Pacific Wilderness Newsletter
1
Willy Killblubber is an ex-whaler who has realized the error of his ways and reformed. He took a law degree, followed by a degree in Marine Biology. He then wrote a Masters on the theme “The Economic and Environmental Consequences of Exploiting Toxic Substances”. We feel that this eminently qualifies him to answer your questions on any topics of concern which may affect the beautiful, but increasingly contaminated, world which we share with our wonderful animal neighbours. ~ Editor HELP DESK PACIFIC WILDLIFE 1 Q & A Dear Willy, Could you suggest an effective method of scaring off or distracting cougars during an attack? Johansson G Sprinter Dear Johansson, Carry a brightly coloured towel, rug, or coat with you which you can hold out and flap to make yourself look larger and more intimidating. Spraying an aerosol substance which will sting the eyes or smell pungent is an option - even if you do not have pepper spray, an insecticide such Eariwig Destroyer is usually pretty daunting. My wife uses Eve’s Seduction Cologne Spray to ward off particularly persistent attacks. If these methods do not work you are in trouble. A peace offering, such as leſtover lunch or a small dog, has been known to deflect a hungry cougar. Good Luck! Willy Dear Willy, We have had an outbreak of 3-headed frogs in my garden pond. My son has been selling them as pets to his classmates at school at twice the usual price, which I think is generous because they are in effect getting 3 frogs for the price of one, but his teacher says this is fraudulent since all three heads are attached to one body, and she alleges that he is overcharging. Could you settle this dispute for us? Is a frog with 3 heads technically one frog or three? Also, if I double the dose of DDT I’ve been putting in the garden pond, do you think I might get 6-headed frogs? I'm with you in search of justice and free enterprise. Harry Moralless Dear Harry, I think the fairest thing to do in this instance is to charge for a frog-and-a-half, since the heads all depend upon one body. Following this logic, if you managed to breed 6-headed frogs you should charge for 3 frogs. You certainly cannot have too much of a good thing, so if doubling the dose of DDT in your pond produces 6-headed frogs, do let me know. Two suggestions, though. Firstly, you may find that your frogs need a larger body to support 6 heads, so consider feeding them large doses of Bull’s steroids for Aspiring Athletes. is worked wonders for my son, changing him from a 90-lb weakling to a 200-lb bully in just 6 weeks. Secondly, perhaps you should patent your recipe for producing multi-headed frogs. Contact me if you need further help in this matter. Live long and prosper! Willy Dear Willy, I am a dedicated environmentalist and animal-lover who is addicted to fishing. My favourite catch is Coho salmon, which have to be returned to the wild. Could you offer some suggestions the best bait to use for this type of salmon, and also a method of relieving their discomfort aſter being hooked? Marlene Baithook Dear Marlene, We have found that Coho are remarkably susceptible to live blow-worms, particularly if they are brightly coloured. Phosphor’s Luminous Psychedelic paints are water resistant and glow tantalizingly in water of any visibility. We proved this when fishing off the local paint and oil recycling plant a few weeks ago. Since you are not going to eat the salmon you don’t have to worry about the minimal toxic side-effects (in lab experiments with rats one in one hundred glowed in the dark. Even if this side effect occurred in humans, I believe it would only be detrimental to cat burglars!) Regarding a humane way of treating the hooked salmon, try anointing the wound with Ouch’s Instant Pain Reliever, which is also an antiseptic. Willy In this column Willy will pick his “Letter of the Month” and follow up the reader’s concern with action against the offending party. To date he has succeeded in closing down three environmentally dangerous companies. He has also won four class-action lawsuits against companies with environmentally unsavoury reputations. THE HELP LINE Dear Readers, In last month’s issue we published a letter from Sandra Profitt who claimed that eating a road-killed raccoon in stew flavoured with Sunny’s Seedless Sesame Sauce had landed her in hospital for three weeks with e-coli poisoning and a strange orange rash. We successfully analyzed the contents of the stew and have initiated the following lawsuits: Sunny’s are being sued for not informing customers that a one-in-eight million allergic reaction to the combination of sesame seeds and demonic mustard can occur, causing an unsightly orange rash which lasts approximately 3 weeks and causes extreme embarrassment to the hapless victim. The Local Counsel, who are being sued for not having stamped an “eat-by” date on the dead raccoon. Cheers Sandra, we expect to have you back on your (financial) feet in no time! ~ Willy Send your letters to willy@pacificwildlife.com. We reserve the right to edit your letters as needed.
