Perfect DaughtersPerfect DaughtersAdult Daughters of Alcoholics and Other TraumasAdult Daughters of Alcoholics and Other Traumas

Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.Robert J. Ackerman, Ph.D.ODAPCAODAPCA

Norman, OKNorman, OKOctober 9, 2014October 9, 2014

Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Families Are Not All the SameFamilies Are Not All the Same

1. Degree of dysfunction and the 1. Degree of dysfunction and the parental roleparental role

2. Type or kind of dysfunctional 2. Type or kind of dysfunctional parent/sparent/s

3. Different reactions to stress3. Different reactions to stress

4. Personality and perceptions4. Personality and perceptions

Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Why Survivors of Dysfunctional Families Are Not All the SameFamilies Are Not All the Same

5. Gender implications and 5. Gender implications and

interpretationsinterpretations

6. Age and developmental factors6. Age and developmental factors

7. Cultural considerations7. Cultural considerations

8. Off-setting contributing factors8. Off-setting contributing factors

Dysfunctional FamiliesDysfunctional Families

Areas of ConflictAreas of Conflict Perceived isolationPerceived isolation InconsistencyInconsistency Self-condemnationSelf-condemnation Control needsControl needs Approval needsApproval needs RigidityRigidity Fear of failureFear of failure

Gender Implications for Gender Implications for CoA/ACoACoA/ACoA

MotherMother FatherFather BothBoth

DaughtersDaughters SonsSons

Gender Differences in Impact Gender Differences in Impact on Sons & Daughters of on Sons & Daughters of

AlcoholicsAlcoholicsDaughtersDaughters SonsSons

1.Both parents1.Both parents 1. Mother 1. Mother onlyonly

2.Father only2.Father only 2. Both 2. Both parentsparents

3.Mother only3.Mother only 3. Father 3. Father onlyonly

DYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHERSDYSFUNCTIONAL MOTHERSImpact on DaughtersImpact on Daughters

Role ModelsRole Models Relationships (women) Relationships (women) Parenting skillsParenting skills Gender IdentityGender Identity TrustTrust Trying to pleaseTrying to please ShameShame

Dysfunctional FathersDysfunctional FathersImpact on DaughtersImpact on Daughters

RelationshipsRelationships

Role confusionRole confusion

IntimacyIntimacy

Sense of selfSense of self

Sexual abuseSexual abuse

PerfectionismPerfectionism

Unintended Negative Unintended Negative Childhood Lessons Childhood Lessons

Perfect DaughtersPerfect Daughters If I can control everything, I can keep my If I can control everything, I can keep my

family from becoming upset.family from becoming upset. If I please everyone, everyone will be happy.If I please everyone, everyone will be happy. If is my fault and I am to blame when trouble If is my fault and I am to blame when trouble

occurs.occurs. Those who love you the most are those who Those who love you the most are those who

cause you the most pain.cause you the most pain. If I don’t get too close emotionally, you If I don’t get too close emotionally, you

cannot hurt me.cannot hurt me.

It is my responsibility to insure that everyone in thefamily gets along with each other.

Take care of others first.

Nothing is wrong, but I don’t feel right.

Expressing anger is not appropriate.

Something is missing in my life.

I’m unique and my family is different from all other families.

I can deny anything.

I am not a good person.

I am responsible for the success of a relationship.

For something to be acceptable it must be perfect.

Unintended Positive Childhood Unintended Positive Childhood LessonsLessons

I am a survivor, I can survive trauma.I am a survivor, I can survive trauma. I have developed competencies in I have developed competencies in

many areas of my life.many areas of my life. I can handle crisis.I can handle crisis. I have a good sense of humor.I have a good sense of humor. I can take care of myself.I can take care of myself. I am not easily discouraged.I am not easily discouraged. I can find alternatives to problems.I can find alternatives to problems.

I am not afraid to rely on my abilities.I can be healthy when others are not.I do have choices.I can be depended upon.I appreciate my inner strength.I know what I want.I am a good person.I may not be perfect, but parts of me are great.

