Module 2 Assignment: Personal Narrative OGL 482 Pro-Seminar II … · Module 2 Assignment: Personal...

Running head: PERSONAL NARRATIVE 1

Module 2 Assignment: Personal Narrative

OGL 482 Pro-Seminar II

Denise Wolsieffer

March 18, 2018

PERSONAL NARRATIVE 2

Module 2 Assignment: Personal Narrative

People often refer to experiences as beginning or closing a chapter in their lives. For

example when a couple gets married people talk about how they are starting a new chapter.

Using books as a metaphor to explain or categorize various life experiences works well. Some

characters in a story continue throughout the entire book while others make brief appearances

then leave. This is similar to how we experience life. There are people who have been with us

since we were born and still have a strong influence on us currently, and there are those who

briefly have an impact, perhaps without even realizing the effect they have on us, and we never

have an opportunity to interact with them again. This paper is a personal narrative highlighting

significant life events, whether positive or negative, which shaped who I am today. The paper is

divided into chapters. Within a chapter I tell stories of my life and how the events shaped the

direction of my life. The chapters are loosely arranged in chronological order to provide

structure however my reflections skip through various points in my life touching on things that

have had an impact upon me.

Chapter I: The Family Background

I was born on July 9, 1962 in Lombard, Illinois, a middle class neighborhood located in

the Western Suburbs of Chicago. I am the youngest of three; the only daughter. I have two

older brothers, Dennis and Douglas. They called me Neecy instead of Denise. I would not have

minded the nickname but I hated the sarcastic and teasing manner in which they said it. I grew

up slightly spoiled as my brothers often tell me even now as an adult. I suppose there are some

facts to back that claim. As the youngest and the only girl, I always had my own bedroom


whereas the brothers had to share a room. Also, I never had to wear hand-me-downs. This

likely contributed to my life-long preference for having my cake and eating it too. I am always

striving for more; always looking for a way to get everything that I desire.

My Grandma Mittl, my mother’s mom, spoiled me with attention. Whenever we drove

into Chicago to see her, she would make 4 or 5 different flavors of Jell-O for me just to make

sure that she had a flavor that I liked. I remember her apartment in Chicago being filled with so

many old things. There were postcards she received from her sons, my uncles, who served in the

Navy during World War II and were stationed in foreign countries, and old black and white

photographs of people I did not know. She would take the time to show me things, tell me

stories and explain who the people were in the photos. She was my favorite person in the world.

During the daytime her hair would be braided and wrapped around in a circle, pinned in a bun. It

was only at bedtime that I would see how long it was. During these times when she would stay

with us, she told me stories of growing up in Austria. As a teenage girl, she and her friends

I remember that she had very long hair;

down to her waist. There were times

when she would babysit my brothers

and me when my parents went on

vacation. When getting ready for bed,

she would bend from the waist and flip

her hair over her head and brush it out

over and over. Her hair was a beautiful

mixture of silvery gray and white.


would run from village to village through the woods to get to the dances that were held at various

places. She laughed as she told me how the girls would strip off their pantaloons from under

their dresses which restricted their legs when running. Of course their behavior was considered

to be indecent which why she laughed so as she told me her tales. However, she and her friends

loved music, dancing, and being around boys. As she told me these stories, I envisioned her long

hair flying behind her as she ran through the woods in a long, old-fashioned dress.

My grandmother almost did not come to America. Her father came here first and was

working as a chauffeur when he purchased a ticket to bring her older sister here. The family that

had employed him were looking for more help and he suggested his oldest daughter. However

the sister had fallen in love and wanted to stay in Austria to marry him. My grandmother came

her in her place, met my grandfather, married, and had seven children. My mother was the

youngest of the seven.

These are a few of the many stories I was told while growing up. I had many relatives

living in the City of Chicago whom I saw often. Both my parents were born and raised in

Chicago so I had frequent access to grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Understanding

where I came from has always been important to me. I cherish my relative’s stories. I am a

second generation American and recall my grandparents talking about “the old country” and

“coming over on the boat.” I have a love for my family’s history and I have attempted to capture

it on Ancestry.com where I am building our family tree. I have scanned many of the photos

found in my grandmother’s apartment after she passed. If I could lock myself away for an

extended period of time I could easily lose myself in researching our family history. My

husband and I hope to travel to the countries where are families are from some day.

Chapter II: War…what is it good for?


