Popping Frogs

8/12/2019 Popping Frogs

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POPPING FROGS

by

Robert Gonzal

WGAw Registered


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Sounds over black. A striking match. Puffs on a cigarette.A deep, satisfied sigh.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Mmm-mmm-mmm, that's better.Alright Alan, why don't you tell mea little about yourself?

LOOFE (V.O.)What would you like to know?

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Anything. Whatever you want todiscuss. There are no boundaries,no rules. Just talk freely andtell me the first thing that popsinto your head. Something fromyour childhood?

LOOFE (V.O.)My childhood? Well, um, let's see...

(hums lightly)Ah, yes. Well, there was this time ...

FADE IN:

EXT. LOOFE HOME - BACKYARD - DAY (1977)

Dew speckled pansies greet the morning sun. A tiny handreaches in, strokes the bright petals, and rips the tenderblossoms from the earth.

SUBTITLE: "LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA. THIRTY YEARS AGO."

YOUNG ALAN LOOFE, ginger-haired kindergartner, arranges theflowers neatly and settles cross-legged beside a freshlybegun jigsaw puzzle.

LOOFE (V.O.)... I think it was summer. Imust've been five years old, or so.I was playing in the backyard.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)

Good. That's good. Tell me more.

LOOFE (V.O.)I was working on a jigsaw puzzle.Papa used to bring me a new oneevery time he went away. I lovedthose puzzles.


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BOWLSBY (V.O.)I see. Were you playing byyourself? No brothers? Sisters?

LOOFE (V.O.)No. My parents weren't supposed tobe able to have kids. Mama always

called me her 'miracle child', agift from heaven. I was prettyspecial.

Clouds roll in. Raindrops fall. A few at first, then thesky opens up.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)What was she like? Your mother.

Young Loofe grabs his puzzle, the flowers, and dashes inside.

INT. LOOFE HOME - KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Freshly baked cookies in various sci-fi shapes are pulledfrom the oven.

MAMA LOOFE, late 30's, admires her handiwork. With her wavyperm and sensible -- albeit paisley -- blouse and skirt, shelooks like a psychedelic June Cleaver. She smiles as herson hands her some pansies.

LOOFE (V.O.)Mama? She was beautiful. Isbeautiful. She's the most amazing

person I know.Mama Loofe snaps an alien in half and pops a piece intoYoung Loofe's waiting mouth.

MAMA LOOFEHe's out front. Hurry.

IN THE FOYER

PAPA LOOFE, mid 40's, tall and reed-like, waits at the door.With his tan overcoat and wild crimson hair, he resembles alit match. He looks seriously at Young Loofe standing

before him.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)And your father? What was he like?

LOOFE (V.O.)Ah. Him.


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The boy offers his remaining pansies. Papa Loofe hesitates,as if unsure what to do.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Yes, him. I sense something. Somefriction? Your relationship wasstrained?

LOOFE (V.O.)No. We got along alright. Aboutas well as a son can hope to getalong with a father, I think.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)But there was tension. Somethingbetween you. Can you elaborate onthat?

LOOFE (V.O.)I don't understand what you'regetting at.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Were you and your father close?Did he love you?

The facade breaks. Papa Loofe smiles broadly and acceptsthe flowers with a warm hug.

LOOFE (V.O.)I'm sure he did. Yes. In his own,obtuse way ...

PAPA LOOFEThank you, string bean.

Papa Loofe grabs an umbrella and steps into the driving rainas Young Loofe waves goodbye.

YOUNG LOOFEBye, Papa.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)But there's more. Tell me, Alan.

LOOFE (V.O.)But ... the asshole still left.

The puzzle box slips from Young Loofe's grip. It falls,falls, falls -- and crashes to the floor. A thousand piecesgo flying.

END FLASHBACK - 1977


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EXT. MARSHY OUTSKIRTS - NIGHT

A fat toad soaks in muck as London Bridge twinkles in thedistance.

SUBTITLE: "LAKE HAVASU, ARIZONA. EIGHT WEEKS AGO."

Whump. The toad's snagged by a net. A YOKEL snickers athis catch.

The toad croaks, inflates a bit. Croaks again, inflates somemore. Again and again. Bigger and bigger. Soon, it bulgeslike some obscene, veiny balloon.

Yokel's chuckling fades as the critter lets out one last,anguished croak, then pops in a gooey burst.

INT. RESEARCH INSTITUTE - DAY

A MAN screams --

MAN(in French, subtitled)

Heads up!

-- and dives aside.

CLAUDETTE MONTFORT, late 20's, attractive like a hotlibrarian, bowls through the crowded corridor, her white labcoat fluttering. She clutches a newspaper in one hand andadjusts horn rimmed glasses with the other.

SUBTITLE: "CHIZ, FRANCE. SEVEN WEEKS AND FIVE DAYS AGO."Just ahead, DR. ADELARD LACHAINE, mid 60's, smarter thanmost and knows it, talks to an ASSOCIATE in rapid-fireFrench. Claudette waves for his attention.

CLAUDETTEDocteur Lachaine! Docteur Lachaine!

Lachaine gives a cursory glance and continues hisconversation. Claudette waits, taps her toe impatiently.Finally:

LACHAINE(in French, subtitled)Can't you see I'm busy withimportant business? What is it,you silly, stupid girl?


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CLAUDETTE(in French, subtitled)

I apologize, but it's happeningagain, Doctor. Look.

She shows him the newspaper. Lachaine's eyes widen.

A LABORATORY - MOMENTS LATER

Lachaine bursts in on a room full of bustling RESEARCHERS.Claudette at his heels.

LACHAINE(in French, subtitled)

People, drop what you are doing andlisten to me. Everybody!

He grabs a yardstick and whacks a counter. It works.


Pack your things. We are going ona trip.

A Researcher carefully raises his hand.

RESEARCHER(in French, subtitled)

Where to, Doctor?

LACHAINEAh-ree-zona.

Claudette claps gleefully.

EXT. DESERT SKY - DAY

It's a brilliant, cloudless day.

SUBTITLE: "LAKE HAVASU, ARIZONA. SEVEN WEEKS AGO."

Something glints in the distance. Something large.Metallic. Moving fast. It comes closer, closer. It's ...a passenger jet.

EXT. DUSTY AIRSTRIP - DAY

MARIE, mid 20's, a buxom flight attendant, directs sweatypassengers off the plane to the tarmac.

MARIEMind your step, everyone. Thankyou for flying Oasis Air.


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ALAN LOOFE, now mid 30's, delicately handsome, unruly redhair contrasting with his crisp sport coat and wrinkle-resistant trousers, emerges from the cabin. He squints hiseyes against the harsh sun.

Marie gives him an appreciative once-over.

MARIEA little bright, isn't it? Y'know,I hear a little sunlight is goodfor the sex drive.

Loofe cocks a brow. Marie looks away, flirty.

MARIEHave a lovely time in Lake Havasu.We hope you'll choose us again realsoon.

Loofe hesitates, then continues on his way.

INT. TAXI - DAY

Loofe eyes a stain on the seat with disapproval. He edgesaway from the offending mark and turns to the dusty streetpassing outside. He pulls out his cell phone. There's atext: "Where RU? Urgent. Got 2 talk. Gil".

Loofe deletes it. There's voicemail.

MEREDITH (V.O.)Hey, hon, it's me. Gimme a shout

when you get to the hotel, okay? Ineed your opinion on something.(something shatters)

Oh -- shit on a stick. Okay, gottago. Bye. Love you.

Loofe winces.

INT. HOTEL LOBBY - DAY

Lachaine leads his army of Researchers as luggage totingPORTERS struggle to keep up.

LACHAINE(in French, subtitled)... and I want that warehouse setup this afternoon. No excuses.Understand? We start first thingin the morning, so work all nightif necessary. Understand?


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AT THE FRONT DESK

BART, 20's, a pimple-faced clerk, greets the group with ahuge grin.

BARTGood afternoon, folks. Welcome to

the Grand Havasu Monarch Motor Innand Spa. Checking in?

Lachaine cringes disapproval.

LACHAINEClaudette. Viens ici.

CLAUDETTE (O.S.)Oui, Docteur. Un instant, s'ilvous plait.

Claudette wades to the front and gives Bart's hand avigorous shake.

CLAUDETTEAllo. I am very nice to meet you.My name is Claudette Montfort, andwe are from the biologicalinstitute of Chiz. That is speltC - H - I - Zed - E, avec un --

(swirls her finger)-- accent aigu. We 'ave a reservation.

Claudette gives Lachaine a thumbs-up as Bart checks his

terminal.BART

Okay, let's see. Ah, here it is.We have a reservation for y'all,alright. That's eight rooms, right?

LACHAINESeven. Plus a suite.

BARTCome again?

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Loofe's taxi pulls into the driveway.

INT. HOTEL FRONT DESK - DAY

Bart wilts under a Francophonic barrage from Lachaine.Somewhere in there, the word 'suite' slips out. Loofe eyesthe group as TINA, 40's and chirpy, confirms his reservation.


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TINA(without looking)

Everything dandy, Bart?

Bart forces a timid smile.

Loofe spots Claudette. She catches him and looks away.

Looks again. Loofe mouths a silent 'hi'. She turns away.

TINAShe's a pretty one, isn't she?

Tina slides Loofe a key card.

TINAOkey-dokey. You're all set, MisterLoofe. Room number's on the backand elevators are to your right.I'd wish you a pleasant stay, butit look like you already have ahead start on that.

Loofe nods absently and wheels his suitcase to the elevator.He sneaks a glance at Claudette before stepping inside.

INT. LOOFE'S HOTEL ROOM - DAY

Loofe's suitcase lands on the bed. Fingers spin thecombination locks. Latches pop. He flings the bag open.And gasps.

Conspicuous atop impeccably folded clothes is a framed photo

of Loofe with a young woman. She's beautiful. Her armstight around his neck. It might be an embrace. Or a chokehold. Either way, his expression looks pained.

Loofe sags onto the bed. He strums his fingers, retrieveshis cell, and punches numbers with determination.

INT. LOOFE'S TOWNHOUSE - SAME

Clumps of furniture hide beneath white sheets. Newspaperslitter the floor. The plain white walls are blinding, spotless.

A phone rings.

MEREDITH, late 20's, clambers over a sofa into the room.The woman in Loofe's photo, she's smokin' hot, even in rattysweats and a ponytail. She hunts down the phone. Finds itunder a sheet.


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INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

MEREDITHBaby! Hi! How was your flight?Did you get my little surprise?

Loofe holds up the photo.

LOOFEMeredith, yes, about that ... Weneed to talk.

