OPel gazette - Gdekalb co.opgdekalb.com/wp-content/uploads/OPG-Dekalb-Jan-2-2018-min.pdf ·...

January 2, 2018 Your success. . . . . is our business! Volume 13, Issue 15

“T“THEHE HHOTTESTOTTEST LLITTLEITTLE PPaaPERPER IINN TTOWNOWN!”!”

FREEtAKE oNE

Distributed 1st & 3rd Wednesday of each month by OPG Dekalb, Inc. PO Box 33, Cortland, IL 60112For advertising rates go to www.opgdekalb.com Contact Tim at [email protected] or 815-501-0705

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The Wisdom of Children •When your dad is mad and asks

you, "Do I look stupid?" Don't answer. •Never tell your Mom her diet's not

working. •Stay away from prunes. •Don't pull Dad's finger when he tells you to. •Never let your three-year-old brother in the same

room as your school assignment. •If you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. •Felt-tip markers are not good to use as lipstick. •Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a

baseball bat. •When you get a bad grade in school, show it to

your Mom when she's on the phone.

Optimist, Pessimist, and Engineer The optimist: This glass is half full. The pessimist: This glass is half empty. The engineer: This container is twice as large as itneeds to be.

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Another Goody For The OldtimersMy Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and

spread mayo on the same cutting board with thesame knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to getfood poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on thecounter AND I used to eat it raw sometimes, too.Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paperin a brownpaper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remem-ber getting e-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swim-ming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk aboutboring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up aphone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PAsystem.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanentinjury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn ingym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoeswith air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. Ican't recall any injuries but they must have happenedbecause they tell us how much safer we are now..

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupidkids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang

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the national anthem, and staying in detention afterschool caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. Whatan archaic health system we had then. Rememberschool nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish some-thing before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without com-puters, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digitalTV cable stations.

Oh yeah.... and where was the Benadryl and sterili-zation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have beenkilled!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel lefton vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt,Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome(kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodinedid) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed bya 10-day dose of a $249 bottle of antibiotics, and thenMom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leav-ing a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was sucha threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either be-cause if we did, we got our butt spanked there andthen we got our butt spanked again when we gothome.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door comingover and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just beforehe fell off. Little did his Mom know thatshe could have owned our house. Instead, she pickedhim up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was aneighborhood run amuck.

Math Homework Parents are expected to participate in their chil-

dren's education, and my friends were no exception.They gladly help their fifth-grade son, Andrew, when-ever he's stumped. One day after school, Andrew raninto the house waving a paper in the air. "Hey, Mom,great news! There were only three mistakes on mymath homework," he announced. "You made one, Dadmade one and I made one!"

Community Newspaper The town of Glenelg, Maryland is such a small

community, I was surprised that they had a communitynewspaper. I asked one old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else isdoing, but we like to read the paper anyway to seewho's been caught at it."

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Black and White (Under age 40? You won't understand.)

You could hardly see for all the snow, Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go. Pull a chair up to the TV set, Good Night, David. Good Night, ! Chet."Depending on the channel you tuned, You got Rob and Laura - or Ward and June. It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.

I Love Lucy, The Real McCoys, Dennis the Menace, the Cleaver boys, Rawhide, Gunsmoke, Wagon Train, Superman, Jimmy and Lois Lane.Father Knows Best, Patty Duke, Rin Tin! Tin and Lassie too, Donna Reed on Thursday night! -- Life looked better in black and white.

I wanna go back to black and white. Everything always turned out right. Simple people, simple lives... Good guys always won the fights.Now nothing is the way it seems, In living color on the TV screen. Too many murders, too many fights, I wanna go back to black and white.

In God they trusted, alone in bed, they slept, A promise made was a promise kept. They never cussed or broke their vows. They'd never make the network now.But if I could, I'd rather be In a TV town in '53.It felt so good. It felt so right. Life looked better in black and white.I'd trade all the channels on the satellite, If I could just turn back the clock tonightTo when everybody knew wrong from right. Life was better in black and white!

