Mommy Leadership How to Use Your Mot

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Copyright © 2010 Stephanie Williams

ISBN-13: 978-0-9826054-0-0

Library of Congress Control Number: 2010922064

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EmpowWORD Publishing 2010

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Mommy Leadership

How to Use Your Motherhood

Experience to Grow as a Leader

Stephanie Williams



Special Thanks

This book was a labor of love, yet it was one of the most

challenging projects I have ever undertaken. There are

some key people who made the journey possible.

* First, to my God and Saviour, who gave me the idea for

Mommy Leadership and the grace to pursuit it.

* To my husband, for inspiring me to dream, encouragingme to pursue it, and supporting the process. I love you,

man!

* To my children, for allowing me to take precious time away

from them and for providing a true motherhood experience.

* To my parents and mother-in-law, for supporting and

believing in me.

* To my sisters, Clarissa and Sherri for being my best

friends and to my brother, Henry Jr. for his quiet support.

* To my special sister-friends, Wanda, Tracy, and Sonia for

taking an active role in helping me complete this book and

reminding me that I could do it.

* To my spiritual brother and mentor, Marvin, for all the

advice and encouragement.

* To my other family members and friends, for praying and

thinking of me.



For Mommy Leaders everywhere…Through this book, be inspired and through your life,

continue to inspire.



ix

Contents

PART I: An Introduction to Mommy Leadership ............... 1

INTRODUCTION ..................................................................... 3

CHAPTER ONE: What is Mommy Leadership?....................... 9

CHAPTER TWO: Guiding Principles ..................................... 33

PART II: The Mommy Leadership Method ...................... 43

CHAPTER THREE: Leadership and You ............................... 45

CHAPTER FOUR: Skill Identification (Recognize It) ........... 55

CHAPTER FIVE: Skill Adaptation (Transfer It) ................... 73

CHAPTER SIX: Skill Execution (Do It) ................................ 83

CHAPTER SEVEN: Skill Repetition (Make It Stick) ............ 89

PART III: A Message of Motivation .................................. 99

CHAPTER EIGHT: A Mommy Leadership Lesson .............. 101

CHAPTER NINE: The Mommy Leadership Continuum ...... 109

FINAL WORDS: Reasons or Excuses: It Doesn't

Really Matter .............................................................. 121

THE MOMMY LEADERSHIP METHOD ...................... 129

WORKS CITED ............................................................... 131



PART I

An Introduction to Mommy Leadership



3

INTRODUCTION

f you are a mother, there is a leader in you. You

may or may not have developed or exercised the

leader in you, but rest assured that she is in

there. You have influence on the thoughts and actions ofothers. It is the purpose of this book to help you identify

your current leadership skills and develop them to their

fullest potential. Whether your leadership contribution is in

a Fortune 500 company or in your local PTA, it is a

contribution that you should fully equip yourself to make.

You owe it to those you lead and you owe it to yourself. You

can make a difference in your environment, whether it is at

home, work, or your community. Your potential is limited

only by the limits you set for yourself.

I



Mommy Leadership

4

One day, it occurred to me as I drove home from work

to my husband and children that I felt trapped in

motherhood. Of course, I am ashamed to admit it because I

know children are a gift from God and motherhood is a

blessing. So why did I feel trapped? Based on the recent

events of my life, I became keenly aware of the constant

weight of responsibility for my children's well-being and

development. The time I spent doing the very best for my

children left me little time, if any at all, for my own personal

and professional development. I didn't want to take on more

challenging assignments at work for fear they would steal

time that should be devoted to my children. I realized more

challenging assignments are generally the cost of admission

for leadership positions in the workplace. It was the same

situation at my church. I wanted to be more involved and

take on more responsibility at my church, but who would

take care of my children while my husband was busy? I felt

stagnant. I felt trapped. Then another thought occurred to

me. Why does my development as a leader have to be

separate from being a mother to my children? The answer is

that it doesn’t. Why can't I use the same skills at work that I

use in motherhood? The answer is I can (with a little

modification that is.)

The truth is that motherhood offers a wealth of

opportunity to develop leadership skills. Every day as a

mother I learn something else about myself, about

relationships with others, and about achieving my

objectives. Each lesson is so valuable that when I reflect on

it, I find new ways to add to my growth as a person using

that lesson.



Introduction

5

Every now and again, we hear a research study on

what stay-at-home moms would earn if they were paid for

the job that they do. Stay-at-home moms work hard.

Sometimes there is a misunderstanding of that truth.

Because of this truth, working moms continue to search for

the elusive balance between work and family. Whether stay-

at-home mom or working mom, motherhood is arguably one

of the most difficult jobs around. While many moms make it

look easy, motherhood requires women to develop and

motivate people, resolve conflicts, manage limited resources,

handle crisis situations, use creativity to solve problems,

and the list goes on. If these skills were listed on a résumé,

it would look quite impressive. Many of the situations

mothers are called upon to handle can easily be likened to

leadership situations. Sadly, mothers seldom get the credit

for how much they do with so little. Some moms have

successfully developed amazingly efficient and effective

"systems" of managing work while raising children. What is

even more disappointing is that mothers themselves often

don't realize the skills they have developed and regularly

practice in their daily lives.

The purpose of this book is two-fold: 1) motivation

and 2) instruction. Motivation is the number one purpose

because mothers, like leaders, cannot effectively motivate

others (children or employees) if they themselves are not

motivated. It is important for mothers to understand the

value of what they do and the lives they affect. Mothers

shape the adults of tomorrow. Those adults will make up our

society. It is my objective to make sure that every mother I

reach recognizes the "big job" that she does. Motherhood is



Mommy Leadership

6

not for the faint of heart. Any mother can tell you of the

many times she was stretched by being a mother. From the

time her child is born until adulthood, the responsibilities

are numerous in caring for that child. It takes a lot of

courage to be a mother…especially these days. The world is

not always a safe or welcoming place, and to nurture and

train a child to deal with the culture of today is difficult. It

seems that there are so many precautions we need to teach

our children to help keep them safe. Furthermore, the

fortitude a mother must have to guide her child through the

struggles of life should not be underestimated. It normally

is not smooth sailing from ages 0 to 18. More often than not,

stormy seas are encountered at some point in raising a child.

Yet these experiences give a mother great insight on

relating to other people, problem solving, crisis

management, and other beneficial skills. The motherhood

experience adds to a woman, not take away.

I have a friend who was interviewing with another

company while on maternity leave from her current

employer. She was so concerned that the potential employer

would be turned off by the fact that she had a baby. Many

women feel the same way because society doesn't yet

understand that motherhood can bring out the best

leadership qualities in a woman and enhance them by their

practical implementation into daily life. I admit that before

motherhood I had more time and schedule flexibility, but I

have never been so resourceful and creative since I became a

mother. Believe it or not, our motherhood experience can be

an asset at work and not a liability.



Introduction

7

My second purpose for this book is to teach women a

simple method of capitalizing on their motherhood

experiences for leadership. Through a series of four discrete

stages, Mommy Leadership takes mothers from recognizing

their specific leadership skills and talents to actually

implementing them in the workplace. The process builds

from there, and the result is that women will become better

leaders at work, church, or whatever organization a woman

chooses to serve. It is high time that mothers stop

compartmentalizing their skills and talents and capitalize

on all that they are and have to offer. Of course, no mother

does everything right, but all of us can point to something

we do well. That something is our focus.

As you read this book, take the time to reflect on each

section and make it personal. Great leadership requires

reflection. Many leaders are so busy leading that they don't

think about the plusses, minuses, whys and how of what

they do. They just do it. Reflecting on the skills you are

learning from motherhood will give you great insight into

the many ways you have developed as a leader, along with

the potential leadership development you may want to

pursue. Leading is just as much about what's going on inside

the leader as it is about what's going on with your followers.

When it comes to your role as a leader, my message is

clear. Find it, embrace it, and begin to build upon it. This

book was written to help you begin (or continue) the self-

discovery process of your leadership destiny.

Throughout the book, I will encourage you to also

reflect on various aspects of motherhood and leadership. I

recognize that mommies are busy people who seldom have



Mommy Leadership

8

long segments of uninterrupted time to spend to thinking,

let alone writing something down. However, I feel it is

important to do so in order to get the maximum benefit from

this book. I cannot count the number of books I have started

and not finished for lack of time. For that reason, the

chapters have been intentionally kept short so that my

readers can read and digest the information in small chunks

of time. I like to call those chunks of time Mommy

Leadership Moments. Enjoy each one of your moments.



9

CHAPTER ONE

What is Mommy Leadership?

t is no revelation that women are taking on

increasingly significant leadership roles in record

numbers. If you look in any arena - corporate,

political, academic, entrepreneurial, military, or not forprofit – you will see examples of high ranking women

responsible for leading scores of people within their

organizations. These women are called upon to make

decisions, motivate people, and ensure overall

organizational performance. More and more organizations

are recognizing the importance of having diverse candidates

in leadership positions. Not because it looks good (although

that helps), but because it is clear that a woman's unique

perspectives, qualities, and talents can add greatly to an

organization's success. Let's face it. There are more women

I



Mommy Leadership

10

in the workplace, which means more women with money to

spend. Women with money become consumers making

buying decisions. Businesses that provide goods and services

purchased by female consumers find it in the company's best

interest to draw upon women who know what other women

want.

Female leaders are not only needed in the business

sector, but wherever leaders are needed. It is really a matter

of common sense. With all of the critical problems of today's

society, we need all the talented leaders we can get. Women

make up about half of the population and, therefore, double

the talent pool. The Leadership Gap, the amount of

leadership capability that exists versus the amount

required, has been highlighted in the non-profit, education,

and business sectors just to name a few. Being a leader is a

high calling in any of these areas just as being a mother is a

high calling. Leadership is needed not only to help guide and

direct others but also to identify and develop more leaders.

The leadership industry comprises a whole host of

conferences, training seminars, and research institutes on

the topic of women and leadership. At the same time, there

is much controversy about female leaders. Do women have a

gender advantage? Are women better leaders than men? Do

women lead differently than men? Theorists and researchers

should be the ones to wrestle with these questions. Female

leaders need not waste time on the debate surrounding

these questions but should focus on becoming more effective

leaders.

The value that women add in the area of leadership

is being recognized faster in some areas and slower in




11

others. While this recognition is important, it is more

important that women themselves recognize it. It is more

important because we, more than anyone else, hold

ourselves back. Society is going to change at its own pace.

Each woman must make the decision to await change or

work to fulfill her purpose and become the most effective

leader possible regardless of the "box" she is put in. Yes,

that's right. You will be put in a box that others have used to

define and determine the value of your skills and

experience, and make a judgment on your "leadership

potential."

After years of staying in the box my employer had

assigned me, I had an epiphany. I should be the one to

determine the caliber of leader I am and will become. I

determine how much time and effort I am willing to commit

to my own development. And I determine what my skills

and experiences mean to my leadership ability. Mothers

absolutely should not define their leadership contributions

in terms of their position in the workplace. Instead, each of

us has a responsibility to find that place, job, role or career

that allows us to fulfill our leadership goals.

Many companies unfortunately appear to overlook

the skills and talents of women once they have children. It's

almost as if they believe women with children have less to

offer the company. Women are told (or shown) that they

have to make a choice between being a good mom and rising

within the corporate ranks. Although relocation, frequent

travel, and long work hours can be deterrents to mothers

accepting high-level leadership positions, working moms

still have a significant leadership contribution to make to an



Mommy Leadership

12

organization. Their lives have been changed forever, and

they practice managing another layer of complexity

everyday. Whatever the prevailing opinions are about

women in leadership, no one can take away the leadership

skills and experiences that a woman gains from motherhood.

The Study of Leadership

The focus of Mommy Leadership is to empower and

improve mothers as leaders in the workplace. However,

before we can improve as leaders, we must first take a step

back and look at what makes a leader. If you conducted a

literary review of all that has been written about leadership,

you would find that leadership has been defined in terms of

traits and attributes, skills and behaviors, principles, and

theories. Scholars and practitioners alike have tried to

determine the common traits and attributes of a great

leader. Other leadership experts sought to identify the skills

and behaviors required to be a great leader. Still others laid

out the must-know guiding principles great leaders follow.

For all the studies that have been done on leadership, it is

still difficult to grasp the full understanding of what a

leader is to be. The simple complexity of leadership makes it

easy to recognize, yet difficult to define.

Leadership scholars have developed numerous

theories and models that describe varied approaches to

leadership. These approaches explain how leaders can be

more effective in the practice of leadership. Below are a few

of the more well-known theories and models taught in

management programs around the world. Each of these




13

classic theories and models provide a glimpse into what is

considered accepted approaches to and conventional wisdom

about leadership.

Transactional Leadership, developed by leadership

expert, James MacGregor Burns, refers to leadership

resulting from a “transaction” or exchange relationship

between parties to satisfy their needs. Simply stated, the

leader gets something from the follower and the follower

gets something from the leader. The exchange can take on

many forms such as financial, psychological, or political.

One of the most common "transactions" is exchanging work

for money. Others include votes for political favors and

loyalty for special treatment.

According to Burns, transactional leadership

"requires a shrewd eye for opportunity, a good hand at

bargaining, persuading, reciprocating" (Leadership Burns,

1982: 169). Transactional leaders approach followers with

an insight for what motivates them to perform. Bosses use it

when they give raises or promotions for good performance.

This leadership approach is used every day in the

workplace. Mothers use it with their children when they

reward them for good behavior or good grades. They lead

their children to do certain things based on a promise to

fulfill one of their children's desires. This is one of the tools

in a mother's bag of tricks. It should also be a tool used by

her as a leader. The good Mommy Leader uses transactional

leadership as one of her tools of leadership in each of her

leadership roles.

Transformational Leadership, also developed by

James MacGregor Burns, takes leadership to a higher level



Mommy Leadership

14

than transactional leadership to inspire real organizational

change. This type of leadership occurs when a leader

engages her followers in such a way that they raise each

other to higher levels of purpose, motivation, and morality.

The leader inspires followers to look past their own self-

interests for the higher organizational objective. These

leaders transform followers through behaviors that inspire,

influence, motivate, empower, and stimulate creativity.

Followers share the vision created and articulated by the

transformational leader.

The transformational leader "... recognizes and

exploits an existing need or demand of a potential

follower...(and) looks for potential motives in followers, seeks

to satisfy higher needs, and engages the full person of the

follower" (Leadership Burns, 1982: 4). As children mature,

mothers begin to use transformational leadership (rather

than transactional) to inspire their children to greater levels

of achievement academically, emotionally, spiritually,

socially, etc. For example, a mother no longer uses the

promise of a reward or punishment to encourage her child to

improve his grades. Through transformational leadership,

striving for excellence and learning to become a contributing

member of society are enough to motivate that child in

school. His attitude toward school was "transformed" in

large part because of the inspirational influence of his

mother. His mother can use those same transformational

leadership skills to change those who look to her for

leadership within her organization.

