r ok fobo /

nd tedHa raSepa

Divorced

Parents

Parenthood goes on

Index （1）Introduction 1 （2）Effects on the parents 2 ‧Confronting your emotions 3 ‧Inappropriate behavior 4 ‧Treat yourself well 6 ‧Acceptance and adjustment 8 ‧Tips to treat yourself well （3）My children 10

‧Reaction towards parents’ separation/divorce in different ages 12 ‧How to assist children to adapt to the separated lives 16 ‧What will help the children most – things that parents can do 18

（4）Communication between 22 separated / divorced parents

‧Conflicts and contradictions 23 ‧Things that will harm your children 24 ‧Resolving conflicts - Tips 28 ‧Effective communication 30

（5）Co-parenting 34

‧What is co-parenting 34 ‧What is the purpose of co-parenting 35 ‧Allow your children to grow under both parents’ love and care 36 ‧Sharing parental responsibility agreement 36 ‧Co-parenting - Tips 42

（6）How to maintain your relationship with 44 children who Don’t live with you

‧Learn more about your children 45 ‧Ways to stay in contact with your children 45 ‧Facing challenge 48

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(1) Introduction ‘Divorce’, ‘Separation’, these are tough decisions made by theparents and often lead to significant changes in one’s life.Whilst the parentsareadjustingthemselvestotheirnewlives,theirchildrenwillalsohavedifferentemotionandbehavioural reactionasa response to thischange.Althoughyoumaybeeagertomoveonandcutoffanyconnectionswithoneanother,inthebestinterestsofthechildren,bothparentsshouldworktogetherandshareresponsibilitiestocontributetothedevelopmentofthechildren.Theyshouldworkoutthecaringarrangementthatisgoodtothechildrenandmanagetheirandthechildren’semotion.Theeffortsfrombothparentswill cushion thenegative impactsof this separationandalsoprovidethechildrenastableenvironmenttogrow.Intheheartsofthechildren,youwillalwaysbetheirparentforever,andyourcareandlovewouldbeapreciousgiftforthechildren.

In order to facilitate the separated/divorced parents to adjust totheirnewlivesandtohaveabetterunderstandingoftheimportanceofparental responsibilities in raising their children, this Department hasproducedthishandbookforparents’reference.Thehandbookfocusesontheeffectsofseparation/divorceontheparentsandchildrensothattheparentscouldunderstandandcareabout thechildren’sneedsandtry their best to facilitate their children to overcome the psychological

changes arising from the parents’ separation/divorce. At thesame time, it also suggestsways to the parents to learn howtoco-operateandcommunicatewiththeotherparenteffectively,to formulate parenting plans and shoulder theparental responsibility continuously for thehealthydevelopmentoftheirchildrenundertheirperpetualcareandloveafterparentalseparation.

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(2) Effects on the parents When two people come together in marriage,noneofthemwillwishtoseetheend.Sowhendivorcebecomestheonlysolution,itcanhavedifferentlevelsofimpacttodifferentpeople.Youmayexperiencearollercoastertypeofemotionalride,lonelinessandlingeringpainthatdon’tgoawayin justablinkofaneye.Thiscanbringunexpectedchangesinlifeandcauseyoutoconsistentlyadjustyourselftoit.Overtime,itwillleadtoatiringmindandbody.

Youmay encounter different levels of grief andtransformation, ranging from losingyour relationshipswith your extended family and friends, a shift inparentingroleand/ortoachangeinlivingorfinancialstatus. Understanding what this split can bringwill strengthen your ability to accept andmanage your own emotion. It alsohelpsyourealiseyourchildmighthaveexperiencedapainfulprocessliketheirparents.

2

Confronting your emotionsSeparation/divorcemaybringyouachainofemotions:

ExhaustionSeparation/divorcearrangementscanbeverystressfulleadingtofluctuationinemotion.

Sorrow/Anger

Failureinthemarriagemaybringyoudown,orevenbringresentmenttowardseachother.

WorryTheuncertaintyforthefuture,andthe

impactsitwillhaveonyourchildren.

GuiltGuilttowardsyour

childrenand ex-partner.

3

Majorityofpeopleareawareof theirunstableandoverlysensitiveemotions,andthesefeelingsmaystrikeanytime.Althoughwecan’tcontrolhowwefeel,wehavetheabilitytochoosehowtoreacttoit.Keepinmindthathowyoumanageyourownemotionsandhowyoutreatyour ex-partnerwill have direct impact on how your childrenadjusttothisseparation/divorce.

Inappropriate behaviorFor the one living with the children

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Whenchildrenbecomethecenterofeverything,itcan

increasethechanceofconflictinparenting.

Treatingthechildrenas

listeners,sharingandprojectingnegativefeelingstoyour

children.

Leveragethemandusethemasmiddlepersontocheckupontheex-partner

orpursueclaims.Thiswillcatchthechildreninthemiddleanddestroythetrustbetweenyourchildrenandtheother

parent.

Complainingaboutyour ex-partnerinfrontofthechildren

leadingtotheirresistancetowardstheotherparent.Pushthechildrentodescribe

theprocessoftheircontactwithyour ex-partnerandfeeldiscontentwhenseeingtheclosebondingbetweenthetwoduringthe

ex-partner’scontactwiththembecauseofthelackofconfidenceinyourchildren.Andevendisplayingtheangertowardstheex-partner

ontothechildren.

