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magazineOBSCUREOBSCURE SPORTSSPORTSJULY 2010

NOT SO SHINYDIAMONDThe Story Behind Quitting Kickball

Wiff le Bal lFrom Backyard to Playing Field

OSM ReviewCustomInk.com

Virgin TerritoryKickball

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www.obscuresportsmag.comJULY 2010[ Contents ][ Cover Story ] Not So Shiny Diamond: The Story Behind Quitting KickballIt isn’t always rainbows and unicorns on the kickball field. What started out as a weekly gathering of friends turned into drama and eventual departure.

[ Quick Hits ] p.6 - Upon Further Review Our favorite obscure sports clipsp.7 - Do’s & Don’ts What every sports-loving fashionista needs to knowp.23 - Photo Tag Think you’re witty? Win an OSM tee!p.29 - 1/2 PageWiffle Hurling

[ Columns ]p.4 - By The GlassBackyard oasis

p.12 - Virgin TerritoryJodi takes to the diamond for kickball

p.18 - The “O” ListWhen Sports Collide

p.22 - Master DebatersBattle of the noise makers

p.31 - Final Word“Stages of Injury”

Wiffle Ball Charlie checks in on the popular backyard game now playing at a field near you.

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Review: OSM puts CustomInk.com under the microscope to see if they get our Seal of Approval.

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p.24

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by the glass

Daniel B. GlassCreative DirectorObscure Sports Magazine

While reading through this month’s articles, I couldn’t help thinking back to my childhood and growing up in a small rural town. It’s the kind of town where you’ll see a farmer’s

implement on every road leading into town before reaching the first row of houses.

Our house was on the main street and near the “downtown.” We had what I thought at the time, was the greatest backyard ever. In reality it wasn’t that big, but it was big enough for daily games of wiffle ball, kickball, pickle and many variations of tag; path tag being one of my favorites during winter time.

The yard had it all. Our home plate was a couple of white lilac bushes which grew together forming an archway and allowing plenty of room for a kid to run under. The grass under the arch was worn away enough to make a dirt patch, perfect for home plate. First and second base were small squares of concrete or stone. I have no idea who made them or how they got there, but they were later removed to prevent injury. The grass had died underneath revealing perfect patches for bases. Third base

was an old tree stump from a rather large oak. We eventually didn’t need the stump as the base anymore because after the years a patch of dirt was worn in front of it providing us with our complete infield.

We didn’t have much of an outfield as second base was almost to the “warning track.” The warning track consisted of a row of small pine trees about 4 feet high or so. This row of trees was bookended by a huge pine that protected anything flying out to right field and a flat, wide bush was in left. A white picket fence was just beyond the row and was the target everyone aimed for from home plate. This yard came complete with a “Green Monster,” just like at Fenway Park in Boston. Ours was white and it was actually the neighbor’s garage. It was two stories high and intimidating. Legends were made for anyone going yard over it. Bragging rights were yours until someone else did it.

My parents still live in that house, but the landscaping has changed significantly. Every time I go back there, I can’t help think of all the great times we had in that yard. It was our own little oasis for hitting walk-off homeruns and having a ball with our friends.

It’s summer and I hope you can enjoy a more relaxed pace in your play time and leisure reading. Find an oasis of your own. Better yet, make an oasis and invite friends over to play. You won’t regret it.

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Andy ButeynDrawing Guy“Butanwed”andy@obscuresportsmag.com

Daniel B. GlassCreative Director “Gladasch” dan@obscuresportsmag.com

Jodi NeitzelMarketing/Contributor “Neijoful” jodi@obscuresportsmag.com

Jess KubisContributor “Kubjesee” rubixkube17@gmail.com

Andrea SpiegelbergEditor/Contributor “Spianspi” andrea@obscuresportsmag.com

Kristine SzatmaryContributor “Szakrkei” kris@obscuresportsmag.com

Jami TopolovichPhotographer/Contributor “Topjabas” jami@obscuresportsmag.com

Michael VottoContributor “Darth Vader” - weird how that turned out. mvotto@obscuresportsmag.com

Charlie TritschlerContributor“Trichpet”

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CONTRIBUTORS

implement [ im-pluh-muh-nt] noun

any art ic le used in some act iv i ty, esp. an instrument, tool , or utens i l

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1. Sky BallI know this markets to the kids, but whoa! Have we found a replacement for the Wiffle Ball? There are some resourceful people out there and I am sure someone will give this a shot for a league or something.

Got a funny clip? We want to see it! Send us the link at - ufr@obscuresportsmag.com

Upon

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ther

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..2. Real field of dReamSLittle Fenway Park in Vermont was built in 2001 and is used to raise money for charity. Take a peek at this great backyard and learn more about their annual wiffle ball tournament.

3. PoolJUmPeRS TRaileR Well, I am not sure where this fits on the obscure sports radar, but I guess why not. A fantastic parody to Lords of Dogtown about pool jumping back in the 80’s. Well done folks.

4. new URBan SPoRT I don’t know. Is it possible to get that 1:19 back of my life? I was kind of excited after reading “New Urban Sport”. It could catch on I guess. People watch American Idol so I guess anything is possible.

5. waRRioR daSHOur friends at the Attack of the Show! showcase the fairly new and very dirty race called Warrior Dash. This is a bit of foreshadowing because in our August issue, Andy takes this on for our Virgin Territory.

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No wrong answers here... just doing our part to help the helpless figure it out.

Do’s & Don’ts

Send us your pictures to dodont@obscuresportsmag.com and win a t-shirt if we use it.

WIN A

T-SHIrTDeTAIlS BelOW

News Alert! Sex change operations aren’t just for the rich Shelia and Tammy’s trapped in Steve and Tommy’s body anymore. Thanks to Discovery Channel documentaries, most people know that a majority of health care plans now cover the “Gender Bender.” Judging from your PBR bonnet (read budget), you don’t have to embarrass your teammates by wearing your sister’s souvenir from her ‘92 Panama City spring break. One other thing Crying Game. Let’s not get cantaloupes put in ok – get starter models first before you get back problems, stop working out, and look all out of sorts. You can’t throw men off the scent with 36DDs, untoned arms, a spare tire, hail damaged thighs, and calf implants……oh wait, nevermind.