Another popular leadership model is Servant

Leadership, introduced by Robert Greenleaf . The Servant




15

Leader approaches leadership as a servant to her followers.

Her goal as a leader is to meet the needs of her followers

thereby raising the capacity of her followers. Greenleaf

describes the servant leader as a servant first and foremost.

Wanting to serve, according to Greenleaf, is natural and

moves that person to leadership, which differs sharply from

wanting to be the leader and not the servant. Power or

material acquisition may be at the base of the leader who

has little or no desire to serve. Most leaders are not

completely one type or the other, so there are different ratios

of these two characteristics in all leaders. Greenleaf goes on

to say the following:

"The difference manifests itself in the care

taken by the servant- first to make sure that

other people’s highest priority needs are being

served. The best test, and the most difficult to

administer, is: Do those served grow as

persons? Do they, while being served, become

healthier, wiser, freer, more autonomous…? And, what is the effect on the least privileged

in society; will they benefit or, at least, not be

further deprived?" ---- Greenleaf, 1996

Does this sound like anything you've ever done as a

mother? Servant leadership is particularly aligned with

motherhood. The very nature of motherhood is to nurture

and develop our children into positive contributing

individuals. We often set aside our goals and aspirations

temporarily (or permanently) for the sake of our children.



Mommy Leadership

16

Our main pursuit is to make sure our children are healthier,

wiser, freer, and more autonomous. Women strive to offer

the best of themselves to help their children achieve. Why

not use some of your serving skills for the organization you

lead? In serving others, you serve the whole of the

organization. Service improves the state of the corporation

in which you work.

Blanchard, Zigarmi and Zigarmi wrote Leadership

and the One Minute Manager based on the theory of

Situational Leadership. According to this theory, the leader

adjusts his leadership style or behaviors (from telling to

delegating) based on the follower's readiness (low to high) to

be led. According to this theory, the effective leader assesses

her followers' readiness or maturity in terms of ability and

willingness. The readiness (or maturity) level of the follower

determines the leader's style of leadership. Leadership

styles range from "directing" less mature followers to simply

"observing" more mature ones. The four styles of leadership

called out by this model place varying degrees of focus on

the task to be accomplished or the relationship with the

follower depending on the follower's level of readiness. When

dealing with followers who display low readiness, explaining

how to accomplish the task becomes the focus. On the other

hand, a leader of high readiness followers can focus more on

what is referred to as relationship tasks such as coaching

and providing support.

A clear example of a mother's application of

situational leadership is how she handles these two typical

situations. In the first scenario, a mother finds it necessary

to talk to her pre-teen about her reckless behavior with




17

drugs and sexual promiscuity. Her daughter is less than

cooperative and is resistant to her mother's direction.

Therefore, she has to take on a more authoritative, telling

role with her young daughter. In the second scenario, that

same mother needs to talk to her young adult child about

buying a home or getting married. Her young adult child is

mature enough to respect his mother's wisdom and

experience so he is very willing to listen to her direction. The

appropriate leadership style here is a less directive, more

coaching-type role. Same mother uses different leadership

styles based on the situation.

Why are these theories relevant? Each of these

theories relate to the philosophy of Mommy Leadership on

some level. It is amazing how the central tenets of each of

these theories are analogous to various aspects of

motherhood. At some point, mothers operate under all of the

leadership theories and models.

The point is that mothers practice each of these types

of leadership at some point in their motherhood experience.

I suspect that you have used each of these approaches at

various points in your experience as a mom. Mothers, like

leaders, have to determine which approach is most

appropriate and effective for the current situation. You

probably didn’t realize that you were practicing certain

types of leadership. Now that you realize it, think about

what you did and how you could use it in your leadership

roles outside the home. Practice those methods and make

note of the outcome. You may be surprised by the many

parallels of these methods used with your children and with

others who follow you.



Mommy Leadership

18

Mommy Leadership: A Definition

So what then is Mommy Leadership? Mommy

Leadership is the idea, belief, and philosophy that women

develop leadership skills through their experiences as

mothers and can adapt those skills to the workplace to

become better leaders. Women have so much to offer as a

result of their experiences as a mother. Research testifies to

the fact that skills gained in motherhood accommodate the

leadership needs of the workplace.

The central premise of Mommy Leadership rests on

the concept of transferable skills. Transferable skills are

skills and experiences developed in one job or position that

can be used in another. The concept of transferable skills is

considered a vital tool in selling one's qualifications. Job

seekers, particularly those new to the job market or

changing careers, are encouraged to highlight their

transferable skills from other jobs or life experiences. The

beauty of transferable skills is that you can get them from

anywhere – a previous job, a volunteer organization, a

school project, and yes, even personal life experiences. Some

examples of transferable skills include organizational skills,

management skills, communication skills, and interpersonal

skills. Mommy Leadership focuses on transferable skills

that can be used in leadership. The leadership focus is based

on the similarities between leadership and motherhood. The

various roles that a mother plays require her to use many

skills that are associated with being a good leader.

More and more, mothers are beginning to realize the

value this role can bring to a woman professionally. One




19

example is the Mompreneur movement. Mompreneurs are

stay-at-home moms who have run businesses from their

homes to supplement the family income without sacrificing

time away from their children. Ellen Parlapiano and

Patricia Cobe's book Mompreneurs: A Mother's Practical

Step-by-Step Guide to Work-at-Home Success describes the

lives of these incredible women who translated their

mommy savvy into business savvy.

Many women are in leadership roles at work and in

the community, while performing leadership-type functions

in their personal lives. They have the leadership sphere of

work and the leadership sphere of home. Exhibit 1.1 below

illustrates how women often keep the two leadership

spheres of their lives separate. This action has been referred

to as compartmentalization. A person puts everything about

one area of her life in one compartment and everything

about the other area of her life in another compartment. For

example, a mother of four children may practice building

teamwork and camaraderie among her children by teaching

them how to work together to achieve their individual and

collective goals. On the other hand, if she practices building

teamwork among her children and does not use that same

skill with her employees at work, she is not fully utilizing

her talents. When she doesn't use this valuable skill in her

personal life where appropriate, it can be said that she is

compartmentalizing. Exhibit 1.1 graphically illustrates

compartmentalization from the perspective of leadership

skills and abilities. A woman's home is a Leadership Sphere

in which she leads her children alone or together with a

spouse. A woman's job is another Leadership Sphere where



Mommy Leadership

20

her skills and attributes influence others to follow. Her

church or other volunteer organization could be yet another

Leadership Sphere. In Exhibit 1.1, the leadership skills and

experiences that she draws upon in each sphere are only

used in that sphere.

Mommy Leadership suggests that women should

handle their lives more like Exhibit 1.2. The Mother

transfers the skills she developed in her motherhood

experience to her work leadership sphere. As a result, she

has more skills and abilities from which to draw as she

performs her leadership responsibilities in her manager

role. We should draw upon the skills we practice regularly

as mothers and adapt them for use in the workplace. For

example, you may use your project management skills to

organize resources, stay on budget, motivate volunteers and

meet deadlines for your son's football booster club. Use those

same skills to manage large projects at your job.

Management and leadership guru, Warren Bennis, stated in

his book On Becoming a Leader that "the process of

becoming a leader is much the same as the process of

becoming an integrated human being. For the leader, as for

the integrated person, life itself is a career." It only makes

sense to integrate all the leadership skills, abilities, and

attributes you have at your disposal no matter where you

developed them.

Why make the analogy between leadership and

motherhood? Becoming a mother is one of the most life-

changing events a woman can experience. A mother is

probably considered the person most responsible for her

child's care and development. The care and development of




21

another human life is the ultimate in responsibility. So how

can something change a woman's life so profoundly in terms

of responsibility and not affect her leadership development?

It can't. Every mother is a leader in her home. She may not

be the leader in her home, but she is definitely a leader in

her home. Whether or not she is a good mother, she is a

leader. Whether she has control or not, she is a leader. She

is a leader because she has children looking to her for care,

guidance, protection, instruction, direction, and motivation.

She profoundly influences her children – positively or

negatively. A mother is said to be a child's first teacher. She

teaches her child how to treat himself and how to treat

others. She teaches him how to approach life with all its

promise and pain. Motherhood requires the vision to see

what our children can become and the commitment to help

them get there. The effective mother meets the everyday

needs of her children while handling their long-term

development. Likewise, a leader must handle the day-to-day

issues of the organization while developing its future

leaders. Of course, this is not to imply that those we lead are

like our children. It is only to emphasize the parallel

between a mother's duty to develop her children and a

leader's duty to develop their people.



Mommy Leadership

22

Exhibit 1.1 Two Separate Leadership Spheres




23

Exhibit 1.2 Maximized Leadership Sphere



Mommy Leadership

24

Now let's turn to leaders. Leadership is one of the

most talked about, written about, and researched topics you

could name. So why is it such a popular topic? One clear

reason is the importance of leaders. A great leader can make

a greater impact than a great follower. Although great

followers are invaluable, it is through leaders that those

followers can maximize and multiply the contribution made.

To only follow someone else’s direction limits your potential

in making a difference in the whole of whatever team or

project you are connected. To allow your skills and

experiences to flourish as a leader may bring the whole to

another level. It is a leader's responsibility to create vision

and inspire others to pursue that vision. We all have our

own concepts of leadership and who are the best examples of

it. Some of our opinions are consistent and others are

completely opposite.

There are, however, a few statements about leaders

and leadership that most everyone can agree on.

• Titles do not make leaders.

• Leaders need followers.

• Leaders do not lead in a vacuum.

Titles Do Not Make Leaders

You've probably had at least one interaction with

someone who had a leadership title but was clearly not a

leader. The leader provided no vision, no plan, no

inspiration, and no guidance. Under her leadership, the

team floundered with no hope of reaching their goal. On the




25

other hand, you may have also worked with an individual

with had no formal leadership title step out of the shadows

and take the lead. You may have watched in amazement as

she organized the collective talents of a group of people and

transformed them into a highly productive team. That

person may have even been you. The truth is that followers

focus more on what a leader does than what she is called.

On some cursory level, an individual with the title

"Director," "President," or "CEO" will command respect

simply because of the title. That level of respect only takes

the team or organization so far. At some point, followers will

require (and expect) a vision to work toward and strategies

to support that vision. In the absence of this type of

influence, followers will not rise to their collective potential.

A leader needs the skill set to effectively perform the role

with or without the title.

The responsibility is the same for leaders at work, at

church, and in any organization that has people. Whether

promoted, appointed, or elected to leadership, we look to our

leaders to give direction that moves the organization toward

its goals. If we have a work-related problem we cannot solve,

we look to our leader help for a solution. If we lack the

expertise to do our job, we look to our leader for training. If

we are trying to move up professionally, we look to our

leader for coaching or mentoring. Followers are looking for

direction, guidance, inspiration. If the CEO, President, or

Director doesn't provide those things, the followers will only

follow so far. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the great civil

rights leader, was able to influence people to follow even

though it placed them in harm's way. They did so because



Mommy Leadership

26

they believed in the vision he so often spoke about in his

speeches, not because someone declared him a civil rights

leader. A leader cannot expect to truly influence and inspire

followers based on her title alone.

It's not so different with motherhood. You may be a

child's mother, father, grandmother, aunt, or sister. If you

perform the mother role for a child, you are mother to that

child. The biological relationship is not so much what makes

someone "mom." Children (the followers) look to the person

they can depend on for guidance, protection, instruction, and

nurturing. This truth is what makes adoption so successful

for many families. Just like any other real leader, an

effective mother earns her position by what she does not

because she is called "mother."

Leaders Need Followers

He who thinketh he leadeth and hath no one

following him is only taking a walk.

---Anonymous

This old adage has been used to highlight various

observations about leadership. If we learn nothing else from

it, the saying reminds us that without followers, you are not

a leader. Followers are a critical component of the

leadership process. A leader needs followers to execute a

strategy or carry out a vision. It is through followers that

leaders make things happen. Followers are a rich source of

diverse talents and experience from which leaders can draw.

This talent pool should be valued and nurtured. The proper




27

care and keeping of followers is a significant competitive

advantage for corporate managers, entrepreneurs, political

figures, educators, medical professionals or anyone else who

needs others to accomplish objectives. To lose sight of

followers’ contributions is to sabotage your own success. It

is common to hear executives say people are our greatest

asset, yet their actions say quite the opposite. They don't

invest the required time to develop relationships with their

followers. This is not to say that leaders should strive to

become friends with their followers. However, it is

important for leaders to demonstrate care and recognition

that each follower is an individual with a life, a family,

talents, experience, fears and dreams. Amazingly, only a

small amount of personal attention from the leader

generally makes a follower feel valued. A follower who feels

valued is a person who is more likely to contribute than

someone who feels taken for granted.

As Mommy Leaders, our children are our followers.

In this context it is easy to recognize the importance of

developing relationships with our followers. No amount of

toys, clothes, or money can replace the relationship a mother

has with her children. Children want (and expect) mommy

to show an interest in and spend time with them. Similar to

adult followers, children may not verbalize this desire and

expectation. A teenager who believes her mother is too busy

to notice her is quite likely to act out in some way. That

same teenager won't be easily led or influenced by her

mother. Are adult followers really much different?

Another way that leaders "miss the boat" with

followers is by failing to train or develop them. Training



Mommy Leadership

28

and development is one of the first expenses to get cut when

the budget gets tight or workload increases. As stated

earlier, followers can be a rich talent pool. With the proper

development, some of these followers can and should grow to

become leaders themselves. Talented, motivated followers

who receive training and practical experience can become

invaluable assets to their organizations. Developing future

leaders should be a key priority for leaders. This is how the

group or organization survives and thrives. Follower

development not only produces leaders, but also highly

competent individual contributors. Either way, developing

those who look to you for leadership raises the overall

competency of your team. A more talented team can greatly

increase the chances of your success.

Again, in the context of motherhood, the vital

importance of training and developing followers cannot be

overstated. Children come into the world as blank slates

searching for guidance as to who they will become. The

training and development of a child encompasses a broad

range of areas from developing personal hygiene to

developing personal ethics. It is a mother's responsibility to

develop her children into independent adults. If we do it to

the best of our ability, our children will grow to become

great parents to their children. Through this cycle of

development, our family "organization" becomes better and

more prosperous. This is our hope when we teach our

children how to behave, spend money wisely, and get an

education. Each generation builds on what they have

learned and is better off for it.




