MUSSAR PARENTINGamericanmussar.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/03/2-Mussar... · 2018. 3. 2. · Slide...

MUSSAR PARENTINGMEETING II: PATIENCE

Facilitator Guide

2 Copyright 2017 Greg Marcus Patience V1.0

Slide 2: Welcome• Here you will cover the welcome, meditation, check in,

closing the prior soul trait.

Slide 3: Sh’maMeditate for 1-5 minutes. You may skip the relaxation part. Be sure to include the part in bold below. It sets the stage for sacred/safe space.

• Close your eyes and get comfortable.

• Take a deep breath in through the nose, and then out through the mouth.

• Allow a wave or relaxation to move through your body. Starting at the very top of the head, feel it move past your forehead, past your nose. Open your jaw and allow it to relax.

• Past your neck, past your shoulders, through the chest and past the heart. Down the arms past the elbows, past the wrists, and through the hands.

• Back into the body as we go past the waist, down the thighs past the knees. Into the calves. Now past the ankles. Feel the wave slowly cross the ball of the foot, into the toes and through.

• Onyournextinhale,saytoyourself“Shma.”OnyourexhaleListen.

(pause)ShmaListen

InShma,welistendeeply.WithoutjudgmentWithoutgivingadvice.

Welistenconfidentially,andwelistenwithanopenheart.ShmaListen.

• [Ring bell] When you are ready you may open your eyes.

Copyright 2017 Greg Marcus2 Patience V1.0

Welcome | Sharing | Closing Humility25 minutes

Opening20-25 minutes

Cover all slides in this section


Sh’ma | Listenmeditation


Slide 4: Weekly Check In

• Coming out of the meditation, smile at everyone, look around the circle and invite people to share, saying something like:

“Now it is time to check in on our Mussar practice. Here we will each share for 1-2 minutes. During this session, it is important to listen closely. There is no cross talk,answering,riffing,orofferingadvice.Wearesharing in community.”

• Sharefirst.Think ahead of time what you would like to share. Model spending only 1-2 minutes on the answer.

• Then proceed to the person to your left, and proceed clockwise

• Thank each person for sharing. If someone shares something particularly personal and/or emotional, thank them by name.

• You may want to have a timersetfor2minutesforeachperson. If someone really gets off track, say “may I pause you a moment” remind them to share a story from their personal experience, not to talk about people in general.”

• Afterthecheckin,giveasummaryofcommonthemes,andallowanopportunityforreactions,andfinalcommentsonthepriorsoultrait.


Weekly Check In1-2 minutes

•Summarize your practice – journaling,reading,affirmation

•Easy, hard?

•Have you noticed any changes?


Slide 5: Learning About Patience

• Explain that in this part of the meeting, we willlearnaboutthesoultraitofPatience. Here we are trying to understandwhattheMussartradition has to teach, asafirststeptowardsengagingwiththisonamorepersonal level.

Slide 6: Assumptions

• We make these assumptions as the backstory for Judaism and Mussar practice. We may or may not agree with them, but we assume they are true to see where that will take us.

• Each week we focus on one that relates to the soul traits we will be practicing. See p. 67-69 in the book.

• The Divine spark is apieceoftheDivinethatweallcarry–wearecreatedintheDivineimage. If unsure of the Divinity, think of it as that commonsparkofhumanity that we all share.

• Share Rabbi Akiva’s teaching that it was a gift to be created in God’s image, and an even greater gift to be told we were created in God’s image, because now we have something to live up to.

• Baggage: The hurts and issues from that past that we all carry around. They preventusfromseeingourownspark,andthesparksofothers. Mussar helps us move the bags to let the lights shine through.

• As parents, cultivating our own spark, and recognizing the spark in our children will help us remain calm, and model menchy behavior for our kids.


Learning About Patience

Learning35-40 minutes


Assumptions

•ThereisaDivineSparkineveryone,whichisoccludedbyourbaggage

•We all have free will, but it is not always accessible

•Wearedrivenbytheconflictbetween the Evil Inclination and the Good Inclination)

•We all share the same soul traits, but have a unique measure of each

gregorymarcusSticky Note


Slide 7: What Is Patience?

• Patienceisaboutenduringsuffering. The Hebrew word for the Patience soul trait has the same root as the word for the guy whocarriestheluggage.

• Also that Moses delivered the Israelites from bearingtheburdenofslavery.

• Patience is about enduringsomethinguncomfortable.

• We only need Patience when something makes us uncomfortable.

