Once A Week by A.A. Milne

8/2/2019 Once A Week by A.A. Milne

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ONCEAWEEK

BYTHESAMEAUTHOR

THEDAY'SPLAYTHEHOLIDAYROUNDTHESUNNYSIDEONCEONATIMENOTTHATITMATTERSIFIMAYFIRSTPLAYSSECONDPLAYSMR.PIM

ONCEAWEEK

BY

A.A.MILNE

AUTHOROF"THEDAY'SPLAY"AND"THEHOLIDAYROUND"

THIRDEDITION

METHUEN&COLTD.36ESSEXSTREETW.C.LONDON

FirstPublishedOctober15th,1914SecondEditionMarch...1917ThirdEdition1922

TO

MYCOLLABORATOR

WHOBUYSTHEINKANDPAPERLAUGHSAND,INFACT,DOESALLTHEREALLYDIFFICULTPARTOFTHEBUSINESSTHISBOOKISGRATEFULLYDEDICATEDINMEMORYOFAWINTER'SMORNINGINSWITZERLANDCONTENTS



PAGETHEHEIR1

WINTERSPORT29

ABAKER'SDOZEN61

GETTINGMARRIED127

HOMEAFFAIRS149

OTHERPEOPLE'SHOUSES183

BURLESQUES215

MERELYPLAYERS251

THEMENWHOSUCCEED281

THEHEIR

I.--HEINTRODUCESHIMSELF

"Inlessrefinedcirclesthanours,"IsaidtoMyra,"yourbehaviourwouldbedescribedasswank.Really,tojudgefromtheairsyouputon,youmightbethechild'smother."

"He'sjealousbecausehe'snotanaunthimself.Isn'the,duckseydarling?"

"Idowishyouwouldn'tkeepdraggingthebabyintotheconversation;wecanmakeitgoquitewellasaduologue.Astobeingjealous--why,it'sabsurd.True,I'mnotanaunt,butinaveryshorttimeIshallbeanunclebymarriage,whichsoundstomemuchsuperior.Thatis,"Iadded,"ifyou'restillequaltoit."

Myrablewmeakissoverthecradle.

"Anotherthingyou'veforgotten,"Iwenton,"isthatI'mdownforaplaceasagodfather.Archietellsmethatitisn'tsettledyet,butthatthere'sagooddealoftalkaboutitintheclubs.Who'stheothergoingtobe?NotThomas,Isuppose?Thatwouldbemakingthething

ratherafarce."

"Hasn'tDahliabrokenittoyou?"saidMyraanxiously.

"Simpson?"Iasked,inanawedwhisper.

Myranodded."And,ofcourse,Thomas,"shesaid.

"Heavens!Notthreeofus?Whatajollycrowdweshallbe.Thomascanplayourbestball.Wemight----"



"Butofcoursethereareonlygoingtobetwogodfathers,"shesaid,andleantoverthecradleagain.

Iheldupmythreeendfingers."Thomas,"Isaid,pointingtothesmallest,"me,"Iexplained,pointingtothenext,"andSimpson,thetallgentlemaninglasses.One,two,three."

"Oh,baby,"sighedMyra,"whataveryslowunclebymarriageyou'regoingtohave!"

Istoodandgazedatmythreefingersforsometime.

"I'vegotit,"Isaidatlast,andIpulleddownthemiddleone."Therumourintheclubswasunauthorized.Idon'tgetaplaceafterall."

"Don'tsayyoumind,"pleadedMyra."Yousee,Dahliathoughtthatasyouwerepracticallyoneofthefamilyalready,anuncle-electbymarriage,andasshedidn'twanttochoosebetweenThomasandSamuel----"

"Saynomore.Iwasonlyafraidthatshemighthavesomethingagainstmymoralcharacter.Child,"Iwenton,risingandaddressingtheunresponsiveinfant,"Englandhaslostagodfatherthisday,butthe

worldhasgaineda----what?Idon'tknow.Iwantmytea."Myragavethebabyalastkissandgotup.

"CanItrusthimwithyouwhileIgoandseeaboutDahlia?"

"I'mnotsure.ItdependshowIfeel.Imaychangehimwithsomepoorbabyinthevillage.Runaway,aunt,andleaveusmentoourselves.Wehaveseveralmatterstodiscuss."

WhenthechildandIwerealonetogether,Ikneltbyhiscradleandsurveyedhisfeaturesearnestly.IwantedtoseewhatitwashehadtoofferMyrawhichIcouldnotgiveher."This,"Isaidtomyself,"isthe

facewhichhascomebetweenherandme,"foritwasunfortunatelytruethatIcouldnolongerclaimMyra'sundividedattention.ButthemoreIlookedathimthemoremysteriousthewholethingbecametome.

"Notabadkid?"saidavoicebehindme.

IturnedandsawArchie.

"Yours,Ibelieve,"Isaid,andIwavedhimtothecradle.

Archiebentdownandtickledthebaby'schin,makingappropriatenoisesthewhile--oneofthethingsafatherhastolearntodo.

"Whodoyouthinkhe'slike?"heaskedproudly.

"ThelateMr.Gladstone,"Isaid,afterdeepthought.

"Wrong.Hallo,here'sDahliacomingout.Ihope,foryoursake,thatthebaby'sallright.Ifshefindshe'scaughtmeaslesoranything,you'llgetintotrouble."

Byastrokeofbadluckthechildbegantocryassoonashesawtheladies.Myrarusheduptohim.



"Baby,"saidMyra,"I'mafraidyou'regoingtoknowsomeveryfoolishpeople."

II.--HEMEETSHISGODFATHERS

ThomasandSimpsonarrivedbythetwelve-thirtytrain,andMyraandIdrovedowninthewagonettetomeetthem.Myrahandledtheribbons("handledtheribbons"--wemusthavethatagain)whileIsatonthebox-seatandpointedoutanytraction-enginesandthingsintheroad.Iamverygoodatthis.

"Isuppose,"Isaid,"therewillbesomesortofceremonyatthestation?Thestation-masterwillreadanaddresswhilehislittledaughterpresentsabouquetofflowers.Youdon'toftengettwogodfatherstravellingbythesametrain.Lookout,"Isaid,asweswungroundacorner,"there'sanantcoming."

"Whatdidyousay?I'msosorry,butIlistenawfullybadlywhenI'mdriving."

"AssoonasIhituponanythingreallygoodI'llwriteitdown.SofarIhavebeenthrowingoffthemeresttrifles.Whenwearemarried,Myra----"

"Goon;Ilovethat."

"Whenwearemarriedweshan'tbeabletoaffordhorses,sowe'llkeepacoupleofbicycles,andyou'llbeabletoheareverythingIsay.Howjollyforyou."

"Allright,"saidMyraquietly.

Therewasnoformalceremonyontheplatform,butIdidnotseemtofeelthewantofitwhenIsawSimpsonsteppingfromthetrainwithanenormousTeddy-bearunderhisarm.

"Hallo,dearoldchap,"hesaid,"hereweare!You'relookingatmybear.IquiteforgotituntilI'dstrappedupmybags,soIhadtobringitlikethis.Itsqueaks,"headded,asifthatexplainedit."Listen,"andthepiercingroarofthebearresoundedthroughthestation.

"Veryfine.Hallo,Thomas!"

"Hallo!"saidThomas,andwenttolookafterhisluggage.

"Ihopehe'lllikeit,"Simpsonwenton."Itslegsmoveupanddown."Heputthemintoseveralpositions,andthensqueakeditagain."Jolly,isn'tit?"

"Ripping,"Iagreed."Who'sitfor?"

Helookedatmeinastonishmentforamoment.

"Mydearoldchap,forthebaby."

"Oh,Isee.That'sawfullyniceofyou.He'llloveit."IwonderedifSimpsonhadeverseenamonth-oldbaby."What'sitsname?"

"I'vebeencallingitDuncaninthetrain,but,ofcourse,hewillwant



tochoosehisownnameforit."

"Well,youmusttalkitoverwithhimto-nightaftertheladieshavegonetobed.Howaboutyourluggage?Wemustn'tkeepMyrawaiting."

"Hallo,Thomas!"saidMyra,aswecameout."Hallo,Samuel!Hooray!"

"Hallo,Myra!"saidThomas."Allright?"

"Myra,thisisDuncan,"saidSimpson,andtheshrillroarofthebearrangoutoncemore.

Myra,hermouthfirm,butsmilesinhereyes,lookeddownlovinglyathim.SometimesIthinkthatshewouldliketobeSimpson'smother.Perhaps,whenwearemarried,wemightadopthim.

"Forbaby?"shesaid,strokingitwithherwhip."Buthewon'tbeallowedtotakeitintochurchwithhim,youknow.No,Thomas,Iwon'thavetheluggagenexttome;Iwantsomeonetotalkto.Youcome."

InsidethewagonetteSimpsonsqueakedhisbearatintervals,whileItriedtopreparehimforhiscomingintroductiontohisgodson.Havingknownthebabyfornearlyaweek,andbeingtosomeextentinMyra'sconfidence,IfeltquitethefamilymanbesideSimpson.

"Youmusttrynottobedisappointedwithhislooks,"Isaid."Anyway,don'tletDahliathinkyouare.Andifyouwanttodotherightthingsaythathe'sjustlikeArchie.Archiedoesn'tmindthisforsomereason."

"Ishetallforhisage?"

"Samuel,pullyourselftogether.Heisn'ttallatall.Ifheisanythingheislong,buthowlongonlythosecansaywhohaveseenhiminhisbath.Youdorealizethatheisonlyamonthold?"

"Mydearoldboy,ofcourse.Onecan'texpectmuchfromhim.Isuppose

heisn'teventoddlingaboutyet?"

"No--no.Notactuallytoddling."

"Well,wecanteachhimlateron.AndI'mgoingtohavealotoffunwithhim.Ishallshowhimmywatch--babiesalwayslovethat."

Therewasasuddenlaughfromthefront,whichchangedjustalittletoolateintoacough.ThefactisIhadbetMyraanewgolf-ballthatSimpsonwouldshowthebabyhiswatchwithintwominutesofmeetinghim.Ofcourse,itwasn'tacertaintyyet,butIthoughttherewouldbenoharminmentioningthemakeofballIpreferred.SoIchangedtheconversationsubtlytogolf.

AmidstloudroarsfromthebearwedroveuptothehouseandweregreetedbyArchie.

"Hallo,Thomas!howareyou?Hallo,Simpson!Goodheavens!Iknowthatface.Introduceme,Samuel."

"ThisisDuncan.Ibroughthimdownforyourboytoplaywith."

"Duncan,ofcourse.Theboywillloveit.He'stiredofmealready.He



proposestomeethisgodfathersatfourp.m.precisely.Soyou'llhavenearlythreehourstothinkofsomethinggenialtosaytohim."

Wespentthelastofthethreehoursplayingtennis,andatfourp.m.preciselytheintroductiontookplace.BygreatgoodluckDuncanwasabsent;Simpsonwouldhavewastedhiswholetwominutesinmakingitsqueak.

"Baby,"saidDahlia,"thisisyourUncleThomas."

"Hallo!"saidThomas,gentlykissingthebaby'shand."Goodoldboy,"andhefeltforhispipe.

"Baby,"saidDahlia,"thisisyourUncleSamuel."

AsheleantoverthechildIwhippedoutmywatchandmurmured,"Go!"4hrs.1min.25sec.IwishedMyrahadnottakenmy"twominutes"soliterally,butIfeltthatthegolf-ballwassafe.

Simpsonlookedatthebabyasiffascinated,andthebabystaredbackathim.Itwasanewexperienceforbothofthem.

"He'sjustlikeArchie,"hesaidatlast,rememberingmyadvice."Onlysmaller,"headded.

4hrs.2min.7sec.

"Icanseeyou,baby,"hesaid."Goo-goo."

Myracameandrestedherchinonmyshoulder.SilentlyIpointedtothefinishingplaceonmywatch,andshegavealittlegurgleofexcitement.Therewasonlyoneminuteleft.

"Iwonderwhatyou'rethinkingabout,"saidSimpsontothebaby."Isitmyglassesyouwanttoplaywith?"

"Help!"Imurmured."Thiswillneverdo."

"Hejustlooksandlooks.Ah!buthisUncleSamuelknowswhatbabywantstosee."(IsqueezedMyra'sarm.4hrs.3mins.10secs.Therewasjusttime.)"Iwonderifit'sanythinginhisuncle'swaistcoat?"

"No!"whisperedMyratomeinagony."Certainlynot."

"Heshallseeitifhewantsto,"saidSimpsonsoothingly,andputhishandtohiswaistcoatpocket.IsmiledtriumphantlyatMyra.Hehadfivesecondstogetthewatchout--plentyoftime.

"Bother!"saidSimpson."Ileftitupstairs."

III.--HECHOOSESANAME

Theafternoonbeingwetwegatheredroundthebilliard-roomfireandwentintocommittee.

"ThequestionbeforetheHouse,"saidArchie,"iswhatshallthebabybecalled,andwhy.DahliaandIhavepracticallydecidedonhisnames,butitwouldamuseustohearyourinferiorsuggestionsandpointouthowridiculoustheyare."



GodfatherSimpsonlookedacrossinamazementatGodfatherThomas.

"Really,youaretakingagooddealuponyourself,Archie,"hesaidcoldly."Itisentirelyamatterformycolleagueandmyselftodecidewhetherthegroundisfitfor--todecide,Ishouldsay,whatthechildistobecalled.Unlessthisisquiteunderstoodweshallhandinourresignations."

"We'vebeengivingalotofthoughttoit,"saidThomas,openinghiseyesforamoment."Andourtimeisvaluable."Hearrangedthecushionsathisbackandclosedhiseyesagain.

"Well,asamatteroffact,thecompetitionisn'tquiteclosed,"saidArchie."Entriescanstillbereceived."

"Wehaven'treallydecidedatall,"putinDahliagently."Itissodifficult."

"Inthatcase,"saidSamuel,"ThomasandIwillcontinuetoact.Itismypleasantdutytoinformyouthatwehadalongconsultationyesterday,andfinallyagreedtocallhim--er--SamuelThomas."

"ThomasSamuel,"saidThomassleepily.

"Howdidyouthinkofthosenames?"Iasked."Itmusthavetakenyouatremendoustime."

"WithanamelikeSamuelThomasMannering,"wentonSimpson["ThomasSamuelMannering,"murmuredThomas],"yourchildmightachievealmostanything.InprivatelifeyouwouldprobablycallhimSam."

"Tom,"saidatiredvoice.

"Or,morefamiliarly,Sammy."

"Tommy,"cameinawhisperfromthesofa.

"Whatdoyouthinkofit?"askedDahlia.

"Imustn'tsay,"saidArchie;"they'remyguests.ButI'lltellyouprivatelysometime."

Therewassilenceforalittle,andthenathoughtoccurredtome.

"Youknow,Archie,"Isaid,"limitedastheirideasare,you'reratherintheirpower.BecauseIwaslookingthroughtheserviceinchurchonSunday,andtherecomesapointwhentheclergymansaystothegodfathers,'Namethischild.'Well,thereyouare,youknow.They'vegotyou.YoumayhavefixedonMontmorencyPlantagenet,butthey'veonly

tosay'Bert,'andthethingisdone."

"Youallforget,"saidMyra,comingovertositonthearmofmychair,"thatthere'sagodmothertoo.IshallforbidtheBerts."

"Well,thatmakesitworse.You'llhaveMyrasaying'MontmorencyPlantagenet,'andSamuelsaying'SamuelThomas,'andThomassaying'ThomasSamuel.'"

"Itwillsoundratherwell,"saidArchie,singingitovertohimself.



"Thomas,youtakethetenorpart,ofcourse:'ThomasSamuel,ThomasSamuel,Thom-asSam-u-el.'Wemusthavearehearsal."

ForfiveminutesMyra,Thomas,andSimpsonchantedinharmony,beingassistedafterthefirstminutebyArchie,whotookthealtopartof"SolomonJoel."Heexplainedthatasthiswaswhatheandhiswifereallywantedthechildchristened("MontmorencyPlantagenet"beingonlyaninventionofthegodmother's)itwouldprobablybenecessaryforhimtojoinintoo.

"Stop!"criedDahlia,whenshecouldbearitnolonger;"you'llwakebaby."

Therewasanimmediatehush.

"Samuel,"saidArchieinawhisper,"ifyouwakethebabyI'llkillyou."

Thequestionofhisnamewasstillnotquitesettled,andoncemorewegaveourselvesuptothought.

"Seeingthathe'stheverynewestlittleRabbit,"saidMyra,"Idothinkhemightbecalledaftersomeverygreatcricketer."

"Thatwastheideainchristeninghim'Samuel,'"saidArchie."GaukrodgerCarkeekButtBajanaMannering,"Isuggested--"somethinglikethat?"

"Silly;Imeant'Charles,'afterFry."

"'Schofield,'afterHaigh,"murmuredThomas.

"'Warren,'afterBardsley,wouldbemoreappropriatetoaRabbit,"saidSimpson,beamingroundatus.Therewas,however,nolaughter.Wehadalljustthoughtofitourselves.

"Theimportantthinginchristeningafuturefirst-classcricketer,"saidSimpson,"istogettheinitialsright.Whatcouldbebetterthan'W.G.'asanicknameforGrace?Butif'W.G.'s'initialshadbeen'Z.Z.,'wherewouldyouhavebeen?"

"Here,"saidArchie.

TheshockofthisreplysoupsetSimpsonthathisglassesfelloff.Hepickedthemoutofthefenderandresumedhistheme.

"Now,ifthebabywerechristened'SamuelThomas'hisinitialswouldbe'S.T.,'whichareperfect.AndthesameasColeridge's."

"IsthatColeridgethewicket-keeper,orthefastbowler?"

Simpsonopenedhismouthtoexplain,andthen,justintime,decidednotto.

"Iforgottosay,"saidArchie,"thatanyhowhe'sgoingtobecalledBlair,afterhismamma."

"Ifhisname'sBlairMannering,"Isaidatonce,"he'llhavetowriteabook.Youcan'twasteanamelikethat.TheCrimsonSpot,byBlair



Mannering.Mr.BlairMannering,thewell-knownauthorofTheGash.Ournewserial,TheStainontheBathMat,hasbeenspeciallywrittenforusbyMr.andMrs.BlairMannering.It'ssimplyaskingforit."

"Don'ttalkabouthiswifeyet,please,"smiledDahlia."Letmehavehimalittlewhile."

"Well,hecanbeawriterandacricketer.Whynot?Thereareothers.Ineedonlymentionmyfriend,S.Simpson."

"Butthedarlingstillwantsanothername,"saidMyra."Let'scallhimJohnto-day,andWilliamto-morrow,andHenrythenextday,andsoonuntilwefindoutwhatsuitshimbest."

"Let'sallgoupstairsnowandcallhimSamuel,"saidSamuel.

"Thomas,"saidThomas.

WelookedatDahlia.Shegotupandmovedtothedoor.Insinglefilewefollowedherontip-toetothenursery.Thebabywasfastasleep.

"Thomas,"weallsaidinawhisper,"Thomas,Thomas."

Therewasnoreply.

"Samuel!"

Deadsilence.

"Ithink,"saidDahlia,"we'llcallhimPeter."

IV.--HEISCHRISTENED

Onthemorningofthechristening,asIwasonmywaytothebathroom,ImetSimpsoncomingoutofit.TherearepeoplewhohaveneverseenSimpsoninhisdressing-gown;peoplealsowhohaveneverwaitedforthe

suntoriseingloryabovethesnow-cappedpeaksoftheAlps;whohaveneverstoodonWaterlooBridgeandwatchedSt.Paul'scomethroughthemistofanOctobermorning.Well,well,onecannotseeeverything.

"Hallo,oldchap!"hesaid."Iwasjustcomingtotalktoyou.Iwantyouradvice."

"Aglassofhotwaterthelastthingatnight,"Isaid,"nosugarormilk,aTurkishbathonceaweekandplentyofexercise.You'llgetitdowninnotime."

"Don'tbeanass.Imeanaboutthechristening.I'vebeentoawedding,ofcourse,butthatisn'tquitethesamething."

"Amoment,whileIturnonthetap."Iturneditonandcamebacktohim."Nowthen,I'matyourservice."

"Well,what'sthe--er--usualcostumeforachristening?"

"Leavethattothemother,"Isaid."She'llseethatthebaby'sdressedproperly."

"Imeanforagodfather."



Dahliahasconvenientlyplacedasofaoutsidethebathroomdoor.Idroppedintoitandsurveyedthedressing-gownthoughtfully.

"Golikethat,"Isaidatlast.

"WhatIwanttoknowiswhetherit'satop-hataffairornot?"

"Haveyoubroughtatop-hat?"

"Ofcourse."

"Thenyoumustcertainly----Isay!Comeoutofit,Myra!"

Ijumpedupfromthesofa,butitwastoolate.Shehadstolenmybath.

"Well,ofallthecheek----"

ThedooropenedandMyra'sheadappearedroundthecorner.

"Hush!you'llwakethebaby,"shesaid."Oh,Samuel,whatadream!Whyhaven'tIseenitbefore?"

"Youhave,Myra.I'veoftendressedupinit."

"ThenIsupposeitlooksdifferentwithasponge.Because----"

"Really!"IsaidasItookholdofSimpsonandledhimfirmlyaway;"ifthebabyknewthatyoucarriedonlikethisofamorninghe'dbeshocked."

Thomasisalwayslateforbreakfast.Simpsononthisoccasionwasdelayedbyhiselaboratetoilet.Theycameinlasttogether,byoppositedoors,andstoodstaringateachother.Simpsonworeafrock-coat,dashingdouble-breastedwaistcoat,perfectlycreasedtrousers,andamagnificentcravat;Thomashadonflannelsandanoldblazer.

"ByJove!"saidArchie,seeingSimpsonfirst,"youarea----"andthenhecaughtsightofThomas."Hul-lo!"Hiseyeswentfromonetotheother,andatlastsettledonthetoast.Hewentonwithhisbreakfast."Thetwonoblegodfathers,"hemurmured.

Meanwhilethetwogodfatherscontinuedtogazeateachotherasiffascinated.AtlastSimpsonspoke.

"Wecan'tbothberight,"hesaidslowlytohimself.

Thomaswokeup.

"Isitthechristeningto-day?Iquiteforgot."

"Itis,Thomas.Theboat-raceisto-morrow."

"Well,Icanchangeafterwards.Youdon'texpectmetowearanythinglikethat?"hesaid,pointingtoSimpson.

"Don'tchange,"saidArchie."Bothgoasyouare.MickandMack,theComedyDuo.SimpsondoesthetalkingwhileThomasfallsoverthepews."

SimpsoncollectedhisbreakfastandsatdownnexttoMyra.



"AmIallright?"heaskedherdoubtfully.

"Yourtie'supatthebackofyourneck,"Isaid.

"BecauseifDahliawouldpreferit,"hewenton,ignoringme,"Icouldeasilywearaplaindarktweed."

"You'rebeautiful,Samuel,"saidMyra."Ihopeyou'lllookasniceatmywedding."

"Youdon'tthinkIshallbemistakenforthefather?"heaskedanxiously.

"ByPeter?Well,thatisjustpossible.Perhapsif----"

"Ithinkyou'reright,"saidSimpson,andafterbreakfasthechangedintotheplaindarktweed.

Asthehourapproachedwebegantocollectinthehall,Simpsonreadingtheservicetohimselfforthetwentiethtime.

"Dowehavetosayanything?"askedThomas,ashelithisthirdpipe.

Simpsonlookedathiminhorror."Sayanything?Ofcoursewedo!Haven'tyoustudiedit?Here,you'lljusthavetimetoreaditthrough."

"Toolatenow.Betterleaveittotheinspirationofthemoment,"Isuggested."Doesanybodyknowifthere'sacollection,becauseifsoIshallhavetogoandgetsomemoney."

"Therewillbeacollectionforthebabyafterwards,"saidArchie."Ihopeyou'veallbeensavingup."

"Herehecomes!"saidSimpson,andPeterBlairManneringcamedownthe

stairswithDahliaandMyra.

"Goodmorning,everybody,"saidDahlia.

"Goodmorning.Say'Goodmorning,'baby."

"He'srathernervous,"saidMyra."Hesayshe'sneverbeenchristenedbefore,andwhat'sitlike?"

"Iexpecthe'llbeallrightwithtwosuchhandsomegodfathers,"saidDahlia.

"Isn'tMr.Simpsonlookingwell?"saidMyrainasocietyvoice."And

doyouknow,dear,that'sthethirdsuitI'veseenhiminto-day."

"Well,areweallready?"

"You'requitesureabouthisname?"saidArchietohiswife."Thisisyourlastchance,youknow.SaythewordtoThomasbeforeit'stoolate."

"IthinkPeterisrathersilly,"Isaid.



"WhyBlair?"saidMyra."Iaskyou."

DahliasmiledsweetlyatusandledthewaywithP.B.Manneringtothecar.Wefollowed...andSimpsonontheseatnextthedriverreadtheservicetohimselfforthelasttime.

.....

"Ifeelveryproud,"saidArchieaswecameoutofthechurch."I'mnotonlyafather,butmysonhasaname.AndnowIneedn'tcallhim'er'anymore."

"Hewasagoodboy,wasn'the?"saidMyra.

"Thomas,sayatoncethatyourgodsonwasagoodboy."

ButThomaswasquiet.Helookedyearsolder.

"I'veneverreadtheservicebefore,"hesaid."Ididn'tquiteknowwhatwewereinfor.ItseemsthatSimpsonandIhaveundertakenaheavyresponsibility;wearepracticallyanswerableforthechild'seducation.Wearesupposedtoexaminehimeveryfewyearsandfindoutifheisbeingtaughtproperly."

"Youcanbowltohimlateronifyoulike.""No,no.Itmeansmorethanthat."HeturnedtoDahlia."Ithink,"hesaid,"SimpsonandIwillwalkhome.Wemustbeginatoncetodiscussthelinesonwhichweshalleducateourchild."

V.--HESEESLIFE

Therewasnooneinsight.If'tweredonewell,'twerewelldonequickly.Igrippedtheperambulator,tookalastlookround,andthensuddenlyrusheditacrossthedriveanddownasidepath,notstoppinguntilwewerewellconcealedfromthehouse.Panting,Idroppedintoa

seat,havingknockedseveralsecondsoffthequarter-milerecordforbabiesunderone.

"Hallo!"saidMyra.

"Dashit,aretherepeopleeverywhereto-day?Ican'tgetamomenttomyself.'Osolitude,where----'"

"Whatareyougoingtodowithbaby?"

"PeterandIaregoingforawalk."Myeyesrestedonherformorethanamoment.Shewaslookingatmeoveranarmfulofflowers...and--well--"Youcancometooifyoulike,"Isaid.

"I'vegotanawfullottodo,"shesmileddoubtfully.

"Oh,ifyou'drathercountthewashing."

Shesatdownnexttome.

"Where'sDahlia?"

"Idon'tknow.Wemeanttohaveleftanoteforher,butwecameawayin



ratherahurry.'Backattwelve.Peter.'"

"'Iamquitehappy.Pursuitisuseless,'"suggestedMyra."PoorDahlia,she'llbefrightenedwhensheseestheperambulatorgone."

"Mydear,whatcouldhappentoit?IsthisRussia?"

"Oh,whathappenstoperambulatorsinRussia?"askedMyraeagerly.

"Theyspellthemdifferently,"Isaid,afteralittlethought."Anyhow,Dahlia'sallright."

"Well,I'lljusttaketheseflowersinandthenI'llcomeback.IfyouandPeterwillhaveme?"

"Ithinkso,"Isaid.

Myrawentinandleftmetomyreflections,whichweremainlythatPeterhadtheprettiestauntinEngland,andthattheworldwasverygood.Butmypleasedandfatuoussmileoverthesethoughtswasdisturbedbyherannouncementonherreturn.

"Dahliasays,"shebegan,"thatwemayhavePeterforanhour,buthemustcomeinatonceifhecries."

Igotupindisgust.

"You'vespoiltmymorning,"Isaid.

"Oh,no!"

"IhadalittlesecretfromDahlia,orratherPeterandIhadalittlesecrettogether;atleast,youandIandPeterhadasecret.Anyhow,itwasasecret.AndIwasfeelingverywickedandhappy--PeterandIbothwere;andweweregoingtoletyoufeelwickedtoo.AndnowDahliaknowsallaboutthedesperatedeedwewereplanning,and,tomakeitworse,allshesaysis,'Certainly!Byallmeans!Onlydon'tgethisfeetwet.'

Peter,"Isaid,asIbentoverthesleepinginnocent,"wearebetrayed."

"MissManneringwillnowrelateherexperiences,"saidMyra."Iwentintothehalltoputdowntheflowers,andjustasIwascomingoutIsawDahliainthecornerwithabook.Andshesaid,'Tellyouryoungman----'"

"Howvulgar!"Iinterrupted.

"'Dobecarefulwithmybaby.'AndIsaidingreatsurprise,'Whatbaby?'Andshesaid,'Hewasverykindlyrunninghimupanddownthedrivejustnow.Peterlovesit,butdon'tletthemgoontoolongortheremaybeanaccident.'Andthenshegaveafewmoreinstructions,

and--hereweare."

"Peter,"Isaidtothesomnolentone,"youcan'tdeceiveawoman.Alsomenarepigs.Wakeup,andwewillapologizetoyourauntfordoubtingher.Sorry,Myra."

Myrapinnedaflowerinmycoatandforgaveme,andwewalkedofftogetherwiththeperambulator.

"Peterisseeingabitoflifethismorning,"Isaid."Whatshallwe



showhimnow?"

"ThomasandSamuelareplayinggolf,"saidMyracasually.

Ilookedatherdoubtfully.

"Isthatquitesuitable?"

"Ithinkifwedidn'tlethimstaytoolongitwouldbeallright.Dahliawouldn'tlikehimtobeoverexcited."

"Well,hecan'tbeintroducedtothegametooearly.Comeon,Peter."Andwepushedintomoreopencountry.

The9-holecoursewhichSimpsonplannedayearagoisnotyetusedfortheOpenChampionship,thoughitiscertainlybetterthanitwaslastsummer.Butitisshortandnarrowanddog-legged,and,particularlywhenSimpsonisplayingonit,dangerous.

"Wearenowinthezoneoffire,"Isaid."Samuel'srepaintedninepennymaywhizpastusatanymoment.PerhapsIhadbettergofirst."ItiedmyhandkerchieftoMyra'ssunshadeandledthewaywiththewhiteflag.

Aballcameoverthebarnandrolledtowardsus,justreachingoneof

thewheels.Igaveayell."Hallo!"bellowedSimpsonfrombehindthebarn.

"You'refiringontheambulance,"Ishouted.

Hehurriedup,followedleisurelybyThomas.

"Isay,"hesaidexcitedly,"haveIhurthim?"

"Youhavenotevenwakedhim.Hehasthespecialgiftof--wasitWellingtonorNapoleon?--thatofbeingabletosleepthroughtheheaviestbattle."

"Hallo!"saidThomas."Goodoldboy!What'shebeenlearningto-day?"headded,withgodfatherlyinterest.

"We'reshowinghimlifeto-day.HehascometoseeSimpsonplaygolf."

"Doesn'theeversitup?"askedSimpson,lookingathimwithinterest."Idon'tseehowhe'sgoingtoseeanythingifhe'salwaysonhisback.Unlessitweresomethingintheair."

"Don'tyouevergettheballintheair?"saidMyrainnocently.

"WhatwillhisUncleSamuelshowhimifhedoessitup?"Iasked."Let's

decidefirstifit'sgoingtobeanythingworthwatching.Whichholeareyoufor?Thethird?"

"Theeighth.Mylastshothadabitofaslice."

"Aslice!Ithadaboutthewholejoint.Idoubt,"IsaidtoMyra,"ifweshalldomuchgoodhere;let'spushon."

ButMyrahadputdownthehoodandtakensomeoftheclothesoffPeter.Peterstirredslightly.Heseemedtoknowthatsomethingwasgoingon.



Thensuddenlyhewokeup,justintimetoseeSimpsonmisstheballcompletely.Instantlyhegaveacry.

"Nowyou'vedoneit,"saidMyra."He'sgottogoin.AndI'mafraidhe'llgoawaywithquiteawrongideaofthegame."

ButIwasnotthinkingofthebaby.AlthoughIamtobehisunclebymarriageIhadforgottenhim.

"Ifthat'saboutSimpson'sformto-day,"IsaidtoMyra,"youandIcouldstilltakethemonandbeatthem."

Myralookedupeagerly.

"WhataboutPeter?"sheasked;butshedidn'taskitveryfirmly.

"WepromisedDahliatotakehimindirectlyhecried,"Isaid."She'dbeveryupsetifshethoughtshecouldn'ttrustus.Andwe'vegottogoinforourclubs,anyway,"Iadded.

Peterwassleepingpeacefullyagain,butapromiseisapromise.Afterall,wehaddoneagooddealforhiseducationthatmorning.Wehadshownhimhumannatureatwork,andthepositionofgolfintheuniverse.

"We'llmeetyouonthefirsttee,"saidMyratoThomas.

VI.--HESLEEPS

"It'ssadtothinkthatto-morrowweshallbeinLondon,"saidSimpson,withasigh.

"Rotten,"agreedThomas,andtookanotherpeach.

Therewasamoment'ssilence.

"Weshallmissyou,"Isaid,aftercarefulthought.IwaitedinvainforDahliatosaysomething,andthenadded,"Youmustbothcomeagainnextyear."

"Thankyouverymuch."

"Notatall."Ihatetheseawkwardpauses.Ifmyhostorhostessdoesn'tdoanythingtosmooththemover,Ialwaysdashin."It'sbeendelightfultohaveyou,"Iwenton."Areyousureyoucan'tstaytillWednesday?"

"I'msosorry,"saidDahlia,"butyoutookmebysurprise.Ihadsimplynoidea.Areyoureallygoing?"

"I'mafraidso."

"Areyoureallystaying?"saidArchietome."Help!"

"WhataboutPeter?"askedMyra."Isn'thetooyoungtobetakenfromhisgodfathers?"

"We'vebeentalkingthatover,"saidSimpson,"andIthinkitwillbeallright.We'vemappedhisfutureoutverycarefullyandweshallunfoldittoyouwhenthecoffeecomes."



"Thomasisdoingitwithpeach-stones,"Isaid."Haveanother,andmakehimasailor,Thomas,"andIpassedtheplate.

"Sailorindeed,"saidDahlia."He'sgoingtobeasoldier."

"It'stoolate.Thomashasbegunanotherone.Well,he'llhavetoswallowthestone."

"AtriflehardontheAdmiralty,"saidArchie."ItlosesbothThomasandPeteratonegulp.Mycountry,whatofthee?"

However,whenThomashadpeeledthepeach,Icleverlysolvedthedifficultybytakingitontomyplatewhilehewaslookingroundforthesugar.

"No,nosugar,thanks,"Isaid,andwaveditaway.

WiththecoffeeandcigarsSimpsonunfoldedhisschemeofeducationforPeter.

"Inthefirstplace,"hesaid,"itisimportantthatevenasachildheshouldalwaysbeaddressedinrationalEnglishandnotinthatridiculousbaby-talksocommonwithyoungmothers."

"Ohdear,"saidDahlia.

"MygoodSamuel,"Ibrokein,"thiscomeswellfromyou.Why,onlyyesterdayIheardyoutalkingtohim.Ithinkyoucalledhimhisnunkey'sicklepetsywetsylambkin."

"Youmisunderstoodme,"saidSimpsonquickly."Iwastalkingtoyou."

"Oh!"Isaid,rathertakenaback."Well--well,I'mnot."Ilitacigar."AndIshallbeannoyedifyoucallmesoagain."

"Attheageoffour,"Simpsonwenton,"heshallreceivehisfirst

lessonincricket.Thomaswillbowltohim----"

"IsupposethatmeansthatThomaswillhavetobeaskeddownhereagain,"saidArchie."Bother!Still,it'snotforfouryears."

"Thomaswillbowltohim,Archiewillkeepwicket,andIshallfield."

"AndwheredoIcomein?"Iasked.

"YoucomeinafterPeter.Unlessyouwouldratherhaveyourlessonfirst."

"That'sthesecondtimeI'vebeensaton,"IsaidtoMyra,"Whyis

Simpsonsounkindtometo-night?"

"Isupposehe'sjealousbecauseyou'restayingonanotherweek."

"Probably;still,Idon'tlikeit.Couldyouturnyourbackonhim,doyouthink,toindicateourheavydispleasure?"

Myramovedherchairroundandrestedherelbowonthetable.

"Goon,Samuel,"saidDahlia."You'relovelyto-night.Isupposethese



areThomas'sideasaswellasyourown?"

"Hissignatureisdulyappendedtothem."

"Ididn'tread'emall,"saidThomas.

"That'sveryrashofyou,"saidArchie."Youdon'tknowwhatyoumightn'tletyourselfinfor.Youmayhavepromisedtopaythechildthreepenceaweekpocket-money."

"No,there'snothinglikethat,"saidSimpson,toArchie'sevidentdisappointment."Well,then,attheageoftenhegoestoapreparatoryschool."

"Hashelearnttoreadyet?"askedDahlia."Ididn'thearanythingaboutit."

"Hecanreadatsix.IforgottosaythatIamgivinghimabookwhichIshallexpecthimtoreadaloudtoThomasandmeonhissixthbirthday."

"Thomashasgotanotherinvitation,"saidArchie."Dashit!"

"Atfourteenhegoestoapublicschool.Thefinaldecisionastowhichpublicschoolhegoestowillbelefttoyou,but,ofcourse,weshall

expecttobeconsultedonthesubject.""I'llwriteandtellyouwhatwedecideon,"saidArchiehastily;"there'llbenoneedforyoutocomedownandbetoldaloud."

"Sofarwehavenotarrangedanythingforhimbeyondtheageoffourteen.Inowproposetoreadoutafewgeneralrulesabouthisupbringingwhichwemustinsistonbeingobserved."

"ThegreatquestionwhetherSimpsoniskickedoutofthehouseto-night,orleavesunobtrusivelybythemilktrainto-morrowmorning,isabouttobesettled,"Imurmured.

"'RULEONE.--Hemustbebroughtuptobeambidextrous.'Itwillbeveryuseful,"explainedSimpson,"whenhefieldscoverforEngland."

"Orwhenhewantstoshakehandswithtwopeopleatonce,"saidArchie.

"'RULETWO.--HemustbetaughtfromthefirsttospeakFrenchandGermanfluently.'He'llthankyouforthatlateronwhenhegoesabroad."

"OrwhenhegoestotheNationalLiberalClub,"saidArchie.

"'RULETHREE.--Heshouldbesurroundedasfaraspossiblewithbeautifulthings.'Beautifultoys,beautifulwall-paper,beautifulscenery----"

"Beautifulgodfathers?"Iaskeddoubtfully.

Simpsonignoredmeandwentonhurriedlywiththerestofhisrules.

"Well,"saidArchie,attheendofthem,"they'reallfairlyfutile,butifyouliketowritethemoutneatlyandframethemingoldIdon'tmindhangingthemupinthebathroom.Hasanybodyelsegotanythingfatuoustosaybeforetheladiesleaveus?"

Ifilledmyglass.



"I'vereallygotalottosay,"Ibegan,"becauseIconsiderthatI'vebeenratherleftoutofthings.Ifyoucometothinkofit,I'mtheonlypersonherewhoisn'tanythingimportant,alltherestofyoubeinggodfathers,orgodmothers,ormothers,orfathers,orsomething.However,Iwon'tdwellonthatnow.Butthere'sonethingImustsay,andhereitis."Iraisedmyglass."PeterBlairMannering,andmayhegrowuptobeabettermanthananyofus!"

Upstairs,inhappyinnocenceofthetremendoustaskinfrontofhim,thechildslept.Poorbaby!

Wedranksolemnly,butwithoutmuchhope.

WINTERSPORT

WINTERSPORT

I.--ANINTRODUCTION

"Ihadbettersayatonce,"IannouncedasIturnedoverthewinelist,"thatIhavecomeoutheretoenjoymyself,andenjoymyselfIshall.Myra,whatshallwedrink?"

"Youhadthreeweeks'honeymooninOctober,"complainedThomas,"andyou'retakinganotherthreeweeksnow.Don'tyoueverdoanywork?"

MyraandIsmiledateachother.ComingfromThomas,whospendshisbusydayleaningupagainstthewirelessinstallationattheAdmiralty,theremarkamusedus.

"We'llhavechampagne,"saidMyra,"becauseit'souropeningnight.Archie,afteryouwiththehead-waiter."

ItwasduetoDahlia,really,thattheRabbitswerehibernatingattheHÃ´teldesAngÃ©liques,Switzerland(central-heatedthroughout);forshehadbeenorderedabroad,afteranillness,topullherselftogetheralittle,andherdoctorhadagreedwithArchiethatshemightaswelldoitataplacewhereherhusbandcouldskate.OnthepointthatPetershouldcomeandskatetoo,however,Archiewasfirm.Whileadmittingthathelovedhisinfantson,heremindedDahliathatshecouldn'tpossiblygetthroughCalaisandPontarlierwithoutdeclaringPeter,andthatthedutyonthisclassofgoodswasremarkablyheavy.Peter,

therefore,wasleftbehind.Hehadanarmyofnursestolookafterhim,andastenographertotakedownhismoreimportantremarks.Withadailybulletinandarecordofhistable-talkpromisedher,Dahliawaspreparedtobecontent.

AsforMyraandme,wemighthavehesitatedtotakeanotherholidaysosoon,haditnotbeenforaletterIreceivedonemorningatbreakfast.

"Simpsonisgoing."Isaid."Hehaspurchasedapairofskis."



"Thatdoesit,"saidMyradecisively.And,gurglinghappilytoherself,shewentoutandboughtacamera.

ForThomasIcanfindnoexcuses.Atamomentofcrisishelefthiscountry'sNavyinjeopardyand,theAdmiraltyyachtbeingotherwiseengaged,bookedafirstreturnfromCook's.Andsoitwasthatatfouro'clockonedaywearrivedtogetherattheHÃ´teldesAngÃ©liques,andsomethreehourslaterweresettlingdowncomfortablytodinner.

"I'vehadabusytime,"saidArchie."I'vehiredasmallbob,alugeandapairofskisformyself,apairofsnow-shoesandsomeskatesforDahlia,a--atricyclehorseforSimpson,andIdon'tknowwhatelse.AllinFrench."

"WhatistheFrenchforapairofsnow-shoes?"askedMyra.

"IpointedtotheminFrench.TheundersizedRobertIgotatabargain.Themanwhohireditlastweekbrokehislegbeforehisfortnightwasup,andsotherewasareductionofseveralcentimes."

"I'vebeenbusytoo,"Isaid."I'vebeenwatchingMyraunpack,andtellingherwherenottoputmythings."

"Ipackedjollywell--exceptfortheaccident."

"Anaccidenttotheboot-oil,"Iexplained."IfIgetdowntomylastthreeshirtsyouwillnoticeit."

WestoppedeatingforamomentinordertodrinkDahlia'shealth.ItwasDahlia'shealthwhichhadsentusthere.

"Who'syourfriend,Samuel?"saidArchie,asSimpsoncaughtsomebody'seyeatanothertableandnodded.

"AfellowImetinthelift,"saidSimpsoncasually.

"Samuel,bewareofelevatoracquaintances,"saidMyrainhermostsolemn

manner.

"He'sratheragoodchap.HewasatPeterhousewithafriendofmine.Hewastellingmequiteagoodstoryabouta'wine'myfriendgavethereonce,when----"

"Didyoutellhimaboutyour'ginger-beers'atGiggleswick?"Iinterrupted.

"Mydearoldchap,he'sratheramantobeinwith.HeknowsthePresident."

"IthoughtnobodyknewthePresidentoftheSwissRepublic,"saidMyra.

"LiketheManintheIronMask."

"NotthatPresident,Myra.ThePresidentoftheAngÃ©liquesSportsClub."

"Neverheardofit,"weallsaid.

Simpsonpolishedhisglassesandprepareddelightedlytogiveanexplanation.



"TheSportsClubrunseverythinghere,"hebegan."Itgivesyouprizesforfancycostumesandskatingandsoon."

"IntroducemetothePresidentatonce,"cooedMyra,pattingherhairandsmoothingdownherfrock.

"EvenifyouweretheTreasurer'sbrother,"saidArchie,"youwouldn'tgetaprizeforskating,Simpson."

"You'veneverseenhimdoarockingseventeen,sideways."

Simpsonlookedatuspityingly.

"There'salotmoreinitthanthat,"hesaid."ThePresidentwillintroduceyoutoanybody.Onemightsee--er--somebodyoneratherlikedthelookof,and--er----Well,Imeaninanhotelonewantstoenterintothehotellifeand--er--meetotherpeople."

"Whoisshe?"saidMyra.

"AnybodyyouwanttomarrymustbesubmittedtoMyraforapprovalfirst,"Isaid."We'vetoldyousoseveraltimes."

Simpsonhastilydisclaimedanyintentionofmarryinganybody,andhelped

himselflavishlytochampagne.ItsohappenedthatIwasthefirstofourpartytomeetthePresident,anhonourwhich,perhaps,Ihardlydeserved.WhileSamuelwasseekingtortuousintroductionstohimthroughfriendsofPeterhousefriendsofhis,thePresidentandIfellintoeachother'sarmsinthemostnaturalway.

Itoccurredlikethis.Therewasadanceafterdinner;andMyra,notsatisfiedwithmyappearance,sentmeupstairstoputsomegloveson.(Itisoneofthepenaltiesofmarriagethatoneisalwaysbeingsentupstairs.)WithmyhandsproperlyshodIreturnedtotheball-room,andstoodforamomentinacornerwhileIlookedaboutforher.SuddenlyI

heardavoiceatmyside.

"Doyouwantapartner?"itsaid.

Iturned,andknewthatIwasfacetofacewiththePresident.

"Well----"Ibegan.

"Youareanew-comer,aren'tyou?Iexpectyoudon'tknowmanypeople.Ifthereisanybodyyouwouldliketodancewith----"

Ilookedroundtheroom.Itwastoogoodachancetomiss.

"Iwonder,"Isaid."Thatgirloverthere--inthepinkfrock--justputtingupherfan----"

Healmostembracedme.

"Icongratulateyouonyourtaste,"hesaid."Excellent!Comewithme."

Hewentovertothegirlinthepinkdress,Iathisheels.

"Er--mayIintroduce?"hesaid."Mr.--er--er--yes,thisis



Miss--er--yes.H'r'm."Evidentlyhedidn'tknowhername.

"Thankyou,"Isaidtohim.Henoddedandleftus.Iturnedtothegirlinthepinkfrock.Shewasverypretty.

"MayIhavethisdance?"Iasked."I'vegotmygloveson,"Iadded.

Shelookedatmegravely,tryinghardnottosmile.

"Youmay,"saidMyra.

II.--THEOPENINGRUN

WithagreateffortSimpsonstrappedhisfootsecurelyintoaskiandturneddoubtfullytoThomas.

"Thomas,"hesaid,"howdoyouknowwhichfootiswhich?"

"Itdependswhose,"saidThomas.Hewasbusytyingalargerucksackoflunchontohimself,andwasinnomoodforSamuel'sball-roomchatter.

"You'vegotoneskiononefoot,"Isaid."Thentheotherskigoesonthefootyou'vegotover.Ishouldhavethoughtyouwouldhaveseen

that.""ButImayhaveputthefirstoneonwrong."

"Yououghttoknow,afteralltheseyears,thatyouarecertaintohavedoneso,"Isaidseverely.HavinghadmyownhiredskisfixedonbytheconciergeIfeltrathersuperior.Simpson,havingboughthisinLondon,wasregardeddarklybythatgentleman,andlefttohisowndevices.

"Areweallready?"askedMyra,whohadkeptuswaitingfortwentyminutes."Archie,whataboutDahlia?"

"Dahliawilljoinusatlunch.SheisexpectingaletterfromPeterbythetwelveo'clockpostandrefusestostartwithoutit.Alsoshedoesn'tthinksheisuptoski-ingjustyet.Alsoshewantstohaveaheart-to-hearttalkwiththegirlinred,andbreakittoherthatThomasisengagedtoseveralpeopleinLondonalready."

"Comeon,"growledThomas,andheledthewayupthehill.Wefollowedhiminsinglefile.

Itwasadayofcolour,straightfromheaven.Oneithersidethedazzlingwhitenessofthesnow;above,thedeepblueofthesky;infrontofmethegloriousapricotofSimpson'swintersuiting.Londonseemedahundredyearsaway.Itwasimpossibletoworkuptheleast

interestintheHomeRuleBill,theBilliardTournament,orthestateofSt.Paul'sCathedral.

"Ifeelextremelypicturesque,"saidArchie."Ifonlywehadawolfortwoafterus,theillusionwouldbecomplete.TheBoyTrappers,orHalf-HoursamongtheRockyMountains."

"Itisapleasantthought,Archie,"Isaid,"thatinanywolftroublethebachelorsofthepartywouldhavetosacrificethemselvesforus.Myradear,thelossofSamuelinsuchcircumstanceswoulddrawusvery



closetogether.TheremightbealossofThomastoo,perhaps--foriftherewasnotenoughofSimpsontogoround,iftherewasahungrywolfleftover,wouldThomashesitate?"

"No,"saidThomas,"Ishouldrunlikeahare."

Simpsonsaidnothing.HisfaceIcouldnotsee;buthisbacklookedexactlylikethebackofamanwhowastryingtolookasifhehadbeenbroughtuponskisfromababyandwasnowtakingasmallpartyofenthusiasticnovicesoutfortheirfirstlesson.

"Whatanawfulshockitwouldbe,"Isaid,"ifwefoundthatSamuelreallydidknowsomethingaboutitafterall;and,whileweweretumblingaboutanyhow,hesailedgracefullydownthesteepestslopes.IshouldgostraightbacktoCricklewood."

"Mydearchap,I'vereadalotaboutit."

"Thenwe'requitesafe."

"Withallhisfaults,"saidArchie,"andtheyaremany--Samuelisagentleman.Hewouldnevertakeanunfairadvantageofus.Hallo,hereweare!"

WelefttheroadandmadeourwayacrossthesnowtoalittlewoodenhutwhichArchiehadnoticedthedaybefore.HereweweretomeetDahliaforlunch;andhere,accordingly,welefttherucksackandsuchgarmentsastheheatofthesunsuggested.Then,atthetopofalongsnow-slope,steepatfirst,moregentlelater,westoodandwondered.

"Who'sgoingfirst?"saidArchie.

"Whatdoyoudo?"askedMyra.

"Youdon't.Itdoesitforyou."

"Buthowdoyoustop?"

"Don'tbotheraboutthat,dear,"Isaid."Thatwillbearrangedforyouallright.Taketwostepstothebrinkofthehillandpickyourselfupatthebottom.Nowthen,Simpson!Beaman.Theladywaits,Samuel.The----Hallo!Hi!Help!"Icried,asIbegantomoveoffslowly.Itwastoolatetodoanythingaboutit."Good-bye,"Icalled.Andthenthingsmovedmorequickly....

Veryquickly....

SuddenlytherecameamomentwhenIrealizedthatIwasn'tkeepingupwithmyfeet....

Ishoutedtomyskistostop.Itwasnogood.Theywenton....

Idecidedtostopwithoutthem....

Theensuingsecondwentbytooswiftlyformetounderstandrightlywhathappened.Ifancythat,risingfrommysittingpositionandtravellingeasilyonmyhead,Icaughtmyskisupagainandpassedthem....

Thenitwastheirturn.Theyovertookme....



ButIwasnottobebeaten.OncemoreIobtainedthelead.ThistimeItooktheinsideberth,andkeptit....

ThereseemedtobealotmoresnowthanIreallywanted....Istruggledbravelywithit....

Andthentheearthquakeceased,andsuddenlyIwasintheouterair.Myfirstski-run,themostgloriousrunofmoderntimes,wasover.

"Ripping!"Ishoutedupthehilltothem."Butthere'sratheranastybumpatthebottom,"Iaddedkindly,asIsetmyselftotheimpossiblebusinessofgettingup....

"Jove,"saidArchie,comingtorestafewyardsoff,"that'ssplendid!"Hehadfalleninalessstrikingwaythanmyself,andhegottohisfeetwithoutdifficulty."Whydoyouposelikethat?"heasked,ashepickeduphisstick.

"I'mafixture,"Iannounced."Myra,"Isaid,assheturnedasomersaultandarrivedbeamingatmyside,"I'mhereforsometime;you'llhavetocomeouteverymorningwithcrumbsforme.Intheafternoonyoucanbringacheeringbookandreadaloudtoyourhusband.SometimesIshalldictatelittlethingstoyou.Theywillnotbemybestlittlethings;forthisposition,withmyfeetsomuchhigherthanmyhead,isnotthe

oneinwhichinspirationcomestomemostreadily.Theflowofbloodtothebrainimpairsreflection.Butnomatter."

"Areyoureallystuck?"askedMyrainsomeanxiety."Ishouldhatetohaveahusbandwholivedbyhimselfinthesnow,"shesaidthoughtfully.

"Letuslookonthebrightside,"saidArchie."ThesnowwillhavemeltedbyApril,andhewillthenbeabletoreturntoyou.Hallo,here'sThomas!Thomaswillprobablyhavesomecleverideaforrestoringthefamilycredit."

Thomasgotupinabusinesslikemannerandclimbedslowlybacktous.

"Thomas,"Isaid,"youseetheposition.Indeed,"Iadded,"itisobvious.Noneofthepeopleroundmeseemsinclined--or,itmaybe,able--tohelp.ThereisafeelingthatifMyralivesinthehotelalonewhileIremainhere--possiblytillApril--peoplewilltalk.Youknowhowreadytheyare.ThereisalsothefactthatIhaveonlyhiredtheskisforthreeweeks.Also--aminorpoint,butonethattouchesmerather--thatIshallwantmyhaircutlongbeforeMarchisout.Thomas,imaginemetobeatorpedo-destroyerontheMaplinSands,andtellmewhatonearthtodo."

"Takeyourskisoff."

"Oh,brilliant!"saidMyra.

"Takemyskisoff?"Icried."Never!Isitnotmydutytobethelasttoleavemyskis?CanIabandon----Hallo!isthatDahliaonthesky-line?Hooray,lunch!Archie,takemyskisoff,there'sagoodfellow.Wemustn'tkeepDahliawaiting."

III.--ATYPICALMORNING

"Youtakelunchoutto-day--no?"saidJosef,thehead-waiter,inhis



invariableformula.

MyraandIwerealoneatbreakfast,thefirstdown.Iwasjustputtingsomehoneyontomyseventhroll,andwasnotreallyinthemoodforlightconversationwithJosefaboutlunch.Bytheway,ImustsayIpreferthegoodoldEnglishbreakfast.Witheggsandbaconandporridgeyoudoknowwhenyouwanttostop;withrollsandhoneyyouhardlynoticewhatyouaredoing,andthereseemsnoreasonwhyyoushouldnotgoonforever.Indeed,once...butyouwouldneverbelieveme.

"Wetakelunchoutto-day,yes,Josef.Lunchfor--letmesee----"

"Six?"suggestedMyra.

"Whatareweallgoingtodo?Archiesaidsomethingaboutskating.I'moffthat."

"Butwhateverwedowemustlunch,andit'smuchniceroutdoors.Six,Josef."

Josefnoddedandretired.Itookmyeighthroll.

"Dolet'sgetoffquicklyto-day,"Isaid."There'salwayssomuchchatinthemorningbeforewestart."

"I'vejustgotoneswiftlettertowrite,"saidMyra,asshegotup,"andthenIshallbepawingtheground."

HalfanhourlaterIwasinthelounge,booted,capped,gloved,andputteed--thecompleteSt.Bernard.TheloungeseemedtobeentirelyfullofhotairandentirelyemptyofanybodyIknew.Iaskedforletters;and,gettingnone,wentoutandlookedatthethermometer.TomysurpriseIdiscoveredthattherewerethirty-sevendegreesoffrost.Alittlealarmed,Itappedthethingimpatiently."Come,come,"Isaid,"thisisnotthetimeforpersiflage."However,itinsistedonremainingatfivedegreesbelowzero.WhatIshouldhavedoneaboutitIcannotsay,butatthatmomentIrememberedthatitwasaCentigrade

thermometerwiththefreezingpointinthewrongplace.Slightlydisappointedthattherewereonlyfivedegreesoffrost(Centigrade)Ireturnedtothelounge.

