Directions: Read the two sample paragraphs below. Write comments on the paragraphs as if you were offering feedback to a peer. Pay particular attention to the following questions:

What is the main idea, or central claim, of the paragraph? What is the relevance of the main idea to the larger purpose of the essay? Can you tell? What evidence is provided to support the central claim of the paragraph? How convincing

is the evidence? What sentences provide analysis of the evidence? How convincing is that analysis? If source material is integrated, how well integrated is it? How useful is the source

material for helping the student writer prove the central point of this paragraph? Sample #1 Fincher also uses panning as a way to draw the audience in. Panning in film is a technique generally used to grab the audience, and allow them to become a part of the film. For example, the use of the camera swaying back and forth simulates someone shaking his head, which then systematically places you in the thick of the scene. In The Social Network, this technique is more effective in scenes where the hearings involving Mark were taking place. As the camera is placed as if we were a juror in the case, we are swamped with conflicting emotions. In the case of Eduwardo Saverin, you tend to feel as if he was kicked out of the organization for the wrong reasons. Coupled with Marks tendency to lack a professional demeanor, the case begins to sway in favor of Saverin. However, shortly thereafter the camera switches to a flashback when Saverin appears to be the antagonist. His stern disposition and elite professionalism could convince the audience that Saverin was as advertised. That is all until Sean Parker points out a few flaws in Saverins business techniques, and then the tide turns as Saverin makes a rash decision to acquire the attention of Mark Zuckerberg. Sample #2 From early in the film, social media is portrayed as a platform in which young women are procured for the viewing pleasures of lascivious boys. The parallel editing used during the Facemash/Final Club sequence unites the two spaces to show how women are being treated similarly in each domain, even though the spaces have no surface relation to each other. This alternation between those two locations is a perfect example of what Lancioni describes as visual rhythums in which viewers construct meaning from shot content and shot context, from the relationship of shot to shot, and from the rhythm of cutting, (Lancioni 109). The visual rhythms of the scene are fast paced and present similar shot content between the two spaces. When Mark begins to create Facemash.com, the film cuts to a bus of corralled women being taken to a Final club party. The electronic music of the club scene kicks in and continues to play during the frames of Marks hacking and coding. Just as the party bus is driving around gathering women for the amusements of men, Mark is doing exactly the same, digitally pimping out women by hacking their privacy and exposing them to a male audience for a cheap thrill. The viewer sees a shot of four club boys lounging on couch watching women strip. Then Fincher cuts immediately to a shot of Mark and three of his guys huddled around the computer screen ogling pictures of women on the newly hatched site. Thus, the film constructs social media as a place where the male gaze is inescapable.