MEREDITHIsn't that what we're doing?Listen, I'm glad you called. Iknow you wanted to wait 'til yougot back, but you know me. I justhad to go to the store and pick upsome samples.

LOOFEThat's fine. Listen, I need to --Samples of what?

MEREDITHPaint, you big dummy. What else?I'm not moving in here, not whileyou've got these, these ... Whatdo you have against wall decor,anyway? God, this place is sobarren and wretched! I feel like alittle Eskimo girl lost in a

blizzard. So which do you likebetter, the pueblo tumbleweed orthe red-hot cinnamon?

Meredith grabs a pair of brushes and swipes two largestreaks on the wall.

LOOFEI'm on the phone, Meredith, I haveno idea. And what do you mean,wretched? It's not wretched. It'spristine. It's unencumbered.

MEREDITHOoh, I love it when you're forceful.Okay then, Mister Alan, sir, it'smy decision. Hmmm, what doesMeredith feel like? I think she'sgonna go with the red-hot cinnamon.

LOOFESounds good. I --


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LOOFEWhat do you mean, what do I mean'what'? This is my point exactly,Meredith. Stop it, you'resmothering me!

He hangs up.

END INTERCUT

Loofe glances at their photo. Instead of a hug, she holds anoose around his neck. He recoils, terror-stricken.

LATER

Afternoon sun streaks in from the balcony. Loofe sits at adesk, opens his laptop. Adjusts it just so. He typesprecisely: "Popping Frogs. An original tale by Alan Loofe"

He admires his handiwork. Stares at the words. Knits his brow.

EXT. LOOFE'S BALCONY - NIGHT

A sunset burns brilliant crimson and gold. Loofe takes inthe view. He's carefree, at peace.

His cell beeps. It's a text: "Tick tock. Call me. Gil".

Loofe tosses the cell aside. He glances inside at thelaptop, blinking, waiting. He scoffs and turns back to thesunset.

INT. LOOFE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHTLoofe works on a just begun jigsaw puzzle on the floor. Hegrabs a piece from a tidy stack. Twirls it, inspects it.

He peeks at his laptop. His eye twitches.

INT. HOTEL BAR - NIGHT

Claudette nurses a glass of wine at the bar with MARCEL,40's and dignified, a fellow Researcher.

MARCEL

(in French, subtitled)Time to call it a night, I think.Wouldn't want to be late for thegood doctor in the morning.


God forbid.


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Marcel stands.

MARCEL(in French, subtitled)

You're staying?

CLAUDETTE

(in French, subtitled)Just for a bit.


Are you hoping to get laid?

Claudette snorts mock indignation. Marcel chuckles.


Alright. Good night, then. Havefun tomorrow.

CLAUDETTETu aussi. Bon nuit, Marcel.

A quick exchange of pecks and Marcel leaves. A male PATRONin a disheveled suit slides into his place.

PATRONHello, doll. Can I refresh your drink?

Claudette turns to Marcel, who gives a thumbs up. Shescowls as he ducks out.

PATRONI couldn't help hearin' you andyour friend. You're French, right?Is it true that French women don'tlike to shave, y'know, down there?

CLAUDETTEErm ... Pardonnez-moi, I must usethe comfort room.

PATRONSure thing, doll. I'll keep your

seat warm.

Patron gives a suggestive wink as Claudette retreats to theladies' room.

INT. LOOFE'S HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

The laptop lands in in a drawer full of neatly folded clothes.


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Loofe inspects himself in a mirror. He checks his hair,tucks his polo a little snugger into his chinos. He spotshis photo with Meredith and freezes.

LOOFEWhat?!

The picture's quickly tossed into in a drawer.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - NIGHT

Loofe walks, talks on his cell.

INT. LOOFE HOME - KITCHEN - SAME

MR. GIEST, 40's, tall and reed thin, white as his caregiver'soutfit, picks up.


MR. GIESTHello?

LOOFEMister Giest, it's Alan. How'sMama doing?

Mr. Giest peers through the window into the backyard.

On a lawn chair in the middle of the yard, knitting, is MamaLoofe. She's aged well, retaining her welcoming smile andtight, albeit grayer, head of curls. Her eyes float up to

the sky.MR. GIEST

The same as always, sir.

LOOFEGood. Don't let her stay out toolate, alright? And make sure shetakes her pills. And give her ablanket if it gets cold.

MR. GIESTOf course, sir.

Loofe hangs up as he reaches the elevator.


Loofe bumps into the Patron as he staggers out.


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PATRONGoddamn cock-teasing ...

(to Loofe)Are you French?

Loofe shakes his head.

PATRONDon't trust 'em. They'll fuck ya.

The Patron exits.

Loofe turns his attention to the room. It's the usual mixof wearied business people, socks-and-sandals tourists, andlocal barflies. But then, in the corner --

Marie, the flight attendant, and her co-worker GWEN, kickback in jeans and slinky tops. Marie sips her cosmo andyawns. She looks up and spots Loofe. Recognizes him andperks up.

MARIEHey.

Loofe returns the smile. He brushes lint from his sleeveand heads over.

AT MARIE'S TABLE

Loofe approaches, confident.

MARIE

Hi. Small world. Are you stayingin this hotel?

LOOFEYes. You too I assume?

MARIEMm-hmm. We're in turnaround.Gotta couple of hours to killbefore heading back, so, you know.Thought we may as well tear up thetown.

GWEN(dead-pan)Arizona. Woo-freaking-hoo.

MARIEI dunno. Thing's are starting tolook up.

Marie slugs her drink and hands Gwen the glass.


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MARIEGwen, sugar, would you mindrefreshing this? Pronto, beforethe buzz goes away.

She gives Loofe a wink.

Gwen's eyes dart from Marie to Loofe, and back again.

GWENYeah. Sure. I guess.

MARIE(to Loofe)

How 'bout you, red? What's yourpoison?

LOOFEWell, let's see ...

(to Gwen)I'll have a wine cooler. Chardonnayblend. Peach, if they've got it.

GWENYou want an umbrella with that?

Loofe, oblivious to Gwen's quip, helps himself to a seat.Gwen trudges to the bar.

LOOFEIt must be nice to have someone getyour drink for a change.

MARIEYou mean my serving wench? Oh yeah,she's great. A total bitch, but great.

She extends her hand. He takes it.

MARIEI'm Marie, by the way. And you are?

LOOFEAlan. It's a pleasure to meet you.Again.

AT THE LADIES' ROOM

The door opens a crack. Claudette peers toward the bar.The Patron is gone.

CLAUDETTE(relieved)

Dieu soit lou.


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She checks the rest of the room. She spots Loofe, talkingwith Marie.

AT MARIE'S TABLE

Marie, both elbows on the table, leans closer to Loofe.

MARIESo you're a writer. Wow. Have youwritten anything I would'a read?

LOOFEPerhaps. Are you familiar with"The Amalgamated Man"?

MARIEIt's only one of my favorite movies!Oh my god, you wrote that? That'sawesome! I cried so hard at theend when the boy's father returnedand told him that he was really --

LOOFENo, no, I didn't write the movie.Someone else did that. But I didwrite the book it was based on.

Disappointment flashes across Marie's face.

MARIEOh yeah? What was it called?

LOOFEBy strange coincidence, it was alsotitled "The Amalgamated Man."

MARIENo kidding? Imagine that. Really,there was a book?

LOOFEYes, before the movie. It didreally well, actually. It spenteighteen weeks on the charts.

Gwen returns with the drinks.

MARIEHey Gwen, guess what? Alan herewrote "The Amalgamated Man."

GWEN(suddenly impressed)

Fuck off. I love that movie.


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AT THE LADIES' ROOM

Claudette, transfixed, watches Marie's hand slide off thetable. Onto Loofe's knee. He grabs it, pulls it up to his --

Claudette recoils. She pushes her glasses firm against thebridge of her nose and bolts. Smack. She runs directly

into another customer. Both hit the floor.

All eyes, including Loofe's, are suddenly upon her.

EXT. CLAUDETTE'S BALCONY - NIGHT

Claudette takes a deep drag on a cigarette. She blows aring, watches it drift with the wind.

CLAUDETTEAu revoir, mon ami. Au revoir.

She spots something through the ring. Across the courtyard.In a room in the opposite wing of the hotel.


Like a pair of hormone crazed teens, Loofe and Marie tumbleinto bed. She gnaws his ear.

LOOFEWhat about your friend? What didyou call her? The wench.

MARIE

Gwen? Fuck her.LOOFE

Serious?

Marie laughs. They roll off the bed and land with a thud.

EXT. CLAUDETTE'S BALCONY - NIGHT

Claudette snorts, disgusted. She stubs her cigarette andretreats inside.

INT. CLAUDETTE'S HOTEL ROOM - CONTINUOUS

The balcony drapes close with conviction.

Claudette grabs the TV remote off a table laden with gearand supplies. She tears through a dozen channels.


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COMMERCIAL VOICE (V.O.)Up next, Pascale Bertolo searchesfor the fabled headhunters ofSarawak --

Click. Claudette crosses her arms, thinks a moment. Whatto do, what to do?

She takes a step toward the balcony, then another. Shepokes her head through the drapes. With a free hand, shereaches blindly for a nearby pair of binoculars.


Marie crawls into bed as Loofe rises from the floor. Shesucks suggestively on her finger.

MARIEC'mon stud. My flight leaves intwo hours.

Loofe grins like a kid at Christmas.

LOOFEPerfect.

He slides the drapes closed and dives into bed.

INT. LOOFE'S HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DAY

Loofe, freshly showered, arranges grooming products on thecounter. Largest to smallest first. Then alphabetically.

INT. HOTEL HALLWAY - DAY

Loofe, his slacks tucked securely into a pair of hip waders,flips the sign on his door to "Do Not Disturb."

EXT. MARSHY OUTSKIRTS - DAY

Loofe navigates a field of exploded frog carcasses. Hesnaps pictures and speaks into a voice recorder as he walks.

LOOFEPrologue. Our hero wakes. He

opens his eyes to utter carnage.It's a gruesome scene. A macabreBangsian fantasy. Or something outof Dante's Inferno.

(MORE)


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LOOFE (CONT'D)(pauses recorder)

No. That doesn't work.(thinks, then starts again)

Shards of life, excoriated life ...discarded, expunged ... strewnacross the barren landscape like,

like refuse from the heavens.

He replays the recording and listens.

LOOFERefuse from the heavens?

(pained)Fuck me.

He takes a step and splashes knee deep in mud.

LOOFEFuck me!

As Loofe frantically wipes off the goo, something catcheshis attention.

