New Splicer Volume 2.1

~NEW SPLICER~Volume 2.1

February 2011

In this issue

Topic of the month: We survived volume 1.0, lets make it harder this time!

Topic of the month: What will be your MiniDinosaur pet?

Will we ever clone a Dinosaur?Amber, bones, tar? What’s your preferred source of Dino DNA?

The life of ToastNoah and the Dinosaurs

Dinosaur crossword!!!... and much more

Don’t forget to Breathe Don’t forget to smile

Foreword

Don’t forget to smileDon’t forget to Breathe

Welcome and welcome back to the people who make this both work and worthwhile! I would like to send a very warm thanks out to Jasper Fforde this volume who has been kind enough to spread the news of New Splicer magazine with his fans. Without Jasper and the Thursday Next series we all would not be here (and would be, sadly, slightly more normal!).

Inspiration and lack of sleep has aided my assent/descent to madness, each time I wrote I travelled to worlds unbound by rules... Come and join me in this freedom of any expression...

Allow yourself to be someone, something else, even a slice of toast, just for a few moments or more. Just be sure to bring a little insanity back with you wherever you go! Enjoy, breathe, smile...

Valentines

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~


~~~~~~~ToPIC of the Month~~~~~~~What will be your MiniDinosaur pet?

Thus far we have in the Mini-cloning labs:

Triceratops - Quick solution - shaved porcupine

Quagga - not really a dinosaur but who am I to debate reality.

Pterodactyl - Requires reinforced bird Avery and large cuttlefish shell.

Velociraptor – Cool claws + Brain = Can beat you at chess-boxing.

Stegosaurs – Ships without water (I have no idea either and I wrote it – an-swers on a postcard please?).

Talarurus plicatospineus – Quick solution – Armadillo + Superglue + Rock

Pliosaurus – Warning, does not work well with other fish in tank.

Diplodocus – Currently having size issues, a small diplodocus is still too big for the house.

And the must have MiniDino this season; the lord of the Jungle garden:T-Rex Warning - mortal enemies with cats (R.I.P. Tiddles). Currently working on a feline friendly version, ok for dog owners. Small

SwimingTeeth


How can you tell if a dinosaur is a vegetarian?Lie down on a plate.

Why were dinosaurs so large?The question can be broken into two parts 1) does size matter, and 2) if size matters then what was different about the Earth during the Mesozoic era that allowed the dinosaurs to grow so large?

In 1638, Galileo answered the first part of the question in his book Dialogues Concerning Two New Sciences. Contrary to Gulliver’s Travels and countless science fiction movies showing animals the wrong size, Galileo made it very clear that size matters.


One Day I will clone the shit out of you!

What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and a mole.A very big hole in your garden.

Galileo explained how size matters in his book Dialogues Concerning Two New Science a title similar to his book Dialogues Concerning Two Chief World Systems where he argued the evidence supporting the heliocentric model of the solar system. Thus he considered these two ideas to be of relatively equal importance.

While Galileo was successful in convincing the Church and the conservative science com-munity that the world is not flat, the conservative science community has yet to embrace Galileo’s Square-Cube Law even though it is clearly correct and fundamental to under-standing every major science discipline.

Numerous elementary science educators would like to teach Galileo’s Square-Cube Law, yet they do not like being embarrassed by their students asking them to explain the incon-gruity between Galileo’s Square-Cube Law and the large dinosaurs and flying pterosaurs. Thus the problem of how dinosaurs grew so large is a scientific paradox that has been holding back science for literally hundreds of years.

Scientists have identified four specific problem areas regarding the large terrestrial Mesozoic animals: 1) insignificant bone strength, 2) insignificant muscle strength, 3) unac-ceptably high blood pressure existing in the tallest dinosaurs such as the Brachiosaurus, and 4) grossly insignificant power for cold-blooded reptiles to fly.


The Blue gene.

Originally a minority gene, the last pure blue person died out centuries ago. Due to exces-sive Hawk and large bird attacks, a rare delicacy in avian circles these normally placid birds displayed an unfortunate preference for blue pigmented humans. Now the remaining blue pigment genes reside as recessive traits in such celebrities as Helena Bon Carter who, it is estimated, to be 1/16th blue in origin. When asked about her ancestry she simply said she is not feeling sad.

Gene for Floating.