• Anyone see a link to parenting?

Slide 8: Soul Trait Spectrum for Patience

• Ask: “What happens if we have too little Patience?” Pause and wait for an answer. A long pause is ok.

• Ask: “What happens if we have too much Patience?”

• Allow some discussion, as it relates to people’s personal experience as individuals and as parents.


What Is Patience?

•The ability to endure an unpleasant situation

•From the Hebrew savlanut – not in the Torah •Silvot means to bend down and carry

a burden. God tells Moses he will deliver them from silvot in Egypt

•Patience is about enduring suffering •When there are no other options

•Patience is about time perception. •Wanting more now causes stress, but

waiting too long for more leads to unhappiness


Soul Trait Spectrum for Patience

This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does


Slide 9: From Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh

• Usethisreadingforpartnerortriosstudy.

• Have someone read it out loud in the group.

• Ask for a strict interpretation of what the author is trying to teach. Ask people to limit personal reactions for now. Seefirstquestiononthenextslide.

• When everyone has a baseline understanding of the point,breakintotodyadsortriadstoanswerquestionof how they relate this teaching to their lives and parenting.Secondquestiononthenextslide.

• Note: Some people react negatively to the male-only language in Levin’s writing. We have an opportunity to focus on the core teaching, bringing with us a modern, egalitarian vibe.

Slide 10: Questions After Reading

• Give a reminder out loud to switch so each person has a chance to share.

• Come back together

• Ask people to share what they discussed (and remind them not to share their partner’s story without permission.)

• Popcorn out some answers.


From Cheshbon Ha’Nefesh


Questions After Reading

•Literal: what is the lesson from the text. Suspending your own reaction, what is Rabbi Levin trying to teach us?

•Personal: How does this relate to your own life as a parent?


Slide 11: Practicing Patience

• Now that we understand what Mussar is trying to teach us about Patience, we’ll spend some time discussing how to practice it.

• In your planning, you may want to pick which slides from here you’d like to cover. But depending on how the discussion goes, you may decide to focus on a different lesson. You will not have time to cover everything.

Slide 12: How To Practice Patience

• You may or may not have time to read through and discuss this slide.

• Key points:

• Patience is bearing the burden of a situation

• Emulate a person or the Divinity to practice patience

• God is considered patient with us because we are not punished for making mistakes/missing the mark which we do every day.

• If not sure about the Divinity, think about the patience of the universe. It endures, and will always be there. The Universe wants us to thrive


Practicing Patience

Practice15 minutes


How To Practice Patience

1. Observetofindoutwhenyoubecomeimpatient•Accept the reality

2. Emulate a model of Patience•God is slow to anger, God gives us the

power to do what he doesn’t want us to do. God is waiting for us to get it right

3. When we practice patience, we emulate God •That is the purpose of life, to emulate God•Or, get in touch with the deeper part of

yourself, not just the physical part

4. Find someone who is patient to emulate. You can’t learn to do it if no one around you does it. •e.g. Grandmother who waited 20 years

for political prisoner husband to be released. Mediate on her image.


Slide 13: Difficult Situation Decision Tree

• Have someone read through the decision tree.

• Ask: What stands out for you as you look over the decision tree? Any surprises?

• If we can’t control the situation, our only choice is Patience.

• Ask:WhatSoulTraitisthequestion“areyoumoreimportant” is referring to? Answer: Humility

• There may be times when are in a crisis, and need to rush. Most of the time, we are no more important than the other person

• Injusticeordangerinvites/requiresaction

Slide 14: Why She Turned Down the Promotions

Optional slide:• You can do a dyad/trio discussion or as a group. Read

aloud as a group before breaking into pairs. Ask people to focusonatimewhen,as a parent,theymadeadeliberatedecisiontobepatient,orwishtheyhadbeenpatient.Journalingagreatfitheretoo.

• Stress there are no right or wrong answers. Also ask people not to judge the person making choices.

• Don’t allow a general discussion of gender roles nor allow people to share the story of a friend.

• Do allow people share share/process personal feelings of anger/fear

• Thisisaboutpersonalreflection.


Figure 8: Patience or Enthusiasm Decision Tree

Do you find the situation stressful?

Can you controlthe situation?

Are your needsmore important?

