NOTE TO TEACHERS - Teatro Sociale · NOTE TO TEACHERS This play was ... • A printed test...

Arcadia Productions

1

THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW

NOTE TO TEACHERS

This play was written for Italian school audiences and contains many concepts, characters and situations with which they will be familiar, all within a simple English language context. The following text is the complete play script, together with descriptions in italics of the physical action on the stage so the reader can follow the play with ease. Included are some notes and footnotes for teachers explaining certain aspects of the scenes.A separate booklet, the Teachers’ Handbook, is available for this play. It contains notes on the subjects and characters to help illuminate the text, a synopsis for quick preparation, and additional notes to give ideas for discussion.

Arcadia has prepared activities for the students for after the show:

A printed test containing a questionnaire, true/false and multiple •choice questions.

Visiting the site • www.ragazzi.info students can enroll, and then complete a timed and marked test (using Moodle technology, so it’s impossible to cheat!). These tests contain various types of questions like the printed test, but are more interactive, and have multimedia elements to make it more interesting. There are prizes every month for the students with the highest scores.

The Great Britain Show

2

CHARACTERS

Neil a television presenterTeacher a school teacherHenry a clever schoolboyBook a giant sized British History Book that walks and talksAnnouncer a television announcerCharlie ChaplinQueen Queen Elizabeth IIMario Rossi a “typical” Italian manJohn Bull a ”typical” British manWilliam William ShakespeareFreddie Freddie MercuryAngus Angus McDonald, a Scottish entertainerJimmy his brotherBritannia Dame Britannia, her rival, representing BritainItalia Dame Italia, a pantomime dame, representing Italy

ARCADIA PRODUCTIONS s.a.s.via Vespri Siciliani 16/4, 20146 Milano

02 4231459www.arcadia.info

THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW by Graham Spicer

© 2008 All rights reserved

Arcadia Productions

3

ACT ONEA giant television is showing publicity for “The Great Britain Show”. Patriotic music accompanies stereotype images of Britain: Union Jacks1, the Queen, Big Ben, Scottish dancing, English pubs etc. When it finishes the screen goes blank, and Neil Niceman, who has been sitting in a chair in the corner, speaks:

Neil That’s great. Thanks everyone. See you all in a couple of hours.

The rehearsals have finished. There is some noise as doors close and machines are switched off. The television studio is now empty: just a few studio lights, and a giant TV screen. Neil stands up and is surprised to see the audience.

Neil Oh hello! I didn’t think anyone was here. You’re early: the show doesn’t start for another two hours.

I’m Neil Niceman... but of course you know that. Everyone knows Neil Niceman! Like the Pink Panther! Mickey Mouse! (he looks at the audience curiously) You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?

(he remembers) Of course, you are the group from Italy! They said we had Italians in the audience today. Strange... I thought Italians were always late! By the way, the Pink Panther is la Pantera Rosa, Mickey Mouse is Topolino, and Neil Niceman... doesn’t translate into Italian! Well that’s not quite true: “Neil” doesn’t translate into Italian, but I can translate “Niceman”: “nice” - simpatico, “man” - uomo:... but you can call me Neil!

Neil Niceman isn’t my real name... I expect that you guessed that. It’s my professional name. I’m a television presenter. Quite famous actually. Everyone knows my name, but they don’t know my real name. My real name is Neil Goodman. It’s the same thing I suppose: “good” man; “nice” man. But “Neil Niceman” sounds better.

Well we’ve still got 1 hour and 55 minutes to go before the programme starts so let me show you around. This is our televisionstudio:anemptyspace.Wecanfillthisspacewithwhatever we want… With light!

The studio is instantly filled with light.

1 Union Jack - the flag of the United Kingdom


4

With sound and music - all sorts of music!

We hear a mix of television theme tunes.

Andwithscenery,imagesandfilm!

The opening sequence of Neil’s TV series “The Great Britain Show” appears on the giant TV screen. When it finishes there is silence.

But more than all these things we need people. People in front of the camera: presenters, guests, and actors. People behind the camera: directors, writers, and cameramen. And then there are the people who watch our programmes: the people at home watching their televisions, and you, the audience in the studio

You’re not just here to watch, you have to participate: with applause, laughter... and most of all you must use your imagination. A drama, a song, or a dance - a story of any sort - is nothing without imagination. Let me show you what I mean.

Now I’m a famous television presenter, I’m blahblahblah years old, and I’m successful… I am Neil Niceman! Well, it wasn’t always like that. Once I was a schoolboy, I was fourteen years old, and I was a failure… I was Neil Goodman!

I hope your imaginations are ready, because until the programme starts I want to show you some of my story. The story of when I was growing up. But you’ll have to help me: imagine that I am a school boy; imagine that I’m in school; imagine that I’m sitting in my classroom answering questions by my school teacher.

He transforms into his younger self: Neil Goodman, an English schoolboy, and the scene changes to a school classroom.

THE CLASSROOM

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

This school scene uses a trick theatre bench which has a leg missing which means when the “good” schoolboy, Henry, stands, Neil falls to the ground. It contains

three questions that will be answered during the television programme.

Teacher Good morning everybody.

Arcadia Productions

5

Boys Good morning sir.Teacher I hope you are all here.

The Teacher reads the register and after each name the boy says “Here Sir!” and sits down.

Barry Allcock, Henry Bright, Christopher Callow, George Dents, John English, and Neil Goodman.

