Preparing Effective Correspondence

Ron Freeman, CET

Introduction

This lesson describes a few simple ways to write with clarity. Apply its teaching points and your writing will take on a clear, concise, and vigorous new quality. To improve further and exceed the modest standards described herein, practice and master the guidance outlined in these eight lessons.

RationaleIn today's world of time constraints and information overload, readers don't have time to wade through obscure writing, searching for meaning. If you write well, readers will read what you write, quickly understand it, and remember who wrote it.

“As soon as you move one step from the bottom, your effectiveness depends on your ability to reach others through the spoken or written word.”

—Peter F. Drucker

Goal The goal of all correspondence is effective communications

Learning Objectives Identify standards and rules for effective writing Define the active and passive voice in writing Describe types of wordy expressions List ways to eliminate wordy expressions Write sentences of proper length and emphasis Package writing for ease of reading Use editing tools to ensure correctness Complete two small group exercises Successfully complete end of course written test

Overview

Lesson One

Overview This lesson defines the need for an effective writing course

Effective Writing Sends a clear message in a single, rapid reading and generally

free of errors in: Grammar Mechanics Usage

Message is concise, organized and to the point Puts main point at the beginning of the correspondence Uses active voice over passive voice Emphasizes standard English sentence order:

Subject-verb-object arrangement

Specific Techniques Follow standard protocols, policies or procedures Use short words and sentences

15 percent of the sentence with two or more syllables 15 words or less per sentence

Write paragraphs that are less than 10 lines Avoid jargon and acronyms

Unless previously explained in a sentence: Hazardous Materials (HazMat) Department of Homeland Security (DHS)

Correct spelling, grammar and punctuation

Specific Techniques (Cont’d) Use I, you or we:

Not “the office…” “the TRO…” the department…” Avoid sentences that begin with:

“It is…” “There is…” or “There are…” Keep letters and memorandums to one page length

Use enclosures or attachments, if required If an attachment is named in the letter

Use “Enclosure” or “Enclosures” and “a stated in…” A list of attachments under “Enclosures” not required

The Need for Clear Writing Since writing lacks the advantage of immediate feedback to

clarify meaning, it must be readily understood from the beginning

Here's what happens if it's not:

The reader will waste time:– rereading– guessing– grabbing a dictionary– picking up a phone

The writer will waste time:– taking calls from confused readers– writing a clarification message, or– explaining to an irate boss why the document must be rewritten

Quality While some bureaucratic writing is good, much of it is turgid

(boring), passive and confusing In spite of efforts to eradicate it, poor writing still survives:

– It's embedded in the bureaucracy

– People think government writing should look and sound official

– Unlearned or insecure persons think they can impress others by writing this way

– Writers don't know how or are afraid to change

– Leaders who should know better tolerate poor writing

Good Writers All communicators must become good writers If documents require signatures it’s even more important Widely read documents can have a large impact One who writes with a golden pen has an edge Otherwise talented persons who don’t write well work at a

disadvantage The gifted writer says it best:

Bad writing makes bright people look dumb.

--William Zinsser

English Sentence Order English sentence order is: subject-verb-object The subject is the agent responsible for the action The verb identifies the action the agent performs The object is that which is being acted upon

Example active voice: “Ron (wrote) the letter” Ron is the agent - the subject of this sentence (Wrote) is the verb The letter is the object

English Sentence Order (Cont’d) Example passive voice: “The letter was written by Ron”

Ron is no longer the agent - the subject of the sentence But has become the object of the preposition, “by” The letter has become the subject of the sentence

Active Writing

Lesson Two

Active Writing Emphasizes the doer of the action Shows who or what does the action in the sentence

By putting the doer before the verb Creates shorter sentences

Eliminating the passive voice Reduces the number of words in a sentence

Example: Passive: A time extension is being requested for PW 123 of the

RSD until…(thirteen words) Active: The RSD requests a time extension for PW 123

until… (ten words)

Passive Voice Writing The passive voice is easy to recognize A verb in the passive voice uses:

A form of “to be” plus the past participle of a main verb (such as, am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been)

The main verb usually ending in an: “en” “un” or “t”

(Examples: arisen, begun or caught) “The decision process had not begun”

Or with “ed” (Examples: were completed, is requested) “The report was submitted to them late”

Active Voice Verse Passive Voice Active Voice

Uses fewer words Takes less time to read Identifies the agent

Passive Voice Uses 20 percent more words Takes more time to read May omit the agent

Passive Voice

To obtain approval for our continued work on PW 123 the RSD is requesting a time extension until August 28, 2010.