29

The Leadership Landscape

A leader does not lead in a vacuum. There are many

environmental factors that affect the leadership process. In

addition to the people we lead, the factors and trends of

society must also be managed. Any area in which you

operate as a leader has its own special factors at work. If

you are a leader in the area of education, social services,

manufacturing, medicine, government, or business, there

are specific factors and trends that will help or hinder the

accomplishment of your objectives. A leader must manage

all of these issues in addition to the followers for which they

are responsible. It is vital that we are intelligent about our

leadership landscape. What environmental factors could

impede the accomplishment of my goals? What other

influences could sway my followers? Are there external

resources (financial, human, or otherwise) available that

could improve my chances of success at reaching my

objectives? No matter where and who you lead, these are

important questions to ask yourself and be able to answer.

Your answers to these questions provide valuable input into

your leadership strategy. For example, a high school

principal has an objective to equip students to become

productive, responsible adults by providing a safe, nurturing

environment of academic excellence. As the leader of the

high school, she must consider current issues such as

shrinking school budgets and rising school violence. She

should anticipate their effect on her strategic plan and

develop actions to address them before they become

problematic.



Mommy Leadership

30

Mothers, too, have a landscape over which they

perform their role. As we lead our children toward

adulthood, many factors exist that can derail our efforts.

Children are constantly bombarded with potential

influences from television, school, other children, the

Internet, printed media, other adults, and the list goes on.

The mother who is not aware of the latest trends in music,

clothes, or videos as well as who their friends are reduces

the amount of influence she has over her child. These

factors are likely counter to the values we are trying to

instill in our children. In order to raise healthy, happy,

productive children, mother's (and father's) influence must

often rival that of these other factors. Mother provides the

training and development that will allow her children to be

independent and make good decisions regardless of what

society is doing. I am sure each of us can think of active

steps we have taken to combat some of these influences. In

some cases, it requires an all out strategy to manage our

children’s development in spite of questionable outside

influences. This is no small task. As a matter of fact, it is

sometimes overwhelming. Yet, it must be done. And as

mothers, we get up every day and try to do just that. It's

really not so different than what leaders do.

Another essential part of navigating the leadership

landscape is maximizing relationships with other people

(who are not your followers). In other words, it is important

to network with other people. Many leaders are so busy

leading that they do not take the time to cultivate mutually

beneficial relationships with others. While it is imperative

to do your job well, many business decisions are made and




31

professional relationships built in other settings. Also,

leaders can gain so much information, resources, and

opportunities through networking. For this reason, the

savvy leader makes time to join professional organizations

and serve on committees. Often through a small time

investment in these groups, leaders make connections with

other leaders or individual contributors who eventually

become a part of their network. People in your network may

be able to expose you to business opportunities you wouldn’t

otherwise have access to and be an invaluable resource for

you or your team.

Whether you realize it or not, moms (including you)

often use networking to perform their leadership role more

effectively. The wise mother understands that shared ideas,

techniques, and resources can yield significant advantages

for her children and can make her job easier. Who makes up

a mother's network? Extended family members, other

mothers, teachers, child care providers, doctors, and friends

are usually the people most mothers include in their

networks. Just as with leaders, the broader the network, the

more beneficial it can be. My network became particularly

important when my husband began to travel for his job. He

normally picked up our children from school and kept them

until I got home from work. Not wanting to leave work early

too often, I needed someone to pick them up from school.

Through my network, I was able to find a solution that

didn't break my budget. This is a simple example, but

depending on the breadth of your mommy network, the

advantages can be substantial. From tips on good schools to

leads on summer jobs, the network a mom develops can be



Mommy Leadership

32

life changing for her and her children. The value of

networking for mothers is validated by the many mother-

focused organizations, magazines, and websites that exist to

foster such sharing or networking among mothers. Whether

leader or mother, it is advantageous to establish a strong

network.



33

CHAPTER TWO

Guiding Principles

ow that we have explored the parallels

between motherhood and leadership,

Mommy Leadership goes a step further by

providing a process to capitalize on the leadership skills

from motherhood. The transferable skills from motherhoodcan become important building blocks in a woman's quest to

become the best leader she can be. These are the skills you

currently use. They are already a part of you, and your

motherhood experience helped you hone them in order to

function more efficiently.

Mommy Leadership outlines four simple steps a

mother can take to use motherhood skills and experiences to

grow professionally. Step 1 is Skill Identification which

focuses on recognizing the skills and talents you already

possess. Step 2 is Skill Adaptation which focuses on

N



Mommy Leadership

34

transferring those skills and talents to leadership positions

outside the home. Step 3 is Skill Execution which focuses on

developing a plan to apply those skills and talents. The final

step is Skill Repetition which focuses on the importance of

practicing those skills.

Before getting into the steps of the Mommy

Leadership Method, there are three guiding principles

recommended for positive change:

1) Write it down.

2) Measure your progress.

3) Get feedback.

The Journaling Process

During this process of personal change, it is

important to keep a written record of your progress.

Journaling, the act of regularly writing your thoughts and

feelings in a book, is a critical process within the Mommy

Leadership Method. Documenting your journey toward

leadership is highly recommended. You will encounter so

much good information and experience along the way. With

your days being full, it is difficult to remember everything

that you learned on your journey, which makes it necessary

for you to write it down so that you can go back and reflect.

The benefits of journaling are many, but for the purposes of

the Mommy Leadership Method, journaling helps self-

development and self-discovery. The main objectives of the

journaling process are as follows:



Guiding Principles

35

o To keep a record of your action plans and progress

o To organize your thoughts and feelings

As you journal your way through the Mommy

Leadership steps, remember that this is for you and no one

else. Your boss won't be using this and it is not for your

children. Don't worry about spelling, punctuation, or

grammar. Just write.

There are three main aspects of your Mommy

Leadership experience that you need to capture in your

journal: 1) your action plan – what you want to work on, 2)

the results of your plan – what happened when you tried it,

and 3) your personal reflections – how you feel throughout

the process.

The practice of writing down your action plan is used

in all types of genres. When sports teams are deciding which

play they will use during a game, they write it down.

Business owners are strongly encouraged to write a business

plan. Potential investors often use business plans to

evaluate the viability of a business and determine whether

or not to invest. When it is on paper, it is much easier to

identify gaps or weaknesses in the plan. It is also easier to

commit the plan to memory (i.e., directions). How many

times has someone given you directions you thought you

could remember without writing them down? Many times,

this has resulted in the wrong turn being taken. The same is

true with any long-term plan upon which we embark.

If you aren't convinced yet that journaling isn't just a

glorified diary, consider this. I have tried many of the

popular weight loss programs, and one of the similarities is



Mommy Leadership

36

that they ask you to keep a journal of what you eat. This is a

part of the self discovery they want you to undergo. By

keeping track of everything you eat, you can see patterns in

your eating behaviors. In journaling your journey in

leadership, you will uncover patterns in your leadership

behavior.

Measuring Improvement

Whenever you are looking for improvement in any

area, you must have an initial starting point against which

to measure progress. Over the years, my friend and I have

tried to lose weight often at the same time with varying

degrees of success. Every first of the month, we would start

the new diet or eating plan. She was meticulous about

weighing herself at the same time each morning with no

clothes on. She wouldn't start until she did this. I, on the

other hand, would often start my new eating plan without

weighing myself. My philosophy was that as long as I stuck

to my new eating plan, I would see progress. When my

friend and I would compare notes about our progress, I

found myself frustrated that I wasn't really sure how much,

if any, progress I had made. The same applies to leadership

growth. You must assess where you are currently before

taking steps to improve. Many people simply say "I want to

become a better leader." They then begin changing abstract

behaviors or techniques they believe will help them to

improve as a leader. The better approach is to assess where

you are first before making changes.



Guiding Principles

37

It is particularly difficult to measure behavioral

characteristics like leadership. With this type of change

process, it is important to determine ahead of time what

success “looks” like. Is it defined by the results you

experience or will you define it by how you accomplish a

task, or is it a little of both? Only you can answer that

question. Before you proceed, you must answer it.

Otherwise, you may find yourself questioning whether or not

you have improved. You need to feel confident that you are

not only moving, but moving in the right direction.

Under the Mommy Leadership approach, you first

identify the leadership skills, traits, or behaviors that you

already possess and practice. Then assess whether or not

you are maximizing that same skill, trait, or behavior in the

workplace. Are you using what you've got? The importance

of maximizing an existing skill is two-fold: 1) you can make

progress toward your goal more quickly than if you start

from scratch on a skill you do not possess at all, and 2) you

are more confident about your future success, because you

have already had some success with this skill, trait, or

behavior as a mother. When you are confident that you'll be

successful, you will work harder to achieve your goals. Rate

yourself on a scale from 1 to 10 and write it down. Be sure to

use a scale of measure that works for you. A rating of 1

could mean that you never use the skill, or have no success

when you use it. A rating of 10 could mean that you use it

regularly (5 times per week) and are effective in achieving

the desired results. Remember that you are rating yourself

on your use of the skill in the workplace, and not at home.

At home, you may have much success with the skill, so what



Mommy Leadership

38

you are rating is the transference of the skill to the

workplace. Next, describe why you rated yourself as such.

Try to include concrete examples of behavior. This will help

you measure progress. Consider the example in Exhibit 2.1.

The more you understand up-front about your

leadership behaviors, the better you will be at improving

them. Also, it is important to write down information,

because there is too much to try to remember over a period

of days, weeks, and months. Exhibit 2.2 provides space for

you to practice this technique with one of your leadership

skills. The significance of this point should not be

underestimated. Anything you want to improve not only

needs a starting and ending point to compare, as well as an

evaluative scale to use for measuring progress.

Getting Feedback

Is this process working? Am I making any progress? If you

are trying to improve in any area of your life, you will ask

yourself these questions at some point. One of the most

valuable tools in a development process is constructive

feedback. Constructive feedback is communication of our

observed behavior that an evaluator shares with us in order

to help us improve. That's why it is called constructive. It is

supposed to build us up, not tear us down. Feedback should

highlight both improvement as well as areas of opportunity

to improve further.



Guiding Principles

39

Exhibit 2.1 Example of Measuring Improvement

Skill Description

I am skilled at motivating others to work toward a goal.

Self-Rating

I rate myself an 8.

Reason(s) for Rating

Frequency: I motivate others approximately 3 – 5 times per week (byher estimation).

Effectiveness: I judge my effectiveness by the number of people whoreturn to me and let me know how much I have changed their attitudetoward their goal and encouraged them to work toward it.

Behavioral Example

My coworker shared with me his desire to get promoted to the next

level of management. He was sure this was what he really wanted but

felt overwhelmed by the idea of trying to achieve this goal. I listened

carefully to his fears and concerns about the number of other

candidates and how he compared to them. I immediately shifted his

focus to what he had to offer and how well he would fit in a

management role. I encouraged him to analyze what he had to offer

and what he could do to improve. I also helped him brainstorm ways to

position himself for maximum visibility. By the end of the conversation

with me, my coworker believed in the possibility of his success and

had some action steps to bring it to fruition. I never knew whether or

not he achieved his goal. The important point here is that I helped him

get over his apprehension and motivated him to put action toward his

goal.



Mommy Leadership

40

Exhibit 2.2 Measuring Improvement – Practice Exercise

Skill Description

Self-Rating

Reason(s) for Rating

Frequency:

Effectiveness:

Behavioral Example



Guiding Principles

41

Because feedback is so important, choose your evaluator(s)

carefully. Your feedback can only be as good as the

evaluator. Make sure your evaluator is thoughtful,

perceptive, and invested in your growth. Evaluators can be a

mentor, peer, or respected team member. It is actually good

to have evaluators at different levels of your organization

give feedback to you so that you can get a well-rounded view

of your leadership growth. You can add to the diversity of

feedback by getting it from people outside of your

organization as well. For example, if you are on the board of

a nonprofit organization, find someone there to evaluate

your leadership in addition to a person from work.

Feedback helps us to see what's in our blind spot.

When you look at yourself in a mirror, there is a side of

yourself that you cannot see. Even with a three-way mirror,

you cannot see your backside as well as someone standing

behind you can. Your evaluators are the people standing

behind you telling you "Girl, don't wear those pants again!

They do not work for you!" We need another perspective to

point out things we may not have considered.

Once you get the feedback, use it! Reflect on your

evaluators' comments and compare them to your own self-

assessment. Identify the common themes and make a note of

the areas you had not noticed about yourself. Use the

feedback to make adjustments to your leadership approach.

You will find this information very useful in meeting your

leadership goals.

Knowing where you are, where you want to go, and

the steps you must take to get there are accomplished

through proactive and contemplative activities.



Mommy Leadership

42

Journaling, measuring improvement, and getting feedback

are all actions aimed at increasing and maintaining your

awareness of your progress. This process will help you

become a better leader.



PART II

The Mommy Leadership Method



45

CHAPTER THREE

Leadership and You

re leaders born or made? The answer is yes.

People are born with a tendency to be good at

certain skills. Some of those skills, talents,

and abilities are characteristics of good leadership. Your son

may have a tendency to organize all the children in his play

group to perform certain tasks. As your son grows, he will

become more of a leader if someone helps him develop his

leadership skills and provides opportunities for him to

practice leading. As we develop personally and

professionally, we each experience leadership in different

ways. That is what I like to call our leadership foundation. It

is the underlying base or support upon which you build your

competence as a leader. There are four elements that make

up our leadership foundation: 1) your personality traits,

A



Mommy Leadership

46

2) examples of leadership observed by you, 3) your

leadership experiences, and 4) any leadership training you

have had.

Your personality trait is nature’s contribution to the

leader in you. As I show in the example above, each of us

has natural abilities and any one of them can be used to

help you develop as a leader.

What we believe about leadership is greatly

influenced by the leaders we observe, whether they have had

a positive or negative impact. We may choose to pattern

ourselves after leaders who have made a good impression on

us. We also take into account those leaders that have made

a negative impression. In this case, we pledge not to make

the same mistakes as they have and therefore learn from

their mistakes.

Your leadership experience allows you to practice the

leadership skills you have gained. This is a continual

training process for leaders as they learn what works and

what doesn’t. Experience teaches you to be a better leader.

There are differing opinions about the effectiveness of

leadership training. Some believe you can only learn

leadership by leading, however leadership training can

provide useful techniques, insights, and strategies that may

or may not be discovered during the practice of leadership.

The combination of each of these four elements

determines a person's approach to leadership. How we use

these and other skills greatly influences the caliber of leader

we become.