"Hereyouareatlast,"saidArchieimpatiently."Whatareweallgoingtodo?"

"Where'sDahlia?"askedMyra."Let'swaittillshecomesandthenwecanalltalkatonce."

"Heresheis.Dahlia,forHeaven'ssakecomeandtellusthearrangementsfortheday.StartwiththeideafixedinyourmindthatMyraandIhaveorderedlunchforsix."

Dahliashepherdedustoaquietcorneroftheloungeandweallsatdown.

"Bytheway,"saidSimpson,"arethereanylettersforme?"

"No;it'syourturntowrite,"saidArchie.

"But,mydearchap,theremustbeone,because----"



"Butyouneveracknowledgedthebed-socks,"Ipointedout."Shecan'twritetillyou----Imean,itwasratherforwardofhertosendthematall;andifyouhaven'teven----"

"Well,"saidDahlia,"whatdoesanybodywanttodo?"

Thomaswasthefirsttoanswerthequestion.Agirlinredcameinfromthebreakfast-roomandsatdownnearus.ShelookedupinourdirectionandmetThomas'seye.

"Goodmorning,"saidThomas,withasmile,andheleftusandmovedacrosstoher.

"That'sthegirlhedancedwithalllastnight,"whisperedMyra."Ican'tthinkwhat'scomeoverhim.IsthisourreservedThomas--Thomasthetaciturn,whomweknowandlovesowell?Idon'tlikethewayshedoesherhair."

"She'saMissAylwyn,"saidSimpsoninaloudvoice."Ihadonedancewithhermyself."

"Theworld,"saidArchie,"isfullofpeoplewithwhomSamuelhashadonedance."

"Well,thatwashesThomasout,anyway.He'llspendthedayteachinghersomething.Whataretherestofusgoingtodo?"

Therewasamoment'ssilence.

"Oh,Archie,"saidDahlia,"didyougetthosenailsputinmyboots?"

IlookedatMyra...andsighed.

"Sorry,dear,"hesaid."I'lltakethemdownnow.Themanwilldothemintwentyminutes."HewalkedovertotheliftatthesamemomentthatThomasreturnedtous.

"Isay,"beganThomas,alittleawkwardly,"ifyou'rearrangingwhattodo,don'tbotheraboutme.Iratherthoughtof--er--takingitquietlythismorning.IthinkIoverdiditabityesterday."

"Wewarnedyouatthetimeaboutthefourthhard-boiledegg,"Isaid.

"Imeanttheski-ing.Wethoughtof--Ithoughtofhavinglunchinthehotel,but,ofcourse,youcanhavemyrucksacktocarryyoursin.Er--I'llgoandputitinforyou."

Hedisappearedrathersheepishlyinthedirectionofthedining-room.

"Now,Samuel,"saidMyragently.

"Nowwhat,Myra?"

"It'syourturn.Ifyouhaveaheadache,tellushername."

"MydearMyra,Iwanttoskito-day.Whereshallwego?Let'sgototheoldslopesandpractisetheChristianiaTurn."

"WhatyouwanttopractiseistheordinaryHampsteadStraight,"Isaid."Amediumperformanceofyoursyesterday,Samuel."



"But,mydearoldchap,"hesaideagerly,"Itoldyouitwasthefaultofmyskis.Theywouldsticktothesnow.Oh,Isay,"headded,"thatremindsme.Imustgoandbuysomewaxforthem."

Hedashedoff.IlookedatMyra...andsighed.

"Thenail-manwon'tbelong,"saidArchietoDahlia,onhisreturn."I'mtocallfortheminaquarterofanhour."

"Can'tyouwearsomeotherboots,Dahlia,oryourbedroomslippersorsomething?It'shalf-pasteleven.Wereallymustgetoffsoon."

"Butwehaven'tsettledwherewe'regoingyet."

"Thenfor'eving'ssakelet'sdoit.MyraandIthoughtwemightgoupabovethewoodatthebackandexplore.Wecanalwaysskidown.Itmightberatherexciting."

"Remember,"saidDahlia,"I'mnotsoexpertasyouare."

"Ofcourse,"saidMyra,"we'retheOberlandmixedchampions."

"Youknow,"saidArchie,"Iwastalkingtothemanwho'sdoingDahlia's

bootsandhesaidthesnowwouldbebadforski-ingto-day.""IfhetalkedinFrench,nodoubtyoumisunderstoodhim,"Isaid,alittleannoyed."Hewasprobablyaskingyoutobuyapairofskates."

"Talkingaboutthat,"saidArchie,"whyshouldn'tweskatethismorning,andhavelunchatthehotel,andthengettheboboutthisafternoon?"

"Hereyouare,"saidThomas,comingupwithaheavyrucksack."Lunchforsix,soyou'llhaveanextraone."

"I'dforgottenaboutlunch,"saidArchie."Lookhere,justtalkitoverwithDahliawhileIgoandseeaboutmyskates.Idon'tsupposeJosef

willmindifwedostayintolunchafterall.WhataboutSimpson?"

IlookedatMyra...andsighed.

"Whatabouthim?"Isaid.

.....

Halfanhourlatertwoexhaustedpeople--oneofthemwithlunchforsixonhisback--begantheascenttothewood,trailingtheirskisbehindthem.

"Anothermoment,"saidMyra,"andIshouldhavescreamed."

IV.--THOMAS,ANDATURN

Myrafinishedherorange,driedherhandsdaintilyonmyhandkerchief,andspokehermind.

"Thisisthethirdtime,"shesaid,"thatThomashasgivenustheslip.IfhegetsengagedtothatgirlinredIshallcry."



"Thereare,"Isaid,idlythrowingacrustatSimpsonandmissinghim,"engagementsandSwissengagements--justastherearemeaslesandGermanmeasles.ItiswellknownthatSwissengagementsdon'tcount."

"WegotengagedinKent.Abitofluck."

"IhavenothingagainstMissAylwyn----"Iwenton.

"Exceptthewayshedoesherhair."

"--butshedoesn'tstrikemeasbeingtheessentialRabbit.Wecannotadmithertothe--er--fold."

"Thecovey,"suggestedMyra.

"Thewarren.Anyhow,she----Simpson,forgoodness'sakestopfoolingaboutwithyourbeardedfriendandtelluswhatyouthinkofitall."

Wewerefinishinglunchintheleeofalittlechalet,highabovethehotel,andSimpsonhadpickedupanacquaintancewithagoat,whichhewasapparentlytryingtoconciliatewithapieceofchocolate.Thegoat,however,seemedtowantapieceofSimpson.

"Mydearoldchap,hewon'tgoaway.Here--shoo!shoo!IwishIknew

whathisnamewas.""Ernest,"saidMyra.

"Ican'tthinkwhyyouevergotintosuchahirsuteset,Simpson.Heprobablywantsyourcompass.Giveittohimandlethimwithdraw."

Ernest,havingdecidedthatSimpsonwasnotworthknowing,withdrew,andweresumedourconversation.

"Whenweelderlymarriedfolkhaveretired,"Iwenton,"andyougayyoungbachelorssitupoveralastcigartodiscussyourconquests,hasnotThomasunbenttoyou,Samuel,andtoldyouofhishopesandfears?"

"Hetoldmelastnighthewasafraidhewasgoingbald,andhesaidhehopedhewasn't."

"That'sabadsign,"saidMyra."Whatdidyousay?"

"IsaidIthoughthewas."

WithsomedifficultyIgotupfrommyseatinthesnowandbuckledonmyskis.

"Comeon,let'sforgetThomasforabit.SamuelisnowgoingtoshowustheChristianiaTurn."

Simpson,alleagerness,begantopreparehimself.

"IsaidIwould,didn'tI?Iwasdoingitquitewellyesterday.Thisisaperfectlittleslopeforit.Youunderstandthetheoryofit,don'tyou?"

"Wehopetoaftertheexhibition."

"Well,thegreatthingistoleantheoppositewaytothewayyouthink



yououghttolean.That'swhat'ssodifficult."

"Youunderstand,Myra?Samuelwillleantheoppositewaytowhathethinksheoughttolean.TellErnest."

"Butsupposeyouthinkyououghttoleantheproperway,thewaytheydoinChristiania,"saidMyra,"andyouleantheoppositeway,thenwhathappens?"

"ThatiswhatSamuelwillprobablyshowus,"Isaid.

Simpsonwasnowready.

"Iamgoingtoturntotheleft,"hesaid."Watchcarefully.Ofcourse,Imaynotbringitoffthefirsttime."

"Ican'thelpthinkingyouwill,"saidMyra.

"Itdependswhatyoucallbringingitoff,"Isaid."Wehaveeveryhopeof--Imeanwedon'tthinkourmoneywillbewasted.Haveyougottheopera-glassesandthepeppermintsandtheprogramme,darling?Thenyoumaybegin,Samuel."

Simpsonstarteddowntheslopealittleunsteadily.ForonemomentI

fearedthattheremightbeanaccidentbeforetherealaccident,butherecoveredhimselfnoblyandspedtothebottom.Thenacloudofsnowshotup,andforquitealongtimetherewasnoSimpson.

"Iknewhewouldn'tdisappointus,"gurgledMyra.

Wesliddowntohimandhelpedhimup.

"Youseetheidea,"hesaid."I'mafraidIspoiltitalittleatthatend,but----"

"MydearSamuel,youimproveditoutofallknowledge."

"ButthatactuallyistheChristianiaTurn."

"Oh,whydon'tweliveinChristiania?"exclaimedMyratome."Couldn'twepossiblyaffordit?"

"Itmustbeahappytown,"Iagreed."Howtheoldstreetsmustringandringagainwithjoviallaughter."

"ShallIdoitoncemore?"

"Canyou?"saidMyra,claspingherhandseagerly.

"Waithere,"saidSamuel,"andI'lldoitquiteclosetoyou."

Myraunstrappedhercamera.

Halfanhourlater,withseveralexcellentfilmsofthesceneofthecatastrophe,westartedforhome.Itwasmorethanalittlesteep,buttherundownwasaccomplishedwithoutanyserioustrouble.Simpsonwentfirsttodiscoveranyhiddenditches(andtohiscreditbeitsaidthatheinvariablydiscoveredthem);Myra,inthepositionofsafetyinthemiddle,profitedbySamuel'sfrequentobject-lessons;whileI,attheback,wasreadytohelpMyraup,ifneedarose,ortorepelany



avalanchewhichdescendedonusfromabove.Onthelevelsnowatthebottomwebecamemorecompanionable.

"Westillhaven'tsettledthegreatThomasquestion,"saidMyra."Whataboutto-morrow?"

"Whybotheraboutto-morrow?Carpediem.Latin."

"Butthegreattailingexpeditionisforto-morrow.Thehorsesareordered;everythingisprepared.Onlyonethingremainstosettle.ShallwehavewithusagrumpybutAylwynlessThomas,orshallwelethimbringherandspoiltheparty?"

"Shecan'tspoiltheparty.I'mheretoenjoymyself,andallThomas'sfiancÃ©escan'tstopme.Let'shaveThomashappy,anyway."

"She'sreallyquiteanicegirl,"saidSimpson."Idancedwithheronce."

"Right-o,then.I'lltellDahliatoinviteher."

Wehurriedontothehotel;butaswepassedtherinkthePresidentstoppedmeforachat.Hewantedmetoreciteataconcertthatevening.BaselydesertedbyMyraandSamuel,ItoldhimthatIdidnotrecite;

andItooktheopportunityofaddingthatpersonallyIdidn'tthinkanybodyelseoughtto.IhadjustpersuadedhimtomypointofviewwhenInoticedThomascuttingremarkablefiguresontheice.Hepickedhimselfupandskatedtotheside.

"Hallo!"hesaid."Hadagoodday?"

"Splendid.Whathaveyoubeendoing?"

"Oh--skating."

"Isay,aboutthistailingexpeditionto-morrow----"

"Er--yes,Iwasjustgoingtotalkaboutthat."

"Well,it'sallright.MyraisgettingDahliatoaskhertocomewithus."

"Good!"saidThomas,brighteningup.

"Yousee,weshallonlybeseven,evenwithMissAylwyn,and----"

"MissAylwyn?"saidThomasinahollowvoice.

"Yes,isn'tthatthenameofyourfriendinred?"

"Oh,thatone.Oh,butthat'squite--Imean,"hewentonhurriedly,"MissAylwynisprobablybookedupforto-morrow.It'sMissCardewwhoissokeenontailing.Thatgirlingreen,youknow."

ForamomentIstaredathimblankly.ThenIlefthimanddashedafterMyra.

V.--ATAILINGPARTY



Theprocessionpreparedtostartinthefollowingorder:--

(1)Abraceofsinister-lookinghorses.

(2)Gaspard,theLastoftheBandits;or"Whycausealotoftalkbypushingyourrichuncleoverthecliff,whenyoucanhavehimstabbedquietlyforonefrancfifty?"(IfeverIwereinanyvendettabusinessIshouldpickGaspardfirst.)

(3)Asleighfulloflunch.

(4)Afewwell-knownladiesandgentlemen(beingthecreamoftheHÃ´teldesAngÃ©liques)onluges;namely,readingfromlefttoright(whichisreallythebestmethod--unlessyouaretranslatingHebrew),Simpson,Archie,Dahlia,Myra,me,MissCardew,andThomas.

WhileGaspardwasputtingthefinishingknotstotheluges,IaddressedafewremarkstoMissCardew,fearingthatshemightbefeelingalittlelonelyamongstus.Isaidthatitwasalovelyday,anddidshethinkthesnowwouldholdofftillevening?Alsohadsheeverdonethissortofthingbefore?Iforgetwhatheranswerswere.

ThomasmeanwhilewasexchangingbadinageonthehotelstepswithMissAylwyn.TheremustbesomethingpeculiarintheSwissair,forin

EnglandThomasisquitearespectableman...andagodfather."Isupposewehaveaskedtherightone,"saidMyradoubtfully.

"Hisyoungaffectionsaredivided.Therewasathirdgirlinpinkwithwhomhebreakfastedalotthismorning.Itistheoldtraditionofthesea,youknow.Asailor--ImeananAdmiraltycivilianhasawifeateverywirelessstation."

"Takeyourseats,please,"saidArchie."Thehorsesaresickofwaiting."

Wesatdown.ArchietookDahlia'sfeetonhislap,Myratookmine,Miss

CardewtookThomas's.Simpson,aloneinfront,nursedaguide-book.

"Enavant!"criedSimpsoninhisbestFrench-taught-in-twelve-lessonsaccent.

Gaspardmutteredanoathtohisanimals.Theypulledbravely.Theropesnapped--andtheytrottedgailydownthehillwithGaspard.

Wehurriedafterthemwiththeluges....

"It'sagoodjoke,"saidArchie,afterthishadhappenedthreetimes,"but,personally,Iwearyofit.MissCardew,I'mafraidwe'vebroughtyououtunderfalsepretences.Thomasdidn'texplainthethingtoyou

adequately.Hegaveyoutounderstandthattherewasmoreinitthanthis."

Gaspard,whoseemedfullofrope,producedafourthpieceandtiedaknotthatmadeevenSimpsonenvious.

"Now,Samuel,"Ibegged,"dokeepthelinetautthistime.Whydoyousupposeweputyourapricotsuitrightinthefront?Isit,doyousuppose,forthesunseteffectsateleveno'clockinthemorning,orisitthatyoumaylookaftertheropeproperly?"



"I'mawfullysorry,MissCardew,"saidSimpson,feelingthatsomebodyoughttoapologizeforsomethingandknowingthatGaspardwouldn't,"butIexpectitwillbeallrightnow."

Wesettleddownagain.OncemoreGaspardcursedhishorses,andoncemoretheystartedoffbravely.Andthistimewewentwiththem.

"Theideaallalong,"IexplainedtoMissCardew.

"Irathersuspectedit,"shesaid.Apparentlyshehasasuspiciousmind.

Afterthelittledescentatthestart,wewentuphillslowlyforacoupleofmiles,andthenmorerapidlyoverthelevel.Wehaddrivenoverthesameroadinasleigh,comingfromthestation,andhadbeenbitterlycoldandextremelybored.WhyourpresentpositionshouldbesomuchmoreenjoyableIdidn'tquitesee.

"It'stheexpectationofanaccident,"saidArchie."Atanymomentsomebodymayfalloff.Good."

"Mydearoldchap,"saidSimpson,turningroundtotakepartintheconversation,"whyanybodyshouldfalloff----"

Wewentsuddenlyroundacorner,andquietlyandwithoutanyfusswhateverSimpsonlefthislugeandrolledontothetrack.Luckilyanypossibilityofafurtheraccidentwasatonceavoided.Therewasnopanicatall.Archiekickedthebodytemporarilyoutoftheway;afterwhichDahlialeantoverandpusheditthoughtfullytothesideoftheroad.Myrawardeditoffwithalegasshenearedit;withbothhandsIhelpeditintothedeepsnowfromwhichithadshownatendencytoemerge;MissCardewputafootoutatitforsafety;andThomaspatteditgentlyontheheadastheendofthe"tail"wentpast....

Assoonaswehadrecoveredourpowersofspeech--allexceptMissCardew,whowasinhysterics--wecalleduponGaspardtostop.Heindicatedwiththebackofhisneckthatitwouldbedangeroustostop

justthen;anditwasnotuntilwewereatthebottomofthehill,nearlyamilefromtheplacewhereSimpsonleftus,thattheprocessionhalted,andgaveitselfupagaintolaughter.

"Ihopeheisnothurt,"saidDahlia,wipingthetearsfromhereyes.

"Hewouldn'tspoilagoodjokelikethatbygettinghurt,"saidMyraconfidently."He'smuchtoomuchofasportsman."

"Whydidhedoit?"saidThomas.

"Hesuddenlyrememberedhehadn'tpackedhissafety-razor.He'shalf-waybacktothehotelbynow."

MissCardewremainedinhysterics.

Tenminuteslaterabrilliantsunsetwasobservedapproachingfromthenorth.Alittlelateritwasseentobealargedishofapricotsandcream.

"Hedrawsnear,"saidArchie."Nowthen,let'sbesternwithhim."

Attwentyyards'rangeSimpsonbegantotalk.Histrothadheatedhim



slightly.

"Isay,"hesaidexcitedly."You----"

Myrashookherheadathim.

"Notdone,Samuel,"shesaidreproachfully.

"Notwhat,Myra?Whatnot----"

"Yououghtn'ttoleaveuslikethatwithouttellingus."

"Afterall,"saidArchie,"wearealloneparty,andwearesupposedtokeeptogether.Ifyouprefertogoaboutbyyourself,that'sallright;butifwegotothetroubleofarrangingsomethingforthewholeparty----"

"Youmighthavecausedaverynastyaccident,"Ipointedout."Ifyouwereinahurry,youhadonlytosayawordtoGaspardandhewouldhavestoppedforyoutoalight.NowIbegintounderstandwhyyoukeptcuttingtheropeatthestart."

"YouhavesentMissCardewintohystericsbyyourconduct,"saidDahlia.

MissCardewgaveanotherpeal.Simpsonlookedatherindismay."Isay,MissCardew,I'mmostawfullysorry.Ireallydidn't----Isay,Dahlia,"hewentonconfidentially,"oughtn'twetodosomethingaboutthis?Rubherfeetwithsnowor--Imean,Iknowthere'ssomethingyoudowhenpeoplehavehysterics.It'sratherseriousiftheygoon.Don'tyouburnfeathersundertheirnose?"Hebegantofeelinhispockets."IwonderifGaspard'sgotafeather?"

WithagreateffortMissCardewpulledherselftogether."It'sallright,thankyou,"shesaidinastifledvoice.

"Thenlet'sgeton,"saidArchie.

Weresumedourseatsoncemore.ArchietookDahlia'sfeetonhislap.Myratookmine.MissCardewtookThomas's.Simpsonclungtighttohislugewithbothhands.

"Right!"criedArchie.

Gaspardsworeathishorses.Theypulledbravely.Theropesnapped--andtheytrottedgailyupthehillwithGaspard.

Wehurriedafterthemwiththeluges....

VI.--AHAPPYENDING

"Forourlastnighttheymightatleasthavehadadance,"saidMyra,"eveniftherewasnopublicpresentation."

"Aswehadhoped,"Iadmitted.

"Whatisagymkhana,anyway?"askedThomas.

"Afewlittlecompetitions,"saidArchie."Onemustcaterforthe



chaperonssometimes.YouareallenteredfortheHat-makingandtheFeather-blowing--Dahliathoughtitwouldamuseyou."

"AtCambridge,"Isaidreminiscently,"Ionceblewthefeather119feet7inches.UnfortunatelyIsteppedoutsidethecircle.Myofficialrecordis2feet."

"DidyouevertrimahatatCambridge?"askedMyra."Becauseyou'vegottodooneformeto-night."

Ihadnotexpectedthis.MyviewofthecompetitionhadbeenthatIshouldhavetoprovidethefaceandthatshewouldhavetoinventsomesuitableframeforit.

"I'mfullofideas,"Ilied.

Nineo'clockfoundasmallrowofuspreparedtoblowthefeather.Thepresidentialinstructionswerethatwehadtoraceourfeatheracrossachalk-lineattheendoftheroom,anybodytouchinghisfeathertobedisqualified.

"Intheairoronthefloor?"askedSimpsonearnestly.

"Justasyoulike,"saidthePresidentkindly,andcameroundwiththe

bag.IselectedPercywithcare--adearlittlefeatherabouthalfaninchlongandofadelicatewhity-browncolour.Ishouldhaveknownhimagainanywhere.

"Go!"saidthePresident.Iwasratherexcited,withtheresultthatmyfirstblowwasmuchtoopowerfulforPercy.Heshotuptotheceilingand,inspiteofallIcoulddo,seemedinclinedtostaythere.AnxiouslyIwaitedbelowwithmymouthopen;hecameslowlydownatlast;andinmyeagernessIplayedmysecondjustashadetoosoon.Itmissedhim.Mythird(whenIwasreadyforit)wentharmlesslyoverhishead.Afranticfourthandfifthhelpedhimdownwards...andinanother

momentmybeautifulPercywasonthefloor.Idroppedonmykneesandplayedmysixthvigorously.Heswirledtotheleft;Iwasafterhimlikeashot...andcrashedintoThomas.Werolledoverinaheap.

"Sorry!"weapologizedaswegotbackontoourhandsandknees.

Thomaswentonblowing.

"Where'smyfeather?"Isaid.

Thomaswasnowtwoyardsahead,blowinglikeanything.Aterriblesuspiciondartedthroughmymind.

"Thomas,"Isaid,"you'vegotmyfeather."

Hemadenoanswer.Iscrambledafterhim.

"That'sPercy,"Isaid."Ishouldknowhimanywhere.You'reblowingPercy.It'sverybadformtoblowanotherman'sfeather.Ifitgotabout,youwouldbecutbythecounty.Givemebackmyfeather,Thomas."

"Howdoyouknowit'syourfeather?"hesaidtruculently."Feathersarejustalike."



"HowdoIknow?"Iaskedinamazement."AfeatherthatI'vebroughtupfromtheegg?OfcourseIknowPercy."Ileantdowntohim."P--percy,"Iwhispered.Hedartedforwardagoodsixinches."Yousee,"Isaid,"heknowshisname."

"Asamatteroffact,"saidThomas,"hisname'sP--paul.Look,I'llshowyou."

"Youneedn'tbother,Thomas,"Isaidhastily."Thisismeretrifling.Iknowthat'smyfeather.Irememberhisprofiledistinctly."

"Thenwhere'smine?"

"HowdoIknow?Youmayhaveswallowedit.GoawayandleavePercyandmetoourselves.You'reonlyspoilingthekneesofyourtrousersbystayinghere."

"PaulandI----"beganThomas.

Hewasinterruptedbyaburstofapplause.Dahliahadcajoledherfeatheroverthelinefirst.Thomasroseandbrushedhimself."Youcan'avehim,"hesaid.

"There!"Isaid,asIpickedPercyupandplacedhimreverentlyinmywaistcoatpocket."Thatshowsthathewasmine.IfhehadbeenyourownlittlePaulyouwouldhavelovedhimevenindefeat.Oh,musicalchairsnow?Right-o."AndatthePresident'stouchIretiredfromthearena.

Wehadnotenteredformusicalchairs.PersonallyIshouldhavelikedto,butitwasfeltthat,ifnoneofusdid,thenitwouldbemoreeasytostopSimpsondoingso.ForatmusicalchairsSimpsonis--Iamafraidthereisonlyonewordforit;itisawordthatIhesitatetouse,butthetruthmustprevail--Simpsonisrough.Heletshimselfgo.Heplaysallheknows.WheneverItakeSimpsonoutanywhereIalwayswhispertomyhostess,"Notmusicalchairs."

Thelasteventoftheeveningwasthehat-makingcompetition.Eachmanofuswasprovidedwithfivelargesheetsofcolouredcrinklypaper,apacketofpins,apairofscissors,andaladyoppositetohim.

"Haveyouanyplansatall?"askedMyra.

"Heaps.Tellme,whatsortofhatwouldyoulike?SomethingforthePark?"Idoubledupapieceofbluepaperandlookedatit."Youknow,ifthisisasuccess,Myra,Ishalloftenmakeyourhatsforyou."

FiveminuteslaterIhadwhatIbelieveiscalleda"foundation."Anyhow,itwassomethingforMyratoputherheadinto.

"OurverylatestBondStreetmodel,"saidMyra."Onlyfifteenguineas--orthree-and-ninepenceifyoubuyitatourotherestablishmentinBattersea."

"Nowthen,Icangetgoing,"Isaid,andIbegantocutoutawhitefeather."Yes,yourladyship,thisisfromthegenuinebirdonourownostrichfarmintheFulhamRoad.Pluckedwhiletheingenuousbipedhaditsheadinthesand.Ishallputthatroundthebrim,"andIpinneditround.



"Whataboutafewroses?"saidMyra,fingeringtheredpaper.

"Therosesaregoingthereontheright."Ipinnedthemon."Andahumming-birdandsomevioletsnexttothem....Isay,I'vegotalotofpaperover.Whataboutanicepieceofcabbage...there...andabunchofasparagus...andsometomatoesandaseagull'swingontheleft.Thebackstilllooksratherbare--let'shavesomepoppies."

"There'sonlythreeminutesmore,"saidMyra,"andyouhaven'tusedallthepaperyet."

"I'vegotaboutoneWilliamAllanRichardsonandacoupleofcanariesover,"Isaid,afterexaminingmystock."Let'sputitinsideaslining.There,Myra,mydear,I'mproudofyou.Ialwayssaythatinanicequiethatnobodylooksprettierthanyou."

"Time!"saidthePresident.

Anxiousmatronsprowledroundus.

"Wedon'tknowanyofthejudges,"Iwhispered."Thisisn'tfair."

ThematronsconferredwiththePresident.Heclearedhisthroat."Thefirstprize,"hesaid,"goesto----"

ButIhadswooned.

.....

"Well,"saidArchie,"theRabbitsreturntoEnglandwithtwocupswononthesnowfieldsofSwitzerland."

"Nobodyneedknow,"saidMyra,"whichwinter-sporttheywerewonat."

"UnlessIhave'Ski-ing,FirstPrize'engravedonmine,"Isaid,"asIhadratherintended."

"ThenIshallhave'Figure-Skating'onmine,"saidDahlia.

"Twocups,"reflectedArchie,"andThomasengagedtothreecharminggirls.Ithinkithasbeenworthit,youknow."

ABAKER'SDOZEN

ATRAGEDYINLITTLE

Thegreatquestionofthedayis,WhatwillbecomeofSidney?WheneverIthinkofhimnow,theunbiddentearwellsintomyeye...andwellsdownmycheek...andwellsontomycollar.MyfriendsthinkIhaveacold,andoffermelozenges;butitisSidneywhomakesmeweep.IfearthatIamabouttolosehim.

Hecameintomylifeinthefollowingway.



SomemonthsagoIwantedtobuysomesilkstockings;notformyself,forIseldomwearthem,butforasister.Theideacamesuddenlytomethatanywomanwithabrotherandabirthdaywouldsimplylovetheonetogivehersilkstockingsfortheother.But,ofcourse,theywouldhavetobetherightsilkstockings--thefashionableshapefortheyear,thecorrectassortmentofclocks,andsoforth.Thenastomaterial--couldIbesureIwasgettingsilk,andnotsilketteorsomethinginferior?Howmaddeningif,seeingthatIwasanunprotectedman,theypalmedoffJaegeronme!Clearlythiswasacaseforoutsideassistance.SoIcalledinCelia.

"This,"Isaidtoher,"ispracticallytheonlysubjectonwhichIamnotanexpert.AtthesametimeIhaveadistinctfeelingforsilkstockings.Ifyoucanhurrymepastalltheembarrassingcounterssafely,andarrangefortheladybehindtherightonetoshowmetherightlineinsilkenhose,Iwillundertaketopickouthalfadozenpairsthatwouldmeltanysister'sheart."

Well,theaffairwentoffperfectly.CeliatookthematterintoherownhandsandbehavedjustasifIwerebuyingthemforher.Theshop-assistantalsobehavedasifIwere.FortunatelyIkeptmyheadwhenitcametogivingthenameandaddress."No,"IsaidfirmlytoCelia."Notyours;mysister's."AndIdraggedherawaytotea.

NowwhetheritwasbecauseCeliahadparticularlyenjoyedherafternoon;orbecauseshefeltthatamanwhowasasignorantasIaboutsilkstockingsmustleadaverylonelylife;orbecauseIhadmentionedcasuallyanderroneouslythatitwasmyownbirthdaythatweek,Icannotsay;butonthefollowingmorningIreceivedalittlebox,withanoteontheoutsidewhichsaidinherhandwriting,"Somethingforyou.Bekindtohim."AndIopeneditandfoundSidney.

HewasaJapanesedwarf-tree--themerestboy.Ateightyorninety,accordingtothephotographs,hewouldbeastalwartfellowwiththickbarkonhistrunk,andfir-conesoracorns(orwhateverwashisspeciality)hangingalloverhim.Justatpresenthewasbarelyten.I

hadonlyeightyyearstowaitbeforehereachedhisprime.

NaturallyIdecidedtolavishallmycareuponhisupbringing.Iwouldwaterhimafterbreakfasteverymorning,and(whenIrememberedit)atnight.Iftherewasanytop-dressingheparticularlyfancied,heshouldhaveit.Ifhehadanydeadleavestosnipoff,Iwouldsnipthem.

ItwasatthismomentthatIdiscoveredsomethingelseinthebox--acardofinstructions.Ihavenotgotitnow,andIhaveforgottentheactualwording,butthespiritofitwasthis:

HINTSONTHEPROPERREARINGANDBRINGING-UPOFAJAPANESEDWARF-TREE

Thelifeofthistreeisaprecariousone,andifitistobesuccessfullybroughttomanhoodthefollowingrulesmustbecarefullyobserved--

I.Thistreerequires,aboveallelse,freshairandexercise.

II.Wheneverthesunisshining,thetreeshouldbeplacedoutside,inapositionwhereitcanabsorbtherays.

III.Whenevertherainisraining,itshouldbeplacedoutside,ina



positionwhereitcanabsorbthewet.

IV.Itshouldbetakenoutforatrotatleastonceeveryday.

V.Itsimplyloathesartificiallightandartificialheat.Ifyoukeepitinyourdrawing-room,seethatitissituatedasfaraspossiblefromthechandelierandthegas-stove.

VI.Italsodetestsnoise.Donotplaceitonthetopofthepianola.

VII.Itlovesmoonlight.Leaveitoutsidewhenyougotobed,incasethemoonshouldcomeout.

VIII.Ontheotherhand,ithateslightning.Coveritupwiththecanary'sclothwhenthelightningbegins.

IX.Ifitshowssignsofdrooping,acourseofmassagewillgenerallybringitround.

X.Butinnocaseofferitbuns.

Well,Ireadtheseinstructionscarefully,andsawatoncethatIshouldhavetohandoverthebusinessofrearingSidneytoanother.Ihavemy

livingtoearnthesameasanybodyelse,andIshouldnevergetanyworkdoneatallifIhadconstantlytoberushinghomefromtheofficeonthepleathatitwastimeforMasterSidney'ssun-bath.

SoIcalledupmyhousekeeper,andplacedthematterbeforeher.

Isaid:"LetmeintroduceyoutoSidney.Heisverydeartome;dearertomethana--abrother.No,onsecondthoughtsmybrotherisperhaps--well,anyhow,Sidneyisverydeartome.Iwillshowmytrustinyoubyaskingyoutotendhimforme.Hereareafewnotesabouthishealth.Franklyheisdelicate.Butthedoctorshavehope.Withcare,theythink,hemaylivetobeahundred-and-fifty.Hisfutureisinyourhands."

Myhousekeeperthankedmeforthismarkofesteemandtookthecardofinstructionsawaywithher.Iaskedherforitaweekafterwardsanditappearedthat,havingcommittedtherulestomemory,shehadlostit.ButthatshefollowstheinstructionsIhavenodoubt;andcertainlysheandSidneyunderstandeachother'swaysexactly.Automaticallyshegiveshimhisbath,hismassage,hisruninthepark.Whenitrainsorsnowsorshines,sheknowsexactlywhattodowithSidney.

ButasaconsequenceIseelittleofhim.Isupposeitmustalwaysbeso;weparentsmustmakethesesacrificesforourchildren.Thinkofamotheronlyseeinghereldest-bornforfifteenweeksayearthroughthelongperiodofhisschooling;andthinkofme,doomedtocatchonlythe

mostcasualglimpsesofSidneyuntilheisninety.

For,youknow,ImightalmostsaythatIneverseehimatallnow.AsIgotomyworkImay,ifIamlucky,getafleetingglanceofhimonthetiles,wherehesitsdrinkingintherainorsun.Intheevening,whenIreturn,heiseitheroutinthemoonlightor,ifindoors,shunningtheartificiallightwiththeclothoverhishead.Indeed,theonlytimeswhenIreallyseehimtotalktoarewhenCeliacomestoteawithme.Thenmyhousekeeperhurrieshiminfromhiswalkorhissun-bath,andputshim,brushedandmanicured,onmydesk;andCeliaandIwhisper



fondnothingstohim.IbelieveCeliathinkshelivesthere!

.....

AsIbeganbysaying,IweepforSidney'sapproachingend.Formyhousekeeperleavesthisweek.Anewonetakesherplace.HowwillshetreatmypoorSidney?Theoldcardofinstructionsislost;whatcanIgiveherinitsplace?ThelegendthatSidney'sisapreciouslife--thathemusthavehismorningbath,hisrun,hisglassofhotwateraftermeals!Shewouldlaughatit.Besides,shemaynotbeatallthesortoffoster-motherforaJapanesedwarf-tree....

ItwillbreakmyheartifSidneydiesnow,forIhadsolookedforwardtocelebratinghisninetiethbirthdaywithhim.ItwillhurtCeliatoo.Buthergrief,ofcourse,willbeaninferioraffair.Infact,acoupleofpairsofsilkstockingswillhelphertoforgethimaltogether.

THEFINANCIER.I

ThisishowIbecameaWestAfricanminingmagnatewithastakeintheEmpire.

DuringFebruaryIgrewsuddenlytiredofwaitingforthesummertobegin.Londoninthesummerisapleasantplace,andchieflysobecauseyoucankeeponbuyingeveningpaperstoseewhatKentisdoing.InFebruarylifehasnosuchexcitementstooffer.SoIwrotetomysolicitoraboutit.

"Iwantyou"(Iwrote)"tobuymefiftyrubbershares,sothatIcanwatchthemgoupanddown."AndIadded"Brokerage1/8"toshowthatIknewwhatIwastalkingabout.

Herepliedterselyasfollows:--

"Don'tbeafool.IfyouhaveanymoneytoinvestIcangetyouasafemortgageatfivepercent.Letmeknow."

It'safunnythinghowthemindsofsolicitorsrunuponmortgages.Iftheywouldonlystoptothinkforamomenttheywouldseethatyoucouldn'tpossiblywatchasafemortgagegoupanddown.IleftmysolicitoraloneandconsultedHenryonthesubject.IntheintervalsbetweengolfandgolfHenrydabblesinfinance.

"Youdon'twantanythinggilt-edged,Igather?"hesaid.It'swonderfulhowtheytalk.

"Iwantittogoupanddown,"Iexplainedpatiently,andIindicatedtherequiredmovementwithmyumbrella.

"Whataboutalittleflutterinoil?"hewenton,justlikeafinancierinanovel.

"I'llhavealittleflutterinraspberryjamifyoulike.AnythingaslongasIcanrusheverynightforthelasteditionoftheeveningpapersandsaynowandthen,'Goodheavens,I'mruined.'"



"Thenyou'dbettertryagold-mine,"saidHenrybitterly,inthevoiceofonewhohadtried."Takeyourchoice,"andhethrewthepaperovertome.

"Idon'twantawholemine--onlyaveinortwo.Yes,thisisveryinteresting,"Iwenton,asIgotamongtheWestAfricans."Thescoringseemstobeprettylow;Isupposeitmusthavebeenawetwicket.'H.E.Reef,1-3/4,2'--hedidalittlebetterinthesecondinnings.'1/2,BoffinRiver,5/16,7/16'--theyfollowedon,yousee,buttheysavedtheinningsdefeat.Bytheway,whichfiguredoIreallykeepmyeyeonwhenIwanttowatchthemgoupanddown?"

"Both.Oneeyeoneach.Anddon'ttalkaboutBoffinRivertome."

"Isitlikethat,Henry?Iamsorry.Isupposeit'stoolatenowtoofferyouasafemortgageatfivepercent?Iknowamanwhohassome.Well,perhapsyou'reright."

OnthenextdayIbecameamagnate.TheJaguarMinewastheoneIfixedupon--fortworeasons.First,thefigureimmediatelyafteritwas1,whichstruckmeasagoodpointfromwhichtowatchitgoupanddown.Secondly,ImetamanatlunchwhoknewsomebodywhohadactuallyseentheJaguarMine.

"Hesaysthatthere'snodoubtabouttherebeinglotsthere."

"Lotsofwhat?Jaguarsorgold?"

"Ah,hedidn'tsay.Perhapshemeantjaguars."

Anyhow,itwasanevenchance,andIdecidedtoriskit.Inaweek'stimeIwastheownerofwhatwecallintheCitya"block"ofJaguars--boughtfromoneHerbertBellingham,who,Isuppose,hadbeengotatbyhissolicitorandcompelledtoreturntosomethingsafe.IwasaWestAfricanmagnate.

Myfirsttwomonthsasamagnatewereagreatsuccess.WithmyheartinmymouthIwouldtearopenthefinancialeditionsoftheeveningpapers,tofindonedaythatJaguarshadsoaredlikearocketto1-1/16,thenextthattheyhaddroppedlikeastoneto1-1/32.Therewasoneterribleafternoonwhenforsomereasonwhichwillneverbeproperlyexplainedwesankto15/16.IthinktheEuropeansituationhadsomethingtodowithit,thoughthisnaturallyisnotadmitted.LordRothschild,Ifancy,suddenlythrewallhisJaguarsonthemarket;hesoldandsoldandsold,andonlyheldhishandwhen,indesperation,theTsargrantedtheconcessionforhisnewSouthendtoSiberiarailway.Somethinglikethat.Butheneverreckedhowtheprivateinvestorwouldsuffer;andtherewasI,sittingathomeandsendingoutmadlyforallthepapers,untilmyroomswerelitteredwithcopiesofTheTimes,TheFinancial

News,Answers,TheFeatheredWorld,andHomeChat.Nextdaywewereupto31/32,andIwasabletobreatheagain.

ButIhadotherpleasuresthanthese.PreviouslyIhadregardedtheCitywithawe,butnowIfeltaglowofpossessioncomeovermewheneverIapproachedit.OfteninthosefirsttwomonthsIusedtoleanagainsttheMansionHouseinafamiliarsortofway;onceIstruckamatchagainsttheRoyalExchange.AndwhatanimpressionoffinancialacumenIcouldmakeinadrawing-roombyacarelessreferencetomy"blockofJaguars"!EventhosewhomisunderstoodmeandthoughtIspokeofmy



"flockofjaguars"werestartled.Indeedlifewasverygoodjustthen.

Butlatelythingshavenotbeengoingwell.AtthebeginningofAprilJaguarssettleddownat1-1/16.ThoughIstoodforhoursattheclubtape,myhairstandinguponendandmyeyeballsstartingfromtheirsockets,Jaguarsstillcamethroughsteadilyat1-1/16.Togivethemachanceofdoingsomething,Ileftthemaloneforawholeweek--withwhatagonyyoucanimagine.ThenIlookedagain;awholeweekandanythingmighthavehappened.Pauperormillionaire?--No,still1-1/16.

Worsewastofollow.EditorsactuallytooktoleavingoutJaguarsaltogether.Isupposetheyweresickofputting1-1/16ineveryedition.Buthowridiculousitmademyideaseemofwatchingthemgoupanddown!Howblanklifebecameagain!

AndnowwhatIdreadedmostofallhashappened.Ihavereceiveda"ProgressReport"fromthemine.Itgivesthe"totalfootage"forthemonth,specialreferencebeingmadeto"cross-cutting,winzing,andsinking."Theamountof"tonscrushed"isannounced.Thereisserioustalkof"ore"being"extracted";indeedtherehasalreadybeenamostalarming"yieldinfinegold."Inshort,itcannolongerbehushedupthatthepropertymayatanymomentbe"placedonadividend-payingbasis."

ProbablyIshallbegettingasafefivepercent!"Dashitall,"asIsaidtomysolicitorthismorning,"Imightjustaswellhaveboughtarottenmortgage."

THEFINANCIER.II

(Eighteenmonthslater)

ItisnearlytwoyearsagothatIbeganspeculatinginWestAfricanmines.Youmayrememberwhatastirmyentryintothefinancialworldcreated;howSirIsaacIsaacsteinwentmadandshothimself;howSir

SamuelSamuelsteinwentmadandshothistypist;andhowSirMosesMosesteinwentmadandshothistypewriter,permanentlydamagingtheletter"s."TherewaspanicintheCityonthatFebruarydayin1912whenIboughtJaguarsandsetthemarketrocking.

IboughtJaguarspartlyfortheriseandpartlyforthethrill.IndescribingmyspeculationtoyoueighteenmonthsagoIdweltchieflyonthethrillpart;IallegedthatIwantedtoseethemgoupanddown.ItwouldhavebeenmoreaccuratetohavesaidthatIwantedtoseethemgoup.ItwasbecauseIwassuretheyweregoingupthat,withtheunitedsupportofmysolicitor,mystockbroker,mylandagent,mydoctor,myarchitectandmyvicar(mostofthemhiredfortheoccasion),IboughtfiftysharesintheJaguarmineofWestAfrica.

WhenIboughtJaguarstheywereat1--1-1/16.Thismeansthat----No,onsecondthoughtsIwon't.Therewasatimewhen,intheprideofmynewknowledge,Ishouldhaveinsistedonexplainingtoyouwhatitmeant,butIamgettingblasÃ©now;besides,youprobablyknow.ItisenoughthatIboughtthem,andboughtthemonthedistinctunderstandingfrommyfinancialadviserthatbytheendofthemonththeywouldbeupto2.InthatcaseIshouldhavemaderathermorethanfortypoundsinafewdays,simplybyassemblingtogethermysolicitor,stockbroker,land-agent,etc.,etc.,inLondon,andwithoutgoingtoWestAfricaat



all.Awonderfulthought.

AttheendofamonthJaguarsweresteadyat1-1/16;andIhadreceivedareportfromtheminetotheeffectthatdownbelowtheyweresimplyhackinggoldoutasfastastheycouldhack,andupatthetopwereverybusyrinsingandwashingandsponginganddryingit.Thenextmonththesituationwasthesame:JaguarsinLondonverysteadyat1-1/16,JaguardiggersinWestAfricaverysteadyatgold-digging.AndattheendofthethirdmonthIrealizednotonlythatIwasnotgoingtohaveanythrillsatall,but(evenworse)thatIwasnotgoingtomakeanymoneyatall.Ihadbeendeceived.

.....

Thatwaswhere,eighteenmonthsago,IleftthestoryofmyCitylife.Agooddealhashappenedsincethen;asaresultofwhichIamoncemoreeagerlywatchingthepriceofJaguars.

AmonthortwoafterIhadwrittenaboutthem,Jaguarsbegantogodown.Theydidit(astheyhavedoneeverythingsinceIhaveknownthem)stupidly.Iftheyhaddroppedinasinglenightto3/4,Ishouldatleasthavehadmythrill.Ishouldhavesufferedinasinglenightthelossofsomepounds,andIcouldhaveborneitdramatically;eitherwiththesternnessofthesilentSaxon,orelsewiththevolubilityofthe

volatile--Ican'tthinkofanybodybeginningwitha"V."But,alas!Jaguarsneverdroppedatall.Theysubsided.Theysubsidedslowlybackto1--soslowlythatyoucouldhardlyobservethemgoing.Aweeklatertheywere63/64,which,ofcourse,ispracticallythesameas1.Amonthafterwardstheywere31/32,anditisadebatablepointwhetherthatislessormorethan63/64.Anyhow,bythetimeIhadworkeditoutanddecidedthatitwasslightlyless,theywereat61/64,andonehadthesametroublealloveragain.At61/64Ileftthemforatime;andwhenInextreadthefinancialcolumntheywereat15/16,whichstillseemedtobefairlynearto1.Andevenwhenatlast,aftermanymonths,Ifoundthemdownto7/8Iwasnotseriouslyalarmed,butfeltthatitwasduetosomelittlelocaltrouble(asthatthemanagerhadfallendownthemainshaftandwaspreventingthegoldbeingshotoutproperly),and

that,whentheobstructionhadbeenremoved,Jaguarswouldgoupto1again.

Buttheydidn't.Theycontinuedtosubside.Whentheyhadsubsidedto1/2Iwokeup.Mydreamoffinancialglorywasover.IhadlostmymoneyandmyfaithintheCity;well,letthemgo.WithaneffortIwashedJaguarsoutofmymind.Henceforwardtheywerenothingtome.

Andthen,monthsafter,Andrewcameonthescene.Atlunchonedayhehappenedtomentionthathehadbeentalkingtohisbroker.

"Doyouoftentalktoyourbroker?"Iaskedinadmiration.Itsoundedsomagnificent.

"Often."

"Ihaven'tgotabrokertotalkto.Whenyounextchattoyours,Iwishyou'dleadtheconversationroundtoJaguarsandseewhathesays."

"Why,haveyougotsome?"

"Yes,butthey'renogood.Haveacigarette,won'tyou?"



NextmorningtomyamazementIgotatelegramfromAndrew."CangetyoutenshillingsforJaguars.Wireifyouwillsell,andhowmany."

Itwasreallyashocktome.WhenIhadaskedAndrewtomentionJaguarstohisbrokeritwassolelyinthehopeofhearingsomehumorousCitycommentontheirfutility--oneofthosecrispjestsforwhichtheStockExchangeisfamous.Ihadnoideathathisbrokermightliketobuythemfromme.

Iwiredback:"Sellfifty,quick."

Nextdayhetoldmehehadsoldthem.

"That'sallright,"Isaidcheerfully;"they'rehis.Hecanwatchthemgoupanddown.WhendoIgetmytwenty-fivepounds?"Tosavetwenty-fivepoundsfromthewreckwaswonderful.

"Notforamonth;and,ofcourse,youdon'tdeliverthesharestillthen."

"Whatdoyoumean,'delivertheshares'?"Iaskedinalarm."Ihaven'tgotthegold-minehere;it'sinAfricaorsomewhere.MustIgooutand----"

"Butyou'vegotacertificateforthem."Myheartsank.

"HaveI?"Iwhispered."GoodLord,Iwonderwhereitis."

Iwenthomeandlooked.Ilookedfortwodays;Isearcheddrawersanddesksandletter-booksandsafesandice-tanksandtrouser-presses--everyplaceinwhichacertificatemighthide.Itwasnogood.IwentbacktoAndrew.Iwascalm.

"AbouttheseJaguars,"Isaidcasually."Idon'tquiteunderstandmyposition.WhathaveIpromisedtodo?AndcantheyputmeinprisonifI

don'tdoit?"

"You'vepromisedtosellfiftyJaguarstoamancalledStevensbythemiddleofnextmonth.That'sall."

"Isee,"Isaid,andIwenthomeagain.

AndIsupposeyouseetoo.I'vegottosellfiftyJaguarstoamancalledStevensbythemiddleofnextmonth.AlthoughIreallyhavefiftyfullymaturedonesofmyown,there'snothingtoproveit,andtheyaresosuspiciousintheCitythattheywillnevertakemybareword.SoIshallhavetobuyfiftynewJaguarsforthismancalledStevens--andbuythembythemiddleofnextmonth.

AndthisiswhyIamstilleagerlywatchingthepriceofJaguars.Yesterdaytheywere5/8.Iamhopingthatbythemiddleofnextmonththeywillbedownto1/2again.ButIfinditdifficulttoremembersometimeswhichwayIwantthemtogo.Thisafternoon,forinstance,whenIsawtheyhadrisento11/16Iwasquiteexcitedforamoment;Iwentoutandboughtsomecigarsonthestrengthofit.ThenIremembered;andIcamehomeandalmostdecidedtosellthepianola.Itisveryconfusing.Youmustseehowveryconfusingitis.



THEDOUBLE

Iwashavinglunchinoneofthoseplaceswhereyoustandandeatsandwichesuntilyouaretired,andthentrytocountuphowmanyyouhavehad.Asthecharmofthesesandwichesisthattheyalltasteexactlyalike,itisdifficulttorecalleachindividualasitwentdown;onefeels,too,afterthelastsandwich,thatone'smindwouldmorewillinglydwelluponothermatters.PersonallyIdetestthewholebusiness--theplace,thesandwiches,themethodofscoring--butitisconvenientandquick,andIcannotkeepaway.OnthisafternoonIwasgivingthefoiegrasplateaturn.Iknowamanwhowillnevertouchfoiegrasbecauseofthecrueltyinvolvedinthepreparationofit.Iexcusemyselfonthegroundthatmyownsufferingsineatingthesesandwichesaremuchgreaterthanthoseofanygooseinprovidingthem.

Therewasagrey-hairedmaninthecornerwhokeptlookingatme.Iseemedtomyselftobebehavingwithsufficientpropriety,andtherewasnothinginmyclothesorappearancetoinvitecomment;forintheworkingquarterofLondonahighstandardofbeautyisnotinsistedupon.OnthenextoccasionwhenIcaughthiseyeIfrownedathim,anda

momentlaterIfoundmyselftryingtostarehimdown.AftertwominutesitwasIwhoretiredinconfusiontomyglass.

AsIpreparedtogo--fortobewatchedatmealsmakesmenervous,andleadsmesometimestoeatthecardwith"FoieGras"onitinmistakeforthesandwich--hecameuptomeandraisedhishat.

"Youmustexcuseme,sir,forstaringatyou,"hesaid,"buthasanyoneevertoldyouthatyouareexactlylikeA.E.Barrett?"

Idrewmyselfupandrestedmylefthandlightlyonmyhip.IthoughthesaidDavidGarrick.

"Theveryimageofhim,"hewenton,"whenfirstImethim."

SomethingtoldmethatinspiteofhisgreyhairhewasnottalkingofDavidGarrickafterall.

"Likewho?"Isaidinsomedisappointment.

"A.E.Barrett."

Itriedtothinkofareply,bothgracefulandwitty.TheonlyoneIcouldthinkofwas,"Oh?"

"It'sextraordinary.Ifyourhairwerejustalittlelongerthelikeness

wouldbeperfect."

Ithoughtofofferingtogoawaynowandcomebackinamonth'stime.Anyway,itwouldbeanexcuseforgoingnow.

"IfirstknewhimatCambridge,"heexplained."Wewereuptogetherinthe'seventies."

"Ah,Iwasupinthenineteenhundreds,"Isaid."Ijustmissedyouboth."



"Well,didn'ttheyevertellyouatCambridgethatyouweretheimageofA.E.Barrett?"

Itriedtothink.TheyhadtoldmelotsofthingsatCambridge,butIcouldn'trememberanytalkaboutA.E.Barrett.

"Ishouldhavethoughteveryonewouldhavenoticedit,"hesaid.

Ihadsomethinggracefulforhimthistimeallright.

"Probably,"Isaid,"thosewhowereunfortunateenoughtoknowmehadnotthehonourofknowingA.E.Barrett."

"ButeverybodyknewA.E.Barrett.You'veheardofhim,ofcourse?"

Thedreadfulmomenthadarrived.Iknewitwould.

"Ofcourse,"Isaid.

"Acharmingfellow."

"Verybrainy,"Iagreed.

"Well,justaskanyofyourartistfriendsiftheydon'tnoticethelikeness.Thenose,theeyes,theexpression--wonderful!ButImustbegoing.PerhapsIshallseeyouhereagainsomeday.Goodafternoon";andheraisedhishatandleftme.

YoucanunderstandthatIwasconsiderablydisturbed.First,whyhadIneverheardofA.E.Barrett?Secondly,whatsortoflookingfellowwashe?Thirdly,withallthistalkaboutA.E.Barrett,howevermanysandwicheshadIeaten?Thelastquestionseemedthemostimpossibletoanswer,soIsaid"eight,"tobeonthesafeside,andwentbacktowork.

IntheeveningIcalleduponPeter.Myacquaintanceoftheafternoonhad

assumedtooreadilythatIshouldallowmyselftobeonfriendlytermswithartists;butPeter'swifeillustratesbooks,andtheybothtalkinadisparagingwayofourgreatestAcademicians.

"Who,"Ibeganatonce,asIshookhands,"didIremindyouofasIcameinatthedoor?"

Peterwassilent.Mrs.Peter,feelingthatsomeanswerwascalledfor,said,"Thecat."

"No,no.NowI'llcomeinagain."Iwentoutandreturneddramatically."Nowthen,tellmefrankly,doesn'tthatremindyouofA.E.Barrettenteringhisstudio?"

"WhoisA.E.Barrett?"

Iwasamazedattheirignorance.

"He'sthewell-knownartist.Surelyyou'veheardofhim?"

"Iseemtoknowthename,"liedPeter."Whatdidhepaint?"

"'SunriseontheAlps,''ACorneroftheWest,''TheLongDay



Wanes'--Idon'tknow.Something.Theusualthing."

"Andareyousupposedtobelikehim?"

"Iam.Particularlywheneatingsandwiches."

"Isitworthwhilegettingyousome,inordertoobservethelikeness?"askedMrs.Peter.

"Ifyou'veneverseenA.E.BarrettIfearyou'dmissthelikeness,eveninthemostfavourablecircumstances.Anyhow,youmusthaveheardofhim--dearoldA.E.!"

Theywereutterlyignorantofhim,soIsatdownandtoldthemwhatIknew;which,putshortly,wasthathewasaveryremarkable-lookingfellow.

.....

Ihavenotbeentothesandwich-placesince.DetestingthesandwichesasIdo,IfindA.E.Barrettagoodexcuseforkeepingaway.For,uponthedayafterthatwhenhecameintomylife,Ihadasuddencoldfearthatthethingwasaplant.How,inwhatway,Icannotimagine.ThatIamtobesoldaGuidetoCambridgeatthenextmeeting;thatanA.E.

Barretthair-restorerisabouttobeplacedonthemarket;thatanofferwillbemadetoenlargemyphotograph(orBarrett's)freeofchargeifIbuytheframe--no,Icannotthinkwhatitcanbe.

Yet,afterall,whyshoulditbeaplant?WeBarrettsarenotthesortofmentobemixedupwithfraud.ImpetuoustheBarretttypemaybe,obstinate,jealous--somuchyouseeinourfeatures.Butdishonest?Never!