Neil Here Sir.Teacher Good. I hope you’ve been preparing for the examination

tomorrow. I expect all of you to pass, even you Neil.Neil Yes, Sir.Teacher And what must you do to pass examinations?Boys Work hard.Teacher What must you do to be a success?Boys Work hard.Teacher And what don’t you do Neil?Neil Work hard sir?Teacher Exactly. You don’t work hard do you Neil?Neil Well I do try to…Teacher You don’t work hard enough do you Neil?Neil No sir.Teacher Good.Thecorrectanswer.ThefirstandlastIexpect!Now,a

few questions to get you ready for the exam. Are you ready? (they nod)Right,firstquestion…

Henry stands with his hand in the air even before the question is finished. Neil stands too and talks to the audience.

Neil Oh no! Here come the questions. I hardly ever get any right, and Henry Bright — that’s the clever-looking one who sits next to me in class — always gets all the answers right, which makes me feel even more stupid. Let’s see how I do in the test.

Teacher …andthefirstquestionisforHenry:“WhatisthenameofBritain’s Queen?”

Henry stands with hand in the air. The trick theatre bench lets Neil fall to the ground.

Yes Henry?

Henry goes to the blackboard card and writes ‘ELIZABETH’.


6

Good Henry. The name of Britain’s Queen is Elizabeth.

Henry returns to sit on the bench.

Now the next question is for Neil: “In which country can you hear the sound of bagpipes?”

Neil stands, but can’t remember the answers, so he sits again.

Oh, dear. Such an easy question too. Does anyone else know the answer?

Henry stands and again Neil falls to the floor.

Yes Henry?

Henry writes ‘SCOTLAND’ on the blackboard. Neil quietly turns the bench around while Henry isn’t looking.

Good, very good. No problems there. You hear the sound of bagpipes in Scotland. Next question, Henry: “What is Shakespeare’sfirstname?”

Henry stands, and this time Neil doesn’t fall to the ground. Henry can’t remember the answer.

Well Henry? You can’t remember?

Henry shakes his head and sits, disappointed.

Well perhaps Neil can tell us the answer: “What is Shakespeare’sfirstname?”

Neil stands but miraculously Henry doesn’t fall to the ground. Neil sits down and stands again but Henry remains sitting.

Neil, I’m waiting for your answer. Do you know the answer or not?

Neil No, Sir.Teacher Well as neither of you can remember the answer, I’ll have to

tell you the answer is…

Henry stands and waves his hand in the air.

You’ve remembered Henry? Well done. What is the answer?

Henry crosses to the blackboard and writes ‘WILLIAM’. Neil follows him and looks amazed as Henry writes down the third correct answer.

Excellentanswer.Yes,WilliamisShakespeare’sfirstname.

Arcadia Productions

7

Henry happily walks back to the bench and sits on Neil’s side. Neil returns to sit, notices the switch, and uncomfortably sits down.

Andnowforthefinalquestion,eitherofyoumayanswer:“What is the name of England’s national drink?”

Henry leaps up, Neil crashes to the ground once again. Darkness.

The lights come up on the empty television studio.

Neil So how are your imaginations? Did you manage to believe thatIwasaschoolboy?Ok,Iknowit’sdifficult,butfromadistance I look… um… sixteen. (Neil looks at the audience) Eighteen? (pause)Allright,twenty-five!

Let’s get on with my story. The next day I had a test and I was worried that I wouldn’t get any of the answers right. But I wasn’t a stupid boy; in fact I was clever at many things, but in the classroom I couldn’t learn anything, however hard I tried.

So with my schoolbook, “British History”, which I had to study for my exam, I arrived home…

THE TELEVISION & THE BOOK

We are in Neil’s childhood home - the television is on and he flicks through the channels. There is nothing interesting so he turns it off and opens “British History”, his schoolbook…

Neil “Chapter 2. The Royal Family. Queen Elizabeth the Second is the head of the British Royal Family.” Well that’s obvious! “She is also head of the House of Windsor, the Church of England, and the Commonwealth2. As head of the Commonwealth she is not only the Queen of the Great Britain but also the Queen of Canada, Australia and many other smaller countries around the world…”

He shuts the book and puts it down.

It’s no good, I can’t learn all of this by tomorrow. This book is too thick, and too boring!

My parents say if I don’t pass my exams I’ll never get a good

2 Commonwealth - an association of self-governing autonomous states loosely associated in a common allegiance to the British crown.


8

job. My teacher says if I fail my exams I’ll have to repeat the year. But I know I’ll fail... I hardly get any answers right!

He switches on the TV again, and we see a television announcer.

Announcer BBCprogrammesthiseveningcontinuewiththefirstofanew series: “The Great Britain Show”: a look at Britain and its people.

NeilNicemanwilltakeusfromScotlandtoLondoninthisfirstepisode which includes an historic event: Queen Elizabeth’s firsteverinterview!3

The Announcer holds a book which looks the same as Neil’s schoolbook.

Thefirst100peopletosendansmstothenumber4242will win the new BBC book “British History” signed by Neil Niceman.

Neil That’s my book!

He looks around but his book has disappeared.

Announcer But now it’s time to sit back and let Neil Niceman take us on a journey around Great Britain!

Neil How did my book get on television?Announcer (speaking to Neil) Is this your book? Well you can have it. It

looks boring.

She throws the book off-screen and a giant version of the book appears next to Neil.

Book Ow!Neil How did you do that?Announcer If it’s your book take it. I don’t like books anyway.

The Book makes a muffled noise, but we can’t hear the words.

Neil Are you all right?

More noises. Neil opens the book and we see a face in the pages which speaks.

Book (to the announcer) You can’t throw me around like that!Neil Are you hurt?Book (to Neil) And you can keep quiet. You said I’m thick and boring!Neil I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...

