RobertAsprinChapterOne:ChapterTwo:ChapterThree:ChapterFour:ChapterFive:ChapterSix:ChapterSeven:ChapterEight:ChapterNine:ChapterTen:ChapterEleven:ChapterTwelve:ChapterThirteen:ChapterFourteen:ChapterFifteen:ChapterSixteen:ChapterSeventeen:ChapterEighteen:ChapterNineteen:ChapterTwenty:

RobertAsprinMythingPersons

ChapterOne:

ThisAceBookcontainsthecompletetextoftheoriginaltradeedition.Ithasbeencompletelyresetinatypefacedesignedforeasyreadingandwasprintedfromnewfilm.MYTH-INGPERSONSAnAcebook/publishedbyarrangementwithStarblazeEditionsoftheDonningCompany/PublishersPRINTINGHISTORYDonningeditionpublished1984Aceedition/November1986Allrightsreserved.Copyright©1984byRobertL.Asprin.CoverartbyWalterVelez.Thisbookmaynotbereproducedinwholeorinpart,bymimeographoranyothermeans,withoutpermission.Forinformationaddress:TheDonningCompany/Publishers,5659VirginiaBeachBlvd.,Norfolk,Virginia23502.ISBN:0-441-55276-5AceBooksarepublishedbyTheBerkleyPublishingGroup,200MadisonAvenue,NewYork,NewYork10016.Thename"ACE"andthe"A"logoaretrademarksbelongingtoCharterCommunications,Inc.PRINTEDINTHEUNITEDSTATESOFAMERICA10987"Reputationsarefineuptoapoint.Afterthattheybecomeapain!"—D.JUANTHEREissomethingsinfullysatisfyingaboutdoingsomethingyouknowyouaren'tsupposedto.ThiswasroughlymyframeofmindasIapproachedaspecificnondescripttentattheBazaaratDevawithmybreak-fastundermyarm...guilty,butsmug."Excuseme,youngsahr!"

IturnedtofindanelderlyDeveelwavingdesperatelyatmeashehurriedforward.NormallyIwouldhaveavoidedtheencounter,asDeveelsarealwayssellingsomethingandatthemomentIwasn'tbuying,butsinceIwasn'tinahurryIdecidedtohearwhathehadtosay."I'mgladIcaughtyouintime,"hesaid,strugglingtocatchhisbreath."WhileIdon'tusuallymeddle,youreallydon'twanttogointhere!""Whynot?Iwasjust....""Doyouknowwholivesthere?""Well,actuallyIthought....""ThatisthedwellingoftheGreatSkeeve!"

RobertAsprinSomethingaboutthisbusybodyirritatedme.Maybeitwasthewayheneverletmefinishasentence.Any-way,Idecidedtostringhimalongforawhile.""TheGreatSkeeve?""Youneverheardofhim?"TheDeveelseemedgen-uinelyshocked."He'sprobablythemostpowerfulmagicianattheBazaar."Myopinionofthebusybodysoaredtonewheights,butthegamewastoomuchfuntoabandon."I'veneverhadtoomuchfaithinmagicians,"Isaidwithstudiedcasualness."I'vefoundforthemostparttheirpowersareoverrated."Theoldsterrolledhiseyesinexasperation."Thatmaybetrueinmostcases,butnotwhenitcomestotheGreatSkeeve!DidyouknowheconsortswithDemonsandhasadragonforafamiliar?"Ifavoredhimwithaworldlysmile."Sowhat?Devaisacrossroadsofthedimensions.Dimensiontravelers,orDemonsasyoucallthem,arethenormaroundhere.AsaDeveel,yourmainliveli-hoodcomesfromdealingwithDemons.Asforthedragon,there'saboothnoteightrowsfromherethat

sellsdragonstoanyonewiththeprice.''"No,no!Youdon'tunderstand!OfcoursewealldealwithDemonswhenitcomestobusiness.Thedif-ferenceisthatthisSkeeveisactuallyfriendswiththem...invitesthemintohishomeandliveswiththem.OneofhispermanenthouseguestsisaPervert,andIdon'tknowofasingleDeveelwhowouldstoopthatlow.What'smore,I'vehearditsaidthathehasunderworldconnections."Thegamewasgrowingtiresome.AnypointstheDeveelhadmadewithhistributetotheGreatSkeevehadbeenlostwithinterestwhenhestartedcommentingonDemons.MYTH-INGPERSONS3"Well,thankyouforyourconcern,"Isaid,holdingoutmyhandforahandshake."IpromiseyouI'llre-membereverythingyou'vesaid.Whatwasyournameagain?"TheDeveelgrabbedmyhandandbeganpumpingitvigorously."IamAliman,andgladtobeofassistance,"hesaidwithaningratiatingsmile."Ifyoureallywanttoshowyourgratitude,remembermyname.Shouldyoueverbeinneedofareputablemagician,Ihaveanephewwho'sjustgettingstartedinthebusiness.I'msurewecouldar-rangesomediscountpricesforyou.Tellme,whatisyournamesoIcantellhimwhotowatchfor?"Itightenedmygripslightlyandgavehimmywidestsmile."Well,myfriendscallmeSkeeve.""I'llbesuretotell...SKEEVE?"TheDeveel'seyeswidened,andhiscomplexionfadedfromredtoadelicatepink."That'sright,"Isaid,retainingmygriponhishand."Oh,andforyourinformationDemonsfromPervarecalledPervects,notPerverts...andhe'snotmyhouseguest,he'smypartner."TheDeveelwasstrugglingdesperatelynow,tryingtofreehishand."Nowthen,howmanycustomershaveyouscared

awayfrommybusinesswithyourtalesaboutwhatafearsomepersonIam?"TheDeveeltoreloosefrommygripandvanishedintothecrowds,soundinganincoherentscreamofterrorashewent.Inshort,Alimanleft.Right?Iwatchedhimgowithacertainamountofmischie-voussatisfaction.Iwasn'treallyangry,mindyou.Weliterallyhadmoremoneythanwecoulduserightnow,soIdidn'tbegrudgehimthecustomers.Still,Ihadneverreallypausedtoconsiderhowformidableour4RobertAsprinoperationmustlookfromtheoutside.Viewingitnowthroughastranger'seyes,Ifoundmyselfmorethanalittlepleased.Consideringthedubiousnatureofmybeginning,wehadbuiltourselvesquiteareputationoverthelastfewyears.IhadbeenseriouswhenItoldAlimanthatIdidn'thavemuchfaithinmagicians.Myownreputationwasoverratedtosaytheleast,andifIwasbeingbilledasapowerfulmagician,itmadetheothersofmyprofessionmorethanalittlesuspectinmyeyes.Afterseveralyearsofseeingtheinsideofthemagicbusiness,Iwasstartingtowonderifanymagicianwasreallyasgoodaspeoplethought.IwassowrappedupinthesethoughtsasIenteredourhumbletentthatIhadcompletelyforgottenthatIwassuppoisedtobesneakingin.Iwasremindedalmostim-mediately.Theremindercameintheformofahugemanwholoomeduptoblockmypath."Boss,"hesaidinasqueakylittlevoicethatwasalwayssurprisingcomingfromsuchahugebody,"youshouldn'toughttogooutalonelikethat.Howmanytimeswegottotellyou....""It'sallright,Nunzio,"Isaid,tryingtoedgearoundhim."Ijustduckedouttogetsomebreakfast.Wantabagel?"Nunziowasbothunconvincedandundauntedinhisscolding."Howarewesupposedtobeyourbodyguardsifyou

keepsneakingoffaloneeverychanceyouget?DoyouknowwhatDonBrucewoulddotousifanythinghap-penedtoyou?""C'mon,Nunzio.YouknowhowthingsarehereattheBazaar.IftheDeveelsseemewithabodyguard,thepriceofeverythinggoesthroughtheceiling.Besides,I

MYTH-INGPERSONS5likebeingabletowanderaroundonmyownonceinawhile.""Youcanaffordthehigherprices.Whatyoucan'taffordistosetyourselfupasatargetforeverybozowhowantstherepofbaggingtheGreatSkeeve."Istartedtoargue,butmyconversationwithAlimanflashedacrossmymind.Nunziowasright.Thereweretwosidestohavingareputation.IfanyonebelievedtherumorsattheBazaarandstillmeantmeharm,theywouldmustersuchfirepowerfortheattemptthatmyoddsforsurvivalwouldbenonexistent."Nunzio,"Isaidslowly,"youmayberight,butinallhonestywhatcouldyouandGuidodotostopamagicalattackonme?""Notathing,"hesaidcalmly."Butthey'dprobablytrytoknockoffyourbodyguardsfirst,andthatmightgiveyoutimetogetawayorhitthemyourselfbeforetheycouldmusterasecondattack."Hesaiditeasily,likeyouorImightsay"Thesunrisesintheeast,"butitshookme.Ithadneverreallyoccurredtomehowexpendablebodyguardsare,orhowreadilytheyacceptthedangersoftheirprofession."I'lltrytorememberthatinthefuture,"Isaidwithacertaindegreeofgravehumility."What'smore,IthinkIoweyouandGuidoanapology.WhereisGuido,anyway?""UpstairsarguingwithHisNibbs,"Nunziogrinned."Asamatteroffact,Iwaslookingforyoutobreakit

upwhenIfoundyouhadsnuckoutagain.""Whydidn'tyousaysointhefirstplace?""Whatfor?There'snorush.They'llbearguinguntilyougetthere.Ifigureditwasmoreimportanttocon-vinceyoutoquitgoingoutalone."Igroanedalittleinside,butIhadlearnedlongagothe6RobertAsprinfutilityofarguingprioritieswithNunzio."Well,thanksagainfortheadvice,butI'dbettergetupstairsbeforethosetwokilleachother."WiththatIheadedacrossthecourtyardforthefoun-tainstairstoouroffices....Courtyard?Fountainstairs?WhathappenedtothehumbletentIwaswalkingintoaminuteago?Weelll...IsaidIwasamagician,didn'tI?OurlittlestallattheBazaarisbiggerontheinsidethanitisontheoutside.Lotsbigger.I'velivedinroyalpalacesthatweren'tasbigasour"humbletent."Ican'ttakeanycreditforthisparticularmiracle,though,otherthanthefactthatitwasmyworkthathelpedearnusourcurrentresidence.Welivehererent-freecourtesyoftheDevanMerchantsAssociationaspartialpaymentforalittlejobwedidforthemawhileback.That'salsohowIgotmybodyguards...butthat'sanotherstory,DevanMerchantsAssociation,youask?Okay.Fortheuninitiated,I'llgooverthisjustonce.Thedimen-sionI'mcurrentlyresidinginisDeva,homeoftheshrewdestdeal-driversinalltheknowndimensions.Youmayhaveheardofthem.Inmyownhomedimensiontheywerecalleddevils,butIhavesincelearnedtheproperpronunciationisDeveels.Anyway,mygraciouslivingquartersaretheresultofmypartnerandIbeatingtheDeveelsattheirowngame...whichistosaywegotthebetteroftheminadeal.Don'ttellanyone,though.Itwouldruintheirreputationandmaybeevencostmeacushyspot.Yousee,theystilldon'tknowthey'vebeenhad.Anyway,wherewasI?Oh,yes.Headingfortheof-;

fices.Normallyaftersneakingout1wouldstopbythestablestosharebreakfastwithGleep,butwithacrisisonmyhandsIdecidedtoforgothepleasureofmypet'sMYTH-INGPERSONS7companyandgettowork.Gleep.He'sthedragonAlimanwastalkingabout...andI'mnotgoingtotrytocondensethatstory.It'sjusttoocomplicated.LongbeforeIreachedtheofficesIcouldheartheirvoicesraisedintheirfavorite"song."Thelyricschangedfromtimetotime,butIknewthemelodybyheart."Incompetentbungler!""Whoareyoucallinganincompletebungler?""Istandcorrected.Youareacompletebungler!""Youbetterwatchyourmouth!Evenifyouaretheboss'spartner,onemorewordandI'll....""You'llwhat?Ifyouthrewapunchthesafestplacetobewouldbewhereyou'reaiming.""Izzatso?"ItsoundedlikeIhadarrivedinthenickoftime.Tak-ingadeepbreath,Icasuallystrolledintotheteethofthefracas."Hi,guys."Ipretendedtobetotallyunawareofwhatwasgoingon."Anyonewantabagel?""No,Idon'twantabagel!"camethesneeringre-sponsefromonecombatant."WhatIwantissomede-centhelp.""...andwhileyou'reatitseewhatyoucandoaboutgettingmealittlerespect!"theothercountered.ThelattercommentcamefromGuido,seniorofmytwobodyguards.Ifanything,he'sbiggerandnastierthanhiscousinNunzio.TheformercontributioncamefromAahz.Aahzismypartner.He'salsoademon,aPervecttobeexact,andeventhoughhe'sslightlyshorterthanIam,he'seasilytwiceasnastyasmytwobodyguardsputtogether.MystrategyhadworkedinthatInowhadtheiran-noyancefocusedonmeinsteadofeachother.Now,realizingthepotentialdevastationoftheirrespective

8RobertAsprintemperamentsindividually,muchlesscollectively,Ihadcausetodoubtthewisdomofmystrategy."Whatseemstobethetrouble?""Thetrouble,"Aahzsnarled,"isthatyourace;bodyguardherejustlostusacoupleofclients."Myheartsank.ImentionedearlierthatAahzandIhavemoremoneythanweknowwhattodowith,butoldhabitsdiehard.AahzisthetightestbeingI'veevermetwhenitcomestomoney,and,livingattheBazaar|atDeva,that'ssayingsomething!IfGuidohadreally:lostapotentialcustomer,we'dbehearingaboutitforailongtime.I"Easeupaminute,partner,"Isaidmoretostallfortimethananythingelse."Ijustgothere,remember?Couldyoufillmeinonafewofthedetails?"AahzfavoredGuidowithonemoredarkstare.I"There'snotallthatmuchtotell,"hesaid."Iwasinthemiddleofbreakfast...""Hewasdrinkinganothermeal,"Guidotranslatedscornfully."...whenmush-for-brainsherebellowsupthattherearesomecustomerswaitingdownstairsinreception.IcalledbackthatI'dbedowninafew,thenfinishedmymeal.""Hekeptthemwaitingatleasthalfanhour.Youcan'texpectcustomersto....""Guido,couldyouholdtheeditorialasidesforoneround?Please?"IintercededbeforeAahzcouldgoforhim."I'mstilltryingtogetaroughideaofwhathap-pened,remember?Okay,Aahz.Youweresaying?"Aahztookadeepbreath,thenresumedhisaccount."Anyway,whenIgotdownstairs,thecustomerswerenowheretobeseen.You'dthinkyourmanherewouldbeabletostallthemoratleasthavethesensetocallforreinforcementsiftheystartedgettingtwitchy."MYTH-INGPERSONS"C'mon,Aahz.Guidoissupposedtobeabody-guard,notareceptionist.Ifsomecustomersgottiredof

waitingforyoutoshowupandleft,Idon'tseewhereyoucandodgetheblamebyshiftingitto....""Waitaminute.Boss.You'remissingthepoint.Theydidn'tleave!""Comeagain?""Ileft'emthereinthereceptionroom,andthenextthingIknowMr.Mouthhereishollerin'atmeforlos-ingcustomers.Theynevercameout!Now,likeyousay,I'msupposedtobeabodyguard.Bymyfiguringwe'vegotsomeextrapeoplewanderingthepremises,andallthisslobwantstodoisyellaboutwhosefaultitis.""Iknowwhosefaultitis,"Aahzsaidwithaglare."Thereareonlytwowaysoutofthatreceptionroom,andtheydidn'tcomepastme!""Welltheydidn'tcomepastme!"Guidocountered.Istartedtogetaverycoldfeelinginmystomach."Aahz,"Isaidsoftly."IfyouthinkIdon'tknowwhen....""AAHZ!"Thatbroughthimupshort.Heturnedtomewithanangryretortonhislips,thenhesawmyexpression."Whatisit,Skeeve?Youlookasif....""Therearemorethantwowaysoutofthatroom."Westaredateachotherinstunnedsilenceforafewmoments,thenwebothsprintedforthereceptionroom,leavingGuidototrailalongbehind.Theroomwehadselectedforourreceptionareawasoneofthelargestintheplace,andtheonlylargeroomwitheasyaccessfromthefrontdoor.ItwasfurnishedinastylelavishenoughtoimpresseventhosecustomersspoiledbythewondersoftheBazaarwhowereexpect-ingtoseethehomeofficeofasuccessfulmagician.Therewasonlyoneproblemwithit,andthatwasthe

10RobertAsprin

focusofourattentionaswedashedin.Theonlydecorationthatwehadkeptfromtheprevi-ousownerswasanornatetapestryhangingonthenorthwall.UsuallyI'mfasterthanAahz,butthistimehebeatmetothehanging,sweepingitasidewithhisarmtore-vealaheavydoorbehindit.Ourworstfearswererealized.Thedoorwasunlockedandstandingajar.

ChapterTwo:

"Successoftenhingesonchoosingareliablepartner."—REMUS"WHAT'Sthat?"Guidodemanded,takingadvantageofourstunnedsilence."It'sadoor,"Isaid."Anopendoor,tobespecific,"Aahzsupplied."Icanseethatformyself!"thebodyguardroared."Imeantwhatisitdoinghere?""Itwouldlookprettysillystandingaloneinthemid-dleofthestreetnow,wouldn'tit?"Aahzshotback.Guidopurpled.AsI'vesaid,thesetwohaveapositivetalentforgettingundereachother'sskins."Nowlook,allI'maskin'....""Guido,couldyoujusthangonforafewminutesuntilwedecidewhattodonext?Thenwe'llexplain,Ipromise."Mymindwasracingovertheproblem,andhavingAahzandGuidogoingateachotherdidnothingformyconcentration."Ithinkthefirstthingweshoulddo,partner,"Aahz11

12RobertAsprinsaidthoughtfully,"istogetthedoorclosedsothatwewon'tbe...interruptedwhileweworkthisout."Ratherthananswer,Ireachedoutacautioustoeandpushedthedoorshut.Aahzquicklyslippedtwooftheboltsinplacetosecureit.Thatdone,weleanedagainstthedoorandlookedateachotherinsilence.

"Well?Whatdoyouthink?"Iaskedatlast."I'minfavorofsealingitupagainandforgettingthewholething.""Thinkit'ssafetodothat?""Don'tknow,really.Notenoughinformation."WebothturnedslowlytolevelthoughtfulstaresatGuido."Say,uh,Guido,couldyoutellusalittlemoreaboutthosecustomerswhocameinthismorning?""Nothingdoin'."Guidocrossedhisarms."You'retheguyswhoinsiston'informationforinformation.'Right?Well,I'mnottellingyouanythingmoreuntilsomebodytellsmeaboutthatdoor.Imean,I'msup-posedtobeyourbodyguardandnobodybotherstotellmethere'sanotherwayintothisplace?"Aahzbaredhisteethandstartedforward,butIcaughthimbytheshoulder."He'sright,partner.Ifwewanthishelp,weowehimanexplanation."Welockedeyesagainforamoment,thenheshruggedandretreated."Actually,Guido,theexplanationisverysim-ple....""That'llbeafirst,"thebodyguardgrumbled.Inabound,AahzwasacrosstheroomandhadGuidobytheshirtfront."Youwantedanexplanation?ThenSHUTUPANDLETHIMEXPLAIN!"MYTH-INGPERSONS13NowGuidoisnolightweight,andhe'sneverbeenshortinthecouragedepartment.Still,there'snothingquitelikeAahzwhenhe'sreallymad."0—Okay!Sorry!Goahead.Boss.I'mlistening."Aahzreleasedhisgripandreturnedtohisplacebythedoor,winkingatmecovertlyashewent."Whathappenedisthis,"Isaid,hidingasmile."AahzandIfoundthatdoorwhenwefirstmovedinhere.Wedidn'tlikethelooksofit,sowedecidedtoleaveitalone.That'sall."

"That'sall!?Abackdoorthatevenyouadmitlooksdangerousandallyoudoisignoreit?Andifthatwasn'tbadenough,youdon'tevenbothertotellyourbody-guardsaboutit?Ofallthelamebrained,half...."Aahzclearedhisthroatnoisily,andGuidoregainedcontrolofhimself...rapidly."Aahh...whatImeantosayis...ohwell.That'sallbehindusnow.Couldyougivemealittlemorein-formationnowthatthesubject'soutintheopen?What'sontheothersideofthatdoor,anyway?""Wedon'tknow,"Iadmitted."YOUDON'TKNOW?"Guidoshrieked."Whatwedoknow,"Aahzinterruptedhastily,"iswhatisn'tontheotherside.Whatisn'tthereisanydi-mensionweknowabout."Guidoblinked,thenshookhishead."Idon'tgetit.Couldyourunthatpastmeagain...realslow?""Letmetry,"Isaid."Look,Guido,youalreadyknowaboutdimensions,right?Howwe'relivinginthedimensionDeva,whichisanentirelydifferentworldthanourownhomedimensionofKlah?Well,thepeoplehere,theDeveels,aremastersofdimensiontraveltoapointwheretheybuildtheirhousesacrossthedimensionbarriers.That'showcomethisplaceisbiggerontheinsidethanitisontheoutside.Thedoorisin

14RobertAsprinDeva,buttherestofthehouseisinanotherdimension.Thatmeansifwegothroughthatdoor,thebackdoorthatwe'vejustshownyou,we'dbeinanotherworld...oneweknownothingabout.That'swhywewerewillingtoleaveitsealedupratherthanstickournosesoutintoacompletelyunknownsituation.""Istillthinkyoushouldhavecheckeditout,"thebodyguardinsistedstubbornly."Thinkagain,"Aahzsupplied."You'veonlyseen

twodimensions.Skeeveherehasvisitedadozen.I'vebeentooverahundredmyself.TheDeveelsyouseehereattheBazaar,ontheotherhand,knowoverathousanddifferentdimensions.""So?""Sowethinktheygaveusthisplacebecauseitopensintoadimensionthattheydon'twant...'don'twant'asin'scaredtodeathof.Now,you'veseenwhataDeveelwillbravetoturnaprofit.Doyouwanttogoex-ploringinaworldthat'stoomeanforthemtoface?""Iseewhatyoumean.""Besides."Aahzfinishedtriumphantly,"takean-otherlookatthatdoor.It'sgotmorelocksandboltsthanthreeordinarybankvaults.""Somebodyopenedit,"Guidosaidpointedly.ThattooksomeofthewindoutofAahz'ssails.Despitehimself,heshotanervousglanceatthedoor."Well...agoodthiefwithalockpickworkingfromthisside....""Someoftheselocksweren'tpicked,Aahz."Ihadbeentakingadvantageoftheirdiscussiontodoalittlesnooping,andnowhelduponeofmydiscoveriesfortheirinspection.Itwasapadlockwiththemetalshacklesnappedoff.Therewereseveralofthemscat-teredabout,asifsomeonehadgottenimpatientwiththeMYTH-INGPERSONS15lockpickandsimplytorntherestofthemapartwithhishands.Guidopursedhislipsinasilentwhistle."Man,that'sstrong.Whatkindofpersoncoulddothat?""That'swhatwe'vebeentryingtogetyoutotellus,"Aahzsaidnastily."Now,ifyoudon'tmind,whatwerethosecustomerslike?""Threeofthem...twomenandawoman...fairlyyoung-looking,butnothingspecial.Klahdsbythelookof'em.Cometothinkofit,theydidseemabitnervous,butIthoughtitwasjustbecausetheywerecomingtoseeamagician.""Well,nowthey'reontheothersideofthedoor."

Aahzscoopeduponeoftheundamagedlocksandsnappeditintoplace."Idon'tthinktheycanpicklocks,orbreakthemiftheycan'treach'em.They'rethere,whichistheirproblem,self-inflictedImightadd,andwe'rehere.Endofpuzzle.Endofproblem.""Doyoureallythinkso,Aahz?""Trustme."Somehowthatphrasestruckafamiliarchordinmymemory,andtheechoesweren'tpleasant.IwasabouttoraisethispointwithAahzwhenNunziopokedhisheadinthedoor."Hey,Boss.Yougotvisitors.""See?"mypartnerexclaimed,beaming."Itoldyouthingscouldonlygetbetter!It'snotevennoonandwe'vegotmorecustomers.""Actually,"Nunzioclarified,"it'sadelegationofDeveels.Ithinkit'sthelandlord.""Thelandlord?"Aahzechoedhollowly."Seehowmuchbetterthingshavegotten?"Isaidwithadisgustedsmirk."Andit'snotevennoon.""ShallIrun'emoff,Boss?"Guidosuggested.

16RobertAsprin"Ithinkyou'dbettersee*em,"Nunzioadvised."Theyseemkind'aupset.Somethingaboutusharbor-ingfugitives."AahzandIlockedgazesinsilence,whichwasonlynaturalastherewasnothingmoretobesaid.Withavaguewavethatborderedonanervoustick,ImotionedforNunziotoshowthevisitorsin.Asexpected,itwasthesamedelegationoffourfromtheDevanChamberofCommercewhohadoriginallyhiredustoworkfortheBazaar,headedbyouroldad-versary,Hay-ner.Lasttimewedealtwithhim,wehadhimoverabarrelandusedtheadvantagemercilessly.Whilehehadagreedtoourterms,Ialwayssuspectedit

hadhurthisDevanpridetocutsuchagenerousdealandthathehadbeenwaitingeversincetopayusback.Fromthesmileonhisfaceasheenteredourreceptionroom,itappearedhefelthischancehadfinallycome."Aahh,MasterSkeeve,"hesaid."Howgoodofyoutoseeussopromptlywithoutanappointment.Iknowhowbusyyouare,soI'llcomerighttothepoint.Ibelievetherearecertainindividualsinresidenceherethatourorganizationismostanxioustospeakwith.Ifyouwouldbesokindastosummonthem,wewon'ttroubleyoufurther.""Waitaminute,Hay-ner,"AahzputinbeforeIcouldrespond."Whatmakesyouthinkthepeopleyou'relookingforarehere?""Becausetheywereseenenteringyourtentlessthananhouragoandhaven'tcomeoutyet,"saidthelargestofHay-ner'sback-upteam.InoticedthatunlikeHay-ner,hewasn'tsmiling.Infact,helookeddownrightangry."Hemustmeantheoneswhocameinearlier,"Nun-ziosuggestedhelpfully."Youknow.Boss,thetwoguyswiththebroad."MYTH-INGPERSONS17Aahzrolledhiseyesinhelplessfrustration,andforonceIwasinclinedtoagreewithhim."Umm,Nunzio,"Isaid,staringattheceiling,"whydon'tyouandGuidowaitoutsidewhilewetakecareofthis?"Thetwobodyguardstroopedoutsideinsilence,thoughInoticedthatGuidoglaredathiscousinwithsuchdisdainthatIsuspectedasterndressing-downwouldtakeplaceevenbeforeIcouldgettohimmyself.TheMobisnomoretolerantthanmagiciansofstaffmemberswhosaymorethantheyshouldinfrontoftheopposition."Nowthatwe'veestablishedthatweallknowwhowe'retalkingaboutandthatthey'rehere,"Hay-nersaid,rubbinghishandstogether,"callthemoutand

we'llfinishthisonceandforall.""Notsofast,"Iinterrupted."Firstofall,neitherofushavelaideyesonthosefolksyou'relookingfor,because,secondofall,theyaren'there.Theytookitonthelamoutthebackdoorbeforewecouldmeetthem.""Somehow,Idon'texpectyoutotakeourwordforit,"Aahzadded."Sofeelfreetosearchtheplace."TheDeveel'ssmilebroadened,andIwasconsciousofcoldsweatbreakingoutonmybrow."Thatwon'tbenecessary.Yousee,whetherIbelieveyouornotisoflittleconsequence.Evenifwesearched,I'msureyouwouldbebetterathidingthingsthanwewouldbeatfindingthem.Allthatreallymattersisthatwe'veestablishedthattheydidcomeinhere,andthatmakesthem.yourresponsibility."Iwasn'tsureexactlywhatwasgoingonhere,butIwassurethatIwaslikingitlessandlesswitheachpass-ingmoment."Waitaminute,Hay-ner,"Ibegan."Whatdoyoumean'We'reresponsible'?Responsibleforwhat?"

18RobertAsprin;"Why,forthefugitives,ofcourse.Don'tyouremem-|ber?Whenweagreedtoletyouusethisplacerent-free,partofthedealwasthatifanyoneofthishouseholdbrokeanyoftheBazaarrules,andeitherdisappearedofftoanotherdimensionor.otherwiserefusedtoface;thecharges,thatyouwouldpersonallytakeresponsibil-ityfortheiractions.It'sastandardclauseinanyBazaarlease.""Aahz,"Isaidtestily,"youcutthedeal.Wasthereaclauselikethatinit?"|"Therewas,"headmitted."ButIwasthinkingofTanandaandChumleyatthetime...andwe'llstandbehindthemanytime.Massha,too.Itneveroccurredtomethatthey'dtrytoclaimthatanyonewhowalked

throughourdoorwasamemberofourhousehold.Idon'tseehowtheycanhopetoprove....""Wedon'thavetoprovethatthey'reinyourhouse-hold,"Hay-nersmiled."Youhavetoprovetheyaren't."I"That'scrazy,"Aahzexploded."Howcanwe|prove...."I"Canit,Aahz.Wecan'tproveit.That'sthepoint.|Allright,Hay-ner.You'vegotus.Nowwhatexactlyhavethesecharactersdonethatwe'reresponsibleforandwhatareouroptions?IthoughtoneofthebigsalespointsoftheBazaarwasthatthereweren'tanyruleshere.""Therearen'tmany,"theDeveelsaid,"butthefewthatdoexistarestrictlyenforced.Thespecificruleyourfriendsbrokeinvolvesfraud."Hequicklyheldupahandtosuppressmyretort."Iknowwhatyou'regoingtosay.FraudsoundslikeasillychargewithallthehardbargainingthatgoesonhereattheBazaar,buttousit'saseriousmatter.Whileweprideourselvesindrivingahardbargain,oncetheMYTH-INGPERSONS19dealismadeyougetthegoodsyouwerepromised.Sometimestherearespecificdetailsomittedindescrib-ingthegoods,butanythingactuallysaidistrue.ThatisourreputationandthecontinuedsuccessoftheBazaardependsonthatreputationbeingscrupulouslymain-tained.Ifatraderormerchantsellssomethingclaimingittobemagicalanditturnsouttohavenopowersatall,that'sfraud...andiftheperpetratorsareallowedtogounpunished,itcouldmeantheendoftheBazaarasweknowit.""Actually,"Isaiddrily,"allIwasgoingtodowasprotestyoubillingthemasourfriends,butI'llletitgo.Whatyouhaven'tmentionedisouroptions."Hay-nershrugged."Thereareonlythree,really.Youcanpaybackthemoneytheytookfalselyplusatwenty-fivepercentfine,acceptpermanentbanishmentfromtheBazaar,oryoucantrytoconvinceyourfr—aahh,I

meanthefugitivestoreturntotheBazaartosettlemat-tersthemselves.""Isee...Verywell.You'vehadyoursay.NowpleaseleavesomypartnerandIcandiscussourpositiononthematter."AahztookcareofseeingthemoutwhileIplungedintothoughtastowhatweshoulddo.Whenhere-turned,webothsatinsilenceforthebetterpartofanhourbeforeeitherofusspoke."Well,"Isaidatlast,"whatdoyouthink?""BanishmentfromtheBazaarisout!"Aahzsnarled."Notonlywoulditdestroyourreputations,I'mnotabouttogetrunoutoftheBazaarandourhomeoversomethingasidioticasthis!""Agreed,"Isaidgrimly."EventhoughitoccurstomethatHay-nerisbluffingonthatoption.HewantsustostickaroundtheBazaarasmuchaswewanttostay.Hewastheonewhohiredusinthefirstplace,remem-RobertAsprin20ber?Ithinkhe'sexpectingustoanteupandpaythemoney.Thatwayhegetsbacksomeofthesqueezehesogrudginglypartedwith.Somehowtheideaofgivingintothatkindofpressurereallygallsme."Aahznodded."Metoo."Therefollowedseveralmoreminutesofsilence."Okay,"Aahzsaidfinally,"who'sgoingtosayit?""We'regoingtohavetogoafterthem."Isighed."Halfright,"Aahzcorrected."I'mgoingtohavetogoafterthem.Partnerornot,we'retalkingabouthit-tingatotallynewdimensionhere,andit'stoodanger-ousforsomeoneatyourlevelofmagicalskill.""Mylevel?Howaboutyou?Youdon'thaveanypowersatall.Ifit'stoodangerousforme,what'ssup-posedtokeepyousafe?""Experience,"hesaidloftily."I'musedtodoingthis,andyouaren't.Endofargument.""'Endofargument'nothing!Justhowdoyoupro-posetoleavemebehindifIdon'tagree?"

"That'seasy,"Aahzgrinned."Seewho'sstandinginthecorner?"Iturnedtolookwherehewaspointing,andthat'sthelastthingIrememberedforalongtime.

ChapterThree:

"Reliableinformationisamustforsuc-cessfulplanning."—C.COLUMBUS"HEY!Hotstuff!Wakeup!!Youokay?"IfIledadifferentkindoflife,thosewordswouldhavebeenutteredbyavoluptuousvisionoffemaleloveliness.Asitwas,theywereexclaimedbyMassha.ThiswasoneofthefirstthingsthatpenetratedthefogginessofmymindasIstruggledtoregaincon-sciousness.I'mneveratmybestfirstthinginthemorn-ing,evenwhenIwakeupleisurelyofmyownaccord.Havingwakefulnessforceduponmebysomeoneelseonlyguaranteesthatmymoodwillbelessthanpleasant.HowevergroggyImightbefeeling,though,therewasnomistakingthefactthatitwasMasshashakingmeawake.Eventhroughunfocusedeyes,herformwasunmistakable.Imagine,ifyouwill,thelargest,fattestwomanyou'veevermet.Nowexpandthatimagebyfiftypercentinalldirections,topitoffwithgarishorangehair,andfalseeyelashesandpurplelipstick,andadornitwithawheelbarrowloadofgaudyjewelry.See21RobertAsprin22whatImean?IcouldrecognizeMasshaamileawayonadarknight...blindfolded."OfcourseI'mokay,apprentice'."Isnarled."Don'tyouhaveanylessonsyou'resupposedtobepracticingorsomething?""Areyousure?shepressedmercilessly."Yes,I'msure.Whydoyouask?Can'tafellowtakealittlenapwithoutbeingbadgeredaboutit?""It'sjustthatyoudon'tusuallytakenapsinthemiddleofthereceptionroomfloor."