Scientists believe this became the founding basis for both Scientology and the Christian Idea of Rapture when, unlike the gene for flight, people uncontrollably began rising up... The gene lies dormant until certain triggers like the coming of the alien Xenu or the return of Christ triggers translation of the gene to buoyant proteins in the blood causing god like weightless-ness. This is generally, misinterpreted as a religious event in both faiths but has been proven to be entirely scientific in synthesis. Current efforts to simulate the return of Xenu or Christ has all failed so scientists wait until either event does occur to prove each religion incor-rect.

Gene for not being able to roll your tongue (Endangered).

Recessive to the tongue rollers among us but still currently persists due to variable pen-etrance. Scientists propose the decline is due to the inability to fully enjoy super sour sweets; the inability to curl around the sweets triggers an instantaneous paralysis of the fight or flight response, leaving non-tongue rollers in rare but potentially life threatening situations. On a side note, lemmings cannot roll there tongues nor do they like sour sweets!

Genes removed due to natural selection


Going extinct...


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How do you know if a Dinosaur has been in the fridge?By the foot prints in the butter.


Awe-Fu*^ing-Some

What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!

In 1982, Dale Russell, then curator of vertebrate fossils at the National Museum of Canada in Ottawa, conjectured a possible evolutionary path that might have been taken by Troodon had it not perished in the K/T extinction event 65 million years ago, suggesting that it could have evolved into intelligent beings similar in body plan to humans. Over geologic time, Rus-sell noted that there had been a steady increase in the encephalization quotient or EQ (the relative brain weight when compared to other species with the same body weight) among the dinosaurs.[21] Russell had discovered the first Troodontid skull, and noted that, while its EQ was low compared to humans, it was six times higher than that of other dinosaurs. If the trend in Troodon evolution had continued to the present, its brain case could by now measure 1,100 cm3; comparable to that of a human. Troodontids had semi-manipulative fingers, able to grasp and hold objects to a certain degree, and binocular vision.[7]Russell proposed that this “Dinosauroid”, like most dinosaurs of the troodontid family, would have had large eyes and three fingers on each hand, one of which would have been partially opposed. As with most modern reptiles (and birds), he conceived of its genitalia as internal. Russell speculated that it would have required a navel, as a placenta aids the development of a large brain case. However, it would not have possessed mammary glands, and would have fed its young, as birds do, on regurgitated food. He speculated that its language would have sounded somewhat like bird song.[7][22]Russell’s thought experiment has been met with criticism from other paleontologists since the 1980s, many of whom point out that Russell’s Dinosauroid is overly anthropomorphic. Gregory S. Paul (1988) and Thomas R. Holtz, Jr., consider it “suspiciously human” (Paul, 1988) and Darren Naish has argued that a large-brained, highly intelligent troodontid would retain a more standard theropod body plan, with a horizontal posture and long tail, and would probably manipulate objects with the snout and feet in the manner of a bird, rather than with human-like “hands”

The “Dinosauroid”

http://darrennaish.blogspot.com/2006/11/dinosauroids-revisited.html


Awe-Fu*^ing-Some

A source of Dinosaur Fun! http://www.qwantz.com/


Meet the Kids - Adopt a MiniDinosaurTM TODAY!!!

Note: Cloned Dinosaurs may vary from their original counterparts, in ways other than size. That’s the fun of DNA...


Dinosaur Rebirth

Can scientists turn a chicken into a dinosaur?

In “Jurassic Park,” researchers recreated long-extinct dinosaurs from blood preserved in mosquito amber. While that’s probably impossible, scientists say they may hatch a dinosaur from a chicken egg by the end of the century. In fact, UCLA scientists have recently re-created chickens with teeth and snakes with rudimentary legs, vestiges of their long lost ancestors. By modifying the genes of birds, the closest living relatives to dinosaurs, with the right molecular tools, humans may someday bring dinosaurs back into our midst.While that’s not the ultimate goal of the research, rapid advances in genomic research have made it pos-sible to genetically reverse-engineer organisms; that is, hit the rewind button on evolution and tap into long-since dormant genetic instructions that organisms may still be carrying in their DNA.