FURTHER ON

Claudette, in muddied coveralls, kneels before a carcass.She pulls a baggy from her pocket and stuffs the gooey bitsinside. Squishy noises approach and she spins.

LOOFEHi. Oh, it's you. I'm sorry, I

didn't mean to startle --(sees the baggy)What are you doing?

CLAUDETTECollecting samples. What are youdoing?

LOOFEResearch. I'm a writer. I'mresearching a book.

CLAUDETTE

I am 'appy for you. I am doingresearch as well. Please do notdisturb my specimens.

Loofe scans the dead frogs. Claudette stands and continues on.


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LOOFE(follows)

Hey, wait a second. What are yoursamples for?

CLAUDETTETo study. I am a 'ermaphrodite.

LOOFEExcuse me?

Claudette pauses, thinks.

CLAUDETTENo, that is not the right word. Iforget how to say in English. Iwork with frogs and toads.

She points to a large tent nearby.

CLAUDETTEThat is my camp.

LOOFEOh. I see. You think maybe I cantake a look?

INT. RESEARCH TENT - DAY

A small table and various lab equipment cram the tiny space.Loofe watches Claudette pack remains into a small freezer.

CLAUDETTESo do you make real books, monsieur...?

LOOFELoofe. Alan Loofe. But you cancall me Alan.

CLAUDETTEMonsieur Loofe. Or do you makemake-believe?

LOOFE

Make-believe? Ah, fiction. Yes,I'm a novelist. That's why I'mhere, actually. When I heard thatthe frogs were going all, you know,boom, well ... It's a fascinatingmystery, don't you think?


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CLAUDETTEYou think so? That is curious. Itis not normal to meet someone withpassion for such things.

LOOFEI'm a very passionate person. So

what about you? What's your story,miss ...?

CLAUDETTEMontfort. And I 'ave no story. Iam simply 'ere for the science. Itis my life.

LOOFEWell, that's a shame.

CLAUDETTEHein?

LOOFEI mean, I see. That's verydedicated of you. You can get allyour work done in this little tent?

CLAUDETTENo. I only collect samples here.We 'ave a building in the city forthe research.

LOOFE

I see. May I see it?INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - DAY

Complex machinery blinks and whirrs in every corner of thehuge space. Researchers buzz all around. Loofe gapes asClaudette guides him through the controlled chaos.

Marcel spots Claudette from his workstation and gives anapproving wink. She looks away, indignant.

LOOFEThis is very impressive. What are

those?

He nods at a bank of massive plexiglas enclosures snakingdown one wall.


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CLAUDETTEThey are where we keep the controlsamples. We design them to copythe home of the animal, so they are'appy. We 'ave one for eachspecies.

(points)

Bufo woodhousii, rana catesbeiana,bufo punctatis, and more. You wishto see?

Loofe nods. They go for a closer look.

Thousands upon thousands of frogs and toads leap, squirm,splash in zoo-like exhibits.

LOOFEMay I?

Loofe takes a picture.

A deafening klaxon explodes -- WEEE-AH-WEEE-AH. Everyonefreezes. The animals go crazy.

Loofe reflexively covers his ears as several BIO-SUITED MENflood the area. They rush a nearby workstation, where aResearcher reels on the floor, babbling gibberish. Agreenish-brown toad struggles to escape from his hands.

The Bio-Suited Men carefully pry the animal free and placeit in a cage.

CLAUDETTE(to Loofe)Bufo alvarius. the Sonoran DesertToad. Very dangerous. Very.Dangerous. It will make a verygood star for your book, I think.

The siren stops. Heavy footsteps approach quickly. A hushfalls as Lachaine inspects the scene. His lower lip curlsinto a deep frown.

LACHAINE(in French, subtitled,

to Bio-Suited Men)I want him on a plane to France bytonight. Make sure his luggage islost.

Lachaine stomps off. The Bio-Suited Men drag the Researcheraway.


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CLAUDETTE(sober)

Such a pity.(suddenly cheery)

Okay, time for a break.

BREAK ROOM - LATER

Claudette hands Loofe a cup of coffee, then grabs anotherfor herself. They take a table in the spartan, deserted room.

LOOFEYou're serious? You're telling methat the frog that man was holdingcan kill a person?

CLAUDETTEIt is a toad, not a frog. And yes,with enough of them, possibly,maybe. But with just a few, theywill make you ... insens. Crazy.

LOOFEThat's unbelievable. I'll have tobe careful not to kiss any of them,then.

Claudette chokes on her drink.

CLAUDETTEW-why would you do that? Are you sick?

LOOFESick? Oh, no, I was making a joke.By kiss the frog I meant, well, youknow ... like the fairy tale.You're not familiar with it?

CLAUDETTEI am unfamiliar with your Americantales of bestiality.

LOOFEIt's not bestiality, it's --

LACHAINE (O.S.)Claudette, qu'est que c'est?

Claudette nearly drops her cup as Lachaine strides into theroom, tailed by a Researcher.


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Why are you not gathering myinnards? And who is this man?

The Researcher eyes Loofe, then Claudette, with surprise.


This is Alan Loofe, Doctor. A veryimportant American writer.

LACHAINE(suddenly excited)

La presse?

CLAUDETTENon, Docteur.

Lachaine scowls at Loofe. Loofe scowls back.

LACHAINE(to Loofe)

Get out.

Lachaine spins and stomps away, Researcher at his heels.Claudette clears the coffee cups and shoos Loofe to the door.

CLAUDETTEIt is time for me to go back to theswamp.

LOOFEWait. I'd really love a chance tocontinue this conversation. Maybetonight? Over dinner?

CLAUDETTENo, I am sorry, I cannot.

Loofe pulls out a business card. Puts it in her hand.

LOOFEYou can reach me at that number ifyou think you'll be free. Alright?

Claudette mulls the offer.


Claudette peers through a microscope as Marcel toys with anapparatus.

THEIR CONVERSATION IS IN FRENCH, WITH SUBTITLES.


26/103


27/103

26.

CLAUDETTE(offended)

Who thinks I'm queer?

Marcel folds him arms and shrugs. Claudette slams thecooler and shoves it at his chest.

EXT. LONDON BRIDGE - DAY

Loofe admires a trio of attractive young women as they pass.A MUFFLED VOICE calls him from behind.

MUFFLED VOICE (O.S.)Hey, mister.

Loofe turns, comes face-to-face with a tacky ALIEN costume.Loofe looks him up and down.

ALIENWant a picture with a genuineMartian? Only ten Earth bucks.

LOOFENow what is a genuine Martian doingin the middle of the Arizona desert?And why does he need my Earth money?And where is his spaceship?

ALIENOuch. You cut me to the quick,dude. Okay, you got me. Live longand prosper ...

The Alien waddles away.

ALIEN... asshole.

Loofe's cell rings.

LOOFEYes.

(perks up)Oh. Hello.

INT. BISTRO - NIGHT

Claudette fidgets across a cozy table from Loofe. She'spretty. He's immaculate. Diners talk in hushed whispersaround them.

CLAUDETTEYou look very 'andsome.


28/103

27.

LOOFEThank you. You look great, too.

Loofe notices misaligned cutlery at Claudette's setting.His eye twitches.

LOOFE

Who's that?

Loofe looks to the door. Claudette falls for the feint.Loofe quickly fixes her setting.

CLAUDETTEWho?

She turns back.

LOOFENo one. My mistake. I'm reallyglad you changed your mind.

CLAUDETTEMe too. I 'ave much informationfor your book. I think you willfind it useful. Shall we get tobusiness?

LOOFEAbsolutely. Let's get to business.Serious, serious business.

He waves at a passing WAITER.

LOOFEExcuse me, what do you have in theway of champagne?

EXT. LONDON BRIDGE - NIGHT

It's a beautiful, crisp desert night. Loofe and Claudettestroll the deserted bridge.

CLAUDETTE-- and after that we 'ave no choicebut to return to Chiz. The

embarrassment nearly ruin DoctorLachaine. We 'ave been waiting foranother opportunity ever since.

LOOFEI see.


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28.

CLAUDETTEEveryone is told to believe thatbirds did it. That birds are theanswer. But we -- Dr. Lachaine, me,the others -- we know better. Tellme, Alan if you were a 'elplesstoad, would you sit still while a

big, ugly crow poked a hole in yourtummy to eat your liver?

LOOFEProbably not. Not if I was stillusing it, no.

CLAUDETTEExactement. You understand.Something else is going on.Something ... mysterious.

Claudette darts down a flight of stairs to the:

RIVERBANK

Claudette scans the darkness as Loofe catches up.

CLAUDETTEIt is so beautiful, no? And yet,so sad. Think of all the poorlittle creatures out there rightnow, just, popping. Boom. Boomboom ...

She gazes expectantly at Loofe, her eyes suddenly wellingwith tears.

LOOFEBoom?

CLAUDETTEYou can 'ear them too, Alan? Youknow, it is not often I findsomeone who understands. Who feelas I feel. It is nice not to carealone.

Claudette smiles, shivers.

CLAUDETTEIt is cold, and I 'ave had too muchwine. We should go to bed, no?

She scampers off.


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29.

LOOFENo. I mean, yes. Absolutely.

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

As they near the entrance, Claudette presses her handagainst Loofe's chest.

CLAUDETTEI think this is where we say bon soir.

LOOFEHere? But, I thought --

Claudette reads Loofe's face. And understands.

CLAUDETTEI am sorry, Alan, but I am not oneof your fast American girls gone crazy.

LOOFEWild. It's girls gone wild. Notcrazy.

CLAUDETTEWild, crazy, it does not matter. Iprefer my sanity.

LOOFESanity's overrated. A little crazycan be good sometimes. You shouldtry it.

Loofe goes for a kiss. Claudette skillfully dodges it.

CLAUDETTEAh, yes, I forget. You prefer themake believe, oui?

Loofe shrugs.

CLAUDETTEThank you for the lovely supper.

She gives him a peck on each cheek, the second lingering an

extra heartbeat, then goes inside. She gives a quick waveand heads for the elevator.

LOOFESanity, huh.

Loofe frowns. It turns into a smirk.


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30.

LOOFEWe'll see.

His cell buzzes. Another text: "Times up. Gil."

EXT. ANTARCTICA - DAY

A rookerie of penguins gather on the ice, beneath perpetualtwilight. The noise is deafening.

SUBTITLE: "MEANWHILE. SOUTH OF THE ANTARCTIC PENINSULA."

Several birds flee. Something's spooking them.

