OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
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Transcript of OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
1/17
1 Jasfoz Chaos 1 OPHare Chaos 1 Orabbi Chaos
2 Timdog Chaos 2 Slam C Pact 2 Kal Durak Chaos
3 Wildfire Nurgle 3 Thul Chaos 3 Lazarus Chaos
4 Gym-Bo Chaos 4 Blitz Chaos 4 Michaels Nurgle
5 Jako Orc 5 Astro Orc 5 ScottishDunc Chaos
6 Terry Orc 6 GK C Pact 6 Gym-Bo Lizard
7 Sunhawk Amazon 7 Cullen C Pact 7 Cullen Lizard
8 Damek Nurgle 8 Wraith Orc 8 Ken C Pact
9 Jackal Human 9 Wildfire Lizard 9 Jako Orc
10 Cullen C Dwarf 10 Darken Lizard 10 Darken Orc
11 Elessar High Elf 11 Hammer Orc 11 Sabonnel Nurgle
12 Belasco Dark Elf 12 Mardaed High Elf 12 Toast Orc
13 Thul C Dwarf 13 Sabonnel Nurgle 13 Papadragon Nurgle
14 Slam Orc 14 Lazarus Nurgle 14 BSU Lizard
15 Malchodon Dark Elf 15 Terry Nurgle 15 Thul Circus
16 Kal Durak Necro 16 Squall Skaven 16 Larkstar Circus
17 Nimrokon C Dwarf 17 Trickice Lizard 17 Squall Necro
18 Papadragon Nurgle 18 BSU C Dwarf 18 Wildfire Dark Elf
19 BSU Dwarf 19 Norse Khemri 19 Terry Norse
20 Lazarus High Elf 20 Damek Amazon 20 Trickice C Dwarf
21 Khazar Amazon 21 Timdog C Dwarf 21 Astro Necro
22 Killabruh Necro 22 Jako Circus 22 CharlieBanks C Pact
23 Blitz Necro 23 Toast Skaven 23 Slam C Pact
24 Grunkzzz Lizard 24 Pdarby Necro 24 Ging Circus
25 GK Khemri 25 Belasco Wood Elf 25 Zulu High Elf
26 Astro Lizard 26 Bob Dwarf 26 Bob Necro
27 Sleazy Pro Elf 27 Jasfoz Necro 27 Belasco Undead
28 Bob Skaven 28 Orabbi C Dwarf 28 Lawquoter Skaven
29 Tri cki ce Undead 29 Ni mrokon Wood El f 29 Damek Dark El f
30 Darken Lizard 30 Rauni Dark Elf 30 20Phoenix Nurgle
31 Voltron High Elf 31 Voltron Amazon 31 Hammer C Pact
32 Derfuchs Dark El f 32 Papadragon Dwarf 32 Dreamy Wood El f
33 Sunhawk Dark Elf 33 Itchen Orc
34 Viajero Pro Elf 34 Rauni Dark Elf
35 Gym-Bo Hal fl ing 35 OPHare C Dwarf
36 Elessar Unde rworld 36 Pdarby C Dwarf
37 Mi chael s Undead 37 Danton Skaven
38 Ki ll abruh Skaven 38 Mardae d High El f
39 Jackal Human 39 Norse Norse40 Bloodedcat Undead 40 Sunhawk Undead
1 Ne tsmurf Skaven 41 Tscrabble Ci rcus
2 Bantha C Dwarf 42 GK Undead
3 Crimsonsun Nurgle 43 Dode Lizard
4 Zulu Khemri 44 Thsin Pro Elf
5 Fastshark High Elf 45 Gusya Khorne
6 Everblue C Pact 46 Timdog Norse
7 Gi ngerel la Gobl in 47 Jouni si i Pro El f
8 Gusya C Pact 48 Remthar Vampire
9 Barmution Nurgle 49 Jasfoz Ogre
10 Dreamy Wood Elf 50 Jackal Human
11 Scotti shDunc Chaos 51 Matts Dark El f
12 Charl ieBanks Ci rcus 52 Bl itz Human
13 Matts Dark Elf 53 Voltron Dwarf
14 Dode Pro Elf 54 Barmution C Dwarf
15 20Phoeni x Amazon 55 RTSD Hal fl ing
16 RTSD Lizard 56 Dahamuran Khemri
ERA 5ERA 3 ERA 4
HELL VIPER:Now that the dust has settled, its time to take a
look back at the Era 5 Race Draft.
TOAD McSLAY:With all 56 coaches involved this time, and with
the additional Scout resources, it was crazy and exciting.VIPER:Like that emo chick I dated in college! Except The Draft
didnt end with my car being lit on fire and my penis super glued
to my leg.
McSLAY:At least it wasnt the other way around. Lets run down
the highlights.
VIPER:Well, we opened up with one of the biggest shockers of
the draft, when Orabbi sold off everything to move up to #1.
McSLAY:That was followed by the least shocking move of the
draft when he used that pick on Chaos.
VIPER:Never would have happened if he didnt have an LFC
coach to trade with.
McSLAY:Agreed. Its easy to make that trade when you donthave to face the consequences.
VIPER:My super-secret sources are telling me that league
officials are considering a schedule change for season 15. Orabbi
would play all sixteen teams in the LFC as a big fat thank you for
giving him the top pick.
McSLAY:There was some jockeying for position, but no real
surprises in the top ten.
VIPER:No. Era 3, we saw Amazons and Humans taken in the top
ten. And then in Era 4 we had the whole Chaos Pact mess.
McSLAY:Chaos Pact and Chaos Dwarf were the big sliders this
time.
VIPER:I nearly lost my shit last Era when Pact was closed out at#7.
McSLAY:The first Pact team wasnt picked until #8. Then they sat
there until 22-23 when Charlie and Slam took them. And
Hammer locked them out all the way down at 31.
VIPER:Thats closer to where they belong. Its nice to see people
placing proper value on teams. Nice job.
McSLAY:Chaos Dwarfs were still available to the AFC/WFC at 36,
and Barmution grabbed the final spot at 54!
VIPER:They seem to slip a little bit further each draft. I cant
explain it.
McSLAY:How about some of the surprises?
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
2/17
VIPER:I dont think anyone would have
predicted three Norse, three Undead, and
four Circus franchises.
McSLAY:What about Pro Elves being
closed out in the LFC?
VIPER:Thetll get whats coming to them.
But, yeah, theres a nice mix of races.
Especially in the LFC. Its nice to see
Khorne, Ogres, Halflings, and Vampires all
represented.
McSLAY:Im super excited for the return
of the blood suckers!
VIPER:Its a bit disappointing that there
are no Amazon teams. And the only Wood
Elf team resides in the LFC. The AFC/WFC
ignored them, just like in Era 3.
McSLAY:There were a ton of trades. Only
17 coaches stayed in their original draft
position.
VIPER:Only five LFC coaches moved up
from their original positions.
McSLAY:They do tend to gravitate towardthe agile, and less popular teams.
VIPER:Nearly half of the LFC teams are
Tier 4+ on the new and improved Bash
Index. Their top three selections were
Chaos, Chaos Pact, and more Chaos Pact.
McSLAY:The LFC coaches caught on fast.
They knew where they needed to be. I
think they all ended up getting what they
wanted. Who do you think made the best
move?
VIPER:You know, anytime youre able to
get the race you really want, it can beconsidered a good trade. Larkstar made
the biggest move, jumping 36 spots to get
Circus. Do I think thats crazy? Absolutely.
Bat shit crazy. But, he got what he wanted
out of the deal.
McSLAY:So Circus has taken Pacts place
as the target of your disdain this time?
VIPER:Not quite to the same level. For
some reason Circus was hot in this Draft,
despite their poor record in the league.
But at least they didnt go in the top 10. I
just think were going to see some buyersremorse with this race.
McSLAY:Back to tradesI loved the BSU
trade, leaping 18 spots to grab the last
AFC/WFC Lizard team.
VIPER:And screwing Wildfire, who traded
out of the 11 spot, and ended up missing
out on his top choices.
McSLAY:Yes! Screwing other coaches is
what the draft is all about!
VIPER:Speaking of screwing other
coaches, CharlieBanks made an excellent
trade to steal the LFCs final Pact team.
Second biggest move of the draft, going
up 28 spots. Good value pick at 22.
McSLAY:And since that left only two Pact
spots for the AFC/WFC, it forced Slam to
make a move to bring back The Cereal
Killers.
VIPER:Itsinteresting when one move
triggers another. Squall moved 25 spots to
get Necro, which forced Astro into panic-
mode, making a similar move to insure he
got a Necro team.
McSLAY:Not all good trades involve
moving up. Mardaed was able to drop
down, collect assets, and still get the race
he wanted.
VIPER:Yeah, anyone can trade down 20+
spots if they want Pro Elves or Humans,
but that took balls. I wasnt sure High
Elves would be available at 38. Turns outhe got the only High Elf team in the
AFC/WFC.
McSLAY:And What about Timdog? Im
sure there were some tense moments
after the second Norse team was selected
7 spots in front of him, but it all worked
out. Thats playing the Draft to perfection.
VIPER:There are 24 returning franchises.
One of us had 2 of those teams in his top
5 when we did our Draft Preview. Was
that you or me?
McSLAY:You got lucky.
