Partner Abuse Impacts Children Too!

Kathy Bosch, Ph.D.Extension Specialist, Family Life EducationAssistant Professor, Family & Consumer SciencesUniversity of Nebraska

kbosch2@unl.edu308-632-1244

Western Nebraska Early Childhood Conference

2002

Why is it a problem?

• 3.3 million American children are estimated to witness domestic abuse annually

• Husbands who abuse their wives are almost certain to abuse their children

(70% perpetrators abuse children, Stark, 1996)

• Even if only half of these children are directly abused---the numbers are high!

• Children need not be direct targets to get hurt• Indirect impacts are also hurtful to children

• The child, like the major caregiver, may be victimized by the perpetrator of partner abuse because aggression has become the perpetrator’s usual mode of interpersonal control with all family members.

Men are many times more likely than a women to abuse their children, although mothers can also be abusive.

• The child may be victimized by the major caretaker only, or by both parents/adults

(Holden et al., 1998)

The more personal the relationship (child trusts or depends on) between perpetrator and child victim, the more severe the symptoms.

• “As males become more aggressive toward their spouses, they also become more violent toward their children. Women are more likely to direct their aggression towards their spouses and spare their children direct physical violence.

Ross, S. (1996).

Child abuse

• Boys and girls without disabilities are mistreated equally

• Boys with disabilities are at a higher rate to be abused

• Boys have a higher risk of physical abuse

• Girls have a higher risk of sexual abuse

For child safety and well-beingpartner abuse must be addressed

• Child welfare services have tended to view the mother’s role in child abuse perpetrated by a male partner as “failure to protect” the child, rather than recognizing that the child’s safety may depend on addressing the abusive situation that endangers both mother and child.

Services for women and children

• Emergency shelter services for American women in abusive partner relationships began in late 1970s

• Services for children of abuse are recent and remain limited in many communities

Factors contributing to child abuse risk

• Family stress– Increases the risk for partner abuse– Increases level of distress of major caretakers

• Partner abuse/violence– Increases the risk for child abuse– Children become objects of aggressive parenting

• Caretaker distress– Increases the risk for child abuse– Partner support is low (and so caretaker stress high)– May use harsh parenting and physical control

Child Behaviorwhen partner abuse is present

• Externalizing behavior– a child’s behavior is outward and

aggressive, usually is negative or a problem

– is noticeable to caretakers and teachers

• Internalizing behavior– a child’s behavior is antisocial and withdrawn– may not be as noticeable by caretakers

Watching and listening to abusive parents

(or one partner being abusive to the other)

• Can cause havoc with a child’s mental, emotional, and physical development

• A child does not have to witness abuse to learn that abusive behavior is occurring at home and for it to have a negative impact

• Can cause emotional scars– Low self-esteem

– Lack of trust

– Anxiety about next outbreak of violence

– Guilt and depression • feeling responsible for abuse

– Fear of abandonment

– Try to intervene to protect mother and/or self

– Have an unrealistic goal that they can help stop or end the abuse

e.g. could intervene faster, try harder, do better, be better, be different, do something different, be quiet, be more helpful, be smarter and the list goes on!

Children living in abusive homes • May fail to thrive physically• May have speech and hearing problems• Often suffer from stress-related illness

– Headaches, stomach aches

• May be aggressive or extremely passive• Often experience problems in school• Higher rates of juvenile delinquency• Higher rates of substance abuse• Often assume parental role• Teens may escape into early marriage/pregnancy

• Psychological symptoms• Depression• Conduct problems• Avoidant behavior• Emotional disorders• Cognitive dysfunctions

– Attention, memory, dissociation

• Sleep disturbances• Inability to self-regulate behavior and emotion• Poor self-esteem (especially in young children)• Learn that anger is dangerous• Equate anger with loss of self-control

Indirect Effects on Children

• Child’s immediate caretaker suffers emotional distress, depression, anxiety

• Increase in aggression toward the child as a concomitant of other aggressive behavior

Children living in abusive homes Must cope with confusing messages

– Relationships, violence, conflict, power

Learn that true feelings are not to be expressedLearn that anger or strong emotions cannot be controlledFind interpersonal conflict emotionally threateningNegative impact on their problem-solving techniques during

conflictLearn violence is an appropriate form of conflict resolutionLearn violence has a place within family interactionIf violence is reported to others, there are few consequences