3 Queen Elizabeth II has never given an interview.

Arcadia Productions

9

Book You must respect books!

The Announcer disappears from the TV screen and appears “live” beside the book.

Announcer But you are boring.Neil (surprised and confused) How did you get here?Announcer Please be quiet, I’m talking to your book.Book I’m not boring, I’m useful.Announcer To pass exams maybe. But why do I need you? Books are for

school.Book No, books are for everywhere, always: on the beach, on a

train, on Sunday morning in bed. We books can be fun.Announcer You’re not fun. Book I’m a serious book: “British History”.Announcer History should be fun too. Neil You don’t even have any pictures.Book Pictures? What do you think I am Dylan Dog? Internet!

Playstation! Television! Always pictures, pictures, pictures... Don’t you kids have any imagination?

Neil But some pictures might help. I need help otherwise I’ll never pass my exam.

Book Don’t worry, if you don’t pass you exam you can work in television.

The Announcer and the Book walk off arguing.

Announcer Well that’s nice! So you think I’m stupid?Book Did you pass your exams?Announcer No. I have other talents.Book I bet you have!Announcer I can dance. Oh, and I can read too.Book Well that is a surprise...

Neil is left alone.

Neil Now what am I going to do? No book, and no television.

We hear the Announcer and the Book from offstage.

Both Oh Neil... use your imagination!


10

THE GREAT BRITAIN SHOW

We see the title sequence of “The Great Britain Show”. A voice over speaks with a lot of irony and humour (this is not serious!), and everything is illustrated with pictures and film clips.

Voice over Great Britain! Why is Britain great? When did it become great? Is it still

great?... Of course it is!!! Wheredoyougoifyouwanttoeatfishandchips?Britain!

Where can you buy things with pounds and pence? Britain! Where can you drive on the left-hand side of the road? Britain! Just three good reasons why Britain is still great!

In France, Germany, Italy and Spain you use your right-hand drive car to travel 3 kilometres to the shops, and buy a litre of milk,2kilosofapples,and10metresofstring,andyoucanpay for it all in euros. But in Great Britain you can use your left-hand drive car to travel 1.86 miles to the shops to buy 1.76 pintsofmilk,4.4poundsofapples,32.8feetofstring,andthen you can pay in sterling! What fun!

What is it? Why is it? Where is it? How is it? All your questions will be answered in “The Great Britain Show”!

And here’s your host... NEIL NICEMAN!Neil Hello! I’m Neil Niceman and this is “The Great Britain Show”.

Everything Neil says is illustrated on the giant television screen behind him.

During the next couple of hours our reporters will take us all over Britain. Our reality cameras will spy on the British people at home, at work and at play. We will see how they live and where they live. We shall discover what they eat, what they drink, and what they wear. So sit back, relax, and enjoy “The Great Britain Show”.

He walks to the audience, and speaks to them.

In the studio today we have some Italians. Ciao Italia! You’re with us today because this week we have two Italian

guests on the show. We’ll meet them later, because now it’s timetomeetourfirstguest.

Silent film music starts, and all the colours disappear.

Arcadia Productions

11

This man is truly multi-talented: an actor, a clown, a writer, a director and the composer of this music you can hear now.

He was born in London more than one hundred years ago, but we are delighted to have him on our show: ladies and gentlemen, a big applause for... Charlie Chaplin!

CHARLIE CHAPLIN

Chaplin, dressed in black and white, enters. Outside a cinema he sees a film poster and he falls in love with the beautiful actress on it. He enters the cinema, and sees her on the screen. She magically comes out of the screen and his dream to meet her comes true. The scene is underscored by silent film music, all written by Chaplin himself.

PUBLICITY

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

This scene uses alliteration, where the same sound appears at the beginning of two or more consecutive words. Sometimes there are many together making a tongue-twister. This technique is often used in publicity to make a phrase memorable.

We see a giant teapot and a large box of tea.

Neil Have you tried “Tasty Tea”, the tried and tested4 tea from Twinings? Tip two teaspoonfuls into the Twining’s traditional teapot

Neil puts two giant spoonfuls into the pot.

Top up the pot with hot water.

He pours a lots of (real!) water into the pot.

In just two ticks5 it’s time to taste the tea.

He pours brown coloured tear out of the pot into the giant cup. Then walks with the cup toward the audience.

WhowantstobethefirsttotryTwining’s“TastyTea”?Ah,Ithink I can see a tea tester.

4 tried and tested - provato e testato5 two ticks - un attimo


12

He points to the front rows of the audience. He finds a “victim”.

Do you want to taste the tea? No?! (he finds another victim) Perhaps you’d like to taste the tea. Oh, you don’t either?

After several “victims” have refused Neil trips, and “tea” flies out of the cup and over the audience.

Neil Niceman drinks Twining’s “Tasty Tea”: isn’t it time that you tried “Tasty Tea” too!

THE QUEEN ON TV

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

Part of the following scene makes use of a confusion, common in English, where two words sound the same but are spelt differently (homophones) and have different

meanings. Neil = the name of the presenter; kneel = to kneel down!

The scene changes to Buckingham Palace.

Neil Now it’s time to meet our next guest. Ladies and gentlemen, we are honoured to have with us tonight, the Queen of Great Britain, our very special guest, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second!