The kind of mother you are also comes from the

combination of four similar elements. First, the personality



Leadership and You

47

traits that come naturally to you as a mother are beneficial

to the development of the leadership role you have as a

mother. Second, you also observe other mothers, maybe your

own, to learn and model good parenting skills. Next, the

experiences you have gained as a mother teach you what

works and what doesn’t. You learn from this to be a better

mother. Finally, motherhood isn't normally the subject of a

class you can enroll in; although there are parenting classes

offered that can be beneficial. They don’t, however, cover all

the issues that you will face as you practice your role of

mother. For most of us, motherhood is on-the-job training.

Throughout our motherhood experience, we face a broad

range of situations. Each mother has as many unique

experiences as we have similar experiences. We all have

developed our own special ways of surviving and thriving as

mothers. Many of us don't even realize the skills and talents

we have developed while mothering our children. Moreover,

it probably doesn't occur to most mothers that those are

valuable skills which can be used in professional leadership

roles.

Assess Your Strengths

No one is more powerful than the person who readily

knows what she is good at and regularly practices

capitalizing on it. Do you know your strengths well enough

to make the best use of them? If someone asked you the

question "What are your strengths?” would you be able to

answer right away? Unless a person is preparing for a job

interview, this question is often met with silence or



Mommy Leadership

48

“Um…let me get back to you on that.” So many of us cannot

readily articulate what it is that we do well. The reason it is

important to be able to answer that question in a job

interview is the same reason we need to be able to answer it

right now. In an interview, the answer to the question tells

the interviewer what you can contribute to the organization

you are trying to join. Before you can become the most

effective leader possible, you have to know what you can

contribute. Each one of us needs to recognize how critical it

is to know what we, as individuals, do well and what we

need to improve.

Play to your strengths. It is advice that I've been

given more than once. The statement “play to your

strengths” means to use your strengths as much as possible

to accomplish any objective. Politicians do it all the time.

When asked a question, they always find a way to highlight

the same positive attribute or attributes about their

background. No matter what the question is, it always

comes back to the same attribute. We can learn something

from those politicians, many of whom have won political

races by focusing our attention on their one or two positive

attributes. Before you can play to your strengths, you first

need to determine what your strengths are.

A good test to ensure you have spent sufficient time

understanding your strengths is to be able to articulate

them in 30 seconds or less. Practice naming your strengths

to yourself as you look in the mirror. It may seem silly at

first, but there is something about watching yourself as you

say those positive words to yourself out loud. Think of it as

your 30-second leadership commercial that tells what you,



Leadership and You

49

the leader, can offer professionally. You should know

yourself so well that you could capture your leadership

strengths in 30 seconds or less. Invest the time in knowing

yourself. You are worth it and you will be a better leader for

it.

So what about those things you aren't so good at? As

a leader, it is important to be aware of both your strengths

and weaknesses. This self-knowledge goes a long way

toward helping you understand and manage yourself while

working to achieve your objectives. You know situations in

which you are more apt to excel and those you are likely not

to perform well. Performance assessments in the workplace

often refer to weaknesses as areas of opportunity. These

areas of opportunity are supposed to be the focus of each

employee's development efforts. The Mommy Leadership

Method, on the other hand, encourages you to focus your

energy on further development of the skills and talents you

already possess. Your strengths are the true area of

opportunity. The idea is to do more of what you already do

well. In Tom Rath's book, StrengthsFinder 2.0 , he explains

the benefit of maximizing your strengths versus expending

your extra energy trying to overcome your shortcomings. He

references Gallup research to show that people who focus on

their strengths are generally more successful. Consider, for

example, someone who has a natural talent for math and

struggles with writing. That person could certainly become

a successful author through training and hard work, but she

would more likely excel in some role that involves the

frequent use of math like engineering or accounting. If you

are naturally charismatic, reflect on where and how you can



Mommy Leadership

50

deliberately use it to your advantage. Allow that attribute

to shine through in each of your leadership roles.

Take note of your weaknesses, and do not allow them

to be a hindrance; but use your strengths as areas of

opportunity. Focus on your strengths!

Match Your Talents

The first step of the Mommy Leadership Method is to

identify your special skills and talents that can be applied to

leadership. It is important not to get hung up on

conventional names for leadership skills such as strategic

thinking. At first glance, it might be difficult to see how your

motherhood experience can translate you into a better

leader. Take a step back and look at what you do and how

you do it.

Answer the following questions:

How do you…

o Resolve conflicts between family members?

o Solve complex problems?

o Work with teams?

o Handle crises situations?

o Manage projects?

o Assess and develop the talents of others?

These are all responsibilities of leaders, and many mothers

practice them all the time.

It is often not easy for us to recognize our own

strengths. That is why this is a difficult step in the process. I



Leadership and You

51

personally struggled with this myself. I only think of my

strengths when I am getting ready for a job interview or a

performance review.

If you draw a blank when identifying your leadership

skills, think about a difficult situation you encountered and

how you resolved it. What did you do? The "systems" you

have developed to accomplish things is so second nature to

you that you may not even recognize it as a strength or skill.

Another source of ideas is comments and

compliments you receive about your methods (how you get

things done). Your husband might say, "I don't know how

you do it, honey, but you always….." Your girlfriend might

ask you "How do you do it? You make ____ look so easy."

Often others can see our strengths and talents better than

we can.

If you are still having difficulty, Exhibit 3.1 lists

some common leadership skills to give you some ideas to

consider.

EXHIBIT 3.1 List of Leadership Skills and AttributesCommunicating Effectively Decision Making

Building Technical Competence Setting Goals

Building Effective Relationships Delegating

Assessing Performance Managing Conflict

Providing Constructive Feedback Negotiating

Managing Human Resources Problem Solving

Modeling Desired Behaviors Strategic Thinking

Building Teams Reframing

Developing Others Creative/Innovative

Thinking



Mommy Leadership

52

Empowering Others Managing Financial

Resources

Teaching and Training Emotional Intelligence

Coaching Change Agent

Perseverance Visionary

Ethical Behavior Credibility

This is a difficult step in the process because you often don't

recognize your own strengths.

Own Your Leadership

What does it mean to "own your leadership"? It

means to take control of your leadership experience. You can

do that in two ways. First, take responsibility for your

leadership development. Second, determine where you will

lead and what kind of leader you will be.

Reading this book is the first step in taking

responsibility for your development. Throughout my career,

I have been reminded by various supervisors that no one is

more responsible for my career progression than I am. "It's

your career," they said. "You have to take responsibility for

what happens to it." During those career discussions, they

would ask me what job position I wanted next and what

management level I aspired to in the future. I always

dreaded those questions because I had not done the personal

work to know what I really wanted to do and how I planned

to get there. I could readily tell them what I didn't want to

do, but that is where my career insight stopped. After

having my children, boredom and complacency began to take



Leadership and You

53

hold in my career, and I wasn't really moving up in my

company. I knew it was time I figured out what I wanted to

be when I “grew up.” For me, it took a year or two to really

find my direction professionally, but I hope that you will find

yours more quickly, if you don't already know. If you are like

me, you may need to spend some time pondering the

following questions:

• What do I enjoy doing?

• What would I like to do for the rest of my life?

• How can I add value?

• What do I aspire to change?

• What is my passion (besides my children)?

These questions are a good starting point as you think about

where your professional life is headed. What does all of this

have to do with you becoming a better leader? If your

leadership contribution is focused on your passion, then you

are more likely to have long-term career success and

satisfaction.

I recognize that the thought of adding something else

like self-development to your plate as a working mom seems

irresponsible and thoughtless. You are already struggling to

contain all of the responsibilities you currently manage –

your children, your job, your marriage, your church work,

your volunteer activities, etc. How can you think of doing

something else, especially something else for yourself?

Believe it or not, it is perfectly okay to do something for

yourself and this something will help you be better and

likely happier.



Mommy Leadership

54

Admittedly, improving anything takes time and

energy, as it will in this case. Since you don't have much of

either, be very deliberate with your time and make sure that

the proportion you spend on various activities aligns with

your priorities. Clearly your children are a top priority, so

you will spend as much time as you can with them. On the

other hand, that favorite crime drama it seems you can't live

without could provide an extra hour of productive time for

you. It should be pointed out that the biggest time

commitment of Mommy Leadership is time for you to think

about yourself and strategize for your future. Carve out 15

minutes a day everyday to think about YOU. It could be

while you are driving to work, at your desk on your lunch

break, or in the gym on the treadmill. It will be time well

spent.

It is commendable to work on becoming a better

leader, but if no one is following you, it doesn't do anyone

much good. Who will you lead? Who will you influence in

addition to your children? Again, this is a question that only

you can answer, and you will be more prepared to answer

this question once you have done the personal pre-work

mentioned above. Will your passion direct you to lead in

your community, corporate, entrepreneurship, ministry, or

politics? Any one of these arenas could benefit from more

leadership expertise and commitment. You could be the

leadership benefit they need. Consider the possibilities.



55

CHAPTER FOUR

Skill Identification (Recognize It)

ision can be a funny thing. Sometimes we see

only what we expect to see. You could see

someone you know from one venue in a

different venue and not recognize that person. For example,

a casual acquaintance you know only from the gym may

visit your church one Sunday morning. You look directly at

her but do not recognize her because you never see her

anywhere but at the gym and she is dressed completely

different than how you are used to seeing her. You've never

seen her all dressed up with her hair neatly styled. For all

you know, her wardrobe only consists of oversized T-shirts,

torn sweatpants, and wringing wet hair pulled back in a

ponytail. The abilities you practice in motherhood are much

V



Mommy Leadership

56

like your acquaintance from the gym. You do not recognize

them as leadership because they are used in a different

venue (home) and they are "dressed" differently

(motherhood role). Just because you develop a skill in your

role as a mother does not mean it can't be used for

leadership in a different role.

Skill Identification is the first step in the Mommy

Leadership Method. It is important that you recognize the

leadership skills, attributes, and talents you already

possess. If you don't realize you posses a skill, you may miss

not-so-obvious opportunities to put it to use. The following

pages describe several identifiable leadership skills you may

find you practice everyday. Review each of the skills and

reflect on your experience with that skill. Picture how you

might transfer that skill into a professional environment.

Managing Conflict

In many cases, managing conflict is like walking a

tightrope, particularly when it involves two people that you

love. Not long ago, I spoke to an acquaintance who told me

about the constant war between her husband and her

sixteen-year-old daughter. She would arrive home after

work wondering what she would face when she opened the

door. Who would be yelling at whom? What ugly words

would be flying back and forth? The unending bickering was

beginning to escalate, and she feared it would end up

permanently damaging the loving relationships she had

worked so hard to build in her home. It was clearly time to

intervene. Her greatest challenge was to avoid alienating



Skill Identification

57

her daughter by taking her husband's side and at the same

time avoid undermining her husband's authority as a

parent. She began attacking the conflict with short-term and

long-term actions. Whenever she witnessed an altercation

brewing, she immediately shut it down. Next, she listened

intently to the concerns of both her husband and her

daughter. She also closely watched their communication

with each other during arguments as well as times of peace.

Once she had gathered sufficient insight into the conflict,

she began working on her longer term solution of

relationship building between her husband and her

daughter.

As she explained the drama she was living with

daily, I couldn't help but think about the parallel with her

role as a leader in the workplace. Consider her husband as a

manager of the same management level in another

department or function. Consider her daughter as one of her

employees. The peer level manager and her employee are in

a conflict. Her challenge in this situation is to avoid

alienating her peer manager, but at the same time

protecting and supporting her employee. The process and

skills she used to deal with the conflict in her home are

certainly applicable here.

Creativity/Innovation

A leader with limited creativity may find it difficult

to solve complex problems, manage limited resources and

create vision that inspires others. Creative leaders take

people to places no one has even thought of. They also



Mommy Leadership

58

inspire creativity and innovation in those they lead. I've

never considered myself as the creative type; however, I

found that there is nothing like motherhood to inspire

creativity. One of my favorite personal examples was my

son's first role in a school program. He had to dress like an

ancient king and recite a monologue about his character. I

had never heard of this king and knew nothing about him.

So, I went to the Internet to find out what he looked like. It

was two days before the program and I had to come up with

a king costume. I went to the fabric store and bought a long

piece of fabric that looked rich, yet ancient. I also bought a

Styrofoam ball and some gold glitter glue. I stuck the

Styrofoam ball on a smooth rod that we had at home. I put

the gold glitter glue on the Styrofoam ball to make it look

like a gold ball. That rod and Styrofoam ball became his

scepter. He still needed a crown and I hadn't been able to

find one for him, so I stopped at the local Burger King® and

asked for two of their gold cardboard Burger King® crowns.

I stapled the two crowns together to make the crown sturdy

and used the gold glitter glue to cover the words "Burger

King®."

On program night, I draped the fabric around him,

placed the crown on his head, put an old gold necklace

around his neck and handed him the rod with the Styrofoam

ball. He was hailed as one of the best dressed there. The

important thing here is not that I created a cute costume for

my son, but the process that I went through to come up with

the solution to my problem. I remind myself of this story

when I am faced with an unconventional problem in the

workplace.




59

Perseverance

Perseverance isn't often listed as a leadership skill or

behavior, but it can certainly determine the long-term

effectiveness of a leader. Any objective worth achieving will

have obstacles and challenges to overcome. It is up to the

leader to believe in her vision and stand up against the odds.

Nothing of great value comes easily. The leader's

perseverance in the face of difficulty is what encourages her

followers to press forward.

The journey through motherhood is flanked with

challenges, obstacles, and hurdles. A good mother never

gives up on her quest to turn her babies into adults of whom

she is proud. For some mothers, that is more of a challenge

than others.

A mom I know adopted a young girl with her

husband. As her daughter grew, it became increasingly

apparent that her daughter was struggling in school and

falling further and further behind. The mom spent

significant amounts of time after work helping her daughter

with homework. When she realized that wasn't enough, she

hired a private tutor. When there was still no improvement,

she had her daughter tested by a professional. The

professional gave her the discouraging news she had feared

about her daughter. She had a learning disability that

impeded her ability to learn.

Despite what she had been told, the mom was

determined that her daughter would one day go to college.

Throughout her daughter's high school years, the mom

worked tirelessly using tutors and other resources to make

sure her daughter learned what she needed to graduate



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60

from high school. Every new grade level brought the

challenge of new concepts for her daughter to master.

Despite those challenges and setbacks over several years of

school, the mom continued to make the time, energy, and

financial commitment. The mom never gave up until her

daughter walked across the stage to receive her high school

diploma. Perseverance is how moms help their children

achieve their goals in the face of all the obstacles, challenges

and hurdles that life throws at them. Perseverance is also

how leaders help their followers achieve goals in an often

difficult and complicated world.

