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October 10, 2007The James Bond Lifestyle Seminar for Academics©By Thomas H. Benton

As everyone knows, James Bond is cool; most professors are not.They are the opposite of cool. That's why no one listens to them.

Most professors don't know how to dress themselves. They arerarely seen with beautiful people. They usually drive ugly cars. Andmost of them don't even know how to tip properly. Let's face it, pal.If you're an academic, you are probably a nerd, a geek, a loser, or, asSinatra—the arbiter of all things cool—used to call such people, a"Clyde."

But that's probably why you became a professor in the first place,instead of, say, a military test pilot, an A-list actor, or president ofthe United States. You stayed in school, and you never learned therules of cool. That's why you don't have a license to kill.

And that's why you need the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar forProfessors©. You need to be a "Dr. Yes" instead of a "Dr. No."

Normally, this exclusive seminar is not offered to specificprofessions, but academics are a special, challenging case. If theaverage academic—50ish, overweight, and boring—can be givensome charisma and class, then it shows anyone be helped by theJames Bond Lifestyle Seminar©.

So, professors, let's cover the basics:

Your work. Enough with the scholarly books already. I meanfootnotes give me a break! If you have to write books for somereason, look for projects that will give you the best combination ofstatus and money for the least time and effort.

Forget revising your dissertation. Consider writing Hollywoodscreenplays. If you score just one sale, you probably can spend therest of your life researching Piers Plowman or whatever. But you



won't want to. You'll be writing your next treatment from the deckof your Hallberg-Rassy in the marina at Corfu.

But let's forget about writing for now. The most important thing youneed to do—starting today—is improve your image.

Image upgrades. Do you buy everything on sale from second-ratedepartment stores? Just as you did when your mom took youshopping for back-to-school clothes?

Look, pal, you are not a child. And you are not a revolutionary. Ifyou are tenured, then you should look like a respectable, seriousprofessional—at all times. A professor should dress up, even whenhe is running to the grocery store for a bottle of Lillet Blanc. In fact,you should even dress up when you are alone—especially when youare alone because, and listen carefully here—you are not dressing upfor other people but for yourself.

You are too important to wear sweatpants—ever.

Everyone knows that students give attractive professors higherratings for a good reason: Attractive professors are cool, and whatcool people know is worth knowing. Remember, every time youwalk into a classroom, you are the star of your own movie. Do youreally want to be Sherman Klump?

Money matters. Professors are not monks; they do not take vows ofpoverty. Whether you admit it or not, money is the most importantsymbol of your intellectual energy. The great Stanley Fish once saidthat if you want to know your importance as a professor, take a lookat your paycheck. Your students respect money (and so, in secret, doyour colleagues), so let them know that you are making piles andpiles of it.

The easiest first step is to buy a money clip. Put some crisp new$100 bills on the outside, and use one of them to pay for your coffeeevery day. Don't be afraid to invest in a decent watch, preferably aRolex or a high-end Omega. Lose that 10-year-old Volvo, and getyourself the kind of car that Bond would drive. It doesn't have to bea new Aston Martin, but you can at least consider leasing an entry-level BMW or Mercedes. Make sure you park your new carsomewhere that everyone will see it; go to work early if you have to.

I know what you're thinking: "But I make only $46,000 a year?!"



Well, with all those new lifestyle upgrades, you will soon bemotivated enough to increase your financial energy, and—as everycool person knowsmoney attracts money because money generatespositive attention.

But remember that someone who looks prosperous has anobligation to be generous. Tip freely. Keep your wealth incirculation. Take your assistants to lunch and order the best foodand wine on the menu for them. And don't stiff the secretaries andcleaning staff during the holidays.

Remember that everything you give comes back to you tenfold,particularly when it comes to the people who take care of youbehind the scenes. Bond always took care of Moneypenny, and shealways repaid that loyalty.