A FIGURE emerges, hulking, ensconced in a gigantic snowsuitand goggles. Lugging a video camera and tripod. This isPASCALE BERTOLO, late 30's.

Pascale pursues the penguins up a ridge, trips, and tumblesover the other side.


Morning sun pokes through drawn curtains. The telephone RINGS.

Loofe, in bed, drags the receiver to his pillow.

LOOFEYes ...?

GIL (V.O.)Aha. Gotcha!


A small crowd circles a table of complimentary pastries.Loofe gives them a quick glance as he crosses the lobby.

TINA (O.S.)Mister Loofe? Mister Loofe?There's a package here for you.

Tina's heels clippity-clop against the floor as she runs over.

TINA

From that pretty French lady. Shedropped it off this morning. Saidshe didn't know your room number,and asked that I give it to you.She said it was very important.

She hands him a small gift box, then hovers as he opens it.


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31.

Loofe pulls out a tiny porcelain figurine - ananthropomorphic dancing frog in top hat and tails. Withnote attached.

TINAHow absolutely precious! I thinksomebody likes you.

A scuffle breaks out at the pastry table.

TINAOops, duty calls.

(to the crowd)People, please, there's plenty ofmuffins to go around. People!Show some decorum!

Tina dashes away. Loofe reads the note

CLAUDETTE (V.O.)My dearest Alan, thank you for thelovely time last night. You arevery kind and very uptight --

LOOFEUptight?

CLAUDETTE (V.O.)I believe we share the same spirit.Please accept this gift from onewho thinks as you. I 'ope to seeyou again soon. Yours, Claudette.

Loofe palms the figurine and chuckles.

EXT. OUTDOOR CAF - DAY

GIL BANK, early 40's, swelters in an Italian suit andoversized designer shades. He swats at a large mosquito.Loofe watches, amused, across the table.

GILSo what's the big idea, you skippin'to Blisterville Arizona withouttellin' me?

LOOFEI had to get away for a while. L.A.was getting too ... busy.

GILSo you picked this place? Somethingwrong with Tahiti?


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32.

Loofe rolls his eyes.

GILI saw her, y'know. I had to. Tofind you. God, what a mess. Allrunny mascara and tears. Hairmussed like she just got outta bed.

Chest heavin' ...(ponders)

Fuck, she was hot. Hot! So whatwas it this time? Paint?

Loofe ignores the question. Gil pulls a slip of paper fromhis pocket and lays it on the table.

LOOFEWhat's that?

GILThe offer. For "Amalgamated Man 2".I had Sturges put it in writing'cause I knew you wouldn't believe me.

Loofe takes it and looks.

LOOFEWow.

GILYeah. Don't tell me that won'tcome in handy. Royalties only goso far.

Loofe hesitates, then slides the slip of paper back.

LOOFEI've told you already, I don't wantto do "Amalgamated Man 2". Thatwhole experience was just too ...

(searches for the words)... personal.

GILYou don't know what you're throwin'away, pal. You really don't.

Gil takes the slip.

LOOFETell you what. You tell those guysI'll take half that offer -- makethat a tenth -- make that aquarter -- and they can have mynext story.


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33.

GILNext story? You're writing something?

Loofe nods.

GILWhat's it about? Is it commercial?

Will it sell?

LOOFEI couldn't tell you that. It's tooearly in the process. I still havea lot of little things to figure out.

GILI can't go to them with nothing.C'mon.

Loofe takes a deep breath, steels himself.

LOOFEIt's about frogs.

Gil waits for the punchline. When it doesn't come, he knitshis brow, confused.

LOOFEBut I think they'll like it. Theywill like it. I can have anoutline ready in about three orfour weeks.

Gil chuckles, disbelieving.GIL

You want me to sell 'em a movieabout frogs? Are there squirrelsand monkeys in there, too?

LOOFEDon't be an asshole. It's not justabout frogs. It's surreal, it'swild, it's everything they likedabout "Amalgamated Man" except more.They'll like it. Trust me.

Gil removes his sunglasses and massages his brow.

GILSerious? No bullshit? Frogs?

Loofe nods. Gil sighs, resigned.


35/103

34.

GILOkay, Alan, I'll see what I can do.I 'll see. But I'm not promisinganything.

The mosquito lands on Gil's face. He spasms wildly, almosttopples backward.

GILOw! Fucker bit my eye!


Loofe opens his laptop. A chorus of chirps and whistlesgreets him.

He digs into his pocket and pulls out Claudette's gift. Heputs the dancing frog down. Stares at it with reneweddetermination. He begins typing.

INT. PASCALE'S BIVOUAC - DAY

Heavy wind ripples a heavy-duty tent. Supplies everywhere.Atop a cot, a laptop lies open. A news ticker announces abizarre incident in Lake Havasu - local frogs are explodingfor no apparent reason.

Pascale scampers in and shakes off the snow. Stomps pastthe laptop and stops. Passes again, and stops.

Suddenly, Pascale's gloved hand snatches up the computer.

INT. RESEARCH TENT - DAYClaudette, sweaty in a smock and safety goggles, dissects atoad. Her cell, lying nearby, rings. She mashes buttonswith her elbow.

CLAUDETTEAllo? Allo?

LOOFE (V.O.)Thank you for the gift.

CLAUDETTE

Hol, Alan! How are you? You likeit, yes?

INT. LOOFE'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Loofe smiles easily as he talks on the phone.


36/103

35.


LOOFEYes. It's coming in very handy.It's very ...

He glances at the frog.

LOOFE... inspirational. Listen, I stillhave a bit more I want to do here,but how about getting togetheragain? Is there a chance I caninterest you in another dinner?

CLAUDETTEI would love it!

Claudette makes an incision. Innards spurt everywhere.

CLAUDETTEB-but, I am afraid I cannot. Istill 'ave much work to do. I amvery sorry.

LOOFEHow about later, then? Drinks inthe lobby before bed?

Claudette mulls the offer.

CLAUDETTE

Later? Hmmm ... D'accord. Thatsounds very good. I will call youonce I am finished?

LOOFEI look forward to it. I'll see youtonight.

CLAUDETTEOui. See you tonight.

END INTERCUT

Claudette hangs up. Almost immediately, the phone ringsagain. She answers.

CLAUDETTEAllo?


37/103

36.

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - SAME

Lachaine, on a catwalk high above the lab floor, talks intohis cell.



LACHAINEClaudette? That imbecile Nodierruined our supply of fieldspecimens. Prepare two dozensamples at once. I'll send adriver over immediately.

CLAUDETTEImpossible, Doctor, I don't havethat many samples ready.

LACHAINEThen make them ready, you silly,stupid girl.

CLAUDETTEBut Doctor, it's almost evening.I'm supposed to meet someone in afew hours.

LACHAINEMy reputation is at stake, and allyou can think about is your lesbian

lover?CLAUDETTE

Lesbian lover?

LACHAINEJust do as I say!

END INTERCUT

Click.

CLAUDETTE

Doctor? Doctor Lachaine?

Claudette swipes her cell aside. She glowers at theeviscerated frog on the table.


Silly, stupid ... hor d'oeuvres.Merde.


38/103


39/103


40/103

39.


Loofe slugs a peach cooler. He glances at his watch. It'salmost eleven.

The BARTENDER nods at him.

BARTENDERLast call, pal. We're closin' in afew minutes.

LOOFEGood for you. How about you be agood boy and get me another cooler?Peach.

Loofe pulls out his cell and dials.

INT. CLAUDETTE'S HOTEL ROOM - SAME

Claudette's cell rings. Sprawled in bed, half-dressed andout cold, Claudette doesn't hear.

INT. HOTEL BAR - SAME

Loofe grimaces.

LOOFEBitch.

EXT. A SHIP - NIGHT

A violent gale blows. Thirty foot swells threaten tocapsize a lone freighter plowing its way north.

A MATE sends DECKHANDS scrambling across the deck.

MATEClear those scuppers, chaps, orit's the locker for the lot of us!

AT THE BOW

A towering figure, bundled head-to-toe against the drivingrain, stands at the railing. It's Pascale. Defiant.


Loofe hovers at the pastry table. A Man shoots a dirty lookas Loofe picks up a muffin.


41/103

40.

LOOFE(scowls)

Mine. You want to to makesomething of it?

The Man sulks away. Claudette approaches, tentative.

CLAUDETTEAlan? Good morning. About lastnight, I am very sorry.

Loofe ignores her.

CLAUDETTEAre you not talking to me? Alan?I am trying to explain.

Loofe turns to her. He reaches, as if to take her hand --

LOOFEExcuse me.

-- and grabs packets of jam from the bowl beside her. Heleaves.

CLAUDETTE(miffed)

Fais-moi des vacances!


Loofe stares at his laptop. The well's dry again.

LOOFEStupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

He skims what he's written. Screen after screen of wordscomes to an abrupt end.

The phone rings. He picks up.

LOOFEWhat?

INT. GIL'S OFFICE - SAME

The modern office is ultra-chic. Black leather andstainless steel abounds.

Gil, wearing a bluetooth headset and a fencing uniform,stands as a TAILOR makes adjustments.


42/103

41.


GIL(grins wide)

Hey, it's me. I've got good newsfor ya, pal. Great news.

LOOFEGood. I could use some.

GILWell then, hold onto your hat,'cause you're gonna love this.

(pauses dramatically)I did it. I sold your goddamn story!

LOOFEWhat? You asshole.

GILOkay, not your story per se, 'causethere ain't one yet. But the suitslove you. They absolutely love you.And they can't wait to see whatyour demented little brain came upwith --

(realization)Did you say something?

LOOFEI can't believe this.

GILMe neither. Who'd a thought?Selling a story that doesn't evenexist yet. Super agent strikesagain, right? I should get afuckin' "S" sewn on my shirt.

(to Tailor)Is that possible? Can I get an "S"on the shirt?

TAILORIt'll take some work, but I don'tsee why not.

LOOFEWhich part of 'I need a couple moreweeks' didn't you understand?


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42.

GILSo I jumped the gun a bit. Sue me.When can you have something ready?They're dyin' to see what you'vegot. I told 'em it'd be wild. Wild!

LOOFE

Alright, let me rephrase thesituation so you can understand.I'm nowhere close to finishing.I've got a beginning, somesemblance of a middle, and noending. I've got an outline withholes, and a plot that doesn'tconnect. Is that clear enough for you?

GILJesus, that sounds bad.

Loofe groans.

GILOkay, look, I need you to just getit done. Okay? I'm stickin' myneck out for you, pal. Both mycareer and my beach-house in Malibuare on the line.

LOOFEYou don't have a beach-house in Malibu.

GIL

Exactly. And that won't changeunless you give me something.