For the one not living with the children

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Duetotheworrythattherelationshipwiththechildrenwill

becomedistant,overlyspoilyourchildreninanefforttomakeupforthela

bondingtime.ckof

Feelstressfulanduneasywhenthechildrenreactnegativelyduringyourcontactwiththemandblame

theotherparent.Orbecauseofconflictsbetweenthetwoadults,eventuallygiveuponvisiting

yourchildren.Afraidthatthe

childrenarebeingbrainwashedbythe ex-partnerandhence

donotacceptoneself.Feelbeingunfairly

treated,accusingthechildrenforsidingwiththeex-partneranddistantfromoneself.

Telltheotherparent

offinfrontofthechildren.

Getinformationabouttheex-partnerthroughthechildren.

Feelsorryforthechildrenandhencerelyonmaterialstoshowyour

loveandcareorexcessivelyaccommodatetherequests

ofthechildren.

Whetheryoulivewithyourchildrenornot,howyoucopewithyourownemotions,andhowyouinteractwiththemduringthisseparation/divorcecanleadtodifferentlevelsofstressandunsettling feelings. In order to maintain a stable relationshipandfacilitatesteadygrowthofyourchildren,youmustmanagethesefeelingsandseekabrightwayout.

Treat yourself well

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Managingyouremotions

Regardless of the reason behind this separation/divorce, bothparentsaregoingthroughaverytoughperiodoftime.Inordertowalkoutfromtheshadowoftheex-partner,andminimisetheeffectsonyourchildren,it iscrucialtoself-healandmanagegrief inthecorrectway.Theemotionsofseparated/divorcedparentswilldirectlyaffecthowtheyproceedforwardwiththeirnewroles;yourchildrenareverysensitiveinhowyouinteractwithyourex-partner.Remember,theemotionalimpactbetweentheparentsandchildrengoesbothways,thereforeyoushouldmanageyourswellandlearntoletgo.

Break ups can lead to a variety of negative feelings, keepingthesefeelingsuncheckedwillcausemoreproblemsandbringharmtoyourchildrenwhenyoudisplayangerontothem.

T

expass

mh

c

esI

N

ativns

ge Resentment Feeling

resentfulwhenyouseeorhearaboutthe

ex-partner.

e emotio

Negative

S

Resolving resentment ryreleasingtheenergythroughcardioexercises.Youcanalsoloredoingrelaxingactivitiessuchlisteningtomusicormeditatingtooothyourself.Constantlyremindyourselftoletgo,blockoffanynewsabouttheex-partnercanalsoexpeditetheprocess.

emDenial o tion

Reluctanttolet s

otherpeopleknowaboutthedivorce,or

purposelyavoidgoingtothesocialeventsthatyouusedtogoasacouple.

TI Accept the truth proactively

Weoftenautomaticallyturnintodenialwhenfacingundesirablesituations.Weneedtoaccept

thetruth,cutourselvesloosefrothepastrelationshipandestablisanewidentity.Forexample,joinactivitiesthatinterestyouand

createopportunitiestomeetnewfriends;setaplanforchange

andsticktoit.

ative

emDepression

g BreakupcanbringachaineN ofgloomyfeelings,whichcanleadtodepression,takingawayourinterestineverythingandstopping

usfromdoingthingsthatwelike.Thiscyclecangoonandon,lastingforafewhoursordaysorworse.Withoutpropertreatment,itwillaffectyourdailyroutine,workandsocial

life.

otions

TIP

PS

TIPSLive healthy

Firstandforemost,wemustbringourselvesbacktoaregularroutinelife.Youmayhoosetojoincommunityactivitiesthatyoulike,participateinsocialvents,interactwiththeothersandtayawayfromnegativethoughts.ncreasingtheamountofexercisecanalsorejuvenateourbodies

andrefreshourminds.7

If you struggle to cope withyour feelingsarising fromseparation/divorce, you can talk to someonethat you trust, or seek help fromprofessional social workers andcounsellors.Thelastthingyouwantistotakeitouttowardsyourex-partnerorchildren.

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Acceptance and adjustment Inordertostartanewchapterinlifeandlessenthefalloutonthechildren,youhave toaccept the factand try toestablishanewpartnership with your ex-partner in this separation/divorce. Duringthe transformation, youwill encounter changes in relationships andfinances. For example, you will notice changes in the dynamicsbetweenyouandyourextendedfriendsor family; therewillalsobechangesinyourfinancialstatus,whichmayrequireyoutodevelopanewsystemtomanageyourfinance.Afteracceptanceandadjustment,youcanslowly tryanddevelopanewroleandworkingrelationshipwiththeex-partner,giveanewdefinitiontoyourlifeandre-evaluateyourgoals.Sometimes,yourex-partnermightnotbeabletoperformthe fatherormother roleandshare the responsibilieswithyou,butintheinterestsofyourchildren,youneedtostepupandhandlethesituationwithpositivityandgraceasunder this familysituationyourchildrenwillparticularlyrequireyourloveandcare.

TipsTips to treat

yourself well

Holdontothepositivity.Ifyouareafraid

oftheunknown,tryshiftingtheenergytothingsthatarewithin

yourcontrol.Ifyoufeellonelyandhelpless,trydistractingyourselfwithinterestingactivitiesorjoinsomesupportgroupsforsingle

parent.

