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Part One- QuestionsPrologue

If he is driven insane by your crimes of past and present, then that makes you equals. He will grow to envy your future. Envy is a sin.

You know that, right? Do you know what happens at the end of a sin, when you remain unable to wake?

You’re going to die.

Everything I’ve done for you. I’ve done everything for you. Yes. That’s right. It’s your entire fault, isn’t it?

The path has begun. I cannot backtrack on this path of crime. The knife must fall, however nightmarishly blurred it and the world has become, like a magnet driving me down further into hell.

Now I realise it was no good.

It was no good.

It.

Was.

No.

Good.


In the corner of Enbizaka there isA young lady who owns a tailor shopWith a fine skill and a good attitudeShe is the talk of the neighborhood

But what was always on her mind wasHer lovely person’s unfaithful attitude"Even though he has someone like me, he never comes home"

But I have to concentrate on my workI carry my scissors in one handThe sewing scissors my mother used to useThe more you sharpen them, the better they will cut

The neighborhood’s the same as alwaysAh, it’s such a calm and peaceful lifeI saw him today at the main streetWho was that girl that was next to you?

With a beautiful red kimono that suited her wellYou seemed to be friendly with that beautiful womanI couldn’t stand the sight of thatSo I turned and I left that place

But I have to concentrate on my workI carry my scissors in one handAnd with my cheeks that are wet with tearsI’ll start to tailor the kimono in front of me

The neighborhood seems to be a bit uneasy todayLooks like there was a crimeI saw him today in front of the bridgeWho was that girl that was next to you?

He seemed depressed today and next to him,That girl with the beautiful hair was comforting himThat green sash looks very good on herAh, so that’s the type of girl you like?

But I have to concentrate on my workI carry my scissors in one handAnd with my red, swollen eyesI begin to fix the green sash

The neighbourhood is growing restlessIt seems there’s been another crimeI saw him today in front of the hairpin shopWho was that girl that was next to you?

To the girl that seemed far too young for him,He bought a yellow hairpin for herWhat on earth do you think you’re doing?You truly are indiscriminate

But I have to concentrate on my work


I carry my scissors in one handThat’s strange were my scissors this color before?I’ll work very hard again today

I’ve finally finished the thing I’ve been working hard onIf you’re not going to come to me,Then I guess I’ll just have to come and meet you

A red kimonoA green sashA yellow hairpinI put it in my hairI’ve become the type of girl you like the mostHow is it?Darling?Aren’t I beautiful?

Today the neighborhood is chaoticIt seems a man has been murderedA whole entire family of fourHas been killed by somebody

Besides that, the way he was acting was awful"Hello, it’s a pleasure to meet you" he saidIt was like he was talking to a stranger

It was like he was talking to a stranger

But I have to concentrate on my workI carry my scissors in one handThe scissors that are now painted redThe more that you sharpen them, the better they will cut

-The Tailor Shop On Enibizaka


Chapter One- Serenity

The clouds slowly drift from the heavens to the horizon, the sunlight glowing subtly through their thin veils. The scene is so gentle and dreamy that it’s almost too soft to be anything harsher than a mere suggestion of paradise. The light shifts a little and catches my eye so I squint, but I only smile in the warm rays, treating it as a simple and familiar greeting.

Although I know that soon the grey clouds will mask this beauty, the thought only makes me more determined to treasure this moment.

Hmm? Moment? What moment? There’s nothing amazing about standing outside, waiting. After all, it’s the same as it always has been, hardly any different from my childhood. I found nothing beautiful or spectacular about it then.

It’s not because anything around me has changed. I’ve changed.

As a child, happiness is something vibrant, fresh and psychedelic. I suppose for some people around my age, that’s still what happiness is. But now…happiness is this same, gentle scene I’ve grown recently accustomed. It’s not boring. It’s reliable. In the night, you know that the sun will rise the next morning. And when it finally does…a new and unique chance for memories is about to begin. Even if that day becomes “dark”, the bright sun will still be there, reminding you that although darkness is nothing, light exists.

I brush back a lock of my loose, long brunette hair behind one of my ears, and flick my newly clear gaze from the dreams of the sky to the reality of the earth. Two silhouettes grow larger against the backdrop of this new day.

As they move out of the sunlight, I can see what I knew already. Let’s read the potential for a story so far, from left to right as if it were a book. On the left is a young girl of fourteen, her long and fluffy blonde hair bouncing energetically with her skips, her grey skirt sashaying around her knees. It wouldn’t seem it to an outsider, but that skirt is actually the most distinctive visual clue about Medina Ira. She’s the only girl that wears a skirt at regulation length.

Medina’s waving to me now, smiling. Me being able to see her smile from this distance highlights her second most distinctive visual clue to her personality.

It’s quite easy to pick up things about people from their mannerisms, isn’t it? Or maybe it’s just because I’m so close to these two that I assume their personalities are a given. The second girl has shoulder-length brown hair, which alone doesn’t separate her too much from Medina. However, it’s been clearly straightened, cut, and maintained as if it were a work of art. It’s not just the hair, either.

This is Erika, and her black skirt is halfway up her thighs. The uniform is meant to be grey, and they’ve tried telling Erika that in the past. They thought she’d given in, up until the realization that she was gradually switching to darker and darker skirts. The thing is, nobody argues with Erika. Not because she’s particularly intimidating…but she’s very good at being unbearably irritating. On purpose or not.

Erika’s sighing at Medina’s enthusiasm right now. She’s always trying to give subtle clues that she’s above us, and she could do so much better socially. The truth that I’ve heard is, in Year Seven she discovered that they were completely uninterested in her. Erika is meant to be a leader, and they didn’t like her assertiveness. She probably felt the same about them, and it still shows now.

Well. There is one exception, but I’ll get to that later.


‘Ivy!’

‘Agh!’

I was out of it for that long? Hmph. I really need to get a grip.

Medina smiles in my face.

‘Good morning!’

As for me, I’m Ivy Invid. I wear trousers because it’s more practical, even if most of the girls don’t seem to agree with me. Not that I’d be so certain of my choice of uniform if I’d have known that before shopping.

‘Oh, hi!”

Erika is also grinning, but less widely. But looking at Medina, I suppose that’s to be expected. Still, it’s a rare occasion to see Erika appreciating my presence.

Or not. I guess I should have known better.

‘Eri’s been listening to that song all way,’ Medina giggles. Erika presses a button on the music player clipped to her shirt and starts swaying slightly, as if in a trance, again. Apparently whoever she’s listening to is a guy.

Much to Erika’s annoyance, not that she cares about anything but her music to care right now, Medina has the habit of making people’s names monosyllabic in favor of the sound “ee”. I suppose I’m lucky.

‘Ah…poor you,’ I sigh jokingly.

‘It’s okay, I don’t mind,’ she shrugs ‘Eri has a nice voice.’

I decide that there isn’t anything to gain from contradicting Medina, but a lot to lose from offending Erika. However uneven her singing voice may be.

‘Mmm.’ Personally, I think the truth isn’t always the best option. It’s more like a default, good for most of the time, but not very useful in saving yourself from the wrath of Erika Fauxlur.

‘Eri!’ Medina calls ‘Eri, aren’t you going to say good morning…?’ Erika sighs, pulling out her earphones. It’s simple enough to realize that you don’t argue with Erika, but you don’t argue with Medina either- unless you enjoy feeling like a horrible person. This often leaves me in pretty hopeless situations.

‘Hi,’ Erika says with an obviously false smile. I paint it over in my mind with a genuine beam, if only for the sake of imitation.

‘Erika! And Medina! You look so lively today!’

Medina giggles.

‘That’s fortunate…school is very tiring…’ she mumbles.


‘Tell me about it,’ Erika yawns, leading as we walk the remaining distance towards the school, going on to complain passionately about the cold weather.

I only arrived at Netherthorpe last September, actually. That’s seven months now. It’s nothing special, but still better than my last school. Surprisingly enough, my last school was something special, a private, church-funded all-girls school that had the best results in the area. But it was too special.

The naïve perfectionists in charge were gradually turning us into intricately designed robots each week. And it worked on the lot of us. I’ve seen several applications with much more personality than my class by the end, which is probably the reason why I was never that interested in making friends. They may have had a perfect knowledge of etiquette, but I don’t even know if everyone understood what friends were meant to be.

Now that my family has moved, in my realization of the outside world, I like to think that I managed to avoid that fate. I don’t completely believe it, though. I feel like my mind’s organized a little differently from before, and unfortunately, I also picked up that my natural ways of acting were different from those of the other students at this school.

There’s a strong link and network between my peers that seems to be lost with age, so I gave up on the idea of trying too hard to fit in, at risk of playing the role of the pretentious new girl. It’s not easy settling into groups by Year Ten, as everyone only wants to maintain existing and perfected friendships, so I’m glad that I met Medina and Erika. Out of thanks for “taking me in”, I don’t get too irritated by their mannerisms. Well. When I deafen myself to Erika’s speeches like this, I don’t.

I know that Medina and Erika are seen as slight outcasts, but I’m not ashamed to acknowledge them as my friends. Luckily, they’re not real outcasts, especially not when you compare them to…well. When people ask me who my best friend is, I always reply that it’s cruel and silly to choose between friends. Honestly…I think I prefer Medina. It feels like she’s more kind, more deserving. But Erika’s a good friend too, only in a less conventional way. It does feel wrong to choose between them, as their personalities kind of balance each other out nicely. It’s like choosing your favorite piece of a jigsaw.

‘We’re here!’ exclaims Medina, a little too enthusiastically as a passing group look at her strangely, as if examining a mutation of nature.

‘Oh, joy,’ Erika is fast to snort, glancing at the group worriedly.


Chapter Two- Ordinary Days

If I were able to choose the subject that I finished the day with, it wouldn’t be English. Especially not Year 10 English.

Even Maths would be better than this. In subjects like Maths, the workings are straightforward, right and wrong are completely separated. In subjects like English, it’s undefined, and if you don’t have a natural sense of direction, tough, you’re lost. I’ve never seen it as something that I could really “learn”. It didn’t seem to be something the teachers at my old school could program us to do so easily, but luckily, I do have a “sense of direction”. It looks like I’m quite ahead of most of the students in this school, which lessens the impact of exams somewhat.

I’m certainly ahead of Erika.

‘Why do we have to do exams in Year 10?’

‘What’s the point?’

‘Another sheet? Do you even have a life?’

‘Why do the examiners hate us?’

‘How the hell do you do this?’

I think that she’d rather be the one that set the questions.

‘Ivy! Can you help me with the poetry anala-thing?’

Here we go…

‘Just a mi-’

‘Ivy! Help. Now.’

Remind me to never have children.

‘Yeah?’ I lean over to look at her work. Medina isn’t in our English class, so we stick together on a table of four, across from Kaden and Shadow-Kaden.

The latter’s name isn’t really that. Although it would be pretty cool to have that name, I’ll admit. I just can never remember his name, and it’s for a reason. The most significant thing about him is how he follows Kaden Accid, a boy with soft turquoise eyes, a slender build and smooth dark hair, everywhere and nods enthusiastically whenever he says anything. The second most significant thing is his glasses, and that tells you a lot.

This gives a much better first impression of Kaden than it should. He’s not amazing, but he’s definitely not awful either. Actually, in my judgment, he’s way above average, even if just for not acting like a complete and utter jerk to me or my friends yet. And from a few comments he’s made in the classes we’re in together, I’ve gathered that he’s funny in a puppy-ish way. We haven’t spoken properly, but- no, I’ll stop now before I become Beta-Shadow-Kaden. But, yes, we’ve got an okay table, overall.


Erika was more disappointed, if only because she was wholeheartedly aiming for another one. Breathy voices come from the back corner of the room.

‘Wow, Celeste! That’s so clever! How did you come up with that?’

‘That’s what I’d like to know,’ Erika flicks her stare back and forth from Celeste and her one sentence of work mournfully ‘How did she get so good at this stinking subject?’

There’s Celeste, the exception to Erika’s popularity rules. Celeste is everyone’s exception. Even I have to admit she’s pretty amazing, even if just because of the flawless exception thing.

Celeste Dalponte is one of those people that seems too good to be true, yet is also too nice to be anything but. So, imagine one of those teenage girls from a movie. You know the type: tall, beautiful, dignified, followed by an entourage of admirers…and now cross that image with your typical angel: platinum blonde waves, natural yet perfect complexion, delicate figure, kindhearted and lovely...

Exactly. I was very skeptical of her at first. But after speaking to her in person, which is a good sign on its own, with me being on the lowly edge of acceptance, I couldn’t help but like her. Some people turn horrible when they’re popular, but she obviously hasn’t. Celeste isn’t a popular girl. She is the popular girl. All the girls want to be Celeste, and all the boys want to be with her. However, it looks like she doesn’t plan to date until she’s 16, which I think is actually a good move for her reputation.

She isn’t a super-genius, but she’s reasonably clever. But at English? Don’t even try to compete with her, especially not at poetry. Apparently she’s very good at music as well, but she’s not the sort of person who would go in for any of the talent shows or musicals. I think that’s the polite way of her saying that she doesn’t want to be a show-off.

So to sum her status up, from what I’ve learnt in my months here, it looks like everyone loves Celeste, and anybody who doesn’t is “just nobody”.

And do these detested people exist? Naturally, but it’s not a nice topic.

‘Must have sold her soul to the devil.’

I glance across the table. Kaden grins. Erika looks a little offended at the joke about her idol, but I laugh back. So does Shadow-Kaden. It would probably be quicker to specify when Shadow-Kaden doesn’t laugh at what Kaden says.

‘That explains a lot,’ I comment ‘But, tch…’

‘Well, how else do you think she won everyone’s hearts?’ he shrugs. I tilt my head.

‘Not a fan?’ I ask. It’s nice to talk to a boy without having to tell them to stop irritating me. Only without using the word “irritating”, since this is Netherthorpe after all.

‘Mm, she’s...alright,’ he tilts his hand. Erika stares at him in awe.

‘It’s ridiculous how shocking saying that is,’ I giggle. He laughs.

‘Yeah.’ I turn back to my work, my mind feeling a little clearer.

‘Hey! Ivy!’


Oh, right. Erika.

‘Um, so, if you look here-’

‘What, at that first paragraph?’

‘Stanza.’

‘Same thing.’

‘No, it’s-’

‘Get over yourself.’

Looking down and writing, whether he intended for me to notice or not, Kaden smiles sympathetically. I instinctively smile as well, but then realizing once again that he’s still staring blankly at the paper, pretend it was just a twitch.

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‘So, how was English?’ asks Medina, nibbling at a sandwich.

‘Good,’ I shrug. Erika opens her eyes wide and gapes at me.

‘Good?!’ she exclaims incredulously ‘In what way was that anywhere near good?’

‘Fine, maybe not good. It wasn’t particularly bad,’ I compromise ‘How was Drama, earlier?’ Medina sticks a thumb up.

‘Awesome!’

It defies me why Medina decided to take Drama. It’s not that I have anything against the subject- besides the occasional questioning of its usefulness- but it just doesn’t seem suited to somebody like Medina. But Erika said that she’s very good at it, and it’s not easy to get a compliment from Erika, however begrudgingly said. Maybe there’s more to her than I thought.

‘It must have been way better than Physics, though,’ Erika says to me ‘I don’t get why you wanted to take even more science for your options. Ugh!’

‘It’s useful!’ I defend ‘Plus, I’m not really that bothered about the Physics part anyway, since I’m only taking Triple Science to get into medical school.’

If we’re going to question anyone’s options, it should be Erika and Art. And Music. And even Dance. She’s not particularly good at any of them (neither am I, but at least I had the sense to miss out in favor of subjects like History), and got seriously angry when she realized they wouldn’t just be partying, singing karaoke, and daubing paint around randomly then calling it “abstract”. What they really have to do is study choreography, examine compositions, and…daub paint around randomly then call it “abstract”.

‘Medical school?’ nods Medina ‘That sounds interesting!’

‘Yeah, if you want a good close-up look at the science of getting bored to death, it does,’ quips Erika.


‘Eri! Don’t be mean!’ Medina squeals ‘I think it’s very kind of Ivy to want to be a doctor!’ I decide not to mention that I’m actually thinking of going into psychology. That would make it too easy for Erika.

‘Yeah, whatever,’ Erika waves her hand.

‘So, what do you want to do in the future?’ I challenge Erika.

‘I don’t know, do I?’ she snaps ‘I’m only fifteen, aren’t I?’

‘Lost a couple of years since last Saturday, have you?’

A tall, aloof girl with dark hair smirks down at our bench.

‘Stay out of it, Kumi!’ orders Erika, fidgeting uncomfortably.

If we were to assign simple labels to each person, like calling Celeste the popular girl, Medina the cute girl, and Erika the…never mind, Kumi Minazuki would be the cool girl, from her name to her attitude. She’s one of those people you don’t notice at first (I didn’t anyway), but you’re going to want to take notice of for two main reasons. Firstly, because she knows everything about everybody. By everything, I mean everything of interest. If you want some gossip on somebody, Kumi is the one to go to, although she’ll probably spend more time than she should waving it in front of your face teasingly.

The second reason why you need to take notice of girls like Kumi is because “everybody” is going to include you. So if you’ve got something to hide, you’ve got to treat her decently. And even if you do, you still have to be careful.

Most people are in awe of her, including me. She hangs around us three sometimes, but she hangs around everybody. That’s why she knows so much.

‘Want to know what happened?’ Kumi stage-whispers to Medina and I.

‘Yeah, why not?’ I reply, glancing at Erika triumphantly.

‘W-well, if Eri doesn’t mind…’ stammers Medina.

‘Tough, I do mind!’ Erika shrieks. Kumi makes an over-dramatic thinking pose, teasing her.

‘Nah, I’ll let you off this time,’ she taps Erika on the nose, as Erika tries to swat her hand away ‘I’ll settle for pointing you towards the fight at the other side of the courtyard.’ Erika suddenly looks alert.

‘Fight?’ she breathes excitedly.

Another thing that I’ve learnt about this school is that violence is perfectly fine, or at least perfectly normal. If anyone tripped anyone else up in the corridors at my old school, that would be enough drama for the students, and far too much for the teachers. Now, it’s like going back into the era of the Ancient Romans, the arenas replaced with rings of encouraging students, the gladiators replaced by a few hormonal teenage boys.

‘Not really a fight,’ admits Kumi ‘But it’s certainly another continuation in the Cold War. You know. Nothing much is happening, but at least one side is wishing it could, only the other side has got


powers they can’t exactly destroy.’ Erika’s fist clenches around the hem of her skirt, and she pushes herself off the bench to stand beside Kumi. Sighing, I join them with Medina.

‘Urgh! Will she just give her a break!’ Erika growls.

So, not teenage boys. There are only two people Kumi could be talking about. One of them, you wouldn’t be able to imagine getting into a proper fight, but I suppose it comes with the territory. As for the other…I don’t know what to think of the other.

‘Guess we’re going over, then,’ I try to smile meekly.

I follow Kumi and Erika around the corner of the school building, Medina bobbing at my side. A harsh female yell echoes in the near distance.

‘What’s your problem?! Leave Celeste alone!’

One of Celeste’s friends/worshippers, no doubt.

When the scene comes into focus, I feel a little upset by it, although I won’t admit that to Erika. Celeste is standing by the wall, surrounded protectively by several of her immaculately groomed friends, and the slightly too sharp-featured girl with long black hair leaning alone against the railings of the tennis courts, staring back shakily- yet furiously.

She isn’t ugly, but she isn’t pretty either. Everything about her looks somehow too jagged, too harsh.

This is Eternity Sueria. Going back to what I said about anybody who didn’t love Celeste being nobody…here she is.

‘Shut it, Rochelle!’ demands Eternity defiantly ‘I wasn’t talking to you!’

‘Exactly! Cell’s too nice to tell you to get lost,’ the girl called Rochelle snorts.

Celeste herself is just staring wide-eyed at Eternity, looking stunned.

‘Yeah, get lost, why don’t you?’ a boy agrees viciously ‘It’s not like anyone’s gonna miss you.’ A collective “ooh”, followed by several sniggers from people like Erika, echoes in the crowds. Eternity’s cheeks turn visibly pink, even from where I am. I wince for her. Eternity is the loner of our year. I’m not sure whether I should feel sorry for her or not. When I see her on her own all the time in class…I feel terrible, and almost see it as my duty to go and talk to her. But when she’s as aggressive as this it doesn’t seem like such a good idea, and I can understand why she’s a reject.

‘I don’t care whether your type would miss me,’ hisses Eternity shakily ‘I’ve done everything I can for you to help you see the truth. Now, you’re worthless to me. You’re all worthless to me.’

‘Get a life!’ Erika sneers quietly.

‘The truth?’ another girl mocks ‘I think it’s you who’s twisting things around, Eternity. Come on, tell us. What’s Celeste ever done to you, then? Huh?’

‘To me? Keh! It’s to all of you!’ Eternity gestures at the onlookers ‘Can’t you see she’s been a fraud all along?’

‘A fraud?’ the same boy asks ‘What do you mean by that?’


‘The hell do you think I mean?’ Eternity throws her arms to her sides hopelessly ‘She’s not anything that she pretends to be, yet you’re all still eating all these lies up from her palm like the obedient little sheep you are, stupid!’

‘Don’t you call my guy stupid,’ snarls a girl who I think is called Sylvia ‘Like Roch said. It’s you who’s twisting things around, right? So do us a favor and go away, because we don’t care!’

Celeste is still standing still, blankly frightened.

‘That’s what you people are all about, isn’t it?’ Eternity mutters ‘Well, Cat would care. The decent people would care.’ Everyone has become completely silent, straining to hear, using all their efforts to watch in eager anticipation.

‘Like she matters! Cell’s little sister is nothing but a giggly little ditz,’ snaps back Rochelle ‘Isn’t that right, Cell?’

Eternity’s best (and only?) friend is Celeste’s…little sister?

‘Oh, just shut up!’ Eternity calls, scowling at her. But Celeste gazes at Rochelle in horror.

‘Cell?’

‘I…actually…’ Celeste stammers ‘Maybe it would be better if you did stop here, Rochelle.’

‘What? Cell, what is it? Don’t take notice of that scum!’ Rochelle reaches to her, but Celeste recoils.

‘I’m sorry, Rochelle! I…’ Celeste runs back into the building, long blonde hair flowing behind her.

‘Cell! Wait! What did I say…?’ Rochelle squeals as she follows her.

Past the chattering crowd, I see Kaden. Whether his shadow is there or not, I don’t care to find out. Realizing I’m looking at him, he gestures towards everyone and shrugs. The corners of my lips twitch. I will never understand these people either.


Chapter Three- Realization

Leaning against the tree, staring at the ballet of the fallen leaves, I realize that I’m humming dreamily. I find fit the words to the melody in my mind. This has been stuck in my head regularly since a few days ago, maybe just after the big drama in the courtyard that built up into…absolutely nothing. It keeps on playing at strange moments, like when I’m walking in the corridor, or looking out of the window, or most interestingly and frequently, when I’m helping Erika with her English work.

On that note, I wonder where she and Medina are right now? This is something that annoys me about my friends- they always turn up later than me. And because of this, if there comes a time when they do arrive before I do, they assume that I’m absent and leave without me.

This is the place where I always wait for them, every day. Waiting anywhere else would just feel strange, like acting out someone else’s life. I know that I hate this waiting now, but when there should come that time that I know it’s my last wait here…I’ll never want Medina and Erika to turn up, so that I can savor the moment forever, like the sunlight could wrap around it and preserve it. Forgettable moments, uneventful days, times that seem like nothing…these are still sweet memories, treasure more precious than any other.

Am I always like this in the mornings? Maybe I’m not awake properly yet. Or maybe this is how I’m meant to be, without the cynicism of the day.

‘Beep. Beep. Beep-beep. Beep!’

What? That’s not an alarm. That’s…Medina. Not that it makes any more sense.

‘I’m awake, I’m awake!’ I wave a hand. Erika’s arms droop limply at her sides.

‘I’m not,’ she mumbles ‘Aw, I’m so tired.’ Announcing tiredness is like the fanfare for Erika’s arrival.

‘Ivy? Are you looking forward to that project today?’ Medina asks, half-skipping along the path.

‘Project? There’s a project?’

‘ICT,’ she reminds me. I vaguely remember something.

‘Is boring,’ Erika adds. It may be, but I think that it’s going to get me further in life than Dance.

‘Isn’t it on celebrities, or something?’ I guess. Medina nods enthusiastically.