Still,asIdidhonestlydetestthoselasteightsandwiches,Ishallstayaway.

ABREATHOFLIFE

Thisisthestoryofacomedywhichnearlybecameatragedy.Initswayitisratherapatheticstory.

ThecomedywascalledTheWooingofWinifred.ItwaswrittenbyanauthorwhosenameIforget;producedbythewell-knownand(ashispress-agenthasoftentoldus)popularactor-manager,Mr.Levinski;andplayedby(amongothers)thatverycharmingyoungman,ProsperVane--knownlocallyasAlfredBriggsuntilhetooktothestage.Prosper

playedtheyounghero,DickSeaton,whowasactuallywooingWinifred.Mr.Levinskihimselftookthepartofamiddle-agedmanoftheworldwithaslightembonpoint;downintheprogrammeasSirGeoffreyThrossellbutfortunatelystillMr.Levinski.Hisopeningwords,ashecameon,were,"Ah,Dick,Ihaveanoteforyousomewhere,"whichgavetheaudienceanintervalinwhichtowelcomehim,whilehefeltinallhispocketsfortheletter.Onecanbowquiteeasilywhilefeelinginone'spockets,anditismuchmorenaturalthanstoppinginthemiddleofanimportantspeechinordertoacknowledgeanycheers.Therealizationofthis,byadramatist,iswhatiscalled"stagecraft."



Inthiscasetheaudiencecouldtellatoncethatthe"technique"oftheauthor(whosenameunfortunatelyIforget)wasgoingtobeallright.

ButperhapsIhadbetterdescribethewholeplayasshortlyaspossible.Thetheme--asoneguessedfromthetitle,evenbeforethecurtainrose--wasthewooingofWinifred.IntheFirstActDickproposedtoWinifredandwasrefusedbyher,notfromlackoflove,butforfearlestshemightspoilhiscareer,hebeingoneofthosebig-heartedmenwithahip-pockettowhomtheopenspacesoftheworldcallloudly;whereuponMr.LevinskitookWinifredononesideandtoldtheaudiencehow,whenhehadbeenayoungman,somegoodwomanhadrefusedhimforasimilarreasonandhadbeenmiserableeversince.AccordinglyintheSecondActWinifredwithdrewherrefusalandofferedtomarryDick,whodeclinedtotakeadvantageofherofferforfearthatshewaswillingtomarryhimfrompityratherthanfromlove;whereuponMr.LevinskitookDickononesideandtoldtheaudiencehow,whenhehadbeenayoungman,hehadrefusedtomarrysomegoodwoman(adifferentone)forasimilarreason,andhadbeenbroken-heartedeverafterwards.IntheThirdActitreallyseemedasthoughtheywerecomingtogetheratlast;foratthebeginningofitMr.Levinskitookthembothasideandtoldtheaudienceaparableaboutabutterflyandasnap-dragon,whichwasbothprettyandhelpful,andcausedseveralmiddle-agedladiesinthefirstandsecondrowsoftheuppercircletosay,"WhatanicemanMr.Levinskimustbeathome,dear!"--thepurport

oftheallegorybeingtoshowthatbothDickandWinifredwerebeingverysilly,asindeedbythistimeeverybodybuttheauthorwasaware.UnfortunatelyatthatmomentafootmanenteredwithatelegramforMissWinifred,whichannouncedthatshehadbeenleftfiftythousandpoundsbyadeaduncleinAustralia;and,althoughMr.LevinskiseizedthisfreshopportunitytotelltheaudiencehowinsimilarcircumstancesPride,tohislastingremorse,hadkepthimandsomegoodwoman(athirdone)apart,neverthelessDickheldbackoncemore,forfearlestheshouldbethoughttobemarryingherforhermoney.Thecurtaincomesdownashesays,"Good-bye...goodber-eye."ButthereisaFourthAct,andintheFourthActMr.Levinskihasasplendidtime.Hetellstheaudiencetwoparables--oneaboutadahliaandasheep,whichIcouldn'tquitefollow--andthreereminiscencesoflifeinIndia;he

bringstogetherfinallyandforeverthesehesitatinglovers;and,bestofall,hehasamagnificentlove-sceneofhisownwithaprettywidow,inwhichwesee,forthefirsttimeintheplay,howloveshouldreallybemade--notboy-and-girlpretty-prettylove,butthedeepemotionfelt(andwithoccasionallapsesofmemoryexplained)byamiddle-agedmanwithaslightembonpointwhohasknockedabouttheworldabitandknowslife.Mr.Levinski,Ineednotsay,wasathisbestinthisAct.

.....

ImetProsperVaneattheclubsometendaysbeforethefirstnight,andaskedhimhowrehearsalsweregoing.

"Oh,allright,"hesaid."Butit'sarottenplay.I'vegotsuchadashedsillypart."

"Fromwhatyoutoldme,"Isaid,"itsoundedrathergood."

"It'ssodashedunnatural.ForthreewholeactsthisgirlandIareinlovewitheachother,andweknowwe'reinlovewitheachother,andyetwesimplyfoolabout.She'sadashedprettygirl,too,myboy.InreallifeI'djollysoon----"



"MydearAlfred,"Iprotested,"you'renotgoingtofallinlovewiththegirlyouhavetofallinlovewithonthestage?Ithoughtactorsneverdidthat."

"Theydosometimes;it'sadashedgoodadvertisement.Anyway,it'sasillypart,andI'mfedupwithit."

"Yes,butdobereasonable.IfDickgotengagedatoncetoWinifredwhatwouldhappentoLevinski?He'dhavenothingtodo."

ProsperVanegrunted.AsheseemeddisinclinedforfurtherconversationIlefthim.

.....

Theopeningnightcame,andtheusualdistinguishedandfashionableaudience(includingmyself),suchashabituallyattendsMr.Levinski'sfirstnights,settleddowntoenjoyitself.Twoactswentwell.AttheendofeachMr.Levinskicamebeforethecurtainandbowedtous,andwehadthehonourofclappinghimloudandlong.ThentheThirdActbegan....

NowthisishowtheThirdActends:--

ExitSirGeoffrey.Winifred(breakingthesilence).Dick,youheardwhathesaid.Don'tletthissillymoneycomebetweenus.IhavetoldyouIloveyou,dear.Won'tyou--won'tyouspeaktome?

Dick.Winifred,I----(Hegetsupandwalksroundtheroom,hisbrowknotted,hisrightfistoccasionallystrikinghisleftpalm.Finallyhecomestoastandinfrontofher.)Winifred,I----(Heraiseshisarmsslowlyatrightanglestohisbodyandletsthemfallheavilydownagain.)Ican't.(Inalow,hoarsevoice)I--can't!(Hestandsforamomentwithbenthead;thenwithajerkhepullshimselftogether.)Good-bye!(Hishandsgoouttoher,

buthedrawsthembackasiffrightenedtotouchher.Nobly)Goodber-eye.

[Hesquareshisshouldersandstandslookingattheaudiencewithhischinintheair;thenwithashrugofutterdespair,whichwouldbringtearsintotheeyesofanyyoungthinginthepit,heturnsandwithbentheadwalksslowlyout.

CURTAIN.

ThatishowtheThirdActends.Iwenttothedressrehearsal,andsoIknow.

HowtheaccidenthappenedIdonotknow.IsupposeProsperwasnervous;Iamsurehewasverymuchinlove.Anyhow,thisishow,onthatfamousfirstnight,theThirdActended:--

ExitSirGeoffrey.

Winifred(breakingthesilence).Dick,youheardwhathesaid.Don'tletthissillymoneycomebetweenus.IhavetoldyouIloveyou,dear.Won'tyou--won'tyouspeaktome?



Dick(jumpingup).Winifred,I----(withagreatgulp)ILOVEYOU!!!

Whereuponhepickedherupinhisarmsandcarriedhertriumphantlyoffthestage...andafteralittlenaturalhesitationthecurtaincamedown.

.....

Behindthescenesallwasconsternation.Mr.Levinski(absolutelyfurious)hadahastyconsultationwiththeauthor(alsofurious),inthecourseofwhichtheybothsawthattheFourthActaswrittenwasnowanimpossibility.PoorProsper,whohadalmostimmediatelyrecoveredhissanity,tremblinglysuggestedthatMr.Levinskishouldannouncethat,owingtothesuddenillnessofMr.Vane,theFourthActcouldnotbegiven.Mr.Levinskiwaskindenoughtoconsiderthissuggestionnotentirelystupid;hisownideahavingbeen(veryregretfully)toleaveoutthetwoparablesandthreereminiscencesfromIndiaandconcentrateonthelove-scenewiththewidow.

"Yes,yes,"hesaid."Yourplanisbetter.Iwillsayyouareill.Itistrue;youaremad.To-morrowwewillplayitasitwaswritten."

"Youcan't,"saidtheauthorgloomily."Thecriticswon'tcometillthe

FourthAct,andthey'llassumethattheThirdActendedasitdidto-night.TheFourthActwillseemallnonsensetothem."

"True.AndIwassogood,somuchmyself,inthatAct."HeturnedtoProsper."You--fool!"

"Orthere'sanotherway,"begantheauthor."Wemight----"

Andthenagentlemaninthegallerysettleditfromthefrontofthecurtain.Therewasnothingintheprogrammetoshowthattheplaywasinfouracts."TheTimeisthepresentdayandtheSceneisinSirGeoffreyThrossell'stown-house,"wasallitsaid.Andthegentlemaninthegallery,thinkingitwasallover,andbeingpleasedwiththeplayand

particularlywiththerealismofthelastmomentofit,shouted"Author!"Andsuddenlyeverybodyelsecried"Author!Author!"Theplaywasended.

.....

Isaidthatthiswasthestoryofacomedywhichnearlybecameatragedy.Butitturnedouttobenotragedyatall.InthethreeactstowhichProsperVanehadcondemnedittheplayappealedtobothcriticsandpublic;fortheFourthAct(asherecognisedsoclearly)wasunnecessary,andwouldhavespoiltthebalanceofitentirely.Bestofall,theshorteningoftheplaydemandedthatsomeentertainmentshouldbeprovidedinfrontofit,andthisenabledMr.Levinskitointroduce

tothepublicProfessorWollabollacollaandPrincessCollabollawolla,thefamousexponentsoftheBongo-Bongo,thatfascinatingCentralAfricanwardancewhichwassoontobetherageofsociety.Butthough,asaresult,thetakingsoftheBoxOfficesurpassedallMr.Levinski'spreviousrecords,ourfriendProsperVanereceivednopracticalacknowledgmentofhisservices.HehadtobecontentwiththehandandheartoftheladywhoplayedWinifred,andthefactthatMr.Levinskiwasgoodenoughtoattendthewedding.Therewas,infact,aphotographinallthepapersofMr.Levinskidoingit.



"UNDERENTIRELYNEWMANAGEMENT"

IknowafoolofadogwhopretendsthatheisaCockerSpaniel,andisconvincedthattheworldrevolvesroundhimwonderingly.Thesunrisessoitmayshineonhisglossymorningcoat;itsetssohismastermayknowthatitistimefortheeveningbiscuit;iftherainfallsitisthatafoolofadogmaywipeonhismistress'sskirthismuddyboots.Hisdayisalwaysexciting,alwaysfullofthesamegoodthings;hisnightarepetitionofhisday,moregloriouslydeveloped.Iftherebeasacredmomentbeforethedawnwhenheliesawakeandpondersonlife,hetellshimselfconfidentlythatitwillgoonforeverlikethis--alifeplannednoblyforhimself,butoneinwhichthemasterandmistresswhomheprotectsmustalwaysfindaplace.AndIthinkperhapshewouldwantaplaceforme,too,inthatlife,whoamnothisrealmasterbutyetoneofthehouse.Ihopehewould.

WhatChumdoesn'tknowisthis:hismasterandmistressareleavinghim.Theyaregoingtoapartoftheworldwhereafoolofadogwithnomannersisanuisance.IfChumcouldseeallthegoodlittleLondondogs,whoathomesitlanguidlyontheirmistress'slap,andabroadtake

theirviewoflifethroughamuffmuchbiggerthanthemselves;ifhecouldseethebigobedientdogswhowalksolemnlythroughtheParkcarryingtheirmaster'sstick,neverpausingintheirimpressivemarchunlessitbetoplungeintotheSerpentineandrescueadrowningchild,hewouldknowwhatImean.Hewouldadmitthatadogwhocannotanswertohisownnameandpaysbutlittlemoreattentionto"Down,idiot,"and"Comehere,fool,"isnoteveryplace'sdog.Hewouldadmitit,ifhehadtime.ButbeforeIcouldhavecalledhisattentiontohalfthegooddogsIhadmarkedouthewouldhavesatdownbeaminginfrontofamotor-car...andthenhewouldneverhaveknownwhatnowhewillknowsosoon--thathismasterandmistressareleavinghim.

Ithasbeenmybusinesstofindanewhomeforhim.Thisisharderthan

youthink.Icanmakehimsoundlovable,butIcannotmakehimsoundgood.Ofcourse,Imightleaveouthisdoubtfulqualities,anddescribehimmerelyasbeautifulandaffectionate;Imight...butIcouldn't.IthinkChum'shabitualsmilewouldgetlarger,hewouldwriggletheendofhimselfmoreecstaticallythaneverifheheardhimselfsummedupasbeautifulandaffectionate.Anyway,Icouldn'tdoit,forIgetcarriedawaywhenIspeakofhimandIrevealallhisbadqualities.

"Iamafraidheisasnob,"IconfessedtoonewomanofwhomIhadhopes."Hedoesn'tmuchcareforwhathecallsthelowerclasses."

"Oh?"shesaid.

"Yes,hehatesbadlydressedpeople.Corduroytrouserstiedupatthekneealwaysexcitehim.Idon'tknowifanyofyourfamily--no,Isupposenot.Butifheeverseesamanwithhistrouserstiedupatthekneehegoesforhim.Andhecan'tbeartradespeople;atleastnotthemen.Washerwomenheloves.Heratherlikesthewashing-baskettoo.Once,whenhewasleftalonewithitforamoment,heappearedshortlyafterwardsonthelawnwithapairof--well,Imeanhehadnobusinesswiththematall.Wegotthemawayafterabitofachase,andthentheyhadtogotothewashagain.Itseemedratherapitywhenthey'donlyjustcomeback.Ofcourse,Ismackedhisheadforhim;buthelooksso



surprisedandreproachfulwhenhe'sdonewrongthatyouneverfeelit'squitehisfault."

"IdoubtifIshallbeabletotakehimafterall,"shesaid."I'vejustremembered----"

Iforgetwhatitwassheremembered,butitmeantthatIwasstillwithoutanewhomeforChum.

"Whatdoesheeat?"somebodyelseaskedme.Itseemedhopeful;IcouldseeChumalreadyinstalled.

"Officially,"Isaid,"helivesonpuppybiscuits;healsohasthetoast-crustsafterbreakfastandanoccasionalbone.Privately,heisfondofbees.Ihaveseenhimeatasmanyassixbeesinanafternoon.Sometimeshewandersdowntothekitchen-gardenandpicksthegooseberries;helikesallfruit,butgooseberriesarethethingshecanreachbest.Whentherearen'tanygooseberriesabouthehastobecontentwiththehipsandhawsfromtherose-trees.Butreallyyouneedn'tbother,hecaneatanything.Theonlythinghedoesn'tlikeiswhitening.Wewerejustgoingtomarkthelawnoneday,andwhilewewerebusypeggingitouthewanderedupanddrankthewhiteningoutofthemarker.Itispracticallytheonlydisappointmenthehaseverhad.Helookedatus,andyoucouldseethathisopinionofushadgonedown.

'Whatdidyouputittherefor,ifyoudidn'tmeanmetodrinkit?'hesaidreproachfully.Thenheturnedandwalkedslowlyandthoughtfullybacktohiskennel.Henevercameouttillnextmorning."

"Really?"saidmyman."Well,Ishallhavetothinkaboutit.I'llletyouknow."

Ofcourse,Iknewwhathemeant.

Withathirddog-lovertowhomIspokethenegotiationscametogrief,notapparentlybecauseofanyfaultofChum's,butbecause,ifyouwillbelieveit,ofmyshortcomings.AtleastIcansupposenothingelse.Forthismanhadbeenenthusiasticabouthim.Hehadrevelledinthetaleof

Chum'swickedness;hehadadoredhimforbeingsoconceited.Hehadpracticallysaidthathewouldtakehim.

"Do,"Ibegged."I'msurehe'dbehappywithyou.Yousee,he'snoteverybody'sdog;Imean,Idon'twantanyoddmanwhomIdon'tknowtotakehim.Itmustbeafriendofmine,sothatIshalloftenbeabletoseeChumafterwards."

"Sothat--what?"heaskedanxiously.

"SothatIshalloftenbeabletoseeChumafterwards.Week-ends,youknow,andsoon.Icouldn'tbeartolosethesillyoldassaltogether."

Helookedthoughtful;and,whenIwentontospeakaboutChum'sfondnessforchickens,andhisotherlovableways,hechangedthesubjectaltogether.Hewroteafterwardsthathewassorryhecouldn'tmanagewithathirddog.AndIliketothinkhewasnotafraidofChum--butonlyofme.

ButIhavefoundtherightmanatlast.AdaywillcomesoonwhenIshalltakeChumfromhispresenthometohisnewone.Thatwillbeagreatdayforhim.Icanseehiminthetrain,wipinghisbootseffusivelyoneverynewpassenger,wrigglingundertheseatandout



againfromsheerjoyoflife;Icanseehiminthetaxi,takinghisonebriefimpressionofaworldthatmeansnothingtohim;Icanseehiminanothertrain,joyous,eager,puttinghispawsonmycollarfromtimetotimeandsayingexcitedly,"Whatadaythisis!"Andifhesurvivesthejourney;ifIcankeephimonthewayfromallthedelightfuldeathshelongstotry;ifIcangethimsafelytohisnewhouse,thenIcanseehim----

Well,Iwonder.Whatwilltheydotohim?WhenIseehimagain,willhebeasoberlittledog,answeringtohisname,carefultokeephismuddyfeetoffthevisitor'strousers,grownup,obedient,followingtoheelroundthegarden,thefaithfulservantofhismaster?Orwillhebethesameoldsillyass,nousetoanybody,alwaysdirty,alwayssmiling,alwaysintheway,aclumsy,blunderingfoolofadogwhoknowsyoucan'thelplovinghim?Iwonder....

Betweenourselves,Idon'tthinktheycanalterhimnow....Oh,Ihopetheycan't.

AFAREWELLTOUR

ThisispositivelyChum'slastappearanceinprint--forhisownsakenolessthanforyours.Heisconceitedenoughasitis,butifoncehegottoknowthatpeoplearealwayswritingabouthiminbookshisswaggerwouldbeunbearable.However,Ihavesaidgood-byetohimnow;Ihavenolongeranyrightsinhim.YesterdayIsawhimofftohisnewhome,andwhenwemeetagainitwillbeonadifferentfooting."Isthatyourdog?"Ishallsaytohismaster."Whatishe?ACocker?Jollylittlefellows,aren'tthey?Ihadonemyselfonce."

AsChumrefusedtodothejourneyacrossLondonbyhimself,ImethimatLiverpoolStreet.Hecameupinacrate;theworldmusthaveseemedverysmalltohimontheway."Hallo,oldass,"Isaidtohimthroughthe

bars,andinthelittlespacetheygavehimhewriggledhisbodywithdelight."ThankHeaventhere'soneof'emalive,"hesaid.

"Ithinkthisismydog,"Isaidtotheguard,andItoldhimmyname.

Heaskedformycard.

"I'mafraidIhaven'tonewithme,"Iexplained.Whenpolicementouchmeontheshoulderandaskmetogoquietly;whenIdragoldgentlemenfromunderneathmotor-'buses,andtheydecidetoadoptmeonthespot;onalltheimportantoccasionswhenonereallywantsacard,Ineverhaveonewithme.

"Can'tgivehimupwithoutproofofidentity,"saidtheguard,andChumgrinnedattheideaofbeingthoughtsovaluable.

Ifeltinmypocketsforletters.Therewasonlyone,butitofferedtolendmeÂ£10,000onmynoteofhandalone.Itwasaddressedto"DearSir,"andthoughIpointedouttotheguardthatIwasthe"Sir,"hestillkepttightholdofChum.StrangethatonemanshouldbepreparedtotrustmewithÂ£10,000,andanothershouldbesocharyofconfidingtomeasmallblackspaniel.



"TellthegentlemanwhoIam,"Isaidimploringlythroughthebars."Showhimyouknowme."

"He'sreallyallright,"saidChum,lookingattheguardwithhisgreathonestbrowneyes."He'sbeenwithusforyears."

AndthenIhadaninspiration.Iturneddowntheinsidepocketofmycoat;andthere,stitchedintoit,wasthelabelofmytailorwithmynamewrittenonit.Ihadoftenwonderedwhytailorsdidthis;obviouslytheyknowhowstupidguardscanbe.

"Isupposethat'sallright,"saidtheguardreluctantly.Ofcourse,Imighthavestolenthecoat.Iseehispoint.

"You--youwouldn'tlikeanicepacking-caseforyourself?"Isaidtimidly."Yousee,IthoughtI'dputChumonthelead.I'vegottotakehimtoPaddington,andhemustbetiredofhisshellbynow.Itisn'tasifhewerereallyanarmadillo."

Theguardthoughthewouldlikeashillingandanicepacking-case.Wood,heagreed,wasalwayswood,particularlyinwinter,butthereweretimeswhenyouwerenotreadyforit.

"Howareyoutakinghim?"heasked,gettingtoworkwithachisel.

"Underground?""Underground?"Icriedinhorror."TakeChumontheUnderground?Take----Haveyouevertakenalargeliveconger-eelontheendofastringintoacrowdedcarriage?"

Theguardneverhad.

"Well,don't.Takehiminataxiinstead.Don'twastehimonotherpeople."

Thecrateyawnedslowly,andChumemergedalloverstraw.Wehadananxiousmoment,butthetwoofusgothimdownandputtheleadonhim.

ThenChumandIwentoffforataxi.

"Hooray,"saidChum,wrigglingallover,"isn'tthissplendid?Isay,whichwayareyougoing?I'mgoingthisway?...No,Imeantheotherway."

Somebodyhadleftsomeofhismilk-cansontheplatform.Threetimeswewentroundoneinoppositedirectionsandunwoundourselvesthewrongway.ThenIhauledhimin,tookhimstrugglinginmyarmsandgotintoacab.

ThejourneytoPaddingtonwasfullofinterest.ForawholeminuteChumstoodquietlyontheseat,restedhisfore-pawsontheopenwindowand

drankinLondon.Thenhejumpeddownandwentmad.Hetriedtohangmewiththelead,andtheninremorsetriedtohanghimself.Hemadeadashforthelittlewindowattheback;misseditanddivedoutofthewindowattheside;washauledbackandkissedmeecstaticallyintheeyewithhissharpesttooth...."AndIthoughttheworldwasatanend,"hesaid,"andtherewerenomorepeople.Oh,Iamanass.Isay,didyounoticeI'dhadmyhaircut?Howdoyoulikemynewtrousers?Imustshowyouthem."Hejumpedontomylap."No,Ithinkyou'llseethembetterontheground,"hesaid,andjumpeddownagain."Orno,perhapsyouwouldgetabetterviewif----"hejumpeduphastily,"andyetIdon't



know----"hediveddown,"though,ofcourse,ifyou----Ohlor!thisisaday,"andheputbothpawslovinglyonmycollar.

Suddenlyhewasquietagain.Thestillness,theabsenceofstorminthetaxiwassounnaturalthatIbegantomissit."Buckup,oldfool,"Isaid,buthesatmotionlessbymyside,plungedinthought.Itriedtocheerhimup.IpointedoutKing'sCrosstohim;hewouldn'tevenbarkatit.IcalledhisattentiontotheposteroutsidetheEustonTheatreofTheTwoBiffs;foralltheregardheshowedhemightneverevenhaveheardofthem.ThemonumentalmasonrybyPortlandRoadfailedtouplifthim.

AtBakerStreethewokeupandgrinnedcheerily."It'sallright,"hesaid,"Iwastryingtorememberwhathappenedtomethismorning--somethingrathermiserable,Ithought,butIcan'tgetholdofit.However,it'sallrightnow.Howareyou?"Andhewentmadagain.

AtPaddingtonIboughtalabelatthebookstallandwroteitforhim.Hewentroundandroundmyleglookingforme."Funnything,"hesaidashebegantounwind,"hewashereamomentago.I'lljustgoroundoncemore.Iratherthink...Ow!Oh,thereyouare!"Isteppedoffhim,unravelledtheleadanddraggedhimtotheParcelsOffice.

"Iwanttosendthisbythetwoo'clocktrain,"Isaidtothemanthe

othersideofthecounter."Sendwhat?"hesaid.

Ilookeddown.Chumwasmakinghimselfverysmallandblackintheshadowofthecounter.Hewascompletelyhiddenfromthesightofanybodytheothersideofit.

"Comeout,"Isaid,"andshowyourself."

"Notmuch,"hesaid."Aparcel!I'mnotgoingtobeajollyoldparcelforanybody."

"It'sonlyawayofspeaking,"Ipleaded."Actuallyyouaretravellingasasmallblackgentleman.Youwillgowiththeguard--adelightfulman."

Chumcameoutreluctantly.Theclerkleantoverthecounterandmanagedtoseehim.

"Accordingtoourregulations,"hesaid,andIalwaysdislikepeoplewhobeginlikethat,"hehastobeonachain.Aleatherleadwon'tdo."

Chumsmiledalloverhimself.Idon'tknowwhichpleasedhimmore--thesuggestionthathewasaverylargeandfiercedog,ortheimpossibilitynowofhistravellingwiththeguard,delightfulmanthoughhemightbe.

Hegavehimselfashakeandstartedforthedoor.

"Tut,tut,it'sagreatdisappointmenttome,"hesaid,tryingtolookdisappointed,buthisbackwouldwriggle."Thischainbusiness--sillyofusnottohaveknown--well,well,weshallbewiseranothertime.Nowlet'sgohome."

PooroldChum;Ihadknown.FromalargecoatpocketIproducedachain.



"Dashit,"saidChum,lookingupatmepathetically,"youmightalmostwanttogetridofme."

Hewaschained,andthelabeltiedontohim.Forgivemethatlabel,Chum;Ithinkthatwastheworstoffenceofall.AndwhyshouldIlabelonewhowasspeakingsoeloquentlyforhimself;whosaidfromthetipofhislittleblacknosetotheendofhisstumpyblacktail,"I'masillyoldass,butthere'snothingwronginme,andthey'resendingmeaway!"Butaccordingtotheregulations--onemustobeytheregulations,Chum.

Igavehimtotheguard--adelightfulman.TheguardandIchainedhimtoabrakeorsomething.Thentheguardwentaway,andChumandIhadalittletalk....

Afterthatthetrainwentoff.

Good-bye,littledog.

THETRUTHABOUTHOMERAILS

Imagineus,ifyoucan,sittingoneoneachsideofthefire,Iwithmyfeetonthemantelpiece,Margerycurledupinthebluearm-chair,bothofusintentonthemorningpaper.Tome,bygoodchance,hasfallenthesportingpage;toMargerytheforeign,political,andfinancialintelligenceoftheday.

"What,"saidMargery,"doesitmeanwhenitsays----"Shestoppedandspeltitovertoherselfagain.

Iputdownmypieceofthepaperandpreparedtoexplain.Thedesireforknowledgeintheyoungcannotbetoostronglyencouraged,andIhavealwaysflatteredmyselfthatIcanexplaininperfectlysimplelanguageanythingwhichachildwantstoknow.Forinstance,IoncetoldMargery

what"MiniatureRifleShooting"meant;itwasahead-linewhichshehadcomeacrossinherpaper.Theexplanationtooksometime,owingtoMargery'spreconceivedideathatabirdenteredintoitsomewhere;severaltimes,whenIthoughtthelessonwasover,shesaid,"Well,whataboutthebird?"ButIthinkImadeitplaintoherintheend,thoughmaybeshehasforgottenaboutitnow.

"What,"saidMargery,"doesitmeanwhenitsays'HomeRailsFirm'?"

Itookupmypaperagain.TheCambridgefifteen,Iwasgladtosee,wererapidlydevelopingintoafirst-classteam,and----

"'HomeRailsFirm,'"repeatedMargery,andlookedupatme.

Mymindworkedrapidly,asitalwaysdoesinacrisis.

"Whatdidyousay?"Iaskedinsurprise.

"Whatdoes'HomeRailsFirm'mean?"

"Wheredoesitsaythat?"Iwenton,stillthinkingatlightningspeed.

"There.Itsaidityesterdaytoo."



"Ah,yes."Imadeupmymind."Well,that,"Isaid--"Ithinkthatissomethingyoumustaskyourfather."

"Ididaskhimyesterday."

"Well,then----"

"HetoldmetoaskMummy."

Coward!

"Youcanbesure,"Isaidfirmly,"thatwhatMummytoldyouwouldberight,"andIreturnedtomypaper.

"Mummytoldmetowaittillyoucame."

Really,theseparents!Thewaytheyshirktheirresponsibilitiesnowadaysisdisgusting.

"'HomeRailsFirm,'"saidMargery,andsettledherselftolisten.

Itisgoodthatchildrenshouldbeencouragedtotakeaninterestintheaffairsoftheday,butIdothinkthatalittlegirlmightbetaughtby

herfather(orifmoreconvenient,mother)whichpartofanewspapertoread.HadMargeryaskedmethedifferencebetweenabunkerandabanker,hadshedemandedanexplanationof"ultimatum"or"guillotine,"Icouldhavedonesomethingwithit;buttoletachildofsixfillherheadwithideasastothefirmnessorotherwiseofHomeRailsishardlynice.However,anexplanationhadtobegiven.

"Well,it'slikethis,Margery,"Isaidatlast."Supposing--well,yousee,supposing--thatistosay,ifI----"andthenIstopped.Ihadasortoffeeling--intuition,theycallit--thatIwasbeginninginthewrongway.

"Goon,"saidMargery.

"PerhapsIhadbetterputitthisway.Supposingyouwereto----Well,we'dbetterbeginfurtherbackthanthat.Youknowwhat----No,Idon'tsupposeyoudoknowthat.Well,ifI--thatistosay,whenaman--youknow,it'sratherdifficulttoexplainthis,Margery."

"Areyouexplainingitnow?"

"I'mjustgoingtobegin."

"Thankyou,Uncle."

Ilitmypipeslowly,whileIconsideredagainhowbesttoapproachthe

matter.

"'HomeRailsFirm,'"saidMargery."Isn'titafunnythingtosay?"

Itwas.Itwasaverysillythingtosay.Whoeversaiditfirstmighthaveknownwhatitwouldleadto.

"PerhapsIcanexplainitbestlikethis,Margery,"Isaid,beginningonanewtack."Isupposeyouknowwhat'firm'means?"



"Whatdoesitmean?"

"Ah,well,ifyoudon'tknowthat,"Isaid,ratherpleased,"perhapsIhadbetterexplainthatfirst.'Firm'meansthat--thatistosay,youcallathingfirmifit--well,ifitdoesn't--thatistosay,athingisfirmifitcan'tmove."

"Likeahouse?"

"Well,somethinglikethat.Thischair,forinstance,"andIputmyhandonherchair,"isfirmbecauseyoucan'tshakeit.Yousee,it'squite----Hallo,what'sthat?"

"Oh,youbadUncle,you'veknockedthecastoroffagain,"criedMargery,greatlyexcitedattheincident.

"Thisistoomuch,"Isaidbitterly."Eventhefurnitureisagainstme."

"Goonexplaining,"saidMargery,rockingherselfinthenowwobblychair.

Idecidedtoleave"firm."Itisnotaneasywordtoexplainatthebestoftimes,andwheneverythingyoutouchgoesandbreaksitselfitbecomesperfectlyimpossible.

"Well,somuchforthat,"Isaid."Andnowwecometo'rails.'Youknowwhatrailsare?"

"LikeI'vegotinthenursery?"

Thiswassplendid.Ihadforgottentheseforthemoment.

"Exactly.Therailsyourtraingoeson.Wellthen,'HomeRails'wouldberailsathome."

"Well,I'vegotthemathome,"saidMargeryinsurprise."Icouldn'thavethemanywhereelse."

"Quiteso.Then'HomeRailsFirm'wouldmeanthat--er--homerailswere--er--firm."

"Butminearen't,becausetheywobble.Youknowtheydo."

"Yes,but----"

"Well,whydotheysay'HomeRailsFirm'whentheymean'HomeRailsWobble'?"

"Ah,that'sjustit.Thepointisthatwhentheysay'HomeRailsFirm,'theydon'tmeanthattherailsthemselvesarefirm.Infact,they

don'tmeanatallwhatyouthinktheymean.Theymeansomethingquitedifferent."

"Whatdotheymean?"

"Iamjustgoingtoexplain,"Isaidstiffly.

.....

"OrperhapsIhadbetterputitthisway,"Isaidtenminuteslater.



"Supposing----Oh,Margery,itisdifficulttoexplain."

"Imustknow,"saidMargery.

"Whydoyouwanttoknowsobadly?"

"Iwanttoknowamillionmilliontimesmorethananythingelseinthewholeworld."

"Why?"

"SoasIcantellAngela,"saidMargery.

Iplungedintomyexplanationagain.Angelaisthree,andIcanquiteseehowimportantitisthatsheshouldbesoundonthequestion.

THEKING'SSONS

"Tellmeastory,"saidMargery.

"Whatsortofastory?""Afairystory,becauseit'sChristmas-time."

"Butyouknowallthefairystories."

"Thentellmeanewfairystory."

"Right,"Isaid.

OnceuponatimetherewasaKingwhohadthreesons.Theeldestsonwasaverythoughtfulyouth.Healwayshadareasonforeverythinghedid,andsometimeshewouldsaythingslike"Economicallyitistothe

advantageoftheStatethat----"or"Thecivicinterestsofthecommunitydemandthat----"beforedoingsomethingspeciallyhorrid.Hedidn'twanttobeunkindtoanybody,buthetookwhathecalleda"largeview"ofthings;andifyouhappenedtoaskforathirdhelpofplum-puddinghetookthelargeviewthatyouwouldbesorryaboutitnextmorning--andsoyoudidn'thaveyourplum-pudding.HewascalledPrinceProper.

Thesecondsonwasaverywiseyouth.Youcouldn'tcatchhimanyhow.Ifyouaskedhimwhetherheknewthestoryofthethreewells,or"Whydoesachickencrosstheroad?"oranythingreallyamusinglikethat,hewouldalwayssay,"Oh,Iheardthatyearsago!"--andwheneveryoubegan"AdamandEveandPinchme"hewouldpinchyouatoncewithout

waitinglikeagentlemanuntilyouhadgottotheendoftheverse.HewascalledPrinceClever.

Andthethirdsonwasjustwonderfullybeautiful.Hehadthemostmarvellouslypinkcheeksandlonggoldenhairthatyouhaveeverseen.Idon'tmuchcareforthatstylemyself,butinthecountryinwhichheliveditwasadmiredmorethanIcantellyou.HewascalledPrinceGoldenlocks.I'llgiveyouthreeguesseswhy.

NowtheKinghadreignedalongtime,solongthathewastiredofbeing



king,andheoftenusedtowonderwhichofhissonsoughttosucceedhim.Ofcourse,nowadaystheyneverwonder,andtheeldestsonbecomeskingatonce,andquiterighttoo;butinthosedaysitwasgenerallylefttothesonstoprovewhichamongthemselveswasthemostworthy.SometimestheywouldallbesentouttofindthemagicDragon'sTooth,andonlyonewouldcomebackalive,whichwouldsavealotoftrouble;orelse,afteralotofdiscussion,theywouldbetoldtogoandfindbeautifulPrincessesforthemselves,andtheonewhichbroughtbackthemostbeautifulPrincess--butveryoftenthatwouldleadtoanotherdiscussion.ThebestwayofallwastocallinaFairytohelp.AFairyhasallsortsoftricksforfindingoutaboutyou,andherfavouriteplanistopretendtobesomethingelseandseewhatyoudo.

SotheKingcalledinaFairyandsaid,"To-morrowIamsendingoutmythreesonsintotheworldtoseektheirfortune.Iwantyoutotestthemformeandfindoutwhichisthemostfittedtosucceedtomythrone.IfitshouldhappentobePrinceGoldenlocks--but,ofcourse,Idon'twanttoinfluenceyouinanyway."

"Leaveittome,"saidtheFairy."Youagree,nodoubt,thatthequalitymostdesirableinakingisloveandkindliness----"

"Y-yes,"saidtheKingdoubtfully.

"Iwassureofit.Well,Ihaveawayofputtingthisqualitytothetestwhichhasneveryetfailed."Andwiththatshevanished.Shecouldhavegoneoutatthedoorquiteeasily,butshepreferredtovanish.

Iexpectyouknowwhatherwaywas.Youhavereadaboutitofteninyourfairybooks.Onthenextday,asPrinceProperwascomingalongtheroad,sheappearedsuddenlyinfrontofhimintheshapeofapooroldwoman.

"Pleasegivemesomethingtobuyacrustofbread,prettygentleman,"shepleaded."I'mstarving."

PrinceProperlookedathersternly.

"Economically,"hesaid,"itistotheadvantageoftheStatethatthesubmergedclassesshouldbeachargeontheStateitselfandnotonindividuals.Thecivicinterestsofthecommunitydemandthatpromiscuouscharityshouldbesternlydiscouraged.Surelyyouseethatforyourself?"

TheFairydidn'tquite.Thelanguagehadtakenherbysurprise.Inallherpreviousadventuresofthiskind,twooftheyoungPrinceshadrefusedherroughly,andthethirdhadsharedhislastpieceofbreadwithher.Thisadventurewasgoingallwrong.

"Letmeexplainittoyoumorefully,"wentonProper,andforanhour

andtwenty-sevenminuteshedidso.Thenhewentonhisway,leavingadazedFairybehindhim.

ByandbyPrinceClevercamealong.Suddenlyhesawapooroldwomaninfrontofhim.

"Pleasegivemesomethingtobuyacrustofbread,"shepleaded."I'mstarving."

PrinceCleverburstintoaroaroflaughter.



"Youdon'tcatchme,"hesaid."I'vereadaboutthisahundredtimes.You'renotanoldwomanatall;you'reaFairy."

"W-whatdoyoumean?"shestammered.

"ThisisasillytestofFather's.Well,youcantellhimhe'sgotonesonwho'scleverenoughtoseethroughhim."Andhewentonhisway.

ByandbyPrinceGoldenlockscamealong.Ineednotsaythathedidallthatyouwouldexpectofathirdandyoungestsonwhohadpinkcheeks,longgoldenhair,and(asIoughttohavesaidbefore)averylovingnature.Hesharedhislastpieceofbreadwiththepooroldwoman....

(Surelyhewillgetthethrone!)

ButtheFairywasanhonestFairy.ShedidunderstandProper'spointofview;shehadtoadmitthat,ifCleversawthroughherdeception,itwashonourableofhimtohavesaidso.Andthough,ofcourse,herlovingheartwasallforPrinceGoldenlocks,shefeltthatitwouldnotbefairtoawardthethronetohimwithoutafurthertrial.Soshedidanotherthingthatshewasveryfondofdoing.Shechangedherselfintoaprettylittledoveand--rightinfrontofPrinceProper--sheflewwithahawkinpursuitofher."Nowweshallsee,"shesaidtoherself,"whichof

thethreeyouthshasthesoftestheart."YoucanguesswhatPropersaid.

"Life,"hesaid,"isoneconstantbattle.Nature,"hesaid,"isruthless,andtheweakestmustgotothewall.IfIkillthehawk,"hesaid,"Iamkindtothedove,butamI,"hesaid,andIthinktherewasagooddealinthis--"amIkindtothecaterpillarorwhateveritisthatthedoveeats?"Ofcourse,youknow,thereisthattobethoughtof.Anyhow,aftersoliloquizingforforty-sevenminutesPrinceProperwentonhisway;andbyandbyPrinceClevercamealong.

YoucanguesswhatCleversaid.

"Mywhiskers!"hesaid,"thisisolderthanthelast.Iknewthisinmycradle."WithoneofthosenastysarcasticlaughsthatIhatesomuchhewentonhisway;andbyandbyPrinceGoldenlockscamealong.

(Nowthen,Goldenlocks,thethroneisalmostyours!)

YoucanguesswhatGoldenlockssaid.

"Poorlittledove,"hesaid."ButIcansaveitslife."

Rapidlyhefittedanarrowtohisbowandwithcarefulaimletflyatthepursuinghawk....

IsayagainthatPrinceGoldenlockswasthemostbeautifulyouthyouhaveeverseeninyourlife,andhehadaverylovingnature.Buthewasapoorshot.

Hehitthedove....

"Isthatall?"saidMargery.

"That'sall,"Isaid."Goodnight."



DISAPPOINTMENT

MyyoungfriendBobby(nowintheearlythirteens)hasbeenmakinghisplansfortheChristmasholidays.Hecommunicatedthemtomeinaletterfromschool:--

"IamgoingtowriteanoperaintheholidayswithaboycalledShort,averygreatandconfidentfriendofminehere.IamdoingthewordsandShortisdoingthemusic.Wehavealreadygotthetitle;itiscalled'Disappointment.'"

Lastweek,onhisreturntotown,hecametoseemeatmyclub,andwhenthewaiterhadbroughtindrinks,andBobbyhadrefusedacigar,Ilightedupandpreparedtotalkshop.HisrecentdiscoverythatIwritetooleadshimtotreatmewithmorerespectthanformerly.

"Nowthen,"Isaid,"tellmeaboutit.How'sitgoingon?"

"Oo,Ihaven'tdonemuchyet,"saidBobby."ButI'vegottheplot."

"Let'shaveit."

Bobbyunfoldeditrapidly.

"Well,yousee,there'sachapcalledTommy--he'sthehero--andhe'sjustcomebackfromOxford,andhe'sawfullygood-lookinganddecentandallthat,andhe'sinlovewithFelicia,yousee,andthere'sanotherchapcalledReynolds,and,yousee,Felicia'sreallythesameasPhyllis,who'sgoingtomarrySamuel,andthat'sthedisappointment,becauseTommywantstomarryher,yousee."

"Isee.Thatoughttobeallright.Youcouldalmostgettwooperasout

ofthat."

"Oo,doyouthinkso?"

"Well,itdependshowmuchReynoldscomesin.Youdidn'ttellmewhathappenedtohim.Doeshemarryanybody?"

"Oo,no.HecomesinbecauseIwantsomebodytotelltheaudienceaboutTommywhenTommyisn'tthere."

(HowwellBobbyhascaughtthedramaticidea.)

"Isee.Heoughttobeveryuseful."

"Yousee,theFirstAct'sinaverygrandrestaurant,andTommycomesintohavedinner,andheexplainstoReynoldshowhemetFeliciaonaboat,andshe'dlostherumbrella,andhesaid,'Isthisyourumbrella?'anditwas,andtheybegantotalktoeachother,andthenhewasinlovewithher.Andthenhegoesout,andthenReynoldstellstheaudiencewhatanawfullydecentchapTommyis."

"Whydoeshegoout?"



"Well,yousee,Reynoldscouldn'ttelleverybodywhatanawfullydecentchapTommyisifTommywasthere."

(Ofcoursehecouldn't.)

"Andwhere'sFeliciaallthistime?"

"Oo,shedoesn'tcomeon:She'sinthecountrywithSamuel.Yousee,theSecondActisagrandcountrywedding,andSamuelandPhyllisaremarried,andTommyisoneoftheguests,andhe'sveryunhappy,buthetriesnottoshowit,andheshootshimself."

"Reynoldsistheretoo,Isuppose?"

"Oo,Idon'tknowyet."

(He'llhavetobe,ofcourse.He'llbewantedtotelltheaudiencehowunhappyTommyis.)

"Andhowdoesitend?"Iasked.

"Well,yousee,whenthewedding'sover,TommysingsasongaboutFelicia,anditendsup,'Felicia,Felicia,Felicia,'gettinghighereachtime--Shorthastodothatpart,ofcourse,butI'vetoldhim

aboutit--andthenthecurtaincomesdown.""Isee.AndhasShortwrittenanyofthemusicyet?"

"He'sgotsomeofthenotes.Yousee,I'veonlyjustgottheplot,andI'vewrittenabouttwopages.I'mwritingitinanexercise-book."

Ashadowpassedsuddenlyacrosstheauthor'sbrow.

"Andthesickeningthing,"hesaid,asheleantbackinhischairandsippedhisginger-beer,"isthatonthecoverofitI'vespeltDisappointmentwithtwo's's.'"

(Thetroublesofthisliterarylife!)

"Sickening,"Iagreed.

.....

Ifthereisoneformoftheftutterlyunforgivableitisthetheftbyawriterofanotherwriter'sundevelopedideas.BorrowtheplotofSirJ.M.Barrie'slastplay,andyoudohimnoharm;youonlywriteyourselfdownaplagiarist.Butlistentothescenarioofhisnextplay(ifheiskindenoughtoreadittoyou)andwriteitupbeforehehastimetodevelopithimself,andyoudohimagrievouswrong;foryoufixthechargeofplagiarismonhim.Surely,yousay,noauthorcouldsinkso

lowasthis.

Andyet,whenIgothome,theplotof"Disappointment"(withone"s")sotookholdofmethatIdidtheunforgivablething;Iwenttomydeskandwrotetheopera.Imakenoexcusesformyself.IonlypointoutthatBobby'sopera,asperformedatCoventGardeninItalian,withShort'smusicconductedbyRichter,isnotlikelytobebelittledbyanythingthatImaywritehere.IhaveonlywritteninorderthatImaygetthescenario--whichhadbeguntohauntme--offmychest.Bobby,Iknow,willunderstandandforgive;ShortIhavenotyethadthepleasureof



meeting,butIbelieveheissmallerthanBobby.

ACTI.

SCENE--Agrandrestaurant.EnterTommy,averyhandsomeman,justbackfromOxford.

Tommysings:

Felicia,Iloveyou,ByallthestarsaboveyouIswearyoushallbemine!--AndnowI'mgoingtodine.

[Hesitsdownandordersabottleofginger-beerandsomemeringues.

Waiter.Yourdinner,Sir.

Tommy.Thankyou.AndwouldyouaskMr.Reynoldstocomein,ifyouseehim?(Totheaudience)AweekagoIwascrossingtheChannel--(enterReynolds)--Oh,hereyouare,Reynolds!IwasjustsayingthataweekagoIwascrossingtheChannelwhenIsawthemostbeautifulgirlIhaveeverseenwhohadlostherumbrella.I

said,"Excuseme,butisthisyourumbrella?"Shesaid,"Yes."Reynolds,Isatdownandfellinlovewithher.HernamewasFelicia.AndnowImustgoandseeaboutsomething.[Exit.

Reynolds.PoorTommy!Anawfullydecentchapifevertherewasone.ButhewillnevermarryFelicia,becauseIhappentoknowherrealnameisPhyllis,andsheisengagedtoSamuel.

(Recitative.)

SheisengagedtoSamuel.PoorTommy,Hedoesnotknowshe'sfondofSamuel.Hewillbedisappointedwhenheknows.

CURTAIN.

ACTII.

SCENE--Abeautifulcountrywedding.

Tommy(inpewnearestdoor,toReynolds).Who'sthebride?

Reynolds.Phyllis.She'smarryingSamuel.

EnterBride.

Tommy.Heavens,it'sFelicia!

Reynolds(toaudience).PoorTommy!Howdisappointedhemustbe!(Aloud)Yes,FeliciaandPhyllisarereallythesamegirl.She'sengagedtoSamuel.

Tommy.ThenIcannotmarryher!

Reynolds.No.



Tommysings:

Good-bye,Felicia,good-bye,I'mawfullydisappointed,IAmnow,infact,abouttodie,Felicia,Felicia,Felicia!

[Shootshimself.

CURTAIN.

.....

ThatishowIseeit.ButnodoubtBobbyandShort,whentheyreallygettowork,willmakesomethingbetterofit.Itisanengagingtheme,but,ofcourse,thetitlewantstobespeltproperly.

AMONGTHEANIMALS

Jeremywaslookingatacardwhichhiswifehadjustpassedacrossthetabletohim.

"'LadyBendish.AtHome,'"heread."'Pets.'Isthisforus?"

"Ofcourse,"saidMrs.Jeremy.

"ThenIthink'Pets'isratherfamiliar.'Mr.andMrs.J.P.Smith'wouldhavebeenmorecorrect."

"Don'tbesilly,Jeremy.Itmeansit'saPetparty.Youhavetobringsomesortofpetwithyou,andthereareprizesfortheprettiest,andthemostintelligent,andthemostcompanionable,andsoon."Shelooked

atthefox-terriercurledupinfrontofthefire-place."WecouldtakeRags,ofcourse."

"OrBaby,"saidJeremy."We'llenterherintheFatClass."

ButwhenthedayarrivedJeremyhadanotheridea.Hecameinfromthegardenwithanimportantlookonhisface,andjoinedhiswifeinthehall.

"Comeon,"hesaid."Let'sstart."

"Butwhere'sRags?"

"Ragsisn'tcoming.I'mtakingHerewardinstead."Heopenedhiscigarette-caseanddisclosedasmallgreenanimal."Hereward,"hesaid.

"Why,Jeremy,"criedhiswife,"it's--why,it'sblightfromtherose-tree!"

"Itisn'tjustblight,dear;it'soneparticularblight.Ablight.Hereward,theLastoftheBlights."Hewanderedroundthehall."Where'sthelead?"heasked.



"Jeremy,don'tbeabsurd."

"Mydear,Imusthavesomethingtoleadhimupforhisprizeon.Duringtheparadehecansitonmyshoulderinformally,butwhenwecometotheprize-giving,'Mr.J.P.Smith'sblight,Hereward,'mustbeledonproperly."Hepulledopenadrawer."Oh,hereweare.I'dbettertakethechain;hemightbitethroughtheleatherone."

Theyarrivedalittlelate,tofindalawnfullofpeopleandanimals;andoneglancewassufficienttotellJeremythatinsomeoftheclassesatleasthispetwouldhavemanydangerousrivals.

"Ifthere'saprizeforthebiggest,"hesaidtohiswife,"myblighthaspracticallylostitalready.Adamshasbroughtacart-horse.Hullo,Adams,"hewenton,"howareyou?Don'tcometoocloseorHerewardmaydoyouranimalamischief."

"Who'sHereward?"

Jeremyopenedhiscigarette-case.

"Hereward,"hesaid."Notthewoodbine;that'squitewild.Theblight.He'smuchmoredomesticated,buttherearemomentswhenhegetsoutofhandandbecomesunmanageable.Hegavemetheslipcominghere,andI

hadtochasehimthroughthechurchyard;that'swhywe'relate.""Doeshetakemealswiththefamily?"askedAdamswithagrin.

"No,no;hehasthemaloneinthegarden.Yououghttoseehimhavinghisbath.George,ourgardener,looksafterhim.Georgegiveshimaspecialbathofsoapywatereveryday.Herewardsimplylovesit.Georgesquirtsonhim,andHerewardliesonhisbackandkickshislegsintheair.It'sreallyquiteprettytowatchthem."

HenoddedtoAdams,andwanderedthroughthecrowdwithMrs.Jeremy.Thecollectionofanimalswasremarkable;theyvariedinsizefromAdams'scart-horsetoJeremy'sblight;inplayfulnessfromtheVicar'skitten

toMissTrehearne'schrysalis;andinabilityforperformingtricksfromtheMajor'spoodletoDr.Bunton'seggoftheCabbageWhite.

"Thereoughttobearaceforthemall,"saidMrs.Jeremy."Ahandicap,ofcourse."

"Herewardisveryfastoverashortdistance,"saidJeremy,"buthewantsencouragement.Ifheweregivenninety-nineyards,twofeet,andeleveninchesinahundred,andyouweretostandinfrontofhimwithaWilliamAllanRichardson,Ithinkwemightpullitoff.But,ofcourse,he'sabadstarter.Hullo,there'sMissBendish."

MissBendish,hurryingalong,gavethemawordasshewentpast.

"They'regoingtohavetheinspectiondirectly,"shesaid,"andgivetheprizes.Isyouranimalquiteready?"

"Ishouldliketobrushhimupabit,"saidJeremy."IsthereatentoranywherewhereIcouldpreparehim?Hiseyebrowsgetsomattedifhe'slefttohimselfforlong."Hetookoutacigaretteandlitit.

"There'satent,butyou'llhavetohurryup."



"Oh,well,itdoesn'treallymatter,"saidJeremy,ashewalkedalongwithher."Hereward'snaturalbeautyandagilitywilltakehimthrough."

Onthesouthlawnthepetsandtheirownerswereassembling.Jeremytooktheleashoutofhispocketandopenedhiscigarette-case.

"Goodheavens!"hecried."Herewardhasescaped!Quick!Shutthegates!"HesawAdamsnearandhurrieduptohim."Myblighthasescaped,"hesaidbreathlessly,holdingupthenowuselessleash."Hegnawedthroughthechainandgotaway.I'mafraidhemayberunningamokamongtheguests.SupposingheweretoleapuponSirThomasfrombehindandsavagehim--it'stooterrible."Hemovedanxiouslyon."Haveyouseenmyblight?"heaskedMissTrehearne."Hehasescaped,andweareratheranxious.IfheweretogettheVicardownandbegintoworryhim----"Hemurmuredsomethingabout"oncegettingthetasteforblood"andhurriedoff.Theguestswereassembled,andthejudgeswalkeddownthelineandinspectedtheirdifferentanimals.TheywerealmostattheendofitwhenJeremysprintedupandtookhisplacebythelastbeast.

"It'sallright,"hepantedtohiswife,"I'vegothim.Sillyofmetomislayhim,buthe'ssoconfoundedlyshy."Heheldouthisfingerasthejudgesapproached,andintroducedthemtothesmallgreenpetperchingontheknuckle."Ablight,"hesaid."Hereward,theChiefBlight.Beeninthefamilyforyears.Adearoldfriend."

Jeremywenthomeaproudman."Mr.J.P.Smith'sblight,Hereward,"hadtakenfirstprizeintheAll-roundclass.

.....

"Yes,"headmittedtohiswifeatdinner,"thereissomethingonmymind."Helookedatthehandsomecigarette-boxonthetableinfrontofhimandsighed.

"Whatisit,dear?Youenjoyedyourselfthisafternoon,youknowyoudid,andHerewardwonyouthatbeautifulcigarette-box.Yououghttobeproud."

"That'sthetrouble.Herewarddidn'twinit."

"Buttheysaid--theyreaditout,and----"

"Yes,buttheydidn'tknow.ItwasreallyElspethwhowonit."

"Elspeth?"

"Yes,dear."Jeremysighedagain."WhenHerewardescapedandIwentbackforhim,Ididn'tfindhimasI--er--pretended.SoIwenttotherosegardenand--andborrowedElspeth.Fortunatelynoonenoticeditwasaladyblight...theyalltookitforHereward....Butitwasreally

Elspeth--andbelongedtoLadyBendish."

Hehelpedhimselftoacigarettefromthebox.

"It'saninterestingpoint,"hesaid."Ishallgoandconfessto-morrowtoSirThomas,andseewhathethinksaboutit.Ifhewantstheboxback,wellandgood."

Herefilledhisglass.



"Afterall,"hesaid,"therealblowislosingHereward.Elspeth--Elspethisverydeartome,butshecanneverbequitethesame."

ATRAGEDYOFTHESEA

WilliamBales--asniceayoungmanaseverworeacummerbundonanesplanade--wasindespair.ForhalfanhourheandMissSpratthadbeensittinginsilenceonthepier,anditwasstillWilliam'sturntosaysomething.MissSpratt'slastremarkhadbeen,"Oh,Mr.Bales,youdosaythings!"andWilliamfeltthathisnextobservationmustatallcostsliveuptothestandardsetforit.Threeorfourtimeshehadopenedhismouthtospeak,andthenonsecondthoughtshadrejectedtheintendedutteranceasunworthy.Attheendofhalfanhourhismindwasstillworkingfruitlessly.Heknewthatthelongerhewaitedthemorebrillianthewouldhavetobe,andhetoldhimselfthatevenBernardShaworoneofthosecleverwritingfellowswouldhavebeenhardputtoitnow.