The Queen enters with a band playing “God Save The Queen”

Your Majesty, we are very grateful that you accepted our invitation to be on the programme tonight. (The Queen picks up a sword)

Queen Kneel.Neil Yes?Queen KNEEL!Neil YES?!Queen (shouting) Will you stop shouting! Kneel!Neil (shouting) Will you stop shouting! Your Majesty!Queen Now Mr Niceman, I don’t know where you were brought up,

but there are a couple of rules to obey in my presence. One is that when I say “kneel” you must kneel down.

Neil Oh. You mean “kneel” as in “kneel down”. I thought you were saying my name “Neil” as in “Neil Niceman”.

Arcadia Productions

13

Queen Mr Niceman please be quiet and kneel down.

Neil kneels down and the Queen knights6 him with the sword.

Arise Sir Neil.Neil Your Majesty, you are not here to knight me, you’re here to be

interviewed.Queen But I don’t give interviews. You’ve tricked me! GUARDS!

GUARDS! Throw him in the Tower7! Cut off his head, cut off his head!

She runs toward Neil waving the sword, but he jumps over it, ducks under it, and escapes and the Queen gets caught up in her long cloak.

Neil Don’t worry, giving interviews is easy. I ask questions and you answer them.

Queen Is that all?Neil Yes.Queen All right Mr Niceman. Let’s try. First question.

As they sit the National Anthem starts. The Queen indicates that Neil should stand. He doesn’t understand. She stamps on his foot and he leaps up.

Neil Ow! What did you do that for?Queen It’s another little rule Mr Niceman. When you hear the National

Anthem you must stand up.Neil What?Queen It really is very simple: when I say “kneel” you must kneel

down, and when you hear the National Anthem you must stand up.

Neil Can I sit down now?Queen Oh yes! Let’s start the interview. How exciting!Neil Let’s talk about your family...Queen Certainly not. No.Neil But Your Majesty, why not?Queen Because it’s a little embarrassing.Neil Oh, you mean Camilla, and Fergie, and…

6 to knight - creare cavaliere7 the Tower - the Tower of London, where two of Henry VIII’s six wives were

decapitated.


14

Queen Shhhhhhhh! Change the subject immediately Mr Niceman!Neil Well, let’s talk about your husband?Queen No.Neil Your children?Queen Certainly not.Neil Your grandchildren?Queen Never.Neil Then tell us about all your money...Queen NEIL!!!

He kneels immediately. The Queen turns round and doesn’t see him down on the floor.

Where are you?Neil Down here.Queen (she looks down at him) Why?Neil You said “kneel”Queen I didn’t mean that! Stand up immediately.Neil I can’t.Queen Why ever not?Neil They’re not playing the National Anthem.Queen Oh really!

She sings the National Anthem and Neil stands.

Now Neil... (she holds his arm to stop him from kneeling) Now Mr Niceman, please stop jumping up and down and listen to me: I am not going to answer silly questions about my family or my money.

Neil But Your Majesty, what can we talk about?Queen My dogs.Neil Your dogs?!

Her dogs start barking offstage.

Queen Ah listen, they’ve heard you calling. Coming my pets…

She arrives with two Corgi dogs on a lead.

Neil You can’t bring dogs into the studio.Queen Of course I can. I’m the Queen. I can do whatever I like! Now I

must go, it’s pee-pee time.

Arcadia Productions

15

Neil (whispering) The bathroom is at the end of the corridor.Queen (she slaps his face) Not for me, silly, for the dogs.

One of the dogs cocks his leg against Neil’s trousers, and we hear a trickling sound.

Oh dear, too late! Mr Niceman, you’ve kept me talking for too long, I must go.

The dogs pull her offstage, and as she exits the National Anthem is played.

Neil But Your Majesty, you haven’t even answered one question.

Neil collapses into a chair. The Queen re-enters behind him.

Queen NEIL!! (he kneels immediately) No, no no! Will you please stand up when they’re playing the National Anthem (he stands) That’s better. (she exits)

Neil (talking to the audience) What a disaster! That’s the last interview I do for this programme! (he tears up his list of questions) Let’s continue... (he reads) next on “The Great Britain Show” it’s time to meet one of today’s most popular actors, Leonardo DiCaprio… (he tears up the page) No, I’m sorry, I said no more interviews!

Neil carries on to tear up pages reading out names of some of the most famous personalities that the audience knows (actors, singers, dancers, models etc). He looks at the next page:

Ah, this is better, some culture. (reads) Britain and Italy - a long way apart, or close together?

I’m not talking about kilometres or miles, but culture and customs. For all the British in the audience your representative is Mr John Bull; and for all the Italians, signor Mario Rossi!

BRITAIN and ITALY - John Bull and Mario Rossi

The Italian man, Mario Rossi, enters wearing clothes the colours of the Italian flag.

Voice-over This is Mario Rossi.Mario Buongiorno.Voice-over He is a typical Italian man.Mario Sono un tipico uomo italiano.

As the Voice-over speaks we see lots of illustrations on the giant screen.


16

Voice-over The typical Italian man is 1.77 metres tall and weighs 78 kilos. He has brown hair and brown eyes, and will live to be 78 years old.8

The British man, John Bull, enters wearing clothes the colours of the British flag.

Voice-over This is John Bull.John Hello.Voice-over He is a typical British man.John I am a typical British man.Voice-over ThetypicalBritishmanisalso1.77metrestallandweighs80

kilos. He has light coloured hair and light coloured eyes, and will live to be 76 years old.

Mario Rossi and John Bull stand together, and the Voice-over talks about one, then the other. There are now less facts, and more stereotypes!

The typical Italian man drives a Ferrari. The typical British man drives a Rolls Royce.

The typical Italian man wears clothes by Giorgio Armani. The typical British man wears clothes by Vivienne Westwood.

