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&NEWS NOTES

News&Notes - official newsletter of the Straight Spouse Network. We welcome original articles, relevant news items, upcoming events, personal stories, photos, poetry and art pertaining to the Straight Spouse Experience. This newsletter goes out to thousands of people worldwide. It is your chance to help educate the world about the realities and challenges of being a Straight Spouse.

All submissions will be considered, professionally edited and a final proof will be sent to you for your approval. The deadline for our July 2018 issue is May 15, 2018. Send submissions as pdfs or Word documents to Executive Director Stephanie Skylar, steph@straightspouse.org

VOlumE 3 • I SS u E 2 •APR I l 2018

From My Desk Stephanie Skylar, Executive Director ................... Page 2

Letters to the Editor .......................... Page 2

Triage Stats Statistics Review, Linda Ehle-Callens .................. Page 3

Turnings, Reflections on a Conscious Life Author Carol Grever discusses her new book and shares an excerpt. ...................................... Pages 4-5

Toronto Women’s March One marcher tells her story. ............................ Pages 6-7

Best Laid Schemes Straight Spouse Mike Thornton’s story ............. Page 8-9

IN THIS ISSUE

SprINg ForwardAs Spring brings new life, straight spouses have to believe that they, too, can create a new life for themselves. In nature, it takes time for seeds to sprout and new roots to take hold. Growth is patient. Growth needs nurturing. Whether they find themselves ‘newly single’ or decide to stay with their LGBTQ mates, all straight spouses have to create a new normal. Since 1987, the Straight Spouse Network has been here to nurture and help build the strength people need in creating new lives for themselves and their families.

Whether their partners are Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender, Cross Dressers, Gender Curious, we respect each spouse or significant other’s difficult personal decisions, no matter what those may be. From mixed orientation marriage to standing by their transgender spouse as they transition, to divorce, we are all-inclusive.

For many family and extended family members, work mates, and friends, the straight spouse experience is difficult to understand. The articles in this newsletter are a source of educational information and valuable insights for everyone affected by someone they know and love coming out.

We need to help everyone understand that advocating for LGBTQ rights will decrease the number of people becoming Straight Spouses in the future.

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Stephanie Skylar, Executive Director

There has been much activity behind the scenes at the Straight Spouse Network. One of the most important things in 2018 is the addition of seven new members to our Board of Directors. They are all energetic and engaged professionals who are willing to volunteer their time for our organization. The Board has formed focus teams to enhance: Professional Outreach, Marketing, Communications, Governance, Community Building, International Outreach and Philanthropy.

When I was prepping our new board members, I pulled out our mission statement, which is our guiding light. It was created to help us to focus our energies on important issues. In case you aren’t familiar with our mission statement, I am including below.

Our mission is alive and the positive energy at the Straight Spouse Network is palpable! If you want to join our team of volunteers, contact me at steph@straightspouse.org.

Thanks! Stephanie Skylar, Executive DirectorStraight Spouse Network, steph@straightspouse.org

Straight Spouse Network Mission Statement (BOD)

REachiNg Out - Expand visibility of and access to the resources of the Straight Spouse Network to help post disclosure/discovery straight spouses, couples and families • Make visible to the larger community the unique post disclosure/discovery experience of straight spouses, which occurs within all economic, social and racial groups.

hEaliNg - Provide resources that help post-disclosure/discovery straight spouses, couples or mixed-orientation or transgender/nontransgender couples lessen their pain, cope constructively, and regain confidence and strength to rebuild their lives.

BuilDiNg BRiDgES - Foster understanding between post-disclosure/discovery spouses and within families • Connect and work with professionals/organizations focused on changing anti-LGBTQ attitudes and actions that prevent LGBTQ persons from coming out.

