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Nix That

Suzanne Johnson

Note: Nix Thatis an original short-short set in the world of the Sentinels of New

Orleans series, featuring wizard DJ Jaco, her partner (and maybe more) shapeshiftingenforcer Alex Warin, loup-garou enforcer Jake Warin, the undead 19th-century French

pirate Jean Lafitte, Cajun merman Rene Delachaise, and a cast of manyfew of them

actually human.

The work of a wizard sentinel is never done. Once, the job meant guarding the borders

between the modern world and the preternatural world known as the Beyond. SinceHurricane Katrina tore down the borders in 2005 and the pretes came streaming into New

Orleans, the job has changed.

Now, there are merman feuds to settle, undead pirates to please, elves to evade.

I settled behind my desk in the small, generic strip-mall space I call an office. My

rented space was sandwiched between a coffee shop and a Stein Mart in a strip mall onTchoupitoulas Street, so a chocolate latte or retail therapy was always near at hand.

I might need both. An early-morning call from my merman friend Rene

Delachaise had alerted me to an impending problem. A pod of nixes, water species aboutwhom I knew precisely nothing, had moved into the Pass a Loutre Wildlife Refuge near

Renes mer clan.

All the water species were territorial, and merfolk were among the worst. Renehadnt told me to get rid of the nixes, exactly. Hed ended his short call with a cryptic

they dont mainstream with humans very well, babe, even byNOrluns standards. I was

waiting for a 9 a.m. visit from the nix pod leader, Chilton, whod been convinced of the

need to meet me following a threat of violence from Rene.

Armed with my elven staff, Charlie, and a strong latte, I logged onto thewizarding Elders secure website to get the scoop on nixes. The words peculiar and

eccentric showed up multiple times on the first page. Not a good sign.A blowing horn sounded from the parking lot, and I looked out the office window,

hoping it had nothing to do with nixes. The reincarnation of the Addams Familys Cousin

It hoofed it across the pavement in my direction, oblivious to a bug-eyed womanwatching him from behind the wheel of a blue Toyota. Bare, hair-covered feet poked out

from the bottom of a silvery-green suit that looked suspiciously like scales. Each foot had

six toes.

Even as I prayed this wasnt Chilton-the-Nix, I knew better. For one thing, he wasfocused like a laser on my office door and, for another, he embodied peculiar and

eccentric.He brushed a waist-length sweep of hair behind his shoulder, exposing a face that

somehow managed to be both pinched and round. Outside my door, he rose to his fullheight of an optimistic five-three, and walked into the office. I couldnt decide ifhis hair

was silver or gold, or both. The long beard was mostly silver.

Good morning, wizard. Pale yellow-green eyes without lashes or lids regardedme from a solemn face. The Elders website had been generous. Chiltons ability to

mainstream was nonexistent. I just hoped the horn-blowing human whose car hed

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walked in front of hadnt called the police. Even New Orleans has its limits on weirdness.

Well, not really, but Chilton would be pushing it.

I nodded. Chilton. Mr., uh, Nix. How are your... I paused.Peoplewasntaccurate, and nixesseemed redundant. Podmates, I finally said. How are your

podmates adapting to Plaquemines Parish?

I must isolates my women, he said, sounding petulant. English wasnt Chiltonsnative tongue; his first language, I suspected, hadnt been heard by human ears for acouple of millennia. Maybe ever. I regrets my wife Arago has frinked a merman.

Mermens needs to leave, and I needs a new wife to replaces her.

According to my research, nixes were polygamists to the Nth degree. However,finding him a new wife was not in my job description. At least not this week.

Then again, frinking might be illegal. Exactly which merman did Arago frink? I

stalled for time while doing a surreptitious search forfrinkon the Elders website. I stared

at the illustrated entry in the Miriam Witchster Unabridged Dictionary of PreternaturalSpecies and Dialects. I turned my smartphone in different directions to see which end

was up, or down. Frinking involved reproductive organs, gills, and incredible flexibility.

Holy crap. Was Arago injured?Chilton slumped into the chair facing my desk; his feet didnt touch the floor. It

isnt matters. I doesnt wants her anymore. The mermans Rene said you could gets me a

new wife since Arago has frinks his cousin and I only has thirteen wives left.

Rene said that, did he? I was relieved my buddy hadnt done any frinkingatleast none I had to investigatebut hed pay for this setup.

I motioned Chilton into a chair facing my desk and tried to force patience into my

voice when I really wanted to pull out his abundant hair. Chilton, why do you needfourteen wives? Why not make do with thirteen? Or give Arago another chance?

Nothing against my own gender but that many wives is insane. That many

husbands would be insane. I wasnt sure I even wanted one, especially another wizard. Or

an elf. Definitely not an elf, but thats another story.The nix gave me a blank stare. I needs more wives so I can gets heirs, he said.

Nixes has problems making sons. I has twenty daughters. I needs son. He looked at me

with his strange, unblinking eyes, and a blue tear trailed down his cheek.Staring out the window with longing at the CCs Coffee sign, I poured myself a

cup of inadequate java from my cheap Walmart brewer as a stabbing pain began a

rhythmic throbbing in my right temple. Rene was going to buy me dinner. And a case ofibuprofen. Maybe a new car.