VIPER: Luck? Luck had nothing to do with
it, son. Face it, Im smarter than you. You
will always be the John Oates to my Daryl
Hall.
McSLAY:What is that supposed to mean?
VIPER:It means you suck!
McSLAY:How can that possibly mean I
suck? John Oates has the second best
mustache of all-time, behind only Tom
Selleck.
VIPER:I hate to break it to you, but Tom
Selleck sucks too.
McSLAY:There are seven teams being
pulled out of retirement: Snap, Crackle,
and Pop!, Da Pumpkin Patch, Contagious,
Molten Agony, Fjord Mustangs, Frozen
Tallywackers, and UFC Football. Which
one are you most excited about, Hell?
VIPER:Two teams, actually. UFC Football,
and Snap, Crackle, and Pop! Its great to
see teams from Era 1 making a comeback.
McSLAY:Well, I guess mine could
technically be considered an Era 1 team
too. Im looking forward to seeing Da
Pumpkin Patch back on the pitch. Trik
needs 18 Casualties to take over the
career lead. Thats exactly what he
averages per season. Im rooting for him!
VIPER:I dont see him living long enough
to get there. Hell be dead by week 7.McSLAY:You want to make a bet on that?
VIPER:Sure. Hundred bucks?
McSLAY:Hundred bucks? I can make that
much money in five seconds. Lets make it
interesting. If I win, you have to shave off
your stupid fucking hair.
VIPER:Fine. And if I win, I get to swaffle
you.
McSLAY:Whatever.
VIPER:In front of your grandma.
McSLAY:Great.
VIPER:At Thanksgiving dinner.McSLAY:Perfect.
VIPER:And post the video on Youtube.
McSLAY:Well, its gonna be a great big
video of nothing, because Im not losing
this bet.
VIPER:Yes you are.
McSLAY:Im taking your hair, Viper. Im
taking your stupid hair, and Im going to
use it to make a toupee for that weird
bald spot on my dogs ass.
VIPER:Your dog has a pet donkey?
McSLAY:Idiot.VIPER:Well, thats all we have time for.
Well be back to analyze the next draft.
Until then, dont forget to follow my hair
on Twitter.
McSLAY:Yeah, follow his hair while he stil
has it.
VIPER:You can keep track of McSlay by
going down to WAAAGHMart where you
can watch him bag groceries and mop the
restroom.
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
3/17
The Old World Football League. Its a fact, its the greatest Blood Bowl league modeled after the NFL using Cyanides version of the game, in the
history of the world.
The OFL is about to enter its 13th
season. 120+ coaches have played in the league for varying amounts of time. Many have been around for several
seasons. Others have failed to make it through a single season. One coach dropped out in week 1 of the first season without ever playing a game.
Another quit during the Era 4 race draft.
Only seven coaches have been playing uninterrupted since day one. Thats 12 straight seasons - 193 regular season matches (season 1 was 17
games) of double skulls, critical fails, and dead/dead apothecaries. We have come up with an incredibly clever name for these gluttons for Nuffles
punishment.
From this point forward they shall be known as
Pure fucking genius.
Here they are in no particular order, along with their regular season records
a royal pain in the ass. Slam
Bob has been one of the most consistent coaches in the league,
making the playoffs in 10 out of 12 seasons, including a streak of
9 straight seasons (Season 2 - 10).
After an awful first season, he led the Green Hellz to 2 division
titles.
His Lizardmen made the playoffs in all three seasons - a division
title and 2 wildcards. They made a nice playoff run in Season 4,
losing to the eventual champs, Asuryan Globetrotters.
The Freaks From Space were his most successful team. They are
the #1 ranked Skaven team of all-time. They lost in the Season 7
AFC Championship game, and won the Season 8 championship
in a thrilling game with The Terrors of Tarantino.
For Era 4, he brought a mediocre Dwarf team from Season 1, The Stout Lagerhead Allstars, out of retirement, and took them to the title game. He
has taken these bearded, beer guzzlers from obscurity to the top of the Dwarf ranks.
Hell be bringing a Necromantic team, Hollywood Undead into Era 5.
W T L
Green Hellz 4 4 9 0.353
Green Hellz 9 1 6 0.594
Green Hellz 9 3 4 0.656
ERA 1 22 8 19 0.531
Godzillas 8 5 3 0.656
Godzillas 8 5 3 0.656
Godzillas 6 5 5 0.531
ERA 2 22 15 11 0.615
Freaks From Space 9 2 5 0.625
Freaks From Space 8 4 4 0.625
Freaks From Space 8 4 4 0.625
ERA 3 25 10 13 0.625
Stout Lagerhead Allstars 8 3 5 0.594
Stout Lagerhead Allstars 4 7 5 0.469
Stout Lagerhead Allstars 9 3 4 0.656ERA 4 21 13 14 0.573
Total 90 46 57 0.585
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
4/17
I remember way back in season 2 when I was considered one
of the good coaches. Jako
Jako was indeed dominant in Season 2, after dumping Chaos,
and switching to what would become his favorite team, DaPumpkin Patch. Season 3 not so much.
He moved on to Khemri for Era 2. He came up just short of the
playoffs twice with Shuguo Jiangshionce missing out on tie-
breakers.
Da Pumpkin Patch returned in Era 3, along with the legendary
Blitzer, Trik. Trik is one of the most feared players in OFL
history. He ranks 6th
in career violence, and has amassed more
star player points (303) than any other player.
His 5 season record with Da Pumpkin Patch is 32-14-34.
Jako would like to forget Era 4 ever happened. He experimented with a couple of new racesCircus (Slann) and Khorne.
We look forward to better things as he returns to his comfort zone bringing back Trik and Da Pumpkin Patch for Era 5.
Wildfires career as a male dancer is very taxing, and keeps him
away from the internet all day. - Orabbi
Wildfire has only played two races in the OFLLizardmen and
Nurgle.
The Hurricanes made a trip to the WFC Championship game in
Season 3.
Stench of De Feet played stifling defense. They finished off Era 2
with a championship in Season 6. Wildfire brought them back
for another run in Era 4, but they never quite managed to
recapture their former glory.
Wildfire put up a .621 Win % with Nurgle, including 3 playoff
appearances. They also won The Iron Curtain award twice
(Seasons 5 & 8).
He returned to Lizards in Era 4, but after a strong start, the Lizards faded in the final 2 seasons of the Era. Overall, The Hurricanes were pretty damn
good though, managing a .552 Win %, and 2 division titles.
Wild is finally going to try something new in the upcoming Era. He has released The Hurricanes, and will be coaching a brand new Dark Elf team
with the Nuffle-taunting initials GFI.
W T L
Hexoatl Hurricanes 8 2 7 0.529
Hexoatl Hurricanes 5 2 9 0.375
Hexoatl Hurricanes 8 3 5 0.594
ERA 1 21 7 21 0.500
Stench of De Feet 6 4 6 0.500
Stench of De Feet 12 2 2 0.813
Stench of De Feet 11 3 1 0.833
ERA 2 29 9 9 0.713
Stench of De Feet 6 4 6 0.500
Stench of De Feet 8 2 6 0.563
Stench of De Feet 7 3 6 0.531
ERA 3 21 9 18 0.531
Hexoatl Hurricanes 11 3 2 0.781
Hexoatl Hurricanes 7 3 6 0.531
Hexoatl Hurricanes 6 3 7 0.469
ERA 4 24 9 15 0.594
Total 95 34 63 0.583
W T L
Armageddons Outriders 4 3 10 0.324
Da Pumpkin Patch 9 3 4 0.656
Da Pumpkin Patch 4 3 9 0.344
ERA 1 17 9 23 0.439
Shuguo Jiangshi 6 6 4 0.563
Shuguo Jiangshi 6 3 7 0.469
Shuguo Jiangshi 4 3 9 0.344
ERA 2 16 12 20 0.458
Da Pumpkin Patch 6 3 7 0.469
Da Pumpkin Patch 7 3 6 0.531
Da Pumpkin Patch 6 2 8 0.438
ERA 3 19 8 21 0.479
Snotbloods Tastytreats 2 5 9 0.281
The Skulltakers 2 4 10 0.250
The Skulltakers 3 3 10 0.281
ERA 4 7 12 29 0.271
Total 59 41 93 0.412
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
5/17
Lazarus will do what he normally does put my head up my ass
and make me run around like that for 16 turns. - Slam
With a .698 Win %, Laz is undeniably the best of The Original 7.
Perhaps the most impressive thing about his record, is that hes
not a one trick pony. He has played a variety of teamsHuman,
Chaos, Necro, High Elf, and Nurgle. 3 of his teams are #1 ranked
in their race.
He has made the playoffs in each of the past 10 seasons, and
11/12 overall!
Miasmic Misery is the #3 franchise of all-time. They made it to
back-to-back championship matches in Seasons 11 and 12, losing
the first to The Phoenix Kings, but winning the second against
Naggaroth Revolutionaries.
He gave the league its first super star in Lola, and more recently has unleashed Dengue Dan upon the league. Dan is #2 in career rushing yards, and
touchdowns. He has also broken the long standing record for single season rushing yards.
For this Era he returns to Chaos, with Slams Snap. Crackle. And Pop!