Children living in abusive homes

Learn sexism (inequality of power, decision-making, and family roles) is to be encouraged

Violence is appropriate means of stress management

Victims of violence are to tolerate this behavior and to examine their responsibility in bringing on the violence (victim blaming)

• Struggle with gender identification– May not want to identify with either abuser or

victim

• Girls and boys who witness marital violence could either be victims or perpetrators

• Some youth are resilient to abuse, not all suffer permanent negative effects

(Internal locus of control buffers effect of stressor on psychological symptoms across age and gender)

Violence is a learned behavior

• Children who grow up witnessing partner abuse learn that violence is an acceptable way to handle anger, conflict, problems, and to treat a loved one through dominance and control

• At an early age children show strong indications of identifying with the abuser (often the father) and losing respect for the victim (often the mother) (Seymore, A. 1996)

• “We know that violence is a learned behavior. We also know that children gravitate toward anyone who’s in power. In an abusive home, that’s the abuser.”

(CASA Youth Services Coordinator, Kelly Twiss, 1996)

Who is responsible for child’s safety?

• Society is quick to attribute blame to women• Women have often been the focus of efforts to make

children safe (“gender-bias”)• Problem with ‘invisibility’ of male abuser• Need to be concerned about abuser who is creating

abusive or violent situation• Legal system and society must hold abusers accountable• Many mothers actively seek safety for themselves and

their children• Communities must offer realistic safe and economic

alternatives to women and children

What can you do?(as a parent with an abusive partner)

1) Tell a friend, trusted person, family member or professional who may help validate the abuse so you know you’re not going crazy

2) Recognize and admit when you are in an abusive partner relationship. Realize that your abusive relationship has a negative impact on your children.

3) Do not stay together ‘for the sake of the kids’Rather, ‘for the sake of the kids’……..

4) Get help, counseling, therapy, treatment End partner abuse

5) If partner abuse does not end—Get divorced ---but get help to leave safely

Why do we need “outside” help?• Partner abuse cannot be handled alone by an

individual or by the couple• Partner abuse is a societal issue• Involves well-being of adults and children• Needs intervention• Not safe for physical, emotional, and mental

well-being of children or adult• If subject is not approached by a competent adult, child

will think talking about events is taboo and not to be discussed and that feelings are bad

• Access to supportive networks is essential to help end abuse

How can we help children?• Give children support• Help children gain sense of control• Handle disruptive behavior with kindness and clear

limits• Tune in to child’s needs• Tune in to child’s pace for dealing with stress

– Allow children to feel safe, accepted, and ready to talk

• Reach beyond the nuclear family– An adult mentor can make a tremendous difference

• Cope over time (on-going support/intervention)– Be ready to listen and make appropriate referrals

How can we help children?• Promote policies that support children and

families. Advocate for family well-being.

– Identify and track abusers– Child protection, courts and domestic violence agencies

must work together to intervene or rehabilitate abusers– Help mother develop safety plan for herself and child– Help families (mother) strengthen access to support

networks (formal and informal)

How can we help children?• Provide support, rest, comfort, food and the opportunity

to play. • Reassure children they are safe and that you will help

them.• Reassure children that the event was not their fault.• Help children understand what has happened by

allowing them to talk about their experiences.• Allow children to express their feelings.• Reassure children that it is OK to be upset.• Do not insist children talk before they are ready.

How Can the Support Network Be More Effective?Implications for the Support Network

Ask women questions about partner abuse Validate women’s experiences of abuse Hold abusers accountable for their behavior Provide women with information and advice Encourage women to access resources Show women how to utilize resources Provide nonjudgmental help Help without strings attached Maintain contact with women Intervene as early as possible Encourage self-sufficiency within network

Study Summary Women face isolation due to being rural Access to resources lessens the level of abuse Supportive persons help access resources

help reach larger network

Nonsupportive persons hinder resource accesshelp keep bound in abusive relationships

Support from formal and informal sources must:be availablebe utilizedbe adequate (effective in ending abuse)

Affirms previous research:support is often inadequatewomen need wide range of support & servicespartner abuse is a societal issue

• “He threatened to burn the house down with me and kids in it. He’d fixed the car improperly on purpose. The car tire threw off and we almost were killed. He was not concerned at all. He blamed me for overreacting. The bolts were nowhere to be found; he had picked them up. I was scared and terrified. What made my decision in the end was that it was hurting my kids and it had to stop.”