‘Yep! Singers, actually,’ she corrects me as we push open the ridiculously heavy doors of the school, proceeding to walk up the stairway. The faint sound of a piano playing seeps through the doorway of the music room, opposite the door of our classroom.

‘That’s a really pretty tune,’ Medina sways. Erika makes sick noises.

‘Yeah, whatever you say,’ she tells her ‘It’s not the best playing I’ve ever heard, and the music- ee!’

Erika hears the voices in the room.

‘That’s the only thing I can play on the piano, really…’ a soft voice says.


‘It’s really good!’ a chorus of voices assure the girl.

‘Ah, Celeste plays really well!’ Erika corrects herself. Medina and I smile at each other as Erika laughs nervously. The playing starts again, and as Medina and Erika seem to be enchanted by the simple melody, I start to appreciate the calm too. It really is quite beautiful…quite beautiful…

‘Oi! Get back with my shoe!’ a rough male voice yells as loud footsteps ascend the stairs quickly. Another similar voice cackles, the owner soon running by holding a scuffed black shoe over their head. The original boy runs after him, one foot in a grey sock slipping a little on the floor. They turn the corner and go out of sight.

‘I said gimme that ba- agh!’

‘Kahahah!’

Erika looks at the wall between us and them in disgust.

‘Boys,’ she sniffs ‘I wouldn’t date any of them in this school. Too immature.’ Medina gazes at Erika curiously.

‘Eri? Have you ever had a boyfriend?’ Erika looks worried about answering.

‘Er…uh…no,’ she says reluctantly ‘But that’s because I have standards, and like I said, you know…’ Medina turns to me.

‘Ivy?’

‘Same as Erika, I guess,’ I answer ‘Not that anybody’s ever asked me.’ I watch Erika’s predictable reaction closely.

‘What if someone were to ask you?’ Medina continues.

‘Depends…depends who it was, I suppose,’ I clasp my hands together uncomfortably.

‘So who is it that you’re thinking of, Ivy?’ whispers Erika deviously.

‘Nobody!’ I argue, hoping I look casual enough ‘I went to a girls’ school before, remember? And as you’ve said and those guys back there demonstrated…enough said. Who needs them?’

I’m being honest. I can’t recall anyone that I’ve discovered that I’m madly in love with. Maybe I’ll have a think about this….although I doubt that it works that way.

‘There has to be at least one exception, doesn’t there?’ Erika sighs.

‘Good luck finding him,’ I nudge her ‘Or…have you already found this perfect, good-humored, kind and sensible guy?’

‘This is a really awkward topic,’ Erika backs away ‘Let’s talk about something else. Um…have you done your Maths homework?’

That’s the best she could come up with?

Disappointing.


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‘Mika, Ami, you can go with Sal and Rogan. And then Medina and Ivy can go with Kaden for now, and Brad when he gets back…’

‘Brad? Who’s Brad, again?’ I ask Medina as Kaden walks over to us.

‘My friend,’ Kaden overhears and says ‘You know. Practically right across from you in English?’

‘Ah, Shadow-Ka…den,’ I say accidentally, cursing myself inwardly ‘Um…’ Luckily, Kaden finds it hilarious, laughing.

‘Shadow-Kaden,’ he repeats happily, amused ‘I need to use that one.’ I feel pleased as Medina reads the instructions on the board.

‘Any ideas for the singer we’re doing the presentation on?’ she asks us.

‘Somebody really popular?’ he suggests ‘Since we’re showing this to the class.’ I disagree.

‘Maybe not,’ I reply ‘Not everybody likes the really famous people. I don’t think controversy is the way to go.’ I don’t like those singers, personally, not when there are so many other wonderful undiscovered ones.

‘Are we going for some person that nobody’s ever heard of?’ Medina chews the end of her pencil.

‘That doesn’t sound too good either,’ Kaden says ‘But then at least nobody can tell us we’ve got any of the stuff wrong.’

‘What stuff?’ Medina asks.

‘You know…the stuff,’ he explains lamely.

‘It might not be as popular amongst the class, but at least it would be more fun,’ I add.

‘Okay, done!’ Kaden grins ‘Time to find Mr Obscure McWhatshisname.’

‘Or Ms!’ Medina chirps. Kaden smiles at her. How can you help but smile at Medina?

‘Aw, you guys are still practically drowning in the mainstream,’ I tell them ‘No humans!’

The entire lesson goes on in a similar, stupid, not at all useful way. And you know what? Netherthorpe has made me realize…in no way would I change it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An excited chatter comes from the corner again.

‘That’s so pretty, Celeste!’ Kaden mutters in a mocking high-pitched voice ‘I love everything about it, Celeste!’

‘And everything about you, my darling Celeste! Oh, that’s beautiful Celeste!’ I reply in the same voice ‘You don’t know how privileged I feel to be in your glowing presence, Celeste! I love


everything that you write down, Celeste! Ooh, can I marry that sentence, please, Celeste?’ Erika hits me as Kaden and Shadow-Kaden grin. That’s awful. I’ve forgotten Shadow-Kaden’s real name already.

‘Ngh!’ I rub my arm ‘But he started it!’ Erika glares.

‘Whatever, I’m going over to see what she wrote,’ she sighs, getting out of her chair. I follow, glancing back at the two boys.

‘Would you like to see what the fuss is about?’ I ask.

‘Yep,’ says Kaden ‘It might be useful to know when those girls start a new religion about Celeste’s Holy Words. Or…yeah, let’s go with that.’ Shadow-Kaden nods.

I walk over to the growing surge of admirers around Celeste, glancing back for a moment at the girl alone in the corner. Everyone else on her table has left for here…it must be horrible to be Eternity, always on the losing side.

I peer at the neat blue handwriting on the paper in front of Celeste. Original poetry isn’t my forte, but it’s definitely hers.

Music’s the only reality, it’s all that’s true

Lyrics are the only words that need not lie to you

But with time, and the changing of hands they come undone

However hot the candle burns, it’s not the sun

Embrace the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress

I’ll protect this infinite saga of melodies

If what you want’s success, why do you fight progress?

Don’t you know that the stars are too far away to seek?

Turn and look around us, where is all the darkness?

What you wanted was shining above you all along

I’m like the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress

I’ll turn the samsara into an eternal song

Despite not knowing what a samsara is, I have to admit that reading that gave me slight chills. There’s something about it…some sort of potential within it…something that tells me I don’t quite understand what it means yet. Celeste is an amazing poet.

‘What’s a samsara, Celeste?’ Mika asks, twining one of her light pigtails around her finger.


‘Literally? Um, it means “continuous flow”,’ explains Celeste, smiling sweetly ‘It’s a cycle of reincarnation, I think, but it can also be about the pursuing life…it’s in lots of religions…’

‘You write a lot of poems with words to do with religion, don’t you?’ points out Dylan.

‘Maybe I do,’ Celeste giggles nervously ‘I’m not certain on what mine are…but I still think all these beliefs are very beautiful, and they fit in really well sometimes!’

‘I still think they’re overdoing their reactions a bit,’ whispers Kaden as we walk back, Erika looking hypnotized.

‘You didn’t like it?’ I ask, surprised.

‘No, no!’ he says quickly, looking at Erika nervously ‘I liked it, it’s just…’ Erika seems satisfied with the response. We all look back at our lacking poems disappointedly.

‘Oh, boy,’ Erika whines.

‘That sums it up,’ I reply.

‘If I could choose any lesson at this time of the day, it would definitely not be English,’ adds Kaden ‘Er, Ivy?’

‘Hmm?’

‘You know how they’ve changed around where our Citizenship class is?’

‘They…have?’ I reply.

‘Yeah,’ he nods ‘Do you know where we- actually, you wouldn’t, would you…’ I suppose this is one of the things only a couple of classes were told. By not knowing and arriving late, I’m going to look like the most socially awkward new girl ever. Which I suppose I am. And neither Erika nor Medina is in Citizenship with me. Wait. That’s not such a problem.

‘No,’ an idea occurs to me ‘Should we both wander around the school together until we find it? At least, that way, we won’t look like friendless failures. Just…failures.’

Kaden agrees, but I don’t listen to his response properly. Huh…I just realized what he said earlier about English…that’s eerily similar to what I thought…how strange…


Chapter Four- Hope

‘I had a really weird dream last night,’ Erika announces as we sit outside at break the next day. Medina’s class hasn’t left yet.

‘Same here,’ I reply, still feeling a little different after it ‘What was yours about?’

‘This is gonna sound stupid, but don’t blame me, it was a dream, ‘kay?’ begins Erika.

‘It’s fine.’

‘There was this dog,’ Erika says ‘Or a wolf, I don’t know. Actually, it probably was a wolf, although it did look more like a green dog, because it was howling at a really tall tree.’

‘Are you sure it wasn’t the moon?’

‘No, it was definitely the tree,’ she continues ‘I remember because it was actually trying to talk to a light-blue goat at the top of the tree.’

‘Why was there a goat in the tree?’ I question her.

‘I don’t know! Don’t expect these things to make sense! The dog climbed up onto the lower branches. Anyway, the goat was too lazy to look down and do something about the dog, or wolf, or whatever it was. So it ignored the dog and started to talk to a bear in the tree instead. A red bear. Then the goat started to talk to a blue cow who was also in the tree. Then the dog was angry and started barking at the cow, so the cow fell out of the tree. Only then the cow wasn’t really a cow so before it landed it turned into stardust and went up into the sky.’

‘Wh-’

‘I don’t know why I know that! Then the dog started barking at the bear, and the bear fell out of the tree. The goat still wouldn’t listen so the dog tried to bark at the goat but it lost its voice, so the dog fell out of the tree. The goat tried to look down then, but it accidentally fell. After that it turned out the bear had landed on one of the branches of the tree again when it fell. Then the bear burnt down the tree in a giant orange fire and died.’

‘This is really morbid…’ I comment ‘And how did the bear burn down a giant tree anyway?’

‘I told you, I don’t know!’ Erika retorts ‘Something to do with the cow going into the sky and ignoring it anyway! It wouldn’t have happened if it had looked at the stars! So then all the animals were dead apart from two which had climbed out of the tree before.’

‘A rainbow armadillo and a pink elephant?’ I suggest.

‘No, a purple horse and a yellow frog. One of those poisonous ones. And I forgot to mention that there was this voice in the background throughout the entire thing talking in Latin.’

‘You know Latin?’ Erika doesn’t seem like the type, not when even my old school accepted that it was a dead language.

‘It sounded like Latin! You know, all “aype esk merst ooh yuh”.’

‘Erika? That sounds nothing like Latin.’


‘Stop criticizing! What was your dream?’

‘Uh…I’d rather not say.’ Mine wasn’t anywhere near as casual, random and uninteresting as Erika’s Rainbow Animal Warfare dream.

I’ve always wondered…why is it that we have dreams? I’ve known a lot of people that have said that it’s so we can order out our thoughts, but when you think about a dream like Erika’s, it doesn’t seem to be a decent theory at all. However, there are always counter-examples. Like my dream, which made me consider, thus helping a truth finally occur to me.

‘Why?’ taunts Erika ‘Was it about a guy?’

‘Erika! That’s all you ever think about! C-Can’t you just consider for once that not everything has to be about boys, therefore we girls can perfectly reasonably have peaceful undisturbed slumbers in the company of their own love-free thoughts after woman has fought so long for her feminist rights and…uh…yeah, that!’

‘It was so about a guy,’ Erika replies ‘Firstly, you didn’t deny it. Secondly, you talk posh when you’re lying. Posh-er.’

Damn.

‘Ivy, you don’t need to keep things from me,’ says Erika.

‘Well, I’m going to!’

‘No, I said that wrong, what I mean to say was,’ Erika corrects herself ‘that you can’t keep things from me.’

I’m going to have to be sure that I don’t act all weird when-

‘Hello,’ Kaden waves at me as he walks past, Shadow-Kaden in tow.

‘Hi,’ I wave back, and dig my fingernails into my palm.

He doesn’t know that somewhere in my mind, we wandered around the corridors, searching, twice. I suppose that I was too oblivious to figure this out the first time. It’s not easy to keep calm after you wake up and realize…no, I’m not going to think about this right now.

Kumi and Medina walk towards us. I feel relieved. That should distract Erika.

‘I heard Vicky and Blythe broke up,’ Erika says to Kumi, who doesn’t look surprised.

‘Old news,’ she tells Erika ‘And you could see it was going to happen soon anyway, couldn’t you? Vicky was only dating him so she wouldn’t hurt his feelings. That worked out well in the end, didn’t it?’

‘I felt really bad for him earlier…’ whimpers Medina ‘Do you think we should have done something when we walked past? To cheer him up?’

‘Done what? Given him a daisy-chain?’ sighs Kumi ‘No, there’s nothing you can do for unrequited love. People say love’s all beautiful and sweet, but it’s not. It sucks to be in love.’


‘It does?’ I accidentally ask. Kumi looks at me pityingly.

‘Well, yeah,’ she says ‘It’s nothing more than a glorified disease of the mind when you think about it.’ Erika winks at me, and then looks at Kumi. I’m not worried at all about her saying anything. In fact, having the school gossip here makes me less worried about what Erika might say. She’s not a perfect friend, but she’s a good enough one to know when to really shut up.

‘What happened to that classic, heart-warming, weight-less, glowing feeling of being in love?’ I point out.

‘I’m sure plenty of types of madness have their emotional up-sides,’ dismisses Kumi ‘In the end, what’s love going to get you? Heartbreak or more delusions. As I said, it’s a glorified disease of the mind, nothing more, and the more you embrace it, the sharper the pain will be when it hurts you.’

I don’t think I agree with Kumi…I don’t think I can.

The bell rings.

‘See ya!’ Kumi leaves.

‘Ah, good, ICT,’ I exclaim unconsciously. Erika raises an eyebrow.

‘What’s so good about it now?’

‘Oh, you know, the project,’ I lie, apparently not well enough.

‘So who’s in your group?’ Erika asks.

‘Me!’ Medina says ‘And Kaden and Brad.’ Erika blinks, and I can see her frowning in thought as we walk away.

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Love isn’t so bad, like Kumi says, is it? Maybe it is unbearable when you’re in the same situation as Blythe and you know that there’s no chance left for you, but if there’s still hope…hope is good. Hope is beautiful.

Do you know what I was thinking in the corridors all day, what I was hoping? I was hoping he was walking right there, right behind me…because even if my feelings will never come to anything, at least I’d still be near him.

…Ugh. That sounds a lot more stupid now.

Kumi might have a point, actually, about the madness thing. I’ve got all the mental fighting spirit and strength of…that’s it, water. I sigh as a raindrop falls onto my hand. This area is a lot rainier than the one I moved from. But it doesn’t ruin my calm and dream-like mood, as I let the rain run down my skin and stroke my hair, a simple embrace. I begin to hum the same tune again, and finally recognize it, fitting the lyrics to the melody in my mind.

Lonely souls burning up in flames, yearn for each other, our love stays the same…if I can’t save your tears then I know this will all have been just a one-person game…


‘Time, stop now, I’m too drawn into you, I must count every unstable heartbeat…remaining forever in this pure emotion, has this reality become a fairytale?’


One Month Later

Chapter Five- The Feeling

‘I really do appreciate you being my friend, Ivy,’ Medina says.

‘Hm?’ I reply, surprised ‘Why are you suddenly telling me now?’

‘I realized that I hadn’t said it properly before,’ she explains quietly ‘I thought I should say it now, because you’re a really good friend.’

‘Thanks,’ I say to her ‘So are you.’

‘Thank you!’

‘Aw,’ Kaden laughs.

The singer that we chose to be the subject of our presentation really does fit the description of who we were looking for, right down to her name, so much so that it’s less of a mouthful to call her “Ms. Obscure McWhatshername”, or even “Her Obscure Obscureness The Obscure and Only Lady Obscure McWhatshername, The Obscure”. Kaden takes credit for that one since he refuses to call this woman anything else, despite the fact that he always loses count of the “obscure”s halfway through and mucks the entire sentence of what he’s trying to say up.

I’m currently searching up pictures of her on the internet. It sounds like a good share in the work and it would be if we were researching any other artist. But behind me, Kaden, Medina and Shadow-Kaden are animatedly discussing (well, not so much the latter) all the hidden meanings in her songs, while all I’ve really figured out is that I’m jealous of this woman’s hair. It’s naturally long, straight, platinum blonde and beautiful.

The good thing about me doing this is the angle of the computer I’m using. The reflection of the screen perfectly focuses Kaden so I can look at him without seeming like a stalker. Which I suppose I am. This must mean that he can see me well too. Or is me seeing him as the focus nothing to do with the screen? Aside from romance films (which I ironically hate, but have had to put up with for the last few years to at least have some knowledge of how love goes), I’m not familiar with how this is meant to work.

Across the last month, everything seems to have become…darker and sharper…

‘I think we should concentrate on this song,’ Kaden holds one of the print-outs in his hand ‘Lorelei.’ Medina leans over to him to see the paper better, her smooth and bouncy hair brushing his shoulder. I feel a strange chill, only it’s more…burning than freezing. It’s just a small thing. A small meaningless thing. But I can’t deny that I’ve noticed it…the hidden poison I intentionally masked with foolish hope…the feeling.

‘What’s it about?’ she asks excitedly. I want to find out too. But I need to do this right…how do you crop these pictures? Why can’t I remember? I can’t even remember the singers name…Lara…Laura…Lorelei? No, that’s the song…the song.

‘It looks like it links to a legend about a girl named Lorelei who would sing by the ocean, or something like that,’ Kaden reads the sheet ‘luring the sailors into the rocks.’

‘Ee,’ Medina looks upset ‘That’s not very happy.’ Thank you, Ms Obvious McWhatever.


‘Her Obscure Obscureness The Ob…Her Royal Obscureness’s songs aren’t meant to be,’ he replies ‘They’re meant to give an impression of the real world, the real world outside of all these songs about kissing-’

My eyes turn wide for a second.

‘-and parties. It looks like Lorelei’s story is expanded on in this song, and she’s shown as a teenage girl who has a breakdown and begins to hate everyone around her. When it grows unbearable, for her sake and everyone else’s, she runs away, singing songs alone. But then she dies on a cold night-’

‘That’s terrible!’ Medina sniffs.

‘-and she’s the seventh person to become a remnant, a ghost, which links in with another legend nobody cares about.’

I actually know about this legend from the research, although the website I used didn’t use the term “remnant”, which is the seldom used official one. It’s an old myth about anyone being devout of sin and caught up in a tragedy being left behind in a ghostly state. A few people have even claimed to see the remnants, but as these claims go, they’ve been the only ones. How convenient.

‘So this ghost keeps singing the same song and people crash into the rocks,’ continues Kaden ‘Up until a thousand years later when everyone’s too scared of the place she haunts to sail there and she disappears.’

‘And they all lived happily ever after,’ I add sarcastically, still cropping the picture ‘It must have been one captivating song, mustn’t it?’

‘Yep,’ Kaden agrees, struggling greatly with the next few mispronounced words ‘The song is meant to be the chorus. Which isn’t even in English. Vaga et perdidit, super oceanus, invenire me, invenire me, aliquis tandem. Aetenum et perdidit, septimo reliquias.’

‘Aype esk merst ooh yuh.’

‘What?’

‘Never mind.’ He doesn’t understand. Of course not. If we were closer, he’d find that funny.

‘Doesn’t sound amazing enough to die for,’ Shadow-Kaden mutters.

‘I have an explanation,’ Kaden says ‘After she disappeared, Lorelei was reincarnated…as Celeste.’ Medina is the only one that doesn’t laugh.

‘It’s still sad,’ her lip trembles. Oh, please. There’s no way she can find this that upsetting. It’s all an act. It has to be. Maybe I don’t like Medina more than Erika after all. At least Erika never pretends to be who she isn’t. I sigh, but Kaden looks guilty.

‘Sorry,’ he apologizes, reaching to pat her gently on the shoulder.

I bite my lip angrily, not caring about how much it’s beginning to hurt. During the past month, I’ve managed to become good friends with Kaden. Yet still, he never treats me like he does girls like Medina. I might as well accept it. I’m not a prospective girlfriend. I’m not one of those kitten-like girls with fluffy hair, cute skirts and sweet little mannerisms. I’m never going to try to be.


But I can’t accept that. Neither can I change who I am.

I really do appreciate you being my friend, Ivy. Who the hell does she think she’s kidding?

No. I’m being too cruel. I can’t blame Medina. I can only blame myself and my weakness for “the feeling”. Even if this isn’t who she really is, Medina is only trying to be nice. That’s all it is. She’s not scheming or anything. Medina is a nice person. Not like…like me. See? How is this a surprise at all?

‘Kay? You’re in our Maths class, aren’t you?’ she asks. She’s calling him “Kay”?

No! What am I thinking…what kind of person am I turning into?! I have to fight against this feeling…or…

‘Yeah, why?’

‘Did you get the homework?’ Medina tilts her head hopefully.

‘Eventually. Are you asking because you didn’t?’

‘Mm.’

‘Would you like some help?’

‘I-If you don’t mind,’ Medina beams appreciatively and looks back at me, grinning even more. What does she think she’s doing? Does she know? Is she gloating?

‘Ivy?’ she calls ‘You didn’t understand the last question, did you?’ I have really got to stop being so suspicious. I’m the one at fault.

‘Come over here for a minute, then,’ Kaden suggests. I turn the monitor off, while at the same time bringing a pencil and grabbing my Maths book, although I honestly don’t feel like being so close to any of them…well, again, not so much Shadow-Kaden.

Do you know why it hurts? It hurts because I can read the truth so easily from people…it hurts because I can understand the way Kaden sees sweet girls like Medina…and I can see how different it all is to how…how he sees me…how he sees me, how he sees me…

Why can’t I stop the cycle of those words? I’m no longer in control…trapped in the endless cycle of jealousy. Nothing is even going on! This is stupid! This is pointless! So why do I feel this way? What’s happening to me…?

No, it’s okay. I’m stronger than that. I can suppress this.

As Kaden explains the question, I realize that although I can’t make sense of it, I’m actually not too bothered about remedying that right now. What does it matter? I might as well give in…

‘Ivy?’ I look up. Kaden looks from across the table at me, with a slightly worn expression.

‘Yes?’

‘Did you listen to anything I just said?’


‘Nope.’ I accentuate the word by prodding him playfully on the shoulder with the end of my pencil, and going on to continue to twirl it around between my fingers.

‘I give up on you,’ he sighs, not entirely seriously. That was a good idea, wasn’t it? Now I suppose Medina’s going to show me how that should have gone.

‘Actually, Kay, I didn’t quite understand that last bit,’ Medina, next to me with a focused look in her eyes, says tentatively ‘Could you explain it to me again? If it’s not too much trouble...’ Kaden smiles at her affectionately.

‘No, of course not. See, you just...’

Medina and I are so close, yet so apart in personality. Medina is always the cute and gentle one. As I’ve known all along, I’ve never been that girl. It’s never been my place to be, and it wouldn’t work to start now. I have too much dignity to live a pretence anyway. And aren’t people meant to love you for who you are? But...what if that’s just another indoctrination? How many of these statements can I trust? How many are just beautiful lies? Is that what I need to do...to get what I want...is what I want not meant for me? Do I have to destroy myself in order to get it...to become the person it is meant for?

I glance yet again at Medina. She’s listening attentively and admiringly to everything that he says. He looks back at her appreciatively.

Is there more than I can see behind his gaze, in his mind? Then I have to use my mind. After all, love is just another fact. That’s got to be the type of girl that he likes. And is it at all surprising, with the unflattering and rough way in which girls like me act?

Let it go, Ivy. You’re not Medina, and that’s all. You’re also not a girl who curls up in self-pity, so move on.

I take another hopefully casual glance, still twiddling around the pencil in my hand, even though I want to throw it across the room and smash a screen with the sheer force. As they share a smile, here’s that consuming feeling inside my heart again, spreading and dying my body with poison. That dark sharpness...the sharpness of everything was a final clarity, the dark was me waking from that idealistic bright dream...

Oh, hell. I wish I’d tried to concentrate now.


Chapter Six- Revelation

‘So, I told him that he had no right to criticise. Everyone has flaws, don’t they? Aren’t you meant to embrace them? Right? Then I asked who he thought I was, because for his own good, he should be judging me on the influence I h-’

‘I thought you were going to tell us about Eternity?’ Erika looks at Kumi disappointedly. Kumi shrugs.

‘Fine, if you want,’ she says ‘I don’t know why you’re so interested. It’s the same story as usual. Eternity’s going around claiming she knows things about Celeste.’

‘What things are they?’ Erika questions.