Just as my grandmother experienced the trials of war leaving Austria before it was

invaded and worried about her boys in WWII, growing up in the 1970’s during the Viet Nam

War was not idyllic. In this chapter I reflect on what it was like growing up during the Viet Nam

Era. My poignant memories still haunt me today.

I recall pictures reflecting death and destruction of the Viet Nam War on TV, and I recall

the lottery draft. My oldest brother Dennis is nine years older than I am, and I was nine years old

when he became eligible for the draft. I recall my mother in the kitchen preparing meals while

listening to the news on the radio. I had memorized my brother’s date of birth because I came to

understand that was how they designed the draft. They randomly selected dates of birth and all

young men born on a certain date were drafted into the army. This was often a topic of

conversation at dinner. Dennis would tell us of his high school friends whose birthdates were

called. He later told us stories of friends who were taken prisoner or killed in the war.

I wore a silver POW bracelet every day for

over a year with the name of a soldier

engraved on it, along with his date of capture

and date of birth. I recall praying for him by

name as often as I looked at the bracelet.

I also remember for years we had a stiff, square yellow cardboard sign with a blue star on

it that we displayed in our living room window. If I recall correctly, my mother explained the

reason for this practice in this way, “This tells the people who go by our home that our son is

okay.” Thankfully his birthdate was never called but memories of the war, my parent’s

emotions, the blue star, and his stories at dinner haunted me. I had a very negative opinion of the

military and of anyone involved in the military as a result. For most of my life, if I saw someone


in uniform, it scared me but I could not explain why. This is significant especially when my son

David told me he wanted to join the military.

David was 12 years old when he came home from school and informed me that he had

decided he wanted to be in the military, ride a motor cycle and smoke. He stated this in such a

matter-of-fact manner. I tried to hide the emotions that ran through me in that moment. I was

feeling both great fear and humor over his smoking comment since neither me nor any of our

family members were smokers. He later told me that he added the smoking part to make me

laugh because the look on my face scared him. Naturally I was terrified. I thought no child of

mine will ever be in the military! I hoped

over tine that he would lose interest. He

never did and it was not very long after

that David was awarded a college ROTC

scholarship and he decided to attend Point

Loma University in San Diego. In May,

2014 David was commissioned as an 1st

Lieutenant in the U.S. Army at Mount

Soledad in San Diego.

Given my experiences growing up and my fear of anything related to the military, it was

very difficult for me to see him make this life decision. I learned that my children are going to

make decisions which I cannot always control and may not approve of. Thankfully, this one

turned out to be a good choice for David. Over time, I saw how he benefitted from the structure

and the discipline as he matured into a man.


Unfortunately, as my children grew up my ex-husband chose not to keep in touch with

them therefore being raised by a single mother with two older sisters, David needed a strong,

male-dominated environment to learn things that I could not teach him. The Army taught him

discipline which he lacked and the male-dominated atmosphere helped shape his self-image of a

man. Also, through ROTC he met the most wonderful woman whom he married. I love Rose

tremendously; she is a wonderful addition to our family.

David now a 1st Lieutenant in the U.S. Army, 2nd Armored Brigade Combat Team, and

1st Cavalry Division. He recently returned home from a second rotation in South Korea. His

military involvement still scares me at times, however I am now more informed. When North

Korea was launching missiles, and Guam feared becoming a target, I obsessed over the news

coverage and listened to the BBC and NPR endlessly.

My childhood fear of all things related to the military changed. I now view men and

women who serve in the military very differently. Whereas I once experienced fear in the

presence of a soldier, I now feel comforted whenever I happen to cross paths with someone in

uniform in public. The colors, patterns, and heavy fabric of their uniforms are familiar to me

having once done David’s laundry. It is almost as if I am in my son’s presence even when he is

overseas.

Chapter III: The Parents

This chapter is all about my parents because who else has the greatest impact on us as

individuals other than our parents? My folks were the typical 1960’s suburban couple. Growing

up was like The Wonder Years meets Mad Men.


My father came home from work every day around 4:30 pm, pulled off his tie and suit

coat, and expected dinner on the table by 5:00 pm. He read the Chicago Tribune and sipped on a

cocktail while my mom finishing making dinner in the kitchen. He would say that intelligent

people read the Tribune and the Sun-Times was trash. I recall making hors d'oeuvres for him to

snack on while he waited for dinner like some kind of 7-year old cocktail waitress.