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I quit k ickbal l a year ago. No, I wasn’t a s ixth grader moving on to junior h igh, leaving e lementary school recess behind. At the t ime, I was 30 years o ld and had been play ing adult k ickbal l recreat ional ly for four and a hal f years . I know what you’re th inking: she got o ld, she got hurt , she got marr ied, or she got pregnant. The answer is none of the above ( thank god) . Actual ly, I now play ro l ler derby, a sport that requires much more of my t ime and my body than k ickbal l ever d id. And whi le becoming a ro l ler g i r l and having less f ree t ime played a part in why I quit k ickbal l , i t wasn’t the main reason I left . I t was more l ike the excuse I needed to get out .

NOT SO SHINY DIAMONDThe Story Behind Quitting Kickball

by Jess Kubis

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I started play ing k ickbal l in the spr ing of 2005. My or ig inal team, The Crushinators , was captained by my best f r iend and her husband and made up of their s ib l ings and var ious longt ime fr iends. We frequent ly had “Fami ly Fun Nights” and decided to begin p lay ing k ickbal l to ensure that we would cont inue to hang out on a weekly bas is . Whi le I was at f i rst skept ica l about jo in ing an organized sport in my late 20s, i t soon became the h ighl ight of my week. K ickbal l combined a l l of my favor i te th ings: f r iends, f r iendly compet it ion, and dr ink ing adult beverages outs ide in n ice weather. A lso, i t often led to post-game tr ips to a local bar, where the fun would cont inue. The k ickbal l part of i t was str ict ly secondary, even though we played quite wel l and enjoyed winning our games. As the weeks passed that f i rst season, we grew to know several people on other teams, and were ta lked into moving from Minneapol is to St . Paul for the fa l l season.

At f i rst , the fun cont inued. Meet ing new people and gett ing to know a core of teams led to hanging out at the f ie lds for the ent i re evening. We’d gr i l l as a d iv is ion, rent kegs as a d iv is ion, dr ink boozy c ider to warm up dur ing chi l ly fa l l games, and even had adult sno-cone nights in the spr ing , complete with schnapps and other l ibat ions. I t was l ike a l l the best parts of camping , without having to camp. Fr iendly r iva lr ies grew across the seasons between the teams, as we cont inued to p lay and get to know each other. Witty banter was exchanged out on the f ie ld , a l l in good fun. And then something shi f ted.

I ’ve tr ied to put my f inger on when exact ly i t happened, but I can’t . I th ink i t was

somewhere around my 3rd year. A l l I know is that the fun- lov ing , boozy atmosphere began to become overshadowed by

douchery. Fr iendly r iva lr ies became less than fr iendly, loud-mouthed bul l ies became more prevalent , and negat iv i ty began to run rampant. I t became more drama than a hospita l scene in a Telemundo soap opera. My team wasn’t immune to th is phenomenon either. We began yel l ing at each other over dropped bal ls in the

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outf ie ld and base-running mistakes. There was even a t ime or two where th ings became heated with our opponents and f ights were narrowly avoided. K ickbal l became about winning f i rst and fun second, which led to me dreading weekly games. Nothing takes the joy out of k ickbal l faster than adults with something to prove.

My or ig inal team disbanded because the captains had their f i rst chi ld and i t became harder to get everyone to commit to attend games regular ly ; I bel ieve th is was u l t imately for the best . Some of us cont inued to p lay on other teams, but we were no longer at odds with each other on the f ie ld week in and week out , which probably saved our long-term fr iendships. Of course, i t d id lead to the end of “Fami ly Fun Nights ,” but i t ’s harder to gather a group of people and dr ink beer when chi ldren are in the p icture. I p layed for two other teams dur ing the last year and a hal f of my k ickbal l career that were made up of people who I had met through k ickbal l : f i rst with the Cleveland Steamers and my f inal season with the Ar l ington T igers . We had a lot of great t imes together and because of some of those teammates I began to make the p i lgr image to Mi lwaukee for the End of Season tournament every fa l l . I wi l l be eternal ly grateful for th is decis ion, because I met a great number of people there who I now consider c lose fr iends. I may have lost about f ive years off my l i fespan due to l iver damage, but for awhi le , my fa i th in the joy of k ickbal l was renewed.

Mi lwaukee seemed to have cont inued

the camarader ie between teams that we had lost and in fact , taken i t to a whole d i fferent level never real ly exper ienced in Minnesota. The teams hung out together at the f ie lds , they hung out together at the bars , and the soc ia l aspect seemed to take precedence over win-at-a l l -costs compet it ion. There were teams that had theme nights , p lay ing in fu l l costume, teams with lush buckets , teams that d id I r i sh car bombs ON the f ie ld, and teams that p layed weekly games of quarters at the bar after games. I wanted to recapture that magic back home that I fe l t whenever I p layed k ickbal l in Mi lwaukee. Of course, p lay ing one weekend, two or three t imes a year in a d i fferent c i ty, compared to p lay ing week in and week out for s ix months in my home div is ion is a vast ly d i fferent exper ience. The more I came to know people in Mi lwaukee, the more I came to learn that they were fac ing many of the same issues we were. Teams being created sole ly to win led to other teams leaving who didn’t want to deal with p lay ing against loudmouth asshats , mocking them for los ing a sport they had s igned up to p lay s imply to have fun with each other and meet new people. I t ’s one th ing to lose soundly to a team of good-natured people; i t ’s far another to lose to a team who yel ls at you, and each other, making you feel l ike you’re being bul l ied on the p layground.