‘That’s exactly why we don’t believe her,’ answers Kumi ‘She refuses to say, so she’s obviously not telling the truth. She hates Celeste with a passion, doesn’t she? So why would Eternity be trying to protect her?’

‘But, even then...’ points out Medina ‘Eternity’s quite clever. If she was going to lie...wouldn’t she lie well?’ Kumi moves her hands like scales of judgment.

‘She has her intelligent moments, sure,’ she argues ‘But not socially. To her credit, she did try to back it up somehow under pressure, said something about that Catarrhina...’

‘What’s Catarrhina got to do with anything?’ Erika asks.

‘Oh, Catarrhina has to do with everything,’ Kumi says knowledgably. Erika raises an eyebrow.

‘Such as?’

‘Well, she’s Celeste’s beloved little sister, isn’t she?’ Kumi replies, not completely confidently ‘And she’s Eternity’s best friend. There’s got to be, eh, something funny going on there, hasn’t there?’ Erika seems to consider saying something else, but then, looking at Kumi’s unstable expression, decides against it.

‘Ivy?’ Medina peers at my bowed head, face mostly obscured with slightly tangled hair that I couldn’t be completely bothered to spend too much time brushing ‘Are you okay?’

It irritates me when people ask me if I’m “okay”. It’s not like they really care, or at least like they should care. Look past every facade and game and we’re all only humans. The ones of us that cared for ourselves foremost were the ones that survived. That’s how we’re meant to be. However much we pretend...even pretending is for ourselves, to be thought of as caring...

Eternity might have a point, actually. The persona of Celeste probably doesn’t exist. But then, does that of anybody else? What if Eternity is the only one who has managed to stay true to herself...and for that, look how everyone treats her...

Am I trying to play too fairly?

‘Um, yes, just thinking,’ I sense it wouldn’t be good form to tell Medina my real thoughts, especially not in front of Kumi or Erika.

‘About what?’


It’s very touching that she’s at least trying to be concerned, but that only makes everything worse.

‘Nothing much. I had a bad dream that meant I didn’t sleep much last night, so it appears that I’m easily distracted today,’ the last part is true enough to make up for the original lie ‘Is there anything else interesting happening at the moment, Kumi?’ I don’t really care, but I want something to distract myself from...I don’t know what exactly. My heart just feels shaky for some reason.

‘Like I said, Alban’s being a total-’

‘I mean, apart from that?’

‘Fine,’ Kumi says ‘No. It’s been a boring week. There’s no real spice. The best thing I can give you is that one of the boys is moving schools.’

‘Mmph,’ Erika looks disappointed ‘That sucks.’

‘That being the best I can give you sucks, or are you upset about the boy moving?’ Kumi stares at Erika in anticipation, practically licking her lips.

‘No, that being the best you can tell me,’ Erika squeaks hastily.

Despite acting normal otherwise, through the rest of the break, I can see Erika looking at me strangely, like she knows exactly what’s going on.

As the bell goes, she sidles up to me casually, but when close enough, her expression becomes serious and her voice is a whisper different to how I’ve ever heard her speak before.

‘If anything’s wrong, you know you can talk to me, don’t you?’

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Alone in my room, I open one of the drawers and dig through the contents desperately with my hands. I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t do this on my own. And I’ve just discovered that despite every belief I originally held onto, there’s one person I can turn to. I feel the scrap of paper, the sensation my hands were searching for. Immediately as I withdraw those hands, I wring them in pain, remembering...

Quickly and angrily, I press the numbers I need onto my mobile, trying to disguise from myself how my fingers shake. A distant ring comes from the phone.

‘Hello. Erika speaking. Who is this?’

‘Hi, Erika. It’s me.’

‘Ivy! You haven’t called in a while! How are you?’

Why does it astound me how carefree Erika sounds? Did I really believe that she understood?

Silence hangs loosely like the phone in my hand. I hear footsteps, muffled by the connection.

‘Ivy? Ivy, are you still there?’ Erika asks worriedly.


‘Mm.’

‘Ivy,’ Erika repeats in a different tone ‘I’m taking whatever’s going on seriously, I swear. It just didn’t feel right trying to say this with my parents eavesdropping.’

‘E...eh...’

‘However screwed up everything around us may be, however I act sometimes, we’re still friends. If something’s up, you can tell me. I promise...I’ll help you. Unless you don’t want me to. But I know that you haven’t had, um, very many friends in the past. So I need you to know that I’ll always be here waiting for you, as long as there’s no turning back from life. I’m here right now. Please, Ivy.’

‘E-Erika...’

I’ve known all along that I’m not familiar with any of this. Erika must be right. There must be a reason for friends, beyond the meaningless fun times. And I can’t tell Medina...I can’t let her know she’s a part of this...I have too much decency left for that. Medina’s too nice...unlike me...unlike...me...

‘It’s Kaden, isn’t it?’

It feels like every muscle has just tensed. I freeze completely.

‘Uh...what?’ I somehow stammer.

‘How often do you talk to boys?’ Erika asks rhetorically ‘How often do you talk to anyone, in fact? I know what it’s like to be in love. I saw myself in you. And now you’re all upset because he’s moving soon-’

‘He’s...moving?’

‘You didn’t know? Kumi said, didn’t she?’

‘She didn’t say who was moving!’

‘I suppose she couldn’t have, or you’d have picked it up,’ accepts Erika ‘Oh, God, I’m so sorry.’

‘He’s...leaving...?’

‘In just over a month. I’m sorry. But it’s not the end, is it?’

‘Of course it’s the end,’ I mutter, more to myself. There’s been no progression between the two of us...it’s not going to start now. Goodbye. It’s done. It’s the end. I’ve mucked around with and wasted my chance.

‘Ivy, you’re a really great person,’ Erika says ‘Better than me, at any rate. Go for it.’

‘Go for what? What am I meant to do?’

‘Tell him how you feel! See how it goes.’

‘See how it goes?’ I laugh, although I’m shaking so much ‘You don’t get it, do you?’


‘I completely get it,’ Erika argues ‘You have so much more potential than me. I can’t let you waste your chance. There’s nothing wrong with the truth. Even if you have to wait right until the end...right until the very end, what have you got to lose?’

‘I suppose.’

‘I always saw you being dominant in your relationships anyway.’

‘Eh? Excuse me?’

‘What? Not like that! I thought you were meant to be sheltered!’

‘Sheltered, not stupid. I’ve been going to Netherthorpe for long enough.’ We both laugh.

‘You feel better after talking, don’t you?’ Erika asks smugly.

‘Definitely,’ I agree ‘Thanks, Eri...ka.’

‘Good. You’d better not go all Medina on me.’

‘I wish I could.’

‘Hey...Medina’s not part of this too, is she?’

I breathe in. It’s not over yet. I’ve already decided. I’m going to tell her everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Only after the phone screen is black and the room is silent do I realise that I haven’t told her everything at all. I told her about the first dream. But not the second.

I clutch my hands together again and feel a shiver in my neck.

I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I’m sorry...I promise I’ll never hurt you...


Chapter Seven- Confession

When I reach the door of the ICT suite, someone is already standing by it, waving.

‘Hi, Medina,’ I greet her ‘Are you ever late?’ No strange feelings. Nothing can go wrong today.

‘I do try to always turn up on time,’ she looks a little embarrassed as we walk in. I breathe deeply as we reach our group in the corner.

‘I heard you’re moving soon,’ I say to Kaden lightly, trying not to sound too bothered by it.

‘Really soon,’ he confirms as Shadow-Kaden looks visibly distraught ‘I think I’ll miss this place, actually. I’ve always said I hated it, but right by the end...there’s not going to be anywhere else I want.’ I nod slowly as Medina continues to perfect the presentation’s colour scheme on the computer. This would be the perfect time. There’s so much I’ve been thinking, so much I could say...but I can’t. That wouldn’t feel right. Maybe I should just say the most simple true words and-

‘I’ll miss you,’ Medina interrupts my thoughts solemnly. Kaden makes an effort to smile politely.

‘Thanks, Medina,’ he replies ‘I’ll miss you too.’

Isn’t that ironic?

I continue on with my designing, sketching softly on the paper, crowded with forgotten ideas. A few seconds later, Shadow-Kaden and Kaden start a fencing match with pencils. Considering how much time they spend around each other, it’s astounding that this is the most they interact. Maybe boys have different friendships to the ones girls have. I’ve heard something like that before. Nevertheless, I savour the moment, hoping I can keep it for the future. I’m not delusional. I know I’m going to need it, confession or no confession. Love isn’t forever, however eternal it seems at the time, and I don’t know whether that’s a soothing thought or not. It doesn’t matter. I want to remember...I want to remember these feelings. This isn’t my one chance at love, after all. Sometime in the future...sometime I’ll know this was all just a fleeting echo of a true love story. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll only believe that. So I want to know this feeling eternally.

And if it is my one chance of love...at least I’ll still have the memory of that smile. At least I’ll be able to walk down that path again and hope the rain embraces me, humming that same song...even if the vision of this becomes nothing more than a beautiful imitation...

Imitations, imaginations are so much more desirable than reality. Even if the world around me becomes a nightmare in the future, I’ll still have my dreams. That’s why I have to remember the cool of the air, the smoothness of the tables, the reassuring click of the pencils, like heartbeats telling me he’s here.

And I’ll have that dream as long as I wish to dream it. I’ll have that dream where I recall everything about our last moment together, and then us two...us two, instead of living whatever unfolding nightmare, run off into the world together. What happens after that? Anything could happen. A new world, forbidden to me by reality will exist. Even when I no longer see that face, hear that steady sound of breathing, in my mind, in my heart...we will disobey the rules of reality.

It’s no use. I can’t completely tear myself from reality. Not when the potential reality can be so beautiful, a clear vision, luring me in.


‘There’s something by my chair,’ Kaden says, leaning down to detach something from a leg and proceeding to hold it up in front of us. It’s a delicate silver chain.

‘It’s shiny,’ Medina stares in longing. I’ll admit: it is quite nice. I wouldn’t mind having a necklace like that.

What? So I’m not allowed to like pretty things too?

‘I’ll go show this to Sir,’ Kaden walks over to the desk, holding the necklace tentatively and glancing at everyone nervously, quickly muttering to Mr Rodriguez. He inspects the chain and then hands it back to him, to his obvious horror.

‘It’s only a little thing,’ he says quite loudly, making several people turn towards the two of them ‘You can keep it.’

‘Didn’t know you were into jewellery,’ calls a nearby boy.

Poor Kaden. Now he really looks terrified, quickly sinking back into his chair.

I suppose...if Kaden doesn’t want it, I could accept it. It would work out well for both of us. That would make it the most precious possession I owned, if only I could be given that necklace...an action like that would be an acknowledgment of my femininity...maybe even something more? If only...

Kaden looks at me. Then he looks at Medina.

‘Here,’ he says, offering out the silver in his hand to her.

Of course. I’m not that type of girl. Medina is.

But it’s fine. I’m totally over this already.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Ivy? I’m just heading out for a moment, darling. I’ll be back in a bit!’

‘Okay!’

The door slams, and immediately I collapse to the ground. How pathetic.

I hate her, I hate her, I hate her, I hate her...

No. I don’t hate her. Medina is my best friend. She’s nice. That’s right. Nice. Nicer than me.

That’s why I hate her.

It’s all...because of you. You’ll never, ever, ever know this...because you don’t feel this way. You can’t feel this pain. You can’t understand! You don’t know what it is to feel like tears might cure your hurt. But they don’t. They never do.

No! Stop crying. Stop being so pathetic! I’ve always been like this from the beginning.


From the beginning! I should have known...I should have faced up to it and known...or never felt this way at all. This doesn’t happen to me.

If I were to leave now, you’d have to care. You’d have to feel pain, like this. You’d have to understand. But do you care? You can never care like this. Because....

I love you. Damn words. Words you betray.

What am I...what am I...

Rising up shakily, I drag myself to the kitchen, turning on the cold tap and drenching my face in water, pretending to myself about the cause of the damp.

Why...I can’t bother to continue...what’s the use when everything leads me to a future I did not desire...?

I’m thinking, reaching out...but it’s all just an imitation. That’s all it will ever be...an imitation.

Loud uneven breathing. It doesn’t matter. Nobody will ever hear. Nobody will ever know. No-one will ever know...

Take away another teardrop...but I can’t take away anything...anything more...

Walking to the sideboard, I take a knife into my hand. This is serious. I have to tell myself that this is serious.

I press the knife against my arm.

If I were to disappear now...you’d have to care...you’d have to feel pain...

I try to press harder, but I can’t.

No. That makes me feel slightly better. I can’t leave yet. Accepting this truth, I lick the small drop of blood off my arm and place back the knife.

Looking up at the sickening light, I wonder why. What is there left for me to do? Who would choose me? Me, when there are all these others...they all know how to play this game...I don’t. If you don’t have a natural sense of direction, tough luck, you’re lost...I’m lost. I don’t know how to find my way back, let alone forward. Yeah. Who would choose me?

I’m not like any of those beautiful and elegant girls, whether he considers them out of his grasp or not. Love doesn’t care about how far it can reach! Kumi, you’re right! Never forget that! Love only acts on impulse, it doesn’t think! It doesn’t even matter what he says, because love is all lies! Love is selfish and petty. If you don’t do exactly as it says, get exactly what it wants, it will punish you by tearing you apart.

Love. Don’t tell me this isn’t love. Isn’t it love when every second without that person stabs you sharply, because you can’t bear not being by their side? Isn’t it love when every second with that person hurts almost as much, because you can’t bear to think of the moment soon slipping through your grasp? Isn’t it love when you fall to the floor every time you realise you’re alone, screaming and drowning in your tears pitifully?


Walking back into the living room, I feel painfully alone. I need help. I crawl over to the phone, reaching up to dial Erika’s number before sinking back down, dragging the phone to my level. It rings a few times.

‘Hello?’

I hiccup.

‘Ivy? Ivy, is that you?’ Erika asks, although it sounds like she already knows.

‘Yes,’ I reply. My voice sounds weak and strangled.

‘Oh, God, what’s wrong?’

I tell her about the necklace and start crying again, halfway through not caring what she thinks.

‘And you know, it’s like...I know if he had to choose between the two of us...’ I wail ‘It’s like he’s already chosen...he’s chosen Medina. She’s so lovely and cute and girly...and I-I could never be taken seriously in that way!’

‘Ivy,’ Erika says sternly ‘You don’t know that. You’re just guessing.’

‘Even so...that alone isn’t the problem,’ I finally have to say ‘It’s like I...like I...’

‘Tell me.’

‘No, I can’t.’ I slam the receiver back down.

‘Lonely souls burning up in flames, yearn for each other, our love stays the same…’ I sing, trying to drag back hope, but my voice shakes too much from the overflowing emotions ‘If I can’t save my tears…t-then I know this will all have been just a…one-person…a one person game. Time, stop now, I’m too drawn into you, I must count every…unstable heartbeat…remaining forever in this pure e-emotion, has this reality…become…a f-fairytale…?’

All these things I’ve known before from overused romances...not...this is not...this is not the fairytale I wished for. It can never be. How can...something so insignificant...but it’s not insignificant! Stop kidding the one person who knows...

I can’t sing that song anymore. I can’t even think of that song.

A faint echo, a memory plays in my mind. A simple morning of waiting...the calm sound of a piano seeping through the doorway...I don’t even care that the girl playing it is my superior by far, or even just an actress. More memories...a typical morning, voices from the corner...

And then they link for the first time.

Celeste’s poem...Celeste isn’t an amazing poet after all. She’s...an amazing lyricist.

‘Music’s the only reality, it’s all that’s true,’ I try linking the writing to the piano ‘Lyrics are the only words that need not lie to you. But with time, and the changing of hands they come undone. However hot the candle burns, it’s not the sun. Embrace the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress, I’ll protect this infinite saga of melodies. If what you want’s success,


why do you fight progress? Don’t you know that the stars are too far away to seek? Turn and look around us, where is all the darkness? What you wanted was shining above you all along. I’m like the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress...I’ll turn the samsara into an eternal song.’

My sleeve is still wet...but my hair and face aren’t. The song made me forget to cry. That’s astounding.

The samsara...a sad eternal cycle. For all the time I have left, will I’ll keep living in this same way? I realize in that moment...I have nothing left to lose.

I try to dial Erika’s number again, but my hands shake and I press the wrong numbers. I breathe in and succeed the second time.

‘Have you changed your mind about telling me?’

‘Yes...Erika...’

‘You might as well get this over with.’

‘The other night...I dreamt I strangled someone.’

‘Is that all?’

‘No...definitely not. It just showed me...it’s like...’

‘What is it like?’

‘It’s like,’ the next six words rush out uncontrollably in one breath ‘like I want to kill Medina.’


Chapter Eight- Broken

I clasp my hands over my mouth. My own voice...no...I can’t believe that...I just said...I...

I knew it. I knew it, all along. I knew it was true. But those feelings were inside my heart. Not my mind. My mind held the sanity I needed to carry on, to fight those feelings. My heart was separate from my mind. Now I don’t even know if I still have my mind, or if it has fled from me in disgust, leaving me only with this infectious, passionate darkness building up in my heart.

There’s a silence. I know what Erika is thinking. I know how shocked she is. Because I am too.

Medina...I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve this kind of hatred, it’s me who is despicable. But there’s only so long before there is nothing left of me but this heart, however heartless I become, with love and hate mixed together into...into this.

‘Ivy,’ Erika’s voice rings out harshly, making me flinch away from the receiver ‘You don’t mean that. Medina’s important to you, important to both of us. However much you love Kaden, remember this: you love Medina too.’ Tears fall onto my shirt, my chest growing darker and colder.

‘But...but, although I love Medina, in so many ways...’ I whisper ‘This way in which I love Kaden...no other way can ever be as controlling, powerful and...painful as that. That love is wrathful...that love will destroy every other competing love for itself. And th-that’s why...’

‘Shh,’ Erika says comfortingly ‘Please, take a little walk...give yourself time to calm down before you do anything rash. I have to go, but I’ll see you tomorrow. Smile! We’ve got that cop-out of a Science trip to the forest. Okay? ‘

‘Okay.’

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Erika was right. The summer breeze quickly and gently dried my tears for me, and the familiar, fresh and clean air had helped me kid myself that everything was fine. And now, in the peaceful forest, maybe it is fine.

Or not.

I’m no longer afraid to admit this, no longer compelled to make up happy endings. Somehow, somewhere, I know that conversation still didn’t heal me. Not like the first one. Maybe because I know happiness is fleeting this time. If something were to happen today...I don’t think I could heal ever again. I glance at my arm. It’s discreet, but unmistakably there. This is serious. I can’t deny any of it anymore.

‘And over there, we have a squirrel on a pine tree. This pine tree has-’

‘You know your school’s been hit hard by the recession when they choose tour guides like this,’ mutters Erika, who has been her usual self today- the bored self which feels the need to make a comment after every sentence.

‘-and if you were to look inside this tree, you would find-’

‘...yourself dying of boredom?’ Erika suggests, yawning loudly as we continue to follow the guide. A boy with a camera glares at her.


‘If you’d listen, you’d find out that this is actually very interesting,’ he says. Erika gives him an “are you joking?” look, and he looks defiant.

‘Oh, please,’ she snorts after a while. Medina seems indecisive.

‘I kind of liked the squirrel,’ she mentions to Erika. Erika turns away in a dignified way.

‘It was pretty cute,’ I think I hear her mutter to herself.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Finally, we reach concrete, the feel of it under our shoes so different to the constant grass. We’re standing in a queue, waiting to be able to leave. A few girls are looking down at their slightly muddy boots in horror and hastily brushing the tiny specks of dirt off.

‘How are you getting back from here?’ I ask Medina ‘Are you taking the bus, or going on your own?’

‘I’m walking back,’ Medina answers ‘It’s nice that they gave us the option to go back home ourselves this time. My house is really close to here.’ This is the girl I hated a few hours ago? How ridiculous.

‘I’m walking as well,’ I say ‘So’s Erika, aren’t you, Eri-’ I look behind me. ‘Huh. Where did she go?’ Medina glances around.

‘I don’t know. She was here earlier!’ she bites the nail of her thumb worriedly. A female teacher that I can’t remember the name of walks by, muttering numbers.

‘Forty-three,’ she announces ‘We’re missing two.’

‘Erika’s one of them,’ Medina calls helpfully ‘And so is Kaden.’ I look at her.

‘How did you work that out so quickly?’

Medina points discreetly at a baffled and lost looking Shadow-Kaden.

‘Should I try and find them?’ I offer. The teacher shrugs, looking at her watch.

‘Sure, just don’t get lost.’ Medina looks at her foot, twisting the ankle around in a concerned fashion.

‘You can stay here,’ I tell her ‘Since your foot’s still hurting.’ She smiles, relieved as I gently separate my way through the crowd.

‘Erika? Kaden?’ There’s no reply. I can’t see them anywhere, so I keep walking, looking for them. I push past some branches.

‘Erika? Kaden?’ I repeat, a little louder ‘Come on, we’re about to leave. If you’re listening, this is really not funny...’

‘E-’

I stop suddenly. There they are, standing and talking. Kaden turns to look at me first, then Erika.

‘What are you doing here?’ I ask. Erika looks mortified. Kaden doesn’t.


‘I’m still not quite sure,’ he replies ‘Erika said she wanted to talk to me in private. Something about a note. She didn’t get around to saying anything more than that.’

‘Oh, well, I could leave if you want,’ I say ‘Make it quick, though.’ When Kaden turns to Erika, I give her a questioning look. She blinks back at me hopelessly.

‘Ah, well, it wasn’t that important!’ laughs Erika quickly ‘Let’s go, shall we?’ I exchange a confused look with Kaden, and he turns to the direction of the buses immediately. I continue to watch Erika, who’s still looking as if she wants me to disappear. She hides her arm behind her back and drops a small piece of paper.

‘Just some rubbish,’ she dismisses ‘Let’s go. Why are you looking like that? It’ll rot down, won’t it?’

What? Does she really expect me not to link the paper with Kaden’s words “something about a note”? I’m going to have to get it. I breathe in sharply, twitching my foot.

‘Is something wrong?’ Erika asks, stopping walking away. I wince.

‘I think I have a stone embedded in my shoe,’ I whine ‘A really jagged stone. It’s quite painful.’ Erika waits.

‘No, keep walking,’ I say quickly ‘It really hurts. There might be a possibility of blood.’ Erika walks away hurriedly.

‘I’ll be out here,’ she calls from behind the branches. I reach down, but instead of grabbing my shoe, I grab the torn piece of paper. I open it, read it and shudder with cold rage.

Should I...or shouldn’t I...? What have I got to lose? Soon, everything. This is my last chance. I could either take it, or spend the rest of my life living in that sad dream.

I asked myself each night this same question...how could he love me? Me, when everyone else knows how to play this game...the competition is too strong. I can’t fight them. Or at least, I can’t fight them fairly. But I saw it, didn’t I? I’ve been playing too fairly. Why didn’t I see the answer all along?

There are two ways that I could make him have to care about me...

The first would be my disappearance. What use would that be? But the second would be exactly the opposite.

Love me...only me...

I’ve decided now. This is the fate of the one person who I believed could save me. She could not save me. For that, she must be punished. I will not save her.

‘Erika,’ I begin as I walk out ‘Did you- I mean, would you like to meet with me later this afternoon?’ The corner of Erika’s right eye twitches.

‘Er, sure,’ she answers ‘Why?’

‘I have to go and pick up some groceries from the supermarket,’ I explain ‘I know it’s not your kind of thing, but we could stop by one of those shops you like.’ Erika smiles.


‘So when do you want to meet?’ she asks. I think. It gets dark around six at this time of year...but maybe I should leave an allowance.

‘Seven?’ I suggest. Erika frowns.

‘Why so late?’

‘I want to eat first.’

We reach the queue, and within a few minutes those who are going home by themselves are allowed to do so. I watch Erika waving goodbye to several people.

‘See you later,’ I call. A thrilling shudder runs through my body and my pulse quickens. It’s all set out for me. Why would I go back?

Am I still myself? Am I still what you would call a person?

I don’t care. The world is mine, and I won’t give it up without fighting, even if I must lose everything.

That’s right, Erika. I don’t care how many traitorous words you write. Don’t you see how far I am willing to take this? Don’t you see how much stronger my love is? You don’t even know love. You’ve always been like this, jealous and spiteful. It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s done. But you deserve everything you’re about to get.


Chapter Nine- Sacrifice

I click “play” on my laptop and a haunting yet inspiring song begins as I open my wardrobe and search through all the clothing.

Too bright...too thin...too plain...if I’m going to do this, I might as well do it right.

