Pain by The Authors of Pain - Super Collider...

Pain

By Akam and Rezar (The Authors of Pain)

Edited by Paul Ellering

Super Collider Press

2

Copyright © 2016 by Akam and Rezar. Published by Super Collider Press. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form, print or electronic without prior written consent from the authors and Super Collider Press.

First Edition Paperback: 2016

Authors of Pain © 2016 World Wrestling Entertainment. Used with(out) permission.

All trademarks and copyrights contained in this work are owned by their respective trademark and copyright holders.

All characters, character names and photographs are the copyrighted and trademarked materials of the respective companies that created them. Super Collider Press, Akam, Rezar, and any other individual or organization involved in the production of this book are not affiliated in any way with any of the organizations that are mentioned herein.

Cover Illustration: Alex Hoffman

ISBN:

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Table of Contents

I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk ............................. 9

Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors of Pain ..... 11

Authors of Pain. Co-Authors In Life .......................... 14

Akam's Rezar .............................................................. 16

Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher ......................... 18

Red Thighs .................................................................. 19

Big Trophy By Rezar .................................................. 20

Haiku From The Road By Rezar ............................... 22

WWE Crash Cage Playset .......................................... 25

My Vest Has Many Pockets ........................................ 27

Channeling My Inner Conflict By Rezar (with input from Akam) ................................................................ 28

A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason .... 32

A Slam Poem .............................................................. 34

A Haiku about Haku .................................................. 36

Paiyne .......................................................................... 37

American Omega ........................................................ 38

Missing Piece Of The Puzzle ..................................... 40

Break Legs & Slam ..................................................... 41

Not What They Seem ................................................ 43

4

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain? ........... 45

Diary Entry .................................................................. 47

An Ode to Ellering ..................................................... 49

Palindrome Advice ..................................................... 51

PAIN (The End) ......................................................... 52

The Best Of The Last ................................................ 53

The Last Chapter ........................................................ 55

Acknowledgements ..................................................... 56

About The Authors .................................................... 58

Pain

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Foreword:

As a professional wrestling manager, I’ve toured the world with some of the greatest teams to ever step foot inside the squared circle, but few people know of my true passion, discovering and fostering strong literary talent. You won’t find stronger writers than Akam and Rezar. My Authors of Pain.

I remember when I discovered them as clear as yesterday. It was the Summer of 2015. The Steiner Brothers, The Dudley Boys, Heidenreich and I had just finished our pre-show writer’s circle. Just as Scott Steiner finished sharing his thoughts on Shakespeare’s lesser works, two of the largest men I’d ever seen entered the locker room. I assumed, with their shaved bald heads and black tank tops, they were sent by my rival Jim Cornette to rough me up, but that was not the case. They were there because they wanted to read us their poetry. The following minutes were filled with an impassioned poetic performance of what ended up being an early version of their seminal work “My Vest Has Many Pockets,” which is included in this collection.

From the first meaningful words that came out of their massive mouths, I knew that I would become their manager and with their size, obvious wit and with my guidance, they could become a literary and

Akam & Rezar

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professional wrestling force not seen since The Road Warriors’ wrote the first draft of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

It is with great pride that I present to you, the Book of Pain, by The Authors of Pain.

- Paul Ellering

Akam & Rezar

8

Dedicated to our manager/editor/uncle/dad Paul Ellering.

Pain

9

I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk

I cried today

Daddy called me Hawk

My brother cried today

Daddy called him Animal

Does he know us? Does he know us?

I cried today

Daddy said “OOOOOOOOOOHHH WHAT A RUSH!”

My brother cried today

Daddy said “Welllll…”

But you know, like how Hawk used to say it


From over the mantle the Road Warriors stare at us

From the refrigerator the Legion of Doom mocks us

Daddy says “One day you’ll be champions like them”

One day? One day?


I cried today

Rezar cried today

We cried today

We will always be second best

Does he know us? Does he love us?