Fuck that guy. Anyone whos ever come in contact with this
dipshit
Astros best season was Season 1. You know, the season where
half the league was just learning to play Blood Bowl. He has also
performed well in nursing home arm wrestling contests (two 3rd
place finishes) and taking candy from babies competitions (9th
place ribbon).
Era 2 was an unmitigated disaster.
Era 3 was a fluke.
And then theres Era 4 where he was too lazy to create his own
team so he took over someone elses team, ruined their legacy,
and destroyed their star player. Way to go.
His .613 Win % with Lizardmen is proof that they are easy-mode.
He was the first one to get a player (Smiley) to level 7. Whoop-de-friggin-do.
Next up, he shows everyone how NOT to play Necro.
W T L
Run Lola Run 9 6 2 0.70
Unlawful Avengers 6 5 5 0.53
Unlawful Avengers 7 5 4 0.59
ERA 1 22 16 11 0.61
Mars Minion 6 6 4 0.56
Mars Minion 10 2 4 0.68
Mars Minion 10 3 3 0.71
ERA 2 26 11 11 0.65
Defenders of The Sidhe 8 6 2 0.68
Defenders of The Sidhe 10 3 3 0.71
Defenders of The Sidhe 12 3 1 0.84
ERA 3 30 12 6 0.75
Miasmic Misery 11 4 1 0.81
Miasmic Misery 7 5 4 0.59
Miasmic Misery 11 4 1 0.81
ERA 4 29 13 6 0.74
Total 107 52 34 0.68
W T L
Primeval Thunder 11 4 2 0.765
Primeval Thunder 8 2 6 0.563
Primeval Thunder 2 9 5 0.406
ERA 1 21 15 13 0.582
Red Heck Rejects 7 2 7 0.500
Red Heck Rejects 9 3 4 0.656
Red Heck Rejects 5 3 8 0.406
ERA 2 21 8 19 0.521
Primeval Thunder 8 6 2 0.688
Primeval Thunder 6 6 4 0.563
Primeval Thunder 8 6 2 0.688
ERA 3 22 18 8 0.646
Servants of Saruman 6 5 5 0.531
Servants of Saruman 8 4 4 0.625
Servants of Saruman 8 2 6 0.563
ERA 4 22 11 15 0.573
Total 86 52 55 0.580
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
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Im less of a threat than Slam. - Timdog
hes a bloodthirsty git! Timdog
I still feel Slam needs a beating. - Timdog
All of Slams teams rank in the top 3 all-time of their respective
races .
Snap Crackle and Pop! Is the best Chaos team not coached by
Damek. They managed two division championships in Era 1.
Double Entendre made a trip to the championship game in
Season 6. They rank #1 all-time among Amazon teams, and #10
overall.
The Servants won the difficult AFC South twice, but never won a
playoff game in Era 3.
The Cereal Killers started slow, but made a nice playoff run in Season 12, knocking out heavy favorites, The Brackish Brawlers, and Zerg Rush. They
are currently the #1 Chaos Pact team of all-time, and will be returning for another Era.
Champ: MauhurOne of the most violent players the league has ever seen. Chump: Khhaaaaaaaaaaaaannn!!!!
All Hail Thul! Jackal
The OFL was already a great league, but when Thul took over
from Mad Hatter, he multiplied it by awesome!
Thul set the standard for violence in Era 1 with the first Big Guy
super star, Mulcana.
He stepped up his game a notch in Era 2 with a move to Nurgle,
and a pair of playoff appearances.
It was Chaos Dwarfs for Era 3 - Do you think Thul likes Claws,and killing people, and stuff? The big hats put up 7.5 in each
season, never breaking into the postseason.
Thul returned to his favorite team for Era 4, and despite losing Mulcana, had his most successful Era yet. The Knightsrecord improved each
season, and they made it to the playoffs in each of the last two seasons. His six season record with The Knights is 41-20-36 for a .526 Win %.
He has made the curios decision to leave the bash behind for Era 5. He will be coaching Circus/Slann. Maybe, just maybe, Thul will be the one to
finally get Circus to live up to their potential. It should be interesting.
W T L
Snap Crackle and Pop 11 1 5 0.676
Snap Crackle and Pop 12 2 2 0.813
Snap Crackle and Pop 5 5 6 0.469
ERA 1 28 8 13 0.653
Double Entendre 7 5 4 0.594
Double Entendre 10 3 3 0.719
Double Entendre 11 2 3 0.750
ERA 2 28 10 10 0.688
Servants of Saruman 7 4 5 0.563
Servants of Saruman 8 6 2 0.688
Servants of Saruman 9 5 2 0.719
ERA 3 24 15 9 0.656
Cereal Killers 1 9 6 0.344
Cereal Killers 7 2 7 0.500
Cereal Killers 7 5 4 0.594
ERA 4 15 16 17 0.479
Total 95 49 49 0.619
W T L
1 Oblivion Knights 6 5 6 0.500
2 Oblivion Knights 5 2 9 0.375
3 Oblivion Knights 8 0 8 0.500
ERA 1 19 7 23 0.459
4 Evil Entrails 6 3 7 0.469
5 Evil Entrails 9 2 5 0.625
6 Evil Entrails 6 5 5 0.531
ERA 2 21 10 17 0.542
7 Molten Agony 6 3 7 0.469
8 Molten Agony 6 3 7 0.469
9 Molten Agony 5 5 6 0.469
ERA 3 17 11 20 0.469
10 Oblivion Knights 7 3 6 0.531
11 Oblivion Knights 6 6 4 0.563
12 Oblivion Knights 9 4 3 0.688ERA 4 22 13 13 0.594
Total 79 41 73 0.516
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8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
7/17
HEYWOOD:GOOOOOD MORNING, OFL !!!It's your good ol' pally Pal, Heywood
Jawblomi... someone explain that to the
Jonesie guy or whatever his name is ....
freak. He has some kind of weird accent
on account of he's from another country
and stuff. What? So what if my only
second language is just drawing stick
figures! He still sounds funny. Anyway,
{shuffles through papers on his desk] tell
him to stop eating all the plants in the
lobby and looking at the human
secretaries like they're all so hideous...
Sheesh. Freakin' ELF coaches..
[focusing back on camera]
Well, ALL YOU BRIGHT EYED, HOPEFUL
BLOOD BOWL COACHES OUT THERE!!
I've been watching you guys in the
offseason.. all you coaches with your
saucer like eyes... all dreamy as a prom
queen for your new teams, or old teams,
FREEEEEEEEEEE AGENTS and your new
logos and your new Banners... I can't
wait to see those smiles turned into prison
GLORY HOLES in the good old Nuffle
Powered OFL where "No means yes, and
yes means anal."
[manical laughter ensues]
Let's get down to business, shall we...
someone send in that guy from Siberia...
what? Finland? Well, that's gotta be close
to Siberia, right? Oh well, fifty fifty
chance, and I blew it. Damn.
HEYWOOD:Hiya Coach.. c'mon in, Jujitsu
[SPEAKS SLOWLY AND LOUDER]
COOOOOMEEEE INNNNNN
[motions to the chair]
Coach Jounisii:It's Jounisii.
HEYWOOD:Yea, I know who you are
Jumanji. [makes air quotes] "Help! I'm
lost in board game!!! " AM I RIGHT?!?!?!
BWHAHHA!!
Coach Jounisii:It's prounouced Jounisii.
HEYWOOD:Jomosayswhat?
Coach Jounisii:Yo My Niggah!!!
[COMPLETE SILENCE FALLS OVER THE SET.
EVEN HEYWOOD IS SPEECHLESS.
SOMETHING HE MAY NEVER BE AGAIN..
EVEN WHEN HE'S DEAD.]
Coach Jounisii:Like that. [Smiles]
HEYWOOD:Whahu? What?
Coach Jounisii:You know, the "Yo" part
from the first word, and the "Ni" part
from the last bit. Used that when I was
working in Ireland. I would ask them:
"What do rappers say?" [Jounisii stands
up, flashing make pretend gang sign in
that pitiful way most, if not all, forty year
old white guys do. He's obviously about
to belt out something] YO! MY NI...
[Heywood, encouraged by all the peoples'
shrieks of horror, abruptly interrupts him]
HEYWOOD:[terrible y flustered andpanicked] NO. No. no...That's alright.. We
get it. We get it.. "Yoe-Knee. right? Like
that??
Coach Jounisii:Yea, but add the Sii.. like
this...
HEYWOOD:[frantically interrupts again]
YOE KNEE ZEE.. RIGHT? LIKE THAT,
RIGHT??
Coach Jounisii: Right. Jounisii. [Smiles
some more, oblivious of the chaos that
caused]
HEYWOOD:Nuffle bless us one and all.
How'd you get that name? Lose a bet or
something?
Coach Jounisii:Jouni happens to be my
1st name. A beautiful and noble Finnish
name. The rest is part of my surname. I've
had this nick for a long time, no reason to
change or fix something that ain't broken.
HEYWOOD:If you say it that way in the
wrong neighborhood, your teeth are
gonna get some fixing. Of course, I keeptelling my wife the same thing: So, tell us
about your team, JuicyFruit .. I MEAN
JOUNISII...
Coach Jounisii:Well, Wiggling Elvis is
clearly our leader on and off the pitch.
And he shall never die. Believe me. But
the other blitzer hired from Fastball,
Lucien Swift, should carry Pelves at least
for a while.