Dad would bring work home at night and process paperwork while watching shows on

TV such as the All in the Family, MASH, or The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. He used a

silver Ace Pilot stapler that made this delightfully satisfying crunch sound when stapling papers

together.

It was designed so that one could hit it with

the bottom of a fist and it would work really

well. I remember the sound of my father’s

fist pounding down on the stapler and the

thud impacting the solid maple wood table

where he sat working with many piles of

papers spread across the table before him.

My father’s work ethic rubbed off on me. I have always been a very hard worker; that

fact has been pointed out to me by more than one of my supervisors during my lifetime. I set

this example for my children who also have strong work ethics. My Dad’s chosen white-collar

profession also made an impression on me. I strived to create a career for myself rather than just

have a job most of my life. Last year I asked for an Ace Pilot stapler for Christmas. My oldest

daughter Lindsey found one on Etsy; I keep it on my desk to remind me of my Dad.


My mother was a stay-at-home mother most of my childhood. She spent her days

decorating our home, hosting cocktail parties for her and my father’s friends, and volunteering at

my grade school. She hosted “coffee clutches” where the neighborhood ladies would sit and

chat, drinking coffee, and eating pastries for what seemed like hours while the pre-school kids

played. My mother’s example of a stay-at-home mother influenced my desire to do the same

with my children. Growing up in an affluent county established lifestyle expectations for me.

Later in life when I was unable to maintain that standard, it created issues but it also motivated

me strongly to succeed in my chosen profession.

My father was a dominant force in our family. He controlled the money, paid the bills,

and lectured my mother whenever she spent money. They grocery shopped together every

Saturday morning, clipping and using coupons. He fixed things around the house, painted, and

did a lot of home improvement projects himself rather than paying someone else to do them. He

is a huge Chicago Cubs fan and often had a ball game playing on a transistor radio while he

worked around the house. I have vivid memories of hearing ballgames playing in the car as we

ran errands. Sports were always a big part of our lives. My brothers were athletic and as I got

older, I played on the girls’ softball and volleyball teams in school and through our park district.

Also, I am a die-hard Cubs fan today thanks to my father.


When they won the World Series in

2016, I was living in Southern California and

him in the Chicago area. Though there was a

two-hour time difference, and the game went

into extra innings, I called him at 1:00 am and

we cried tears of joy together over their

victory.

The influence my parents had on me is directly reflected in my second marriage. My

husband Jim is also very opinionated, controls the money, and insists we grocery shop at the

local Walmart and take advantage of their Savings Catcher Program. Jim graduated at the top of

his class in civil engineering at Purdue University and went on to get his MBA from there as

well. He held professional jobs throughout his career and retired early because he saved and

invested wisely throughout his life. I feel at times that I married someone who very closely

resembles my father right down to the love of the Chicago Cubs. Jim grew up in Indiana and

played sports his entire life. He particularly loves baseball. He and his family took vacations to

visit ballparks when he was a kid. He has followed professional sports his entire life, much like

my father.

Chapter IV: Coming to Jesus

In this chapter I tell the story of a significant event in my life that changed who I was

forever. Also in this chapter I capture many of my first leadership experiences and the mentors

who guided me during my formative years. Many of these mentors were only a part of my life

for a short period of time, yet had a big impact upon who I became as an adult.


At age 15 I had a religious experience that changed who I was for the rest of my life. I

was dating a boy by the name of John Zelinko. His family was Southern Baptist. They did not

want him to date me because I did not attend their church or view life in the same way they did.

Driven by my affection for him, I was determined to learn more about their faith. Eventually, it

changed the way I believed in God. I switched from the Catholic faith to an evangelical way of

believing and worshipping. This was a life-changing event for me. It completely changed who I

was and would become for the rest of my life. My faith is something that I have held on to with

deep commitment.

I pray non-stop every day for every reason

under the sun; it’s like a constant conversation

with God. He’s always there; always

listening. There have been times in my life

where I felt more in tune with Him and times

when I did not, but He has been an ever

present companion.

In 1978 I went on a mission trip to the U.K. with an organization called Teen Missions

during the summer of my 16th birthday. This was the first time I was ever outside of the United

States. It caused a great deal of worry for my mother and it led me to make some big decisions

for my life. When I came back from the U.K., I felt I needed a more stable home life for myself.

My parents had divorced and living with my mom became difficult. She was dating and went

out a lot at night. I was alone much of the time and I craved family life. Therefore, in 1979 I

moved in with my Dad, his new wife, and her two boys. I changed high schools at the beginning

of the 2nd semester of my junior year, made all new friends, and fulfilled the role of older sister.