Delegating

Delegating is considered an advanced leadership skill

that many less experienced leaders have difficulty using.

This skill is important to effective leadership for a couple of

reasons. First, it allows the leader more time to do other

tasks. If nothing else, the leader needs to spend more time

strategizing for her organization. Many a leader have

experienced burnout because they tried to do it all

themselves. The second reason delegating is important is

that it allows others to learn and gain valuable experience.

Running the household successfully requires a lot of

time and effort. Mommy cannot do it all by herself, nor

should she. In your regular house cleaning routine, you

delegate tasks to each of your children based on their ages

and abilities. Each child is given instructions for successful

completion and expected frequency. You may have regular

checkpoints and evaluation of each person's performance.




61

Together the members of your household successfully run

the house. Delegating responsibility is a key skill for

leaders, and you've probably practiced it a time or two as a

mother.

Delegating is particularly important for those who

have a lot of responsibility and limited time. During one of

my first supervisory experiences, I began learning the

importance of delegating. One of the men that I supervised

was a lot older than I and apparently believed that he was a

lot smarter. Every time I gave him an assignment, he subtly

questioned the merit of what I asked him to do and how I

asked him to do it. It got to the point that I decided to

simply do the work myself instead of wasting time having a

debate with him. By doing the work myself, I allowed him to

undermine my authority as a leader and he missed an

opportunity to learn something new. Worse yet, I wasn't

able to use my time effectively for the company. It reminded

me of the many times I have cleaned my children's rooms

instead of going through the hassle of making them do it. I

finally got a clue. My children needed to clean their own

rooms, and my employee needed to do the work I assigned.

Teaching and Training Others

Great leaders realize that their followers are the

future of the organization that they lead. By teaching and

training followers, the leader raises the competence of the

overall organization. This important skill takes patience and

an ability to communicate concepts simply so that others can

understand.



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Mothers are their children's most important teachers.

Children have to be taught or trained in every area of life.

Even though children are educated in school, mothers teach

their children everything from toilet training to making

friends. Think of all the things you've taught your children

including tasks, skills, behaviors, ethics, and habits.

Mothers that have a special knack for teaching and training

can use that skill in their leadership role.

Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence has been hailed as a skill that

sets great leaders apart from good leaders. According to

Daniel Goleman, emotional intelligence is the ability to

motivate one's self, manage the emotions of, and empathize

with the feelings of others. Since so much of leadership is

about developing relationships, emotional intelligence is a

powerful tool in the quest to be a better leader.

Managing our emotions and the emotions of others is

a regular requirement of motherhood. I recall a recent

situation with my seven-year old son when I was helping

him with math homework. He wasn't getting it and didn't

seem to be trying. I had been having a stressful time at work

and had little patience. After what seemed like hours of

math homework (actually it was only 15 minutes), I lost my

temper and yelled at him repeatedly for his lack of effort and

explained what happens to children who don't learn math.

Then I sent him to bed. The next morning I asked him "Did

you think about what we discussed last night?" He looked at

me with a blank but sincere expression and said "What are




63

you talking about?" I instantly realized that all my ranting

and raving was totally ineffective. After some reflection, I

realized that I was ineffective because I allowed my

emotions to determine how I handled the situation.

Change Agent

A true leader must not only manage change, but also

drive change. Change is a natural part of the growth process

for any group or organization. Leaders use change to solve

organizational problems and improve the organization. Once

the leader identifies a need for change, she must

persuasively communicate the need to her followers, teach

the new process or action, and drive implementation of the

change.

Many mothers are change agents in their homes.

Most of them probably don't realize how much of a change

agent they are within their family units. Mom identifies the

need for change, determines what needs to be changed, and

works with the family to implement the required change.

Consider this example. A mother notices that her family,

children and parents included, seem to be gaining weight.

Concerned about her family's long-term health, she begins

making changes in their lifestyle such as replacing TV time

with outside activities, buying fruit instead of sweet snacks,

and using water to quench her family's thirst. Her family

resists the changes and complains at every turn. Soon,

however, her husband and children begin making healthier

choices outside of the home on their own. As in this example



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64

and many others, moms can drive change that lasts a

lifetime.

Visionary

A leader absolutely must have vision. Vision is what

leaders encourage followers to strive toward. It is a clearly

articulated idea of what she wants to accomplish. It also

includes the why and the how. Through her vision, a leader

can see what her group or organization can become or

achieve.

Most mothers have a vision for their children. Good

mothers spend a major part of their lives helping their

children see past today to what tomorrow can be. Insightful

mothers have the ability to see past the present despite the

current state of affairs. This type of mother can look at a

troubled teen today and see a doctor or lawyer 15 years from

now. Consistently, these mothers articulate the goal to their

children and work through the "how" step by step. We've all

heard the stories of great individuals who were able to

overcome significant challenges to achieve great things.

Many of them credit their mothers who were able to see

more in them and fought to help them achieve their goals.

Problem Solving

Leaders have to solve problems. I heard President

Barak Obama say to a reporter that by the time a problem

gets to his desk, it is a tough problem. He went on to say

that if the problem were easy, someone would have solved it




65

before it got to him. That is the plight of leaders. They must

grapple with challenging situations that no one else has

been able to resolve. With her total organization in mind,

the leader gains an understanding of the situation, develops

several potential solutions, and determines the best course

of action.

How often do children look to Mommy to solve all of

their problems? When children are young, the problems are

usually pretty easy to solve. As they age, however, the

problems become more and more complex. The Mommy (and

Daddy) is always supposed to know what to do in every

situation. We usually have answers to most of the questions

our children look to us to answer.

Framing

Framing is an important skill for leaders. Highly

influential leaders are able to frame a situation, problem, or

circumstance for followers so that they see it in a different

way. The leader frames by carefully choosing words to

highlight certain aspects of the situation while excluding

others aspects. When the followers see the situation as the

leader frames it, they are more likely to believe in the

leader's vision. The followers' belief translates into action.

Whether you realize it or not, many mothers use

framing to encourage their children to follow a certain path.

A simple example is the mother who convinces her young

love-struck daughter to put off marriage until she gets her

college education. She explains to her daughter how she will

be more prepared to immediately contribute to the



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66

household financially and help her husband if she has an

education. She further explains to her daughter that when

the children come, she will be able to give her children more.

Had the mother simply told her daughter to wait because

she was too young, she would likely have not been successful

in convincing her daughter to wait. The mother framed the

situation in a way that showed her daughter how having an

education could make her marriage better.

Modeling Behavior

The most critical leadership role a mother and a

leader play is that of an example. Probably the most

common way we lead is by example. Whether we like it or

not, children look to us to see how to behave. From our best

moments to our very worst ones, our children are

consciously or subconsciously watching what we do and how

we behave. It seems like common sense, but I really saw the

application of this with my three-year-old daughter. She

loves to eat and I don't want her to struggle with her weight

as I have done over the years. I don't particularly like to

exercise, but I know that she looks to me to see what she

should do. She needs to see me taking care of myself so she

will take care of herself when she is older. It warms my

heart to see her join me when I do an aerobics tape. I know

that I am helping her develop a habit that will serve her

well for the rest of her life.

It is amazing how a leader's behavior can affect the

culture of the group or organization she leads. In leadership

studies, it has been found that leaders who have an




67

appealing behavior that encourages the follower rather than

a directive behavior will gain higher performance from their

followers. The followers want to perform beyond what is

expected of them because of the relationship they have with

the leader and the trust they have in the leader. These

followers not only achieve higher performance, but also have

greater satisfaction in their job. The perception of their role

is enhanced and greater job satisfaction is experienced.

However, if the leader’s behavior is questionable or non-

appealing and relating with the followers is troublesome,

then the behavior of the followers will result in lower

productivity and job dissatisfaction.

Multi-Tasking

Both leadership and motherhood often require more

time than we have. The art of multi-tasking is how we get so

many things done in so little time. The many demands on

most leaders make multi-tasking an invaluable skill to have.

Leaders have to juggle management responsibilities and

people responsibilities while looking to the future of the

organization. All of the demands of leadership can become

overwhelming. Multi-tasking can help increase our

productivity level when it is used appropriately. When

people think of multi-tasking, they envision someone doing

two or more things at once. An example is the mother who

helps her children with homework while cooking dinner and

washing a load of clothes all at the same time. In the office

employees regularly participate in audio meetings while

doing computer work. This type of multi-tasking certainly



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68

has its place, but there is another more advanced dimension

of multi-tasking which involves accomplishing mother than

one objective with a single action. For instance, a mom

requires her teenage son to work a summer job. By having

him work the summer job, she accomplishes the following

objectives:

1. Provide experience of going to a job everyday to

increase responsibility level.

2. Teach the value of money.

3. Bring in extra money to help with school year

expenses.

4. Provide exposure to the operation of a business in

support of son's career goals.

5. Limit the amount of free time for son to get into idle

mischief.

Think about the multi-tasking techniques you use to

manage the many responsibilities of motherhood. There is

no reason that the same techniques cannot be altered to

help you accomplish your professional leadership objectives.

Developing People

It is a leader's responsibility to develop those she

leads. Followers come to a leader at varying levels of

development – professionally, personally and emotionally.

The organization's sustainability and growth are directly

correlated with the effective development of its people.

Developing people is equal to developing the organization

you lead. I would venture to say that developing people is

the legacy that you leave as a mother. There are several




69

reasons why I say this. It is our children who will shape

tomorrow's society. How successfully we develop our

children greatly determines their contribution to the

world…good, bad, or indifferent. Our children are the

decision makers and problem solvers of the future. When

our children are born, they are a wealth of possibilities.

They are also raw talent. As a Mommy Leader, you need to

use this critical leadership skill in the workplace as you do

in motherhood. Motivate, inspire, teach, coach and mentor

those who follow you with the same skill you employ in

motherhood. The development of people is a hallmark of

leadership because effective leadership perpetuates itself.

I remember commenting to a friend of mine that her

daughters were involved in a lot of different activities. Her

daughter, Sandra, was currently in track and on the debate

team. I also recall her daughter taking music lessons and

more. My friend explained to me her very strategic plan for

her daughter. Her main objective was to expose her

daughter to as many different experiences as possible so

that she could develop various skills. She went on to tell me

that every school year, her daughter could pick one sport

and something else. She encouraged her daughter to choose

some things she thought would be fun as well as some

things that would help her in her weak areas. Of course, the

sports helped her develop athletically, but also as a team

player, increased her confidence and helped her to stay fit.

The debate team helped her develop her confidence as a

public speaker. She also babysits and learns responsibility

while earning her own money.



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70

Effective leaders do this all the time with their

people. They work to expose each person to various job

assignments while achieving the organization's goals. These

leaders use these experiences to develop leadership,

business acumen, and teamwork.

Let's be clear. No mother is great at all of these

things. No leader is great at all of these things either. The

objective is to assess one's abilities honestly and

productively. In the space provided below, take a moment to

list the leadership skills you believe you possess.




71

Mommy Leadership Exercise: Your Leadership Skills List

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.



73

CHAPTER FIVE

Skill Adaptation (Transfer It)

hroughout my 20-year career, I have heard

people talk about using transferable skills toconvince prospective employers that they are

qualified to do a job they have never done. Consider the

example of an Executive Assistant who applies for a job as a

Project Manager. When the interviewer asks what

experience she has as a Project Manager, she responds that

in her current position she manages many projects for the

CEO while doing her own work. She further explains that

she also works with the Finance Manager to make sure the

projects stay within budget. In other words, she explains to

the interviewer that she functioned as a project manager

T



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without having the title. This is the beauty of transferable

skills. They not only provide confirmation of your skill to the

potential employer but also to you. Since you have

performed the task in one setting, you are more confident

you can do it in another.

Our transferable skills prevent us from being pigeon-

holed into one job or position and allow us to transform

ourselves as we grow both professionally and personally.

The concept of transferable skills is simple. As in the

example above, a transferable skill is a skill normally used

in one setting that has been applied in another. It doesn't

matter what the skill is. What matters is that the skill can

be valuable in another setting. The individual with the skill

must recognize that value and believe it can be used in the

other setting. Why is it important for the individual to

believe it can be applied elsewhere? If the individual does

not see the connection, she won't be able to make the

connection and apply the skill in the new setting.

When transferring a skill to another situation, it is

important to adapt the skill to the new setting so it does not

lose its effectiveness. Through the Mommy Leadership

Method, leadership skills from the motherhood experience

are adapted for application in the workplace or other

leadership roles. Adapt means "to make fit (as for a specific

or new use or situation)." It implies a modification based on

changing circumstances. Think of a movie that is adapted

for television. Although the movie was originally made for

the big screen, someone makes the decision to show it on

television. In order to do so, the picture format has to be

changed to fit television screens. That is why you see the



Skill Adaptation

75

black bands at the top and bottom of the screen. Then

commercial breaks are inserted, and depending on the

movie, the language is cleaned up or certain scenes deleted.

These are some of the modifications made to adapt a movie

for television, yet the story is the same. The characters are

the same and the storyline is the same.

The Adaptation Process

So how do you adapt or modify a skill? What things

will change from home to work? First of all, at home you are

dealing with children and at work you are dealing with

adults. That will likely require a shift in your approach. For

example, you likely wouldn’t talk to adults as you do

children. In fact if you did, your employee may become

offended at being talked to in a condescending manner. In

some cases, dealing with adults at work may be easier; in

other cases, more difficult. Also, the project is likely

different, and the objective may be more complex.

Regardless of these differences, answering the questions in

each of the following steps will guide you through the

process of identifying and adapting your skill to be used in

professional leadership.



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Five-Stage Adaptation Process

Stage 1 – Prioritize one skill you have identified in step 1 (Skill Identification)that you want to use at work or in your business.

Stage 2 – Visualize how it could be used successfully in your workplace.Choose a common situation that might happen at work. (This is where yourcreativity is required. Success hinges on this stage. If you can't see it, it won'twork.) If you can't visualize using this skill at work, choose another.

Stage 3 – How will using this skill at work improve things? Will the work bedone more efficiently? Will people work together better? What otherimprovements might you see?

Stage 4 – What specific actions must you take to use the skill at work? Howis it different from how you normally do things? List at least three actions.

Stage 5 – What obstacles might you face when trying to use the skill at

work? Your own fear? Co-workers' attitudes? Other external factors? List

them and jot down how you can overcome them.

The adaptation process is really quite

straightforward. It only requires thought, creativity,

planning, and maybe a little help from this book. The list

provided in the previous chapter should be a good starting

point, but don't limit yourself to these.