I decide on a black skirt and top when a beep comes from the laptop. I have a message...from...

Hi Ivy :) It’s Kaden.

He...he wants to talk to me? It’s as if he knows...

It is? Then how did you get my e-mail address?

I feel light-headed and can’t remember.

Our group exchanged them for the project, remember???

That makes sense.

Okay, but why are you contacting me right now?

Bored.

Fair enough, but I’m going to have to go later.

Although I would have tried to put this off if I knew you were going to contact me...

How much later?

Half an hour.

But it’s going to be really dark.

So?

Is he...worried about me being safe?

It’s dangerous after dark around here.

How sweet...

Dangerous? Why would it be dangerous?

It’s the PERFECT time for murderers to come out. >:D Mwah ha ha.

Cute, and I can’t argue with that.

I’ll live.

Haha. What are you going to be doing?


Shopping.

With Erika?

Yes. How do you know?

I heard you and her talking about it earlier.

Stalker.

No!!! I couldn’t help it, you were acting strange.

I was acting strange?

So was Erika, but Erika ALWAYS acts strange.

I’m fine. :D

Great to know. I have to go now.

Bye!

I hug my pillow. To be concerned about such things...he must care...he cares...he really cares...

But still, I can’t be as weak as that now. All I need to know is that I can succeed in this way.

I open the door and the cool air envelopes my skin. Even when I close my eyes gently I can tell that it’s late. Darkness has a certain feel and scent to it. I’ve always found that sensation frightening and unwelcoming...but now...I think I could learn to love the thrill.

Immediately and quickly I start walking, pulling the hair band out of my hair and letting it flow carelessly in the breeze. I laugh quietly, enjoying the sound, flicking the band away. I don’t need to hold back anymore. This is who I want to be now. I’m tired of caring. All it’s ever brought me is pain. I’m mature enough to make my own judgements now. I can do this on my own. As long as I keep away those limiting emotions, I will never meet my downfall from this game.

I could turn back now. I could go back to those days. But what is there to gain from that? I only need the memories of them. I need to keep that mindset, but only as a mask for this new and superior one.

There it is. The supermarket. The neon lights are off and the car park is empty, so it’s obviously closed.

As I knew it would be. It was silly, really, to put a building like this in such a remote location beyond the trees as this. Who am I to complain, though? Look how wonderfully tall it is, so beautiful and elegant, yet so dangerous, especially in the dark...it’s perfection.

A rustling comes from beyond the trees. I spin to face them.

‘Who’s there?’ I shriek. There’s no answer. Paranoia. Another tacky emotion.

I can’t keep glancing behind me. In front of me, there is no-one. Erika isn’t here yet. That gives me the chance to skip a step.


I ascend the stairs at the side of the building with an elegant walk, savouring the taste of the cold air. Reaching the balcony, I grip the rails and stare at the horizon, blending in with the night.

I feel like whispering to the darkness, but it’s about to know anyway.

My hair flickers at my sides. The force of the air rushing against me is strong, especially at this height. Regrets? For this? No. I’ll never regret this. I’ve tried all that I can. I’ve made up my mind. I don’t care. I don’t care.

Erika. I trusted her. Of all people, I thought that I could trust her. But I should have known. There’s such a thing as an inner self...but that self is never beautiful. A jealous, spiteful thief full of the greeds of lust and infatuation. That’s all she is. She can’t know love like this.

Stupid Erika. She knew. She knew that she was better than me. She knew that with a little scrap of paper she might be able to achieve more than I could ever achieve. I can’t let her achieve that. I can’t.

There she is. Erika runs up the stairs wearing a denim miniskirt and a low-cut pink top. There’s no change in my heartbeat. No excitement. No worry. Because I don’t care.

She’s stealing my life. She’s stealing my love. If I don’t stop her, she’ll take everything away...

‘Two questions, Ivy,’ Erika says, looking down from the balcony nervously ‘Firstly- why couldn’t we have done this while it was still light? And secondly- why are you up here when this place is obviously closed?’

‘It’s dark because we need to talk,’ I narrow my eyes ‘And we’re all the way up here because we need to talk.’

‘Okay, then,’ Erika responds ‘Then thirdly- what about?’

‘You should know.’ She looks puzzled.

‘I...what?’ The horrible, horrible laugh is like a stab through the heart. I can’t bear to see her happy.

‘Erika...’ I hiss warningly.

‘Oh, you saw!’ she says hysterically.

‘It’s not funny!’ I snap back furiously ‘Don’t you understand how you’ve betrayed...m-’

I don’t believe this. She’s still...laughing.

‘Shut up’. My fist clenches. ‘Just...shut up!’

A surge of anger pulses through from my heart to the rest of my body, blinding my mind. I don’t know if she’s still laughing. It doesn’t matter. I fling my arms up to each of her shoulders, and the surge pushes her off the balcony.

A shrill scream. A pause. A sickening noise.

I can’t take this in...my mind remains blinded...


What am I meant to feel? Where am I meant to go from here? Do I celebrate? Do I cry? Do I just walk home?

I run down the stairs, not caring if I trip. I need to know if she’s really gone.

Hearing the crunch of the gravel against my feet, I crouch down beside Erika. I reach out. Her heartbeat is gone. Mine is beating faster, like a bizarre compensation.

Her body is nothing like how I remember it to be, but all I can see in this blurred and darkened image is her eyes. I can see it in her eyes. Erika’s dead. Whatever else she was, Erika was always undeniably lively. I can still remember her smile and laugh so clearly...I can still hear those soothing words...but they’re all going to fade...

Oh, God, what’s wrong?

You have so much more potential than me. I can’t let you waste your chance. There’s nothing wrong with the truth. Even if you have to wait right until the end...right until the very end, what have you got to lose?

Ivy! You haven’t called in a while! How are you?

However screwed up everything around us may be, however I act sometimes, we’re still friends. If something’s up, you can tell me. I promise...I’ll help you. Unless you don’t want me to. But I know that you haven’t had, um, very many friends in the past. So I need you to know that I’ll always be here waiting for you, as long as there’s no turning back from life. I’m here right now. Please, Ivy.

Please, Ivy....

...Ivy...

‘E-Erika...’ I gasp.

Let’s go. Why are you looking like that?

I...what?

Oh, you saw!

I clear my throat.

‘Erika,’ I repeat, giggling and turning away ‘See that? You just lost. Forever.’

What have I done?

I’ve won.


Chapter 10- Half a Dream

Crows gather in the dark skies, circling around a white cloud directly above me.

‘What are you doing?’ I yell ‘Why are you following me?’

The cloud begins to turn grey, and sharp beaks descend upon me in the rainstorm.

A voice begins to chant.

‘You must escape...you must escape...you cannot escape...’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I hate dreams. When I finally managed to get to sleep, there the crows were. Why crows?

And, ugh...I feel like there’s something I should remember. All I’ve got right now are vague memories...or are they just dreams...? There’s no difference in the present.

So was it a dream or not that I was out last night? And...oh hell, what did I do?

I sit up. This is important now. Did I, or did I not...k-kill Erika?

‘Ivy!’ my mum’s voice calls up the stairs ‘Breakfast!’ I think quickly and decide to cough.

‘I feel really ill...’ I let my voice turn gravelly and strained, standing up shakily and desperately clawing around my windowsill for a hair band. Wrong one...wrong one...

‘Oh, but you can’t miss school this year!’ comes the half-sympathetic reply ‘Exams are very important, you know. Especially to your father.’ It’s not there...I’ve lost it...

It’s like the future. I can’t get back the old one anymore, however much I want to.

Erika is dead.

‘I can’t...’ I don’t even have to make an effort for the strain now ‘I can’t go...’

‘Take a cough drop, sweetie, it’ll be fine!’

I’ll have to face this eventually, I suppose. Although I could escape from everything now...I might as well give this future a try. I could have been right to act in the way I did. But the police are going to find out...I didn’t make an effort to wear gloves or anything...I pushed her...I can’t face that swamp of accusations...

That swamp of truth.

No. I’m not a coward. I did what I did knowing I could face it. I have nothing to lose by trying this future. If it gets too dangerous...I can leave then. I left my weakness behind, didn’t I?

What I did was right. So then, why do I feel as if I wish last night were a lie? Would I not do the same tonight?


I open the wardrobe and forcefully pull my uniform onto my body.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Here I am. Waiting. Only this time, I’m preparing myself for only one silhouette appearing. And here she is.

It’s really quite off-putting. Medina is meant to smile when she arrives in the morning. But now all she’s doing is looking confused as she walks towards me.

‘Ivy?’ she asks nervously, glancing over her shoulder ‘Have you seen Eri this morning?’ I shake my head honestly.

‘No. I thought you always met up at her house?’

‘She wasn’t there...’ Medina stares into my eyes helplessly ‘Her parents said she’d probably already left. Where could she be?’

‘She could have left without us,’ I suggest, trying to stop Medina from waiting pointlessly.

‘I hope so,’ Medina agrees to walk on.

Medina’s only going to be the first of many to question. The questionings not even the problem. It’s the knowing. The supermarket is popular in the early morning. People are going to see. People are going to talk. People are going to investigate. People are going to look for me...people are going to find me...

But I can’t just run and completely disappear.

No. There’s still a chance. If I keep acting normal...there’ll be no reason to take my fingerprints, or DNA, or anything. Nobody will know. As long as I believe I am safe, I will be safe. I will, I will.

The school has a normal atmosphere today. Only I know that it’s going to end. It’s okay. It doesn’t feel real anymore. Nothing is real apart from my success.

At that moment, I glimpse Kaden walking by and looking at me quickly.

‘Kaden!’ I call, suddenly filled with confidence ‘Hi!’ He gives a nod of acknowledgement, but doesn’t look at me. His arms droop and there are shadows surrounding his eyes.

What’s up with him? It must be insomnia.

‘Excuse me!’ calls a man’s voice ‘Everyone in the main hall! It’s important!’ I shrug and Medina and I follow everyone else in the direction of the hall. As I walk past him I recognise the man as one of the teaching assistants that we had last term, when our Citizenship teacher was on maternity leave. He looks at the two of us, almost pained in his expression.

‘Why is he looking like that?’ Medina tugs on my sleeve ‘Is this...Ivy, it’s not because of...?’

Because of Erika. That would make sense. They’re going to tell us, aren’t they? I clasp my hands together tightly as we take seats. They’re going to tell us that Erika is dead. Murdered.

Everyone around us is talking, but the sounds are all muffled. I’m not part of them.


The sound of heavy breathing suddenly echoes throughout the room and the voices stop. The head teacher, Mr Groundsell, walks to the front of the hall, a microphone in his hand and a serious expression on his face. He coughs and it rings clearly throughout the silence.

‘It is with my deepest regrets,’ he begins, looking around the room ‘that I must inform you one of our students in Year 10, Erika Fauxlur, has d-’

I know. I know. Just say i-

‘-isappeared.’ A collective murmur of shock and confusion ripples across the gathering. I join them.

What? Disappeared?! That can’t be...

She’s dead. Her body is in one of the most popular places in the city, and has been for several hours!

‘There’s a search going out for her,’ continues Mr Groundsell ‘They’ve searched all across the area, but she has to be somewhere. At this point in time, no news could be good news. Don’t worry. They’ll find her eventually.’

What do you mean? She’s dead, isn’t she? I made sure of that! She’s dead and in plain sight! What’s wrong with that search party?

Unless...unless I’m wrong. Unless I never killed her at all...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Do either of you have any idea about what happened to Erika?’ Kumi stops walking to ask Medina and I.

‘No,’ I reply ‘I don’t understand this at all.’ Kumi’s interest and upset is only caring to a level. Everything else is just her being driven mad by not knowing what’s going on for once.

‘She was acting kind of funny yesterday,’ Medina recalls. She was, wasn’t she? Medina’s clever to have figured out that had something to do with her downfall.

‘Ivy?’ Kumi focuses on me ‘Are you okay? You’ve been acting sort of...twitchy and...disconnected.’

‘She’s just upset,’ Medina reaches her arms out to me. She’s...hugging me? It’s strange, but I forgot what that was like. Awkward...but nice.

The bell for the end of break rings.

‘ICT, right?’ I say to Medina.

All through the lesson I keep looking at Kaden. He’s definitely avoiding me.

Haha. What are you going to be doing?

Shopping.

With Erika?

Yes. How do you know?


I heard you and her talking about it earlier.

Stalker.

No!!! I couldn’t help it, you were acting strange.

I was acting strange?

So was Erika, but Erika ALWAYS acts strange.

I’m fine. :D

I can’t think about that. I can’t allow myself to believe that he knows.

I’m afraid of what I will do.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

School is over. If they haven’t found her now, they never will. Yet I still have to go back to that place. I have to know the truth for myself.

‘I have to go!’ I call back to Medina, running out of the school gate. She protests, but I’m already too far away for it to matter.

I don’t care whether this tires me. I don’t care whether it’s tiring right now...I have to get there! I know now that my life is my choice, but everything about the path I take from here depends on what I see!

After it feels like every muscle has been ripped out of my body, I see the building. Everybody is walking around as usual. They wouldn’t be doing that with a dead girl under the balcony. But still, I must move closer to satisfy my unfamiliar heart. It is unfamiliar. I don’t recognise myself. I don’t know if I like this. Whether or not this is the price for the desertion of my limiting emotions, I just have to continue.

I realise that I’m now on the same patch of ground as last night.

She’s definitely not here. I couldn’t have killed Erika after all. There’s not a-

Before I can properly register anything my limbs go out of control and I’m screaming with concerned, frightened people flocking around me.

‘Are you okay, sweetheart?’

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Should I get help?’

I smile at them, pretending to be someone like Celeste or Medina.

‘No, it’s fine,’ I say calmly ‘I thought I saw something...but I didn’t. Please, you don’t need to stop on my account.’ Eventually the shoppers move away, one by one, with nervous smiles.

I breathe in and move my foot.


It’s definitely there. Insignificant, not worth a glance, but definitely there. Not proof enough, yet still proof.

A slight bloodstain.

I rip out a piece of chewing gum from a packet in my bag, chew it furiously and grind it into the ground with my shoe.


Chapter Eleven- Wrath

‘Eri! Eri!’ Medina calls out desperately ‘Where are you, Eri?!’ Kaden shakes his head.

‘She’s not going to find her, is she?’ he sighs. I nod.

‘She really isn’t. So...you’re leaving in two days, aren’t you?’

‘Yeah. Forever. I’ll miss this place.’

It’s a Saturday and it’s been three days since I did my own “search”, but this time Medina insisted on us both looking around for Erika in all the places she could be. Kaden overheard us talking about it and asked if he could join us. Medina was eager to accept his help, a little too eager for my liking, and soon Shadow-Kaden decided he’d like to join us as well.

I know that we won’t find Erika. I have a different motive. This is my last chance...my last chance. So why can’t I bear to treat it any differently to all the “chances” I’ve had before? Even after what I’ve done it doesn’t feel right to express these feelings, even though I know how it will be when I collect my last memory of that face, that voice.

I guess I want him to remember me as someone independent and strong, not a simpering weakling. I guess, despite it all, I’m too afraid to take risks.

There’s so much unspoken.

I’m going to miss you each day you’re not here, whether or not you feel this way. Even when you were here and I never thought it would end, it was painful. It was painful enough to drive me to actions I could have never considered before. So go. Just go. I know this is it and I can’t stand this waiting. It might hurt less if omnipotent time and not my own disgust at my fear is what tears me apart. Long after you leave me for this last time, I know that I’ll still love you, Kaden Accid. But that doesn’t change how this is the end.

I can’t say any of that. Maybe my love wasn’t as strong as I always believed.

‘Eri! Eri!’ cries Medina, having to stop walking ‘I can’t find her...’ Her head droops onto my shoulder and I stroke her hair comfortingly.

‘Maybe we should all go home now,’ I suggest. A few minutes won’t make a difference to these feelings.

‘Are you sure?’ Kaden asks. I look at him for a few seconds and then close my eyes.

‘Yes,’ I reply ‘I’m sure.’ He nods, turning, Shadow-Kaden following.

‘Bye,’ he says ‘I’ll miss both of you.’ Medina tries to mumble something through my sleeve but only ends up wailing more loudly.

‘Bye,’ I call as he walks away ‘I-I’ll miss you too.’ More than you could know, however much I decided to say to you.

I stare as the two boys turn a corner and out of sight.

There. It’s done now. And look at the damage this selfish emotional phase left in its wake.


It was useless. I lost a friend for nothing.

I can’t regret that, so there’s only one thing I can regret. Letting him walk away like that. It can’t end like this. I’m not going to let it end like this. I’ve got tomorrow, haven’t I? I don’t need an excuse. I just need to turn up there and tell him. Although I hate to take advice from traitors, I’ll make an exception this time. What kind of life will it be without him? The life of a failed and undiscovered criminal. Yes. Tomorrow he will know. Anything could happen tomorrow. We could run together, far away from this place, no regrets...

That’s all that would be worth staying for. If it doesn’t happen, that’s fine. I might as well just leave.

‘Ivy, can we stop for a while?’ Medina murmurs. I forgot she was there.

‘If you want.’

‘I just want to sit down,’ she explains ‘I don’t feel well.’ We’ve stopped conveniently by a forest-like area shrouded with trees.

‘Let’s go then.’ I soon find a reasonably dry log amongst the trees for us to sit on.

After a few minutes, Medina looks normal, aside from giggling nervously and looking at her pristine shoes shyly.

‘Is something up?’ I ask curiously, nudging her.

‘Um...’

‘Yes? Come on, you can tell me!’ Medina looks terrified.

‘But...Ivy, you won’t like it...you won’t...’

‘Aw, no, I won’t get mad!’ She seems to be in deep thought and decision.

‘Well...you are a wonderful friend, so I’ll tell you,’ Medina says, shoulders hunched together, not making eye contact ‘but you promise you’ll be fine with it, right?’

‘I told you: right!’

‘Ivy...you like Kaden, don’t you?’ she asks.

‘Um, well, not in a mushy way,’ I lie. Medina smiles slightly.

‘Oh...oh, that’s good, then,’ she says quietly ‘Because...a little bit...just a little...I think I...’

I knew it would come to this. All along, I knew it would have to come to this eventually...

Medina. I tried to spare you because of our friendship. But now I know that I can’t show that type of kind treatment anymore. If I am weak, I will never succeed. I can’t let anyone stand in my way. Not even you.

Tomorrow is my last day. Everything is planned out perfectly for me. I can’t let you take my place.


‘Wait!’ I interrupt her ‘Just a moment, I think I dropped something back there.’ Medina nods, still facing the ground. I walk behind her and grasp at the ground with my hands. Soon, my fingers close successfully on a large and tough log.

I have begun this path. I know it is the right one. I can’t stop walking along it...not now...not ever...

‘Medina,’ I try to keep my voice soft and light, but it ends up sounding dangerously eerie ‘You like Kaden, don’t you?’ I hold the log in my hands, suspending it just above Medina’s bowed head, hanging ominously like a death sentence.

‘Y-y...’

‘Admit it, Medina.’ Quickly. My hands are shaking. I have to seal this fate. I have to make this sacrifice.

She’s...still blushing.

‘Come on and say it!’

I smash the log directly down. Medina screams. That stupid, flimsy, innocent scream. I restrain myself for a moment, holding the slightly bloodied log by my side. Medina is curled up, hands over her head, wailing into her knees.

‘Pitiful,’ I scorn ‘Now. Tell me the truth.’ She shakes, yet still doesn’t retaliate.

‘Ivy...what are you doing?’

I hit her again, hard enough to make her collapse onto her side, whimpering, clutching at her wounds.

‘Stop asking stupid questions. All you need to do is tell me the answer,’ I say simply. She whispers something.

‘Speak up!’ I yell, letting the log fall again onto her again.

‘Yes!’

I laugh, and completely lose track of the world around me. Hurry up and die already!

‘Please...stop it! You said...’ Medina starts choking ‘...please...you said you wouldn’t get mad!’

Medical school? That sounds interesting. Eri! Don’t be mean. I think it’s very kind of Ivy to want to be a doctor!

Eri! Eri! I can’t find her…

Are you okay?

Well...you are a wonderful friend, so I’ll tell you.

I really do appreciate you being my friend, Ivy.

I sneer.


‘I lied.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That’s it. Finally...I’ve eliminated all of my competition with my own hands. I’ve won. I’ve won!

I look down at my hands. Red. It’s not just the colour of blood. It’s the colour of passion.

‘This is all for you,’ I whisper, smiling.

I look at the limp body, nothing more now than a shell.

‘He’s mine now,’ I say ‘Mine only. And there’s nothing you can do about it. No more playing cute. I’m the only one for him now. So, there’. I kick the body.

‘Heh,’ I mock ‘Powerless’.

Now nothing is in my way. My opponents are defeated. Even if nothing more, I’ve won by default. All I need to do is claim my “prize”. I’ll go tomorrow, in the beautiful evening. There’ll be no missing this crime. Soon, everyone will know how strong my love is. But by the time they figure it out, my plan will be through.

I wipe off my hands on my shirt before untying my jacket from my waist and hiding the red marks.

‘Wait up, Kaden,’ I tell the breeze.


Chapter Twelve- The Secret Stealer

‘-it appears that this may be a string of disappearances in the area. The police are warning residents to be cautious in case of a kidnapping ring, and Netherthorpe Secondary is due for a full-scale investigation.’

‘Awful,’ my dad comments ‘Did you know either of those girls, Ivy?’ I nod. Shows how much of an interest he takes in my social life.

‘Well, I don’t think Ivy should go to school on Monday,’ my mum says hurriedly ‘No, no, it’s just too dangerous.’

It doesn’t actually matter. I’m not planning to ever return to Netherthorpe- or even this house- after tonight.

Medina has vanished as well, yet the proof of yesterday’s events remains on my shirt, hidden far under my bed. Both of my friends have disappeared leaving only bloodstains behind.

‘I’ll finish my homework anyway,’ I say to my parents, running up to my room.

I finished all my homework days ago. But there’s something else I need to do.

I open my laptop and type in Kaden’s e-mail address as soon as everything loads. He’d better check his inbox regularly.

It’s Ivy here.

A few seconds later, a message appears on the screen. That was quicker than I hoped. Was he expecting me to e-mail him?

Good :) Did you send that just for the sake of it?

No.

Do you think we could meet up?

Really?

Sorry! Is this a bad time?

No. Have you seen Medina?

Sorry, no.

It’s fine. What were you saying about meeting up?

Are you busy? I mean, do you want to?

Sure, sounds great. Do you want go over here? I’m a little tired.

I kind of wanted to talk in private.

My parents aren’t home tonight. They’re going to some fancy restaurant at eight.

Okay then. See you at eight?


Yes, bye!

That wasn’t how I expected it to go. Kaden...wanted to meet me? I smile.

He loves me. He must do. Soon we'll be able to love each other forever. Nobody will ever get in our way...after all I've done, everything I've overcome in his name, now he has to learn to love me...

I sit there, hugging myself in glee for a while.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Knock. Knock.

I stand up, startled. That was quick. Half an hour early, even. It can’t be him.

‘Ivy! It’s for you!’

I rush down the stairs hopefully. It’s...Kumi?

She stands in the doorway, looking serious.

‘We need to talk about something,’ she says, looking at me coldly.

‘Sure,’ I agree ‘Want to come in?’

‘No,’ Kumi replies bluntly ‘For your sake, we should discuss this outside. I figured you might want a little extra time.’

I don’t like this at all.

‘Okay,’ I chirp ‘I’ll go get my coat!’ I walk into the kitchen and put on my coat, quickly grabbing and placing an object in the pocket.

Kumi and I walk out onto the darkened pavement. It takes a long journey through several deserted streets before Kumi stops.

‘How much do you know?’ I hiss ‘You obviously know something.’ She laughs.

‘Oh, I know it all,’ she tells me sharply.

‘You would. You’ve always been quite perceptive, haven’t you?’

‘That’s right,’ she snarls ‘I’ve spent years seeing right through people. However much you think you’re exempt from everyone else, you’re not. You’re just another person. But you weren’t satisfied with living like the rest of us, were you? You couldn’t play fair, so you went so low as to kill your two best friends.’

‘Fair?’ I laugh ‘I’m playing as fair as anyone else is!’

‘Who are you kidding? You’re not playing fair at all!’


‘Everything is lies, Kumi!’ I wave all around me ‘Every word, every action is just another lie! Nobody acts the way they want to act! Look past the morals, won’t you? Morals are lies too. I’m the only one who sees the truth, and the truth is that everyone is either putting on a selfish pretence or being selfish. Even you. Especially you. Look at you! All you do is try to get all this fear and admiration by ruining other people with your careless and spiteful gossip!’