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Parental Rules A priest at a parochial school wanted to point out

the proper behavior for church. He was trying to elicitfrom the youngsters, rules that their parents mightgive before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second gradercited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on... "And what rule do your parents give you before

you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy. Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order

something cheap."

Native Tongue A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who

was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Ger-mans would speak English. But I found that manypeople spoke only their native tongue - including theticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket,then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like awindmill. I simply nodded from time to time to showhim that I was interested. When he had gone, anAmerican woman soldier in the compartment leanedforward and asked if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed. "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat

an eyelid when he told you that you were on thewrong train."

Offer of Help One summer evening, a 3-year-old came in while

his parents were setting the table for supper. Quite sur-prisingly, he asked if he could help. His mother said,"No, but I appreciate your asking."

The child responded, "Well, I appreciate your say-ing no."

Not Feeling Well A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has-

n't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leavesthe room and comes back with three different bottlesof pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a bigglass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill witha big glass of water after lunch. Then just before goingto bed, take the red pill with another big glass ofwater."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the manstammers, "My goodness, doc, exactly what's myproblem?"

Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

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The End of the Ham A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.

After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed itin a pan for baking.

Her friend asked her,"Why did you cut off theend of the ham"?

And she replied ,"I really don't know but mymother always did, so I thought you were sup-posed to."

Later when talking to her mother she asked herwhy she cut off the end of the ham before bakingit, and her mother replied, "I really don't know,but that's the way my mom always did it."

A few weeks later while visiting her grand-mother, the young woman asked, "Grandma, whyis it that you cut off the end of a ham before youbake it?"

Her grandmother replied, "Well dear, otherwiseit would never fit into my baking pan."

The Defendant The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are

you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got

a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy whodone it."

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An Irish Toast A guy raises his glass and toasts his blonde

girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour be-fore the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" "That is an authentic Irish toast." "Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs and cin-

namon." "Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" "That's French toast."

Not At Work My boss didn't come into work today. He

called this morning and said he was having a vi-sion problem. When I asked what was wrong, hereplied, "I just can't see myself at work today."

Boss Prepared A salesman was assigned to secure an impor-

tant client but failed in his mission. He faxed his secretary and asked her to break

the news indirectly to his boss. His note read,"Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."

He received the following fax from his secre-tary:

"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."

Oil on Fish Students at school were asked to write about

the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom

opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oiland all the sardines were dead."

Water Hazard A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and

getting somewhat bored with the round; so whenwe came upon the water hazard with two duckssitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks hecouldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn'teven get one to move. Being a guy, he took thebet. He launched four tee shots toward the ducks,& even threw two by hand, & the ducks stillwouldn't budge. Only after he lost six golf ballsdid he realize the ducks were decoys.

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Real Stories Of Technically Challenged People

1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"

2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient

called back to say all she received was a cover-sheetand a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thinghappened."

2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I did-

n't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I foldedit so only the recipient would open it and read it."

---------I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping

beside her car."Do you need some help?" I asked.She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the

battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't getinto my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distantconvenience store) would have a battery for this?"

"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" Iasked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered,handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the keyand manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Whydon't you drive over there and check about the batter-ies ... it's a long walk."

-----------Tech Support: "What does the screen say now?"Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."Tech Support: "Well?"Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

------------My friend called his car insurance company to tell

them to change his address from Texas to Vermont.The woman who took the call asked where Vermontwas.

As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said,"Look, I'm not stupid or anything, just tell me whatstate it's in?"

CommonymsA Commonym is a group of three words or

phrases that share a common trait. For example: car - tree - elephant

They all have trunks!

1. furniture - mustaches - skis

2. golf course - coffee shop - quart

3. he - she - they

4. jupiter - Alaska - blue whale

5. wood tick - leech - mosquito

6. yawning - laughter - influenza

7. improper - unit - mixed

8. marigold - mustard - canary

9. snake - cavity - bottomless

10. kidney - string - black

Answers on page 15 22


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How Can Life Insurance Help You?You may not be aware of it, but September is LifeInsurance Awareness Month. Of course, you proba-bly recognize, at least in a general sense, the impor-tance of life insurance, but do you know the variousways in which it can help you?