Akam & Rezar

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OOOOOOOOOOHHH WHAT A… emptiness in our heart

Pain

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Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors of Pain

We saw the best gimmicks of our generation, destroyed by callups,

starving, hysterical

dragging themselves through the third hour of Raw looking for a crowd reaction,

solid workers burning for the ancient heavenly

connection to the people that they had in Full Sail;

your Bayleys, your Bankses, your Kalistos, your Zaynes, your American Alphas and Apollo Crewses,

guys who got over on their own,

who bared their bodies on Takeovers only to be brought up

to get lost in the shuffle on SmackDown or worse, Main Event, or

do pointless jobs between the purple ropes of 205 Live

What sphinx with balls the size of grapefruits brought them up to the main roster and ate up their catchphrases and imagination?

Akam & Rezar

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Vince! Stephanie! Filth! Ugliness! Ashcans and unobtainable Network subscriptions! Children screaming “Let’s go Roman/Roman sucks!”

Vince! Vince! Nightmare of Vince! Vince the

loveless! Mental Vince! Vince the heavy

judger of men! Vince who doesn’t believe in managers anymore, even though we got over with one!

Paul Ellering! The Authors of Pain are with you at the Performance Center

We are with you in Toronto

When we won the Dusty Tag Classic

and you were suspended above the ring in a shark cage

where you must have felt very strange

since you are a man and not a shark

We are with you in Chicago

where we won our ladder match

that was really good, better than anyone expected

It wasn’t as good as a Young Bucks match but those guys are on a completely different level than anyone else

We are with you when we got brought up to the main roster

where you will cut our promos

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and we will feud with the Hardys or Cesaro and Sheamus maybe? We could work well with them

Paul Ellering, we are with you at Mania

unless they break us up as a team after three months of start and stop pushes

and we’re just some random guys in the Andre the Giant Battle Royal at Mania 34

Fuck, that’s what’s gonna happen, isn’t it?

Akam & Rezar

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Authors of Pain. Co-Authors In Life

When you’re beaten and weary and don’t know where to go

Tag your partner

When gold is on the line

Tag your partner

When a cloudy day gets you down

Tag your partner

When Paul Ellering confused you for the Legion of Doom

Cry. Then tag your partner

When a jabroni tests your mettle

Tag your partner

When your favorite show makes you sad

Tag your partner

When you can’t find your keys

Tag your partner

When you feel a nice summer breeze

Tag your partner

When you just can’t even

Tag your partner

When you miss your friend Stephen

Pain

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Tag your partner

When the world beats you down

Tag your partner

When the squared circle proves unforgiving

Tag your partner

When you don’t know what to do next

Tag your partner

And all will be okay

But don’t forget to hold the tag rope

Akam & Rezar

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Akam's Rezar

We are Akam and Rezar, the Authors of Pain,

Which leads to the question: what's in a name?

To answer this riddle, we think you will find

It helps to examine some habits of mind.

The names Akam and Rezar may ring a bell,

To those who have studied philosophy well.

The term "Occam's Razor" is a good rule of thought:

"Simplicity is good, complexity's not."

The brain is a weird and peculiar thing,

From which a lot of ideas can spring.

But all things considered, it pays to recall,

That the best ideas are not knotty at all.

In technical terms it's the "law of parsimony,"

A heuristic tool for logical harmony.

But such big words seem overly complex

For guys like us, who slam and suplex.

Named for William of Occam, a logician of note,

The razor helps thinkers keep true thoughts afloat.

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When faced with two options: one simple, one fraught,

Occam's Razor suggests that the former be thought.

Why's the sky blue? Who truly screwed Bret?

Why are we with Paul and not Jim Cornette?

Apply Occam's Razor when seeking such truth

And a sufficient answer you surely will sleuth.

Vince screwed Bret, it wasn't a work;

We're paired with Ellering 'cause Cornette's a jerk.

Why's the sky blue? We haven't a clue,

But a straightforward answer is probably true.

We're Akam and Razor, The Authors of Pain,

And now you can see what's in a name.

One question remains, but the answer's uncertain:

When we will move up from jerking the curtain?

Akam & Rezar

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Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher

Virginia Woolf had a great finisher

Finishers can make you

Finishers can break you

Finishers can make you eat cake

Because, bro, you needs carbs

If I'm ever sad about my finisher

Like, "Is the crowd still going for this?"