Most Italian men go shopping at Bulgari. Most British men go shopping at Harrod’s.

Italian men love to read Dante’s “The Divine Comedy” at least once a year. British men read the Complete Works of Shakespeare at least sixteen times during a lifetime.

The Italian man’s favourite music is by Giuseppe Verdi, his favourite pictures are by Leonardo da Vinci, and his favourite filmsarebyVittorioDeSica.

The British man’s favourite music is by Henry Purcell, his favourite pictures are by John Constable, and his favourite filmsarebyAlfredHitchcock.

The following information is false or exaggerated - each man trying to out-do the other. Everything they say is illustrated on the television screen. John Bull tells the audience:

John Ladies and gentlemen, the description of the typical Italian man is incorrect: the typical Italian man drives a pink FIAT Panda, wears clothes made by his mother, and shops at Lidl.

Mario Ladies and gentlemen, the description of the typical British

8 These facts are real, taken from the CIA World Factbook and ISTAT.

Arcadia Productions

17

man is also incorrect: the typical British man doesn’t have a car! He wears brown jackets with red ties and black shoes (we see an image of Mr Bean); and his wife does his shopping!

They get more agitated.

John The typical Italian man only reads sms messages.Mario The typical British man can’t read.John His favourite music is “Il ballo del qua qua”.Mario His favourite music is the Teletubbies Song.John His favourite pictures are in the Gazzetta dello sport!Mario His favourite pictures are in his cell phone!John HisfavouritefilmsarebyChristian De Sica!Mario HisfavouritefilmsareonYouTube!

The men start insulting each other, talking loudly.

John The typical Italian man uses his hands when he speaks because he can’t remember the words!

Mario Rossi encourages the audience to boo.

Mario (talking loudly) The typical British man eats horrible food because he has no taste9! (the audience cheers)

John The Italians all shout! (boos)Mario The British are all ‘ooligans! (cheers)John (he doesn’t understand) OOligans?Mario (he emphasises the H sound, breathing in John’s face)

HHHooligans!John Italians smell!Mario The British10 are ugly!

They start fighting.

John Stop, we’re being stupid.Mario Yes, we’re being immature.John I’m sorry, I know that the Italians don’t smell. (he holds his

nose)

9 The phrase “he has no taste” can mean that he can’t taste his food, or he has no sense of style - the same as the Italian word “gusto”.

10 It is possible to say “Britons are ugly!”, but it’s not usual in everyday speech.


18

Mario And I know that the British aren’t ugly. (he covers his eyes)John “Vive La Différence!” (they shake hands)Mario What did you say?John Vive la différence. It’s French.Both Oh no! Not the FRENCH!Mario But we must have something in common...John Yes, there must be something...

ACT ONE FINALE

In the musical finale of Act One, the two men find that they do have something in common, football, and as the curtains close they score a goal.

Arcadia Productions

19

ACT TWO

NEIL’S NIGHTMARE

In the dark we hear Neil’s nightmare as a schoolboy, the voices are strange and distorted:.

Teacher What is the name of Britain’s Queen?Neil William.Teacher Wrong! What is the name of England’s national drink?Neil Whisky.Teacher Wrong!WhatisShakespeare’sfirstname?Neil Elizabeth.Teacher Wrong! Where can you hear the sound of bagpipes?Neil I don’t know, I don’t know…Teacher Wrong, wrong, wrong!

The voice gets louder and louder and the lights come on as Neil sits up in bed.

Neil Oh, I must have been dreaming. But it’s not just a dream, it’s what will happen tomorrow at school. I know I won’t get any questions right.

The television switches on.

Announcer Oh yes you will.Neil Oh no I won’t.Announcer You will if you stop being so negative.Neil But I’m not being… Who spoke?Announcer I did. Your television.Neil Oh, I must be dreaming again.Announcer No you’re not dreaming, but you should be. If you don’t sleep

you’ll be too tired to answer the questions tomorrow.Neil I’m going mad.

Neil changes the channel with the remote control, but we see the same presenter on another channel.


20

Announcer You won’t get rid of me that easily! (he changes the channel again) I’m still here, so stop changing channels and listen to me.

Neil What do you want?Announcer No, what do you want?Neil I want to pass my exam.Announcer Good. If you really want to, if you try as hard as you can, I

thinkyou’llpassyourexam.Butfirstyoumustgettosleep.Just relax, close your eyes, and sleep…

The bed disappears we hear the same voice announce the next item on the programme.

Welcome back to “The Great Britain Show”. We have our cameras at Wembley Stadium, so now some music from the great Freddie Mercury!

FREDDIE AND MR SHAKESPEARE

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

William Shakespeare invented about 1700 words and sayings that we still use today, (words like bedroom, lonely, generous, etc) but language evolves continually, and even he is completely confused by the “modern” words used by Freddie

Mercury.

Freddie Mercury11 is singing “We are the Champions”. William Shakespeare12 walks on stage with his hands over his ears. He trips over Freddie’s microphone cable plugged in to the wall. He pulls it out. The music stops suddenly.

William Ah! This must be yours. (he gives Freddie the plug) I found it over there.

Freddie You found it?William Yes. It was sticking out of the wall. Very dangerous! So I pulled

it out. (he realises that the music has stopped) Well, it looks as though that horrible music has stopped.

Freddie Horrible music?William A dreadful noise.