This decision turned out to be a bad idea that I later regretted because the relationship I had with

my step-mother was not good. Additionally, starting over at a new high school the 2nd semester

of my junior year was hard. Everybody already had friends and established groups. I was alone

a lot of the time.

My Dad bought me a car and I got a job after school which allowed me to become more

independent. In 1979 I got involved in a work-study program through my high school called the

Office Education Association (OEA). While in the work-study program I could leave school at

noon, and work the rest of the day. I held a position of leadership in the group and recall

receiving the Student of the Year award through the program at our annual luncheon. This

experience reinforced my belief in myself. The OEA program gave me a start to an

administrative career. I held administrative assistant jobs for a long time and eventually worked

my way up to office manager. This was important later in life when I had to provide for myself

and my kids as a single mother. The skills I developed working in administrative roles have

benefitted me throughout my entire professional life. Little things such as my typing speed and

understanding of how to format documents has paid off as a college student and a HR

professional.

The adults at the CPA firm where I worked in high school affirmed my sense of identity

and intelligence. I felt respected for the first time. The office manager, Lorraine O’Brien and

OEA Coordinator and teacher, Sharon Presley were big influences on me at the time. I think

they saw potential in me and a recognized a lack of parental involvement. Lorraine became my

first mentor and through our regular lunches, shaped a lot of who I was and where I wanted to go

in life. We talked a lot about her family, her marriage, her kids. She encouraged me to take

college entrance exams and prepare to go to college. She helped me to see that I could rely on


myself and that I was much stronger than I thought I could ever be. I felt like she filled in a gap

that my mother left unfilled.

I remained actively involved in my church and our youth group. I became a youth group

leader as well as in a Christian group at school called SALT which was a program through Youth

for Christ. The greatest influencers at the time were my youth group leaders and the SALT

leaders (a young couple attending Wheaton College). Every Tuesday, the SALT teams from

various high schools would get together and have competitions that were incredibly fun. There

would be hundreds of high school kids from all over DuPage County gathering under the lights

on one of the high school football fields. My high school and our SALT team was relatively

small so we never won any of the team competitions but it was a lot of fun trying. Our SALT

team was called Mustard. I remember one Tuesday night we had to make up a cheer for our

team. I came up with “Catch-Up to Mustard!” Everyone loved it and our team yelled it out as

loud as possible to the other teams.

Being a team leader in SALT helped me to develop leadership skills that I have used

throughout my life. I recognized early on that kids younger than me were looking up to me as an

example, therefore I had a responsibility to be a good one. This same concept comes to mind as

a HR professional. Employees are looking to me for clues about how to behave in the

workplace. I have an obligation to be a good role model for them as well.

Things were still bad at home, however. If I went out in the evening, my step-mother

locked the door at midnight and I was never allowed to have keys. I once returned home one

minute past midnight and got locked out of the house the whole night. I even tossed rocks at

their bedroom window hoping they would get up and let me in. I was resentful of my step-


mother’s discipline. I was a good kid and she treated me like a criminal. I felt her discipline was

heavy-handed and underscored my belief that she and my father had no idea who I really was.

That was when I decided to pack up the things from my childhood that I knew I would

not be bringing with me to college and took everything to my Mom’s. She understood that I

would be going off to college and I did not want to leave my personal belongings at my Dad and

step mother’s house. My step-mother had already violated my privacy by taking my diary and

reading it. She also took all of my high school graduation photos claiming they belonged to my

father, not me.

Unfortunately, my mom could not get a well-paying job with only a high school

education. She lost the apartment, packed all our stuff into a storage locker which eventually she

failed to keep current and everything I owned, other than what fit into half a dorm room was

gone. All my cherished childhood items were gone. I recall a tremendous sense of loss. I

remember committing to myself that I would get my college education so that I would never be

in my mom’s situation being unable able provide for myself.

It is interesting, and sad, how many of the same fates my mom experienced repeated

themselves in my lifetime. She and father divorced; my first husband and I divorced. She did

not get an education beyond high school and I….well, for most of my life did not have an

education beyond high school. There are greater similarities that I discuss in my other life

chapters; stories of great loss that both my mom and I share.

Many of my life experiences in high school contributed to my interest in leadership. This

is a new discovery for me. Before writing this paper, I would not have recalled the many ways

in which I held leadership positions as a teenager.