Thatgotmyattention,andIforcedmyeyesintofocus.Shewasright!ForsomereasonIwassprawledoutonthefloor.Nowwhatcouldhavepossessedmeto....Thenitallcameback!Aahz!Theexpeditionintothenewdimension!Isatboltupright...andregretteditimmediately.Ablindingheadacheassaultedmewithicepickintensity,andmystomachflippedoverandlandedonitsbackwithallthegraceofalumpofovercookedoatmeal.MasshacaughtmebytheshoulderasIstartedtolist."Steadythere,HighRoller.Lookslikeyourideaof'okay'andminearealittleoutofsynch."Ignoringher,Ifeltthebackofmyheadcautiouslyanddiscoveredalarge,tenderlumpbehindmyear.IfIhadhadanydoubtsastowhathadhappened,theyweregonenow."ThatbloodyPervert!"Isaid,flinchingatthenewwaveofpainbroughtonbythesoundofmyownvoice."Hemusthaveknockedmeoutandgoneinalone!""YoumeanAahz?Dark,green,andscalyhimself?Idon'tgetit.Whywouldyourownpartnersucker-punchyou?""Sohecouldgothroughthedoorwithoutme.Imade;MYTH-INGPERSONS23itveryclearthatIdidn'twanttobeleftbehindonthiscaper.""Door?Whatdoor?"Masshasaidwithafrown."Iknowyoutwohaveyoursecrets,Boss,butIthinkyou'dbetterfillmeinonafewmoredetailsastoexactlywhat'sgoingonaroundhere."AsbrieflyasIcould,Ibroughtheruptodateontheday'sevents,includingtheexplanationastowhyAahzandIhadneversaidanythingaboutthehouse'smys-teriousbackdoor.Beingaseasoneddimensiontravelerherself,shegraspedtheconceptofanunlisteddimen-sionanditspotentialdangersmuchmorerapidlythanGuideandNunzio.

"WhatIdon'tunderstandisevenifhedidn'twantyoualong,whydidn'thetakesomeoneelseasaback-up?""Likewho?"Isaidwithawrygrimace."We'vealreadyestablishedthatyou'remyapprenticeandhedoesn'tgiveyouorderswithoutclearingthemthroughme.He'sneverbeenimpressedwithGuidoandNunzio.TanandaandChumleyareoffontheirowncontractsandaren'tduebackforseveraldays.EvenGusistakingawell-earnedvacationwithBerfert.Besides,heknowsgoodandwellthatifhestartedbuildingateamandexcludedme,there'dbesomeseriousproblemsbeforethedustsettled.Iwouldn'ttakesomethinglikethatlyingdown!""Don'tlooknow,butyoujustdid,"myapprenticepointedoutdryly,"thoughIhavetoadmithesortofforceditonyou."Withthat,sheslidahandundereachofmyarmpitsandpickedmeup,settingmegentlyonmyfeet."Well,nowwhat?Isupposedyou'regoingtogochargingafterhimwithbloodinyoureye.MindifItag24RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS25along?Orareyouboundanddeterminedtobeasstupidasheis?"Asamatteroffact,thatwasexactlywhatIhadbeenplanningtodo.Theundisguisedsarcasminhervoicecombinedwiththeunsettlingwobblinessofmylegs,however,ledmetoreconsider."No,"Isaidcarefully."Oneofusblunderingaroundoutthereisenough...oronetoomany,de-pendingonhowyoucountit.WhileIstillthinkIshouldhavegonealong,Aahzhasdealtthishand,soit'suptohimtoplayitout.It'suptometomindthestoreuntilhegetsback."Masshacockedaneyebrowatme."Thatmakessense,"shesaid,"thoughI'lladmitI'malittlesurprisedtohearyousayit.""I'maresponsiblebusinessmannow."Ishrugged.

"Ican'taffordtogooffhalf-cockedlikearashkidany-more.Besides,Ihaveeveryconfidenceinmypartner'sabilitytohandlethings."Thosewerebravewords,andImeantthem.Twodayslater,however,thisparticular'responsiblebusiness-man'wasreadytogoofffullycocked.GuidoandNun-zioceasedtocomplainaboutmysneakingoffalone...mostlybecauseIdidn'tgooutatall!Infact,Ispentmostofmywakinghoursandallofmysleepinghours(thoughI'lladmitIdidn'tsleepmuch)inthereceptionroomontheoff-chancethatIcouldgreetAahzonhistriumphantreturn.Unfortunately,myvigilwentunrewarded.Ididmybesttohidemyconcern,butIneedn'thavebothered.Asthehoursmarchedon,mystaff'sworriesgrewuntilmostofmytimewasspenttellingthem,"No,heisn'tbackyet.Whenhegetshere,I'llletyouknow."EvenGuido,whoneverreallygotalongwithAahz,tooktostoppingbyatleastonceanhourforano-prog-ressreport.Finally,asasalveformyownnerves,Icalledevery-oneintothereceptionroomforastaffmeeting."WhatIwanttoknowishowlongarewejustgoingtositaroundbeforeweadmitthatsomething'sgonewrong?"Guidomutteredforthefifthtime."Howlongdoyoufigureittakestofindafugitiveinastrangedimension?"Ishotback."HowlongwouldittakeyoutofindthemiftheywereonKlah,Guido?We'vegottogivehimsometime.""Howmuchtime?"hecountered."It'salreadybeentwodays....""TanandaandChumleywillbebackanytimenow,"Masshainterrupted."Doyouthinkthey'lljustsitaroundontheirhandswhentheyfindoutthatAahzisoutthereallalone?""Ithoughtyouweretheonewhothoughtthatgoingafterhimwasastupididea?""Istilldo.NowdoyouwanttoknowwhatIthinkoftheideaofdoingnothingi"

BeforeIcouldanswer,asoftknocksoundedatthedoor...thebackdoor!"See!"Icrowedtriumphantly."Itoldyouhewouldbeback!""Thatdoesn'tsoundlikehisknock,"Guidoob-servedsuspiciously."Andwhyshouldheknock?"Masshaadded."Thedoorhasn'tbeenlockedsinceheleft."Inmyownreliefandenthusiasm,theirremarkswentunnoticed.InaflashIwasatthedoor,wrenchingitopenwhilevoicingthegreetingIhadbeenrehearsingfortwodays."It'sabouttime,part...ner."

26MYTH-INGPERSONS27RobertAsprinItwasn'tAahz.Infact,thebeingoutsidethedoordidn'tlookany-thingatalllikeAahz.Whatwasdoublysurprising,though,wasthatIrecognizedher!Wehadneverreallymet...nottoexchangenames,butshortlyaftermeetingAahzIhadbeenstrungupbyanangrymobwhileimpersonatingher,andIhadseenherinthecrowdwhenIsuccessfully"interviewed"forthejobofcourtmagicianatPossletum.WhatIhadneverhadachancetoobservefirst-handwasherradiantcomplexionframedbywavesofsun-goldhair,ortheeasygracewithwhichshecarriedher-self,orthe...."It'stheGreatSkeeve,right?Behindtheopenmouth?"Hervoicewassomusicalittookmeafewmomentstozeroinonwhatshehadsaidandrealizethatshewasex-pectingananswer."Aahh...yes.Imean,atyourservice,"

"Gladtofinallymeetyouface-to-face,"shesaidbriskly,glancingatGuidoandMasshanervously."I'vebeenlookingforanexcuseforawhile,andIguessthisisit.Gotsomenewsforyou...aboutyourappren-tice."Iwasstillhavingproblemsfocusingonwhatshewassaying.Notonlywashervoicemesmerizing,shewaseasilytheloveliestwomanIhadevermet...well,girlactually.Shecouldn'thavebeenmucholderthanme.What'smore,sheseemedtolikeme.Thatis,shekeptsmilinghesitantlyandherdeepblueeyesneverleftmine.Now,IhadgottenrespectfrommycolleaguesandfrombeingsattheBazaarwhoknewmyreputation,butneverfromanyonewholookedlike....Thenherwordssankin."Myapprentice?"IstoleaninvoluntaryglanceatMasshabeforeIreal-izedthemisunderstanding."Oh,youmeanAahz.He'snotmyapprenticeanymore.He'smypartner.Pleasecomein.Wewerejusttalkingabouthim."Istoodtoonesideofthedoorandinvitedherinwithagrandsweepinggesture.I'dnevertrieditbefore,butIhadseenitusedacoupleoftimeswhileIwasworkingthecourtatPossletum,andithadimpressedme."Umm—Boss?CouldItalktoyouforaminute?""Later,Guido."Irepeatedthegesture,andthegirlrespondedwithaquicksmilethatlituptheroom."Thanksfortheinvite,"shesaid,"butI'llhavetotakearaincheck.Ireallycan'tstay.Infact,Ishouldn'tbehereatall.Ijustthoughtthatsomeoneshouldletyouknowthatyourfriend...Aahzisit?Anyway,yourfriendisinjail."Thatbroughtmebacktoearthinahurry."Aahz?Injail?Forwhat?""Murder.""MURDER!"Ishrieked,droppingallattemptstobeurbane."ButAahzwouldn't...."

"Don'tshoutatme!Oh,IknewIshouldn'thavecome.Look,Iknowhedidn'tdoit.That'swhyIhadtoletyouknowwhatwasgoingon.Ifyoudon'tdosome-thing,they'regoingtoexecutehim...andtheyknowhowtoexecutedemonsoverhere."Ispunaroundtofacetheothers."Massha!Gogetyourjewelrycase.Guido,Nunzio!Gearup.We'regoingtopayalittlecallonourneigh-bors."Itriedtokeepmyvoicecalmandlevel,butsomehowthewordscameoutabitmoreintensethanIhadin-tended.

28RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS29"Notsofast.Boss,"Guidosaid."There'ssomethingyououghtaknowfirst.""Later.Iwantyouto....""NOW,Boss.It'simportant!""WHATISIT!"Needlesstosay,Iwasnoteagertoenterintoanypro-longedconversationsjustnow."She'soneof'em.""Ibegyourpardon?""Thethreethatwentoutthroughthebackdoor.Theonesyourpartnerischasing.She'sthebroad."Thunderstruck,Iturnedtothegirlforconfirmation,onlytofindthedoorwaywasempty.Mymysteriousvisitorhaddisappearedassuddenlyasshehadarrived."Thiscouldbeatrap,youknow,"Masshasaidthoughtfully."She'sright."Guidonodded."Takeitfromsome-onewho'sbeenonthelamhimself.Whenyou'rerun-ningfromthelawandthereareonlyacoupleofpeoplewhocanfindyou,itgetsrealtemptingtoeliminatethatlink.We'veonlygotherwordthatyourpartner'sin

trouble.""Itwouldn'ttakeamentalgianttofigureoutthatyouandAahzarethemostlikelyhuntersfortheDeveelstohire.Afterall,theyknewwhosehousetheywerecut-tingthroughfortheirgetaway,"Masshaadded.Guidorosetohisfeetandstartedpacing."Right,"hesaid."Nowsupposethey'vegotAahz.Canyouthinkofabetterwaytobagtheotherhalfofthepairthanbyfeedingyoualineaboutyourpartnerbeingintroublesoyou'llcomechargingintowhatevertrapthey'velaidout?Thewholeset-upstinks,Boss.Idon'tknowaboutstrangedimensions,butIdoknowaboutcriminals.Assoonasyoustepthroughthatdoor,you'regonnabeasittingduck.""Areyouquitethrough?"Eventomyearsmyvoicesoundedicy,butforachangeIdidn'tcare.GuidoandMasshaexchangedglances,thennoddedsilently."Verywell.Youmayberight,andIappreciateyourconcernformywell-being.HOWEVER..."Myvoicesanktoadeadlyhiss."...whatifyou'rewrong?Whatifourfugitiveistellingthetruth?You'veallbeenonmycaseaboutnotdoinganythingtohelpAahz.DoyoureallythinkI'mjustgoingtositherewhilemypartnerANDfriendburnsforacrimehedidn'tcommit...ontheoff-chancethatgettinginvolvedmightbedangeroustome?"WithgreateffortIforcedmytonesbacktonormal."IntenminutesI'mgoingthroughthatdoorafterAahz...andifI'mwalkingintoatrap,ithadbetterbeagoodone.Nowdoanyofyouwanttocomewithme,oramIgoingitalone?"

ChapterFour:

"It'suselesstotrytoplanfortheunex-pected...bydefinition!"—A.HITCHCOCKACTUALLY,itwasmorelikeanhourbeforewewerereallyreadytogo,thoughformeitseemedlikealotlonger.Still,evenIhadtoadmitthatnottakingtheproperpreparationsforthisventurewouldnotonlybefoolish,itwouldbedownrightsuicidal!ItwasdecidedthatNunziowouldstaybehindsotherewouldbesomeoneatourbasetoletTanandaandChumleyknowwhatwasgoingonwhentheyreturned.Needlesstosay,hewaslessthanthrilledbytheassign-ment."ButI'msupposedtobeyourbodyguard!"hear-gued."How'mIsupposedtoguardyouifI'msittin'backherewhileyou'reonthefrontlines?""Bybeingsureoursupporttroopsgettheinforma-tiontheyneedtofollowus,"Isaid.AsmuchasIdislikedhavingtoarguewithNunzio,IwouldratherdiginmyheelsagainsthalfadozenMob-typebodyguardsthanhavetoexplaintoTanandaand30MYTH-INGPERSONS31Chumleywhytheyweren'tincludedinthisrescuemis-sion."Wecouldleaveanote.""No.""Wecould....""NO!Iwantyouhere.Isthatplainenough?"Thebodyguardheavedaheavysigh."Okay,Boss.I'llhanginhereuntiltheyshowup.Thenthethreeofuswill....""No!"Isaidagain."ThenTanandaandChumleywillcomeinafterus.You'regoingtostayhere."

"ButBoss....""BecauseifHay-nerandhiscrewshowupagain,someonehastobeheretoletthemknowwe'reonthejobandthatwehaven'tjusttakenoffforthetalltimber.Assumingforthemomentthatwe'regoingtomakeitback,weneedourexitroute,andyou'regoingtobeheremakingsureitstaysopen.Allweneedisforourhoststomoveinanewtenantwhilewe'regone...say,someonewhodecidestobrickupthisdoorwhilewe'reontheotherside."Nunziothoughtthisthroughinsilence."Whatifyoudon'tcomeback?"heaskedfinally."We'llburnthatbridgewhenwecometoit,"Isighed."Butremember,wearen'tthateasytokill.Atleastoneofuswillprobablymakeitback."Fortunately,mymindwaswrenchedawayfromthatunpleasanttrainofthoughtbythearrivalofGuido."Readytogo.Boss."Despitethedesperatenessofthesituationandthehauntingtimepressures,Ifoundmyselfgapingathim."What'sthat?"Imanagedatlast.Guidowasdeckedoutinalongdarkcoatandwear-ingawide-brimmedhatandsunglasses."These?Thesearemyworkclothes,"hesaid32RobertAsprinproudly."They'refunctionalaswellasdecorative.""They'rewhat?""WhatImeanis,notonlydopeoplefind'emin-timidating,thetrenchcoathasalltheselittlepocketsin-side,see?That'swhereIcarrymyhardware.""But....""Hi,HotStuff.Niceoutfit,Guido.""Thanks!IwasjusttellingtheBosshereaboutit."Masshawasdressed...orshouldIsayundressedinherworkclothes.Abriefveststruggledtocoverevenpartofhermassivetorso,whileanevenbrieferbottomwasonthevergeofsurrenderingitsbattlecompletely."Ummm....assha?"Isaidcarefully."I'vealwaysmeanttoask.Whydon'tyou...ummm...wear

more?""Iliketodresscoolwhenwe'regoingintoahotsitua-tion,"shewinked."Yousee,whenthingsspeedup,Igetalittlenervous...andtheonlythingworsethanhavin'afatbroadaroundishavin'asweatyfatbroadaround.""Ithinkit'sasexyoutfit,"Guidochimedin."Re-mindsmeofthestuffmyoldman'smollusedtowear.""Wellthanks.DarkandDeadly.I'dsayyouroldmanhadgoodtaste...butInevertastedhim."IstudiedthemthoughtfullyastheysharedalaughoverMassha'sjoke.Anyhopeofaquietinfiltrationofthisunknowndimensionwasrapidlydisintegrating.EitherGuidoorMasshaalonewaseye-catching,buttogethertheywereaboutasinconspicuousasacircusparadeandanarmymaneuversharingthesameroad.Thenitoccurredtomethat,notknowingwhatthingswerelikewherewewereheading,theymightfitinand/wouldstandout.Itwasafrighteningthought.Ifevery-bodytherelookedlikethis....Iforcedthethoughtfrommymind.NousescaringMYTH-INGPERSONS33myselfanymorethanIhadtobeforetherewasin-formationtobackitup.Whatwasimportantwasthatmytwoassistantswerescared.Theyweretryinghardnottoshowit,butindoingso,eachwasdroppingintooldpatterns,slippingbehindoldcharactermasks.Guidowasplayinghis"toughgangster"bittothehilt,whileMasshawasoncemoreassumingherfavorite"vamp"characterwithavengeance.Thebottomline,though,wasthat,scaredornot,theywerewillingtobackmymoveordietrying.Itwouldhavebeentouch-ing,ifitweren'tforthefactthatitmeanttheywerecountingonmeforleadership.ThatmeantIhadtostaycalmandconfident...nomatterhowscaredIfeltmy-self.Itonlyoccurredtomeasanafterthoughtthat,inmanyways,leadershipwasthemask/waslearningtoslipbehindwhenthingsgottight.Itmademewonderbrieflyifanyoneeverreallyknewwhattheyweredoing

orfelttrulyconfident,oriflifewassimplyamassgameofrole-playing."Okay.Areweready?"Iasked,shruggingoffmywanderingthoughts."Massha?Gotyourjewelry?""Wearingmostofit,andtherestisrighthere,"shesaid,pattingthepouchonherbelt.WhileIwilloccasionallymakesnidementalcom-mentsaboutmyapprentice'sjewelry,itservesadualpurpose.Massha'sbaublesareinrealityaratherexten-sivecollectionofmagicalgimmicksshehasaccumulatedovertheyears.Howextensive?Well,beforeshesignedonasmyapprenticetolearnrealmagic,shewasholdingdownasteadyjobasthemagicianforthecity-stateofTa-hoeonthedimensionofJahksolelyonthestrengthofhercollectedmechanical"powers."WhileIagreedwithAahzthatrealmagicwaspreferabletomechanicalinthatitwaslesslikelytomalfunction(alessonlearnedfromfirst-handexperience)Isuredidn'tmindhaving

RobertAsprin34MYTH-INGPERSONS35herarsenalalongforback-up."Youknowthattrackingring?Theoneyouusedtofindtheking?Anychancethere'sanextratuckedawayinyourpouch?""Onlyhavetheone,"shesaid,wagglingtheap-propriatefinger.Icursedmentally,thenmadethefirstofwhatIfearedwouldbemanyunpleasantdecisionsonthisventure."GiveittoNunzio.TanandaandChumleywillneedittofindus.""Butifweleaveitbehind,howarewegoingtofindyourpartner?""We'llhavetofigureoutsomething,butwecan'taffordtodivideourforces.Otherwise,evenifwegetAahz,wecouldstillendupwanderingaroundoutthere

tryingtofindtheotherhalfoftherescueteam.""Ifyousayso.HotStuff,"shegrimaced,handingoverthering,"butIhopeyouknowwhatyou'redoing.""SodoI,Massha,sodoI.Okay,gang,let'sseewhatourbackyardisreallylike!"Fromtheoutside,ourplacelookedalotmoreimpres-sivethanthesidethatshowedintheBazaar.Itreallydidlooklikeacastle...aratherominousoneatthat,squattingaloneonahilltop.Ireallydidn'tstudyittooclose,though,beyondbeingabletorecognizeitagainforourtripout.Asmightbeexpected,mymainatten-tionwasfocusedonthenewdimensionitself."Kindadark,ain'tit."Guide'scommentwasmorestatementthanquestion,andhewasright.Whereverwewere,thelightingleftalottobedesired.AtfirstIthoughtitwasnight,whichpuzzledme,assofarinmytravelsalldimensionsseemedtobeonthesamesun-upandsundownschedule.ThenmyeyesadjustedtothegloomandIrealizedtheskywassimplyheavilyovercast...toapointwherenexttonolightatallpenetrated,givinganight-likeillusiontotheday.Asidefromthat,fromwhatIcouldsee,thisnewlandseemedprettymuchlikeanyoftheothersIhadvisited:Trees,underbrush,andaroadleadingtoorfromthecastle,dependingonwhichwayyouwerefacing.IthinkitwasTanandawhowasfondofsaying"Ifyou'veseenonedimension,you'veseenthemall."Chumley,herbrother,arguedthatthereasonforthegeologicsimilari-tieswasthatallthedimensionswetraveledwerediffer-entrealitiesoffthesamebase.Thisalwaysstruckmeasbeingabitredundant..."They'reallalikebecausethey'rethesame?C'monChumley!",buthisrebuttalsalwaysleftmefeelinglikeI'dbeenlisteningtosomeonedoingreadingsinanotherlanguage,sooflateI'vebeentendingtoavoidthediscussions."Well,HotStuff,whatdowedonow?"Forachange,Ihadananswerforthisinfuriating

question."Thisroadhastogosomewhere.Justthefactthatitexistsindicateswearen'taloneinthisdimension.""Ithoughtwealreadyknewthat,"Guidosaidunderhisbreath."That'swhywe'rehere."Igavehimmybestdarkglare."IbelievetherewassomedebateastowhetherornotwewerebeingliedtoaboutAahzbeingheldprisoner.Ifthere'saroadhere,it'sacinchthatneithermypartnernortheoneshewaschasingbuiltit.Thatmeanswehavenativetypestodealwith...possiblyhostile.""Right,"Masshaputinquickly."Putasockinit,Guido.Iwanttohearourplanofaction,andIdon'tlikebeingkeptwaitingbyhecklers."Thebodyguardfrowned,butkepthissilence.

36RobertAsprin"Okay.Now,whatwe'vegottodoisfollowthisroadandfindoutwhereitgoes.Hugthesideoftheroadandbereadytodisappearifyouhearanybodycoming.Wedon'tknowwhatthelocalslooklike,anduntilIhaveamodeltoworkfrom,it'spointlessformetotrytodis-guiseus."Withthosegeneralmarchingorders,wemadeourwaythroughthedarkalongtheroad,movingquietlytoavoidtippingourhandtoanyoneaheadofus.Inashorttimewecameuptoourfirstdecisionpoint.Theroadwewereonendedabruptlywhenitmetanother,muchlargerthoroughfare.Myassistantslookedatmeexpectantly.WithashrugImadethearbitrarydecisionandledthemofftotherightdownthisnewcourse.Aswewent,IreflectedwithsomeannoyancethateventhoughbothMasshaandGuidoknewthatIwasasnewtothisterrainastheywere,itsomehowfelltometochoosethepath.Mythoughtswereinterruptedbythesoundofvoices

ahead,comingourway.Theothersheardittoo,andwithoutwordorsignalwemeltedintotheunderbrush.Squattingdown,Ipeeredthroughthegloomtowardtheroad,anxioustocatchmyfirstglimpseofthenativelifeforms.Ididn'thavelongtowait.Twofiguresappeared,ayoungcouplebythelookofthem,talkingandlaughingmerrilyastheywent.Theylookedprettynormaltome,whichwasadistinctrelief,consideringtheformsIhadhadtoimitateinsomeoftheotherdimensions.TheywerehumanoidenoughtopassforKlahds...orJahks,actually,astheywereabitpale.Theirdresswasnotdis-similarfrommyown,thoughabitmorecolorful.Ab-sorbingallthisinaglance,Idecidedtomakemyfirsttryforinformation.Imean,afterallmyfears,theyweresofamiliaritwasalmostaletdown,sowhynotMYTH-INGPERSONS37bullahead?ComparedwithsomeofthebeingsI'vehadtodealwithinthepast,thislookedlikeapieceofcake.Signalingtheotherstostayput,Isteppedoutontotheroadbehindmytargetcouple."Excuseme!"Icalled"I'mnewtothisareaandinneedofalittleassistance.Couldyoudirectmetothenearesttown?"Translationpendantswerestandardequipmentfordimensiontravel,andasIwaswearingonenow,Ihadnofearofnotbeingunderstood.Thecoupleturnedtofaceme,andIwasimmediatelystruckbytheireyes.The"whites"oftheireyesglowedadarkred,sendingchillsdownmyspine.ItoccurredtomethatImighthavestudiedthelocalsabitlongerbeforeItriedtopassmyselfoffasanative.ItalsooccurredtomethatIhadalreadycommittedmyselftothiscourseofactionandwouldhavetobluffmywaythroughitregardless.Finally,itoccurredtomethatIwasasuicidalidiotandthatIhopedMasshaandGuidowerereadyingtheirback-upweaponstosavemefrommyownimpatience.Strangelyenough,thecoupledidn'tseemtonotice

anythingunusualaboutmyappearance."Thenearesttown?ThatwouldbeBlut.It'snotfar,wejustcamefromthere.It'sgotaprettywildnightlife,ifyou'reintothatkindofthing."Therewassomethingabouthismouththatnaggedattheedgesofmymind.Unfortunately,Icouldn'tlookatitdirectlywithoutbreakingeyecontact,so,buoyedbymyapparentacceptance,Ipushedaheadwiththecon-versation."Actually,I'mnottoobigonnightlife.I'mtryingtorundownanoldfriendofmineI'velosttouchwith.IsthereapostofficeorapolicestationinBlutIcouldaskat?"38RobertAsprin"Betterthanthat,"themanlaughed."TheoneyouwanttotalktoistheDispatcher.Hekeepstabsoneverybody.Thethirdwarehouseonyourleftasyouentertown.He'sconvertedthewholesecondfloorintoanoffice.Ifhecan'thelpyou,nobodycan."Asvitalastheinformationwas,Ionlypaiditpartialattention.Whenthemanlaughed,Ihadgottenabetterlookathismouth.Histeethwere...."Lookathisteeth!"thegirlgasped,speakingforthefirsttime."Myteeth?"Iblinked,realizingwithastartthatshewasstaringatmewithundisguisedastonishment.Hercompanion,inthemeantime,hadpalednotice-ablyandwasbackingawayonunsteadylegs."You...you're...Wheredidyoucomefrom?"TryingmybesttomaintainanormalmanneruntilIhadfiguredoutwhatwasgoingon,Imovedforwardtokeepourearlierconversationaldistance."Thecastleonthehillbackthere.Iwasjust....""THECASTLE!?!"Inaflashthecoupleturnedandsprintedawayfrommedowntheroad."Monster!!Help!!MONSTER!!!"Iactuallyspunandlookeddowntheroadbehindme,tryingtospottheobjectoftheirterror.Lookingatthe

emptyroad,however,itslowlybegantosinkin.Theywereafraidofme\Monster?OfallthereactionsIhadtriedtoanticipateforourreceptioninthisnewland,Ihadneverinmywildestimaginingsexpectedthis.Me?Amonster?"Ithinkwe'vegotproblems.HighRoller,"MasshasaidassheandGuidoemergedfromthebrushatmyside.MYTH-INGPERSONS39"I'llsay.UnlessI'mreadingthesignsallwrong,they'reafraidofme."Sheheavedagreatsighandshookherhead."That'snotwhatI'mtalkingabout.Didyouseetheirteeth?""Isawhis,"Isaid."Thecanineswerelongandpointed.Prettyweird,huh?""Notallthatweird,HotStuff.Thinkaboutit.Mybetisthatyouwerejusttalkingtoacoupleofvam-pires!"MYTH-INGPERSONS41

ChapterFive:

"Tosurvive,onemustbeabletoadapttochangingsituations."—TYRANNOSAURUSREX"VAMPIRES,"Isaidcarefully."Sure.Itallfits."Masshanodded."Thepaleskin,thesharpfangs,theredeyeliner,thewaytheyturnedintobats....""Turnedintobats?""Youmissedit.Boss,"Guidosupplied."Youwerelookin'behindyouwhentheydidit.WildestthingIeversaw.Onesecondtheywasrunnin'fortheirlives,andthenextthey'reflutterin'upintothedark.Arealltheotherdimensionslikethis?""Vampires...."Actually,myshockwasn'tallthatgreat.RealizingthethingsAahzandIhadrunintocruisingtheso-called"knownandsafe"dimensions,Ihadexpectedsome-thingabitoutoftheordinaryinthisone.Ifanything,Iwasabitrelieved.Thesecondshoehadbeendropped...anditreallywasn'tallthatbad!Thatis,itcouldhavebeenworse.(IfhangingaroundwithAahzhad40taughtmeanything,itwasthatthingscouldalwaysbeworse!)Therepetitivenatureofmyconversationalbril-liancewasmerelyacleverploytocovermymentalef-fortstobothdigestthisnewbitofinformationanddecidewhattodowithit."Vampiresarerareinanydimension,"myappren-ticereplied,steppingintothevoidtoanswerGuide'squestion."What'smore,they'reprettymuchfeareduniversally.WhatIcan'tfigureoutiswhythosetwoweresoscaredofSkeevehere.""Thenagain,"Isaidthoughtfully,"there'stheques-tionofwhetherornotwecansafelyassumethewhole

dimensionispopulatedwithbeingslikethetwowejustmet.Iknowit'salongshot,butwemighthaverunintotheonlytwovampiresintheplace.""Idunno.HighRoller.Theyactedprettymuchathomehere,andtheysuredidn'tthinkyou'dfindany-thingunusualabouttheirappearance.Myguessisthatthey'rethenormandwe'retheexceptionsaroundhere.""Whatever,"Isaid,reachingadecisionatlast,"they'retheonlytwoexampleswehavetoworkwithsofar,sothat'swhatwe'llbaseouractionsonuntilprovendifferent.""Sowhatdowedoagainstabunchofvampires?"Asabodyguard,Guidoseemedabituneasyaboutourassessmentofthesituation."Relax,"Ismiled."Thefirstorderofbusinessistoturnontheoldreliabledisguisespell.Justafewquicktouch-upsandtheywon'tbeabletotellusapartfromthenatives.Wecouldwalkthroughatownofvampiresandthey'dneverspotus."Withthat,Iclosedmyeyesandwenttowork.LikeItoldthestaff,thiswasgoingtobeeasy.Maintaineveryone'snormalappearanceexceptforpalerskin,

42MYTH-INGPERSONS43RobertAsprinlongercanines,andalittleartfulreddeningoftheeyes,andthejobwasdone."Okay,"Isaid,openingmyeyesagain."What'snext?""Idon'tliketoquoteyoubackatyourself.HotStuff,"Masshadrawled,"butdidn'tyousaysomethingaboutdisguisesbeingthefirstthingbeforewewentanyfurther?""Ofcourse.That'swhyIjust...waitaminute.Are

youtryingtosaywestillhavethesameappearanceasbeforeIcastthespell?"Oneoftheproblemswithcastingadisguisespellisthatasthecaster,Icanneverseetheeffects.Thatis,Iseepeopleastheyreallyarewhetherthespellisonornot.Ihadgottensousedtorelyingontheeffectsofthisparticularspellthatithadneveroccurredtomethatitmightnotwork.MasshaandGuidowerelookingateachotherwithnosmalldegreeofconcern."ymmm...maybeyouforgot.""Tryagain.""That'sright!Thistimerememberto....""Holdit,youtwo,"Iorderedinmymostcom-mandingtone."Fromyourreactions,Iperceivethattheanswertomyquestionsis'yes.'Thatis,thatthespelldidn'twork.Nowjusteaseupasecondandletmethink.Okay?"Forachangetheylistenedtomeandlapsedintoarespectfulsilence.ImighthavetakenamomenttosavorthetriumphifIwasn'tsoworriedabouttheproblem.ThedisguisespellwasoneofthefirstspellsIhadlearned,anduntilnowwasoneofmybestandmostreliabletools.Ifitwasn'tworking,somethingwasseriouslywrong.NowIknewthatsteppingthroughthedoorhadn'tlessenedmyknowledgeofthatparticularspell,sothatmeantthatifsomethingwashaywire,itwouldhavetobeinthe...."Hey,HotStuff!Checktheforcelines!"ApparentlymyapprenticeandIhadreachedthecon-clusionsimultaneously.Aquickmagicalscanoftheskyoverheadandthesurroundingterrainconfirmedmyworstfears.AtfirstIthoughttherewerenoforcelinesatall.ThenIrealizedthattheywerethere,butsofaintthatittooknearlyallofmyreservepowerjusttodetectthem."What'sallthisaboutforcelines?"Guidode-manded.Masshaheavedanimpatientsigh.

"Ifyou'regoingtorunwiththiscrowd.DarkandDeadly,you'dbeststartlearningalittleaboutthemagicbiz...oratleastthevocabulary.Forcelinesareinvis-iblestreamsofenergythatflowthroughthegroundandtheair.They'rethesourceofpowerwetapintowhenwedoourbibbity-bobbity-booschtick.Thatmeansthatinalandlikethisone,wheretheforcelinesareeithernonexistentorveryweak....""...youcan'tdosquat,"thebodyguardfinishedforher."Hey,Boss!Ifwhatshesaysistrue,howcomethosetwoyoujustmetcouldstilldothatbat-trick?""Bybeingvery,verygoodinthemagicdepartment.Todosomuchwithsolittlemeanstheydon'tmissatrick...pardonthepun...intappingandusingforcelines.Inshort,they'realotbetterthaneitherMasshaormeatthemagicgame.""Thatmakessense."Masshanodded."Inanydi-mensionI'vebeeninthathadvampires,theyweresomeofthestrongestmagic-slingersaround.Ifthisiswhattheyhavetotrainon,Icanseewhytheyrunhog-wildwhentheyhitadimensionwheretheforcelinesarebothplentifulandpowerful."

44RobertAsprinIrubbedmyforehead,tryingdesperatelytothinkandtoforestalltheheadacheIfeltcomingon.Rightonschedule,thingsweregettingworse!"Idon'tsupposeyouhaveanythinginyourjewelrycollectionthatcanhandledisguises,doyou?"Despiteourpredicament,Masshagavealowlaugh."Thinkaboutit.HighRoller.IfIhadanythingthatcoulddodisguises,wouldIwalkaroundlookinglikethis?""Sowegettotakeonaworldofhot-shotmagictypeswithourowncoverfireonlowammo,"Guidosum-marized.