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Transcript of Pacific Wilderness Newsletter
Willy Killblubber is an ex-whaler who has realized the error of his ways and reformed. He took a law degree, followed by a degree in Marine Biology. He then wrote a Masters on the theme “The Economic and Environmental Consequences of Exploiting Toxic Substances”. We feel that this eminently qualifies him to answer your questions on any topics of concern which may affect the beautiful, but increasingly contaminated, world which we share with our wonderful animal neighbours. ~ Editor
HELP DESK
PACIFIC WILDLIFE 1
Q&ADear Willy,Could you suggest an effective method of scaring off or distracting cougars during an attack?Johansson G Sprinter
Dear Johansson,Carry a brightly coloured towel, rug, or coat with you which you can hold out and flap to make yourself look larger and more intimidating. Spraying an aerosol substance which will sting the eyes or smell pungent is an option - even if you do not have pepper spray, an insecticide such Eariwig Destroyer is usually pretty daunting. My wife uses Eve’s Seduction Cologne Spray to ward off particularly persistent attacks. If these methods do not work you are in trouble. A peace offering, such as leftover lunch or a small dog, has been known to deflect a hungry cougar. Good Luck!Willy
Dear Willy,We have had an outbreak of 3-headed frogs in my garden pond. My son has been selling them as pets to his classmates at school at twice the usual price, which I think is generous because they are in effect getting 3 frogs for the price of one, but his teacher says this is fraudulent since all
three heads are attached to one body, and she alleges that he is overcharging. Could you settle this dispute for us? Is a frog with 3 heads technically one frog or three? Also, if I double the dose of DDT I’ve been putting in the garden pond, do you think I might get 6-headed frogs? I'm with you in search of justice and free enterprise.Harry Moralless
Dear Harry,I think the fairest thing to do in this instance is to charge for a frog-and-a-half, since the heads all depend upon one body. Following this logic, if you managed to breed 6-headed frogs you should charge for 3 frogs. You certainly cannot have too much of a good thing, so if doubling the dose of DDT in your pond produces 6-headed frogs, do let me know. Two suggestions, though. Firstly, you may find that your frogs need a larger body to support 6 heads, so consider feeding them large doses of Bull’s steroids for Aspiring Athletes. This worked wonders for my son, changing him from a 90-lb weakling to a 200-lb bully in just 6 weeks. Secondly, perhaps you should patent your recipe for producing multi-headed frogs. Contact me if you need further help in this matter.Live long and prosper!Willy
Dear Willy,I am a dedicated environmentalist and animal-lover who is addicted to fishing. My favourite catch is Coho salmon, which have to be returned to the wild. Could you offer some suggestions the best bait to use for this type of salmon, and also a method of relieving their discomfort after being hooked?Marlene Baithook
Dear Marlene,We have found that Coho are remarkably susceptible to live blow-worms, particularly if they are brightly coloured. Phosphor’s Luminous Psychedelic paints are water resistant and glow tantalizingly in water of any visibility. We proved this when fishing off the local paint and oil recycling plant a few weeks ago. Since you are not going to eat the salmon you don’t have to worry about the minimal toxic side-effects (in lab experiments with rats one in one hundred glowed in the dark. Even if this side effect occurred in humans, I believe it would only be detrimental to cat burglars!) Regarding a humane way of treating the hooked salmon, try anointing the wound with Ouch’s Instant Pain Reliever, which is also an antiseptic.Willy
In this column Willy will pick his “Letter of the Month” and follow up the reader’s concern with action against the offending party. To date he has succeeded in closing down three environmentally dangerous companies. He has also won four class-action lawsuits against companies with environmentally unsavoury reputations.
THE HELP LINE Dear Readers,In last month’s issue we published a letter from Sandra Profitt who claimed that eating a road-killed raccoon in stew flavoured with Sunny’s Seedless Sesame Sauce had landed her in hospital for three weeks with e-coli poisoning and a strange orange rash. We successfully analyzed the contents of the stew and have initiated the following lawsuits: Sunny’s are being sued for not informing customers that a one-in-eight million allergic reaction to the combination of sesame seeds and demonic mustard can occur, causing an unsightly orange rash which lasts approximately 3 weeks and causes extreme embarrassment to the hapless victim. The Local Counsel, who are being sued for not having stamped an “eat-by” date on the dead raccoon.
Cheers Sandra, we expect to have you back on your (financial) feet in no time!
~ Willy
Send your letters to [email protected]. We reserve the right to edit your letters as needed.