Letgoofthenegativity;calmlyandpeacefully

resolveconflictswiththeex-partner.

Grantyourselftheluxurytimetodothingsthatyou

like.

Ifyouhavedifficultyconcentratingatwork,speak

toyoursupervisororcolleaguesaboutyoursituation,andtrytolookfor

asolutionthatbothsidescanbenefitfrom.Mayitbeapplyingforleavesorreshufflingworkinghoursforyoutogetmorerest.Setadeadlinetothisarrangement.Understandyourlimitandalsoletthepersonssurroundyouknowyour

situation.

Beforeproceedingwithanymajorchanges,firstidentifythepotential

obstaclesandonlyfocusontheonesthatarewithinyour

control.Letgoofthingsthatareinevitable.Setagoalandget

toitstepbystep

Ifyoustillfindyourselfdeeplyaffectedanddrenchedbythe

separation/divorce,pleaseseekhelpfromprofessional

socialworkersandcounsellors.

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(3) My children

Separation/divorce can lead to dramatic changes

to both the adults’ and the children’s lives. When parents

separate/divorce,thechildrenarealsobeingaffectedbythis

decision. Therefore, separated/divorced parents not only

havetomanagetheirownconflictingfeelings,theyalsoneed

toattendtothechildren’sneedsanddemands.

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During the separation/divorce, children tend to have a lot

of questionmarks in their heads – “Domyparents not loveme

anymore?”, “Am I the cause of this because I did something

wrong?”, “Will Istillbeable toseemymom/dad?”etc.Theywill

experiencedifferent feelings. At thebeginning, theymightbe in

denialof theseparationandfalselybelievethatbothparentsare

still together.As they slowly learn to accept the truth, theymay

show resentmentanddisappointment towards thisdecision,and

thattheythinktheydonotdeservethis.Whenitishalfwaythrough

theseparation,somechildrenwillstillhopeforachancethatboth

parentswillgetbacktogether–“IfIbehavemyselfandgetgood

grades, then maybe my parents will stop fighting and get back

together”.Theymayfeelagreatdegreeofsadnesswhenlateron

thattheyfinallyrealisethereisnoturningaround.

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0 - 3years old

Reaction towards parents’ separation/divorce in different ages:

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Emotions and characteristics What they need

• They do not understand the split but are sensitive to the intense atmosphere. They may act anxiously and cry.

• They rely heavily on the parents and are afraid of the split. They will miss the parents after the separation.

• They can easily get angry, worry and possibly with behavioural regression as it is a channel to let out their anxiety.

• They are consistently testing people’s boundaries through disobedience.

• Physical intimacy from the parents (e.g. hugging or feeding), and a stable living environment to grow.

• A regular schedule to be with each parent and spend quality time together.

• Clear and consistent parenting style from both parents to establish a sense of security.

• Do not expose your children to any argument or disagreement between you and your ex-partner.

• Tell them you still love them.

4 - 8years old

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Emotions and characteristics What they need

• They feel sad about the separation and consistently think of the other parent.

• They may think they are the cause of the separation and feel guilty for it. They fantasise seeing the parents getting back together.

• They have dilemma of which side they should be on and feel caught in between.

• Blame one of the parents for this separation and let out their anger towards him/her.

• Overly sensitive about the conflict or emotional change between both parents.

• Explain to them the reason behind this separation, give them support and comfort.

• Assure them of your love verbally and physically. Comfort their emotion.

• Maintain a stable and regular life routine; give them notice before making any changes so they are mentally prepared for it.

• Avoid involving them in conflicts between you and your ex-partner.

• Allow them to have affection towards the other parent and spend time together regularly.

9 - 12years old

Emotions and characteristics What they need

• They have a very basic understanding of the situation and how the parents feel.

• They make moral judgment on parents’ behaviour and judge that one is “good” and the other is “bad”.

• They may experience different unsettling feelings, such as anger, despair, helplessness and loneliness.

• Their self-esteems are lowered because of the unfavourable image of the parents.

• Their grades on studies may drop.

• They need healthy relationships with not just one, but both parents.

• Avoid arguing in front of them or criticising the other parent. Respect your ex-partner as your children’s mother/father.

• They need a stable and regular schedule to spend time with each of the parent.

• Listen to how they feel and try to understand their frustrations.

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13 - 18years old

Emotions and characteristics What they need

• They think the conflict between the two parents is childish. They are ashamed and annoyed by it.

• They understand the reason behind the break up and feel frustrated for not being able to help their parents.

• They feel burdened because of having to share the responsibility of taking care of younger siblings and comforting the parents.

• They struggle to pick sides, and once they do, they will distance themselves from the other parent.

• Instead of spending time on their studies, they focus on creating problems as an attempt to grab attentions from parents.

• They are tired of being the emotional support for the parent and feel neglected. They therefore act rebelliously and may even run away from home.

• Opportunities and healthy channels to express their feelings and thoughts.

• Do not rely on the children for emotional support or depend on the elder one to take care of the younger siblings.

• Do not give them the pressure of having to stand by one’s side.

• For the parent who doesn’t live with the children, try to understand your children’s views and be flexible when scheduling the bonding time.

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How to assist children to adapt to the separated lives:

Explain the situation to them in theircomprehendiblelanguage;ensurethemthatthisisadecisionmadebythetwoadults,andthatthereisnothingforthemtofeelliablefor.