"Okay.Soit'llbealittletougherthanIthoughtatfirst.Justremembermypartnerhasbeengettingalongprettywelltheselastfewyearswithoutanypowersatall.""Yourpartneriscurrentlysittinginthehoosegowformurder,"Guidosaidpointedly."That'swhywe'rehereinthefirstplace.Remember?""Besides,"Icontinued,ignoringhiscomment(that'sanotherskillI'velearnedfromAahz),"it'sneverbeenourintention'totakeonthewholeworld.'Allwewanttodoisperformaquickhitandrun.GrabAahzandgetbackoutwithaslittlecontactwiththenativesaspos-sible.Allthismeansisthatwe'vegottobealittlemorecareful.That'sall.""Whataboutrunningdownthetriowestartedouttoretrieve?"IthoughtbrieflyabouttheblondewhohadwarnedusofAahz'spredicament."That'spartofbeingmorecareful,"Iannouncedsolemnly."If...Imean,whenwegetAahzoutofjail,we'llheadforhomeandcountourselvesaslucky.Sowe...payofftheDeveels.It'sa...cheappriceto...payfor...."MYTH-INGPERSONS45Irealizedthestaffwaslookingatmealittleaskance.Ialsorealizedthatmywordshadbeengraduallyslow-ingtoapainfulbrokendeliveryasIreachedthepartaboutpayingofftheDeveels.Iclearedmythroatandtriedagain."Ummm,let'sjustsaywe'llreappraisethesituationoncewe'vereachedAahz.Okay?"Thetroopsstilllookedalittledubious,soIthoughtitwouldbebestifIpushedontothenextsubject."Astotheopposition,let'spoolourknowledgeofvampiressowehaveanideaofwhatwe'reupagainst.Now,weknowtheycanshapechangeintobatsordogs....""...orjustintoacloudofmist,"Masshasupplied."Theydrinkblood,''Guidosaidgrimly.

"Theydon'tlikebrightlight,orcrosses....""...andtheycanbekilledbyastakethroughtheirheartor....""Theydrinkblood.""Enoughwiththedrinkingblood!Okay,Guido?"Iwasstartingtogetmorethanalittleannoyedwithmybodyguard'sendlesspessimism.Imean,noneofuswasparticularlypleasedbythewaythingsweregoing,buttherewasnothingtobegainedbydwellingonthenegatives."Sorry,Boss.Iguesslookingonthedarksideofthingsgetstobeahabitinmybusiness.""Garlic!"Masshaexclaimedsuddenly."What'sthat?""Isaid'garlic',"sherepeated."Vampiresdon'tlikegarlic!""That'sright!Howaboutit,Guido?Doyouhaveanygarlicalong?"Thebodyguardactuallylookedembarrassed."Can'tstandthestuff,"headmitted"Theother46RobertAsprinboysintheMobusedtorazzmeaboutit,butitmakesmebreakoutinarash."Terrific.WeprobablyhadtheonlyMobmemberinexistencewhowasallergictogarlic.Anotherbrilliantideashottohell."Well,"Isaid,heavingasigh,"nowweknowwhatwe'reupagainst.""Ummm...say.HotStuff?"Masshasaidsoftly."Allkiddingaside.Aren'twealittleovermatchedonthisone?Imean,DarkandDeadlyherecanholduphisendonthephysicalprotectionside,butI'mnotsuremyjewelrycollectionisgoingtobeenoughtocoverusmag-ically.""Iappreciatethevoteofconfidence,"Guidosmiledsadly,"butI'mnotsuremyhardwareisgoingtodousalickofgoodagainstvampires.WiththeBossoutofac-tiononthemagicside....""Don'tcountmeoutsofast.Mymagicmaynotbeat

fullpower,butIcanstillpulloffatrickortwoifthingsreallygetrough."Masshafrowned."Buttheforcelines....""There'sonelittleitemI'veomittedfromyourlessonssofar,apprentice,"Isaidwithasmuglittlegrin."Ithasn'treallybeennecessarywhatwiththeenergysoplentifulonDeva...asamatteroffact,I'vekindofgottenoutofthehabitmyself.Anyway,whatitboilsdowntoisthatyoudon'talwaystapintoaforcelinetoworkmagic.Youcanstoretheenergyinternallylikeabatterysothatit'stherewhenyouneedit.Whilewe'vebeentalking,I'vebeenchargingup,soIcanpro-videabitofmagicalcoverasneeded.Now,Iwon'tbeabletodoanythingprolongedlikeaconstantdisguisespell,andwhatI'vegotI'llwanttousecarefullybecauseit'lltakeawhiletorechargeaftereachuse,butwewon'tberelyingonyourjewelrycompletely."MYTH-INGPERSONS47IhadexpectedacertainamountofexcitementfromthestaffwhentheyfoundoutIwasn'ttotallyhelpless.Instead,theylookeduncomfortable.Theyexchangedglances,thenlookedatthesky,thenattheground."Ummm...doesthismeanwe'regoingon?"Guidosaidatlast."That'sright,"Isaid,lipstight."Infact,Iprobablywouldhavegoneonevenifmypowerswerecompletelygone.Somewhereouttheremypartner'sintrouble,andI'mnotgoingtobackawayfromatleasttryingtohelphim.I'ddothesameifitwasoneofyou,butwe'retalk-ingaboutAahzhere.He'ssavedmyskinmoretimesthanIcaretoremember.Ican'tjust...."Icaughtmyselfandbroughtmyvoicebackundercontrol."Look,"Isaid,startingagain."I'lladmitweneverexpectedthisvampirethingwhenwestartedout,andthelimitedmagichandicapisenoughtogiveanyonepause.Ifeitherorbothofyouwanttoheadback,youcandoitwithouthardfeelingsorguilttrips.Really.TheonlyreasonI'mpushingonisthatIknowme.Whatever

isupahead,itcan'tbeanyworsethanwhatIwouldputmyselfthroughifIleftAahzalonetodiewithouttryingmybesttobailhimout.Butthat'sme.Ifyouwantout,goahead.""Don'tgetyourbackup.HotStuff,"Masshachidedgently."I'mstillnotsurehowmuchhelpI'mgoingtobe,butI'lltagalong.I'dprobablyhavethesameprob-lemifanythinghappenedtoyouandIwasn'tthere,thatyou'dhaveifanythinghappenedtoAahz.Iamyourap-prentice,youknow.""Bodyguardingain'tmuch,butit'sallIknow,"Guidosaidglumly."I'msupposedtobeguardin'thatbodyofyours,sowhereitgoes,Igo.I'mjustnotwildabouttheodds,knowwhatImean?"48RobertAsprin"Thenit'ssettled,"Isaidfirmly."Allright.AsIseeit,ournextstopisBlut.""Blut,"Masshaechoedcarefully."That'sright.IwanttolookupthisDispatchercharacterandseewhathehastosay.Imean,atownisatown,andwe'veallvisitedstrangetownsbefore.Whatwereallyneednowisinformation,andthenearestsourceseemstobeBlut.""TheDispatcher,"Masshasaidwithoutenthusi-asm.""Blut,"Guidorepeatedwithevenlessjoyfulan-ticipation.Itoccurredtomethatwhilemyassistantswereboundanddeterminedtostaywithmeonthiscaper,ifIwantedwholeheartedsupport,I'dbetterlookforitfromthenatives...aprospectIdidn'tputmuchhopeinatall.

ChapterSix:

"Anagentisavampirewithatele-phone!"—ANYEDITORREMEMBERhowIsaidthatifyou'veseenonetown,you'veseen'emall?Well,forgetit.EventhoughI'vevisitedalotofdimensionsandseenalotoftowns,IhadtoadmitthatBlutlookedalittlestrange.Everythingseemedtobedonetodeathinbasicblack.(Perhaps"donetodeath"isanunfortunateturnofaphrase.Whatever.)Mindyou,whenIsayeverything,Imeaneverything.Cobblestones,walls,rooftiles,every-thinghadthesameuninspiredcolorscheme.Maybebyitselftheblackovertoneswouldn'thaveseemedtooominous,ifitweren'tforthearchitecturaldecorationsthatseemedtoaboundeverywhereyoulooked.Stonedragonsandsnakesadornedeveryroofpeakandledge,alongwiththeinescapablegargoylesand,ofcourse,bats.Idon'tmean"bats"here,Imean"BATS"!!!Bigbats,littlebats,batswiththeirwingshalfopenandotherswiththeirwingsspreadwide...BATS!!!Theonlythingtheyallseemedtohaveincommon(besides49RobertAsprin50MYTH-INGPERSONS51beingblack)wasmouthsfullofneedle-sharpteeth...animagewhichdidnothingtofurthertheconfidenceofmyalreadynervousparty.Imyselffeltthetensionin-creasingaswestrodedownthestreetunderthenosesofthosefierceadornments.Onealmostexpectedthestonefigurestocometolifeandswoopdownonusforapintortwoofdinner."Cheerfulsortofplace,isn'tit?"Masshaasked,eye-ingtherooftops,"Idon'tliketocomplain,Boss,"Guidoputin,lyings

blatantly,"butI'vebeeninfriendlier-lookinggrave-;yards."|"Willyoubothkeepyourmouthsshut!"Isnarled,speakingasbestIcouldthroughtightlypressedlips."Rememberourdisguises."JIhadindeedturnedonmydisguisespellasweenteredtown,butinanefforttoconservemagicalenergy,Ihadonlyturnedoureyesred.Ifanyoftheothersonthestreet,andtherewerelotsofthem,happenedtospotournon-vampirishteeth,theballoonwouldgouponceandforall.Thenagain,maybenot.Westillhadn't;figuredoutwhythecouplewemetontheroadhadbeensoafraidofme,butIwasn'tabouttobankthesuccessofourmissiononanythingasflimsyasahopethatthe|wholetownwouldrunatthesightofourundisguisedfeatures.Fortunately,Ididn'thavetodoanymagicaltinkering'withourwardrobe.Ifanything,wewerealittledrabcomparedtomostofthevampiresonthestreet.Thoughmostofthemappearedratheryoung,barelyolderthanme,theycameinallshapesandsizes,andweredeckedoutinsomeofthemostcolorfulandoutrageousgarbithaseverbeenmymisfortunetoencounterasthey;shoutedtoeachotherorwovetheirwayinandoutoftavernsalongthestreet.Itwasnightnow,thecloudshavingclearedenoughtoshowastar-studdednightsky,andtruetotheirbilling,vampiresseemedtolovethenightlife."Ifeverybodyhereisvampires,"Guidosaid,ignor-ingmywarning,"howdotheyfindanybodytobiteforblood?""AsfarasIcantell,"Masshaanswered,alsochoos-ingtooverlookthegagorder,"theybuyitbythebot-tle."Shepointedtoasmallgroupofvampiressittingonalowwallmerrilypassingabottleofredliquidbackandforthamongthemselves.Despiteourknowledgeofthearea,Ihadsubconsciouslyassumedtheyweredrinkingwine.Confrontedbytheinescapablelogicthatthestuff

theyweredrinkingwastyped,notaged,mystomachdidafastrollanddiptotheright."Ifyoutwoarethroughsightseeing,"Ihissed,"let'strytofindthisDispatchercharacterbeforesomeonein-vitesustojointhemforadrink."Withthat,Iledoffmyslightlysubduedassistants,noddingandwavingatthemerrymakingvampiresaswewent.Actually,thegoingsonlookedlikealotoffun,andImighthavebeentemptedtojoinin,ifitweren'tfortheurgencyofourquest....nd,ofcourse,thefactthattheywerevampires.FollowingtheinstructionsIhadgleanedfromthecoupleontheroadbeforetheirpanickyflight,wefoundtheDispatcher'splacewithnoproblem.LeavingGuidooutsideasalookout,MasshaandIbravedthestairsandenteredtheDispatcher'soffice.AsstrangeasBluthadappeared,ithadn'tpreparedmefortheroomwesteppedinto.Therewerehundredsofglasspicturesliningthewalls,pictureswhichdepictedmoving,livingthingsmuchlikelookingintoarackoffishbowls.Whatwasmore,the

52RobertAsprinimagesbeingdisplayedwereofincredibleviolenceandunspeakableactsbeingperformedonseeminglyhelplessvictims.Theoveralleffectwasneitherrelaxingnorpleasant...definitelynotsomethingI'dwantonthewallathome.Iwassoentrancedbythepictures,IalmostmissedtheDispatcherhimselfuntilherosefromhisdesk.Perhaps"rose"isthewrongdescription.Whatheactuallydidwashopdowntothefloorfromhischairwhichwashightobeginwith,butmadehigherbytheadditionofapillowtotheseat.Hestrodeforward,beamingwidely,withhishandex-tendedforahandshake.

"HithereVilhelm'sthenameYourproblemismyproblemDon'tsitdownStandingproblemsIsolveforfreeSittingproblemsIchargeforReasonableratesJustaminorpercentageoffthetopWhatcanIdoforyou?"Thatwassortofallonesentenceinthathedidn'tpauseforbreath.Hedid,however,seizemyhand,pumpittwice,thenrepeatedthesameprocedurewithMassha,thengrabbedmyhandagain...allbeforehestoppedtalking.Allinall,itwasalittleoverpowering.Ihadaflashimpressionofashort,stockycharacterwithplumprosycheeksandabadcaseofthefidgets.IhaddeliberatelytriednottospeculateonwhattheDispatcherwouldlooklike,butacherubvampirestillcaughtmealittleoff-guard."I...ummm...howdidyouknowIhaveaprob-lem?"Thatearnedmeanextrasqueezeofthehandandawink."Nobodycomesinhereunlessthey'vegotaprob-lem,"hesaid,finallyslowingdownhisspeechabit."Imean,Icouldalwaysuseabitofhelp,butdoesanyoneMYTH-INGPERSONS5Bleapforwardtolendahand?Fatchance.SeemsliketheonlytimeIseeanotherfaceinthefleshiswhenitmeansmoreworkforme.Provemewrong...please!Tellmeyoucameinheretotakeoverforanhourorsotoletmeduckoutforabitetodrink.""Well,actually,we'vegotaproblemandweweretold....,""See!WhatdidItellyou?Allright.Whathaveyougot?Astandingorasittingproblem?Standingprob-lemsIhandlefor...."Hewasoffagain.Inadesperateefforttokeepourvisitshort,Iinterruptedhispitch."We'relookingforafriendwho....""Saynomore!Afriend!Justasecond!"Withthathevaultedbackintohischair,grabbedthetopoffastrange-lookingapplianceonhisdesk,diddled

withitbriefly,thenstartedtalkingintoit."YeaDarwin?Vilhelm.Ineed...sure...."Leaningbackinhischair,hetuckedthegadgetunderonesideofhisheadandgrabbedanother."ThisisVilhelm,IsKayaround?...Well,putheronwhenshe'sdone...."Thesecondgadgetslidinunderthesameearasthefirstandhereachedforyetanother."IknowIshouldn'taskthis,"ImurmuredtoMassha,"butwhat'shedoing?""Thosearetelephones,"shewhisperedbackasafourthinstrumentcameintoplay."Youtalkintooneendofitandwhoever'sattheotherendcanhearyouandtalkback.Itbeatsrunningallovertowntofindananswer."Bythistime,thelittlevampirehadsomanyinstru-mentshungfromhisshouldersandarmshelookedlikehewasbeingattackedbyanestofsnakes.Heseemedtobehandlingitwell,though,talkingfirstintoone,then54RobertAsprinanother,apparentlykeepingmultipleconversationsgoingatoncelikeajugglerhandlesabasketfullofballs."Gee,that'skindofneat!"Iexclaimed."DoyouthinkwecouldgetsomeoftheseforourplaceattheBazaar?""Believeme,they'remoretroublethanthey'reworth,"Masshasaid."Innothingflatyoufindyou'respendingallyourtimeonthephonetalkingtopeopleandnotaccomplishinganything.Besides,eversincetheybrokeupthecorporation....""IthinkI'vegotit!"Vilhelmannounced,jumpingdowntofloor-levelagain."I'vegotonefriendforyoudefinite,buttobehonestwithyouhe'sonlyso-so.I'vegotcall-backscomingontwoothers,solet'sseewhatthey'relikebeforeyoucommitonthedefinite.Okay?""Ummm...Ithinkthere'ssomekindofmistakehere,"Isaiddesperately,tryingtostopthemadnessbeforeitprogressedanyfurther."I'mnottryingtofind

anewfriend.I'mtryingtolocateafriendIalreadyhavewhomaybehereintown.''Heblinkedseveraltimesasthisnewssankin.Hestartedtoturnbacktohisphonesinaninvoluntarymo-tion,thenwavedahandatthemindisgusteddismissal."Heckwithit,"hesaidwithasigh."Iftheycancomeupwithanything,Icanalwaysfob'emoffonsomeoneelseforaprofit.Nowthen,let'strythisagain.You'relookingforsomeonespecific.Aretheyatownieoratransient?Itwouldhelpifyougavemealittlesomethingtogoon,youknow."Heseemedalittleannoyed,andIwouldhavelikedtodoorsaysomethingtocheerhimup.BeforeIcouldthinkofanything,however,myapprenticedecidedtojointheconversation."Thisisquitealayoutyou'vegot,FastWorker.MYTH-INGPERSONS55MindifIaskexactlywhatitisyoudo?"Asalways,Massha's"peoplesense"provedtobebetterthanmine.Thelittlevampirebrightenednotice-ablyatthecompliment,andhischestpuffedoutashelaunchedintohisnarration."Well,thejobwasoriginallybilledasDispatcher...youknow,asinDispatcherofNightmares.Butanyway,likeanyjob,itturnedouttoinvolvealotofthingsthataren'tonthejobdescription.Nowit'ssortofacom-binationofdispatcher,travelagent,lostandfound,andmissingpersonsbureau.""Nightmares?"Iquestioned,unabletocontainmy-self."Sure.AnythingthatcomesoutofLimbo,beitdreamsortherealthing,comesthroughhere.Where'reyoufromthatyoudidn'tknowthat?"Obviously,Iwasn'twildaboutcontinuingonthesub-jectofourplaceoforigin."Ahhh,canyoureallyhelpusfindourfriend?He'snewintown,likeus.""That'sright.You'relookingforsomeone.Sorry.IgetalittlecarriedawaysometimeswhenItalkaboutmy

work.Newintown,hmmm?Shouldn'tbethathardtolocate.Wedon'tgetthatmanyvisitors.""Hemightbeinjail,"MasshablurtedoutbeforeIrealizedwhatshewasgoingtosay."Injail?"Thevampirefrowned."Theonlyoutsiderinjailrightnowis....Say!NowIrecognizeyou!Theeyesthrewmeforaminute.You'reSkeeve,aren'tyou?""Screen97B!"hedeclaredproudly,gesturingvaguelyoverhisshoulder."There'ssomeoneadozendimensionsoverfromhere,runsahotdogstand,whofeaturesyouinhismostfrequentnightmares.You,adragon,andaPervert.AmIcorrectinassumingthat56RobertAsprinthecurrentresidentinourfairjailisnoneotherthanyoursidekickAahz?""Tobecorrect,that'sPervect,notPervert...butex-ceptforthatyou'reright.That'smypartneryou'vegotlockedupthere,andweaimtogethimout."Iwasprobablytalkingtoomuch,butbeingrecog-nizedinadimensionI'dneverheardofhadthrownmeoffbalance.Thenagain,theDispatcherdidn'tseemallthathostileatthediscovery.Morecuriousthanany-thingelse."Well,well.Skeevehimself.Ineverexpectedtomeetyouinperson.Sometimeyoumusttellmewhatyoudidtothatpoorfellowtoratethenumber-oneslotonhishitparadeofnightmares.""WhataboutAahz?''Isaidimpatiently."Youknowhe'supformurder,don'tyou?""Heardit.Don'tbelieveit.He'salotofthings,butamurdererisn'toneofthem.""There'safairamountofevidence."Vilhelmshrugged."Buttellme.What'swiththevampireget-up.You'renomoreavampirethanI'maKlahd.""It'salongstory.Let'sjustsayitseemedtobethelocaluniform.""Let'snot,"thedispatchergrinned."Pullupachair...freeofcharge,ofcourse.I'vegottimeandlotsof

questionsabouttheotherdimensions.Maybewecantradealittleinformationwhileyou'rehere."

ChapterSeven:

"Idon'tseeanythingthrillingaboutit!""—M.JACKSON"Ireallydon'tseehowyoucandrinkthatstuff,"Ide-clared,eyeingVilhelm'sgobletofblood."Funny,"hesmiledinreturn,"Iwasabouttosaythesamething.Imean,youknowwhatW.C.Fieldssaidaboutwater!""No.What?""Nowletmegetthisstraight,"GuidointerruptedbeforeIcouldgetanyanswer."You'resayin'youvam-pireguysdon'treallydrinkbloodfrompeople?""Oh,afewdo,"theDispatchersaidwithashrug."Butit'sanacquiredtaste,likesteaktartare.Somesayit'sagourmetdish,butIcouldneverstandthestuffmyself.I'llstickwiththeinexpensivedomesticvarietiesanynight."WewereallsprawledaroundtheDispatcher'sofficeatthispoint,sippingourrespectivedrinksandgettingintoaprettygoodrapsession.WehadpulledGuidoinoffdoorwatchandIhaddroppedourdisguisessomy57

58RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS59energyreservewasn'tbeingdrained.TheDispatcherhadplayedwithhisphones,callingfromonetotheother.Thenheputthemalldownandannouncedthathehadthemon"hold,"acuriousex-pressionsinceitwasthefirsttimeinhalfanhourhe

hadn'tbeenholdingone.Vilhelmhimselfwasturningouttobeapricelesssourceofinformation,and,aspromised,hadaseem-inglyinsatiablecuriosityaboutotherworldlythings."Thenhowdoyouaccountforallthevampireleg-endsaroundtheotherdimensions,"Masshasaidskepti-cally.TheDispatchermadeaface."Firstofall,you'vegottorealizewhoyou'redealingwith.MostoftheoneswhodoextensivetouringoutsideofLimboare'oldmoney'types.We'retalkingabouttheidlerich...andthatusuallyequatestoboredthrill-seekers.Workingstiffslikemecan'taffordtotakethatkindoftimeawayfromourjobs.Heck,Icanhardlymanagetogetmytwoweekseachyear.Anyway,therearealotmoreofusaroundthedimensionsthanyoumightrealize.It'sjustthatthelevel-headedonesarecontenttomaintainalowprofileandblendwiththenatives.Theycontentthemselveswiththebloodofdo-mesticlivestock,muchthewaywedohereathome.It'stheothersthatcausetheproblems.Likeanygroupoftourists,there'salwaysafewwhofeelthatjustbecausethey'reinanotherworldorcity,therulesdon'tapply...andthatincludescommonmannersandgoodtaste.They'retheoneswhostiruptroublebygettingthelo-calsupinarmsabout'bloodsuckingmonsters.'Ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter,youhumantypeshaveaprettybadrepyourselveshereinLimbo."Thatcaughtmyattention."Couldyouelaborateonthatlastpoint,Vilhelm?Whatproblemcouldthelocalshavewithus?"TheDispatcherlaughed."Thesameoneyouhumanshavewithusvampires.Whilehumansaren'ttheleadingcauseofdeathinvam-piresanymorethanvampiresarealeadingcauseofdeathinhumans,it'scertainlyoneofthemorepubli-cizedandsensationalwaystogo.""Isthatwhythefirstlocalswemettookofflikebatsoutofhell...ifyou'llpardontheexpression?"Massha

asked."You'vegotit.Ithinkyou'llfindthatthecitizensofBlutwillreactthesamewaytoyouthatyouwouldifyouranintoavampireinyourhomedimension.""Idon'tnoticeyoubein'particularlyscaredofus,"Guidosaidsuspiciously."Oneofthefewadvantagesofthisjob.Afterafewyearsof.monitoringtheotherdimensions,yougetprettyblaseaboutdemons.AsfarasIcantell,mostof'emarenoworsethansomeofthefolkswe'vegotaroundhere."Thiswasallveryinteresting,butIwasgettingalittlefidgetyaboutourmission."Sinceyouknowwearen'talleviloronapermanentvampirehunt,whatcanyoutellusaboutthemessAahzisin?Canyougiveusanyhelpthere?""Idunno,"theDispatchersaid,rubbinghisjawthoughtfully."UntilIfoundoutwhohewas,Iwasreadytobelievehewasguiltyassin.There'sanawfullotofevidenceagainsthim.""Suchas?"Ipressed."Well,hewascaughtwithastakeandmalletinhishand,andtherearetwoeyewitnesseswhosaytheysawhimkilloneofourcitizensandscatterhisdusttothewinds.""Waitaminute.Youmeanyouain'tgotnocorpus

60MYTH-INGPERSONS61RobertAsprindelecti?"Guidosaid,straighteninginhischair."Sorrytointerrupt.Boss,butyou'replayin*inmyalleynow.Thisissomethin'Iknowalittleabout.Youcan'tgoontrialformurderwithoutacorpse,knowwhatImean?""Maybewhereyoucomefrom,"Vilhelmcorrected,"butthingsgetalittledifferentwhenyou'redealing

withvampires.Ifwehadabody,orevenjustthepileofdust,wecouldrevivehiminnotimeflat.Asitis,theproblemiswhenthere'snobody...whenavampire'sbeenreducedtodustandthedustscattered.That'swhenit'simpossibletopull'embackintoafunctionalmode.""Butifthereisn'tabody,howdoyouknowthevic-timisdeadatall?"Iasked."There'stherub,"Vilhelmagreed."Butinthiscase,there'samatteroftwoeyewitnesses.""Twoof'em,eh?"Masshamurmuredthoughtfully."Wouldyouhappentohavedescriptionsofthesetwopeepers?""Saw'emmyself.Theywerebothoff-worlderslikeyourselves.Onewasayounggirl,theblondeandinno-centtype.Theotherwasaprettysleazy-lookingguy.Itwasherwhosoldusonthestory,really.Idon'tthinkanyonewouldhavebelievedhimifhesaidthatwere-wolveswerefurry."Myheartsank.IhadwantedverybadlytobelievethegirlwhohadwarnedusofAahz'sdangerwassomehowaninnocentbystanderintheproceedings.Nowitlookedasif...."Dothedescriptionssoundfamiliar,HotStuff?StillthinkGuidoandIwerebeingparanoidwhenwesaidthismightbeaset-up?Soundsliketheyframedyourpartner,thencamebackafteryoutocompletetheset."Iavoidedhereyes,staringhardatthewallmonitors."Theremightbeanotherexplanation,youknow."Myapprenticegaveoutabarkoflaughter."Ifthereis,I'mdyingtohearit.Faceit,HighRoller,anywayyoulookatitthesituationstinks.IftheycookedupaframethattightonGreenandScalyonsuchshortnotice,I'mdyingtoseewhatkindofatrapthey'vegotwaitingforyounowthatthey'vehadtimetogetreadybeforeinvitingyoutostepin."ItoccurredtomethatIhadneverbeenthatmouthywhenIwasanapprentice.ItalsooccurredtomethatnowIunderstoodwhyAahzhadgottensoangryonthe

rareoccasionswhenIhadvoicedanopinion...andtherarertimeswhenIwasright."IthinkImissedalapinthisconversationsome-where."Vilhelmfrowned."Itakeityouknowthewit-nesses?"MasshaproceededtobringtheDispatcheruptodate,withGuidogrowlingcounterpointtothetheme.ForonceIwasgladtoletthemdothetalking.Itgavemeachancetocollectmyscatteredthoughtsandtrytofor-mulateaplan.Whentheyfinished,Istillhadalongwaytogoonbothcounts."Imustadmit,viewedfromthelightofthisnewin-formation,thewholethingdoessoundalittlesuspi-cious,"thevampiresaidthoughtfully."Alittlesuspicious!"Masshasnorted."It'sphonierthanasmilingDeveel!""Tellyawhat,"Guidobegan,"justgiveusafewminutesalonewiththesewitnessesofyoursandwe'llshakethetruthoutof'em.""I'mafraidthatwillbealittledifficult,"theDis-patchersaid,eyeingtheceiling."Yousee,theyhaven'tbeenaroundforawhile.Disappearedrightafterthetrial."

62RobertAsprin"Thetrial!?"Isnapped,abandoningmyeffortstocollectmywits."Youmeanthetrial'salreadybeenheld?"Thevampirenodded."That'sright.Needlesstosay,yourfriendwasfoundguilty.""WhydoIgetthefeelinghedidn'tgetasuspendedsentenceforafirstoffense?"Guidogrowledunderhisbreath."Asamatteroffact,he'sbeenslatedforexecutionattheendoftheweek,"Vilhelmadmitted.

Thatgotmeoutofmyseatandpacing."We'vegottodosomething,"Isaidneedlessly."Howaboutit,Vilhelm?Canyouhelpusoutatall?Anychanceofgettingtheverdictreversedoratleastastayofexecution?""I'mafraidnot.Characterwitnessesalonewouldn'tchangeanything,andasfornewevidence,itwouldonlybeyourwordagainsttheexistingwitnesses...andyou'vealreadyadmittedthedefendantisafriendofyours.Mindyou,/believeyou,buttherearethosewhowouldsuspectyou'dsayanythingorfabricateanykindoftaletosaveyourpartner.""Butcanyoupersonallygiveusahand?""No,Ican't,"thevampiresaid,turningaway."Youallseemlikerealnicefolks,andyourfriendisprobablythesaltoftheearth,butIhavetolivehereanddealwiththesepeopleforalongtime.IfIsidedwithoutsidersagainstthetownlegalsystem,mywholecareerwouldgodownthedrainwhetherIwasrightornot.It'snotprettyandIdon'tlikeit,butthat'sthewaythingsare.""Wecouldfixitsoyoulikeitalotless!"Guidosaiddarkly,reachingintohiscoat."Stopit,Guido,"Iordered."Let'snotforgetthehelpVilhelm'salreadygivenus.It'salotmorethanwe

MYTH-INGPERSONS63expectedtogetwhenwefirstcameintothisdimension,sodon'tgomakingenemiesoutoftheonlyfriendwe*vegotlocally.Okay?"Thebodyguardsankbackintohischair,mutteringsomethingIwasjustasgladIdidn'thear,buthishandcameoutofhiscoatemptyandstayedinsight."Sowhatdowedonow.HotStuff?"Masshasighed."TheonlythingIcanthinkofistotrytolocatethosewitnessesbeforetheexecutiondate,"Isaid."WhatIcan'tfigureishowtogoaboutlookingwithoutgetting

halfthetowndownonournecks.""Whatwereallyneedisabloodhound,"Guidogrumbled."Say,that'snotabadidea!"Vilhelmexclaimed,comingtolife."MaybeIcanhelpyouafterall!""Yougotabloodhound?"thebodyguardsaid,rais-inghiseyebrows."Evenbetter,"thevampiredeclared."Idon'tknowwhyIdidn'tthinkofitbefore.TheonesyouneedtogetintouchwitharetheWoofWriters."Istudiedhim-carefullytoseeifthisweresomekindofjoke."TheWoofWriters?"Irepeatedatlast."Well,that'swhatweinBlutcallthembehindtheirbacks.Actually,they'reahusband-wifeteamofwere-wolveswhoareonabigcrusadetoraisesympathyforhumans.""Werewolves,"Isaidcarefully."Sure.WegotallkindshereinLimbo.Anyway,ifanyoneinthisdimensionwillbewillingtosticktheirnecksoutforyou,they'retheones.Theydotheirownthinganddon'treallygiveahangwhatanyoftheotherlocalsthinkaboutit.Besides,werewolvesaresecondtononewhenitcomestosniffingoutatrail.""Werewolves."

64RobertAsprinVilhelmcockedhisheadatmecuriously."AmIimaginingthings,Skeeve,ordidn'tyoujustsaythat?""What'smore,"Masshasmiledsweetly,"he'llprob-ablysayitagain.Itbearsrepeating.""Werewolves,"Isaidagain,justtosupportmyap-prentice."Boss,"Guidobegan,"Idon'twanttosaythis,butnobodysaidanythingaboutwerewolveswhenwe...."

"Good,"Iinterruptedbrusquely."Youdon'twanttosayit,andIdon'twanttohearit.Nowthatwe'reinagreement,let'sjustpassonitand....""ButBoss!Wecan'tteamupwithwerewolves.""Guido,wejustwentoverthis.We'reinatightspotandinastrangedimension.Wecan'taffordtobechoosyaboutourallies.""Youdon'tunderstand.Boss.I'mallergicto'em!"Isankdownintoachairandhidmyfaceinmyhands."Ithoughtyouwereallergictogarlic,"Isaidthroughmyfingers."That.too,"thebodyguardsaid."ButmostlyI'mallergictofurrythingslikekittiesorfurcoatsor....""...orwerewolves,"Masshafinishedforhim."Frankly,DarkandDeadly,onestartstowonderhowyou'vebeenabletofunctioneffectivelyalltheseyears.""Hey,itdoesn'tcomeupallthatoften,knowwhatImean?"Guidoargueddefensively."Howmanytimeshave.youbeenattackedbysomethin'furry?""NotasoftenasI'dlike!"Masshaleered."Enough,youtwo,"Iordered,raisingmyhead."Guido,haveyoueveractuallybeennearawerewolf?""Well,no.But....""Thenuntilweknowforsure,we'llassumeyou'renotallergictothem.Okay?Vilhelm,exactlywheredowefindtheseWoofWritersofyours?"

ChapterEight:

"First,let'sdecidewho'sleadingandwho'sfollowing."—F.ASTAIRE"BOSS,justwherethehellisPahkipsee?"Ifoundmyselfwonderingifallbodyguardsspentmostoftheirtimecomplaining,orifIhadjustgottenlucky."Look,Guido.YouwerethereandheardthesameinstructionsIdid.IfVilhelmwasright,itshouldbejustuptheroadhereacouplemoremiles.""...'aratherdeadbedroomcommunity,fitonlyforthosenotuptothefast-lanelife-styleofthebigcity,'"Masshaquotedinacloseimitationofthevampire'svoice.Guidosnickeredrudely."WhydoIgetthefeelingyoudidn'tparticularlywarmtoVilhelm,Massha?"Isuppressedagrinofmyown."Maybeit'sbecausehe'stheonlyguywe'vemetshehasn'tmadeapassat?"Guidosuggested.Masshafavoredhimwithanextendedtongueand65

66RobertAsprincrossedeyesbeforeanswering."Oh,Vilhelm'sokay,"shesaid."Kindacute,too...atleastthetopofhisheadwas.Andhedidadmitthatingeneralvampiresweremorepartialtocitiesandpartieswhilewerewolvespreferredtheback-to-natureatmosphereofruralliving.Ijustdidn'tlikethecrack,that'sall.Igrewuponafarm,youknow.Country

breakfastshavealottodowithmycurrentpanoramicphysique.Besides,somethinginsidesaysyoushouldn'ttrustasmilingvampire....oratleastyoushouldn'ttrusthimtoofar."IhadbeenabouttomentionthefactthatIhadgrownuponafarm,too,butwithheldtheinformation.Obvi-ously,farmfoodhadn'tparticularlyaffectedmyphy-sique,andIdidn'twanttorobmyapprenticeofherexcuse."Ifhehadwantedtodousharm,allhewouldhavehadtodowasblowthewhistleonuswhilewewerestillintown,"Ipointedout."Let'sjusttakethingsatfacevalueandassumehewasreallybeingasniceasheseemed...forallourpeaceofminds."IwishedIwasasconfidentasIsounded.Wewerealongwayoutintheboondocks,andifVilhelmhadwantedtosendusoffonawildgoosechase,hecouldn'thavepickedabetterdirectiontostartusoffin."Yeah,wellI'dfeelalotbetterifweweren'tbeingfollowed,"Guidogrumbled.Istoppedinmytracks.SodidMassha...inhertracks,thatis.Thebodyguardmanagedtostumbleintousbeforebringinghisownforwardprogresstoahalt."Whatisit,Boss?Somethingwrong?""Foraminutethere,IthoughtIheardyousaythatwewerebeingfollowed.""Yeah.SincewelefttheDispatcher's.Whydoes...youmeanyoudidn'tknow?"MYTH-INGPERSONS67Iresistedanimpulsetothrottlehim."No,Guido.Ididn'tknow.Yousee,mybodyguarddidn'ttellme.Hewastoobusycomplainingabouttheroadconditionstohavetimetomentionanythingastrivialassomeonefollowingus."Guidotookafewshakystepsbackward."Hey!C'mon,Boss.Don'tbelikethat.Ithoughtyouknew!Honest.Whoever'sbackthereisn'tdoin'suchahotjobofhidingthefactthatthey'redoggingourtrail.Anyidiotcould'vespotted...Imean...."