‘You’re not seeing the truth at all,’ Kumi replies ‘You’re seeing your blind emotions and trying to justify them. I still believe in you, Ivy. I still believe that you’re a good person, even after what you’ve done. You’re just weak.’

‘Weak? So this is weakness, is it?!’ I pull the knife in a flash of metal out of my coat and drive it into her side.

She falls to the ground. Yet she doesn’t scream like the others. Kumi clutches the knife and looks up at me.

‘Weakness,’ she doesn’t give in ‘You were fragile, impressionable and gullible. I don’t know what happened in your past school, but everything about it has disconnected you from the rest of us. That’s why you were so ready to be suspicious and envious. You didn’t understand anything. I don’t think you do now, either. Whatever they were, your emotions were too much for you to handle, so you instead let go of them. Have you seen, Ivy? Have you seen what that’s done to you?’

I could kill her right now. I could do it.

But I don’t.

‘I’ve called the police,’ Kumi coughs.

‘Typical. All you’ve ever done is betray.’

‘Don’t you lecture me about betrayal. The police will be here soon. They’re not rushing because they’re busy and they don’t know I’ve let you know I called them. They don’t think you’ll run. Run if you want, Ivy. I don’t care. I never want to see you again, but I needed to talk to you for this last time.’

‘So you could gloat, like always?’ For some reason, Kumi grins weakly.

‘I never pretended to be perfect,’ she says ‘I never asked anyone else to be perfect, either. So you could kill me right now. It doesn’t matter, because alive or dead, I’ll never be as pathetic and weak as you are.’

‘Kumi,’ I mutter ‘The police are going to turn up in this street, aren’t they?’

‘Yes. They are.’

‘They’ll get you to the hospital. When you recover, I want you to tell everyone that you were stabbed by Ivy Invid.’

‘Do you know what you’re saying?’ Kumi blinks up at me ‘This is your life, not a sales promotion!’

‘Tell them everything else as well. And I think you should know that what you said about love was right. It sucks. All it gets you is unrequited heartbreak.’ She narrows her eyes.


‘Huh. Bittersweet.’

‘What is?’

‘Nothing...please, leave now.’ She throws the dislodged knife back at me and I catch it, replacing it into my coat unsurely.


Chapter Thirteen- For You

There’s another knock. This time, it has to be him, and I’m ready. I’ve changed all my clothes- apart from my black coat, which I’ve tied around my waist. It goes well with the similarly coloured skirt from the night of Erika’s death, as well as the shirt from under my bed.

It’s to show that I don’t have any regrets. It’s to remind me of all I did for this moment, let me know all I can do, how strong my love is...

For now, I’m alone in this house. It’s just going to be us. That’s how it could always be, from now on. No, that’s how it will always be. I run up to the door. I want to see you too, Kaden...soon, I’m going to tell you...

I pull open the door without hesitation. I’ve waited too long for this and it’s impossible for me to wait any longer. Kaden is there, looking anxious.

‘Hey, come in.’ I step out of the way. He keeps looking at the floor. Is he feeling shy around me? Adorable.

‘Thanks.’

I go back to the sofa I was resting on earlier.

‘Sit down, if you want. What was it that you wanted to tell me?’ I ask eagerly.

‘I never said I wanted to tell you anything,’ Kaden looks dumbfounded and a little worried ‘I don’t know. Did I?’

‘Sorry, I guess not,’ I laugh. Don’t worry. If you don’t say it, I will. He’s still staring at the ground. Look up! Look at me!

He doesn’t. He only sits there.

Honestly. I’ll have to start this, won’t I? But it’s okay, I forgive you.

‘Well, I’ve got something to tell you,’ I draw closer to him, my voice dropping to a whisper. Finally, he looks up...and yells in terror.

‘What?’ I ask, annoyed. Don’t you know how important this moment is for the two of us?

He points at my clothes.

‘Ivy...why is there blood on your shirt?’ I pull at the stained fabric.

‘Oh, this?’ I smile ‘I thought you’d like it.’

‘You...I...huh?’

Clueless? No matter, I find that pretty cute on you.

‘That makes two of my friends that have been murdered now, doesn’t it?’ I twine a lock of hair around my finger, relishing the words.


‘I...that’s awful. I’m sorry.’ He reaches out to me with his arms awkwardly. As much as I’d love to embrace him, the feel of the words is even more alluring, irresistibly delicious rolling on my tongue.

‘Don’t be. I killed them.’ Kaden recoils.

‘You said...’

‘I killed them. Both of them.’ He starts shivering to the point of seizing up. Such is the strength of my crimes. Such is the strength of my love. His face begins to twitch, like he’s writhing in pain, a single tear breaking through.

Yet this doesn’t seem right. It’s almost like...he isn’t shocked enough. When I confessed, it was almost like I was only confirming his suspicions. And when I told him my friends had been murdered...how did he know they were dead, let alone killed?

‘Is there something you’re not telling me?’ I ask. I palm my hand out against his face, stroking his cheek softly. He shudders.

‘No? Then do you want to know why I did it?’ I lean closer, so our noses are almost touching. I can’t tell whether he’s trying not to draw back or not to move closer forward.

‘Why...?’ I move sideways so our cheeks brush against each other.

‘That day in the forest, remember? Erika tried to steal you from me. It was only a matter of time before Medina did the same.’

‘Medina is- I mean, was- in love with me?’

‘Like that matters. She’s dead, isn’t she? I did this all...all because...I love you,’ I whisper in his ear, knowing he can feel the warmth of my breath.

I close my eyes, savouring the moment. This is it. Yes, this is the moment, the moment that I dreamt of for so long, the moment that I fought for so hard.

‘We can run, now. We can be together forever. All you have to do is take me into your arms and let me stay there eternally.’

Then, all too suddenly, the warmth against me is gone. I open my eyes. Kaden stands up hurriedly, backing away towards the door.

‘Kaden?’ I breathe ‘What? You don’t love me?’ He falls in fear, but is supported by the door.

‘N-No.’

‘What? You...that’s impossible!’

‘You kill Erika...you even kill Medina...and you expect me to love you, with the blood of your friend, who even became my friend, still on your clothes?’ I walk towards him, catching his hand as he tries to reach to the door behind him.

‘But I did it all for you,’ I croon ‘Don’t leave me...I love you, Kaden. These stains of blood are marks of passion...for you...you can’t walk away from me...after I’ve done so much to be close to you...’ He sharply tugs his hand away from me.


‘Get away from me!’ he shouts, turning his head away ‘You’re crazy!’

‘No, I’m not!’ I protest ‘Look at me, Kaden!’

‘I can’t! I don’t know where you are anymore! This isn’t the Ivy I loved!’ I shudder in realization. The real me has finally awakened somewhere inside. Those words have stabbed deep into my heart. The cold ice surrounding it is melting...my emotions that I worked so hard to shut out are coming back...engulfing me again.

Erika. My friend that helped me through all my weakness up until she succumbed to her own...and Medina, who did nothing to hurt me.

Ivy...how could you?

As long as I keep away those limiting emotions, I will never meet my downfall from this game.

I know now that it’s over.

‘You...loved me?’

‘Yes!’ he chokes, and regret begins to tear my heart, not just in two, but into so many shards that can never be pieced back together ‘I should have said...that was what I did wrong...if I had just bothered to give myself the motivation to tell you...this would never have happened. I loved you- until you did this! Ivy, why did you have to do such a thing? Did you have so little faith in me? In yourself? Did you think that you had to get rid of every other girl for me to take notice of you?’

‘Yes,’ I sob, knowing it would be useless not to cry ‘But I know I’ve done wrong now, please...let us be together now...p-please...’

I’m aware of how ridiculous it is. However, maybe, maybe I can grasp at this one final string of hope and try to pull back some of the remnants of my shattered dream.

‘I’m sorry,’ Kaden’s gaze turns cold ‘I can’t do that.’

Then the selfish, passionate fire starts again in my heart and in the smoke I see images. If he leaves this place, everyone knows. I’ll just be some crazy girl, locked away. Kaden can live happily without me. He moves away. He finds some other girl. He forgets I ever existed. I’m nothing more than some distant, frightening nightmare of a memory that deserves to be forgotten.

I can’t let that happen. I can’t let him get away! If he can’t be mine...I can’t give him away!

I reach into the coat around my waist and pull out the knife. I pounce and hold it against the trembling body of the one I loved...still love...too much.

I think of Kumi.

You didn’t understand anything. I don’t think you do now, either. Whatever they were, your emotions were too much for you to handle, so you instead let go of them. Have you seen, Ivy? Have you seen what that’s done to you?

You’re seeing your blind emotions and trying to justify them. I still believe in you, Ivy. I still believe that you’re a good person, even after what you’ve done. You’re just weak.


I never pretended to be perfect. I never asked anyone else to be perfect, either. So you could kill me right now. It doesn’t matter, because alive or dead, I’ll never be as pathetic and weak as you are.

I look up into that face.

‘Ivy...please, don’t...’

He won’t fight me. He does love me.


True love isn’t about hatred. True love is about putting someone else before yourself. But what I feel inside is hatred. I need to acknowledge that the hatred is wrong. I need to let the true love overpower that.

Turn and look around us, where is all the darkness? What you wanted was shining above you all along.

True love, like in those happy times, like when I walked in the rain and thought of a sweet love song. And what about those other types of love? What about those sad times when Erika was there to cheer me up? What about those sweet times when Medina told me how much I meant to her?

The punishment for my actions was to take all of that love away. Nobody cares about me anymore. I had two friends that did, and I killed them.

I’m past saving. I am too weak, just like Kumi said. I can’t trust myself. Why did I begin this to start with? Because of this person in front of me. I have to save them at all costs. I have to know for sure I will never hurt them, or anyone else, again.

I can’t overpower the hatred forever. For you, I will do anything. I would die for you.

I would die for you.

‘Run.’

‘W-What?’ Kaden stammers. I step away.

‘Just do it!’ I yell ‘Run! Before it’s too late!’ He doesn’t question me any longer, opens the door, and runs. The door slams.

I hold on tightly to the knife, hands shaking with both fear and anger.

‘Goodbye,’ I whisper weakly.

I don’t recognise this person. This isn’t me anymore. Who are you? If he is driven insane by your crimes of past and present, then that makes you equals. He will grow to envy your future. A bleak and cold future of nothingness. Envy is a sin.

You know that, right? Do you know what happens at the end of a sin, when you remain unable to wake?

You’re going to die.


Everything I’ve done for you. I’ve done everything for you. I can’t blame anyone else. Yes. That’s right. It’s your entire fault, isn’t it?

The path has begun. I cannot backtrack on this path of crime. The knife must fall, however nightmarishly blurred it and the world has become, like a magnet driving me down further into hell.

Love isn’t forever, however eternal it seems at the time, and knowing that now hurts me more than the knife ever could. It doesn’t matter. I want to remember...I want to remember these feelings. This was my one chance at love, after all. Now...now I know this is all just a fleeting echo of a tragic love story. I want to know these memories and feelings right up until the end. I want them to be the last thing I know.

It was my one chance at love...but at least I still have the memory of that smile, although I’ll never be able to walk down that path again and hope the rain embraces me, humming that same song...the vision has become nothing more than a beautiful imitation...

Imitations, imaginations are so much more desirable than reality. Even though this new world I’ve created is a nightmare, I still have my dreams. That’s why I have to remember the cool of the air, the smoothness of the tables, the reassuring click of the pencils, like heartbeats telling me he’s somewhere out there.

So I’ll have that dream as long as I wish to dream it. I’ll have that dream where I recall everything about our last moment together, and then us two...us two, instead of living whatever unfolding nightmare, run off into the world together. What happens after that? Anything could happen. A new world, forbidden to me by reality will exist. Even when I no longer see that face, hear that steady sound of breathing, in my mind, in my heart...we will disobey the rules of reality.


Twisted realityLove is a painful mysteryMy heart is so insincere

The worlds painted in blackLove is just what my heart lacks.My whole life's covered in darkness

I've always wanted to tell you I love you.There is just one thing that I would like to sayThese impulses that run throughout my bodySooner then you'll just end up broken

To love and be loved To the point where I'm losing my mindThis sweet burning kiss that we share is an imitation

Losing my sensesMy consciousness is fading awayThese overflowing emotionsAre making mePaint over the world in black.

The hidden beauty of the moonUnder the darkness it loomsAs if it's trying to hide away from me.

To the point of no returnI wish the both of us would justDisappear into nothingness

Someday soon I hope I can be by your sideWith that promise I'll let go of my handIf this is a love that I can't abide byThen again you'll just end up broken.

Tightly and stronglyEmbrace me and never let goThe warmth of our bodies is really an imitation

If there was no sunThe love we share would never be doneYou'll vanish be hidden from my viewPlease teach me the answer

The common sense and morals In this world will get destroyedPunishments are befitting to only me.

Those words that you said to me lastWhat was it that you said?


There isn't a day I'm not thinking of youThe feeling of being held inside of your armsSo before I melt away into nothingAll that's left is to give it my best

Take me and hold meGet lost in this fantasyAll the things that I've told you In the past is an Imitation

The feel of your cold skinReminds me ofWhat could have been

My memories are fading and slowly they'll Get lost into the darkForever in silence

To love and be loved To the point where I'm losing my mindThis sweet burning kiss That we share is an imitation

Losing my sensesMy consciousness is fading away

These overflowing emotionsAre making mePaint over the world in black

- Imitation Black


Part Two- AnswersSo can I tell you now?Promise you won’t tell anyone elseWhat I say will stay between the two of usLet’s pinky promise and if you lieYou’ll eat a thousand needles

There’s a story that’s yet to be toldFolded up and wriggling just waiting to be knownSo let it unfold and read it with meFrom the past to the futureA superscription of data

It’s said that after deathThe pure of heart will live once againReincarnated, forever embeddedThis tinted crystal showsUs the seven true colours

The dazzling story rebornAllows us to see that strange world’s mysteriesCut apart with a prismatic swordA lost shard yet much more thanA superscription of data

As long as you search for this truthWishing for it to be, then it will always beBut if you choose to see nothing moreYou will never go beyondA superscription of data

The dazzling story rebornAllows us to see that strange world’s mysteriesCut apart with a prismatic swordA lost shard yet much more thanA superscription of data

-Superscription of Data


Chapter Fourteen- New Beginning

She turns the corner, out of the street, and she’s gone. I gasp with relief, tears finally falling as I clutch the wound on my torso.

Damn...that hurt. But I know that the only way to get through to these people is to stand up to them.

I glance back at the corner. She’s definitely gone. I don’t care whether she lives or dies, I just never want to see her again. Wow. I’m alive.

Just. I try to grab onto a bin and pull myself up, but the pain makes my arm retract and clutch back at the cut again.

The police had better arrive soon. Until then, all I can do is try and make sense of what just happened. While hoping I don’t lose too much blood.

Ivy always seemed calm and collected. Even after Erika went missing- I mean, was killed- she was still quite normal. I could only figure out what was going on from little things, like the way her eyes moved around, her tone of voice speaking to different people and how she reacted to different topics.

I already knew most of it. I’ve pretty much got a full training in seeing how people think of each other, which makes it easier to see who’s likely to spill secrets about who. It didn’t take much to see Ivy’s feelings for Kaden and vice versa. Jealousy was a given after that.

But that didn’t prepare me for her actions. That’s why I have to assume that she was extremely emotionally fragile, however she became like that. It would probably have been a combination of very small factors.

I don’t know whether I was right or not to tell her how weak I thought she was, but I couldn’t stop myself. I’d have rather died than shut up and support what she did.

And yet somehow...I’m alive. Despite everything...I’m alive. Medina...Erika...I’m the only one who survived.

Sirens screech in the distance, growing louder. Soon I hear voices.

‘Why is this girl in the streets anyway?’

‘Don’t ask me how these people’s minds work. They’re crazy, the lot of them.’

Whatever she’s doing now, “this girl” left several minutes ago, although I guess that depends on if she was completely there to start with. As a last gesture of respect, I’d like to think that she wasn’t.

The sound of tough footwear hitting concrete announces the arrival of a fair-sized group of policemen, as well as one blonde woman on the right.

‘Wait!’ I call to them hoarsely ‘I’m not Ivy Invid!’ The tall man near the centre of the other side of the street walks towards me, looking carefully at my face, followed by the rest.

‘Girl’s telling the truth,’ he comments to the others ‘That’s definitely not the face we’re looking for.’

‘Hang on!’ the woman snaps at him while kneeling by me ‘Is that all you’ve realized? She’s been stabbed!’ She looks back and everyone else stares.

‘Well, what are you waiting for?’ she growls ‘Fetch an ambulance!’ One of the men takes a phone-like object and starts talking into it rapidly. The tall man crouches next to the woman with a notepad.


‘While we wait for that, I’m just going to ask you a few questions, okay?’ I nod weakly.

‘Alright. Who was it that stabbed you?’

‘Ivy In-‘

‘I thought so. What’s your n-‘ New footsteps rush past the corner.

‘That must be the paramedics now,’ says the woman. As they walk into the light of the dim streetlamp, it’s apparent that they aren’t. An unorganised crowd of men and women with cameras and more notepads rush towards me. A few lights flash.

Of course. Journalists, just as strangely alert and blunt as usual. How they managed to turn up before the ambulance is unsettling. I guess someone in the police force tipped them off for some money.

Several voices shout out at me, and all I can do is blink hopelessly.

‘Hey! You, there! Can you tell us the name of your assailant?’

‘It was Ms Invid, wasn’t it?’

‘Exactly why are you here?’

‘What was your relationship with Ms Invid?’

‘No, no, don’t bother answering them! There’s money to be made here for you! Five hundred for a newspaper deal on your experience?’

‘You have to be joking! This is well into the thousands!’

‘Ten thousand for an exclusive deal, that’s our offer.’

‘Move away, all of you!’ bellows the tall man ‘How much do you think you’re going to get out of a traumatised young girl? Plus, you’re going to be in the way when the ambulance gets here!’

Most of them step away begrudgingly, but one voice whispers ‘I’ll catch up with you later.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning I lie awake in hospital, the same voice by me again.

‘I really appreciate the information you’ve given me, Ms Minazuki,’ the reporter snaps shut his notebook ‘Those are some impressive insights you’ve got there. They’ll help greatly for forming our conclusion.’

‘Ivy...’ I begin ‘What happened to her, in the end?’ He shakes his head.

‘Died, I’m afraid.’ I shiver and my throat clenches.

‘Oh, God...’

‘I’m very sorry,’ the reporter says, not sounding completely genuine ‘Suicide, I’m afraid. The girl took a knife and cut right through the skin on her arm. Must have gone crazy with guilt. By the time the police found her that night she was long gone physically as well as mentally.’

‘I don’t think she went crazy at all,’ I reply, stretching the fabric of the white sheets in anger ‘I think she finally got back her sanity.’ The reporter tilts his head curiously.


‘That’s an interesting thought,’ he comments ‘You really do have a good understanding of how people’s minds work. Maybe you should consider a career in criminal psychology.’

‘I’ve seen enough of that to last me, thanks.’ I involuntarily sniff.

‘You see, what I don’t understand is why you’re so upset about Ms Invid’s death,’ he admits ‘She did stab you, after all.’

‘You wouldn’t. I’m not sure if I do completely either. I haven’t quite figured out the details about people’s feelings towards each other. I can see the signs that point toward each feeling, but it’s shallow knowledge, all too simple. Maybe I might even be over-thinking everything. All love and friendship are...they’re both just survival tools, aren’t they?’

‘Do you mean strength in numbers?’

‘Exactly. Everyone lives in this perfect moral universe, but it’s not like that, is it? What Ivy did wasn’t that strange at all when you look from outside that universe. I don’t support her actions at all, but there is no real right or wrong in this world. Our decisions are all only survival. It’s basic evolution, right? Those that are focused on survival will be the ones that remain. Any disgust we might feel at people like Ivy is survival as well. Really, we might not be any better than her. I don’t even know whether it would have been possible for her to control her actions. Emotions are powerful things. Again, they’re for survival.’

‘You know what would be another good job for you?’ the reporter asks.

‘What?’

‘You’d make a great journalist,’ he says.

Huh? Me? Wait...now that I think about it, that might be perfect for me. In fact...isn’t it practically a professional version of what I’ve been doing for the last few years?

‘Eh...’


Chapter Fifteen- Last Chance

‘Ugh! Good morning, dull, dull universe!’

I kick the sheets to the wall by my bed and stand up. I spend a few minutes holding different semi-formal items of clothing against each other, looking for a good colour combination.

‘Pink and blue...no...green and yellow...no...purple and green- why the heck did I buy purple trousers? White. White goes with everything, doesn’t it? Ew. I was wrong.’

Eventually, I give up and choose the safe combination of a pink shirt and black trousers, tying my hair, darker and glossier than before, into a ponytail.

I’m quite proud of the selection of clothes I have now. I make a surprisingly good income, especially for a journalist, so I’m planning to move out of this flat soon.

When I walk into the kitchen a newspaper still lies on the table.

‘”NF Security Blackmail Operation Exposed,”’ I read smugly ‘Yep. You bet it is.’

I flick on the switch of the radio and swing my hips smoothly in a twirl as I prepare breakfast.

I’ve moved on quite a lot since twelve years ago. Although I’m above petty rumours, into the world of scams and shady dealings, this is still all a simple game of perception to me. As a result, I’ve been able to single-handedly bring down a large corporation with nothing but my observations and my words. I like the way this makes me feel.

It’s not like I’m not doing anything bad, really. No, this is much better than the simple trading of teenage gossip. I bring publicity to those who desire it, comfort to those who long for it, warnings to those in danger, the truth to those who want and deserve to hear it- as well as those who don’t want to hear it, but deserve it all the same. The only negative thing about it is when outsiders don’t see it that way.

After I finish my breakfast and brush my teeth, I hum as I sling my handbag onto my shoulder, stepping out of the doorway confidently.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘Hey, Tori.’ One of the photographers, Tori Jonelle, doesn’t look away from the computer.

‘Minazuki,’ she acknowledges. We’ve worked together several times before, as we both contribute to the crime section of the Kip Banner- not my first choice of topic, but because of the well-known drama from my teenage years, I was offered extra. Also, my original idea of celebrity gossip began to seem tacky. Although we get on fairly well, we aren’t that close since she devotes all her attention to her work, and not friendships. Also, being in her thirties, she probably considers me too much of an amateur to be taken seriously. Oh, and I consider her too much of a robot to be taken anything but seriously.

‘Whatcha doing?’ I ask, peering at the screen. She readjusts her red glasses.

‘Picking out the obviously bad shots,’ clicking regularly and sharply, Tori looks disgusted with many appearing photos that I think are beautiful, shrugging and skipping past only a few. ‘You’ve had a great week, haven’t you?’

‘Yep,’ I reply.


‘Good for you,’ she says ‘NF had it coming to them, if you ask me. I didn’t pick up everything, though. What exactly was going on over there?’ It’s rare for Tori to take an interest in anything I report on, or any stories at all. She prefers to interpret though evidence and pictures, seeing knowledge as a precise art.

‘I’ll tell you quickly, because the full story is plain boring. If you really want to know, big security companies like that can get a lot of information,’ I summarise ‘It’s because of the area they work in. If there are any particular threats their clients are concerned about, they’re going to have to know. In a few cases I found, it was information itself that needed protecting.’

‘And I’m guessing NF weren’t being all nice and secretive with this information?’

‘Exactly,’ I confirm ‘Anything good they found would be threatened to be released to the public unless certain demands were met.’

‘Money,’ Tori interrupts ‘I know how this world works. Then how were you the one that found out, hm?’

‘Sheer genius,’ I joke ‘No, I didn’t do as much as it looks like I’m getting credit for. Old Kip had a few suspicions about the recent success of NF, so he sent me to do some investigating. The company itself completely rejected my questions and I, which didn’t actually tip in their favour, because this was when I as a person knew something was up. I expected that NF wouldn’t want to tell me anything. They never do. You should always expect to have to turn to anyone else, not completely in league, who could have an insight.’ I look at her expectantly, giving her a chance.

‘Ex-employees?’ suggests Tori. Tch. You can always recognise an artist.

‘I did consider that.’ I continue ‘But then I figured there might be some suspicions of revenge with anything they told me. That’s why I went for one of the clients.’

‘That has to breach the agreement somewhere,’ she narrows her eyes.

‘It does,’ I say ‘I made everything anonymous, so the safest option became to help me bring down NF. I know that anonymity might make some people doubt the claims, but most are willing to believe it. It’s got my name a little bit known, too.’