Assure them of your love and carethroughaction.Theyareveryvulnerableduring thisperiodof time,and theyneedyourloveandsupport–itcouldsimplybeby telling them you love them verballyoverandoveragain.

Besensibleandlistentotheirconflictingemotionscausedbythisseparation/divorce;provide themahealthy channel to expressthesefeelings.

Tellthemthespecificlivingarrangementafterdivorce, such as their daily routine, caring andlivingarrangement,bondingschedule,schooling...etc.Listentotheirviewsasfaraspossiblesothatthey can be prepared psychologically and settlemoreeasily.

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Trytoprovideastableenvironmentforthechildrenthebestyoucan–attending thesameschool,keeping in touchwiththeexistinggroupoffriends,aswellaskeepingthesameliving and resting schedule. Do not rush into making any bigchange. Let them know beforehand so they can be mentallyprepared,andgraduallyprogressstepbystep.

Astheparentthatliveswiththechildren,tryand spendasmuch timeaspossiblewith themtobuildupasenseofsecurity;astheparentthatdoesn’t live with the children, try and visit themregularly, so they feel loved and protected. Thatwaytheycancopewiththeseparationbetter.

Assist and encourage the older children tobuild good relationships between their siblings,classmates, teachers and neighbours, so theycangainmoresupportindealingwiththeparents’separation/divorceandrebuildingtheiresteemandconfidence.

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What will help the children most – things that parents can do

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Makesureyourchildrenunderstandtheyarenotthefaultstothisseparation.

Trynottoexpressinhospitalitytowardsyourex-partnerwhenyourchildrenarearound.

Staysilentifthereisnothingpositivetosayaboutyourex-partner.

Donotexposeyourchildrentotheangerorconflictswithyourex-partner.

Despitethedisagreementsbetweenyouandyourex-partner,trytoalignonthesamedirectioninparenting,atleastinfrontofthechildren.

Cherishthetimeyougettospendwithyourchildren.

Ensurethemthatthereisnothingwrongwithlovingtheotherparentaswell.

Donotblameyourex-partnerforyourchildren’sanxiety,fearsandproblems.Donotcomplaintoeitheryourchildrenorex-partner.

Tryyourverybesttohelpyourchildrencopewiththeseparation/ divorce,andensurethemthatthereisnoneedtofeelashamedbytheseparation/divorce.

Donotintroduceyourchildrentotoomanychangesatonce.

Managethechoressystematicallysothatyoucanstillmanagethehouseholdproperlywithoutyourex-partner.

Donotquizyourchildrenonwhomtheylovemoreorwhomtheywanttolivewithmore.

Encourageyourchildrentocontinuetheirdailyroutinesandactivities.

Donotgivethemfalsehopeorangrilydenythemforwantingtoseeyouandyourex-partnergettingbacktogetherthoughitistheirwish.Maintainyourcalmness.

You should seek professional help if you have the below problems:

Yourchildren’sdepressionlastsforalongperiodoftimeandhasn’tshownanyimprovement.

Youfeelhelplessonhowtomakethesituationbetterfor yourchildren.

Q & A – how to answer your children’s questions

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Thechildrenwillfaceatoughtimeadjustingaftertheparentshavebeenseparated.Theyareunsureaboutthecauseforthissplitandwillhavealotofquestionsinmind.Answertheirquestionshonestlywithpositivity.Thiswillhelpminimisetheiranxiety.

Is it my fault that myparentsaredivorced?

The reason why mom and dad aredivorcedisbecausetheycannolongerget along with each other. It was adecisionmadebythetwoofthem,andthatitisabsolutelynotyourfault.

HowcanIhelpresolvethe conflicts betweenmyparents? There is no need for you to

try to resolve adult’s problems, ortakesides.Ifpossible,tryandleavetheroomwheretheconflictistakingplace,distractyourselfbydoingsomethingelsesuchaschattingwithafriendoverthephone,listeningtomusicorwatchingamovie.

Canmomanddad get backtogether?

Thedecision toseparate/divorceis an outcome of rounds ofthinking and considerations. It ismost likely that they will not getbacktogether.

Whenfacingsuchabigchangeinthefamily, you might experience angerand sorrow towards your parents'divorce, and you will have doubtsaboutyourfuture.Itisnaturaltofeelthisway.

Why do I feel sadandunsettled?

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ShouldIinformmyfriendsor classmates about theparents’divorce?

Although mom and dad no longer livetogether,youcanstillmeetandspendtimewithbothofthem.Ifyouhaveanyneedsorthoughtsaboutthisarrangement, feelfreetotalktomom/dadaboutit.

What should I dowhen I feel sadanddepressed?

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Do not hide these feelings. Talktosomeoneyoutrust,itcouldbeyourteacher,schoolsocialworkerorelderpeoplethatyoutrust.

WhomshouldIlivewith?WillIstillbeabletoseemom/dad?

There is nothing for you to feel ashamed forandthereisnoneedtohideitfromyourfriendsor classmates. Perhaps some of them haveexperiencedthataswell.Iftheymakefunofyouorpickonyou,don’t takeit toopersonallyandlet it go. If youneed support or help, you canalwaysturntoyourparents,teacher,counsellororschoolsocialworker.

(4) Communication between separated/divorced parents

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It will be of great benefits to the children if bothseparated/divorcedparents can respect and cooperatewitheachotherevenaftertheseparation/divorce.Iftherelationshipbetweentheparentsisbrokenandfilledwithhatreds, the negativity will be directly reflected on thewaytheytreateachother.