"Keepgoing,DarkandDeadly,"Masshaurged."You'rediggingyourselfinfurtherwitheveryword,incaseyouhadn'tnoticed."WithgreateffortIbroughtmyselfbackundercon-trol."Whatever,"Isaid."Idon'tsupposeyouhaveanyideawhoitis?""Naw.There'sonlyoneof'em.Unless...."Hisvoicetrailedoffintosilenceandhelookedsud-denlyworried."Outwithit,Guido.Unlesswhat?""Well,sometimeswhenyou'regettingreallytrickyabouttailingsomeone,youputonerealclumsypunkoutfrontso'stheycanbespottedwhileyoukeepyourrealace-hitterhidden.Ihadn'tstoppedtothinkofthatbefore.Thisturkeybehinduscouldbeadecoy,knowwhatImean?""Ithoughtyouuseddecoysforducks,notturkeys,"Masshascowled."Well,ifthat'swhat'shappening,thenwe'resittingducks,ifitmakesyoufeelanybetter.""Couldbothofyoujustbequietforafewminutesandletmethink?"Isaid,suddenlyimpatientwiththeirbanter."Well,maybeitisn'tsobad,"Guidosaidinadoubt-68MYTH-INGPERSONS69RobertAsprinfulvoice."I'mprettysureIwouldhavespottedtheback-upteamiftherewasone.""Ohsure,"Masshasneered."Comingoutofatownfullofvampiresthatcanchangethemselvesintomistwhenevertheywant.Ofcourseyou'dspotthem.""Hey.TheBossherecanchewonmeifhewants,butIdon'thavetotakethatfromyou.Youdidn'tevenspottheturkey,remember?""TheonlyturkeyIcanseeis....""Enough!"Iordered,havingarrivedatadecisiondespitetheirlackofcooperation."Wehavetofindout

forsurewho'sbehindusandwhattheywant.Thisisasgoodaplaceasany,soIsuggestweallretireintothebushesandwaitforourshadowtocatchupwithus....No,Massha.I'llbeoverherewithGuido.Youtaketheothersideoftheroad."Thatportionofmyplanhadlesstodowithmilitarystrategythanwithaneffortonmyparttopreservewhatlittlewasleftofmynerves.Ifiguredtheonlywaytoshutthetwoofthemupwastoseparatethem."I'msorry,Boss,"Guidowhisperedaswecrouchedsidebysideinthebrush."Ikeepforgettin'thatyouaren'tasintocrimeastheboysIusuallyrunwith."Well,Ihadbeenhalfright.Masshaontheothersideoftheroadwasbeingquiet,butaslongashehadsome-onetotalkto,Guidowasgoingtokeeponexpressinghisthoughtsandopinions.IwasstartingtounderstandwhyDonBruceinsistedondoingallthetalkingwhenthebodyguardswerearound.Encouragingemployeestospeakupasequalsdefinitelyhaditsdrawbacks."Willyoukeepyourvoicedown?"Itriedoncemore."Thisissupposedtobeanambush.""Don'tworryaboutthat.Boss.It'llbeawhilebe-foretheycatchup,andwhentheydo,I'llhear'embe-fore....""Isthatyou.Skeeve?"Thevoicecamefromthedarknessjustuptheroad.IgaveGuidomydarkestglare,andherewardeditwithanapologeticshrugthatdidn'tlookparticularlysinceretome.ThenitdawnedonmewhereIhadheardthatvoicebefore."Righthere,"Isaid,risingfrommycrouchandstep-pingontotheroad."We'vebeenwaitingforyou.Ithinkit'sabouttimewehadalittlechat."Asidefromcoveringmyembarrassmentoverhavingbeendiscovered,thathadtobemybestunderstatementinquiteawhile.ThelasttimeIhadseenthisparticularperson,shewaswarningmeaboutAahz'simprison-ment.

"Good."Shesteppedforwardtomeetme."That'swhyI'vebeenfollowingyou.Iwashopingwecould...."HerwordsstoppedabruptlyasGuidoandMassharosefromthebushesandmovedtojoinus."Well,lookwho'shere,"Masshasaid,flashingoneofherlesspleasantsmiles."Ifitisn'tthelittlebirdwhosangtothevampires,"Guidoleered,matchingmyapprentice'sthreateningtone.Thegirlfavoredthemwithawitheringglance,thenfacedmeagain."Iwashopingwecouldtalkalone.I'vegotalottosayandnotmuchtimetosayit.Itwouldgofasterifweweren'tinterrupted.""Notachance,Sweetheart,"Guidosnarled."I'mnotgoin'tolettheBossoutofmysightwithyouaround.""...besideswhich,I'vegotafewthingstotellyoumyself,"Masshaadded,"likewhatIthinkoffolkswho

70RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS71thinkframeslookbetteronpeoplethanonpaintings."Thegirl'seyesneverleftmine.Forallherbravado,IthoughtIcoulddetectintheirdepthsanappealforhelp."Please,"shesaidsoftly.Ifoughtabriefskirmishinmymind,and,asusual,commonsenselost."Allright.""WHAT!C'mon,Boss.Youcan'tlethergetyoualone!Ifherpalsarearound....""HotStuff,ifIhavetositonyou.youaren'tgoingto....""Look!"Isaid,wrenchingmyeyesawayfromthegirltoconfrontmymutinousstaff."We'llonlygoa

fewstepsdowntheroadthere,inplainsight.Ifany-thinghappensyou'llbeabletopitchinbeforeitgetsserious.""But....""...andyoucertainlycan'tthinkshe'sgoingtojumpme.Imean,it'sacinchsheisn'tcarryinganycon-cealedweapons."Thatwasafact.ShehadchangedoutfitssincethelasttimeIsawher,probablytofitinmorewiththeexoticgarbfavoredbytheparty-lovingvampires.ShewaswearingwhatI'veheardreferredtoasa"tanktop"whichlefthermidsectionandnaveldelightfullyex-posed,andtheopen-sidedskirt(ifyoucancalltwoflapsofcloththat)showedherlegsuppastherhips.Ifshehadaweaponwithher,shehadswallowedit.Eitherthat,or....Idraggedmythoughtsbacktotheargument."Thefactofthematteristhatsheisn'tgoingtotalkinfrontofacrowd.Now,amIgoingtogetachancetohearanotherviewpointaboutwhat'sgoingon,orarewegoingtokeepgropingaroundforinformationwithAahz'slifehanginginthebalance?"Mystafffellsilentandexchangedglances,eachwait-ingfortheothertoriskthenextblast."Well,okay,"Masshaagreedatlast."Butwatchyourself,HotStuff.Remember,poisoncancomeinprettybottles."So,undertheever-watchfulglaresofmyassistants,Iretiredafewstepsdowntheroadformyfirstwordsalonewith...."Say,whatisyourname,anyway?""Hmmm?Oh.I'mLuanna.Say,thanksforbackingmeup.That'saprettymean-lookingcrewyouhangaroundwith.Ihadheardyouhadafollowing,butIhadn'trealizedhownastytheywere.""Oh,they'reokayonceyougettoknowthem.Ifyouworkedwiththemonaday-to-daybasis,you'dfindoutthatthey...heck,noneofusarereallyasdangerousoreffectiveasthepublicityhypecutsusouttobe."

Iwassuddenlyawareofhereyesonme.Herexpres-sionwasstrange...sortofabitterhalf-smile."I'vealwaysheardthatreallypowerfulpeopletendedtounderstatewhattheycando,thattheydon'thavetobrag.Ineverreallybelievedituntilnow."Ireallydidn'tknowwhattosaytothat.Imean,myreputationhadgottenbigenoughthatIwasstartingtogetusedtobeingrecognizedandtalkedaboutattheBazaar,butwhatshewasdisplayingwasneitherfearnorenvy.Amongmyownsetoffriends,admirationorpraisewasalwayscarefullyhiddenwithinourownbrandofroughhumororteasing.Facedwiththeundi-lutedformofthesamething,Iwasatalossastohowtorespond."Ummm,whatwasityouwantedtotalktomeabout?"Herexpressionfellandshedroppedhereyes."Thisissoembarrassing.Pleasebepatientwithme,

72RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS73Skeeve...isitallrightifIcallyouSkeeve?Ihaven'thadmuchexperiencewithsaying'I'msorry'...heck,Ihaven'thadmuchexperiencewithpeopleatall.Justpartnersandpigeons.NowthatI'mhere,Ireallydon'tknowwhattosay.""Whydon'twestartatthebeginning?"Iwantedtoeaseherdiscomfort."DidyoureallyswindletheDeveelsbackattheBazaar?"Luannanoddedslowlywithoutraisinghereyes."That'swhatwedo.Mattandme.Thatandrunning,eventhoughIthinksometimeswe'rebetteratrunningthanworkingscams.Maybeifwewerebetteratconningpeople,wewouldn'tgetsomuchpracticeatrunning."Herwordsthuddedatmelikeapaddedhammer.I

hadwantedverybadlytohearthatshewasinnocentandthatithadallbeenamistake.Imean,shewassopretty,sosweet,Iwouldhavebetmylifethatshewasinnocent,yethereshewasopenlyadmittingherguilttome."Butwhy?"Imanagedatlast."Imean,howdidyougetinvolvedinswindlingpeopletobeginwith?"Hersoftshouldersroseandfellinahelplessshrug."Idon'tknow.ItseemedlikeagoodideawhenMattfirstexplainedittome.Iwasdyingtogetawayfromthefarm,butIdidn'tknowhowtodoanythingbutfarm-workforaliving...untilMattexplainedtomehoweasyitwastogetmoneyawayfrompeoplebyplayingontheirgreed.'Promisethemsomethingfornothing,'hesaid,'orforsolittlethattheythinkthey'reswindlingyou.'Whenheputitthatway,itdidn'tseemsobad.Itwasmoreamatterofbeingsmartenoughtotrickpeoplewhothoughttheyweretakingadvantageofyou.""...bysellingthemmagicalitemsthatweren't."Ifinishedforher."Tellme,whydidn'tyoujustgointothemagictradeforreal?"Herheadcameup,andIcaughtaquickflashoffireinhersadblueeyes."Wedidn'tknowanymagic,sowehadtofakeit.Youprobablycan'tunderstandthat,sinceyou'retherealMcCoy.IknewthatthefirsttimeIsawyouatPos-sletum.WeweregoingtotrytofakeourwayintotheCourtMagicianspotuntilyoushowedupandflashedabitofrealmagicatthecrown.EvenMatthadtoadmitthatwewereoutclassed,andwekindoffadedbackbe-foreanyoneaskedustoshowwhatwecoulddo.IthinkitwasthenthatI...."Shebrokeoff,givingmeastartled,guiltylookasifshehadbeenabouttosaysomethingsheshouldn't."Goon,"Iurged,mycuriositypiqued."It'snothing,really,"shesaidhastily."Nowit'syourturn.SinceI'vetoldyoumystory,maybeyouwon'tmindmeaskinghowyougotstartedasamagi-cian."Thatsetmebackabit.Likeher,Ihadbeenraisedon

afarm.Ihadrunaway,though,planningtoseekmyfortuneasamasterthief,anditwasonlymychancemeetingwithmyoldteacherGarkinandeventuallyAahzthathaddivertedmycareergoalstowardmagic.Inhindsight,mymotiveswerenotdiscerniblybetterthanhers,butIdidn'twanttoadmititjustnow.IkindoflikedthewayshelookedatmewhilelaboringundertheillusionthatIwassomeonenobleandspecial."That'stoolongataletogointojustnow,"Isaidbrusquely."TherearestillafewmoreanswersI'dlikefromyou.HowcomeyouusedourplaceasagetawayroutefromDeva?""Oh,thatwasVic'sidea.WeteamedupwithhimjustbeforewestartedworkingourconattheBazaar.Whenitlookedlikethescamwasstartingtoturnsour,hesaid

74RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS75heknewaway-offdimensionthatnoonewouldbewatching.MattandIdidn'tevenknowitwasyourplaceuntilyourdoormanaskedifweweretheretoseeyou.Mattwassoscaredabouthavingtotanglewithyouthathewantedtoforgetthewholethingandfindanotherwayout,butVicshowedusthedooranditlookedsoeasywejustwentalongwithhim.""Ofcourse,itneveroccurredtoyouthatwe'dgetstuckwiththejoboftryingtobringyouback.""Youbetterbelieveitoccurredtous.Imean,wedidn'tthinkyou'dhavetodoit.Weexpectedyou'dbemadatusforgettingyouinvolvedandcomeafterusyourself.Vickeptsayingthatweshouldn'tworry,thatifyoufoundushereinLimbohecouldfixitsoyouwouldn'tbeabletotakeusback.Ididn'tknowhewasthinkingaboutsettingupaframeuntilhesprangitonyourpartner."Itriedtoletthisconsoleme,butitdidn'twork."InoticethatonceyoufoundoutthatAahzwas

beingframed,youstillwentalongwithit.""Well...Ididn'twantto,butVickeptsayingthatifyoutwowereasgoodaseveryonesaid,thatyourpartnercouldgetoutofjailbyhimself.Wefiguredthathe'descapebeforetheexecution,butwiththewholedimensionhuntinghimasafugitivethathe'dbetoobusyrunningforhometobotheraboutcatchingus."IwasstartingtogetrealanxioustomeetthisguyVic.Italsooccurredtomethatofallthepotentialproblemsourgrowingreputationcouldbringdownonus,thiswasonewehadneverexpected."Andyoubelievedhim?"Luannamadeaface,thenshrugged."Well...you'resupposedtobeabletodosomeprettyincrediblethings,andIdon'twantyoutothinkIdon'tbelieveinyourabilities,butIwasworriedenoughthatIsneakedbacktoletyouknowwhatwasgoingon...justincase."Itwasalmostfunnythatshewasapologizingforgiv-ingusthewarning.Almost,butnotquite.Mymindkeptrunningoverwhatmighthavehappenedifshehadbelievedinmecompletely."IguessmyonlyotherquestioniswhoisthiscitizenthatAahzissupposedtohavekilled?""Didn'tanybodytellyou?"sheblinked."It'sVic.He'sfromthisdimension...youknow,avampire.Anyway,he'shidingoutuntilthewholething'sresolvedonewayoranother.Idon'tthinkevenMattknowswhereheis.Vampiresarenormallysuspicious,andafterIsneakedoutthefirsttime,he'sevengottencageyaroundus.Hejustdropsinfromtimetotimetoseehowwe'redoing."NowIknewIwantedtomeetfriendVic.IfIwaslucky,I'dmeethimbeforeAahzdid."Well,Idoappreciateyoufillingmeinontheprob-lem.Now,ifyou'lljustcomebacktoBlutwithusandexplainthingstotheauthorities,mygratitudewillbecomplete."LuannastartedasifIhadstuckherwithapin.

"Holdonaminute!Whosaidanythingaboutgoingtotheauthorities?Ican'tdothat!Thatwouldbedou-blecrossingmypartners.Idon'twanttoseeyouoryourfriendsgethurt,butIcan'tsacrificemyowntosavethem."Anhonestcrookisbothincongruousandinfuriating.Aahzhadoftenpointedthisouttomewhensomepointinmyethickeptmefromgoingalongwithoneofhisschemes,andnowIwasstartingtounderstandwhathewastalkingabout."Butthenwhyareyouhere?""Iwantedtowarnyou.Vichasbeenthinkingthat

76RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS77youmightcomeintoLimboafteryourpartner,andhe'ssettingupsomekindoftrapifyoudid.Ifhewasright,Ithoughtyoushouldknowthatyou'rewalkingintotrouble.Ifiguredthatifyoucame,you'dlookuptheDispatcher,soIwaitedthereandfollowedyouwhenyoushowedup.Ijustwantedtowarnyouisall.Thatand...."ShedroppedhereyesagainandloweredhervoiceuntilIcouldhardlyhearher."...Iwantedtoseeyouagain.Iknowit'ssilly,but...."Asflatteringasitwas,thistimeIwasunimpressed."Yeah,sure."Iinterrupted."You'resointerestedinmeyou'rewillingtoletmypartnersitonamurderrapjustsoyoucanwatchmegothroughmypaces.""Ialreadyexplainedaboutthat,"shesaidfiercely,steppingforwardtolayahandonmyarm.Istaredatitpointedlyuntilsheremovedit."Well,"shesaidinasmallvoice."Icanseethatthere'snothingmoreIcansay.But,Skeeve?Promisemethatyouwon'tfollowmewhenIleave?Youoryourfriends?Itookabigriskfindingyou.Pleasedon'tmake

meregretit."Istaredatherforalongmoment,thenlookedawayandnodded."Iknowyou'redisappointedinme,Skeeve,"camehervoice,"butIcan'tgoagainstmypartners.Haven't"youeverhadtodosomethingyoudidn'twanttodotosupportyourpartner?"Thathithome...painfully."Yes,Ihave,"Isaid,drawingaraggedbreath."I'msorry,Luanna.I'mjustWorriedaboutAahz,that'sall.Tellyouwhat.Justtoshowthere'renohardfeelings,canIhaveatokenorsomething?Somethingtoremem-beryoubyuntilIseeyouagain?"Shehesitated,thenpulledagossamer-thinscarffromsomewhereinsideheroutfit.Steppingclose,shetuckeditintomytunic,thenroseonhertiptoesandkissedmesoftly."It'sniceofyoutoask,"shesaid."EvenifIdon'tmeananythingtoyouatall,it'sniceofyoutoask."Withthat,sheturnedandsprintedoffdowntheroadintothedarkness.Istaredafterher."You'relettinghergo!?"SuddenlyMasshawasatmyside,flankedbyGuido."C'mon,Boss.Wegottacatchher.She'syourpartner'sticketoffdeathrow.Where'sshegoin'?""Tomeetupwithherpartnersincrime,"Isaid."IncludingasurprisinglylivelyguynamedVic...surprisingsincehe'stheonethatAahzissupposedtohavekilled.""Sowecancatch'emalltogether.Nicework,HotStuff.Okay,let'sfollowherand....""No!""Whynot?""BecauseIpromisedher."Therewasadeathlysilenceasmyassistantsdigestedthisinformation."SoshewalksandGreenandScalydies,isthatit?""You'resellin'outyourpartnerforaskirt?That

mustabeensomekiss."Islowlyturnedtofacethem,and,madastheywere,theyfellsilent."Nowlistenclose,"Isaidquietly,"becauseI'mnotgoingtogooveritagain.Ifwetriedtofollowherbacktotheirhideout,andshespottedus,she'dleadusonawildgoosechaseandwe'dnevercatchupwiththem...andweneedthatso-calledcorpse.Idon'tthinkhertestimonyalonewillswingtheverdict."

RobertAsprin78"ButBoss,ifwelethergetaway....""We'llfindthem,"Isaid."Withoutusdoggingherfootsteps,she'llheadrightbacktoherpartners.""Buthowwillwe...."Inanswer,IpulledLuanna'sscarffrommytunic."Fortunately,shewaskindenoughtoprovideuswithameanstotrackher,oncewerecruitthenecessarywere-wolf."Guidogavemybackaslapthatalmoststaggeredme."Waytogo,Boss,"hecrowed."Youreallyhadmegoin'foraminute.Ithoughtthatchickiehadreallysnowedyou."IlookeduptofindMasshaeyeingmesuspiciously."Thatwasquiteakiss.HotStuff,"shesaid."IfIdidn'tknowbetter,I'dthinkthatyoungladyismorethanalittlestuckonyou...andyoujusttookadvantageofit."Iavertedmyeyes,andfoundmyselfstaringdowntheroadagain."Asawisewomanoncetoldme,"Isaid,"sometimesyouhavetodothingsyoudon'tliketosupportyourpartner....Now,let'sgofindtheseWoofWriters."

ChapterNine:

"MycolleaguesandIfeelthatindepend-entslikeElfQuestarenothingbutsheepinwolves'clothing!"-S.LEETHEWoofWritersturnedouttobemuchmorepleas-antthanIhaddaredhope,whichwasfortunateasmywerewolfdisguisesweresomeoftheshakiestI'deverdone.Guidowasindeedallergictowerewolvesasfeared(hestartedsneezingahundredyardsfromtheirhouse)andwaswaitingoutside,buteventryingtomaintaintwodisguiseswasprovingtobeastrainonmypowersinthismagic-poordimension.Iattemptedtolessenthedrainbykeepingthechangesminimal,butonlysuc-ceededinmakingthemincrediblyunconvincingeventhoughmyassistantsassuredmetheywerefine.Nomatterwhatanyonetellsyou,believe,me,pointyearsalonedonotwolfmake.YoumightwonderwhyIbotheredwithdiguisesatall?Well,frankly,weweregettingalittlenervous.Everyonewehadtalkedtoorbeenreferredtointhisdimensionwassonice\Wekeptwaitingfortheothershoetodrop.Allofourtalksanddiscussionsofpos-80RobertAsprinsibletrapshadmadeussoskittishthatwewerenowconvincedthattherewasgoingtobeadouble-crosssomewherealongtheway.Theonlyquestioninourmindswaswhenandbywhom.Withthatinmind,wedecideditwouldbebesttotrytopassourselvesoffaswerewolvesuntilweknewforsuretheWoofWriterswereaswell-disposedtowardhumansasVilhelmsaidtheywere.Thetheorywasthatiftheyweren't,thedisguisesmightgiveusachancetogetoutagainbeforeourtruenaturewasexposed.TheonlydifficultywiththatplanwasthatIhadneverseena

werewolfinmylife,sonotonlywasIworkingwithashortage-ofenergy,Iwasunsureastowhatthefinalresultshouldlooklike.Asitturnedout,despitetheirknowledgeableadvice,mystaffdidn'tknoweither.Whilewe'reansweringquestionsfromtheaudience,youmightask,ifneitherInormyassistantsknewwhatawerewolflookedlike,howIknewthedisguiseswereinadequate?Simple.Ideducedthefactafteronelookatrealwerewolves.ThatandtheWoofWriterstoldmeso.Didn'tItellyoutheyweregreatfolks?Ofcourse,theyletussweatforawhilebeforeadmittingthattheyknewwewerepoorlydisguisedhumansallalong,butImyselftendtocreditthattotheirdubioussenseofhumor.It'sMasshawhoinsistsitwasblatantsadism.Ofcourse,shewastheonewhohadtoeatabonebeforetheyacknowl-edgedthejoke.Anyway,IwastalkingabouttheWoofWriters.ItwasinterestinginthatIhadneverhadmuchopportu-nitytowatchahusband-wifeteaminactionbefore(myparentsdon'tcount).Theclosestthingtothephenom-enonIhadwitnessedwasthebrother-sisterteamofTanandaandChumley,buttheyspentmostoftheirconversationaltimetryingto"one-down"eachother.MYTH-INGPERSONS81TheWoofWriters,incontrast,seemedtotaketurnsplaying"crazypartner-sanepartner."Theyneveraskedmyopinion,butIfeltthatshewasmuchbetteratplay-ingthecrazythanhe.Hewassogoodatplayingthestraightthatwhenhedidslipintocrazymode.italwayscameasasurprise."Really,dear,"IdnewwassayingtoMassha,"wouldn'tyouliketoslipoutofthatridiculousdisguiseintosomethingmorecomfortable?Awerewolfwithonlytwobreastslookssosilly.""Idnew,"herhusbandsaidsternly,"you'remakingourguestsuncomfortable.Noteveryonefeelsaseasyaboutdiscussingtheirbodiesasyoudo.""It'stheartistinme,"shereturned,"Andbesides,Drahcir,whowasitthatsetheruptoeatabone?—and

anoldoneatthat.Ifyouwerealittlemoreconscien-tiouswhenyoudidtheshoppinginsteadofstockinguponjunkfood....""Oh,don'tworryaboutme.HairyandHandsome,"Masshaintercededsmoothly,droppingintohervamprole."I'vegotnoproblemsdiscussingmybody,aslongaswegetequaltimetotalkaboutyours.I'vealwayslikedmymenwithalotoffacialhair,ifyougetmydrift."InoticedIdnew'searsflattenforamomentbeforereturningtotheirnormaluprightposition.Whileitmayhavebeennothingmorethananervoustwitch,itoc-curredtomethatifweweregoingtosolicithelpfromthesetwo,itmightnotbewisetofananyembersofjealousythatmightbelyingabout."Tellme,"Isaidhastily,eagertogetthesubjectawayfromMassha'sobviousadmirationofDrahcir,"Whatgotyoustartedcampaigningforbetterrelation-shipsbetweenhumansandwerewolves?"82RobertAsprin"Well,thereweremanyfactorsinvolved,"Drahcirexplained,droppingintothelecturermodeIhadgrowntoknowsowellinsuchashorttime."Ithinkthemostimportantthingtokeepinmindisthatthebadreputa-tionhumanshaveisvastlyoverrated.Thereisactuallyverylittledocumentedevidencetosupportthelegendsofhumanmisconduct.Forthemostpart,werewolvestendtoforgetthat,undertheproperconditions,weturnintohumans.Mostofthemareafraidorembarrassedandhidethemselvesawayuntilitpasses,butIdnewandIdon't.Ifanythingwegenerallyseizetheopportunitytogooutandaboutandgetthepublicusedtoseeingharmlesshumansintheirmidst.Justbetweenus,though,IthinkIdnewherelikestodoitbecauseitscaresthehelloutoffolkstobesuddenlyconfrontedbyahumanwhentheyaren'texpectingit.Incaseyouhaven'tnoticed,there'sastrongexhibitioniststreakinmywife.Formyself,it'ssimplyaworthycausethat'sbeenneglectedforfartoolong."

"Theotherfactor,whichmyhusbandhasneglectedtomention,"Idnewputinimpishly,"isthatthere'salotofmoneyinit.""Thereis?"Iasked.MyworkwithAahzhadtrainedmetospotprofitop-portunitieswhereotherssawnone,butthistimethespecificanglehadeludedme."There...umm...arecertainrevenuestobegleanedfromourcampaign,"Drahcirsaiduneasily,shootingadarkglanceathiswife."T-shirts,bumperstickers,leadminiatures,fanclubdues,greetingcards,andcalendars,justtonameafew.It'sadirtyjob,butsomebody'sgottodoit.Lestmywifeleaveyouwiththewrongimpressionofme,however,letmepointoutthatI'msupportingthisparticularcausebecauseIreallybelieveinit.Therearelotsofwaystomakemoney."MYTH-INGPERSONS83"...andheknowsthemall,don'tyoudear?"Idnewsaidwithasmile."Really?"Iinterruptedeagerly."Wouldyoumindrunningoverafew?CouldItakenotes?""Beforeyougetcarriedaway,HighRoller,"Masshawarned,"rememberwhywecamehereoriginally.""Oh!Right!Thanks,Massha.ForaminutethereI...Right!"Ittookmeafewsecondstorechannelmythoughts.WhileAahz'straininghasgottenmeoutofalotoftightspotsandgenerallyimprovedmystandardofliving,therearesomeunfortunatesideeffects.OnceIgotmymindbackontherighttrack,Iquicklyfilledthewerewolvesinonourcurrentproblem.Ikeptthedetailssketchy,bothbecauseIwasgettingtiredofgoingbackandforthoverthesamebeginning,andtokeepfromhavingtoelaborateonLuanna'spartincaus-ingourdilemma.Still,theWoofWritersseemedquiteenthralledbythetale,andlistenedattentivelyuntilIwasdone."Gee,you'rereallyinaspot,"IdnewsaidwhenIfinallygroundtoahalt."Ifthere'sanythingwecando

tohelp....""Wecan't,"Drahcirtoldusfirmly."You'rebehindonyourdeadlines,Idnew,andI'vegotthreemoreap-pearancesthismonth...nottomentionansweringthemailthat'spiledupthelasttwoweekendsI'vebeengone.""Drahcir...."Idnewsaid,drawingouthisname."Don'tlookatmelikethat,dear,"herhusbandarguedbeforeshehadevenstartedhercase,"anddon'tcockyourhead,either.Someone'sliabletoshoveagramophoneunderit.Remember,you'retheonewhokeepspointingoutthatwehavetoputmoretimeintoourwork."84RobertAsprin"Iwastalkingaboutcuttingbackonyourpersonalappearances,"Idnewargued."Besides,thisisimpor-tant.""So'smeetingourdeadlines.I'massympathetictotheirproblemasyouare,butwecan'tlettheplightofonesmallgroupofhumansinterferewithourworkonthebigpicture.""Butyou'retheonewhoinsiststhatdeadlinesaren'tasimportantas...."Shebrokeoffsuddenlyandsemaphoredherearstowardherhusband."Waitaminute.Anytimeyoustarttalkingabout'bigpictures'and'grandcrusades'...isourbankac-countlowagain?"Drahciravertedhiseyesandshiftedhisfeetuncom-fortably."Well,Iwasgoingtotellyou,butIwasafraiditmightdistractyouwhileyouweretryingtowork....""Allright.Let'shaveit,"hiswifegrowled,herhacklesrisingslightly."Whatisityou'veinvestedourmoneyinthistime?''Iwassuddenlyveryuncomfortable.Ourlittlediscus-sionseemedtobedissolvingintoafamilyfightIfeltIhadnobusinessbeingpresentfor.ApparentlyMassha

feltthesamething."Well,ifyoucan'thelpus,that'sthat,"shesaid,get-tingtoherfeet."Noproblem.Afavor'snotafavorifyouhavetobearguedintoit.C'mon,HotStuff.We'rewastingourtimeandtheirs."ThoughinpartIagreedwithher,desperationpromptedmetomakeonelasttry."Notsofast,Massha.Drahcirisright.Time'smoney.Maybewecouldworkoutsomekindofafeetocompensatethemfortheirtimeinhelpingus.Thenit'snotafavor,it'sabusinessdeal.Faceit,wereallyneedMYTH-INGPERSONS85theirhelpinthis.TheoddsofusfindingthisVicchar-acteronourownareprettyslim."Aahzwouldhavefainteddeadawayifhehadheardmeadmittinghowmuchweneededhelpbeforethefeewasset,butthatreactionwasnothingcomparedtohowtheWoofWriterstookmyoffer."Whatdidyousay?"Drahcirdemanded,risingtoallfourswithhisearsback."Isaidthatmaybeyou'dhelpusifweofferedtopayyou,"Irepeated,backingawayslightly."Ididn'tmeantoinsultyou....""Youcan'tinsultDrahcirwithmoney,"hiswifesnapped."HemeantwhatdidyousayaboutVic?""Didn'tImentionhimbefore?"Ifrowned."He'sthevampirethatAahzissupposedtohave...."Therewasasuddenloudflappingsoundintheraftersaboveourheads,likesomeonenoisilyshakinganews-papertoscareacatoffatable.Itworked...notonthecat(Idon'tthinkthewerewolvesownedone)butonMasshaandme.Myapprenticehitthefloor,coveringherheadwithherhands,whileI,moreusedtosuddendangerandbeingmoresvelteandagile,dovebeneaththecoffeetable.Bythetimewerecoveredfromourpanicky...excuseme,ourshrewddefensivemaneuvers,therewasnothingtoseeexceptthevagueshapeofsomeonewithhugewingsdisappearingoutthefrontdoor.

"Thisone'sallyours,dear,"Drahcirsaidfirmly,hispostureerectandunmoveddespitethesuddenactivity."Comeon,honey,"hiswifepleaded."You'resomuchbetteratexplainingthings.You'resupposedtohelpmeoutwhenitcomestotalkingtopeople.""It'saskillIpolishedatthosepersonalappearancesyou'resocriticalof,"heretortedstiffly."Wouldsomebodytellmewhat'sgoingon?"Isaid86RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS87intonesmuchlouderthanIusuallyusewhenI'maguestinsomeone'shome.BeforeIcouldgetananswer,thedoorburstopenagainutterlydestroyingwhatlittlewasleftofmynerv-oussystem."Hey,Boss!Didyous—se—Wha—wa....""Outside,Guido!"Iordered,gladtohavesomeoneIcouldshoutatwithoutfeelingguilty."Blowyournose...andI'mfine,thanks!Niceofyoutoask!"Bythetimemybodyguardhadstaggeredbackout-side,hisfacehalfburiedinahandkerchief,Ihadman-agedtoregainmostofmycomposure."Sorryfortheinterruption,"IsaidasnonchalantlyasIcould,"butmycolleaguedoesraiseaninteresting!question.Whatwasthat?''"Scary?"Masshasuggested.ApparentlyshehadrecoveredhercomposurealittlebetterthanIhad.Iclosedmyeyesandreflectedagainontherelativevalueofcheekyapprentices."That,"Drahcirsaidloftily,barelyintimetokeepmefrommyassistant'sthroat,"wasVic...oneofmywife'sweirdartistfriendswhodroppedinunannouncedforaprolongedstayand,unlessImissmyguess,thecriminalyou'relookingforwhoframedyourpartner.""Hewasn'treallyafriendofmine,"Idnewputininasmallvoice."Justafriendofafriend,really.Weirdartisttypestendtosticktogetherandpassaroundthelocationsofcrashspaces.Hewasjustanothercharitycasedownonhisluckwho....""...whoiscurrentlywinginghiswaybacktohisac-

complicewiththenewsthatwe'reontheirtrail,"Ifinishedwithagrimace."Isn'tthat'accomplices'asinplural?"Masshaaskedsoftly.Iignoredher."Oh,Drahcir,"Idnewsaid,"nowwehavetohelpthem.It'stheonlywaywecanmakeupforhavingpro-videdahideoutfortheverypersontheyweretryingtofind.""IfImightpointout,"herhusbandreplied,"we'vebarelymetthesepeople.Wedon'treallyowethemanexplanation,muchlessanyhelp.Besides,youstillhaveadeadlinetomeetand....""Drahcir!"Idnewinterrupted."ItcouldgetreallonelysleepingintheoldkennelwhileIworkdayandnightonadeadline,ifyoucatchmymeaning.""Now,dear,"Drahcirsaid,sidlinguptohiswife,"beforeyougogettingintoasnit,hearmeout.I'vebeenthinkingitoverandIthinkthere'sawaywecanprovideassistancewithoutbitingintoourownsched-ules.Imean,wedohaveafriend...onewholivesalittlenorthofhere...who'stemporarilybetweenas-signmentsandcouldusethework.I'msurehe'dbewill-ingtodoalittletrackingforthematafractionofthefeethatwe'dchargeforthesameservice."Hewasobviouslytalkingintheveiledreferencespart-nersusetocommunicateorcheckideasinfrontofstrangers,ashiswordswentcompletelyovermyhead,butdrewanimmediatereactionfromIdnew."Oh,Drahcir!"sheexclaimedexcitedly,alltraceofherearlierangergone."That'sperfect!Andhe'lljustloveMassha.""There'sstillthequestionofwhetherornotwecangethimhereintime,"herhusbandcautioned."AndofcourseI'llwantapercentageoffthetopasafinder'sfee....""WHAT!"Iexclaimed."Iagree,"Idnewsaidfirmly."Afinder'sfeeisto-tally...."