In order to adapt a skill, you have to plan it. Some

thought must take place. Your action plan is simply a well

thought out scenario of how a specific skill or trait can be

used at work. You know you do. The critical question is how



Skill Adaptation

77

do you do it? Remember that this process is supposed to be

natural and gradual, not stressful. Tackle only one skill at a

time so that you don't get overwhelmed. Exhibit 5.1

provides an example of an adaptation action plan.

This action plan format is brief, simple, and practical.

How you lay out your plan is not important; only that you

write it down. While I realize that time is limited, this

process requires that you invest thought and planning. It

will not work in the absence of either of these. Throughout

the adaptation process, remember to be flexible. As a

mother, you should be quite comfortable being flexible.

Motherhood tends to require it.

In stage 2 of the example, the Mommy Leader

identifies the specific parallel between her mother role and

her professional leadership role. This is a fundamental

element in adapting your mommy skill – recognizing this

parallel. Stage 3 helps you to understand the significance of

adapting this skill to those you lead professionally. What

sense does it make to adapt a skill that does not move your

organization forward? This answer is – it doesn't! Stage 4

is "where the rubber meets the road." It is here that you lay

out your strategic actions steps. Your careful thought,

planning, and creativity allow you to pinpoint specific

actions to transfer your skill to the workplace. In this stage,

the conceptualization of Mommy Leadership becomes real.

Finally, in stage 5, like any good leader, you anticipate

potential obstacles before they happen and plan how you

will overcome them. You don't have to think of all the

possibilities, only the most likely ones. If you think through

these potential issues in advance, you will be more in control



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Exhibit 5.1 Sample Adaptation Plan

Stage 1 – Skill to adapt?

The ability to develop others

Stage 2 – How to use at work or in my business?

The five individuals I supervise are a mix of new and

experienced employees. As a conscientious leader in myorganization, I recognize my responsibility to not onlysupervise my people, but also to develop them. Just as Irecognize the diverse strengths, weaknesses, anddevelopmental levels of my children, I also recognize thosethings in my employees. Each one of my employees hasunique needs, interests, and goals. I work with each personto facilitate their growth and the fulfillment of theirprofessional goals.

Stage 3 – How will it improve my workplace/business?

By improving the competence of individual team members,I improve the competence of the organization. Well-trainedand developed employees are able to do their jobs moreefficiently and effectively. They can also provide innovativeideas to improve the organization and are likely to be moresatisfied in their jobs.



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Stage 4 – Actions that I can take?

1. Understand each employee's professional interestsand goals through effective listening.

2. Assess each employee's strengths and opportunitiesfor improvement.

3. Determine developmental needs based on employee'sinterests and goals in the context of the organization.

4. Identify and implement appropriate developmentactions based on the organization's resources.

Stage 5 – Potential obstacles and how to overcome them?

1. The resources needed to develop my people are notreadily available to me. Budgets for training classesare usually the first thing to get cut when anorganization needs to save money. Time is the otherresource that is often in short supply. Allowingemployees time away from their jobs to get trainingrequires some level of lost productivity. Organizationsare sometimes not willing to make that sacrifice.

• I can overcome this through creativity (i.e., using

cross-functional assignments, shadowing moreexperienced employees, leading non-criticalprojects, using professional videos, books, etc.)

2. The employee I am trying to develop may not want tobe developed for various reasons. Everyone is notinterested in improving professionally.

• I may overcome this by making the decision toconcentrate my efforts on someone who wants myhelp or by trying to motivate this person to aspireto something greater.



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Stage 1 – Skill to adapt?

Stage 2 – How to use at work or in my business?

Stage 3 – How will it improve my workplace or business?



Skill Adaptation

81

Stage 4 – Actions that I can take?

1.

2.

3.

Stage 5 – Potential obstacles and how to overcome them?

1.

2.



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of how you react to them. Better yet, you may be able to

prevent one or two of the issues from ever becoming an

obstacle by being proactive.

Take a few moments to develop your own adaptation

plan for a leadership skill you use in motherhood. The five

stages outlined above will guide you through the thought

process as you brainstorm and strategize. Once you

complete your plan, revisit and revise it as often as

necessary to accommodate changes in you and your

environment.



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CHAPTER SIX

Skill Execution (Do It)

othing beats a great plan, except a great

plan that is well executed. Planning is

important, but execution is critical especially

when you are in leadership. In the previous Mommy

Leadership step, you created an action plan to adapt a skill

or trait from motherhood to the workplace. This is the step

in which you put that action plan into action. Recognize that

you are the person who is ultimately responsible for your

own professional growth and development. In many

companies, it is often only the senior most formal leaders or

"high potential" employees that receive leadership training

and coaching. If you are one of those leaders, that is great.

Take advantage of it. If you are not, take responsibility for

your leadership development into your own hands and DO

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something to make it happen. You took the first step by

reading this book; but if you are to improve, develop, and

grow, it has to go farther than simply reading a leadership

book.

So as a leader, once you have an executable plan, it is

time to go for it! It is time to execute. Don't make excuses.

Don't procrastinate. Don't expect someone else to do it. As I

began to write this chapter, I thought about the word

"execution" and what it actually means. One definition says

execution means a carrying into effect or to completion. A

great way for us to think about execution is in terms of

sports. I do not know a lot about sports, but I have seen

many coaches draw plays on a board and walk the team

through it. Once the team sees it laid out visually, they go

out on the field and do it. The players execute the play (or

plan). You must focus on executing your plan. The best

players do not allow other people to distract them. They

focus on executing the play no matter what is going on

around them.

Although Mommy Leadership is a simple concept, it

is not always easily executed. Of course, things don't always

work out the way we plan them. Sometimes during an

actual basketball game, the play has to be slightly revised

based on the other team's actions. The same will be the case

as you execute your leadership action plan. Things will

happen that you did not anticipate. People will behave

differently than you expected. This is where flexibility is

critical. Flexibility is a matter of survival for mothers. The

experienced mother will tell you that flexibility is possible

when you are prepared for most anything. You've made the



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85

plan, so prepare for the possibilities. Some people may even

resist the stronger leader they see in you. Don't get

discouraged. Keep doing what you're doing.

Here are a couple of recommendations to help you

prepare to execute.

o See it.

o See yourself using your mommy leader skill.

Play the movie in your head. You are the main

character.

o Say it.

o Speak the words. Verbalize what you will do

and what will happen when you do it.

o Do it.

o Replace the words with action.

So why do you have to DO something?

Mommy Leadership’s focus is on leadership growth.

If you do the basics, growth will happen. A child that is

given food, shelter, and medical care will grow. However, if

you want the child to thrive, you must provide educational,

social, and spiritual guidance. The same is the case with

your leadership growth. You want to thrive as a leader, so

you have to execute your Mommy Leadership action plan.

You want to drive as a leader. The plan looks great on

paper, but it will look even better on you.

I have found that execution is often slowed or

prevented by fear. We are too afraid to do one thing or

another. Fear is the enemy of execution. I have never heard

anyone say, "I'm afraid to plan this or that." On the other



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hand, I can't tell you how many times I've heard or even

said, "I'm afraid to do this or that." Fear doesn't keep us

from planning. It keeps us from doing. It sabotages our

belief in ourselves and steals our opportunities.

Fear is especially powerful against us when we keep

it hidden. We are often ashamed to admit that we are afraid

and become paralyzed into inaction. Many times our fears

are irrational, but sometimes our fears have merit. A dear

friend of mine helped me to face my fears about some of my

professional pursuits. She asked me to verbalize what I was

afraid of. Then she asked me what would happen if what I

feared actually happened. I thought about it and played the

scenario out in my mind. Once I really thought it through, it

didn't seem quite so frightening. On the other hand, some of

our fears are very real. In those cases where the situation

could cause you serious consequences, prepare for that

situation. Preparing for the worst helps to mitigate the

negative consequences and reduce your fear.

What if it doesn’t work out? The fear of failure is a

stumbling block as mentioned above, but failure can actually

be a benefit. You learn so much from failure that you won’t

easily forget. You gain a new respect for learning. You

become more open to advice and direction…even criticism.

You learn about the gifts that you have deep down such as

stamina and discipline. Failure usually makes a person

stronger rather than weaker. So if it happens, don’t go into

hiding. Pick up the pieces and go on.

Now is your call to action! You've been given the

message. You have the tools. It is time to take responsibility

for improving your leadership ability. Why not start doing



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so by using a key experience…motherhood? Once you finish

this step, you can say, "Yes, I did it! I executed my plan!"

But not so fast. Don't put that transferred skill into your

leadership bag just yet.

What is a leadership bag? Sometimes referred to as a

leadership toolbox, a leadership bag is the collection of

leadership skills, talents, attributes, and behaviors a woman

possesses and can access at will. It is your leadership skill

set. I like to think set of my skill set as a bag versus a

toolbox because it is more meaningful to me as a woman.

While I do have a toolbox in my home, I never leave home

without some type of bag (i.e. purse, diaper bag, briefcase,

cosmetic bag, or multi-purpose bag). These bags represent

the collection of essential items I take with me (and use)

when I go out into the world.

The leadership bag is a lot like those other bags you

carry. It holds the essentials you use to perform your

leadership responsibilities. Depending on the situation you

face, you pull the appropriate skill from your repertoire to

get the job done. If you do not have the appropriate skills in

your bag, you will likely not be prepared to handle certain

leadership situations successfully. If a situation calls for

conflict resolution and you do not know how to effectively

resolve conflicts, then you will not be able to lead your team

through that circumstance. In other words, conflict

resolution was not among the tools in your bag, therefore

you could not pull it out and use it at will. For this reason,

it is important to stock your bag with as many valuable

leadership skills as possible. That is where The Mommy

Leadership Method can help. It can provide a way to add



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skills and experiences from motherhood to our leadership

bag.

It is imperative for you to regularly take those tools

out of your leadership bag and practice them in the

workplace just like you do in your mommy role in order to

make them second nature. That will "make it stick."



89

CHAPTER SEVEN

Skill Repetition (Make It Stick)

ractice makes perfect as the old saying goes. It

is no great revelation that doing something

once or twice is not enough to master it.Transferring a Mommy Leadership skill is no different.

Once you have successfully applied that skill to a workplace

situation, you have to do it again and again. The more you

practice that skill in different contexts, the more it will

become second nature to you.

Not only is practice critical in developing a skill, it

also provides you with the confidence that you can do it. You

know you can because you've done it so many times before.

This is critical for us. As women, we often do not believe in

ourselves enough. You must be confident that you can

P



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execute successfully. Even if you fail, you have to believe you

will do it the next time or the next time or the time after

that.

Some people fool themselves into thinking that

watching something done over and over will give them the

expertise to do it. Trust me. It doesn't work that way. One

time, my husband and I attended our seven-year-old son's

basketball game together. That basketball season was my

son's first real exposure to the game of basketball. Needless

to say, he wasn't very skilled at the fundamentals of the

game such as dribbling, shooting, and playing defense. Once

the game started, it didn't take long for my husband's

frustration level to reach its boiling point.

It was quite humorous to me to watch my husband's

reaction when my son shot two free throws and totally

missed the basket, ran down the court and tripped over his

own feet, and allowed the boy he was guarding to score point

after point. I finally felt it necessary to remind my husband

that this was our son's first exposure to basketball. His reply

was "I've told him over and over again to watch the

[professional] basketball game with me so he would know

what to do." That's when it hit me. I knew that watching the

pro basketball players play would do little to improve my

son's skill level. Let's face it. The professional players make

it look easy. My son had to practice the skills himself, and

so do you. Just like the pro ball players, great leaders make

look easy, and you make some of your "mommy processes"

look easy as well. How many times have you helped your

children with their homework, cooked dinner, and washed a



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load of clothes at the same time? Repetition is not an

option. It separates the good from the great.

Practice increases your competence and confidence.

No matter what you are trying to master – sports, music,

math, cooking, or public speaking – you must practice

regularly. It is during practice that you mentally process the

event – What worked well? Why? What didn't work so well?

Why? What could you have done differently to improve the

outcome? What evidence do you have that your observations

about the situation are valid? Are you being too hard on

yourself? Not hard enough? This mental analysis is a critical

part of the transfer process. It is your own personal debrief.

Ideally, this debrief should be done when your brain is alert

and your body is quiet and still. It does not have to take long

(maybe 10 minutes or so), but it is a conversation that you

must have with yourself. We are often so busy doing , that

we don't take much time anymore for thinking and

reflecting.

After you have completed the four steps of the

Mommy Leadership Method with the first skill, choose

another leadership skill or attribute to focus on and begin

again. Work through the steps, one at a time, and continue

to fill your leadership bag.

After reading the process, you may be thinking "Will

this really work? Can this process help me to become a better

leader?" That is a natural question. Think of it this way. If

throughout this process, you gain one additional leadership

skill or attribute to use professionally, the time spent

reading this book and the work of using the process will

have been worth it.



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Mommy Leadership does not suggest that the

motherhood experience is a substitute for leadership

training in the workplace – only an important complement.

It is my belief that we must use every experience or role to

enrich us as leaders. Diversity of experience makes for well-

rounded influencers.

One of the shortcomings in some leadership training

is that it tries to fit everyone into three or four leadership

types. Some training may even attempt to fit men into one

mold and women into another. Leading is as individual as

your fingerprint. There are certainly tenants of leadership

that are true across the board, but each one of us has our

own style of influence, and partnered with the right

development, can render us much more powerful than we

ever imagined.

Ineffective mothers produce children ill prepared for

life as adults. Ineffective leaders produce leaders ill

prepared to influence and guide followers, groups,

departments, businesses, ministries, and organizations. If

you empower a mother, imagine what that does for her

children. Now imagine what an empowered Mommy Leader

can do in the professional arena.

It’s important to put what you learn into practice.

The interesting thing about practicing is what I like to call

the reciprocal effect. The more I incorporated the Mommy

Leadership practices into my life, the more I realized

something. I realized that there is a reciprocal effect.

Mommy Leadership encourages mothers to transfer the

skills they use in motherhood to improve as leaders

professionally. The process of assessing my leadership-



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related motherhood skills required reflection on both my

leadership skills and my motherhood skills. Practicing a

certain skill in various settings and situations helps

strengthen your command of the skill in all arenas.

Therefore, you will also be better able to use it even more

effectively as a mother. Using the skill in one venue will

help you in the other. You will also get better at applying

transferable skills.

In order to bring the whole Mommy Leadership

Method together, there are several behaviors that will help

you be successful.

Mommy Leadership Behaviors

o Take care of yourself - your total self.