Williamwasatoddswiththeworld.Hewasaromanticyoungmanwhohad

oncebeentoldthathenearlylookedlikeLewisWallerwhenhefrowned,andhehadresolvedthathisholidaythisyearshouldbeaverydashingaffairindeed.Hehadchosentheseainthehopesthatsomeoldgentlemanwouldfalloffthepierandlethimselfbesavedby--and,lateron,photographedwith--WilliamBales,whoinasubsequentinterviewwouldmodestlyrefusetotakeanycreditforthegallantrescue.Ashisholidayhadprogressedhehadfelttheneedforsomesucholdgentlemanmoreandmore;foronlythus,herealised,couldhecapturetheheartofthewaywardMissSpratt.Butsofarithadbeenadullseason;inawholefortnightnobodyhadgoneoutofhiswaytoobligeWilliam,andto-morrowhemustreturntotheCityasunknownandasunlovedaswhenheleftit.

"Gottogobackto-morrow,"hesaidatlast.Asanimpromptuitwouldhaveserved,butastheresultofhalfanhour'searnestthoughthefeltthatitdidnotdohimjustice.

"Soyousaidbefore,"remarkedMissSpratt.

"Well,it'sstilltrue."

"Talkingaboutitwon'thelpit,"saidMissSpratt.

Williamsighedandlookedroundthepier.Therewasanoldgentlemanfishingattheendofit,hisbackturnedinvitinglytoWilliam.Inhalfanhourhehadcaughtonesmallfish(whichhehadhadtoreturnas

undertheagelimit)andabunchofseaweed.Williamfeltthattherewasawastedlife;alife,however,whichasuddenkickandaheroicrescuebyW.Balesmightyetdosomethingtojustify.AtthePaddingtonBaths,amonthago,hehadwonaplate-divingcompetition;andthoughthereisadifferencebetweendivingforplatesanddivingforoldgentlemenhewaspreparedtowaiveit.Onekickandthen...Fame!And,notonlyFame,buttheadmirationofAngelinaSpratt.

Itwasperhapsaswellfortheoldgentleman--whowasreallyquiteworthy,andanhourlatercaughtafull-sizedwhiting--thatMissSpratt



spokeatthismoment.

"Well,you'regoodcompany,Imustsay,"sheobservedtoWilliam.

"It'ssohot,"saidWilliam.

"Youcan'tsayIaskedtocomehere."

"Let'sgoonthebeach,"saidWilliamdesperately."Wecanfindashadycaveorsomething."Fatewasagainsthim;therewastobenorescuethatday.

"I'msureI'magreeable,"saidMissSpratt.

Theywalkedinsilencealongthebeach,and,roundingacornerofthecliffs,theycamepresentlytoacave.InearlierdaysW.Balescouldhavedonedesperatedeedsagainstsmugglersthere,withMissSprattlookingon.Alasforthisunromanticage!Itwasnowaplaceforpicnics,andacrumpledsheetofnewspaperonthesandshowedthattherehadbeenonetherethatveryafternoon.

Theysatinacornerofthecave,outofthesun,outofsightofthesea,andWilliampreparedtorenewhiseffortsasaconversationalist.InthehopeofcollectingafewideasastowhattheLondonclubswere

talkingabouthepickedupthediscardednewspaper,andsawwithdisgustthatitwasthelocalHerald.Butjustashethrewitdown,alineinitcaughthiseyeandremainedinhismind:

"Hightideto-day--3.30."

William'sheartleapt.Helookedathiswatch;itwas2.30.Inonehourthewaveswouldbedashingremorselesslyintothecave,wouldbeleapingupthecliff,whattimeheandMissSpratt----

Supposetheywerecaughtbythetide....

Meanwhilethelady,despairingofentertainment,hadremovedherhat.

"Really,"shesaid,"I'mthatsleepy----Isupposethetide'ssafe,Mr.Bales?"

ItwasWilliam'schance.

"Quite,quitesafe,"hesaidearnestly."It'sgoingdownhard."

"Wellthen,Ialmostthink----"Sheclosedhereyes."Wakemeupwhenyou'vethoughtofsomethingreallyfunny,Mr.Bales."

WilliamwasleftalonewithRomance.

Hewentoutofthecaveandlookedround.Theseawasstillsomewayout,butitcameupquicklyonthiscoast.Inanhour...inanhour....

Hescannedthecliffs,andsawtheledgewhitherhewoulddragher.Shewouldclingtohimcrying,callinghimherrescuer....

Whatshouldhedothen?Shouldheleaveherandswimforhelp?Orshouldhescalethemightycliff?

Hereturnedtothecaveand,gazingromanticallyatthesleepingMiss



Spratt,conjuredupthescene.Itwouldgolikethis,hethought.

MissSpratt(wakenedbythespraydashingoverherface).Oh,Mr.Bales!We'recutoffbythetide!Saveme!

W.Bales(lightly).Tut-tut,there'snodanger.It'snothing.(Aside)GreatHeavens!Deathstaresusintheface!

MissSpratt(throwingherarmsaroundhisneck).William,saveme;Icannotswim!

W.Bales(withWallerface).Trustme,Angelina.Iwillfightmywayroundyonpointandobtainhelp.(Aside)AnEnglishmancanonlydieonce.

MissSpratt.Don'tleaveme!

W.Bales.Fearnot,sweetheart.See,thereisaledgewhereyouwillbebeyondthereachofthehungrytide.Iwillcarryyouthitherinmyarmsandwillthen----

Atthispointinhisday-dreamWilliamtookanotherlookatthesleepingMissSpratt,felthisbicepsdoubtfully,andwenton----

W.Bales.Iwillhelpyoutoclimbthither,andwillthenswimforhelp.

MissSpratt.Myhero!

AgainandagainWilliamreviewedthescenetohimself.Itwasperfect.Hisphotographwouldbeinthepapers;MissSprattwouldworshiphim;hewouldbeaheroinhisCityoffice.Theactualdangerwasslight,forattheworstshecouldshelterinthefarendofthecave;buthewouldnotletherknowthis.Hewoulddothethingheroically--draghertotheledgeonthecliff,andthenswimroundthepointtoobtainhelp.

Thethoughtstruckhimthathecouldconductthescenebetterinhis

shirt-sleeves.Heremovedhiscoat,andthenwentoutofthecavetoreconnoitretheledge.

.....

MissSprattawokewithastartandlookedatherwatch.Itwas4.15.Thecavewasemptysaveforacrumpledpageofnewspaper.SheglancedatthisidlyandsawthatitwasthelocalHerald...eightdaysold.

FarawayonthehorizonWilliamBaleswasthrowingstonesbitterlyatthestillretreatingsea.

OLDFRIENDS

"Itwasveryniceofyoutoinvitemetogiveyoulunch,"Isaid,"andifonlythewaiterwouldbringthetoastIshouldbeperfectlyhappy.Ican'tsaymore."

"Whynot?"saidMissMiddleton,lookingup."Oh,Isee."



"Andnow,"Isaid,whenIhadfinishedmybusinesswithasardine,"tellmeallaboutit.IknowsomethingseriousmusthavebroughtyouuptoLondon.Whatisit?Haveyourunawayfromhome?"

MissMiddletonnodded."SirHenery,"sheaddeddramatically,"waitsformeinhisyachtatDover.Myparentswouldnothearofthemarriage,andimmuredmeinthespareroom.Theytriedtoturnmeagainstmylove,andtoldwickedstoriesabouthim,vowingthathesmokedfivenon-throatcigarettesinaday.Er--wouldyoupassthepepper,please?"

"Goon,"Ibegged."Nevermindthepepper."

"But,ofcourse,Ireallycametoseeyou,"saidMissMiddletonbriskly."Iwantyoutodosomethingforme."

"Iknewit."

"Oh,dosayyou'dloveto."

Idrainedmyglassandfeltverybrave.

"I'dloveto,"Isaiddoubtfully."Atleast,ifIweresurethat----"Iloweredmyvoice:"Lookhere--haveIgottowritetoanybody?"

"No,"saidMissMiddleton.

"Letmeknowtheworst.HaveI--er--haveIgottogiveadvicetoanybody?"

"No."

Therewasoneotherpointthathadtobesettled.Ileantacrossthetableanxiously.

"HaveIgottoringanybodyuponthetelephone?"Iaskedinahoarsewhisper.

"Oh,nothinglikethatatall,"saidMissMiddleton.

"Dashit,"Icried,"thenofcourseI'lldoanythingforyou.Whatisit?Somebodyyouwantkilled?Icouldkillamayorto-day."

MissMiddletonwassilentforamomentwhileallowingherselftobehelpedtofish.Whenthewaitershadmovedaway,"Wearehavingajumblesale,"sheannounced.

Ishookmyheadather.

"Yourlife,"Isaid,"isoneconstantroundofgaiety."

"AndIthoughtasIwascomingtoLondonI'dmentionittoyou.Becauseyou'realwayssayingyoudon'tknowwhattodowithyouroldthings."

"I'mnotalwayssayingit.Imayhavementioneditonceortwicewhentheconversationwasflagging."

"Well,mentionitnow,andthenI'llmentionmyjumblesale."

Ithoughtitoverforamoment.



"Itwillmeanbrownpaperandstring,"Isaidhopelessly,"andIdon'tknowwheretogetthem."

"I'llbuysomeafterlunchforyou.YoushallholdmyhandwhileIbuyit."

"AndthenIshouldhavetopostit,andI'mrottenatpostingthings."

"Butyouneedn'tpostit,becauseyoucanmeetmeatthestationwithit,andI'lltakeithome."

"Idon'tthinkit'squiteetiquetteforayounggirltotravelalonewithabigbrown-paperparcel.WhatwouldMrs.Middletonsayifsheknew?"

"Mother?"criedMissMiddleton."But,ofcourse,it'sheridea.Youdidn'tthinkitwasmine?"shesaidreproachfully.

"Theshockofitunnervedmeforamoment.Ofcourse,IseenowthatitisMrs.Middleton'sjumblesaleentirely."Isighedandhelpedmyselftosalt."HowdoIbegin?"

"Youdrivemetomydressmakerandleavemethereandgoontoyour

rooms.Andthenyoucollectafewreallyoldthingsthatyoudon'twantandtiethemupandmeetmeatthe4.40.I'mafraid,"shesaidfrankly,"itisarottenwayofspendinganafternoon;butIpromisedmother."

"I'lldoit,"Isaid.

MyparcelandIarrivedpromptlytotime.MissMiddletondidn't.

"Don'tsayI'vecaughtthewrongtrain,"shesaidbreathlessly,whenatlastsheappeared."Itdoesgoat4.40,doesn'tit?"

"Itdoes,"Isaid,"anditdid."

"Thenmywatchmustbeslow."

"Sendittothejumblesale,"Iadvised."Lookhere--we'vealongtimetowaitforthenexttrain;let'sundressmyparcelinthewaiting-room,andI'llpointoutthethingsthatreallywantwatching.Someareabsolutelyunique."

Itwasanoddcollectionofverydearfriends,MissMiddleton'sfinalreminderhavingbeenthatnothingwastoooldforajumblesale.

"LotOne,"Isaid."Aphotographofmyhousecricketeleven,framedinoak.Veryinteresting.Theladontheextremerightisnowaclergyman."

"Oh,whichisyou?"saidMissMiddletoneagerly.

Iwastoomuchwrappedupinmyparceltoanswer."LotTwo,"Iwenton."Apink-and-whitefootballshirt;wouldworkupintoadressyblouseforadult,orasmartovercoatforchild.LotThree.Aknittedwaistcoat;couldbeusedasbath-mat.LotFour.Pairofbedroomslippersinholes.Thisbitistheslipper;therestisthehole.LotFive.Nowthisissomethingreallygood.TruthfulJane--myfirstprizeatmyKindergarten."



"Motherisinluck.It'sjustthesortofthingsshewants,"saidMissMiddleton.

"Hertasteisexcellent.LotSix.Apairofoldgreyflanneltrousers.LotSeven.LotSevenforward.Whereareyou?"Ibegantogothroughthethingsagain."Er--I'mafraidLotSevenhasalreadygone."

"WhataboutLotEight?"

"Theredoesn'tseemtobeaLotEighteither.It'sveryfunny;I'msureIstartedwithmorethanthis.Someofthethingsmusthaveeateneachotherontheway."

"Oh,butthisisheaps.Canyoureallysparethemall?"

"IshouldfeelhonouredifMrs.Middletonwouldacceptthem,"Isaidwithabow."Don'tforgettotellherthatinthephotographtheladontheextremeright----"Ipickedupthephotographandexamineditmorecarefully."Isay,Ilookratherjolly,don'tyouthink?IwonderifIhaveanothercopyofthisanywhere."Igazedatitwistfully."Thatwasmyfirstyearforthehouse,youknow."

"Don'tgiveitaway,"saidMissMiddletonsuddenly."Keepit."

"ShallI?Idon'twanttodeprive----Well,IthinkIwillifyoudon'tmind."Myeyeswanderedtotheshirt."I'vehadsomefuninthatinmytime,"Isaidthoughtfully."ThefirsttimeIworeit----"

"Youreallyoughtn'ttogiveawayyouroldcolours,youknow."

"Oh,butifMrs.Middleton,"Ibegandoubtfully--"atleast,don'tyou--what?--oh,allright,perhapsIwon't."Iputtheshirtononesidewiththephotograph,andpickedupthedearoldcomfybedroomslippers.IconsideredthemforaminuteandthenIsigheddeeply.AsIlookedupIcaughtMissMiddleton'seye....Ithinkshehadbeensmiling.

"Abouttheslippers,"shesaidgravely.

.....

"Good-bye,"IsaidtoMissMiddleton."It'sbeenjollytoseeyou."Igraspedmyparcelfirmlyasthetrainbegantomove."I'malwaysgladtohelpMrs.Middleton,andifeverIcandosoagainbesuretoletmeknow."

"Iwill,"saidMissMiddleton.

Thetrainwentoutofthestation,andmyparcelandIlookedaboutforacab.

GETTINGMARRIED

GETTINGMARRIED



I.--THEDAY

Probablyyouthoughtthatgettingmarriedwasquiteasimplebusiness.SodidI.Wewerebothwrong;itistheverydickens.Ofcourse,Iamnotgoingtodrawbacknow.AsIkeeptellingCelia,herRonaldisamanofpowerfulfibre,andwhenhesayshewilldoathinghedoesit--eventually.Sheshallhaveherweddingallright;Ihaveswornit.ButIdowishthatthereweren'tsomanythingstobearrangedfirst.

ThefactthatwehadtofixadaywasbrokentomeoneafternoonwhenCeliawasshowingmetosomerelativesofhersintheAddisonRoad.Igotentangledwithanelderlycousinonthehearth-rug;andthoughIknownothingaboutmotor-bicyclesItalkedaboutthemforseveralhoursundertheimpressionthattheywerehissubject.Itturnedoutafterwardsthathewasequallyignorantofthem,butthoughttheyweremine.Perhapsweshallgetonbetteratasecondmeeting.However,justwhenwewereboththoroughlysickofeachother,Celiabrokeoffhergaychatwithanaunttosaytome:

"Bytheway,Ronald,wedidsettleontheeleventh,didn'twe?"

Ilookedatherblankly,mymindnaturallyfullofmotor-bicycles.

"Thewedding,"smiledCelia."Right-o,"Isaidwithenthusiasm.IwasgladtobeassuredthatIshouldnotgoontalkingaboutmotor-bicyclesforever,andthatontheeleventh,anyhow,therewouldbeashortinterruptionfortheceremony.Feelingalmostfriendlytothecousin,Iplungedintohisfavouritesubjectagain.

OnthewayhomeCeliareturnedtothematter.

"Oryouwouldratheritwasthetwelfth?"sheasked.

"I'veneverheardawordaboutthisbefore,"Isaid."Itallcomesasa

surprisetome."

"Why,I'malwaysaskingyou."

"Well,it'sveryforwardofyou,andIdon'tknowwhatyoungpeoplearecomingtonowadays.Celia,what'sthegoodofmytalkingtoyourcousinforthreehoursaboutmotor-bicycling?Surelyonecangetmarriedjustaswellwithoutthat?"

"Onecan'tgetmarriedwithoutsettlingtheday,"saidCelia,comingcleverlybacktothepoint.

Well,Isupposeonecan't.ButsomehowIhadexpectedtobesparedall

thisbother.IthinkmyideawasthatCeliawouldsaytomesuddenlyoneevening,"Bytheway,Ronald,don'tforgetwe'rebeingmarriedto-morrow,"andIshouldhavesaid"Where?"Andonbeingtoldthetimeandplace,Ishouldhaveturnedupprettypunctually;andaftermybestmanhadtoldmewheretostand,andtheclergymanhadtoldmewhattosay,andmysolicitorhadtoldmewheretosignmyname,weshouldhavedrivenfromthechurchahappymarriedcouple...andinthecarriageCeliawouldhavetoldmewherewewerespendingthehoneymoon.

However,itwasnottobeso.



"Allright,theeleventh,"Isaid."Anyparticularmonth?"

"No,"smiledCelia,"justanymonth.Or,ifyoulike,everymonth."

"TheeleventhofJune,"Isurmised."ItisprobablytheonedayintheyearonwhichmyUncleThomascannotcome.Butnomatter.Theeleventhletitbe."

"Thenthat'ssettled.AndatSt.Miriam's?"

ForsomereasonCeliahassetherheartonSt.Miriam's.PersonallyIhavenofeelingaboutit.St.Andrew's-by-the-WardrobeorSt.Bartholomew's-Withoutwouldsuitmeequallywell.

"Allright,"Isaid,"St.Miriam's."

There,youmightsuppose,thematterwouldhaveended;butno.

"Thenyouwillseeaboutitto-morrow?"saidCeliapersuasively.

Iwasappalledattheidea.

"Surely,"Isaid,"thisisforyou,oryourfather,or--orsomebodyto

arrange.""Ofcourseit'sforthebridegroom,"protestedCelia.

"Intheory,perhaps.Butanyhownotthebridegroompersonally.Hisbestman...orhissolicitor...or...Imean,you'renotsuggestingthatImyself----Oh,well,ifyouinsist.Still,ImustsayIdon'tseewhat'sthegoodofhavingabestmanandasolicitorif----Oh,allright,Celia,I'llgoto-morrow."

SoIwent.ForhalfanhourIpaddedroundSt.Miriam'snervously,andthensummoningupallmycourage,Iknockedmypipeoutandentered.

"Iwant,"Isaidjauntilytoasextonorasacristanorsomething--"Iwant--er--awedding."AndIadded,"Fortwo."

Hedidn'tseemasnervousasIwas.HeenquiredquitecalmlywhenIwantedit.

"TheeleventhofJune,"Isaid."It'sprobablytheonedayintheyearonwhichmyUncleThomas----However,thatwouldn'tinterestyou.Thepointisthatit'stheeleventh."

Theclerkconsultedhiswedding-book.ThenhemadethesurprisingannouncementthattheonlydayhecouldoffermeinJunewastheseventeenth.Iwasamazed.

"Iamaveryoldcustomer,"Isaidreproachfully."Imean,Ihaveoftenbeentoyourchurchinmytime.Surely----"

"We'veweddingsfixedonalltheotherdays."

"Yes,yes,butyoucouldpersuadesomebodytochangehisday,couldn'tyou?Orifheisverymuchsetonbeingmarriedontheeleventhyoumightrecommendsomeotherchurchtohim.Idaresayyouknowofsomegoodones.Yousee,Celia--my--thatis,we'reparticularlykeen,for



somereason,onSt.Miriam's."

Theclerkdidn'tappreciatemysuggestion.Heinsistedthattheseventeenthwastheonlyday.

"Thenwillyouhavetheseventeenth?"heasked.

"Mydearfellow,Ican'tpossiblysayoff-hand,"Iprotested."Iamnotaloneinthis.Ihaveafriendwithme.Iwillgobackandtellherwhatyousay.Shemaydecidetowithdrawherofferaltogether."

IwentbackandtoldCelia.

"Bother,"shesaid."Whatshallwedo?"

"Thereareotherchurches.There'syourown,forexample."

"Yes,butyouknowIdon'tlikethat.Whyshouldn'twebemarriedontheseventeenth?"

"Idon'tknowatall.Itseemsanexcellentday;itletsinmyUncleThomas.Ofcourse,itmayexcludemyUncleWilliam,butonecan'thaveeverything."

"Thenwillyougoandfixitfortheseventeenthto-morrow?""Can'tIsendmysolicitorthistime?"Iasked."Ofcourse,ifyouparticularlywantmetogomyself,Iwill.Butreally,dear,IseemtobelivingatSt.Miriam'snowadays."

Andeventhatwasn'ttheendofthebusiness.For,justasIwasleavingher,CeliabrokeittomethatSt.Miriam'swasneitherinherparishnorinmine,andthat,inordertoqualifyasabridegroom,Ishouldhavetohirearoomsomewherenear.

"ButIamverycomfortablewhereIam,"Iassuredher.

"Youneedn'tlivethere,Ronald.Youonlywanttoleaveahatthere,youknow."

"Oh,verywell,"Isighed.

Shecametothehallwithme;and,havingsaidgood-byetoher,Irepeatedmylesson.

"Theseventeenth,fixitupto-morrow,takearoomnearSt.Miriam's,andleaveahatthere.Good-bye."

"Good-bye....Andoh,Ronald!"ShelookedatmecriticallyasIstoodinthedoorway."Youmightleavethatone,"shesaid.

II.--FURNISHING

"Bytheway,"saidCeliasuddenly,"whathaveyoudoneaboutthefixtures?"

"Nothing,"Irepliedtruthfully.

"Well,wemustdosomethingaboutthem."



"Yes.Mysolicitor--heshalldosomethingaboutthem.Don'tlet'stalkaboutthemnow.I'veonlygotthreehoursmorewithyou,andthenImustdashbacktomywork."

Imustsaythatanymentionoffixtureshasalwaysboredmeintensely.WhenitwasamatterofgettingahousetoliveinIwasallenergy.AssoonasCeliahadfoundit,Iputmysolicitorontoit;andwithinamonthIhadsignedmynameintwoplaces,andwastheownerofahighlyresidentialflatinthebestpartoftheneighbourhood.ButmyeffortsoexhaustedmethatIhavefeltutterlyunablesincetocopewiththequestionofthecurtain-rodinthebathroomorwhateveritisthatCeliameansbyfixtures.Thesethingswillarrangethemselvessomehow,Ifeelconfident.

Meanwhilethedecoratorsarehardatwork.AthrillofprideinflatesmewhenIthinkofthedecoratorsatwork.Idon'tknowhowtheygotthere;IsupposeImusthaveorderedthem.Celiasaysthatsheorderedthemandchoseallthepapersherself,andthatallIdidwastosaythatthepapersshehadchosenwereverypretty;butthisdoesn'tsoundlikemeintheleast.IamconvincedthatIwasthemanofactionwhenitcametoorderingdecorators.

"Andnow,"saidCeliaoneday,"wecangoandchoosetheelectric-light

fittings.""Celia,"Isaidinadmiration,"you'reawonderfulperson.Ishouldhaveforgottenallaboutthem."

"Why,they'reaboutthemostimportantthingintheflat."

"SomehowIneverregardedanybodyaschoosingthem.Ithoughttheyjustgrewinthewall.Frombulbs."

WhenwegotintotheshopCeliabecamebusinesslikeatonce.

"We'dbetterstartwiththehall,"shetoldtheman.

"Everybodyelsewillhaveto,"Isaid,"sowemayaswell."

"Whatsortofalightdidyouwantthere?"heasked.

"Astrongone,"Isaid;"soastobeabletowatchourguestscarefullywhentheypasstheumbrella-stand."

Celiawavedmeawayandexplainedthatwewantedahanginglantern.Itappearedthatthisshopmadeaspecialitynotsomuchofthevoltageasofthelampsenclosingit.

"Howdoyoulikethat?"askedtheman,pointingtoamagnificentaffair

inbrass.Hewanderedofftoaswitch,andturnediton.

"Dareyouaskhimtheprice?"IaskedCelia."Itlookstomeaboutathousandpounds.Ifitis,saythatyoudon'tlikethestyle.Don'tlethimthinkwecan'taffordit."

"Yes,"saidCelia,inacarelesssortofway."I'mnotsurethatIcareaboutthat.Howmuchisit?"

"Twopounds."



Iwasnotgoingtoshowmyrelief."Withoutthelight,ofcourse?"Isaiddisparagingly.

"Howdoyouthinkitwouldlookinthehall?"saidCeliatome.

"Ithinkourguestswouldbeencouragedtoproceed.They'dseethatwewereprettygoodpeople."

"Idon'tlikeit.It'stooornate."

"Thenshowussomethinglessornate,"Itoldthemansternly.

Heshowedusthingslessornate.AttheendofanhourCeliasaidshethoughtwe'dbettergetontoanotherroom,andcomebacktothehallafterwards.Wedecidedtoproceedtothedrawing-room.

"Wemustgoalloutoverthese,"saidCelia;"Iwantthesetobereallybeautiful."

AttheendofanotherhourCeliasaidshethoughtwe'dbettergetontomyworkroom.Myworkroom,asthenameimplies,istheroomtowhichIamtoretirewhenIwantcompletequiet.SometimesIshallgothereafterlunch...andhaveit.

"Wecancomebacktothedrawing-roomafterwards,"shesaid."It'sreallyveryimportantthatweshouldgettherightonesforthat.Yourroomwon'tbesodifficult,but,ofcourse,youmusthaveawfullyniceones."

Ilookedatmywatch.

"It'saquartertoone,"Isaid."At2.15ontheseventeenthofJunewearedueatSt.Miriam's.Ifyouthinkweshallhaveboughtanythingbythen,let'sgoon.If,asseemstome,thereisnohopeatall,thenlet'shavelunchto-dayanyhow.Afterlunchwemaybeabletofindsomewayoutoftheimpasse."

AfterlunchIhadanidea.

"Thisafternoon,"Isaid,"wewillbegintogetsomefurnituretogether."

"Butwhatabouttheelectricfittings?Wemustfinishoffthose."

"Thisisanexperiment.Iwanttoseeifwecanbuyachestofdrawers.Itmayjustbeourdayforit."

"Andwesettlethefittingsto-morrow.Yes?"

"Idon'tknow.Wemaynotwantthem.Italldependsonwhetherwecanbuyachestofdrawersthisafternoon.Ifwecan't,thenIdon'tseehowwecaneverbemarriedontheseventeenthofJune.Somebody'sgottobe,becauseI'veengagedthechurch.Thequestioniswhetherit'sgoingtobeus.Let'sgoandbuyachestofdrawersthisafternoon,andsee."

TheoldgentlemaninthelittleshopCeliaknewofwasdelightedtoseeus.

"Chestesses?Ah,you'avecometotherightplace."Heledtheway



intothedepths."Therenow.There'sachest--realold,thatis."Hegaveitaheartysmack."Youdon'tseeachestlikethatnowadays.Theycan'tmake'em.Threepoundten.Youcouldn'thavegotthatto-morrer.I'dhavesolditforfourpoundto-morrer."

"Iknewitwasourday,"Isaid.

"Realold,thatis.Spanishme'ogany,alloaklined.That'sright,sir,pullthedrawersoutandseeforyourself.Lettheladysee.There'snoimitationthere,lady.Arealoldchest,thatis.Comein'ereinaweekandyou'dhavetopayfivepoundsforit.Me'ogany'sgoingup,yousee,that'show."

"Well?"IsaidtoCelia.

"It'sperfectlysweet.Hadn'twebetterseesomemore?"

Wesawtwomore.BothofthemSpanishme'ogany,oaklined,pull-the-drawers-out-and-see-for-yourself-lady.Halfanhourpassedrapidly.

"Well?"Isaid.

"Ireallydon'tknowwhichIlikebest.Whichdoyou?"

"Thefirst;it'snearerthedoor."

"There'sanothershopjustovertheway.We'dbetterjustlooktheretoo,andthenwecancomebacktodecideto-morrow."

Wewentout.Iglancedatmywatch.Itwas3.30,andwewerebeingmarriedat2.15ontheseventeenthofJune.

"Waitamoment,"Isaid,"I'veforgottenmygloves."

Imaybeaslowstarter,butIamveryfirmwhenroused.Iwentintotheshop,wroteachequeforthethreechestsofdrawers,andtoldtheman

wheretosendthem.WhenIreturned,Celiawasattheshopopposite,pullingthedrawersoutofarealoldmahoganychestwhichwasstandingonthepavementoutside.

"Thisisevenbetter,"shesaid."It'sperfectlyadorable.Iwonderifit'smoreexpensive."

"I'lljustask,"Isaid.

Iwentinand,withoutanunnecessaryword,boughtthatchesttoo.ThenIcamebacktoCelia.Itwas3.45,andontheseventeenthofJuneat2.15----Well,wehadfourchestsofdrawerstowardsit.

"Celia,"Isaid,"wemayjustdoityet."

III.--THEHONEYMOON

"IknowIoughtn'ttobedallyinghere,"Isaid;"Ioughttobedoingsomethingstrenuousinpreparationforthewedding.CountingthebellsatSt.Miriam's,orvarnishingthefloorsintheflat,or----TellmewhatIoughttobedoing,Celia,andI'llgoonnotdoingitforabit."



"There'sthehoneymoon,"saidCelia.

"Iknewtherewassomething."

"Dotellmewhatyou'redoingaboutit?"

"Thinkingaboutit."

"Youhaven'twrittentoanyoneaboutroomsyet?"

"Celia,"Isaidreproachfully,"youseemtohaveforgottenwhyIammarryingyou."

WhenCeliawasbrowbeatenintoherpresentengagement,shesaidfranklythatshewasonlyconsentingtomarrymebecauseofmypianola,whichshehadalwayscoveted.InreturnIpointedoutthatIwasonlyaskinghertomarrymebecauseIwantedsomebodytowritemyletters.Thereopenedbeforeme,inthatgladmoment,avistaofinvitationsandaccounts-renderedallansweredpromptlybyCelia,insteadofputofftillnextmonthbyme.Itwasawonderfulvisiontoonewho(veryproperly)detestsletter-writing.Andyet,hereshewas,evenbeforetheceremony,expectingmetoenterintoadeliberatecorrespondencewithallsortsofstrangepeoplewhoasyethadnotcomeintomylifeatall.Itwastoomuch.

"Wewillget,"Isaid,"yourfathertowritesomelettersforus."

"Butwhat'shegottodowithit?"

"Idon'twanttocomplainofyourfather,Celia,butitseemstomethatheisnotdoinghisfairshare.Thereoughttobeacertaingive-and-takeinthematter.Ifindyouanicechurchtobemarriedin--good.Hefindsyouaniceplacetohoneymoonin--excellent.Afterall,youarestillhisdaughter."

"Allright,"saidCelia,"I'llaskfathertodoit.'DearMrs.Bunn,mylittleboywantstospendhisholidayswithyouinJune.Iamwritingto

askyouifyouwilltakecareofhimandseethathedoesn'tdoanythingdangerous.Hehasanicedisposition,butwantswatching.'"Shepattedmyheadgently."Somethinglikethat."

Igotupandwenttothewriting-desk.

"IcanseeIshallhavetodoitmyself,"Isighed."GivemetheaddressandI'llbegin."

"Butwehaven'tquitesettledwherewe'regoingyet,havewe?"

Iputthependownthankfullyandwentbacktothesofa.

"Good!ThenIneedn'twriteto-day,anyhow.Itiswonderful,dear,howdifficultiesrollawaywhenyoufacethem.AlmostatoncewearriveattheconclusionthatIneedn'twriteto-day.Splendid!Well,whereshallwego?Thiswillwantalotofthought.Perhaps,"Iadded,"Ineedn'twriteto-morrow."

"WehadalmostfixedonEngland,hadn'twe?"

"SomebodywastellingmethatLyntonwasverybeautiful.IshouldliketogotoLynton."



"ButeveryonegoestoLyntonfortheirhoneymoon."

"Thenlet'sbeoriginalandgotoBirmingham.'ThehappycoupleleftforBirmingham,wherethehoneymoonwillbespent.'Sensation."

"'ThebrideleftthetrainatEaling.'Moresensation."

"Ithinkthegreatthing,"Isaid,tryingtobebusinesslike,"istofixthecountyfirst.IfwefixedonRutland,thentherestwouldprobablybeeasy."

"Thegreatthing,"saidCelia,"istodecidewhatwewant.Sea,orriver,ormountains,or--orgolf."

AtthewordgolfIcoughedandlookedoutofthewindow.

NowIamveryfondofCelia--Imeanofgolf,and--whatIreallymean,ofcourse,isthatIamveryfondofbothofthem.ButIdothinkthatonahoneymoonCeliashouldcomefirst.Afterall,Ishallhaveplentyofotherholidaysforgolf...although,ofcourse,threeweeksinthesummerwithoutanygolfatall----Still,IthinkCeliashouldcomefirst.

"Ourtrouble,"Isaidtoher,"isthatneitherofushaseverbeenonahoneymoonbefore,andsowe'venoideawhatitwillbelike.Afterall,whyshouldwegetboredwitheachother?Surelywedon'tdependongolftoamuseus?"

"Allthesame,Ithinkyourgolfwouldamuseme,"saidCelia."Besides,Iwantyoutobeashappyasyoupossiblycanbe."

"Yes,butsupposingIwasslicingmydrivesallthetime,Ishouldbemiserable.IshouldbetornbetweenthedesiretogobacktoLondonandhavealessonwiththeprofessionalandthedesiretostayonhoneymooningwithyou.Onecan'tbehappyinaquandarylikethat."

"Verywellthen,nogolf.Settled?"

"Quite.Nowthen,let'sdecideaboutthescenery.Whatsortofsoildoyouprefer?"

WhenIleftCeliathatdaywehadagreedonthismuch:thatwewouldn'tbotheraboutgolf,andthatthemountains,rivers,valleys,andsoonshouldbeleftentirelytonature.Allweweretoenquireforwas(inthewordsofanadvertisementCeliahadseen)"aperfectspotforahoneymoon."

InthecourseofthenextdayIheardofsevenspots;varyingfromaspotinSurrey"dottedwithfirs,"toadotinthePacificspotted

with--Iforgetwhat,nativesprobably.Takentogethertheywerethesevenonlypossiblespotsforahoneymoon.

"Weshallhavetohavesevenhoneymoons,"IsaidtoCeliawhenIhadtoldhermynews."Onehoneymoon,onespot."

"Wait,"shesaid."Ihaveheardofanidealspot."

"Speakingasaspotexpert,Idon'tthinkthat'snecessarilybetterthananonlypossiblespot,"Iobjected."Still,tellmeaboutit."



"Well,tobeginwith,it'sclosetothesea."

"Sowecanbathewhenwe'rebored.Good."

"Andit'sgotariver,ifyouwanttofish----"

"Idon't.Ishouldhatetocatchafishwhowasperhapsonhishoneymoontoo.Still,Iliketheideaofariver."

"Andquiteagoodmountain,andlovelywalks,and,infact,everything.Exceptapicture-palace,luckily."

"Itsoundsallright,"Isaiddoubtfully."Wemightjustspendthenextdayortwothinkingaboutmysevenspots,andthenImight...possibly...feelstrongenoughtowrite."

"Oh,Inearlyforgot.Ihavewritten,Ronald."

"Youhave?"Icried."Then,mydear,whatelsematters?It'saperfectspot."Ilaybackinrelief."Andthere,thank'evings,isanotherthingsettled.Blessyou."

"Yes.And,bytheway,thereisgolfquiteclosetoo.Butthat,"she

smiled,"needn'tpreventusgoingthere.""Ofcoursenot.Weshalljustignorethecourse."

"Perhaps,soastobeonthesafeside,you'dbetterleaveyourclubsbehind."

"PerhapsI'dbetter,"Isaidcarelessly.

AllthesameIdon'tthinkIwill.Oneneverknowswhatmayhappen...andattheoutsetofone'smatrimonialcareertohavetogototheexpenseofanentirelynewsetofclubswouldbeamostregrettablebusiness.

IV.--SEASONABLEPRESENTS

"Isuppose,"Isaid,"it'stoolatetocancelthisweddingnow?"

"Well,"saidCelia,"theinvitationsareout,andthepresentsarepouringin,andmother'sjustorderedthemostmeltingdressforherselfthatyoueversaw.Besides,who'stoliveintheflatifwedon't?"

"There'sagooddealinwhatyousay.Still,Iamalarmed,seriouslyalarmed.Lookhere."Idrewoutaprintedslipandflourisheditbeforeher.

"Notawrit?MypoorRonald!"

"Worsethanthat.ThisistheSt.Miriam'sbilloffareforweddings.Celia,Ihadnoideamarriagewassoexpensive.Ithoughtonerolled-goldringwouldpracticallyseeit."

Itwasaformidabledocument.Startingwith"fullchoirandorgan"whichcametoamillionpounds,andworkingdownthrough"boys'voicesonly,"and"redcarpet"to"policemenforcontrollingtraffic--perpoliceman,



5s.,"itincludedaltogethersometwodozenwaysofdisposingofmysavings.

"Ifwehavethewholemenu,"Isaid,"Ishallberuined.Youwouldn'tliketohavearuinedhusband."

Celiatookthelistandwentthroughitcarefully.

"Imightsay'Season,'"Isuggested,"or'Press.'"

"Well,tobeginwith,"saidCelia,"weneedn'thaveafullchoir."

"Needwehaveanorganorachoiratall?Inthankingpeoplefortheirkindpresentsyoumightadd,'Bytheway,doyousing?'Thenwecouldarrangetohaveallthewarblersinthefront.Mybestmanormysolicitorcouldgivethenote."

"Boys'voicesonly,"decidedCelia."Thenwhataboutbells?"

"Ishouldlikesomenicebells.Ifthepriceis'perbell'wemightgiveanorderforfivegoodones."

"Let'sdowithoutbells.Yousee,theydon'tbegintoringtillwe'veleftthechurch,sotheywon'tbeanygoodtous."

Thisseemedtomeanextraordinarylinetotake.

"Mydearchild,"Iremonstrated,"thewholethingisbeinggotupnotforourselves,butforourguests.Weshallbemuchtoopreoccupiedtoappreciateanyofthegoodthingsweprovide--thetextureoftheredcarpetorthequalityofthesinging.IdreamtlastnightthatIquiteforgotaboutthewedding-ringtill1.30ontheactualday,andtheonlycabIcouldfindtotakemetoajeweller'swasdrawnbyacamel.Ofcourse,itmaynotturnouttobeasbadasthat,butitwillcertainlybeananxiousafternoonforbothofus.Andsowemustconsidertheentertainmententirelyfromthepointofviewofourguests.Whethertheircravingisforchampagneorbells,itmustbesatisfied."

"I'msurethey'llbebetterwithoutbells.Becausewhenthepolicemencallout'Mr.Spifkins'carriage,'Mr.Spifkinsmightn'theariftherewerealotofbellsclashingabout."

"Verywell,nobells.But,mindyou,"Isaidsternly,"Ishallinsistonaclergyman."

Wewentthroughtherestofthemenu,coursebycourse.

"IknowwhatIshalldo,"Isaidatlast."IshallcallonmyfriendtheClerkagain,andIshallspeaktohimquitefrankly.Ishallsay,'Hereisachequeforathousandpounds.ItisallIcanafford--and,bythe

way,you'dbetterpayitinquicklyoritwillbedishonoured.Canyoudousupaniceweddingforathousandinclusive?'"

"LiketheChristmashampersatthestores."

"Exactly.Adozenboys'voices,ahalf-dozenofbells,tenyardsofawning,andtwenty-fouroranges,orvergers,orwhateveritis.Weoughttogetaniceparcelforathousandpounds."

"Or,"saidCelia,"wemightsendthelistroundtoourfriendsas



suggestionsforweddingpresents.I'msureJanewouldlovetogiveusacoupleofpolicemen."

"We'dmuchbetterleavethewholethingtoyourfather.Iinclinemoreandmoretotheopinionthatitishisbusinesstoprovidethewedding.Imustaskmysolicitoraboutit."

"He'sprovidingthebride."

"Yes,butIthinkhemightgofurther.Ican'thelpfeelingthatthebellswouldcomeverywellfromhim.'Bride'sfathertobridegroom--Apealofbells.'Peoplewouldthinkitwassomethinginsilverforthehall.Itwoulddohimalotofgoodinbusinesscircles."

"Andthatremindsme,"smiledCelia,"there'sbeensometalkaboutapresentfromMissPopley."

Ihavecometotheconclusionthatitisimpossibletogetmarrieddecentlyunlessone'slifeisorderedonsomesortofsystem.Mineneverhasbeen;andtheresultisthatImaketerriblemistakes--particularlyinthecaseofMissPopley.Atthebeginningofthebusiness,whenthenewsgotroundtoMissPopley,Ireceivedfromherasweetletterofcongratulation.KnowingthatshewasratherparticularinthesemattersIbracedmyselfupandthankedherheartilybyreturnofpost.Three

dayslater,whenlookingforachequeIhadlost,Iaccidentallycameacrossherletter."Help,help!"Icried."Thiscamedaysago,andIhaven'tansweredyet."Isatdownatonceandthankedherenthusiastically.AnotherweekpassedandIbegantofeelthatImustreallymakeanefforttocatchmycorrespondenceup;soIgotoutallmylettersofcongratulationofthelasttendaysanddevotedanafternoontoansweringthem.Iusedmuchthesameformofthanksinallofthem...withtheexceptionofMissPopley's,whichwasphrasedparticularlywarmly.

Somuchforthat.ButMissPopleyisCelia'sdearfriendalso.WhenImadeoutmylistofguestsIincludedMissPopley;so,inherlist,didCelia.TheresultwasthatMissPopleyreceivedtwoinvitationstothe

wedding....SometimesIfearshemustthinkwearepursuingher.

"Whatdoesshesayaboutapresent?"Iasked.

"Shewantsustotellherwhatwewant."

"Whatarewetosay?Ifwesaidanelephant----"

"Withasmallcardtiedontohisear,and'BestwishesfromMissPopley'onit.Itwouldlookheavenlyamongtheotherpresents."

"YouseewhatImean,Celia.Arewetosuggestsomethingworthathousandpounds,orsomethingworthninepence?It'sawfullykindofher,

butitmakesitjollydifficultforus."

"Somethingthatmightcostanythingfromninepencetoathousandpounds,"suggestedCelia.

"Thenthatwashesouttheelephant."

"Can'tyougettheninepennyonesnow?"

"Isuppose,"Isaid,revertingtothesubjectwhichmostweighedonme,



"shewouldn'tliketogivethemen'svoicesforthechoir?"

"No,Ithinkaclock,"saidCelia."Aclockcancostanythingyoulike--ordon'tlike."

"Right-o.Andperhapswe'dbettersettlenow.Whenitcomes,howmanytimesshallwewriteandthankherforit?"

Celiaconsidered."Fourtimes,Ithink,"shesaid.

.....

Well,asCeliasays,it'stoolatetodrawbacknow.ButIshallbegladwhenit'sallover.AsIbeganbysaying,there'stoomuch"arranging"and"settling"and"fixing"aboutthethingforme.InthenecessarynegotiationsandpreparationsIfearIhavenotshone.AndsoIshallbetrulygladwhenwehavesettleddowninourflat...andCeliacanrestoremyconfidenceinmyselfoncemorebytalkingloudlytoherdomesticstaffabout"TheMaster."

HOMEAFFAIRS

ANINSURANCEACT

Ofcourse,Ihadalwaysknownthatamedicalexaminationwasanecessarypreliminarytoinsurance,butinmyowncaseIhadexpectedthethingtobethemerestformality.Thedoctor,havingseenataglancewhatafine,strong,healthyfellowIwas,wouldlookcasuallyatmytongue,apologiseforhavingdoubtedit,enquiregeniallywhatmygrandfatherhaddiedof,andshowmetothedoor.Thisideaofminewasfosteredby

theexcellenttestimonialwhichIhadwrittenmyselfattheCompany'sbidding."Areyousufferingfromanyconstitutionaldisease?--No.Haveyoueverhadgout?--No.Areyoudeformed?--No.Areyouofstrictlysoberandtemperatehabits?--No,"ImeanYes.MyreplieshadbeenamodelofwhatanAssuranceCompanyexpects.Thenwhytheneedofadoctor?

However,theyinsisted.

Thedoctorbeganquietlyenough.Heasked,asIhadanticipated,afterthehealthofmyrelations.Isaidthattheywereveryfit;and,nottobeoutdoneinpoliteness,expressedthehopethathispeople,too,werekeepingwellinthistryingweather.HewonderedifIdrankmuch.I

said,"Oh,well,perhapsIwill,"withanapologeticsmile,andlookedroundforthesideboard.Unfortunatelyhedidnotpursuethematter....

"Andnow,"hesaid,afterthehundredthquestion,"Ishouldliketolookatyourchest."

Ihadseenitcomingforsometime.InvainIhadtriedtoturntheconversation--toleadhimbacktothesubjectofdrinksormyrelations.Itwasnogood.Hewasevidentlydeterminedtoseemychest.Nothingcouldmovehimfromhisresolve.



Trembling,Ipreparedfortheencounter.Whatterriblediseasewashegoingtodiscover?

Hebeganbytappingmebrisklyalloverinaseriesofdoubleknocks.Forthemostpartonedouble-knockatanypointappearedtosatisfyhim,butoccasionallytherewouldbenoanswerandhewouldknockagain.Atonespotheknockedfourtimesbeforehecouldmakehimselfheard.

"This,"Isaidtomyselfatthethirdknock,"hastornit.Ishallbeploughed,"andIsentanurgentmessagetomychest,"For'eving'ssakedosomething,youfool!Can'tyouhearthegentleman?"Isupposethatrousedit,foratthenextknockhepassedontoanadjacentspot....

"Um,"hesaid,whenhehadcalledeverywhere,"um."

"IwonderwhatI'vedone,"Ithoughttomyself."Idon'tbelievehelikesmychest."

Withoutawordhegotouthisstethoscopeandbegantolistentome.Asluckwouldhaveithestrucksomethinginterestingalmostatonce,andforwhatseemedhourshestoodtherelisteningandlisteningtoit.Butitwasboringforme,becauseIreallyhadverylittletodo.Icouldhavebittenhimintheneckwithsomeease...orImighthavelicked

hisear.Beyondthat,nothingseemedtooffer.Imoistenedmylipsandspoke.

"AmIdying?"Iaskedinabrokenvoice.

"Don'ttalk,"hesaid."Justbreathenaturally."

"Iamdying,"Ithought,"andheishidingitfromme."Itwasaterriblereflection.

"Um,"hesaidandmovedon.

Byandbyhewentandlistenedbehindmyback.Itisverybadformtolistenbehindaperson'sback.Ididnottellhimso,however.Iwantedhimtolikeme.

"Yes,"hesaid."Nowcough."

"Ihaven'tacough,"Ipointedout.

"Makethenoiseofcoughing,"hesaidseverely.

Extremelynervous,Ididmycelebratedimitationofamanwithanirritatingcough.

"H'm!h'm!h'm!h'm!"

"Yes,"saidthedoctor."Goon."

"Helikesit,"Isaidtomyself,"andhemustobviouslybeanexcellentjudge.Ishalldevotemoretimetomimicryinfuture.H'm!h'm!h'm!..."

ThedoctorcameroundtowhereIcouldseehimagain.

"Nowcoughlikethis,"hesaid."Honk!honk!"



Igavemycelebratedimitationofasickrhinocerosgaspingoutitslife.Itwentwell.Igotanencore.

"Um,"hesaidgravely,"um."Heputhisstethoscopeawayandlookedearnestlyatme.

"Tellmetheworst,"Ibegged."I'mnotbotheringaboutthisstupidinsurancebusinessnow.That'soff,ofcourse.But--howlonghaveI?Imustputmyaffairsinorder.Canyoupromisemeaweek?"

Hesaidnothing.Hetookmywristsinhishandsandpressedthem.Itwasevidentthatgriefover-masteredhimandthathewastakingasilentfarewellofme.Ibowedmyhead.Then,determinedtobearmydeath-sentencelikeaman,Isaidfirmly,"Sobeit,"anddrewmyselfawayfromhim.

However,hewouldn'tletmego.

"Come,come,"Isaidtohim,"youmustnotgiveway";andImadeanefforttoreleaseoneofmyhands,meaningtopathimencouraginglyontheshoulder.

Heresisted....

IrealizedsuddenlythatIhadmistakenhismeaning,andthathewassimplyfeelingmypulses.

"Um,"hesaid,"um,"andcontinuedtofingermywrists.

Clenchingmyteeth,andwiththeveinsstartingoutonmyforehead,IworkedmypulsesashardasIcould.

.....

"Ah,"hesaid,asIfinishedtyingmytie;andhegotupfromthedeskwherehehadbeenmakingnotesofmydisastrouscase,andcameoverto

me."Thereisjustonethingmore.Sitdown."

Isatdown.

"Nowcrossyourknees."

Icrossedmyknees.Hebentovermeandgavemeasharptapbelowthekneewiththesideofhishand.

Mychestmayhavedisappointedhim....Hemayhavedislikedmyback....PossiblyIwasacompletefailurewithmypulses....ButIknewtheknee-trick.

Thistimeheshouldnotbedisappointed.

Iwastakingnorisks.Almostbeforehishandreachedmyknee,myfootshotoutandtookhimfairlyunderthechin.Hisfacesuddenlydisappeared.

"Ihaven'tgotthatdisease,"Isaidcheerily.



BACHELORRELICS

"Doyouhappentowant,"IsaidtoHenry,"anoperahatthatdoesn'top?Atleastitonlyworksononeside."

"No,"saidHenry.

"ToanyonewhobuysmyoperahatforalargesumIamgivingawayfoursquareyardsoflinoleum,arevolvingbook-case,twocurtainrods,apairofspring-gripdumb-bells,andanextremelypatentmouse-trap."

"No,"saidHenryagain.

"Themouse-trap,"Ipleaded,"isunused.Thatistosay,nomousehasusedityet.Mymouse-traphasneverbeenblooded."

"Idon'twantitmyself,"saidHenry,"butIknowamanwhodoes."

"Henry,youknoweverybody.ForHeaven'ssakeintroducemetoyourfriend.Whydoesheparticularlywantamouse-trap?"

"Hedoesn't.Hewantsanythingthat'sold.Oldclothes,oldcarpets,

anythingthat'soldhe'llbuy."HeseemedtobeexactlythemanIwanted.

"Introducemetoyourfellowclubman,"Isaidfirmly.

ThateveningIwrotetoHenry'sfriend,Mr.Bennett."DearSir,"Iwrote,"ifyouwouldcalluponmeto-morrowIshouldliketoshowyousomereallyoldthings,allgenuineantiques.InparticularIwouldcallyourattentiontoanoldoperahatofexquisiteworkmanshipandamouse-trapofchasteandhandsomedesign.IhavealsoafewyardsofQueenAnnelinoleumofacircularpatternwhichIthinkwillpleaseyou.MyJamestheFirstspring-gripdumb-bellsandLouisQuatorze

curtain-rodsarewellknowntoconnoisseurs.Agenuineoldcorkbedroomsuite,comprisingonebath-mat,willalsobeincludedinthesale.Yoursfaithfully."

OnsecondthoughtsItoretheletterupandsentMr.Bennettapostcardaskinghimtofavourtheundersignedwithacallat10.30prompt.Andat10.30prompthecame.

Ihadexpectedtoseeabeardedpatriarchwithahookednoseandthreehatsonhishead,butMr.Bennettturnedouttobeaverysprucegentleman,wearing(Iwassorrytosee)muchbetterclothesthantheoperahatIproposedtosellhim.Hebecamebusinesslikeatonce.

"Justtellmewhatyouwanttosell,"hesaid,whippingoutapocket-book,"andI'llmakeanoteofit.Itakeanything."

Ilookedroundmyspaciousapartmentandwonderedwhattobeginwith.

"Therevolvingbook-case,"Iannounced.

"I'mafraidthere'sverylittlesaleforrevolvingbook-casesnow,"hesaid,ashemadeanoteofit.



"Asamatteroffact,"Ipointedout,"thisonedoesn'trevolve.Itgotstucksomeyearsago."

Hedidn'tseemtothinkthatthiswouldincreasetherush,buthemadeanoteofit.

"Thenthewriting-desk."

"Thewhat?"

"TheGeorgianbureau.Acopyofanoldtwentieth-centuryescritoire."

"Walnut?"hesaid,tappingit.

"Possibly.ThevalueofthisGeorgianwriting-desk,however,liesnotinthewoodbutintheliteraryassociations."

"Ah!Mycustomersdon'tbothermuchaboutthat,butstill--whosewasit?"

"Mine,"Isaidwithdignity,placingmyhandinthebreastpocketofmycoat."Ihavewrittenmanycharmingthingsatthatdesk.My'OdetoaBell-push,'my'ThoughtsonAsia,'my----"

"Anythingelseinthisroom?"saidMr.Bennett."Carpet,curtains----""Nothingelse,"Isaidcoldly.

Wewentintothebedroomand,gazingonthelinoleum,myenthusiasmreturnedtome.

"Thelinoleum,"Isaid,withawaveofthehand.

"Verymuchworn,"saidMr.Bennett.

Icalledhisattentiontothepieceunderthebed.

"Notunderthere,"Isaid."Ineverwalkonthatpiece.It'sasgoodasnew."

Hemadeanote."Whatelse?"hesaid.

Ishowedhimroundthecollection.HesawtheLouisQuatorzecurtain-rods,thecorkbedroomsuite,theCÃ¦sariannail-brush(quitebald),theantiqueshaving-mirrorwithgenuinecrack--hesawitall.Andthenwewentbackintotheotherroomsandfoundsomemorethingsforhim.

"Yes,"hesaid,consultinghisnote-book."Andnowhowwouldyoulikemetobuythese?"

"Atalargeprice,"Isaid."Ifyouhavebroughtyourcheque-bookI'lllendyouapen."

"Youwantmetomakeyouanoffer?OtherwiseIshouldsellthembyauctionforyou,deductingtenpercentcommission."

"Notbyauction,"Isaidimpulsively."Icouldn'tbeartoknowhowmuch,orratherhowlittle,myGeorgianbureaufetched.Itwasthere,asIthinkItoldyou,thatIwrotemyGuidetotheRoundPond.Givemean



inclusivepriceforthelot,andnever,neverletmeknowthedetails."

Henamedaninclusiveprice.Itwassomethingunderahundredandfiftypounds.Ishouldn'thavemindedthatifithadonlybeenalittleovertenpounds.Butitwasn't.

"Right,"Iagreed."And,oh,Iwasnearlyforgetting.There'sanoldoperahatofexquisiteworkmanship,which----"

"Ah,now,clotheshadmuchbetterbesoldbyauction.Makeapileofallyoudon'twantandI'llsendroundasackforthem.IhaveanauctionsaleeveryWednesday."

"Verywell.Sendroundto-morrow.Andyoumight--er--alsosendrounda--er--chequefor--quiteso.Well,then,goodmorning."

WhenhehadgoneIwentintomybedroomandmadeapileofmyoperahat.Itdidn'tlookveryimpressive--hardlyworthhavingasackspeciallysentroundforit.TokeepitcompanyIcollectedanassortmentofclothes.Itpainedmetobreakupmywardrobeinthisway,butIwantedthebiddingformyoperahattobebrisk,andafewpreliminarysuitswouldwarmthepublicup.Altogetheritwasagoodlypilewhenitwasdone.Theoperahatperchedonthetop,halfofitonlyatwork.

.....To-dayIreceivedfromMr.Bennettacheque,acatalogue,andanaccount.Thecataloguewasmarked"Lots172-179."SomehowIfeltthatmyoperahatwouldbeLot176.Iturnedtoitintheaccount.

"Lot176--Sixshillings."

"Itdidwell,"Isaid."PerhapsinmyheartofheartsIhopedforsevenandsixpence,butsixshillings--yes,itwasagoodhat."

AndthenIturnedtothecatalogue.