"No!Beforethat,"Iurged."Whatdidyousay

88RobertAsprinabouttherenotbeingenoughtime?Ithoughttheexecu-tionwasn'tscheduleduntiltheendoftheweek!""That'sright,"Drahcirsaid."Buttheendoftheweekistomorrow.Yourfriendisslatedtobeexecutedathighmidnight.""C'mon,Massha,"Iordered,headingforthedoor."We'reheadingbacktoBlut.""Whatfor?"shedemanded."Whatcanwedowith-outatracker?""We'vetriedbeingniceaboutthis,anditisn'twork-ing,"Irespondedgrimly."Nowwedoittheotherway.Youwantedaction,apprentice?Howdoyoufeelaboutgivingmeahandwithalittlejailbreak?"

ChapterTen:

"What'swrongwithalittleharmlesscrimeonceinawhile?"—M.BLAISE"BUTI'mtellingyou,Boss,jailbreakisabadrap.Withyouoperatingatonlyhalfpowerinthemagicdepart-ment,there'snotellin'whatcangowrong,andthen....""Beforewegetallworkedupaboutwhatcangowrong,Guido,"Isaid,tryingtosalvagesomethingcon-structiveoutoftheconversation,"couldyougivemealittleinformationonexactlyhowharditistobreaksomeoneoutofjail?Orhaven'tyoubeeninvolvedinanyjailbreaks,either?""OfcourseI'vebeenalongonsomejailbreaks,"thebodyguarddeclared,drawinghimselfupproudly."I'vebeenanaccompliceonthreejailbreaks.WhatkindofMobmemberdoyoutakemefor,anyway?"WithaheroiceffortIresistedthetemptationtoan-swerthatparticularrhetoricalquestion."Okay.Sohowaboutafewpointers?Thisismyfirstjailbreak,andIwantittogoright."8990RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS91Iwasallsettosettleinforafairlylengthylecture,butinsteadoflaunchingintothesubject,Guidolookedabituncomfortable."Umm...actually,Boss,Idon'tthinkyou'dwanttouseanyoftheplansIfollowed.Yousee,allthreeof'emwerebusts.Noneof'emworked,andintwoofthecapers,theguyweweretryin'tosavegotkilled.That'showIknowaboutwhatabadrapajailbreakis,knowwhatImean?""Oh,swell!Justswell!Tellme.Misterbodyguard,withyourallergiesandzero-for-threerecordatjail-

break,didyoueverdoanythingfortheMobthatworked?"Agentlehandfellonmyshoulderfrombehind."Hey!Easeupalittle.HighRoller,"Masshasaidsoftly."Iknowyou'reworriedaboutyourpartner,butdon'ttakeitoutonGuido...orme,either,forthatmatter.Wemaynotbemuch,butwe'rehereandtryingtohelpasbestwecanwhenwe'dbothjustassoonbebac.kattheBazaar.You'reinabadenoughspotwith-outstartingatwo-frontwarbyturningonyourallies."Istartedtosnapather,butcaughtmyselfintime.Instead,Idrewalongraggedbreathandblewitoutslowly.Shewasright.Mynerveswerestretchedtothebreakingpoint....hichservedmerightfornotfollow-ingmyownadvice.WewerecurrentlyholedupattheDispatcher's,theonlyplaceIcouldthinkofforanin-townbaseofoperations,andassoonaswehadarrived,IhadinsistedthatbothMasshaandGuidogrababitofsleep.WehadbeengoingnonstopeversincesteppingthroughthedoorintoLimbo,andIfiguredthatthetroopswouldneedalltheresttheycouldgetbeforewetriedtospringAahz.Ofcourse,onceIhadconvincedthemofthenecessityofrackingout,Ipromptlyignoredmyownwisdomandstayedupthinkingfortheduration.TherationalizationIusedforthisinsaneactionwasthatIwantedsomeextratimeuninterruptedtorechargemyinternalbatteries,sowhateverminimalmagicIhadatmydisposalwouldbereadyforourefforts.Inac-tuality,whatIdidwasworry.WhileIhadindeedtakenpartinseveralcriminalactivitiessinceteamingupwithAahz,theyhadallbeenplannedbyeitherAahzorTan-anda.Thiswasmyfirsttimetogetinvolvedinmaster-mindingacaper,andthestakeswerehigh.NotonlyAahz'sbutMassha'sandGuide'sfutureswereridingonmysuccessfuldebut,andmyconfidencelevelwasatanalltimelow.Aftermuchpondering,IhaddecidedtoswallowmyprideandleanheavilyonGuide'sexpertise,whichwaswhyithitmesohardwhenIdiscoveredthat

heknewevenlessaboutsuccessfuljailbreaksthanI."Sorry,Guido,"Isaid,tryingtorestructuremythinking."IguessI'mmoretiredthanIrealized.Didn'tmeantosnapatyou.""Don'tworry.Boss,"thebodyguardgrinned."I'vebeenexpectin'it.AllthebigoperatorsI'veworkedwithgetalittlecrabbywhentheheat'son.Ifanything,yourtempergettin'shortisthebestthingI'veseensincewestartedthiscaper.That'swhyI'vebeensojumpymy-self.Iwasn'tsureifyouweren'ttakingthejobseri-ously,orifyouwerejusttoodumbtoknowthekindofoddswewereupagainst.Nowthatyou'reactingnormalforthesituation,Ifeelalotbetterabouthowit'sgoin'tocomeoutintheend."Terrific!NowthatIwasattheendofmyrope,oureternalpessimistthoughtthingsweregoinggreat."Okay,"Isaid,rubbingmyforeheadwithonefin-ger,"wehaven'tgotmuchinformationtogoon,andwhatwedoknowisbad.AccordingtoVilhelm,Aahzisbeingheldinthemostescape-proofcelltheyhave,

92RobertAsprinwhichisthetopfloorofthehighesttowerintown.Ifwetrytotakehimfromtheinside,we'regoingtohavetofoolorfighteveryguardonthewayupanddown.Tome,thatmeansourbestbetistospringhimfromtheoutside."Myassistantsnoddedvigorously,theirfacesasen-thusiasticasifIhadjustsaidsomethingstartlinglyoriginalandclever."Now,withmypowersatlowebb.Idon'tthinkIcanlevitatethatfarandspringthecell.Massha,doyouhaveanythinginyourjewelrycollectionthatwouldworkforropeandclimbinghooks?''"N—no,"shesaidhesitantly,whichsurprisedme.Sheusuallyhadacompleteinventoryofhernasty

prettiesonthetipofhertongue."Isawacoilofropehangin'justinsidethedoor,"Guidosupplied."Inoticedit,too,"Iacknowledged,"butitisn'tnearlylongenough.We'lljusthavetouseupmypowergettinguptothecellandfiguresomeotherwayofopeningthewindow.""Ummm...youdon'thavetodothat.HighRoller,"Masshasaidwithasigh."I'vegotsomethingwecanuse.""What'sthat?""ThebeltI'mwearingwithallmygearhungonit.It'salevitationbelt.Thecontrolsaren'thorriblyreli-able,butitshoulddotogetustothetopofthetower."Icockedaneyebrowatmyapprentice."Waitaminute,Massha.Whydidn'tyoumentionthiswhenIasked?"Shelookedawayquickly."Youdidn'taskaboutabelt.Onlyaboutropeandclimbinghooks."MYTH-INGPERSONS93"SincewhendoIhavetoaskyouspecificquestions...oranyquestions,forthatmatter,togetyourin-put?""Allright,"shesighed."Ifyoureallywanttoknow,Iwashopingwecouldfindawaytodothiswithoutusingthebelt.""Why?""Itembarrassesme.""Itwhat?""Itembarrassesme.Ilooksillyfloatingaroundintheair.It'sokayforskinnyguyslikeyouandGuido,butwhenItryit,Ilooklikeablimp.AllI'dneedisGood-yeartattooedonmysidetomakethepicturecomplete."IclosedmyeyesandtriedtorememberthatIwastiredandthatIshouldn'ttakeitoutonmyfriends.ThefactthatMasshawasworriedaboutappearanceswhileIwastryingtofigureoutawaytogetusalloutofthisalivewasn'treallyinfuriating.Itwas...flattering!

Thatwasit!Shewassoconfidentofmyabilitiestogetusthroughthiscrisisthatshehadtimetothinkaboutappearances!Ofcourse,thepossibilityofbetrayingthatconfidencesetmeoffinanotherroundofworrying.Wonderful."Youokay.Boss?""Hmmm?Yeah.Sure,Guido.Okay.NowMasshafloatsuptothewindow,whichleavesyouandmefreeto....""Holdit,HotStuff,"Masshasaid,holdingupahand."IthinkI'dbetterexplainalittlemoreaboutthisbelt.Iboughtitinan'as-is'rummagesale,andthecon-trolsarenotalltheyshouldbe.""Howso?""Well,the'up'controlworksokay,butthe'altitude'isshakysoyou'reneversurehowmuchyoucanliftor94MYTH-INGPERSONS95RobertAsprinhowhighitwillgo.Therealproblem,though,isthe'down'control.There'snotapering-offeffect,soit'seitheronoroff."Iwasneverparticularlygoodattechnicaljargon,butflyingwassomethingIknewsoIcouldalmostfollowher."LetmeseeifI'vegotthisright,"Isaid."Whenyougoup,youaren'tsurehowmuchpoweryou'llhave,andwhenyouland....""...itain'tgentle,"shefinishedforme."Basically,youfallfromwhateverheightyou'reattotheground.""Idon'tknowmuchaboutthismagicstuff,"Guidocommenteddryly,"butthatdoesn'tsoundsogood.Whywouldyouuseariglikethat,anyway?""Idon't...atleastnotforflying,"Masshasaid."Remember,ItoldyouIthinkitmakesmelooksilly?AllIuseitforisautilitybelt...youknow,likeBat-man?Imean,it'skindofpretty,anditisn'teasytofindbeltsinmysize.""Whatever,"Isaid,breakingintotheirfashiondis-

cussion."We'regoingtouseittonighttogetuptothecellevenifitmeansriggingsomekindofballastsystem.Nowallweneedtofigureoutishowtoopenthecellwindowandagetawayplan.Guido,itoccurstomethatwemightpickupafewlessonsonjailbreaksfromyourexperienceseveniftheywereunsuccessful.Imean,negativeexamplescanbeasinstructiveaspositiveex-amples.Sotellme,inyouropinionwhatwentwrongintheplansyoufollowedinthepast?"Thebodyguard'sbrowfurrowedasittookontheunaccustomedexerciseofthought."Idunno,Boss.Itseemsthathowevermuchplanningwasdone,somethingalwayscameupthatwehadn'tfiguredon.IfIhadtohangourfailuresonanyonething,I'dsayitwasjustthat...overplanning.Imean,afterweeksoflecturesandpracticesessions,yougetalittleoverconfident,sowhensomethinggoeswrongyou'recaughtflatfooted,knowwhatImean?"Nervousaswewere,thatgotalaughfrombothMasshaandme."Well,that'soneproblemwewon'thavetoworryabout,"Isaid."Ourplanningtimeisalwaysminimal,andforthiscaperwe'regoingtohavetoputittogetherinamatterofhours.""Ifyoutakehours,you'llneverpullitoff,"Vilhelmsaid,enteringourplanningroomjustintimetohearmylastcomment."What'sthatsupposedtomean?"Masshagrowled."Say,areyousureyouguysareonthelevel?"thevampiresaid,ignoringmyapprentice."ItoccurstomethatI'veonlygotyourwordonallthis...thatVicisstillaliveandall.Ifyou'retakingadvantageofmygoodnaturetogetmeinvolvedinsomethingcrooked....""He'salive,"Iassuredhim."I'veseenhimmyselfsincewewereherelast...butyoudidn'tanswerthequestion.Whatwasthatyouweresayingaboutwhatwouldhappenifwetookhourstoplanthejailbreak?"TheDispatchershrugged."Isupposeyouguysknowwhatyou'redoingandI

shouldkeepmymouthshut,butIwasgettingalittleworried.Imean,it'ssundownalready,andifyou'regoingtomakeyourmovebeforetheexecution,ithadbetterbesoon.""Howdoyoufigurethat?"Ifrowned."Theactionisn'tslateduntilhighmidnight.Ihadfiguredonwaitingawhileuntilitwasdarkandthingsquieteddownaroundtownalittle.""Areyoukidding?"thevampiresaidwithastart,hiseyebrowsgoinguptohishairline."That'swhen...oh,Igetit.You'restillthinkingintermsofyouroff-

96RobertAsprindimensiontimetables.You'vegotto...umm,youmightwanttobesittingdownforthis,Skeeve.""Layitonme,"Isaid,rubbingmyforeheadagain."WhathaveIoverlookednow?Evenwithouttheblind-foldandthecigaretteI'djustassoontakethebadnewsstandingup.""Well,you'vegottorememberthatyou'redealingwithacityofvampireshere.Sundownistheequivalentofdawntous.That'swhenthingsstarthappening,notwhentheystartwindingdown!Thatmeans....""...thathighmidnightisamajortraffictimeandthelongerwewait,themorepeopletherewillbeonthestreet,"Isaid,tryingtosuppressagroan.Oncethebasicoversighthadbeenpointedout,Icoulddomyownextrapolations...withalltheirhor-ribleconsequences.Tryingtofightbackmyownpanic,Iturnedtomyassistants."Okay,troops.We'reon.Guido,grabthatropeyousaw.Wemayneeditbeforethisisover."Thebodyguard'seyeswidenedwithastonishment.

"Youmeanwe'regoingtostartthecaperrightnow?ButBoss!Wehaven'tplanned....""Hey,Guido,"Isaid,flashingagrinthatwasalmostsane."Youweretheonewhosaidthatoverplanningwasaproblem.Well,ifyou'reright,thisshouldbethemostsuccessfuljailbreakever!"

ChapterEleven:

"Nicejail.Looksstrong.'—H.HOUDINIVILHELMwasrightaboutonething.Thestreetswerenowherenearlyascrowdedastheyhadbeenthetimeswenavigatedtheirlengthwellaftersundown.Onlyafewstraybeingswanderedhereandthere,mostlymak-ingdeliveriesorsweepingdownthesidewalksinfrontoftheirshopspriortoopening.Exceptforthelackoflight,thestreetslookedjustlikeanytownpreparingforaday'sbusiness....hatandtheredeyesofthecitizens.Wehuggedthelightaswepickedourwayacrosstown....That'sright.Isaid"huggedthelight."Itrytoonlymakethesamemistakeadozentimes.Inotherdimen-sions,wewouldhave"huggedthedark"toavoidbeingnoticedorrecognized.Here,we"huggedthelight."Don'tlaugh.Itworked.Anyway,aswepickedourwaythroughthestreetsofBlut,mostofmyattentionwastakenupwiththetaskoftryingtomapagoodgetawayroute.GettingAahzout9798RobertAsprinofjailIwoulddealwithoncewegotthere.RightnowIwasworriedaboutwhatwewoulddooncewehadhimout...amajorassumption,Iknow,butIhadsolittleoptimismthatIclungtowhattherewaswithallfours.Thethreeofuslookedenoughlikevampiresinap-pearancetopasscasualinspection.Therewasnoway,however,thatwecouldpassoffmyscalygreenpartnerasanativewithoutadisguisespell,andIwasn'tabouttobetonhavinganymagicalenergyleftafterspringingAahz.Assuch,Iwasconstantlycraningmynecktopeerdownsidestreetsandalleys,hopingtofindalittle-traveledroutebywhichwecouldspiritourfugitivecol-

leagueoutoftownwithoutbringingtheentirepopulacedownonournecks.Bythetimewereachedourdestina-tion,IwasprettysureIcouldgetusbacktotheDis-patcher'sbytheroutewewerefollowing,andpositivelysurethatifItriedtotakeustherebythebackroutes,Iwouldgetustotallyandhelplesslylost."Well,Boss.Thisisit.Thinkwecancrackit?"Idon'tthinkGuidoreallyexpectedananswer.Hewasjusttalkingtobreakthesilencethathadfallenoverusaswestoodlookingatourtarget.TheMunicipalBuildingwasanimposingstructure,withthickstonewallsandacornertowerthatstretchedupalmostoutofsightintothedarkness.Itdidn'tlooklikewecouldputadentinitwithacannon...ifwehadacannon,whichwedidn't.IwasusedtothetentsoftheBazaarortheratherramshacklebuildingstyleofKlah.WhileIhadbeengraduallygettingoverbeingoverawedbytheconstructionprevalenthereinBlut,thisplacein-timidatedme.I'dseenshakierlookingmountains!"Well,onething'sforcertain,"Ibegan,almostundermybreath."What'sthat?""Staringatitisn'tgoingtomakeitanyweaker."MYTH-INGPERSONS99Neitherofmyassistantslaughedatmyjoke,butthenagain,neitherdidI.Shakingoffafeelingofforeboding,Iturnedtomystaff."Allright,Guido.Youstaydownhereandkeepwatch.Massha?Doyouthinkthatbeltofyourscanlifttwo?It'stimeIwenttopsideandtookagoodlookatthisimpregnablecell."Myapprenticelickedherlipsnervouslyandshrugged."Idon'tknow,HotStuff.Iwarnedyouthatthecon-trolsonthisthingdon'tworkright.ItcouldliftusrightintoorbitforallIknow."IpattedhershoulderinwhatIhopedwasareassuringway."Well,giveitatryandwe'llfindout."

Shenodded,wrappedonearmaroundmychest,andusedherotherhandtoplaywiththejewelsonherbeltbuckle.Therewasasparkleoflight,butbeyondthatnothing."Notenoughjuice,"shemumbledtoherself."Soturnitupalready,"Iurged.-Evenifthevampirestendedtoavoidlight,wewerelituplikeaChristmastreeandboundtoattractattentionifwestayedatgroundlevelmuchlonger."Crossyourfingers,"shesaidgrimlyandtouchedthejewelsagain.Thelightintensifiedandwestartedupfast...toofast."Careful,Boss!"Guidoshoutedandgrabbedmylegsastheywentpasthim.Thatbroughtourprogresstoahalt...well,almost.Insteadofrocketingupintothenight,wewererisingslowly,almostimperceptibly."That'sgotit,HighRoller!"Masshaexclaimed,shiftinghergriptohangontomewithbotharms."A100RobertAsprinlittlemoreballastthanIhadplannedon,though."IconsideredbrieflytellingGuidotoletgo,butre-jectedthethought.Ifthebodyguardreleasedhisgrip,we'ddoubtlessresumeourpreviousspeed...andwhilealotoffolksattheBazaartalkedaboutmymeteoricrise,I'djustassoonkeepthephrasefigurative.TherewasalsotheminordetailthatwewerealreadyataheightwhereitwouldbedangerousforGuidototrydroppingbacktothestreet.Therewasthat,andhisdeath-griponmylegs."Don'ttellme,letmeguess,"Icalleddowntohim."You'reacrophobic,too?"TheviewofBlutthatwasunfoldingbeneathuswastrulybreathtaking.Truly!Mylifethesedayswassoclutteredwithcrisisanddangersthatalittlethinglikelookingdownonbuildingsdidn'tbothermemuch,butevenIwasfindingithardtobreathewhenconfrontedupclosewithsheerwallsadornedwithstonecreatures.

Still,untilIfelthisfingernailsbitingintomycalves,ithadneveroccurredtomethatsuchthingsmightupsetarough-and-tumbleguylikeGuido."Naw.Igotnothin'againstspiders,"herepliednerv-ously."It'sheightsthatscareme."Iletthatonego.Iwasbusystudyingthetowerwhichcouldbeviewedmuchmoreclearlyfromthisaltitude.Ifanything,itlookedstrongerthantheportionofthebuildingthatwasbelowus.Onefeaturecapturedmyat-tention,though.Thetopportionofthetower,thepartIassumedwasAahz'scell,wasshapedlikealargedragon'shead.ThewindowIhadbeenexpectingwasactuallythecreature'smouth,withitsteethservingasbars.Ishouldhaveanticipatedsomethinglikethat,realiz-ingtheabundanceofstoneanimalsoneveryotherbuildingintown.Still,itcameasabitofasurprise...MYTH-INGPERSONS101butapleasantsurprise.Ihadbeentryingtofigureawaytogetthroughironbars,butstoneteethmightbeabiteasier.MaybewithAahzworkingfromtheinsideandusworkingfromtheoutside,wecouldloosenthemortarand....Isuddenlyrealizedthatinafewmomentswewouldbelevelwiththecell...andthatafewmomentsafterthatwe'dbepastit!Unlesssomethingwasdone,anddonefast,tohaltourupwardprogress,we'donlyhavetimeforafewquickwordswithAahzbeforepartingcompanypermanently.Withtimerunningoutfast,Icastaboutforasolution.Thewallwastoofarawaytograbonto,andtherewasnowaytoincreaseourweight,unless....WhenAahzfirsttaughtmetofly,heexplainedtheprocessas"levitationinreverse."Thatis,insteadofusingthemindtoliftobjects,youpushagainstthegroundandliftyourself.Focusingmyreservoirofmagi-calenergy,Iusedasmallportiontotryflyinginreverse.Insteadofpushingup,Ipusheddown!Okay.SoIwasdesperate.Inacrisis,I'lltryanything,

howeverstupid.Fortunately,thisstupidideaworked!Ourupwardprogressslowedtoahaltwithmehang-ingateye-levelwiththecell'sdragonmouth.Tryingnottoshowmyrelief,Iraisedmyvoice."Hey,Aahz!Whenarevisitinghours?"Foramomenttherewasnoresponse,andIhadasud-denfearthatwewerehangingahundredfeetintheairoutsideanemptycell.Thenmypartner'sunmistakablecountenanceappearedinthewindow."Skeeve?"hesaidinaskepticalvoice."Skeeve!Whatareyoudoingoutthere?""Oh,wewerejustintheneighborhoodandthoughtwe'ddropin,"Irepliedinmybestnonchalantvoice."Heardyouwereinabitoftroubleandthoughtwe'd102MYTH-INGPERSONS103RobertAsprinbettergetyououtbeforeitgotserious.""Who'swe?"mypartnerdemanded,thenhefocusedonmyassistants."Ohno!Thosetwo?WhereareTan-andaandChumley?C'mon,Skeeve.Ineedarescueteamandyoubringmeacircusact!""It'sthebestIcoulddoonshortnotice,"Ishotback,slightlyannoyed."TanandaandChumleyaren'tbackfromtheirownworkyet,butIleftamessageforthemtocatchupwithusiftheycould.Ofcourse,I'mnotsurehowmuchhelpthey'llbe.Incaseyou'rewonderingwhyI'mbeingcarriedbymyapprenticein-steadofflyingfree,thisparticulardimensionisexcep-tionallylowonforcelinestotapinto.Ifanything,IthinkI'mprettyluckythatIbrought'thesetwo'alonginsteadofendingupwithawholeteamoffor-realmagi-cianswhoaretooproudtousegimmicks.It'sthanksto'thesetwo'thatImadeitthisfaratall.Now,dtfyouwantourhelp,ordoyouwanttowaitforthenextteamtofloatpast?Imean,you'reinnorush,areyou?""Nowdon'tgetyourbackup,partner,"Aahzsaidsoothingly."Youcaughtmealittleoff-guardisall.Sotellme,justhowdoyoufiguretogetmeoutofhere?"

Thatbroughtmebacktoearth...orasclosetoitas1couldgetwhilesuspendedinmid-air."Umm...actually,Aahz,Iwaskindahopingyoumighthaveafewideasonthesubject.You'reusuallyprettygoodatcomingupwithplanstogetusoutoftightspots.""WhatIwanttoknow,"Guidosnarled,turningslightlyinthewind,"ishowcomeyourpartnerhasn'tfiguredawayoutofthereallbyhimself,ifhe'ssoall-firedsmart?"Istartedtorebukemybodyguard,butslowlyhiswordssankin.Thatwasagoodquestion!Aahzwasstrong...ImeanSTRONG!Byrightsheshouldhavebeenabletoripthestoneteethoutofthewindowallbyhimself.Whatwaskeepinghimhere?"Oh,I'mhavingsomuchfuninhereIjustcouldn'tbeartoleave,"Aahzbarkedback."I'minherebecauseIcan'tgetout,that'swhy.What'smore,ifanyofyouhaveanyideasabouthowtogetmeout,Ithinknow'sarealgoodtimetosharethemwiththerestofus.""Waitaminute,Aahz,"Isaid."Whycan'tyougetout...andhowdidtheycatchyouinthefirstplace?""Iwasframed,"mypartnerretorted,butInoticedhisvoicewasabitmoresubdued."Wealreadyknowthat."Impressed."WhatIwanttoknowiswhyyoudidn'tjustbustafewheadsandsprintforhome?You'veneverbeenparticularlyrespectfuloflocalauthoritybefore."Tomysurprise,Aahzactuallylookedembarrassed."Iwasdrugged,"hesaidinadisgustedtone."Theyputsomethinginmydrink,andthenextthingIknewIhadastakeandmalletinmyhandsandaroomfullofofficials.Whateveritwastheyused,itkeptmegroggyallthewaythroughthetrial...ImeanIcouldn'twalkstraight,muchlessdefendmyselfcoherently,andafterthatIwasin/we!""TheoldMickeyFinntrick!"Masshasnorted,rock-ingourentireformation."I'msurprisedsomeoneasoff-worldlyasyoucouldgetcaughtbysuchacorny

stunt.""Yeah.Itsurprisedme,too!"Aahzadmitted."Imean,thatgagissoold,whowouldreallyexpectany-onetotryitatall?""Onlyifyoufiguredthemarkwaslouderthanhewassmart,"Guidosneered."Isthatso!"mypartnersnapped,readytorenewtheiroldrivalry."Well,whenIgetoutofhere,youandmecan...."

104RobertAsprin"Stopit,youtwo,"Iordered."Rightnowtheproblemistogetusalloutofherebeforetheballoongoesup...nooffense,Massha.Nowspill,Aahz.What'ssospecialaboutthiscellthat'skeepingyoubot-tledup?"Mypartnerheavedagreatsigh."Takeanotherlookatit,Skeeve.Acloselook."Idid.Itstilllookedthesametome:atowerroomintheshapeofadragon'shead."Yeah.Okay.So?""Sorememberwhereweare.Thisthingwasbuilttoholdvampirecriminals.Youknow,beingswithsuper-humanstrengththatcanchangeintomist?"Mygazeflewbacktothedragon'shead."Idon'tgetit,"Iadmitted."Howcananystonecellholdbeingslikethat?""That'sthepoint."Aahzwinced."Astonecellcan't\Thisthingismadeoflivingstone.Ifwhoever'sinsidetriestobustout,itswallowsthem.Iftheytrytoturnintomist,itinhalesthem.""Youmean....""Nowyou'regettingthepicture."Heflashedhistoothygrinatmedespitehisobviousdepression."Thecellisalive!"

Startledbythisrevelation,Ilookedatthetowertopcellagain.Asifithadbeenwaitingfortherightcue,thedragon'sheadopeneditseyesandlookedatme.

ChapterTwelve:

"Fortherightperson,theimpossibleiseasy!"—DUMBOToeveryone'ssurprise,particularlymyown,Ididn'tfindtherevelationaboutthetruenatureofAahz'scon-finementatalldiscouraging.Ifanything,Iwasdoublypleased.NotonlydidIhaveanimmediateideaforhowtobeattheproblem,Ihadarrivedatitbeforemyknowledgeablepartner...wellbefore,asamatteroffact,ashehadbeenponderinghisdilemmafordayswhereasIhadonlyjustreceivedtheinformation.Ofcourse,hewasprobablynotinapositiontoseetheeasysolutionthatIcould."Whatareyougrinningat?"hedemanded."Ifthere'sanythingfunnyaboutthis,iteludesmecom-pletely."Unlikemyownamiableself,Aahztendstoshowhisworrybygettingmad.Cometothinkofit,hetendstoexpressalmostanyemotionbygettingmad.Well,atleasthe'sconsistent."Tellme,"Isaid,eyeingthedragon'shead,"yousaythisthing'salive.Howaliveisit?"105106RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS107"Whatdoyoumean,'howaliveisit'?"Aahzscowled."It'saliveenoughtoswallowmeifitgetsitintoit'shead.That'saliveenoughforme."Imean,canithearandsee?""Whocares?"mypartnersaid,inadazzlingdisplayofcharmandcuriositythatmakeshimsolovable."Ihadn'tplannedonaskingitoutforadate."

Istaredthoughtfullyatthebeast."Iwasjustwonderingifitcouldhearme...say,ifIsaidthatIthoughtitwastheugliestbuildingdecorationI'veseenhereintown?"Thedragon'sheadrewardedmebynarrowingitseyesintoanevilglare."Ithinkitcanhearyou,Boss,"Guidosaid,shiftinghisgripnervously."Itdoesn'tlooklikeitlikedthatlastcomment.""Oh,swell!"Aahzgrumbled."Tellyouwhat,part-ner.Whydon'tyoucomeinhereandsitonthisthing'stongueinsteadofmebeforeyoustartgettingitallriledUp?""Iwasjustchecking."Ismiled."Totellthetruth,Ithinkit'sthemostincrediblethingI'veseensinceIstartedtravelingthedimensions.Ijustsaidthatothertotestitsreactions."Thedragonstoppedglaring,butitstilllookedalittlebitsuspicousandwary."Well,findsomeotherreactiontotest,okay?"mypartnersnapped."Forsomeobscurereason,I'malittlenervousthesedays,andeverytimethisthingmovesitstongueIageafewcenturies."Iignoredhisgrumblingandshookoneofmylegs."Hey,Guido!Areyoustillpayingattentiondownthere?"Hisgriptightenedfiercely."OfcourseI'mpayingattention,youlittle...Imean,yeah,Boss.There'snotmuchelsetodowhilewe'rehangin'.here,knowwhatImean?Andquitjerk-ingyourlegaround...please?"Ifoundhisverbalslipratherinteresting,butnowwasn'tthetimetoinvestigatefurther."Well,listenup,"Isaid."Here'swhatIwantyoutodo.Iwantyoutoletgowithonehandandpasstheropeuptome....""Noway,Boss!Haveyouseenhowfardownitis?I'mnotlettin'gonomatterwhatyou....""...becauseifyoudon't,"Icontinuedasifhe

hadn'tinterrupted,"I'mgoingtostartsquirmingarounduntileitheryouloseyourgripwithbothhandsorMasshaloseshergriponme.Whicheverwayitgoes,you'llfall.Getmydrift?Nowforoncecouldyoujustfolloworderswithoutalotofback-talk?Wedon'thavemuchtimetopullthisoff."TherewasastrickensilencebelowasGuidoabsorbedmyultimatumandweighedthepossibilities."Pullwhatoff?"Aahzdemanded."Whydoesn'tanybodytellmeanything?Ifthismasterplanofyoursisridingonthatsorryexcuseforabodyguard,youmightaswellgiveuprightnow.I'vetoldyouallalongthathewastoolily-liveredtobeanygoodat....""Who'slily-livered?!"Guidoshouted."Look,BigMouth,assoonaswegetyououtofthere,youandmearegoingtosettlethisonceand....""First,we'vegottogethimout,Guido,"Iinter-rupted."Therope.""Right,Boss.Oneropecomingup.We'llseewho'slily-livered.Thelastpersonwhocalledmethatwasmymom,andbythetimeIgotdonewithher...."Ourwholeformationbegantorockdangerouslyashefumbledthroughhiscoatone-handedinsearchoftherope.Foraminute,Iwasafraidhewasmadenoughto

RobertAsprin108letgowithbothhandstospeedhissearch."Easythere,Guido,"Icautioned."Wecan.....""Hereitis,Boss!"hesaid,flippingtheropeupsoviolentlythatitalmostwhackedmeintheface."Ihopeyoucanuseittohangthesonofa....""Hangingisn'tenough!"Aahztaunted."Ittakesmorethanapieceofropetodomein.""Yeah.Ittakesalittlegirlwithblueeyesandaspikeddrink,"mybodyguardsneeredback."IfyouthinkI'm

goingtoletyoulivethatonedown...."Iforcedmyselftoignorethem.WhileitwastemptingtorallytoLuanna'sdefense,therewereothermorepressingmatterstoattendto.MovingascarefullyasIcould,IloopedoneendoftheropeupandaroundMassha'swaist.IttookacoupleoftriesandalotmoreropethanIwouldhaveliked,butfinallyImanagedtocatchthedanglingendandtieitoffsecurely."What'swiththerope,HotStuff?"Masshasaidcalmly,theonlyoneofourgroupwhohadmanagedtokeephercoolthroughtheentireproceedings."Well,withanyluck,inalittlewhilewe'regoingtobeheadingdown...withAahz,"Iexplained."EventhoughIknowyou'restrong,Idon'tthinkyourhandsarestrongenoughtokeepagriponallthreeofuswhilewemakethetrip.Thisistobesurewedon'tloseanyoneafterwespringthecell.""Speakingofthat,"Aahzcalled,"I'mstillwaitingtohearhowyou'regoingtogetmeoutofthisthing.YoumightevensayI'mdyingtofindout."Hewasn'ttheonlyone.Thedragon'sheadwaswatchingmyeverymovementthroughslittedeyes.I'mnotsurehowmuchprideittookinitsjob,butitwasob-viousthebeastwasn'tgettingreadytooverwhelmuswithitscooperation.MYTH-INGPERSONS109EverythingwasasreadyasIcouldmakeit,soIde-cideditwastimetoplaymytrumpcard."There'snothingtoit,really,"Itoldmypartnerwithasmile."Talktome."Itisn'toftenIcatchmyoldmentortotallybysurprise...Igethimupsetonafairlyregularbasis,buttotalsurprisewasarealrarity.Thiswasoneofthosegoldentimes."SayWHAT?"Aahzexclaimedloudly."Trustme,Aahz,"Iinsisted."IknowwhatI'mdoing.Justtalktome.Tellmeastory.HowdidyoufirstmeetGarkin?"