11 Freddie Mercury: 1946 - 199112 William Shakespeare: 1564 - 1616

Arcadia Productions

21

Freddie What are you, a music critic?William No, a playwright: William Shakespeare.Freddie Hi! (he shakes his hand) I’m Freddie Mercury, the rock

musician. (he does a dance movement and his fans scream)William What is a rock musician?Freddie You know: “rock and roll”? (William shakes his head) “Pop

music”? (he shakes his head again) That “dreadful noise”.William That was you? Oh I am sorry. How rude of me.Freddie Don’t worry about it Willy. My fans still love me. (he does some

moves again and his fans scream)William Freddie, I’m confused. Things have changed so much in four-

hundred years: the television, these electric lights, and this type of… er… “music”. Almost everything is different.

Freddie I suppose it must be.William Fashions have changed too. Your clothes are very strange.

Freddie is wearing 1980s tight white trousers and a black leather jacket.

Freddie Well so are yours!

William is wearing an Elizabethan tunic.

But this isn’t what I normally wear. I only wore it for this programme.

Freddie moves his hips again and the fans scream. William looks at the audience.

William Why do they make all that noise when you do that?Freddie Because it’s sexy! (more moves and more screams) Why don’t

you try?William I don’t think I can.Freddie Have a go!

William does the same movements as Freddie, but the audience boos; Freddie demonstrates again and the audience screams; William tries again and falls against the scenery. He is out of breath, and the audience laughs.

Freddie Perhaps you’d better stop. You might have a heart attack.William (exhausted) Why aren’t you out of breath?Freddie Well I go to the gym three times a week for a work-out.


22

William Work-out?Freddie Yeah, work-out (he demonstrates) You need to get with it.William Get with it?Freddie Yeah, get modern. Why don’t you come to a gig13 sometime? William Gig?Freddie Give me your email and I’ll send you the info.William Email?Freddie Your email. (William doesn’t understand) Ah, no internet? Then

I’ll send you an sms? (he still doesn’t understand) Don’t you have a mobile14? (William shakes his head) Then give me your home phone? (William is confused) No phone? How do you communicate? With a tom-tom?

William No, with paper and pen: I write letters.Freddie Letters? (now Freddie doesn’t understand) Like a fax?William Fax? Oh Freddie, I used to be so good with words, but I’m

sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about!

The fans get bored and start chanting “Freddie, Freddie!”

Freddie I think I’d better get on: my fans are waiting.William Of course, I’ve ruined your song. I’m so sorry. (he starts to

exit)Freddie Willy, plug this in for me will you!William Yes of course. Goodbye Freddie!

William plugs in the microphone and Freddie finishes his song to cheering from his fans.

Neil Thank you, Freddie Mercury! Now we return to the studio with our next guests who have come all the way from Scotland: the MacDonald Brothers!

13 gig - concerto14 mobile phone or cell phone

Arcadia Productions

23

THE MacDONALD BROTHERS

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

Different regions of Great Britain have different dialects, different vocabularies, and Wales even has a different language. Scotland has it’s own literature, music and traditions. The poem quoted here is perhaps the most famous Scottish poem,

which was written by Robbie Burns15.

Inside a Scottish castle. Jimmy MacDonald enters wearing a tartan kilt and playing Scottish music on the bagpipes16. He puts the bagpipes down and opens a book of poetry.

Jimmy Hello. I’m Jimmy MacDonald. I want to introduce you to Scottish culture, and I will start by reading a wee17 poem by Robbie Burns, the great Scottish poet. Then my brother Angus and I will dance a traditional Scottish jig18.

First, the poem: “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie Burns: (clears his throat and starts to recite)

“My love is like a red, red rose, That’s newly sprung in June. My love is like the melody That’s sweetly played in…”There is a loud sound of screeching bagpipes. Jimmy crosses to his bagpipes on the floor - he is puzzled.

I’m very sorry. I’ll start again. “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie Burns:

My love is like a red, red rose, That’s newly sprung in…There is another screech of bagpipes. Jimmy picks up his bagpipes and examines them.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for these rude interruptions. Once again, “A Red, Red Rose” by Robbie Burns:

Clears his throat, and as he opens his mouth to speak we hear someone crying.

15 Robert Burns: 1759 - 1796. National poet of Scotland who wrote lyrics and songs in the Scottish dialect.

16 bagpipes - cornamuse17 wee - Scottish word meaning small18 jig - giga


24

Who dares interrupt Scotland’s greatest poet?

Angus enters. His tie isn’t straight and his socks have fallen down.

Oh it’s you Angus. I should have guessed. Were you trying to play your bagpipes?

Angus (crying) No!Jimmy It sounded like bagpipes.Angus Noooooo!Jimmy If it wasn’t the bagpipes, what was it?

Angus fetches his cat.

Angus I trod on my cat.19

Jimmy looks puzzled, so Angus demonstrates by treading on his cat again and we hear the bagpipe noise.

Jimmy Angus how could you? (Jimmy realises that Angus has been drinking) Oh Angus, you’re not... (Angus holds an empty whisky bottle) Angus, you’ve been drinking again. I told you no morewhiskyuntilwe’dfinishedtheprogramme.

Angus Programme?Jimmy The television programme. You know we’re doing our Scottish

dance demonstration now.Angus Oh, I’d forgotten.Jimmy You’ve forgotten? (Angus whispers in Jimmy’s ear) You can’t?

You’re too drunk? Well I’m sorry Angus, you’ll have to, (he points to the television camera) all these people are waiting.

I would like to apologise once more for these interruptions, but now my brother Angus and I will dance for you a traditional Scottish jig. Music maestro please!

A SCOTTISH DANCE

During the traditional Scottish dance Angus wants to drink his whisky. Eventually Jimmy gives his brother a miniature bottle of whisky to keep him happy and Angus exits. Jimmy then finds a giant bottle which Angus has hidden and, after drinking it all, he finishes the dance.