"Lot176--Frock-coatandvest,dress-coatandvest,ditto,pairoftrousersandoperahat."

"Andoperahat."Well,well.Atleastithadthepositionofhonourattheend.Myoperahatwasstarred.

LORDSTEMPORAL

Wehaveeightclocks,calledafterthekindpeoplewhogavethemtous.

Letmeintroduceyou:William,Edward,Muriel,Enid,Alphonse,Percy,Henrietta,andJohn--alargefamily.

"Buthowconvenient,"saidCelia."Exactlyoneforeachroom."

"Ortwoineachcornerofthedrawing-room.Idon'tsuggestit;Ijustthrowouttheidea."

"Whichisrejected.Howshallwearrangewhichgoesintowhichroom?Let'spickup.ItakeWilliamforthedrawing-room;youtakeJohnfor



yourworkroom;Itake----"

"NotJohn,"Isaidgently.Johnis----Johnoverdoesitatrifle.ThereistoomuchofJohn;andheexposeshisinside--whichisnotquitenice.

"Well,whicheveryoulike.Comeon,let'sbegin.William."

Asithappened,IparticularlywantedWilliam.Hehasanabsolutelynoiselesstick,suchasissuitabletoaroominwhichworkistobedone.IexplainedthistoCelia.

"Whatyouwantforthedrawing-room,"Iwenton,"isaclockwhichticksostentatiously,sothatyourvisitorsmayberemindedoftheflightoftime.Edwardisaveryloudbreather.NoguestcouldfailtonoticeEdward."

"William,"saidCeliafirmly.

"Williamhasaverydelicateinterior,"Ipleaded."Youcouldneverattendtohimproperly.IhavebeenthinkingofWilliameversincewehadhim,andIfeelthatIunderstandhiscase."

"Verywell,"saidCelia,withsuddengenerosity;"Edward.YouhaveWilliam;IhaveAlphonseforthedining-room;youhaveJohnforyour

bedroom;IhaveEnidformine;you----""NotJohn,"Isaidgently.Tobefrank,Johnisimproper.

"Well,Percy,then."

"Yes,Percy.Heisyoungandfair.Heshallsitonthechestofdrawersandsingtomysock-suspenders."

"ThenHenriettahadbettergointhespareroom,andMurielinJane's."

"MurielismuchtoogoodforJane,"Iprotested."Besides,aservantwantsanalarmclocktogetherupinthemorning."

"YouforgetthatMurielcuckoos.Atsixo'clockshewillcuckooexactlysixtimes,andatthesixth'oo'Janebrisksoutofbed."

Istillfeltalittledoubtful,becausetheearlymorningisabadtimeforcountingcuckoos,andIdidn'tseewhyJaneshouldn'tbriskoutattheseventh"oo"bymistakeoneday.However,JaneisinCelia'sdepartment,andifCeliawassatisfiedIwas.Besides,theonlyotherplaceforMurielwasthebathroom;andthereissomethingaboutacuckoo-clockinabathroomwhich--well,onewantstobeeducateduptoit.

"Andthat,"saidCeliagladly,"leavesthekitchenforJohn."John,asI

thinkIhavesaid,displayshisinsideinalamentableway.ThereistoomuchofJohn.

"IfJanedoesn'tmind,"Iadded."Shemayhavebeenstrictlybroughtup."

"She'lllovehim.Johnlacksreserve,butheisagoodtime-keeper."

Andsooureightfriendsweresettled.But,alas,notforlong.OurdiscussionhadtakenplaceontheeveofJane'sarrival;andwhenshe



turnedupnextdayshebroughtwithher,toourhorror,aclockofherown--called,Ithink,Mother.Atanyrate,shewasfondofitandrefusedtothrowitaway.

"Andit'sgotanalarm,soitgoesinherbedroom,"saidCelia,"andMurielgoesintothekitchen.Janelovesit,becauseshecomesfromthecountry,andthecuckooremindsherofhome.ThatstillleavesJohneatinghisheadoff."

"And,moreover,showingpeoplewhathappenstoit,"Iaddedseverely.(IthinkIhavealreadymentionedJohn'sfoible.)

"Well,there'sonlyonethingforit;hemustgounderthespare-roombed."

ItriedtoimagineJohnunderthespare-roombed.

"Suppose,"Isaid,"wehadanervousvisitor...andshelookedunderthebedbeforegettingintoit...andsawJohn....Itisaterriblethought,Celia."

However,thatiswhereheis.Itisalonelylifeforhim,butweshallwindhimupeveryweek,andhewillthinkthatheisbeingofservicetous.Indeed,heprobablyimaginesthatourguestsprefertosleepunder

thebed.Now,withJohnatlastarrangedfor,ourfamilyshouldhavebeenhappy;butthreedaysagoIdiscoveredthatitwasWilliamwhowasgoingtobetherealtrouble.TothinkofWilliam,theprideoftheflock,betrayingus!

Asyoumayremember,Williamliveswithme.Hepresidesovertheroomwecall"thelibrary"tovisitorsand"themaster'sroom"toJane.HesmilesatmewhenIwork.Ordinarily,whenIwanttoknowthetime,Ilookatmywatch;buttheothermorningIhappenedtoglanceatWilliam.Hesaid"twentyminutespastseven."AsIamneveratworkasearlyasthat,andasmywatchsaideleven-thirty,IguessedatoncethatWilliam

hadstopped.Intheevening--havingbythattimefoundthekey--Iwenttowindhimup.Tomysurprisehesaid"six-twenty-five."Iputmyeartohischestandheardhisgentlebreathing.Hewasaliveandgoingwell.WithamurmuredapologyIsethimtotherighttime...andbythemorninghewasthree-quartersofanhourfast.

UnlikeJohn,Williamisreticenttoadegree.WithgreatdifficultyIfoundmywaytohisinsides,andthenfoundthathehadpracticallynonetospeakofatall.Certainlyhehadnoregulator.

"Whatshallwedo?"IaskedCelia.

"Leavehim.Andthen,whenyoubringyourguestsinforasmoke,youcan

say,'Oh,don'tgoyet;thisclockisfivehoursandtwenty-threeminutesfast.'"

"Orsixhoursandthirty-sevenminutesslow.Iwonderwhichwouldsoundbetter.Anyhow,heismuchtoobeautifultogounderabed."

Soweareleavinghim.AndwhenIaminthemoodforbeautyIlookatWilliam'smahoganysidesandamsoothedintoslumberagain...andwhenIwanttoadjustmywatch(whichalwayslosesalittle),Icreepunderthespare-roombedandconsultJohn.Johnaloneofallourfamilykeeps



thecorrecttime,anditisapitythathealonemustliveinretirement.

THEMISSINGCARD

WhatIsayisthis:Amanhashisownworktodo.Heslavesattheofficeallday,earningalivingforthosedependentonhim,andwhenhecomeshomehemayreasonablyexpectnottobebotheredwithdomesticbusiness.Iamsureyouwillagreewithme.Andyouwouldgoontosay,wouldyounot,that,anyhow,theinsuringofhisservantsmightsafelybelefttohiswife?Ofcourseyouwould!Thankyouverymuch.

IfirstspoketoCeliaabouttheinsuringofthestaffsomeweeksago.OurstaffconsistsofJaneParsonsthecook,thefirstparlourmaid(Jane)andParsonstheupperhousemaid.WecallthemcollectivelyJane.

"Bytheway,"IsaidtoCelia,"IsupposeJaneisinsuredallright?"

"Iwasgoingtoseeaboutitto-morrow,"saidCelia.

Ilookedatherinsurprise.ItwasjustthesortofthingImighthavesaidmyself.

"Ihopeshewon'tbeunkindaboutit,"Iwenton."Ifsheobjectstopayinghershare,tellherIamrelatedtoasolicitor.Ifshestillobjects,er--tellherwe'llpayitourselves."

"Ithinkitwillbeallright.Fortunately,shehasnoheadforfigures."

Thisistrue.Janeisanexcellentcook,andwellworththeÂ£75ayearorwhateveritiswepayher;butarithmeticgivesheraheadache.WhenCeliahasfinisheddividingÂ£75bytwelve,Janeisinastateof

completenervousexhaustion,andisonlytoothankfultotakethenine-and-sixpencethatCeliahandsovertoher,withoutaskinganyquestions.Indeed,anythingthattheGovernmentwisheddeductedfromJane'swageswecoulddeductwithaminimumoffriction--fromincome-taxtoadog-licence.Athreepennyinsurancewouldbechild'splay.

ThreeweekslaterIsaidtoCelia--

"HasaninspectorbeentoseeJane'scardyet?"

"Jane'scard?"sheaskedblankly.

"Theinsurancecardwiththeprettystampson."

"No....No....Luckily."

"Youmean----"

"Iwasgoingtoseeaboutitto-morrow,"saidCelia.

Igotupandpacedthefloor."Really,"Imurmured,"really."Itriedthevariouschairsintheroom,andfinallywentandstoodwithmybacktothefire-place.Inshort,Ibehavedlikeajustlyincensed



master-of-the-house.

"Youknowwhathappens,"Isaid,whenIwascalmagain,"ifweneglectthisdutywhichParliamenthaslaiduponus?"

"No."

"Wegotoprison.Atleast,oneofusdoes.I'mnotquitesurewhich."

"Ihopeit'syou,"saidCelia.

"AsamatteroffactIbelieveitis.However,weshallknowwhentheinspectorcomesround."

"Ifit'syou,"shewenton,"Ishallsendyouinafile,withwhichyoucancutthroughyourchainsandescape.Itwillbeconcealedinaloafofbread,sothatyourgaolersshan'tsuspect."

"ProbablyIshouldn'tsuspecteither,untilIhadbittenonitsuddenly.Perhapsyou'dbetternotbother.ItwouldbesimplerifyougotJane'scardto-morrowinstead."

"ButofcourseIwill.Thatistosay,I'lltellJanetogetitherself.It'shercinemaeveningout."

OnceaweekJaneleavesusandgoestoacinema.Herlifeisfullofvariety.

Tendayselapsed,andthenoneeveningIsaid----AtleastIdidn't.BeforeIcouldgetitoutCeliainterrupted:

"No,notyet.Yousee,there'sbeenahitch."

Icurbedmyangerandspokecalmly.

"Whatsortofahitch?"

"Well,JaneforgotlastWednesday,andIforgottoremindherthisWednesday.ButnextWednesday----"

"Whydon'tyoudoityourself?"

"Well,ifyou'lltellmewhattodoI'lldoit."

"Well--er--youjust--you--Imean--well,they'lltellyouatthepost-office."

"That'sexactlyhowIkeepexplainingittoJane,"saidCelia.

Ilookedathermournfully.

"Whatshallwedo?"Iasked."Ifeelquitehopelessaboutit.ItseemstoolatenowtodoanythingwithJane.Let'sgetanewstaffandbeginagainproperly."

"LoseJane?"criedCelia."I'dsoonergotoprison--ImeanI'dsooneryouwenttoprison.Whycan'tyoubeamananddosomething?"

Celiadoesn'tseemtorealizethatImarriedherwiththesoleideaofgettingfreeofallthissortofbother.Asitis,Inearlydieoncea



yearintheattempttofillupmyincome-taxform.Anytrafficininsurancecardswould,mydoctorsays,beabsolutelyfatal.

However,somethinghadtobedone.LastweekIwentintoaneighbouringpost-officeinordertosendatelegram.Thepost-officeisanannexeofthegrocer'swherethesardinescomefromonJane'scinemaevening.Havingsentthetelegram,Itookasuddendesperateresolve.I--Imyself--woulddosomething.

"Iwant,"Isaidbravely,"aninsurancestamp."

"Sixpennyorsevenpenny?"saidthegirl,tryingtoputmeoffmybalanceattheverybeginning.

"What'sthedifference?"Iasked."Youneedn'tsayapenny,becausethatisobvious."

However,shehadnowishtobefunny.

"Sevenpennyformen-servants,sixpennyforwomen,"sheexplained.

Iwasn'tgoingtogiveawayourdomesticarrangementstosonearaneighbour.

"Threesixpennyandfoursevenpenny,"Isaidcasually,flickingthedustoffmyshoeswithahandkerchief."Tut,tut,IwasforgettingThomas,"Iadded."Fivesevenpenny."

ItookthestampshomeandshoweredthemonCelia.

"Yousee,"Isaid,"it'snotreallydifficult."

"Oh,youangel!WhatdoIdowiththem?"

"StickthemonJane,"Isaidgrandly."Dotthemaboutthehouse.Stampyourletterswiththem--Icanalwaysgetyouplentymore."

"Didn'tyougetacardtoo?"

"N-no.No,Ididn't.Thefactis,it'syourturnnow,Celia.Yougetthecard."

"Oh,allright.I--er--supposeyoujustaskfora--acard?"

"Isupposeso.And--er--chooseadoctor,and--er--decideonanapprovedsociety,and--er--explainwhyitisyouhadn'tgotacardbefore,and--er----Well,anyhow,it'syourturnnow,Celia."

"It'sreallystillJane'sturn,"saidCelia,"onlyshe'ssostupidaboutit."

Butsheturnedouttobenotsostupidaswethought.Foryesterdaytherecamearingatthebell.Feelinginstinctivelythatitwastheinspector,CeliaandIgotbehindthesofa...andemergedsomeminuteslatertofindJanealoneintheroom.

"Somebodycometoseeaboutaninsurancecardorsomething,"shesaid."Isaidyouwerebothout,andwouldhecometo-morrow."

TechnicallyIsupposewewerebothout.Thatis,wewerenot



receiving.

"Thankyou,Jane,"Isaidstiffly.IturnedtoCelia."Thereyouare,"Isaid."To-morrowsomethingmustbedone."

"IalwayssaidI'ddoitto-morrow,"saidCelia.

SILVERLININGS

"Wewantsomemorecoal,"saidCeliasuddenlyatbreakfast.

"Sorry,"Isaid,engrossedinmypaper,andIpassedherthemarmalade.

"Morecoal,"sherepeated.

Ipushedacrossthetoast.

Celiasighedandheldupherhand.

"PleasemayIspeaktoyouamoment?"shesaid,tryingtosnapher

fingers."Good;I'vecaughthiseye.Wewant----""I'mawfullysorry.Whatisit?"

"Wewantsomemorecoal.NevermindthisoncewhetherInmanbeatHobbsornot.Justhelpme."

"Celia,you'vebeenreadingthepaper,"Isaidinsurprise."Ithoughtyouonlyreadthefeuill--theserialstory.HowdidyouknowInmanwasplayingHobbs?"

"Well,PoultonorCarpentierorwhoeveritis.Lookhere,we'reoutofcoal.WhatshallIdo?"

"That'seasy.Ordersomemore.Whatdoyoudowhenyou'reoutofnutmegs?"

"Itdependsifthenutmegportersarestriking."

"Striking!Goodheavens,Ineverthoughtaboutthat."Iglancedhastilydowntheheadlinesofmypaper."Celia,thisisserious.Ishallhavetothinkaboutthisseriously.Willyouorderafireinthelibrary?Ishallretiretothelibraryandthinkthisover."

"Youcanretiretothelibrary,butyoucan'thaveafirethere.There'sonlyjustenoughforthekitchenfortwodays."

"Thencomeandchaperonmeinthekitchen.Don'tleavemealonewithJane.YouandIandJanewillassembleroundtheovenanddiscussthematter.B-r-r-r.It'scold."

"Notthekitchen.I'llassemblewithyouroundtheelectriclightsomewhere.Comeon."

Wewentintothelibraryandralliedroundawaxvesta.Itwasaterriblycoldmorning.



"Ican'tthinklikethis,"Isaid,afterfifteenseconds'reflection."I'mgoingtotheoffice.There'safirethere,anyway."

"Youwouldn'tlikeanicesecretary,"saidCeliatimidly,"oranofficegirl,orsomebodytolickthestamps?"

"Ishouldneverdoanyworkifyoucame,"Isaid,lookingatherthoughtfully."Docome."

"No,Ishallbeallright.I'vegotshoppingtodothismorning,andI'mgoingouttolunch,andIcanpaysomecallsafterwards."

"Right.Andyoumightfindoutwhatotherpeoplearedoing,thepeopleyoucallon.And--er--ifyoushouldbeleftaloneinthedrawing-roomamoment...andthecoal-boxisatalladjacent....You'llhaveyourmuffwithyou,yousee,and----Well,Ileavethattoyou.Dowhatyoucan."

Ihadagooddayattheofficeandhaveneverbeensolothtoleave.IalwaysfeltIshouldgettolikemyworksometime.Iarrivedhomeagainaboutsix.Celiawasatriflelater,andImetheronthematasshecamein.

"Anyluck?"Iaskedeagerly,feelinginhermuff."Dashit,Celia,therearenothingbuthandshere.Doyoumeantosayyoudidn'tpickupanythingatall?"

"Onlyinformation,"shesaid,leadingthewayintothedrawing-room."Hallo,what'sthis?Afire!"

"Asmallinvoluntarycontributionfromtheoffice.Ibroughtithomeundermyhat.Well,what'sthenews?"

"Thatifwewantanycoalweshallhavetofetchitourselves.Andwecangetitinsmallamountsfromgreengrocers.Whygreengrocers,Idon'tknow."

"Isupposetheyhavetohavefirestoforcethecabbages.Butwhataboutthestrikingcoalporters?Ifyoudotheirjob,won'ttheypicketyouorpickaxeyouorsomething?"

"Oh,ofcourse,Ishouldhatetogoalone.ButIshallbeallrightifyoucomewithme."

Celia'sfaithinmeisverytouching.Iamnotquitesoconfidentaboutmyself.NodoubtIcouldprotecthereasilyagainstfiveorsixgreatbrawnyhulkingporters...armedwithcoal-hammers...butIamseriouslydoubtfulwhetheradozenorso,aidedwithalittleluck,mightn'tgetthebetterofme.

"Don'tletusberash,"Isaidthoughtfully."Don'tletusinfuriatethem."

"Youaren'tafraidofastriker?"askedCeliainamazement.

"Ofanordinarystriker,no.Inastrikeofbank-clerks,or--orchess-players,orprofessionalskeletons,Ishouldbealionamongtheblacklegs;butthereissomethingabouttheverywordcoalporterwhich----Youknow,IreallythinkthisisacasewheretheBritishArmy



mighthelpus.Wehavebeenverygoodtoit."

TheBritishArmy,Ishouldexplain,hasbeenwalkingoutwithJanelately.Whenwegoawayforweek-endswelettheBritishArmydropintosupper.Luckilyitneithersmokesnordrinksnortakesanygreatinterestinbooks.Itisagreatrelief,onyourweek-endsinthecountry,toknowthattheBritishArmyisdroppingintosupper,whenotherwiseyoumightonlyhavesuspectedit.ImaysaythatweareratherhopingtogetapositionintheArmyRecruitingfilmonthestrengthofthishospitality.

"LettheBritishArmygo,"Isaid."We'vebeenverykindtohim."

"IfancyJanehaslefttheservice.Idon'tknowwhy."

"Probablytheyquarrelledbecauseshegavehimcaviaretwonightsrunning,"Isaid."Well,IsupposeIshallhavetogo.Butitwillbenoplaceforwomen.To-morrowafternoonIwillsallyforthalonetodoit.But,"Iadded,"Ishallprobablyreturnwithtwocoalportersclingingroundmyneck.Orderteaforthree."

Nextevening,afterawarmandbusydayattheoffice,Iputonmytop-hatandtail-coatandwentout.IftherewasanyaccidentIwasdeterminedtobedescribedinthepapersas"thebodyofawell-dressed

man";togodowntohistoryas"theremainsofashabbilydressedindividual"wouldbetoodepressing.Beautifullyclothed,IjumpedintoataxianddrovetoCelia'sgreengrocer.Celiaherselfwaskeepingwarmbypayingstillmorecalls.

"Iwant,"Isaidnervously,"ahundredweightofcoalandacauliflower."Thiswasmyownidea.Iintendedtoplacethecaulifloweronthetopofasack,andsotodeceiveanytoo-inquisitivecoalporter."No,no,"Ishouldsay,"notcoal;nicecauliflowersforSunday'sdinner."

"Can'tdeliverthecoal,"saidthegreengrocer.

"I'mgoingtotakeitwithme,"Iexplained.

Hewentroundtoayardattheback.Imotionedmytaxialongandfollowedhimattheheadofthreesmallboyswhohadneverseenatop-hatandacauliflowersoclosetogether.Wegotthesackintoposition.

"Come,come,"Isaidtothedriver,"haven'tyoueverseenadressing-casebefore?GiveusahandwithitorIshallmissmytrainandbelatefordinner."

Hegrinnedandgaveahand.Ipaidthegreengrocer,pressedthecauliflowerintothehandofthesmallestboy,anddroveoff....

Itwasabsurdlyeasy.

Therewasnogoreatall.

.....

"There!"IsaidtoCeliawhenshecameback."Andwhenthat'sdoneI'llgetyousomemore."

"Hooray!Andyet,"shewenton,"I'malmostsorry.Yousee,Iwas



workingoffmycallssonicely,andyou'dbeenhavingsomequitebusydaysattheoffice,hadn'tyou?"

THEORDEROFTHEBATH

"Wemustreallydosomethingaboutthebath,"saidCelia.

"Wemust,"Iagreed.

Atpresentwhatwedoisthis.Punctuallyatsix-thirtyornine,orwheneveritis,Celiagoesintomakeherselfcleanandbeautifulforthenewday,whileIamusemyselfwitharazor.Afteraquarterofanhourorsoshegivesawhistletoimplythatthebathroomisnowvacant,andIgiveanotheronetoindicatethatIhaveonlycutmyselfonce.Ithengohopefullyinandfindthatthebathishalffullofwater;whereuponIgobacktomyroomandengageinDr.HughdeSÃ©lincourt'sphysicalexercisesforthemiddle-aged.AftertheseareoverItakeanotherlookatthebath,discoverthatitisnowthree-eighthsfull,andreturntomyroomandbusymyselfwithDr.ArchibaldMarshall'smentaldrillforbusymen.BythetimeIhavecommittedthreeOdesof

Horacetomemory,itmaybelowtideoritmaynot;ifnot,Isitontheedgeofthebathwiththedailypaperandreadaboutthelateststrike--mymindoccupiedequallywithwonderingwhenthewaterisgoingoutandwhenthebricklayersare.AndthethoughtthatCeliaisnowinthedining-roomeatingmorethanhershareofthetoastdoesnotconsolemeintheleast.

"Yes,"Isaid,"it'sabsurdtogoonlikethis.Youhadbetterseeaboutitto-day,Celia."

"Idon'tthink--Imean,Ithink--youknow,it'sreallyyourturntodosomethingforthebathroom."

"Whatdoyoumean,myturn?Didn'tIbuytheglassshelvesforit?You'dneverevenheardofglassshelves."

"Well,whoputthemupafterthey'dbeenlyingaboutforamonth?"saidCelia."Idid."

"Andwhobumpedhisheadagainstthemthenextday?Idid."

"Yes,butthatwasn'treallyausefulthingtodo.It'syourturntobeuseful."

"Celia,thisismutiny.Allhouseholdmattersaresupposedtobelookedafterbyyou.Idothebrainwork;Iearnthemoney;Icannotbe

botheredwiththeselittledomesticworries.Ihavesaidsobefore."

"Isortofthoughtyouhad."

Youknow,Iamafraidthatistrue.

"Afterall,"shewenton,"thedrinksareinyourdepartment."

"Hock,perhaps,"Isaid;"soapywater,no.Thereisadifference."



"Notverymuch,"saidCelia.

BytheendofanotherweekIwasgettingseriouslyalarmed.IbegantofearthatunlessIwatcheditverycarefullyIshouldbeimprovingmyselftoomuch.

"Whilethewaterwasrunningoutthismorning,"IsaidtoCelia,asIstartedmybreakfastjustaboutlunch-time,"IgotParadiseLostoffbyheart,andmadefivehundredandninety-sixrevolutionswiththebackpaws.Andthenitwastimetoshavemyselfagain.Whatalifeforabusyman!"

"Idon'tknowifyouknowthatit'sno----"

"Beginagain,"Isaid.

"--thatit'snogoodwaitingforthelastinchortwotogooutbyitself.Becauseitwon't.Youhaveto--tohooshitout."

"Ido.AndIsitonthetapslookinglikeafullmoonandtrytodrawitout.Butit'snogood.Wehadaneaptideto-dayandIhadtohooshfourinches.Jolly."

Celiagaveasighofresignation.

"Allright,"shesaid,"I'llgototheplumberto-day."

"Nottheplumber,"Ibegged."Onthecontrary.Theplumberisthemanwhostopstheleaks.Whatwereallywantisanunplumber."

Wefellintosilenceagain.

"Buthowsillyweare!"criedCeliasuddenly."Ofcourse!"

"What'sthematternow?"

"Thebathisthelandlord'sbusiness!Writeandtellhim."

"But--butwhatshallIsay?"SomehowIknewCeliawouldputitontome.

"Why,just--say.Whenyou'repayingtherent,youknow."

"I--Isee."

Iretiredtothelibraryandthoughtitout.Ihatewritingbusinessletters.Theresultisamixtureofformalityandchattinesswhichseemstomeallwrong.

Myfirstlettertothelandlordwentlikethis:--

"DEARSIR,--Ienclosechequeinpaymentoflastquarter'srent.Ourbathwon'trunoutproperly.Yoursfaithfully."

Itisdifficulttosayjustwhatiswrongwiththatletter,andyetitisobviousthatsomethinghashappenedtoit.Itisn'tright.Itriedagain.

"DEARSIR,--Enclosedpleasefindchequeinpaymentofenclosedaccount.Imustaskyoueithertoenlargetheexittoourbathortosupplyanemergencydoor.Atpresentmymorningandeveningbathsareinserious



dangerofclashing.Yoursfaithfully."

Mythirdattempthadmorestinginit:--

"DEARSIR,--UnlessyoudosomethingtoourbathIcannotsendyouenclosedchequeinpaymentofenclosedaccount.OtherwiseIwouldhave.Yoursfaithfully."

AtthispointIwhistledtoCeliaandlaidthelettersbeforeher.

"Youseewhatitis,"Isaid."I'mnotquitegettingthenote."

"Butyou'resoabrupt,"shesaid."Youmustrememberthatthisisallcomingquiteasasurprisetohim.Youwanttoleaduptoitmoregradually."

"Ah,perhapsyou'reright.Let'stryagain."

Itriedagain,withthisresult:--

"DEARSIR,--Insendingyouachequeinpaymentoflastquarter'srentIfeelImusttellyouhowcomfortablewearehere.Theonlyinconvenience--anditisindeedatriflingone,dearSir--whichwehaveexperiencedisinconnectionwiththebathroom.Elegantlyappointedand

spaciousasthisroomis,commodiousaswefindtheactualbathitself,yetwefeelthatinthematterofthewaste-pipethehighstandardofefficiencysodiscernibleelsewhereissadlylacking.WereIaloneIshouldnotcomplain;butunfortunatelytherearetwoofus;and,forthesecondone,thewearinessofwaitingwhilethewatersofthefirstbathexudedropbydropisalmostmorethancanbeborne.Ispeakwithknowledge,foritisIwho----"

ItoretheletterupandturnedtoCelia.

"I'mafool,"Isaid."I'vejustthoughtofsomethingwhichwillsavemeallthisrottenbusinesseverymorning."

"I'msoglad.Whatisit?"

"Why,ofcourse--infutureIwillgotothebathfirst."

AndIdo.Itisaridiculouslysimplesolution,andIcannotthinkwhyitneveroccurredtomebefore.

ATRUNKCALL

LastWednesday,beingtheanniversaryoftheWednesdaybefore,Celiagavemeapresentofadoor-knocker.Theknockerwasintheshapeofanelephant'shead(notlife-size);andbybumpingtheanimal'strunkagainsthischinyoucouldproduceasmallbrassnoise.

"It'sforthelibrary,"sheexplainedeagerly."You'regoingtoworktherethismorning,aren'tyou?"

"Yes,Ishallbeverybusy,"Isaidinmybusyvoice.



"Well,justputitupbeforeyoustart,andthenifIhavetointerruptyouforanythingimportant,Icanknockwithit.Dosayyouloveit."

"It'sadear,andsoareyou.Comealong,let'sputitup."

Igotasmallscrew-driver,andwithverylittlelossofbloodmanagedtoscrewitintothedoor.Somepeoplearebornscrewists,somearenot.Iamoneofthenots.

"It'srathersideways,"saidCeliadoubtfully.

"Ossoerry,"Isaid.

"What?"

Itookmyknucklefrommymouth.

"Notsovery,"Irepeated.

"Iwishithadbeenstraight."

"SodoI;butit'stoolatenow.Youhavetoleavethesethingsverylargelytothescrew-driver.Besides,elephantsoftendohavetheir

headssideways;I'venoticeditattheZoo.""Well,nevermind.Ithinkit'sverycleverofyoutodoitatall.Nowthen,yougoin,andI'llknockandseeifyouhear."

Iwentinandshutthedoor,Celiaremainingoutside.Afterfiveseconds,havingheardnothing,butnotwishingtodisappointher,Isaid,"Comein,"inthevoiceofonewhohasbeensuddenlydisturbedbyaloud"rat-tat."

"Ihaven'tknockedyet,"saidCeliafromtheothersideofthedoor.

"Whynot?"

"Iwasadmiringhim.Heisjolly.Docomeandlookathimagain."

Iwentoutandlookedathimagain.Hereallygaveanairtothelibrarydoor.

"Hisfaceisratherdirty,"saidCelia."Ithinkhewantssomebrasspolishanda--andabun."

Sheranofftothekitchen.IremainedbehindwithJumboandhadalittlepractice.Theknockwasnotaltogetherconvincing,owingtothefactthathischinwastoorecedingforhistrunktogetatitproperly.Icouldhearitquiteeasilyonmyownsideofthedoor,butIfelt

ratherdoubtfulwhetherthesoundwouldpenetrateintotheroom.Thenaturalnoiseoftheelephant--roar,bark,whistle,orwhateveritis--Ihaveneverheard,butIamtolditisveryterribletodenizensofthejungle.Jumbo'scrywouldnothavealarmedanant.

CeliacamebackwithflannelsandthingsandwashedJumbo'sface.

"There!"shesaid."Nowhismotherwouldlovehimagain."Veryconfidentlyshepropelledhistrunkagainsthischinandadded,"Comein."



"Youcanhearitquiteplainly,"Isaidquickly.

"Itdoesn'tre--rever--reverberate--isthattheword?"saidCelia,"butit'squiteadistinctivenoise.I'msureyou'dhearit."

"I'msureIshould.Let'stry."

"Notnow.I'lltrylateron,whenyouaren'texpectingit.Besides,youmustbeginyourwork.Good-bye.Workhard."Shepushedmeinandshutthedoor.

Ibegantowork.

Iworkbestonthesofa;Ithinkmostclearlyinwhatappearstothehastyobservertobeanattitudeofrest.ButIamnotsurethatCeliareallyunderstandsthisyet.Accordingly,whenaknockcomesatthedoorIjumptomyfeet,rufflemyhair,andstrideupanddowntheroomwithonehandonmybrow."Comein,"Icallimpatiently,andCeliafindsmeabsolutelyinthethroes.Ifthereshouldchancetobeasecondknocklateron,Imakeasprintforthewriting-desk,seizepenandpaper,upsettheinkornotasithappens,andpresenttoanyonecominginatthedoorthemostthoroughlyengrossedbackinLondon.

Butthatwasinthegoodolddaysofknuckle-knocking.OnthisparticularmorningIhadhardlywrittenmorethanacoupleofthousandwords--ImeanIhadhardlygotthecushionsatthebackofmyheadcomfortablysettledwhenCeliacamein.

"Well?"shesaideagerly.

Istruggledoutofthesofa.

"Whatisit?"Iaskedsternly.

"Didyouhearitallright?"

"Ididn'thearanything."

"Oh!"shesaidingreatdisappointment."Butperhapsyouwereasleep,"shewentonhopefully.

"Certainlynot.Iwasworking."

"DidIinterruptyou?"

"Youdidrather;butitdoesn'tmatter."

"Oh,well,Iwon'tdoitagain--unlessIreallyhaveto.Good-bye,andgoodluck."

ShewentoutandIreturnedtomysofa.Afteranhourorsomymindbegantogettowork,andIgotupandwalkedslowlyupanddowntheroom.Thegentleexerciseseemedtostimulateme.Seeingmynewputterinthecorneroftheroom,Itookitup(mybrainfullofotherthings)and,droppingagolfballonthecarpet,begantopractise.Afterfiveortenminutes,myideasbeingnowquiteclear,IwasjustabouttosubstitutethepenfortheputterwhenCeliacamein.

"Oh!"shesaid."Are--areyoubusy?"



Iturnedroundfromadifficultputtwiththeclubinmyhand.

"Very,"Isaid."Whatisit?"

"Idon'twanttodisturbyouifyou'reworking----"

"Iam."

"ButIjustwonderedifyou--ifyoulikedartichokes."

Ilookedathercoldly.

"Iwillfillinyourconfessionbookanothertime,"Isaidstiffly,andIsatdownwithdignityatmydeskanddippedtheputterintheink.

"It'sfordinnerto-night,"saidCeliapersuasively."Dosay.BecauseIdon'twanttoeatthemallbymyself."

IsawthatIshouldhavetohumourher.

"Ifit'saJerusalemartichokeyoumean,yes,"Isaid;"theothersort,no.J.ArthurChokeIlove."

"Right-o.Sorryforinterrupting."Andthenasshewenttothedoor,"YoudidhearJumbothistime,didn'tyou?"

"Ibelievethat'stheonlyreasonyoucameinfor."

"Well,oneofthem."

"Areyoucominginagain?"

"Don'tknow,"shesmiled."DependsifIcanthinkofanexcuse."

"Right,"Isaid."Inthatcase----"

Therewasnothingelseforit;Itookupmypenandbegantowork.

ButIhaveasuggestiontomaketoCelia.Atpresent,althoughJumboisreallymine,sheishavingallthefunwithhim.AndaslongasJumboisontheoutsideofthedoortherecanneverriseanoccasionwhenIshouldwanttousehim.MyideaisthatIshouldunscrewJumboandputhimontheinsideofthedoor,sothatIcanknockwhenIcomeout.

AndthenwhenCeliawantstocomeinshewillwarnmeintheold-fashionedwaywithherknuckles...andIshallhavetimetodosomethingaboutit.

OTHERPEOPLE'SHOUSES

THEPARTINGGUEST



Whennicepeopleaskmetotheirhousesfortheweek-end,IreplythatIshallbedelightedtocome,butthatpressureofworkwillpreventmystayingbeyondTuesday.Sometimes,inspiteofthis,theytrytokickmeoutontheMonday;andifIfindthattheyareseriousaboutitImaypossiblyconsenttogobyaneveningtrain.Inanycase,italwaysseemstomeapitytohavetoleaveahousejustasyouarebeginningtoknowyourwaytothebathroom.

"Isthe9.25tooearlyforyou?"saidCharlesonSundaynightÃproposofnothingthatIhadsaid.

"Notifit'sintheevening,"Ianswered.

"It'sinthemorning."

"Thenit'smuchtooearly.Inevertravelbeforebreakfast.Butwhydoyouask?"

"Well,I'vegottorideovertoNewtownto-morrow----"

"To-morrow?"Isaidinsurprise."Aren'twetalkingaboutTuesday?"

Itappearedthatweweren't.ItalsocameoutthatCharlesandhiswife,notanticipatingthepleasureofmycompanybeyondMonday,hadarranged

torideoverthedownstoNewtowntoinspectahorse.Theywouldnotbebackuntiltheevening.

"Butthat'sallright,Charles,"Isaid."Ifyouhaveasparehorse,asteadyonewhichdoesn'twobblewhenitcanters,Iwillridewithyou."

"There'sonlytheoldpony,"saidCharles,"andhewillbewantedtodriveyoutothestation."

"NotuntilTuesday,"Ipointedout.

Charlesignoredthisremarkaltogether.

"Youcouldn'trideJoseph,anyway,"hesaid.

"ThenImightrunbesideyou,holdingontoyourstirrup.Myancestorsalwayswentintobattlelikethat.Wearestillgoodrunners."

Charlesturnedoversomemorepagesofhistimetable.

"Thereisa10.41,"heannounced.

"JustwhenIshallbegettingtolikeyou,"Isighed.

"MollyandIhavetobeoffbyten.Ifyoucaughtthe10.41,youwouldwanttoleaveherebyaquarterpast."

"Ishouldn'twanttoleave,"Isaidreproachfully;"Ishouldgowiththegreatestregret."

"The9.25,ofcourse,getsyouuptotownmuchearlier."

"Somesuchidea,nodoubt,wouldaccountforitsstartingbeforethe10.41.Whathaveyouatabout4.30?"

"Ifyoudon'tmindchangingatPlimton,there'sa10.5----"



Igotupandlitmycandle.

"Let'swaittillto-morrowandseewhattheweather'slike,"Isaidsleepily."Iamnotaproudman,butafterwhatyou'vesaid,andifit'satallwet,Imayactuallybegladtocatchanearlytrain."AndImarchedupstairstobed.

However,awonderfulblueskynextmorningmadeanytalkofLondonutterlyoffensive.MyhostandhostesshadfinishedbreakfastbythetimeIgotdown,andIwasjustbeginningmyownwhenthesoundofthehorsesonthegravelbroughtmeout.

"I'msorrywe'vegottodashofflikethis,"saidMrs.Charles,smilingatmefromthebackofPompey."Don'tyoubeinanyhurrytogo.Thereareplentyoftrains."

"Thankyou.Itwouldbeashametoleavethecountryonamorninglikethis,wouldn'tit?Ishalltakeastrolloverthehillsbeforelunch,andsitaboutinthegardenintheafternoon.There'satrainatfive,Ithink."

"Weshan'tbebackbythen,I'mafraid,sothiswillbegood-bye."

Imademyfarewells,andPompey,whowasratherfresh,wentoffsidewaysdownthedrive.ThisleftmealonewithCharles.

"Good-bye,Charles,"Isaid,pattinghimwithonehandandhishorsewiththeother."Don'tyoubotheraboutme.Ishallbequitehappybymyself."

Helookedatmewithacurioussmileandwasapparentlyabouttosaysomething,whenCÃ¦sarsuddenlycaughtsightofmystockings.These,thoughinrealityperfectlytasteful,mightwellcomeasasurprisetoayounghorse,andCÃ¦sarbolteddownthedrivetotellPompeyaboutit.Iwavedtothemallfromthedistanceandreturnedtomybreakfast.

AfterbreakfastIlitapipeandstrolledoutside.AsIstoodatthedoordrinkinginthebeautyofthemorningIwasthevictimofacuriousillusion.Itseemedtomethatoutsidethefrontdoorwasthepony-cart--Josephintheshafts,thegardener'sboyholdingthereins,andbythesideoftheboymybag!

"We'llonlyjusthavetime,sir,"saidtheboy.

"But--butI'mgoingbythefivetrain,"Istammered.

"Well,sir,IshallbeoveratNewtownthisafternoon--withthecart."

Ididnotliketoaskhimwhy,butIthoughtIknew.Itwas,Itold

myself,tofetchbackthehorsewhichCharleswasgoingovertoinspect,thehorsetowhichIhadtogiveupmyroomthatnight.

"Verywell,"Isaid."Takethebagnowandleaveitinthecloak-room.I'llwalkinlater."Whattheetiquettewaswhenyourhostgaveyouahintbysendingyourbagtothestationandgoingawayhimself,Ididnotknow.Buthowevermanybagshepackedandhowevermanyhorsesheinspected,Iwasnottobemovedtillthefiveo'clocktrain.

HalfanhouraftermybagwasgoneImadeadiscovery.Itwasthat,when



Istartedwalkingtothefiveo'clocktrain,Ishouldhavetostartinpumps....

.....

"MydearCharles,"Iwrotethatnight,"itwasdelightfultoseeyouthisweek-end,andIonlywishIcouldhavestayedwithyoulonger,but,asyouknow,Ihadtodashuptotownbythefivetraintoinspectamule.IamsorrytosaythataslightaccidenthappenedjustbeforeIleftyou.Inthegeneralway,whenIcatchanafternoontrain,Iliketopackmybagovernight,butonthisoccasionIdidnotbeginuntilnineinthemorning.Thisonlyleftmeeighthours,andtheresultwasthatinmyhurryIpackedmyshoesbymistake,andhadtoborrowapairofyoursinwhichtowalktothestation.IwillbringthemdownwithmenexttimeIcome."

Imaysaythattheyareunusuallygoodshoes,andifCharlesdoesn'twantmehemustatleastwantthem.SoIamexpectinganotherinvitationbyeverypost.WhenitarrivesIshallreplythatIshallbedelightedtocome,butthat,alas!pressureofworkwillpreventmystayingbeyondTuesday.

THELANDSCAPEGARDENER

ReallyIknownothingaboutflowers.Byabitofluck,James,mygardener,whomIpayhalfacrownaweekforcombingthebeds,knowsnothingaboutthemeither;somyignoranceremainsundiscovered.Butinotherpeople'sgardensIhavetomakesomethingofanefforttokeepupappearances.WithoutflatteringmyselfImaysaythatIhaveacquiredacertainmanner;Igivetheimpressionofthegardenlover,orthemanwithsharesinaseedcompany,or--orsomething.

Forinstance,atCreekCottage,Mrs.Atherleywillsaytome,"That'san

AmphilobertusGemini,"pointingtosomethingwhichIhadn'tnoticedbehindarake.

"Iamnotabitsurprised,"Isaycalmly.

"AndaGladiophiniumBanksiinexttoit."

"Isuspectedit,"Iconfessinahoarsewhisper.

TowardsflowerswhosenamesIknowIadoptadifferenttone.

"Aren'tyousurprisedtoseedaffodilsoutsoearly?"saysMrs.Atherleywithpride.

"TherearelotsoutinLondon,"Imentioncasually."Intheshops."

"Sotherearegrapes,"saysMissAtherley.

"Iwasnottalkingaboutgrapes,"Ireplystiffly.

However,atCreekCottagejustnowIcanaffordtobenatural;foritisnotgardeningwhichcomesunderdiscussionthesedays,butlandscape-gardening,andanyonecanbeanauthorityonthat.The



Atherleys,firedbymytalesofSandringham,Chatsworth,Arundel,andotherplaceswhereIamconstantlyspendingtheweek-end,arereadjustingtheirtwo-acrefield.Infutureitwillnotbecalled"thegarden,"but"thegrounds."

IwasprivilegedtobeshownoverthegroundsonmylastvisittoCreekCottage.

"Here,"saidMrs.Atherley,"wearehavingaplantation.Itwillkeepthewindoff;andweshalloftensithereintheearlydaysofsummer.That'saweepingashinthemiddle.There'sanotheroneoverthere.They'llbelovely,youknow."

"What'sthat?"Iasked,pointingtoabitofblackstickontheleft;which,evenmorethantheothertrees,gavetheimpressionofhavingbeenlefttherebythegardenerwhilehewentforhislunch.

"That'saweepingwillow."

"Thisisratheratearfulcornerofthegrounds,"apologizedMissAtherley."We'llshowyousomethingbrighterdirectly.Lookthere--that'stheoakinwhichKingCharleslayhid.Atleast,itwillbewhenit'sgrownabit."

"Let'sgoontotheshrubbery,"saidMrs.Atherley."Wearehavinganewgrasspathfromheretotheshrubbery.It'sgoingtobecalledHenry'sWalk."

MissAtherleyhasasmallbrothercalledHenry.AlsotherewereeightKingsofEnglandcalledHenry.ManyatimeandoftoneofthosenineHenryshaspacedupanddownthisgrassywalk,hisheadbent,hishandsclaspedbehindhisback;whilebehindhisfurrowedbrow,whoshallsaywhatworld-schemeswerehatching?IsitthethoughtofWolseywhichmakeshimfrown--orishewonderingwherehelefthiscatapult?Ah!whocantellus?Letusleaveaveilofmysteryoverit...forthesakeofthenextvisitor.

"Theshrubbery,"saidMrs.Atherleyproudly,wavingherhandatacoupleoflaurelbushesanda--I'veforgottenitsnamenow,butitisoneofthefewshrubsIreallyknow.

"Andifyou'reagentleman,"saidMissAtherley,"andwanttogetaskedhereagain,you'llalwayscallittheshrubbery."

"Really,Idon'tseewhatelseyoucouldcallit,"Isaid,wishingtobeaskeddownagain.

"Thepatch."

"True,"Isaid."Imean,Nonsense."

Iwasratherlateforbreakfastnextmorning;apityonsuchalovelyspringday.

"I'msosorry,"Ibegan,"butIwaslookingattheshrubberyfrommywindowandIquiteforgotthetime."

"Good,"saidMissAtherley.

"Imustthankyouforputtingmeinsuchaperfectroomforit,"Iwenton,



warmingtomysubject."Onecanactuallyseetheshrubs--er--shrubbing.Theplantation,too,seemsalittlethickertomethanyesterday."

"Iexpectitis."

"Infact,thetennislawn----"Ilookedroundanxiously.Ihadasuddenfearthatitmightbethenewdeer-park."Itstillisthetennislawn?"Iasked.

"Yes.Why,whataboutit?"

"Iwasonlygoingtosaythetennislawnhadquitealotofshadowsonit.Oh,there'snodoubtthattheplantationisreallyassertingitself."

Eleveno'clockfoundmestrollinginthegroundswithMissAtherley.

"Youknow,"Isaid,aswepacedHenry'sWalktogether,"theonethingtheplantationwantsisforabirdtonestinit.Thatisthehall-markofaplantation."

"It'smother'sbirthdayto-morrow.Wouldn'titbealovelysurpriseforher?"

"Itwould,indeed.Unfortunatelythisisamatterinwhichyourequiretheco-operationofafeatheredfriend."

"Couldn'tyoutrytopersuadeabirdtobuildanestintheweepingash?Justforthisonce?"

"You'reaskingmeaverydifficultthing,"Isaiddoubtfully."AnythingelseIwoulddocheerfullyforyou;buttodictatetoabirdonsuchaverydomesticaffair----No,I'mafraidImustrefuse."

"Itneedonlyjustbegintobuildone,"pleadedMissAtherley,"becausemother'sgoinguptotownbyyourtrainto-morrow.Assoonasshe'soutofthehousethebirdcangobackanywhereelseitlikes

better."

"IwillputthattoanybirdIseeto-day,"Isaid,"butIamdoubtful."

"Oh,well,"sighedMissAtherley,"nevermind."

.....

"Whatdoyouthink?"criedMrs.Atherleyasshecameintobreakfastnextday."There'sabirdbeennestingintheplantation!"

MissAtherleylookedatmeinundisguisedadmiration.Ilookedquitesurprised--IknowIdid.

"Well,well!"Isaid.

"Youmustcomeoutafterwardsandseethenestandtellmewhatbirditis.Therearethreeeggsinit.IamafraidIdon'tknowmuchaboutthesethings."

"I'mglad,"Isaidthankfully."Imean,Ishallbegladto."

Wewentouteagerlyafterbreakfast.Onabouttheonlytreeinthe



plantationwithaforktoitanestbalancedprecariously.Ithadinitthreepale-blueeggssplotchedwithlightbrown.Itappearedtobeablackbird'snestwithanothereggortwotocome.

"It'sbeenveryquickaboutit,"saidMissAtherley.

"Ofourfeatheredbipeds,"Isaid,frowningather,"theblackbirdisnotoriouslythemosthasty."

"Isn'titlovely?"saidMrs.Atherley.

Shewasstilltalkingaboutitassheclimbedintothetrapwhichwastotakeustothestation.

"Onemoment,"Isaid,"I'veforgottensomething."Idashedintothehouseandoutbyasidedoor,andthensprintedfortheplantation.Itookthenestfromtheweepingandover-weightedashandputitcarefullybackinthehedgebythetennis-lawn.ThenIreturnedmoreleisurelytothehouse.

Ifyoueverwantajoboflandscape-gardeningthoroughlywelldone,youcanalwaysrelyuponme.

THESAMEOLDSTORY

Westoodinacircleroundtheparrot'scageandgazedwithinterestatitsoccupant.She(Evangeline)wasbalancingeasilyononeleg,whilewiththeotherlegandherbeakshetriedtopeelamonkey-nut.Therearesomeofuswhohatetobewatchedatmeals,particularlywhendealingwiththedessert,butEvangelineisnotofournumber.

"There,"saidMrs.Atherley,"isn'tsheabeauty?"

Ifeltthat,asthelasttobeintroduced,Ioughttosaysomething.

"Whatdoyousaytoaparrot?"IwhisperedtoMissAtherley.

"Haveabanana,"suggestedReggie.

"Ibelieveyousay,'Scratch-a-poll,'"saidMissAtherley,"butIdon'tknowwhy."

"Isn'tthatratherdangerous?Supposeitretorted'Scratchyourown,'Ishouldn'tknowabithowtogoon."

"Itcan'ttalk,"saidReggie."It'squiteababy--onlysevenmonthsold.

Butit'snogoodshowingityourwatch;youmustthinkofsomeotherwayofamusingit."

"Breakittome,Reggie.HaveIbeenaskeddownsolelytoamusetheparrot,ordidanyofyouotherswanttoseeme?"

"Onlytheparrot,"saidReggie.

Evangelinepaidnoattentiontous.Shecontinuedtowrestlewiththemonkey-nut.Ishouldsaythatshewasabirdnoteasilyamused.



"Can'titreallytalkatall?"IaskedMrs.Atherley.

"Notyet.Yousee,she'sonlyjustcomeoverfromSouthAmerica,andisn'tusedtotheclimateyet."

"Butthat'sjustthepersonyou'dexpecttotalkalotabouttheweather.Ibelieveyou'vebeenhad.Writealittlenotetothepoulterersandaskifyoucanchangeit.You'vegotabadonebymistake."

"Wegotitasabird,"saidMrs.Atherleywithdignity,"notasagramophone."

ThenextmorningEvangelinewasassilentasever.MissAtherleyandIsurveyeditafterbreakfast.Itwasstillgrapplingwithamonkey-nut,butnodoubtadifferentone.

"Isn'titevergoingtotalk?"Iasked."Really,Ithoughtparrotswerecontinuallychatting."

"Yes,buttheyhavetobetaught--justlikeyouteachababy."

"Areyousure?Iquiteseethatyouhavetoteachthemanyspecial

thingsyouwantthemtosay,butIthoughttheywereallbornwithafewsimpleobviousremarks,like'PoorPolly,'or--or'DashLloydGeorge.'"

"Idon'tthinkso,"saidMissAtherley."Notthegreenones."

Atdinnerthatevening,Mr.Atherleybeingnowwithus,thequestionofEvangeline'seducationwasseriouslyconsidered.

"Theonlypropermethod,"beganMr.Atherley----"Bytheway,"hesaid,turningtome,"youdon'tknowanythingaboutparrots,doyou?"

"No,"Isaid."Youcangoonquitesafely."

"Theonlypropermethodofteachingaparrot--IgotthisfromamanintheCitythismorning--istogiveherawordatatime,andtogoonrepeatingitoverandoveragainuntilshe'sgotholdofit."

"Andafterthattheparrotgoesonrepeatingitoverandoveragainuntilyou'vegotsickofit,"saidReggie.

"Thenweshallhavetobeverycarefulwhatwordwechoose,"saidMrs.Atherley.

"Whatisyourfavouriteword?"

"Well,really----"

"Animal,vegetable,ormineral?"askedArchie.

"Thisisquiteimpossible.Everywordbyitselfseemssosilly."

"Not'home'and'mother,'"Isaidreproachfully.

"Youshallreciteyourlittlepieceinthedrawing-roomafterwards,"saidMissAtherleytome."Thinkofsomethingsensiblenow."



"Yes,"saidMrs.Atherley."What'sthelatestwordfromLondon?"

"Kikuyu."

"What?"

"Ican'tsayitagain,"Iprotested.

"Ifyoucan'tevensayittwice,it'snogoodforEvangeline."

Athoughtfulsilencefelluponus.

"Haveyoufixedonanameforheryet?"MissAtherleyaskedhermother.

"Evangeline,ofcourse."

"No,Imeananameforhertocallyou.Becauseifshe'sgoingtocallyou'Auntie'or'Darling,'orwhateveryoudecideon,you'dbetterstartbyteachingherthat."

AndthenIhadabrilliantidea.

"I'vegottheveryword,"Isaid."It's'hallo.'Yousee,it'sapleasantformofgreetingtoanystranger,anditwillgoperfectlywith

thenextwordthatshe'staught,whateveritmaybe.""Supposingit's'wardrobe,'"suggestedReggie,"or'sardine'?"

"Whynot?'Hallo,Sardine'istheperfecttitleforarevue.Witty,subtle,neat--probablythegreatbrainoftheRevueKinghasalreadyevolvedit,andisplanningtheopeningscene."

"Yes,'hallo'isn'tatallbad,"saidMr.Atherley."Anyway,it'sbetterthan'PoorPolly,'whichissimplymorbid.Let'sfixon'hallo.'"

"Good,"saidMrs.Atherley.

Evangelinesaidnothing,beingasleepunderherblanket.

.....

Iwasdownfirstnextmorning,havingforgottentowindupmywatchovernight.Longingforcompany,ItooktheblanketoffEvangeline'scageandintroducedhertotheworldagain.Shestirredsleepily,openedhereyesandblinkedatme.

"Hallo,Evangeline,"Isaid.

Shemadenoreply.

Suddenlyasplendidschemeoccurredtome.IwouldteachEvangelineherwordnow.Howitwouldsurprisetheotherswhentheycamedownandsaid"Hallo"toher,tofindthemselvespromptlyansweredback!

"Evangeline,"Isaid,"listen.Hallo,hallo,hallo,hallo."Istoppedamomentandwentonmoreslowly."Hallo--hallo--hallo."

Itwasdullwork.

"Hallo,"Isaid,"hallo--hallo--hallo,"andthenverydistinctly,



"Hal-lo."

Evangelinelookedatmewithanutterlyboredface.

"Hallo,"Isaid,"hallo--hallo."

Shepickedupamonkey-nutandateitlanguidly.

"Hallo,"Iwenton,"hallo,hallo...hallo,hallo,HALLO,HALLO...hallo,hallo----"

Shedroppedhernutandrousedherselfforamoment.

"Numberengaged,"shesnapped,andtookanothernut.

.....

Youneedn'tbelievethis.Theothersdidn'twhenItoldthem.

THESPREADINGWALNUTTREE

Wewerehavingbreakfastinthegardenwiththewasps,andPeterwasenlargingonthebeautiesofthecountryroundhisnewweek-endcottage.

"Thenthere'sHilderton,"hesaid;"that'salovelylittlevillage,I'mtold.Wemightexploreitto-morrow."

Celiawokeupsuddenly.

"IsHildertonnearhere?"sheaskedinsurprise."ButIoftenstayedtherewhenIwasachild."

"Thiswasyearsago,whenEdwardtheSeventhwasonthethrone,"I

explainedtoMrs.Peter.

"Mygrandfather,"wentonCelia,"livedatHildertonHall."

Therewasanimpressivesilence.

"Youseethesortofpeopleyou'reentertaining,"IsaidairilytoPeter."Mywife'sgrandfatherlivedatHildertonHall.Celia,youshouldhavespokenaboutthisbefore.ItwouldhavedoneusalotofgoodinSociety."Ipushedmyplateaway."Ican'tgooneatingbaconafterthis.Bringmepeaches."

"Ishouldlovetoseeitagain."

"IfI'dhadmyrights,"Isaid,"Ishouldbelivingtherenow.Imustputmysolicitorontothis.There'sbeenfoulplaysomewhere."

Peterlookedupfromoneofthemapswhich,beingnewtothecountry,hecarrieswithhim.

"Ican'tfindHildertonHallhere,"hesaid."It'ssixinchestothemile,soitoughttobemarked."



"Celia,ourgrandfather'snameisbeingaspersed.Letuslookintothis."

Wecrowdedroundthemapandstudieditanxiously.Hildertonwasthere,andHildertonHouse,butnoHildertonHall.

