OnlinessueI

As you may have guessed, paper pick up was sleezy, so be nice to the new neos, they sure bruise easy. The selection limited and submissions appalling, decisions made quick cause Scruffy’s was calling. It’’s time to move on, to talk about Spring, with advice columns and interviews, you know, those old things. There’s space filler and some promises of “funny”, and a lack of advertisers, and advertising money. But we made the paper, online no less, slightly less censored with less pressure to impress. We’re off to find new ways to distribute the good news, maybe banners or street yelling, or crooning our blues. So thanks for checking it out, “The Rope Online.” Maybe next paper we’ll get our shit together on time. Can I get a satch? Satchel?

Oh nevermind.

CUNNING LINGUISTBro. Ted KenNoZedy, esq.

LORDE MAYORBro. Jesus Loves Me, This I NoZe

SHEKEL KEEPERBro. NoZe’s Ark

MEDIA WHOREBro. Tickle Me ElmNoZe

INTERNET LADBro. ThumbeliNoZe

THE BORED OF GRAFTBro. No Means NoZeBro. N-O-Z-E, etcBro. TelemuNoZe

THE BROTHERBro. KuntNoZe Kinte

THAT GIRLBro. NoZey Loves Chachi

THOSE GUYSBro. Hurricane KatriNoZeBro. TheNoZeous MonkBro. NoZe sequiturBro. Love Potion # NoZe

EXILESBro. Breakin’ 2 Electric NoZealooBro. Kurt VonNoZegutBro. AbstiNoZeBro. Cliff’s NoZEBro. Grand NoZe PartyBro. Fear and NoZeing in Elm MottBro. Fats DomiNoZeBro. RomaNoZe ClefBro. Don’t Cry For Me ArgentiNoZeBro. NoZetre Dame Walk-OnBro. Charles K. PoNoZiBro. Obi Wan KeNoZebiBro. NoZe v. Wade

THE BROTHERS

NEOPHYTESBro. Burlington NoZe Factory; Bro. NoZesome Dove; Bro. Bear NoZessitites; Bro. Hunter NoZe ThompsonBro. MeNoZepause; Bro. Life Ain’t Easy For A Boy Named NoZe; Bro. NoZe’n On The Ritz

Welcome Back, Upper East of Bagby-ers. Gossip Girl here (again, God, I know), your one and only source into the scan-

dalous lives of Baylor’s elite. I’ve noted that Common Grounds has been a breeding place for whispered rumors of

spring break hookups and for various diseases, but let’s skip all the fluff and cut right to my inbox-which is overflow-

ing with various tales of this break’s tomfoolery.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but thankfully most of you headed to Destin, Gulf Shores, or South Padre, and

what happens in those places follows you home. But don’t worry, Thetas: while you’re busy trying to wash off that

‘sunburn’ (honey, you might need antibiotics from your gyno for THAT rash), your new boyfriend has built a 3-story

bong, peed on the couch, and ruined your chances at getting back the deposit on the condo. Better luck next year,

loves.

Speaking of love, I’m sure that Kappa that had the hots for you on spring break has found her pride once she

crossed the Texas state line, but fear not, shorter-than-average KOT: rumor has it that despite being too old for Pi

Phi, Aubrey Flagg is still on college spring break and still on the prowl. Somebody get that girl a tanning membership..

oh wait…

Let’s not forget about everyone else that went on spring break…or wait…let’s do. No one wants to see KD’s pictures

anyway.

The pressing question on everyone’s mind is still, who am i? well, dumbshits, I’m a NoZe brother, and that’s one secret

I’ll never tell. You know you love to hate me-xoxo

Gossip Girl

Gossip girl is like porn for Baylor Girls, I’m sure of it

thenoze.orgNow with bi-semesterly updates (we hope)

Looking for more of “The Rope” Online? Visit the extensive Rope Archives at

Visit our fan page at: http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Noble-NoZe-Brotherhood/10150096014045393?ref=tsAlternatively, and much more easily, you can just search for The NoZe, and use your imagination to find us. A hint: We’re not the techno band from sweden.

Hey you, you like Facebook, right?Neither do we. Trends being what they are though, and in this economy, etc., we’ve given in to our social networking overlords and created a fan page for ourselves. Now, years later, we finally have enough fans to make it public. So please, join our fan page. Because if the internet has taught me anything, it’s that your self worth is based on how many random people you can get to friend you.