The Tailor cinches Gil's breeches. Tight.

GIL(agonized)

Junk! Watch the junk!

He drops to the floor and yelps out the door.

GILHanna. Call emergency.

A young woman's voice responds.

HANNA (O.S.)You've got hands. Call 'emyourself. Sheesh.


44/103

43.

END INTERCUT

The line goes dead.

LOOFEGil? Hello, Gil?

Loofe glowers at the dancing frog on his desk.


Claudette's hard at work as Loofe barges in.

LOOFEAlright, give me your lie. Make ita good one.

CLAUDETTE(surprised)

Pardon?

LOOFEI know to you French, rudeness isas second nature as cheese andhairy armpits. But here in America,we consider it bad manners to standsomeone up. I'm sure you've gotsome flimsy excuse ready to go, solet me have it.

CLAUDETTEI was not being rude. I was sleeping.

LOOFEBullshit.

Claudette shoots him a snitty look.

CLAUDETTEYou are the one who is rude. Andstupid. Get out.

LOOFENo.

CLAUDETTENo? Okay, then I will go.

She grabs her gear. Loofe blocks the exit.

CLAUDETTETu me fais chier! Va te faire foutre!

Claudette shoves her way out.


45/103

44.

LOOFEWhat the hell are you saying?

EXT. MARSHY OUTSKIRTS - CONTINUOUS

Loofe chases Claudette as the sun dips to the horizon. Shesees him following and walks faster.

LOOFEStop running. I really hate itwhen people run away from me.

CLAUDETTEC'est quoi ton problme?

LOOFEAnd can you stop with the French?How am I supposed to argue with youwhen I can't understand a wordyou're saying?

Claudette stops. Confronts him with fire in her eyes.

CLAUDETTEWhat is it you want, Alan?

He stands toe-to-toe with her. Eyes her fiercely.

CLAUDETTEWhat do you want from me?

Loofe's face softens. He grabs Claudette roughly by the

shoulders and kisses her. Hard. She pulls away and slaps him.CLAUDETTE

Bastard! You understand me now?

She whips off her glasses and kisses him ravenously. As thesunset smolders in the distance, they sink to the mud in atight embrace.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)How 'bout your mother? How did shereact to your Father leaving?

INT. LOOFE HOME - LOOFE'S ROOM - NIGHT (1977)

A sunset burns outside the window. Inside, Young Loofefinishes a jigsaw puzzle. Only one piece to go. But whereis it?


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45.

IN THE LIVING ROOM

Fireside in the dimly lit room, Mama Loofe sits hunched oversomething unseen.

LOOFE (V/O)Not well. She was in denial for a

long, long time.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Could you explain that?

Young Loofe sneaks in. Mama Loofe senses him without looking.

MAMA LOOFEIsn't it a little late for you tobe up?

YOUNG LOOFEOne of my pieces is missing. Whatare you doing, Mama?

Mama Loofe smiles and waves her son over.

MAMA LOOFECome have a look, baby.

Young Loofe scampers over. Mama Loofe proudly reveals:

A diorama, an exact 1/25 scale duplicate of their house.The scene is a pleasant backyard garden party, with thepeople represented by alien shaped cookies. Mama Loofe

points them out.MAMA LOOFE

That green one there is you. Thepretty one with the antennas is me.The dark ones by the fence are yourAunt Marcy and cousin Jimmy. Andthe one with the big round head isyour Uncle Ned. You like?

YOUNG LOOFEUh-huh. But I don't like Uncle Ned,Mama. He always cheats at checkers.

MAMA LOOFEHe does? That's not very nice.

Mama Loofe picks up Uncle Ned and gives it to her son. Hemunches it happily.


47/103

46.

YOUNG LOOFE(through a mouthfulof crumbs)

Where's Papa?

Mama Loofe picks up a long, thin cookie with a bright orangehead.

MAMA LOOFEHe's right here, baby. We'llfigure out where to put him when hegets back from his trip. Untilthen ...

She puts the Papa Loofe cookie in a saucer and sets it aside.

MAMA LOOFE... we'll keep him safe in here.

Mother and son hug.

END FLASHBACK - 1977

EXT. LAKE HAVASU SKYLINE - DAY

Storm clouds roll into a previously cloudless sky.

SUBTITLE: "TWO WEEKS AGO"

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

A cab pulls up to the entrance as a light rain begins to fall.

INT. HOTEL FRONT DESK - DAY

A mammoth shadow falls over Bart as he does paperwork. Helooks up. Shrinks like a frightened puppy.

PASCALE (O.S.)(raspy)

A room?

Bart smiles weakly.

BART

D-do you have a r-reservation?


Loofe reclines in bed, typing on his laptop, as Claudetteemerges from the bathroom. She pulls on her coveralls.

LOOFEMust you go already, darling?


48/103

47.

CLAUDETTEThe early bird gets the ranayavapaiensis. But I will return asearly as possible, chri.

LOOFEGreat. You didn't move the shampoo,

did you?

She smiles and gives him a kiss.

LOOFEDon't forget about Mantini'stonight. I made our reservationsfor seven.

CLAUDETTEHow can I possibly forget our onemonth anniversary? The best monthof my life. C'est top!

She reads the confusion on his face.

CLAUDETTEIt means "good."

LOOFEAh, good. Oui oui. C'est top!

(mangled)Au revoir, ma petite chou.

CLAUDETTE

(gleeful)Alors! My Loofie has been practicing.

LOOFE(proud)

I have. It was good?

CLAUDETTENo. That was 'orrid, but keeptrying. Adieu, mon minet.

Claudette leaves. Loofe happily gets back to work.

EXT. MARSHY OUTSKIRTS - DAY

In a light drizzle, Claudette and Marcel do a round of themarsh, collecting frog bits. There's more carnage than ever.



49/103

48.

CLAUDETTEI don't understand, I can barelykeep up anymore. Hamburg was neverlike this. Nor was Lasby. Am Iwrong, Marcel?

MARCEL

Not in the least. We're all at aloss. Nodier was here all nightand swears he didn't see anything.And even Lachaine -- he's avoidingthe press, can you believe it? Hejust sulks in his office, day afterday, hour after hour. He's eitherhiding ...

(pauses for effect)-- or he's turned into a blood-sucking creature of the night.

He gives Claudette a knowing glance.

CLAUDETTE AND MARCELWhich would be an improvement.

They laugh.

CLAUDETTEThank you for helping me.

MARCELNot at all, dearest. It's my pleasure.

Marcel picks up a particularly desiccated corpse andscrunches his nose.

MARCELNow, let's talk about somethingmore pleasant, shall we? How'syour American? Judging from thesmile on your face every morning,it's going well?

CLAUDETTEBetter than well. Everything iswonderful. I never thought any man

could make me so ...(hugs herself)... happy.

MARCELGood. I'm glad you've foundsomething to love other than ...

He grabs another frog.


50/103

49.

Something catches Claudette's eye.

CLAUDETTEWhat's that?

She points to the distance.

FURTHER ON

Claudette and Marcel slog towards a large, hooded figure ina raincoat, crouched in the mud.

CLAUDETTEAllo? Allo?

No response.

CLAUDETTEAllo? Can you hear me? Allo?

They stop a few feet from the imposing mass.


Maybe he's deaf. Or dumb. Or both.

The figure spins to face them. It's Pascale, weather-beaten,grizzled face hidden behind dark goggles.

PASCALE(raspy, with a hintof an accent)

I am neither, seor.INT. MANTINI'S - NIGHT

Loofe waits at a table in the intimate, fine diningrestaurant. He checks his watch as Claudette dashes in andsits.

LOOFEYou're late. I was getting worried.

CLAUDETTEI know. I am sorry. But you will

never guess what 'appen to me,chri. Something very exciting. Imet someone this afternoon. In theswamp.

LOOFEReally?


51/103

50.

CLAUDETTEOui. A filmmaker. Making, whatyou call it? Une documentaire?

LOOFEA documentary?

CLAUDETTEOui. He is in town making a movieabout my toads.

Claudette grabs a bread stick.

CLAUDETTE(excited, between bites)

He was very interested when I told'im that I am working on the samething as well. We talk for hoursand hours, about work, abouteverything. It was amazing. I'ave asked 'im to come here, forsupper.

LOOFEWhat? Here? Tonight? With us?

CLAUDETTEOui. You do not mind, no? He isbrilliant. You will like 'im.

LOOFEBut sweetheart, tonight's special --

The front door opens.

CLAUDETTEHe is here?

They both look. A freakishly tall, big-boned WOMAN in anoutdated floral dress enters and looks around.

CLAUDETTEOops.

(back to Loofe)I am too excited. I cannot wait

for you to meet 'im.

WOMAN (O.S.)Claudette?

CLAUDETTEOui?

Claudette looks up at the approaching Woman and double-takes.


52/103

51.

CLAUDETTEPascale?

(jaw drops)Mon dieu, you are a woman?

Loofe watches, befuddled, as Pascale takes a seat.

PASCALEStrange, that is the same thing theclerk at the shop said when Ibought this dress.

(looks at Loofe)And who are you?

CLAUDETTE(dazed)

Pascale, this is Alan ... Alan ...

LOOFELoofe.

(shakes Pascale's hand)It's nice to meet you.

Pascale gives Loofe's hand a firm scrunch. Loofe winces.

CLAUDETTEPardon my surprise, Pascale, butyou look so ... different.

PASCALEI understand. It's my frock, isn'tit? It's making me so self-

conscious, it's embarrassing. It'snot very often I get to wear suchfinery.

CLAUDETTEMais non, it is not that. Yourfeatures ...

PASCALEAh, yes. I have my father'sCatalan cheekbones.

CLAUDETTE

And your voice?

PASCALEAn unfortunate souvenir from mylast trek through the Himalayas. Ifoolishly dared to venture up LambaPahar without the O2 and developedKhumbu cough.

(MORE)


53/103

52.

PASCALE (CONT'D)Fortunately, my team of Sherpas --clever, devious little monkeys theyare -- were able to fashion agurney from my underclothes and atripod, and brought me down beforeirreparable damage was done. But

the experience was horrible, horrible.

CLAUDETTEWow-wee. I think I understand.

Claudette eyes Pascale with a hint of disappointment. Loofesmiles.

PASCALE(stern, to Loofe)

Are you mocking me, seor? Restassured, altitude sickness isnothing to scoff at. I pray thatyou should never experience theterror of being wracked by a coughso violent as to vomit your owntrachea. The blood. The smell.The taste.

Loofe gags a little.

PASCALEShall we order?