"Oh,that,"hesaid,rollinghiseyesexpressively."Well,wewereatthesameboringcocktailparty,see...youknow,oneofthosedrearyaffairswherethecrowdhasyoupinnedagainstthewallandyougetstucktalkingtowhateverthetidewashesupagainstyou?Anyway,hewastryingtoimpresssomelittlebitoffluffwithhismagic,whichreallywasn'tallthathotinthosedays...letmetellyou,partner,anytimeyoustartget-tingdepressedwithyourlackofprogressinthemagicbusiness,remindmetotellyouwhatyouroldteacherGarkinwaslikewhenwefirstmet.But,asIwassaying,outofrespectforthecraft,Ijusthadtowanderoverandshowthemwhattherealstufflookedlike...notthatIhadanyinterestinhermyself,mindyou...."IfeltGuidotuggingonmypantleg."Say,Boss,"hecomplained."Whatisthis?Ithoughtwewereinahurry.""Thisiswhatweneededthetimefor,"Iwhisperedback."ForthisVhegrumbled."ButBoss,ifwedon'tgetstarted....""We'restarted,"Ianswered."Nowpayattentiontowhathe'ssaying."110RobertAsprinIwasafraidoursidecommentsmighthavedistractedAahz,butIneedn'thaveworried.Aspernormal,oncemypartnergotonaverbalroll,hewasn'tthateasytostop."...sotherewewere,justthethreeofus,mindyou,andremember,ourclotheswerefivefloorsawayatthispoint....""What'sgoingon,HotStuff?"Masshahissedfromherpositionaboveme."Iknowyou'veheardthisstorybefore.Heck,I'vehearditfourtimesmyself.""Keepyoureyeonthedragon,"Iadvisedher."Andbereadytoactfast."IwasgoingthroughthemotionsofreactingtoAahz'sstoryandfieldingtheimpatientquestionsofmyassis-

tantsasbestIcould,butmyrealattentionwasfocusedonthedragon'shead.Mystrategywasalreadyworking.Aahz'sdroningaccountofpastglorieswasstartingtotakeeffect.Thedragon'seyesweredefinitelystartingtoglaze."...ofcourse,afterallthat,Ijusthadtotakeherhomewithme.ItwastheleastIcoulddoforthepoorthingunderthecircumstances."Aahzwaswindinguphisstoryalready!Ihadtokeephimgoingjustalittlebitlonger."WasthatthepartywhereyoumetTananda?"Isaid,deliberatelyfeedinghimanothercue."Tananda?No.That'sanotherstorycompletely.ImetherwhenIwassittinginonacut-throatgameofdragonpokeroverattheGeek's.Wehadarealpigeonontheline,thekindofidiotwhowouldbetabustedCorp'sa'Corp'sintoaUnicornFlushshowing,youknow?Well,Iwasalittlelowonfundsjustthen,Guidowasgettingrestlessagain."Boss,howmuchlongerarewegonna...."MYTH-INGPERSONS111"Notmuchlonger,"Iinterrupted."Getholdoftherope.We'reabouttomove.""...nowIwasholdingOgresback-to-back...orwasitElves?No,itwasOgres.IrememberbecauseTanandahadElveswrappedup.Ofcourse,wedidn'tknowthatuntiltheendofthehand.Anyway,assoonastheGeekopened,Ibumpedhimbacklimit,andTan-anda..."Thatdidit.Ishouldhaveknownahand-by-hand,bet-by-betdescriptionofdragonpokerwoulddothetrick.Withoutanywarningatall,thedragonyawned...longandwide.Aahzbrokeoffhisnarration,amomentouseventinitself,andblinkedhissurprise."Quick,Aahz!Jumpforit!"Bewilderedashewas,therewasnothingwrongwithmypartner'sreflexes.Hewasoutofthedragon's

mouthinaflash,divingthroughtheairtocatchtheropebelowGuido.Assoonashishandsclosedonourlifeline,severalthingshappenedatthesametime.WiththeextraweightonMassha'slevitationbelt,ourwholeformationstartedtosinkatanalarmingrate...myapprenticelosthergriponme,givingmeminorropeburnsasIclutchedmadlyfortherope,almosttoolatetofollowtheadviceIhadbeensofreelygivingtoevery-oneelse...andthedragonclosedhismouth.Icaughtonelastglimpseofthebeastbeforewesankfromsight,andIhonestlydon'tthinkheevenknewweweregone.Hiseyelidswereathalf-mast,andtheeyesthemselveswereoutoffocusfromboredom.Aahz'sstoriestendedtohavethateffectonevenvaguely-intelli-gentbeings.Ihadsimplyfoundapracticalapplicationforthephenomenon.RobertAsprin112"I'vegottachangethecontrols,HotStuff!"Masshacalled,alertingmeoncemoretoourcurrentsituation.Thegroundwasrushinguptomeetuswithfrighten-ingspeed.Irememberedthefaultycontrolsthatheldallofusattheirmercy."No!Wait,Massha!Letmetry...."Exertingmylastounceofreservepower,Iworkedatlevitatingourwholecrew.Undernormalcircumstances,Icouldliftthreepeopleeasilyandfourorfiveinapinch.HereinLimbo,usingeverythingIhadwithMassha'sbeltassistingme,Ibarelymanagedtoslowourdescenttoamoderatecrawl."Whathappenedthere,partner?"Aahzcalled."Howdidyouknowthatthingwasgoingtoyawn?""Callitaluckyguess,"Igrunted,stillconcentratingonkeepingusfromcrashing."I'llexplainlater.""Checkthelandingzone,"Guidowarned.Isneakedapeak.WehadbeenatourtasklongerthanIthought.The

sidewalkbelowwascrowdedwithvampiresstrollinghereandthereasBlut'slegendarynightlifefiredup."Idon'tthinkwecanbluffourwaythroughthisone,"Aahzsaidcalmly."Anychanceyoucansteerusaroundthecornerintothealley?Theredoesn'tseemtobeasmuchofacrowdthere."BeforeIcouldanswer,somethingflashedpastusfromabovewithaflutterofleatherwings."JAILBREAK!"itscreamed,bankingaroundthecorner."Murdererontheloose!JAILBREAK!"

ChapterThirteen:

"I'veneverseensodamnmanyIndians."—G.A.CUSTERTHEwordsofalarmhadaninterestingeffectonthecrowdbelow.Afterabriefglancetoseeusdescendingintotheirmidst,toamantheyturnedandran.Inatwinkling,thestreetwasempty."What'sgoingon?"IcalledtoAahz,unabletobelieveourgoodfortune."Beatsme!"mypartnershoutedback."Iguessnoneofthenormalcitizenrywanttotanglewithanescapedmurderer.Bettergetusdownfastbeforetheyfigureouthowbadlyoutnumberedweare."Ididn'thavetobetoldtwice.Ourescapehadjustgottenanunexpectedblessing,butIwasn'tabouttomakebookonhowlongitwouldlast.Icutmymagicalsupport,andwedroppedswiftlytowardthepavement."Whatwasthatthatblewthewhistleonus?"Masshasaid,peeringupintothedarknesswhereourmysterioussaboteurhaddisappeared."IthinkitwasthatViccharacter,"Guidoansweredfrombelowme."Igotaprettygoodlookathimwhen113114RobertAsprinheboltedpastmebackattheWoofWriters.""Really?"Iasked,halftomyself,twistingaroundtolookafterthedepartedvillain."That'sonemoreweowehim.""Later,"Aahzcommanded,touchingdownatlast."Rightnowwe'vegottogetoutofhere."Guidowasbesidehiminasecond.Ihadtodropaways,aswiththeextraweightremovedfromtherope,wehadceasedtosink."C'mon,Massha!"Icalled."Cutthepowerinthatthing.It'snotthatfartofall."

"I'mtrying!"shesnappedback,fiddlingwiththebeltbuckleoncemore."Theflamingthing'smalfunc-tioningagain!"Thebeltsettinghadchanged.Holdingtherope,Icouldfeelthattherewasnolongeranupwardpull.Unfortunately,Masshawasn'tsinking,either.Instead,shehoveredinmid-airaboutfifteenfeetup."Hey,Boss!Wegotcompany!"Ifollowedmybodyguard'sgaze.Therewasamobformingdownthestreettoourleft,anditdidn'tlookhappy.Ofcourse,itwashardtotellforsure,butIhadthedefiniteimpressionthattheireyeswereglowingred-derthannormal,whichIwasunabletoconvincemyselfwasagoodsign."Maasshhhha!"Inagged,myvoicerisinguncon-trollablyasItuggedontherope."It'sjammed!"shewhimpered."Goon,takeoff,HotStuff.Nosenseinallofusgettingcaught.""Wecan'tjustleaveyouhere,"Iargued."Wedon'thavetimeforadebate,"Aahzsnarled."Guido!Getupthereaheadofusandkeepthestreetopen.Wecan'taffordtogetcutoff.Okay,let'sgo!"Withthat,hesnatchedtheropeoutofmyhandandtookoffrunningdownthestreetawayfromthecrowdwithGuidooutfrontinpointpositionandMasshaMYTH-INGPERSONS115floatingoverhisheadlikeagaudyballoon.Foronce,Ididn'tobjecttohimgivingorderstomybodyguard.Iwastoobusysprintingtokeepupwiththerestofmygroup.Ifthewatchingmobwashavinganytroubledecidingwhattodo,thesightofusfleeingsettledit.Withahowl,theyswarmeddownthestreetinpursuit.WhenIsay"withahowl,"I'mnotspeakingfigura-tively.Astheyran,someofthevampirestransformedintolarge,fierce-lookingdogs,othersintobats,pre-sumablytogainmorespeedinthechase.WhileAahzandIhadbeenchasedbymobsbefore,thiswasthefirstpackofpursuerswholiterallybayedatourheels.Imust

sayIdidn'tcaremuchfortheexperience."Wherearewegoing,Aahz?"Ipanted."Awayfromthem!"hecalledback."Imean,eventually,"Ipressed."We'reheadingthewrongwaytogetbacktoourhideout.""Wecan'tholeupuntilwe'veshakenourfanclub,"mypartnerinsisted."Nowshutupandrun."IhadcertaindoubtsaboutourabilitytoeludeourpursuerswhiletowingMasshaoverheadtomarkourposition,butIfollowedAahz'sinstructionsandpumpedthepavementforallIwasworth.Foronething,ifIpointedoutthisobviousfacttomypartner,hemightsimplyletgooftheropeandleavemyappren-ticetofendforherself.Thenagain,theoptiontorun-ningwastostandfirmandfacethemob.Allinall,runningseemedlikearealgoodidea.Guidowassurprisinglygoodatclearingapathforus.Ihadneverreallyseenmybodyguardinaction,butwithhisconstantcarpingandallergyproblemsthroughoutthisventure,Iwastendingtodiscounthisusefulness.Notso.Thevampiresweencounteredinourflighthadnotheardthealarmandwereunpreparedforthewhirl-windthatburstintotheirmidst.Guidoneverseemedto116RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS117breakstrideashebarreledintovictimaftervictim,butwhateverhedidtothemwaseffective.NoneofthefallenbodieswhichmarkedhisprogressattemptedtointerferewithAahzorI...heck,theydidn'tevenmove."Riverahead.Boss!"hecalledoverhisshoulder."What'sthat?"Ipuffed,realizingforthefirsttimehowoutofshapeIhadgrownduringmyprosperousstayattheBazaar."Ariver!"herepeated."Thestreetwe'reonisgoingtodead-endintoariverinafewblocks.Icanseeit'fromhere.We'regoingtohavetochangedirectionorwe'llgetpinnedagainstthewater."Iwonderedwhetheritwouldn'tbeagoodideaforustojustplungeintotheriverandputsomemovingwater

betweenusandthevampires,asIseemedtorecallalegendthatthatwasoneofthethingsthatcouldstopthem.Thenitoccurredtomethatmybodyguardprob-ablycouldn'tswim."Headright!"Aahzshouted."There!Upthatalley."GuidodartedoffontheindicatedcoursewithmypartnerandIpoundingalongaboutfifteenpacesbehindhim.Wehadbuiltupabitofaleadonourpur-suers,thoughwecouldstillheartheircriesandyelpsablockorsoback,andforthefirsttimeIstartedtohavethehopethatwemightactuallyeludethem.Nowthatwewereoutoftheirlineofsight...."Lookout...."Therewasasuddencryfromabove,andMasshacamecrashingtotheground,gamingthedubiousdistinctionofbeingthefirstpersonI'veeverwitnesseddoingabelly-flopondryland.I'msurethegrounddidn'tactuallyshake,buttheimpactwasenoughtoleavethatimpression.Iexperiencedaquickflashofguilt,realizingthatmyfirstthoughtwasnotforthewell-beingofmyapprentice,butratherunbridledreliefthatshehadn'tlandedononeofus."Ithinkthecontrolsjustcameunstuck,"Aahzsaid,ratherunnecessarilytomythinking."Areyouallright,Massha?"Isaid,crouchingoverher."Wha—ha..."cametheforcedreply."Ofcourse,she'snotallright,"Aahzsnapped,assumingtranslatorduties."Attheveryleastshe'sgotthewindknockedoutofher."Whatevertheexactextentofthedamagessufferedfromherfall,myapprenticewasn'teventryingtorise.Iwouldhavelikedtogiveherafewminutesrecoverytime,butalreadythesoundsofourpursuersweredraw-ingcloser."Canyoucarryher,Aahz?""Notonmybestday,"mypartneradmitted,eyeingMassha'ssizablebulk."Howaboutyou?Haveyougot

enoughjuicelefttolevitateher?"Ishookmyheadviolently."Useditallsupervisingouraerialmaneuversbackatthejail.""Hey.Boss!"Guidohissed,emergingfromtheshadowsbehindus."Thealley'sblocked.Thisistheonlywayout!"Andthatwasthat.EvenifwegotMasshaupandmoving,allitmeantwasthatwe'dhavetoretraceourstepsrightbackintotheteethofthemob.Wehadrunourrace...andwereabouttoloseitratherspectacu-larly.Theothersknewit,too."Well,it'sbeenniceworkingwithyou,Guido,"Aahzsaidwithasigh."IknowI'vegottenonyourcaseacoupleoftimes,butyou'reagoodmantohavearoundinapinch.Youdidsomereallynicecrowdworkgettingusthisfar.Sorryaboutthatlastturncall."

118RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS119"Nohardfeelings,"mybodyguardshrugged."Yougaveityourbestshot.Thisalleywouldhavebeenmychoice,too,ifI'dbeenworkin'alone.Boss,IwarnedyouIwasajinxwhenitcametojailbreaks.Igottaad-mit,though,forawhilethereIreallythoughtweweregoin'topullthisoneoff.""Itwasalongshotatbest."Igrinned."Atleastyoucan'tsaythatthisonesufferedfromoverplanning."Aahzclappedahandonmyshoulder."Well,partner?"hesaid."Anythoughtsonhowtoplaythisone?Dowetrytosurrenderpeacefully,orgodownswinging?"Iwasn'tsurethecrowdwouldgiveusachoice.Theywerealmostatouralley,andtheydidn'tsoundliketheycaredmuchfortalking."NOTTHISWAY!THEY'REDOUBLINGBACK

TOWARDTHEJAIL!"Thisunexpectedcrycamefromthestreetnearthemouthofouralley.I.couldn'tbelieveit,butapparentlythemobdid.Therewerecursesandshoutedorders,butfromtheirfast-fadingmanneritwasplainthatthecrowdhadturnedandwasnowheadingbackthewaytheyhadcome."Whatwasthat?"Masshamanaged,hervoicere-turningatlast.ImotionedhertobesilentandcockedaneyebrowatAahz,silentlyaskingthesamequestion.Heansweredwithanequallysilentshakeofthehead.Neitherofusknewforsurewhatwasgoingon,butwebothsensedthatthetimelyinterventionwasneitheraccidentalnoramistake.Someonehaddeliberatelypulledthecrowdoffourbacks.Beforewecelebratedourgoodfortune,wewantedtoknowwhoandwhy.Apairoffiguresappearedatthemouthofthealley."Youcancomeoutnow,"oneofthemcalled."Sorrytointerfere,butitlookedlikesomuchfunwejusthadtoplay,too."I'dknowthatvoiceanywhere,evenifIdidn'trecognizethefigureaswellastheunmistakableformofherbrother."Tananda!Chumley!"Ishouted,wavingtopinpointourposition."Iwaswonderingwhenyou'dshowup."Thesister-brotherteamofTrollopandTrollhastenedtojoinus.Foralltheirlightheartedbanter,IcanthinkoffewbeingsI'dratherhaveonoratmysidewhenthingsgettight."Areyouallright?"Tanandaasked,stoppingtohelpMasshatoherfeet."Reallyneverhadmuchdignity,"myapprenticeresponded,"andwhatlittleIdidhaveisshottohell.ExceptforthatI'mfine.I'mstartingtoseewhyyouBigLeaguersaresodownonmechanicalmagic."Chumleyseizedmyhandandpumpeditvigorously."Nowdon'tbetooroughonyourlittlegimmicks,

ducks,"headvised."Thatlittleringyouleftuswasjusttheticketweneededtogethereintimeforthelatestinourunbrokenstringoflast-minuterescues.Exceptforthetypicalhashyou'vemadeofyourend-game,itlookslikeyou'vedoneratherwellwithoutus.We'vegotallpresentandaccountedfor,includingAahz,whoseemsremarkablyunscathedafteryetonemorenear-brushwithdisaster.Seemslikeallthat'sleftisahastyretreatandaslowcelebration...eh,what?""That'saboutthesizeofit,"Iagreed."It'sgreathavingthetwoofyoualongtorideshotgunonourexit,though.Speakingofwhich,canyoufindthecastlefromhere?I'vegottenalittleturnedaround....""Holditrightthere!"Aahzbrokein."Beforewegettoowrappedupincongratulatingeachother,aren'tthereafewminordetailsbeingoverlooked?"Thegrouplookedateachother.

120RobertAsprin"Likewhat?"Tanandasaidatlast."LikethefactthatI'mstillwantedformurder,forone,"mypartnerglared."Thenagain,there'sthethreefugitiveswe'resupposedtobebringingbacktoDevawithus.""Oh,comeon,Aahz,"theTrollopchided,pokinghimplayfullyintheribs."Withthereputationyoualreadyhave,what'salittlethinglikeamurderwar-rant?""Ididn'tdoit,"Aahzinsisted."Notonlydidn'tIkillthisViccharacter,nobodydid.He'sstillaroundsomewherelaughingdownhissleeveatallofus.NowwhileI'lladmitmyreputationisn'texactlyspotless,itdoesn'tincludestandingstillforabumrap...orlet-tingsomeonegetawaywithmakingafoolofme!""Ofcourse,savingthemoneyforpayingthe

swindlers'debtsplusthefinesinvolvedhasnothingtodowithit,eh,Aahz?"Chumleysaid,winkinghislargereye."Well...that,too,"mypartneradmitted."Isn'titnicethatwecantakecareofbothunpleasanttasksatthesametime?""MaybewecouldsettleforjustcatchingVicandlettheothersgo,"Imurmured."How'sthatagain,partner?""Nothing,Aahz,"Isaidwithasigh."It'sjustthat...nothing.C'moneverybody.Ifwe'regoingtogohunting,it'sgoingtorequireabitofplanning,andIdon'tthinkweshoulddoitouthereintheopen."

ChapterFourteen:

"Relax,Julie.Everyonewillunderstand."—ROMEOFORTUNATELY,Massha'selevatedpositionduringourflighthadgivenheranexcellentviewofoursurround-ings,andwewereabletofindourwaybacktotheDispatcher'swithoutbeingdiscoveredbythearousedpopulace.Nowthatournumbershadincreased,how-ever,Vilhelm'sgreetingwasnoticeablycooler."I'mstartingtobelievewhateverybodysays,"thelittlevampirecomplained."Letonedemonin,andthenextthingyouknowtheneighborhood'scrawlingwiththem.WhenIdecidedtotalktoyoufolksinsteadofblowingthewhistleonyou,Ididn'tfigureonturningmyofficeintoameetingplaceforoff-worlders.""C'mon,Vilhelm,"Isaid,tryingtoedgemyfootintothedoorway."Wedon'thaveanyplaceelsetogointown.Therearen'tthatmanyofus.""Wecouldalwaysjustwaitoutonthestreetuntiltheauthoritiescomeby,"Aahzsuggested."Idon'timagineitwouldtakemuchtoconvincethemthatthisguyhasbeenharboringfugitives."121

122RobertAsprin"Canit.GreenandScaly,"Masshaordered,puffingherselfuptotwicehernormalsize."Vilhelm'sbeennicetoussofar.andIwon'tlistentoanyonethreatenhim,evenyou.Justrememberthatyou'dstillbecoolingyourheelsintheslammerifitweren'tforhim.Eitherhehelpsofhisownfreewill,orwelookelsewhere."Aahzgavegroundbeforeherrighteousindignation.

"Areyougoingtoletyourapprenticetalktomethatway?"hedemanded."Onlywhenshe'sright."Ishrugged."Isay,Aahz,"Chumleyintervened."Couldyoupossiblycurbyournormallyvilemannersforafewmo-ments?Wedon'treallyneedonemoreenemyinthisdi-mension,andI,forone,wouldappreciatethechancetoextendmythankstothisgentlemanbeforehethrowsusout."Whenhe'sworking,ChumleygoesbythenameofBigCrunchanddoesaNeanderthalthat'stheenvyofhalfthebarbariansattheBazaar.Onhisowntime,however,hispolishedcharmhassolvedalotofprob-lemsforus...almostasmanyasAahz'sblusterhasgottenusinto."Oh,comeonin,"theDispatchergrumbled."Enterfreelyandofyourownaccordandallthat.Inevercouldturnmybackonsomebodyintrouble.Guessthat'swhyI'venevertraveledtheotherdimensionsmyself.They'deatmealiveoutthere.""Thanks,Vilhelm,"Isaid,slippingpasthimintotheofficebeforehecouldchangehismind."You'llhavetoforgivemypartner.Hereallyisn'talwayslikethis.Beingondeathrowhasn'tdonemuchforhissenseofhumor.""IguessI'malittleedgymyself,"thevampiread-mitted."Strangeasitsounds,I'vebeenworriedaboutyoufolks...andyourmotor-mouthedfriendwho'sbeenkeepingmecompanyhasn'thelpedthingsmuch."MYTH-INGPERSONS123Ididaquicknosecountofourtroop."Waitaminute,"Ifrowned."Who'sbeenwaitingforus?"NowitwasVilhelm'sturntolooksurprised."Didn'toneofyousendoutforawerewolf?Hesaidhewaswithyou.""Aahh!ButIam!Myfriends,theydonotknowmeyet,butIshallbetheirsalvation,no?"Withthat,Iwasoverwhelmedbyashaggyrug.Well,

atleastthat'swhatIthoughtuntilitcameoffthefloorandthrewitselfintomyarmswiththeenthusiasmofapuppy...averylargepuppy."What'sthat?!."Aahzsaid,hiseyesnarrowingdan-gerously."Skeeve,can'tIleaveyoualoneforafewdayswithoutyoupickingupeverystrayinanygivendi-mension?""That,"inthiscase,wasoneofthescroffiest-look-ingwerewolvesI'deverseen...realizing,ofcourse,thatuntilthismomentI'donlyseentwo.Hehaddarkbushyeyebrows(ifyou'llbelievethatonawerewolf)andworeawhitestockingcapwithamapleleafontheside.Hiswhiskerswerecarefullygroomedintoahan-dlebarmustache,andwhatmighthavebeenagoateepeeredfrombeneathhischin.Actually,viewedpiece-meal,hewasverywell-groomed.It'sjustwhentakeninitsentiretythathelookedscroffy.Maybeitwastheleer...."Honest,Aahz,"Iprotested,tryingtountanglemyself."I'veneverseenhimbeforeinmylife!""Oh,butforgiveme,"thebeastsaid,releasingmesosuddenlyIalmostfell."Iamsostupeed,Iforgettoin-troduce.So!Iamanartistextraordinaire,butalso,Iamzefinesttrack-airinzeland.Myfriends,theWoofWriters,theyhavetoldmeofyourproblemandIhaveflownlikezewindtoaidyou.No?IamPepeLeGarouA.andIamatyourservice."124MYTH-INGPERSONS125RobertAsprinWiththat,hesweptintoalowbowwithaflourishthatifIhadn'tbeensoflabbergastedIwouldhaveap-plauded.ItoccurredtomethatnowIknewwhytheWoofWritershadsnickeredwhentheytoldustheyknewofsomeonewhocouldhelp."Boss,"Guidosaid,hisvoicemuffledbyhishand,whichhewasholdingoverhisnoseandmouth."ShallIwaitoutside?"Tanandacockedaneyebrowathim.

"Allergyproblems?Here,trysomeofthis.Nodimensiontravelershouldbewithoutit."Sheproducedasmallvialandtossedittomybodyguard."Rubsomeontoyourupperlipjustbelowyournose.""Gee,thanks,"Guidosaid,followingherinstruc-tions."Whatisit?""It'sacounter-allergenicpaste."Sheshrugged."Ithinkithasagarlicbase.""WHAT?"mybodyguardexclaimed,droppingthevial.Tanandafavoredhimwithoneofherimpishgrins."Justkidding.Nunziowasworriedaboutyouandtoldusaboutyourallergies...allofthem."Herbrotherswattedherlightlyontherump."Shameonyou,littlesister,"hesaid,smilinginspiteofhimself."AfteryougetdoneapologizingtoGuido,Isuggestyoudothesameforourhost.Ithinkyounearlygavehimaheartattackwiththatlastlittlejoke."Thiswas,ofcourse,justwhatIneededwhilestrandedinahostiledimension.Anervousvampire,amelo-dramaticwerewolf,andnowmyteammatesdecideit'stimetoplaypracticaljokesoneachother."Ummm...tellme,Mr.A.,"Isaid,ignoringmyotherproblemsandturningtothewerewolf."Doyouthinkyoucan....""No,non,"heinterrupted."EetissimplyPepe,eh?""PepeA.,"Irepeateddutifully."Zat'sright,"hebeamed,apparentlydelightedwithmyabilitytolearnasimplephrase."Now,beforewe...howyousay,getdowntozebusiness,wouldyoudomezehon-airofintroducingmetoyourcolleagues?""Oh.Sorry.Thisismypartner,Aahz.He's....""Butofcourse!ZefamousAahz!Ihavesolongwishedtomeetyou."Ifthere'sanythingthatcancoaxAahzoutofabadmood,it'sflattery...andPepeseemedtobeanexpertinthatcategory."You'veheardofme?"heblinked."Imean...

whatexactlyhaveyouheard?Therehavebeensomanyadventuresovertheyears.""Doyounotremem-bairPiere?IwasraisedfromapuponhistalesofyourfightwithIsstvan.""Piere?YouknowPiere?""DoIknowhim?Heismyuncle!""Nokidding.Hey,Tananda!Didyouhearthat?Pepehere'sPiere'snephew.Wait'11wetellGus."Iretiredfromtheconversation,apparentlyforgotteninthereunion."Say,Skeeve,"Vilhelmsaid,appearingatmyside."Itlookslikethiscouldtakeawhile.ShouldIbreakoutthewine?"Thatgotmyattention."Wine?You'vegotwine?""Stockeduponitafteryourlastvisit,"thevampireadmittedwithagrin."Figureditmightcomeinhandythenexttimeyoucamethrough.Imaygripeabit,buttalkingtoyouandyourfriendsisalotmorefunthanwatchingthetubes.""Wellbringitout...butIgetthefirstglass.Unlessyou'vegotlotstherewon'tbemuchleftaftermypart-nertheregetshisclawsonit."Iturnedbacktotheproceedingsjustintimetosee

126RobertAsprinPepekissingmyapprentice'shand."Donotbeafraid,mylittleflow-air,"hewassaying."Hereisonewhotrulyappreciatesyourbeauty,aswellas...howshouldIsayit,itsquantity?""You'rekindacute,"Masshagiggled."ButIneverdidgoinmuchforinter-speciesdating,ifyougetmydrift."IcaughtAahz'sattentionanddrewhimawayfromthegroup."Couldyoutakeoverforawhilehere,partner?"I

said."I'vebeenrunningnonstopsincethestartofthisthingandcouldusealittletimebymyselftorechargemybatteriesbeforewefireupagain.""Noproblem,"henodded,layingahandonmyshoulder."Ifigurewewon'tbemovingbeforesunup...andSkeeve?Ihaven'thadachancetosayit,butthanksforthebail-out.""Don'tmentionit,"Igrinnedweakly."Tellmeyouwouldn'tdothesameforme.""Don'tknow,"heretorted."You'veneversucker-punchedmeatthebeginningofacaper.""NowthatIstilloweyoufor."Justthen,Vilhelmappearedwiththewine,andAahzhurriedawaytorejointhegroup.Imanagedtosnagagobletandretiredtoasecludedcornerwhilethepartywentintohighgear.Pepeseemedtobefittinginwellwiththerestoftheteam,ifnotfu-tioningasacombinationjesterandsparkplug,butsomehowIfeltabitdistant.Sippingmywine,Istaredoffintothedistanceatnothinginparticular,lettingmythoughtswander."What'sthetrouble,handsome?""Hmmm?Oh.Hi,Tananda.Nothinginparticular.Justalittletired,that'sall.""MindifIjoinyou?"shesaid,droppingtothefloorbesidemebeforeIcouldstopher."So.AreyougoingMYTH-INGPERSONS127totellmeaboutit?Whoisshe?"Iturnedmyheadslowlytolookatherdirectly."Ibegyourpardon?"Shekepthereyesaverted,idlyrunningonefingeraroundtherimofhergoblet."Look,"shesaid,"ifyoudon'twanttotalkaboutit,justsayso...it'sreallynoneofmybusiness.Justdon'ttrytokidmeoryourselfthatthere'snothingbotheringyou.I'veknownyoualongtimenow,andIcanusuallytellwhenthere'ssomethingeatingyou.Mybestguessrightnow,ifI'manyjudgeofthephenom-enon,isthatit'sagirl."

EversinceI'dmetTananda,I'dhadacrushonher.Withherwords,though,IsuddenlyrealizedhowbadlyIwantedsomeonetotalkto.Imean,toGuidoandMasshaIwasanauthorityfigure,andIwasn'tabouttoopenuptoAahzuntilIwassurehe'dtaketheproblemseriouslyandnotjustlaugh,andasforChumley...howdoyoutalkaboutwomanproblemswithatroll?"Okay.Yougotme,"Isaid,lookingbackintomywine."It'sagirl.""Ithoughtso,"Tanandasmiled."Wherehaveyoubeenkeepingher?Tellme,isshebeautifulandsen-sitive?""Allthatandmore."Inodded,takinganotherdrinkfrommygoblet."She'salsoonthewrongside.""Woops,"Tanandasaid,straighteningup."You'dbetterrunthatonepastmeagain."IfilledherinonmyencounterswithLuanna.Itriedtokeepitunbiasedandinformative,butevenIcouldtellthatmytoneswerelesscontrolledthanIwouldhaveliked.TanandasatinsilenceforafewmomentsafterI'dfinished,huggingherlegsandwithherchinproppeduponherknees."Well,"shesaidatlast,"fromwhatyousay,she's128RobertAsprinanaccompliceatbest.Maybewecanlethergoafterwegetthemallroundedup.""Sure."Myvoicewasflat.BothTanandaandIknewthatonceAahzgotonhishighhorsetherewasnotellinghowmercifulorvicioushewouldbeatanygivenpoint."Well,there'salwaysachance,"sheinsisted."Aahzhasalwayshadasoftspotwhereyou'reconcerned.Ifyouintercedeforher,andifshe'swillingtoabandonherpartners....""...and,ifatablehadwings,wecouldflyitbacktotheBazaar."Ifrowned."No,Tananda.Firstofall,shewon'tgiveupherpartnersjustbecausethey'reina

crunch.ThatmuchIknow.Besides,ifIputthatkindofpressureonher,tochoosebetweenmeandthem,I'dneverknowforsureifshereallywantedmeorifshewasjusttryingtosaveherownskin."Tanandagottoherfeet."Don'tbecomesowisethatyou'restupid,Skeeve,"shesaidsoftlybeforesheleft."Remember,Luanna'salreadychosenyoutwiceoverherpartners.Bothtimesshe'sriskedherlifeandtheirgetawaytopassyouawarning.Maybeallsheneedsiswhatyouhaven'tyet'givenher—aninvitationforachanceatanewlifewithanewpartner.Don'tbesoproudorinsecurethatyou'dthrowagenuineadmirertothewolvesratherthanruntheriskofmakingamistake.Ifyoudid,Idon'tthinkI'dlikeyoumuch...andIdon'tthinkyouwouldeither."IponderedTananda'sadviceaftershe'dgone.TherewasoneadditionalcomplicationIhadn'thadthenervetomentiontoher.WhateverLuanna'sfeelingsformewere,howwouldtheychangewhenshefoundoutI'dusedherscarf...hertokenofaffection,toguideapackofhunterstotheirtarget?