Conflicts and contradictions Althoughyouandyourex-partnerarenolongermarriedcouple,at some points youwill still need to talk to each other about yourchildren.Sadlyhowever,theunfortunateandsourpastoftengetsinthewayofthis,leadingtothefollowingconflictsandstruggles:

1)Both parents hold different priorities / disciplines – e.g.onefocusesmoreonthegradesandtutoringschedules;whereas the other leans more towards developingchildren’shobbies.

2)Disagreement on executing caring agreement orvisiting arrangements – e.g. the parent living withthechildrenasks theotherparent tostopvisitationduringthechildren’sexamsbuthe/sherefuses.

3)Dissatisfaction on your ex-partner’sbehavior or attitude – e.g. dislikes thelooseparentingdisciplinefromyourex-partner.

4)Discrepanciesinparenting–mom/dadisagainstvideogamesbuttheotherparent,aspertherequestsofthechildren,buysitforthemanyway.

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Things that will harm your children

Whether it is intentional ornot, separated/divorcedparentsoftendragchildrenintothebattlefield.Forexample,expectingthechildren to takesides. If theyget thesense that thechildrenareclosertotheotherparent,theywillblamethemfornotbeingloyal,criticize them, or evenpush them further away.Most separated/divorcedparentsdon’twishorforeseethings likethistohappen,butwhentheydo,theywillhurtthechildreninmanyways.

Threat Leverage your children to get thethings you want from your ex-partner – “Ifyoudon’tpaythealimonyontime,youwon’tsee the children again!’ You should not useyour children’s needs as bargaining chipswhentalking toyourex-partner.Thiswillnotonly hinder the process of reaching to anagreement, it will also hurt your children’sfeelingwhentheyfindoutlateron.

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Spying Attempttoobtainupdatesonyourex-partnerthroughyourchildren–“Whomdidyourdadwatchmoviewiththisweekend?”,“Whomisyourmomhavingdinnerwithtonight?”Yourchildrendonotwanttobeused,orlosethetrustfromeitheroftheparents.Thelastthingtheydonotwantistotriggeryourangerbybringingyouthenewstheyhaveobtained.

Messenger Passmessagestotheotherparentthroughyourchildren–“Askyourdadtopayforyourtextbooksfee!”Beingamessengercan cause your children a lot of stressand pain, and therefore both parentsshouldavoidexposingthemtotheabovebydirectlytalkingwitheachother.

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Criticise each other “Don’tbeacowardlikeyourdad”,“Don’tbeirresponsiblelikeyour

mom”.Separated/divorcedparentsmightbad-mouththeotherparentsin

frontofthechildrenasachanneltoletouttheirfrustrations,ortodestroy

therelationshipbetweenthechildrenandtheotherparent.Theywantto

provehowbad theotherparent isso theycanwinoverchildren’s trust

andloveortheystronglybelieveinhis/herbadcharactersandwanttolet

thechildrenknowthetruth.However,mostchildrenbelievetheybelong

equally to both parents, so theywill take it personally when they hear

criticisms of either of their parents. These verbal attackswill hurt their

feelingsandlowertheirself-esteem.

Ifseparated/divorcedparentscan’tstayawayfromthepastheated

conflictingcommunicatingmode,stayon theiremotionandownwants,

and continue to fight for power and control, all the fightings and bad-

mouthswillleavemarksinchildren’shearts,causingthemagony.

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Resolving conflicts and solving problems

Your children should never have to sacrifice their happiness to thisseparation. It iscrucial forseparated/divorcedparents to letgoof thepastand focuson thepresentand their children. If there isnosafetyconcern,theyhaveto learntorelatewiththeotherparent,sothatthechildrencanfeellovedbybothparents.

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Resolving ConflictsThere is no need to

bring up the past. Avoid any unfriendly languages.

Respect your ex-partner and their personal space. Do not

interfere with their private lives.

Embrace the new partnership with your

ex-partner as the parents of your children, and build this

partnership with the mutual love and care you both have for

your children.

Tips

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Acknowledge that your relationship

has ended, but you and your ex-partner are still

the parents of your children.

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Letgoofoldgrudgesandfocusonbuildingthisnew

partnershipwithyourex-partner.Trytolookforthegoodthingshe/shehas

doneforyourchildrenfromanewangle.Showyourrecognitionandappreciationwhenhe/shehelpsyourchildrenwiththeirhomework,picksthemupfortheirafterschoolactivitiesetc.

Drawaclearlinebetweenwhatyouwantandwhatyourchildren

need.Understandandrespectthatyourchildrenmayhavetheirownwaytointeractwithyourex-partner.

Yourchildrencanlearngreatthingsfromyou

throughhowwellyoumanagetheconflictsbetweenyouandyourex-partner.Thiscanalsoboostuptheirtrustandconfidenceonyoutotakegoodcareofthemand

moveon.

Effective communication

Wisely choose where and when to discuss about yourchildrenwithyourex-partner.Makesurebothsidesareup-to-datewithchildren’sstudies,behaviours,andemotionsetc.

Agreeononemainchanneltocommunicatewitheachother,mayitbeviaemail,phoneSMS,instantmobilemessagingapplications,etc.Setsomeboundariesoncommunicationformat,time,frequencyandavoidusingwordsthataretoosubjectiveoremotional.