‘A little?’ snorts Tori ‘Girl, you’ve got more attention than I ever will. People are all over you- the talented reporting girl who managed to save herself from a raging killer, now bringing down big evil corporations. They’re all over your psychological prowess.’

‘Yeah.’

I don’t know whether I should appreciate the attention or not. Although it’s always been my aspiration to be looked upon this way, I can’t gain from that event. Even media workers have standards, you know, and I can’t build my life on other people’s deaths.

‘That reminds me,’ she clicks her fingers ‘Old Kip wants to talk to you.’

Ryker Kip is the namesake and head of the Kip Banner. He’s not actually that old, around Tori’s age maybe, but his pretentious demeanour is enough to warrant him the nickname.

‘What about?’ I ask.

‘To congratulate you, I expect,’ Tori focuses on the screen again, sighing ‘Goodbye now.’

‘Huh? He wants to see me now?’


‘Yes, and I don’t.’ Charming.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I drum my fingers on the wall I’m leaning against, watching the wooden door opposite. I can hear voices behind it discussing a financial crisis in Eastern Europe that. When listening, it’s also important to recognise things that nobody actually cares about. Apart from maybe Eastern Europe.

A few minutes later a man with short black hair walks out of the office angrily, leaving the door slightly open. Exactly how someone can get so emotional about the media portrayal of a financial crisis is a mystery I’ll never solve.

Mr Kip pushes the door open fully and looks straight at me. He frowns and his lips go thin ominously.

Uh...I swear that I didn’t do anything.

‘You wanted to see me, Mr Kip?’ I ask unsurely.

‘Yes. Yes, come on in.’ I follow him into the immaculate office, furnished with smooth, polished wooden tables. Wow. I guess only real men have their offices plastered in pink.

‘Have you seen this room before?’ he asks, seeing me staring. I shake my head.

‘No,’ I reply ‘It’s very...um, pink.’

‘It’s magenta,’ Mr Kip informs me, somewhat defensively. Well, sorry. ‘Tea? Or coffee?’ I decline the offer, knowing there’s a chance that I might burn myself/spill it/sneeze while drinking. Which would, by the way, not be cool.

‘What did you want to talk to me about?’ I ask. Mr Kip gestures for me to sit down in a seat opposite to the one he takes.

‘Try not to be worried,’ he says quickly. Why would I have to be worried? Real clever thing to say. There’s an off-putting silence.

‘Try not to be worried about what?’ I delicately prompt.

‘We’re going to have to let you go, Miss Minazuki.’

‘Why?’ I question, a little too openly outraged, not that it matters now. I’ve just been responsible for the best original discovery at his newspaper for years, so now I get fired? I’m really starting to consider his mindset now.

‘You see, these things work two ways,’ he explains ‘Farrer and his team never were the most...forgiving of people.’

‘This is the head of NF, isn’t it?’

‘Indeed,’ continues Mr Kip ‘As you may have guessed, he wasn’t too pleased with your findings. That’s why we’re going to have to let you go.’ It’s good that I didn’t take that tea, or I’d be spitting it everywhere in disbelief around about...now.

‘You were intending for him to be pleased?’ I ask incredulously ‘I was under the impression that this was meant to be an accusation, and those...rarely go down well. Isn’t a little anger part of the territory?’


‘It’s what we expect,’ he agrees ‘I have absolutely no problem with it, and honestly, not much sympathy at all for Farrer’s group. However, they’re making themselves a threat to the Banner. They’re going to keep on fighting, trying to make themselves the wronged party. Naturally, if they want to cast doubt on the claims against them...’ He looks at me expectantly.

‘They’re going to try and make us look bad,’ I realize.

‘That’s exactly it. Everyone knows who’s responsible: Kumi Minazuki, the ultimate journalist. Whatever’s happened, NF still have leverage and connections, so they’re going to spin up anything they can against you for your discredit. They’ll start targeting the rest of us as well. We can’t risk that. I’m sorry.’

That’s it, then. I should have savoured the early morning for a little longer.

‘There goes my dream,’ I mutter, looking down.

‘That’s not true,’ Mr Kip quickly assures me ‘Mine isn’t the only newspaper around here.’

‘And you’re not the only one thinking this way either,’ I sigh ‘Any decent newspaper will see accepting me as putting their business in jeopardy. It’s everything I’ve wanted since that night I thought I lost everything. Boom. Gone.’

‘I’m sorry,’ he repeats.

‘There’s definitely nothing I can do to stay?’ I suggest hopefully.

‘No. Nothing.’

‘There’s not a story every other journalist has refused to report on, or something?’ I think ‘Because I can do that. I can totally do that. You don’t even have to say I still work here. I can work undercover. I’ll go under a pseudonym or something. Nobody will know! Please, Mr Kip. If there’s anything like that, I can do it!’ He blinks, and then shakes his head again.

‘No,’ he says, more to himself ‘That’s hopeless. And potentially dangerous. No, nobody even knows what’s going on there. I can’t send any of my journalists to report on that.’ I look up eagerly.

‘Sounds juicy,’ I comment cheerfully.

‘I’m not sending you to Project G.U.L.A, Miss Minazuki,’ Mr Kip groans at me.

‘Project G.U.L.A, eh?’ I persevere ‘I can totally do that.’ He frowns.

‘You don’t know what Project G.U.L.A is. That’s the point. Nobody knows.’

‘Nobody knows anything about it? Do we at least know what the letters stand for?’

‘The General Undercover Laboratory Association,’ he answers ‘They’re a shady organisation that works on some even shadier experiments. That’s it. All we know. Only the people inside really know what they do, although people have suspected...suspected a lot of things. It’s very sinister.’

‘I could join up,’ I shrug ‘Yes. I could go undercover. I’ve...kind of...always wanted to do that.’

‘Miss Minazuki,’ snaps Mr Kip sternly ‘You don’t know what you’re suggesting here. We don’t know what Project G.U.L.A does. We all but have evidence that their experiments are deadly. They could even be a futuristic group of assassins.’


‘Then someone needs to stop them, don’t they?’ I argue.

‘I don’t know...it’s dangerous.’

‘Don’t you remember who I am, Mr Kip?’

‘This has nothing to do with your past.’

‘It has everything to do with my past.’

I move my hand to my shirt and gently pull it so part of my waist is exposed, showing a fading but significant scar.

‘If anybody’s going to survive it, it’s me.’


Chapter Sixteen- Eternal Song

An insignificant, medium-sized grey concrete building stands on the outskirts of the town. There isn’t a big sign, only a small plaque next to the door, more a label than a sign. G.U.L.A. It’s smaller than I thought it would be, and this is the only building owned by the organisation. Is this a joke? Project G.U.L.A seems about as intimidating as a kitten shelter.

I suppose you can’t complete judge by appearance. I flick my newly red- which is not fooling anybody, by the way- hair out of my face. Hmph. I hate having my hair down. It’s so inconvenient. At least it would be somewhat glamorous if I was able to keep it long, but it’s been cut as well.

I don’t like these clothes either. The fabric is too dry and common, the cuts too short...and I don’t even know what happened to the idea of colour.

However, as Kumi Minazuki, I’m known for my long black ponytail and my smooth, elegant clothes. Sora Carson, who I refuse out of dignity to identify as myself, apparently feels the need to shop and style at Tenningway Designs. Seriously. Tenningway Designs. These are the sacrifices I make for my career. As well as allowing myself to be called Sora Carson.

I look different, at least- and not as bad as I could look. But as soon as this is over, I’m growing out my hair, dying it black again and possibly fixing my hair tie on with superglue.

Right. That’s enough self-pity for now. I should go and open that door. Or should I knock? Exactly how secretive is this place?

I’m still wondering when the door opens by itself and a brunette with the sort of clothes that I would usually wear, a silky red blouse and black trousers, stands there, looking me up and down contemptuously.

Hey! This isn’t how I want to look, okay?

‘Well?’ she asks, too lazily to convey any real anger.

‘Sora Carson,’ I extend my hand professionally, but she looks at it in tired disgust.

‘I’ll pass.’

No wonder Project G.U.L.A’s so dangerous. I want to push this woman under a truck already.

‘I sent a letter,’ I explain, digging my fingernails into my leg ‘I’m applying for a job here.’

‘Job? As the new...receptionist?’

‘Yeah. That’s the one.’ I feel a flash of resentment and anger behind my eyes, and don’t bother to hide it. We both know that we’re just playing along now, trying to act friendly when really we despise each other. I don’t know what she’s got against me, though.

‘Then come in and I’ll teach you the basics,’ she sighs.

‘Eh? You don’t need to interview me?’

‘No. Who’d want to be a mollusc?’ she really says “receptionist”, but “mollusc” matches the tone better ‘I’m Kalumnia Caussa.’

Wow. And I thought my new name was bad.


Wait...Caussa?

‘You’re the manager?’ Kalumnia- who I will not inwardly address as Ms Caussa since I’m done making special efforts to respect her- laughs a little.

‘Yes I am.’ She looks at me triumphantly as I walk in.

I am so doomed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The building is just as small as it looks. The only rooms are the reception, a few offices, a dining room and a couple of conference halls. To be fair, those are some fancy conference halls. I’ve gathered that all research and experiments take place outside this building, this only serving as a centre of organisation. Here they decide on the projects to take on and negotiate funding and resources for their current projects. From the few conversations I’ve managed to overhear from outside the halls, whatever these projects are, I have a feeling that a lot of chances are taken and they don’t work out very often. But when they do, there must be lots of money involved, because the funding cheques I’ve seen make my life’s work look pathetic. Really pathetic.

I don’t know how many people work here since none of them seem interested in socialising, or even leaving their designated rooms. If I try to make conversation with anyone, they answer monosyllabically and glare at me suspiciously. It’s very off-putting, especially since their suspicion isn’t completely misplaced.

The people whose visits I record and whose messages I pass on aren’t talkative either.

‘Hi!’ a voice calls warmly. I look up from some records from the drawer that I shouldn’t be going through (and are useless anyway) and see a smiling woman, probably in her very late teens or early twenties, waving at me. Huh. Looks like I was wrong about the talkative thing. Her hair is a natural red, unlike mine, and her face looks familiar, not that I can remember where I’ve seen it. Maybe it’s just her eyes. Those aren’t very common eyes.

‘Can I help you?’ I ask.

‘Yes. Not me, but the airline I’m representing,’ she says ‘By the way, I don’t have a clue what’s going on with this place.’

‘Me neither, and I work here now,’ I groan disappointedly.

‘All I know is that we’ve agreed to fly over some equipment to Germany,’ she shrugs ‘I don’t even know why.’

‘Then you’ve got to talk to...’ I scan through a list on the desk ‘Merle Durkin, head of transportation. He’s just around the right corner.’

‘Thanks,’ the red-haired woman says ‘I’m Sienna, if you need to know. Air hostess earning a little extra pay through errands.’

‘I’m K...called Sora. Receptionist earning really bad pay through sitting around obliviously.’

‘You know nothing about G.U.L.A?’

‘No. Apart from that the manager hates me for no reason and everyone else is over-secretive.’ Sienna smiles politely and flicks her fiery hair over her shoulder before turning away. Listening closely to her footsteps, I hear her voice again and shiver.


‘It’s for the best, Sora,’ Sienna whispers softly to herself, walking away ‘It’s not pretty.’

I expect then for the moment to be over, but it isn’t.

‘She’s right, you know,’ a cackling and melodic voice sounds behind me. Sienna turns back, looking at someone standing by my chair. I look as well.

It’s another woman with a sharp and mysterious appearance, her clothes as dark as her hair. She reminds me of-

Oh, God, no. It can’t be. Tell me it isn’t...

‘Nice to see you again, Kumi,’ the woman says, almost sarcastically, but not spitefully at all.

No. This is the last person I wanted to have to see again...

‘Kumi?’ Sienna asks ‘I thought your name was Sora?’

‘It is,’ I lie, and Sienna winks. I’m awful at this.

‘And you are?’ she raises her eyebrow at Eternity, probably suspicious of anyone in Project G.U.L.A.

‘Eternity Sueria,’ I mutter for her, looking down awkwardly ‘Oh, Eternity. I’m so sorry.’ I can’t see her face because I can’t bear to look up after everything I’ve said in the past, so all I can do is wait for a scathing reply. Eternity never was forgiving, or even reasonable.

‘It’s fine,’ she laughs ‘You were one of many, and I learned to let go of my grudges against the lot quite a while ago.’

‘Even Celeste?’ I ask, forgetting to keep looking down in my amazement and wondering enviously when exactly she had a beauty transformation. And what happened to her voice? I want it.

‘Celeste is the one that made me realize.’

‘Y-You’re friends now?’

‘No! Not friends...sadly, we’ve been through too much to ever be friends.’ Come on, Eternity. It wasn’t that much. And what it was happened to be your fault anyway. She seems to be able to see what I’m thinking and clenches her teeth. ‘Cat died.’

Cat? What cat? Ah...not...Catarrhina Dalponte? The sweet, if not slightly oblivious, girl from the year below us?

Before I can tell her how terrible that is, Sienna gasps.

‘Wait...wait, I do know who you are!’ she points at Eternity, who looks genuinely surprised.

‘I don’t see how you could,’ she responds, confused. Sienna makes a strange squeaking noise and walks quickly away.

‘Don’t kid yourself that you’re here for the money, either,’ Eternity calls after her.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If you had told my fifteen-year-old self that this was where I would be in twelve years, she would have been curled up on the floor laughing hysterically. Or maybe screaming.


Yet by some strange turn of fate, here I am, spending my evening eating in a restaurant with Eternity Sueria.

‘How did you know it was me?’ I ask ‘Even after all these years and the style change from hell?’

‘I was very interested in that whole security case you had recently,’ she says ‘I like hearing about people bringing down big criminal corporations.’ That seemed like a perfectly normal statement...but there it is. A certain tone that suggests something more.

‘That makes sense,’ I say.

‘Why is the most popular journalist in the country working as an undercover receptionist?’ Eternity twines her spaghetti around her fork before eating it. I tell her about Old Kip’s offer. Or threat, depending on how you choose to see it.

‘It makes you wonder, doesn’t it?’ she asks ‘How many of us do you think are only at G.U.L.A to bring it down?’

‘Me,’ I count ‘You, I’m guessing. And...Sienna, the airline representative?’

‘That sounds about right to me,’ Eternity nods.

‘I’ve told you why I’m trying to bring it down,’ I remind her, a desire for more knowledge running through my mind and voice ‘What do you know about Project G.U.L.A that makes you want to devote yourself to destroying it?’

‘Have you got a while?’

‘Yes.’

‘Wrong answer. I don’t want to have to go through the entire story again. The general idea is that they supported a very dangerous experiment of mine that could have got a lot of people...hurt, very badly hurt- actually it did, but luckily there were no, er, permanent effects. If it weren’t for somebody working against me on the inside, there’d be no gain and a lot of loss.’

‘And now you’re trying to do the same as that person?’ I question, deciding Eternity’s motives aren’t suspicious.

‘Exactly,’ she says ‘If they supported my fatal experiment, they’ll support others. I believe the media that they’ve probably already supported them. Once I’ve destroyed Project G.U.L.A, with your help as a popular journalist-‘

That’s why she’s trying to get close to me.

‘-I’ll go into something else. This isn’t a career choice. It’s what I have to do. I’d like to go into music, like Celeste did.’

‘Celeste became a musician?’

‘A songwriter,’ Eternity corrects me ‘She’s hoping to become a vocalist eventually, and I think that she can do it. Actually, here...’ She rummages in her black bag and takes out a matching mobile phone. I thought that she was gothic enough as a teenager. After pressing a button, a few piano notes start playing.

‘What is-‘


‘Sh.’

I recognise the lyrics vaguely.

‘I-Ivy liked this song,’ I recall. Eternity nods sympathetically as I wrap my arms around each other, suddenly cold. I listen to the first verse and chorus in sad nostalgia.

Once I was the only deceit when all else was true

And they said that my song was a sweet lie to you

‘Hey, that’s new.’

‘I was right back then, you know.’

‘Are you still?’

But with time and the changing of heart it came undone

‘No.’

I pieced back the puzzle and the moon turned to sun

‘The moon only looks like a light source, doesn’t it?’ Eternity asks ‘A mere reflection of sunlight.’

‘What’s that meant to mean?’

‘Whatever you think it means.’

Embrace the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress

I’ll protect this infinite saga of melodies


Don’t you know that the stars are too far away to seek?

But it looms oh so bright, the beauty of sunlight

What you wanted was shining above you all along

I’m like the soft brightness, I’m forever’s songstress

I’ll turn the samsara into an eternal song

‘This fight goes on and on,’ comments Eternity ‘In a small samsara, we’re reborn day after day. What will we be reborn as? That depends on our past life, yesterday, how well we spent it. That’s why we have to do the right thing, Kumi.’

Music’s the only reality, it’s all that’s true

Lyrics are the only words that won’t lie to you

Take me by the hand and voice, let our heartstrings entwine

When my song becomes yours all your tears become mine


‘Yes. Never underestimate the healing power of a simple song,’ warns Eternity ‘But it’s going to take much more than an eternal song to beat this samsara.’


Chapter Seventeen- Familiar

I lounge on the sofa of the temporary flat, not as nice as my old one, but who am I to complain about free accommodation? This city may be quite far from my old town, which is why Mr Kip provided this place for me until I have enough information, but I’m not homesick at all. I never saw my old place as a permanent home. The only place I ever thought of as a real home was my first one. I can’t call it a home anymore. Almost as soon as I was released from hospital, we moved far away from that place. I couldn’t see those people that I had seen before that incident happened. I didn’t want those stares. Those questions.

I don’t know what happened after I left, to Eternity, Celeste or anyone else. I had small friendships with many, yet no strong ties, since I’m only social in quite a shallow way, so that wasn’t a problem. It was easier that way.

One day I would like to settle somewhere. After my job at the Kip Banner is secure, I’ll look for that day. Maybe I’ll try and start a family, too. But I’m not going to do that just for the sake of it.

‘That’s all you’ve got?’

‘So far.’

‘It’s a good start,’ encourages Mr Kip.

‘Really? It is?’

‘Of course. This Sueria woman has told us that dangerous experiments have been going on with Project G.U.L.A’s cooperation. Don’t worry, I know she’s a childhood friend of yours, so if we do decide to use anything she’s said we can protect her identity. On your first day, we already have strong ideas that Project G.U.L.A is supporting, and maybe carrying out, illegal activities.’ Childhood friend? I don’t think I’ll bother correcting that.

‘It sounds good when you say that this is my first day,’ I point out ‘But in my experience, the first day is often the best day and the chances of finding new information slowly decrease. I don’t know where to go from here.’

‘You have to follow the leads you already have,’ Mr Kip advises me ‘You’ve got some information already from talking to your friend, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop where you did. It would be useless to try and get anything out of Kalumnia Caussa-‘

‘Ah, good. I don’t want to try that.’

‘-so think about the representative. With what you’ve already heard, doesn’t she seem a little suspicious?’

‘Sienna? I guess she is a mysterious character...’

‘We’re counting on you, Ms Minazuki.’ I think of my situation.

‘I’m counting on myself.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I walk into the building, hoping not to meet Kalumnia. Instead, I meet someone that is useful for me to talk to...and who probably won’t try to crush me under her shoe. Always a plus.

‘Good morning, Eternity,’ I greet her, making her stop as she walks down the corridor.

‘Morning,’ she replies. I glance at the many folders in her arms.

‘Exactly what department do you work in?’ I ask.

‘Finance,’ she looks disappointed just saying it ‘But I’m trying to get into one of the conference jobs.’ She glances behind her and then gives a small smile, hinting at the reason for her desire for the position. Conferences are the perfect place to get information, much better than dealing with finance or organising visits.

‘I wanted to ask you something...do you think Sienna will be in any time soon?’

‘She turns up a lot,’ Eternity nods ‘That’s why I think she has an ulterior motive.’

‘Is that the only reason?’

‘Yes,’ she looks annoyed at having to admit it ‘Also, it’s probably in her nature to be untrusting and aggressive.’

‘Why do you think that?’ Sienna didn’t seem like that to me.

‘People tend to choose those close to them for having similar traits to themselves. That’s all.’

‘Then why would she want to get into Project G.U.L.A?’ I persist ‘What would she want to know about?’

‘Me, I expect,’ Eternity laughs darkly, although she doesn’t look like she believes it.

‘Do you really think that?’

‘No, I suppose I don’t. Her types are irritating, but they’re not delusional. She knows that everything’s fine with me now. There’s probably another experiment she’s looking into. Don’t bother asking me what it is, because even if I knew about everything, what she wants could be anything. Even an experiment from long ago. Why are you so interested about her, anyway?’

‘I’m taking any lead I can get,’ I answer hopelessly ‘however unproductive it seems. She might know something, although I don’t even know her last name.’

‘That’s not going to help much.’

‘No, that’s not the point, and I’m bad with names anyway. I can’t even remember what G.U.L.A stands for.’

‘General Undercover Laboratory Association. Are you familiar with Latin?’

‘What’s the big deal with it? It’s a dead language, isn’t it?’

‘That doesn’t mean it isn’t useful for naming. “Gula” is the Latin name for the sin of gluttony. Think about that.’ That makes no sense.


‘Yes, but listen. Are you able to access any...records, for example?’ Eternity places a hand to her hip, thinking.

‘The database with all the experiments on it?’

‘That’s the one.’

‘I can’t get into that with my post,’ she shakes her head ‘Only Mrs Caussa has access to that.’ Mrs? What exactly is wrong with this world?

‘Oh. So much for that.’ Eternity rolls her eyes.

‘If you want to get further in the business of journalism, you can’t think like that. However, for now, I’ll rephrase what I said. Only Mrs Caussa’s account on the network has access to that.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Incorrect password.

At least this means that I’ve got the username right.

I’m currently trying to hack into Kalumnia’s account from the reception computer, occasionally having to casually hold a folder up in front of the screen.

Username: kalumnia.caussa

Password:

I doubt that anyone but Kalumnia knows this.

G.U.L.A

General Undercover Laboratory Association

I hate Kumi Minazuki

I hate Sora Carson

I hate Kalumnia Caussa and her stupid password

Log in you stupid computer

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

I wonder if anyone would notice if I installed hacking software on this computer? I’d better not risk my only chance here. I might have to do this all manually.

A

Aa

Ab

Forget it! No way am I doing that.


There we go. My career’s probably gone, so it’s time to start making use of the outcomes of those subjects that I said would never be helpful to me. Not P.E, though. I will always withhold that the P.E exams were the most pointless part of my teenage years. Clumsily pawing about with a ball and a net wasn’t exactly glamorous, either. But I’m not just saying that because the basketball kept hitting me all through Year Nine.

‘Hello, Sora.’ I know that voice.

‘Hello, Sienna,’ I respond, turning my chair to face her ‘Why are you here today?’

‘I didn’t really need to come in!’ she admits, a little too defensively ‘I could bring up some business while I’m here, but my main goal is just to chat. I have quite a few friends around here.’

‘You’re lying.’

Damn! I didn’t mean to say that. Out loud, I mean.

‘I am not!’ Sienna’s cheeks turn furiously red ‘I-I have a great thing going with the...guy upstairs!’

‘In the third office on the left?’ I ask curiously.

‘Yes! That’s the one.’ I laugh. ‘What? What is it?!’

‘The guy on the third office on the left is forty-two. Now, I’m not here to judge, but-‘

‘But you’re not going to want Stevie hearing this,’ Eternity mocks, suddenly appearing next to me again.

‘Do you have to keep doing that?’ growls Sienna ‘I don’t care what you think, because for your information, “Stevie” still doesn’t trust you, and neither do I.’ Eternity yawns.

‘Whatever, he never liked me.’ What is this, let’s confuse Kumi day?

‘Do you know what happened to me because of your selfishness?’ challenges Sienna, taking a step closer ‘Do you know what happened to him, in the end?’

‘Nothing,’ Eternity shrugs, confused ‘He was fine when I left him.’

Okay. I don’t know what they’re talking about, and it’s really annoying me.

‘Only because they didn’t want to worry you, because you were psycho enough already! It’s not just what happened to us, it’s what we had to do! Do you know how many people we...’ she glances at me worriedly.

‘No long term damage done, and it made you all stronger.’

‘That’s right! Any of our group could have knocked you right into the ground any day!’

‘Even the fashion girl?’

‘Um...maybe not her. But Steve and I. Maybe the other two.’

‘The other two were just kids. Steve could “knock me right into the ground?” Ooh, yet look what happened.’


