughter of the Philistine, that the women had come out of all the cities of Israel, singing and dancing, to meet King Saul, with tambourines, with joy, and with musical instruments. 7 So the women sang as they danced, and said:• “Saul has slain his thousands, And David his ten thousands.”• 8 Then Saul was very angry, and the saying displeased him; and he

said, “They have ascribed to David ten thousands, and to me they have ascribed only thousands. Now what more can he have but the kingdom?” 9 So Saul eyed David from that day forward.

•1. Beware of Praise Singers! (1 Sam 18:6-9)• They will create problem for you!• They say things like: aren't you the one feeding that lazy man?• ...show him who is the provider in this house and he will come to

his senses!• If you're not careful they will alter your perception of yourself and

produce pride in your response to your spouse, which will lead to other destructive behaviors! • They created enmity between David and the King…

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely

•2. Return To Your Duty Post! (1 Sam 18:10)• A single achievement will earn you recognition, but will likely not lead to being

promoted to the throne immediately!• Don't allow victory/achievement to get to your head and feel too big to take

care of your responsibilities in your home!• Keep doing the same things you used to do prior to your "great

achievement” ...e.g. when in courtship, you probably opened the door of the car for your wife, after your marriage & familiarity (your great achievement), do you still do the same? (David returned to the sheep (1 Sam 17:15); he also returned to playing the harp after killing Goliath! (1 Sam 19:9)• Don't feel too big to help your spouse as your marriage/married time increase

or because you are now a “big-man”…

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely•3. Despite his/her negativity don't allow bitterness to take

hold of your heart! (1 Sam 19:1, 19: 9)• 19 Now Saul spoke to Jonathan his son and to all his

servants, that they should kill David; but Jonathan, Saul’s son, delighted greatly in David.• 9 Now the distressing spirit from the LORD came upon Saul

as he sat in his house with his spear in his hand. And David was playing music with his hand.

I Samuel 24:3-4, 6-7, 10-12 NKJV

• So he came to the sheepfolds by the road, where there was a cave; and Saul went in to attend to his needs. (David and his men were staying in the recesses of the cave.) Then the men of David said to him, “This is the day of which the LORD said to you, ‘Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it seems good to you.’ ” And David arose and secretly cut off a corner of Saul’s robe.• And he said to his men, “The LORD forbid that I should do this thing

to my master, the LORD’s anointed, to stretch out my hand against him, seeing he is the anointed of the LORD.” So David restrained his servants with these words, and did not allow them to rise against Saul. And Saul got up from the cave and went on his way.

I Samuel 24:3-4, 6-7, 10-12 NKJV

• Look, this day your eyes have seen that the LORD delivered you today into my hand in the cave, and someone urged me to kill you. But my eye spared you, and I said, ‘I will not stretch out my hand against my lord, for he is the LORD’s anointed.’ Moreover, my father, see! Yes, see the corner of your robe in my hand! For in that I cut off the corner of your robe, and did not kill you, know and see that there is neither evil nor rebellion in my hand, and I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the LORD judge between you and me, and let the LORD avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you.

• 4. Avoid the urge for premature ascension to the throne (i.e. assertion of authority or desire by destroying the incumbent "king") (I Samuel 24:3-4, 6-7, 10-12)• Some feel that they increase in value by berating or demeaning others, that is

such a wrong life concept - a rising tide raises every ship!• Don't assert power in your home by demeaning your spouse or keeping

him/her in the dark on important issues or information!• If you dedicate yourself to elevating your "King/spouse" you are automatically

elevating yourself!• Engage your spouse in all decision making concerning major family issues• Welcome your spouse's opinion and show that you value it

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely•5. Respect him/her despite his/her shortcomings! (I Samuel 24:3-4, 6-7, 10-12)•Give him/her the honor due...it may not be deserved, but give it anyway!•Refuse to yield to the urge to take judgment into your own hands!

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely•6. Refuse the counsel of Bitterness Promoters!• Be careful whose advise you take concerning your spouse!• Then the men of David said to him, “This is the day of which

the LORD said to you, ‘Behold, I will deliver your enemy into your hand, that you may do to him as it seems good to you.’ ” And David arose and secretly cut off a corner of Saul’s robe. (I Samuel 24:4 NKJV)• Bitterness Promoters are a different breed from the

"praise singers", but they are equally dangerous!

Keys to Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely• 7. Regardless of hurt avoid the urge to be bitter! (1 Sam 24:17-20)• Don't take it upon yourself to pay back for wrongdoing!

If you reward wrong with positivity/good, and you are continually prayerful about the situation of hurt, that should result into bitterness, he/she will ultimately see the errors of his/her ways! • Then he said to David: “You are more righteous than I; for you have rewarded

me with good, whereas I have rewarded you with evil. And you have shown this day how you have dealt well with me; for when the LORD delivered me into your hand, you did not kill me. For if a man finds his enemy, will he let him get away safely? Therefore may the LORD reward you with good for what you have done to me this day. And now I know indeed that you shall surely be king, and that the kingdom of Israel shall be established in your hand. (I Samuel 24: 17-20 NKJV)

Summary - Overcoming Bitterness & Behaving Wisely In Relationships1. Beware of Praise Singers!2. Return To Your Duty Post!3. Despite his/her negativity don't allow bitterness to take hold of your heart4. Avoid the urge for premature ascension to the throne (i.e. assertion of authority or desire by destroying the incumbent "king")

5. Respect him/her despite his/her shortcomings! 6. Refuse the counsel of Bitterness Promoters!7. Regardless of hurt avoid the urge to be bitter!

Audience Question & Answers

Prayer Point…•Father help me gain control/ruler-ship over my emotions by the help of The Holy Spirit, and help me to avoid bitterness regardless of the situation.