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S P R ING 2018

Letters to the Editor

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F rom My DeskJanuary 2018 issue, to the editor:

“This e-newsletter keeps getting better with each issue! The news-letter serves many purposes, but for those of us coping as a straight spouse, it is most of all a source of empowerment. Every time I start to think, “my life is the punch line to a bad joke,” or “I am such an idiot for not having better ‘gaydar,’” I find out that peo-ple ALL OVER THE WORLD are coping with similar issues. So I shouldn’t feel too sorry for myself, as I am not alone. Keep up the good reminders. – from Anne in Wisconsin”

“Great job on the newsletter. Enjoyed the reflective articles. – BB”

Send letters to the editor to LindaE@straightspouse.org

NEWS&NoTES TEaMExecutive Director - Stephanie SkylarCreative/Editorial Director - Linda Ehle-CallensAssociate Editor - Janet McMonagleEditorial Support - Daphne Callen

CoNTRiBuToRSLinda Ehle-Callens • Stephanie M. SkylarCarol Grever • MarieElaine Walker • Mike ThorntonMary R. Ehle, Floral Photography

WWW.STRaighTSpouSE.oRgP.O. BOx 4985 • CHICAGO IL 60680

The Straight Spouse Network is a 501(c) (3) organization. Copyright © 2018 • Straight Spouse Network, All rights reserved

Disclaimer: Articles in News&Notes represent the views of the writers, not necessarily those of the Straight Spouse Network.The Straight Spouse Network provides peer-to-peer support moderated by knowledgeable facilitators. We do not provide professional psychological services.

STAT E OF THE NETWORK

In January 2018 our numbers were average; 144 requests for support were recorded. They came from 3 Canadian Provinces, 10 foreign countries, 2 in the UK and 36 US states. Then in February a our website was compromised several times and our numbers went down considerably. Thanks to our Technical and Executive Directors, we now have the security we need to be certain this will not happen again. But it was unfortunate that perhaps some people may not have been able to get the help they were looking for.

In March our numbers were back up to a high average with worldwide interest holding strong. Non-identifying statistics within requests for support are charted for monthly reports. During the past 12 months, an average of over 80% of the requests for support came from women. But within the balance of men, the pleas for help are just as urgent as the ones from women. If you’d like to see full reports, go to http://www.straightspouse.org/straight-spouse-network-dashboard/

Being a group leader comes with a lot of responsibilities. Even people with ‘text book’ scenarios find their situations far from easy to reconcile. Then there are those faced with situations that take careful consideration. In March we had two requests from people who needed support because they had asexual spouses, an emerging area of concern. In the coming months, we need to make sure we provide our volunteers with more information about that sexual trait. We had two women who had waited for years to reach out for help after their relationships with their gay husbands had ended. They finally realized they couldn’t to do it alone and it is never too late to look for help. Sometimes we are faced with the threat of suicide from distraught straight spouses or their LGBTQ spouses who want to end their own lives. We provide our volunteers with specific guidelines and our Triage Team usually takes a hands-on role to aid them in these very serious situations. And at all times, the privacy and safety of straight spouses and facilitators has to be seriously considered.

– Linda Ehle-Callens, Facilitator Liaison, Web/Data Manager

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STATS TrIagE

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uSha Ma Usha, a native to India, has experience in accounting, credit systems and grant writing. She is involved in political and community activities in Minnesota. Her goal is to help straight spouses in India, understanding the need for specialized family and cultural considerations there.

SEth BlackMaN Seth moderates our online forum with Sam Cheney and is in the Detroit face-to-face group. He has an MBA in Finance and works at General Motors. His interest is strategic planning and using his video skills to create straight spouse testimonials.

tiffaNy ButlER Tiffany is a group facilitator in Oregon. Her career has been marketing communications. She is now in a graduate program in counseling. Her goal is to work with straight spouses professionally, and she wants to help broaden worldwide awareness to our issues.

caNDicE flESzaR Candice is a contact for LGBTQ persons looking for help for their straight spouse. She remains in a MOM. Her profession is marketing communications. She plans to to help us broaden our exposure in the general public.