I think about Virginia Woolf

And how she killed herself by putting rocks in her pockets and walking into the River Ouse

slow and deliberate, unimaginable

she had a great finisher

The most brutal I can conceive

So I guess death is always an option

If I fail as a wrestler

Jk I'm gonna live forever

Jk jk jk jk jk #coorsbanquet

Pain

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Red Thighs

DIY, Oh DIY

Why Do You Slap Your Legs All The Time?

When You Walk Down The Aisle, And Enter The Ring

From Start To Finish, And Every Little Thing.

Did A Bug Bite You? Or Is An Itch Right There?

Your Leg Falling Asleep? Or Is It An Ingrown Hair?

You Look Silly In Your Little Dick Tights

Showing No Real Emotion In Any Of Your Fights

But Rest Assured When You Go For A Springboard Spear

I Can Hear The Slap Echoing In My Ears

We Defeat You Every Time For The Belts

But Are You Limping From Us Or Your Self Inflicted Leg Welts?

Psycho Killer, Johnny Wrestling How You Hurt Our Brains

For This Simple Question Drives Us Insane

We Have The Straps Of Gold But You Have Your Red Thighs

The Very Same Color Of Our Tear Drained Eyes

.

Akam & Rezar

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Big Trophy By Rezar

One, two, three, pin!

One step closer.


Another step closer.


Just one more step to go.


Gimme that Big Trophy!

Big Trophy! Big Trophy!

So tall and shiny!


You light up my life!


I dream about holding you.

From the smaller trophy on top

Down to your boots and plaque

Big Trophy! You are big boots to fill

Big Trophy boots, Dusty’s boots

Can I wear these boots?

Can. I. Wear. These. Boots?

Pain

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CAN.

I.

WEAR.

THESE.

BOOTS?

No, they are chrome dipped, injection molded polycarbonate

They will not bend

They will not fit my feet

I cannot wear the Big Trophy’s boots


Apple of my eye!


Not a day goes by that I don’t wake up screaming:

BIG TROPHY! BIG TROPHY!

Akam & Rezar

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Haiku From The Road By Rezar Southeast Loop April 13th - 19th, 2017

Orlando, FL to Concord, NC - 552 miles

Paul is driving first

Rental with broken windows

Akam had Arby’s

Speed limit only

Akam farts, Paul is laughing

LinkedIn while I cry

Stop in Savannah

Stop car, air out Cadillac

Why Arby’s, Akam?

Now I drive the car

Paul and Akam want Arby’s

We drive in silence

Pain

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Concord, NC to Spartanburg, SC - 97 miles

Yes! New rental car

I forgive Paul and Akam

Golden Corral time!

Why eat cheese, Akam?

Paul encourage behavior

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Spartanburg, SC to Atlanta, GA - 180 miles

New rule: No lactose

Rezar pick sushi buffet

Rezar eat healthy

Rezar make mistake

Imodium not act fast

Oh, cruel karma

Sears for three new pants

Pay Enterprise cleaning fee

Paul and Akam laugh

Atlanta, GA to Orlando, FL - 439 miles

Akam & Rezar

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House show loop is done

Paul, Akam drive, eat Arby’s

Rezar fly, no farts

Pain

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WWE Crash Cage Playset

Thrash,

Bash,

Smash,

Crash.

Crash? No, cash. Cold, hard cash to be spent on toys.

LJN,

Hasbro,

Jakks Pacific,

Mattel.

Mattel? No, mat Hell. My body broken in mat Hell to sell you toys.

Watch me crash into the ring,

So you will want to buy the ring.

Watch my brother launched into the cage,

So you will want to buy the cage.

I am a big toy,

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Made to sell little toys.

I am killed in this cage,

To sell you little cages.

I am flesh and blood

Poured into a mold.

Until I wear out.

WWE,

Crash,

Cage,

Playset.

Playset? No, pain-set.

But who is the one playing?