I ’ve spoken to other people who quit k ickbal l about why they left and I f ind that there isn’t just one reason. Marr iage, chi ldren, jobs, responsib i l i t ies , d i fferent interests , l iver damage – answers vary. We’ve a l l come to a point in our l ives when what we are current ly doing is at odds with l iv ing l ike the grown-up we need to be. We can no longer c lose down the bars on weeknights or eschew our errands and chores to p lay k ickbal l three n ights a week. Di fferent interests crop up, as do d i fferent pr ior i t ies . A l l the people I interv iewed, however, stated that before leaving they had

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become concerned about the movement towards a more compet it ive team base, which was pushing out many of the fun-based teams and everything k ickbal l had or ig inal ly stood for. Some k ickbal l leagues have now set as ide speci f ic d iv is ions for less compet it ive p lay, which I hope wi l l so lve the problems that contr ibute to many teams quitt ing. But , I worry that in some cases i t ’s too late and there won’t be enough interest to cont inue the league in the future because so many people and teams have a lready been pushed away.

Most of the other people I spoke to who quit k ickbal l went on to p lay another sport , whether i t be hur l ing , vol leybal l , softbal l , or in my case, ro l ler derby. I obvious ly d idn’t leave k ickbal l because I hated compet it ion and neither d id they. A l l of us found other sports with a level of compet it ion we f ind acceptable and i t d i ffers widely. Some of us are h ighly compet it ive, whi le others are just involved to get a l i tt le athlet ic act iv i ty and meet new people. We a l l st i l l make sure to dr ink a beer or two afterwards, though, keeping the k ickbal l sp ir i t a l ive and wel l .

I ’ l l never regret the four and a hal f years I spent p lay ing k ickbal l , despite the negat iv i ty that began to prevai l . The fr iendships I developed or strengthened and the memories I have because of i t are pr ice less to me. A lot of my “good ol ’ days” stor ies center around the exper iences I had and the people I met through k ickbal l . Jo in ing a lso opened my eyes to the fact that I do l ike p lay ing organized sports , and introduced me to the people who would u l t imately get me to try out for the North Star Rol ler Gir ls . And i t ’s great to know that down the road, i f I wish to recapture a b i t of immatur i ty and abuse my l iver with copious amounts of a lcohol , the b ig red bal l wi l l be wait ing for me. But douchebags beware: I ’ve got one hel l of a ro l ler g i r l h ip-check and am not afra id to use i t .

Quest ionnaire

why did you start p laying k ickbal l? matty : F in ishing undergrad and fr iend of a f r iend needed to f i l l a team. Barb : Brother- in- law formed a team and needed g ir ls .

what did you l ike about playing? matty : The people I got to spend t ime with. Unquest ionably the most crazy, over-the-top, r isk-tak ing , bad-judgment-having per iod of my l i fe , and every b i t of i t was because of the fr iends I made.

were you ever in jured playing? matty : Do hangovers count? Barb : Bes ides a few scrapes/bruises , nothing ser ious.

why did you quit? matty : I met the woman who is now my wife. As we s lowly sett led down (me perhaps a l i tt le more s lowly) , the l i fe I had enjoyed as part of the league became less important . We a lso moved further away from the f ie lds . Barb : I t got too compet it ive and not fun to be involved.

St i l l hang out with people you played with? matty : Absolutely. One was the best man in my wedding and I was the same for h is . We met p lay ing k ickbal l . Barb : I st i l l see most of the ones that I care about.

would you ever return to playing? matty : Probably not . I ’d consider subbing every once in a great whi le , but no more than that . Barb : No.

Sum up your k ickbal l experience in a few words! matty : T ime of my l i fe . Barb : Adult fun.

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I volunteered to p lay k ickbal l for V irg in Terr i tory with about as much enthusiasm as most people offer to help a f r iend move – secret ly hoping I wouldn’t be needed but wi l l ing to show up and get the job done i f i t came down to i t . As soon as I put the idea on the table I immediately wished I could take i t back and suggest a d i fferent sport – preferably one that I could dr ink heavi ly before and blame any athlet ic missteps on an intense pre-game ra l ly, or “teambui ld ing exerc ise” as I prefer to ca l l sa id ra l l ies .

Don’t get me wrong , i t ’s not that I ’m not athlet ic . I ’m tra in ing for a spr int tr iathlon next month and am k ick ing my own ass to prepare for the race. I love a good spin c lass and can sun sa lutate with the best of them, but when i t comes to sports with no personal f in ish l ine and a whole team of Type A personal i t ies I need to apologize to i f I screw up. . . i t ’s just not my th ing. I prefer to be focused on a f in ish l ine and in “go” mode. Many of my fr iends p lay k ickbal l and real ly enjoy the l i festy le. Some have even asked me to p lay in the past , but after reading publ ic Facebook apologies for not p lay ing wel l and hear ing post-game cr i t ica l analys is of each player ’s performance over a p i tcher of beer, I ’ve been able to decl ine quicker than you can say, I ’m pretty happy with my current se l f-esteem level so I ’m going to go ahead and pass on that .

But now I was committed and couldn’t take i t back. No, I had just s igned up for something I swore I ’d never do…

On the day th is game of k ickbal l was set to go down, I met Dan at the OSM off ice. As we walked to the f ie ld , I mental ly prepared mysel f to jo in the Assass ins of Sobr iety. Regardless of whether I was ready or not , i t was game t ime and I dec ided I might as wel l just have fun. Dan introduced me to the team captain, Zach, who offered a warm welcome and pointed out the other members of my new team. I was expect ing a s i lent

Territory

by Jodi neitzel Photographs by Danie l B . Glass

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and determined warm-up, maybe an intense stare down with the other team from across the f ie ld and then a group huddle where i t was re inforced that winning is everything and i f we didn’t we a l l sucked at l i fe . As I surveyed my surroundings, I was happy to see everyone casual ly chatt ing as they made their way to where they were supposed to be. Maybe th is wouldn’t be so bad after a l l .

