My Name is HorseByNick AssuntoTEASEREXT. A FOREST MEADOW - DAYA beautiful meadow cut off from the rest of the world. Athick layer of trees surround and protect it. In the centeris a majestic tree stump.From the north, a CENTAUR proudly steps into the clearing.From the west, a UNICORN. They share a nod.From the south, a HIPPOGRIFF. They all share more nods.From the east, PEGASUS. More nods are shared.They each approach the stump.PEGASUSGood morrow my fellow horse-hybridbrothers.CENTAURGood day.HIPPOGRIFFHello.UNICORNSup.PEGASUSIt has been many fortnights sinceour last meeting and you probablymay be wondering why I have calledfor it.CENTAURIndeed.HIPPOGRIFFYes.UNICORNMeh.PEGASUSOne of us, is not who they say theyare.CENTAURHmph.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 2.HIPPOGRIFFOutrageous.UNICORNWhaaaaaaat?PEGASUSThe whole point of this society wasso that horse-hybrids would havebrothers in arms to call upon intime of need. And Unicorn. You areno Unicorn.UNICORNGet out of here. Of course Im aunicorn. My name is unicorn.Pegasus removes Unicorns horn with his mouth.CENTAURMy word.HIPPOGRIFFHis horn. The source of his power.Pegasus bites into the horn. It crunches.PEGASUSTis a carrot.UNICORNOkay be careful because I used leadbased paints on that. Alright sowhat. Yeah, Im just a horse, andmy name is horse. But look, youguys are so cool. How could youexpect me to not want to hang out?I mean, Pegasus, you fly. Thats socool. Hippogriff, you also fly butyou look like an eagle. Also verycool. Centaur, my man. My main man.My main half man. You can make outwith human women. Youre my idol.CENTAUROh dear. Now I feel put on thespot. Look, Unicorn-UNICORNHorse.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 3.CENTAURHorse. I have a secret as well.Centaur uses his human arms to take off his top human halfto reveal hes just a horse.PEGASUSAnother one.CENTAURI too, am just a horse, and my nameis also horse.UNICORNI am blown away right now.PEGASUSTwo betrayers among us. This is notwhat the horse-hybrid society wasmeant for.HIPPOGRIFFActually.PEGASUSNo.HIPPOGRIFFI have to.PEGASUSDont.HIPPOGRIFFIts only right.Hippogriffs eagle half flies out and then just lands deadin a field. He is a horse.HIPPOGRIFF(CONT)Im also just a horse.UNICORNWhats your name?HIPPOGRIFFHorse.PEGASUSWell this is a bunch of horseshit.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 4.UNICORNCome on man.PEGASUSWhat?CENTAURYeah come on Pegasus.PEGASUSI dont... why are you all lookingat me like that.HIPPOGRIFFNone of us have ever seen you fly.PEGASUSOf course I fly.UNICORNCome on.CENTAURYeah come on.HIPPOGRIFFDo it.PEGASUSFine. Fine you want to see who Ireally am, Ill show you.Pegasus spreads his mighty wings and flaps them. He takesoff into flight and then explodes in the air. Standing wherehe was, is a DUCK.DUCKI am a duck, and my name is horse.The duck named Horse pulls out a sawed off shotgun.DUCK(CONTD)And theres a bounty on all yourheads.BLAM! NEIGH! BLAM! NEIGH! BLAM! NEIGH!All three horses named horse are dead. Duck puts his shotgunaway. Lights a cigarillo.DUCK(CONTD)Betcha didnt see that coming.SMASH TO:5.SPAGHETTI WESTERN STYLE OPENINGFADE IN:ACT ONEEXT. OLD SHMIGGLESVILLE - DAYAn odd amalgamation of a town. Part old west Tombstone, partmedieval England, part steampunk New York City.There are skyscrapers running on high technology up above,with flying cars and the like. A clearly high tier societyabove the clouds.On the streets people are still throwing buckets of piss outof their windows.A TIGER in a JETPACK crashes into the streets. A bunch ofFERRETS immediately rob him of everything and scurry off.TIGERAww man.Takes out a backup jetpack and flies away.Horse (the duck) comes into town on a wagon, pulled by amorbidly obese RHINO with a PINK RIBBON on her head, andpulling three HORSE CARCASSES behind him.He stops in front of the SHERIFFS.DUCKWhoa girl. Easy now.SHERIFF BADGER steps outside.BADGERYou got them horses, bounty hunter?DUCKYeah. I got them horses.BADGERHow long you was undercover for?Three, four months?DUCKSounds about right.BADGERWell yee hoo. Got bad news though.Bounty rate dropped while you was(MORE)(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 6.BADGER (contd)gone from ten thousand ducats toten ducats.DUCKLike hell it did.BADGERSure did. Mayor himself donedropped the prices once he heardyou was almost finished, but thataint none of my business. Mybusiness is these bodies. So handthem on over now.DUCKHold your horses. Not until I talkto the mayor.BADGERYou serious? They gonna get allrotten and spoiled. The low town ofOld Shmigglesville depends on theirglue to survive. Were poor downhere. Up there, thats where theygot it good.DUCKRelax. Low town will get itshorses.BADGERWhens?DUCKWhen I get paid.Duck gets back on his cart.DUCK(CONTD)Now which way to the mayor?BADGERCant get there on no roads.Badger nods to the tallest tower in town, way up in the sky.BADGER(CONTD)Hes way the fuck up theres.Duck pulls out his shotgun.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 7.DUCKLooks like Im going climbing?BADGERWith a shotgun?He points the barrel in the dirt, sits on the barrel, pointshis bill at the tower. BOOM! He soars through the air.BADGER(CONTD)Okays yeah guess Ill just takethese horses then. We eatin gluetonight yall! Yee hoo!EXT. OLD SHMIGGLESVILLE - SKY - DAYHorse flies through the air, passing animals in flying carsand on jetpacks.He lands on the Tiger wearing a jetpack, smoothly snags thepack and throws it on his own back. The Tiger falls.TIGERAwww man!Horse jetpacks through the air with determination.BEEP BEEP BEEP. Fuel gauge is low.He kicks off the jetpack in midair, turns around, shoots itwith the shotgun and uses the EXPLOSION to propel himfurther.INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - DAYA GORILLA in a suit is staring out the window in awe,drinking coffee.GORILLAHey Steve, you seeing this?Another GORILLA (STEVE) is stressed out over a computer.STEVEDave we have to have these formsfinished within the hour orJenkelmans going to have both ourasses.GORILLAJenkleman is a puss. I dont knowwhy youre so scared of him.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 8.STEVEHes my brother in law, Dave!A cat in a power suit, JENKLEMAN, approaches Dave theGorilla at the window.JENKLEMANAhem.GORILLAUh, sorry boss. I--CRASH! Horse comes through the window hard, but lands a tuckand roll with his shotgun pointed at Jenklemans head.DUCKWhich way to the elevator?DING. Horse looks the direction of the noise. Elevator.DUCK(CONTD)Never mind.JENKLEMANSomeone alert the mayor. Looks likeweve got an intruder.He turns the other way confidently and walks into acardboard box. Sips his coffee. Sees another coffee mug nearhim.JENKLEMAN(CONTD)Slut.Knocks it over. Sips his coffee again.ACT TWOINT. SHERIFFS OFFICE - DAYAn old school, old west looking interior. Might be made ofcardboard and stage flats.Badger drags a horse carcass inside. He throws it on thepile of the other two horse carcasses.BADGERLet the glue makin, begin!He pulls a mask over his head and lights a blowtorch. Ashes about to cut into the dead horses face, OLD LADYRABBIT comes hopping in.