Sentence too wordy and long

Active Voice

The RSD requests a time extension for PW 123 until August 28, 2010.

Sentence is shorter and better

Convert Passive Sentences to Active Identify the agent Move the agent to the subject position – up front in the

sentence Remove helping verb, “to be” Remove past participle, “ed” Replace helping verbs and participles with:

An “action word”; or A “verb”

Example of Conversion

Original: The report has been

completed A decision will be made

Revised: Jack completed the

report Jill will decide

When to Use Passive Voice Use the passive voice when

the: Receiver is the focus of the

action Agent is unknown Agent is irrelevant, or Situation call for discretion

Examples: John was awarded a prize The store was robbed The paragraphs will be

numbered No decision has been made

(your boss is sitting on the action)

Wordiness

Lesson Three

Wordiness This lesson describes how to eliminate wordiness in writing

sentences using the active voice

Wordiness Expressions Types of Wordy Expressions:

Pompous Diction Overuse of The, That, and Which Dummy Subjects Redundant Pairs Redundant Modifiers Needless Repetition Compound Nouns

Pompous Diction Some writers choose words to impress, rather than to express Big words and pompous phrases add deadwood that hinders

meaning Most wordy expression have much shorter common

synonyms far easier to: Read, write, say, and hear See Appendix B, Simpler Words and Phrases

Pompous Diction Examples:

Instead of saying: Request consideration be

given to For the purpose of Due to the fact that Forwarded under a

separate cover Pursuant to authority

contained in FEMA… Prioritized list

Try saying: Consider To Because Sent separately Per FEMA… Priority list

Overuse of The, That, or Which Use these words to clarify meaning; otherwise, leave them

out: The regulations won’t allow it I fell that it’s a good decision The report which I’m writing is nearly finished

Dummy Subjects Dummy subjects are empty

expressions that: Obscure the real subject Make the sentence longer Delays the point Encourages passive voice,

and Hide responsibility

Examples: Beginning a sentence with: It is my intention… It appears the train is… There is (are) too many… It will be my purpose…

Examples Instead of saying:

It is my intention to There is one thing

bothering me It appears that It is essential that you

Try saying: I intend to One thing bothers me I think You must

Exceptions Beginning a sentence with:

It is permissible when the pronoun refers to its antecedent in the previous sentence

Example: “In spite of efforts to eradicate it, poor writing still survives” “It’s embedded in the bureaucracy”

Redundant Pairs Create meaningless or unnecessary distinction Two ideas are slightly different, how important? Eliminate one and retain the one that expresses the meaning

more precisely Examples:

The manager’s function and role…. The diplomats engaged in a frank and candid dialogue The staff provides guidance and assistance First and foremost, we must focus on priorities

Redundant Modifiers

Basic fundamentals Actual facts Really glad Honest truth End result

Separate out Start over again Symmetrical in form Narrow down Seldom or ever

Examples of redundant modifiers:

Needless Repetition Needless repetition of words or phrases also creates

redundancy and makes writing appear juvenile: Before:

In the absence of a FEMA representative or PAC equivalent, version requests may be signed by a substitute officially designated and acting for FEMA or as a PAC

After: If a FEMA representative or PAC is not available, an

authorized substitute may sign version requests

Compound Nouns

Instead of saying: Materials replacement

alternatives Increased high cost area

allowances

Try saying: Alternative for material

replacement Increased allowances for

high cost areas

Don’t use long strings of nouns as modifiers Revising the sentence may add a word or two, but it’s easier to read:

Smothered Verbs

Lesson Four

Smothered Verbs This lesson explains how to shorten sentences by eliminating

smothered verbs

Smothered Verb A smothered verb is a verb converted to a noun It needs a helping verb and prepositions or articles to express

action This lengthens a sentence and saps its vitality It also encourages use of the passive voice

“Example: We are in agreement with the decision.” The writer has smothered the main verb (agree) with a noun

(agreement) The noun now requires a helping verb (are) and a preposition

(in) to relay action

Action Word or Verb Rewrite this sentence using an “action word” or “verb” An action word is one that expresses meaning without

helping verbs or other modifiers Example: We agree with the decision

The action word (agree) has shortened the sentence By eliminating the:

Smothered verb (noun): “agreement” Helping verb: “are” Preposition: “in”

Distinct endings Most smothered verbs have distinct endings

Examples:

- ness- sion- tion

- ance- ant- ence

- ity- mant- ment

Weak Helping Verbs Smothered verbs rely on weak helping verbs to show action If one of them appears, you know a smothered verb is

present Example:

- give- have- hold

- be- can- conduct

- do- effect- get

- make- provide- put

Converting Smothered Verbs To give a sentence more punch, convert a smothered verb into

an action word or verb This eliminates the need for a helping verb and other modifiers

Instead of saying: We held a meeting I made a choice They conducted an investigation Consideration was given to We are in support of the plan He made an attempt to escape

Try saying: We met I chose They investigated We considered We support the plan He attempted to escape

Sentence Clarity

Lesson Five

Sentence Clarity The lesson explains how to write clear and emphatic

sentences

Length Previously, we reviewed how using the active voice and

eliminating wordy expressions enhances clarity This may not be enough If sentences are all long or all short

Paragraphs may still be hard to read, and Not provide clarity to the reader

Variety Sentences should average about 15 words in length Sentence length should vary – between long and short Caution: Writing all long or short sentences – present too few

or too many points of emphasis

It makes them Monotonous Dense and hard to read Choppy, telegraphic and

juvenile

Don’t make all sentences The same length Long Short

Too Long Example:

My office has reviewed the request for time extension letter received from the St. Charles Community Health Center, Inc., for a category B project worksheet, PW number 4239, which is attached as enclosure 1, that is requesting a time extension date of August 28, 2010.

Analysis: This sentence of 45 words with four stringy thoughts We’re not sure which point the writer is emphasizing This sentence should be divided into shorter ones For easier reading and clarity

Short and Choppy Revision of original sentence:

My office has reviewed the request for time extension letter received from the St. Charles Community Health Center, Inc. Attached as enclosure 1 is their time extension letter for a category B project worksheet, PW number 4239. They are requesting a time extension date until August 28, 2010.

In accordance with 44 CFR § 206.204(d), GOHSEP supports this request and is forwarding their letter to your office for approval.

Analysis: The body of this letter is three short sentences. They’re easier to read, but the message is still choppy. It raises three points of emphasis for the reader to ponder. The letter however, is not personal. We can make these sentences more effective by rewriting them.

Just About Right Example (two short sentences):

We have reviewed the request for time extension from the St. Charles Community Health Center, Inc., for their Category B Project Worksheet, 4239. Attached as enclosure 1, is the Applicant’s Letter requesting a time extension date until August 28, 2010.

In accordance with 44 CFR § 206.204(d), GOHSEP supports this request and is forwarding their letter to FEMA for approval.

Final revision: The letter is more personal and professional

Analysis: We replaced “my office” “your office” with “we” and “FEMA” We have combined thoughts for clarity

Emphasis Emphasis correctly placed; adds clarity and force to

expression

Beginning of Sentence Place introductory, preliminary, previously known, or less

import points at the beginning This tells the reader these preceding words have lesser

emphasis than what is to follow

End of Sentence Place the point you wish to emphasize at the end of the

sentence You want to stress the newest or most important point there

Bad Example I called Jeanne and told her the good news, upon learning I

was selected for the job Analysis:

In this example, the emphasis is misplaced Old information (job selection) should appear in the front and

introduce the new information

Good Example Upon learning I was selected for the job, I called Jeanne and

told her the good news. Analysis:

In this example, old information precedes the new

Review To add clarity to sentences,

– use the active voice

– delete extraneous words

– reduce clauses to phrases or words

– replace long words with short ones

– control sentence length, and

– emphasize the main point at the end

Packaging

Lesson Six

Packaging This lesson describes how to package a document to make it

reader friendly

Rationale An ordinary meal is made more inviting when served with

fine tableware and appealing garnishes Similarly, readers are more likely to read something when it's

attractively packaged Packaging is the arrangement of text to enhance its

readability and visual appeal This opens up writing and gives it white space Whatever format used—letter, memo, or fact sheet—

packaging makes it easier to read

Structure Structure correspondence for easy reading First, open with a short, clear purpose sentence Next, place as the main point:

Recommendations, Conclusion, or Other important information

Last, clearly separate each section by: Short paragraphs headings, or Section titles

Examples of Main Points Staff writing doesn't feature suspenseful narratives and

surprise endings Putting the main point up front allows a reader to review a

matter quickly and go on to something else Examples of main points:

Purpose Request Reason for writing Recommendation Conclusion Bottom line

Finding the Main Point To find the main point, pick the sentence you would keep if

you had to cut out all the rest In other words, request something before justifying it or

provide an answer before explaining it To put the main point up front,

Open with a short statement of purpose, and Then state the main point

Sometimes you can combine the two statements in one sentence

Visual Appeal Most newspapers and magazines published today are visually

appealing and easy to read through the clever use of visual devices

However when using these devices, don’t overdo it: too much is as bad as too little

Text boxes Underscoring or italics Tables and graphs Graphic illustrations

Examples: Color Labels Bullet lists Bold heading

Sample Writing Lesson Review letter before Rewrite using packaging Discuss your work

Bullets

Lesson Seven

Bullets This lesson discusses how to use bullets to make a long

sentence easier to read

Bullet Format

Step Action

1 Break the sentence into a lead-in statement and list ideas under it

Use this technique only for a long series

Don't use it for a series of only two or three ideas unless you want to emphasize them

2 Punctuate the lead-in statement in one of two ways:

If the lead-in state is: The use:

A complete sentence a colon (:)

An introductory phrase an em dash (--)*

*Style may vary, as explained below

3 Use the same grammatical for each listed item, such as an infinitive phrase, noun or verb

Example Before:

Departure information will include a complete forwarding address, the reporting date to the new unit, the order and paragraph number, the issuing headquarters, and the date of departure

After: Departure information will include:

complete forwarding address reporting date to new unit order and paragraph number issuing headquarters, and date of departure

After Alternate Style Required departure information:

Complete forwarding address. Reporting date to new unit. Order and paragraph number. Issuing headquarters. Date of departure.

Styles Punctuation conventions for bullet lists are flexible To minimize punctuation in this text, we’ve omitted the em

dash after introductory phrases Limit the use of periods and capital letters Whatever style bullet or punctuation adopted, be consistent

throughout When in doubt, follow local SOP

Editing

Lesson Eight

Editing This lesson explains how to edit copy, whether it is yours or

another writer’s

Difficulty Even gifted writers often find writing to be an arduous task Editing one’s own work can also be trying because we’re apt

to confuse our intent with what we actually wrote We don’t always express intentions clearly

Pride of Authorship Your writing is fair game to those reviewing it as it passes

through the system Be prepared to have it criticized and modified To cope with pride of authorship:

practice writing every day prepare excellent work that withstands scrutiny ask experts to help with errors you didn't see or can't fix accept valid criticism gracefully, and be tactful when proving critics wrong

Editing Procedures

Step Action

1 Lay copy aside for a day or two, time permitting

2 The read it from the reader’s viewpoint

3 For objectivity, ask a critic to read the document

4 Read the copy aloud, to listen to how the text flows

To edit copy, take these steps:

Tip: In a first draft you’ll write too much; in the second cut out half the words – paying attention to any meaning loss in the document