Pain

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My Vest Has Many Pockets

My vest has many pockets it keeps me safe

My vest has many pockets I can keep precious things close

My vest has many pockets when I run they sag and shake

My vest has many pockets I look scary with my spooky mask

My vest has many pockets what could I keep in them

My vest has many pockets so I can hold a secret

My vest has many pockets only I know where the car keys are

My vest has many pockets so I can keep old fortune cookies

My vest has many pockets but I don't let them get holes

My vest has many pockets but only one is filled with fudge

My vest has many pockets I look scary like a big fisherman

My vest has many pockets but I wrestle without it

My vest has many pockets my possessions are my heart

My vest has many pockets always afraid because I fear myself

My vest has many pockets it keeps me safe

Akam & Rezar

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Channeling My Inner Conflict By Rezar (with input from Akam)

Terror abounds

The droning notes of an ominous dirge

They fill the arena

The divine meeting place of the teeming masses

When the gods weep

And our foes have been ground to dust

Underneath our gargantuan boots

They see their fate on those big ol’ screens

Which, if we’re being honest...

It’s a little bit much, right?

Paul has shown us much of what we know

And channeled our rage

Our conflict

And led us to unimaginable success

A world in which our masks are merely representations of our turmoil

Pain

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Skulls from which the flesh has been rendered

Shading the agony of our souls…

Not to belabor the point, but

The video, it just sort of icks me out, is the thing

It treads a little close to “Dementor” territory for my tastes

I just...I need to make that clear

Nobody will listen, but it’s making it tough to walk to the ring

Stop.

No, I’m just saying, at shows, I’m, like, a wreck--

THE TWISTED WRECKAGE

Of ladders and chairs

Taking years off of--

Okay, so those things suck your soul out

And I don’t know if you’ve been on the ride at Universal Studios

But they’re the scariest part

Like, by a mile

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…..

You never noticed that?

MILES of broken bodies

In our wake

Those gold belts

Will stay atop our shoulders

For ages to come

And when the dust has settled

I’m not going back out there.

...when Armageddon has come and gone…

They can keep their belts.

...the Authors will be--

I have to draw a line somewhere

And Dementors is that line

…

That line is Dementors

Pain

31

…

My soul is staying right where it’s always been

…

…

…

We’re getting rid of those DVDs when we get back to the bus.

Akam & Rezar

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A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason

We’re Akam and Rezar. You know us as the Authors of Pain

And if there’s one thing we hate, it would be the spellings of our names

“Pain” and “name” don’t rhyme, you say?

That’s the least of our worries in this poem today

It’s not “Pain” we detest, nor “Authors” we should note

It’s that our dad misspelled our first ones like some hillbilly dolt

If Papa was Uncle Elmer or one of the Godwins we’d understand

But as this is Paul Ellering it’s therefore completely out of hand

He brought the world Hawk and Animal, and he spelled those right

So why did our names cause him to lose a literary fight?

Pain

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Akam should be Occam, we say, that’s what we demand

Rezar is Razor, Gillette and Schick and Dollar Shave Club be damned

Scott Hall is calling now; folks may think Rezar is a Ramon?