Chapter V: The College Years…the first time around

Having a difficult home life motivated me to focus on college. I could not wait to move

out of my father’s house. In this chapter, I tell my story of college life; the first time around. I

made decisions during this time that affected the rest of my life; many of which I regret.

Completing high school and moving on to college became my obsession. I went from a

C/D student to getting all A’s. It was 1980, I was not yet 18 but I felt as though I was preparing

for adulthood. From 1980 to 1982 I attended Olivet Nazarene College in Kankakee, Illinois,

located about a 1-1/2 hours from home. I was

studying both business and psychology not

knowing what I might want to do with my

degree from a career perspective.

I was making decisions for my life such as what I wanted to major in, who to date, & caring for

myself when I was ill. I felt like I grew up significantly that first year of college living away

from anyone I knew.

The second week of college I met Jerry Clark. A 6’10” freshman, center of the basketball

team, attending college on a full-ride scholarship; I was in love. The maturing that I did my

freshman year was palpable. I was no longer living amongst children as I was in high school; I

was now spending time with young adults who were talking about their careers and were getting

engaged. It was an entirely different atmosphere for me. I met Jerry Clark and thought he was

the right one for me.

However, while attending Olivet, I felt homeless. Whenever there was a break in the

school schedule, I did not have a home to go to. My mom moved in with a boyfriend whom I


barely knew, and my step-mother made life unbearable at my Dad's and her drinking was getting

worse. I recall a time when I called home for some reason and learned that my step-mother had

our dog euthanized. This was the dog that I grew up with as a child. He was extremely loved

and I was not given a chance to say goodbye to him. That phone call was one of the most

emotionally-charged calls I have ever had. I was hysterical that they put my dog to sleep and

could not wait even one week for me to come home on a weekend to say goodbye to him. My

resentment towards my step-mother was off the charts at this point. For many years after this, I

refused to visit my father unless he could be somewhere without her present. My distress over

my home situation led me to make some bad decisions for my life.

It didn't seem to occur to my parents that I faced a homeless dilemma. As a result, it

made me take charge of my life. I made decisions that I thought were correct ones in the

moment but turned out to be wrong in the long run. My boyfriend Jerry and I withdrew from

Olivet, got jobs and rented an apartment. We worked full-time and attended classes part-time at

Elmhurst College. Jerry had worked for the College over the summers and knew that full-time

employees could attend school for free. At Elmhurst I took a course called Industrial &

Organizational Psychology. This was the closest I ever came to studying HR while in school,

however it was enough for me to learn that I love the combination of business and psychology.

Once I figured out what human resources was, I was hooked. It became my life’s passion.

However, continuing on with college was not going to happen at this point. Jerry’s

parents, as conservative Christians, did not like the fact that we were living together and were not

married. We got married in 1983 mostly due to the pressure we felt over our living arrangement.

My first college experience was not ideal for reasons beyond my control. As a result of

these circumstances, I did not complete my college education and went through the majority of


my lifetime without having a degree. This proved to be challenge for me every time I attempted

to secure employment. I would frequently be turned away from jobs because I did not meet the

qualifications they were looking for. Looking back, I should never have dropped out of school

and married Jerry. We eventually divorced but I am thankful for the children that I have as a

result of that relationship. In this next chapter, I talk about my children.

Chapter VI: The Darkest Days

I always thought that I would make a great mom. While in high school and in college, I

took several parenting classes determined not to make the same mistakes I felt my parents made.

When I became pregnant with my first child, I felt completely ready to be a mother. What my

coursework did not teach me is how to handle the heartache when things go wrong.

Our first daughter Lindsey was born 2 months premature at 4 pounds, 6 ounces on

November 13, 1984. She remained in the neo-natal intensive care unit for 3 weeks, and in the

hospital for 1 more week before coming home. Our hospital bills exceeded $200,000. I had to

quit work to care for her; she ate every 2 hours day and night. The lack of sleep caused

significant issues for me and a tremendous strain on our marriage. In addition, my mother

moved in with us to help care for Lindsey which added to our issues. I recall praying for

Lindsey the day she was born. The doctors told us that her lungs were not fully-developed and

she might have respiratory problems for the rest of her life. I was 21 years old facing serious life

and death circumstances with my child. Unfortunately, this would not be the only time I had to

deal with life and death circumstances with one of my children. However I had a feeling of

peace and remained fully-confident throughout the months she was in the hospital that she would

be fine.