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 9.OLD LADY RABBITSheriff Badger come quick. Itsyour mama. Her illness isworsenin.BADGERMama.Badger drops his torch and follows Old Lady Rabbit.INT. OLD LADY RABBITS - DAYMAMA BADGER lies in a pile of blankets, coughing. Old LadyRabbit enters.MAMA BADGERWho there?OLD LADY RABBITMama Badger, I gotta surprise foryou.MAMA BADGERWell what is it? My eyes dont seeso good.Badger enters. Takes her hand.BADGERIts me, Mama.MAMA BADGERThat my boy? That my boy SheriffBadger?BADGERIts me, Mama. Its me.She coughs.MAMA BADGERMy illness. Its worsenin. Itsthis damn glue we been eatin. Weaint been eatin so good in thishere low town of OldShmigglesville. Us low town folkget the sharp end of the stick,whereas everyone in up town islivin large. Specially that mayor.BADGERI know mama. Let me get you someglue. We just got three horses notyet rotten.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 10.MAMA BADGERI dont want no glue boy! I justwant my son to be happy. To seek abetter life.She coughs.BADGERMama?MAMA BADGERGo now. Today, youre a man.Mama Badger lays back. She force ghosts away ala Yoda.Badger breaks down crying.OLD LADY RABBITThe fuck she did go?INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - DAYDuck named Horse is in the elevator watching the floornumbers. Its on thirty-nine.After a while it hits forty. The numbers go up to threehundred and eleven.He lights a cigarillo.DUCKProbably shouldnt have left thosehorses back there. Not a smartmove, Horse. Not a smart move.DING. The doors open on floor forty. Its a SEXY SWAN.SWANAre you going down?DUCKOn you. Later.She slaps him.DUCK(CONTD)Or now if youd like.She slaps him again.DUCK(CONTD)Are woman in this town not into themachismo thing, because Icompletely apologize if thats thecase.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 11.She huffs and leaves. The doors close.DUCK(CONTD)Wow. I really feel like an assholeright now.DING. The doors open on floor forty-one to an ATTRACTIVEALBATROSS.ALBATROSSGoing up?DUCKMam, I will go anywhere you please.ALBATROSSDesperate piece of shit.She leaves. The doors close.DUCKToday is not your day, Horse. It isnot your day.DING. The doors open on floor forty-two to a FLAMINGFLAMINGO.FLAMINGOOh honey I hope youre going myway.DUCKUh, yeah.He gets in the elevator. Doors close.DUCK(CONTD)Hey can I ask you something?FLAMINGOSure sweetie.DUCKIf you were a pretty lady and Itold you to sit on my face wouldyou be offended or sit on my face?FLAMINGOWhat do you think, just because Imgay I know all the secrets towomen?(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 12.DUCKSo you dont?FLAMINGOUgh. Youre so ignorant. Does itfeel good to be this ignorant? Areyou happy with yourself, youmisogynistic dickhead?DUCKNo.DING. The doors open on floor forty-three to a BEAUTIFULBAT.FLAMINGOGirl dont get on this one. Hes amale rights activist.BATEw.DUCKIm not. Just a little out oftouch. Its fine. Ill take thestairs.Horse leaves the elevator.INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - FLOOR 43 - CONTINUOUSHorse makes his way towards the staircase.DUCKI guess I deserved all of that?He pushes open the door.INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - STAIRWELL - CONTINUOUSTheres laser grids, booby traps and NINJAS(CHIPMUNKS) allabout. Duck takes out his shotgun.DUCKNo time to reflect.NINJAYou are the Duck who is namedHorse. We could not find you forbattle so we set up here in hopesyou would come.