"Butit'sagreatbigplace,"protestedCelia.

"Iseewhatitis,"Isaidregretfully."Celia,youwereyoungthen."

"Ten."

"Ten.Andnaturallyitseemedbigtoyou,justasYarrowseemedbigtoWordsworth,andashillingseemsalottoababy.Butreally----"

"Really,"saidPeter,"itwassemi-detached."

"AndyoursidewascalledHildertonHallandtheothersideHildertonCastle."

"Idon'tbelieveitwasevencalledHildertonHall,"saidPeter."ItwasHildertonVilla."

"Idon'tbelievesheeverhadagrandfatheratall,"saidMrs.Peter.

"Shemusthavehadagrandfather,"Ipointedout."ButI'mafraidheneverlivedatHildertonHall.Thisisagreatblowtome,andIshallnowresumemybacon."

IdrewmyplatebackandPeterreturnedhismaptohispocket.

"You'reallveryfunny,"saidCelia,"butIknowitwasHildertonHall.I'veagoodmindtotakeyoutherethismorningandshowittoyou."

"Do,"saidPeterandIeagerly.

"It'sagreatbigplace----"

"That'swhatwe'recomingtosee,"Iremindedher.

"Ofcoursetheymayhavesoldsomeoftheland,or--Imean,IknowwhenIusedtostaythereitwasa--agreatbigplace.Ican'tpromisethatit----"

"It'snogoodnow,Celia,"Isaidsternly."Youshouldn'thaveboasted."

Hildertonwasfourmilesoff,andwebegantoapproachit--Celiapalpablynervous--atabouttwelveo'clockthatmorning.

"Areyourecognizinganyofthis?"askedPeter.

"N-no.YouseeIwasonlyabouteight----"

"Youmustrecognisethechurch,"Isaid,pointingtoit."Ifyoudon't,itproveseitherthatyouneverlivedatHildertonorthatyouneversanginthechoir.Idon'tknowwhichthoughtisthemoredistressing.Nowwhataboutthisplace?Isthisit?"

Celiapeeredupthedrive.



"N-no;atleastIdon'trememberit.Iknowtherewasawalnuttreeinfrontofthehouse."

"Isthatallyouremember?"

"Well,Iwasonlyaboutsix----"

PeterandIbothhadaslightcoughatthesametime.

"It'snothing,"saidPeter,findingCelia'sindignanteyeuponhim."Let'sgoon."

Wefoundtwomorebighouses,butCelia,alittledoubtfully,rejectedthemboth.

"Mygrandfather-in-lawwasveryhardtoplease,"IapologizedtoPeter."HepassedoverplaceafterplacebeforehefinallyfixedonHildertonHall.Eithertheheronrywasn'tventilatedproperly,orthedecoypondshadthewrongkindofmud,or----"

TherewasasuddencryfromCelia.

"Thisisit,"shesaid.

Shestoodattheentrancetoalongdrive.Afewchimneyscouldbeseeninthedistance.Oneithersideofthegateswasahighwall.

"Idon'tseethewalnuttree,"Isaid.

"Ofcoursenot,becauseyoucan'tseethefrontofthehouse.ButIfeelcertainthatthisistheplace."

"Wewantmoreproofthanthat,"saidPeter."Wemustgoinandfindthewalnuttree."

"Wecan'tallwanderintoanotherman'sgroundslookingforwalnuttrees,"Isaid,"withnobetterexcusethanthatCelia's

great-grandmotherwasonceaskeddownherefortheweek-endandstayedforafortnight.We----"

"Mygrandfather,"saidCeliacoldly,"livedhere."

"Well,whateveritwas,"Isaid,"wemustinventaproperreason.Peter,youmightpretendyou'vecometoinspectthegas-meterorthemilkorsomething.OrperhapsCeliahadbetterdisguiseherselfasaSuffragetteandsaythatshe'scometoborrowaboxofmatches.Anyhow,oneofusmustgettothefrontofthehousetosearchforthiswalnuttree."

"It--itseemsrathercheek,"saidCeliadoubtfully.

"We'lltossupwhogoes."

Wetossed,andofcourseIlost.Iwentupthedrivenervously.AtthefirstturnIdecidedtobeaninsuranceinspector,atthenextascout-master,but,asIapproachedthefrontdoor,Ithoughtofaverysimpleexcuse.Irangthebellundertheeyesofseveralpeopleatlunchandlookedabouteagerlyforthewalnuttree.

Therewasnone.



"DoesMr.--er--Erasmus--er--Percivallivehere?"Iaskedthefootman.

"No,sir,"hesaid--luckily.

"Ah!Wasthereeverawalnut--ImeanwasthereeveraMr.Percivalwholivedhere?Ah!Thankyou,"andIspeddownthedriveagain.

"Well?"saidCeliaeagerly.

"Mr.Percivaldoesn'tlivethere."

"Whoever'sMr.Percival?"

"Oh,Iforgot;youdon'tknowhim.Friends,"Iaddedsolemnly,"Iregrettotellyouthereisnowalnuttree."

"Iamnotsurprised,"saidPeter.

Thewalkhomewasasilentone.FortherestofthedayCeliawasthoughtful.Butattheendofdinnershebrightenedupalittleandjoinedintheconversation.

"AtHildertonHall,"shesaidsuddenly,"wealways----"

"H'r'm,"Isaid,clearingmythroatloudly."Peter,passCeliathewalnuts."

.....

IhavehadgreatfuninLondonthisweekwiththewalnutjoke,thoughCeliasayssheisgettingtiredofit.ButIhadaletterfromPeterto-daywhichendedlikethis:--

"Bytheway,Iwasanasslastweek.ItookyoutoBanfieldinmistakeforHilderton.IwenttoHildertonyesterdayandfoundHildertonHall--alargeplacewithawalnuttree.It'salittlewayoutofthevillage,andismarkedbigonthenextsectionofthe

maptotheonewewerelookingat.YoumighttellCelia."

True,Imight....

PerhapsinaweekortwoIshall.

DEFINITIONS

AssoonaswehadjoinedtheladiesafterdinnerGeraldtookupa

positioninfrontofthefire.

"Nowthatthelongwintereveningsareuponus,"hebegan----

"Anyhow,it'salwaysdarkathalf-pastnine,"saidNorah.

"Notinthemorning,"saidDennis,whohastobeexcusedforanythingfoolishhesayssincehebecameobsessedwithgolf.

"Pleasedon'tinterrupt,"Ibegged."Geraldismakingaspeech."



"Iwasonlygoingtosaythatwemighthavealittlegameofsomesort.Norah,what'sthelatestparlourgamefromLondon?"

"Tellyouruncle,"Iurged,"howyouamuseyourselvesattheLyceum."

"Doyouknow'HuntthePencil'?"

"No.Whatdoyoudo?"

"Youcollectfivepencils;whenyou'vegotthem,I'lltellyouanothergame."

"Botherthesepencilgames,"saidDennis,takinganimaginaryswingwithapaper-knife."Ihopeitisn'ttoobrainy."

"You'llwanttoknowhowtospell,"saidNorahseverely,andshewenttothewriting-deskforsomepaper.

Inalittlewhile--say,halfanhour--wehadeachasheetofpaperandapencil,andNorahwasreadytoexplain.

"It'scalledDefinitions.Iexpectyouallknowit."

Weassuredherwedidn't."Well,youbeginbywritingdownfiveorsixletters,oneunderneaththeother.Wemighteachsuggestone.'E.'"

Weweighedinwithours,andtheresultwasEPADU.

"Nowyouwritethembackwards."

Therewasamoment'sconsternation.

"Like'bath-mat'?"saidDennis."An'e'backwardslookssosilly."

"Stupid--likethis,"explainedNorah.Sheshowedusherpaper.

EUPDAADPUE

"Thisisthrilling,"saidMrs.Gerald,pencillinghard.

"Theneverybodyhastofillinwordsallthewaydown,yourfirstwordbeginningwith'e'andendingwith'u,'andsoon.See?"

GeraldleantoverDennisandexplainedcarefullytohim,andinalittlewhileweallsaw.

"Then,wheneverybody'sfinished,wedefineourwordsinturn,andthepersonwhoguessesawordfirstgetsamark.That'sall."

"Andaverygoodgametoo,"Isaid,andIrubbedmyheadandbegantothink.

"Ofcourse,"saidNorah,afteraquarterofanhour'ssilence,"youwant



tomakethewordsdifficultanddefinethemassubtlyaspossible."

"Ofcourse,"Isaid,wrestlingwith'E--U.'Icouldonlythinkofoneword,anditwastheoneeverybodyelsewascertaintohave.

"Areweallready?Thensomebodybegin."

"You'dbetterbegin,Norah,asyouknowthegame,"saidMrs.Gerald.

Wepreparedtobegin.

"Mine,"saidNorah,"isabird."

"Emu,"weallshouted;butIswearIwasfirst.

"Yes."

"Idon'tthinkthat'saverysubtledefinition,"saidDennis."Youpromisedtobeassubtleaspossible."

"Goon,dear,"saidGeraldtohiswife.

"Well,thisisratherawkward.Mineis----"

"Emu,"Isuggested."Youmustwaittillshehasdefinedit,"saidNorahsternly.

"Mineisasortoffeatheredanimal."

"Emu,"Isaidagain.Infact,weallsaidit.

Geraldcoughed."Mine,"hesaid,"isn'texactlya--fish,becauseit----"

"Emu,"saideverybody.

"Thatwassubtler,"saidDennis,"butitdidn'tdeceiveus."

"Yourturn,"saidNorahtome.Andtheyallleantforwardreadytosay"Emu."

"Mine,"Isaid,"is--allright,Dennis,youneedn'tlooksoexcited--isawordIonceheardamansayattheZoo."

Therewasashriekof"Emu!"

"Wrong,"Isaid.

Everybodywassilent.

"Wheredidhesayit?"askedNorahatlast."Whatwashedoing?"

"HewasstandingoutsidetheEmu'scage."

"ItmusthavebeenEmu."

"Itwasn't."

"Perhapsthere'sanotheranimalbeginningwith'e'andendingwith'u,'"suggestedDennis."Hemighthavesaid,'Lookhere,I'mtiredofthisold



Emu,let'sgoandseetheE-doesn't-mu,'orwhateverit'scalled."

"Weshallhavetogiveitup,"saidNorahatlast."Whatisit?"

"Ebu,"Iannounced."Mymanhadabadcold,andhesaid,'Look,Baria,there'sadEbu.'Er--whatdoIgetforthat?"

"Nothing,"saidNorahcoldly."Itisn'tfair.Now,Mr.Dennis."

"MineisnotEmu,anditcouldn'tbemistakenforEmu;notevenifyouhadasorethroatandasprainedankle.AndithasnothingtodowiththeZoo,and----"

"Well,whatisit?"

"It'swhatyousayatgolfwhenyoumissashortputt."

"Idoubtit,"Isaid.

"NotwhatGeraldsays,"saidhiswife.

"Well,it'swhatyoumightsay.WhatHoracewouldhavesaid."

"'Eheu'--good,"saidGerald,whilehiswifewasasking"Horacewho?"

Wemovedontothenextword,P--D.

"Mine,"saidNorah,"iswhatyoumightdotoamanwhomyoudidn'tlike,butit'sadelightfulthingtohaveandatthesametimeyouwouldhatetobeinit."

"Areyousureyouknowwhatyouaretalkingabout,dear?"saidMrs.Geraldgently.

"Quite,"saidNorahwiththeconfidenceofextremeyouth.

"Couldyousayitagainveryslowly,"askedDennis,"indicatingby

changesinthevoicewhichcharacterisspeaking?"

Shesaiditagain.

"'Pound,'"saidGerald."Good--onetome."

Mrs.Geraldhad"pod,"Geraldhad"pond";buttheydidn'tdefinethemverycleverlyandtheyweresoonguessed.Mine,unfortunately,wasalsoguessedatonce.

"ItiswhatDennis'sgolfis,"Isaid.

"'Putrid,'"saidGeraldcorrectly.

"Mine,"saidDennis,"iswhateverybodyhastwoof."

"Thenit'snot'pound,'"Isaid,"becauseI'veonlygotoneandninepence."

"Atleast,it'sbesttohavetwo.Sometimesyouloseone.They'reveryusefulatgolf.Infact,absolutelynecessary."

"Haveyougottwo?"



"Yes."

IlookedatDennis'senormoushandsspreadoutonhisknees.

"Isit'pud'?"Iasked."Itis?Arethosethetwo?Goodheavens!"andIgavemyselfamark.

A--Awasthenext,andwehadtheoldEmutrouble.

"Mine,"saidNorah--"mineisratherameaninglessword."

"'Abracadabra,'"shoutedeverybody.

"Mine,"saidMissGerald,"isaverystrangeword,which----"


"Mine,"saidGerald,"isawordwhichusedtobe----"


"Mine,"Isaidtosavetrouble,"is'Abracadabra.'"

"Mine,"saidDennis,"isn't.It'swhatyousayatgolfwhen----""Ohlor!"Igroaned."Notagain."

"Whenyouholealongputtforahalf."

"Yougenerallysay,'Whataboutthatforagoodputt,oldthing?Thirtyyardsatleast,'"suggestedGerald.

"No."

"Isit--isit'Alleluia'?"suggestedMrs.Geraldtimidly.

"Yes."

"Dennis,"Isaid,"you'reanass."

.....

"Andnow,"saidNorahattheendofthegame,"who'swon?"

Theycounteduptheirmarks.

"Ten,"saidNorah.

"Fifteen,"saidGerald.

"Three,"saidhiswife.

"Fourteen,"saidDennis.

Theylookedatme.

"I'mafraidIforgottoputallminedown,"Isaid,"butIcaneasilyworkitout.Therewerefivewords,andfivedefinitionsofeachword.Twenty-fivemarkstobegainedaltogether.Youfourhavegot--er--let's



see--forty-twobetweenyou.Thatleavesme----"

"Thatleavesyouminusseventeen,"saidDennis."I'mafraidyou'velost,oldman."Hetookuptheshovelandpractisedafewapproachshots."It'sratheragoodgame."

Ithinksotoo.It'sagoodgame,but,likeallpapergames,itsscoringwantswatching.

ABILLIARDLESSON

IwasshowingCeliaafewfancystrokesonthebilliard-table.Theothermembersofthehouse-partywereinthelibrary,learningtheirpartsforsomeapproachingtheatricals--thatistosay,theyweresittingroundthefireandsayingtoeachother,"Thisisarottenplay."Wehadbeenofferedthepositionofauditorstoseveralofthecompany,butweweregoingtoseeParsifalonthenextday,andIwasafraidthattheconstantexcitementwouldbebadforCelia.

"Whydon'tyouaskmetoplaywithyou?"sheasked."Youneverteachme

anything.""There'singratitude.Why,IgaveyouyourfirstlessonatgolfonlylastThursday."

"Soyoudid.Iknowgolf.Nowshowmebilliards."

Ilookedatmywatch.

"We'veonlytwentyminutes.I'llplayyouthirtyup."

"Right-o.Whatdoyougiveme--aballorabisqueorwhat?"

"Ican'tspareyouaball,I'mafraid.IshallwantallthreewhenIgetgoing.Youmayhavefifteenstart,andI'lltellyouwhattodo."

"Well,whatdoIdofirst?"

"Selectacue."

Shewentovertotherackandinspectedthem.

"Thisseemsanicebrownone.Nowthen,youbegin."

"Celia,you'vegotthehalf-butt.Putitbackandtakeayoungerone."

"Ithoughtitseemedtallerthantheothers."Shetookanother."How'sthis?Good.Thenoffyougo."

"Willyoubespotorplain?"Isaid,chalkingmycue.

"Doesitmatter?"

"Notverymuch.They'reboththesameshape."

"Thenwhat'sthedifference?"



"Well,oneismorespottedthantheother."

"ThenI'llbelessspotted."

Iwenttothetable.

"Ithink,"Isaid,"I'lltryandscrewinoffthered."(IdidthisoncebyaccidentandI'vealwayswantedtodoitagain.)"Orperhaps,"Icorrectedmyself,assoonastheballhadleftme,"Ihadbettergiveasafetymiss."

Idid.Myballavoidedtheredandcameswiftlybackintotheleft-handbottompocket.

"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidwithoutenthusiasm.

Celiaseemedsurprised.

"ButIhaven'tbegunyet,"shesaid."Well,Isupposeyouknowtherules,butitseemsfunny.Whatwouldyoulikemetodo?"

"Well,thereisn'tmuchon.You'dbetterjusttryandhittheredball."

"Right."Sheleantoverthetableandtooklongandcarefulaim.Iheldmybreath....Stillsheaimed....Then,keepingherchinonthecue,sheslowlyturnedherheadandlookedupatmewithathoughtfulexpression.

"Oughtn'ttheretobethreeballsonthetable?"shesaid,wrinklingherforehead.

"No,"Iansweredshortly.

"Butwhynot?"

"BecauseIwentdownbymistake."

"Butyousaidthatwhenyougotgoing,youwanted----Ican'targuebendingdownlikethis."Sheraisedherselfslowly."Yousaid----Oh,allright,Iexpectyouknow.Anyhow,Ihavescoredsomealready,haven'tI?"

"Yes.You'reeighteentomynothing."

"Yes.Well,nowIshallhavetoaimalloveragain."Shebentslowlyoverhercue."DoesitmatterwhereIhitthered?"

"Notmuch.Aslongasyouhititontheredpart."

Shehitithardontheside,andbothballscameintobaulk.

"Toogood,"Isaid.

"Doeseitherofusgetanythingforit?"

"No."Theredandthewhitewereclosetogether,andIwentupthetableanddownagainontheoff-chanceofacannon.Imisjudgedit,however.

"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidstiffly,asItookmyballoutoftheright-handbottompocket."Twenty-onetonothing."



"FunnyhowI'mdoingallthescoring,"saidCeliameditatively."AndI'vepracticallyneverplayedbefore.Ishallhittheredhardnowandseewhathappenstoit."

Shehit,andtheredcoursedmadlyaboutthetable,comingtorestnearthetopright-handpocketandclosetothecushion.WithaforcingshotIcouldgetin.

"Thiswillwantalotofchalk,"IsaidpleasantlytoCelia,andgaveitplenty.ThenIletfly....

"Whydidthatwantalotofchalk?"saidCeliawithinterest.

Iwenttothefire-placeandpickedmyballoutofthefender.

"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidcoldly."Twenty-fourtonothing."

"AmIwinning?"

"You'releading,"Iexplained."Only,yousee,Imaymakeatwentyatanymoment."

"Oh!"Shethoughtthisover."Well,Imaymakemythreeatanymoment."

Shechalkedhercueandwentovertoherball.

"WhatshallIdo?"

"Justtouchtheredontheright-handside,"Isaid,"andyou'llgointothepocket."

"Theright-handside?Doyoumeanmyright-handside,ortheball's?"

"Theright-handsideoftheball,ofcourse;thatistosay,thesideoppositeyourrighthand."

"Butitsright-handsideisoppositemylefthand,iftheballisfacingthisway."

"Takeit,"Isaidwearily,"thattheballhasitsbacktoyou."

"Howrudeofit,"saidCelia,andhititontheleft-handside,andsankit."Wasthatwhatyoumeant?"

"Well...it'sanotherwayofdoingit."

"Ithoughtitwas.WhatdoIgiveyouforthat?"

"Yougetthree."

"Oh,Ithoughttheotherpersonalwaysgotthemarks.Iknowthelastthreetimes----"

"Goon,"Isaidfreezingly."Youhaveanotherturn."

"Oh,isitlikerounders?"

"Something.Goon,there'sadear.It'sgettinglate."



Shewent,andlefttheredoverthemiddlepocket.

"A-ha!"Isaid.Ifoundaniceplaceinthe"D"formyball."Nowthen.ThisistheGraystroke,youknow."

IsupposeIwasnervous.Anyhow,Ijustnickedtheredballgentlyonthewrongsideandleftithangingoverthepocket.Thewhitetravelledslowlyupthetable.

"Whyisthatcalledthegreystroke?"askedCeliawithgreatinterest.

"Becauseonce,whenSirEdwardGreywasplayingtheGermanAmbassador--butit'sratheralongstory.I'lltellyouanothertime."

"Oh!Well,anyhow,didtheGermanAmbassadorgetanythingforit?"

"No."

"ThenIsupposeIdon't.Bother."

"Butyou'veonlygottoknocktheredinforgame."

"Oh!...There,what'sthat?"

"That'samiss-cue.Igetone."

"Oh!...Ohwell,"sheaddedmagnanimously,"I'mgladyou'vestartedscoring.Itwillmakeitmoreinterestingforyou."

Therewasjustroomtocreepinoffthered,leavingitstilloverthepocket.WithCelia'sballnicelyovertheotherpockettherewasachanceofmytwentybreak."Let'ssee,"Isaid,"howmanydoIwant?"

"Twenty-nine,"repliedCelia.

"Ah,"Isaid...andIcreptin.

"That'sthreetoyou,"Isaidicily."Game."

BURLESQUES

THESEASIDENOVELETTE

[MAYBEREADONTHEPIER]

No.XCVIII--ASIMPLEENGLISHGIRL

CHAPTERI

PRIMROSEFARM

PrimroseFarmstoodslumberinginthesunlightofanearlysummermorn.



SaveforthegentlebreezewhichplayedinthetopsofthetwotallelmsallNatureseemedatrest.Chanticleerhadceasedhissong;thepigswereasleep;inthebarnthecowlaythinking.Adeeppeacebroodedovertheruralscene,thepeaceofcenturies.Terribletothinkthatinafewshorthours...butperhapsitwon't.ThetruthisIhavenotquitedecidedwhethertohavethemurderinthisstoryorinNo.XCIX.--TheSeveredThumb.Weshallsee.

Asheralarumclock(abirthdaypresent)struckfive,GwendolenFrenchsprangoutofbedandplungedherfaceintotheclumpofnettleswhichgrewoutsideherlatticewindow.Forsomeminutesshestoodthere,breathingintheincenseoftheday;thendressingquicklyshewentdownintothegreatoak-beamedkitchentopreparebreakfastforherfatherandthepigs.Asshewentabouthersimpledutiesshesangsoftlytoherself,asongofloveandknightlydeeds.Littledidshethinkthatalover,evenatthatmoment,stoodoutsideherdoor.

"Heigh-ho!"sighedGwendolen,andshepouredthebran-mashintoabowlandtookituptoherfather'sroom.

ForeighteenyearsGwendolenFrenchhadbeenthedaughterofJohnFrenchofPrimroseFarm.EndowedbyNaturewithabeautythatisseldomseenoutsidethissortofstory,shewasyetasmodestandasgoodagirlaswastobefoundinthecounty.Manyafineladywouldhavegivenallher

Parisiandiamondsforthepeach-likecomplexionwhichbloomedonthefairfaceofGwendolen.ButthegiftsofNaturearenottobeboughtandsold.

Therewasasuddenknockatthedoor.

"Comein,"criedGwendoleninsurprise.Unlessitwasthecow,itwasanentirelyunexpectedvisitor.

Atallandhandsomeyoungmanentered,strikinghisheadviolentlyagainstabeamashesteppedintothelow-ceilingedkitchen.

"Goodmorning,"hesaid,repressingtheremarkwhichcamemorereadily

tohislips."Prayforgivethisintrusion.ThefactisIhavelostmyway,andIwonderedwhetheryouwouldbekindenoughtoinformmeastomywhereabouts."

Recognizingfromhisconversationthatshewasbeingaddressedbyagentleman,Gwendolencurtsied.

"ThisisPrimroseFarm,sir,"shesaid.

"Ifear,"herepliedwithasmile,"ithasbeenmymisfortunenevertohaveheardsocharminganamebefore.IamLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,Beltravers.HavingreturnedlastnightfromIndiaIcameoutforanearlystrollthismorning,andIfearthatIhave

wanderedoutofmydirection."

"Why,"criedGwendolen,"yourlordshipismilesfromBeltraversCastle.Howtiredandhungryyoumustbe."Sheremovedalettucefromthekitchenchair,dustedit,andofferedittohim.(Thatistosay,thechair,notthelettuce.)"Letmegetyousomemilk,"sheadded.Pickingupapail,shewentouttoinspectthecow.

"Gad,"saidLordBeltraversassoonashewasalone.Hepacedrapidlyupanddownthetiledkitchen."Deucetakeit,"headdedrecklessly,



"she'salovelygirl."TheBeltraverseswerenotedintwocontinentsfortheirhardswearing.

"Hereyouare,sir,"saidGwendolen,returningwiththepreciousliquid.

LordBeltraversseizedthepailanddraineditatadraught.

"Heavens,butthatwasgood!"hesaid."Whatwasit?"

"Milk,"saidGwendolen.

"Milk;Imustremember.AndnowmayItrespassonyourhospitalitystillfurtherbytrespassingonyourassistancesofarastosolicityourhelpinputtingmefarenoughonmypathtodiscovermywaybacktoBeltraversCastle?"(Whenhewasalonehesaidthatsentenceagaintohimself,andwonderedwhathadhappenedtoit.)

"Iwillshowyou,"shesaidsimply.

Theypassedoutintothesunlitorchard.Inanappletreeathrushwassinging;thegooseberrieswereover-ripe;beetrootswerefloweringeverywhere.

"Youareverybeautiful,"hesaid.

"Yes,"saidGwendolen.

"Imustseeyouagain.Listen!To-nightmymother,LadyBeltravers,isgivingaball.Doyoudance?"

"Alas,notthetango,"shesaidsadly.

"TheBeltraversesdonottang,"heannouncedwithsimpledignity."Youvalse?Good.Thenwillyoucome?"

"Thankyou,mylord.Oh,Ishouldloveto!"

"Thatisexcellent.AndnowImustbidyougood-bye.Butfirst,willyounottellmeyourname?"

"GwendolenFrench,mylord."

"Ah!One'f'ortwo?"

"Three,"saidGwendolensimply.

CHAPTERII

BELTRAVERSCASTLE

BeltraversCastlewasablazeoflights.Attheheadoftheoldoakstaircase(amagnificentexampleoftheSelfridgeperiod)theLadyBeltraversstoodreceivingherguests.MagnificentlygownedinoneofSweeting'slatestcreations,andwearingroundherneckthefamousBeltraversseed-pearls,shelookedthepictureofstatelymagnificence.Aseachguestwasannouncedbyabevyoffootmen,sheextendedherperfectlyglovedhandandspokeafewwordsofkindlywelcome.

"Goodevening,Duchess;sogoodofyoutolookin.Ah,Earl,charmedto



meetyou;you'llfindsomesandwichesinthebilliard-room.Beltravers,showtheEarlsomesandwiches.How-do-you-do,Professor?Delightedyoucouldcome.Won'tyoutakeoffyourgoloshes?"

Allthecountywasthere.

LordHobblewastherewearingamagnificentstud;ErasmusBelt,thefamousauthor,whosenovel,Bitten:ARomance,wentintotwoeditions;SirSeptimusRoot,theinventorofthefire-proofspat;CaptaintheHonourableAlfredNibbs,thepopularbreederofblood-tortoises--thewholeworldandhiswifewerepresent.AndtoweringabovethemallstoodLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,Beltravers.

LordBeltraversstoodaloofinacornerofthegreatball-room.Abovehisheadwastheproudcoat-of-armsoftheBeltraverses--aheadlesssardineonafieldoftomato.AseachnewarrivalenteredLordBeltraversscannedhisorhercountenanceeagerly,andthenturnedawaywithasnarlofdisappointment.Wouldhislittlecountrymaidnevercome?

Shecameatlast.AttiredinafrockwhichhadobviouslybeencreatedinLittlePopley,shelookedthepictureofgirlishinnocenceasshestoodforamomenthesitatinginthedoorway.ThenhereyesbrightenedasLordBeltraverscametowardsherwithlongswingingstrides.

"You'rehere!"heexclaimed."Howgoodofyoutocome.Ihavethoughtaboutyoueversincethismorning.Thereisavalsebeginning.Willyouvalseitwithme?"

"Thankyou,"saidGwendolenshyly.

LordBeltravers,whovalseddivinely,puthisarmroundherwaistandledherintothecircleofdancers.

CHAPTERIII

AFFIANCED

Theballwasatitsheight.Gwendolen,whohadbeenintosuppereighttimes,placedherhandtimidlyonthearmofLordBeltravers,whohadjustbeggedapolkaofher.

"Letussitthisout,"shesaid."Nothere--inthegarden."

"Yes,"saidLordBeltraversgravely."Letusgo.Ihavesomethingtosaytoyou."

Offeringherhisarm,heledherdownthegreatterracewhichranalongthebackofthehouse.

"Howwonderfultohaveyourancestorsalwaysaroundyoulikethis!"cooedGwendolen,asshegazedwithreverenceatthetwostatueswhichfrontedthem.

"Venus,"saidLordBeltraversshortly,"andSamson."

Heledherdownthestepsandintotheornamentalgarden,andtheretheysatdown.



"MissFrench,"saidLordBeltravers,"or,ifImaycallyoubythatsweetname,Gwendolen,Ihavebroughtyouhereforthepurposeofmakinganoffertoyou.PerhapsitwouldhavebeenmoreinaccordancewithetiquettehadIapproachedyourmotherfirst."

"Motherisdead,"saidthegirlsimply.

"Iamsorry,"saidLordBeltravers,bendinghisheadincourtlysympathy."InthatcaseIshouldhaveaskedyourfathertohearmysuit."

"Fatherisdeaf,"shereplied."Hecouldn'thaveheardit."

"Tut,tut,"saidLordBeltraversimpatiently."Ibegyourpardon,"headdedatonce,"Ishouldhavecontrolledmyself.Thatbeingso,"hewenton,"Ihavethehonourtomaketoyou,MissFrench,anofferofmarriage.MayIhope?"

Gwendolenputherhandsuddenlytoherheart.Theshockwastoomuchforherfreshyounginnocence.ShewasnotreallyengagedtoGilesEarwaker,thoughhe,too,washoping;andtheonlythreetimesthatThomasRitsonhadkissedhershehadthreatenedtoboxhisears.

"LordBeltravers,"shebegan----

"CallmeBeltravers,"hebegged.

"Beltravers,Iloveyou.Igiveyouasimplemaiden'sheart."

"Mydarling!"hecried,claspingherthumbimpulsively."Thenweareaffianced."

Heslippedaringoffhisfingerandfitteditaffectionatelyontwoofhers.

"Wearthis,"hesaidgravely."Itwasmymother's.ShewasadeDindigul.See,thisistheircrest--aroe-lessherringoverthemotto

Dansl'huile."ObservingthatshelookedpuzzledhetranslatedthenobleFrenchwordstoher."Andnowletusgoin.Anotherdanceisbeginning.MayIbegforthehonour?"

"Beltravers,"shewhisperedlovingly.

CHAPTERIV

EXPOSURE

Thenextdancewasatitsheight.InadreamofhappinessGwendolenrevolvedwithclosedeyesroundLordBeltravers,ofBeltraversCastle,

Beltravers.

Suddenlyabovethemusicroseavoice,commanding,threatening.

"Stop!"criedtheLadyBeltravers.

Asifbymagicthebandceasedandallthedancerswerestill.

"Thereisanintruderhere,"saidLadyBeltraversinacoldvoice."Amilkmaid,acommonfarmer'sdaughter.GwendolenFrench,leavemyhouse



thisinstant!"

Dazed,hardlyknowingwhatshedid,Gwendolenmovedforward.InaninstantLordBeltraverswasafterher.

"No,mother,"hesaid,withtheutmostdignity."Notacommonmilkmaid,butthefutureLadyBeltravers."

Anindescribablethrillofemotionranthroughthecrowdedball-room.LordHobble'sstudfellout;andLadySusanGolightlyhurriedacrosstheroomandfaintedinthearmsofSirJamesBatt.

"What!"criedtheLadyBeltravers."Myson,thelastoftheBeltraverses,theBeltraverseswhocameoverwithJuliusWernher,IshouldsayCÃ¦sar,marryamilkmaid?"

"No,mother.Heismarryingwhatanymanwouldbeproudtomarry--asimpleEnglishgirl."

Therewasacheer,instantlysuppressed,fromaSocialistintheband.

ForjustamomentwordsfailedtheLadyBeltravers.Thenshesankintoachair,andwavedherguestsaway.

"Theballisover,"shesaidslowly."Leaveme.MysonandImustbealone."

Onebyone,withmurmuredthanksforadelightfulevening,thegueststroopedout.Soonmotherandsonwerealone.LordBeltravers,gazingoutofthewindow,sawthe'cellistlaboriouslydragginghis'celloacrossthepark.

CHAPTERV

THEEND

[Andnow,dearreaders,Iaminadifficulty.Howshallthestorygoon?TheeditorofTheSeasideLibraryasksquitefranklyforamurder.HisideawasthattheLadyBeltraversshouldbefounddeadintheparknextmorningandthatGwendolenshouldbearrested.Thisseemstomebothcrudeandvulgar.Besides,IwantamurderforNo.XCIX.oftheseries--TheSeveredThumb.

No,IthinkIknowabetterwayout.]

.....

OldJohnFrenchsatbeneathaspreadingpeartree,andwaited.Earlythatmorningamysteriousnotehadbeenbroughttohim,askingforan

interviewonamatteroftheutmostimportance.Thiswasthetrysting-place.

"Ihavecome,"saidavoicebehindhim,"toaskyoutobegyourdaughter----

"IHAVECOME,"criedtheLadyBeltravers,"TOASKYOU----

"IHAVECOME,"shoutedherladyship,"TO----"



JohnFrenchwheeledroundinamazement.WithacrytheLadyBeltraversshrankback.

"Eustace,"shegasped--"Eustace,EarlofTurbot!"

"Eliza!"

"Whatareyoudoinghere?IcametoseeJohnFrench."

"What?"heasked,withhishandtohisear.

Sherepeatedherremarkloudlyseveraltimes.

"IamJohnFrench,"hesaidatlast."WhenyourefusedmeandmarriedBeltraversIsuddenlyfelttiredofSociety;andIchangedmynameandsettleddownhereasasimplefarmer.Mydaughterhelpsmeonthefarm."

"Thenyourdaughteris----"

"LadyGwendolenHake."

.....

AbeautifuldoubleweddingwassolemnizedatBeltraversinOctober,the

EarlofTurbotleadingEliza,LadyBeltraverstothealtar,whileLordBeltraverswasjoinedinmatrimonytothebeautifulLadyGwendolenHake.Thereweremanypresentsonbothsides,whichpartookequallyofthebeautifulandthecostly.

LadyGwendolenBeltraversisnowthemostpopularhostessinthecounty;buttoherhusbandshealwaysseemsthesimpleEnglishmilkmaidthathefirstthoughther.Ah!

THESECRETOFTHEARMY

AEROPLANE

[InthethrillingmannerofMr.WilliamleQueux.]

"Yes,"saidmyfriend,RayRaymond,asagrimsmilecrossedhistypicallyEnglishface,lookingroundthechamberswhichwesharedtogether,thoughheneverhadoccasiontopractise,thoughIunfortunatelyhad,"itisaverycuriousaffairindeed."

"Tellusthewholefacts,Ray,"urgedVeraVallance,theprettyfair-haireddaughterofAdmiralSirCharlesVallance,towhomhewas

engaged.

"Well,dear,theyarebrieflyasfollows,"hereplied,withanaffectionateglanceather."ItiswellknownthattheGermansareanxioustogetholdofournewaeroplane,andthatthesecretofitisatpresentlockedintheinventor'sbreast.LastTuesdayamanwithhismoustachebrushedupthewrongwayalightedatBasingstokestationandenquiredfortherefreshment-room.Thisleadsmetobelievethatadastardlyattemptisabouttobemadetowrestthesupremacyoftheairfromourgrasp!"ImmediatelyIswooned.



"AndeveninthefaceofthistheGovernmentdeniestheactivityofGermanspiesinEngland!"IexclaimedbitterlyassoonasIhadrecoveredconsciousness.

"Jacox,"saidmyoldfriend,"asapatriotitisnonethelessmydutytoexposethesemiscreants.To-morrowwegotoBasingstoke."

NextThursday,then,sawusensconcedinourprivatesitting-roomattheBullHotel,Basingstoke.OnourwayfromthestationIhadnoticedhowill-preparedthetownwastoresistinvasion,andIhadpointedthisoutbitterlytomydearoldfriend,RayRaymond.

"Yes,"heremarked,grimly;"anditissimplyinfestedwithspies.Jack,mysurmisesareprovingcorrect.Therewillbedangerousworkafootto-night.Haveyoubroughtyourelectrictorchwithyou?"

"SincethatRosythaffair,Inevertravelwithoutit,"Ireplied,asIstoodwithmybacktothecheapmantel-shelfsocommoninEnglishhotels.

Thenightwasdark,thereforeweproceededwithcautionaswelefttheinn.TheactionsofRayRaymondwerecurious.Aswepassedeachtelegraphpolehestoppedandsaidgrimly,"Ah,Ithoughtso";anddrew

hisrevolver.Whenwehadcoveredfifteenmileswelookedatourwatchesbytheaidofourelectrictorchesanddiscoveredthatitwastimetogetbacktothehotelunlesswewishedourpresence,orratherabsence,tobemadeknowntotheGermanspies;thereforewereturnedhastily.

NextmorningRaywasrecalledtotownbyanurgenttelegram,thereforeIwasleftaloneatBasingstoketofoilthedastardlyspies.Istayedthereforthirteenweeks,andthenwentwithmyoldfriendtoGrimsby,hehavingreceivednewsthataGermanhairdresser,namedMacdonald,wasresidentinthattown.

"MydearJack,"saidmyfriendRayRaymond,hisfaceassumingthesphinx-likeexpressionbywhichIknewthathehadformedsometheory

forthedestructionofhiscountry'sdastardlyenemies,"to-nightweshallcometogripswiththeTeuton!"

"Andyet,"Icried,"theGovernmentrefusestoadmittheactivityofGermanspiesinEngland!"

"Ha!"saidmyfriendgrimly.

Heopenedasmallblackbagandproducedadarklantern,acoilofstrongsilkrope,andasmallbutserviceablejemmy.Allthatburglariousoutfitbelongedtomyfriend!

Atthismomenttheprettyfairgirltowhomhewasengaged,Vera

Vallance,arrived,butreturnedtoLondonbythenexttrain.

Atteno'clockweproceededcautiouslytothehouseofMacdonaldthehairdresser,whomRayhaddiscoveredtobeaGermanspy!

"Haveyouyourelectrictorchwithyou?"inquiredmydearoldcollegefriend.

"Ihave,"Iansweredgrimly.



"Good!Thenletusenter!"

"Youmeantobreakin?"Icried,amazedattheaudacityofmyfriend.

"Bah!"hesaid."Spiesarealwayscowards!"

Thereforeweknockedatthedoor.Itwasopenedbytwomen,theelderofwhomgaveventtoaquickGermanimprecation.Theyoungerhadashortbeard.

"YouareaGermanspy?"enquiredRayRaymond.

"No,"repliedthebeardedGermaninverygoodEnglish,addingwithmarvellouscoolness:"Towhat,pray,doweowethisunwarrantableintrusion?"

"TothefactthatyouareaspywhohasbeentakingsecrettracingsofourArmyaeroplane!"retortedmyfriend.

Butthespyonlylaughedinopendefiance.

"Well,there'snolawagainstit,"hereplied.

"No,"retortedRaygrimly,"thankstothestupidityofacrass

Government,thereisnolawagainstit.""MyGod!"Isaidhoarsely,andmyfacewentthecolourofashes.

"ButmyoldfriendJacass--ImeanJacox--andI,"continuedRayRaymond,fixingthemiserablespywithhiseye,"havedecidedtotakethelawintoourownhands.Ihavemyrevolverandmyfriendhashiselectrictorch.Givemethetracings."

"Gott--no!"criedtheGermanspiesinGerman."Never,youEnglishcur!"

ButRayhadalreadyextractedaletterfromtheelderman'spocket,andwasmakingforthedoor!Ifollowedhim.Whenwegotbacktoourhotel

hedrewtheletterfromhispocketandeagerlyexaminedit.Igivehereanexactcopyofit,andImaystatethatwhenwesentittoHisMajesty'sMinisterforWarhereturneditwithoutaword!

"BERKELEYCHAMBERS,CANNONSTREET,E.C.DEARSIR,--Inreplytoyoursofthe29thult.webegtosaythatwecandoyouagoodlineinshavingbrushesatthefollowingwholesaleprices:Badger70s.agross.PureBadger75s.agross.RealBadger80s.agross.Awaitingyouresteemedorder,whichweshallhavepleasurein

promptlyexecuting,Weare,sir,Yoursobediently,WILKINSONandALLBUTT.MR.JAMESMACDONALD."

Thatletter,innocentenoughuponthefaceofit,containeddastardlyinstructionsfromtheChiefofPolicetoaGermanspy!ReadbythealphabeticalcodesuppliedtoeveryGermansecretagentinEngland,itranasfollows:



(Phrase1)."Discoverwithoutdelaysecretofnewaeroplane."

(Phrase2)."Forwardparticularsofbestplanforblowingup(1)PortsmouthDockyard.(2)WoolwichArsenal.(3)AlbertMemorial."

(Phrase3)."BecarefulofJackJacox.Hecarriesarevolverandanelectrictorch."

"Ah!"saidmyfriendgrimly,"wewereonlyjustintime.Hadwedelayedlonger,Englandmighthavekneltattheproudfootofaconqueror!"

"Ha!"Irepliedbriefly.

NextmorningwereturnedtothechamberswhichwesharedtogetherinLondon,andwerejoinedbyVeraVallance,theprettyfairdaughterofAdmiralSirCharlesVallance,towhommyoldfriendwasengaged.And,ashestrokedherhairaffectionately,IrealisedthankfullythatheandIhadindeedbeentheinstrumentsofProvidenceinfoilingtheplotsoftheGermanspies!

BUTHOWWILLITALLEND?

WHENWILLGERMANYSTRIKE?

THEHALOTHEYGAVETHEMSELVES

[AcollaborationbytheAuthorsof"TheBrokenHalo"and"TheWomanThouGavestMe."]

CHAPTERI

SUNDAYMORNING

(MRS.BARCLAYbegins)

ItwasabeautifulSundaymorning.AllnaturebrowsedinsolemnSabbathstillness.TheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Lightwashurrying,somewhatlate,tochurch.

DownthewhiteribbonofroadtheVirileBenedictoftheLibrariescamebicycling,treadlingeasilyfromtheankles.Herodeboldly,withonlyonehandonthehandle-bars,theotherinthepocketofhiswhiteflannelcricketingtrousers.Hisfootballingtie,withhiscollegearmsembroidereduponit,flappedgentlyinthebreeze.Tolookathimyou

wouldhavesaidthathewasprobablyacrackpoloplayeronhiswaytodefendthechampionshipagainstallcomers,orthecaptainofacountygolfeleven.Asherode,hissouloverflowingwiththejoyoflife,hehummedtheCollectfortheDay.

ItwasexactlyoppositethechurchthatheranintotheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Light.Hehadjustflashedpastalabourerintheroad--knowntohiscroniesastheFlap-earedDenizenoftheTurnip-patch--alabourerwhointhedeardeaddaysofQueenVictoriawouldhavetouchedhishathumbly,butwhonow,inthishorribleageof



attemptstolevelallclassdistinctions,actuallywentonlightinghispipe!Alas,thattherespectfuldeferenceofthepoortowardtherichisnowathingofthepast!SothoughttheVirileBenedictoftheLibraries,andinthinkingthishehadlethismindwanderfromtheimportantbusinessofguidinghisbicycle!InanothermomenthehadrunintotheLittleGreyWomanoftheNight-Light!

Shehadseenhimcomingandhadgivenawarningcry,butitwastoolate.Thenextmomentheshotoverhishandle-bars;butevenasherevolvedthroughtheairhewonderedhowoldshereallywas,andwhat,ifany,washerincome.ForsincethedeathoftheLittleWhiteLadyhehadformedahabitofmarryingelderlywomenfortheirmoney,andhisfifthorsixthwifehadperishedofoldageonlyafewmonthsago.

[HallCaine(wakingup).Who,pray,istheLittleWhiteLady?

Mrs.Barclay.Hisfirstwife.Shecomesinmybook,"TheBrokenHalo,"nowinitstwohundredthedition.

HallCaine(annoyed).Tut!]

"Jove,"hesaidcheerily,ashepickedhimselfandherandhisbicycleup,"thatwasanastyspill.AsmyAuntLouisausedtosaytothecuratewhenheupsetthemilk-jugintoherlap,'Nomilk,thankyou.'"His

browneyesdancedwithamusementasherelatedthisreminiscenceofhisboyhood.TotheLittleGreyWomanheseemedtoexhaleyouthfromeverypore.

"WhatdidyourAuntLouisasaywhenheranklewassprained?"sheaskedwitharuefulsmile.

InaninstantthemerrybanterfadedfromtheVirileBenedict'sbrowneyes,andwasreplacedbythecommandinglookofonewhohastakenabrilliantdegreeinallhismedicalexaminations.

"Allowme,"hesaidbrusquely;"Iamadoctor."Hebentdownandlistenedtoherankle.

ItdidnottakeDr.DickCameron'squickearlongtofindoutalltherewastoknow.Hismannerbecameverygentleandhisvoiceverylow;and,thoughhecontinuedtoexhaleyouth,hediditlessostentatiouslythanbefore.

"Imustcarryyouhome,"hesaid,pickingherupinhisstrongyoungarms;"youcannotgotochurchto-day."

"Butthecurateispreaching!"

Dr.Dickmurmuredsomethingprofaneunderhisbreathaboutcurates.Hehad,alas!thesemomentsofirreverence;as,forinstance,onone

occasionwhenhehadspokenofMr.LouisN.Parker'snoblepicture-play,"JosephandhisBrethren,"quiteshortlyas"Jos.Bros."

"Iwillcarryyouhome,"hesaidgently."Tellmewhereyoulive,LittleGreyWoman."

Shesmiledupathimbravely."TheManorHouse,"shesaid.

Hisvoicebecameyetmoregentle."Andnowtellmeyourincome,"hewhispered;andhiswholebeingtrembledwithemotionashewaitedfor



herreply.

[Mrs.Barclay.There!That'stheendofthechapter.Nowit'syourturn.

HallCaine(wakingup).Idon'tknowifItoldyouthatinmylastgreatworkoftheimagination,inwhichIcollaboratedwiththeBishopofLondon,Iwrotethroughoutinthefirstperson.Nearlyamillioncopiesweresold,thusshowingthattheheartofthegreatpublicapprovedofmymethodoftellingmystorythroughthemouthofayoungandinnocentgirl,exposedtogreattemptation.Ishouldwish,therefore,torepeatthatmethodinthisstory,ifyoucouldsoarrangeit.

Mrs.Barclay.Butthat'seasy.TheLittleGreyWomanshalltellDr.Dickthestoryofherfirstmarriage.Ididthatinmylastbook,"TheBrokenHalo,"nowinitstwohundredthedition.


CHAPTERII

UNDERTHECEDAR

(MRS.BARCLAYcontinues)

Theywerehavingteainthegarden--theLittleGreyWomanandDr.Dick.Morethansixmonthshadelapsedsincetheaccidentoutsidethechurch,andDr.DickstillremainedonattheManorHouseinchargeofhispatient,wishingtobehandyincasetheoldspraincameonagainsuddenly.Shewaseighty-twoandhadtwelvethousandayear.Onthelawnathrushwassinging.

"Howfreshandgreentheworldisto-day,"sighedDr.Dick,leaningbackandexhalingyouth."AsthecurateusedtosaytomyAuntLouisa,'Adelightfulshoweraftertherain.'"Helaughedmerrily,andthrewa

crumbatthethrushwiththeperfectaimofagoodcricketerthrowingtheballatthewickets.

"Mydearboy,"saidtheLittleGreyWoman,"theworldisalwaysfreshandgreentoyouthlikeyours.Buttoanoldwomanlikeme----"

"Notold,"saidDick,withanardentglance;"onlyeighty-two.Mrs.Beauchamp,willyoumarryme?"

Shelookedathimwithasadbuttendersmile.

"Whatwouldmyfriendssay?"sheasked.

"Botheryourfriends."

"Mydearboy,youwouldbeconsiderablysurprisedifyoucouldglancethroughanapproximatelistofthefriendsIpossessto-day.DoyouknowthatifImarryyouIshallberequiredtomakeanexplanationtoseveralroyalladies--thatis,iftheygraciouslygrantmetheopportunitysotodo."

"ButIwantyourmon--ImeanIloveyou,"hepleaded,thelightofyouthshininginhisbrowneyes.



TheLittleGreyWomanlookedathimtenderly.Theireyesmet.

"Listen,"shesaid."Iwilltellyouthestoryofmyfirstmarriage,andthenifyouwishyoushallaskmeagain."

Dr.Dickhelpedhimselftoanothersliceofcakeandleantbacktolisten.

[Mrs.Barclay.Thereyouare.NowyoucandoChapterThree.

HallCaine.Excellent.Itisquitetimethatonegotsomeemotionintothisstory.In"TheWomanThouGavestMe,"ofwhichmorethanamillion----

Mrs.Barclay.Emotion,indeed!Mylastbookisalreadyinitstwohundredthedition.


CHAPTERIII

MRS.BEAUCHAMP'SSTORY

(MR.HALLCAINEtakesupthetale)

Ihavealwayshadawonderfulmemory,andmyearliestrecollectionisofhearingmyfatherask,onthedaywhenIwasborn,whetheritwasaboyoragirl.Whentheytoldhim"agirl,"heletfallaroughexpressionwhichsentthebloodcoursingovermymother'spalecheekslikelobster-saucecoursingoveraturbot.Myfather,JohnBoomster,wasagreatadvertisingagent,perhapsthegreatestintheisland,thoughhealwayssaidthattherewasonemanwhocouldbeathim.Hewantedasontosucceedhiminthebusiness,andintheyearstocomeheneverforgavemeforbeingagirl.Hewouldoftenglareatmeinsilenceforthree-quartersofanhour,andthen,lettingfallthesamerough

expression,throwabootatmeandstridefromtheroom.Ahard,cruelman,myfather,andyet,inhisfashion,hewasfondofme.

ItwasnotuntilIwaseighteenthathefirstspoketome.TomydyingdayIshallneverforgetthatevening;norhiswords,whichbitthemselvesintomymindasared-hotironbitesitswayintocheese.

"Nell,"hesaid,forthatwasmyname,thoughhehadneveruseditbefore,"I'vearrangedthatyouaretomarryLordWurzeltwomonthsfromto-day."

Attheseterriblewordsthebloodebbedslowlyfrommyearsandmyhandsgrewhot.

"Idonotknowhim,"Isaidinastifledvoice.

"Youwillto-morrow,"helaughedbrutally,andwithanotherroughwordhestrodefromtheroom.

LordWurzel!Iranupstairstomyroomandflungmyselffacedownwardsonthebed.InmyagonyIbitalargepieceoutofmypillow.Thebloodflowedforwardandbackwardovermeinwaves,andIbursteverynowandthenintoapassionofweeping.



ByandbyIbegantofeelmoreserene.Idecidedthatitwasmydutytoobeymyfather.Myheartleaptwithinmeatthethoughtofdoingmyduty,andtocalmmyselfIputonmyhatandwanderedintotheglen.Itwasverysilentintheglen.Therewasnosoundbuttherustlingoftheleavesoverhead,thepoppingoftheinsectsunderfoot,thesneezingofthecattle,thewhistlingofthepigs,thecoughingofthefield-mice,theroaringoftherabbits,andthedeeporgan-songofthesea.

Butsuddenly,aboveallthesenoises,Iheardavoicewhichsentthebloodebbingandflowinginmyheartandcausedthebackofmynecktoquiverwithecstasy.

"Nell!"itsaid.

Itwasthevoiceofmyoldcomrade,AndrewSpinnaker,whohadplayedwithmeinourchildhood'sdays,andwhomIhadnotseennowforeightyears.

"Andrew!"Icried,asIturnedround."Whatareyoudoinghere?"

"IamjustofftodiscovertheSouthPole,"hesaid."Myshipmatesarewaitingformetocommandtheexpedition."

Inoticedthenforthefirsttimethathewasdressedinaseal-skincapandapairofsleeping-bags.

"Nell,"hewenton,"beforeIgo,tellmeyouloveme."

Myheartflutteredlikeacapturedbird;mykneestrembledlikeadrunkenspider's;mythroatwasstifledlikeastifledthroat.Ahugewaveofsomethingorothersurgedovermeandtoldmethatthegreatmysteryoftheworldhadhappenedtome.

Iwasinlove.

IwasinlovewithAndrewSpinnaker.

"Andrew,"Icried,fallingonhisstartledchin,"Iloveyou."Allthebackofmyneckthrilledwithjoy.

Butmyjoywasshortlived.NosoonerhadIbecomeawarethatIlovedAndrewSpinnakerthanmyconsciencetoldmeIhadnorighttodoso.IwasgoingtomarryLordWurzel,andtoloveanotherthanmyhusbandwassin.IshookAndrewoffmylips.

"Iloveyou,"Isaid,"butIcannotmarryyou.IammarryingLordWurzel."

"Thatbeast?"criedAndrew,intheimpetuoussailorfashionwhichso

endearedhimtohisshipmates."WhenIcomebackIwillthrashhimasIwouldthrashaviciousape."

"Whenwillthatbe?"

"Inabouttwomonths,"saidmydarlingboy."Thisisgoingtobeaveryquickexpedition."

"Alas,thatwillbemyweddingday,"Isaidwithalowsoblikethatofabuffaloyearningforitsmate."Itwillbetoolate."



Andrewtookmeinhisstrongarms.Ishouldnothavelethim,butIcouldnothelpit.

"Listen,"hesaid,"IwillstartbackfromthePoleadaybeforemyshipmates,andsaveyoufromthatd-sh-dbeast.AndthenIwillmarryyou,Nell."

Therewasaroaringinmyearsliketheroaringofthebathwhenthetapislefton;manywatersseemedtorushuponme;myhatfelloff,andthendeepoblivioncameovermeandIswooned.

.....

Togothroughmyemotionsindetailduringthenexttwomonthswouldbebuttoharrowyouneedlessly.SufficeittosaythatseventeentimesIflungmyselffacedownwardsonmybedandbitapieceoutofthepillow,ontwenty-nineoccasionsthebloodebbedslowlyfrommyface,andmyheartflutteredlikeacapturedbird,whileinahundredandfortyinstancesawaveofemotionsurgedslowlyovermywholebody,leavingmetremblinglikeanaspenleaf.Otherwisemyhealthremainedgood.

Itwasthenightbeforethewedding.ThebadLordWurzelhadjustleftmewithwordsofloveuponhislyinglips.To-morrow,unlessAndrew

Spinnakersavedme,IshouldbeLadyWurzel."Amarconigramforyou,miss,"saidourfaithfuloldgardener,William,enteringthedrawing-roomnoiselesslybythechimney."Ibroughtitmyselftobesureyougotit."

WithtremblingfingersItoreitopen.HowmyheartleaptandthehotcolourfloodedmyneckandbrowwhenIrecognisedthedearschoolboywritingofmybelovedAndrew!Ihavethemessagestill.Itwentlikethis:

"Wireless--SouthPole.Arrivedsafe.FoundPole.Weathercharming.Bluesky.Notabreath

ofwind.Amwearingmythicksocks.Sunnevergoingdown.Constellationsrevolvingwithoutdipping.Moongoingsideways.AmstartingforEnglandto-morrow.ArriveVictoriatwelveo'clock,Wednesday.--ANDREW."

BackonWednesday!Andto-morrowwasTuesday--myweddingday!Therewasnohope.Ifeltlikeashipwreckedvoyager.Forthethirty-fifthtimesincethebeginningofthemonthdeepoblivioncameoverme,andIswooned.

[HallCaine.Ithinkyoumightgoonnow.Ihaveputalittlelifeintothestory.Itis,perhaps,notquitesovividasmylastwork,"TheWomanThouGavestMe,"ofwhichmorethanamillioncopies----

Mrs.Barclay.Inthetwohundredtheditionof"TheBrokenHalo"----


CHAPTERIV

THEEND



(MRS.BARCLAYresumes)

AtthispointinTheLittleGreyWoman'sstoryhandsomeDr.Dickputdownhisthirdpieceofcakeandgotup.Therewasabaffledlookonhisvirilefacewhichnoneofhispreviouswiveshadeverseenthere.ForonceDr.Dickwasnonplussed!

