On My OwnBy Patrick Scott

Charles Limsky7

Another Day8

Family & Friends10

Exhausted12

Luxury of Tme16

Changes20

Leaving JCRS22

On My Own28

5 5

You know that kid that got picked on when he

was in school. The one who got laughed at and

abused every step he took. I wish I was that

kid. When people think back to their school

days they will remember that kid. When my

classmates try and think about me I will be at

best a muddled blur.

I came and went like a breeze and no one

noticed I was even there. This did not end in

my school days I carried this mentality through

almost the entirety of my life. I am a 43 year

old man and outside of my immediately family

I still have not had a close relationship with

another human being. That being said I am

not even close to my close family. My mother

is dead and I see my Father and two brothers

only a couple of times a week. I am still a

lonely and nameless face in a crowd. This is my

life and now that I am 43 years old I wonder

if this will ever change. My name is Charles

Limsky. two brothers only a couple of times a

week. I am still a lonely and nameless face

in a crowd. This is my life and now that I am

43 years old I wonder if this will ever change.

My name is Charles Limsky. two brothers only

a couple of times a week. I am still a lonely

and nameless face in a crowd. This is my life

and now that I am 43 years old I wonder if this

will ever change. My name is Charles Limsky.

two brothers only a couple of times a week. I

am still a lonely and nameless face in a crowd.

This is my life and now that I am 43 years old I

wonder if this will ever change.

I was just another face in the crowd, no friends and not even any enemies. I was nothing.

My name is Charles Limsky.

5

Charles Limsky

I wake, I do the basic routine and read a bit

before I go to work.

They go on grand adventures and take risks

and I never do that. I go about my standard

routine and rarely ever go astray from that it.

My routine starts in the morning with eggs and

toast for breakfast followed by me reading my

book until it is time for me to go to work. My

work place is a market near downtown. After

work I go home eat dinner and then read my

book some more. I usually wrap up in a blanket

because the place I live is a bit chilly. Around

nine o’clock I go to bed so I can be well rested

for the next day. It seems like a boring day but

I can’t handle too much excitement because

my health in recent years has no not been at

its best. Nothing too bad just little nagging

illnesses that I’ve had for awhile now. At least

it hasn’t gotten to the point were it is effecting

by job at the market.The market that I work at

is quite busy. I am the only person who takes

care of the fruit at the market. I make sure

bruised or rotten fruit get off displays and

dispose of them properly. It is a mundane job

but I take pride in what I do.

There was one time when this one man was

not paying attention to what he was do-

ing and he knocked over an entire table of

apples. I spent probably 30 minutes crawling

around looking for all the individual apples.

I was a pretty interesting day and it was a

Today is another day in my life.

I enjoy books because the characters in them are the opposite of me.

The most exciting parts of my day take part at the market.

Another Day

6

7

good change of pace from the typical. I had a

surprisingly amount of fun crawling all over the

place that day.

Even though I’ve been working there for some

time now. This doesn’t surprise me it is just the

way things go in my life. Several months ago I

wasn’t feeling well and I showed up two hours

late for my shift and no one noticed. I was both

relived and embarrassed.

Its a weird feeling walking around hoping so

badly to be scolded, just so I could feel like

somebody noticed me.ths ago I wasn’t feeling

well and I showed up two hours late for my

shift and no one noticed me.

I don’t talk to any of other people at the market.

I’m such a specter at that place that not a single person realisedI was so late.

7

8

The other big part of my life is my family.

Although I don’t see them very often because

of the vacant nature of my life they comprise a

majority of my interactions.

Our family was hit hard by her death although

her relationship with her family wasn’t the

normal kind of relationship. If I had to say were

my loner tendecies came from I would definite-

ly point a finger at my mother. She would stay

hope and do the standard wife duties and did

not have any life outside of her children. Thats

the way she wanted it to. She didn’t want to be

the center of attention, she didn’t want to near

anyone besides her family.

She was calm and loving. Her antisocial nature

didn’t hurt her abilty to be a mother. She was a

great mother. She made sure we were fed and

happy. She was always with us and in doing

so she pasted along all the bad characteristics.

She was the one who showed me to be quiet

and not the stand out.

He was much more outgoing and confident.