EXT. LONDON BRIDGE - NIGHT

The full moon glows like a gigantic orb. The night iseerily silent.

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Dinner is over. The trio have moved on to dessert. Loofeand Claudette watch as Pascale finishes off a slice of pieand adds the plate to a large stack.

LOOFEGood pie?

PASCALEIt's not the same as eating from atin, but it will do.

CLAUDETTEIf you are ever in Chiz, I willtake you to a boulangerie near myhome. They make these marzipantartlettes -- magnifiques.


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53.

PASCALEThat sounds heavenly, little one.

(to Loofe)So, Alan, how do you spend your day?

LOOFEI'm a novelist.

CLAUDETTELoofie has written -- how you say?A best seller.

PASCALEReally? What's it called?

LOOFE"The Amalgamated Man."

CLAUDETTEYou have heard of it, no?

PASCALEMm-hmm, I think so. It's the storyof a man's search for identity andmeaning in his life, correct?

LOOFE(nods, pleased)

That's it, exactly. You've read it?

PASCALEYes. Contrived piece of shit.

Loofe crashes.

PASCALEBut that's just me. What do I know,anyway? I don't really read thatmuch. Books are too much work. No,I prefer the visceral punch youreceive only from watching thecinema. I love the immediacy of it,you understand?

Claudette nods eagerly.

LOOFENo, I don't. Movies are fine, butwhat about imagination? What aboutthe freedom a writer grants to thereader, to see a story any way theysee fit within their own mind?


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PASCALEIt's the director's job to providethe imagination. The audience ismerely sheep. They have only tosit and absorb whatever I choose toshow them. No, my friends, booksare an antiquated, dying art form.

(to Loofe, feigning concern)But I'm sure you'll be okay. Therewill always be a need for writers.After all, who else will write allthose adorable greeting cards andinstruction manuals and such?

LOOFEGreeting cards? I see. I thinkit's about time I leave you ladiesalone. I'm sure you have plenty todiscuss.

He gives Claudette a kiss.

LOOFEGood night. I'll see you later.

(cold, to Pascale)It was, interesting, meeting you.

Pascale gives Loofe a perfunctory nod. Loofe watches thewomen chat for a second and leaves.

EXT. HAVASU CITY STREET - NIGHT

Loofe takes a leisurely stroll back to the hotel. His cellrings.

LOOFEYes?

INT. STADIUM - SAME

A ROLLERGIRL in a tartan skirt and pads flies past. Apacked house roars. More Rollergirls come - careening,jostling, elbowing for position.

Trackside, on his cell, Gil struggles to be heard.


GILAlan, you're killin' me, pal.Killin' me! Where the hell's thatoutline you promised?


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LOOFEGil?

(hears the crowd)Where are you?

GILNever mind that. You promised

three weeks.

LOOFEIt's not ready yet. I've been ...preoccupied.

GILAw, crap. You're stuck again,aren't you? You're stuck? Grab apen, I'm givin' you Bowlsby'snumber. Give him a call, forChrist's sake!

LOOFEFor the last time, I'm not going toyour shrink. I've just been alittle busy, that's all.

A Rollergirl gets elbowed. She spins, crashes spectacularly,and skids to the track's edge, directly in front of Gil.

GILOh shit!

(to nearby spectator)Betcha that left a mark.

Gil stoops for a closer look.

LOOFEGil? You there?

GILYeah, I'm here! Alan, I stronglysuggest you make yourself un-busy.I'll score you two more weeks,buddy, but that's it. Two weeks!Got it?

LOOFEThanks not good enough. I needmore --

Gil hangs up.

Rollergirl, dazed, looks up and and spots Gil looking up herskirt.


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ROLLERGIRLFilthy pig!

She kicks him in the face. Gil crumples.


Loofe's hard at work writing as Claudette arrives home.

LOOFEWelcome back. You were gone awhile. How was it?

CLAUDETTEIt was very good.

(pensive)You know, chri, aside from theconfusing gender and lack ofsocials skills, Pascale is veryendearing. He is really quitebrilliant.

LOOFEShe is quite brilliant.

CLAUDETTEPardon?

LOOFEYou said 'he.' He's a she.

Claudette reclines on the bed.

CLAUDETTEOh? Of course, you are right.Will you be working all night again?

LOOFEI have to finish this.

CLAUDETTEMy Loofie does not want to ravish me?

LOOFENot right now. I have a deadline.

People are waiting.

CLAUDETTEEven a little? We can play thatgame you like. You can be the liontamer.

Claudette claws the air playfully.


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CLAUDETTERowr-rowr. I am a big, meanpussycat. Rowr.

Loofe cocks a brow.

LOOFE

Let me get my whip.

LATER

Basking in post-coital afterglow, Claudette spoons a drowsyLoofe.

CLAUDETTELoofie, let us play another game.Perhaps the naughty schoolboy andthe mean headmistress?

LOOFEI'm spent. Aren't you tired?

CLAUDETTEMais non. Never too tired for you,my most wonderful, considerate,incredible lover.

LOOFE(chuckles)

Incredible? Thank you for thegenerous compliment.

CLAUDETTEI mean what I say. Every word.

Loofe scoffs.

CLAUDETTEYou do not believe me?

LOOFEYou're sweet, darling, but I'm sureyou've on taken plenty of lovers,with varying degrees of incredible-ness.

CLAUDETTENot really. You are only my second.

Loofe turns to at Claudette with surprise.

LOOFEYour second? Are you serious?


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CLAUDETTEWhat? Did you think I was simple,Alan? Do you think I am a tramp?

LOOFENo, of course not. And it's "easy",not "simple." Of course I don't

think you're a tramp. Just ... French.

CLAUDETTEJust because I am French does notmean I have sex with everybody,Alan. I save myself for someonespecial. You are different. I canfeel it.

She kisses him.

CLAUDETTEI love you, Loofie. When my teamleave, I think I would like to stayhere in America. What do you think?

Loofe flashes wide awake.

EXT. HOTEL - NIGHT

Loofe emerges, suitcase in tow, as Bart waves a taxi intothe driveway. Nearby, Tina weeps.

A CABBY exits the vehicle and helps load the luggage.

BARTWhat do I tell, well, you know?

LOOFEDon't worry, it's covered.

Tina cries louder. Bart nods uncertainly and stands beside her.

INT. TAXI - CONTINUOUS

Loofe lays a napkin on the seat and sits. Cabby slidesbehind the wheel.

CABBYWhere to?

LOOFEHow much to take me to L.A.?

CABBYFuck you. Get out.


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LOOFEWait, I'm serious. I need to getout of here. Tonight. How much tomake that happen?

Cabby glares at Loofe in the rear view mirror. His eyessuddenly light up.

CABBYHey, aren't you -- ? Holy shit,you are. You're him.

LOOFEHim? I'm sorry, who am I?

Cabby grabs something from the front seat. It's a book --"The Amalgamated Man."

CABBYYeah, you're him. All us guys atthe station are crazy about yourbook, Mister Loofe. We are bigfans. Big fans.

LOOFEOh? Well, thank you.

(inspired)Thank you.

INT. TAXI DEPOT - NIGHT

Loofe, seated at a table, surrounded by a dozen CABBIES,

autographs copies of his book.EXT. TAXI DEPOT - NIGHT

Loofe and the Cabbies pose for a group photo.

EXT. EMPTY STREET - NIGHT

Loofe looks out the back window of a taxi as it drives off.The Cabbies chase after him, waving goodbye.

EXT. FREEWAY - NIGHT

Loofe's cab speeds into the desert.

IN THE TAXI

Loofe watches Lake Havasu City disappear behind him. Hebreathes a sigh of relief.


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Claudette rouses from her sleep. Her outstretched armsearches the pillow next to her, but finds only an envelope.

LATER

Claudette bawls as she dials the phone.

CLAUDETTE(between tears)

Allo?

INT. COFFEE SHOP - DAY

Claudette dabs at tears. Across the table, A somber Pascalereads the letter.

LOOFE (V.O.)Dear Claudette, I'm sorry Icouldn't say goodbye in person.But the truth is, even though thelast month has been incredible, Idon't think either of us areprepared for anything serious atthis time. You have your work todo, and I have mine. I hope you'llunderstand, and maybe someday, evencome to appreciate my honesty.

(mangled)Bon chance, mon chri. Alan.

Pascale wrinkles her nose.PASCALE

He is an imbecile.

Claudette bursts into tears.

PASCALEI'm sorry, dear, but like a scarthat must be picked away in orderto heal, the truth hurts sometimes.

Claudette sniffles, composes herself.

CLAUDETTEThank you.

Pascale smiles reassuringly. She lays an enormous hand atopClaudette's.


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EXT. LOOFE'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY

Loofe's taxi pulls up to the complex. Cabby helps unload,then waves enthusiastically as he drives off.

INT. LOOFE'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY

Loofe steps inside. And freezes.

LOOFEHoly shit.

His walls fluoresce in shades of dazzling, luminous day-glo.Loofe drops his bags and clutches his chest.

LOOFEEvil ...

(hyperventilates)... bitch.

LOOFE'S OFFICE - LATER

Light glares off blindingly bright. neon colored walls.Loofe, at his desk, squints at his computer.

LOOFEAlright. Two weeks to go. I cando this.

(more determined)Yes. I can do this.

He slips on a pair of sunglasses. He places Claudette's

frog figurine beside the monitor.LOOFE

(to figurine)It's just you and me, you grotesquelittle bastard.

He types something. Types a little more. Changes his mindand deletes what he's written. He tries again. Stops abruptly.

His jaw clenches.


Claudette, in her coveralls and goggles, gooey frog bits inhand, convulses into tears.

INT. LOOFE'S TOWNHOUSE - DAY

Half-finished jigsaw puzzles everywhere - on the floor, atopfurniture. Their pieces stacked high like poker chips.Prostrate amidst the chaos is Loofe.


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He looks at the puzzles. He looks at his garish walls. Hegroans.

LOOFE'S OFICE - NIGHT

Loofe sneers at the frog figurine.

LOOFEThank you. Thank you for nothing.

He grabs the trinket and hurls it out an open window.Almost immediately, regret crosses his face.

EXT. QUIET COURTYARD - NIGHT

Loofe's on all fours, penlight in his mouth, combing the grass.

LOOFEFuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

His hand lands in something warm and squishy. Loofe looksat the mess and recoils, horrified.

LOOFEFuck!

He frantically wipes his hand on the grass as a tiny DOGstrolls in. Loofe gives it the evil eye.

LOOFEIf that was yours, I swear on mydear mother's life. ...

He shoves the Dog away and continues his search. It's hopeless.