Is there injusticeor danger?

action withenthusiasm

action withenthusiasm

patience

enjoy tranquility

patience

yes

yes

no

no

yesyes

no

no

DifficultSituationDecisionTree


Why She Turned Down the Promotions

Excerpts from an interview Greg Marcus conducted with a marketing professional, who explained why she turned down a promotion to Director three times:•‘Firstofall,whenItalkedtothemanager,IsaidIwantedtostartafamilyandtomakesureitwasn’taweekendtypejob.Hesaidtome,“WehavetheoccasionalSaturdaymeetingbutitdoesn’thappenthatoften.”’•“Thesecondtimewasaftermaternityleave.Formeitwasaboutmypersonalchoices.Itdidn’tfeelright.Ifelttheopportunitywouldalwaysbethere.Isuspectitisdifferentformenthanforwomen,because[thewoman]isconsideredtheprimarycaregiver…”•“IfIfeelIcan’tdoagoodjob,I’llturnitdown.Idon’twanttogetinthereandbeoverwhelmed,orfeelI’mnotdoingaswellasIcouldbedoing.”


Slide 15: Teachings on Patience

• Some optional teachings on Patience that can be used to supplement other points here or at other times during the meeting.

• The 40 years in the desert is like the adolescence of the Israelites. We had to wander to outgrow our slave mentality.

Slide 16: My Next Step: Patience

• Say: Now it is time for each of us to decidehowwewillpracticePatiencein the coming weeks.

• We all have our own spiritual curriculum, and thus will pick something to focus on to answer our own personal challenges.

• Wecanchoosetofocusonsomethingthatdirectlyrelatestoparenting,oritcanbeoutsideofparenting.Beingbalancedingeneralwillallowustoshowupwithbalancedpatienceasparents.


Teachings on Patience

•Rav Preda – taught a student each lesson 400 times. One day he repeated all 400 lessons because the student became distracted after an interruption. [Talmud: Eruvin 54b]

•Wendy Mogel – “Teenscanonlylearnbymakingmistakes.”•Like our 40 years in the desert –

“No shortcuts allowed.” [BlessingsofaBMinus, p. 4]


My Next Step: Patience

My Next Step & Closing15 minutes


Slide 17: Your Personal Practice: Patience

• Ask everyone to close their eyes, and to think about the followingquestions.

• Ask people to get out their journal, and to write down they see their challenges, and what action they will take.

• Popcorn out the answers

Slide 18: Patience Actions

• Have people read these out loud, one per person, and askforreactions– this is a fast and informal moment, to start building ideas for whateachpersonwilldecidetodoforthemselves.

• See page 74-76 in The Spiritual Practice of Good Actions for an explanation of these actions.


Your Personal Practice: Patience

•How do you understand Patience as it relates to your spiritual curriculum and as a parent?

•Where do you sit along the Patience spectrum?

•Where does your Patience balance come into play with your parenting?

•What is one small action that you can take to move towards balance?


Patience Actions

•Remind yourself that it is okay to be patient because things will work out eventually

•Meditate on the mental image of a patient person

•Give thanks for the opportunity to practice patience

•Look for the divine spark in others

•Speak more or less

•Summon a song from your playlist


Slide 19: Final Thoughts on Patience

• Someoptionalinformationtoincludeifitfits.

Slide 20: Patience Homework

It is important to close sacred space with a short gratitude meditation, and thank you. Sample Gratitude Mediation

• Relax in your seat and close your eyes.• Take in a deep breath through the nose. • Hold, • Exhale slowly through the mouth.• Think of the people in your life who you are most

grateful for — our kids, parents, partner if we have one, friends.

• Our children’s teachers, friends, and support structures.

• Let’s visualize their divine sparks, and be grateful that we have an opportunity to be more patient with them.

• Let’s take a moment to be grateful for our Mussar practice, and this wonderful opportunity to share in community.

• And I thank you for being a part of my life.• Have a wonderful week. [ring bell if you have one]• When you are ready you may open your eyes.

After the mediation:

• Hand out the index cards, have people write down the mantra

• Handing out the index cards after the closing reminds people that this is still work to do


Final Thoughts on Patience

•Everybody is a soul, has God’s potential

•Remind yourself that you are a soul, and the other person is a soul too

•When you are patient, it makes the rest of your life better

•Our culture is very impatient today, short attention span.

•Cultivate patience by keeping Shabbat and switching off


Patience Homework

•Mantra: This too shall pass, and I have the strength to get by until it does

•Place your index card to see it in the morning.

•Read and meditate before you begin your day.

•Observe & be mindful of Patience throughout the day.

•Take one small action towards balance

•Every night, write a few words in your journal about experiences from the day that relate to Patience.

Closing1-2 minutes

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