Oh no! And now on line two, we’ve got Rick Bognar on the phone

Ok, now we agree, these horrible spellings we will live with

The last thing we want is a run-in from that beast named McDevitt

Akam & Rezar

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A Slam Poem

Words fall

like opponents dropping

from ladders

from ropes

from the arms of the authors

And like those we vanquish we

SLAM

The count of the ref goes

1

2

3

And another chapter is written

Each a part in an epic as we

SLAM

Through those who would stand in our way

As we

SLAM

DIY

As we

SLAM

The Revival

As we

Pain

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SLAM

Your expectations

As we

SLAM

SLAM

SLAM

And yet we are not satisfied

As we

SLAM

the door on which opportunity knocks open

As we

SLAM

an unfortunate soul through a table

As we

SLAM

These words that fall

like opponents dropping

WE SLAM

Akam & Rezar

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A Haiku about Haku

Sometimes he is Meng

And I've never heard him sing

He was also King

Pain

37

Paiyne

Pain

Comes in many forms

Pain Paine Pane Payne

Back pain when you bend

Thomas Paine is not your friend

Window pane can't defend

Payne Air conditioners

Keep you cool

T-Pain hip hop trend, a traditional fool

Pain is the only god

Pain you feel

Break the pane, make it real

Paine in times that try men's souls

T-Pain with rhymes that are cold

Cold Payne air conditioning

Millions sold

Pain

Paine

Pane

Payne

Akam & Rezar

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American Omega

American Alpha — beautiful

We look at you from the dark

while you shine in the light

You are the Alpha — you make us feel Omega

You wore sweet jackets while we wore dumb vests

Chad's long hair flowed, while we couldn't grow

We tried Jason's cut, but pull it off? We do not

But still, your posters cover our lockers

Hands under our gloves — nails painted black

To match the feelings you make us feel

Stare at you from across the ring, remind us what we lack

We're so cruddy next to you, like we were shocked by electric eels

Our manager is bald, no hair there

Just like how you make us feel empty

We run out of the ring after we see you, so quick

To put on our eyeliner extra thick

Pain

39

We come from Albania and Canada

We try to touch you Americans with holds

But instead, our hearts are in the hold of sad

Put us out of our American Misalphaery

Match over, time to blast Dashboard

And think of how you make us Scream Infidelities

Hands Down, you are the bestest

Make us wish we knew a third Dashboard song to make us feel better

Before I authored pain, I was Sunny (me, the one writing this, Akam)

But you make me feel cloudy

Like super cloudy, the kind with thunderbolts and stuff

And hail, probably hail

My only hope: to meet you in the middle

Could we one day be the Authors of... Gamma?

No, you are too Alpha

Time to go cut our foreheads — for pain, not color

Bye

Akam & Rezar

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Missing Piece Of The Puzzle

As the Authors of Pain dominate the scene

Led by the vision of one Paul Ellering

Together they form a modern wrestling dynasty

A piece is missing from achieving their true destiny

From the Legion of Doom from the mean streets of Chicago

I don’t mean Animal nor Hawk, I’m talking ‘bout Rocco

Leather jacket and pompadour, this dummy was not meek

He helped win Summerslam ‘92 against Money Inc.

Please bring back the puppet, make a painful royal flush,

Akam! Rezar! Ellering! Rocco! OH WHAT A RUSH!

Pain

41

Break Legs & Slam

We are Rezar & Akam.

We don’t like other tag teams, man.

These other teams,

We hate their moves,

We hate their slams,

We hate their boots.



We do not like them. They all suck.

We beat them up. We run amok.

We would fight them in the ring.

We would fight them tagged with Sting.

We would fight them in a Shark Cage Match, fine.

We would fight them on the Network for $9.99.



We’d beat SAnitY down and kick in their kidneys,

Akam & Rezar

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Then send TM-61 packing straight back to Sydney.

We’d twist Heavy Machinery in their fat knees,

And we’ve never heard of Riddick Moss and Tino Sabbatelli.

But bring them on

We do not care.

We’d fight them here,

We’d fight them there.

We would fight them with steel chairs

We would fight them with ring stairs.

We would submit them until they give up.

We would fight them for the Dusty Classic Cup.



Pain

43

Not What They Seem

The crowd sings a song of mere perfection

We lift up our opponents in sync like a mirror’s reflection

We lift with such power and might

Knowing we are about to conclude the match of the night

Yet every time we seem so sure

the pop will be massive when they hit the floor

The fans’ emotions running hot and wild

But every time we touch I feel the fire go mild

What should have been a double powerbomb

Was the perfect finish gone wrong

We are thankful for the fans and their sympathy

Even if they can't tell the difference between Akam and Me

Though the boss might not find it so cute, This Super Collider

For botching this much will be our center divider

For what was a dream come true is a living nightmare

Worse than being called Daivari and D'Lo if they were filled with hot air

We couldn't make it on the indy scene

For we don't do flips or wear masks to the ring

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But we better learn front rolls or even cartwheels

For if Mr. McMahon fires us we'd have to ration our meals

Oh, somebody help us get this execution correct

For the size of us can hardly protect

In a moment of clarity I'm sure we'll be fine

For we show more charisma than any of DIY

Pain

45

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain?

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s pain?