ChapterFifteen:

"Everybodyneedsacareermanager!"—LADYMACBETH"Sowhereishe?"Aahzgrumbledforthehundredthtime...inthelastfiveminutes.Thesunhadbeenupforhours,oratleastasupasitseemedtogetinthisdimension.SincemyarrivalinLimbo,IhadneverseenwhatIamaccustomedtothink-ingofasfullsunlight.Whethertheconstantheavyover-castconditionwhichseemedtoprevailduringdaylighthourswastheresultofmagicorsomestrangemeteor-ologicconditionIwasneversure,butitdidnothingtoalleviatetheairofgloomthatclungtothetownofBlutlikeashroud.Thewholeteamwasimpatienttogetstarted,butAahzwastheonlyonewhoindulgedhimselfinexpress-inghisfeelingsasoften...orasloudly.Ofcourse,itmighthavebeensimplythathewasmakingsomuchofafussthattheotherswerewillingtolethimprovidethenoiseforallofthemratherthanlettingtheirowneffortsgetconstantlyupstaged."Justtakeiteasy,partner,"Isaidsoothingly,strug-129130RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS131glingtokeepfromsnappingathiminmyownnervousimpatience."Therearen'tthatmanyall-daystoresinthisdimension.""Whatdoyouexpect,dealingwithabunchofvam-pires,"hesnapped."Istilldon'tlikethisidea.Non-magicaldisguisesseemunnaturalsomehow."Iheavedaquietsighinsideandleanedbacktowait,proppingmyfeetuponachair.ThisparticularquarrelwasoldbeforeVilhelmhadleftonhisshoppingtrip,

andIwastiredgoingoveritagainandagain."Bereasonable,Aahz,"Tanandasaid,takinguptheslackforme."Youknowwecan'twanderaroundtownlikethis...especiallyyouwithhalfthecitylookingforyou.Weneeddisguises,andwithoutadecentpowersource,Skeeveherecan'thandledisguisesforallofus.Besides,it'snotlikewe'reusingmechanicalmagic.Wewon'tbeusingmagicatall.""That'swhateverybodykeepstellingme,"mypart-nergrowled."We'rejustgoingtoalterourappearanceswithoutusingspells.Thatsoundslikemechanicalmagictome.Doyouknowwhat'sgoingtohappentoourreputationsifwordofthisgetsbacktotheBazaar?Par-ticularlywithmostofthecompetitionlookingforachancetosplashalittlemudontheGreatSkeeve'sname?Remember,we'realreadygettingcomplaintsthatourpricesaretoohigh,andifthisgetsout...."Thelightdawned.IcouldfinallyseewhatwaseatingatAahz.Ishouldhaveknowntherewasmoneyatthebottomofthis."ButAahz,"Ichimedin,"ourfeesareoverpriced.I'vebeensayingthatformonths.Imean,it'snotlikeweneedthemoney....""...andI'vebeentellingyouformonthsthatit'stheonlywaytokeeptheriff-rafffromdrainingawayallyourpracticetime,"heshotbackangrily."Remember,yourname'ssupposedtobetheGreatSkeeve,nottheRedCross.Youdon'tdocharity."Nowwewereonfamiliarground.Unlikethedisguisething,thiswasoneargumentInevertiredof."I'mnottalkingaboutcharity,"Isaid."I'mtalkingaboutafairfeeforservicesrendered.""Fairfee?"mypartnerlaughed,rollinghiseyes."YoumeanlikethatdealyoucutwithWatzisname?Didheevertellyouaboutthatone,Tananda?WecatchasillybirdforthisDeveel,see,andmypartnerchargeshimaflatfee.Notapercentage,mindyou,aflatfee.Andhowmuchofaflatfee?Ahundredgoldpieces?Athousand.No.TEN.Tenlousygoldpieces.Andhalfan

hourlatertheDeveelsellshis'poorlittlebird'foroverahundredthousand.Nicetoknowwedon'tdocharity,isn'tit?""C'mon,Aahz,"Iargued,writhinginside."Thatwasonlyfiveminutes'work.HowwasIsupposedtoknowthesillybirdwasontheendangeredspecieslist?Even.youthoughtitwasagooddealuntilweheardwhatthefinalsalewas.Besides,ifIhadheldoutforaper-centageandtheDeveelhadbeenlegitandneversoldthething,wewouldn'thaveevengottentengoldpiecesoutofit.""Ineverheardthedetailsfromyourside,"Tanandasaid,"butwhatIpickeduponthestreetswasthateverybodyattheBazaarwasreallyimpressed.Mostfolksthinkthatit'samaster-strokeofPRforthehot-testmagicianattheBazaartohelpbringararitytothepublicforamerefractionofhisnormalfees.Itshowshe'ssomethingotherthanacold-heartedbusinessman...thathereallycaresaboutpeople.""Sowhat'swrongwithbeingacold-heartedbusi-nessman?"Aahzsnorted."Howabouttheotherguy?Everybodythinkshe'savillain,andhe'scryingallthewaytothebank.Heretiredontheprofitfromthatonesalealone."

132RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS133"UnlessNannymisledmehorriblywhenshetaughtmemynumbers,"Chumleyinterrupted,"Ifigureyourcurrentbankrollcouldeatthatfellow'sprofitandstillhaveroomforlunch.Anyreasonyou'resobigonsquir-relingawaysomuchgold,Aahz?Areyouplanningonretiring?""No,I'mnotplanningonretiring,"mypartnersnapped."Andyou'remissingthepointcompletely.Moneyisn'ttheobject."

"Itisn't?"Ithinkeverybodygrabbedthatlineatthesametime...evenPepe,whohadn'tknownAahzallthatlong."Ofcoursenot.Youcanalwaysgetmoregold.Whatcan'tbereplacedistime.WeallknowSkeeveherehasalongwaytogointhemagicdepartment.Whattherestofyoukeepforgettingishowshortalifespanhehastoplaywith...maybeahundredyearsifhe'slucky.AllI'mtryingtodoisgethimthemaximumlearningtimepossible...andthatmeanskeepinghimfromusingupmos,tofhistimeonnickel-and-dimeadventures.Letthesmalltimeoperatorsdothose.Mypartnershouldn'thavetobudgeawayfromhisstudiesunlesstheassign-mentissomethingreallyspectacular.Somethingthatwilladvancehisreputationandhiscareer."Therewasalongsilencewhileeverybodydigestedthatone,especiallyme.SinceAahzhadacceptedmeasafullpartnerinsteadofanapprentice,Itendedtofor-gethisroleasmyteacherandcareermanager.Thinkingbacknow,Icouldseehehadneverreallygivenupthework,justgottensneakier.Iwouldn'thavebelievedthatwaspossible."Howaboutthisparticularnickel-and-dimeadven-ture?"Tanandasaid,breakingthesilence."Youknow,pullingyourtailoutofascrape?Isn'tthisalittlelow-browforthekindoflegendyou'retryingtobuild?"Thesarcasminhervoicewasunmistakable,butitdidn'tphaseAahzintheleast."Ifyou'llaskaround,you'llfindoutthatIdidn'twanthimalongonthisjauntatall.Infact,Iknockedhimcoldtryingtokeephimout.Atop-flightmagicianshouldn'thavetostooptobillcollecting,especiallywhentheriskisdisproportionatelyhigh.""Well,itallsoundsalittlecold-bloodedformytaste,Aahz,"Chumleyputin."Ifyouextendyourlogic,ouryoungfriendhereisonlygoingtoworkwhenthedangerisastronomicallyhigh,andconverselyiftheadvance-menttohiscareerisenough,noriskistoogreat.Thatsoundstomelikeasure-firewaytoloseapartneranda

friend.LiketheGeeksays,ifyoukeepbuckingtheodds,soonerorlaterthey'regoingtocatchupwithyou."Mypartnerspuntoconfrontthetrollnose-to-nose."Ofcourseit'sgoingtobedangerous,"hesnarled."Themagicprofessionisn'tforthefaintofheart,andtohitthetophe'sgoingtohavetobehair-triggeredandmean.There'snoavoidingthat,butIcantrytobesurehe'sreadyforit.WhydoyouthinkI'vebeensodead-setagainsthimhavingbodyguards?Ifhestartsrelyingonotherpeopletowatchoutforhim,he'sgoingtolosetheedgehimself.That'swhenhe'sindangerofwalkingintoaswingingdoor."ThatbroughtGuidointothefray."NowletmeseeifI'vegotthisright,"mybodyguardsaid."Youdon'twantmeandmycousinNunzioaroundsothattheBossherecanhandleallthetroublehimself?That'scrazytalk,knowwhatImean?Nowlistentome,'causethistimeIknowwhatI'msayin'.Thehighersomeonegetsontheladder,themorefolkscomehuntin'forhishead.eveniftheydon'tdonothin'theygotpeoplegunningforthem,'causetheygotpowerandrespectandthere'salwayssomebodywhothinkstheycanstealit.NowI'veseensomeoftheBigGuys

134RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS135whotrytoactjustlikeyou'resayin'...they'resoscaredallthetimetheydon'ttrustnothin'ornobody.Theonlyonetheycancountonisthemselves,andeverybodyelseissuspect.Thatincludestotalstrangers,theirownbodyguards,theirfriends,andtheirpartners.Thinkaboutthatforaminute."

Heleanedbackandsurveyedtheroom,addressinghisnextcommentstoeveryone."Peoplelikethatdon'tlastlong.Theydon'ttrustnobody,sotheygotnobody.Yacan'tdoeverythingaloneandsoonerorlaterthey'relookin'thewrongwayorasleepwhentheyshouldbewatchin'andit'sallover.NowI'vedonealotofjobsasabodyguard,andtheywerejustjobs,knowwhatImean?TheBosshereisdif-ferent,andI'mnotjustsayin'that.He'sthebestmanI'vemetinmywholelifebecausehelikespeopleandain'tafraidtoshowit.Moreimportant,heain'tafraidtoriskhisnecktohelpsomebodyevenifitisn'tinhisbestinterest.IworkdoublehardforhimbecauseIdon'twanttoseeanythinghappentohim...andifthatmeanscomin'alongonweirdtripslikethis,thenthat'sthewayitis.Anybodythatwantstohurthimisgonnahavetocomethroughme...andthatincludesfightin'anyofyouifyouwanttotrytoturnhimintosomethin'heisn'tanddoesn'twanttobe."Masshabrokeinwithaloudclappingofherhands."Bravo,Guido,"shesaid."Ithinkyourproblem,GreenandScaly,isthatyourideaofsuccessisoutofstepwitheveryoneelse's.WeallwanttoseegoodthingshappenforSkeeve,here,butwealsolikehimjustthewayheis.We'vegotenoughfaithinhisgoodsensetobackhiminwhatevermovehemakesinhisdevelop-ment...withouttryingtofrog-marchortrickhimupaspecificpath."Aahznotonlygavegroundbeforethisonslaughtofprotest,heseemedtoshrinkinalittleonhimself."Ilikehimtoo,"hemumbled."I'veknownhimlongerthananyofyou,remember?He'sdoingfine,buthecouldbesomuchmore.Howcanhechooseapathifhecan'tseeit?AllI'mtryingtodoissethimuptobebiggerthanI...thanwecouldeverthinkofbeingourselves.What'swrongwiththat?"DespitemyirritationathavingmylifediscussedasifIweren'tintheroom,Iwasquitetouched,bymyfriends'loyaldefenseofme,andmostofallbyAahz.

"Youknow,partner,"Isaidsoftly,"foraminutethere,yousoundedjustlikemyfather.Hewantedmetobethebest...ormorespecifically,tobebetterthanhewas.Mymomalwaystriedtotellmethatitwasbecausehelovedme,butatthattimeitjustsoundedlikehewasalwaysbeingcritical.Maybeshewasright...I'mmoreinclinedtobelieveittodaythanIwasthen,butthenagain,I'moldernow.Ifnothingelse,I'vehadtotrytotellpeopleIlovethemwhenthewordsjustwon'tcome...andgottenupsetwithmyselfwhentheycouldn'tseeitwhenItriedtoshowthem."Aahz,IappreciateyourconcernandIwantyourguidance.You'reright,therearepathsandoptionsIcan'tevencomprehendyet.ButIalsohavetochoosemyownway.IwanttobebettereventuallythanIamtoday,butnotnecessarilythebest.IthinkGuide'sright,there'sabigpricetagattachedtobeingatthetop,andI'dwanttothinklongandhardifIwantedtopayit...evenifIwasconvincedIcould,whichI'mnot.IdoknowthatifitmeansgivingupthetrustIhaveinyouandeverybodyelseinthisroom,I'llsettleforbeinganickel-and-dimeoperator.ThatpriceI'llneverpaywill-ingly."Silencestartedtodescendagainaseachofusre-treatedintohisorherownthoughts,thenthewerewolfboundedintothemiddleoftheassemblage."Butwhatisthis,eh?"hedemanded."Surelythis

136RobertAsprincannotbezegreatteamofAahzandSkeeve,zeoneswhocanlaughatanydan-gair?""Youknow,Pepe,"Aahzsaidwarningly,"you'vegotagreatfutureasastuffedhead.""Myhead?"Thewerewolfblinked."Butsheisnot...oohh.Iseenow.Youmakezejoke,eh?Good.Zat

ismorelikeit.""...andasfaraslaughingatdangergoes,"Ijoinedin,determinedtoholdupmyendofthelegend,"theonlydangerIseehereisdyingofboredom.WhereisVilhelmanyway?""IknowyouandAahzarefondofeachother,Skeeve,"Chumleyyawned,"butyou'vegottospendmoretimewithotherpeople.You'restartingtosoundlikehim.MaybeyoucantagalongthenexttimeIhaveanassignment.""Overmydeadbody,"mypartnersaid."Besides,whatcouldhelearnfromatrollthatIcouldn'tteachhimmyself?""JcouldteachhimnottocatchbirdsforDeveelsfortengoldpieces,"thetrollgrinned,winkingathissister."Thatseemstobeapartofhiseducationyou'vene-glected.""Izzatso!"mypartnerbristled."You'regoingtoteachhimaboutpricesetting?Howaboutthetimeyousetyourownsisteruptostealanelephantwithoutbotheringtocheck....".Andtheywereoffagain.AsIlistened,Ifoundmyselfreflectingonthefactthatwhileitwasnicetoknowthedepthsofmyfriends'feelingsaboutme,itwasfarmorecomfortablewhentheymanagedtoconcealitunderacloakofbanter.Forthemostpart,opensincerityishardertotakethanfriendlylaughter.

ChapterSixteen:

"Don'tbefooledbyappearances."—MALLOYTHINGSwereprettymuchbacktonormalbythetimeVilhelmreturnedwithourdisguises...whichwasagoodthingastheprocessofmasking-upprovedtobeatestofeverybody'ssenseofhumor.UntilIhadhookedupwithAahz,Ihadneverhadoc-casiontopretendIwasanyonebutmyself.Assuch,Ihadnowayofknowinghowlongittooktodonaphysicaldisguisewithoutresortingtomagic.Bythetimeweweredone,IhadanewrespectfortheskillsIhadlearned,nottomentionareallongingforadimension...anydimensionwithastrongforcelinetoworkwith.Tanandawasamajorhelp,herexperienceswiththeassassin'sguildcameintoplayandshetooktheleadintryingtocoachusintoournewroles."Guido,straightenup!"shecommanded,exaspera-tioncreepingintohervoice."Youwalklikeagang-ster.""Iamagangster!"mybodyguardsnarledback.137

138RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS139"Besides,what'swrongwiththewayIwalk?Itgotustothejail,didn'tit?""Halfthetownwasn'tlookingforyouthen,"Ta-nandaargued."Besides,thenyoucouldpickyourownroute.Wedon'tknowwheretheopposition'sholedup.We'regoingtohavetowalkthroughcrowdsonthishunt,andthatwalkjustdoesn'tmakeit.Ninetypercentofcostumingislearningtomovelikethecharacter

you'retryingtoportray.Rightnowyoumovelikeyou'relookingforafight.""TrywalkinglikeDonBruce,"Isuggested."He'sagangster,too."Thatearnedmeablacklook,butmybodyguardtriedtofollowmyinstructions,risingupontheballsofhisfeetandmincingalong."Better,"Tanandasaid,leavingGuidoprancingupanddowntheroomwithascowlonhisface."Howarewedoing?""Lousy,"sheconfidedinme."Thisistakingalotlonger,thanitshould.Iwishthereweremoremirrorsinthisplace...heck,anymirrorswouldbenice."Ithadn'tbeenuntilwestartedgearingupthatwereal-izedtheDispatcherhadnomirrorsatall.Heclaimedtheyweren'tpopularornecessaryamongvampires.Thisleftuswiththeunenviablejobofcheckingeachothers'make-upandcostumes,achorewhichwouldhavebeenHomericeveniflesssensitiveegoswerein-volved."How'remyteeth?"Masshademanded,stickingherheadinfrontofmeandopeninghermouth.Itwaslikestaringintothedepthsofanundergroundcave."Umm...theleftsideisokay,butyou'restillmiss-ingafewontheright.HangonasecondandI'llgiveyouahand."Teethwereturningouttobeaspecialproblem.WehadhopedtofindsomeoftherubberfangssoprevalentintheBazaarnoveltystorestoaidinourdisguises.Un-fortunately,noneoftheshopsinBluthadthem.Theclosestthingtheyhadinstock,accordingtoVilhelm,wererubbersetsofhumanteethdesignedtofitoverfangs.Thevampireassuredusthatlocallytheywereconsideredquitefrightening.Facedbythisunforeseenshortage,wewereresortingtousingtoothblacktoblackenallourteethexceptthecaninesforacloseap-proximationofthevampiresweweretryingtoimitate.Whenwetrieditout,itwasn'tabadeffect,buttheac-

tualapplicationwascausingcountlessproblems.Whenonetriedtoapplythestuffononeselfwithoutamirror,itwasdifficulttogettherightteeth,andifonecalledonone'sfriendsforassistance,onerapidlyfoundthatsaidfriendwassoonpossessedbyanoverpoweringimpulsetopaintone'stongueblackinsteadoftheteeth."Idon'tlikethiscloak,"Guidoannounced,grabbingmyarm."Iwanttowearmytrenchcoat.""Vampiresdon'tweartrenchcoats,"Isaidfirmly."Besides,thecloakreallylooksgreatonyou.Makesyoulook...Idon'tknow,debonairbutmenacing.""Yeah?"heretortedskeptically,craninghisnecktotrytoseehimself."Youthinkyou'vegotproblems?"Masshaburstin."LookatwhatI'msupposedtowear!I'lltradeyourcloakforthisriganyday."Asyoumighthavenoticed,theteamwashavingmorethanalittledifficultyadaptingtotheirdisguises.Masshainparticularwasrebellingagainsthercostume.Afterhavingbeenfloatedoverourescapelikeabal-loonoveraparade,wefearedthatshewouldbeoneofthemostimmediatelyrecognizableofourgroup.Assuch,wenotonlydyedhergarishorangehair,wein-

140RobertAsprinsistedthathernewcostumecoverasmuchofheraspos-sible.Tothisend,Vilhelmhadfoundadresshecalleda"moo-moo,"anamewhichdidnothingtowardendear-ingthegarmenttomyapprentice."Imean,really.HighRoller,"shesaid,backingmetowardacorner."Isn'titbadenoughthathalfthetown'sseenmeasablimp?TellmeIdon'thavetobeacownow.""Honest,Massha,"Vilhelmputin."ThestyleisfairlypopularhereinBlut.Alotoftheladieswearit

whoare...thatis,areabit....""Fat!?"Sheloomedoverthelittlevampire."Isthatthewordyou'regropingfor,ShortandAboutToBecomeExtinct?""Let'sfaceit,dear,"Tanandasaid,comingtotherescue."Youarecarryingalittleextraweightthere.Believeme,ifthere'sonetimeyoucan'tkidyourselfaboutyourbody,it'swhenyou'redonningcostumes.Ifanything,thatoutfitmakesyoulookalittleslimmer.""Don'ttrytokidakidder,sweetie,"Masshasighed."Butyou'rerightaboutthecostumingthing.Thisthingissodrab,though.FirstI'mablimp,andnowI'manarmytent.""NowthatI'llagreewith,"Tanandanodded."Trustamantofindadrabmu-mu.Tellyouwhat.There'sascarfIwasgoingtouseforabelt,butmaybeyoucouldwearitaroundyourneck."Iwasafraidthatlastcrackwouldtouchoffanotherexplosion,butMasshatookitasahelpfulsuggestionandthetwoofthemwentoffinsearchofotherpossibleadornments."Gotaminute,partner?"FromthetoneofAahz'svoice,IknewthemomentIhadbeendreadinghadarrived.MYTH-INGPERSONS141Chumleydidn'thavetoworryaboutadisguiseatall,astrollswerenotuncommoninthisdimension.Ta-nandaalsoinsistedthatshelookedenoughlikeavam-piretopasswithonlyminimalmodifications.Ihadn'tseenanyvampireswithgreenhair,butsheclaimedthatshehad,so,asalways,Iyieldedtohergreaterex-perienceinthesematters.Iwasalsoonthe"minimaldisguise"list,everyoneagreeingthatnooneinBluthadgottenenoughofalookatmetofixtheimageintheirmind.WhileIwasn'twildaboutbeingsounmemorable,Iwentalongwithit...especiallywhenIsawwhatGuidoandMasshaweregoingthrough.Theproblemswiththosetwonotableshavealreadybeenmentioned:

troublesome,butnotinsurmountable.ThentherewasAahz...."Istheresomethingwrong?"Iaskedinnocently."Youbetyourdragonthere'ssomethingwrong!"mypartnersnarled."Anddon'ttrytoplayinnocentwithme!Itdidn'tworkwhenyouweremyapprentice,anditsureisn'tgoingtoworknow."Aahz'sdisguisehadpresenteduswithsomeknottyproblems.Notonlywashethemostwantedmemberofourparty,hewasalsoeasilythemostdistinctive.Afterthetrialandhistimeinjail,itwasdoubtfulthattherewasasinglecitizenofBlutwhowouldn'trecognizehimonsight.Imean,therejustaren'tthatmanyscalygreendemonswanderingaroundanydimension...exceptpossiblyhishomedimensionofPerv.Itwasthereforedecided...almostunanimously...thatnotonlywouldwechangemypartner'scolorwithmake-up,butthatitwouldalsobenecessarytochangehissex."Doesthis,perchance,havesomethingtodowithyourdisguise?"Iinquired,tryingtokeepastraightface."Yes,ithassomethingtodowithmydisguise,"he142RobertAsprinmimicked,"and,sohelpme,partnerorno,ifyouletthatsmilegetaway,I'llpunchyourlightsout.Under-stand?"WithagreateffortIsuckedmycheeksinandbitmylowerlip."Seriously,though,"hesaid,almostpleading,"ajoke'sajoke,butyoudon'treallyexpectmetogooutinpubliclookinglikethis,doyou?"Inadditiontotheaforementionedmake-up,Aahz'sdisguiserequiredadressandawig.Becauseofthesizeofhishead(aproblemVilhelmhadwiselydown-playedasmuchaspossible)theselectionofwigsavailablehadbeenunderstandablysmall.Infact,theonlyavailableinhissizewasanumbercalled"LadyGo-GoDiva,"whichinvolvedahighblondebeehivestyleoffsetbyalong

ponytailthathungdowntohisknees.Actually,theponytailturnedouttobeablessingindisguise,asthedarkbluedressVilhelmhadselectedformypartnerturnedouttohaveanexceptionallylowneckline,andthehairdrapedoverhisshoulderhelpedhidetheprob-lemwehadhadfindingampleorsuitablematerialtostuffhisbosomwith."AsmywiseoldmentoroncetoldmewhenIwasfacedwithasimilardilemma,"Isaidsagely,"whatdoesitmatterwhatpeoplethinkofyou?Theyaren'tsupposedtoknowit'syou,anyway.That'sthewholeideaofadisguise.""Butthisget-upishumiliating!""MywordspreciselywhensomeoneelseIcouldnamedeemeditnecessaryformetodressupasagirl,remem-ber?""You'reenjoyingthis,aren'tyou?"Aahzglowered,peeringatmesuspiciously."Well,thereareacoupleofotheroptions,"Iad-mitted.MYTH-INGPERSONS143"That'smorelikeit!"hegrinned,reachingforhiswig."Youcouldstaybehind...."Hishandstoppedjustshortofitsmission."...orwecouldforgetthewholethingandpaythefineourselves."Thehandretreatedasmypartner'sshoulderssaggedindefeat.Ifeltnojoyatthevictory.Ifanything,Ihadbeenhalfhopinghewouldbeembarrassedenoughtotakemeuponmysuggestionofabandoningtheproject.Ishouldhaveknownbetter.Whenthere'smoneyin-volved,ittakesmorethanembarrassmenttothrowAahzoffthescent....hethertheembarrassmentishisownorsomeoneelse's."Allright,everybody,"-Icalled,hidingmydisap-pointment."Arewereadytogo?""Rememberyoursunglasses!"Tanandaadded.Thatwasthefinaltouchtoourdisguises.Tohideour

non-redeyes,eachofusdonnedapairofsunglasses.Surveyingthefinalresult,IhadtoadmitthatasidefromTanandaandChumley,wedidn'tlooklikeus.ExactlywhatwedidlooklikeIwouldn'tventuretosay,butwesuredidn'tlooklikeusi"Okay,"Aahzchimedin,hisdiscomfortapparentlybehindhim."Doeseveryonehavetheirmarchingorders?Vilhelm?Areyousureyoucantrackusonthatthing?""Noproblem,"thelittlevampirenodded."WhenthingsgetslowaroundhereIusethisrigtodoalittlewindowpeekingrighthereintown.Coveringthestreetsiseveneasier.""Remember,"Itoldhim,"watchforoursignal.WhenwecatchupwiththisViccharacter,we'regoingtowantyoutogetsomeresponsiblelocalwitnessestherechop-chop."144RobertAsprin"Wellnow,"Aahzgrinnedevilly,"youdon'thavetobetooquickaboutit.Iwouldn'tmindhavingalittletimealonewithhimbeforeweturnhimovertotheauthorities."Myheartsankalittle.Aahzsoundeddeterminedtoexactabitofvengeanceoutofthishunt,andIwasn'tatallsurehewouldrestricthimselftoVicwhenitcametimetoexpresshisire.IthinkTanandanoticedmyconcern."Easeupalittle,Aahz,"shesaidcasually."Idon'tmindhelpingyououtofatightspot,butcountmeoutwhenitcomestoexcessiveforceforthesakeofvenge-ance.Itlacksclass.""Sincewhendidyouworryaboutexcessivevio-lence?"Aahzgrowled,thenshruggedhisacceptance."Okay.Butmaybewe'llgetlucky.Maybehe'llresistar-rest."Iwasstillworried,butrealizedthatthatwasaboutthemostrestraintIwouldgetoutofmypartner.."Nowthatthat'ssettled,"Isaid,producingLu-

anna'sscarf,"Pepe,takeawhiffofthis.""Enchanting,"hesmiled,nuzzlingthepieceofcloth."Ayounglady,no?Eefzebodyisasgoodaszearoma,Iwillfollowhertotheendofzeworldwhetheryouac-companymeornot."Iresistedanimpulsetowrapthescarfaroundhisneckandpull."Allright,everybody,"Isaid,retrievingthescarfandtuckingitbackintomytunicinwhatIhopedwasacasualmanner."Let'sgocatchusarenegadevampire."

ChapterSeventeen:

"Thetrail'sgottobe'roundheresome-where!"—D.BOONEITwasonlyafewhoursshortofsunsetaswesetoutonourquest,anaggingreminderofexactlyhowlongoureffortsatphysicaldisguisehadtaken.WehadagreedtoavoidfollowingPepeasagroupsoasnottoattractat-tention.Instead,wemovedsinglyoringroupsoftwo,usingbothsidesofthestreetanddeliberatelywalkingatdifferentpaces.Thefasterwalkersaveragedtheirprog-resswiththeslowerbyoccasionallystoppingtolookintoshopwindows,therebykeepingourgrouptogetherwithoutactuallyappearingto.Tanandapointedoutthatnotonlywouldthisprocedurelessenourchancesofbeingnoticed,butalsothatitwouldmaximizeourchancesforatleastsomeofthegroup'sescapeifoneofusshouldbediscovered...atrulycomfortingthought.EventhoughLuannahadclaimedtohavebeenwatchingforusattheDispatcher's,ithadbeensolongagoIfullyexpectedherscentwouldhavelongsincedissipatedoratleastbeenmaskedbythepassageof145

146MYTH-INGPERSONS147RobertAsprinnumerousothers.Assuch,Iwasmoderatelysurprisedwhenthewerewolfsignaledalmostimmediatelythathehadfoundthetrailandheadedoffwithadeterminedair.EitherherscentwasstrongerthanIhadthought,orIbadgrosslyunderestimatedPepe'strackingability.

Thetrailwoundupanddownthecobblestonedstreets,andwefollowedasquicklyaswecouldwithoutabandoningourpretenseofbeingcasualstrollerswhodidnotknoweachother.Forawhile,ourgroupmadeupthemajorityofthebeingsvisible,causingmetodoubttheeffectivenessofourruse,butsoonthevam-piresbegantoemergetoindulgetheirtasteforthenightlifeandwebecamemuchlessobvious.IwaspairedupwithChumley,butthetrollwasstrangelyquietaswemadeourwayalong.AtfirstIthoughthewassimplyconcentratingonkeepingthewerewolfinsight,butastimeworeon,Ifoundthesilencesomehowunnerving.IhadalwaysrespectedChumleyasbeingoneofthesaner,levelerheadsamongourmotleyassemblage,andIwasstartingtohaveanuneasyimpressionthathewasnotwholeheartedlybe-hindthisventure."Istheresomethingbotheringyou,Chumley?"Iaskedatlast."Hmmm?Oh.Notreally,Skeeve.Iwasjustthink-ing.""Aboutthat?"Thetrollletoutasmallsigh."Iwasjustcontemplatingouradversary,thisVicfellow.Youknow,fromwhat'sbeensaid,he'squiteresourcefulinadevioussortofway."Thattookmealittleaback.SofarIhadconsideredourvampirefoetobeeverythingfromanannoyancetoanemesis.Theideaofstudyinghismethodshadneverenteredmymind."Whatleadsyoutothatconclusion?"Thetrollpursedhislipsasheorganizedhisthoughts."Considerwhathe'saccomplishedsofar.Theentiretimewe'veknownofhim,he'sbeenontherun...firstfromtheDeveels,andthenfromAahz,who'snoslouch'Sti^wnn.ingpeopleoncehesetshismindtoit.Now,assumingforthemomentthatVicisactuallythebrainsofthegroup,hewasquickenoughtotakeadvantageofbeingleftaloneinyourwaitingroomtoescapeoutthe

backdoor.Hecouldn'thaveplannedthatinadvance,evenknowingaboutthedoor.Heprobablyhadsomeotherplaninmind,andformulatedthisnewcourseofactiononthespot."Wepausedforamomenttoletasmallgroupofvam-pirescrosstheintersectioninfrontofus."Now,thatwouldhavesufficedforanescapeinmostinstances,buttheyhappenedtopickanexitroutethatleftyouandAahzresponsible,whichsetyourpartnerontheirtrail,"Chumleycontinued."Withnothingtogoonbutyourreputations.Vicnotonlycorrectlydeducedthathewouldbefollowed,buthealsoman-agedtospotAahz'sweaknessandexploitittoframehimandmakeitstick...again,nottheeasiesttask,particularlyrealizingitinvolvedconvincingandcoach-inghistwoaccomplicesintheirroles."Allofthiswasdoingnothingformypeaceofmind.Iwashavingenoughdifficultyforcingmyselftobelievethatwewerereallyhuntingavampire,thesortofcrea-ture1normallyavoidatallcosts,withouthavingtodealwiththepossibilitythathewasshrewdandresourcefulaswell.Still,Ihadlearnedthatignoringunpleasantelementsofacaperwasperhapstheworstwaytopre-pareforthem."Keepgoing,"Iurged."Well,"thetrollsighed,"whenyoustumbledonhis

148RobertAsprinhidingplaceattheWoofWriters,hedidn'tpanic.Hewaitedtohearasmuchofyourplansaspossible,allthewhiletakingadvantageoftheopportunitytoassessyoufirst-hand,thentimedhisescapesoastocatchyouallflatfooted."Idigestedthisdistastefuladditiontotherapidlygrowingdatafile."Doyoureallythinkhewassizingme

up?""There'snodoubtinmymind.Notonlywashegaugingyourskillsanddetermination,hewassuccessfulenoughatsecond-guessingyou,basedontheresultsofhisstudies,tobewaitingtosoundthealarmwhenyoubustedAahzoutofjail....aparticularlyboldmovewhenonerealizesthathewasrunningtheriskofbeingrecognized,whichwouldhaveblownhisframe-upofyourpartner.""Boldordesperate,"Isaidthoughtfully."That'sprobablywhyhewaiteduntilwehadactuallysprungAahzandwereonthewaydownbeforeheblewthewhistle.Ifwehadgottenawayunscathed,thentheframewouldbeuseless,soatthatpointhereallywasn'triskinganything.""Haveityourway,"thetrollshrugged."Thefinalanalysisremainsthatwehaveonetoughnuttocrack.Onecanonlywonderwhathewilldowhenwecatchupwithhimthistime.""Ifhe'sperforminguptopar,itcouldberoughonus."Chumleyshotmeasidelongglance."Actually,Iwasthinkingitcouldberoughonyourladyfair...ifhehasmanagedtoobservethefeelingsyouhaveforher."Istartedtoprotest,thentheimpactofhistheoryhitmeandmyembarrassmentgavewaytoconcern."Isitreallythatapparent?DoyouthinkhecouldMYTH-INGPERSONS149spotit?Ifso,hemightalreadyhavedonesomethingtoLuannaforhavingcontactedus.""Itstandsoutalloveryoutoanyonewhoknowsyou,"Chumleysaid,shakinghishead."Asforsome-onewatchingyouforthefirsttime...Ijustdon'tknow.He'dbemorelikelytodeduceitfromthein-formationyouhad...suchashisname.Thatkindofdatahadtocomefromsomewhere,thoughthere'sanoutsidechancethatwithyourcurrentreputationhe'llassumethatyougleaneditbysomemagicalsource."

Ibarelyheardhim.MymindwasfocusedonthepossibilitythatLuannamightbehurt,andthatImightindirectlyhavebeenthecause.Ablackwellofguiltwasrisinguptoswallowme,whenIfeltahandonmyshoulder."Don'ttuneoutnow,Skeeve,"Chumleywassaying,shakingmeslightly."Firstofall,we'regoingtoneedyoushortly.Secondly,evenifVic'sfiguredoutthatyou'reinlovewithher,Idon'tthinkhe'llhavehurther.Ifanything,he'llsaveherforatrumpcardtouseagainstus."Idrewadeepraggedbreath."...andhe'llbejustthebastardtodoit,too,"Isaid."Idon'tknowwhatI'llbeabletodo,forusorforher,butI'llbereadytotry.Thanks,Chumley."Thetrollwasstudyingmeclosely."Actually,Iwasn'tthinkingthathewassuchablighter,"hesaid."Morelikeaclever,resourcefulper-sonwho'sgotteninoverhisheadandistryinghisbesttoad-libhiswayout.Frankly,Skeeveoldboy,inmanywaysheremindsmeofyou.Youmightthinkaboutthatwhenattemptingtoappraisehislikelycoursesofactionandhowtocounterthem."Itriedagaintoweighwhathewassaying,butallIcouldthinkaboutwaswhattheconsequencesofthis150RobertAsprinhuntcouldmeantoLuanna.ItwasdifficultenoughformetoacceptthatwewouldhavetoforceLuannaandhercohortstoanswertotheauthoritiesfortheirin-discretions,butthethoughtofplacingherinphysicaldangerwasunbearable.IlookedaroundforAahz,fullyintendingtoputanendtothishuntonceandforall.Tomysurprise,therestofthegroupwasassembledonthecornerahead,andmypartnerwasbeckoningustojointhem."What'sgoingon?"Iasked,almosttomyself."Justoff-hand,"Chumleyreplied,"I'dsaywe'vereachedourdestination."