Theconversationbetweenyouandyourex-partnershouldevolvearoundyourchildren,andproblemsolvingbased.

Try to communicate in the role of “partners running abusiness of the children’s well-being”, i.e. to establisha “business partner” type of communication or workingrelationship among colleagues with your ex-partner canmakethingssmoother.

Startwithsimpleandconcreteissues,allowyouandyourex-partnersometimetogetusedtothisnewwaytocommunicatebeforemakinglong-termormajordecisionsforthechildren.

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Effective communication

Alwaysdiscusswiththeotherparentfortheiropinionwhenmaking big decisions for your children. May it be aboutschooling,importantmedicalarrangement,orplanleavingHongKongetc.

Patiently listen to your ex-partner, ask forclarificationwhenneeded.

Respectortrytounderstandthedecisionsyourex-partnermakesforyourchildren.

Avoidarguingonminorissues.Respecteachotherandshowyourwill to compromisewhen there isdifferenceinopinion.

Avoidbyallmeansquarrellinginfrontofyourchildren,puttingtheminatoughsituation.

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Have you ever felt this way before?(Dad was supposed to pick up the children but he is 30 minutes late)

You are late again! You have no respect forpeople around you at all. If you don’t want toseethekids,sobeit!

Thetrafficwasreallybad,youdidn’thavetobemeanaboutit.Ifitisn’tforthekids,Iwon’tevenbothercomingoverortalkingtoyou.

Idon’twanttoseeyoueither!Idon’tcareiftheyloseafatherlikeyou.Youcan’tcarelessaboutthekidsanyway,sostoppretending…

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You can try this(Dad leaves a message on mom’s

mobile telling her he will be 30 minutes late due to traffic jam)

Sorry,Iamlate.Goodthatyougotmymessage.

I hadn’t left the door yet when I got yourmessage,sowecouldstayathomeforabitlongerbeforecomingover.Noworries,havefun!

Sameasbefore,comepickthesonupat5pm.

Howabout5:30p.m.?Justsoyoudon’tneedtorush?

Goodidea.5:30p.m.itis!

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When discussing or making decision about the

children, separated/divorced parents should communicate and show

understanding towards each other.

What is co-parenting

(5) Co-parenting

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Instead of sliding all the responsibilities to justone single parent, co-parenting means both parents arecommittedtoworkingtogetherinraisingtheirchildren.Thiswillallowchildrentohavecloserelationshipswithbothsidesoftheparents.

Marriedparentsareobligated to raiseand lookafterthechildren together, throughall thegoodandbad.Whenthemarriageends,bothparentsshouldstillworktogether,share theparental responsibilities andmakeplans for thefuturegrowthoftheirchildren.Bothparentsshouldensurethe children can still receive the love and care they areentitledforevenafterthedivorce.

What is the purpose of co-parenting

Children will experience different kinds of unsettlingfeelingswhentheirparentsseparate.Someofthemmightbetooyoungtocomprehendoracknowledgeadult’sproblems,naivelybelievethataslongastheystopfighting,orifmomstopsaskingdadformoney,theproblemswillgoaway.Insomecases,theytendtoblametheparentwhoinitiatestheseparation.

Asaparent,youshouldunderstandyourchildren’s fearandanxietyof leavingeitheroneof theparents.The thoughtoflosingparent’sattentionandlovemakesthemfeelinsecure,whichwillmake itharder for themto trustotherpeople in thefuture.

Ifbothparentscanpeacefullyresolveandovercometheirdisputes,cooperateandtakeontheirsharesofparentingduties,ensurethechildrenreceiveloveandcarefrombothparents,thechildrenwon’tfeelbeingabandoned.Thiscansetagoodrolemodelforthechildrenandlessenthenegativeimpactonyourchildren’semotions,studies,aswellasbehaviors.Thiscanalsoassistthemtoadjusttothechangesofthefamilyandhelpthemtodevelopapositiveself-image.

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Allow your children to grow under both parents' love and care

Divorce is anend to amarriage, but that doesn’t change theroleofyouastheparentofyourchildren.Nomatterwithwhomyourchildrenareliving,theyshouldneverhavetolosetheconnectionandloveoftheotherparent;anditisyourjobtohelpsustainandnurtureyourrelationshipwithyourchildren.Adivorcedfamilydoesnotmeanthe family isbroken.Parentsareblessedandareobligated to takecareoftheirchildren,andthisdoesn'tendwiththemarriage.

Sharing parental responsibility

agreement Itiscrucialforseparated/divorcedparentstoworktogetherhandinhandtoworkoutthechildren’s caring arrangement. When makingthe plans, they should consider the needsof the children according to their age,personality,anddevelopmentalstage.

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Children’s needs include:

The right to know the truth and any up-coming plans - explain thesituationandfuturearrangements inawaythat theycanunderstand.

Stable life routine -such as maintainingrelationship with family andfriends, living environment,social network, as well asanysocialactivities.

Communication - encourage them to stay incontactwithpeopletheycarevia phone calls, emails, orevenmeetupwiththemfacetoface.

Parents’ active listening and acceptance -listen toandaccept your children’s thoughtsbeforemakinganymajordecisions.