Dr. Chen-Ming Chuong isn’t crazy about creating monsters. Yet in his laboratory at UCLA, he and his team of pathologists have created chicken embryos with teeth and other chickens with scales on their feet. This research, says Chuong, is a conversation with nature, driven by a desire to understand how evolution introduces or takes away different bodily structures. Scientists believe that if they can understand how the structure and shape of organisms developed, researchers in the future will be better equipped to engineer human tissues or organs for people in need. Instead of harvesting controversial, embryonic stem cells, sci-entists would prefer to manipulate adult stem cells, turning them into a new liver for a cir-rhosis patient, or new skin for a burn victim. But first they need researchers like Chuong to investigate and translate the deeper science of how, exactly, evolution works bio-chemically, to see how Mother Nature grows body parts.

low tech dyslexic cloning...Put on a red nose big shoes big hair and paint your face and act stupid.


For many years, scientists have known that birds evolved from dinosaurs, perhaps 150 mil-lion years ago. Fossils of birds found in China even have signs of small tooth-like appendages on the beak. As the saga of evolution unfolded, some dinosaurs grew arms, then feathers, and eventually were able to fly. Meanwhile, teeth became a disadvantage because they weighed down the birds’ light beaks.

But while evolution “opted out” of teeth, Chuong thought the molecular pathway to create them had to exist somewhere within the genes of birds. In other words, it is as if birds still have the molecular capability to grow teeth, but just aren’t doing so anymore. Even though it hadn’t been switched on in 150 million years, Chuong wanted to identify and reconnect that molecular pathway in order to re-active teeth-building processes.

By studying the genes, molecules and chemicals responsible for the growth of mouth and teeth structures in other organisms, Chuong was able to stir together a mix of molecules that might trigger the “dormant” circuitry into action. He then placed tiny beads of this concoction in the mouths of the chicken embryos. It worked. Through the microscope, he and his colleagues watched the embryos growing, as if the chickens had, all along, the genetic in-structions to grow the beak. They may have had the ancient circuits to do so, but they needed just the right ingredients to be properly switched on.

By learning how nature signals for the growth of certain structures, could scientists some-day do the same for people in need of a new spinal chord, eye or kidney? Quite possibly, says Chuong. He emphasizes that it is not his goal to grow a dinosaur, nor is it the goal of English researchers who partially restored legs to snakes. But the capability to call back evolution’s ancient designs and manifest them in modern-day organisms begs the question: Instead of creating appendages from ancient times, could scientists ever re-create a real dinosaur?


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If only Dinosaurs could have given Noah the finger...

Why didn’t Noah bring the dinosaurs into the ark but instead leave them behind to become extinct?

He saw what a terrible place the world had become.

He saw that everyone was lying, and cheating, and killing. He saw that no one cared about doing what was good and right anymore. And God knew that in their hearts all they wanted to do was evil and bad. But... God saw one good man. His name was Noah. Noah still cared about God. He listened to God, and he always tried to do what God said. And God was pleased with Noah.

God said to Noah, “Noah, I have decided to put an end to this mess people have made of my world, and start all over.” So God said to Noah, “I want you to build a boat.” It was going to be a very BIG boat. God told Noah exactly how to make it. It was going to be longer than a football field, and higher than a three story house. It was going to have one door, and a window all around beneath the roof.

God called the boat an “ark.” This was going to be a big job for a 500 year old man! That’s how old Noah was when God gave him his little project to do. Now, Noah might have thought, “This job is too big, and I am too old!” And he didn’t even have any power tools out back in his shed. But he did have God, and with God on your side, anything is possible.

So Noah went right to work. He did everything just as God had told him to. His neighbours must have thought he was crazy. While they were spending all their time doing wicked things just to please themselves, Noah was hard at work, pleasing God. Noah kept on working, day after day, year after year. And day after day, year after year, people laughed at him. And then one day Noah put down his hammer.