The other team took the f ie ld f i rst and I stood there awkwardly wait ing for someone to te l l me what to do. When i t was f inal ly my turn to k ick I walked up to the p late l ike I owned i t , hoping to not look l ike a complete id iot . The red bal l ro l led toward me and I took a few steps forward to meet i t . Of course i t took a last minute hop and made a weak attempt at contact with my shin. Lame. But I shook i t off. The other Assass ins offered some words of encouragement and I was not about to let them down. The next p i tch made i ts way toward me and I took i t , determined to redeem mysel f. To be honest , I don’t even know where i t went. I was focused on gett ing to f i rst base and not lett ing anything or anyone get in my way. On the next p lay I was out at second, but the inning ended on a

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high note for me. I managed not to fa l l on my face and that ’s success enough for me.

The f i rst t ime the Assass ins took the f ie ld , I p layed r ight center. Not much act ion. Not that I ’m complain ing. The next inning I sh i f ted to r ight and prayed the bal l never came my way. I t d idn’t and that was just f ine by me. My fear was that the other team would know I d idn’t real ly p lay k ickbal l and would try to k ick to the weakest l ink. But that wasn’t the case so in my mind, I f igured I ’d just hang out in r ight f ie ld and the game would be over in no t ime. Wrong. The next t ime the Assass ins were out in the f ie ld Zach looked at me and pointed to short stop. By that point I was actual ly start ing to have fun and up to the chal lenge. My team bantered back

and forth and I was ready to contr ibute some sarcasm. Behind me in left center was Fernando, who k indly ca l led every bal l as mine regardless of what d irect ion i t was going. And after each play I assured my team that i f they had real ly needed me to carry them, I would’ve had i t .

The game moved quick ly. I was happy to just b lend in and not real ly have to contr ibute to any p lays . After p lay ing outf ie ld and shortstop, I took an inning at catcher and I st i l l don’t real ly know what I was supposed to do. Fortunately, i t ended quick ly and I was able to return to the safety of the dugout without any mishaps at home plate. Going in , I was most nervous about k ick ing. As a new player, I th ink that ’s the most vulnerable spot you can be in . Everyone is watching , wait ing for you to prove what you can do… I had no idea what I could do. I thought I would have an enterta in ing story to share about how I fe l l or completely missed the bal l and everyone pointed and laughed at me, but unfortunately I don’t . I ’m not going Al l -State anyt ime soon, but I can make contact and that ’s good enough for me.

As we took the f ie ld one last t ime, Zach threw me the bal l and gave a quick rundown of the ru les of the p i tcher ’s mound. The f i rst k icker approached the p late and I ro l led that bal l as i f I ’d done i t a mi l l ion t imes before. L ike i t was my job, in fact . I fe l t comfortable on the p itcher ’s mound and was start ing to feel l ike part of the team. The next k icker put the bal l in the a ir and i t arched back down to Earth d irect ly between me and Zach at f i rst base. We both made a move for i t and without even th inking , I shouted out “ I got i t !”

Truth is , I had no idea i f I had i t . What the hel l was I th inking? The bal l co l l ided into my cradled arms and just as quick ly bobbled out . I was not about to let that happen. No way, th is was MY play. I reached for the bal l , pul led i t in c lose, turned to my team

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and announced that ’s how i t ’s done! . . . And of course asked Fernando where he was on that one. A few more uneventful p lays later the Assass ins of Sobr iety c la imed v ictory 8-0.

As we exchanged good-game hand s laps with our opponents and walked off the f ie ld , I thanked everyone for lett ing me play. And I t ru ly meant i t . In just one hour my perspect ive of k ickbal l completely changed and I began to understand why my fr iends enjoy their t ime on the f ie ld so much. They asked i f I ’d consider becoming a fu l l - t ime Assass in and surpr is ingly, my immediate response wasn’t “no way in hel l .” I f I hadn’t just accepted a job two hours away, I would’ve happi ly returned the fo l lowing Thursday to r isk complete humi l iat ion once again. As i t turns out , that ’s part of the fun!

I thought p lay ing k ickbal l would be an hour sacr i f ice for the sake of th is art ic le . I f igured I ’d wr i te about how the pressure to be an Al l -Star e l iminated any poss ib i l i ty of fun and predicted I ’d leave the game feel ing worse about mysel f than I had arr ived. The draft of th is art ic le I had written in my head before even play ing is much di fferent than what you’re reading now. Who knows, maybe I ’ l l even jo in a team in my new c i ty.

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shutterfold photos by Jami Topolovich

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When I was in second grade, my friends and I were fairly resourceful. Our school had monkey bars and basketball hoops, but it also had the most confounding asphalt art. Random colored boxes within a track-line white border, with a lone three-feet of red railroad. God knows what Timothy Leary was on when he was commissioned to design that little masterpiece, but the inventive streak in the young spun an apparent acid-flashback into a playground game. It was tag, and it was witch-doctor, but we just called it “Railroad.”

Kids running carefully within the lines to avoid “the one,” and only finding solace to catch their fleeting breath on that little stretch of rail-line. Creating rules and loopholes as recesses dragged on, by the end of that particular week, it had taken the whole school by storm. Everyone wanted to play Railroad - which is when I thought it turned too “mainstream” and opted to ironically play tetherball while extolling the virtues of Sonic Youth. I was pretty cool for someone wearing L.A. Gear shoes. It must’ve been the power of unknowingly standing on deadly mercury all day.

Despite our pitch-perfect local game, it never really took off beyond Dixon Elementary. There were no

When Games Col l ide :The Four Spor t Hybr ids of the Apoca lypseby Michael Votto

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Railroad leagues popping up across the country, and ESPN2 isn’t showing matches at two in the morning (but they are showing sailing - that sounds about as fun as drinking Flavor Aid in Guyana circa-1978). Most sports played today are mostly rooted in the 1800’s, with exceptions like golf, which probably was born by drunken accident in a Scotland meadow. What can I say: the Scottish know how to make a whiskey stupor and some rabbit holes into an internationally-renowned sport.