‘You had a stun-gun!’ A stun-gun? What? Hopefully this isn’t relevant, because I don’t think I’m ever going to understand what’s going on here.

‘Fine. And it was a taser. We have to get over this. I’m not the problem here.’

‘Whatever you are, I don’t like you.’

‘Eternity’s right,’ I interrupt ‘If we stop caring about what we think of each other, we can bring Project G.U.L.A down together.’ Sienna looks angry and disbelieving.

‘Nice speech. But how, exactly?’

‘Have you ever heard of the journalist Kumi Minazuki?’ I ask. She nods.

‘As far as journalists go in her eyes, my sister’s obsessed.’ Cool. I didn’t know I was worthy of that.

‘Then make sure to tell her about this meeting.’ Sienna looks stunned, then laughs.

‘Nah, you look nothing like her. Doesn’t she look all fancy with black hair or something? Unless- woah, you are Kumi Minazuki.’ All fancy with black hair. Now I have dyed red hair, and I don’t want to think about how far from fancy I look.

‘Not only that, but one reliably informed phone call from me can bring this entire project down. I need to know anything you can tell me.’

‘L-Look, I can’t...not right now, anyway...’ Sienna looks at her watch, obviously acting ‘Actually, forget the talking. I’ll just go now.’ She runs through the corridor and pushes open the door hurriedly.

‘Come back!’ yells Eternity ‘Come back, Sienna Ira!’ It feels like another set of eyelids behind my own has opened, allowing me to see what I couldn’t before.

‘What did you say?’ I whisper.

‘I told her to come back. Is there a problem you have with that?’

That familiar face. Those unusual eyes.

Sienna...Ira...?

‘Don’t you remember who I am, Mr Kip?’

‘This has nothing to do with your past.’

‘It has everything to do with my past.’


Chapter Eighteen- Emotion Enhancer

‘Maybe you were right after all,’ Mr Kip mutters flatly ‘You said that Sienna Ira’s sister was killed. How exactly did that happen?’

‘It wasn’t pleasant,’ I don’t like talking about it, but have to ‘I-Ivy-‘

‘Yes, the girl who tried to kill you.’

‘She didn’t try to kill me! If she had wanted to do that, she could have. But I suppose you know all about that story. Medina disappeared one day, but they never found her body.’ There’s a stiff pause.

‘Then how do you know that she’s dead? That she was killed, even,’ Mr Kip questions me, too aggressively for the situation.

That’s right. I’ve spent years seeing right through people. However much you think you’re exempt from everyone else, you’re not. You’re just another person. But you weren’t satisfied with living like the rest of us, were you? You couldn’t play fair, so you went so low as to kill your two best friends.

Fair? I’m playing as fair as anyone else is!

‘She certainly didn’t deny it that night,’ I say bitterly ‘I was right the first time, so I’m pretty sure that I was right the second. They never found Medina’s body, but they did find another girl’s body a few weeks after Ivy’s suicide. That girl was Erika Fauxlur.’ Erika. Medina. Ivy. Those days. They’re all gone. “All gone”. That sounds like a simple and childish phrase, but there’s nothing childish about this.

‘And how did the Folure girl die?’

‘Fauxlur. Her body had been damaged badly by some kind of impact, which is probably what killed her. She fell from a height. Ivy’s fingerprints were on her shirt. Go figure. The body was found buried in the countryside. That’s all I know, honestly.’ I didn’t want to find out anything at all, but many people insisted on telling me.

‘Are you sure that’s all you know? There has to be something else.’

‘One last thing, but it’s more interesting than important. There were two different sets of fingerprints on the body. A few were Ivy’s, but most belonged to someone else. Someone unidentified.’

‘That’s probably nothing,’ Mr Kip sounds slightly disappointed, whether in my information or in me for thinking it was interesting ‘Someone probably brushed past her, or hugged her, or something like that.’

‘I don’t think it was nothing,’ I breathe, stifling a yawn. It’s ten in the evening, and this hasn’t exactly been an uneventful day.

‘You think she had an accomplice?’

‘Not quite. I think that someone else moved the body.’ He makes a strange noise between a sigh and a gasp.

‘I don’t like to question your judgment, Ms Minazuki, of all my employees, but who would have the need to cover up somebody else’s crime?’


‘People don’t do things because they need to. They do things because they want to.’

‘It hardly sounds like a leisurely job to me.’ It looks like Old Kip still has a lot of wisdom to gain yet.

‘Neither does killing your best friends. If it’s possible for someone like Ivy to do that, it’s possible for someone to willingly protect her.’

‘That’s a fascinating theory. If only you had definite information to back it up,’ he says, half-nicely, half-disappointedly. I remember my frustration over not being able to get information earlier.

‘I think that there are some records Kalumnia Caussa has that might be very useful to us,’ I tell him.

‘Are you sure?’ he asks, not sounding sure at all himself.

‘Nobody else has access to them,’ I persuade him ‘If the information they hold is intended to be kept away from everyone else...I bet there has to be something good in there.’ Mr Kip coughs indecisively at the other end of the connection.

‘I wouldn’t normally encourage this, but in this case I’ll give you permission to go into Caussa’s office and steal the records under my orders,’ he tells me with a self-important tone ‘Just be careful not to get caught. I know you’re not so...delicate...with these situations.’

‘That’s not the problem,’ I explain, insulted ‘These are computer records. Do you know how I can get into a password-protected account?’

‘I do,’ he mutters darkly ‘It’s a skill that has come up previously at this company. Nobody can be perfect, so don’t judge me! But, for goodness sake, don’t tell anyone I told you about this. I’ll give you a link to a website where you can download a program. Install this program on a memory stick and plug it into a network computer at the Project tomorrow. It might take a while to find the correct password.’

‘How long is a while?’

‘Hours, although it depends greatly on password length and general luck. Start the program as soon as you get in, and if you’re lucky it should be finished near the end of the working day, with a while to spare for reading and noting. Here’s what you have to do...’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am not enjoying this at all. Password hacking programs obviously have a lot of speeding up to do.

Half an hour before closing time, people keep on walking by and the folder trick is only going to work for so long before they start getting suspicious. I think they already have done. I’m too prideful to care if they’re getting suspicious for the right reasons or the wrong reasons, and I certainly have too much dignity to act like it’s for the wrong reasons.

Also, last time I couldn’t find the plain folder and picked up a book on curing embarrassing diseases. I don’t know why it’s in here, but I do know that somewhere in here there’s someone with the wrong idea about my personal health. Urgh...

‘Hello there, Sora.’

‘Gwah!’


I almost fall off my chair in my sudden movement to grab the folder. But then I realize that it’s only Eternity, standing in the doorway smirking.

‘I’m hacking into private records that I shouldn’t be, I swear!’ I squeak quickly, giving up on the folder. Now there’s something I thought I wouldn’t be saying today.

Eternity leans towards the screen, licking her red lips excitedly.

‘Don’t expect too much,’ I warn her ‘The program’s still going and it probably won’t finish today.’ The crimson lips twitch downwards, but then their owner frowns at me from beneath her contrasting black cloak of hair, pointing at the screen.

‘What are you talking about?’ she asks ‘It’s done.’

‘It is?!’ I exclaim, turning to the computer immediately.

Time is money lives are priceless

‘Scary,’ Eternity murmurs.

‘It is?’

‘That’s what you needed to know to get to those records. Time is money, so lives must be priceless. Life is all the time you have, after all. Priceless: so valuable you can’t put one price on it.’

I don’t understand why the statement is so horrifying. Lives are priceless, aren’t they? I think I should know that, so who is Eternity to say they’re not?

‘Don’t you understand what this means?’ Eternity asks me, exasperated and flustered.

‘No!’

‘She’s putting a price on lives!’ hisses Eternity, almost shaking me ‘Project G.U.L.A supports dangerous experiments, doesn’t it? I can tell you that much! The more likely an experiment is to endanger lives, the more profitable it will be!’

‘How does that work?’

‘It’s just how it goes. It has to be an important experiment if human lives are involved. I think this might even be a pun- “priceless”. Funny. Lives are just a profitable joke to this woman, and probably everyone else in here too!’

I shudder.

‘That...that can’t be true...you’re reading too much into things,’ I protest weakly.

‘Go on believing that if it makes you feel better,’ she snaps ‘I’m seeing the real world! If this reality were music, the lyrics wouldn’t be pleasant- and the melody would play in your nightmares!’ I notice a silhouette in the light behind her and hold up the folder.

‘What are you d-‘

‘Sh!’ I warn her. Kalumnia walks by, humming.


‘Ten minutes left, girls,’ she calls patronisingly. Eternity clenches her fist and waits for her to walk out of sight, and hopefully earshot.

‘If I could, I’d throw her in a demonic forest of crazed homeless warriors right now,’ I think I hear Eternity mutter, but I must have misheard her, because that would make no sense.

‘You what?’

‘Don’t waste time questioning me! Let’s see those records!’ With her help, I double-click my way through several folders until I find a database of all experiments by the General Undercover Laboratory Association. Or Project Gluttony. That definitely is not a fitting name...for anything except perhaps one of those weight-loss shows.

My heart beats ridiculously quickly. The more I try to slow it down, the faster it beats. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t even know what I’m hoping for. All I can do is scroll around the database until I find something that makes me stop.

I’m slightly comforted by the fact that Eternity seems to have rough idea of what to do.

‘Next page,’ she orders ‘No, go back. Okay, now go to the next page.’

Everything on here is so overwhelming that I hardly care if someone notices, even if Kalumnia herself were to walk into the room, I wouldn’t care. This is everything I could possibly want. But it’s also everything I could possibly dread.

Eternity was right. These all are dangerous experiments, things that can’t be legal. Although the small descriptions aren’t the most frightening things I’ve ever read in my career, it’s chilling to think that all this was supported by one organisation. One organisation that I’m part of.

But one particular one gets me. I cover my mouth with my arm to stop myself from screaming.

‘What?’ Eternity asks, both intrigued and worried ‘What is it?’

Ex Number: 137

Started: 13 years ago

Title: Emotion Enhancer

Alias: “Crazy Drug”

Requested by: Ivanov & Rebane Psychiatrists

Intention: Developed for psychiatric purposes, intended to make subjects more emotional in order to help psychopaths, who often have a dangerous lack of emotion and empathy.

Test: The drug was trialled on known criminals.

Result: Although effective, it appears to have exactly the opposite outcome as desired. The drug was too strong for all subjects and caused dangerously high levels of negative emotion in particular. As a result, there were some indirect fatalities. Although it is ineffective as a medicine, a year after, more independent testing for G.U.L.A alone, this time on various unknowing members of the public, proved E.E is an effective weapon. Again, there were fatalities.


‘I still don’t understand why you’re so upset,’ Eternity comments after reading ‘Drugs go wrong sometimes. That’s life. People kill other people sometimes. That’s life, too.’

‘I always believed in her...’ I whisper ‘Somewhere inside, I knew I believed in her...I believed in wasn’t her fault...’

She didn’t try to kill me! If she had wanted to do that, she could have.

I did believe.

You see, what I don’t understand is why you’re so upset about Ms Invid’s death. She did stab you, after all.

Now, not only do I believe, but I understand.

‘It’s this thing about Ivy, isn’t it?’ sighs Eternity ‘Sorry, Kumi. I know it’s a natural human reaction to want to blame things on anything other than a human-‘

‘I am blaming humans. Just not Ivy. I blame Kalumnia Caussa and the whole of Project G.U.L.A. They took a perfectly good intention and turned it into a horrible threat. They took a perfectly nice young girl and turned her into a killer.’

‘Are you sure this is what happened to Ivy? This happened thirteen years ago. We were in Year Ten twelve years ago.’

‘The good testing for the psychiatrists was carried thirteen years ago,’ I point to the screen ‘The bad testing for G.U.L.A was carried out a year after that. That’s twelve years ago.’ Eternity’s eyes open wide, framed by long, jagged eyelashes.

‘Then you’re right. Project G.U.L.A has to be responsible!’

‘And we have to shut it down,’ I say with conviction ‘Right now.’

‘It’s not that easy,’ Eternity explains ‘Everyone knows that there are only two ways this place can be destroyed. The first is that someone dies on the premises and serious investigation will have to start, but don’t count on that, because the health and safety regulations are ridiculous. The second is for enough information to be released to the public to make it dangerous to continue. Kumi, you have to-‘

‘Give me that information!’ a female voice, shaking with emotion demands.

Kalumnia...no, Kalumnia’s voice is more fake and breathy than that.

It’s Sienna again. She stares at us desperately and questioningly.

‘Please!’ she begs ‘I need it!’ Eternity looks disbelieving.

‘You do? Why?’

‘It’s...it’s...’ Sienna tries to think, but then seems just to give up ‘It’s for my sister!’

‘Medina?’ I ask ‘This is because of Ivy, right? That’s why you’ve been lurking around here. That’s why you took all the errands. You knew this place had something to do with what happened. You wanted to know the truth.’ Sienna nods, then shakes her head, whatever she meant that to mean.


‘You’re right,’ she confirms ‘But it’s not me that wanted to know the truth.’

‘Then who is it?’ sneers Eternity ‘Oh, please.’

‘It’s Medina.’

‘It is Medina? Don’t you mean, if anything, it was?’ I correct her. Sienna looks confused. So does Eternity.

‘Eh? You didn’t know that Medina is still alive?’


Chapter Nineteen- An Old Friend

‘Medina...survived?’ Sienna nods.

‘I remember now, how they mentioned you in one of the papers at the time,’ she recounts ‘They said you were going to move away as soon as possible with your family. Medina only came out of hiding after that. After she was sure that Ivy was dead.’

‘She even threw a pretty good birthday party in Year Eleven,’ Eternity adds.

They both knew?

‘But...that can’t...’ I stutter. Sienna sighs.

‘Sorry. I don’t know the details. I don’t particularly want to. It’s not nice to see your big sister as vulnerable, because then, where does that leave you?’

That’s right. In my mind I still see Medina as a naive fourteen-year-old, but she’s my age now. Twenty-six or twenty-seven. Older even than Sienna.

‘I’m actually an only child, and I think Kumi is too, but I can see why,’ Eternity agrees.

‘If you want to know, I’m driving down to see her tonight and I’m sure she’d like to meet you again,’ Sienna says to me.

To meet...me...again? Could I stand that? Could I stand to see her again? A reminder of the past?

It’s not that I can. It’s that I have to.

‘I’d like that too.’ Eternity shrugs as Sienna looks at her reluctantly.

‘I’ll pass,’ she says ‘She was very nice to me- especially compared to everyone else- so I liked Medina, but I think I’ve had enough little high-school reunions now.’

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Sienna said she was “driving” down to meet Medina, I don’t think she mentioned the word “motorbike”. I would be fine with this if she didn’t feel the need to always travel at a speed at least ten above the limit.

‘I can’t hear you!’ she calls back, obviously lying. I give up. But if we crash, it’s her name I’ll be writing in my own blood on the ground.

A few minutes later, the bike finally slows and I breathe deeply in relief. We’re left outside a small terraced house. Medina’s home.

I don’t want to waste time out here. I need to get this over with. I can’t just know the truth, I have to understand it.

‘Medina!’ calls Sienna, rushing towards the door and opening it without hesitation ‘I’m here!’

‘Enny?’ a voice calls, familiar but calmer, gentler and more refined than before ‘Enny, you’re late.’

‘Sorry,’ replies Sienna.


‘It’s okay. Only by a few minutes.’ I can’t see her from this angle, and I don’t know whether I should move to one where I can or not. Sienna saves me the decision by turning around and waving to me as a cue to walk forward.

‘I brought you your friend,’ she tells Medina.

‘My...friend?’ she replies tentatively ‘But Enny, I don’t...’

‘Of course you still have friends! You just forgot!’ Sienna pushes me forwards ‘Your old pal, Kumi Minazuki!’

The young woman blinking in surprise with the same large eyes as she had as a teenager now has slightly darker hair, tinted a little with red, making her bear a stronger resemblance to her younger sister. She remains very feminine, but less bouncy and more...elegant.

‘Medina?’

‘Kumi?’

Sienna laughs at us.

‘If you’re not going to do anything else, I know this isn’t my house, but it would be more convenient for you to have this conversation inside. Just a little suggestion there.’ Medina blindly follows Sienna into a medium-sized (large for the house) room on the ground floor.

‘S-Sit there,’ Medina points at an armchair, opposite and identical to the one she takes. Sienna pulls up another one and reclines in it lazily.

‘Um...’ I say awkwardly, not knowing where to start.

‘Why are you here, Kumi?’ asks Medina.

‘To say...hi?’ I answer automatically ‘Hi.’ Sienna groans exasperatedly.

‘Here,’ she flips open a notebook and rips a used sheet out, handing it to Medina, who reads it, looking stunned for several seconds afterwards.

‘Did this...did this happen to I...Iv...?’

‘We don’t have proof that it did, but that’s what we think,’ I finally manage to say something.

‘This is what you wanted me to find, right?’ Sienna asks hopefully. Medina nods. ‘So can I concentrate on my actual career up in the air now? I know it doesn’t sound very interesting, but, hey, I love adventure. Snooping around offices may be dangerous, alright, but it’s not my idea of fun.’

‘Yes,’ Medina responds ‘That’s what I wanted. I only ever wanted to be able to think back of Ivy nicely. I wanted to be able to enjoy the memories...of before. Now I know it’s not her fault, I can remember and maybe even learn to smile about her. Thank you, Enny.’ She reaches out and hugs Sienna, who looks startled.

‘Er, you’re welcome. But it seems a waste to not do anything with this information.’


‘I’ll take care of that,’ I assure her ‘I know we can’t prove anything just yet, but if nothing else, it will give me the motivation to keep going with this. But first...I want to know Medina’s story.’ I turn to Medina, who closes her eyes.

‘I’ll tell you, Kumi,’ she says quietly ‘You used to tell me a lot. Now I’ll try and repay you, now that I know the truth. How much do you know? I don’t want to waste your time. You’re quite successful and busy now...’

‘I won’t be if I don’t get this G.U.L.A thing right,’ I tell her ‘I know that Ivy was in love with Kaden and she killed Erika and y- well, obviously not you, but that’s what I thought. And I know that she only reacted so badly to it because of something selfish that the Project did. She also tried to kill me and ended up making my career. That’s all I’ve got.’

‘Then I’ll start by telling you that I liked Kaden too,’ Medina admits, looking ashamed ‘I won’t say I loved him...because Ivy loved him. Although it’s still...still s-so horrible to think of...I’m sorry. Ivy did try to kill me. She tried to beat me to death with a log. I realized that trying to plead was useless, so I decided to pretend to be dead to see if she’d leave me alone. It was easy. I was half-dead at that point anyway. And it worked.’

‘What happened to Kaden?’ I ask, maybe more challengingly than I should ‘The way you reacted after you said his name...something happened to him, didn’t it.’

‘Yes,’ Medina’s hair falls over her face, casting it with shadow ‘He committed suicide a week after Ivy did...because he loved her...and he felt so guilty...about what he did!’

Medina is alive. Kaden is dead. Now I know that I didn’t understand the outcome at all.

‘What did he do?’ I continue, and Sienna glares at me, seeing that I’m upsetting Medina. I don’t like this either, but sacrifices have to be made.

‘He was...he was the one that hid...Eri...’

‘He hid the bodies?’

‘Body. But it would have been bodies if I had died. He was even there, you know? When I was lying there, too scared to call for help...he appeared. Like he knew. He did know. He was afraid something bad might have happened after what happened to Eri...and it did. I asked him to help me when he turned up. He did get me help, and I asked them not to tell anyone until I was definitely safe.’

‘You weren’t definitely safe until Ivy was gone.’

‘That’s right, but I didn’t want her to die. And although he helped me then, I think he might have considered killing me.’

‘What?’ I gasp ‘Why would he do that?’

‘He would have thought that if Ivy, the girl he loved, wanted me dead, then she had reason to,’ Medina says shakily ‘He loved her. Not me. I asked him to stay with me. But he didn’t. When the medical crew turned up, he left. Just like that. Even after what she had done, he would choose her over me.’ It’s surprising that she isn’t crying. The old Medina would have cried. This one seems to have been desensitized to the world.


‘Is that all you want to tell me, Medina?’ I ask gently.

‘You’re not just here to dig up information, are you?’ Sienna snaps. A protective younger sister. That’s something you don’t always see.

‘No,’ I reply ‘I’m here to see Medina again, but I’m also here to try and get information, yes. That’s only so that I can take revenge on the organisation that’s responsible for this all.’ Sienna looks satisfied with the response and turns to Medina.

‘Is there anything else you want to say?’ she prompts. Medina nods.

‘I don’t know if Kumi will understand, or anyone, or if there even is anything to understand,’ she begins ‘This was a while ago...just after...twelve years ago...but when I was alone I felt like...like someone was calling to me. Talking to me. Someone who was angry. Someone I knew. Enny...you heard them too once, didn’t you? Just once.’ I don’t know what was going on there. I would normally dismiss it as “hearing voices”, however, Sienna heard the voice as well. That’s creepy.

‘I’m sorry,’ I apologise ‘That means nothing to me.’ Sienna gasps.

‘Wait!’ she says ‘Actually, that does mean something to me now! I was only seven at the time, but now...now I know what was going on!’ She runs to the phone.

‘Enny? What are you doing?’

‘We’re Iras, aren’t we?’ Sienna replies ‘Iras are good, but not good enough. We’re going to have to call someone closer to the particular part of the family line we’re looking for. And I have a certain friend in mind.’

Family line? What’s so special about having the surname “Ira”?

‘I don’t get it,’ I mention.

‘I doubt I can explain it well,’ Sienna says, dialling a number and then waiting with her ear against the phone ‘Hey, Adara. It’s me.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Footsteps clack against the concrete outside. The dull sound tells me that their owner is wearing practical shoes tonight. Good. I’m not in the mood to deal with anything but normality. Sienna runs out of the room and, I assume, up to the door, pulling it open.

‘Adara! I haven’t seen you in a while!’ she greets the comfortable-shoed person who I assume is called Adara.

‘And now that you do decide that you’d like to see me, it’s because you want help,’ Adara laughs. The two of them walk into the room.

Adara is even younger still. She can’t be any older than sixteen or seventeen. If I had to guess, I’d say seventeen. Her hair is medium-length, straight and a nice shade of brown. Her eyes are a similar shade. She’s not stunning, but she’s quite nice-looking in a natural way. Her expression is what stands out the most, and I have a feeling that she’s analysing everything about her situation, and probably making snide little comments to herself about it as well.


I like her already.

‘Hello,’ she greets Medina and I nervously ‘it’s nice to meet you.’ With the awkwardness in her tone, I don’t think she really means that, but is just trying to be polite. Not that there’s a problem with that. She turns to Sienna. ‘Um...why did you call me?’

‘Quite a while ago, I heard a voice,’ Sienna begins, then pauses.

‘Isn’t that a good thing?’ Adara asks, clearly confused.

‘It was a voice that shouldn’t have existed,’ continues Sienna ‘Nobody was there, but there was still this voice. I couldn’t tell exactly what it was saying. I don’t think it was me it wanted to talk to. I think it was just looking for anyone that would listen.’

‘You’ve told me about this before,’ replies Adara.

‘The one in the other...forest was a different voice,’ she says. Other forest? What other forest? As opposed to what? ‘I know why that one was there. And that’s why I think this one could have been there for the same reason.’ Adara’s eyes grow wide and she looks at Medina.

‘You’re her sister, aren’t you?’ she asks, Medina nodding ‘Did you hear the voice too?’ Medina nods again. Adara looks back at Sienna. ‘You’re right. It’s that reason. Not only that, but I think I know who the voice belongs to...’

Great! More people talking cryptically about more things that I don’t understand! Joy!

‘No!’ Sienna looks clearly shocked ‘You’ve met this...de-‘

‘Remnant,’ Adara interrupts ‘The other terms are just inaccurate nicknames. They’re not demons and they’re not angels either. They’re normal people.’

‘Nothing more, nothing less?’

‘A lot more, but at the same time a little less,’ replies Adara ‘They don’t have the same capabilities as us, as in a true physical form. Their own capabilities, though...you know how strong those can be, should they have the will to use them. They can even break through the barriers of life and death.’

‘I won’t pretend that I understand the remnants, or even my loose grasp on “the gift” to connect with them, so this is all I’ve got,’ Sienna says. Both girls are ignoring the baffled Medina and even more so I ‘For some reason, when disasters happen and someone dies in them who didn’t deserve to, they sometimes become a remnant as...some way of making up for it? Then they have some power that can set the disaster right? And only our bloodline can contact them?’