HEYWOOD:What about your coaching
history, Joe... Coach Jounisii?
Coach Jounisii:I played like 10 TT matches
in early 90s. I found the Cyanide version
last spring and since then I've played a
decent amount on-line. I love doing crazy
stuff with elves. Gives me certain
satisfaction when I can hear screaming
and roaring from 2000 miles away. Some
of those plays are sort of my mostmemorable moments thus far. For
example, a play against Danton in Big
Crunch season 4 with my wussies was
quite enjoyable - turned almost certain
defeat on turn 16 to a victory.
HEYWOOD:Ha! Yeah, I hear Danton still
hasn't really gotten over that one. His
gfnd says he still screams your name in his
sleep. [looks off screen] What? What
does that have to do with anything if he's
married? Oh, shite! Yea, I meant that MY
GIRLFRIEND is screaming out your name.
[Nervous laughter] Well, let's talkKickoffs...
Coach Jounisii:Kick-off results, meh. They
come and go. The only times i'm really
irritated is when my 1turn attempt is
foiled by unfavourable K-O result.
HEYWOOD: Speaking of one turners,
good luck with that marriage, Danton...
So, Coach J, who do you have winning
your Conference?
Coach Jounisii:Shaking Pelves will wreakhavoc in LFC soon enough. Off course.
What an idiotic question. Pros will win
everything humanly (or actually elfly)
possible.
HEYWOOD:Well, it seems that Danton
chap has been elf'balled by you, any other
coaches you have a gripe against or that
might have some ill-will toward you?
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Coach Jounisii:No-one bothers to create a
rivalry with pro elfies of a noob. But soon
enough everyone shall hate us. Bring it on,
frail and grumpy oldies - yet definitely not
goldies any more.
HEYWOOD:Dang, This Swedish guy is
really bringing the smack talk, isn't that
how the kids these days say it? He's "got
a Beef" or something like that? You'renot exactly a young turk yourself, are you,
Sammy Switzerland?
Coach Jounisii:I'm from Finland as
mentioned before. Not many of us around
here. 40 years young.
HEYWOOD:I like 40 year old women.. IF
THEY'RE TWINS, AM I RIGHT?? What's the
word for twins in Latvian? And don't say
Olsen, AM I RIGHT OR AM I RIGHT??
Coach Jounisii:I'm from Fin...
HEYWOOD:Right, right, we're almost
FINished... I get it ... Sheeesh, Mr.
Hurryuppants. One more question: how
do you feel you and your organization did
in this Era's draft?
Coach Jounisii:The draft went well. Got
the race I wanted and made a deal to get
some extra. I was following the trading
frenzy with curiosity and amusement. I
guess next time I'd trade some more as
the system would be more familiar. Then
again, it'd depend on a gazillion of small
factors.
HEYWOOD:Ha! Speaking of small factors,
let's introduce the next coach: Coach Ken.
Yeah, not that imaginative and hear it
took him two weeks to learn to spell it.
But, hey, the guy's Canadian, so that's
PROGRESS.
[Coach Jounisii is escorted out and Coach
Ken sits down]
HEYWOOD:Welcome Coach.
Coach Ken: [FARTS]
HEYWOOD:Awww. The Canadian mating
call... I"m flattered, but no thanks... So,
the name...
Coach Ken:My full name is
KenDontDodge of the Standfirm Clan,
third born of JohnPileOnYa. But since that
was already taken I just went with the
quicker to type "ken."
HEYWOOD:Don't dodge huh? That's a
real skill.... for FACIALS... Tell us about
your team. Who is gonna be the
cornerstone of this bunch?
Coach Ken:Without a doubt the star
player in training for Confederacy of
Dunces is our new Flagship beast of
burden, Maggie Crasher. She spent season
twelve learning the ropes from the mean
machine supreme, Mjolnir, and is poisedto surpass him in every way. She might
only have 2 skills coming into this era but
it's hard to argue that Block and Claw are
anything but sprinters shoes for this
bringer of pain.
HEYWOOD:So, give the viewers a little bit
of background on yourself, Coach K.
Coach Ken:I've been at this Blood Bowl
thing for both too long and not long
enough. My first exposure was when I
bought the original vanilla release from
Cyanide and no surprise it left a bad taste
in my mouth since I couldn't swallow the
entire rules set in one go.
HEYWOOD: [SPEWS THE "COFFEE" HE
WAS DRINKING] Wait... What??
Coach Ken: [keeps talking, not noticing
Heywood as he tries to clean up the mess]
Somehow I got hold of the CRP a year or
two later, picked up the Dark Elf
expansion and played with myself for a
couple hundred games.
[Heywood falls over backwards in his
chair, tumbling off the back of the stage]]
The AI regularly kicked my ass and I
thought the game was better than my
sister's famous Cherry Pie. I lurked a little
on BBTactics.com was tricked into joining
the multiplayer scene in March of 2013
and joined a league with an Ogre lineup
(having played a grand total of 10 online
matches at this point). My first game I
devastated a 15 year veteran of the game
that was coaching a pro elf team, I don't
think he's played since, then I went on to
be humiliated in my next 4 games. I was
hooked on the abuse. Here I am almost ayear and a half later, I'm still a terrible
coach and I'm still having a blast.
HEYWOOD:[composing himself]
Fans have been asking about kickoff
results. What's your fav?
Coach Ken:I hate all kickoff results, they
are the worst part of the game. Seeing the
result of any kickoff result is like seeing
the result of a GFI for Jackal, that poor,
tormented bastard. It's the end of all love
for this game every single time without
fail. Luckily the first block brings the loveback home, drama drama drama Ha!
HEYWOOD:Put on your Swami hat. Who
do you think will win your conference?
Do you and any other coaches have any
beefs held over from last season?
Coach Ken:Confederacy of Dunces is
gonna take the conference title in the
Foulathon. If you're asking about the
championship? Then fucked if I know. I
almost had an established rivalry with
Travel Scrabble, but he left for the wienier
pastures of the AFC/WFC chumps. Mybackup rival was to be Everblue for picking
easy mode clown dwarves but he dropped
off the face of the earth and possibly into
a bathtub full of dead hookers. My third
choice rival is Barmution, he's great fun to
taunt from the other side of the pitch and
he often uses Ventrilo. It's a lot easier to
hate somebody when you can hear their
voice.
HEYWOOD: What about the draft? Things
were quite different this year with the
addition of the scouts... How did you
fare?
Coach Ken:I think I got crazy lucky in the
draft which compensated for my
inexperience. I saw a lot of bad offers and
ignored them, made me not want to trade
at all. Getting a full era with the Dunces is
all I really wanted out of the draft, so I
have to admit I am briefly happy....
Moment's over. Anger is back.
HEYWOOD:That's your angry face? I
thought you were just trying to shit your
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pants... again. You know, like last
season... 5-4- and SEVEN. Hhahhahaha...
anyway, we're about to go to break.
Thanks for your time.... STOP MAKING
THAT FACE, DUDE!!
[Coach Ken grabs the mic and looks into
the camera]
Coach Ken:I like cookies and one time I
told a joke that someone laughed at.Revisiting that moment on a daily basis is
more nourishing than keenwa. "You either
do something or you don't, it's always
50/50" -- Bad math to live by!!
[the Jawblomi staff help escort Coach Ken
off the stage as Coach Thsin sits down]
HEYWOOD:Sorry about that guy, Coach
Thsin. But I must say, i do agree with the
fella's math, which frightens me.
Coach Thsin:It's fine. He's Canadian. He
tried to hump my leg back stage. It's to be
expected. Did you know that even theirBACON is tubular is shape?
HEYWOOD:Yeah.. [Spicoli voice] TOTALLY
TUBULAR. So, your team of pointy ears,
yeah? What's up with them? Who would
you say is your most important player?
Coach Thsin:Well I've got high hopes for
Morgan Tyrell from Fastball who can
dodge we...
HEYWOOD:Wait. What? HE'S your most
important player??
Coach Thsin:lol, nope Meadowlark. It'll be
great to coach the most freakish elf I've
ever come across in Blood Bowl!
HEYWOOD:Okay, okay... good one. You
sure got me there. Btw, Coach, my
information says that you've decided to
begin the season without an
apothecary???? Is this really true? Did
Meadowfart, uhhhh, don't tell him I called
him that, even know that when he signed
with you guys??
Coach Thsin:Ha! Ha! A guy likeMeadowlark doesn't care, sir! The thought
that he may be injured against the scrubs
we face in week 1 hasn't even crossed his
mind.
[Heywood waits and stares into Coach
Thsins eyes]
Coach Thsin:And it was in the very small
print...
HEYWOOD:I KNEW IT! Well, we'll see
how that plays out.. Could be genius.Could be a lot of elf hatin' haters hatin' all
day and drinkin' their haterade... So,
what about your pedigree, Coach T? How
long you been playing this game.
Coach Thsin: 4 years now.
HEYWOOD:Years of throwing actual dice
and painting figures?
Coach Thsin:No TT experience here,
video game born and bred. Always like the
look of it on my brothers White Dwarfs
when I was little, so when I saw the gameI got it... for xbox 360. When I saw just
how much better the PC version was, I got
it joined some private leagues and never
looked back.
HEYWOOD:Ha! Never looked back???