INTERESTED IN ADVERTISING...

IN THE ROPE?You’re in luck, we have space. Get it while it’s still available. If you’re interested in advertising in our infamous “Dia del NoZo” issue then shoot us an email at NoZe.Advertising@gmail.com. Rates and fees apply, and remember we do have a personals section!

FIJI- Panama City. To save money FIJI didn’t actually rent hotel rooms, just used their lifetime Gold Gym memberships to sleep in the locker rooms in between beach excursions and brotherhood events in the community showers.

Pi Kapp- after hearing that the main spring break spot by all the “fratdaddies” last year was Destin, Pi Kapp made sure they booked the same place this year. Apparently everyone was at Gulf Shores this year, so one can only guess where Pi Kapp will be next year.

TKE- in South Padre you are sure to find willing girls, cheap beer, and willing girls. Being creatures of passion, you can see why TKE chose Padre.

KOT- You might hear a KOT tell you that he went back home to his ranch and hunted, but in all actually, he went back to urban Dallas or Houston, bought some more boots, and groomed his facial hair.

ATO- The Grand Canyon. Expect even more pictures of ATOs trying to prove how outdoorsy they are, and CPax trying more and more hard.

SAE- Drinking trip to Gulf Shores, tried to spend a week pretending that they are an SEC fraternity. Except that they do that the entire semester. Their neighbors kept calling in noise complaints though, also Baylor students incidentally, though they didn’t figure out which fraternity.

Phi Chi- Mission Trip to Gulf Shores.

Fraternity Spring

Break TripsFor those of you wondering where the magic goes when it’s gone.

We realized we aren’t targeting our female demographic enough. Or, at least, not in the ways they prefer to be targeted (sorry, girl at Dancing Bear Pub. I meant to remember your name and number…really I did). And don’t worry ladies, WE know you can read (even if your freshman english prof seriously questioned your ability to string a sentence to-gether), but we wanted to include you and make you feel like ‘one of the guys,’ kinda like Bro. No Means NoZe (except we’re really not sure if she might actually be one of the guys...). And since guys are visual, we included a few tantalizing images to tickle your pickles (wait, that’s not right…what’s the female equivalent?)

PORN FOR BAYLOR GIRLS

Zefron (Above)Girls are really into this guy, right?

And this leggings (riding up), these damn leggings. You’d think this things were sexy or something.

Chaps d’Ryan (Smiling)Women seem to have perfect chapel attendance, and we can only assume it’s because of this guy. What’s his secret? Is it the smile? Those perfect teeth? Those eyes you could lose yourself in?

Jesus Christ (Our Lord)Girls get really into this church thing, too, so old Chaps definitely has the right idea. And girls.. girls love J.C.

Right now there is an SAE pledge who needs you. An innocent freshman with a heart and soul, living in hunger, sadness and despair.

For little more than a dollar a day you can provide an SAE pledge who has nothing the medical care they need, enough nutritious food to eat, and the chance to go to class. You will be able to say to him, you needed me, and I was there for you.

A once respectable fraternity, in recent years SAE has polluted Baylor’s campus with mediocrity, stupidity and habitual drunk belligerency. Clothed in Columbia, Northface and Sper-rys, these tools have become notorious for fooling young freshman into thinking rushing SAE is actually a good idea and admirable thing to do. Priding themselves on introducing Baylor to the term ‘shit show’ and ironically having ties to the Paul Foster Success Center, these chubby chasers have undoubtedly become masters in the art of ‘hazing balls’.

The statistics are unsettling. During pledgeship, one in every five pledges will be beaten worse than a red headed stepchild who just spilled a can of paint in the garage. Some will even end up with fractured or broken bones, only to have their cast covered in phallic symbols and Vineyard Vine logos.

Additionally, 85% of pledges will go to bed hungry, with only the crumbs of member’s left over Bush’s chicken and Natty Light in their stomachs. Marking the beginning of an un-healthy, predominantly dirty lifestyle.

Even more disturbing, within a month after being initiated, one in every three will bang a fat chick.

