Module Two - Amazon S3 · A. Is there a biblical mandate? Are you equally yoked? 1. Scripture seems...

Preparation for, and Insight into Marriage 1

Module Two

Table of Contents

Preparing for Marriage and Pre-Marital Coaching………………………………………….........…….…..….2

Les Parrott, III, Ph.D.; Leslie Parrott, Ed.D.

Expectations and Assumptions: Due Diligence Before, "I Do"……………………………………….……7

Joshua Straub, Ph.D.

Understanding the Five Love Languages...……………………………………………………………………...13

Gary Chapman, Ph.D.

Preparation and Insight going into Marriage


Preparing for Marriage and Pre-Marital

Coaching

Les Parrott, III, Ph.D.;

Leslie Parrott, Ed.D. Abstract

A counseling supervisor once mused on the absurdity of licensing people to drive, yet requiring

nothing of people entering marriage. This is beginning to change in the church, which is getting

serious about marital preparation and divorce avoidance. Les and Leslie Parrott disclose their

extensive work in marital preparation and pre-marital coaching in this lesson.

Learning Objectives

1. Participants will be able to outline the SYMBIS program.

2. Participants will be able to ask pre-marital couples seven key questions to consider before

marriage, and discuss common myths that often sabotage marriage.

3. Participants will be able to identify basic principles of good communication and fair

fighting.


I. Introduction

This lesson gives an overview of the SYMBIS program—Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts.

II. SYMBIS Program: Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts

A. Seven key questions about marriage and preparing for it

1. Has the couple honestly faced the myths of marriage that they believe?

They expect the same things from marriage.

Everything good about marriage gets better and better.

Everything bad in life will disappear because of marriage.

A spouse should make an individual whole (completion compulsion).

2. Can an individual identify his/her love style? Built on Sternberg’s Tri-angular theory of love.

Passion—Biology and hormones.

Intimacy—Emotional side of relationship. Commitment—The decision to love, cognitive and volitional.

(Please see their book Saving your marriage before it starts and accompanying

workbooks for 8 love styles and exercises)


3. Have both individuals developed the habit of happiness?

The capacity to adjust to events beyond one’s control.

Learn to develop right attitudes in spite of the troubles of marriage.

Learn to overcome tendencies toward self-pity and blaming others.

4. Can both individuals say what he/she means and understand what he/she hears?

Proper marital communications requires a genuine interest in it.

One must be able to fully accept one’s spouse.

Important to clarify content (say what one means).

And to reflect back the feelings expressed by one’s spouse.

5. Have the individuals bridged the gender gap?

Men tend to prefer to share information and solve problems.

Women tend to prefer connecting and improving the relationship.

Women want to be desired and men admired.

Women want to be cherished, and men enjoy shared activities.


6. Do you know how to fight a good fight?

Fighting is inevitable in marriage—don’t assume someone can avoid it.

Money is the #1 source of conflict in young couples.

Fair fighting skills are essential to protect against Gottman’s ‘4 horseman of marital apocalypse’: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

7. Are the two partners soul-mates?

Commit to building spiritual intimacy.

Share oneself with one’s spouse in

1) Prayer

2) Service

3) Study

4) Worship

5) Meals

6) Ministry

III. Concluding Thoughts


Bibliography/Reading List

Parrott, L., & Parrot, L. (1995). Saving your marriage before it starts. Grand Rapids, MI:

Zondervan.

Parrott, L., & Parrot, L. (1997). Becoming soul mates. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Parrott, L., & Parrot, L. (1998). Getting ready for the wedding. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.

Brandt, H., & Skinner, K. (1999). Marriage god’s way. Nashville, TN: Broadman & Holman.


MLCPM 105:

Expectations and Assumptions: Due Diligence

Before, "I Do"

Joshua Straub, Ph.D.

Abstract

Marriage is a beautiful creation of God, but without the right direction, it can turn into something

horrible that no couple expects. This course will walk you through the tough expectations and

assumptions that couples have before marriage. It was also provide you with questions of value

that every coach should ask before a couple walks down the aisle to a lifetime together.

Course Objectives

1. Participants will be able to discuss factors that influence the choices of the couple to

marry or stay single.

2. Participants will be able to explore goals, dreams, and expectations of each member of the

couple.

3. Participants will be able to gain insight into statistics about marriage and what it means to

become a family.


I. Choosing a Marriage Partner

A. Is there a biblical mandate? Are you equally yoked?

1. Scripture seems to be silent on the matter other than choosing a believer. Marriage and singleness are both acceptable in God’s eyes.

2. "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 2 Cor. 6:14-15

B. What factors influence the choice to marry or remain single?

1. Job/career goals.

2. Waiting for the “perfect” mate (compatibility and values).

3. Fear and hesitation over high divorce rates.

4. Recognizing the possible need for personal growth and maturity.

"The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage." Luke 20:34

C. Why do some choose wisely and some unwisely?

1. Codependency dynamics.

2. Unplanned pregnancy.

3. Levels of emotional and spiritual maturity.

4. The need to correct family-of-origin issues.


5. Christian convictions or the lack of them.

"But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him." James 1:5

II. Before Saying, “I Do”

A. Seeking out wise counsel – making a case for pre-engagement counseling

1. “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, And a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel.” Proverbs 1:5

2. “Without consultation, plans are frustrated, but with many counselors they succeed.” Proverbs 15:22

B. Assessing the readiness for marriage (or remarriage)

1. Emotionally, mentally, financially, and spiritually.

2. “For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who observe it begin to ridicule him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’” Luke 14:28-29

C. Taking an honest look at goals, dreams, and expectations

1. In your spiritual relationship:

What is your biblical model for marriage and the roles of husbands and wives?