Well, you obviously haven't had a
sleepover with Coach Ken!! Well, so all
your visions are pixilated, huh? What's
one of your greatest or most memorable
Blood Bowl moment?
Coach Thsin:Most memorable moment?
I'd say first league I won was a brilliantmoment, just pipping winning 6-0 with
one of my wood elf teams and having one
of my players be the top all-time killer in
SvS.
HEYWOOD:We've been asking all the
coaches.. a poll of sorts...
[the word poll gets Coach Ken all riled up
and the crew has to keep him from trying
to get back on stage. Of f camera you can
hear him screaming: I love poles!! Give
me candy!! ]
HEYWOOD:Sorry about that: anyway,
what are your favorite and least favorite
Kick-Off results?
Coach Thsin:Blitz against my opponent -
blitz against me.
HEYWOOD:Yeah, I get that. Personally,
that Rock that killed that Mummy a few
years back is my favorite. I have a wizard
play it every New Years Eve party.
ahhahahahah. Okay, so, whosgonna
take your conference?
Coach Thsin:I will of course! It will be
interesting to see, but anybody has a
chance, especially in non-bashy LFC.
HEYWOOD:Any other predictions?
Coach Thsin:As for the other divs, I know
Darken is a really good coach from SvS so
let's go for him.
HEYWOOD:So, "Thsin" what the hell kind
of name is "Thsin"? It looks like some of
Coach Ken's early attempts to spell HISname.
Coach Thsin:As a complete noob on the
xbox 360 I wasn't very good, but I
managed to make a very successful dwarf
team on it, got all the players to level 6.
The first to level 7 and my favourite player
was a runner called Thsin, generic name
as the 360 didn't let you customise. So
when I had to come up for a name for the
Cyanide forum to find out about bug fixing
and later for the PC account, I went with
my first best player.
HEYWOOD:Makes sense. Okay, wrapping
up, how do you feel you made out during
this Era's draft?
Coach Thsin:Well as I was one of the few
who wanted Pro Elves I did what was
needed got myself enough cap and so on.
Next era may try for a more bashy race so
would be more interesting.
HEYWOOD:Anything else you'd like our
viewers to know about yourself, Coach T?
Coach Thsin:Tall, Scottish, fanaticalfootball (regular and American ) fan, love
sport, family and BB. Keen on astronomy
as well.
[Coach Thsin departs and Coach Ken
comes in a takes a seat... no, really, he just
took one of the chairs.. says he needs it
for his trailer.... now, Coach
ScottishDunccomes in. Another chair is
brought to the stage by the staff and
Coach ScottishDunc sits down]
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10/17
HEYWOOD: Well, out goes one Scot and,
Lo' and Behold! In comes another. Say,
that reminds me... Hiya, Coach
ScottishDunc... have a seat. So, is it true
what they say about Sheepskin condoms?
Coach ScottishDunc:What's that?
HEYWOOD: THAT IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING
SEX WITH A SHEEP?? DO YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?? BWAHAHAHHAA
Coach ScottishDunc:[silence]
HEYWOOD:Okay, okay. Sorry. I .. I just
love that one. EWE know EWE do too.
Bahwhahhaah...
Coach ScottishDunc:[More Silence]
HEYWOOD:[Clears throat nervously]
Ahem. Okay. Okay. Baaaaaaaaaaaa ...
HAHHAHAHAHA
[Wipes the tears from his eyes] Okay. let'sget back on track.... So, Coach S.... tell us a
little bit about your team. Who would you
say is your team's leader?
Coach ScottishDunc:I think that you have
to take a look at Badger. Having managed
to stay injury free while almost all other
Beastmen least era sustained an injury of
some sort. He has tasted blood and in a
recent one-on-one meeting he made it
clear that those damn dirty dodgers taste
really good.
HEYWOOD:I think we have some footageof him from last season:
http://randallshoneybadger.com/
Coach ScottishDunc:That's a Honey
Badger. That video is old and played out.
LIke your sister.
HEYWOOD:So it is... [Heywood continues
to stare at the monitor]
Coach ScottishDunc:[snaps his fingers]
HEYWOOD:Oh! Right! So, how long have
you been playing?
Coach ScottishDunc:I played TT back on
the early 2000's with some friends and
was recently reintroduced to the game
when browsing a comic book store and
found an unopened copy. Then, after a lot
of prodding from Ken, I finally bought the
online version and haven't looked back
since!
[Heywood spits out the coffee he was
drinking and the mug falls on to the floor]]
HEYWOOD: SPhhhhhhhhtttttttt...
What? [makes air quotes] "Prodding
from Ken" ?? Bwhahahhaahha.... [slaps
his knee] OH this is rich... [talking to
himself, unable to stop laughing.. tears
streaming from his eyes now] "haven't
looked back" [continues laughing]
Coach ScottishDunc:Are you finished?
HEYWOOD:I"m sorry, Coach. Really. I
just ... Okay. What's your most
memorable Blood Bowl moment?
Coach ScottishDunc:The most
memorable would have to be from a
recent match over at BBT. With no RRs
left, one of my +AG Skinks collected the
ball in two tackle zones, made 2 dodges
into 2 tackle zones, 2 dodges into 1 tackle
zones and the dodge out of the tackle
zones only to fail on the only gfi .
[there is a high pitched scream heard offcamera, it sounds like an animal on fire]
.... needed to score and win the game!
HEYWOOD:Jeeez, man!! Keep it down.!!
Ixnay on the "Ohforit, gay"... Coach
Jackal's in the building and apparently he's
not wearing his restraints. But yeah it's
cruel how Nuffle will string your hope
out... kinda like coaxing out a turtle.. only
to [screams loudly] POW!! CRUSH IT'S
TINT FRAGILE SKULL WITH A FRAMING
HAMMER!!
Coach ScottishDunc:[Looks around] Is
this guy for real?
HEYWOOD:So, what about the kickoff?
Fav? Least Fav?
Coach ScottishDunc: High Kick would
have to be my favorite... it gives only a
small benefit (as long as the ball was
placed well) to the receiving team. Blitz is
my least. Don't get me wrong, the lads are
trained to take advantage of this kick off
result but it just feels wrong... kind of like
Kens avatar!
HEYWOOD:I know, right? That Ken guy
has issues. Needs some tissues for his
issues. KNOW WHAT I MEAN,
BWHAHAHAH.. So, who do you predict
will win your Conference and who will win
the final?
Coach ScottishDunc:I'd love to think my
murderers can make it to the top, but I
think you'll find that Itchen will take that...
although they will bleed on the way!
HEYWOOD:Any already established
rivalries?
Coach ScottishDunc:My main rivalries
would have to be with CharlieBanks who
is a big fan of Wrecks Ryan and and the
Murderers in general and Ken, I just can't
wait to see him at work and rub it in his
face when Margaret Crasher goes down
during our game!
HEYWOOD:Aw man, that would be
awesome to be able to physically see
someone's face the day after a beatdown.
You two must really be looking forward to
game five, huh? So, help me crack the
code to your screenname...
Coach ScottishDunc: Simple... I'm
Scottish and my last name in Duncan.
Sorted!
HEYWOOD:How do you think you did in
the draft? What would you do differntlynext era?
Coach ScottishDunc:I gave up a couple
scouts that I didn't need to in order to
secure #1 spot [in the LFC] ... next time I
think I'll be more aware of how far down
the top 3 teams I wanted went (hint...my
#2 team went really far down!)
HEYWOOD:Anything else we should
know about you?
Coach ScottishDunc:I love Thul (in a
platonic way only since he refused to takethe bouquet of dead elves I sent him!) and
this league is one of the best run things I
have ever come across!
HEYWOOD:[Heywood spits out more
coffee] Phhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhpt....
Wow, that reminds me... Can you give this
five dollars to Ken's sister for me? Well,
that's two Scots in row and we all know.. i
it's not Scottish... it's CRAP!!! Speaking of
crap, I've gotta take a dump soon. How
many more coaches do we have left
anyway? What? Only one more? Great.
Bring him on. I can wait. I kinda like alittle prairie doggin'.
[Coach Danton is escorted in by one of the
staff]
HEYWOOD:Welcome, welcome, Coach D
I see you've got the premies for the
interview so you know the first question:
so, let's hear your answer.
Coach Danton: Well this team is all about
the stormvermin FAs really. They both
http://randallshoneybadger.com/http://randallshoneybadger.com/http://randallshoneybadger.com/ -
8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
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played on my team all of last season and
were the main reason for bringing the
team back this time around.
Ming the Mercilessneeds no introduction
having been on a championship winning
team before. He racked up 17 casualties
for me last season and am hoping to get
him up to Legendary status, while
surpassing that mark this season (talk
about signing his death warrant...).Hurt Strike Killis also a promising "up and
comer" and I am also expecting big things
from him this season, as he's close to
becoming a star in his own right (strike 2)!
The rest of the team are a bunch of
rookies, but I've got some scout flags on
three of the gutter runners, so hopefully
at least one of them will show some early
promise.
HEYWOOD:Yea, those scout things...
[Whispers to Coach Danton: don't call
them flags] are really gonna make somecoaches happy and other weep. So, i
read your bio earlier today. What? I
sometimes take two craps a day...
anyway, you've kind of had two Blood
Bowl lives, huh?