Life insurance can play a sizable role in your abilityto achieve some important financial goals, such asthese:

Helping your family maintain its lifestyle – If youare married and have young children at home, youand your spouse may need to work. If you were nolonger around and your earnings were gone, couldyour family still afford to live as they do now? Ade-quate life insurance can help them preserve theirlifestyle.

Helping your children continue their education –Even if you weren’t planning to foot the entire billfor your children’s college education, you still mightbe doing what you can, such as contributing to a 529education savings plan. If your income was lost,could your family still afford to continue these con-tributions? With enough life insurance, you can im-

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prove the chances that your children will at least getsome financial help for college or vocational training.

Helping your survivors pay off debts – Are all yourdebts paid off? If not, you could be leaving your fam-ily on the hook for some of them, such as credit cardsand car loans – not to mention your mortgage. Also,as uncomfortable as it may be to consider it, funeraland burial costs can easily run into the thousands. Theproceeds of your life insurance policy can help paydown debts, handle your final expenses – and relieveyour family of costly burdens.

Helping your spouse build resources for retirement –It’s almost impossible for most of us to save too muchfor retirement. Your spouse may already have someretirement accounts, such as a 401(k) and an IRA, butwill these be enough to sustain a long retirement?Through life insurance, you can potentially add signif-icant amounts to your spouse’s retirement assets.

As we’ve seen, you can accomplish a lot with life in-surance. But how much do you need?

If you want the appropriate amount of coverage, youshould consider a variety of factors. How much doyou earn? How much does your spouse earn? Howmany children do you have? How old are they? Howmuch do you owe on your home? By answering theseand other, similar questions, you can arrive at a cover-age level that’s suitable for your needs. Also, keep inmind that those needs will change – for example, ifyour children are grown and you’ve downsized yourliving arrangements, you may require less insurancethan at earlier times in your life.

Life Insurance Awareness Month is a good time to re-mind yourself of the importance of insurance and ofthe need to own the correct amount. So, review yourcoverage soon – after all, you can’t predict the future,but you can still prepare for it.

This article was written by Edward Jones for use byyour local Edward Jones Financial Advisor.

Edward Jones is a licensed insurance producer in allstates and Washington, D.C., through Edward D.

Jones & Co., L.P., and in California, New Mexico andMassachusetts through Edward Jones Insurance

Agency of California, L.L.C.; Edward Jones Insur-ance Agency of New Mexico, L.L.C.; and EdwardJones Insurance Agency of Massachusetts, L.L.C.

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Real Stories Of Technically Challenged People

Several years ago we had an intern who was none tooswift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretaryand said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do Ido?"

"Just use copier paper," she told him.With that, the intern took his last remaining blank

piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and pro-ceeded to make five blank copies.

----------I was working the help desk. One day one of the

computer operators called me and asked if anything"bad" would happen if she dropped coins into theopenings of her PC. I asked her if this was somethingshe was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" andhung up. So I got out my trusty tool kit and paid her avisit. I opened her CPU case and sure enough, therewas 40 cents.

-----------One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new

system administrator trying to restore it. He inserted aCD and needed to type a path name to a directorynamed "i386." He started to type it and paused, askingme,

"Where's the key for that line thing?" I asked whathe was talking about, and he said, "You know, thatone that looks like an upside-down exclamationmark."

I replied, "You mean the letter 'i'?" and he said,"Yeah, that's it!"

------------This person had a broken lamp which he wanted to

discard. Unfortunately, the power cord ran under hisrefrigerator, making it impossible to move the lampwhile the cord was attached. He decided to cut thecord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn'tremember to unplug it first. I found him in the hall-way rolling back and forth.