JONEttE lucia Jonette facilitates a face-to-face group in the Minneapolis-St. Paul area. She has been a foundation board member, executive director and has an MBA with an emphasis in nonprofits and marketing. She is working locally to engage professionals in mental health services and elsewhere to have a fuller understanding of the straight spouse experience.

MaRilyN PRatt Marilyn is a contact for people who have no local support and is on our online and phone triage team. She is a professional in community management for a large software company and a semi-retired Doctors Without Borders community manager.

BEtty WaitE Board treasurer Betty was a founding Straight Spouse Network board member in 2001. She is a CPA and specializes in non-profits, and active in community work. She is a support contact for Cincinnati.

Full bios - http://www.straightspouse.org/who-we-are/board-of-directors/

The STraighT SpouSe NeTwork welcomeS Seven new Board MeMBerS

The Straight Spouse Network podCaST! Check it out at:

http://www.straightspouse.org/voices-the-straight-spouse-network-podcast/

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Carol Grever had been married for over 30 years when her husband came out as gay. She was 50 and had two adult sons. After she divorced, Carol used her painful experience to help others and created a new life and a new career.

Today Carol is a successful author, businesswoman, professor and community advocate. She is a group facilitator for the Straight Spouse Network, a recognized spokesperson on straight spouse issues, and has appeared on major network TV shows, including Anderson Cooper 360, The Early Show, Good Morning America, and The Oprah Winfrey Show.

“For the past twenty years, I’ve been writing about straight spouse recovery. Originally, I wrote to help me understand and heal my own wounds by documenting the experiences of others in mixed-orientation marriages. My body of work reveals pivotal crises and recovery stories of dozens of other people in this situation. My own history as a straight spouse mirrors theirs, though I habitually avoided disclosing much personal information.

At last, it felt appropriate to explore my own turning points in greater detail, previously only suggested in my poetry.

I titled this more personal book “Turnings,” because each chapter focuses on a pivotal event that turned my life in a different direction. It offers brief glimpses of experiences that replay repeatedly in my reverie. These memories are my significant pebbles, still lying on the bottom of life’s stream. Finally, I can reach through time and retrieve them, wet and gleaming in the sunshine of peaceful aging. May the insights of each be useful.”

Here is an excerpt from Carol’s new, award-winningmemoir, Turnings: Reflections on a Conscious Life. – Carol Grever

Ever greenOn a bright autumn Sunday, I felt restless and confined indoors, so I shut down the computer, pulled on my jeans and hiking boots, and headed for the mountains. My favorite nearby hike is the Anne U. White trail north of Boulder. It was breezy and sixty degrees there. The light was pure clarity—that special, tentative, delicious sunlight that reaches your soul on a cloudless October day in Colorado. Four Mile Creek was dry that day, so I hopped like a cat over the rocks, as the trail crossed and re-crossed the creek bed.

Without analyzing it, I searched for a sign, some special message from nature. The voice of the Ultimate Mystery moves with the wind through these pine-tops. That wind was the only sound in the deep silence of the canyon. I reveled in the sunshine warming my back, feeling peaceful as I hiked alone. Pausing at the base of a low cliff, I imagined a lone cougar, perhaps lurking

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Turnings Reflections on a Conscious Life

By Carol Grever

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Turnings Continued

among rocks, watching me from his high perch. I looked, but no cat appeared.

Scrambling around a bend, I found my metaphor. Down in a draw, leaning over the creek bed, a piñon pine had bent down to the ground. Heavy snows in the bitter winter had nearly broken its back, but not quite! Bent, not broken, its needle fingertips touched the earth on the opposite bank. It must have bowed in this attitude of devotion for many months.

The miracle is that the tree didn’t die. Though the trunk was scarred at the bend-point, the roots didn’t die. Instead, limbs on the sun-side of the recumbent trunk had begun to grow, reaching up for the light. One leader branch emerged in last summer’s warmth, startling in its beauty and strength. It was like a new tree—fresh!—re-birthed from the sound, healthy roots of its old life. It was a wonder that mirrored my own regeneration. With renewed energy, I climbed on to the top of the hill, then sang on the trail back down.