Coach Danton: I actually bought the very
first version of the board game and the
expansion when it came out back in the
80s (yes I am that old). I played the game
while at school, but then sold it when I
graduated and never played a game of BB
again until the Cyanide version came out!
Since then I've been an active member ofseveral online leagues and have accrued a
lot of online experience. My most
memorable moment would have to be
winning the OCC (Orca Cola
Championship) league title with my dark
elf team. It's a huge league which
normally has around 250 coaches divided
into 6 or 7 tiers. My team spent around 14
seasons getting battered in the top
divisions before i was finally able to win
the title and to this day it's the only dark
elf team to have managed to win the
league.
The very final game was hugely nerve-
wracking, playing against a lizardman
team coached by a former champion. All I
needed was a draw to take the title. The
first half ended in a perfect 1-0 grind for
me and I thought I was set. The Lizards
then managed to score after around 5
turns of their drive and then got a blitz on
their kick-off!
I secured the ball, but then two
consecutive snake-eyes dodges on my
turns left one of my blitzers exposed with
the ball and it looked certain that the
lizards would steal the ball, score and ruin
my dream of winning the league!
Somehow my blitzer survived like 10 block
dice on turn 16 and I barely hung on for
the draw! Talk about relief!!
HEYWOOD: Relief is gonna be when I
blow up the employee bathroom after this
interview... pheeew. I got a turd the sizeof how much Coach GymBo wishes he
could self felate. So, Kickoff... love 'em or
hate 'em... What's your favorite
result? Least favorite?
Coach Danton: Favourite would be Get
the Ref, as it can really changes the
dynamic of some matches. Particularly
when neither coach was planning on
fouling at all!
Least favourite has to be Throw a Rock. I
would nerf it and make it a BH at worst. I
think it's far too random a way to have aplayer crippled or worse.
HEYWOOD:What? I freakin' LOVE when a
rock get's thrown.. I have season tickets
to many stadiums, but I never miss the
FI$T FIR$T BRING YOUR FAVORITE BRICK
TO THE STADIUM night.. Oh well, to each
his own. Fifty fifty, right? So, new team,
huh? Do you think your guys can
compete?
Coach Danton: I think my team has a good
shot at winning the Conference if I can
keep my stormvermin healthy anddevelop some nice gutter runners. There
are some strong franchises back from last
season who will be contenders again
though I'm sure. Both Dreamy's wood
elves and Matt's dark elves are likely to
feature.
There are several coaches from the
BBTactics community here, who I've
played against in other competitions as
well as here last season, so plenty of
rivalries from the past to build on!
Barmution and Ging are both in my
division this season and I look forward totrying to kill both of their teams! Jounisii is
of course also in for some pain if our
teams happen to meet! REVENGE IS A
DISH BEST SERVED.... BY RATS WITH
CLAWS!!
HEYWOOD:Easy there, Gerbil boy...
Richard Queeef.... Randy Ratface...
Sorry. I get carried away. So, what's with
"Danton"? That's where Coach Ken's
sister works... . You know.. DOWN ..
TOWN...
Coach Danton: It's actually my middle
name. I hardly ever use my middle name
in real life, so it sort of became my online
handle for some reason... I guess I felt it
needed to be used somewhere... Not
much point having a middle name if you
don't use it is there? Is there???
HEYWOOD:Good lord, man... you seem
to have confused yourself in a trance..Shake it off. Let's change subjects. Draft
how'd you do?
Coach Danton: I drafted in the mid 30s,
which suited me as I didn't think that
Skaven would be very popular. I couldn't
get as involved in the trading as I would
have liked, due to being away on vacation
that week and it would have been nice to
have been able to accumulate a bit more
FA cap in order to be able to add another
FA to the team, but all in all I'm happy
with the outcome.
HEYWOOD:Yea, "vacation" COUGH
COUGH jail COUGH COUGH makes it
difficult to really stay on top of all those
trade offers and the like... Aside from
COUGH COUGH prison COUGH COUGH
what else would you like our viewers to
know about you, Coach D ?
Coach Danton: I live in Buenos Aires in
Argentina, although I was born in Ireland
to an English father and an Argentine
mother! Spent most of my life between
Ireland and England, but then married anArgie and moved here almost ten years
ago. Have a couple of kids, am losing my
hair and beginning to cultivate a
paunch. When not doing important things
like playing BB, I also work as a web
developer and mobile app developer.
HEYWOOD:Alrighty then!! Well, that's it
for another segment of Heeeeeeeey
WouldJaBlowmi's Clever Curnt Corner
[Heywood obviously thinks the mics are
off and leans forward to speak to Coach
Danton]
HEYWOOD:Hey man, sorry about that
girlfriend comment, buddy..
Coach Danton: No worries, you are lucky I
have a sense of humour!! It's perfectly
fine.... as long as the wife never reads it...
oh shit... I think she's coming....
[Heywood and Coach Danton both sprint
off camera to the sounds of screaming
and explosions]
-
8/9/2019 OFL Blood Blotter Issue32
12/17
Season 13 of the OFL is closing in on kick-off! The WFC features plenty of intriguing matchups, the resurrection of some old rivalries, and plenty of
potential for close races and fireworks. Here's how the divisions break down:
GK - Undead - Electric Mayhem
Astro - Necro - Crestwood Creeps
Blitz- Human - UFC Football
Jako - Orc - Da Pumpkin Patch
Hot Take:This will be a fiercely-contested
division, but the Humans will be in for a
long Era.
Players to Watch:Trik - Da Pumpkin
Patch, Anderson Silva - UFC Football,
Urijah Faber - UFC Football
GK comes in with a new Undead team,
Astro's got a new Necro team, Blitz has
performed some necromancy of his own,
unearthing a Human team that was
mothballed after Season ONE, and Jako's
back with Da Pumpkin Patch. Only Jako
will be entering the Era with a legitimate
game-breaker on his roster, none other
than the legendary Trik, though Blitz hasfranchised a pair of AG+ players, which
should help him in the early going. The
Orcs' heavy armour and the Regen on
Astro's and GK's squads should help them
weather the storm, but I don't expect the
Humans to hold up in this meat-grinder.
GK, Blitz, and Jako will all contend for
playoff spots, and I'd be surprised if the
division title is decided before the final
week of the season.
Belasco - Undead - Back For More
Rauni - Dark Elf - Nebraska Hornhuskers
Orabbi - Chaos - The Doom that Came to
the OFL
BSU - Lizards - Lizard Pool Blood Bowl Club
Hot Take: Another tough division to
handicap, but expect Belasco and BSU tobe the frontrunners.
Players to Watch:Lil Red - Nebraska
Hornhuskers
Belasco, Orabbi, and BSU are all in with
fresh teams, while Rauni brings back the
Hornhuskers. The DE's advantage at being
the only established team is tempered by
the reality that it's tough for Elves to make
the most of returning stars, given their
high player cost. Belasco's good no
matter what he plays, Lizards are good no
matter who coaches them, and Orabbiwith a Chaos team is a nightmare; he
should be easy pickings early on since he's
fielding all rookies, but nobody will want
the Doom on their schedule by the time
Season 14 rolls around. I expect that
Belasco will take the division, with Rauni
and BSU challenging for WC spots.
Damek - Dark Elf - Silver Spades
Hammertime - Chaos Pact - Maelstrom
Marauders
Gym-bo - Lizardman - Jurassic Park Diners
Timdog - Norse - Frozen Tallywackers
Hot Take: This is Damek's division to lose,
he should win it walking away. Gym-Bo
should push for a WC spot.
Players to Watch:Aethnal - Silver Spades,
Omegan - Maelstrom Marauders, Raptor
Jesus - Jurassic Park Diners, UnrKegsplitter - Frozen Tallywackers
Damek's in with a new DE team, Hammer
is picking up the reins on the Maelstrom
Marauders, Tim's back to playing with his
frostbitten dicks, and Gym's gone easy-
mode. Damek's record speaks for itself,
and there's no reason to expect that he
won't continue his dominance with his
new DE team, even though the "silver
spades" sounds like an octogenarian biker
gang. Hammer's Marauders are going to
be in for a rough ride, at least for this
season; Pact aren't a strong low-TV team,and they won't match up well against any
of their div-mates. The opposite side of
that coin is Timdog's Tallywackers, they
could challenge for a WC spot this season,
since Norse should be strong out of the
gate. The Diners will do fine once they ge
a few of their rookie Saurs built up, but
they may regret their decision to spend
big on a Kroxigor in Free Agency. When
it's all said and done though, this is
Damek's show.
Toast - Orc - Flash Gitz
Squall - Necro - Cactuar Resurrection
Sabonnel - Nurgle - Creeping Death
Thul - Circus - Dagger Devils
Hot Take:Thul's fucked.
Players to Watch:Sitri - Creeping Death,
Dabulletz - Flash Gitz
Seriously, what was Thul thinking? He
should have a word with the guy who
designed these divisions. Toast's logo
looks like the Orc version of Mr. Peanut,
or maybe Rich Uncle Moneybags (the
Monopoly guy, you idiots), but don't be
fooled. Toast will have the Gitz in
contention, though having 2 "claw" teams
in his division isn't an ideal situation for an
Orc team. Squall's Cactuar fixation has
moved over to a fresh Necro squad, while
Sab is the only coach bringing in an
established team, which should give himan early edge. Toast and Squall should
both make the playoffs, but Sab
happens...
