Allen Jeffrey Gurfel

I hit up my Favorites. Scroll. Click. I type 18 in one box and 45 in the other. Search. It would be a relief just to know. I wouldnt have to worry about rubber. Save some money, right? Itll happen sooner or later anyway. Ill be free to do some kinky shit haha. I write a few emails. I blaze as I get ready. A persons life can be told in terms of distance from some fixed point. Oh man its one of those thoughts that you think and then you tell yourself to un-think but then you think more and worry that youll never stop thinking it. But like, its true. At every moment Im some miles North or West or whatever of a pothole in China. Same goes for time, for the past. Its all just movement, atoms moving. Some of those movements may as well feel good haha. I check my email. There are responses. What am I doing? Ugh. Think of something else. Last night. Oh last night. I pull on the tightest pair of jeans I own, the torn up ones, extra careful with the zipper haha. I look at myself in the mirror. Oh yes. Id want this. I pull on my boots and a hat and head for the door. I check my phone. 3 new texts. Ill b at The Basement round 11. Its cold out. I walk toward the train into the city. Im sitting at the bar. Where the fuck is everyone? Am I supposed to buy myself drinks all night? Im looking at the tiny puddles dripping off peoples glasses. Theyre like little lakes. A precious young cupcake takes the seat by me.

Hey, he says. Hey yourself, I say.You look a bit lonely. Maybe just a bit. Can you help? I think so. What are you drinking? Scotch, I say because itll make him hard. Oh my, he laughs, thats serious. I hear it puts hair on your chest.If it isnt already there, I tell him. Whats your name? I ask like Im real curious. Ryan, he smiles. Your name would be Ryan. Can I drown myself in these tiny lakes? Wait. Wait. Thisll make it hotter.

Were in the back. Its dark. Im sitting on a toilet. Ryan grabs my knees and spreads my legs. He unzips my jeans. Im watching his head go up and down. He looks up at me. I put my hand on the back of his head. He likes that. Teeth, again. Ow you fucker, I shove him away.He loses balance and falls backwards. He lands on his ass and rolls back hitting his head on the tile wall. He grabs his head and makes this pitiful squeal. Poor little piggy. I laugh. He looks at me with the funniest contorted face. I kind of want to kick him. Thats what you get for being a Ryan. He gets up. He wipes his mouth. Hes been drooling haha. He looks at me like a sad little hamster. He storms out of the bathroom stall. Go Ryan, go.

Im starting to get a little drunk. Im standing outside smoking a cigarette. Its 2014. No smoking indoors. No nothing anywhere. How can I miss a world I never knew? You read Huckleberry whats-his-face? He goes on a fucking adventure. He hops on a fucking riverboat. No one calls child services. There was a time when you could say Im going to follow my heart and really mean it, not like that self-help shit today. Yeah, there was fucking destiny and shit. There used to be the frontier. The Wild West. The wilderness. America. Recreate yourself. Start anew. We came to the sea on the other side. We covered the whole thing. The trembling realm of possibility moved to the cities. If you wanted to reinvent yourself, if you struck out in the little town of your birth my love, you needed only to move to Americas great cities. Come to New York. No more wandering in the desert. No matter who you are, youll find a place. Someone will embrace you whether on the Upper East Side or in the East Village, Harlem or Chelsea. Im with Mother Regina the Supreme, a bizarre hybrid of Mary, Andy Warhol, The Joker and Nicole Kidman as photographed by Annie Leibowitz. I glance up the street. Its Molly and Powder. Why Regina?! Is that you?! screeched the fantabulous, spectastical Lady Havok. And who is this? asks the Lady. Why, says Mother Regina, here is a lovely young thing.Im a lovely young thing. I smile. The Lady moves closer to me. Oh how she sparkles. How are you tonight, stud? she asks. Oh like any other night, I modestly report haha. Will I see you in the Basement?Maybe, I answer. Whats your real name? I want to add you on Facebook.She looks at me. Write this down. L. A. D. Y. Space. H. A. V. O. K. Whats yours, ginger? Bitch, there is no need to get salty, Mother Regina interrupts. Youll mess up that wig. That thing is gorgeous. You look fantastic. Isnt that just beautiful?Its magical, I say.

Im dancing. I love you baby oh ha do you feel that too oh my god haha. Im so thirsty. Im having a glass of cold water at the bar. Everything moves in slow motion.I dance with this angel. I cant help but sigh for I fear I will never dance with such an angel again. Can you drown in sound oh my god haha I rhyme haha well almost! Youre so beautiful! I cant believe that happened to you. I can just see youre a good person. That pain you felt in your life? Im sorry for it even though I wasnt the cause. Lets hug. No listen to me. I truly mean it. I wish you happiness.

Im in an apartment. Everything is blurry. Whats this guys name again?He comes out of his bedroom, Is this the shit you wanted? Oh, I say, yeah that looks pretty good. Wow. Whered you get a pipe like that? He whips out his lighter. The crystals dissolve into heavenly vapor. He inhales and passes it.

Puff. Pufff. Pufffff.

I get up to head downstairs. Where are you in a rush to? he says. I should go find my friend, I say. Why dont you come over here for a minute. I did something for you.I sit on the edge of the bed. He grabs my arm and pulls me toward him. My head slams into the wall as he pulls my pants down. Good thing torn is the look, huh? Haha.

I remember that joke we had about McKenna and wed always make it in front of her but she wouldnt know what we were talking about. She still laughed like she got it. Oh McKenna, her hair was fucking awesome though. It was. I wonder if you still hang out with her. I remember when we dropped acid together while Danielle was at work. You thought you saw a gremlin in the bathroom. We watched those Paula Deen clips and thought they were in slow motion but then later we found out they really were in slow motion hahaha. I went out on your balcony and was one with things. You laid on the couch and said Youre the weird outdoorsy hippie and Im, like, the cool hippie with an iPhone and I said What? They didnt have iPhones and then Danielle came home and we laughed at her cause she

Im on the floor. Im not sure if Im bleeding. He lights a cigarette. I stand up. He looks at me and laughs. He turns away from me. I take the lamp off his desk and bash him in the head with it. He falls. I hit him again and again. The base of the lamp crashes into his face. I kick him once or twice. No smoking indoors mother fucker. I pull my pants up and walk over to his mirror. Im covered with blood. Theres a wig hanging off the corner of the frame. I put it on. I leave the apartment. I run into the Lady in the staircase. Oo honey, I love the look.

Im dancing. The lights are so bright. Im sweating. I dont know anyone at this club tonight. Im free. I see Ryan across the floor by the coat check. I was that young a year or two ago. I walk over to him. He stands there looking at me. I love you, I say. I kiss him. I think I catch a smile. He hugs me so tightly, like hell never leave again.

Im dancing. The lights are so bright. Im sweating. I dont know anyone at this club tonight. Im free.

I think I see Ryan across the floor by the coat check. I was that young a year or two ago. I push my way through the crowd toward him. I cant see him but I move toward him. I make it to the coat check and I look around, but I dont see him. He isnt there anymore.

Im dancing. The lights are so bright. Im sweating. I dont know anyone at this club tonight. Im free.

Im walking to the subway. Im at the station. Im so tired. Im on the subway. I come out into the cold early morning air. Its almost light. I walk as the sky warms. The suns in my eyes now. I figured out long ago that you live East of here.

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