Professional relationships. A cool person like Bond does not seem tobe using people, even when that is exactly what he is doing.Remember that every social interaction is an opportunity for you toshowcase your charm and good manners. When someone comes toyour campus to give a presentation, don't forget to call him or herthe next day to reinforce your compliments, especially if you thinkhis talk was dull and dreadful. Every social interaction should seemlike a win-win situation, even though you are always going to win inthe end. That's why cool people laugh all the time, even when itseems to make no sense.

Of course, being like Bond means you also have to know how to beruthless: Real men (and, nowadays, real women) are admiredbecause, under the right circumstances, they know how to kill thingsartfully. In academe, such performances are rarely more dramaticthan a negative tenure review or a cutting remark in a conferencepresentation. Unfortunately most academics can only wieldsymbolic violence, which is one reason they can never really be likeBond. But more on that later.

Your base of operations. Bond is always ready for his next mission;he never has to search for his keys. You should think of your officeas your base of operations. It needs to be ready at all times for anunexpected crisis. So keep your office clean and ready for work.

Everything important—such as the incriminating photos of yourdepartment head—is kept locked in your filing cabinets. And never



eat in your office. That's what three-star restaurants are for.Nothing is more embarrassing than to have someone importantarrive while your mouth is stuffed with a pressed-turkey andmayonnaise sandwich. Be sure to keep your high-tech listeningdevices and weapons safely stored in your Louis Vuitton briefcase.

The ultimate secret of academics©. Academic positions are scarcethese days, but you can have your pick of the best jobs if you know afew secrets. Most professors are shy, sad people with low vibrationalenergy. They just want someone with high vibrational energy toadmire them, even though most of them go seeking admiration inthe wrong way.

Professors rarely get much respect from students, unless thosestudents are planning to become professors themselves, whichusually creates an escalating cycle of uncoolness. But nothing willflatter—and fluster—a professor more than seeming to be admiredby a cool person, just as you are soon going to be.

If you are interviewing for an academic position, don't tell themabout your work. Redirect their questions to get them to tell youabout their work. Look at them with wide, admiring eyes, as if younever heard anything so brilliant and you feel lucky to be in thepresence of someone so important. They'll love you.

Sometimes flirtatious admiration can go wrong. If it does, be sure tocall any unenthusiastic members of the search committee the nextday to say, "I am so glad to have had the chance to speak with you. IfI get to come to your campus, I will thank you exactly 100 times."You can discreetly pass them the envelope at some point during thecampus visit. Because, you know, most professors need the money.

Positive mental energy©. Read carefully. This is the most importantpart of the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar©. In order to be likeBond, you have to realize that you are a being of pure energy, andyou have to decide whether to use that energy to enhance yourpower or to enhance the power of others. The first step is toprogram your unconscious mind for success. Repeat to yourself, "Iam too cool to be a professor, I am too cool to be a professor."

It helps to have a personal theme song. You can't go wrong with anyof the Bond themes, such as "Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang," buteveryone is different. Many professors are so negative; everything is



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about oppression and inequality and other things that can onlylower your vibrational energy. If you can develop enough PME©,then you will wonder how you ended up being a professor in thefirst place.

If you start living the Bond lifestyle for real, before long you'll haveyour eye on the plushest corner office in the administrationbuilding. Everyone knows that administrators are the coolest peopleon any campus. That's why they're administrators. But the coolest ofthem are usually on their way to someplace else where they can beeven cooler, where they can live the Bond lifestyle on an ever largerscale.

But now it's time for you to achieve your goals. Armed with yournew money clip, this year's Aston Martin, and the Positive MentalEnergy© you learned in the James Bond Lifestyle Seminar forProfessors©, you will soon find yourself fleeing academe the sameway Bond fled the secret volcano base of Blofeld in You Only LiveTwice, seconds before it self-destructed.

It's time to begin your second life as James Bond, Ph.D. I'll bewaiting for you at MI6.

Benton, Thomas H. Benton, is the pen name of WilliamPannapacker, an associate professor of English at Hope College inHolland, Mich. He writes about academic culture and welcomesreader mail directed to his attention at [email protected].

Copyright 2011. All rights reserved.

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