Don’t get me wrong my father was no captain

of the football team but relative to me he was

the captain of the football team. He did bring

home the bacon and he loved providing for his

family. But he was also a very non-affectionate

man. He loved his kids but he left the job of

raising us to my mother. It was weird how my

parents were so polar opposites but somehow

fell in love. She was certainly the most quiet

part of our family but once she was gone it be-

Friends & Family

My mother died some time ago.

Much of her life her eyes were directted to the ground.

My father was not like mymother and I.

9

came evident that she was by far the most vital

part. Once my father was the only adult around

I receded even farther into my lonely world.

My brothers didnt have as rough a time

because they are more like my father. They

enjoyed the freedom of having only one par-

ent. I suffered cause I needed the nurturing

that my mother gave me when she was alive.

My current relationship with my family is not

much different then how the relationship was

when I was a child. My brothers hardly bother

with me and my father puts in his time but it

always it feels like it does it just because he

feels obligated. He talks at me about my health

and some of my nagging illnesses but I hardly

ever give that any mind. My brothers do the

same but the their tone is much more hostile.

They have always been that way. They are big,

loud, and opinionated. What my father is to

my mother my brothers are to me. They have

families and wives and seem to think I am

incredibly dysfunctional because I do not have

the same. And maybe they’re not wrong.

My current relationship with my family is not

much different then how the relationship was

when I was a child. My brothers hardly bother

with me and my father puts in his time but it

always it feels like it does it just because he

feels obligated. He talks at me about my health

and some of my nagging illnesses but I hardly

ever give that any mind. My brothers do the

same but the their tone is much more hostile.

They have always been that way. They are big,

loud, and opinionated. What my father is to my

mother my brothers are to me.

My family was a well oiled machine,

until my mother died.

10

Today is not just another day in my life. I was

greatly harder getting up this morning.

It has been harder and harder lately but today

it seems nearly impossible. It took me so long

to get and of bed I didn’t have my regular

breakfast and had no time to read my book. I

was late for work but that didn’t matter cause

who would even notice after all. Normally my

walk to work only took around 15 minutes but

today it seemed to take forever and when I got

there it took my 20 more minutes than it usu-

ally does. I’m not feeling right. One of my other

nagging illnesses was a cough.

My father had told me it was much worse

when I saw him two days ago. He didn’t need

to tell me I knew it was getting more frequent.

In fact when I saw him I was doing my best to

not cough so he would not give me a lector.

As soon as I left the coughing began again,

it was awful. I know I joke about not listen-

ing to my family but I couldn’t help but think

I should have listen to their advice. Its weird

that even a humble guy like me can be the

victim of his own pride. My cough was now

happening so often and was so violent that my

usual status of invisible man could not even

maintain. Everyone was looking at me and I

knew it. It was a position I had never been

in before. It was kind of thrilling have all this

attention and people asking me if I was fine. It

went on like this all day long. I was so relieved

when I was finally able to leave because I was

exhausted. The walk home was a harsh trek

and it even took me longer than the walk in

morning. Something wasn’t right. I went home

I seemed to be drain of all my energy.

A cough that was steadilygetting worse.

Exhausted

11

and crashed in my bed. I was so happy to get

to that bed. I’m so tired I don’t know if I will

ever get out of this bed. I can’t get out of bed

today.

Its frightening to be this ill and even worse

that I have no one to help me because of

my life of self imposed exile. I need my get

to my father’s house. I will make it but I will

probably have to take breaks along the way

because I am so very weak. After getting my

clothes on, which was a surprisingly difficult

task, I starting making my way to my father’s

house. I know I needed the help but their was

something inside of me that didn’t want to go

to my father’s for help just because I when I

got there he would be proven right. But I was

in a bad state so it ultimately my well being is

more important. I didn’t know what to expect

when I got there. The proper reaction to me

would be concern. But my father was not that

kind of guy. I never say him cry I had never

even hugged my father. He was incapable of

ay sort compassion. His philosophy was always

to keep a stiff upper lip and not show any

emotion. This sickness had me fearing for my

life but It did have its positive points. I did get

a lot of attention and concern from strangers

and work which would never normally happen.

And now I have the possibility of seeing my

father show some actual emotion towards me.