Lindsey caught up to her peers within six months and grew up with a love of music. She

inherited her grandmother’s beautiful soprano voice. Her lungs are strong and healthy, and she

has sung her way through life. Having Lindsey

has been one of the greatest things that has ever

happened to me. She has been a source of

tremendous joy in my life. I loved every minute

raising her as a little girl, and now as an adult,

she is my best friend. We share the same

profession and “get” each other’s “HR drama”

stories. She’s the first one that I want to call

when I need someone to talk to about an issue at

work. She is a lovely person and I could not be

prouder of her.

Jerry and I were still taking classes at Elmhurst College part-time when Lindsey was

born. My grades suffered because it was all too much for me. I dropped out and promised

myself that I would finish my degree later. It would be 31 years, before I went back. It was

2015 when I applied to ASU and was finally able to complete my degree.

I learned during my second pregnancy that my changing body created issues for Jerry. I

eventually learned of his intolerance for overweight women even if the issue was related to

pregnancy. He began associating with a lot of female college students and ended up in a

relationship with one of them. I was unaware of this relationship until later.

I gave birth to Leah in 1986; two years after Lindsey was born. After a short few weeks

off, I returned to work and my mother cared for both daughters. I loved our little family and


appreciated my mother’s devotion and loving care for my children. I was able to have a career,

provide for my family and not worry about my kids. She was incredibly generous with her time

and her resources. I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to her.

Leah grew up to be a free-spirited kind of person.

I believe that is due to my mom’s influence on her. She

is very creative and artistic. Her love of animals led her

to study equine science in college. She now works for

the Humane Society of Rochester, NY working with

abused or abandoned horses training them for new roles

and adoption. She and her husband Mike have been

married for almost three years and plan to start a family

soon.

It sometimes feels like Leah is my body-double. She looks a lot like me when I was her

age and our physical attributes are very similar. She played sports while in school and has the

same love for competition that I share. Our personalities are similar in that we are generally

always happy. We can get high on life for no particular reason. We are also both fairly

emotional. When telling stories, we get wordy, talk with our hands, and at least speaking for

myself, I can get rather loud. The louder the story-telling, the better the story! That’s a result of

my loud, Polish relatives. I could reflect on my love for my kids forever, but this paper must

conclude at some point. So onward we go...recall if you will that I titled this chapter, The

Darkest Days.

When Leah was 2 or 3 years old I learned that Jerry was cheating on me and through our

arguments, discovered that it had not been the first time. I began to realize that my marriage to


Jerry was doomed to fail. Not long after this Jerry got in trouble at work and was fired. He was

depressed and did not work for at least a year. I found myself the sole provider for three adults

and two children. I remember thinking to myself, “What do I need him for?” and I gave him an

ultimatum. As far as I was concerned, I could continue to work supporting the kids, myself and

my Mom but if he wasn’t going to contribute, he could leave. I saw no benefit to continuing the

marriage. He did not want to lose his family therefore he straightened up. He got a job working

for a dealership selling BMW’s. He had found his niche. He had always loved cars and worked

on them in high school. Driving and selling BMWs became his identity.

Ironically, my son David has a passion for BMWs as well. Recently on a two-week

European vacation, he and his wife Rose visited Germany and his number one priority was to

tour the BMW factory, and rent a BMW and drive on the autobahn. He later told me that he took

the rented BMW 6 Series to 160 miles per hour. His passion for BMWs I feel is ironic because

Jerry’s influence is a part of David even though in reality they have spent very little time

together. After the divorce, Jerry moved to Florida and had very little to no contact with his

children over the years. It might also be Jerry’s influence working through me. It is a fact that

David’s first car was a little red BMW 3 Series that I bought used for him to drive to school. I

taught him how to operate the manual transmission in the nearby community college parking lot.

It was probably the most “fatherly” thing I did for him as a single mother. This is one of several

digressions I make in this narrative as I look at the connections that exist in my life; so back to

my story.

Jerry did very well selling BMWs and our lives became much more comfortable.

Through a lot of hard work, we mended our marriage; at least for a period of time. We attended

church, Jerry spent time with the girls, we had friends, and as Lindsey reached school age, we


decided that I should quit my job and homeschool the girls. This was probably the best time in

our marriage. Things were going well and we decided to try for a son. I soon became pregnant

for the third time and David was born in 1991. I recall how proud Jerry was to have a son and he

showed him off at work like a prized trophy. The life lesson I experienced was to forgive even

when you do not feel like it. For the sake of my children, I had decided to make our marriage

work.