That day, I was surprised by joy. It welled up from the same earth that nurtured a fresh start in the tree—new today but grounded in the old. That moment, I felt young again, strong and buoyant and free. Bent, not broken. Alone, not lonely. Ever green.

The memorable image of the bowed tree is just one example of awareness emerging through nature. Unforeseen insights lie cloaked in ordinary experience. Who knows what epiphany may arise while canoeing, gardening, or hiking a mountain trail? Who can guess what new perception waits in tropical waters? An insight can even hide in a pile of raked leaves. Such “aha! moments” are best expressed in poetry, for poems distill meaning, like unexpected glints of light shining out from dark places. Writing down these flashes unlocks conscious awareness of untapped wisdom.u

aUTUMN LIgHT

Cleaning four-o’clock beds is a rite. Summer’s end, nod to autumn. Crackling dry leaves fall together with etched, maze like designs each unique in its scarred demise. There is a brilliance in fall light. Ideas come whole like the last sweet raspberry plucked by grimy gloves from its sheltered place on the fence. Aching poignancy of clear thought burns with the flame of a maple. Life is vibrant in autumn light: bittersweet, understood, and short.

Other nonfiction books by carol grever:

My Husband Is Gay, When Your Spouse Comes Out, and Memory Quilt as well as an acclaimed poetry collection and the documentary, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages.

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On January 16th, 2018, we had an email from Marie. She was preparing to participate in the Toronto Women’s March, for the second year. She’d decided to do something to represent the Straight Spouse Network, in solidarity with the fight for women’s rights and the #MeToo movement. Note: Statistics from the last year clearly indicate that about 80% of straight spouses are women. Her enthusiasm lit up my spirit as we frantically emailed back and forth. What did she need, what could I churn out asap for her? I dropped what I was doing and went to work.

Marie had actually put together a handout describing our mission using quotes from our most recent newsletter. Together we did edits, added more complete information and our logo. After several frantic rounds, she was armed with a flyer, mission handout and art for a sign. Over the course of that afternoon and next few days, we formed a lasting bond. I will forever be inspired by this feisty, brave woman. At 75, Marie held her own amid the young folks. During her life, she has endured much physical pain and struggled to survive against impossible odds, and still has that fiery fight in her.

On January 20th, 2018, Marie was amid thousands of women and allies who descended on downtown Toronto. When back at home in Collingswood, she sent me this report:

“dId IT !!!!!!”“At the last minute, my daughter-in-law came with me to be sure I was safe. She was Great!! We joined the assembling group of marchers at City Hall. Using my cane for stability, I moved through the mob, smiling and distributing Straight Spouse Network flyers and handouts, letting the Straight

Spouse Network sign I was wearing do the work, as I greeted other marchers. I zeroed in on those with rainbow flags, reassuring them that the Straight Spouse Network supports LGBTQ rights. There was no push back and everything was very positive, though I’m sure most had no idea about our issue. But just to be acknowledged was a start!

One woman said this was “cutting edge,” our group was “something new.” I showed her our Mission Statement handout stating ‘since 1987’, not exactly new. There were so many agendas! There were Comfort Women from WWII, groups demanding equal pay, Teachers Federations across the province, and the Canadian Union of Public Employees, to name a few. All of which we support of course!

Finally we began the march of many blocks filled with people holding signs and flags and beating drums, and crowds of people on the sidelines cheering us on.

There was a group with Papier-mâché puppets, Moms and Dads with strollers and bewildered babies holding signs,young women with ‘I fight like a Girl’ signs. And in this ‘women’s march’ there were many men, like there had been last year, marching in solidarity. I stopped for a bit and stood on the side to cheer also, showing our sign to the marchers as they passed.