I finally make it to my father’s front door and

I make my into his house. How is he going to

react? I stumble around looking for him but he

I’m weak.I can’t move and I can’t stop coughing.

I think I’m dying.

12

is no where to be found. I make my way into

his living room and pass out on his couch. He

wasn’t home and I didn’t get to see his reac-

tion to my condition.

I wake up several hours later in my father’s

bed. I’m covered with blankets and he had

obviously taken good care of me. I see my

father peek his head in and ask how I was

doing. Even though I wasn’t able to see him

taking care of me I knew he must have. Even

though I couldn’t stop coughing, I was freezing

cold, sweating, and didn’t have the strength to

myself out of bed;

He must have walked seen me and the state

I was in and felt the need to make me as

comfortable as I could be. I thought I had only

been asleep for a couple of hours but it turns

out I was asleep for nearly a whole day. I guess

the voyage to his house must have taken more

out of me then I had thought. I was scared

because I was coughing constantly and even

though I had been sleeping for a long period of

time I was still weak. My father had already set

an appointment at a local doctor’s office so we

could figure this out. I was scared I absolutly

needed to know what was wrong with me

but I was so scared to go to the doctor. There

was obviously something wrong but we didn’t

know what. What if it is something horrible

and I am doomed. I was happy to know that even though he rarely showed it my father did love me.

I guess I have to face it soon because I don’t have the luxury of of time.

14

Luxury of Time

I’ve been worried about going to the doctor

today. I’ve been at my father’s house for a

couple of days now and I haven’t gotten any

better but I also haven’t gotten any worse.

Once we get to the doctor’s office we sit and

wait for our turn with the doctor.

The other people waiting to be seen are right-

fully scared to be near me. I’m pale, skinny,

and coughing uncontrollably I don’t blame

them for being leery. I gain control as much as

I can over my coughing but it still is unnerving

to the other patients. As I stare at the other

patients I wonder why are they here? Are they

sick like me? Are they as worried for their lives

as I am for mine? I don’t think so. Their only

great concern is with me and not with what

ever ales them. Sure they are in the best of

health either but they certainly would not trade

places with me.

After a all too long wait I get called back.

The doctor brings me into their room and run

through the standard procedure, like check-

ing my ears and throat. This is so frustrating.

I am knocking on heaven’s door and this guy

is looking at my ears. As I’m telling him my

symptoms he seems to be almost uninterested

in what I have to say. He hears that I have

stopped talking and tells me that he is going

to take an x-ray of my chest to see if we can

see what is calling my horrible coughing. He

leaves and ten minutes later a nurse comes

I’m trying not to cough but

I can’t help it.

Sitting and waiting for the enviable bad news that waits for me in the doctor’s room is unbearable.

15

and prepares me for my x-rays. This nurse is

much more caring than the doctor. The doctor

is like my father and this nurse reminds me

of my mother. As she is leading to the room

I think about my life. How I hid from people

and missed out on some of the most important

things that life has to offer.

If I were to die who besides my father and

brother would be at my funeral. I can’t think

of a single soul. I’ve lived a life were I have

touched on other’s life. If this illness kills me

there would be no one to remember me it

would be like I never even existed. I was scared

but now I’m only depressed. As I lay down my

mind continues to search for a person that is in

any way different because I had existed. I can’t

think of any. Maybe I helped out someone

at the market pick out fruit and they would

remember me for that. No, they wouldn’t I

have touched any one. The x-ray begins and I

give up. I give up trying to think of someone

and I give up on myself all together. I’m an old

man and I have failed at every major goal a

man my age should have. After the x-ray I sit

and wait for the results. I’m resined to the fact

that I have something bad with me. The doctor

walks into the room very somberly. I know

what he is going to say. I’m not even listening.

He keeps going on and on but I don’t hear him.

I already know I’m sick and dying I don’t need

to know exactly why.

We left the doctor’s and my father told me it

was tuberculosis. I didn’t care. I am trying to

wrap me head around the fact that I have for

the most part wasted my life. I can see that my

If this x-ray showed I was doomed, what would I do?