The Dog barks. Then barks again. Loofe turns, glares at it.

LOOFEShut up. Can't you see I'm busy -- ?

Loofe stops as he sees his frog figurine, firmly clenched inthe Dog's mouth.

LOOFEOh, give me that.

Loofe crawls toward the Dog. The Dog retreats slowly.

LOOFECome on, you stupid mongrel.You're getting slobber all over it.

(holds out his penlight)I'll trade you this. You want thepretty light? Hmmm? Come here andyou can have it.


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63.

A VOICE, young and female, calls in the near distance.

YOUNG FEMALE VOICE (O.S.)Lulu? Where are you baby?

Loofe dives for his figurine just as a TEENAGE GIRL rounds abend. She gasps in shock as she sees Loofe and the Dog in a

tug-of-war. She screams, and whips something from her pocket.

TEENAGE GIRLGet away from my Lulu, you freak!

Pffft -- a stream of pepper spray hits Loofe square in the face.

LOOFEAh! Shit!

Teenage Girl and her Dog run as Loofe writhes on the grass,clutching his face. He lands on his back, his eyes full oftears.

His outstretched hand finds something. With red, teary eyes,he looks at his frog, broken in two. Then up at the stars.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)So what happened to her? Uh, yourmother, I mean. Y'know. Did youtwo eventually ... ?

LOOFE (V.O.)Adjust? Recover?

BOWLSBY (V.O.)Yeah. Either of those.

LOOFE (V.O.)Well, ah ... it was tough there fora while. It really was. Probablymore so for her than me.

INT. PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY - DAY (ONE YEAR AGO)

Loofe leads an uneasy looking Meredith through a crowdedcorridor. Pajama-wearing residents throw vacant stares asthey rush past.

LOOFE (V.O.)But we made it through.

A NURSE chases after them.

NURSEYou can't just come in here.Mister Loofe, there are procedures --


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LOOFEIt's all been arranged. Talk toyou administrator.

Loofe ushers Meredith into a room and follows. The doorslams in the Nurse's face.

IN MAMA LOOFE'S ROOM

Mama Loofe knits a sweater by the window. She looks up asLoofe approaches.

MAMA LOOFEAlan, how sweet of you to visit, dear.

LOOFEHi, Mama.

Mama Loofe spots Meredith, holding Loofe's hand.

MAMA LOOFEI see you've found yourself a newgirl. She's a pretty one. I hopeshe's nicer to you than that nastywhore you were sleeping with.

LOOFEMama, this is Meredith.

MEREDITHI'm the nasty whore sleeping withyour son.

MAMA LOOFEOh? How nice. It's a pleasure tofinally meet you, dear. Thank youfor taking my son back. He's quitehopeless by himself, don't you think?

Mama Loofe gives Meredith a once-over.

MAMA LOOFEYou're a small, aren't you?

MEREDITH

Huh?

MAMA LOOFEOr maybe not. Better go with amedium, just to be sure. I think Isee the makings of a muffin top.

Meredith blanches.


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MAMA LOOFEOoh, you're a charmer, aren't you?Well, it won't do you any good.You're still not getting under myskirt. However, you do make a goodpoint, Mister Giest. You may stay.

MR. GIESTThank you, ma'am.

Mama Loofe looks quizzically at Meredith.

MAMA LOOFEAnd who might you be, dear? Youlook very familiar.

LOOFEUh, that's Meredith, Mama.

MAMA LOOFEHow nice to finally meet you dear.You're a small, aren't you?

Meredith shoots Loofe a puzzled look.

LOOFEOkay, I think we should go. Takecare of her, Mister Giest.

END FLASHBACK - ONE YEAR AGO

EXT. WAREHOUSE LAB - DAY

Noises from within reveal it's business as usual.

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - DAY

A door plaque reads "Dr. Adelard Lachaine." Seated nearby,Claudette sulks, on the verge of tears.

LACHAINE (O.S.)(in French, subtitled)

Claudette, come in.

IN LACHAINE'S OFFICE - LATER

Press clippings and awards lauding the great AdelardLachaine cover an entire wall. Seated behind a large,ostentatious desk, the object of the plaudits eyes Claudetteseriously.



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CLAUDETTEMarcel?

MARCELClaudette?

Claudette brusquely shoves past. Marcel, perplexed, watches

her flee.

LACHAINECome in, Marcel, you have a newassignment.

INT. PASCALE'S HOTEL ROOM ROOM - NIGHT

Pascale watches a nature program from bed.

PASCALEAmateurs! Incompetent amateurs.

She snaps the TV off, disgusted.

A frantic rap beckons her to the door. It's Claudette.

CLAUDETTE(bawls)

Why are men such 'orrible creatures?

PASCALEThey just are, little one. Come in,come in.

She guides Claudette inside. They sit on the bed.CLAUDETTE

First, my Loofie leaves. NowLachaine takes my work from me.Even Marcel, who pretend to be myfriend, stabs me in the back. I'ave lost everything, Pascale.

Claudette sobs. Pascale takes her in her arms.

PASCALENo you haven't. Not everything. I

have an idea, why don't you leaveLachaine? You can work for me, ifyou like. When I finish here, comewith me.

CLAUDETTEYou? Y-you mean that?


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PASCALEOf course. Together we will make afine pair. Who needs a chauvinistlike Lachaine?

CLAUDETTENot me?

PASCALEOr a false friend like Marcel?

CLAUDETTENot me.

PASCALEOr that bastard Loofie?

CLAUDETTEDefinitely, not me. I hate themall. I hate all men!

PASCALE(proud)

Bravo, little one!

Pascale leans forward and engulfs a stunned Claudette in a kiss.

INT. GIL'S WAITING ROOM - DAY

Loofe, rumpled and unshaven, bursts in as HANNA, 20's, Gil'snubile secretary, mindlessly plays computer solitaire. Shethrows him a dismissive roll of her eyes.

LOOFEIs he here? Can I go in?

HANNAKnock yourself out.

Loofe takes a second look at Hanna, then goes for Gil's door.

INT. GIL'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Loofe pokes his head in.

LOOFEGil?

A hand grabs Loofe and yanks him inside.

GILAlan! Great! Get in here, pal.Get in here.


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70.

Loofe stumbles into a handshake with STURGES, 50's, a rotundman in a suit.

STURGESMel Sturges. V.P. development.Glad to finally meet you, kid. Youknow Gene Preston.

Sturges passes Loofe to PRESTON, 40's and thin, also in a suit.

PRESTONWe met during post on A.M. It'sexhilarating working with you again.

STURGESGotta tell you, Alan, you've goteveryone at the studio hanging bythe short and curlies waiting foryour story. Gil here refuses totell us shit.

PRESTONOther than it's completelybrilliant, and ten times morefantastimundo than A.M. Lord,you'd think we were trying to pullthe details from his derriere.

GILIt's the fencing. Lunges keep thesphincter tight.

All laugh except Loofe.STURGES

So, seriously, what's the pitch?There's action, right? Somethingbig happens?

PRESTONExplosions maybe? Ooh, ooh, Iknow -- blow up a monument.Audiences love that!

STURGES

Yeah. But keep it American. I'msick of seein' the fuckin' pyramidsexplode. No one gives a shit abouta pile of rocks. And for Pete'ssake, don't destroy the Statue ofLiberty. That's overdone.

PRESTONShe's French anyway, n'est pas?


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STURGESGoddamn, you're right. That frogbitch is off-limits.

Loofe eyes the two men uncertainly.

LOOFE

Great. Uh, Gil, can we have a wordin private.

Not waiting for an answer, Loofe drags Gil to a corner.

GILMake yourselves comfortable, gents.There's whiskey and habanos in themini bar.

(to Loofe)What? What's the matter with you?

Loofe pinches his brow in agony.

LOOFEI'm still having ... problems.

GILWhat?!

(hushed)What? Are you fucking kidding?You were supposed to be doneyesterday. What am I supposed totell these guys?

Gil pulls a business card from his pocket.GIL

I've had it with this bullshit. Gosee him. I'll get Hanna to callahead, but you get your ass overthere now.

Loofe shakes his head.

GILHe cured my anger issues, he cancure your writer's block. Goddammit!

Gil pulls Loofe toward the door.

STURGESYou going somewhere? I thought wewere gonna talk turkey.


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GILHe's gotta go. Artist's temperament,y'know.

(to Loofe)Take care of that thing you need totake care of. Take care of it.

Gil shoves Loofe out and slams the door.

INT. BOWLSBY'S WAITING ROOM - DAY

Loofe sits, twiddles his thumbs as he waits. A few seatsdown, a LITTLE BOY stares at him. He elbows his MOTHER.

LITTLE BOYMommy, is that a crazy person?

Mother eyes Loofe suspiciously.

MOTHERYes. Yes it is. Don't look him inthe eyes, honey.

BOWLSBY'S RECEPTIONIST enters the room.

BOWLSBY'S RECEPTIONISTAlan, Doctor Bowlsby will see you now.

INT. BOWLSBY'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER

Across a grand antique desk, DR. LEO BOWLSBY, late 50's,mild in his bright pastel sweater, examines a fidgety Loofe.

BOWLSBYYou know, Alan -- may I call you Alan?

LOOFEI don't like shrinks.

Bowlsby smiles, unfazed.

BOWLSBYFair enough. When meeting with aclient for the first time,especially one who may prove

hostile, I find it often helps tohave an icebreaker. Not for everyclient, mind you, but seeing as youare referred by Gil ...

Bowlsby digs into a drawer and pulls out a large joint.

BOWLSBYDoobie?


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LATER

Loofe slumps in a sofa, takes a long drag on the joint. Hepasses it to Bowlsby, slouching beside him.

SUBTITLE: "NOW."

BOWLSBYOkay Alan, now that we have yourhistory, why don't you tell me whyyou're here.

LOOFEIsn't that one of those greatphilosophical questions you'resupposed to know the answer to, Doctor?

Bowlsby looks sideways at Loofe.

BOWLSBYYou know, you're absolutely right.Damn.

Bowlsby giggles. Loofe joins him. Before long, both mensnicker uncontrollably.

BOWLSBY(fighting for control)

Okay, okay, okay ... time to getserious. C'mon, Alan, let's getserious. I've got to get somelunch in me.

He puts the joint aside and takes a deep breath, composeshimself.

LOOFE(giggles slowing)

Well ... I need help.

BOWLSBYCan you give me more?

LOOFEI'm stuck, Doc. I just came from a

meeting where I was supposed tohand in a manuscript, and I havenothing.

BOWLSBYA manuscript for what?