It is 360-degree care. Your physical, spiritual, professional,

and emotional welfare affects your performance as a leader

in your home and everywhere else. You perform your best

when you feel your best. No one can take care of you like you

can and no one will. You also want to set a good example for

those who look to you for leadership. If they see you taking

care of yourself, they are more likely to do the same. You

want them to feel their best so that they can perform at

their best. You've probably worked for at least one person

who spent the majority of their waking hours consumed

with work – grabbing a bag of chips as they work through

lunch, taking no time for any physical activity. I may even

be describing you. We all know that this is not a sustainable



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lifestyle for a leader. Understand that by taking care of

yourself, you are taking care of all those people for whom

you are responsible.

o Find a mentor. Be a mentor.

The lack of women in high-ranking leadership positions is

often attributed to the fact that many women do not have

mentors to help them navigate the professional landscape.

There are so many talented female leaders that haven't

realized their full potential. Women need to help each other

grow into the leaders to fill the leadership gap that exists in

so many arenas. As far back as anyone can remember,

women have traded secrets and shared ideas on how to best

accomplish all that mothers are called upon to do. Much

knowledge was passed from experienced women to younger

women around the kitchen table. I cannot think of a reason

why Mommy Leaders shouldn't continue in that same

tradition – providing guidance and support to one another

on our journey to leadership.

o Don't just manage, lead.

There is a difference. A manager uses resources (human,

financial, or otherwise) to accomplish an assigned goal or

objective. A leader influences others to work toward a goal.

She creates a vision, influences followers to embrace it, and

guides those followers to make the vision a reality. While



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95

mothers do a lot of managing, there are those highly

effective ones who do a significant amount of leading as well.

You can see it in the way they run their homes and raise

their children. Mothers manage the housework and the

homework. Good mothers have a vision for their home and

everyone in it. Likewise, good leaders have vision for those

they lead. Keep that vision in front of you and lead your

family and group toward it.

o Commit to continual learning.

The world around us is constantly evolving at lightning

speed. It is imperative to learn new skills, concepts, trends,

technology, etc. in order to stay relevant. The more a leader

stays abreast of the world around her, the better equipped

she is to make decisions. Also, those who follow us are

looking to learn from us, from our employees to our children.

If they aren't learning from us, they will learn from

someone. Whatever you can learn, learn it. Be aware that

you don't just learn in the classroom or on the job.

Opportunities for learning are everywhere. Look for them.

Position yourself to learn. How? Reading is one of the best

ways. Many mothers, including myself, complain that they

don't have time to read. We often have to do it in snippets of

time – 15 minutes of a book here, 10 minutes on the Internet

there. Choose a variety of sources. Interacting with different

people is another great way to learn things. Small talk at a

party can yield big benefits. You never know what you may

learn from a simple conversation. Carve out two hours once



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or twice a month and attend a seminar or meeting on a topic

of interest. That is another rich source of learning. Learn!

Learn! Learn!

o A positive attitude is critical.

Likely, your first exposure to the importance of attitude was

when your teacher read The Little Engine That Could to the

class. Remember that unlike more qualified (bigger) engines,

the little engine agreed to take on the seemingly impossible

task of pulling the long string of train cars over the hill.

While the little engine worked to accomplish his task, his

refrain was "I think I can." This simple childhood tale goes

to the heart of optimism and hard work. Fast forward

twenty years and the message is still just as poignant. In his

book Attitude 101, noted leadership expert, John Maxwell,

makes the case for the importance of a positive, can-do

attitude. He explains that attitudes are contagious and that

the right or wrong one can help or hinder leadership

performance. Pay close attention to the attitude you project

as well as the attitude projected by those you lead.

o Recognize your limits.

This is more than just knowing what you can't do or

accomplish. Understand why your limit is a limit for you. It's

important to understand the underlying reasons so that you

can access whether or not you can ever overcome that



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limitation. Some limitations are seasonal. While your

children are younger, you may not be able to take on that

extra project. Other limitations are based on preparation. If

the limitation exists because you do not know something,

then you can remove or reduce that limitation by taking a

class or gaining expertise from some other source. Finally,

there are limitations that you can do little about. Learn to

work around those.

o Get results.

All the leadership training and development that you do

ultimately come down to this: What is the result of your

leadership efforts? Mommy Leadership focuses on

leadership skills, behaviors, and traits. Clearly, these are

important, but without results, it is all for naught. A

leader's job is to influence her followers to accomplish some

goal. A leader's results set her apart from other leaders. If

you are not getting the results you seek, step back and re-

evaluate what you are doing.

o Strive to improve.

Celebrate your strengths and successes, but always

challenge yourself to get a little better every day. Reflect on

your leadership experiences – what went well and what

didn't. Make note of what you'd like to improve upon and

keep it in mind as you deal with people and make decisions.



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Accept feedback and learn from it. Take on different types of

leadership roles as they present themselves (if your schedule

permits). Be aware of opportunities to practice specific

leadership skills and behaviors in all settings.



PART III

A Message of Motivation



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CHAPTER EIGHT

A Mommy Leadership Lesson

he best time to see what type of leader you are

is to observe your behavior in a crisis. Once

the crisis is over and you take the time to

reflect on the events, there are often valuable lessons to be

learned. The process of self reflection can provide you with

invaluable information about your strengths and

weaknesses. It also allows you the opportunity to see what

leadership skills and attributes you employ to accomplish

your objectives. Over the years, I have spoken to many

mothers who have shared life experiences with me. The

following account is a composite of some of those shared

experiences and tells the story of a mom's experience that

T



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required her to take on a leadership role during a crisis

within her family. My observations of this mother's actions

are shown at the end of this account. Through this story, I

hope that you will see a glimpse of yourself as a leader and

mine some leadership nuggets from your own crisis

experience.

Abigail is an upper middle-class mother of three

children aged 10 years, 14 years and 17 years old. She runs

a small, but successful, business out of the home she shares

with her husband of 20 years. This incident was one of the

most trying events of her life and helped her understand

how her leadership kept the family together and guided

them through this unexpected predicament. Here is

Abigail's story.

Many families have fallen victim to the economic

crisis of the past couple years. Abigail and her family were

no exception. As recently as three years ago, Abigail's home

business was thriving and her husband, a Sales Director,

was regularly bringing home hefty bonus checks. The family

was doing quite well financially and living comfortably until

it all came crashing down. The day that changed their lives

so drastically began like any other day. She got the kids off

to school and her husband off to work. She sat down at her

computer to begin working. When the phone rang, she was

so engrossed in her work that she hadn't realized two hours

had passed. She picked up the phone unprepared for what

she was about to hear. It was her husband. He had been let

go from his company. After hearing those words, she

couldn't hear anything else he was saying. Her mind began

racing as she thought of all of their financial obligations –




103

the mortgage, the cars, her son's upcoming college tuition,

her daughter's gymnastics lessons, and her younger son's

hockey league. How would they manage?

Over the next several weeks, the bills seem to gobble

up the family's savings, her husband's severance pay, and

his unemployment checks like a Pac Man video game. The

earnings from her business were also suffering due to the

current economic climate. Their financial woes had the

family in an emotional tailspin. Her children were ashamed

of and frightened by the family's sudden change in financial

status. Her husband was depressed and had all but given up

on finding another job.

Abigail also wanted to just give up, but someone had

to keep it together. It became increasingly apparent that the

family would not be able to survive financially without a

plan. Abigail decided to take action! She spent some time

alone brainstorming about the family's finances—what

obligations they could eliminate, which ones they could

postpone, and what they could do to generate more money.

Once she had a workable list, she knew the next step was to

rally the troops. She couldn't implement the plan alone. It

had to be done as a family, as a team. Unfortunately, her

family was focused on the problem and not the solution.

Each family member was paralyzed with grief over the loss

of the financially stable life they once lived.

Abigail knew that it was up to her to motivate her

family to work together for survival. It was time for a family

meeting. At the meeting, she laid out the family's grim

financial situation, but highlighted the positives in their

lives.



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She then shared her list of ideas and solicited input

from each family member regarding how to and who would

implement each idea. As the focus shifted to problem

solving, everyone seemed to become more hopeful that they

could turn their situation around.

The all important next step was executing the plan

and implementing the ideas. Everyone left the family

meeting encouraged and raring to go. Her seventeen-year-

old found a part-time job at a local fast food restaurant and

began investigating financial aid for college. Her teen-aged

daughter quit the gymnastics team to save money and began

babysitting for extra money. Her youngest son gave up

hockey and got a newspaper route. Everyone was extra

diligent in turning off electronics that were not in use in

order to save on the electric bill. Abigail took special care in

shopping wisely at the grocery store and preparing low cost

meals as much as possible. Her husband had even stepped

up his job search.

Despite their efforts to make up for her husband's

lost salary, the family continued to fall behind in the list of

bills that were due. Then the unthinkable happened. They

were forced to move out of their home into a rental. After all

the hard work and sacrificing, this was a serious punch in

the gut. Abigail could not believe this was happening. It was

surreal. Both Abigail and her husband felt like such failures

letting something like this happen to their family. This

latest blow caused significant turmoil among the family

members resulting in blame, anger, and depression. Abigail

realized that this financial hardship was threatening to

destroy her family's relationships, hopes and dreams. It was




105

all at stake. Again, Abigail had to do something. She knew

she had to deal with the emotions before any real work

would be done. First, she dealt with her own emotions

regarding their financial circumstances. Then she began

working on her husband. He was having a particularly hard

time with their financial situation, because he believed it to

be his fault. Abigail had to employ all of her motivational

skills to lift her husband out of his hopelessness. He was so

down that he even stopped searching for a job. She needed

him to work with her as a co-leader to make it through their

situation. He was a critical element of their recovery plan.

Little by little, the family began to make slow but

steady progress toward a more healthy financial future.

They are still working to get back on their feet financially.

Abigail's leadership helped her family to walk through the

ordeal and handle it in a proactive, productive manner.

The Lessons

As I consider Abigail's story, I see leadership lessons

from a life experience that provided on-the-job leadership

training in a crisis situation.

• Throughout this emotionally charged situation,

Abigail managed the emotions of her followers (family

members) as she moved them toward the solution. It is

likely that the family would not have been able to work

through their individual and collective feelings had they

not had appropriate guidance. This leadership skill

sticks out for me in this story. (Emotional Intelligence)



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• She built a team. She got each of the family members

to buy into the action plan and take a role in

implementing it. (Building Teams)

• She developed a strategy to handle the financial

hardship caused by the loss of her husband's job. She

had input to the strategy from her team members, which

helped them feel a part of the solution. (Strategic

Thinking)

• Once the action plan was developed, she facilitated

its execution through her leadership of her children. She

made sure each team member made their contribution to

the overall strategic plan. (Execution)

• The ability to motivate others is one of the skills that

separate leaders from managers. Abigail had the

daunting task of helping her husband believe in himself

again after the sudden loss of his job. Job loss can be a

devastating blow for men whose identities are tied to

their jobs or those who believe it is a man's responsibility

to provide for the family. Her support and

encouragement were the ingredients that made the

difference. (Motivating Others)

Abigail could be any one of us. We have all had or

will have events that require someone to step up and lead

the way through difficult circumstances. Mothers deal with

crises of all types whether they are medical, social, legal,

financial or a combination of these. On the next two pages,




107

write down the events of a crisis situation that you

encountered as a mom. Be very specific and descriptive as

you recount the event. Then go back and read it. As you

read, think of the actions you took to lead or help lead your

family through it. Refer to any list of leadership skills and

compare with what you did in the crisis. I bet you will find a

match!

Mommy Leadership Exercise: Lessons from a Crisis

Describe your personal crisis situation in the space below.

Include your specific actions and behaviors.



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109

CHAPTER NINE

The Mommy Leadership Continuum

eadership is a process. It is not a position or a

title. No matter what your natural leadership

abilities are, you have to work to become

better and more effective. As with any process of growth,there are various stages of development. New leaders must

learn the basics of leading people, especially in the context of

the organization in which they lead. Those who are not new

to the leadership role must work to hone their leadership

skills and behaviors. More seasoned leaders must work on

their skills for developing the organization's next set of

leaders.

Anyone who has been a mother for any length of time

knows that each stage of a child's development brings about

L



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new challenges in parenting. Based on those challenges, a

parent focuses on specific aspects throughout the child's life.

The mother of an infant focuses on very different skills than

the mother of a teenager. These two mothers use different

methods of meeting the needs of the child appropriate to the

stage of development they are in. The same is true in

leadership. Leading an inexperienced employee requires a

different approach than leading a mature employee.

Throughout our lives as mothers, we automatically utilize

certain skills and talents to effectively raise our children

based on their developmental levels. So as our children

grow, we too can grow as leaders. At each age and stage of

their development, the mother can focus on developing a

variety of leadership skills. I call this the Mommy

Leadership Continuum. Mothers with children of all ages

can benefit from the Mommy Leadership Method.

Ages and Stages

The ages and stages of a child's development can be

categorized in a number of ways. For the sake of simplicity, I

will describe three major stages – infancy to preschool (birth

to age 5), childhood (age 6 to 12), and adolescents (age 13

and up). The stages of motherhood can be aligned with a

child's development. As the children change and grow, so do

mothers. Throughout a child’s life, the mother’s parenting

strategies and development focus changes as their children

change and grow. The mother’s leadership development

increases as she plans how she will accomplish things,




111

evaluates the results of her plans, and establishes new

methods that match the developmental stage of her child’s

life. Everyone benefits from going through the stages of

development. These years of helping a child develop are not

wasted; they enhance the mother’s viability.

In the early years of a child's life, mom is teaching

basic, but important, life skills needed to function in society.

The infancy/preschool stage is a child's introduction to the

environment in which they must survive and hopefully

thrive. The major thing mothers provide during this stage is

the basic physical and emotional needs of life.

Once they become mobile, the next challenge is to

keep the child from hurting him or herself. This stage of

motherhood is a busy time of task completion. Every time

she completes one task for her child, another one is required.

At the same time, she has other demands that must be

attended to such as other children, housework, husband, or

job. Time management and prioritization are key skills that

a mother in this stage practices.

Also in this stage, children are learning to master

skills for themselves such as walking, running, talking, and

feeding themselves. They try to exert their autonomy and

strive to control the world around them. Mothers have to

help them learn the skills they need to master, build self-

esteem, and begin to teach them right from wrong.

These skills can easily be applied to the working

relationship between a leader and a new employee. A new

employee requires more time and supervision from the

leader than the more established employees. As a leader,



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new employees need you to help them learn key skills and

master certain tasks. Newer employees require closer

supervision teaching them the methods and culture of the

organization. Newer employees will ask more questions of

the supervisor as they learn more. They also are developing

autonomy in performing their job. It normally requires

repetition and a lot of patience from the supervisor. A leader

has to put in the time with her followers in order to develop

them. Just as in motherhood, this is a time-intensive stage

for the leader requiring time management skills and the

ability to measure and further develop the employee’s

progress.