The ark was finished. There it was, this giant boat, resting on dry land - and no lake in sight! What was God thinking? He was thinking he had another job for Noah! A really BIG job. God said to Noah, “Now I want you to find two of every kind of animal, a male and a female, and bring them into the ark. And bring enough food for them all too.” (God also told Noah to bring extra pairs of some animals, some for food, and some for sacrifices.)

Just think what a noise that must have been. Cows mooing. Lions roaring. Dogs barking. Elephants trumpeting - all at once. What a noise! And what a mess! (It must have smelled pretty bad too...) And how do you keep the tigers from eating the little lambs? Still, with God’s help, Noah did it all, just as God told him to. Until finally there was just one more animal to get up onto the ark. Noah was pushing on the wrinkly behind of a big grumpy elephant - an elephant who really didn’t want to go on a cruise - when Noah felt a drop of rain hit his head.

Noah’s Ark and the Flood Genesis 6:1 - 9:17OR


Bird - Archaeopteryx macruraW. Dames

Although, maybe some of them did...


Will We Clone A Dinosaur?

The short answer is no. The slightly longer answer is definitely not. The Jurassic Park idea--amber, insects and bits of frog DNA--would not work in a million years, and it was by far the most ingenious suggestion yet made for how to find dinosaur genes. Cloning a mammoth--flash-frozen for several thousand years--might just prove feasible one day. But dinosaurs, 65 million years old? No way.

It is only when you ask the question the third time that you begin to see a glimpse of an af-firmative answer. Start with three premises. First, dinosaurs did not die out; indeed there are roughly twice as many species of their descendants still here on Earth as there are mam-mals, but we call them birds. Second, DNA is turning out to be a great deal more “conserved” than anybody ever imagined. So-called Hox genes, which lay down the body plan in an embryo, are so similar in people and fruit flies that they can be used interchangeably, yet the last common ancestor of people and fruit flies lived about 600 million years ago.

Third, and most exciting, geneticists are finding many “pseudogenes” in human and animal DNA--copies of old, discarded genes. It’s a bit like finding the manual for a typewriter bound into the back of the manual for your latest word-processing software. There may be a lot of interesting obsolete instructions hidden in our genes.

Put these three premises together, and the implication is clear: the dino genes are still out there. So throw your mind forward a few decades, and try out the following screenplay. A bunch of bioinformatics nerds in Silicon Valley, looking for an eye-catching project to show-case the latest IPO, decide to try to re-create the genome of a dinosaur. They bring together a few complete bird genomes--complete DNA texts from the cells of different birds--and start mapping the shared features. on. Pretty soon they have the recipe for a big, feather-less, wingless, toothy-jawed monster that looks a little like a cross between a dodo and a tiger.


They might not have to fix that many genes--just a few hundred mainly developmental ones. The genes for the immune system, for memory mechanisms and the like would all be standard for a vertebrate. To fine-tune the creature, they could go fishing in other bird genomes, or perhaps import a few ideas from lizards and turtles.

Remember, at this stage nothing has left the computer; all they have is a DNA recipe. But by the end of this century, if not sooner, biotechnology may have reached the point where it can take just about any DNA recipe and read off a passable 3-D interpretation of the animal it would create. After a massive amount of digital trial and error, the nerds reckon they have a recipe for a creature that would closely resemble a small, running dinosaur like Struthiomimus (“the ostrich mimic”). The rest is as easy as Dolly the sheep: call up a company that can synthesize the genome, stick it into an enucleated ostrich ovum, implant the same in an ostrich and sit back to watch the fun.

Of course, there will be teething troubles--literally. Or somebody might have forgotten to cut out the songbird’s voice genes, so the first struth chirps like a sparrow. Or maybe the brain development did not quite hang together and the creature is born incapable of normal movement. As this suggests, the first such experiment will almost certainly pro-duce a bit of a Frankenstein’s monster, and the whole idea may well therefore be cruel and unethical, in which case, let us hope it never happens. But that is not the same as saying it will be impossible.