16

father actually affected my this situation. Its

so weird seeing him this way. He isn’t crying

or anything but he is obviously taking this

the hard. I gotten say it is great to see him

this way. Once I get home I’m going to get lay

down and prepare to be there for awhile. My

father had been sleeping on the couch since

I had gotten there and it looks like he will be

sleeping there for the foreseeable future. Walk-

ing into the house which again was quite the

chore because of my condition.

I don’t know if anything will happen next, I

am really wondering if this is the last thing

to happen to me.For the next weeks I was in

my father’s bed and he was on the couch. I

didn’t know that the whole time my father and

brother were sending me out applications to

places that specialize in taking care of people

like me. My condition was so much worse now.

I was was completely bedridden at this point

and the tuberculosis clinics were my only hope.

My father had been sending letters to the head

of a tuberculosis clinic in Spivak Colorado.

He was hoping I could forgo the standard

applicant process and be rushed into the clinic

as an emergency case. He was sending letters

telling them about my state and he was getting

replies. I was getting worse and if my father’s

letter writing campaign didn’t work I will not

have much hope of living through this.

I don’t know what is going to happen next.

It was clear that I was no longer just sick, I was dying.

18

Today is just another day in the new routine of

my life. I don’t read my books anymore, and I

don’t go to work either. really the only thing I

do is lay in bed and cough. That is all I can do

since the tuberculosis is really having it way

with me. When my father is busy my brothers

take care of me. My situation has melted my

father’s hard exterior a bit but my brothers are

still as cold as ever. They take care of me but

it seems that I am just a burden to them. They

are taking care of me out of obligation rather

out of love.

and I don’t think I can survive for more than

a couple more weeks. When my father finally

gets back he has good news for me. He had to

wake up me up but once he did he told me that

the JCRS was rushing me in the and was going

to help me get better. JCRS was the tuberculo-

sis clinic he had been writing to for sometime

now and he finally convinced them I was sick

enough that I needed to rushed into care there.

So with the help of my brother, my father got

me ready to head there. It laid down in the car

and was looking in the sky as we drove to Spi-

vak Colorado. Thankfully I could now lay down

and enjoy the clouds stream by over head. I

knew in my heart of hearts that going to JCRS

doesn’t mean I out of the woods yet but I don

feel like I have been given another opportunity

to survive this disease.

arriving here was interesting, this place is in

the middle of on where. We where driving up a

long road an then all of a sudden there was a

large gateway. There is usually a very specific

list of procedures that each incoming patient

This can’t go on for much longer Today is my first day at JCRS.

Changes

19

goes through but I was in such bad shape that

they didn’t bother with that at all.

The staff told my family that I was one of the

worse cases they had seen in a long time.

This place has saved my life and I’m happy to

be here I’m just wondering if this place will

become just another place where I become

another nameless face in the crowd. I bet this

place is really melancholy and depressing so

I wouldn’t imagine there would be al lot of

social interaction going on. I have been in bed

for the vast majority of the time. I am doing so

much better since I got here. I’ve gone from

being horrible sick to just being sick. I can’t

imagine going back to work or anything but

relative to how I was feeling before I am doing

far better. The nurse who had been taking care

of me is nice and tries to start conversations

with me from time to time but my old tenden-

cies start rearing it head and I find myself with

little to say. It is so discouraging that even

after seeing how I wasted my life before my

health scare that I continue to do the same

things over and over again. I guess I’m going

to be just as anonymous here as I was every

where else in my life. But again the attention

my health affords me is great. They bring every

meal to my bed and make sure I’m totally com-

fortable at all times. Yet another silver lining is

the illness that very well might have killed me,

and the probably has a good chance at doing

so still. I’m going to try hard to remember the

feeling I had when I was sure I was going to

die from this illness and maybe put myself out

there more often. This new embolden attitude

might me another up side. Seeing what I have

been before this will hopefully change me for

the better.

I’ve only been here for a day but I feel so much better already.

20

Leaving JCRS

I have now been here at the clinic for several

weeks and I am no longer bedridden. I’m

certainly no spring chicken but I have again

improve another drastic step. My coughing is

still bad but I is far less frequent then before.

I’m sticking to my routine of being a loner

but I need to make an attempt to come out

of my shell. I will start with connecting with

my people who are paid to be nice to me, I

will make friends with the nurses. You need

to crawl before you can walk as the saying

goes. The nurse walks in to bring me my lunch

and I decide that I need to try and talk to her

a bit. She brings the tray over and is setting

everything up and I’m in my head freaking out.