But with your help, that can all change. You can reach out to a pledge, wipe away their tears, and fill their world with dignity and hope.

Call or go online and sponsor a pledge right now, you can choose the one you would like to sponsor and we will send you their photo right away.

Thank you and God bless.

Save The Pledges

…If he’s not your boyfriend, he probably cheated.

….If he went to Gulf Shores, Destin, Padre, or any beach anywhere, he probably cheated.

…If you look like Rosie O’Donnell in a bikini, he probably cheated.

….If he came home and said, “there’s something I need to tell you…I cheated on spring break.” He probably cheated on spring break.

…If your parents went to Cancun and came back with pictures of your boyfriend tonguing the cocktail waitress, I don’t care what you say about doppelgangers, he probably cheated.

With the outpouring of pathetic seniors trying to land a sugar mama, we’ve had to extend our personal ads (also for the sake of our own dwindling budget…Ted’s taken up drinking again…) to include ever more eligible Baylor bachelors…watch out ladies, they’re looking to lock it up and they’re looking for fertile hips. What? Fertile hips? That’s weird…

Jordan Bellamy-Filmmaker Seeking MuseTurn-Ons: Ex-1’s, non-conformism, UBC, clothing that looks cheap but is actually

American ApparelTurn-Offs: James Cameron…bastard

Brooks Shanklin-Kappa Sig…’Nuff Said

Turn-Ons: Rodeos, Musicals, Oil Rigs, Musicals, Jenny Long

Turn-Offs: KOT

Jared Bourcier-Delt, by default, Seeking Anything

Turn-Ons: Going to Penland to get some vag, my next door neighbs, talking about

what a loser I was in high schoolTurn-Offs: braces, acne, anything that

reminds me of high school

Bro. NoZe Sequitur-Looking for Random Play

Turn-Ons: Truett Seminary, Triathlons, Anything I Can GetTurn-Offs: None

PERSONAL ADS: BAYLOR MALES DESPERATELY SEEKING MATEYou wouldn’t think it’d be that hard with this kinda ratio….

How to Know if He Cheated on Spring BreakArticles that we... ran out of space for:

Every Rope we have dozens upon dozens of brilliant submissions for articles. Absolutely stunning pieces of work that I delicately take hours to sort through, parsing out the best of the best till I have in my hand the absolute highest quality articles available. You may have noticed a few of them already. Gossip girl, that quaalude thing, and the slew of other articles that have preceded this piece of space filler. Inevitably, some articles slip through the cracks, and I miss the good ones. I always hear, “but Ted, that was such a funny title,” and with that an idea was born. So, dear readers, I present to you The Rope as it never was - Articles I “ran out of space for”:

- “Griner suspended, Garland defended”- Mulkey’s Methods- Fall of Duty: Modern Failure 2- Where the Bears go when they die, Chamber’s dirty little secret.- Chamber loses Blitz: Another Unsuccessful Rush Year- Adderall for All!- As the Boob Jobs Melt (Not so Innocent Tears)- Ongoing Sing Acts 2011- “Point: Running Rapist”- Baylor Students miss Rapture- “Innbox”- “gay”- KOT calls it quits, provoked by sudden realization- Pet Obituaries

DID YOU ENJOY THIS ONLINE COPY OF “THE ROPE”?

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT NEW ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES?ARE YOU WONDERING WHY

THERE’S A BACK PAGE WHEN THIS THING WAS NEVER EVEN PRINTED?

If the answers to any of these questions crossed your mind, then email us at NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com, we won’t look forward to hearing from you.

DID YOU ENJOY THIS ONLINE COPY OF “THE ROPE”?

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT NEW ADVERTISING OPPORTUNITIES?ARE YOU WONDERING WHY

THERE’S A BACK PAGE WHEN THIS THING WAS NEVER EVEN PRINTED?

If the answers to any of these questions crossed your mind, then email us at NoZe.Brotherhood@gmail.com, we won’t look forward to hearing from you.

EVEN MORE PERPLEXED AT WHY THESE WORDS KEEP COMING, AND WHY THE BACK PAGE IS PAGE 7 AND IN COLOR?

EVEN MORE PERPLEXED AT WHY THESE WORDS KEEP COMING, AND WHY THE BACK PAGE IS PAGE 7 AND IN COLOR?