MORON The

THE MORON

“ F o r a G r e a t l y A n d M o r e B e t t e r L o y o l a ”Vol. 67, NO. 45 FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2010

PAGE 1Loyola's Only Serious

Newspaper Since 1540

University plans for new Danna Center's erection

Loyola will be ready for its moment after taking a $69 million capital insertion by Costa Rican business mogul Pene Verga Tringle.

Named in honor of Fr. Richard Harden, S.J., the man charged with the appointment of priests to missionary positions in Latin America, the new structure will feature a multi-story dormitory atop a three-story student center.

It has, however, met with mixed reactions. “It’s stunning, really. I never expected it to be so big,” said Claire DuTige, English writing freshman.

Other students are less impressed. “I don’t see what the big deal is, I mean, it’s not really that big. So what? Just because Tulane’s [dorm] is smaller doesn’t mean this one is big,” said David Cowen, finance junior.

George Blakely, Tulane psychology senior, agrees, “Size isn’t everything. If you’ve ever lived in Tulane’s dorms, you’d know that. I think, in the end, this won’t satisfy

the school’s needs.” The university administration,

however, dismissed concerns. “That is a huge fallacy. It is the perfect size to satisfy our needs,” said Cissy Petty, Dean of Press Releases.

The size and shape of the building is unusual and has produced several engineering feats, such as the largest elevator shaft in the city of New Orleans, and the Mushroom Top, a rotating restaurant and lounge situated at the tip of the building.

According to Benjamin Dover, the building’s architect, the size of the building does present some difficulties. “The substantial girth of this building makes it awkward. It just doesn’t want to fit into some campuses,” said Dover. ‘To make matters worse, we had to tap Biever Hall’s water lines, which can’t handle this kind of capacity. We’re hoping we don’t rupture Biever’s plumbing.”

Dover is also concerned with his performance and that of his men who are working on the Mushroom Top Lounge. “The tip is the most sensitive part of the operation,” says Dover. “It’s a hard job, and we don’t want to blow it.”

Loyola Students awed; Tulane students intimidated, envious

Archictect's plans for the new Richard Harden, S.J., Hall include a roof-level lounge, The Mushroom Top Lounge and a sundeck.

It’s official: Loyola’s Creative Writing program is back on its feet and operating in full force.

Recently, and explosion of poetry, located conveniently inside bathroom stalls, has rocked Loyola’s English Department.

“This style of prose...it’s so elegant, yet it strikes a chord - deep in the gut - it just feels like an almost physical relief; to have an art form so fresh,” said Carmen Regal, English writing junior. “Take the following stanza for example:

Here I sit with a broken heart, I came to shit,

But only did fart.

Deuce Doorman, professor of creative writing explained, “Poetry is something that comes from inside of you. It is an expression of all that you take in, and process. It is a unique outpouring of emotion. Obviously, the writer felt very strongly about his or her experience.”

According to Doorman, bathroom stalls are often fraught with emotion and this is reflected in poetry. “Poetry is often an expression of one’s reaction to the world around you. A reaction against any type of socioeconomic oppression that you might be

facing," said Doorman. "I was very touched and deeply

saddened by a truly evocative oeuvre I discovered in the restroom on the 4th floor of Monroe last week. Mirror, mirror, in the stall, Who is the smelliest one of all? Here I sit on stinky vapor, Because someone stole

the toilet paper. As I lay, as I linger... Shall I be forced to use my finger?!

“Our students are finally reacting in a positive and decisive way to the injustices all around them,” said Doorman.

Chad Carson, alum 2010 and former LUCAP chair, is leading a grassroots effort to bring an end to

what he calls inhuman examples of gastrointestinal intolarnce.

“Students are working to rectify those problems," said Carson. "Isn’t that what being in a Jesuit, social justice oriented university is all about? I’m so proud.”

Carson also hinted that mere poetry would not be enough.

"I'm preparing to lead strikes against Loyola's toilet paper vendor that will last until this tyranny and injustice is put to an end," Carson said.