Kal Durak - ChaosKhornes Karnage
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Remthar - Vampires - Tragic Failures
Jasfoz - Ogres - Crush Kill Destroy
TrickIce - Chaos Dwarf - Molten Agony
Hot Take: Rem and Jas are both playing
gimmick races, and Trick's never coached
CDs. Kal wins this division by 5 points.
Players to Watch:Wyatt Twerp - Tragic
Failures, Basalt Blackbarrel - Molten
Agony
No disrespect to the other coaches in the
WFCS (ok, maybe a LITTLE disrespect), but
Kal is going to have a field day here. Yeah,
Chaos teams are traditionally slow out of
the gate, and who knows, maybe Remthar
is actually a wizard who can somehow
make Vampires not be garbage, but I
don't see any way that Kal doesn't win this
division by a mile. Trick may challenge
him once he gets the hang of his new Claw
Dwarves, but this is going to be the leastexciting division in the OFL this season.
Nobody wants Ogres on their schedule,
but nobody loses to them, either. If the
Chaos team hasn't clinched the division by
Week 12, I'll be surprised.
The AFC also features plenty of intriguing matchups, the resurrection of some old rivalries, and plenty of potential for close races and fireworks.
Here's how the divisions break down:
Lazarus - Chaos - Snap, Crackle, Pop
Wildfire40 - Dark Elf - Grave Filling Intent
Papadragon - Nurgle - Contagious
Lawquoter - Skaven - Hood Rats
Hot Take:Wildfire takes the division, with
Lawquoter in contention for a wildcard
spot.
Players to Watch:Basher III - Snap,
Crackle, Pop, Gasher - Snap, Crackle, Pop,
Popsnot - Hood Rats
Lazarus has brought back Slam's old Chaos
franchise, and he brought a pair of game-
changing Beastmen with him. Wild is at
the helm of a fresh DE squad, Papa's
reunited with his Era 3 team, and
Lawquoter has chosen to continue with
the Hood Rats, who he took over last
season. The Elves and the Rats should
have an early advantage over the slower-
starting Chaos and Nurgle squads, but
they'd better get out of the gate with
some purpose, because Papa and Laz will
close that window in a hurry.
Mardaed - High Elf - Phoenix Kings
Michaels - Nurgle - Calamitous Intent
Jackal - Human - Fi$t Fir$t
Voltron - Dwarf - Battle Hammer BBC
Hot Take: The Phoenix Kings are the team
to beat, though Battle Hammer BBC will
give them a run for their money.
Players to Watch: Connor MacCrimmon -
Phoenix Kings, Manni - Fi$t Fir$t
Mardaed and the Phoenix Kings are back
to take another run at a title, Michaels
wins the "best logo" award with his new
Nurgle team, Jackal seems unaware that
there are other races to choose from, and
Voltron's Battle Hammer BBC is the lone
Dwarf entry this Era. Jackal's got a 1-
turner, and by the end of this Era I expect
Calamitous intent to be the team to beat,
but the Phoenix Kings have to be
considered top dogs right now. I like the
Dwarves to make the playoffs, but unless
somebody kills MacCrimmon, Mardaed
should have no trouble taking the
divisional crown.
Darken - Orc - Orkemon
Larkstar - Circus - Flipping Fools
Cullen - Lizardman - Hexoatl Hurricanes
Terry - Norse - The Winter Hammers
Hot Take:The Hurricanes win this division
with Orkemon in the middle of the
wildcard hunt.
Players to Watch:Hunahpu - Hexoatl
Hurricanes, Sixunlucky - Hexoatl
Hurricanes
After spending 6 seasons coaching the
Brackish Brawlers, Darken traded one
storied franchise for another, taking the
reins on one of the OFL's longest-running
franchises, Orkemon. To punish Darken
for torturing the rest of the league with
his Lizards for the last 2 Eras, he's thrown
in a division with the Hurricanes, who
have franchised a pair of ST 5 Saurs. I'd
like to say that Terry's Winter Hammers
and Larkstar's Flipping Fools will challenge
the big dogs, but I can't, because it would
be a lie. Cullen and Darken both make the
playoffs, Terry and Larkstar get their
brains smashed in.
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Bob - Necro - Hollywood Undead
TravelScrabble - Circus - HattifnattersParade
Norse - Norse - Fjord Mustangs
OPHare - Chaos Dwarf - Undermountain
Hammerhands
Hot Take:The Hammerhands grab the
division in a tight race that goes right
down to the wire.
Players to Watch: Tavi - Hollywood
Undead, Kaigan - Undermountain
Hammerhands, Scorn the Howler - Fjord
Mustangs
OPHare is the 4th coach to run the
Hammerhands, who are entering their 3rd
Era. Norse is back at the helm of his
beloved Mustangs, while TravleScrabble
and Bob both bring in fresh teams. The
AFC East could send three teams to the
playoffs, and the divisional crown will
probably come down to the last week of
the season. I give the edge to the
Hammerhands, followed by Hollywood
Undead and then the Mustangs.TravelScrabble will be a tough matchup
every week, but he's going to wish he
stayed in the LFC.
Slam - Chaos Pact - Cereal Killers
Pdarby - Chaos Dwarf - All Blacks
Sunhawk - Undead - Woodbury
Flesheaters
Dahamuran - Khemri - Finger Lickin Brood
Hot Take:The Undead are the fastest
team in this division. That's stupid.
Players to Watch: Cornelius Rooster -
Cereal Killers, BG's Backbone - Woodbury
Flesheaters, The Scorned - Finger Lickin
Brood
Slam's back with his Pact team from last
Era, Sunhawk's new Undead squad won
the "BG Sweepstakes", landing the
exciting young Ghoul despite offers from
several other clubs, Darby's new CD team
has a feather on its logo for some reason,
and Dahamuran used the final pick in the
draft to bring in a fresh Khemri team.
Chaos Pact should fare better this time
around now that they have some players
worth franchising, but I'm picking the
Claw Dorfs to win this division, with
Sunhawk and Slam hot on his heels.
Dahamuran's in for a long Era.
IN DEPTH LOOK AT THE AFC SOUTH
This division will see a lot of low scoring
matches as most of players are fairly
clumsy and slower than grandpa after his
botched hip replacement. This could be
due to the large number of expired
players. Cereal Killers boast the most agile
team overall and two players have elf-like
prowess. All Blacks are the fastest thanks
to their bull centaurs, but if they cant
handle the ball theyll be as slow as their
beer-drinking comrades. All in all expect a
lot of snoring in the stands as this first
season unfolds.
SlamCereal Killers (Chaos Pact)
Coach vs Coach: Vs Pdarby 0-0-1 Vs
Sunhawk 1-1-1 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0
Roster Depth: 2 FAs
Cornelius Rooster(Rotting Marauder):
AGI/block/dodge/claw/might blow
Captain Crunch(Rotting Marauder):
block/guard/tackle/mighty blow
Starting RRs: 3
Description: This team returns after a
mediocre era, but this coach comes in
with two things he didnt have last time:
experience, and more importantly two
star players.
Prediction: This first season favors this
team as they have on average more agility
and speed on their division rivals. If they
can avoid being out muscled by their rivals
and stay healthy they should be battling
for top spot in the division against the All
Blacks.
PdarbyAll Blacks (Chaos Dwarf)
Coach vs Coach: Vs Slam 1-0-0 Vs
Sunhawk 0-0-0 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0
Roster Depth: 1 FA
Scrotum 2(blocker):
standfirm/guard/mighty blow
Starting RRs: 2
Description: This team was a last minute
swap for Pdarby who originally was going
to play the much more agile Wood Elves.
While the rest of his team will be rookies
he will still have 4 more blockers to help
clear the pitch as well as a Minotaur and
two bull centaurs to flex their muscles.
Prediction: 1st place in the division, unless
this team sees a lot of rainy game days,
they should have a good shot.
Sunhawk8044Woodbury Flesheaters
(Undead)
Coach vs Coach: Vs Slam 1-1-1 Vs Pdarby
0-0-0 Vs Dahamuran 0-0-0
Roster Depth: 1 FA
BGs Backbone(ghoul): AGI
Starting RRs: 3
Description: This team will have no fear of
ball mishaps in their end thanks to BGs
Backbone but is relying heavily on rookies
to be able to bash a hole through the
opposition. Gods help them if the ghouls
end up on the front lines.
Prediction: A radical switch from the agile
dark elves this coach is used to. Undead
have had a rough go in this league, and
this first season should be filled with more
valleys than peaks.
DahamuranFinger Licking Brood
(Khemri)
Coach vs Coach: Has not played a game vs
any of his division rivals.
Roster Depth: 1 FA
The Scorned(blitz-ra): AGI/pro/sure hands
Starting RRs: 3
Description: Little is known about this
coach who had a rough go with the norse
in the one season hes played. That said, a
lot of muscle can move mountains and
hold back the flood gates to ensure this
team doesnt get blown out. The team
compensated for its lack of ball skills with
a wise free agent purchase and is the only
team to start with a 12 man roster.