One of the most popular modern sports, basketball, is also one of the newer sports to gain traction and that was invented by the good Dr. Naismith almost 120 years ago. Yeah, I know - stock car racing came around in the 1920’s, but when running moonshine is the catalyst for the creation of a competition, one has to be skeptical about labeling that endeavor a “sport.” With all that being said, we’ve gone nearly a century without having a solid invented sport sweep the nation. Hell, people are still trying to make soccer happen here in the United States.

If Hollywood can’t think up ideas for movies on their own, then we need to borrow their horrible philosophy and start revamping our stale sports. Not by making the cast more attractive and the gore more plentiful - though these are all good ideas - but instead by combining our favorite pastimes. I’m talking about hybrid sports.

Hockey and football (Footey, Deathball, Most Illegal Sport in the World)

Imagine, if you will, playing football consistently on a frozen tundra. I mean, we’re talking thick ice in a bowl stadium. Outside linebacker Elvis Dumervil launching off the line towards some Southern California-raised quarterback at the speed of Alexander Ovechkin. Rolling to the plexiglass sidelines, he just releases the ball as the freight train hits, laying pretty boy into the boards, skates flying upwards as the protective siding gives way into the crowd. The pigskin finds Andre Johnson, just as he does a double salchow over goalie Ryan Miller to find the endzone. A well-choreographed Ice Capades routine follows soon after.

Same rules as America’s true favorite sport but with the addition of skates and a whole lot of momentum. It would be equal parts slapstick comedy (no pun intended) and traumatizing injuries. Obviously, the high-impact nature of football isn’t something you want to combine with sharp skates and the all-or-nothing brutality of hockey, but doesn’t that scene just make you wish we lived in a dystopian wasteland where this would constitute entertainment?

Polo and Stock Car Racing (Carlo, Car Jockeying, Now American Stock Car Auto Racing Is Cool)

One moment I’m saying driving around making left turns isn’t a sport, the next I’m combining it with polo. The joys of being in charge! Anyway, everyone knows that most of the viewing public only watches stock car racing for the horrible car crashes. Don’t tell me that watching cars pass each other and stay in well-formed lines gets you excited - I don’t believe you. But I would start watching if there was a goal in mind, and these racing teams like Penske and Hendrick would compete head-on. Clear the infield at Daytona and let polo run free - only substituting horses for horsepower (cringe, I know, it hurt to type it too).

You’ll have Kurt Busch burning down the slippery grass in his Dodge while Sam Hornish, Jr. hangs out the passenger side window with an oversized mallet. As they work towards the ball, Jimmie Johnson’s Chevy crashes into the driver’s side of the Miller Lite car, making Hornish lose his beat on the prize. Jeff Gordon will emerge and start wailing on Busch’s wheels before Kyle rears back and strongly pushes the Lowe’s car into the wall, sending Jeff Gordon flying into the protective fence, saved only by his polo helmet.

Now that’s a Sunday afternoon I can get behind.

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Dodgeball and Rollerskating (Rollerdodge, Skateball, My Bone Is Suppose To Be Inside My Arm, Right?)

Watching a person getting hit in the head with a dodgeball is funny. Watching a person getting hit in the head with a dodgeball while on roller-skates must make your brain explode in laughter. Think back to when roller rinks were the cat’s pajamas - how many people did you see biff it during red-light/green-light in a given night? How many couples collectively fell to the hardwood while “Come Sail Away” by Styx softly built to its chorus? It was like a tamer Faces of Death, and all I could do is sit, watch, and shove nachos inside my gaping maw.

Adding roller-skates to dodgeball would be easy, but you would likely have to up the need for protective gear. Helmets would be a must, but the most necessary component would have to be elbow pads. One well placed ball at the kneecaps and those skates would be sent towards the heavens, leaving the skater no choice but to brace for their return to earth with their delicate joints. The potential for injury in this hybrid is beyond great, but its potential for spectator amusement will always outweigh its dangers.

Chess and Mixed Martial Arts (XTREME Chess, Ultimate Fighting Chess, Nerds With Muscles)

Who am I kidding? They already have this - it’s called Chess Boxing. And guess what? It’s dominated by Eastern Europeans and Russians. Surprise, surprise. The late Bobby Fischer better be glad they didn’t have this format back in 1972, because I think Boris Spassky could’ve taken him by technical knockout.

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Master DebatersVuvuzela vs. Air Horn

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Umm, what are you doing?

Blowing on my Vuvuzela! The official noisemaker of the 2010 World Cup. What’s that in your hand?

BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ow! Why must you do these things?

Oh, sorry - that’s just my air horn. A staple of hockey matches across the country.

Wow, that’s adorable, and super annoying. There’s nothing worse than being in front of someone pressing that horn.

Did you know that the Vuvuzela can produce 127 decibels of sound. That’s physically painful for the human body.

Yeah, but have you tried constantly blowing this thing? You would have to be Louis Armstrong to take this thing from temporary nuisance into aggravating territory.

Well, the beauty of the air horn is that it is only to be used in short spurts - simply holding it down will bankrupt it in a matter of seconds.

An air horn might be good for scaring spectators, but can it turn the tide of a hockey game? The racket created by thousands of these Vuvuzelas can prevent soccer teams from communicating.

The Vuvuzela might be okay for the World Cup, but it will soon be banned by every sport. Try smuggling one of those into a US arena.

Alright, we have a winner from last month. Apparently, people like playing with the rubber dodgeballs better than the foam ones. Who knew? Well, I did actually. I guess part of playing dodgeball is the fear factor of getting hit with the ball and feeling the sting. Something you just don’t get with the foam.

Master Debaters message board

Speculation. Also, mine can double as a team-centric beer bong. Take that.

Yeah, well, the air horn can signal an SOS if you are on a boat. It literally can save your life.

That’s pretty hard to debate, bro.

22

photo tagWin some OBSCURE SPORTS MAGAZINE

swag - take a crack at writing a caption

for the monthly picture and we’ll send

you a free t-shirt if we pick yours.