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 13.DUCKI was in the elevator.NINJAAh. Yes we thought it would be toodifficult to set up there. Luckyyou came this way. Now you die!NINJA flies at him with a midair kick. BOOM! Horse blastshim into a laser that cuts him in half.DUCK(CONTD)Wheres my money!?EXT. OLD SHMIGGLESVILLE - DAYBadger walks down the street. As he walks he watches thepoor people of his town suffering. His eyes open to thepain. To the starvation. To the homeless.An orphan tugs on his pant leg.ORPHANSheriff Badger, why do we have tolive this way?Badger looks to the sky.BADGERMaybe we dont have to no more,Timmy. Maybe we dont have to nomore.ORPHANMy names Rigby.BADGERThats a stupid fucking name,Rigby.Badger trips the Orphan. Stands on him.ORPHANOw.BADGERPeople of Low Town OldShmigglesville, I am sick and tiredof the wealth distribution in thishere town. Look at us down here, onthe ground, suffering. Look at themup there, living the fat life.Living off of our hard work. Our(MORE)(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 14.BADGER (contd)misery is the platform on whichthey stand.CITIZEN(O.S.)You realize youre standing on anorphan while you give this speech,right?BADGERAnd while I feel it is myresponsibility to lead yall inthis battle againsnt the rich, Iwill not elect myself.CITIZEN(O.S.)Okay yeah, no one said that.BADGERBut its a duty I will gladlyaccept.CITIZEN(O.S.)Alright hes just ignoring me.Yeah, fine, whats your big planMr. Sheriff?BADGERWere going to rally together andstorm the tallest tower in town. Weare going to demand the mayor paysus fair wages. We will not eathorse glue anymore! We will notsuffer anymore!The townspeople cheer in unison. Including the Orphan.ORPHANYay.CITIZEN(O.S.)This all feels super loaded andmanipulative but I hate being anindividual so yeah! Count me in!BADGERTo the tower!The townspeople grab weapons and cheer. They crowd withBadger. He takes out his pistol.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 15.BADGER(CONTD)Yee hoo! Charge!He fires it in the air. Everyone runs towards the tower.After they all pass, the jetpacking TIGER hits the grounddead with a bullet in its stomach.INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - STAIRWELL - DAYHorse is running up the stairs killing NINJAS and dodgingbooby traps in a MONTAGE:- FLOOR 86 - Horse does a flip over a NINJA and breaks itsneck.- FLOOR 153 - Horse does a flip over a CROCODILE and breaksits neck.- FLOOR 217 - Horse does a flip over a SNAKE and breaks itsneck. He leaves, then comes back. He looks at the snake andwonders how he broke its neck. Shrugs and leaves again.- FLOOR 310 - Horse reaches the final stairwell.END MONTAGE.The final stairwell is trap-less.At the very top is a SLOTH.Its arm is pointed towards a button on the wall. Its veryclose to the button but also moving very slowly.SLOTHWill you reach me in time, duck whois named Horse?Horse starts to sweat.SLOTH(CONTD)I think you will not.Horses eyes dart between the button and the Sloths fingera dozen times.Its barely moved any closer even though its essentiallytouching the button.DUCKOnly one way to find out.Horse jumps. SLOW MOTION. He pulls out his shotgun in midairand lands with the barrel resting directly on the Slothsface.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 16.DUCK(CONTD)Dont move an inch.SLOTHI cant stop. I made this choicethree hours ago and just have toride it out now.CLICK. The button is pressed. It turns off the light.SLOTH(CONTD)Ah. Wrong button.BLAM! Horse fires his shotgun. Turns the lights back on.Sloth is gone.SLOTH(CONTD)(O.S.)We shall meet again, duck who isnamed Horse.DUCKYou might want to reconsider that.I might not be so... you stillhere? Can you hear my retort? OkayI guess not.SLOTH(CONTD)(O.S.)Yes.DUCKOh then well listen here. Yourenot gonna want to meet me againbecause I will destroy you. Youhear me? You gone or what? Okay Iguess youre gone.Horse approaches the door that reads "FLOOR 311". It alsosays, "LAST CHANCE TO GO DOWN, DOWN."Horse kicks open the door. LIGHT BLINDS him. He enters.SLOTH(CONTD)(O.S.)Yeah no. Im