‘The general idea is right,’ agrees Adara ‘Although it’s not about making up for it at all. That’s what I thought. For it to make sense, you need to know the full story of the remnants. It could just be legend, but it gives a good explanation.’ Now we’re getting into legends and the supernatural. I’ll give them a chance before I completely dismiss it all.

‘Tell us, then,’ Sienna requests, finally acknowledging our presence. Adara glances around at everyone and takes a few seconds to order out her thoughts.

‘Here goes, then,’ she begins ‘A long time ago, several centuries at least, there were a pair of lovers. Their names have been lost in translation, not that those are relevant. Anyway, the female lover was


experienced in witchcraft, but, although she was still young and strong, she caught a horrible disease. They both knew eventually that she would die. In her last few days, she saw how troubled he was by this and used the knowledge of witchcraft that she had to attempt to preserve herself until she should no longer be needed by her lover, justifying her actions by saying her heart was too pure for the tragedy. This spell continued to work from then on, not just on her, but it stayed to affect others in the future. Anyone who fit the criteria.’

‘That makes sense,’ comments Sienna ‘Sounds like a pretty good deal she had there.’

‘Oh, it wasn’t,’ Adara says darkly ‘There were certain things that she didn’t consider. The least of the problems were her own after her death.’

‘Could her lover even see her?’ asks Medina, seemingly determined to actually contribute. Personally, I’m not too bothered about these myths.

‘Yes. I’m one of his closest modern descendants,’ she replies ‘He could see her, but his love for her gradually faded since her form wasn’t complete. There’s only so much love you can keep for a mere ghost, a remnant. He ended up falling in love with another woman who I assume is another ancestor of mine. And yours, Sienna. And Medina, of course.’ Way to alienate me.

‘How sad...’ Medina says sympathetically.

‘It gets worse,’ Adara adds, almost apologetically ‘She was furious about this. Not only was this someone who she had changed the laws of nature for, it was the only person who could communicate with her at all. Without him, she would literally have nothing. Not wanting to let the future take its course or regret any of her past actions, she decided just to leave, even though she knew the consequences. She vowed to remain as a remnant for as long as he needed her. The problem was, it went wrong since he didn’t need her. But when she left, he did need her. He went mad and eventually, this is what killed him.’

Are there no happy love stories out there?! I knew it!

‘The remnant deal doesn’t always go right, then?’ asks Sienna.

‘No,’ says Adara ‘It’s actually a rare occasion for it to work out. The remnants can only set things right when the other people involved have a desire to set them right. It’s worked out thirteen times before. There were probably a load of other occasions where it didn’t, but those aren’t going to be noticeable. It only has a chance of working if one of the male lover’s descendants is involved and something can be changed through them. We’re very rare. And we were wrong before about the remnants only leaving when everything is put right, too. They also leave when they just give up. Like the girl you were hearing, Erika.’

‘Erika?!’ the other three of us exclaim in shock. Adara frowns, not understanding.

‘Yes, Erika,’ she repeats ‘That was the girl’s name. We met.’

She genuinely doesn’t get it. I can tell.

That can only mean...this legend must be real.

I trust my own instincts more than what we call “common sense”. This is too much...


‘What did she say?’ I question Adara desperately.

‘She was very...not happy, but maybe...relieved to finally meet someone who could see- and listen to, above all else- her. After this, she left. She was too tired of the world and had lost her faith in it. She told me that her friend had killed her because this friend had thought she was trying to steal the boy she was in love with. Her last wish was for me to let everyone know the truth. I plan to do that, but I haven’t quite figured out how.’

‘Her friend thought that?’ I stammer ‘What do you mean by that? So I’ve got this all wrong...?’

‘It’s not you getting it wrong that was the problem, by the sounds of it,’ Adara says grimly ‘From what I understood, she tried to give the boy a love letter, pretending it was from her friend. Her friend that killed her. She knew that although her friend loved this boy, she was too prideful to send such a letter herself. This girl...Erika, was trying to help. But of course she was misunderstood. That’s what she wanted me to tell everyone. Not that I can, because nobody’s going to take me seriously.’

‘She’s gone, definitely?’ Medina asks, eyes shining.

‘Definitely. It’s for the best. Like the first remnant, she couldn’t take it anymore. She’s not the fourteenth remnant, but another uncounted remnant whose story will go untold.’

Erika. That’s all I can think. That one word. One name. Erika.

What is this feeling? It’s not really one of mourning...it’s...

Whatever it is, I can use this feeling. It’s another feeling I can put towards my motivation.

‘This is all because of Project G.U.L.A,’ I remind them ‘It has to go.’

‘I hate it,’ Medina says in a voice I’ve never heard from her before. An uncomfortable shiver tells me that this is the real Medina. ‘I don’t care about much anymore. All I want is for them to have to face up to what they’ve done.’


Chapter Twenty- Freed Bird

That’s all I remember from last night. After Medina started acting coldly and strangely, I couldn’t focus on much.

All I understood afterwards was something else to do with the remnants: the Scales of Nature, another problem with the spell that witch woman, or whatever you want to call her, cast. Because of the imbalance with nature it created, for each dying part of a disaster brought back to life as a remnant, a surviving part of that disaster would be fated to die.

I won’t even pretend to accept nor understand this. It’ll probably be a lot better for my mental health if I ignore it completely. I’ll just carry on peacefully eating my breakfast in oblivious bliss-

My mobile rings. Typical.

‘Hello?’

‘What have you got?’ Mr Kip asks. His tone sounds very different to usual, more demanding.

‘A lot of information on Ivy’s case, but not so much on Project G.U.L.A,’ I admit, realizing how little I’ve actually concentrated on my original goal.

‘How much is “not so much”?’ Help. He sounds so serious about this it’s painful.

‘I managed to get into the records,’ I tell him ‘There was a giant list of all these experiments. There was one particular one, a drug called E.E, standing for Emotion Enhancer. Project G.U.L.A were trying to see if they could drive people to madness with it.’

‘They were developing a medical weapon?’

‘That’s exactly what they were doing! The record said that there were fatalities. I think they used it on Ivy.’

‘This is fantastic, Ms Minazuki!’ Mr Kip exclaims excitedly ‘How have you obtained proof of this? A copy onto your memory stick? Or at least a few screenshots?’

Oops. Proof. I always forget that one.

‘I haven’t. I’m really sorry.’ He sighs.

‘You’re going to have to get it today, understand? And I mean today. Supporting this investigation is costing us. If this takes any longer than two days, I’m going to have to let it go. Do you know what that means?’

‘Two days?! That’s-‘

‘Do you know what that means?’

‘Sorry. Yes, Mr Kip. You’re going to have to let me go as well.’

‘That’s exactly it,’ Mr Kip says ‘Two days, Ms Minazuki. That’s all.’ A beep lets me know that he’s hung up.

Two days, Ms Minazuki.


No. It’ll be fine! All I have to do is type that thing about time and prices then be free to copy the file onto the memory stick. Easy.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh, no. This cannot be happening. This is so ridiculous that it cannot be happening.

‘Help yourselves to anything from the tin,’ Kalumnia offers Eternity and I from across her desk.

‘No, thank you,’ I mutter. Eternity doesn’t reply and only stares at her stonily. That makes three out of three who know exactly why Kalumnia called us in here.

‘Ah, I see,’ Kalumnia says, mock-sweetly ‘So it must only be private information that you two enjoy taking at will.’ Is Eternity even blinking?

‘I’ve had enough of your little mind games, so just say it, already,’ she snaps, refusing to be intimidated as always ‘You think we know the truth. You want us gone.’ Kalumnia smiles confidently.

‘I’m not afraid of the truth,’ she whispers ‘I don’t where you got those cute ideas from, but I have nothing to fear from the truth.’

‘Really?’ Eternity hisses ‘Because it’s about as pretty as your heart.’

As much as I’d love to cheer Eternity on right now, I don’t think she’s doing much to help our chances of staying on here. And that’s kind of important for me, especially now I’m on a time limit.

‘Do you have evidence?’ Kalumnia remains smooth-sounding, but there’s now a hint of fear in her voice.

‘You bet we do,’ Eternity lies, leaning closer. Kalumnia’s eyes flash dangerously and coldly.

Eternity! Idiot! This is definitely not good!

‘No we don’t!’ I correct her. Kalumnia relaxes.

‘Good,’ she picks up a pen and starts twirling it ‘Otherwise bad things could happen...to you before me.’

‘Mmph.’ Eternity seems to have realized what would have happened if Kalumnia had seen us as threats.

‘But, as it stands, I’m happy with just letting you...go,’ Kalumnia makes an action with her hands like a bird flying free ‘Did you know that captive birds survive longer than they would in the wild?’

I should do something. Anything. I really should.

But I hate her too much to plead, and as much as I’d love to drive that pen through her neck, I doubt that would be the most sensible option.

So I don’t do, or even say, anything. I just leave quietly, taking my phone out from my pocket and sending a single text. Three harsh words that I don’t want to have to say aloud.

To: Ryker Kip


I give up.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

‘My lyrics are awful!’

Not only am I spending time with Eternity Sueria, but I’m living with her. Temporarily, but my past self would still be...surprised.

A few days ago, when I gave up on the Project G.U.L.A story, I had to move out. I’m planning to go back to my old flat soon (with whatever new career I have, I doubt I’ll be able to have as large an income as I did when I dreamt of moving somewhere nicer), but Eternity insisted I could stay, so that I could benefit from the cheaper fares this weekend. That’s nice of her, I guess. Having company isn’t bad, either, however little she likes to talk to me. But her house is enviable and nice for this peaceful evening.

The house isn’t the only enviable part. She may think that her lyrics aren’t so good, but Eternity has dreams of a singing career to follow now. I have nothing. Don’t even joke about a singing career for me. Even my whistling leaves quite a bit to be desired.

The best thing that’s happened over the last couple of days was dying my hair back to its original colour and putting extensions in. That’s about the only good thing.

‘Here, would you like some help?’

I leave my chair (well, Eternity’s chair) and walk over to the table to try and help. Note the “try”. I never know what to write about in poems and songs. I know the one to fall back on is love, but nobody wants to hear a song about how much it sucks and how it’s always only going to bring about a horrible tragedy.

‘I want to write something emotional,’ she tells me, looking at the plain sheet of paper wistfully ‘Something that comes from the heart and speaks to the heart. It’s harder than it sounds.’ I raise my eyebrows.

‘Ouch. It sounds hard anyway.’

‘As long as it brings forward a true emotion, it should be fine,’ Eternity says ‘It needs to feel genuine, like there’s a real reason, a real desire behind the writing of the lyrics. Not just a song for the sake of a song.’

‘Difficult, since that is what it is.’ I’m not helping at all.

‘I have nothing to convey!’ she exclaims exasperatedly ‘My big goal is to be a famous music artist! Nobody wants to hear about that!’

‘Popular music begs to differ.’

‘If it does, it’s awful too!’ she groans, pushing the paper towards me ‘Here, you can do this better than me. Write anything with a rhythm and I’ll set it to a melody. I can do that much.’

‘My emotions and things are even less interesting than yours!’ I argue.


‘Are you kidding? You’re fighting on to restore good faith in the girl who tried to kill you twelve years ago! And you still believe in and miss her despite what she did!’

‘Well, I saw the records and-

‘No, no. You believed in her enough to associate her right away with the E.E experiment. If you don’t have a good enough mindset to write an emotional song, then who does?’

‘I don’t know how to...’

‘Write about your real feelings. How you miss her. How you feel everything is slipping away. Please, Kumi. What do you feel when you think of your last meeting, for example?’

‘I wish...I wish I’d known. I wish it had ended differently. I’d have wanted to have already changed my false image of her by that time. I wish time hadn’t spun around so fast. I wish the moment, the life, wouldn’t have faded so soon. If I could cling onto...’ I stop. Eternity looks hopeful.

‘Yes?’ she responds eagerly ‘Cling onto?’ I quickly start to write down the first verse. Eternity smiles triumphantly.

‘I’m going to take at least some of the credit for this.’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ring. Ring.

As I quickly finish the final line, my mobile begins to ring again. Eternity picks up the finished lyrics in silent admiration as I answer it.

‘Hello?’

‘Kumi?’ an unfamiliar strained female voice answers ‘Kumi, you have to help! It’s urgent.’

I just recognised the voice. I didn’t before, because it sounded so shaky and helpless. So unlike Sienna.

This cannot be good. This cannot even be acceptable, or mildly bad.

‘How? What is?’

‘It’s Medina,’ Sienna says ‘I’m here to visit, like always...only she isn’t here. She isn’t anywhere.’

‘I haven’t seen her,’ I reply honestly.

‘I don’t know where she is!’ she sounds for the first time like a dependent little sister ‘I...’

‘When was the last time you heard from her?’

‘A couple of days ago!’

‘Did she say anything strange?’

‘Everything about her was strange! She was seriously angry and talking about how much she wanted to avenge Ivy by shutting down Project G.U.L.A!’


‘That doesn’t sound like something Medina would say at all. Unless she’s different with you. Or if she’s changed considerably over the years.’

‘She is and she has, but you’re right anyway!’

‘It can’t be that bad!’ I try to assure her ‘Why would anything bad happen to Medina?’

‘I just realized when this happened,’ Sienna whispers weakly ‘The Scales of Nature.’

‘What have they got to...?’

The Scales of Nature. For each dying part of a disaster brought back to life as a remnant, a surviving part of that disaster is...fated to die.

Medina survived. Erika became a remnant.

I can’t do this anymore! I was happier not knowing Medina was alive! Now she’s slipping away all over again!

‘The Scales of Nature...’ Sienna repeats, before she slams the phone down. Eternity looks at me.

‘She hung up,’ I explain, pointing at the phone.

‘Why?’

‘She knew there was nothing I could say to her she didn’t already know. And she knows there’s nothing either of us can do.’


Chapter Twenty-One- Fate

I explain the situation to Eternity, who looks sympathetic for the first time I’ve seen.

‘We don’t know for certain if she’s dead,’ she points out.

‘She might as well be if she isn’t,’ I shrug, my shoulders drooping so much they won’t go up again ‘It’s fate, isn’t it?’

‘Fate is a stupid word,’ Eternity says bitterly.

We sit in silence for several minutes. This is the worst feeling. It would be better to know, either way. Not just be left like this wondering about Medina’s “fate”. When we’re left like this, it’s like we could do something. Like we should be doing something.

But what is there to do?

‘This is horrible!’ I let my head fall into my hands, only seeing blurry and impure darkness. Even the sounds feel blurred.

‘I agree. We can’t save Medina and we can’t destroy Project G.U.L.A.’

‘We definitely can’t do either of those things?’

‘Maybe Project G.U.L.A. But the only option we have left to warrant investigation isn’t worth it. Trust me.’

‘What was it again?’

‘To die on the premises. Personally, I’m not prepared for th-‘

‘What did you say?’ I let my hands fall back to my knees and face her. She looks startled.

‘To die on the premises. You’re not considering it, are you?’

‘I’m not.’

I don’t care about much anymore. All I want is for them to have to face up to what they’ve done.

‘Then who is?’

‘Medina!’

Eternity half-laughs disbelievingly.

‘If it was anyone else you were claiming this was going on with, I’d be more concerned,’ she says ‘But Medina?’

‘She’s not going to be thinking straight, is she?’ I ask, standing up ‘I’ve already lost one friend like this. I’m not losing another, or no words are going to be able to put together my emotions.’ Eternity looks up at me.

‘Okay. I believe you. But what are you going to do now?’

‘Get to Project G.U.L.A, of course. That’s where she’ll be.’ Eternity looks at the clock. It’s nine.


‘At this time? Are you going to break in?’

‘Yes.’

‘Now you’re talking. Don’t expect to get there quickly enough by public transport, though. And I don’t have a car.’ I start dialling a number.

‘No matter. I’ve got the fastest mode of transport right here.’

‘Eh?’

The ringing at the other end of the connection stops.

‘Hello again, Sienna. Listen, I really need you to come over here, and it has to be by motorbike...’

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My chin rests on my knees as I rest on the windowsill, looking out at the empty road hopefully.

‘I don’t know why I’m waiting as expectantly as this,’ I sigh ‘Even if she turns up right now, aren’t the Scales of Nature absolute?’ Eternity snorts.

‘Nothing is absolute, and don’t you ever believe that,’ she tells me firmly ‘If the witch woman could change nature, you can change it back again.’

‘But I’m no witch!’ I point at myself ‘I’m not even a remnant! I’m just a failed ex-journalist!’

‘One day you’ll see that it doesn’t matter,’ responds Eternity ‘And I’ve been thinking...the Scales of Nature have been evaded before.’ I almost fall off the ledge.

‘They have?!’

‘Celeste should have died two years ago if the Scales were absolute,’ she says, with determination...and...guilt? ‘But thanks to the message and presence of a certain remnant-‘

‘I just said! I’m no remnant!’

‘And I said that it doesn’t matter.’ A muffled roar begins in the distance and gradually grows louder and clearer. I practically press my face against the glass.

‘That’s her!’ I run up to the door.

When I open it, Sienna is on her black motorbike, red hair flowing out of her helmet in the wind. She pulls the visor up and holds out another helmet.

‘Don’t stand there looking at me!’ she yells over the sound of the engine ‘Move it!’

I quickly ram the helmet onto my head (not good. Ouch, my ears...) and sling my leg over the motorbike, barely having time to grab onto Sienna’s jacket before the bike starts moving even faster than last time. I would tell her to slow down, but she wouldn’t listen, I’d look like a wimp, and I’d also be showing no concern for Medina. In short, it wouldn’t go down so well.

With the speed we’re travelling, it feels like the air alone is going to push me off and onto the road. We pass several buildings, several people sleeping in peaceful ignorance.


It takes a shorter time than I expected to reach the seemingly deserted headquarters of Project G.U.L.A, but still far too long. Sienna stops the motorbike alarmingly quickly, jumping off. I follow to stop myself falling off.

‘Medina!’ Sienna shouts, pulling off her helmet and rushing towards the building ‘Medina!’

I run after her as she reaches the door. Everything I thought about Project G.U.L.A being unintimidating and pathetic has changed with the nightfall. The walls have become cold to the touch with the night air and their outline is blurred, creating a shroud of darkness that envelopes the scene before us.

‘Medina!’ she screams again, hitting the door in anger. Her hands start to bleed from the rough texture, but she either doesn’t notice or doesn’t care. ‘Can you hear me? You have to be able to hear me...you can’t be...no...answer me!’

I reach out to the door handle and attempt to wrench it open. It won’t move any more than enough to make a feeble rattling sound. Kalumnia must have expected someone might try something like this and made the door particularly strong for the potential occasion. However much I let the handle engrave its shape into my hands, it doesn’t pull free, and I’m meant to be quite strong. I wasn’t stupid as a teenager. I knew that with all that I said, I had to become strong enough to protect myself.

I didn’t know that I needed to become much stronger to protect my friend now.

‘How did she get in?’ I ask. Sienna rests her firsts against the door and we both see a small window. Broken.

‘That’s how,’ she says, walking closer to it and examining the almost completely shattered glass.

‘You can’t climb in through there!’ I tell her ‘You’ll get hurt!’ Sienna doesn’t even bother to look at me.

‘Medina’s going to be much worse than “hurt” if I care about something like that.’ She kicks a few remaining shards of glass in the window out and practically leaps through. I hesitate, knowing I’m not as skilled as that. Even with Sienna’s agility, she has a few scratches from the glass on her arms.

‘Come on, then,’ she calls impatiently. I take a final glance at the soft moonlight and put my right leg through the empty window unsurely, ducking so I can fit the rest of my body through. I ignore the slight stings of pain. Part of my shirt snags on the rough walls, but I manage to get through regardless with some pulling. Immediately, Sienna opens the door of the small office we’ve broken into with such force that it seems as if she’d crash through it even if it were locked. Outside the room, she looks desperately around the corridor, grabbing onto the door frame for support.

‘Medina!’ she shrieks once again, her voice echoing hollowly throughout the building before fading back out into silence.

As I expected deep in my heart, there is no reply.

Sienna makes a strange and strangled choking sound, falling to the ground with her hair covering her face. She reaches her hands out to push herself up, but I stop her.

‘Don’t,’ I whisper.


It will only be more painful if we go further into this place. If we see the full cruel truth of this night, of the scales that we could not evade.

‘Enny...?’

I tremble, my heart beating quickly. But I’m just going mad with the thought that I failed to save yet another friend.

Sienna looks around quickly and stands up before I can stop her.

‘She’s alive!’ Sienna laughs. I...wasn’t...hallucinating?

With a sudden light skip, she runs in the direction of the voice in this strange night. I follow her, a surge of newfound energy from my heart letting me run.

Medina stands shakily around the corner, sobbing. Sienna wraps her arms around her.

‘I don’t know what I was doing...’ Medina cries into her shoulder ‘I...Enny...’

Now I realize that it doesn’t take a supernatural being to create a miracle at all. Nature is only what we allow it to be. It’s natural to love as well. Just as love can be a madness far more terrifying than any other, it can be a saviour far stronger and more beautiful than all else as well.

And if it isn’t enough of a miracle that someone’s life was saved tonight, this has to be. For the first time ever, far more than she could have with grief, Sienna Ira begins to cry.


Epilogue

‘There we go. Back to overshadowing all the rest of us, are you?’ Tori groans, typing an e-mail as I walk in.

‘Apparently I am,’ I joke ‘And this time, I’m here for good.’ She grins strangely.

‘Then it might surprise you to know that Old Kip wants to see you again.’

‘Seriously?!’

‘Yes. But this time I’m pretty sure that it is because he wants to congratulate you.’ I walk to Mr Kip’s office. This time the door is already open, and he’s there smiling at me. Wow. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen him smile.

‘Your article was wonderful, Ms Minazuki!’ he exclaims, shaking my hand.

‘Well, I, um...’ I can’t think of how to respond ‘It wasn’t that hard, I guess. I said what I really wanted to say and it turned out well.’

‘Well? It was fantastic,’ Mr Kip says ‘The true Ivy Invid story is going to be all everyone wants to hear about for a long time yet!’ He hands me a laminated sheet of paper in a frame.

‘Eh?’

‘It’s your printed story, of course,’ he points at the title ‘I thought you could hang it up in your new office. To remind you of what you can achieve.’

‘I get an office? Just for me?’

‘Naturally. You’re the head journalist now, after all.’

‘I am?!’

This is one of the best days ever. I want to go back in time now, just so I can brag to my past self.

Mr Kip gives me the directions to my new office and I thank him quickly before walking to it as fast as I can without it being considered running. I open the door in awe. It’s not as fancy as Mr Kip’s office, but who wants that?

Not only is this office great, but my new home is much nicer, too.

I hang the framed article up on the wall, where there’s a conveniently placed nail sticking out. For the most part, I’m not interested in seeing any of this report, although it is nice to see Erika’s last wish finally realized.

It’s not over yet. But I promise to everyone, those who are alive, and more so those who are dead, that one day Kalumnia Caussa and I will meet again. I’ve already cast suspicion on her company through my report on E.E. If she thinks she’s safe, she’s a fool. So I keep this for the last paragraph, knowing that someday I will be able to bring down Project G.U.L.A both with the truth and for the truth.

I know I cannot prove I found those records that night. I know I cannot prove that this claim is true. I know I cannot prove anything against Project G.U.L.A. However, I also know that I still believe in you, Ivy Invid. I will believe in you forever.


When the season spins around, spins aroundThose ties that slowly fray, fray all awayStrongly, strongly don't let them all come unwoundSo they won't fade away

The burden of the embraced words, they held me downI could not even make a soundI was drowning peacefully inside of a warm illusionWhen I woke, it was only after you had gone.

Bundling up the appearance that I am embracingAround me the colour of orange was scatteringEngraving deeply within my heart it hurt so much

Hirari, hirari, hirari

To the sky, to the sea, to some strange place far beyondI'll go, so that I am able to send you one last bondOh, the colour of the ties that us two have spun

Ah, hirarira, hirarirari

Someday the memory fleeting before our eyesFlowers and wilts in a scattering moment of flightAnd even though it knows how quickly and sadly it’s decaying

Hirari, hirari, hirari

Nido to tsugerarenai kotoba moKimi e saigo kurai todoku youniSotto ame noyouni furu koe

Hirarira, hirarirari

- Hirari, Hirari

THE END

Project G.U.L.A · Web viewOnly without using the word “irritating”, ... the arenas replaced...

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Transcript of Project G.U.L.A · Web viewOnly without using the word “irritating”, ... the arenas replaced...