Send your submissions to:

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L A s t M o n t h ’ s W i n n e R ! - B e t h A n Y V. f rom Colorado “let the t ick le f ight commence in, 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .”

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w i n a t-s h i R t

24

C ustomInk’s s logan is - “ You Think I t . . . We Ink I t ,” And they l ive up to their s logan. Whi le create-your-own tee websites are a d ime a dozen, CustomInk stands above the rest . This web-based bus iness has been around for 10 years , and provides qual i ty merchandise, at an affordable pr ice, whi le st i l l offer ing a wide var iety of products . The next t ime you are fac ing down an opponent, take a look at their jerseys – chances are they got them from CustomInk.

Whi le we could rave on about a l l the reasons why we love th is s i te and their products , we’ l l t ry to boi l i t down to a few main points .

S imple- des igning your own logo is easy and very user-fr iendly, even for the most inexper ienced. I f you have your own logo, the software to upload is very s imple- no add-ons needed. Once uploaded you can increase the s ize, change the color, and compare how your logo looks on di fferent merchandise- you name i t . Not very creat ive? CustomInk even has a whole bunch of cool stock logos, ready to make your own.

Var iety - The s i te offers a wide var iety of products and pr ices in s izes for men, women and k ids . Whi le most people th ink of t-shirts and jerseys when they hear screen-pr int ing , you can pretty much get your logo emblazoned on anything , f rom; hats , wr ist bands, koozies , water bott les , sweatpants and even bus iness att i re. Each i tem has a pr ice indicator $ , $$, $$$. $$$$, to g ive you an idea of how much you’ l l be spending.

Super ior customer serv ice- This i s where the s i te real ly sh ines. Once you des ign your logo and place your order, you’re sent a mock-up of your des ign, as wel l as the detai ls of your order to proof. Then an actual person ca l ls to conf i rm and make any suggest ions to your des ign. In my exper ience, CustomInk has been very accommodat ing with last-minute order changes. For one order, some fe l low teammates and I dec ided to g i f t another member of our team with a jersey with a very … creat ive n ickname. Not only was the customer serv ice representat ive accommodat ing , they even laughed at the n ickname. In another instance, a suggest ion by a CustomInk employee actual ly saved me money! The s i te has a 99% sat isfact ion rate and publ ishes a l l of their rev iews.

Affordable- CustomInk has a myr iad of pr ice ranges suitable for thr i f ty teams and those

by Andrea Spiegelberg

25

with cash to spare. The s i te a lso wi l l reduce the cost of each i tem by 50 cents i f you put their logo on i t , and wi l l l i st suggest ions of the most affordable opt ions. Shipping is a lso free i f you e lect to receive i t with in 14 days!

Qual i ty- unl ike many onl ine custom s i tes , the qual i ty of CustomInk’s i tems is cons istent . No blurry logos or off colors . Many s i tes use d ig i ta l pr int ing , but th is company uses screen pr int ing for orders of 6 i tems or more. This means that your logo wi l l look the same on a l l of your i tems. Embroidery is a lso avai lable. They a lso package each order in p last ic and then box i t – in case of ra in upon del ivery. CustomInk a lso offers a money-back guarantee i f your order i s f lawed, d i fferent than what you picked, or i s received later than the promised del ivery date.

Of course, no one is perfect . CustomInk does have i ts drawbacks. The main one being the cost of adding names and numbers. Names are $4.50 and numbers are $2.50 for each i tem, meaning that customizat ion can be as cost ly as the i tem i tse l f. The s i te does a l low you to create some i tems with only a number, name only, and both within the same order, thus g iv ing you a b i t of wiggle room. At t imes certa in merchandize is not in stock, but i s l i sted as avai lable on their s i te . S iz ing can be inconsistent with the s ize charts . Addit ional ly, order ing a smal ler number of i tems, anything within the 6-10 i tem range can be quite cost ly.

However, due to their var iety, cons istency and qual i ty, OSM gives CustomInk our seal of approval . Your team is sure to be best-dressed on the f ie ld , court or anywhere obscure sports happen.

Translat ions for “Bal l”

1. Žoga (s lovenian) I t f lat-out sounds cooler than “bal l”. P lus i t ’s st i l l s imple and to

the point , unless you want to p lay footbal l , which requires a žoga za amerišk i nogomet.

2. L iathróid ( i r ish) Growing up, I was constant ly scolded by my mother for throwing bal ls in the house. I don’t want to imagine what she would have done i f she caught me play ing with a l iathróid near her china cabinet .

3. takululu (Chamicuro: an aborig inal language in what is now Peru) Best Trans lat ion Ever! We could solve America’s obes ity problem i f we ca l led bal ls takululus . I mean, how could anyone res ist part ic ipat ing in anything involv ing a takululu?

Joe Beno’s Top 3

26

WIFFleB A l lFROM BACKYARD TO PLAYING FIELD

by Char l ie Tr i tschler

A pparent ly, without knowing i t , I p layed wiff le bal l with my best f r iend throughout my chi ldhood We played at h is house where we set up areas for s ingles , doubles , t r ip les , and home runs, p lay ing out a fu l l n ine- inning game. The games usual ly got pretty intense and led to a couple of f ights because Mike’s (aforementioned fr iend) basebal l sk i l l s were two t imes better than mine. Therefore, I would get my ass k icked a lot . The only d i fference between our vers ion and wiff le bal l , i s we played with a tennis bal l and a mini -souvenir bat that we got for f ree at a basebal l game. Years after I hung up my bat , wiff le bal l has transformed from a run-of-the-mi l l backyard game that k ids p lay in l ieu of actual basebal l , t o something much, much more. People have s t a r t e d wiff le bal l leagues with their own creat ive, m o d i f i e d ru les , specia l ized equipment and more.