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Parental responsibility agreement outlines theresponsibilitiesofbothparents in raising theirchildrenand theshareofthebondingtimewiththeirchildren.Thefocusshouldbeonwhatisinthebestinterestsofthechildren.Inmajorityofcases,allowingthechildrentohaveclose,stableandcontinuousrelationships with both parents is in their best interests. Thedefinition of “children’s best interests” will vary in differenthouseholds, for example, both parents taking up the equalamountofbondingtimemightseemidealforsomefamilies,butnottotheothers.

Therearealotofthingstolookoutforwhenmakingcarearrangementplansforyourchildren,anditmightbeoverwhelmingatfirst.Forthatreason,wehavecreatedachartbelowonco-parentingwithalltheessentialitemslistedontheleft,whichwillhelpseparated/divorcedparentsdivideandconquer,makingthisprocesssmootherandmorecomprehensive.

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Remarks (frequency, time, form, how and where to pick up etc.)

Contact arrangement with the non-residingparentonaschoolday

Contact arrangement with the non-residingparentonanon-schoolday

Other ways to connect with the non-residingparentbesidesvisitation

Contactarrangementwithbothparents’relatives

Others(e.g.contactarrangementifanyoneislate/sick,whenunexpectedissuepopsuporreliefarrangement)

1) Arrangements on schooling, living and daily caring arrangement

Remarks

Livingarrangement

Caringarrangementonschooldays

Caringarrangementonholidays(non-schooldays)

Caringarrangementduringlongholidays (e.g.Christmas,ChineseNewYear,Easterandsummervacation,etc.)

Caringarrangementforspecialoccasions (e.g.birthday,ChineseNewYearEvedinner,etc.)

Medicalappointmentandtreatment

Caringarrangementincaseofemergency (e.g.parents/childrenarebeinghospitalised)

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2) Child contact arrangement

3) Children’s expenses Remarks (amount, who, how and when to pay etc.)

Dailyexpenses(e.g.meals,clothing,transportation,pocketmoney,etc.)

Educationalrelatedexpenses(e.g.schoolfee,schooltextbookfee,tutoringfee)

Medical/Dentalcost

Insurancefee

Extracurricularactivities,vacations,andotherexpenses

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4) Academics arrangement Remarks

Schoolcontacts(bymotherorfather)

Dailysupervision

Studyplan

Tutoringclass

Extracurricularactivities

5) Parenting arrangement Remarks

Parentingdiscipline

Rewardandpunishment

Religion

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6) Parent’s communicationRemarks (types of

messages, communication frequency etc.)

Sharing information (e.g. notice from school, academic report, photo, medical report, etc.)

Communication medium and arrangement (e.g. face-to-face, phone call, email, text message, etc.)

7) Others (feel free to add other items when you see fit)

Remarks

Application for children tax deduction

Out-of-town vacation arrangement

Solution when not being able to fulfill the agreement occasionally

Other arrangement if there is the need to amend the agreement.

Co-parenting Tips

The biggest obstacle inco-parenting is your emotions.Shiftingthefocusonyourchildrencanhelpyouletgoofthenegativity.

When discussing aboutyour children with yourex-partner, try to let goofoldgrudgesandnot tobringupwhathe/shehasdone wrong in the past.Criticism, mocking, andthreat are also unhealthyfortherelationship.

Insteadoffiguringoutwaystowinthefightorargument,yourpriorities should be aroundwhat’sbestforthechildren.

Avoid having heatedconversation or conflicts infrontof your children (suchas during child contactor exchange). If needed,schedule another time andsomeplace else for settlingcontroversialissues.

Focus on the present and thefuture,stayintherealityandaimforefficiency.Tryandbuildaco-worker type of relationshipwithyourex-partner.

Listen to your children’s thoughts. Do notforceyourchildren topicksidebetweenyouandyourex-partner.

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You and your ex-partner will most likelyhave different parenting disciplines, butyoubothshouldalways tryanddo thingsinaconsistentway.Ifcompromisingseemsimpossible, embrace the difference andmake sure your children are clear of therulesindifferenthomes.

Alignonawayofcommunicationthat can work for both you andyourex-partnerwhendiscussingabout your children, may it beface-to-face, via phone, text, or

email.

Considerschedulingregularmeetings (could be oncea month) with your ex-partner to discuss aboutyour children’s life and theirschoolperformance.

Both parents should get togetherevery now and then to evaluatethis co-parenting arrangement,make new plans or adjustmentsaccording to the development ofyourchildren.

Both parents shouldcommunicatewitheachother on a frequentbasis, and update oneanother of any newcontactingmethod.

Informeachotherofanychangeofstatus(couldbe financially or aboutmarital status) in order tokeepbothsidesuptodateanddiscusswayout.

Ifagreementsareimpossibletobereached,pleaseseekhelfromthirdpartiessuchasyourtrustedrelatives,socialworker,omediatoretc.

pr

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(6) How to maintain your relationship with childrenwho don’t live with you

Ifyourchildrendonotlivewithyou,itisnaturalforyoutoworryabout the potential distanced relationship, which leads to kinds ofnegativethoughts.Forexample,youmaythinktheyarebetteroffwithoutyou,orreducemeetingyourchildrenbecauseofyourreluctancetoseeyour ex-partner, or because of children's indifferent attitude towardsyou. Please remember, children need parents’ continued support,love,andnurturing.Yourchildrenmightbescaredfromtheshatteredrelationshiporintensefightsyouhadwithyourex-partner,thereforeyouwillneedtospendextratimeandefforttorebuildtheirsecurityandtrust.If children are able to receive love andmaintain stable relationshipswithbothparents,theyaremorelikelytohavebetterself-esteemandhealthydevelopment.