Neil A big applause for the MacDonald brothers! Next on “The

19 There is an old joke that bagpipes sound like a cat in pain.

Arcadia Productions

25

Great Britain Show” we have two very special guests, from two very special countries: Dame Britannia from Britain, and Dame ItaliafromItaly...butfirstthepublicity.Don’tgoaway!

PUBLICITY BREAK

While the publicity is showing on the big screen, Angus MacDonald returns, searching for something.

Angus Where’s my whisky? (he finds his bottle – empty) It’s all gone! Jimmy has drunk it all. (he laughs) But I’ve got a secret bottle.

He finds his giant whisky bottle, but it has been emptied by Jimmy.

Ohno!He’sfinishedthisbottletoo!Hedoesn’twantmetodrink so that he can drink it all himself.

Well he’s not going to get away with it20: I’ve got a plan!

He gets out a large mousetrap.

This will teach him not to steal my whisky!

He opens the mousetrap, tests it and the trap closes viciously. He laughs. He opens it again and puts his miniature bottle of whisky where the cheese normally goes, and puts it on a chair.

Now I’ll go and hide, and wait to catch Jimmy red-handed21! (to the audience) Keep quiet! Shhh…

Angus hides, but instead of his brother Jimmy, Dame Britannia enters wearing a pantomime22 costume. She pours herself a cup of tea, but when she sees the whisky she puts the tea down and takes the bottle. The trap doesn’t work. Angus comes out of hiding.

Angus That’s my bottle.Britannia (she drinks all the whisky and gives him the empty bottle) Here

it is.Angus But it’s empty.Britannia Of course it’s empty, I’ve just emptied it. (she burps) Delicious!Angus Oh, it didn’t work.

20 to get away with - farla franca21 red-handed - con le mani nel sacco22 pantomime - originally based on the Italian commedia dell’arte, and later used to tell

fairy tales for all the family.


26

Britannia What didn’t work?Angus Oh, nothing. (he whistles innocently)Britannia (to the audience) What a strange little man! Now where’s my

tea? It’ll be getting cold.

Britannia takes the cup and goes to sit on the stool where the trap is. She is about to sit down when Angus stops her.

Angus Stop! You can’t sit down!Britannia Oh yes I can. (she starts to sit but Angus interrupts)Angus No you can’t. It’s… it’s… bad luck.Britannia Bad luck? How ridiculous! (she starts to sit again)Angus Yes, it’s bad luck to… er…

Angus has to think of something quickly to stop her sitting down.

...er ...sit down with an empty cup in your hand.Britannia But this is a full cup. (she is about to sit when Angus takes the

cup and drinks the tea)Angus Oh no it’s not.Britannia Really! That was my tea! (she fills the cup up again and is

about to sit when Angus shouts)Angus Look over there!Britannia Where?

Britannia looks where he is pointing, but remembers her cup and holds it tightly front of her. Angus fetches a long straw, places it over her shoulder into the cup, and drinks all the tea without Britannia seeing.

You silly man! There’s nothing there!

She is about to sit when she sees that her cup is empty again.

How strange! I’m sure it was full just now!

She goes to the teapot but Angus runs and gets there before her. He drinks all the tea directly from the teapot.

I’ve never known such rude behaviour! If you wanted some tea all you had to do was ask!

Angus starts hiccuping loudly.

There, that will teach you to drink in a hurry! (he hiccups again) Oh dear, you poor thing. (he is hiccupping violently) Come on, come with me.

Arcadia Productions

27

Britannia leads Angus to the chair and sits him down. There is a loud “snap” as the mousetrap closes. The hiccups stop immediately and Angus goes red with pain, but doesn’t make a sound.

Ah, have the hiccups stopped? (he nods, still in pain) Good, but remember to sip your tea in the future. (he nods) And enough of that nonsense about “bad luck”. (he nods) Now off you go, I’m going to sing for the television programme. (she pushes him off) Goodbye.

As she turns to face the audience we hear a loud scream offstage. The publicity on the screen is finishing.

Neil Welcome back to “The Great Britain Show”. Now let’s hear a big round of applause for Dame Britannia and Dame Italia!

DAME BRITANNIA AND DAME ITALIA

NOTE FOR TEACHERS

The pantomime Dame is an essential part of the traditional British pantomime, a theatre show for all the family, usually at Christmas-time. Characters such as the Ugly Sisters in Cinderella are played by men, with exaggerated costumes, and their scenes are always very funny, full of double meanings! Our two “Ugly Sisters”

are Dame Britannia and Dame Italia in a typical pantomime scene.

The scene is of Tower Bridge in London with storm clouds. Dame Britannia puts up her umbrella and sings “Singing in the Rain”. Before she has finished Dame Italia enters carrying a yellow parasol and singing “O Sole Mio”.

Britannia Excuse me! (Dame Italia stops singing) This is my song!Italia (she speaks with an Italian accent) I’m sorry, but the director

asked me to rescue the show. He said that the audience was getting depressed with all this rain.

Britannia And who are you?Italia Dame Italia of course! (we hear the first phrase of “Fratelli

d’Italia”)Britannia Yes, I should have guessed by your ridiculous accent.Italia And you are…?Britannia Dame Britannia. (we hear the first phrase of “Rule Britannia”)Italia Ah, that’s why there’s all this rain.Britannia …and this is my song! (she closes her umbrella and wields it


28

like a sword) So get off the stage, pizza-face.Italia Attenzione, brutta inglesona, (Italia closes her parasol) I’m an

excellent ombrellista!