Thou art more searing, and more brutal

Rough winds do shake the full mustache of Wayne

A dude who gave me a deal on a U-Haul one time, he was cool

Sometime too hot, the eye of Paul Ellering shines

And often his gold complexion dimmed, he needs a tan

And every powerbomb from powerbomb sometimes declines

By chance, or cause we drank too much last night, Coors Banquet

But thy eternal tag team championship shall not fade

Nor lose possession of that pain thou owest, a spinning sidewalk slam

Nor shall American Alpha brag we wand'rest in their shade

Because, bro, we don't

So long as men can breathe, or super colliders collide

So long lives this and gives pain to thee, my sick style

Akam & Rezar

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The following work, “Diary Entry,” has been included in this volume completely unedited so that you can see my Authors of Pain’s raw writing talent in the same shining light that I do every time they send me the beginnings of a poem.

- Paul Ellering

Pain

47

Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

Today Mr. Paul Ellerting want us to take flyght from Louisville to St. Louis but we are scared. Mr. Paul Ellerting says that we take off and land at Zacl same time. Mr. Paul Ellerting wants us to get in a Machine Of Time! How do we travel time and not get scared?!?

We beg and go Starship Enterprise Rent-Our-Car and Mr. Paul Ellerting gets our vanual miniature. It has TV for us in seats backs pockets. Mr. Paul Ellerting dryve to St. Louis and we view watch Vegetable Tayles. We like because it is good one about brush hair missing. So sad!!! We miss brush hair times. Mr. Paul Ellerting is sad too. We can tell.

Mr. NIPPLE HATECHA say we mind him of Warrior Roadsters so he give us Mr. Paul Ellerting to help us. We happy MR. NIPPLE HATECHA think so nice-nice of us that he give us Mr. Paul Ellerting to help us and be nice-nice. MR. NIPPLE HATECHA and Mr. Paul Ellerting see BYG thing for us. We lyke byg thing. We byg zo we noe we need byg things for us. Like Vanual Miniature with TV in seats backs pockets! Brush Hair Found!

Akam & Rezar

48

They say we make money. They say fame-fame. They zo say change-change. We change-change.

Butt (hehe) we want make money. We want fame-fame. So we change-change.

Mr. Paul Ellerting wants us to call each other by our names, sleep in separate beds and stop using our special language. We will start tomorrow. We are scared.

.nwodkcamS waR retsoR niaM, olleH .ecalkcen traeh gnihctam fo seceip ruo, eybdooG .sdneirf reverof laiceps ruo, eybdooG

We are the Authors Of Pain. We will make you feel our pain. Our Pain Is Legion.

Now,

AKAM & Rezar

AOP

Pain

49

An Ode to Ellering

We Authors of Pain wouldn’t have much at all,

If it wasn’t for our cantankerous manager, Paul.

We’d still be off TV, muddling about,

If it wasn’t for Paul Ellering helping us out.

We’re just two big dudes, a mean power pack,

Bodies so thick we cannot reach the small of our back,

Even though we are strong, tough, and are tall,

Our key to success is our Uncle Paul.

We only need to pose while Uncle Paul talks,

Because our verbiage lacks unlike Animal and Hawk’s,

He labeled us “Akam” and “Rezar,” to make us sound smart,

But truly it’s because people couldn’t tell us apart.

Wearing his slick leather jacket, Wall Street Journal in his hands,

He cheers us on and makes fun of the marks in the stands,

He overlooks every contract we sign and its rider,

While in our matches, we just try to hit our Super Collider.

Akam & Rezar

50

As a trio, we are the best we can be,

Taking down all the tag teams in NXT,

American Alpha was dominated, the Revival right after,

We broke down #DIY with our Last Chapter.

We beat them, hurt them, leaving them to their fates,

All while getting the gold strapped around our thick-bellied waists,

While we Authors wrote “The Best Tag Team Career of Them All,”

It would never have been published without our editor, Paul.

Pain

51

Palindrome Advice

After our bartending buddy Eddie Net’s bachelor party, he was still drunk the morning of his wedding. We had to wrestle him down and submit him until he sobered up. Afterwards, we wrote him this palindrome.

Pure Boston Crab for Ed Net. A tender of bar c'not sober up.