I took a deep breath. The Delachaise mer clan has been in Plaquemines a long

time, so Im afraid youre the one who will need to relocate. You should move back to

the Beyond.When I began talking, blue tears had begun trailing down his chubby, pinched

cheeks and into his beard. At the mention of the Beyond, the tears stopped and the eyes

narrowed. We has a right to lives here now. Wizards cannot tells us where to lives

anymore. Wizards needs to get us new wife and make mermens move.Jeez-Louise. I poured a third cup of coffee and hoped Renes shrimp trawler

sprang a leak. I was going to have to find someone to take me out on the water in

Plaquemines to oust this harem of nixes. Normally, Id ask Rene, but Chilton might thinkhe had an ulterior frinking motive.

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I rifled through the forms Id have to fill out in order to evict the hairy invaders.

Expense report for boat rental. Chain of command voucher for whoever I got to help me.

Summary of activities. Analysis of each nixs behaviorand how it did or didnt align withthat of humans.

The Elders might have been forced by Katrina to admit other species from the

Beyond into South Louisiana, but we were by God going to document their every movein triplicate.Miss Drusilla very pretty for wizard. She be much good wifes if hair down.

I barely avoided spewing coffee on my expense-reimbursement form and instead

collapsed into a fit of coughing. Thats very flattering, Chilton, I rasped, thankful Iddecided on a ponytail. But Im uh... Must be tactful. Mustnt be rude. Mustnt sayI

wouldnt touch yoursix-toed feet with a ten-foot rod-and-reel. Im already with

someone.

Not technically a lie. I had a date Friday night with my former partner Alex andplans for a Saturday matinee with the undead pirate Jean Lafitte. Who sounded like the

perfect person to navigate me to the Pod House.

Is you marrieds? Chiltons round eyes had taken on a determined set. He waslike a pit bull with the face of a Shih-Tzu.

Yes, I lied. I has two husbands. One turns into a dog and the others

technically dead. Wes all very happy.

He looked truly disappointed.A few hours later, Jean Lafitte maneuvered Renes fishing boat,Dieu de la Mer,

to the pier where Chilton waited, having decided to swim home in the river. Thirteen

clones of himself, except wearing scaly dresses instead of a scaly suit, sat beside him.Another hairy dress-wearer sat apart, weeping copious blue tears.

Rene is going to owe me big-time, I muttered to Jean.

Oui, Jolie. As you shall owe me. Jean lookedpleased at that idea. In fact, he

looked much more cheerful about my debt than about the hairy lump he pointed to on theadjoining pier.

Oh. My. God. It was either a dead nix or a sheepdog.

Jean quickly leapt off the deck, walked over, knelt beside it, and shook his head.Elle est morte.

I stared in horror, wondering what to do. I was supposed to be in charge. What a

joke. Need a potion or spell? Im your wizard. Dead nix? Not so much.I fought the urge to recycle all that coffee and forced my attention back to Chilton

and his companions. Blue tears stained their cheeks, but the isolated woman gaped at me,

terror in her pale chartreuse eyes. A rope bound her arms, and a rag had been stuffed in

her mouth.Dont touch anything, I told Jean as I climbed off the boat and approached the

nix. I did know that much. Chilton, what happened?

He stood and pointed at the frightened, bound nix. I finds Gila withAragos

body, he said, voice wavering. I not wants you to sends us to Beyond so I ties her up.You can has her. I tells her wizards eat nixes for dinners.

The terrified Gila turned out to be Chiltons second wife and supposed murderer

of the merman-frinking Arago. I pulled the rag from her mouth and regretted itimmediately.

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Her shrill voice put the cawing of the gulls to shame. She frinks mermens and

hurts Chilton! You not eats me! she screamed. I stuck my fingers in my ears, but it

didnt help. She frinks mermens! She turned the words into a hysterical chant, a mantraof denial in an octave that could shatter crystal.

Gila, hush. I touched her shoulder, which only sent her ranting an implausible

octave higher. Frustrated, I turned to Chilton. Cant you shut her up?He pointed at the rag Id pulled from her mouth and, God help me, I stuck it backin. I never claimed to be enlightened or noble and, besides, the gag worked.

I stared at Chilton and his harem, thinking. All of you come around here and

gather around Gila. At their murmured protest, I pulled out the staff. Murmuring ceased.Sweet.

Now,or Im gonna have a really, really big dinner, I said. They silently shuffled

to the end of the dock, gathering behind and around Gila.

What you doings, Wizard? Chilton asked, chartreuse eyes squinting insuspicion as I pulled a vial of salt from my jeans pocket and began sprinkling it in a circle

around them.

Its a ritual to bring you harmony with your podmates, I said, giving Jean awarning look as I closed the circle and knelt beside it. The pirate grinned and crossed his

arms over his chest.

I likes harmony. Chilton sat cross-legged on the weathered wood of the pier. I

feels harmonies already.Good, and it will only get better. I touched the tip of the elven staff to the circle

and muttered the address of Elder Central, located in Edinburgh. Ive heard Scotland has

lovely waterways.Chilton figured it out as he and his herd of wives began to disappear in my on-the-

fly, one-way transport. You nots a nice wizard! he shouted.

Damn straight. Ask for Adrian Hoffman when you get there; hell find you a

wife! I shouted in return. Then I formed a circle around the hair-covered lump that hadbeen poor, frinking Arago, and sent her after them.

You are a devious creature,Jolie, Jean said, jumping back aboard theDieu de

la Merand leaning over the to help me climb up. I find this admirable in a woman.Yeah, he would. Take us back toRenes while I explain to the Elders whats

arriving in their transport. Solving interspecies murder cases wasnt in my job

description, either.At least not this week.

Copyright 2013 Suzanne Johnson. May not be reprinted or shared without written

permission of the author.