What are your fellowship, ministry, and spiritual growth needs/interests?

What does spiritual intimacy mean to you?


2. In your emotional relationship:

Are you best friends?

Do you share the same values?

Can you accept and appreciate your differences?

Will Set: 1) The notion of intimacy- the willingness to endure the negative feelings

you get when you grow closer to the other.

2) The willingness to choose to stay in the relationship

3) The willingness to give up blame, including self-blame

3. Your communication style:

Do you make decisions together with a win/win (both mutually satisfied) approach?

Are you aware of each other’s primary love language?

Do you resolve conflict well and practice forgiveness?

4. Your social/leisure life:

Do you have fun together?

Do you have some common interests/friends?

Is there freedom to have sufficient alone time?


5. Your job/career goals and issues:

Whose career path should take precedence?

What is the potential for disruptions, moves, extra hours, etc.?

How will you manage/balance work and family schedules?

6. Your financial needs, values, and goals:

Are you committed to a budget that looks at both immediate & long term needs?

Will you have joint, his/her, or both when it comes to your accounts?

How will any current or future debt be handled?

7. Your extended family dynamics:

Can you accept each other’s extended family?

Have you discussed family traditions and cultural nuances? Have you discussed any potential boundaries that may be needed?

8. Your child rearing goals and philosophy:

Have you discussed birth control?


How will household rules and expectations be decided and enforced?

Are there any blended family issues?

9. Household responsibilities, projects, and interior design:

Is there a commitment to an equitable distribution of chores?

Will the home environment reflect the interests, wishes, and ideas of both?

Will there be individual/personal spaces in the home?

10. Your physical intimacy:

Are you physically attracted to each other?

Are you committed to sexual purity?

Are there any physical, emotional, or biblical factors to consider?

IV. Concluding Thoughts


MLCPM 106:

Understanding the Five Love Languages

Gary Chapman, Ph.D. Abstract

In this course, Dr. Chapman will explore the reality that emotional state of “falling in love” does

not last forever in marriage. Thus couples must work at keeping this emotional state of feeling

loved. Another important reality is that people perceive love differently Dr. Chapman introduces

five different ways people express and perceive love—the five love languages. He encourages

couples to learn to speak the partner’s love language to fill his/her love tank.

Learning Objectives

1. Participants will be able to explain the nature of “falling in love” experience.

2. Participants will be able to identify five love languages and describe how to discover

one’s love language

3. Participants will be able to discuss how speaking and not speaking the partner’s love

languages influence in marital relationship


I. Love

A. Love is the most important word in the English language, but it is also the most

confusing word in the English language.

1. Use the word “love” in a thousand ways.

2. Love as it relates to love in marriage.

II. The Experience of Falling in Love

A. The Big Reason – “we are in love” – what does it mean?

B. Begins with a Feeling – “The Tingles”

C. Leads to Greater Tingles

D. Verbalize “I love you” results in obsession and a stage of euphoria

1. Is falling in love biblical? Yes (cf. Judges 14; Song of Solomon 4, 5)

2. Reality: Cultural differences exist in cultures regarding what to do after the “tingles.” All cultural responses have strengths and weaknesses. Falling in love tends to make couples blind to this reality.

3. “Falling in love is a wonderful experience, but it is not an adequate foundation to build a marriage – it is very temporary in nature” Average lifespan of being “in love” is two years.


E. Being “in love” is not an adequate foundation for a successful marriage.

F. Reality: When you come off the high, most people break up because the lack of

feelings.

G. The end of the euphoric state of love requires a transition to an intentional state of

love.

III. How to Keep Emotional Love Alive after You Come Off the High

A. What makes one person feel loved does not make another person feel loved; we can

be very sincere in expressing love, but it may not be in the language the other

person understands.

B. The Five Love Languages: five ways to express love emotionally and learn how to

speak the other person’s languages

1. Words of affirmation

2. Giving and receiving gifts

3. Acts of Service

4. Quality Time

5. Physical Touch


C. The language that speaks more deeply to you emotionally than the other four is

your primary love language.

D. Most of us have a primary love language, a secondary love language, and the other

three follow.

IV. Love Languages in Marriage

A. In a marriage, almost never, do a husband and wife have the same love languages.

B. Married couples are missing each other emotionally because they are not speaking

the right love language.

C. Much of the misbehavior in marriage comes from the emptiness in our love tank.

D. If you feel loved, you can hear each other out and find solutions to the conflict.

E. All of the Love languages can be learned.

F. Couples could find rebirth in their marriage if they learned how to speak the

right love language.


G. How do you discover your love language and the other person’s love language?

1. Observe your own behavior.

2. What do you complain about most often?

3. What do we request most often?

V. Concluding Thoughts

Module Two - Amazon S3 · A. Is there a biblical mandate? Are you equally yoked? 1. Scripture seems...

Documents

Transcript of Module Two - Amazon S3 · A. Is there a biblical mandate? Are you equally yoked? 1. Scripture seems...