(Bosch, K. 2002)

• “I wished I’d known they had shelters for abused women and kids. He ran me out of the house with a butcher knife. It was raining and I was in a bathrobe. I begged him to let me take the kids out of the house.”

(Bosch, K. 2002)

• “My dad told me to make the marriage work—but that was before he knew about the abuse. I had three kids and needed help with them. Once the folks found out about the abuse, they were very supportive. The kids and I even lived with them for several months.”

(Bosch, K. 2002)

• “There is help out there. You need to know not just to stay in it because of the kids. If you are not working—get assistance. Get your education. Stay supportive of the women no matter what decisions they make. What about the kids? The support network couldn’t have been more helpful because I didn’t open up. I was fearful for my life. He said, I’ll leave and I’ll take the kids. He threatened to kill himself. No one gets divorced around here. I even heard this from my Mom (most supportive person). He moved out a couple of times.”

(Bosch, K. 2002)

“The support network would be more helpful if I didn’t feel that I would be made fun of, put down, not believed. They said, ‘He’s a perfect husband, father and perfect person!’ The disbelief is probably the biggest thing. In a small town everyone thinks they know you and your personal life. They told me not to make such a big deal over it. I thought about calling the police a couple of times. I thought I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap!”

• We lived together for two years and had a child together. I was severely beaten and sexually and physically assaulted, emotionally and verbally abused also. I was very much isolated. I didn’t have a person that was supportive. I had no friends. I had very limited contact with my family. I called my mother once a week but when I called, (partner) monitored it and was right there. When he left for work he took the telephone cord with him so I couldn’t receive or make any calls.”

Researcher note: This mother asked the police to put her and her 18 month child in jail so they would be safe. She was unaware of shelter services until police told her about advocacy services for women in abusive partner relationships.(Bosch, K. 2002)

• “Children must be at the forefront of efforts to prevent and combat family violence, rather than simply an afterthought.”

(Seymore, A. 1996)

References:Aron, L. & Raine, K. (1997). Efforts by child welfare agencies to address domestic

violence. Public Welfare. Vol. 55, No. 3.Bosch, K. (2000). Perceived effectiveness of support networks for rural

women in abusive partner relationships. Unpublished Dissertation, Kansas State University.

Bunch, Charlotte. (1997). Violence Against Women and Girls: The Intolerable Status Quo. WIN News. Vol. 23, No. 4, 25.

Edleson, Jeffrey. (1998). Responsible Mothers and Invisible Men; Child Protection in the Case of Adult Domestic Violence. Journal of Interpersonal Violence. Vol. 13, No. 2, 294.

Ferguson, Kathleen & Dacey, Christine. (1997). Anxiety, depression, and dissociation in women health care providers reporting a history of childhood psychological abuse. Journal of Child Abuse and Neglect. Vol. 21, No. 7, 941-952.

Hughes, Bob. (1997). Children, Violence and Post-Traumatic Stress. Human Development and Family Bulletin: A Review of Research and Practice. Ohio State University Extension. Vol. 3, No. 3.

Hutchings, J. (1997). Child witnesses of domestic violence: A qualitative study exploring the effects of exposure to marital violence on adolescents. Doctoral Research Proposal. Kansas State University.

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Partner Abuse Impacts Children Too!Abstract:

Over 3.3 million American children are estimated to witness domestic abuse each year. Husbands who abuse their wives are almost certain to abuse their children. Even if only half of these children are directly abused, the numbers are high! And unfortunately, when family stress and partner abuse are present, children are at a higher risk for abuse and neglect. Most often abusers are men, but sometimes mothers and day care providers are abusive. Children need not be the direct targets of abuse to get hurt. The indirect impacts are also hurtful to children and can cause havoc with their mental, emotional and physical development. Children who grow up witnessing partner abuse learn that violence is an acceptable way to handle anger, conflict, problems, and treat a loved one through dominance and control. As an adult who cares about the well-being of children, you are in a position to help children living in abusive homes. You can intervene, support and refer children for help. Your support to both the child and the parent who is being abused can help end abuse.