Relationship Concerns for Relationship Concerns for WomenWomen

Unwilling to trust her own judgmentUnwilling to trust her own judgment Not having her intimacy needs metNot having her intimacy needs met Feelings of low self-worthFeelings of low self-worth Feeling overly responsible for the Feeling overly responsible for the

success of a relationshipsuccess of a relationship Picking the wrong personPicking the wrong person

Characteristics of Unhealthy Characteristics of Unhealthy RelationshipsRelationships

No longer funNo longer fun Partners feel controlledPartners feel controlled JealousyJealousy ApathyApathy Silent treatmentSilent treatment UnfaithfulnessUnfaithfulness Feelings of being taken for grantedFeelings of being taken for granted Relationships is one-sidedRelationships is one-sided Lack of communicationLack of communication Resentment Resentment

High Risk RelationshipsHigh Risk Relationships

What Makes Them Attractive?What Makes Them Attractive? FreedomFreedom ExcitingExciting Feeling neededFeeling needed ExclusivityExclusivity SeductivenessSeductiveness

High Risk Relationship High Risk Relationship CharacteristicsCharacteristics

ControlControl A high risk partnerA high risk partner Magnet to stayMagnet to stay You are a high risk personYou are a high risk person

Why Do They Stay?Why Do They Stay?

Family backgroundFamily background FearFear DependencyDependency DenialDenial Lack of supportLack of support IsolationIsolation Social expectationsSocial expectations

SafetySafety Learned helplessnessLearned helplessness She/he loves the partnerShe/he loves the partner The partner will changeThe partner will change

FeelingsFeelings

““If this is love, why do I feel so bad?”If this is love, why do I feel so bad?”

It’s the wrong person for you if It’s the wrong person for you if you feel:you feel:

PressuredPressured ConfusedConfused Guilty, like you’re not good enoughGuilty, like you’re not good enough AngryAngry uncomfortableuncomfortable

Forms of IntimacyForms of Intimacy

Intimacy and varietyIntimacy and variety Intimacy and valueIntimacy and value Intimacy and exclusivityIntimacy and exclusivity Intimacy and a sense of “we”Intimacy and a sense of “we”

YouYou MeMe

UsUs

Achieving Positive Emotional Achieving Positive Emotional IntimacyIntimacy

Transform low self-esteem to high Transform low self-esteem to high self-esteemself-esteem

Change the inability to trust to the Change the inability to trust to the ability to trustability to trust

Change from triangulation to direct Change from triangulation to direct communicationcommunication

Reduce overly controlling behavior to Reduce overly controlling behavior to the proper amount of controlthe proper amount of control

Reduce macro responsibility to Reduce macro responsibility to reasonable amount of reasonable amount of responsibilityresponsibility

Overcome compassion fatigue Overcome compassion fatigue and learn to feel againand learn to feel again

Go off your emotional dietGo off your emotional diet Overcome the inability to receiveOvercome the inability to receive Learn to say, “NO”Learn to say, “NO” Don’t overly processDon’t overly process

Take time for yourselfTake time for yourself Remember to do the small thingsRemember to do the small things Have fun and passionHave fun and passion Ask for what you needAsk for what you need Practice your relationship skills Practice your relationship skills

outside of your romantic outside of your romantic relationshiprelationship

Characteristics of Healthy Characteristics of Healthy RelationshipsRelationships

They are funThey are fun Free from “me phobia”Free from “me phobia” Partners can receivePartners can receive Energy is invested in the relationshipEnergy is invested in the relationship Adequate processingAdequate processing TrustTrust Free from abuseFree from abuse Problems are not deniedProblems are not denied Friendship Friendship

Perfect Daughters and Perfect Daughters and Parenting ConcernsParenting Concerns

ControlControl I don’t know how!I don’t know how! Lack of consistencyLack of consistency Not being able to meet your child’s Not being able to meet your child’s

needsneeds

Strategies for Raising Your Strategies for Raising Your Confidence as a ParentConfidence as a Parent

*Learn to be comfortable being in charge*Learn to be comfortable being in charge

*Identify what you want to teach*Identify what you want to teach

*Learn about human development*Learn about human development

*Learn about your children's problems*Learn about your children's problems

*Know when and how to get help*Know when and how to get help

*Talk with other parents*Talk with other parents

*Learn how to parent together*Learn how to parent together

*Learn to say, "No!"*Learn to say, "No!"

*Learn when and how to protect yourself*Learn when and how to protect yourself

*Rely on commonsense*Rely on commonsense

Recovery LagRecovery Lag

*not all individuals/families are affected the *not all individuals/families are affected the same waysame way

*not all parts of the individual/family will need *not all parts of the individual/family will need interventionintervention

*not all individuals/family will respond the *not all individuals/family will respond the same way to treatmentsame way to treatment

*not all personal or family issues/problems *not all personal or family issues/problems will recover at the same ratewill recover at the same rate

*not all members of the family will need the *not all members of the family will need the same amount of supportsame amount of support

*not all individuals/families will recover to the *not all individuals/families will recover to the same degreesame degree