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Marie E. at The Women’s March in toronto, canada, January 20, 2018

Would she do it again? You Bet!

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Our arrival back at City Hall ended the march, where some gathered again and others broke off. The jammed traffic crawled past, as roads had been blocked, so I displayed our sign to those onlookers and the folks on the streetcars, also. I did see some puzzled faces of course.

Photographers were everywhere and I know some caught images of our sign. Don’t know if it did any good, but I certainly hope so. And after all the frantic preparations and apprehension, it wasn’t scary after all. Would I do it again? You Bet! Next time maybe YOU can join me!”

Marie’s StoryMarie is a native of Canada and has a large extended family which has been there for 16 generations. She and her husband taught on exchange in England during the first year of their marriage. “He’s an only child of orphaned parents. I was eldest of 5, who ran away from home as soon as I could. So, my husband and I were opposites.” Years later in Canada, after their sons were born, Marie taught school, received a government grant to set up a home day care network, started a baby sitting co-op, was a YWCA group leader, and helped establish Mothers Support and Preschool Groups. As her accomplishments grew, she began to suffer from Repetitive Strain Injury. She was forced to take an early retirement after 16 years. It was a five year struggle to regain full use of her hands. “When you are physically diminished, all you feel is the state you are in. You don’t ‘battle on,’ you just breathe, and take your 15 minutes of self-pity as long as possible,” she muses.

When her husband retired, they moved to small town on Georgian Bay, where Marie began following her interest in Family History and genealogy. “I found, to my amazement, that many of my French Canadian ancestors had been kidnapped by Indians in New England, settled here and never went back.” She attained an ancestor’s archival manuscript, studied paleography, and over the next four years transcribed

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the 825 pages of “execrable penmanship.” She returned to England to gift it to the History Centre and museum. The research helped distract her from her constant health issues. And then she was diagnosed with lymphatic cancer of the stomach.

Her husband was very supportive, challenging doctors, finding medications and giving hands-on care. “I almost died twice...and wanted to. But, even though it took years to get my brain somewhat back, and the aftereffects of ‘extreme chemo’ (Osteoarthritis, cracked vertebrae, dental problems) make me vulnerable to this day. But, hey, I dropped from a size 18 to a size 10!”

We’d been together 46 years when our marriage took a 180. I was hospitalized, thinking suicide.”

Her husband went to Arizona. “I stayed here. Bloody house kept breaking, gas fireplace, etc. Couldn’t open jars with my weak hands.” Her husband returned for Christmas and began doing repairs. They have remained together. “I never thought I’d still be with him. I had the mediator and lawyer ready, have the Divorce Coloring book ready. He’s trying to be husband from heaven. Says he’s too old to do otherwise.” Marie’s health issues still prevail. She finally has a good counselor, validation and plans to work on preparing her manuscript for possible publication in the future.

“Going to the March last year gave me such strength. Then I made it to Annie Tulk’s group in Toronto and together with June we started the group in Barrie. Have about 8 members there. I am 75 and live in Collingswood so winter weather is sometimes a challenge. When I told my husband I wanted to march again, he said I should pick a cause. VOILA!! Straight Spouse Network! I picked the right time to tell him, of course he was afraid I’d single him out, but I reassured him it was much bigger than him. He drove me down to Toronto.” u

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By Marie E. and Linda Ehle

You Bet!

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This wasn’t supposed to happen...

We had both been married before, so we went to great lengths to make sure we had revealed all the issues, skeletons and secrets from our pasts. We worked with a counselor to help us know how to work through any issues and develop a strong marriage. I thought we had all the tools necessary. I thought there were no skeletons left in the closet. And for almost nine years that was true.

Once the youngest child was off in college, and we were supposed to be enjoying being empty nesters, she became sullen, quiet and distant. She started going to counseling but told me not to worry because her issue didn’t affect me. She started staying away from home and me on weekends. She was always with a girlfriend she said. After a month or so of this, she missed a date we had planned because she was helping a girlfriend look for a house. That night I tried again to get her to talk, to open up, but she was evasive. I jokingly asked her if she and her girlfriend were gay. She looked shocked at first, but then adamantly said NO, and she went to bed.