I don’t know what to say and this is my only

chance. I guess I will just blurt out something.

A “how are you?” should work. She smiles and

responds and I respond back. It is working. Oh

no now she is just standing there what should I

say now. I have nothing left to say. This is kind

of awkward I should have never have done

this. She is turing and leaving now so at least

this horrible interaction is over. I kind of regret

that now. Holy cow I am so socially inept that

I can even carry on a simple conversation with

out it being weird. At least I get an A for effort

on this one. Before this I would have never

even tried something like that so at least I am

making steps forward.

It was kind of strange I was the only patient

in my room for the longest period of time. No

one came or went and i they did come they

were in worse shape then I am. They were

in the kind of shape I was in when I got to

the clinic. I think that the room i am in is for

patients with severe conditions. If I’m going

to meet any people besides nurses I need to

get out of this part of the clinic and into a part

21

with people who are capable of interacting.

The nurse will be here any time now to check

in on me and I will ask her about being moved

to another section of the clinic. There she is

right now. I hope this conversation goes a little

more smoothly then the last one. This time

she seems surprised that I talked to her. After I

ask her she say that she will look into getting

me into a more general patient area. I’m kind

of second guessing my decision to get more

time with other people even now right after I

have asked the nurse. But putting my self into

uncomfortable scenarios is what I need to do

right now. I am feeling greatly improved as

far as my health goes. My body seems to be

stabilizing although my lungs still seem to be

having trouble. My coughing is less often but

sometimes it seems when I do cough it is more

violent. That is not my worry right now. It is the

nurses job to worry. The only thing on my mind

needs to making up for years of hiding out and

talking to people. If the nurses convinces who

ever is in charge that I need to be moved that

would be perfect. I am ready.

Today is a great day for me. They have decided

that moving in with the healthier patients

would be ok and now I don’t have to be so

lonely in the section of the clinic were all the

emergency cases are. They put me next to this

guy who is very talkative. He makes all the

nurses laugh and all the other patients in the

room know his name. It is crazy. I have been

surround by people who are near death and

had no idea that there were patients like this

here. I thought everyone was as sick and quiet

as I am. It turns out I was just in the wrong

part of the hospital. It really shocks me when

this guy who is so full of life and has everyone

eating out of the palm of his hand address me.

22

He calls me guy since he does not know my

name. I am so intimidated. I can’t hold a con-

versation with this guy his social skills are way

out of my league. For some reason they guy

has taken a specific interest in me and would

let me hide like I want to, he just keeps asking

me questions. One after another he keeps the

questions coming. Before I know it we are hav-

ing a full on conversation from our respective

beds. The only thing that stops our talking is

both of our coughing. This is crazy this guy’s

cool must be rubbing off on me. I ask him what

is name is and he says “ Steve Baum”.

I have been in the same room as Steve for

some time and now and he is having a great

effect on me. Talking to him makes me more

confident and has changed they way I interact

with everyone. I have talked to a handful of

other patients besides him. I quite a bit easier

than I had imagined since we all have tubercu-

losis in common. I’m also talking to the nurse

too now I’m talking to everyone. Steve Baum

has shaken me out of my shell and now I’m

doing what I should have been doing my entire

life. I can’t escape it, tuberculosis might be the

best thing that has ever happen to me. I’m tak-

ing risks and doing things I would usually.

I’m feeling well enough now the nurses and

doctors are doing a great job. I’m flourishing in

this place. I am no longer another faceless man

in a crowd. I am making friends here.

Now when the nurse brings my lunch in

we have a good conversation. I know other

patients and they know me. It’s great. Thank

goodness I was put next to Steve Baum and

he helped me out. I haven’t gotten any letter

This place has been great for me.

23

or message of any sort from my father though.

I was so busy being here in JCRS and I have

forgotten all about my like back home. I rarely

think think of my father and a never think of

my brothers and my job. I have mentally aban-

doned that part of my life.

At JCRS I’m a person and at home I’m a bur-

den. At JCRS I have friends and at home I’m a

loner. At JCRS I take risks and at home I hardly

ever break from my mundane routine. I feel

slightly guilty but then again I don’t. The staff

and patients at JCRS embrace me.