Editing a Writer’s Work Most writers have thin skin when their work is edited Many editors have the same shortcoming It’s easier to see this fault in other writers No one writes poorly on purpose

Only a few do so from laziness Besides pointing our errors

Also offer your assistance for improvement

Do Not Nit Pick Someday, workers may write letters for your signature Before nit-picking them to death and returning the letter Ask yourself if the letter must be perfect or simply acceptable

The mark of a good executive … you’re handed letters which you know

you could have written better yourself and you sign them anyway.--General Dwight D. Eisenhower

Rules

Don’t Do

Judge one on writing ability Be objective

Nit-pick about minor grammatical points or arbitrarily change word

Weigh the value of proposed edits against cost in time and effort

Change writing for literary effect Focus on meeting standards

Hold on to your standards of perfection Accept the writing if it meets minimum standards of published SOPs

Ruthlessly mark up every minor thing Give feedback, one step at a time

Use editing as an evaluation exercise Use editing to help the writer learn

Rewrite work; this relieves writers from responsibility and causes resentment

Show the writer how to improve

When editing a writer’s work, follow these rules:

Checklist

x Checklist Notes

Just enough information

Examples where needed

Relevant facts

Logical argument of position

Objective

Edit first for completeness:

Checklist

x Checklist Notes

Main point up front

Active voice

Short words and sentences

Paragraphs one inch deep

No jargon or pompous words

Edit second for conciseness:

Checklist

x Checklist Notes

Subject matter laid out clearly

Subject advanced in stages

Smooth transitions

Clear linkages between stages

Correct spelling & punctuation

Informal

Packaged attractively

Edit thirdly for clearness:

Hands-on Exercise SALs, given a writer’s letter and checklist will edit the

writer’s letter using the three “C”: Completeness Conciseness Clarity

SALs will “report back” to the group using their checklist Instructors will review the SAL’s work and provide feedback

Writer’s Letter

Dear Mark Deboiser:

Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office FIPS # (051-02CC4-00) request an extension for the completion of Category C-G Work for the Project Worksheets as stated in this request. In our request, we have provided the project worksheet #, estimated date of completion, explanation of justification, and the extension request date. These projects are essential for Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office to continue to provide quality public support for the community.

Thank you for consideration of this request and if additional information is needed please contact our office. See projects below:

Letter continued on the next slide.

Writer’s Letter (Cont’d)PW #

Project Title Cat Estimated

Completion

Justification Time Extension

2138 Bonnabel Boat Launch

E 07/31/10 Pending Alternate Project 07/31/10

5370 Vehicle Replacement

E 07/31/10 Pending Documentation 07/31/10

5457 Vehicle-Radios &

Modems

E 07/31/10 Pending Improved Project 07/31/10

Respectfully,

/S/ROLAND E. FRANKLINChief Financial Officer

Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office * Harvey, LA 70058 * (504) 363-5500

Assignment

Rewrite this extension letter using the guidance provided in this course

Do not focus on the letter head, subject or salutation

You have 30 minutes to provide a draft letter for review to the instructors

Work as a team to complete this project

You are free to refer to this training document as necessary

Instructor Review Instructors should review letters written by the SALs Stress to the SALs this exercise is designed to help them to

provide guidance to their Applicants Letters should follow established protocols Distribute exercise handout when you have completed your

review

Summary Instructors will review:

Learning objectives Standards and rules Active and passive voice Using the active and passive voice Wordiness

Summary (Cont’d) Instructors will review (cont’d):

Sentence clarity Packaging Bullets Editing Exercise

Written Test Pass out written test and answer sheet Review testing instruction Allow SALs 15 minutes to take the examination Review answers with SALs

Review Appendices Appendix A – Informal Staff Language Appendix B – Simpler Words and Phrases Appendix C – Discussion Papers

Course Critique Pass out course critiques Allow SALs 5 to 10 minutes to complete the critique Collect course critique sheets before concluding class

Certificates of Completion Pass out Certificates of Completion Thank them for their attendance and participation Let them know how importance this course will be to them

moving forward Congratulate them for successful completion of the course