-------------I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large

motorhome was towed into the garage. The front ofthe vehicle was in dire need of repair and the wholething generally looked like an extra in "Twister." Iasked the manager what had happened. He told methat the driver had set the cruise control, then went inback to make a sandwich.

--------------I called a company and asked to speak to Bob.

The person who answered said, "Bob is on vacation.Would you like to hold?"

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J3 Heating + Cooling offers:- Furnace repair and installation- Boiler maintenance and repair- Whole-house humidifiers- Hanging garage/shop heaters

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ATTENTION: DeKalb County Homeowners, we are doing it again this year! Great opportunity with only 22 units available in 2019.

Quality, American Made HVAC Systems:

SERVICE NOW HEATING Helping22 Homeowners by “Giving Away” Furnaces for $941.With Off-Season Air Conditioning

Call Today!!!

815-758-8484Call Today!!!

815-758-8484*With approved credit. Ask for details. **With high efficiency upgrade.

If you qualify, local utilities may offer up to $550 in rebates towards your new system.

Dear Neighbor:I have great news for your wallet if your furnace is over 12 years old. Allow me to explain... Every year, the months of January, February & March can be slow for my business. I employ great people and want to keep them working during these long, slow months. That is why I’ve come up with a Win-Win Situation for both of us.

Every year, the big manufacturers of furnaces & air conditioners guess how many to build to meet the demand. Of course, they’re never exactly right. So, they always have some inventory that they must hold over until the next summer season. I went to one of these companies and contracted for the purchase of eighteen Deluxe furnaces and air conditioners in the four most popular sizes used in DeKalb County. And, because of the quantity and time of year, I was able to buy them at drastically reduced prices.

They are brand-new Deluxe Models. They are NOT the seconds or “blems” or standard “builder” models. They are factory-fresh furnaces and air conditioners and have a full 10-year factory warranty.

How To Get A Furnace For Peanuts If you are interested in a new heating/cooling system (but only if one of the four sizes I have will fit your house, of course), I am “giving” you the furnace and all I ask for is the $941 in labor & material costs for installation.

Perfect Fit For Your HomeI will come out and measure your home (and determine the availability of the proper size). Don’t forget, I only have 22 matched Deluxe systems

in four sizes. When they are gone, this remarkable offer ends also. Just call Heather at (815)758-8484.

Absolutely No Obligation After I completely explain the installation, there is absolutely no obligation. If you decide you don’t want to take advantage of the spectacular savings...That’s OK.

You Can Buy With NO CashYou don’t even have to pay me right away. I have set up a terrific 0%* payment plan.

Fuel Efficiency Guarantee**I’m so confident that you will save at least 25% on your heating and cooling bills (I’m projecting more like 30%), that I will pay you the difference for a year if you don’t! I’ll show you exactly how this works.If these heating and air conditioning systems were not among the best on the market, I couldn’t afford to make such a promise.

Why This Offer Can’t LastI only have a few of each of the four sizes. When all of the air conditioners are sold and all the furnaces are “given” away, that’s it. There are no more at this price. Call Heather now at (815)758-8484 to set up an appointment for your no-obligation survey.

Warmly,

H O M E S E R V I C E SP L U M B I N G • S E W E RH V A C • E L E C T R I C A L

H O M E S E R V I C E SP L U M B I N G • S E W E RH V A C • E L E C T R I C A L

(Information gathered herein is from sources considered reliable.Accuracy however cannot be guaranteed. All humorous storiesand jokes appearing here are intended for entertainment purposes only and are not meant to disrespect or harm any groupor individuals. Ads appearing in this paper are not to be considered as an endorsement or validation by Orange PeelGazette for products or services offered.)

Commonym Answers: 1. they are waxed2. have cups 3. pronouns 4. largest oftheir kind 5. blood suckers 6. contagious7. fractions 8. shades of yellow 9. theyhave pits 10. beans


The Ninth Green The husband and wife were playing on the ninth

green when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need help." she said. The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little while later he returned, picked up his club

and began to line up his shot on the green. His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and

said, "I may be dying and you're putting?" "Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second

hole. He said he will come and help you." "The second hole??? When in the world is he com-

ing???" "I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking

his putt ....."Everyone's already agreed to let him playthrough."