And it just might prove much easier than I am implying. Who knows? Rusty old pseudogenes left over from the great sauropods may still be intact, hidden somewhere in the genes of a hummingbird.

“MATT RIDLEY”


www.smbc-comics.com

Science IS Cool


Insane short stories by a madman

Life of Toast or 120 days of life (Zadoks scale)

As with most life I start in the morning; a gentle breeze, a chill in the air. The catcher in the rye describes this better than any toast could yet as I am toast I will try to describe the feeling of my youth, the feel-ing of my existence, in my own words as told by me.Long ago we grew in the wild, infrequent small patches to ourselves, it was our own little piece of the countryside, or own little slice of heaven. But as with all things change comes, over time fi elds were de-veloped and grew with each harvest. The younger fi tter seeds always moved on to pastures new, settled down and grew. However, this is my story of my fi eld and my life as a slice of toast I came from a good batch; handpicked from birth, I had felt the touch of human kindness, as a seed among seeds. I sprouted fairly quickly, a simple season passed while I watched the world spin. Raindrops, a fresh change from tap water; I could always taste the metal. “Gives you plenty of Iron my friends used to joke”, they were probably right but nothing was as pleasurable as the tears of heaven. There elements felt elemental, sourced from above, fi ltered in the earth and blessed by the skies... All so that I may drink and live, for this I was always thankful. Only one thing rivaled the gods of the skies and that was the eye, giving life and warmth to all below. I was to fi nd this that gave life also signaled my end, or at least my transfor-mation into something more, something sliced.


Mid-autumn, our land was made ready, through the winter I lay hidden contemplating the meaning of life and other notions of existence. I even imagined myself as a person once, which was a little odd. Spring was wonderful, full of fresh food sown to the soil each month; the sliver of sunshine stroking along small stems each day. Summer came and I knew the taste of golden paradise, I had cast aside my green coat and tanned till august… Then, the machines came…

We came to fear the Gleaner L2, in a single evening half the fi eld was lost. I was an early casualty; we taken away to vast silos, in complete darkness, awaiting our unknown fate. Until, the light returned; alive, parched and dry we were taken away to something called the industry. It reminded me of DXB, at least in the pictures I had seen once, and we were not alone; water, yeast, and salt travelled in parallel until we were all thrown into the mix.

I didn’t know at fi rst but this is how god makes toast; I was scared but we all pulled together and rose to the occasion. It was hot at fi rst nevertheless we held fast and stood our ground and took a full spread while against the knife; till the last bite we held fi rm and then we were gone.


Who do humans thank: The asteroid, the Dinosaurs for their sacrifice, Noah or God?

Without an extinction event we would not be here, throughout the Meso-zoic Era, individual dinosaur species were evolving and becoming extinct for various reasons. The unusually massive extinction at the end of the Creta-ceous exterminated the last of the dinosaurs, the flying reptiles, and the large swimming reptiles, as well as many other marine animals. There is now widespread evidence that a meteorite impact approximately 65 million years ago was at least the partial cause for this extinction. At that time, mammals were about the size of your thumb. However, they survived, reproduced, and over millions of years evolved to fit all the ecological niches.

So I send a Prayer and Thanks to the lost souls of the Cretaceous...


As the end draws near; I would like to say thanks to all the contributors, inspirations and the many Toast that lost their lives along the way. This time we brought back an old friend, albeit in a small way. Next time lets make things bigger, no idea is too large, no concept too strange all ideas/stories happily welcome. Play with size, micro becomes macro, nano becomes pico, hahaha becomes HAHAHAHA. The next volume 2.2 will be all

things MAMMOTH...

Send in your entries by facebook/blog/website/post/Dodo mail...

Someone once asked me “Where the hell do you get your ideas from”, I re-plied “There are many wonderful crazy people in the world; I am simply two of

them”

This is a metaphor!

In the End...

Toast Marketing board


An enhanced lifeA new beginingAlways Toast...

New Splicer Volume 2.1

Documents

Transcript of New Splicer Volume 2.1