During the childhood years, mothers focus on

teaching their children values and problem solving skills for

independence. For many moms, this is often a busy stage

because children are often involved in many school and

social activities that require transportation. Since children

do not need to be as closely supervised, this stage requires

mom to begin trusting that what she has taught her child is

being applied. The children are establishing relationships

outside of the home gaining new friends, teachers, coaches,

etc. As children develop socially, more problems arise in

these situations that need to be worked through for the

inner development of the child. The values and problem

solving skills taught to them come into play as the child

experiences challenges. The child may or may not require

the support of their parent depending on the situation, but

the support is available when needed.

This stage can be compared to leadership in that the

leader teaches and trains her employees who are not so new




113

to the organization. She must begin to trust them to make

decisions for themselves for they have been taught values

and problem-solving skills throughout their employment

with the organization. When she delegates a responsibility

to one of her employees, she has to trust them to carry it out

successfully. The employee reviews what they know about

the organization pertaining to the situation they are facing

and determines an appropriate solution. Delegation is not

easy for most mothers or leaders, but it is absolutely

necessary. We must all go through this in motherhood and

leadership.

In the later years of motherhood, adolescents are

seeking their identification in the world. They begin

thinking about whom they are, what they want to do in the

future, and what they want to stand for. They make

decisions regarding their peers and social interests. In this

stage, Mom takes on the roles of coach and mentor. Clearly,

Mom is a coach and mentor throughout her child's life, but

an older child's need for a coach and mentor overshadows

the types of needs moms satisfy for younger children. Older

children are making life-altering decisions and are

preparing for leadership. They need the wisdom of the

seasoned mother to help them through this stage of their

lives.

Likewise, in leadership, it is widely accepted that

mentor and coach are key responsibilities of a leader.

Forward thinking leaders understand that their followers

must be proactively developed in order to have a successful

organization in the future. Coaching and mentoring –



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whether formal or informal – are critical components of the

leadership development process for emerging leaders.

Most leaders, certainly those in the workplace, are

required to do more than can be accomplished in a regular

eight-hour workday. In these times of leaner organization,

leaders are responsible for more objectives and more people.

It is imperative for the effective leader to successfully

manage the numerous tasks, meetings, and people while

planning the organization's future. (Priorities in motherhood

are often competing just as they are in the workplace.)

Special Circumstances….

It's All in How You Look At Things

There is another aspect of the Mommy Leadership

Continuum…mothers with special circumstances. Many

mothers raise children under special circumstances that add

complexity to the already demanding role of mothers. Some

of the more common ones are single parent homes, special

needs children, and blended families. These circumstances

provide another opportunity for the development of

leadership skills that can be applicable in other settings.

Single Mothers

Focused Skill: Organization & People Development

As a married mother of two, I have often



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Blended Families

Focused Skill: Emotional Intelligence and Managing

Conflict

No matter what we saw on The Brady Bunch,

making a blended family work is often a complicated

situation to navigate. Actually, many of the episodes

demonstrated some of the problems that can arise in

blended families. In one of the episodes, Alice, the

housekeeper, was accused of showing preferential treatment

to the boys whom she had been with for years. For whatever

reasons, the girls believed Alice loved the boys more than

she loved them. Of course, this perception caused all kinds

of problems within the household. By the end of the episode,

the adults in the home (the parents and Alice) had

successfully convinced the girls that although Alice had been

with the boys longer, she had equal love and concern for

them. Unlike the Brady Bunch, most of the blended family

issues cannot be fixed within a 30-minute timeslot.

Furthermore, Mom may or may not have a supportive

husband or live-in housekeeper working by her side to make

the family function effectively.

Depending on the specifics of each blended family,

the relationships between adults and children from different

homes with different rules and different expectations can be

difficult to manage. Successfully managing one's own

emotions and the emotions of others requires skill, insight,

and self-management. This emotional intelligence allows

mom to make better decisions for the family and solve




117

problems more effectively. For example, she does not allow

her own desire to be accepted by her stepdaughter change

her expectation of her stepdaughter. If she allowed her own

feelings to cloud her decision-making, her stepdaughter may

not become the person she could have been. A peaceful, well-

functioning family unit hinges on a strong and wise

influence that is not afraid to be unpopular.

The mother of a blended family can find herself in a

comparable situation as the leader of a diverse group of

team members. Some of her team members have been

working with her for years while others are new to her

group. Her team members are a mix of people from different

backgrounds with different work habits and different

expectations. Under normal circumstances, the team

functions fine together. When the team faces pressure to

deliver difficult objectives in a stressful environment, the

team dynamics tend to become emotionally charged.

Feelings and emotions ignited by stress can greatly hinder a

team's effectiveness. In this relatively common situation, the

team leader can use her emotional intelligence to discern

unarticulated emotions, hidden loyalties, and unmet

expectations that sabotage her team's achievement of its

goals. Her level-headed leadership ushers her group past

their individual feelings through the emotional turbulence

that envelops her team, and guides them peacefully to

collective success.



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Special Needs Children

Focused Skill: Decision Making and Positive Attitude

Parenting a special needs child presents a unique set

of challenges. The "special needs" designation includes a

broad array of issues from chronic illness to emotional or

behavioral disturbances and mental retardation to learning

delays. The mothers of these children must raise them like

any other mother while managing the symptoms and issues

resulting from their conditions. Initial diagnosis is likely

met with disbelief, anger, sadness, and hopelessness, but the

child looks to mommy for hope and strength. Doctors,

counselors, teachers and other professionals provide moms

with mind-numbing amounts of information about their

children's conditions. Mommy (and sometimes Daddy) has to

make decision after decision about their child's care.

The mother of a special needs child has to have a

vision for the child's future. I remember watching a

television show about a woman who had a set of autistic

twin boys. Professional after professional told her that her

sons would not be able to function independently in society,

but she saw something special in her boys and believed that

they could achieve more than what the doctors said they

could accomplish. Through her untiring efforts, her sons

grew to be well functioning adults. This true story was

extraordinary enough for it to be made into a movie.

Mothers of special needs children are found to be

very creative in being able to navigate in society getting the

needs of their child met. One example is a child with Down




119

syndrome. In this scenario, the local elementary school is

not equipped to handle, and may not want to handle, the

challenges a Down syndrome child faces. The mother

becomes an advocate, researcher, and self-starter. By

gathering information and resources, the mother works with

the school to ensure that the needs of her child are met. The

mother's creativity not only empowers her to help her child

but also causes change in the world around her.

See It In Another Way

Many times we look at our circumstances and lament

the fact that things aren't different. Why can't my life be

"normal" like other people? Why do I have to go through

this? Although life's challenges are not pleasant to go

through, they actually present growth opportunities for us.

If we choose to look at the positive in an otherwise negative

situation, there is always a lesson to be learned, a skill to be

practiced and perfected. Certainly, the circumstances I have

highlighted in this chapter can be viewed as challenges

facing some mothers. Look for the things you are learning

or have learned as well as the survival skills you have

developed. These are the beautiful pearls growing in that

not so attractive oyster. If you change your outlook, you will

discover these precious gems.



121

FINAL WORDS

Reasons or Excuses: It Doesn't Really Matter

t this point, you have read all but one chapter

of this book and now know what Mommy

Leadership is about. You have also probablyalready decided whether or not you will actually try what

you've read. Let me first congratulate you on the first step to

improving your leadership skills through Mommy

Leadership. Now let me tell you that simply reading this

book is not enough. You owe it to yourself to try the process.

There are always reasons (or excuses) why we won't try

something new. So before you start developing those reasons

in your head, let me help you. I've listed five reasons

(excuses) not to apply what you have read. I admit that

these could be legitimate reasons, but I have some thoughts

A



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about those reasons. Remember, when you make excuses,

you are giving away your power. If you make the decision to

try the process, you have empowered yourself to do it.

1.) Reason: I am too busy.

Think about this. It has been said "If you want

something done, give it to a busy person." Let's face

it. You make time for the things you have

prioritized to be most important. Mommy

Leadership is professional development, and

professional development means personal growth.

2.) Reason: I am not the best mother. How can I apply

anything for leadership?

Think about this. None of us are as good a mother

as we would like to be, especially working mothers.

No, you probably don't do everything well, but you

most likely do something well. Capitalize on it.

3.) Reason: I do not have a leadership position at my

job.

As I stated in the first chapter, leadership is not a

title. It is influence. Whatever your position, you

have influence. If you are in a supporting role at

your company, there are skills that you have that

others look to for direction. Your opinion matters




123

because you have the experience and knowledge

that can be trusted.

4.) Reason: I never learn anything useful in leadership

training and leadership books.

Even if a nugget of information that you can apply to

your situation is gleaned, it is worth the effort.

Sharing ideas, methods and processes empowers one

another in growing as leaders. The experiences

shared help us consider our own possibilities. It is the

application of these ideas to our leadership

experience that gives us the opportunity to grow as

leaders.

5.) Reason: Mommy leadership is nothing new. I

already do what is discussed in this book.

Great! Keep doing what you are doing and share your

knowledge with other would-be mommy leaders.

Admittedly, this is a practical approach to improving your

leadership and not very theoretical. Having studied

leadership, I can assure you that there is much leadership

theory available for your reading pleasure. Personally, I am

one for understanding how I can use information to solve

problems or drive change. I am looking for results.

Being the leader of anything can seem pretty

overwhelming at times. There is so much that we need to be

good at – managing, listening, coaching, delegating, and the



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list goes on. A wise person once told me that I don't have to

wait until I am good at all these things before I start

leading. Think of it as a series of steps that little by little,

day by day, you will see improvement. Just as our children

grow a little each day or in spurts, likewise, we will grow as

leaders. There are times when you will demonstrate such

growth that you do not recognize the leader you have

become.

A Word About Self-Talk

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he:

---Proverbs 23:7 KJV

As you understand your journey to become a better

leader, be aware of your self talk. Self talk, what you say to

yourself about yourself, is powerful. Whether you say it out

loud or just think it, self talk can make or break you. It can

undo all the good work you have done, so be careful of what

you say about yourself. What others say about your ability

or potential is important, but what you say about it is far

more important. Many women, and especially mothers, are

particularly vulnerable to negative self talk. We are often so

hard on ourselves. We continually rehearse in our minds our

shortcomings or mistakes. We sometimes take it a step

further believing that our mistakes mean that we are not

good mothers. Likewise, in the workplace, we can name a

myriad of our professional shortcomings. But everybody has

shortcomings. Of course, we all know that logically, but so




125

often we use the smallest mistake as evidence against

ourselves. We actually build a case against ourselves based

on those mistakes that we aren't good mothers or good

leaders. This negative self talk can be devastating to your

self confidence as a leader. If you don't believe you can be an

effective leader, then you will not apply the same level of

effort. You won't persevere in the face of difficulties in

current leadership positions, nor will you volunteer for new

leadership opportunities. Instead, we should look at our

shortcomings as another challenge to conquer.

Now is the time to believe that you can and will do a

good job. Practice reminding yourself what you can do as

opposed to what you cannot. If you don't believe it, no one

will. Others may even believe that you do a great job leading

your team, but if they see you question yourself, they may

begin to question your leadership ability as well. Why

should they believe in you, if you don't believe in yourself?

The answer is they shouldn’t. Learn to recognize your own

potential. Then you will have the ability to influence others

around you.

Many times when we think of leaders, we think of

those at the very top of the organization. Recognize that

leaders are required at every level of the organization to

make it run effectively. As a matter of fact, there is a body of

organizational behavior research that suggests the

importance of middle managers as leaders of change within

organizations. So if you are not at the top of the

organization, be it for political reasons or work life balance

reasons, do not assume that you do not make a leadership

contribution. You can make a difference within your



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organization just as you make a difference in your home. If

you have an opportunity to touch people directly, you can

make a significant difference.

The best use of self talk is to encourage yourself. So

often other people, even if they think you are doing a good

job, will not encourage you for various reasons. Those

reasons don’t matter. What is important is that you have the

power to encourage yourself. Tell yourself, “I am doing a

great job. I am making improvements that are making me

better. I have the potential to become a great leader.”

I strongly believe that there is significant benefit to

the difficult experiences of motherhood and that we need to

put those experiences to use in as many ways as possible. It

is sad to think of the women who regularly perform

leadership responsibilities in their homes, yet these same

women sit on the sideline in the workplace and question

their leadership ability. Recognize your skills and know that

you are not just a leader in your home. You are a

leader…period. Believe it, own it, and develop it. Mommy

Leadership does not suggest that motherhood is a substitute

for professional leadership training or experience, only an

important complement to it. With so little time to do so

much, we must use every experience or role to enrich

ourselves as leaders. Diversity of experience makes for a

well-rounded influencer. Embrace every role you play in life.

Each of them is valuable in some way and make up the total

person and leader you are. Based on your specific skills and

experiences, you have a unique contribution to make to your

organization that no one else can make. The composition of




127

your interests, passions, and skills is the foundation of how

you influence.

By now, you probably have a better idea of how you

influence others. What is your approach? What skills and

behaviors do you use? The previous chapters were written to

help you explore your motherhood experience to discover

more about yourself as a leader. Take the next step and

think about where you have the opportunity to influence -

where you can make a difference. Is it in corporate America,

entrepreneurship, the non-profit sector, or your local

church? Wherever you lead or have the opportunity to lead,

use everything you can to improve. Effective leaders are

needed everywhere, and with all the different careers in

which to function, there are mothers poised to help improve

their organizations like they do their homes.

Celebrate your motherhood experience and learn

from it. Let it activate you as the leader you are, and more

so, the leader you can and will become. Remember that your

children are not the only fruits of motherhood. Motherhood

changes you forever. Let it help you improve as a leader.

Enjoy the process!



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The Mommy Leadership Method

1. Skill Identification (Recognize It)

Identify leadership skills you use as a mother.

2. Skill Adaptation (Transfer It)

Transfer those skills to your professional

leadership roles.

3. Skill Execution (Do It)

Apply those skills in the workplace.

4. Skill Repetition (Make It Stick)

Use those skills as often as possible in

professional leadership.

www.mommyleadership.com



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Rath, Tom. Strengths Finder 2.0: A New and Upgraded

Edition of the Online Test from Gallup's Now,

Discover Your Strengths. New York: Gallup Press,

2007.

The Holy Bible, King James Version. Camden, NJ: Thomas

Nelson, Inc., 1972.

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