Prediction: This team has the chance to
burst out of the gates and surprise
everyone but so much is riding on their
agile free agent that if he is successful and
remains healthy the rest of the team
should do well
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Lastly, The LFC features plenty of intriguing matchups, and blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Here's how the divisions break down:
DreamyWood ElfAngry Birds
20PhoenixNurgleRise of The
Depesticons
KenChaos PactConfederacy of Dunces
ThsinPro ElfSilverion Sabres
Hot Take:This could come down to the
wire with the week 16 tilt between The
Birds and Depesticons deciding it.
Players to Watch:ZiporaAngry Birds,
Margaret CrasherConfederacy of
Dunces, MeadowlarkSilverion Sabres,
Spawn of GlaakiRise of The Depesticons
Dreamy is bringing back The Angry Birds
to defend The LFC and World Titles. Ken is
bringing back Confederacy of Dunces to
defend truth, justice, and Okay, The Iron
Claw Lady and the rest of The BASTurds
are really just back to smash more shit.
20Phoenix and Thsin are both starting
new franchises. The Depesticons have the
ability to disrupt the offense of their Elf
rivals, and go toe-to-toe with CoD. The
Sabres have signed the Super-Elf,
Meadowlark. He has the strength to
literally carry this team. If he dies early
though, it will be a HUGE setback. The
Depesticons edge out Angry Birds, but
both teams should make the playoffs.
MattsDark ElfDarkland Raiders
CharlieBanksChaos PactAction Pact
DodeLizardmanZlatlan Dragons
JounisiiPro ElfShaking Pelves
Hot Take:Expect The Raiders to come out
on top with The Dragons making a push
for a Wildcard.
Players to Watch:Loqteu-hiZlatlan
Dragons, AnmaelDarkland Raiders
The West also consists of two new teams
and two returning teams. The Raiders
have unfinished business to take care of.
Anything short of a championship will be
considered a disappointment. The
Dragons are hoping to carryover some
momentum from the second half of last
season. Loqteu-hi is only the third player
to crack 30 Casualties in a season. He may
take a run at Alkinoes record this season.
Action Pact may have the greatest theme
ever, but the all-rookie lineup will find it
difficult to compete early on. Elvis is NOT
dead. He is alive and wiggling. For now
anyway. Pro Elves have traditionally taken
a beating. It could be a long season for the
Shaking Pelves. Raiders come out on top
with The Dragons vying for a Wildcard
spot.
RTSDHalflingHalfpint Heroines
ItchenOrcSkanks Eternal
ZuluHigh Elf51st
High Elf Division
ScottishDuncChaosMainstay
Murderers
Hot Take:This race should come down to
two teams: Skanks Eternal and The 51st
High Elf Division.
Players to Watch:Pappa SkankSkanks
Eternal, Phelan Moonwalker51st
High Elf
Division.
ScottishDunc (or ScottishDung as Damek
calls him) has the only returning team in
the division. Theyre bringing a few
hitters, but it will take them a while to
gain the necessary experience to be
competitive. RTSD is going with Halflings
and a thousand Scouts. They may surpass
The Hussies as the top Halfling team, but
it will be a miracle if they make the
playoffs. Itchen nearly made the playoffs
with Goblins! Imagine what he could do
with their giant green cousins. Well, you
wont have to use your imagination,
because he IS playing Orcs this Era, and
you can expect him to be dominant. Zulu
is trading in the slow grind of Khemri for
the fast break potential of High Elves. The
51st
should be in the running for a playoff
spot, but expect The Skanks to take the
title.
DantonSkavenBubonic Brats
GusyaKhorneFeeding Service
BarmutionChaos DwarfAscent of The
Autobeards
GingCircusCockney Rhyming Slann
Hot Take:This might be the toughest
division in The LFC. Both Wildcards could
emerge from the South.
Players to Watch:SkarbumCockney
Rhyming Slann, Ming the Merciless
Bubonic Brats, BomburFeeding Service,
Dusty HillAscent of The Autobeards
Only Barmutions Autobeards are new. It
really seems like they should have been
matched up with The Depesticons oh
well. Theyve signed a Claw Blocker and an
excellent Bull Centaur safety. Bubonic
Brats return with a pair of skilled
Stormvermin, including the scariest rat
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ever, Ming the Merciless. They are one of the favorites to win The LFC. Feeding Service made the playoffs last season. They should be even better
this season, starting on even ground with everyone. Cockney Rhyming Slann are the underdogs of the division. Skarbum (I dont want to know how
he got the name) is good, but theres only so much he can do by himself. The speed advantage is enough to put the Skaven overthe top, with the
other three teams battling for Wildcards.
When Cyanide released Khorne Dameons, many people were angry. They dont fit the fluff, some cried. Theyre a bunch of pussies, others
whined. I dont like the Pit Fighters Butts, complained others. Where are Slann and Pact? everyone screamed. Capes suckass, one guy
bitched. Now they have announced that they will be adding Brettonians, much to the delight of a handful of people. We have obtained a few of the
rosters they rejected before settling on the new ones.
This should put an end to all of the complaining.
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It was late when I finally found Crestwood
Cemetery. It was gloomy even for acemetery.
I drove past a group of Zombies digging up
a grave, and up the hill to Crestwood
Manor.
I parked next to a tiny yellow car, and
walked up the creaky steps to the front
door where I was met by a Zombie in a
tuxedo.
The Zombie-butler led me into the manor,which was filled with furniture that
appeared to have been put together
without the use of instructions.
I was taken to Mortimer Strange, a middle
aged man with long hair and a long beard.
He was wearing sweat pants and a t-shirt
with a Crestwood Creeps log that looked
like it had been drawn with a magic
marker by a four-year-old.
MORTIMER:Riggz! How are you? Its anhonor to be your first interview of the
season!
RIGGZ:Well, normally I dont interview
people Ive never heard of, but since
youre paying me
MORTIMER:Hey, Ive got a lot of extra
Kickstarter money lying around. Might as
well spread the wealth!
RIGGZ:Where did you get the idea for a
Kickstarter campaign?
MORTIMER:I figured there are jerks out
there raising money to make potato salad,
or to get Kenny Loggins to come perform
in their living room, so why not a Blood
Bowl team?
RIGGZ:I assume you reached all of your
stretch goals?
MORTIMER:Oh yeah. Come on let me
show you around.
We went to a large room stacked with
boxes of shirts and hats. A zombie was
sitting at a small a picture of The Creeps
logo was tacked to the wall next to the
Zombie.
MORTIMER:We make all of our own
apparel. Kevin, show him what you have
there.
Kevin held up a hat weird lopsided oval
drawn on it in red marker.
MORTIMER:What are you doing, Kevin?
KEVIN:Daaahhhrrrr Me drawed a
potato!
MORTIMER:Youre supposed to be
drawing this on the hats! (Mortimer
pointed to the Creeps logo) Not Potatoes!
Whats wrong with you? Are you retarded
or something?
Kevins eyes welled up with tears, and his
bottom lip quivered.
MORTIMER:Oh jeez dont cry! Justgo
ahead and draw potatoes.
KEVIN:Yay! Potato! Potato! Potato!
I followed Mortimer out back where
dozens of Zombies were hard at work,
being supervised by a fat, blue-haired
clown.
MORTIMER:Fuggo! Order another box of
hats! That asshole is drawing potatoes
again!RIGGZ:So your kickstarter stated that you
would create one super-player from the
remains of several dead superstars. How
did that work out?
MORTIMER:Not too bad, I think. I need
some more practice with stitching, but it
was my first attempt at a Flesh Golem, so
Im pretty happy with the results.
RIGGZ:Which superstars did you use?
MORTIMER:Well, I wanted to make a big,
imposing guy. Fuggo found a dead
Mummy in some boneyard. It looked likehis head had been smashed with a rock,
so we just chopped it off and replaced it.
RIGGZ:With what?
MORTIMER:Another head.
RIGGZ:I mean whose head?
MORTIMER:Malarias.
RIGGZ:Oh, nice.
MORTIMER:We also took parts from
Mauhur, Gorefist, and Pluto.
RIGGZ:Isnt Pluto still alive?
MORTIMER:That would explain the
screams.
RIGGZ:Thats quite a collection there.
MORTIMER:We gave him the brain of
someone named Abby.
RIGGZ:Are you working on the home
stadium?
MORTIMER:Right now, were clearing
space for it on the west end of the
cemetery. We dig up the graves, I
reanimate the bodies, and we put them to
work.
RIGGZ:What are you going to call it?
MORTIMER:Well, part of the kickstarter
was that I would allow the backers to
name it. Right now the name with the
most suggestions is Smelly Fuck Dump.
RIGGZ:Thats unfor
I caught something out of the corner of
my eye and jumped to the left. A Zombie
swung a huge wooden sledgehammer atme. I just barely avoided it.
GALLAGHER:ITS SLEDGE-O-MATIC!!!
The Zombie swung again.
MORTIMER:Gallagher! I thought we took
that fucking thing away!
The Zombie chased after me, wildly
swinging the hammer, and yelling Sledge-
o-matic. I ran for the front gates, and kepton going, leaving my car behind.
I emailed Mr. Strange, asking if they would
return my car to me. He explained that a
family of badgers had moved out of his
washing machine and was now living in
my car.
Ive decided to buy a new car.
CREDITS: WFC & AFC PreviewsGeneral
Kale; AFC SouthSlam; Clever Curnts Corner
Jackal, Jounisii, Ken, Thsin, ScottishDunc,
Danton; All The Stuff That Sucks -
Astrospider