Today is another day at JCRS. I say hi to every-

Can you blame me it is so much better here.

They have become more of a family then my actual family has ever been.

one and the day is going great. Though some

how it seemed a little different today.uI was

distraught. I had made so many strides during

my time at JCRS and now I was going to be

thrown back into a world were I was nothing

special. In fact I was nothing out in the world

outside of JCRS. I was lead back to my room

and I didn’t talk to any one. I had little time left

at JCRS. They have given me a specific date

when they are going to release me.

There is no way I am going back to my old life.

My old life was pointless and I didn’t want to

go back to that. I didn’t want to go back to old

life of loneliness and being a burden. When I

sent a letter to my father I and told him I didn’t

have tuberculosis I could sense the indiffer-

ence. He was just happy to know not an more

I have no idea what i am going to after they let me go.

24

of his money would be going to clinic. I don’t

want to be there. I don’t belong there, I can’t

go back to that. My job is no better and even

though I don’t have tuberculosis I still am sick

and working is out of the picture.

Today is my my last day at the clinic. I’m saying

goodbye to everyone and it isn’t easy. I really

loved this place. This place help be a better

person I don’t know anyone outside of these

walls. The last person I talk to is Steve. He

holds a special place in my heart because he is

the one who helped me out. He is the one who

helped me see the light. After that I and my

few belongings are out on Coflax Street right

next to the giant gateway that had greeted my

upon my arrival at JCRS. I was alone. I had a

choice to make should I go back to the horrible

life I had at home and go back to being lonely.

I have no where to go.

I don’t enough think my family wants me

back home I sent a letter asking for money to

get back home and I got nothing. I think they

might have decided to forgot about me. I can’t

blame them at all, I want to forget the person

they knew as well. I don’t want to do that.

I can’t be myself any where else now. That was

the only place I could be myself and I can never

go back into that place. I will try and start a

new life up here in Denver. Hopefully some of

that magic from the clinic is still on me. But I

doubt it, I need this place.

I want to be in the clinic with all my new friends were I can be myself.

26

On My Own

I have been looking for a job for a cou-

ple of days now and no luck. My health

is not well enough to perform most

jobs. I have had to resort to collecting

trash and well sell ing it the this guy

on Colfax. I brought him a ton of trash

and all he gave me was fifteen dollars.

There was so much trash there I should

have gotten like $40. That damn guy

owes me money. That was the only way I

could find to make money out here.

I don’t want to go back to my family and

my old l ife. And it seems all too clear

that they don’t want me back either.

They are not replying to any of my let-

ters and they have never talked to me in

any way since I have gotten to the clinic.

I didn’t notice while I was in the clinic

because I was so very content in there

that I never even thought of home. And

it seems that home never even thought

about me. I want to make Denver work

but with my health I don’t see anything

happening too soon.

I have felt lonely my entire l ife but I

have never felt lonelier than I do right

now. Before I came to the clinic I was

so scared that I had wasted my life and

now that I can never go back to the

clinic it seems I have no more hope.

I can’t talk people out in the real world,

I have no friends,

I’m stuck in this town with no money and no one.

I might never be happy.

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it just doesn’t work. My final chance

at being happy was at that place and

now it seems I have no chance at

every being happy.

I don’t know if I want to l ive any more.

Living another ten years l ike the way I

have lived the first 43 would be pointless.

I don’t know what I am going to do.

I need to figure out what I’m going to do with my life.

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31

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Charles Limsky

“He who saves one life is con-sidered as if he had preseverd the whole world.” Therefore, I want

to create a world by commiting suicide.

I want to thank Dr. Spivak and all others

who were so kind to me while I was at the

Jewish Relief Society. There is a junk deal-

er in West Colfax who owes me $35. This

is to be added to my estate. I have a trunk

and two grips and as I die in an inhuman way I want to be diposed

in an inhuman way by having my body

and the trunk and the two grips burned. I

have an insurance policy for $1,000 which

I want to pay my funeral expenses and all

other indebtedness. I want the balance to

go to Dr. Spivak and his friends.

Wishing all good health, good luck and best wishes, I remain, affectionatly.”