still here. Justsometimes takes a while for me togather my thoughts. Hello? Are yougone now? Yeah youre gone.17.ACT THREEINT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - FLOOR 311 - CONTINUOUSThe blinding light stops and Horse can see. Hes in aluxurious loft.All the finer things in life are up here. A buffet, one ofthose champagne glass pyramids, ANDY RICHTER in a glasscase.ANDYHey hows it going?And a giant mahogany desk. Sitting behind it is MAYOR COW.MAYOR COWAh, Horse. You made it! Past all myninjas. And expensive traps. Notgonna lie, kind of bummed out aboutthat.DUCKI told you when you hired me, Imgood.MAYOR COWThat you are. Would you like somechampagne?DUCKIm good.MAYOR COWWhiskey?DUCKIm good.MAYOR COW(motioning to utter)Milk?DUCKIm good.MAYOR COWYou sure? I heard youve beenhaving some lady troubles with someof my girls in the building. Maybewe can work something out.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 18.DUCKIm good.MAYOR COWLike you told me when I hired you.DUCKIm just here for my money. Thiscould have been easy. Instead youspent probably millions of ducatson hired guns and traps. You couldhave just paid me and I would havebeen on my way. You have a chanceto now. Before anything elsehappens.MAYOR COWYeah that sounds fair. Let me justgrab you those ducats. What was it?Ten thousand?DUCKThat was the price.MAYOR COWVery well. How would you like that?DUCKIn a bag.MAYOR COWThats going to be an extra charge.Duck stares Mayor Cow down.MAYOR COW(CONTD)Or I can throw one in. Thats okay.I can throw one in. You shouldreally get your own bag though itsjust better for the environment.INTERCOM(O.S.)Mrs. Mayor, the townspeople,theyre charging the tower.MAYOR COWExcuse me one second, would youHorse?She picks up the phone.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 19.MAYOR COW(CONTD)(on the phone)What do you mean theyre chargingthe tower? Well dont let them in!What do you mean theyre alreadyin!? Well dont let them takecontrol of the tower. What do youmean Im talking to Sheriff Badgerand youve already taken control ofthe tower!? Well dont come up hereto take the town for yourself. Whatdo you mean youre coming up hereto take the town for yourself!?Sheriff Badger kicks down the door and walks in, his gunpointing.BADGERDidnt hear your last questionbecause I left to run up thestairs. What was it?MAYOR COWI said, "What do you mean yourecoming up here to take the town foryourself?"BADGERIm sick of livin like a fool,eatin glue. My turn for buffetsand Andy Richters.ANDY(O.S.)Hey yeah! Haha. Conan.Mayor Cow hangs up the phone and quickly draws a gun onBadger.MAYOR COWLooks like weve got a standoffSheriff, you ungrateful bastard. Igave you that job.BADGERI applied to be an optometrist!MAYOR COWWell I could see you had morepotential!BADGERThat a pun!?(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 20.MAYOR COWUnintentional but yes!BADGERNeat!DUCKLook. Just give me my money andIll be on my way.Mayor Cow and Badger both point their guns at Horse.MAYOR COWNot so fast.BADGERNot so fast.BADGER(CONTD)You started this. Now ya gonnafinish it.DUCKI didnt start anything. She didwhen she changed the bounty on me.MAYOR COWI didnt change the bounty.DUCKSheriff Badger told me you changedthe bounty from ten thousand ducatsto ten ducats.MAYOR COWDid he now? Thats funny becauseBadger told me you were coming tokill me.BADGERThats right. I started this wholekerfuffle just to overthrow yourfat ass, Mayor Cow. And nows mychance.Mama Badgers GHOST appears.MAMA BADGERDo it now boy. Do it. Complete yotrainin.The three form into a Mexican standoff ala The Good, the Badand the Ugly. A WHISTLING TUNE plays. Its Mama BadgersGhost on a flute. The music reaches its peak. They allfire. BANG! BANG! BANG!