The adult game is p layed with a standard wiff le bal l , which is very l ight , making i t very d i ff icu lt for the batter to get good contact . According to Wiff le .org , the bal l curves very eas i ly and l ike in basebal l , a p i tcher can throw a curvebal l , s l ider, a n d ‘stra ight ’ (a fastbal l in basebal l terms) . I did a quick YouTube search to see these p itches in

27

act ion and found out a few things: 1 . i f I batted four t imes, I ’d maybe get a hold of one pitch. 2 . There are some true superstars in th is game who can do th ings with a wiff le bal l that nobody would ever expect . (Google J im Bal ian, the 2009 Ult imate Wiff ler) 3 . The pitchers of the sport have f igured out how to create d i fferent p i tches such as; a s inker, screwbal l , and a r iser which is where the bal l begins low in the zone and then comes up near shoulder level .

There are two di fferent types of wiff le bal l – one that requires only 2 people and the o t h e r with a fu l l team, which i s a lot c loser to

basebal l . The f i rst vers ion is meant for a

one-on-one contest in an a l ley, backyard, or park. The f ie ld

should be at least 20 by 60 feet with the p layers agreeing to areas that are

home runs, t r ip les , doubles , and s ingles . The only way outs are made are to str ike out , f ly out , or ground out whi le the bal l i s in mot ion. Whi le easy to p lay, the expansion of 2 person wiff le bal l i s l imited and the fu l l , team vers ion is the vers ion that has gained the most popular i ty. .

League wiff le i s p layed with f ive p layers on each team: a catcher, p i tcher, double area, t r ip le area and homer area. The p layers have to choose their areas and st ick with those spots the ent i re game because where you play matters in terms of the batt ing order. The game is p layed on a regular softbal l/basebal l d iamond,

when avai lable. In more la id-back leagues, the str ike zone is a lawn chair. Any p itch that h i ts the back or seat of the chair i s a str ike; p i tches h i tt ing the arms or any other part of the lawn chair are bal ls . Batters a r e al lowed 5 bal ls

and can choose i f they want to take a walk or not .

A standard 3 str ikes are a l lowed, with unl imited foul t ips . Any caught

foul bal l i s cons idered an out .

Base running ru les are s imi lar to basebal l , with a few except ions. A runner h i t with the bal l , whi le not on a base is cons idered out , inc luding batted bal ls and bal ls thrown by f ie lders . A lso, they enforce something ca l led “pitchers hand,” where i f the p i tcher has secured the bal l before the runner reaches f i rst base, the runner is out .

For example, whi le p lay ing a game and I lead-off with a s ingle , my at-bat stays at f i rst no matter what (cannot steal , get p icked off, etc . ) I f there are only 3 p layers and the bases are loaded, a ghost-runner is a l lowed, with the person that batted f i rst a l lowed to bat again. P layers don’t have the abi l i ty to advance extra bases, removing the e lement speed from the game. Essent ia l ly, th is makes the game much fa irer and a l lows for anyone, no matter their shape or abi l i ty, the chance to p lay.

Leagues, l ike the Mi lwaukee Wiff le League (MWL), have a la id-back approach about the game of wiff le bal l , whi le others are a

Facebook group of the month: MOONSHOT BATS

28

l i tt le more ser ious. Whi le MWL has re laxed and compet it ive leagues, i t ’s the type where I could grab a beer beforehand at a tavern, go p lay, and then afterwards dr ink heavi ly with my team. The goal seems to be fun f i rst and foremost . Their website states “MWL expects a l l p layers to respect the other p layers that have paid to p lay in th is league. The league does NOT a l low unpsportsmanl ike behavior dur ing games. A l l these offenses are grounds for d ismissa l , without pr ior warnings … by the league commiss ioner.” With th is one steadfast ru le , MWL seems to have set themselves apart f rom some of the softbal l leagues, where one can attempt to re l ive their h igh school days as i f they were Uncle R ico from Napoleon Dynamite.

The Golden St ick Wiff le Bal l League (anyone else chuckle at Golden St ick?) i s a far more intense vers ion of wiff le bal l . This i s eas i ly seen, as their tag l ine is “A Backyard Game Taken Way Too Far.” GSWL admits that th is i s wiff le bal l on steroids , ( rumors of test ing next summer, I k id!) and the pass ion is at a boi l ing point . Golden St ick i s headquartered in New England, but there are leagues a l l over the East Coast , ranging pr imar i ly f rom Boston, Phi ladelphia, Vermont, New York, Sacramento, CA and St . Louis , MO (the lone west and Midwest representat ives) . Tournaments are held throughout these leagues, pr imar i ly in New England, and the best p layers f rom each region meet in Las Vegas for the Golden St ick Nat ional Championship. Yes , an a l l -expense paid tr ip to p lay wiff le bal l .

In addit ion, GSWL has an off ic ia l bat .

Moonshot Bats , which run over 100 dol lars just for a wiff le bat! Granted, th is i s no ordinary bat and you get f ree batt ing g loves with purchase, but th is i s an investment for only the most ser ious p layer. I doubt most people who play wiff le are breaking the p iggy bank for a le isure act iv i ty.

Whi le MWL and Golden St ick are downright polar opposites , these leagues h ighl ight how wiff le bal l i s def in i te ly a sport that could expand dramatica l ly throughout the United States , s imi lar to dodgebal l and k ickbal l . In my opinion, there is something for everybody, whether i t i s the p layer who wants to have a re lax ing n ight with fr iends, but with a dash of compet iveness , then a league l ike Mi lwaukee Wiff le would suit you wel l . On the other hand, for the p layer who wants an a l ternat ive from softbal l , k ickbal l or dodgebal l , whi le st i l l mainta in ing a h igh level of compet it iveness , then a league l ike GSWL is avai lable. Not to ment ion, i f you get enough people interested in p lay ing th is c lass ic game, creat ing your own wiff le league would take minimal t ime, effort and equipment, perfect for the sporty, but not-too-ambit ious adult . I f nothing e lse, there’s a lways the o ld standard of p lay ing wiff le in the backyard with some fr iends, having a few dr inks without the organizat ion hass le . Regardless of which path you choose- P lay (wiff le) bal l !