"Istheremuchmoreofyourstory?"heasked.

"Fivehundredandnineteenpages,"shesaid.

TheVirileBenedictoftheLibrariestookuphishat.Neverhadheexhaledyouthsoviolently,yetneverhadhelookedsuchaman.Hehadmadeuphismind.Shewasrich;but,afterall,moneywasnoteverything.

"Good-bye,"hesaid.

ADIDACTICNOVEL

[InhumbleimitationofMr.EUSTACEMILES'SserialinHealthwardHo!

(Help!),andinfurtheranceofthegreatprincipleofself-culture]

THEMYSTERYOFGORDONSQUARE

SYNOPSISOFPREVIOUSCHAPTERS

RogerDangerfield,thefamousbarrister,ispassingthroughGordonSquareoneDecembernightwhenhesuddenlycomesacrossthedeadbodyofamanofaboutfortyyears.Tohishorrorherecognisesittobethatofhisfriend,SirEustaceButt,M.P.,whohasbeenstabbedinsevenplaces.Muchperturbedbytheincident,Rogergoeshomeanddecidestoleadanewlife.HithertohehadbeennotoriousintheLondonclubsfor

hisluxurioushabits,butnowherisesat7.30everymorningandbreathesevenlythroughthenoseforfiveminutesbeforedressing.

Afterthreeweeksofthebreathingexercise,Rogeraddsafewsimplelungestohismorningdrill.Detective-InspectorFrenchardtellshimthathehasacluetothedeathofSirEustace,butthatthemurdererisstillatlarge.RogersellshisLondonhouseandtakesacottageinthecountry,wherehepractisesthesimplelife.Heisnowlungingtentimestotheright,tentimestotheleftandtentimesbackwardseverymorning,besidesbreathinglightlythroughthenoseduringhisbath.

OnedayhemeetsaYogi,whotellshimthatifhedesirestotrackthemurdererdownhemustlearnconcentration.HesuggeststhatRogershould

startbyconcentratingontheword"wardrobe,"andthenleavesthisstoryandgoesbacktoIndia.Rogersellshishouseinthecountryandcomesbacktotown,whereheconcentratesforhalfanhourdailyontheword"wardrobe,"besides,ofcourse,perseveringwithhisbreathingandlungingexercises.Afteraheavymorning'sdrillheispassingthroughGordonSquarewhenhecomesacrossthebodyofhisoldfriend,SirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.,whohasbeenstabbedninetimes.Rogerreturnshomequickly,anddecidestopractisebreathingthroughtheears.



CHAPTERXCI

PREPARATION

TheappallingdeathofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.,followingsocloselyuponthatofSirEustaceButt,M.P.,meantthebeginningofanewlifeforRoger.Hismorningdrillnowtookthefollowingform:--

Onrisingat7.30a.m.hesippedaglassofdistilledwater,atthesametimeconcentratingontheword"wardrobe."Thislastedfortenminutes,afterwhichhestoodbeforetheopenwindowforfiveminutes,breathingalternatelythroughtherightearandtheleft.Avigorousseriesoflungesfollowed,togetherwiththesimplekickingexercisesdetailedinchapterLIV.

Theseover,therewasabriefintervalofrest,duringwhichourhero,breathingheavilythroughthebackofthehead,concentratedontheword"dough-nut."Refreshedbythementaldiscipline,heroseandstoodlightlyontheballofhisleftfoot,atthesametimemassaginghimselfvigorouslybetweentheshoulderswithhisright.Afterfiveminutesofthishewouldrestagain,lyingmotionlessexceptforacircularmovementoftheears.Acoldbath,abriskrubdownandanotherglassofdistilledwatercompletedthemorningtraining.

Butitistimewegotonwiththestory.ThemurderofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.hadsentathrillofhorrorthroughEngland,andhundredsofpeoplewroteindignantletterstothePress,blamingthepolicefortheirneglecttodiscovertheassassin.Detective-InspectorFrenchard,however,washardatwork,andhewasinspiredbytheknowledgethathecouldalwaysrelyupontheassistanceofRogerDangerfield,thefamousbarrister,whohadsworntotrackthemurdererdown.

TopreparehimselffortheforthcomingstruggleRogerdecided,onesunnydayinJune,togiveupthemeatdietuponwhichhehadreliedsolong,andtodevotehimselfentirelytoavegetablerÃ©gime.Withthatthoroughnesswhichwasnowbecomingacharacteristicofhim,heleftLondonandreturnedtothecountry,withtheintentionofmakingastudy

offoodvalues.

CHAPTERXCII

LOVECOMESIN

ItwasabeautifuldayinJulyandthecountrywaslookingitsbest.Rogerroseat7.30a.m.andperformedthosegentle,health-givingexerciseswhichhavealreadybeendescribedinpreviouschapters.Onthisgloriousmorning,however,headdedasimpleexercisefortheelbowstohiscustomaryones,andwentdowntohisbreakfastashungryastheproverbialhunter.Asubstantialmealoffivedriedbeansanda

stewednutawaitedhiminthefineoak-panelledlibrary;andashedidamplejusticetothebanquethisthoughtswentbacktotheterribledayswhenhelivedtheluxuriousmeat-eatinglifeoftheordinaryman-about-town;totheeveningwhenhediscoveredthebodyofSirEustaceButt,M.P.,andsworetobringtheassassintovengeance;tothedaywhen----

Suddenlyherealisedthathisthoughtswerewandering.Withironwillhecontrolledthemandconcentratedfixedlyontheword"dough-nut"fortwelveminutes.Greatlyrefreshed,heroseandstrodeoutintothesun.



Atthedoorofhiscottageagirlwasstanding.Shewasextremelybeautiful,andRoger'sheartwouldhavejumpedifhehadnothadthatorgan(thankstoTwistingExercise23)underperfectcontrol.

"IsthisthewaytoDenfield?"sheasked.

"Straighton,"saidRoger.

Hereturnedtohiscottage,breathingheavilythroughhisears.

CHAPTERXCIII

ANOTHERSURPRISE

Sixmonthswentby,andthemurdererofSirJoshuaTubbs,M.P.andSirEustaceButt,M.P.stillremainedatlarge.RogerhadsoldhiscottageinthecountryandwasnowinLondon,performinghisexerciseswithregularity,concentratingdailyuponthewords"wardrobe,""dough-nut,"and"wasp,"andlivingentirelyuponproteids.

OnedayhehadtheideathathewouldstartarestaurantintheEast-Endforthesaleofmeatlessfoods.Thiswouldbringhimintouchwiththe

lowerclasses,amongwhomheexpectedtofindtheassassinofhistwooldestfriends.

Inlessthanthreeorfouryearstheshopwasatremendoussuccess.Inspiteofthis,however,Rogerdidnotneglecthisexercises;takingparticularcaretokeepthetoeswellturnedinwhenlungingtentimesbackwards.(Exercise17.)Once,tohisjoy,thegirlwhomhehadfirstmetoutsidehiscountrycottagecameinandhadhersimplelunchofSmilopat(ninepencethedab)athisshop.Thateveninghelungedtwelvetimestotherightinsteadoften.

OnedaybusinesshadtakenRogertotheWest-End.AshewasreturninghomeatmidnightthroughGordonSquare,hesuddenlystoppedand

staggeredback.

Abodylayonthegroundbeforehim!

Hastilyturningitoveruponitsface,Rogergaveacryofhorror.

ItwasDetective-InspectorFrenchard!Stabbedinelevenplaces!

Rogerhurriedmadlyhome,anddevisedanentirelynewsetofexercisesforhismorningdrill.Afulldescriptionofthese,however,mustbereservedforanotherchapter.

(Andsoonforever.)

MERELYPLAYERS

ONTHEBAT'SBACK



Withtheideaofbrighteningcricket,myfriendTwyfordhasgivenmeanewbat.Ihavealwaysfeltthat,inmyowncase,itwastheinadequacyoftheweaponratherthanofthemanbehinditwhichaccountedforacertainmonotonyoflow-scoring;withthisnewbatIhopetoprovethecorrectnessofmytheory.

Myoldbathasalwaysbeenatrier,butoflateithasbeenmanifestlypastitswork.Againandagainitsdriveoverlong-off'sheadhasfailedtocarrythebunkeratmid-off.Morethanonceithasproveditselfaninchtoonarrowtoensurethatcut-past-third-man-to-the-boundarywhichisconsideredoneofthemostgracefulstrokesinmyrepertoire.Worstofall,Ihavefounditatmomentsofcrisis(suchasthebeginningofthefirstover)utterlyinadequatetodealwiththeballwhichkeepslow.Whenbowledbysuchaball--andImaysaythatIamneverbowledbyanyother--IlookreproachfullyatthebottomofmybatasIwalkbacktothepavilion."Surely,"Isaytoit,"youweremuchlongerthanthiswhenwestartedout?"

Perhapsitwasnotmagnanimousalwaystoputtheblameonmypartnerforouraccidentstogether.Itwouldhavebeenmorechivalroustohaveshieldedhim."No,no,"Ishouldhavesaidtomycompanionsastheyreceivedmewithsympatheticmurmursof"Badluck,"--"no,no,you

mustn'tthinkthat.Itwasmyownfault.Don'treproachthebat."Itwouldhavebeenwelltohavespokenthus;andindeed,whenIhadhadtimetocollectmyself,Ididsospeak.Butoutonthefield,inthefirstshameofdefeat,Ihadtoletthetruthcomeout.ThatonereproachfulglanceatmybatIcouldnothide.

Buttherewasonehabitofmybat's--aweaknessofoldage,Iadmit,butnotthelessannoying--aboutwhichitwasmydutytoletalltheworldknow.One'sgrandfathermayhaveapassionforthegumonthebackofpostage-stamps,andonehushesitup;butifhebedeafthevisitormustbewarned.Mybathadacertainloosenessintheshoulder,sothat,atanyquickmovementofit,itclicked.IfIstrucktheballwellandtrulyinthedirectionofpointthisdefectdidnotmatter;butifthe

ballwentpastmeintothehandsofthewicket-keeper,anunobservantbowlerwouldfrequentlysay,"How'sthat?"Andanill-informedumpirewouldreply,"Out."Itwasmydutybeforethegamebegantotakethevisitingumpireononesideandgivehimapracticaldemonstrationoftheclick...

Butthesearetroublesofthepast.Ihavemynewbatnow,andIcanseethatcricketwillbecomeadifferentgameforme.Mypracticeofthismorninghasconvincedmeofthis.Itwasnotoneofyourstupidpracticesatthenet,withtwoburlyprofessionalsbumpingdownballsatyourbodyandtellingyouto"Comeouttothem,Sir."Itwasaquietpracticeinmyroomsafterbreakfast,withnomovingobjecttodistractmyattentionandspoilmystroke.Thebatcomesupwell.Itislight,

andyetthereisplentyofwoodinit.Itsdrivesalongthecarpetwereexcellent;itscutsandlegglidesallthatcouldbewished.Iwasalittledisappointedwithitshalf-armhook,whichdislodgedateacupandgavewhatwouldhavebeenaneasycatchtomid-onstandingcloseinbythesofa;butIamconvincedthatalittleoilwillsoonputthatright.

Andyetthereseemedtobesomethinglackinginit.Aftertryingeverystrokewithit;aftertuckingitundermyarmandwalkingbacktothebathroom,touchingmycapatthepianolaontheway;afterexperimentswithitinallpositions,Istillfeltthattherewassomethingwanting



tomakeittheperfectbat.SoIputitinacabandwentroundwithittoHenry.Henryhasbrightenedfirst-classcricketforsomeyearsnow.

"Tellme,Henry,"Isaid,"what'swrongwiththisbat?"

"Itseemsallright,"hesaid,afterwavingitabout."Ratheragoodone."

Ilaiditdownonthefloorandlookedatit.ThenIturneditonitsfaceandlookedatit.AndthenIknew.

"Itwantsalittlesilvershieldontheback,"Isaid."That'sit."

"Why,isitapresentationbat?"askedHenry.

"Inasense,yes.ItwaspresentedtomebyTwyford."

"Whatfor?"

"Really,"Isaidmodestly,"Ihardlylike----Whydopeoplegiveonethings?Affection,Henry;pity,generosity--er----"

"Areyougoingtoputthatontheshield?'Presentedoutofsheerpityto----'"

"Don'tbesilly;ofcoursenot.Ishallput'PresentedincommemorationofhismasterlydoublecenturyagainsttheAuthentics,'orsomethinglikethat.You'venoideahowitimpressesthewicket-keeper.Hereallyseesquitealotofthebackofone'sbat."

"Yourinscription,"saidHenry,ashefilledhispipeslowly,"willbeeitheralieorextremelyunimpressive."

"Itwillbeneither,Henry.IfIputmyownnameonit,andtalkedaboutmydoublecentury,ofcourseitwouldbealie;buttheinscriptionwillbetoStanleyBolland."

"Who'she?"

"Idon'tknow.I'vejustmadehimup.Butnow,supposingmylittleshieldsays,'StanleyBolland.H.P.C.C.--Season1912.Battingaverage116.34.'--howisthatalie?"

"WhatdoesH.P.C.C.standfor?"

"Idon'tknow.Itdoesn'tmeananythingreally.I'llleaveout'Battingaverage'ifitmakesitmoretruthful.'StanleyBolland.H.P.C.C.,1912.116.34.'It'sreallyjustalittlenoteImakeonthebackofmybattoremindmeofsomethingorotherI'veforgotten.116.34isprobablyBolland'stelephonenumberorthesizeofsomethingIwantathisshop.

Butbyapureaccidentthewicket-keeperthinksitmeanssomethingelse;andhetellsthebowlerattheendoftheoverthatit'sthatchapBollandwhohadanaverageofoveracenturyfortheHampsteadPolytechniclastyear.Ofcoursethatmakesthebowlernervousandhestartssendingdownlong-hops."

"Isee,"saidHenry;andhebegantoreadhispaperagain.

Soto-morrowItakemybattothesilversmith'sandhavealittleengravedshieldfastenedon.Ofcourse,withareallytrustworthyweapon



Iamcertaintocollectpotsofrunsthisseason.Butthereisnoharminmakingthingsaseasyaspossibleforoneself.

Andyetthereisthistobethoughtof.Eventheverybestbatintheworldmayfailtoscore,anditmightsohappenthatIwasdismissed(owingtosomedefectinthepitch)beforemysilvershieldhadtimetoimpresstheopposition.Oragain,Imight(throughill-health)performsobadlythatquiteawrongimpressionofthestandardoftheHampsteadPolytechnicwouldbecreated,animpressionwhichIshouldhatetobetheinnocentmeansofcirculating.

SoonsecondthoughtsIleantoadifferentinscription.Onthebackofmybataplainsilvershieldwillsayquitesimplythis:--

TOSTANLEYBOLLAND,FORSAVINGLIFEATSEA.FROMAFEWADMIRERS.

ThusIshallhavetwostringstomybow.Andif,byanyunhappychance,Ifailasacricketer,thewicket-keeperwillsaytohiscomradesasIwalksadlytothepavilion,"Apoorbatperhaps,butabrave--averybravefellow."

Itbecomesusalltomakeatleastoneefforttobrightencricket.

UNCLEEDWARD

Celiahasmorerelationsthanwouldseempossible.Iamgraduallygettingtoknowsomethembysightandafewmorebyname,butIstillmakemistakes.Theotherday,forinstance,shehappenedtosayshewasgoingtoaconcertwithUncleGodfrey.

"Godfrey,"Isaid,"Godfrey.No,don'ttellme--Ishallgetitinamoment.Godfrey...Yes,that'sit;he'sthearchitect.HelivesatLiverpool,hasfivechildren,andsentustheasparagus-coolerasaweddingpresent."

"Nomarks,"saidCelia.

"Thenhe'stheunmarriedoneinScotlandwhobreedsterriers.IknewIshouldgetit."

"AsamatteroffacthelivesinLondonandbreedsoratorios."

"It'sthesameidea.ThatwastheoneImeant.ThegreatpointisthatI

placedhim.Nowgivemeanotherone."Ileantforwardeagerly.

"Well,Iwasjustgoingtoaskyou--haveyouarrangedanythingaboutMonday?"

"Monday,"Isaid,"Monday.No,don'ttellme--Ishallgetitinamoment.Monday...He'stheonewho----Oh,youmeanthedayoftheweek?"

"Who'safunny?"askedCeliaoftheteapot.



"Sorry;Ireallythoughtyoumeantanotherrelation.WhatamIdoing?I'mplayinggolfifIcanfindsomebodytoplaywith."

"Well,askEdward."

IcouldplaceEdwardatonce.Edward,Ineedhardlysay,isCelia'suncle;oneoftheonesIhavenotyetmet.Hemarriedaveryyoungauntofhers,notmucholderthanCelia.

"ButIdon'tknowhim,"Isaid.

"Itdoesn'tmatter.Writeandaskhimtomeetyouatthegolfclub.I'msurehe'dloveto."

"Wouldn'thethinkitrathercool,thissuddenattackfromaperfectlyunknownnephew?Ifancythefirststepoughttocomefromuncle."

"Butyou'reolderthanheis."

"True.It'sratheratrickypointinetiquette.Well,I'llriskit."

ThiswastheletterIsenttohim:--

"MYDEARUNCLEEDWARD,--Whyhaven'tyouwrittentomethisterm?IhavespentthefiveshillingsyougavemewhenIcameback;itwasawfullyrippingofyoutogiveittome,butIhavespentitnow.Areyoucomingdowntoseemethisterm?Ifyouaren'tyoumightwritetome;thereisapost-officeherewhereyoucanchangepostalorders.

"WhatIreallymeanttosaywas,canyouplaygolfwithmeonMondayatMudburyHill?Iamyournewandfavouritenephew,anditisquitetimewemet.Beattheclub-houseat2.30,ifyoucan.Idon'tquiteknowhowweshallrecognizeeachother,butthewell-dressedmaninthenut-brownsuitwillprobablybeme.Myfeaturesareplainbutgood,exceptwhereIfellagainstthebath-tapsyesterday.Ifyou

havefallenagainstanythingwhichwouldgivemeacluetoyourfaceyoumightletmeknow.Alsoyoumightletmeknowifyouareaprofessoratgolf;ifyouare,IwillreadsomemorebooksonthesubjectbetweennowandMonday.Justatthemomentmygameisputrid.

"Yournieceandmywifesendsherlove.Good-bye.IwastopofmyclassinLatinlastweek.Imustnowstop,asitismybath-night.

"Iam,"Yourloving"NEPHEW."

ThenextdayIhadaletterfrommyuncle:--

"MYDEARNEPHEW,--Iwassogladtogetyournicelittleletterandtohearthatyouwereworkinghard.Letmeknowwhenitisyourbath-nightagain;thesethingsalwaysinterestme.IshallbedelightedtoplaygolfwithyouonMonday.Youwillhavenodifficultyinrecognizingme.IshoulddescribemyselfroughlyassomethinglikeApolloandsomethinglikeLittleTich,ifyouknowwhatImean.Itdependshowyoucomeuptome.Iamanexcellentgolferandnevertakemorethantwoputtsinabunker.



"Till2.30then.Iencloseapostal-orderforsixpence,toseeyouthroughtherestoftheterm.

"Yourfavouriteuncle,"EDWARD."

IshowedittoCelia.

"Perhapsyoucoulddescribehimmoreminutely,"Isaid."IhatewanderingaboutvaguelyandaskingeverybodyIseeifhe'smyuncle.Itseemssoodd."

"You'resuretomeetallright,"saidCeliaconfidently."He's--well,he'snice-lookingand--andclean-shaven--and,oh,you'llrecognizehim."

At2.30onMondayIarrivedattheclub-houseandwaitedformyuncle.Variouspeopleappeared,butnoneseemedinwantofanephew.When2.45cametherewasstillnoavailableuncle.True,therewasoneunattachedmanreadinginacornerofthesmoke-room,buthehadamoustache--thesortofheavymoustacheoneassociateswithamajor.

Atthreeo'clockIbecamedesperate.Afterall,Celiahadnotseen

Edwardforsometime.Perhapshehadgrownamoustachelately;perhapshehadgrownonespeciallyforto-day.Atanyratetherewouldbenoharminaskingthismajormanifhewasmyuncle.Evenifhewasn'themightgivemeagameofgolf.

"Excuseme,"Isaidpolitely,"butareyoubyanychancemyUncleEdward?"

"Yourwhat?"

"Iwasalmostcertainyouweren't,butIthoughtI'djustask.I'msorry."

"Notatall.Naturallyonewantstofindone'suncle.Haveyou--er--losthimlong?"

"Years,"Isaidsadly."Er--Iwonderifyouwouldcaretoadoptme--Imean,givemeagamethisafternoon.Mymanhasn'tturnedup."

"Byallmeans.I'mnotverygreat."

"NeitheramI.Shallwestartnow?Good."

IwassorrytomissEdward,butIwasn'tgoingtomissagameofgolfonsuchalovelyday.Myspiritsrose.NoteventhefactthattherewerenocaddiesleftandIhadtocarrymyownclubscoulddepressme.

TheMajordrove.Iamnotgoingtodescribethewholegame;thoughmycleekshotatthefifthhole,fromahanginglietowithintwofeetofthe----However,Imustn'tgointothatnow.ButitsurprisedtheMajoragooddeal.AndwhenatthenextholeIlaidmybrassieabsolutelydead,he----ButIcantellyouaboutthatsomeothertime.Itissufficienttosaynowthat,whenwereachedtheseventeenthtee,Iwasoneup.

Webothplayedtheseventeenthwell.Hewasafootfromtheholein



four.Iplayedmythirdfromtheedgeofthegreen,andwasridiculouslyshort,givingmyselfatwenty-footputtforthehole.LeavingmyclubsIwentforwardwiththeputter,andbytheabsurdestluckpushedtheballin.

"Good,"saidtheMajor."Yourgame."

Iwentbackformyclubs.WhenIturnedroundtheMajorwaswalkingcarelesslyofftothenexttee,leavingtheflaglyingonthegreenandmyballstillinthetin.

"Slacker,"Isaidtomyself,andwalkeduptothehole.

AndthenIhadaterribleshock.Isawinthetin,notmyball,butamoustache!

"AmIgoingmad?"Isaid."IcouldhaveswornthatIdroveoffwitha'Colonel,'andyetIseemtohaveholedoutwithaMajor'smoustache!"Ipickeditupandhurriedafterhim.

"Major,"Isaid,"excuseme,you'vedroppedyourmoustache.Itfelloffatthecriticalstageofthematch;theshockoflosingwastoomuchforyou;thestrainof----"

Heturnedhisclean-shavenfaceroundandgrinnedatme."Onsecondthoughts,"hesaid,"Iamyourlong-lostuncle."

THERENASCENCEOFBRITAIN

PeterRileywasoneofthoseluckypeoplewhotakenaturallytogames.Actuallyhegothisblueforcricket,rugger,andboxing,buthisperfecteyeandwristmadehimabeautifulplayerofanygamewitha

ball.Alsoherodeandshotwell,andknewallabouttheinsideofacar.But,althoughhewasalwaysenthusiasticaboutanythinghewasdoing,hewasnotreallykeenongames.Hepreferredwanderingaboutthecountrylookingforbirds'nestsordiscoveringthehauntsofrarebutterflies;helikedmanagingasmallboatsingle-handedinastiffbreeze;hewouldhaveenjoyedbeingupsetandhavingtoswimalongwaytoshore.Mostofall,perhaps,helovedtolieonthetopofthecliffsandthinkofthewonderfulthingsthathewoulddoforEnglandwhenhewasaCabinetMinister.Forpoliticswastobehisprofession,andhehadjusttakenafirstinHistorybywayofpreparationforit.

TherewerealotofsillypeoplewhoenviedPeter'smother.Theythought,poordears,thatshemustbevery,veryproudofhim,forthey

regardedPeterastheidealofthemodernyoungEnglishman."IfonlymyboygrowsuptobelikePeterRiley!"theyusedtosaytothemselves;andthenaddquickly,"Butofcoursehe'llbemuchnicer."Intheirignorancetheydidn'tseethatitwasthePetersofEnglandwhoweremakingourcountrythelaughing-stockoftheworld.

IfyouhadbeeninBerlinin1916,youwouldhaveseenPeter;forhehadbeenpersuaded,muchagainsthiswill,toupholdthehonourofGreatBritaininthemiddle-weightsattheOlympicGames.Hegotapositioninthepapersas"P.Riley,disqualified"--theresult,hecouldonly



suppose,ofhisfollyinallowinghisopponenttobutthiminthestomach.Hewasbothannoyedandamusedaboutit;offeredtofighthisvanquisheranytimeinEngland;andprivatelythankedHeaventhathecouldnowgetbacktoLondonintimeforhisfavouritesister'swedding.

Buthedidn't.TheEnglishtrainer,whohadbeensent,atthepublicexpense,toAmericaforayear,tostudythepropermethods,gotholdofhim.

"I'vebeenwatchingyou,youngman,"hesaid."You'llhavetogiveyourselfuptomenow.You'rethecomingchampion."

"I'msorry,"saidPeterpolitely,"butIshan'tbefightingagain."

"Fighting!"saidthetrainerscornfully."Don'tyouworry;I'lltakegoodcarethatyoudon'tfightanymore.Theeventyou'regoingtowinis'PushingtheChisel.'I'vebeenwatchingyou,andyou'vegotthemostperfectneckandcalf-musclesforitI'veeverseen.Nomorefightingforyou,myboy;norcricket,noranythingelse.I'mnotgoingtoletyouspoilthosemuscles."

"Idon'tthinkI'veeverpushedtheChisel,"saidPeter."Besides,it'sover,isn'tit?"

"Over?Ofcourseit'sover,andthatconfoundedAmericanwon.'PooroldEngland,'asallthepaperssaid."

"Thenit'stoolatetobegintopractise,"saidPeterthankfully.

"Well,it'stoolateforthe1920games.Butwecandoalotineightyears,andIthinkIcangetyoufitforthe1924gamesatPekin."

Peterstaredathiminamazement.

"Mygoodman,"hesaidatlast,"in1924IshallbeinLondon;andIhopeintheHouseofCommons."

"Andwhataboutthehonourofyourcountry?DoyouwanttoreadthejeersintheAmericanpaperswhenwelose'PushingtheChisel'in1924?"

"Idon'tcareacursewhattheAmericanpaperssay,"saidPeterangrily.

"Thenyou'reverydifferentfromotherEnglishmen,"saidthetrainersternly.

.....

Ofcourse,Peterwaspersuaded;hecouldn'tletEnglandbethelaughing-stockoftheworld.Soforeightyearshelivedundertheeyeofthetrainer,risingatfiveandretiringtobedatseven-thirty.This

preventedhimfromtakingmuchpartintheordinarysocialactivitiesoftheevening;andevenhisluncheonandgarden-partyinvitationshadtobedeclinedinsomesuchwordsas"Mr.PeterRileyregretsthatheisunabletoacceptLadyVavasour'skindinvitationforMondaythe13th,ashewillbehoppingroundthegardenononelegthen."Hiscareer,too,hadtobeabandoned;foritwasplainthat,evenifhehadtheleisuretogetintoParliament,theearlyhourshekeptwouldnotallowhimtotakepartinanyimportantdivisions.

Buttherewerecompensations.Ashewatchedhiscalvesswell;ashe



lookedintheglassandnoticedeachmorningthathisheadwasalittlemoreononeside--suresignoftheexpertChisel-pusher;as,stillsurersign,hishandsbecamemoreknucklyandhismouthremainedmorepermanentlyopen,heknewthathisdevotiontodutywouldnotbewithoutitsreward.Hesawalreadyhiscountrytriumphing,andheardthechorusofcongratulationinthenewspapersthatEnglandwasstillanationofsportsmen....

In1924Pekinwascrowded.Therewere,ofcourse,theordinarymillioninhabitants;and,inaddition,peoplehadthrongedfromallpartstoseethegreatChisel-pusherofwhomsomuchhadbeenheard.Thattheydidnotcomeinvain,weinLondonknewoneJulymorningasweopenedourpapers.

"PUSHINGTHECHISEL(FreeStyle).

"1.P.Riley(GreatBritain),5-3/4in.(World'sRecord).2.H.Biffpoffer(America),5-1/2in.A.Wafer(America)wasdisqualifiedforgoingoutsidethewood."

.....

AndsoEnglandwasherselfagain.Therewasonlyonediscordantnoteinhertriumph.Mr.P.A.VailepointedoutinallthepapersthatPeter

Riley,intheusualpig-headedEnglishway,hadbeenemployingentirelythewronggrip.Mr.Vaile'sbook,HowtoPushtheChisel,illustratedwith50fullplatesofMr.VaileinknickerbockerspushingtheChisel,explainedthecorrectmethod.

THEBIRTHDAYPRESENT

"It'smybirthdayto-morrow,"saidMrs.Jeremyassheturnedthepagesofherengagementbook.

"Blessus,soitis,"saidJeremy."You'rethirty-nineortwenty-sevenorsomething.Imustgoandexaminethewine-cellar.Ibelievethere'sonebottleleftintheApollinarisbin.It'stheonlystuffinthehousethatfizzes."

"Jeremy!I'monlytwenty-six."

"Youdon'tlookit,darling;Imeanyoudolookit,dear.WhatImean--well,nevermindthat.Let'stalkaboutbirthdaypresents.Thinkofsomethingabsolutelytremendousformetogiveyou."

"Aropeofpearls."

"Ididn'tmeanthatsortoftremendousness,"saidJeremyquickly."Anyonecouldgiveyouaropeofpearls;it'ssimplyaquestionofoverdrawingenoughfromthebank.Imeantsomethingdifficultthatwouldreallyprovemyloveforyou--likeLloydGeorge'searortheKaiser'scigar-holder.SomethingwhereIcouldkillsomebodyforyoufirst.Iaminaverydevotedmoodthismorning."

"Areyoureally?"smiledMrs.Jeremy."Because----"



"Iam.SoisBaby,unfortunately.Shewillprobablywanttogiveyousomethinghorriblyexpensive.Betweenourselves,dear,IshallbegladwhenBabyisoldenoughtobuyherownpresentsforhermamma.LastChristmasherideaofacompleteeditionofMeredithandapairofsilver-backedbrushesnearlyruinedme."

"Youwon'tberuinedthistime,Jeremy.Idon'twantyoutogivemeanything;Iwantyoutoshowthatdevotionofyoursbydoingsomethingforme."

"Anything,"saidJeremygrandly."ShallIswimtheChannel?Iwaspractisingmynewtrudgeonstrokeinthebaththismorning."Hegotupfromhischairandpreparedtogiveanexhibitionofit.

"No,nothinglikethat."Mrs.Jeremyhesitated,lookedanxiouslyathim,andthenwentboldlyatit."Iwantyoutogoinforthatphysicalculturethateveryone'stalkingabout."

"Who'severyone?Cookhasn'tsaidawordtomeonthesubject;neitherhasBaby;neitherhas----"

"Mrs.Hodgkinwastalkingtomeaboutityesterday.Shewassayinghowthinyouwerelooking."

"Thescandalthatgoesoninthesevillages,"sighedJeremy."AndtheVicar'swifetoo.Dear,allthisisweeksandweeksold;IsupposeithasonlyjustreachedtheVicarage.Doletusbeup-to-date.PhysicalculturehasbeenquitedÃ©modÃ©sincelastThursday."

"Well,Ineversawanythinginthepaper"----

"Knowingwhatwivesare,Ihiditfromyou.Letusnow,mydearwife,talkofsomethingelse."

"Jeremy!Notformybirthdaypresent?"saidhiswifeinareproachfulvoice."TheVicardoesthemeverymorning,"sheaddedcasually.

"Poorbeggar!Butit'swhatVicarsarefor."Jeremychuckledtohimself."Ishouldlovetoseehim,"hesaid."Isupposeit'sprivate,though.PerhapsifIsaid'Press'----"

"Youarethin,youknow."

"Mydear,theproperwaytogetfatisnottotakeviolentexercise,buttolieinahammockalldayanddrinkmilk.Besides,doyouwantafathusband?DoesBabywantafatfather?Youwouldn'tlike,atyournextgardenparty,tohaveeverybodyaskingyouinawhisper,'Whoistheenormouslystoutgentleman?'IfNaturemademethin--or,tobemoreaccurate,slenderandofapleasinglitheness--letusbelievethatsheknewbest."

"Itisn'tonlythinness;theseexerciseskeepyouyoungandwellandactiveinmind."

"LiketheVicar?"

"He'sonlyjustbegun,"saidhiswifehastily.

"Let'swaitabitandwatchhim,"suggestedJeremy."Ifhissermonsreallygetbetter,thenI'llthinkaboutitseriously.Imakeyoua



presentofhisbaldness;Ishan'taskforanyimprovementthere."

Mrs.Jeremywentovertoherhusbandandpattedthetopofhishead.

"'Inaverydevotedmoodthismorning,'"shequoted.

Jeremylookedunhappy.

"Whatpainsmemostaboutthis,"hesaid,"istherevelationofyourshortcomingsasawife.Yououghttothinkmethepictureofmanlybeauty.Babydoes.Shethinksthat,nexttothepostman,Iamoneofthe----"

"Soyouare,dear."

"Well,whynotleaveit?Really,Ican'twastemytimefatteningrefinedgoldandstouteningthelily.Iamabusyman.Iwalkupanddownthepergola,Ikeepadog,Ipaintlittlewater-colours,Iamtreasurerofthecricketclub;mylifeisfullofactivities."

"Thisonlytakesaquarterofanhourbeforeyourbath,Jeremy."

"Iamshavingthen;Ishouldcutmyselfandgetallthesoapinmyeyes.Itwouldbemostdangerous.Whenyouwereawidow,andBabyandthepony

wereorphans,youandMrs.Hodgkinwouldbesorry.Butitwouldbetoolate.TheVicar,tearinghimselfawayfromPosition5toconductthefuneralservice----"

"Jeremy,don't!"

"Ah,woman,nowImoveyou.Youarebeginningtoseewhatyouwereindangerofdoing.DeathIlaughat;butafatdeath--thedeathofastoutmanwhohasswallowedtheshaving-brushthroughtakingtoodeepabreathbeforebeginningExercise3,thatismorethanIcanbear."

"Jeremy!"

"WhenIsaidIwantedtokillsomeoneforyou,Ididn'tthinkyouwouldsuggestmyself,leastofallthatyouwantedmefatteneduplikeaChristmasturkeyfirst.Togodowntoposterityasthelarge-bodiedgentlemanwhoinhaledthebadger'shair;tobebilledintheLondonpressinthewords,'CuriousFatalAccidenttoAdiposeTreasurer'--todothissimplybywayofcelebratingyourtwenty-sixthbirthday,whenweactuallyhaveabottleofApollinarisleftintheApollinarisbin--darling,youcannothavebeenthinking----"

Hiswifepattedhisheadagaingently."Oh,Jeremy,youhopelessperson,"shesighed."Givemeanewsunshade.Iwantonebadly."

"No,"saidJeremy,"Babyshallgiveyouthat.FormyselfIamstill

feelingthatIshouldliketokillsomebodyforyou.LloydGeorge?No.F.E.Smith?N-no...."Herubbedhisheadthoughtfully."Whoinventedthoseexercises?"heaskedsuddenly.

"AGerman,Ithink."

"Then,"saidJeremy,buttoninguphiscoat,"Ishallgoandkillhim."



ONEOFOURSUFFERERS

ThereisnoquestionbeforethecountryofmoreimportancethanthatofNationalHealth.InmyownsmallwayIhavemadesomethingofastudyofit,andwhenaRoyalCommissionbeginsitsenquiries,IshallputbeforeittheevidencewhichIhaveaccumulated.IshalllayparticularstressuponthehealthofThomson.

"You'llbeatmeto-day,"hesaid,asheswunghisclubstifflyonthefirsttee;"Ishan'tbeabletohitaball."

"Youshouldhavesomelessons,"Isuggested.

Thomsongaveasnortofindignation.

"It'snotthat,"hesaid."ButI'vebeenveryseedylately,and----"

"That'sallright;Ishan'tmind.Ihaven'tplayedathoroughlywellmanforamonth,now."

"Youknow,Ithinkmyliver----"

Iheldupmyhand.

"Notbeforemycaddie,please,"Isaidseverely;"heisquiteachild."

Thomsonsaidnomoreforthemoment,buthithisballhardandstraightalongtheground.

"It'sperfectlyabsurd,"hesaidwithashrug;"Ishan'tbeabletogiveyouagameatall.Well,ifyoudon'tmindplayingasickman----"

"Notifyoudon'tmindbeingone,"Ireplied,anddroveaballwhichalsowentalongtheground,butnotsofarasmyopponent's."There!I'm

abouttheonlymaninEnglandwhocandothatwhenhe'squitewell."

Theballwassittingupnicelyformysecondshot,andImanagedtoputitonthegreen.Thomson's,fiftyyardsfartheron,wasrecliningintheworstpartofabunkerwhichhehadforgottenabout.

"Well,really,"hesaid,"there'sanexampleofluckforyou.Yourball----"

"Ididn'tdoitonpurpose,"Ipleaded."Don'tbeangrywithme."

Hemadetwoattemptstogetout,andthenpickedhisballup.Wewalkedinsilencetothesecondtee.

"Thistime,"Isaid,"Ishallhitthesphereproperly,"andwithaterrificswingIstrokeditgentlyintoagorsebush.Ilookedatthethingindisgustandthenfeltmypulse.ApparentlyIwasstillquitewell.Thomson,forgettingabouthisliver,droveabeauty.Wemetonthegreen.

"Five,"Isaid.

"Onlyfive?"askedThomsonsuspiciously.



"Six,"Isaid,holingaverylongputt.

Thomson'shealthhadarelapse.Hetookfourshortputtsandwasdowninseven.

"It'sreallyratherabsurd,"hesaid,inaconversationalway,aswewenttothenexttee,"thatputtingshouldbesoridiculouslyimportant.Takethathole,forinstance.Igetonthegreeninaperfectthree;youfluffyourdrivecompletelyandgetonin--whatwasit?"

"Five,"Isaidagain.

"Er--five.Andyetyouwinthehole.Itisratherabsurd,isn'tit?"

"I'veoftenthoughtso,"Iadmittedreadily."Thatistosay,whenI'vetakenfourputts.I'mtwoup."

OnthethirdteeThomson'shealthbecamepositivelyalarming.Hemissedtheballaltogether.

"It'sridiculoustotrytoplay,"hesaid,withaforcedlaugh."Ican'tseetheballatall."

"It'sstillthere,"Iassuredhim.Hestruckatitagainandithurriedoffintoaditch.

"Lookhere,"hesaid,"wouldn'tyouratherplaythepro.?Thisisnotmuchofamatchforyou."

Iconsidered.Ofcourse,agamewiththepro.wouldbemuchpleasanterthanagamewithThomson,butoughtItoleavehiminhispresentseriousconditionofhealth?Hisillnesswasapproachingitscriticalstage,anditwasmydutytopullhimthroughifIcould.

"No,no,"Isaid."Let'sgoon.Thefreshairwilldoyougood."

"Perhapsitwill,"hesaidhopefully."I'msorryI'mlikethis,butI'vehadacoldhangingaboutforsomedays,andthatonthetopofmyliver----"

"Quiteso,"Isaid.

Theclimaxwasreached,atthenexthole,when,withseveralstrokesinhand,hetoppedhisapproachshotintoabunker.Formysakehetriedtolookasthoughhehadmeanttorunitupalongtheground,havingforgottenabouttheinterveninghazard.Itwasabraveefforttohidefrommetherealstateofhishealth,buthesoonsawthatitwashopeless.Hesighedandpressedhishandtohiseyes.Thenheheldhis

fingersafootawayfromhim,andlookedatthemasifheweretryingtocountthemcorrectly.Hisstatewaspitiable,andIfeltthatatanycostImustsavehim.

Idid.Thecornerwasturnedatthefifth,whereItookfourputts.

"Youaren'tgoingtowinalltheholes,"hesaidgrudgingly,asherandownhisputt.

Convalescencesetinatthesixth,whenIgotintoanimpossibleplace



andpickedup.

"Oh,well,Ishallgiveyouagameyet,"hesaid."Twodown."

Theneedforfurtherbulletinsceasedattheseventhhole,whichheplayedreallywellandwoneasily.

"A-ha,youwon'tbeatmebymuch,"hesaid,"inspiteofmyliver."

"Bytheway,howistheliver?"Iasked.

"Yourfresh-aircureisdoingitgood.Ofcourse,itmaycomeonagain,but----"Hedroveascreamer."IthinkIshallbeallright,"heannounced.

"Allsquare,"hesaidcheerilyattheninth."IfancyI'mgoingtobeatyounow.Notbad,youknow,consideringyouwerefourup.Practicallyspeaking,Igaveyouastartoffourholes."

Idecidedthatitwastimetomakeaneffortagain,seeingthatThomson'shealthwasnowthoroughlyre-established.OfthenextsevenholesImanagedtowinthreeandhalvetwo.Itisonlyfairtosay,though(asThomsondidseveraltimes),thatIhadanextraordinaryamountofgoodluck,andthathewasdoggedbyill-fortunethroughout.

Butthis,afterall,isasnothingsolongasone'shealthisabovesuspicion.ThegreatthingwasthatThomson'sliversufferednorelapse;eventhough,attheseventeenthtee,hewasonedownandtwotoplay.

AnditwasontheseventeenthteethatIhadtothinkseriouslyhowIwantedthematchtoend.ThomsonatlunchwhenhehaswonisaverydifferentmanfromThomsonatlunchwhenhehaslost.ThemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreIrealizedthatIwasinratherahappyposition.IfIwon,Iwon--whichwasjolly;ifIlost,Thomsonwon--andweshouldhaveapleasantlunch.

However,asithappened,thematchwashalved.

"Yes,Iwasafraidso,"saidThomson;"Iletyougettoolongastart.It'sabsurdtosupposethatIcangiveyoufourholesupandbeatyou.Itpracticallyamountstogivingyoufourbisques.Fourbisquesisaboutsixstrokes--I'mnotreallysixstrokesbetterthanyou."

"Whataboutlunch?"Isuggested.

"Good;andyoucanhaveyourrevengeafterwards."Heledthewayintothepavilion."NowIwonder,"hesaid,"whatIcansafelyeat.Iwanttobeabletogiveyousomesortofagamethisafternoon."

Well,ifthereiseveraRoyalCommissionuponthenationalphysiqueIshallinsistongivingevidence.Foritseemstomethatgolf,farfrom

improvingthehealthofthecountry,isactuallyunderminingit.Thomson,atanyrate,sincehehastakentothegame,hasneverbeenquitefit.

INTHESWIM



"Doyoutango?"askedMissHopkins,assoonaswewerecomfortablyseated.IknowhernamewasHopkins,becauseIhadherdownonmyprogrammeasPopkins,whichseemedtoogoodtobetrue;and,inordertogiveherachanceofreconsideringit,IhadaskedherifshewasoneofthePopkinsesofHampshire.IthadthenturnedoutthatshewasreallyoneoftheHopkinsesofMaidaVale.

"No,"Isaid,"Idon't."Shewasonlythefifthpersonwhohadaskedme,butthenshewasonlymyfifthpartner.

"Oh,yououghtto.Youmustbeup-to-date,youknow."

"I'malwaysabitlatewiththesethings,"Iexplained."ThewaltzcametoEnglandin1812,butIdidn'treallymasterittill1904."

"I'mafraidifyouwaitaslongasthatbeforeyoumasterthetangoitwillbeout."

"That'swhatIthought.BythetimeIlearntthetango,thebingowouldbein.Myideawastolearnthebingoinadvance,soastobereadyforit.Thinkhowyou'llallenvymein1917.ThinkhowSocietywillflocktomyBingoQuickLunches.IshallbetheonlymaninLondonwhobingoesproperly.Ofcourse,by1918you'llallbeatit."

"Thenwemusthaveonetogetherin1918,"smiledMissHopkins."In1918,"Ipointedoutcoldly,"Ishallbelearningthepongo."

MynextpartnerhadnonamethatIcoulddiscover,butafundofconversation.

"Doyoutango?"sheaskedmeassoonaswewerecomfortablyseated.

"No,"Isaid,"Idon't.But,"Iadded,"Ioncelearnedtheminuet."

"Oh,they'renotverymuchalike,arethey?"

"Notabit.However,luckilythatdoesn'tmatter,becauseI'veforgottenallthestepsnow."

Sheseemedalittlepuzzledanddecidedtochangethesubject.

"Areyougoingtolearnthetango?"sheasked.

"Idon'tthinkso.Ittookmefourmonthstolearntheminuet."

"Butthey'requitedifferent,aren'tthey?"

"Quite,"Iagreed.

Assheseemedtohaveexhaustedherselfforthemoment,itwasobviouslymybusinesstosaysomething.Therewasonlyonethingtosay.

"Doyoutango?"Iasked.

"No,"shesaid,"Idon't."

"Areyougoingtolearn?"

"Oh,yes!"



"Ah!"Isaid;andfiveminuteslaterwepartedforever.

Thenextdancereallywasatango,andIsawtomyhorrorthatIhadanamedownforit.WithsomedifficultyIfoundtheownerofit,andpreparedtoexplaintoherthatunfortunatelyIcouldn'tdancethetango,butthatforprofoundconversationaboutitIwasundoubtedlytheman.Luckilysheexplainedfirst.

"I'mafraidIcan'tdothis,"sheapologised."I'msosorry."

"Notatall,"Isaidmagnanimously."We'llsititout."

Wefoundacomfortableseat.

"Doyoutango?"sheasked.

Iwastiredofsaying"No."

"Yes,"Isaid.

"Areyousureyouwouldn'tliketofindsomebodyelsetodoitwith?"

"Quite,thanks.ThefactisIdoitratherdifferentlyfromtheway

they'redoingithereto-night.Yousee,IactuallylearntitintheArgentine."

Shewasverymuchinterestedtohearthis.

"Really?Areyououttheremuch?I'vegotanunclelivingtherenow.Iwonderif----"

"WhenIsayIlearntitintheArgentine,"Iexplained,"ImeanthatIwasactuallytaughtitinSt.John'sWood,butthatmydancingmistresscamefrom----"

"InSt.John'sWood?"shesaideagerly."Buthowfunny!Mysisteris

learningthere.Iwonderif----"

Shewasaverydifficultpersontotalkto.Herrelationsseemedtospreadthemselvesallovertheplace.

"Perhapsthatishardlydoingjusticetothesituation,"Iexplainedagain."Itwouldbemoreaccuratetoputitlikethis.WhenIdecided--bytheway,doesyourfamilyfrequentParis?No?Good.Well,whenIdecidedtolearnthetango,thefactthatmyfriendstheHopkinsesofSt.John'sWood,orratherMaidaVale,hadalreadylearntitinParisnaturallyledmeto----Isay,whataboutanice?It'sgettingawfullyhotinhere."

"Oh,Idon'tthink----"

"I'llgoandgetthem,"Isaidhastily;andIwentandtookalongtimegettingthem,and,asitturnedoutthatshedidn'twanthersafterall,alongertimeeatingthem.WhenIwasreadyforconversationagainthenextdancewasbeginning.WithabowIrelinquishedhertoanother.

"Comealong,"saidabrightvoicebehindme;"thisisours."

"Hallo,Norah,isthatyou?Comeon."



Wehurriedin,dancedinsilence,andthenfoundourselvesacomfortableseat.Foramomentneitherofusspoke....

"Haveyoulearntthetangoyet?"askedNorah.

"Fourteen,"Isaidaloud.

"Help!DoesthatmeanthatI'mthefourteenthpersonwhohasaskedyou?"

"Thenightisyetyoung,Norah.Youareonlytheeighth.ButIwasbettingthatyou'daskmebeforeIcountedtwenty.Youlost,andyouowemeapairofivory-backedhair-brushesandacigar-cutter."

"Bother!Anyhow,I'mnotgoingtobestoppedtalkingaboutthetangoifIwantto.DidyouknowIwaslearning?Icandothescissors."

"Good.We'lldothenewFleetStreetmovementtogether,thescissors-and-paste.Yougointotheball-roomanddothescissors,andI'll--er--stickhereanddothepaste."

"Can'tyoureallydoanyofitatall,andaren'tyougoingtolearn?"

"Ican'tdoanyofitatall,Norah.Iamnotgoingtolearn,Norah."

"Itisn'tsoverydifficult,youknow.I'dteachyoumyselffortuppence."

"Willyoustoptalkingaboutitforthreepence?"Iasked,andItookoutthreecoppers.

"No."

Isighedandputthembackagain.

.....

Itwasthelastdanceoftheevening.Myhostess,findingmelonely,haddraggedmeuptosomebody,andIandwhateverhernamewaswereinthesupper-roomdrinkingourfarewellsoup.Sofarwehadsaidnothingtoeachother.Iwaitedanxiouslyforhertobegin.Suddenlyshebegan.

"HaveyouthoughtaboutChristmaspresentsyet?"sheasked.

Inearlyswooned.WithdifficultyIremainedinanuprightposition.ShewasthefirstpersonwhohadnotbegunbyaskingmeifIdancedthetango!

"Excuseme,"Isaid."I'mafraidIdidn't--wouldyoutellmeyournameagain?"

Ifeltthatitoughttobecelebratedinsomeway.Ihadsomenotionofwritingasonnettoher.

"Hopkins,"shesaid;"Iknewyou'dforgottenme."

"OfcourseIhaven't,"Isaid,suddenlyrememberingher.Thesonnetwouldneverbewrittennow."Wehadadancetogetherbefore."

"Yes,"shesaid."Letmesee,"sheadded,"Ididaskyouifyoudanced



thetango,didn'tI?"

THEMENWHOSUCCEED

THEHEIR

Mr.TrevorPilkington,ofthewell-knownfirmofTrevorPilkington,fixedhishornspectaclescarefullyuponhisnose,tookapinchofsnuff,sneezedtwice,gavehispapersapreliminaryrustle,lookedslowlyroundthecrowdedroom,andbegantoreadthewill.Throughfortyyearsofwill-readinghismethodofprocedurehadalwaysbeenthesame.ButJackSummers,whowassharinganottomanwithtwooftheoutdoorservants,thoughtthatMr.Pilkington'smannerismsweredesignedspeciallytoannoyhim,andhecouldscarcelycontrolhisimpatience.

YetnooneeverhadlesstohopefromthereadingofawillthanJack.Forthefirsttwentyyearsofhislifehisparentshadbroughthimupto

believethathiscousinCecilwasheirtohisUncleAlfred'senormousfortune,andforthesubsequenttenyearshiscousinCecilhadbroughthisUncleAlfredupinthesamebelief.Indeed,Cecilhadevenroughedoutoneortwowillsforsignature,andhadofferedtohelphisuncle--who,however,preferredtodothesethingsbyhimself--toholdthepen.Jackcouldnothelpfeelinggladthathiscousinwasnottheretoparadehisapproachingtriumph;anastycold,caughtaweekpreviouslyinattendinghisuncletotheLordMayor'sShow,havingkeptCecilinbed.

"TotheSocietyforthePreventionofCrueltytoChildren,tenshillingsandsixpence"--thewordscametohiminameaninglessdrone--"totheFreshAirFund,tenshillingsandsixpence;totheKingEdwardHospital

Fund,tenshillingsandsixpence"--wasallthemoneygoingincharities?--"tomynephewCecilLinley,whohastakensuchcareofme"--Mr.Pilkingtonhesitated--"fourshillingsandninepence;tomynephew,JohnSummers,whom,thankHeaven,Ihaveneverseen,fivemillionpounds----"

Alongwhistleofastonishmentcamefromtheottoman.Thesolicitorlookedupwithafrown.

"It'sthesurprise,"apologisedJack."Ihardlyexpectedsomuch.Ithoughtthatthatbrute--ImeanIthoughtmycousinCecilhadnobbled--thatistosay,wasgettingitall."

"ThelateMr.Alfredmadethreewills,"saidthelawyerinamomentofexpansion."InthefirsthelefthisnephewCecilalegacyofoneshillingandtenpence,inthesecondhebequeathedhimasumofthreeshillingsandtwopence,andinthelasthesetasidetheamountoffourshillingsandninepence.Theevidenceseemstoshowthatyourcousinwasrapidlyrisinginhisuncle'sestimation.You,ontheotherhand,havealwaysbeenalegateetotheamountoffivemillionpounds;butinthelastwillthereisatriflingconditionattached."Heresumedhispapers."Tomynephew,JohnSummers,fivemillionpounds,onconditionthat,withinoneyearfromthedateofmydeath,hemarriesMary



Huggins,thedaughterofmyoldfriend,nowdeceased,WilliamHuggins."

JackSummersroseproudlyfromhisendoftheottoman.

"Thanks,"hesaidcurtly."Thattearsit.It'sverykindoftheoldgentleman,butIprefertochooseawifeformyself."Hebowedtothecompanyandstrodefromtheroom.

.....

ItwasacloudlessAugustday.IntheshadowofthegreatelmsthatfringedtheSussexlaneagirlsatmusing;onitssideinthegrassatherfeetabicycle,itsbackwheeldeflated.Shesatonthegrassybankwithherhatinherlap,quitecontenttowaituntilthefirstpasser-bywitharepairingoutfitinhispocketshouldoffertohelpher.

"CanIbeofanyassistance?"saidamanlyvoice,suddenlywakingherfromherreverie.

Sheturnedwithastart.Theownerofthevoicewasdressedinastylishknickerbockersuit;hiseyeswereblue,hisfacewastanned,hishairwascurly,andhewasatleastsixfoottall.Somuchshenoticedataglance.

"Mybicycle,"shesaid;"punctured."Inaminutehewasonhiskneesbesidethemachine.Arapidexaminationconvincedhimthatshehadnotover-statedthetruth,andhewhippedfromhispockettherepairingoutfitwithoutwhichhenevertravelled.

"Icandoitinamoment,"hesaid."Atleast,ifyoucanjusthelpmealittle."

Asshekneltbesidehimhecouldnotfailtobeawareofherwonderfulbeauty.Therepairs,somehow,tooklongerthanhethought.Theirheadswereveryclosetogetherallthetime,andindeedononeoccasioncameviolentlyintocontact.

"There,"hesaidatlast,gettingupandbarkinghisshinagainstthepedal."Conf----Thatwillbeallright."

"Thankyou,"shesaidtenderly.

Helookedatherwithoutdisguisinghisadmiration;atall,straightfigureinthesunlight,itsrightshinrubbingitselfvigorouslyagainstitsleftcalf.

"It'sabsurd,"hesaidatlast;"IfeelasifI'veknownyouforyears.And,anyway,I'mcertainI'veseenyoubeforesomewhere."

"DidyouevergotoTheSeasideGirl?"sheaskedeagerly.

"Often."

"DoyouremembertheSpanishprincesswhocameonatthebeginningoftheSecondActandsaid,'Wow-wow!'totheMayor?"

"Why,ofcourse!AndyouhadyourphotographinTheSketch,TheTatler,TheBystander,andTheSportingandDramaticallinthesameweek?"



Thegirlnoddedhappily."Yes,I'mMarieHuguenot!"shesaid.

"AndI'mJackSummers;sonowweknoweachother."Hetookherhand."Marie,"hesaid,"eversinceIhavemendedyourbicycle--Imean,eversinceIhaveknownyou,Ihavelovedyou.Willyoumarryme?"

"Jack!"shecooed."Youdidsay'Jack,'didn'tyou?"

"Blessyou,Marie.Weshallbeverypoor,dear.Willyoumind?"

"Notwithyou,Jack.Atleast,notifyoumeanwhatImeanby'verypoor.'"

"Twothousandayear."

"Yes,that'saboutwhatImeant."

Jacktookherinhisarms.

"AndMaryHugginscangoandmarrythePope,"hesaid,withasmile.