(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 21.Mayor Cow splits in two, milk and blood spraying about.Horse and Badger eye each other. They both put their gunsaway.BADGERGood work.DUCKDidnt do it for you. Ill have mymoney now and be gone. Next timedont lie to me.BADGERFine. Fine with me. Here ya go.Sorry bout all that.Badger tosses Duck a big bag of coins.BADGER(CONTD)This town belongs to me now.DUCKShould belong to the people.BADGERThe people can suck my big, fat,cock.Badger points to a FAT CHICKEN.FAT CHICKENBicaw?Badger gets behind the desk and puts his feet up.BADGER(CONTD)Orphan boy, get in here!The Orphan comes running in.BADGER(CONTD)Get your self up here, your body issofter than the desk.ORPHANYes, Sheriff sir.BADGERAlso suck my big, fat cock.ORPHANYes, Sheriff sir.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 22.Crawls on the desk. Badger puts his feet on him. Orphanstarts sucking on the Fat Chickens head.FAT CHICKENBicaw?Horse watches.BADGERWhat are you lookin at?EXT. OLD SHMIGGLESVILLE - DAYThe town is relatively empty. A screaming is heard in thedistance. It gets louder.BADGER(O.S.)AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!Sheriff Badgers body splats on the ground.The FERRETS scurry up and grab his things and body partsthen scurry off.INT. TALLEST TOWER IN TOWN - FLOOR 311 - DAYHorse is standing next to the broken window. He turns to theOrphan on the desk.DUCKDo good by this town. Youre theSheriff now.He tosses the Orphan the badge. It hits him in the face.ORPHANOw!DUCKOr maybe, elect someone. I dontknow. I have to go now. Morebounties out there that needhunting.ORPHANOkay.DUCKWell, bye.ORPHANBye bye.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 23.DUCKWait. Whats your name?ORPHANRigby.DUCKThats a great name, Rigby. Dontlet anyone tell you differently.ORPHANThanks Mister Duck!DUCKName is Horse, kid. Never forgetit.EXT. OLD SHMIGGLESVILLE - DAYHorse rides down the road on his carriage towards the end oftown. Rhino looks just as happy as ever.As Horse reaches the end of town, he passes the Sexy Swan ona porch.SWANAsshole.He turns his face the other way. A single tear DWEEPS downhis face.TAGEXT. LAIR OF VILLAINS - NIGHTA spooky, Gothic castle on the peak of a cliff above theocean.INT. LAIR OF VILLAINS - MAIN HALL - CONTINUOUSLooks like a house Guillermo Del Toro would expect rich,white, Republican ghosts to live in.INT. LAIR OF VILLAINS - THRONE ROOM - CONTINUOUSA crazy lab, with tech and chemicals all around, but still alarge throne room. A SHADOWY FIGURE sits upon the throne.Sloth kneels before him.SLOTHYour majesty, he got away.(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 24.SHADOWY FIGUREAnd Shmigglesville?SLOTHNow in control of the people.SHADOWY FIGURENo! This duck named Horse must bestopped or his reckless sense ofmorality will crush all of myenterprises.SLOTHI agree.SHADOWY FIGUREGood. Thats why Ive assigned youa new partner.SLOTHYour majesty?SHADOWY FIGURESay hello to Mama Badger.Mama Badgers Ghost appears.MAMA BADGERHe took ma boy from me. We gonnakill him fo sho.SHADOWY FIGUREExcellent. Go then. Sloth, you mayrise.SLOTHYes, your majesty.SHADOWY FIGUREPlease rise.SLOTHI am.SHADOWY FIGUREJust get up!SLOTHI am getting up!SHADOWY FIGUREIs this going to take long?(CONTINUED)CONTINUED: 25.SLOTHYes! Probably!SHADOWY FIGUREDo that ninja teleport thing youdo.SLOTHI like to save it for only when Ireally need it.The shadowy figure sighs.SHADOWY FIGUREFine. Go now, Mama Badger. Meet upwith Sloth in Dickleston. Preparefor Horse, and when he arrives...kill... hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim.DUN DUNNA!END.