29

1/2 PAGE... by Michael Votto

Any game that fields thirty players with wooden sticks and helmets is okay in my book. Hurling is an ancient Gaelic sport (perhaps the world’s oldest field game) that has reached far beyond the enchanted fields of Ireland, cropping up in Europe and the Americas over the past four hundred years. Essentially like the Native American sport of lacrosse, hurling’s objective is to score as many goals as possible by using hurleys (wooden sticks) to push the sliotar (ball) between the goalposts or over the crossbar. Hurling is such an old sport that many argue that Scottish-made golf is just a slightly-altered version of the Irish game.

The sport of hurling might not be that prominent stateside, but over in Ireland, it is a normal pastime. Thousands of spectators show up annually for the Hurling Championships in Ireland, which fields thirty-six teams during its duration. Hurling organizations have been striving to have it included as an official Olympic sport for years now, and the game does seem to fit the bill for what constitutes an international competitive endeavor - I mean, even lacrosse appeared in the 1940 games. Its American-made little brother, however, will probably not be gracing the arenas of London or Rio de Janeiro.

Wiffle Hurling is, basically, the game of hurling but with wiffle bats and balls. Created by artist Tom Russotti, the sport consists of two teams of around six players, attempting to score goals, with the use of their bats and a regulation softball-style wiffle ball, over the course of sixty minutes. Typically played on a soccer field, wiffle hurling borrows greatly from that sport as well, implementing “corner throws” and “free throws” for fouls and boundary violations. The game even has contingency plans for ties, with the first being sudden death then followed by penalty shootouts.

Wiffle Hurling might not remain a such an odd sport for long. With mentions in the New York Times and Obscure Sports Magazine, you might soon be seeing wiffle hurling leagues popping up in your hometown. And if you live in Chicago, New York, or California, just look around: there are leagues waiting for new hurlers to join the fold.

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women Seeking men

Desperately wanting short, uncoordinated male for companionship on the sidelines. Yeah, I suck at dodging balls too. #83493 BBW searching for someone to help during Beer Olympics. The name is T. Rex, and try to keep up. #9762

Need a date for company summer picnic. Events include kickball and bocce. Must be able to kick and catch playground ball. Free beer, food, and activities. No bermuda shorts or offensive t-shirts allowed. #68093

men Seeking women

Two males in quest for that special girl to be their Double Play star on the kickball diamond. #62717

I have long luscious locks and a nearly endless supply of ironic t-shirts. You know you want me on your team, baby. #85903

women Seeking women

Sick of playing Beirut with men. Hate being called “beer wench”. Call me if you would like to work out feminist angst. #83462

Buxom lady looking for fellow sexspot to navigate “Matilda the Hun” in the annual Transcontinental Road Race. Last guy didn’t work out.

men Seeking men

Shy male seeks experienced mini-golfer to show him the ropes. Beating the windmill hole is like trying to keep dogs in a bathtub. #73820 Veteran player needs a steady frisbee thrower. Lets Jam some Kans together!. #21129

Group Play

Local Harry Potter fanatic wants to start Quidditch league with like-minded adults. Let’s get magical! (Ed. - this is the fifteenth time this guy has posted, please someone be his friend) #73820

Enterprising young male scouring the world for several people to explain the rules of Wiffle Hurling - I need your help desperately. #52824

Tired of my team captain. Know there are better ones out there. Please help me cut the cord with my team and recruit me to join your fun and likable team. #5667

Missed Connections

I showed you my barbwire tattoo around my arm and you told me it was stupid. When the bar closed you gave me a ride home and I must have left my wallet in your car. I never got your name or phone number. I hope to find you. I had to cancel my credit cards because there was an expensive bill from Dairy Queen. #73820

ClassifiedGet out of my dreams and into my 1983 Honda Civic. $150 or best offer. #95782

For sale, Moon Bat. I can’t hit a homerun to save my life, so getting rid of it. Asking $50. #75930

Looking for someone witty and creative to join contributors team of monthly magazine. Must be dependable, interested, and eager to share ideas. Write a brief description of your interest in this magazine and include any special skills or relevant experience. Answer this month’s contributor question in your last sentence. Send to: dan@obscuresportsmag.com #73920

Looking for that special someone or want to leave us a message?

EMAIL US

email us with your ad idea: personals@obscuresportsmag.com

PERSONALS

FINAL WORD

31

Stages of In jury

Anger: WTF, Dude! Get out of the f*ck ing way! Don’t touch me!

Denia l : What was that? My bone is st ick ing out? I t ’s just a scratch. I ’ l l be f ine. I just need to f in ish th is game. Ser ious ly, I don’t feel a th ing! Let ’s get a dr ink.

Anger, Part 2: Holy motherf*cking sh*t , that hurts .

Bargain ing: OK … please te l l me i t ’s not broken or infected and I ’ l l promise to cut down on some of my post-game celebrat ions. Anything e lse, I can deal with.

Anger, Part 3: I ’m sorry … what d id you just say? I can’t p lay k ickbal l for HOW long? I ’ l l meet you at the bar.

Depress ion: I can’t do anything for mysel f. My team won without me anyway. What does i t matter? I ’m stuck here as a stupid cheer leader for the next four to s ix weeks. K i l l me now. Give me a dr ink.

Anger, Part 4: I can’t stand th is anymore! Stupid, fa i l ing body. That col l i s ion would’ve never happened i f that guy wasn’t such an ogre. He owes me a dr ink.

Acceptance: I t ’s a l r ight . I ’ l l be stronger when I return. I ’ l l rea l ly appreciate the abi l i ty to be able to engage in team sports again. I ’ve real ly gotten a chance to see how much my fami ly and fr iends care about me. At least I st i l l get to hang out with my team. Things wi l l be f ine.

Anger, Part 5: You want HOW much for a stupid arm s l ing and X-rays?! FML. Dr ink. NOW.

Depress ion, Part 2: (See Anger, Part 5)

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