Akam & Rezar

52

PAIN (The End)

Paul Ellering (our wrestling dad) said

American Alpha sucks real bad

If you attack them at The End

NXT tag teams will fear you, my friend

Pain

53

The Best Of The Last

We found it apropos to dedicate the last chapter to, well, the last chapter.

In order to understand where our finisher came from, we must go back in time.

This story begins when I (Akam) was thirteen years old. I was given a reading assignment in school. I picked a novel that had been on the bookshelf of my childhood home since before I was born: “The Old Man and the Sea.” One of Hemingway’s finest. After I had finished and turned in my paper to Mrs. Farrington, I quickly realized that the book was not finished with me. I would think constantly about Santiago’s struggle. I read the book cover to cover, over and over again. But as I neared the last chapter, I knew that the outcome would always be the same. I had wished that I had never finished the book, so that the story would never end. So, from then on, I would always read a book, ending it just before the final chapter. This became my standard practice to this day.

After a year of teaming together, I came in to the locker room one day, and found Rezar having just finished reading “Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children.” He told me that he was done with the book, but I had noticed that his bookmark was still on the last

Akam & Rezar

54

chapter. It was then that I found out that we shared the same policy on the last chapter.

I (Rezar) had too been saddened by the close of a book. For me it was “The Importance Of Being Earnest,” when I was ten. This similar experience bound us closer than any tag team could be. We talked about our feelings, and the stories we both read and never finished. It was then that we both shared with each other a secret that neither of us had ever told another living soul about: something was missing.

A book needed a last chapter, whether it was written, read, or acted out. It was then that we decided, the last chapter will always be ours.

Since that day, we will read an entire book, up to the last chapter, right before a match. That way, the last chapter will always end up right where it belongs: in the ring.

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The Last Chapter

Akam & Rezar

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Acknowledgements

We could not have written this book without the WWE naming us the Authors of Pain and therefore obligating us to write a book called “Pain,” our manager/dad Paul Ellering, and Road Warrior Animal for letting us touch his cool red shoulder pads once.

All poems written by Akam and Rezar with help from the following:

Foreword – Joey Clift

I Cry When Daddy Calls Me Hawk - Michael Rose

Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl” by The Authors Of Pain - Matthew Brian Cohen

Authors of Pain. Co-Authors in Life - Michael Rose

Akam's Rezar - Colin Hunter, Satirist-in-Chief, KayfabeNews.com

Virginia Woolf Had a Great Finisher - Taylor Orci

Red Thighs - Dino Winwood

Big Trophy - Stephen Loh

Haiku From The Road - Stephen Loh

WWE Crash Cage Playset - James Hornsby

My Vest Has Many Pockets - Jesse Arlen Klein

Channeling My Inner Conflict - Tyler Davidson

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A Poem Featuring Rick Bognar for Some Reason - RD Reynolds WrestleCrap.com

A Slam Poem - Jason Wayne Christian

A Haiku about Haku - Matt McCarthy

Paiyne - Alex Newman

American Omega - Mike Roe

Missing Piece Of The Puzzle - Gene Augusto

Break Legs & Slam - Alex Hoffman

Not What They Seem - Dino Winwood

Shall I Compare Thee To A Summer’s Pain - Taylor Orci

Diary Entry - Brian James O'Connell

An Ode to Ellering - Erik W. Barnes

Palindrome Advice - Joseph Porter

PAIN (The End) - Nicky Urban

The best of the Last - Daniel Weiss

Special Thanks

Alex Hoffman

Brian Rubinow

Amanda Meadows and Geoffrey Golden

The nice lady that makes our big scary vests

Heidenreich

Akam & Rezar

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About The Authors

Akam is a Walt Whitman Award winning poet and 2011 Harvard Rhodes scholars. An avid Mark Twain enthusiast, Akam owns autographed first editions of many of Twain’s most popular works. When he isn’t writing, he wrestles in a tag team with his brother Rezar for WWE’s NXT brand where they hold that company’s top titles. He and Akam are currently writing their next book, “The Book of Dominance,” which will be on store shelves in the near future.

Rezar’s love for poetry began in his teenage years when he spent a summer lifting weights and reading the complete works of Emily Dickinson. He can’t wait to wrestle on WWE’s main roster where he hopes to learn from his literary hero Braun Strowman.

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