Withalookofalarminhereyesshepushedhimsuddenlyawayfromher.Therewasacrashashisfootwentthroughthefrontwheelofthe

bicycle."MaryHuggins?"shecried.

"Yes,IwasleftafortuneonconditionthatImarriedapersoncalledMaryHuggins.Absurd!Asthough----"

"Howmuch?"

"Oh,quitealotifitwasn'tfortheseconfoundeddeathduties.Fivemillionpounds.Yousee----"

"Jack,Jack!"criedthegirl."Don'tyouunderstand?IamMary

Huggins."

Helookedatherinamazement.

"YousaidyournamewasMarieHuguenot,"hesaidslowly.

"Mystagename,dear.NaturallyIcouldn't--Imean,onemust--youknowhowparticularmanagersare.WhenfatherdiedandIhadtogoonthestageforaliving----"

"Marie,mydarling!"

Maryroseandpickedupherbicycle.Theairhadgoneoutoftheback

wheelagain,andtherewerefourspokesbroken,butshedidnotheedit.

"Youmustwritetoyourlawyerto-night,"shesaid."Won'thebesurprised?"

But,beingagreatreaderofthemagazines,hewasn't.



THESTATESMAN

OnacertainnightinthemiddleoftheseasonallLondonwasgatheredinLadyMarchpane'sdrawing-room;allLondon,thatis,whichwasworthknowing--aqualificationwhichaccountedfortheabsenceofseveralmillionpeoplewhohadneverheardofLadyMarchpane.InonecorneroftheroomanAmbassador,withafewribbonsacrosshischest,couldhavebeenseenchattingtothelatestAmericanDuchess;inanothercorneroneofourlargestAdvertiserswasexchangingepigramswithatitledNewspaperProprietor.FamousGeneralsrubbedshoulderswithPost-ImpressionistArtists;FinancierswhisperedsweetnothingstoBreedersofprizePoms;evenanActor-ManagermighthavebeenseenacceptinganapologyfromaRoyaltywhohadjostledhim.

"Hallo,"saidAlgyLascelles,catchingsightofthedignifiedfigureofRupertMerytoninthecrowd;"how'sWilliam?"

AraresmilelitupRupert'sdistinguishedfeatures.HewasUnderSecretaryforInvasionAffairs,and"William"wasAlgy'spleasantwayofreferringtotheBillwhichhewasnowpilotingthroughtheHouseofCommons.Itwasameasurefordoingsomethingorotherbymeansofawhat-d'you-call-it--IcannotbemoreprecisewithoutprecipitatingaEuropeanConflict.

"Ithinkweshallgetitthrough,"saidRupertcalmly.

"LadyMarchpanewastalkingaboutitjustnow.She'sratherinterested,youknow."

Rupert'slipsclosedabouthismouthinafirmline.HelookedoverAlgy'sheadintothecrowd."Oh!"hesaidcoldly.

ItwasbarelytenyearsagothatyoungMeryton,justdownfromOxford,hadstartledthepoliticalworldbycapturingtheimportantseatofCricklewood(E.)fortheTariffadicals--as,toavoidplungingthecountryintoCivilWar,Imustcallthem.Thiswasataby-election,and

theLiberativeshadimmediatelydissolved,onlytocomeintopoweraftertheGeneralElectionwithanincreasedmajority.Throughtheyearsthatfollowed,RupertMeryton,byhispertinacityinaskingtheInvasionSecretaryquestionswhichhadbeenansweredbyhimonthepreviousday,andbyhisregardforthedignityoftheHouse,asshowninhisinvariablecomment,"Come,come--notquitethegentleman,"uponanydisplayofbadmannersopposite,establishedaclearrighttoapostinthesubsequentTariffadicalGovernment.HehadnowbeenUnderSecretaryfortwoyears,andinthisBillhisfirstrealchancehadcome.

"Oh,thereyouare,Mr.Meryton,"saidavoice."Comeandtalktomeamoment."WithanodtoacoupleofArchbishopsLadyMarchpaneledthewaytoalittlegallerywhitherthecrowdhadnotpenetrated.Priceless

Correggios,Tintorettos,andG.K.Chestertonshunguponthewalls,butitwasnottoshowhimthesethatshehadcome.DroppingintoawonderfuloldChippendalechair,shemotionedhimtoaBlundell-Mapleoppositeher,andlookedathimwithacurioussmile.

"Well,"shesaid,"abouttheBill?"

Rupert'slipsclosedabouthismouthinafirmline.(Hewasrathergoodatthis.)Foldinghisarms,hegazedsteadilyintoLadyMarchpane'sstillbeautifuleyes.



"Itwillgothrough,"hesaid."Throughallitsstages,"headdedprofessionally.

"Itmustnotgothrough,"saidLadyMarchpanegently.

Rupertcouldnotrepressastart,buthewasmasterofhimselfagaininamoment.

"Icannotaddanythingtomypreviousstatement,"hesaid.

"Ifitgoesthrough,"beganLadyMarchpane----

"Imustreferyou,"saidRupert,"tomyanswerofyesterday."

"Come,come,Mr.Meryton,whatisthegoodoffencingwithme?Youknowtheposition.OrshallIstateitforyouagain?"

"Icannotbelieveyouareserious."

"Iamperfectlyserious.Therearereasons,financialreasons--andothers--whyIdonotwantthisBilltopass.Inreturnformysilenceuponacertainmatter,youaregoingtopreventitpassing.YouknowtowhatIrefer.Onthe4thofMaylast----"

"Stop!"criedRuperthoarsely.

"Onthe4thofMaylast,"LadyMarchpanewentonrelentlessly,"youandI--intheabsenceofmyhusbandabroad--hadteatogetheratanA.B.C."(Rupertcoveredhisfacewithhishands.)"Iamnofonderofscandalthanyouare,butifyoudonotmeetmywishesIshallcertainlyconfessthetruthtoMarchpane."

"Youwillberuinedtoo!"saidRupert.

"Myhusbandwillforgivemeandtakemeback."Shepausedsignificantly."WillMarjorieHale----"(Rupertcoveredhishandswithhisface)--"will

thegoodMissHaleforgiveyou?Sheisverystrict,isshenot?Andrich?Andrisingyoungpoliticianswantmoneymorethanscandal."Sheraisedherheadsuddenlyatthesoundoffootsteps."Ah,Archbishop,IwasjustcallingMr.Meryton'sattentiontothiswonderfulBotticell----"(shelookedatitmoreclosely)----"thiswonderfulDanaGibson.Abeautifulpieceofwork,isitnot?"Theintruderspassedontothesupper-room,andtheywerealoneagain.

"WhatamItodo?"saidRupertsullenly.

"ThefateoftheBillissettledto-dayweek,whenyoumakeyourbigspeech.Youmustspeakagainstit.Confessfranklyyouweremistaken.Itwillbeaclosething,anyhow.Yourinfluencewillturnthescale."

"Itwillruinmepolitically."

"YouwillmarryMarjorieHaleandberich.Norichmaniseverruinedpolitically.Orsocially."Shepattedhishandgently."You'lldoit?"

Hegotupslowly."You'llseenextweek,"hesaid.

ItisnotmeetthatweshouldwatchtheunhappyRupertthroughthelong-drawnhoursofthenight,ashewrestledwiththeterribleproblem.



Amoment'ssuddenmadnessonthatMayafternoonhadbroughthimtothecross-roads.Ontheonehand,reputation,wealth,thegirlthatheloved;ontheother,hisownhonourand--so,atleast,hehadsaidseveraltimesontheplatform--thesafetyofEngland.Heroseinthemorningweary,butwithhismindmadeup.

TheBillshouldgothrough!

RupertMerytonwasaspeakerofanotunusualtype.Althoughheprovidedtheopinionshimself,healwaysdependeduponhissecretaryfortheargumentswithwhichtosupportthemandtheactualwordsinwhichtogivethembeing.Butonthisoccasionhefeltthataspecialeffortwasrequiredofhim.HewouldshowLadyMarchpanethattheblackmailofyesterdayhadonlyrousedhimtoastillgreatereffortonbehalfofhiscountry.Hewouldwritehisownspeech.

OnthefatefulnighttheHousewascrowded.ItseemedthatalltheguestsatLadyMarchpane'saweekbeforewereintheDistinguishedStrangers'GalleryorbehindtheLadies'Grille.FromthePressGallery"OurSpecialWord-painter"lookeddownuponthestatesmenbeneathhim,hiseagleeyereadytodetectonthemomenttheAngryFlush,theWince,ortheSuddenPalingofenemy,theGrimSmileortheLoftyCalmoffriend.

TheRt.Hon.RupertMeryton,TariffadicalMemberforCricklewood(E.)rosetohisfeetamidstcheers.

"Mr.Speaker,"hesaid,"Irise--er--to-night,sir--h'r'm,to--er----"SomuchofhisspeechImaygive,buturgentStatereasonscompelmetowithholdtherest.WereiteverknownwithwhichBillthesecrethistorythatIhavedisclosedconcernsitself,theGreatPowersinaninstantwouldbeateachother'sthroats.ButthoughImaynotdisclosethespeechIcantellofitseffectontheHouse.Anditseffectwascurious.Itwas,infact,theexactoppositeofwhatRupertMeryton,thatpromisingUnderSecretary,hadintended.

Itwasthefirstspeechthathehadeverpreparedhimself.ThanRupert

therewasnomoredignifiedfigureintheHouseofCommons;hishonourwasproof,aswehaveseen,againstthemostinsidioustemptations;yet,sinceonemancannothaveallthevirtues,hewasdistinctlystupid.Itwouldhavebeenahopelessspeechanyhow;but,tomakemattersworse,hehad,inthemostimportantpartofit,attemptedirony.AndatthebeginningoftheironicalpassageeventheTariffadicalword-paintershadtoconfessthatitwastheirownstalwartswho"suddenlypaled."

AsLadyMarchpanehadsaid,itwasboundtobeaclosething.TheLiberativesandtheUnialists,ofcourse,weresolidagainsttheBill,buttherewasalsosomethingofacaveintheTariffadicalParty.Itwasboundtobeaclosething,andRupert'sspeechjustmadethedifference.Whenhesatdownthewaverersanddoubtershadmadeuptheirminds.

TheBillwasdefeated.

.....

ThattheTariffadicalsshouldresignwasnatural;perhapsitwasequallynaturalthatRupert'ssecretaryshouldresigntoo.HesaidthathisreputationwouldbegoneifRupertmadeanymorespeechesonhisown,andthathewasn'tgoingtoriskit.WithouthissecretaryRupertwaslostattheGeneralElectionwhichfollowed.Fortunatelyhehada



gratefulfriendinLadyMarchpane.SheexertedherinfluencewiththeLiberatives,andgothimanappointmentasGovernoroftheStickjawIslands.Here,withhisbeautifulandrichwife,SirRupertMerytonmaintainsaregalstate,anduponhisnamenobreathofscandalrests.Indeed,hisonlytroublesofarhasbeenwiththeStickjawlanguage--adifficultlanguage,butonewhich,perhapsfortunately,doesnotlenditselftoirony.

THEMAGNATE

ItwasinOctober,19--thattheword"Zinc"firstbegantobeheardinfinancialcircles.Citymen,pushingtheirdominoesregretfullyaway,andmurmuring"Zinc"inapologetictones,werebackintheirofficesbythreeo'clock,forgettingintheirhastetoleavetheusualtwopenceunderthecupforthewaitress.Clubmen,glancingatthetapeontheirwaytothesmoking-room,saidtotheirneighbours,"Zinc'smovedapoint,Isee,"beforecoveringthemselvesupwithTheTimes.Inthetrains,returninghusbandsaskedeachotherloudly,"What'sallthisaboutzinc?"--allsavetheveryinnocentones,whowhispered,"Isay,whatiszincexactly?"Themusic-hallstookitup.Nosoonerhadthe

word"Zinc"leftthelipsofanacknowledgedcomedianthanthehousewasinroarsoflaughter.ThefuroreattheCollodiumwhenOctaviusOcto,inhisworld-famouspartofthelandladyofaboarding-house,remarked,"Iknowwhymyoleman'ssolate.'E'sbuyingzinc,"isstillrememberedinthebarsroundPiccadilly.

.....

Toexplainitproperlyitwillbenecessary(myreaderswillbealarmedtohear)togobacksomethirtyyears.This,asasimplecalculationshows,takesustoJune,18--.ItwasinJune,18--thatFelixMoses,astoutyoungmanofattractiveappearance(ifyoucareforthatstyle),tookhiscourageinbothhands,andtoldPhyllidaSloanthathewas

worthtenthousandayearandwaschanginghisnametoMountenay.MissSloan,seeingthatitwasthebeginningofaproposal,saidhastilythatshewaschangingherstoAbraham.

"You'remarryingLeoAbraham?"askedFelixinamazement."Ah!"Agustofjealousysweptoverhim.Helickedhislips.Therewasadangerouslookinhiseyes--alookthatwasdestinedinafterdaystomakeEmperorsandrivalfinanciersquail."Ah!"hesaidsoftly."LeoAbraham!Ishallnotforget!"

.....

Andnowitwillbenecessary(myreaderswillberelievedtolearn)to

jumpforwardsomethirtyyears.ThisobviouslytakesustoSeptember19--.LetusonthisfineSeptembermorningtakeapeepinto"No.--ThrogneedleStreet,E.C.,"andseehowthebusinessofthemothercityiscarriedon.

Onthefourthfloorwecometothesanctumofthegreatmanhimself."Mr.FelixMountenay--Noadmittance,"ispaintedupontheouterdoor.ItisanamewhichisknownandfearedalloverEurope.Mr.Mountenay'sprivatedetectivestandsononesideofthedoor;ontheothersideisMr.Mountenay'sprivatewolf-hound.Murmuringtheword"Press,"however,



wepasshastilythrough,andfindourselvesbeforeMr.Mountenayhimself.Mr.Mountenayisatwork;letuswatchhimthroughatypicalfiveminutes.

Foramomenthestandsmeditatinginthemiddleoftheroom.Kingsaretotteringontheirthrones.Empireshanguponhisnod.Whatwillhedecide?Suddenlyheblowsacloudofsmokefromhiscigar,andrushestothetelephone.

"Hallo!Isthatyou,Jones?...WhatareMargarinePrefs.at?...What?...No,MargarinePrefs.,idiot....Ah!Thensell.KeeponsellingtillItellyoutostop....Yes."

Hehangsupthereceiver.Fortwominuteshepacestheroom,smokingrapidly.Hestopsamoment...butitisonlytoremovehiscigar-band,whichisindangerofburning.Thenheresumeshispacings.Anotherminutegoesrapidlyby.Herushestothetelephoneagain.

"Hallo!Isthatyou,Jones?...WhatareMargarinePrefs.downtonow?...Ah!Thenbuy.Keeponbuying....Yes."

Hehangsupthereceiver.Bythismaster-strokehehasmadeaquarterofamillion.Itmayseemtoyouormeaneasywayofdoingit.Ah,butwhat,wemustaskourselves,ofthegreatbrainthatconceivedtheidea,

theforesightwhichtoldtheexactmomentwhentoputitintoaction,thecoolcouragewhichseizedthemoment--whatofthegraspofaffairs,theknowledgeofmen?Ah!Canwegrudgeithimthatheearnsaquarterofamillionmorequicklythanwedo?

YetMr.FelixMountenayisnothappy.Whenwehavebroughtoffacoupforahundredthousandeven,wesmilegaily.Mr.Mountenaydidnotsmile.Fiercelyhebitanotherinchoffhiscigar,andmutteredtohimself.

Thewordswere"LeoAbraham!Wait!"

.....

Thisispositivelythelastrowofdots.Letustakeadvantageofthemtojumpforwardanothermonth.ItwasOctober1st,19--.(IfthatwasaSunday,thenitwasOctober2nd.Anyhow,itwasOctober.)

Mr.FelixMountenaywassleepinginhisoffice.Foroncethatironbrainrelaxed.Hehadmadealittleoverthreemillioninthelastmonth,andthestrainwastoomuchforhim.Butaknockatthedoorrestoredhiminstantlytohisowncoolself.

"Ibegyourpardon,sir,"saidhissecretary,"butsomebodyissellingzinc."

Theword"zinc"touchedachordinMr.Mountenay'sbrainwhichhadlaindormantforyears.Zinc!WhydidzincremindhimofLeoAbraham?

"FetchtheEncyclopediaBritannica,quick!"hecried.

Thesecretary,amanofherculeanbuild,returnedwithsomeofit.Withtheluckwhichproverbiallyattendsrichmen,Mr.Mountenaypickedupthe"Z"volumeatonce.AshereadtheZincarticleitallcamebacktohim.LeoAbrahamhadownedanemptyzinc-mine!Washisenemyinhisclutchesatlast?



"Buy!"hesaidbriefly.

Inafortnightthesecretaryhadreturned.

"Well,"saidMr.Mountenay,"haveyouboughtallthezincthereis?"

"Yes,sir,"saidthesecretary."Andalotthatthereisn't,"headded.

"Good!"Hepausedamoment."WhenMr.LeoAbrahamcalls,"headdedgrimly,"showhimupatonce."

ItwasamonthlaterthatahaggardmanclimbedthestairsofNo.--ThrogneedleStreet,andwasshownintoMr.Mountenay'sroom.

"Well,"saidthefinanciersoftly,"whatcanIdoforyou?"

"Iwantsomezinc,"saidLeoAbergavenny.

"Zinc,"saidMr.Mountenay,withasmile,"isamillionpoundsaton.Oranacre,oragallon,orhoweveryouprefertobuyit,"headdedhumorously.

Leowentwhite.

"Youwishtoruinme?"

"Ido.ApromiseImadetoyourwifesomeyearsago."

"Mywife?"criedLeo."Whatdoyoumean?I'mnotmarried."

ItwasMr.Mountenay'sturntogowhite.Hewentit.

"Notmarried?ButMissSloan----"

Mr.LeoAbergavennysatdownandmoppedhisface.

"Idon'tknowwhatyoumean,"hesaid."IaskedMissSloantomarryme,andtoldherIwaschangingmynametoAbergavenny.AndshesaidthatshewaschangingherstoMoses.Naturally,Ithought----"

"Stop!"criedMr.Mountenay.Hesatdownheavily.Somethingseemedtohavegoneoutofhislife;inamomenttheworldwasempty.Helookedupathisoldrival,andforcedalaugh.

"Well,well,"hesaid;"shedeceivedusboth.Letusdrinktoourluckyescape."Herangthebell.

"Andthen,"hesaidinapurringvoice,"wecanhavealittletalkaboutzinc.Afterall,businessisstillbusiness."

THEDOCTOR

Hisslipperedfeetstretchedoutluxuriouslytothefire,Dr.Venables,ofMudford,laybackinhisarm-chairandgavehimselfuptothedelightsofhisFlordiCabajo,No.2,aboxofwhichhadbeenpresented



tohimbyanapparentlygratefulpatient.Ithadbeenabusyday.Hehadprescribedmorethanhalfadozenhotmilk-puddingsandadozenchangesofair;hehadpromisedascoreoftimestolookinagainto-morrow;andtheWidowNixeyhadtoldhimyetagain,butatgreaterlengththanbefore,herprivateopinionofdoctors.

SometimesGordonVenableswonderedwhetheritwasonlyforthisthathehadbeenthemostnotablestudentofhisyearatSt.Bartholomew's.Hisbrilliance,indeed,hadcausedsomethingofasensationinmedicalcircles,andaremarkablecareerhadbeenprophesiedforhim.ItwasVenableswhohadbrokenuponeSuffragemeetingafteranotherbythrowingwhitemiceatthewomenontheplatform;whodayafterdayhadparadedLondondressedinthecostumeofabrowndog,untilarrestedforbitingananti-vivisectorintheleg.Nowonderthatalltheprizesoftheprofessionwereannouncedtobewithinhisgrasp,andthatwhenheburiedhimselfinthelittlecountrytownofMudfordhewasthoughttohavethrownawayrecklesslyopportunitiessuchasweregrantedtofew.

HehadbeeninMudfordforfiveyearsnow.AnoccasionalpaperinTheLanceton"TheRecurrenceofAnthro-philomelitisinEarth-worms"kepthimintouchwithmodernmedicalthought,buthecouldnothelpfeelingthattosomeextenthispowerswererustinginMudford.AstheyearswentonhischanceofHarleyStreetdwindled.

"Comein,"hesaidinanswertoaknockatthedoor.Thehousekeeper'sheadappeared.

"There'sbeenanaccident,sir,"shegasped."Gentlemanrunover!"

Hesnatcheduphisstethoscopeand,withoutevenwaitingtoinquirewheretheaccidentwas,hurriedintothenight.Somethingwhisperedtohimthathischancehadcome.

Afteraquarterofanhourhestoppedasmallboy.

"Hallo,Johnny,"hesaidbreathlessly,"where'stheaccident?"

Theboylookedathimwithopenmouthforsomemoments.Thenhehadanidea.

"Why,it'sDoctor!"hesaid.

Dr.Venablespushedhimoverandranon....

ItwasintheHighStreetthattheaccidenthadhappened.LordLair,aneccentricoldgentlemanwhosometimeswalkedwhenhemighthavedriven,had,whiledodgingamotor-car,beenrunintobyachild'shoop.Helaynowonthepavementsurroundedbyalargeandinterestedcrowd.

"Lookout,"shoutedsomebodyfromtheoutskirts;"herecomesDoctor."

Dr.Venablespushedhiswaythroughtohispatient.Hislongsearchforthesceneoftheaccidenthadexhaustedhimbodily,buthismindwasasclearasever.

"Standbackthere,"hesaidinanauthoritativevoice.Then,takingouthisstethoscope,hemadearapidexaminationofhispatient.

"Incisedwoundinthetibia,"hemurmuredtohimself."Slightabrasion



ofthepatellaandcontusionoftheleftankle.Theinjuriesareseriousbutnotnecessarilymortal.Whoishe?"

Thebutcher,whohadbeensittingontheheadofthefallenman,gotupanddisclosedthefeaturesofLordLair.Dr.Venablesstaggeredback.

"Hislordship!"hecried."HeisapatientofDr.Scott's!Ihaveattendedtheclientofanotherpractitioner!ProfessionallyIamruined!"

LordLair,whowasnowbreathingmoreeasily,openedhiseyes.

"Takemehome,"hegroaned.

Dr.Venables'situationwasaterribleone.Medicaletiquettedemandedhisimmediateretirementfromthecase,butthepromptingsofhumanityandthethoughtofhisclient'simportantpositionintheworldweretoostrongforhim.Throwinghisscruplestothewinds,heassistedtheagedpeerontoahastilyimprovisedstretcherandaccompaniedhimtotheHall.

Hislordshiponceinbed,thedoctorexaminedhimagain.Itwasobviousimmediatelythattherewasonlyonehopeofsavingthepatient'slife.Aninjectionofanthro-philomelitismustbegivenwithoutlossoftime.

Dr.Venablestookoffhiscoatandrolleduphissleeves.Henevertravelledwithoutasmallbottleofthisseruminhiswaistcoatpocket--aserumwhich,asmyreadersknow,ispreparedfromtheearth-worm,inwhosebody(fortunately)largedepositsofanthro-philomelitisarecontinuallyfound.Withhelpfromafootmaninholdingdownthepatient,theinjectionwasmade.InlessthanayearLordLairwasrestoredtohealth.

.....

Dr.GordonVenables'casecamebeforetheBritishMedicalCouncilearlyinOctober.Thecountsintheindictmentweretwo.

Thefirstwasthat,"onthe17thofJunelast,Dr.GordonVenablesdidfeloniouslyandwithmaliceaforethoughtcommitthedisgustingandinfamouscrimeofattendingprofessionallytheclientofanotherpractitioner."

Thesecondwasthat"inthecourseofrenderingprofessionalservicestothesaidclient,Dr.Venablesdidknowinglyandwittinglyemploytheassistanceofonewhowasnotaproperlyregisteredmedicalman,towit,ThomasBoiling,footman,therebyshowinghimselftobeascurvyfellowofinfamousmorals."

Dr.Venablesdecidedtoapologise.Healsodecidedtosendinanaccount

toLordLairfortwohundredandfiftyguineas.Hejustifiedthistohimselfmainlyonthegroundthat,accordingtoaletterinthatweek'sLancet,thesupplyofanthro-philomelitisinearth-wormswassuddenlygivingout,andthatitwasnecessarytorecouphimselfforthegenerousquantityhehadinjectedintoLordLair.Naturally,also,hefeltthathislordship,astheauthorofthewholetrouble,owedhimsomething.

TheCouncil,inconsiderationofhisapology,dismissedthefirstcount.Onthesecondcount,however,theystruckhimofftheregister.



Itwasaterriblepositionforayoungdoctortobein,butGordonVenablesfaceditlikeaman.WithLordLair'sfeeinhispockethecametotownandtookahouseinHarleyStreet.Whenhehadpaidthefirstquarter'srentandthefirstinstalmentonthehiredfurniture,hehadfiftypoundsleft.

Tenpoundshespentonembossedstationery.

Fortypoundshespentonpostage-stamps.

Forthenextthreemonthsnojournalwascompletewithoutaletterfrom999HarleyStreet,signed"GordonVenables,"inwhichtheiniquityofhistreatmentbytheBritishMedicalCouncilwasdweltuponwiththefervourofamanwhoknewhissubjectthoroughly;nosuchletterwascompletewithoutaside-referencetoanthro-philomelitis(asfound,happily,inearth-worms)andtheanthro-philomelitistreatment(asrecommendedbypeers).SixmonthspreviouslythenameofVenableshadbeenutterlyunknowntothemaninthestreet.Inthreemonths'timeitwasbetterknowneventhan----'s,thewell-known----.

One-halfofLondonsaidhewasaninfamousquack.

TheotherhalfofLondonsaidhewasamartyredgenius.

Bothhalvesagreedthat,afterall,onemightaswelltrythisnewwhat-you-may-call-ittreatment,justtoseeiftherewasanythinginit,don'tyouknow.

ItwasonlylastweekthatMr.Venablesmadeanexcellentspeechagainstthesuper-tax.

THENEWSPAPERPROPRIETOR

ThegreatHectorStrong,lordofjournalismandswayerofempires,pacedthefloorofhisluxuriousapartmentwithbowedhead,hiscorrugatedcountenancefurrowedwithlinesofanxiety.Hehadjustreturnedfromalunchwithallhisfavouriteadvertisers...butitwasnotthiswhichtroubledhim.HewasthinkingoutanewpolicyforTheDailyVane.

Suddenlyherememberedsomething.Cominguptotowninhisthirdmotor,hehadglancedthroughthenineteenperiodicalswhichhishousehadpublishedthatmorning,andinonecasehadnotedmatterforseriouscriticism.Thiswasobviouslythefirstbusinesshemustdealwith.

Heseatedhimselfathisdeskandpushedthebellmarked"38."Instantlyafootmanpresentedhimselfwithatrayofsandwiches.

"Whatdoyouwant?"saidStrongcoldly.

"Yourangforme,sir,"repliedthetremblingmenial.

"Goaway,"saidStrong.Recognizingmagnanimously,however,thatthemistakewashisown,hepressedbell"28."InanothermomenttheeditorofSloppyChunkswasbeforehim.

"Into-day'snumber,"saidStrong,ashetoyedwithabluepencil,"you



apologizeforamistakeinlastweek'snumber."Hewaitedsternly.

"Itwasaverybadmistake,sir,I'mafraid.Wedidagreatinjusticeto----"

"Youknowmyrule,"saidStrong."ThemistakeoflastweekIcouldhaveoverlooked.Theapologyofthisweekisamoreseriousmatter.Youwillaskforamonth'ssalaryonyourwayout."Hepressedabuttonandtheeditordisappearedthroughthetrap-door.

Aloneagain,HectorStrongthoughtkeenlyforamoment.Thenhepressedbell"38."Instantlyafootmanpresentedhimselfwithatrayofsandwiches.

"Whatdoyoumeanbythis?"roaredStrong,hisironself-controlforamomentgivingway.

"Ib-begyourpardon,sir,"stammeredtheman."Ith-thought----"

"Getout!"Asthefootmanretired,Strongpassedhishandacrosshisforehead."Mymemoryisbadto-day,"hemurmured,andpushedbell"48."

Atallthinmanentered.

"Ah,goodafternoon,Mr.Brownlow,"saidtheProprietor.Hetoyedwithhisbluepencil."Letmesee,whichofourpapersareunderyourchargeatthemoment?"

Mr.Brownlowreflected.

"Justnow,"hesaid,"IameditingSnippetySnips,TheWhoop,TheGirls'OwnAunt,Parings,Slosh,TheSundaySermon,andBackChat."

"Ah!Well,IwantyoutotakeonSloppyChunkstooforalittlewhile.Mr.Symeshashadtoleaveus."

"Yes,sir."Mr.Brownlowbowedandmovedtothedoor.

"Bytheway,"Strongsaid,"yourlastnumberofSloshwasverygood.Verygoodindeed.Icongratulateyou.Goodday."

Leftalone,HectorStrong,lordofjournalismandswayerofempires,resumedhispacings.Histwomistakeswiththebelltoldhimthathewasdistinctlynothimselfthisafternoon.WasitonlytheneedofanewpolicyforTheVanewhichtroubledhim?Orwasit----

CoulditbeLadyDorothy?

LadyDorothyNealwassomethingofanenigmatoHectorStrong.Hewas

makingmorethanamillionpoundsayear,andyetshedidnotwanttomarryhim.Sometimeshewonderedifthewomanwerequitesane.Yet,madorsane,helovedher.

Asecretaryknockedandentered.HewaitedsubmissivelyforhalfanhouruntiltheProprietorlookedup.

"Well?"

"LadyDorothyNealwouldliketoseeyouforamoment,sir."



"Showherin."

LadyDorothycameinbrightly.

"Whatnice-lookingmenyouhavehere,"shesaid."Whoistheoneinthebluewaistcoat?Hehascurlyhair."

"Youdidn'tcometotalkabouthim?"saidHectorreproachfully.

"Ididn'tcometotalktohimreally,butifyoukeepmewaitinghalfanhour----Why,whatareyoudoing?"

Stronglookedupfromthenotehewaswriting.Thetenderlineshadgonefromhisface,andhehadbecomethesternmanofactionagain.

"Iamgivinginstructionsthattheservicesofmycommissionaire,hall-boy,andfifthsecretarywillnolongerberequired."

"Don'tdothat,"pleadedDorothy.

Strongtoreupthenoteandturnedtoher."Whatdoyouwantofme?"heasked.

Sheblushedandlookeddown."I--Ihavewrittena--aplay,"shefaltered.

Hesmiledindulgently.Hedidnotwriteplayshimself,butheknewthatotherpeopledid.

"Whendoesitcomeoff?"heasked.

"Themanagersaysitwillhavetoattheendoftheweek.Itcameonaweekago."

"Well,"hesmiled,"ifpeopledon'twanttogo,Ican'tmakethem."

"Yes,youcan,"shesaidboldly.

Hegaveastart.Hisbrainworkingatlightningspeedsawthepossibilitiesinaninstant.AtonestrokehecouldwinLadyDorothy'sgratitude,provideTheDailyVanewithatemporarypolicy,andgiveaconvincingexhibitionofthepowerofhispress.

"Oh,Mr.Strong----"

"Hector,"hewhispered.Asherosefromhisdesktogotoher,heaccidentallypressedthebuttonofthetrap-door.Thenextmomenthewasalone.

.....

"ThattheBritishpublicisalwaysreadytowelcometheadventofacleanandwholesomehome-grownplayisshownbythestartlingsuccessofChristina'sMistake,whichisattractingsuchcrowdstoTheKing'severynight."SowroteTheDailyVane,andcontinuedinthesamestrainforacolumn.

"Clublandiskeenlyexercised,"wroteTheEveningVane,"overaproblemofetiquettewhicharisesintheSecondActofChristina's



Mistake,thegreatautumnsuccessatTheKing'sTheatre.Thepointisshortlythis.Shouldawoman..."Andsoon.

"Aprettylittlestoryisgoingtherounds,"saidSlosh,"anentthatcharminglittlelady,EstelleRito,whoplaysthepartofagovernessinChristina'sMistake,forwhich('Manager'Barodoinformsme)advancebookinguptoChristmashasalreadybeentaken.ItseemsthatMissRito,whenshoppinginthepurlieusofBondStreet..."

SloppyChunkshadajokewhichsetalltheworldlaughing.Itwascalled----

"BETWEENTHEACTS

Flossie.'Who'stheladyintheboxwithMr.Johnson?'

Gussie.'Hush!It'shiswife!'

AndFlossiegiggledsomuchthatshecouldhardlylistentothelastActofChristina'sMistake,whichshehadbeenlookingforwardtoforweeks!"

TheSundaySermonofferedfreeticketstoahundredunmarriedsuburbangirls,towhichclassChristina'sMistakemightbesupposedtomakea

specialreligiousappeal.ButtheyhadtocollectcouponsfirstforTheSundaySermon.

And,finally,TheTimes,oftwomonthslater,said:

"AmarriagehasbeenarrangedbetweenLadyDorothyNeal,daughteroftheEarlofSkye,andtheHon.GeoffreyBollinger."

.....

Thanasuccessfulrevengenothingissweeterinlife.HectorStrongwasnotthemantospareanyonewhohaddonehimaninjury.YetIthinkhismethodofrevenginghimselfuponLadyDorothysavouredofthe

diabolical.HeprintedaphotographofherinTheDailyPictureGallery.Itwasheaded"TheBeautifulLadyDorothyNeal."

THECOLLECTOR

WhenPeterPlimsoll,theGlueKing,died,hispartingadvicetohissonstosticktothebusinesswasfollowedonlybyJohn,theelder.Adrian,theyounger,hadasoulaboveadhesion.Hedisposedofhisshareintheconcernandsettleddowntofollowthelifeofagentlemanoftasteand

cultureand(moreparticularly)patronofthearts.Hebeganinamodestwaytocollectink-pots.Hisrangeatfirstwascatholic,anditwasnotuntilhehadacquiredahundredandforty-sevenink-potsofvariousdesignsthathedecidedtomakeaspecialityofhistoricones.ThisdecisionwashastenedbythediscoverythatoneofQueenElizabeth'sinkstands--supposed(bytheowner)tobetheidenticalonewithwhoseaidshewroteherlastlettertoRaleigh--wasabouttobeputonthemarket.AtsomeexpenseAdrianobtainedanintroduction,throughathirdparty,totheowner;atmoreexpensetheownerobtained,throughthesamegentleman,anintroductiontoAdrian;andinlessthanamonththe



greatElizabethInk-potwassafelyestablishedinAdrian'shouse.Itwasthebeginningofthe"PlimsollCollection."

Thiswastwentyyearsago.Letusto-daytakeawalkthroughthegalleriesofMr.AdrianPlimsoll'scharmingresidence,which,astheworldknows,overlooksthepark.AnyfriendofmineisalwayswelcomeatNumberFifteen.WewillstartwiththeNorthGallery;IfearthatIshallonlyhavetimetopointoutafewofthechoicestgems.

ThisisaPontesioriswordofthethirteenthcentury--theonlyexampleofthemaster'sartwithoutanynotches.

OntheleftisaCapriccicomfit-box.IfyouhaveneverheardofCapricci,yououghtn'ttocometoahouselikethis.

HerewehavebeforeusthehistoricdeMontignytopaz.Askyourlittleboytotellyouaboutit.

IntheEastGallery,ofcourse,thechieftreasureistheSantodiSantoamulet,describedsominutelyinhisVindiciÃ¦VeritatisbyJohnofFlanders.TheoriginalMS.ofthisbookisintheSouthGallery.Youmustglanceatitwhenwegetthere.Itwillsaveyouthetroubleoforderingacopyfromyourlibrary;theywouldbesuretokeepyouwaiting....

WithsomesuchwordsastheseIleadmyfriendsroundNumberFifteen.ThemanytreasuresintheprivatepartsofthehouseImaynotshow,ofcourse;thebathroom,forinstance,inwhichhangsthefinestcollectionofportraitsofphilateliststhatEuropecanboast.YoumustspendanightwithAdriantobeadmittedtotheircompany;and,asoneoftheelect,Icanassureyouthatnothingcanbemorestimulatingonawinter'smorningthantocatchtheeyeofFrisbyDranger,F.Ph.S.,behindthetapsasyourheadfirstemergesfromtheicywaters.

.....

AdrianPlimsollsatatbreakfast,sippinghishotwaterandcrumblinga

drybiscuit.Alightwasinhiseye,aflushuponhispallidcountenance.HehadjustheardfromatrustyagentthattheScutoribreast-platehadbeenseeninDevonshire.Hiscarwasreadytotakehimtothestation.

Butalas!adisappointmentawaitedhim.Oncloseexaminationthebreast-plateturnedouttobeacommonRisoldoofinferiorworking.Adrianleftthehouseindisgustandstartedonhisseven-milewalkbacktothestation.Tocompletehismiseryasuddenstormcameon.CursingalternatelyhisagentandRisoldo,hemadehiswaytoacottageandaskedforshelter.

Anoldwomangreetedhimcivillyandbadehimcomein.

"IfImayjustwaittillthestormisover,"saidAdrian,andhesatdowninherparlourandlookedappraisingly(aswashishabit)roundtheroom.Thegrandfatherclockinthecornerwasgenuine,buthewasbeyondgrandfatherclocks.Therewasnothingelseofanyvalue:threechinadogsandsomeoddtrinketsonthechimney-piece;aprintortwo----

Stay!Whatwasthatbehindtheyoungestdog?

"MayIlookatthatoldbracelet?"heasked,hisvoicetremblinga



little;andwithoutwaitingforpermissionhewalkedoverandtookupthecircleoftarnishedmetalinhishands.Asheexaminedithiscolourcameandwent,hisheartseemedtostopbeating.Withatremendousefforthecomposedhimselfandreturnedtohischair.

ItwastheEmperor'sBracelet!

Ofcourseyouknowthehistoryofthismostfamousofallbracelets.MadebySpuriusQuintusofRomein47B.C.,itwasgivenbyCÃ¦sartoCleopatra,whotriedwithoutsuccesstodissolveitinvinegar.ReturningtoRomebywayofAntony,itwaswornataminorconflagrationbyNero,afterwhichitwaslostsightofformanycenturies.ItwaseventuallyheardofduringthereignofCanute(orKnut,ashisadmirerscalledhim);andJohnisknowntohavelostitintheWash,whenceitwasrecoveredacenturyafterwards.ItmusthavetravelledthencetoFrance,foritwasseenonceinthepossessionofLouisXI;andfromtheretoSpain,forPhiliptheHandsomepresentedittoJoannaonherweddingday.ColumbustookittoAmerica,butfortunatelybroughtitbackagain;PetertheGreatthrewitatanindifferentmusician;ononeofitslatervisitstoEnglandPopewroteacouplettoit.Andthemostastonishingthinginitswholehistorywasthatnowformorethanahundredyearsithadvanishedcompletely.ToturnupagaininalittleDevonshirecottage!Verily,truthisstrangerthanfiction.

"That'sratheracuriousbraceletofyours,"saidAdriancasually."My--er--wifehasonejustlikeit,whichsheaskedmetomatch.Isitanoldfriend,orwouldyoucaretosellit?"

"Mymothergaveitme,"saidtheoldwoman,"andshehaditfromhers.Idon'tknownofurtherthanthat.Ididn'tmeantosellit,but----"

"Quiteright,"saidAdrian,"and,afterall,Icaneasilygetanother."

"ButIwon'tsayabitofmoneywouldn'tbeuseful.Whatwouldyouthinkafairprice,sir?Fiveshillings?"

Adrian'sheartjumped.TogettheEmperor'sbraceletforfiveshillings!

Butthespiritofthecollectorroseupstrongwithinhim.Helaughedkindly.

"Mygoodwoman,"hesaid,"theyturnoutbraceletslikethatinBirminghamattwoshillingsapiece.Andquitenew.I'llgiveyoutenpence."

"Makeitone-and-sixpence,"shepleaded."Timesarehard."

Adrianreflected.Hewasnot,strictlyspeaking,impoverished.Hecouldaffordone-and-sixpence.

"One-and-tuppence,"hesaid.

"No,no,one-and-sixpence,"sherepeatedobstinately.

Adrianreflectedagain.Afterall,hecouldalwayssellitfortenthousandpounds,iftheworstcametotheworst.

"Well,well,"hesighed."One-and-sixpenceletitbe."

Hecountedoutthemoneycarefully.Then,puttingthepreciousbracelet



inhispocket,herosetogo.

.....

Adrianhasnorelationslivingnow.WhenhediesheproposestoleavethePlimsollCollectiontothenation,having--asfarashecanforesee--noparticularuseforitinthenextworld.Thisisreallyverygenerousofhim,andnodoubt,whenthetimecomes,thepaperswillsayso.Butitisapitythathecannotbeappreciatedproperlyinhislifetime.PersonallyIshouldliketoseehimknighted.

THEADVENTURER

LionelNorwood,fromhisearliestdays,hadbeenmarkedoutforalifeofcrime.Whenquiteachildhewasdiscoveredbyhisnursekillingfliesonthewindow-pane.Thiswasbeforethecharacterofthehouse-flyhadbecomeamatterofcommontalkamongscientists,andLionel(likeallgreatmen,alittlebeforehistime)hadpleadedhygieneinvain.Hewassmackedhastilyandbundledofftoapreparatoryschool,wherehisaptitudeforsmugglingsweetswouldhavelosthimmanyahalf-holiday

hadnothisservicesbeenrequiredatoutside-leftinthehockeyeleven.WithsomedifficultyhemanagedtopassintoEton,andthreeyearslater--with,onewouldimagine,stillmoredifficulty--managedtogetsuperannuated.AtCambridgehewentdown-hillrapidly.Hewouldthinknothingofsmokingacigarinacademicalcostume,andonatleastoneoccasionhedroveadogcartonSunday.Nowonderthathewasrequested,earlyinhissecondyear,togiveuphisstrugglewiththeLittle-goandbetakehimselfbacktoLondon.

LondonisalwaysgladtowelcomesuchpeopleasLionelNorwood.Innoothercityisitsosimpleforamanofeasyconsciencetoearnalivingbyhiswits.IfLioneleverhadanyscruples(which,afteraperusaloftheaboveaccountofhisearlydays,itmaybepermittedonetodoubt)

theywereremovedbyanaccidenttohissolicitor,whowasrunoverintheArgentineontheverydaythathearrivedtherewithwhatwasleftofLionel'smoney.Reducedsuddenlytopoverty,Norwoodhadnochoicebuttoenteruponalifeofcrime.

Except,perhaps,thatheusedslightlylesshair-oilthanmost,heseemedjusttheordinarymanabouttownashesatinhisdressing-gownonefinesummermorningandsmokedacigarette.Hisroomswerefurnishedquietlyandinthebestoftaste.Nosignsofhisnefariousprofessionshowedthemselvestothecasualvisitor.TheappealinglettersfromthePrincesswhomhewasblackmailing,thewireapparatuswhichshotthetwoofspadesdownhissleeveduringthecoon-cannightsattheclub,thethimbleandpeawithwhichhehadperformedthethree-cardtrickso

successfullyatEpsomlastweek--allthesewerehiddenawayfromthecommongaze.Itwasayounggentlemanoffashionwholoungedinhischairandtoyedwithapricelessstraight-cut.

Therewasatapatthedoor,andMasters,hisconfidentialvalet,camein.

"Well,"saidLionel,"haveyoulookedthroughthepost?"

"Yes,sir,"saidtheman."There'stheusualchequefromHerHighness,a



requestformoretimefromtheladyinTiteStreetwithtwopencetopayontheenvelope,andbanknotesfromtheProfessorasexpected.TheyounggentlemanofHillStreethasgoneabroadsuddenly,sir."

"Ah!"saidLionel,withasuddenfrown."Isupposeyou'dbettercrosshimoffourlist,Masters."

"Yes,sir.Ihadventuredtodoso,sir.Ithinkthat'sall,exceptthatMr.Snooksisgladtoacceptyourkindinvitationtodinnerandbridgeto-night.Willyouwearthehair-springcoat,sir,orthemetalclip?"

Lionelmadenoanswer.Hesatplungedinthought.Whenhespokeitwasaboutanothermatter.

"Masters,"hesaid,"IhavefoundoutLordFairlie'ssecretatlast.Ishallgotoseehimthisafternoon."

"Yes,sir.Willyouwearyourrevolver,sir,asit'safirstcall?"

"Ithinkso.Ifthiscomesoff,Masters,itwillmakeourfortune."

"Ihopeso,I'msure,sir."Mastersplacedthewhiskywithinreachandlefttheroomsilently.

Alone,LionelpickeduphispaperandturnedtotheAgonyColumn.Aseverybodyknows,theAgonyColumnofadailypaperisnotactuallysodomesticasitseems.When"Mother"apparentlysaysto"Floss,""Comehomeatonce.Fathergoneawayforweek.BertandSidlongingtoseeyou,"whatisreallyhappeningisthatBarneyHokeristellingJudBatsontomeethimoutsidetheDukeofWestminster'slittleplaceat3a.m.preciselyonTuesdaymorning,notforgettingtobringhisjemmyandadarklanternwithhim.AndFloss'sannouncementnextday,"CominghomewithGeorge,"isJud'swayofsayingthathewillturnupallright,andhalfthinksofbringinghisautomaticpistolwithhimtoo,incaseofaccidents.

Inthislanguage--which,ofcourse,takessomelittlelearning--LionelNorwoodhadlongbeenanexpert.Theadvertisementwhichhewasnowreadingwasunusuallyelaborate:

"Lost,inataxibetweenBakerStreetandShepherd'sBush,agold-mountedumbrellawithinitials'J.P.'onit.IfEllenwillreturntoherfatherimmediatelyallwillbeforgiven.Whitespotonforeleg.Motherveryanxiousanddesirestoreturnthanksforkindenquiries.AnswerstothenameofPonto.Bisdatquicitodat."

Whatdiditmean?ForLionelithadnosecrets.HewasreadingtherevelationbyoneofhisagentsoftheskeletoninLordFairlie'scupboard!

LordFairliewasoneofthemostdistinguishedmembersoftheCabinet.Hisveinofhighseriousness,hisloftydemeanour,thesincerityofhismannerendearedhimnotonlytohisownparty,buteven(astoundingasitmayseem)toafewhigh-mindedmenupontheotherside,whoadmitted,inmomentsofexpansionwhichtheyprobablyregrettedafterwards,thathemight,afterall,beasdevotedtohiscountryastheywere.Foryearsnowhislifehadbeenwithoutblemish.Itwasimpossibletobelievethateveninhisyouthhecouldhavesownanywildoats;terribletothinkthatthesewildoatsmightnowbecominghometo



roost.

"Whatdoyourequireofme?"hesaidcourteouslytoLionel,asthelatterwasshownintohisstudy.

Lionelwenttothepointatonce.

"Iamhere,mylord,"hesaid,"onbusiness.Inthecourseofmyordinaryavocations"--theparliamentaryatmosphereseemedtobeaffectinghislanguage--"Iascertainedacertainsecretinyourpastlifewhich,ifitwererevealed,mightconceivablyhaveanotundamagingeffectuponyourcareer.FormysilenceinthismatterImustdemandasumoffiftythousandpounds."

LordFairliehadgrownpalerandpalerasthisspeechproceeded.

"Whathaveyoudiscovered?"hewhispered.Alas!heknewonlytoowellwhatthedamninganswerwouldbe.

"Twentyyearsago,"saidLionel,"youwroteahumorousbook."

LordFairliegaveastrangledcry.Hiskeenmindrecognizedinaflashwhataholdthisknowledgewouldgivehisenemies.ShaftsofFolly,hisbookhadbeencalled.Alreadyhesawtheleadingarticlesofthe

future:--"WeconfessourselvessomewhatatalosstoknowwhetherLordFairlie'sspeechatPlymouthyesterdaywasintendedasasupplementtohisearlierwork,ShaftsofFolly,orasaseriousofferingtoanationimpatientoflevityinsuchacrisis...."

"TheCabinet'sjester,inwhomtwentyyearsagothecountrylostanexcellentclownwithoutgainingastatesman,wasingreatformlastnight...."

"LordFairliehasamusedusinthepastwithhiscleverlittleparodies;hemayamuseusinthefuture;butasastatesmanwecan

onlyviewhimwithdisgust...."

"Well?"saidLionelatlast."Ithinkyourlordshipiswiseenoughtounderstand.Thediscoveryofasenseofhumourinamanofyoureminence----"

ButLordFairliewasalreadywritingoutthecheque.

THEEXPLORER

Astheeveningworeon--andoneyoungmanafteranotheraskedJocelynMontrevorifsheweregoingtoAscot,what?ortoHenley,what?orwhat?--shewonderedmoreandmoreifthiswereallthatlifewouldeverholdforher.Wouldshenevermeetaman,arealmanwhohaddonesomething?Theseboysaroundherwereverypleasant,sheadmittedtoherself;veryusefulindeed,sheadded,asoneapproachedherwithsomerefreshment;buttheywereonlyboys.

"Hereyouare,"saidFreddy,handingheraniceinthreecolours."I've



haditmadespeciallycoldforyou.Theyonlyhadthegreen,pink,andyellowjerseysleft;Ihopeyoudon'tmind.Thegreenpartisarsenic,Ibelieve.Ifyoudon'twantthewaferI'lltakeithomeandputitbetweenthesashesofmybedroomwindow.Therattlingkeptmeawakealllastnight.That'swhyI'mlookingsoill,bytheway."

Jocelynsmiledkindlyandwentonwithherice.

"Thatremindsme,"Freddywenton,"we'vegotanuthereto-night.Thegenuinething.NoneofyoursocietyBarcelonasorsuburbanFilberts.OneoftherealCobfamily;thedriving-from-the-sixth-tee,inset-on-the-right,andNew-Year's-message-to-the-countrytouch.Inshort,acelebrity."

"Who?"askedJocelyneagerly.Perhapsherewasaman.

"WorrallBrice,theexplorer.Don'tsayyouhaven'theardofhimorAuntAlicewillcry."

Heardofhim?Ofcourseshehadheardofhim.Whohadn't?

WorrallBrice'sadventuresindistantpartsoftheempirewouldhavefilledabook--had,infact,alreadyfilledthree.AglanceathisflatinSt.James'sStreetgaveyousomeideaoftheadventureshehadbeen

through.HerewerethepolishedspursofhiscompanioninthefamousridethroughAustraliafromsouthtonorth--allthathadbeenleftbythecannibalsoftheWogga-WoggaRiveraftertheirbanquet.Herewasthepoisonedarrowwhich,bythemercifulinterventionofProvidence,justmissedWorrallandpiercedtheheartofoneofhisblackattendants,thepost-mortemhappilyrevealingthepresenceofanewandinterestingpoison.Here,again,wastheropewithwhichhewashangedbymistakeasaspyinSouthAmerica--amistakewhichwouldcertainlyhavehadfatalresultsifhehadnothadthepresenceofmindtoholdhisbreathduringtheperformance.Inyetanothercorneryoumightseehisfavouritemascot--atoothofthesharkwhichbithimoffthecoastofChina.Spears,knives,andgunslinedthewalls;everyinchofthefloorwascoveredbyskins.Hisflatwastypicaloftheman--amanwhohaddone

things.

"Introducehimtome,"commandedJocelyn."Whereishe?"

Shelookedupsuddenlyandsawhimenteringtheball-room.HewasofcommandingheightandhisfacewasthefaceofamanwhohasbeenexposedtotheforcesofNature.Thewind,thewaves,thesun,themosquitohadsettheirmarkuponhim.Downonesideofhischeekwasanewlyhealedscar,ascratchfromahippopotamusinitslastdeath-struggle.Alegacyfromabisonsearedhisbrow.

Hewalkedwiththesofteasytreadofthepython,orthePathan,orsomeanimalwitha"pth"init.ProbablyImeanthepanther.Heborehimself

confidently,andhismouthwasatrapfromwhichnosuperfluouswordescaped.HewasthestrongsilentmanofJocelyn'sdreams.

"Mr.WorrallBrice,MissMontrevor,"saidFreddy,andleftthem.

WorrallBricebowedandstoodbesideherwithfoldedarms,hisgazefixedaboveherhead.

"Ishallnotexpectyoutodance,"saidJocelyn,withaconfidentialsmilewhichimpliedthatheandshewereabovesuchfrivolities.Asa



matteroffact,hecouldhavetaughthertheWogga-Woggaone-step,theBimbo,theKiyi,theJu-bu,theHead-hunter'sHug,andmanyothercannibalisticstepswhich,lateron,weretobecometherageofLondonandthebasisofarevue.

"Ihaveoftenimaginedyou,asyoukeptwatchoveryourcamp,"shewenton,"andIhaveseemedmyselftohearthesavagesandlionsroaringoutsidethecircleoffire,whattimeintheswampsthecrocodileswerebarking."

"Yes,"hesaid.

"Itmustbeawonderfullife."

"Yes."

"IfIwereamanIshouldwanttoleadsuchalife;togetawayfromallthis,"andshewavedherhandroundtheroom,"backtoNature.ToknowthatIcouldnoteatuntilIhadfirstkilledmydinner;thatIcouldnotliveunlessIslewtheenemy!Thatmustbefine!"

"Yes,"saidWorrall.

"IcannotgetFreddytoseeit.Heisquitecontenttohaveshotafew

grouse...andoncetohavewoundedabeater.Theremustbemoreinlifethanthat."

"Yes."

"IsupposeIamelemental.BeneaththeveneerofcivilizationIamasavage.Towakeupwiththewar-cryoftheenemyinmyears,tosleepwiththe--er--barkingofthecrocodileinmydreams,thatislife!"

WorrallBricetuggedathismoustacheandgazedintospaceoverherhead.Thenhespoke.

"Crocodilesdon'tbark,"hesaid.

Jocelynlookedathiminastonishment."Butinyourbook,ThroughTracklessPaths!"shecried."Iknowitalmostbyheart.Itwasyouwhotaughtme.Whatarethebeautifulwords?'Onthebanksofthesleepyrivertwogreatcrocodileswerebarking.'"

"Not'barking,'"saidWorrall."'Basking.'Itwasamisprint."

"Oh!"saidJocelyn.Shehadamoment'sawfulmemoryofalltheoccasionswhenshehadinsistedthatcrocodilesbarked.TherehadbeenaparticularlyfierceargumentwithMetaRichards,whohadrefusedtoweigheventheprintedwordofWorrallBriceagainstthesilenceoftheReptileHouseonherlastvisittotheZoo.

"Well,"smiledJocelyn,"youmustteachmeaboutthesethings.Willyoucomeandseeme?"

"Yes,"saidWorrall.Heratherlikedtostandandgazeintothedistancewhileprettywomentalkedtohim.AndJocelynwasverypretty.

"WeliveinSouthKensington.ComeonSunday,won'tyou?99PeeleCrescent."



"Yes,"saidWorrall.

.....

OnSundayJocelynwaitedeagerlyforhiminthedrawing-roomofPeeleCrescent.Herfatherwasasleepinthelibrary,hermotherwasdead;soshewouldhavethegreatmantoherselfforanafternoon.Latershewouldhavehimforalways,forshemeanttomarryhim.Andwhentheyweremarriedshewasnotsosurethattheywouldlivewiththenoiseofthecrocodilebarkingorcoughing,orwhateveritdid,intheirears.ShesawherselfinthatlittlehouseinGreenStreetwiththenoiseofmotor-hornsandtaxi-whistlestosoothehertosleep.

Yetwhatamanhewas!Whathadhesaidtoher?Shewentoverallhiswords....Theywerenotmany.

Atsixo'clockshewasstillwaitinginthedrawing-roomatPeeleCrescent....

Atsix-thirtyWorrallBricehadgotasfarasPeelePlace....

Atsix-forty-fivehefoundhimselfinRadcliffeSquareagain....

Atseveno'clock,justashewasgivinghimselfupforlost,hemeta

taxiandreturnedtoSt.James'sStreet.Hewasagreattraveller,butSouthKensingtonhadbeentoomuchforhim.

Nextweekhewentbackunmarriedtothejungle.Itwasthenarrowestescapehehadhad.

Once A Week by A.A. Milne

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