Perhapsyouhavebeentoobusyinthepastorforotherreasonneglectedyour children.Youcanbuilda close relationshipwith yourchildrenbyspendingtimewiththemone-on-one,andinmanydifferentways.

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Learn more about your children Try to familiariseyourselfwithyourchildren’sdaily routines,forexample theirafterschoolactivities,dailyscheduleandsocialactivitiesetc.Youwillbeable tohavemore topics to talk toyourchildrenabout ifyouknow thedetailsof theirdaily lives.Youcanalsokeepnotesofanyspecialoccasionssuchasbirthdays,Father/Mother’sdaysetc.Planyourschedulearoundit,thinkaboutwhattodo,whatpresenttobuy,andwhomtoinviteetc.

Ways to stay in contact with your children

Child Contact Arrangement

Arrange bonding time in advance, plan the activities withyourchildrensotheycanfeelmoreinvolvedandenjoyeverymomentofit.

Trycollecting interestingnewsarticlesorsmall itemsintoabox,orputtogetherascrapbookoralbumsoyoucansharethemwithyourchildren.

Trydoingactivitiesthatbothyouandchildrencanparticipatein,suchasplayingchess,drawing,exercising,orwatchingmovie.

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Phone call Ifyoudon'tgettoseeyourchildrenoften,youcanmaintain the relationshipwith them through thephone.Keepeachotherup todateandensuretheycanfeelyourloveandcare.

Callyourchildrenonaregularbasissotheycanlookforwardtohavingthecallwithyou.Tryanddoitonlywhentheyarefree,notwhentheyaredoinghomework,havingdinner,orontheirwayoutforactivities.

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Ifyoudon'tquiteknowwhattotalktoyourchildrenabout,tryandgiveitathinkbeforepickingupthephone. Themore you talk to your children, themoreyouwillgettoknowthemandthereforewillhavemoretopicstotalktothemabout.

Whathavetheydonesincethelastcall?Letthemknowyouareinterestedinthethingstheydowhentheyarenotaroundyou.Markthemdownonanotebookorcalendar.Shareyourchildhood memories with them – this can encourage yourchildrentosharethingswithyouaswell.Youdon'thavetoknowthecorrectanswertoeverythingallthetime,justlistentothemandshowthatyouareinterested.

SMS text / email / mobile instant messaging

A very convenient way to reach them anytime, anywhere,lettingthemknowwhatyouareuptorecently.

Discuss with your ex-partner on ways to help orparticipateinyourchildren’ssportseventsoractivities.

Maintain contact with school / organisation holding extra-curricular activities

Be a part of your children’s lives

Let your children feel they have a second home

Contact your children’s teacher to get a betterunderstanding of how they are doing in school, thatwayyourchildrenwillknowthatyoucareaboutthem.

Yourchildrennowhavetwohomes,onewithmom;anotherwithdad.Ifyoueverwanttomove,considermovingtoanareathatisclosetothem. If possible, provide your childrena room to themselves, andhelpthemdecoratetheirownspace.

Youshouldprovideyourchildrensomeprivatespaceifhavingtheirownroomisnotquiteanoption;forexample,givethemtheirownbed,desk,andcabinet.Decoratethemwithsomefamilyphotosandsmallitemsthattheylike,itcouldbetheirfavoritetoys,books,orgames.

Set some basic rules for your children, it could be on their restingschedule,whattaskstobedone,orgeneraldiscipline,etc.(Itwouldbe ideal ifyoucoulddiscusswith theotherparentbeforehand,andcomeupwithaplanthatistailoredforyourchildren).

Attend school events such as parents’ day or otherextracurricularactivities.

Keep them company when heading to practice,performance,activity,orsocialgathering.

Assistyourchildrenwiththeirhomeworkandexamspreparation;helpthemgatherthematerialstheyneed.

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Thereisnoneedtotakeyourchildrentospecialplacesorbuythemexpensivetoysinordertomaintaintheparent-childrelationshipif youdon’t livewith them,whatmatters is theamountof timeyouspendwiththem.Doingordinarythingssuchaschoresorgoingoutforawalkisgoodenoughforthemtofeelyourpresenceintheirlives.Ifyouhavemorethanonechild,tryandspendqualitytimewiththemindividually, tell them stories, watchmovie orTVwith them, or tellthemanyinterestingnewsyouknow.

Facing challenges

Youmayfeeldevastatedifyourchildren

refusetospendtimewithyou.Pleaseunderstandthiscouldbearesultofbeingstuckinthemiddleoftwoparents,andthattheyarefearofthepotentialconflictsbetweenyoutwo.Bepatientandrespecttheirviews.Letthemknowtheycanreachyou

anytimetheywant,throughphone,text,oremail.

Understandteenagersmaynotwanttobestuckathomeastheywanttospendtimewiththeir

friends.

Understandyourchildrenmightnotlikestayingwithyournew

partnerorfriendtogetheratfirst,asthingslikethiswilltaketime.

Acceptshortchildcontact

arrangement.Youngerchildrenmightnotwanttospendthenightoutsideofhome,buttheywillbewillingtospendthe

daywithyou.

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Date of Publication: February 2019