Acoldwaveoffearwashedoverme,andIhurriedtotherendezvouswithChumleyclosebehind."We'reinluck,"AahzannouncedasIarrived."GuidoheresayshesawVicenteringthebuildingjustaswegothere.It'smyguessthey'reallinsiderightnow.""Aahz,I—Iwantustoquitrightnow,"Iblurted,painfullyawareofhowweakitsounded."Oh?"mypartnersaid,cockinganeyebrowatme.."Anyparticularreason?"Ilickedmylips,feelingtheeyesofthewholegrouponme."Onlyone.I'minlovewithoneofthefugitives...thegirl.""Yeah.NowtellmesomethingIdidn'tknow,"Aahzsmirked,winkingatme."Youknew?""Allofusknew.Infact,wewerejustdiscussingit.Remember,weallknowyou...andmeprobablybestofall.It'salreadybeenprettymuchdecidedtoletyourlove-lightgo.Thinkofitasapresentfromustoyou.Theothertwoareours."Fiveminutesago,thatwouldhavemademedeliri-

MYTH-INGPERSONS151ouslyhappy.Now,itonlyseemedtocomplicatethings."ButChumleywasjustsayingthatthere'sachancetheymighthurtheriftheyfindoutshehelpedus,"Iex-plaineddesperately."Can'twejustletthemallgo?""Notachance,partner,"Aahzsaidfirmly."Inaddi-tiontoouroriginalreasons,you'vejustmentionedthenewone.Yourgirlfriendcouldbeintrouble,andtheonlywaytobesureshe'ssafeistoremoveherpartners...Fast.""Believehim,Skeeve,"Tanandaurged."Itmaynotbenice,butit'sthebestway.""Really,Boss,"Guidosaidquietly."Unlesswefin-ishthisthinghereandnow,you'renevergoin'toknow

ifshe'ssafe,knowwhatImean?"Thatalmostmadesense,butIwasstillworried."Idon'tknow,Aahz....""WellIdo,"mypartnersnapped."Andthelongerwestanddownhere,themorechancethereisthatthey'lleithergetawayorsetupatrap.Ifyou'reuncer-tain,staydownhere...infact,that'snotabadidea.Massha,youstaydownherewithhimincasetheytrytoboltoutthisway.Whileyou'rewaiting,watchforthewitnessesthatVilhelm'ssupposedtobesendingalong.Tananda,youandChumleyandGuidocomealongwithme.Thisisajobforexperiencedhard-cases.Pepe,weappreciateyourhelp,butthisisn'treallyyourfight.""Butofcourse."Thewerewolfgrinned."Besides,Iamalo-var,notafigh-tar.Iwillwaitheretoseethefinale,eh?""ButAahz....""Really,partner,you'llbemorehelpdownhere.Thisisn'tyourkindoffight,andweneedsomeonetodealwiththewitnesses.You'regoodatthatkindofthing.""IwasgoingtoaskifyouhadgiventhesignaltoVilhelm."152RobertAsprin"S'ignal?"Aahzblinked."How'sthisforasignal?!"Withthat,hetoreoffhiswigandthrewitontheground,followedcloselybyhisdress."Thinkhe'llgetthemessage?Besides,nowayamIgoingtotrytofightinthatget-up.""Nowyou'retalkin'!"Guidocrowed.Inaflashhehaddiscardedhiscloakandwaspullingonhisnow-familiartrenchcoat."Wheredidthatcomefrom?"Idemanded."Haditwithmeallthetime,"thebodyguardsaidsmugly."Itwouldhavebeenlikeleavinganoldfriendbehind.""Well,ifyouandyouroldfriendareready,"Ta-nandamurmured,"we'dbettergetstarted."Itchingforaction?"Aahzgrinned."No.Morelikeeagertogetoffthestreet,"shesaid.

"Sinceyouboyshaveshownyourtruecolors,we'restartingtodrawacrowd."Sureenough,thevampiresonthestreethadceasedwhatevertheyhadbeendoingbeforeandweregatheringinknots,whisperingtogetherandpointingatourgroup."Umm...we'dbetterfinishthisfast,"Aahzsaid,shootinganervousglancearound."Allright,gang.Let'sgoforthegusto!""Goforthewhat?"Iasked,buttheywerealreadyontheirwayintothebuilding.Inoticedtheywereallmovingfasterthannormal.IalsonoticedthatMassha,Pepe,andIweretheonlyonesleftonthestreet...andnowthecrowdwaspoint-ingatus!

ChapterEighteen:

"Ididn'tcomeallthiswaytositoutthefight!"—R.BALBOA"WHAT'Sgoingon?"Ilookedaroundtofindthatoneofthevampireshaddetachedhimselffromhisgroupoffriendsandwasad-dressingmedirectly."Beatsme,"Masshainterceded."Abunchofoff-worldertypesjusttookoffintothatbuildingwithbloodintheireyes.I'mwaitingtoseewhathappensnext.""Farout,"thevampirebreathed,peeringtowardthestructure."Ihaven'tseenthatmanyoff-worldersinoneplaceexceptintheflickers.Wasn'toneofthemthatescapedmurderer,Aahz?"Ireallydidn'twantthischaractertojoinourlittlegroup.Whileourdisguisesseemedtobeholdingupundercasualinspection,Iwasprettysurethatpro-longedclosescrutinywouldrevealnotonlythenon-localnatureofMasshaandmyself,butalsothefactthatweweretryingtohideit."Youmayberight,"Isaid,playingahunch."Ifso,153RobertAsprin154it'sagoodthingyouhappenedalong.We'regoingtoneedallthehelpwecanget.""Help?Helpforwhat?""Whytocatchthemurderer,ofcourse.Wecan'tlethimgetawayagain.Ifigureit'sourdutytostophimourselvesoratleastslowhimupuntiltheauthoritiesar-rive.""We?Youmeanthethreeofyou?You'regoingtotrytostopamurdererallbyyourselves?""Fourofusnowthatyou'rehere."

Thevampirestartedbackingaway."Ummm...actuallyI'vegottogetbacktomyfriends.We'reonourwaytoaparty.SorryIcan'thelp,butI'llspreadthewordthatyou'relookingforvol-unteers,okay?""Hey,thanks,"IcalledasifIbelievedhim."We'llberighthere."BythetimeIhadfinishedspeaking,hehaddisap-pearedintothecrowd.Missionaccomplished."Nicelydone,myfriend,"Pepemurmured."Hedoesnot,howyousay,wanttogetinvolved,no?""That'sright,"Isaid,myeyes"onthebuildingagain."Andtotellyouthetruth,I'mnottoowildabouttheideaeither.Whatdoyouthink,Massha?It'sawfullyquietinthere.""I'llsay,"myapprenticeagreed."I'mjusttryingtofigureoutifthat'sagoodorabadsign.AnothertenminutesandI'mheadingintheretocheckitoutmy-self."Inoddedmyconsent,eventhoughIdoubtedshesawit.Webothhadoureyesgluedtothebuilding,mem-orizingitseverydetail.Itwasafour-storystructure...oritwouldbeifitweren'tforthecurvedpeakthatjuttedoutfromtherooffullyhalf-againashighasthemainbuilding.ItMYTH-INGPERSONS155lookedasifthebuilderhadsuddenlyaddedtheadorn-mentinalast-minuteattempttohavehisworkstandastallortallerthanitsneighbors.Fromthenumberofwindowsinthemainstructure,Iguesseditwasanapartmentbuildingorahotelorsomething.Inshort,itlookedlikeithadalotoflittlerooms.Ifoundmyselfwonderingexactlyhowourstrikeforcewassupposedtolocatetheirtargetwithoutkickingineverydoorintheplace...apossibilityIwouldn'tputpastAahz.IwasabouttoexpressthisfeartoMasshawhenaloudcrashsoundedfromwithin."Whatwasthat?"Idemandedofnooneinpar-ticular.

"Soundedlikealoudcrash,"myapprenticesuppliedhelpfully.Iforcedmyselftoremember'thatnooneouthereknewanymoreaboutwhatwasgoingoninsidethanIdid.Afterthecrash,everythingwasquietoncemore.Itriedtotellmyselfthatthenoisemighthavenothingatalltodowiththestrikeforce,butIdidn'tbelieveitforaminute.Thecrowdwastalkingexcitedlytoeachotherandstrainingtoseethevariouswindows.Theyseemedquiteconfidentthatsomethingelsewouldhappensoon,muchmorethanI,butthenagain,maybeascitydwel-lerstheyweremoreaccustomedtosuchvigilsthanI.Suddenly,Tanandaappearedinthedoorway."Didtheycomeoutthisway?"shecalled."Noone'sbeeninoroutsinceyouwentin,"Ire-sponded.Shesworeandstartedtore-enterthebuilding."Whathappened?"Ishouteddesperately."Wenailedoneofthem,butVicgotaway.He'slooseinthebuildingsomewhere,andhe'sgotthegirlwithhim."156RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS157Withthat,shedisappearedbeforeIcouldmakeanyfurtherinquiries.Terrific."Exciting,eh?"Pepesaid."Itellyou,Icouldwatchsuchachaseforhours.""Well,Ican't,"Isnapped."I'vehaditwithsittingonthesidelines.Massha?I'mgoinginthere.Wanttocome?""Idunno.HotStuff.I'dliketo,butsomebodyshouldbeheretoplugthisescaperoute.""Fine.Youwaithere,andI'll...."IturnedtoenterthebuildingandbumpedheadlongintoVilhelm."Whatareyoudoinghere?"Idemanded,notreally

caring.TheDispatchershookhisheadslightlytoclearit.Beingsmaller,hehadgottentheworseofourcollision."I'mherewiththewitnesses,remember?Iwassup-posedtobringthem.","Youweresupposedtosendthem.Ohwell,wherearethey?""Righthere,"hesaid,gesturingtoasullengroupofvampiresstandingbehindhim."ThisisKirby,andPaul,andRichard,andAdele,andScott...someofthemostrespectedcitizensintown.Convincethemandyou'rehomefree."Lookingatthegroup,IsuddenlyrealizedhowAahzhadendedupondeathrow.Ifthejuryhadbeenany-thinglikethesespecimens,theywouldhavehungtheirownmothersforjaywalking.WhileIdidn'trelishthethoughtoftryingtoconvincethemofanything,IfoundmyselfbeingverygladIdidn'thavetodealwiththemonaregularbasis."Okay.Sowe'rehere,"theoneidentifiedasKirbygrowled."Justwhatisitwe'resupposedtobewit-

nessing?Ifthisisoneofyourcockamamiedeals,Vil-helm...."Iinterruptedsimplybytakingmysunglassesoffandopeningmyeyeswide,displayingtheirwhites.Thebadreputationofhumansinthisdimensionwassufficienttocapturetheirundividedattention."Perhapsyourecallacertainmurdertrialthattookplacenottoolongago?"Isaid,tryingtoworkthetoothblackoffwithmytongue."Well,theconvictedmurdererwhoescapedismypartner,andrightnowhe'sinsidethatbuilding.Heandafewofourfriendsareabouttoshowyouonesurprisinglylivelycorpse...specificallythefellowthatmypartnerissupposedtohavekilled.Itrustthatwillbesufficienttoconvinceyouofhisinnocence?"Whilethevampiresweretakenabackbymypresence

intheirmidst,theyrecoveredquickly.LikeIsaid,theywererealhardcasesanddidn'tstayimpressedverylong."Sohowmuchtimeisthisgoingtotake?"Kirbysaidimpatiently."I'mgivingupmysleepforthis,andIdon'tgetmuchofit."Thatwasagoodquestion,so,nothavingananswer,Istalled."Yousleepnights?Ithought....""I'madayowl,"thevampirewaved."It'seasiertogetmyworkdonewhenthephoneisn'tringingeveryfiveminutes...whichusuallymeanswaitinguntileveryoneelseisasleep.Butwe'regettingoffthesubject.Thebottomlineisthatmytimeisvaluable,andthesameholdstrueformycolleagues.Ifyouthinkwe'regoingtojuststandaroundhereuntil...."Therewasasuddenoutcryfromthecrowd,andwealllookedtofindthemtalkingexcitedlyandpointingupattheroof.

158RobertAsprinAfigurehademerged,fightingtopickhiswayacrossthesteeplyslopedsurfacewhiledraggingastrugglinggirlbyonearm.Vic!ThiswasthefirsttimeIhadgottenaclearlookatmyfoe,andIwasmoderatelysurprised.HewasyoungerthanIhadexpected,barelyolderthanmyself,andin-steadofamenacingcloak,hewassportingawhiteturtleneckandsunglasses.Itsuddenlyoccurredtomethatifsunglassesenabledmetopassforavampire,thattheywouldalsoletavampirepassundetectedamonghumans.ThevampiresuddenlystoppedashispathwasbarredbyTananda,whoappearedasifbymagicoverthe

edgeoftheroof.Heturnedtoretracehissteps,onlytofindthatthetrioofAahz,Guido,andChumleyhademergedbehindhim,cuttingoffhisretreat."Ibelieve,gentlemenandlady,thatupthereistheelusivebodythatstartedthiswholething,"Iheardmyselfsaying."Ifyoucanspareafewmoremoments,Ithinkmycolleagueswillhavehimincustodysothatyoumightinterrogatehimatyourleisure.""Don'tbetoosureofthat.HighRoller,"Masshacautioned."Look!"Hischosenroutesofescapecutoff.Vicwasnowscrabblinguptheroofpeakitself,Luannahanginginhisgrip.WhileIhadtoadmirehisstrength,Iwasa.alosstounderstandwhathewastryingtoaccomplishwiththemanuever.Itwasobviousthathehadbeenex-posed,sowhydidn'thejustgiveitup?Theanswerbecameapparentinthenextfewmo-ments.Reachingtheapexoftheroof,thevampireunderwentachillingmetamorphosis.Beforethestrikeforcecouldreachhim,hehunchedforwardandhugeMYTH-INGPERSONS159batwingsbegantogrowandspreadfromhisback.Hisplansgoneawry,hewasgettingreadytoescape.Inimmediateresponsetohisefforts,TanandaandGuidobothproducedprojectileweaponsandshoutedsomethingtohim.Thoughthedistancewastoogreattomakeoutthewordsclearly,itwasobvioustomethattheywerethreateningtoshoothimdownifhetriedtotaketotheair."Wemayhaveamurdercaseyet,"Kirbymurmured,squintingtowatchtherooftopdramaunfold."Murder?"Iexclaimed,turningonhim."Howcanyoucallitmurderifthey'reonlytryingtokeepfromescapingyourjustice?""Thatwasn'twhatImeant,"thevampiresaid,nevertakinghiseyesfromtheaction."Checkitout."Ilooked...andmyheartstoodstill.Aahzhadbeentryingtoeaseuptheroofpeakcloser

toVicandhishostage.Vicmusthaveseenhim,becausehewasnowholdingLuannaoutoverthedropashepointedanangryfingeratmypartner.Thethreatwasunmistakable."Youknow,eetispeoplelikezatwhogivezevam-piresabadname,eh?"Pepesaid,nudgingme.Iignoredhim,lostinmyownanxietyandfrustrationatthestalematedsituation.AnoticeablyharderjabfromMasshabrokemyreverie,however."Hey,HotStuff.DoyouseewhatIsee?"Itoremygazeawayfromtheconfrontationandshotaglanceherway.Shewasstandingmotionless,herbrowfurrowedwithconcentrationandhereyesclosed.Ittookmeafewmomentstorealizewhatshewasdoing,thenIfollowedsuit,scarcelydaringtohope.Thereitwas!Aforceline!Abig,strong,beautiful,gloriousforceline.160RobertAsprinIhadgottensousedtonothavinganymagicalenergyatmydisposalinthisdimensionthatIhadn'tevenbotheredtocheck!Iopenedmyselftotheenergy,relisheditforafleetmoment,thenrechanneledit."Excuseme,"Isaidwithasmile,handingmysun-glassestoKirby."It'sabouttimeItookahandinthisdirectly."Withthat,Ireachedoutwithmymind,pushedoffagainsttheground,andsoaredupward,settingacourseforthecorneredvampireontheroof.

ChapterNineteen:

"Allright,pilgrim.Thisisbetweenyouandme!"—A.HAMILTONIhadhopedtomakemyapproachunobserved,butasIflewupward,thecrowdbelowletoutaroarthatdrewtheattentionofthecombatantsontheroof.Terrific!WhenIwantedunobtrusive,Igotnotoriety.Reachingaheightlevelwiththatofthevampire,Ihoveredatadiscreetdistance."Putawaythenasties,"IcalledtoTanandaandGuido."He'snotgettingawaybyair."Theylookedabitrebellious,butfollowedtheorder."What'swiththePeterPanbit,partner?"Aahzshouted."AreyoufeelingyourCheerioats,ordidyoufinallyfindaforceline?""Both."Iwavedback,thenturnedmyattentiontoVic.Thoughhiseyeswereobscuredbyhissunglasses,Icouldfeelhishatefulglareburningintometothebone."Whydon'tyoujustcallitquits?"IsaidinwhatI161

162RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS163hopedwasacalm,soothingtone."It'sover.We'vegotyououtflanked."Foramomentheseemedtowaiverwithindecision.Then,withoutwarning,hethrewLuannaatAahz."Whycan'tyoualljustleavemealone!"hescreamed,anddoveofftheroof.Aahzsomehowmanagedtosnagthegirl'shurtlingform,thoughintheprocesshelosthisbalanceand

tumbledbackwarddowntheroofpeak,cushioningtheimpactwithhisownbody.Ihesitated,tornbetweentheimpulsetocheckonLuanna'swelfareandthedesiretopursueVic."Gogethim!"mypartnercalled."We'refine!"ThatwasalltheencouragementIneeded.Wheelingtomyright,Iplungedafterthefleeingvampire,Whatfollowedwasoneofthemoreinterestingex-periencesofmylimitedmagicalcareer.AsImentionedbefore,myformofflyingmagicallyisn'treallyflying...it'scontrolledlevitationofoneself.Thismadeen-thusiasticpursuitarealchallengetomyabilities.Tocounterbalancetheproblem,however,Viccouldn'treallyflyeither'...atleastheneverseemedtoflaphiswings.Instead,heappearedcontenttosoarandbankandcatchanoccasionalupdraft.Thisforcedhimtocontinuallycircleanddoublebackthroughroughlythesameareatimeandtimeagain.Thissuitedmefine,asIdidn'twanttowandertoofarawayfrommyenergizingforcelinenowthatIhadfoundit.Theideaofrunningoutofpowerwhilesuspendedfiftyfeetintheairdidnotappealtomeatall.Anyway,ouraerialduelrapidlybecameacuriousmatchingofstyleswithVic'sswoopingandcirclinginhiseffortstoescapeandmyverticalandhorizontalmaneuveringstotrytointercepthim.Needlesstosay,theconflictwasnotresolvedquickly.AssoonasIwouldtimeamovethatcamecloseenoughtoanin-terceptiontojustifyattemptingitagain.Vicwouldrealizehisdangerandalterhispattern,leavingmetotrytopuzzleouthisnewcourse.Thecrowdlovedit.Theywhoopedandhollered,theirwordsofen-couragementalternatelyloudandfaintaswechangedaltitude.Itwasimpossibletotellwhichofustheywerecheeringfor,thoughforawhileIthoughtitwasme,consideringtheapprovaltheyhadexpressedwhenIfirsttookofftojointhebattle.ThenInoticedthatthecrowdwasconsiderablylargerthanithadbeenwhenIentered

thefray,andIrealizedthatmanyofthemhadnotbeenaroundtowitnessthebeginningoftheconflict.Tothem,itprobablyappearedthatamonsterfromanotherdimensionwaschasingoneoftheirfellowbeingsthroughthesky.ThatthoughtwasdisquietingenoughthatIsparedsomeofmyattentiontoscanthesurroundingrooftopsontheoff-chancethatalocalsnipermightbepreparingtohelphisfellowcountryman.ItturnedouttobethewisestdecisionIhadmade.AsIwaslookingovermyshoulder,IplowedfullforceintoVic,whohaddoubledbackonhisownpath.ThefeintwouldhaveprobablyworkedifIhadseenit,butasitwaswecollidedatmaximumspeed,theimpactmomentarilystunningusboth.Imanagedtograbadoublehandfulofthevampire'sturtleneckaswefellabouttenfeetbeforeIadjustedmylevitationstrengthtosupportusboth."What'sthematterwithyou!"Idemanded,tryingtoshakehim,whichsucceededonlyinmovingusbothbackandforthintheair."Runningawaywon'thelp."ThenIrealizedhewascrying.Somehow,thisstruckmeasimmenselyunfair.I

164RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS165mean,howareyousupposedtostaymadatavillainthatcries?Okay.SoI'masofttough.Butthecryingreallydidmakeadifference."Ican'tfightyouall!"hesobbed,tearsstreamingdownhischeeks."MaybeifIknewsomemagicIcouldtakeoneofyouwithme...butatleastyou'regoingtohavetoworkforyourkill!"Withthathetoreloosefrommygraspandswoopedaway.

HiswordsstunnedmesomuchIalmostlethimes-cape.Fortunately,Ihadthepresenceofmindtocallouttohim."Hey,dummy!Nobody'stryingtokillyou!""Yeah,sure,"heshoutedback."You'reupherejustforthefunofit."Hewasstartingtobanktowardthestreet,andIknewI'donlyhavetimeforonemoretry."Look!WillyoustoprunningifIquitchasingyou?Ithinkthere'samajormisunderstandinghere."HeglancedbackoverhisshoulderandsawthatIwasstillwhereIwaswhenwecollided.Alteringhiscourseslightly,heflaredhiswingsandlandedonacarvedgar-goyleornamentjuttingoutfromthesideofthebuild-ing."Whyshouldyouwanttotalk?"hecalled,wipinghisfacewithonehand."IthoughtnothingIcouldsaywouldchangeyourmind.""You'dbesurprised,"Ishoutedback."Say,doyoumindifIlandonthatledgenearyou?Ifeelprettysillyjusthanginghere."Heglancedattheindicatedledge,andIcouldseehiswingsflexnervously."C'mon,"Iurged."I'llbefurtherawayfromyoutherethanIwaswhenwestartedthischasebackontheroof.You'llstillhaveacleanshotatgettingawayifItryanything."Hehesitated,thennoddedhisconsent.Movingslowlysoasnottoalarmhim,Imaneuveredmywaytomynewperch.Truthtotell,Iwasgladtogetsomethingsolidundermyfeetagain.Evenusingmagic,flyingcantakealotoutofyou,andIwasrelievedtogetachancetorest.NowthatIwascloser,IcouldseethatVicwasbreathingheavilyhimself.Apparentlyhisformofflyingwasnopicniceither."Allright,"Isaidinamuchmoreconversationaltone."Let'stakethisthingfromthetop.Whosayswe'retryingtokillyou?""Mattdoes,"thevampireresponded."He'stheone

whofilledmeinonyouandyourpetdemon.Tobehonestwithyou,IhadneverevenheardofyouuntilMattexplainedwhosehomewehadstumbledinto.""Matt?"Ifrowned.ThenIremembered.Ofcourse.Thethirdmemberofthefugitiveparty.Luanna'soldconartistpartnerwhonobodyhadbeenpayingattentiontoatall.Agermofanideabegantoforminmyhead."Andhesayswe'reouttokillyou?""That'sright.AccordingtohimnobodycrossestheGreatSkeeveormakesafoolofhimandlives...andusingyourhouseasanescaperoutedefinitelyquali-fies."Thereputationthingagain.Iwasbeginningtorealizewhysomanymagicianspreferredtoleadthelivesofrecluses."That'scrazy,Vic."Isaid."IfItriedtokillevery-bodywho'smadeafoolofme,I'dbearmpit-deepincorpses.""Ohyeah?"heshotback."Well.ifyouaren'toutto

166RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS167killme,whydidyousendyourpetdemonafterus?"Despitemyresolvetosettlethisthingamicably,Iwasstartingtogetannoyed."Firstofall,he'snotmypetdemon.He'smypartnerandhisnameisAahz.Secondly,Ididn'tsendhim.Heknockedmeoutcoldandcamehimself.Thirdandfinal,hewasneverouttokillyou.HewastryingtobringyouandyourcohortsbacktoDevasowewouldn'tgetstuckpayingoffthepeopleyouswindledplusaheftyfine.Areyougettingallthis,oramIgoingtoofastforyou?""ButIdidn'tswindleanybody,"thevampirepro-tested."Thosetwoofferedmeajobhelpingthemsellmagiccharms.Ididn'tknowtheyweren'tgenuineuntilMattsaidthecustomersweremadandwehadtorun.I

suggestedwehideoutherebecauseit'stheonlyplaceIknowbesidestheBazaar.""Uh-huh,"Isaid,studyingthesky."Nextyou'llbesayingyoudidn'tframemypartnerorsoundthealarmonuswhenwetriedtospringhim.",Vic'swingsdroppedashehunghishead."ThatmuchIcan'tdeny...butIwasscared!Iframedthedemonbecauseitwasthe.onlywayIcouldthinkoftogethimoffourtrailforawhile.Ireallythoughthecouldgetlooseonhisown,andwhenIsawyouattheWoofWriters',Iknewhewasgoingtogetaway.Isoundedthealarmhopingyouwouldallgetcaughtandbedetainedlongenoughtogiveusaheadstart.Lookingbackonit,theywereprettyrattythingstodo,butwhatwouldyoudoifyouhadapackofkillerdemonsonyourtrail?"NowthatIcouldidentifywith.Chumley'swordsaboutVicandIbeingalikeechoedinmyears.Ihadhadtoimproviseinsomeprettyhairysituationsmyself."Waitaminute!"Igrowled."Speakingofkillerde-mons,whatwasthatbitwithyoudanglingLuannaovertheedgeofthebuildingbackthere?""Iwasbluffing,"thevampireshrugged."YourfriendswerethreateningtoshootmeifItriedtoflyaway,anditwastheonlythingIcouldthinkoftotrytogetthemtobackoff.Iwouldn'tdeliberatelyhurtany-one...especiallyLuanna.She'ssweet.That'swhyIwastryingtohelpherescapewithmeaftertheycaughtMatt."Thatbroughtmetothequestionthathadbeennag-gingatmymindsinceIstartedthiswildchase."Ifyoudon'tmindmeasking,whydidn'tyoujustchangeintomistanddriftaway?Wecouldneverhavecaughtyouthen."Vicgaveashort,bitterlaugh."Doyouknowhowroughitistoturnintomist?Well,you'reamagician.Maybeyoudoknow.Anyway,youmightaswellknowthetruth.I'mnotmuchinthemagicdepartment...infact,I'mprettymuchabustas

avampire.Ican'tevenchangeallthewayintoabat!ThesewingsarethebestI'vebeenabletodo.That'swhyIwaslookingforanewlifeintheBazaar.I'dratherbeafirst-classanythingthanathird-ratevam-pire.Imean,Idon'tevenlikeblood!""Youshouldmeetmybodyguard."Igrinneddespitemyself."He'sagangsterwho'sallergictogarlic.""Garlic?Ilovegarlic."IopenedmymouthtoofferhimGuido'sjob,thenshutitrapidly.Ifthischaracterwashalfasdesperateashesounded,he'dprobablytaketheofferseriouslyandaccept,andthenwherewouldIbe?Allweneededtocompleteourmenageriewasamagic-poorvampire."Well,"Isaidinstead,"Iguessthatanswersallmyquestionsexceptone.Nowthatyouknowwearen'ttry-ingtokillyou,areyoureadytoquitrunningandfacethemusic?"

168RobertAsprinThevampiregnawedhislowerlipashethought."You'resureitwillbeallright?""Ican'tsayforsureuntilItalktomypartner,"Iad-mitted,"butI'mprettysurethingswillbeamenable.Themainproblemistogetthemurderchargesagainsthimdropped...whichIthinkwe'vealreadyaccom-plished.Asforyou,Ithinktheonlythingtheycouldhaveagainstyouisfalsearrest,andthere'snowayAahzwillpresschargesonthatone.""Whynot?"Igavehimmybestgrin."Becauseifhedid,wecouldn'ttakeyoubacktoDevatodealwiththeswindlingcharge.Believeme,ifgivenachancebetweenrevengeandsavingmoney,youcantrustAahztobeforgivingeverytime."Victhoughtaboutitforafewmoremoments,thenshrugged.

"EmbarrassmentI'musedtodealingwith,andIthinkIcanbeattheswindlingrap.C'mon,Skeeve.Let'sgetthisthingoverwith."Havingfinallyreachedatruce,howevertemporary,wedescendedtogethertofacethewaitingcrowd.

ChapterTwenty:

"There'snoaccountingfortaste!"—COLONELSANDERS"BUTSkeeve...."BANG!"...Itoldyoubefore...."BANG!BANG!"...IcouldneverabandonMatt...."BANG!"...he'smypartner!"BANG.'BANG!"ButLu...."BANG!"...excuseme.HEY,PARTNER!COULDYOUKNOCKOFFTHEHAMMERINGFORAMINUTE?I'MTRYINGTOHAVEACONVERSATIONHERE!""Notachance,"Aahzgrowledaroundhismouthfulofnails."I'mshuttingthisdoorpermanentlybeforeanythingelsehappens.Buttellyouwhat,I'lltrytoham-merquietly."169170RobertAsprinMYTH-INGPERSONS171IfyoudeducefromallthisthatwewerebackatourplaceonDeva,you'reright.Aftersomelong,tersecon-versationswiththecitizensofBlutandfondfarewellstoVilhelmandPepe,ourwholecrew,includingourthreecaptives,hadtroopedbacktothecastleandthroughthedoorwithoutincident.IhadhopedtohaveafewmomentsalonewithLu-anna,but,afterseveralattempts,thebestIhadbeenabletomanagewasthisconversationinthereceptionroomunderthewatchfuleyesofAahzandMatt.Matt,incidentally,turnedouttobeathoroughly

unpleasantindividualwithatwistedneedle-nose,acne,arecedinghairline,andthebeginningsofabeer-belly.Forthelifeofme,Icouldn'tfigureoutwhatLuannasawinhim."Butthatwaswhenyouthoughthewasinajam,"Isaid,resumingtheargument."AahzandIhavealreadypromisedtohelpdefendhimandVicwhentheygobeforetheMerchantsAssociation.There'snoneedtostandbyhimyourself.''"Idon'tunderstandyou,Skeeve,"Luannadeclared,shakingherhead."IfIwouldn'tleaveMattwhenhewasintrouble,whyshouldIleavehimwhenthingslooklikethey'regoingtoturnoutokay?Iknowyoudon'tlikehim,buthe'sdoneallrightbymesofar...andIstillowehimforgettingmeawayfromthefarm.""Butwe'remakingyouagoodoffer,"Itriedagaindesperately."YoucanstayhereandworkforAahzandme,andifyou'reinterestedwecouldeventeachyousomerealmagicsoyoudon'thaveto...."Shestoppedmebysimplylayingahandonmyarm."Iknowit'sagoodoffer,Skeeve,andit'sniceofyoutomakeit.ButforthetimebeingI'mcontenttostaywithMatt.Maybesometimeinthefuture,whenIhavealittlemoretoofferyouinreturn,I'lltakeyouuponit...ifthedeal'sstillopen.""Well,"Isighed,"ifthat'sreallywhatyouwant....""Hey!Don'ttakeitsohard,buddy,"Mattlaughed,clappinghishandonmyshoulder."Youwinsome,youlosesome.Thistimeyoulost.Nohardfeelings.Maybeyou'llhavebetterluckwiththenextone.We'rebothmenoftheworld,andweknowonebroad'sjustlikeanyother.""Matt,buddy"Isaidthroughclenchedteeth,"getthathandoffmyshoulderbeforeitlosesabody."AsIsaid,evenonourshorttripbackfromLimboIhadbeensounderwhelmedbyMattthatInolongerevenbotheredtryingtobepoliteormaskmydislikeforhim.HecouldgrateonmynervesfasterthananyoneI

hadevermet.Ifhewasasuccessfulconartist,abletoinspiretrustfromtotalstrangers,thenIwastheQueenofMay."Matt'sjustkidding,"Luannasoothed,steppingbetweenus."WellI'mnot,"Isnarled."Justrememberyou'rewelcomehereanytimeyougetfedupwiththisslug.""Oh,Iimaginewe'llbetogetherforquitesometime,"Mattleered,pattingLuannalightlyonherrump."Withyoubigshotsvouchingforusweshouldbeabletobeatthisswindlingrap...andevenifwelose,sowhat?AllitmeansisI'llhavetogivethembacktheircrummytwentygoldpieces."Aahz'shammeringstoppedabruptly...ormaybeitwasmyheart.ItriedvainlytoconvincemyselfthatIhadn'theardhimright."Twentygoldpieces?"Isaidslowly."Yeah.TheycaughtontousalotquickerhereattheBazaarthanIthoughttheywould.Itwasn'tmuchofa

172RobertAsprinhaulevenbymystandards.Ican'tgetoverthefactthatyoubigshotswentthroughsomuchtroubletodragusbackhereoverameaslytwentygoldpieces.TheremustbemoretothisprinciplethingthanIrealized.""Ummm...couldIhaveawordwithyou,part-ner?"Aahzsaid,puttingdownhishammer."Iwasabouttoaskthesamething,"Iadmitted,steppingtothefarsideoftheroom.Oncewewerealone,westaredateachother,neitherwantingtobethefirsttospeak."YouneverdidgetaroundtoaskingHay-nerhowmuchwasatstake,didyou?"Aahzsighedabsently."That'sthemoneysideofnegotiationsandIthoughtyoucoveredit,"Imurmured."Funny,webothstood

righttherethewholetimeandheardeverywordthatwassaid,andneitherofuscaughtthatomission.""Funny.Right.I'mdying."Mypartnergrimaced."Notasmuchasyouwillifwordofthisgetsout,"Iwarned."Ivotethatwegivethemthemoneytopayitoff.Idon'twantto,butit'stheonlywayIcanthinkoftokeepthisthingfrombecomingpublicknowledge.""Done."Aahznodded."Butletmehandleit.IfMatttheRattheregetswindofthefactthatthewholethingwasamistakeonourpart,he'dprobablyblack-mailusforoureyeteeth.""Right,"Iagreed.Withthat,we,thetwomostsought-after,mosthighly-paidmagiciansattheBazaar,turnedtodealwithourcharges,remindedoncemorewhyhumilityliesatthecoreofgreatness.