LOOFEA book.


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Bowlsby's taken aback.

BOWLSBYYou want me to help you overcomewriter's block?

LOOFE

Yes. Do you mind?

BOWLSBYAh, well ... I don't know. I mean,I've written a couple of articlesfor Modern Psychiatrist. Aneditorial for Mental Health Weekly.They were pretty good, but --

LOOFEPlease, Doc, I've tried everything.I can't get anything out. It'slike my brain's suffering from theworst constipation imaginable.

BOWLSBYAnd you want me to be your laxative?

(deadpan)Do you prefer rectal or oral?

They break into another fit of laughter. Bowlsby wheezes.

BOWLSBYOkay, okay ... what's your story about?

LATERLoofe and Bowlsby share a bag of chips.

LOOFESo what do you think, Doctor?

BOWLSBYA love affair between aliens and frogs?

LOOFENo. Between people. Flawed,everyday people. Real love between

a man and a woman. But one day hejust up and leaves. That's whereI'm stuck.

BOWLSBYI don't get it, Alan. Why would heleave? Were they unhappy?


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LOOFENo. Everything was perfect.Better than perfect. They'd neverbeen happier.

BOWLSBYThen what would motivate a man to

flee his own happiness?

Loofe sinks into the sofa, frustrated.

BOWLSBYAlright, so here's the thing. Heloves her, right?

Loofe nods.

BOWLSBYAnd she loves him?

Loofe nods again.

BOWLSBYAnd they're perfectly happytogether? So what's stopping himfrom coming back and apologizing?Can't he just return and admit hemade a mistake leaving in the firstplace?

LOOFEThat's not it. That's not the way

it works.BOWLSBY

Why? Why can't he have a secondchance?

LOOFEBecause he doesn't deserve one.

BOWLSBYYou don't believe in second chances?

LOOFE

No. Life doesn't give you secondchances. It's a fallacy. It's afalse hope others dangle in frontof your face so you won't give upand die.

Bowlsby lays a reassuring hand on Loofe's shoulder.


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76.

BOWLSBYWe all deserve second chances, Alan.That's why they invented the words"I'm sorry."

Loofe gazes at Bowlsby, searches his face.

LOOFEIs that true? That's what youreally believe?

Bowlsby nods. Loofe sighs heavily.

LOOFEI knew it. You're full of shit.

Loofe storms out.

INT. LOOFE'S OFFICE - DAY/NIGHT

Loofe sits, stares at the computer screen. Seen through thewindow, a sunset. Then a sunrise. Then a sunset. Thenanother sunrise. Loofe hardly moves.

He looks at the frog figurine, lying nearby. Broken.

BOWLSBY (V.O.)We all deserve second chances, Alan.That's why they invented the words"I'm sorry ... sorry ... sorry ..."

INT. LOOFE'S CAR - DAY

A stream of scotch tape orbits the frog figurine, roughlypiecing it together. Loofe slaps it to the dashboard,affixing it. He guns the engine and peels away.

INT. PASCALE'S HOTEL ROOM - BATHROOM - DAY

Pascale, a large towel barely wrapping her robust frame,shaves thick, wiry hairs from her legs. Claudette, in a labcoat, enters.

PASCALELeaving already, little one?

CLAUDETTEOui. I will be back as soon as I can.

PASCALEDon't forget about dinner. I'vemade the reservations for six.


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77.

CLAUDETTEHow could I possibly forget anevening with you, chri.

Claudette gives Pascale a kiss, and a playful poke in theribs. Pascale jerks, ticklish. She titters, her laughraspy as a hyena's.

CLAUDETTEYou are too cute. Au revoir.

PASCALE(in French, subtitled)

I count the minutes until we'retogether again, darling.

Claudette swoons, touched. She smiles broadly and leaves.

Pascale rubs her chin. Notices a little bristle. Take therazor to her jaw.

EXT. A CAR IN THE DESERT - DAY

Loofe careens through highway traffic, narrowly missing atanker truck.

TANKER TRUCK DRIVER(out his window)

Hey, fuck you, asshole!

AT THE WHEEL

Loofe, wild-eyed, drives and scans a roadmap at the sametime. His cell rings.

LOOFEWhat?!

MEREDITH (V.O.)Okay, it's been, like, forever.Were you ever gonna call me back?

LOOFEMeredith?

MEREDITH (V.O.)I forgive you, Alan. I know itqualifies me as retarded orwhatever, but yeah -- again. Nowget your little buns over herebefore I change my mind.

LOOFESorry. Not interested.


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MEREDITH (V.O.)Not interested. What? Didn't youhear? Hello, it's me.

A momentary silence. Then Meredith gasps.

MEREDITH (V.O.)

Oh my God. Oh my God, oh my God,oh my God. You've met someone else?

LOOFEYes.

MEREDITH (V.O.)Oh my God, you have. This isn'tone of your stupid games, is it?So help me, Alan, if it is, I swear... We're over? For real?

LOOFEYes.

MEREDITH (V.O.)Crap.

Meredith lets loose a long, anguished groan.

MEREDITH (V.O.)I don't believe this. Can we stillfuck once in a while?

Loofe gives this some thought.

LOOFEMaybe.

(reconsiders)No.

He hangs up and drives faster.

EXT. HOTEL - DAY

Pedestrians dive aside as Loofe's car skids into thedriveway. He jumps out and darts inside.


Loofe, a disheveled mess, charges through a crowd. Guestsand bystanders gawk at his appearance.

AT THE FRONT DESK

Tina looks up from her terminal, spots Loofe approaching.


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79.

TINAMister Loofe? Welcome back!

(scrunches her nose)Lordy, you need a room. And a bath.

She turns to Bart, lazing nearby.

TINABart, tell Henrietta I'm sendingsomeone to the spa. Code red.

Bart jumps to his feet and takes off running.

BARTYes'm.

(to Loofe, passing)Welcome back, sir.

Tina types on her keyboard.

TINAI'll have a room ready for you in ajiffy, Mister Loofe.

LOOFEI don't need a room. I need tofind Miss Montfort. Is she still here?

Tina melts.

TINAOh my, you've come back for her.

How very romantic. It's just like --LOOFE

Is she still here?

Tina's slightly taken aback.

TINAWhy, yes. She's still here. B-butnot at the moment. She's probablystill at work.

Loofe spins around, strides for the exit.

TINAThere's something I should probablytell you, first. Mister Loofe?Mister -- ?

Loofe's out of earshot. Tina shrugs.


81/103

80.

TINAOh. Poop.

EXT. RESEARCH TENT - DAY

The sun slips low over the horizon as Loofe nears theencampment. He stops, tucks his shirt and brushes his hair

back.

INT. RESEARCH TENT - MOMENTS LATER

Loofe bursts in.

LOOFEClaudette, it's Alan --

Marcel, in full protective gear, jumps in surprise. Aspecimen squirts from his gloved hands.

MARCELAlors! Are you trying to frightenme to death? Idiot!

He pants, spins. Bug-eyed in his goggles, he glares at Loofe.

MARCELWho are you? What do you want?

LOOFEWhere's Claudette?

MARCEL

She is not here.(sudden recognition)Ah, you are that American.

LOOFEWhere is she?

Marcel crosses his arms defiantly.

MARCELWhy should I tell you? You breakher heart.

Loofe snorts, momentarily stumped.

LOOFEWhat are you doing here?

MARCELWe switch places. I come here, shegoes --


82/103

81.

Marcel jaw drops.

MARCELMerde!

Marcel cringes as Loofe bolts.

EXT. WAREHOUSE LAB - DAY

A Researcher emerges from the building, takes a moment toadmire the spectacular, coral-hued sunset, then continuesinto the parking lot. More Researchers follow - a steadyparade of people going home for the day.

Loofe's car careens into the complex. He parks quickly andjogs to the door, a dozen yards away. A BURLY RESEARCHERtakes note and steps in front of him.

BURLY RESEARCHERWhere are you going, monsieur?

LOOFEIs Claudette Montfort inside? Ineed to speak with her.

BURLY RESEARCHEROui, she is. You have businesshere? This is a secure facility.You may not go in without properauthorization.

Loofe tries to angle his way past. Burly Researcher stands

his ground.LOOFE

You don't understand, alright.It's important that I see her.

Burly Researcher refuses to budge. Loofe scowls as moreResearchers emerge. They gawk as they pass.

LOOFEWe saved your asses in World War Two!

BURLY RESEARCHER

And we saved yours during yourAmerican Revolution. We are even.Get over it.

The last Researcher exits. The door closes and an electroniclock beeps in place.


83/103


84/103

83.

LOOFE(to Claudette)

I leave you alone for a few days,and you turn to, to ...

(points to Pascale)... this? Is this a bad dream?Are you fucking kidding me?

Pascale lowers Claudette to her feet.

CLAUDETTELoofie? What are you doing 'ere?

LOOFEI've come back. For you. What thehell?

Loofe glares at the TAXI DRIVER.

LOOFEYou. Hit the road.

TAXI DRIVERBut I ain't been paid.

LOOFEI said GET LOST.

Taxi Driver blanches.

TAXI DRIVERI'm gonna call this in. I will.

Taxi Driver zooms away. Loofe returns his attention to thewomen. Pascale slides protectively in front of Claudette.

PASCALESeor, ladies are present. Becareful what you say.

Loofe steps toe-to-toe with Pascale. She has a few incheson him.

LOOFELadies, huh? What are you going to

do, Amazon?

A tense stand-off, then -- bop. Loofe reels onto his ass.

Pascale smiles, her balled fist as big as a pumpkin. Loofechecks his cut lip.


85/103

84.

LOOFESo that's the way you want to play?Fine.

He stands, sneers maniacally. Fear glimmers in Pascale's eyes.

PASCALE

Y-you would not hit a woman, would you?

LOOFEWouldn't I?

Claudette grabs Pascale's arm.

CLAUDETTEErm, chri. Perhaps we should getinside.

PASCALESi. Perhaps you are right, little one.

The women dash for the door. Loofe lunges forward and grabsthe handle.

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - CONTINUOUS

Pascale yanks on the door with both hands, but can't get itshut. Claudette watches nervously.

CLAUDETTEPull, chri, pull.

EXT. WAREHOUSE LAB - CONTINUOUSLoofe pulls from the other side. He braces a leg againstthe building and tugs with all his might.

LOOFEShe's my woman, woman!

INT. WAREHOUSE LAB - CONTINUOUS

The tug-of-war's a stalemate. Claudette thinks. She graspsPascale tight around the waist and pulls. Pascale squealswith laughter and loses grip on the doo

Popping Frogs

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