They start a comic duel with the umbrella and parasol. The sleeve of Britannia’s costume is torn off.

Britannia Now look what you’ve done! You’ve ruined my dress!Italia A dress? Oh, in Britain you call that a dress do you? In Italy we

call this a schifezza.Britannia Well ok, you’ve ruined my “schifezza”!Italia (Italia tears off the other sleeve) There, that’s better.

Britannia is furious, and tears off a part of Italia’s dress.

Italia Maledizione! This is Dolce & Gabbana’s latest dress!Britannia (laughing) Don’t tell me it took two people to design that!Italia Shut up! Stefano and Domenico are two of my best friends.Britannia Impossible! Only your enemies would give you that to wear!Italia I’m their muse, their inspiration.Britannia Ah, that’s why it’s so ugly.Italia What did you say?!Britannia Ugly. (Britannia crosses to Italia and slaps her on alternating

cheeks as she spells:) U-G-L-Y, ugly!Italia Well your dress is more than ugly it’s… it’s… (she thinks of a

much longer word) bruttissima.Britannia What?Italia (she crosses to Britannia and slaps her on each cheek after

each letter) B-R-U-T-T-I-S-S-I-M-A, bruttissima!Britannia (Britannia is furious) What does that mean?Italia What does what mean?Britannia That word you just said.Italia Ah, you mean (slaps) B-R-U-T-….(Britannia runs away)Britannia Yes, yes, that’s the word. What does it mean?Italia (Italia opens a dictionary, and hands it to Britannia) Pagenine.Britannia Pa-jay-ni-nay? (she looks puzzled and then realizes that it is

Dame Italia’s Italian pronunciation) Oh, “page nine”, not “pa-jay-ni-nay”! Now where is it? (she reads) “Bruciata… bruffolo… brusca…” ah here it is, “Bruttissima…”

Arcadia Productions

29

She reads the definition, closes the book and shouts angrily at Italia.

How dare you!

Britannia rips another part of Italia’s dress and it falls apart leaving Italia in her underwear. Britannia laughs.

Italia (offended) Why are you laughing?Britannia You’re squeezed so tightly into that underwear that you look

like Sabrina Ferrilli... after she’s eaten ten bowls of spaghetti.Italia I borrowed this underwear from Paris Hilton.Britannia It thought you’d borrowed it from Maurizio Costanzo!Italia I am a top model.Britannia (she walks behind Italia and slaps her large bottom) Well,

you’re certainly not a bottom model.Italia Oh hah hah hah! I suppose you think you’re funny?Britannia As a matter of fact, I do! (she laughs)Italia Well I’ll show you something really funny! (she holds out her

mirror) Look here.

Britannia looks into the mirror, it cracks and glass falls to the floor. Italia starts to laugh.

Britannia (crying) I know I’m not attractive.Italia Don’t worry, I’ll teach you.Britannia (she stops crying) Teach me?Italia Of course, it’s easy. Watch…

DANCE OF THE TWO DAMES

Italia dances a “sexy” dance to the music of Mambo Italiano. Britannia, suddenly full of confidence, takes over and dances like a professional. At the end of the comic dance Britannia pushes Italia offstage and takes all the applause herself.

THE TELEVISION & THE BOOK

Book Brava! Brava! I rather enjoyed that.Announcer So you liked our television show?Book Yes I did. All that music and dancing was great fun. But I feel


30

like William Shakespeare...Announcer What do you mean?Book I used to be so good with words...Announcer Well you are a book.Book ...but I’m feeling a little out-of-date, rather old-fashioned.

Perhaps I need to be rewritten.Television A new edition? Oh, how exciting! Just think, a new design,

colourpicturesandaglamorouscover.PerhapsNeilwillfindyou more interesting.

Book Oh Neil! I’d forgotten all about him. And he’s got his exam tomorrow.

Television Now don’t worry about him. I think he’ll be all right.

THE CLASSROOM

Teacher What is the name of Britain’s Queen?Neil Elizabeth!Teacher Yes Neil, “Elizabeth” is the right answer. Which instrument do

you hear in Scotland?Neil Bagpipes!Teacher GoodNeil.Thenextquestion.What’sisShakespeare’sfirst

name?Neil William!Teacher ExcellentNeil.Andnowthefinalquestion.Whatisthenameof

England’s national drink?Neil Tea!Teacher Congratulations Neil. Full marks. Well done!

THE END

Neil (to the audience) I did it! I passed my test! I got all the answers right. My teacher was pleased with me, my parents were happy, and Henry looked angry because I got more answers right than he did.

I carried on with school for another few years. I wasn’t brilliant,

Arcadia Productions

31

but I worked hard, and I was ok. I also started to use my imagination. What did I want to do with my life? I dreamt about becoming... no, not a television presenter, I dreamt about becoming a school teacher.

Well I changed, and my dream changed, and then my name changed too: little Neil Goodman became Neil Niceman.

Music starts to play.

I’d better go and change. The show’s about to start. Wow, these last two hours have passed quickly. I hope you haven’t been too bored waiting. Well anyway, now it’s time to sit back, relax and enjoy “The Great Britain Show”!

On the giant TV we see the opening titles of the real show, and the all the characters that we, the audience, have already seen are presented. The last is the Book which is now full of colour pictures.


32

NOTE TO TEACHERS - Teatro Sociale · NOTE TO TEACHERS This play was ... • A printed test...

Documents

Transcript of NOTE TO TEACHERS - Teatro Sociale · NOTE TO TEACHERS This play was ... • A printed test...