After church the next day, she asked me why I had asked her if she was gay. I said I was joking in a way, but it seemed strange to me that she was spending so much time with her girlfriends. After a minute she broke down in tears and told me she was gay but had been afraid to tell me. I didn’t believe her. I thought she was having a mid-life crisis or something. Then she told me

a long story of how she had thought she might be gay back in high school, but the idea scared her so much she decided to “not be gay”. The stigma attached to gays back in the 60s was more than she wanted to deal with, so she repressed the feelings. She got married, had 2 daughters, and divorced after 10 years. Two years later we met in a church singles group, started dating, and married 3 years later. She told me that she had been having a lesbian affair when we met, but she ended it, not because of me, but in order to protect herself and her daughters since she feared being discovered.

Over the next 3 months we went to a couples counselor who was also lesbian (per my request, so the counselor could better understand our situation). The counselor suggested my wife focus on deciding for sure if she was really gay, and if so what we would do going forward. The counselor recommended we both get Amity Pierce Buxton’s book, The Other Side of the Closet. We both read the book and it became a lifesaver for me!

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–– Mike Thornton

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It was a dark and stormy time for me. I stopped listening to music; stopped watching TV, except for a movie once in a while. I just felt lost. I didn’t know who I was anymore. I doubted and blamed myself for not seeing something in my wife early on that would have uncovered her secret. I had been thinking that I must be the only guy in the world going through this.

I studied Amity’s book, made notes in the margins, highlighted passages, and wrote my own impressions of what she was telling me. Though my particular circumstances were unique, I felt that through Amity’s teachings and examples, I could decide what seemed to be right for me. Her book kept me from going off the edge, so to speak. It helped enable me to function enough to go to work and seem almost normal. But after work, I wasn’t able to do much of anything. The book showed me that I was not alone. It became my guide for how to survive and recover.

Amity’s book also introduced me to the Straight Spouse Network. I contacted them and was given the information for a group leader in my area. It was

incredibly hard for me to go to my first meeting, but I finally went and was glad I did. I was the only man in a group of 10 to 15 women. I felt I wasn’t always accepted by the women because I represented the gender they were having to deal with. Fortunately, the two leaders were very understanding and helpful. Through Amity’s book and going to the support group meetings, I began to cope with and accept my new life.

My wife decided she was really and truly gay, and had been her whole life. She decided to leave the marriage in order to be the person she knew she was. We divorced about 6 months later. One of the hardest things for me was that between her and my ex-wife, we had 5 kids; all in, or just out of college. The kids were troubled by our divorce because we had such a good marriage and we all got along so well. They were always asking what happened. They knew we weren’t telling them everything. She had told her two daughters, but begged me not to tell my kids for fear of losing their respect. I agreed at first, but after nearly a year I realized I was ‘locked in her closet’. I finally told her that if she wouldn’t tell my kids then I was going to tell them. She was really upset at me, but my kids were more understanding than her own daughters.

I was a regular participant in the Straight Spouse Network support group for a year or so. I would help out any time a man came into the group, so he would have someone to relate to. I have made many new friends and have undertaken new activities, hobbies and travels; but I found meeting women and dating to be really difficult. I was still unsure of myself and feared losing again. I had trouble trusting women, so I usually kept them as friends only, and didn’t date much. It’s been 15 years now, and those feelings of doubt and distrust have lessened. I’m now looking forward to finding a woman to share some of the best things life has to offer. I know I deserve to be happy. u

But Mouse, you are not alone, In proving foresight may be vain: The best laid schemes of mice and men Go often askew, And leave us nothing but grief and pain, For promised joy!

From “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest With the Plough, November, 1785” Scots Language poem written by Robert Burns

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