Bathroom stalls show success of English programFormer LUCAP chair prepares to lead strike

against TP vendor

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MORON The

SGA passes anti-Tulane immigration law LU 1070 SGA is attempting to battle the

rise in Tulane students making use of Loyola facilities by passing LU 1070.

SGA President Kate Gremillion signed LU 1070 into law on Wednesday and said that the law will make life on campus easier for Loyola students. “Over one gremillion Tulane students cross Freret Street every day,” Gremillion said. “They’re taking the food, facilities, and classes of hardworking Loyola students.”

LU 1070 requires students, faculty and staff on campus to carry Loyola identification on them at all times.

Those who fail to present appropriate ID will be detained indefinitely in a secret prison, rumored to be somewhere near Stallings Hall. “It’s not about

discrimination,” said LUPD director Patrick Bailey. “But let’s face it, it’s a fairly easy call to make.”

The new law is falling under criticism from Loyola and Tulane students alike. Sandra White, a philosophy junior, said LU 1070 is just another abuse of power by the SGA.

“The students are fed up with SGA,” White said. “We’re willing to fight this one all the way up to the Faculty Senate.”

Both the Loyola and Tulane Jewish Student Associations fear that LU 1070 will inherently lead to racial stereotyping

Abraham Berkowitz, a Tulane finance sophomore, has continued to frequent the Orleans Room, now paying in cash instead of using his wave card.

“They still have the red beans

and rice without sausage on Mondays, but I know it’s a trap,” Berkowitz said. “I don’t go near the bagels anymore either. Not since they stationed a police officer by the shmear.”

Some students say the law does not go far enough.

“We welcome them onto our campus, we feed them, and we let them use the library,” said Janece Florentine, general studies freshman. “I bet they’ve never even looked at the bible, let alone used it as a message of hate.”

LU 1070 faces the SGA Supreme Court on Friday Oct. 29, leaving many Tulane students temporarily banned until the decision is final.

“I’m just going to have to risk it until then,” Berkowitz said. “Getting arrested is still better than eating at Bruff.”

LU Baseball team discards bats, picks up brooms

The literacy rate at Loyola is on the rise.

As Loyola starts its second decade in the 21st century, it is seeing an explosion in the number of students who can read.

The results of this boom are

everywhere. Most notable, however, is the baseball team. Due to the recent passing of their only fan, a hobo who lived under the bleachers where they play (where is that?), the team has decided to move in a new direction.

The players have taken their bats, attached pompoms to the end and now run with them between their legs while wearing bath robes.

This incredible shift of direction came after the team’s equipment manager read part of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone while hungover in the dugout. How he got the book remains a mystery.

“We were desperate.” Charles DuPont, broom master and former bat boy told reporters.

As if by magic, the team’s fan base has more than quintupled.

“Who knew all we had to do was spray paint the ball gold and glue little pipe cleaner wings to it,” marveled Loyola’s star keeper and former catcher.

It is still unsure where the Loyola Quidditch team plays. The fact that there are no International Quidditch Association sanctioned pitches here in New Orleans only muddies the issue.

A student poll of one student suggested that the only way to get to the pitch is via a portkey disguised as Dr. Cotton’s left shoe. This remains to be proven.

Brett Simpson, Associate Athletic Director suggests that running at full speed into the small space between the doors that lead into the RecPlex with a shopping cart and a live owl is a good start.

LUPD officers prepare to raid the Orleans Room.

Members of the former LU baseball team battle the Alabama Crimson Tide. They compete for the coveted Muggle-Lover Cup.

Inside This Issue

- News: Senoir Class Missing, LU Unconcerned p. F32 - News: PB&J: Over One Gremillion Served p. B2- News: SGA Fears Coup Attempt; 1540 cited as threat; Defcon level raised to 'Nefarious Red' p.A5-Life & Times: Freshman Stays Classy; Peers Incredulous-Opinion: Common Curriculum Werks p. A3- Letter: Yellow Cake to LU, "I'm happier in my new home. People understand me here and think I'm beautiful. I don't need you!" p. A4

What was your halloween costume?

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