How Important? I was watching a British detective story on TV.

The local group was gathering in their hunting bestfor a fox hunt. In the opening scene my 9 year olddaughter wanted to know what the people were doing,noticing the formal hunting outfits and well groomedhorses. I replied that they were looking for a fox.There was a short stunned silence and then she asked:"Is it a very important fox?"

Title goes here According to a recent article I just read on nutri-

tion, they said eating right doesn't have to be compli-cated. Nutritionists say there is a simple way to tell ifyou're eating right. Colors. Fill your plates with brightcolors. Greens, reds, yellows. In fact, I did that thismorning. I had an entire bowl of M&M's. It was deli-cious! I never knew eating right could be so easy.

Fire Test Joey and his classmates had just finished a tour of

the local fire hall. Before each student could leave,the fire chief quizzed him. The fire chief asked littleJoey, "What do you do if your clothes catch on fire?"

Joey replied promptly, "I don't put them on."

opee Gazette says: Let’s Play!Who Wants to Be a Zillionaire?

$646,000 Question...The Grammer school was established in ColonialAmerica in this year?A) 1620 B) 1635C) 1652 D) 1776 $647,000 Question...The New England Primer was the first and mostwidely used one of these in the colonies?A) paint B) textbookC) pencil D) school desk$648,000 Question...The first public library was established in 1698 inthis southern town?A) Savannah, GA B) Richmond, VAC) Raleigh, NC D) Charles Town, SC$649,000 Question...In 1837 at Mount Holyoke, the first college for thesewas established?A) women B) senior citizensC) dogs D) blind persons$650,000 Question...In 1852 Massachusetts enacts the first mandatory lawfor this in school? A) lunch B) sportsC) attendance D) grades $651,000 Question...In 1856 in Watertown, Wisconsin the first one ofthese opened in the U.S.?A) lunch room B) sports stadiumC) playground D) kindergarten$652,000 Question...In 1867 Christopher Sholes invents this device?A) ink pen B) typewriterC) copier D) black board

(Answers below - See you next issue)

Answers: $646 - B $647 - B; $648 - D; $649 - A; $650 - C; $651 - D; $652 - B.

THE PUBLIC

EDUCATION QUIZ #1


Leave it to the KidsThis comes from a religious elementary school.

Kids were asked questions about the Old and NewTestaments. They have not been retouched or cor-rected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in.)

•In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, Godgot tired of creating the world, so he took the Sab-bath off.

•Adam and Eve were created from an appletree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noahbuilt an ark, which the animals come on to inpears.

•Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ballof fire by night.

•The Jews were a proud people and throughouthistory they had trouble with the unsympatheticGenitals.

•Samson was a strongman who let himself beled astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

•Moses led the hebrews to the Red Sea, wherethey made unleavened bread which is bread with-out any ingredients.

•The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.Afterwards, Moses went up Mount Cyanide to getthe ten ammendments.

•The seventh commandment is thou shalt notadmit adultery.

•Moses died before he ever reached Canada.Then Joshua led the hebrews in the battle of Geri-tol.

•The greatest miracle in the Bible is whenJoshua told his son to stand still and he obeyedhim.

•David was a hebrew king skilled at playing theliar. he fought with the Finklesteins, a race of peo-ple who lived in Biblical times.

•Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wivesand 700 porcupines.

•When the three wise guys from the east sidearrived, they found Jesus in the manager.

•Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which saysto do one to others before they do one to you. Healso explained, "a man doth not live by sweatalone."

•It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the deadand managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.

•The people who followed the lord were calledthe 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of theapostles.

•One of the oppossums was St. Matthew whowas also a taximan.

•St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preachedholy acrimony, which is another name for mar-riage.

•Christians have only one spouse. This is calledmonotony.

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