Soon our little family was bigger than what our townhouse could contain. We began to

save up for a down payment on a single-family home. It took a couple of years but eventually

we scraped together a decent sum of money plus my Dad helped us out. When David was still in

diapers, maybe 2 years old, we purchased a home in Wheaton, Illinois. It was an older home that

needed repair however, Jerry was handy and was willing to do the work. It was our first house,

the kids had a yard to play in, and I was thrilled. I didn’t mind that every room needed

remodeling; we had a house. I continued to homeschool and made friends in the neighborhood

and throughout Wheaton who were also homeschoolers.

Homeschooling became very much a part of my self-image at the time. The culture had a

great effect on my children’s self-images as well. Our home in Wheaton became our sanctuary.

Feeling so safe and secure, we never locked the doors except for when we went to bed at night.

This is a contrast to how I was locked out of my home as a teenager. The kids and I spent a great

deal of time in the kitchen cooking, canning, homeschooling, talking, laughing, dancing, and

engaging in more than one water fight. My children and I built the tightest bonds one could

possibly imagine. These very close relationships helped us to survive the worst turn of events

imaginable.


I often talked about fixing up the

Wheaton house, selling it for a

profit, and moving into something

larger and nicer. Unfortunately,

Jerry did not see the dream the

same way. He began working long

hours at the dealership, coming

home late, and not spending time

with the kids. I recognized that our marriage was fading fast. I tried hard to put things back

together and in my efforts I became pregnant. Unlike the other pregnancies, this one was

unplanned for. Given the state of my marriage, I was not sure having another child was wise but

as a Christian, I did not even think about ending the pregnancy; abortion was never an option.

During that pregnancy, again, for the third time, Jerry became involved with someone

else. I suspected it for several months however it was a while before I confronted him. Jonathan

Michael Clark was born on January 18, 1994. I could not confront Jerry with my suspicions

because six weeks after he was born, Jonathan became seriously ill with respiratory syncytial

virus (RSV) pneumonia. He was intubated and in intensive care for six weeks. During his

hospitalization, I would homeschool my kids in the mornings and drop them off with a neighbor

who also homeschooled and spent my afternoons every day with Jonathan. Jerry visited

Jonathan maybe three times over the six weeks he was in intensive care. The medical staff often

asked where my husband was; I never could come up with a good answer.

The medical team treated Jonathan’s pneumonia and he had actually recovered from the

virus, however whenever they attempted to extubate him, he would hold his breath and clamp


down so hard, he eventually ruptured an aorta and bled out. The top pediatric surgeon could not

save his life. I recall the day we got the phone call from the hospital. They told us that Jonathan

may not make it and to come to the hospital immediately. Jerry told me that he needed to stop

off at work first before going to the hospital. I was incredulous. I suspected he had being having

an affair, but to prioritize going to work which was at least 30 minutes in the opposite direction

of the hospital after receiving such a phone call was unforgivable.

I reached out to a neighbor asking her to stay with the kids, and I took off for the hospital.

On April 15, 1994, approximately 12 weeks after he was born, I learned alone that Jonathan had

died. Later when my husband arrived, they took us both into a room where the doctors explained

what had happened.

I mentioned earlier how my mother experienced things that have repeated themselves in

my lifetime. I also stated that I had two older brothers, Dennis and Douglas. Actually, I had a

third brother by the name of Brian, however he passed away before I was born. My mother told

me what had happened to Brian when I was old enough to understand. My Uncle Danny had

been living with my Mom and Dad at the time because he was having issues with my

Grandmother. It was on a Saturday that my Mom and Dad left Danny to babysit while they went

grocery shopping. When they came home, Brian had passed away. My Mom said that it was

due to sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Danny had a very difficult time dealing with

Brian’s death and it caused him emotional and psychological problems for the rest of his life.

On our way to Jonathan’s funeral, David picked up a rock from our driveway as he was

climbing in to the minivan. At the funeral home, we stood before the casket as a family; David

in Jerry’s arms. David asked us to give Jonathan his rock. We tucked it into the front pocket of

Jonathan’s blue Oshkosh overalls with the little airplane pattern. It remains in his pocket even


now in his grave. In the Old Testament, the Bible tells of the close friendship between David

and Jonathan. Our David was only 3 years old at the time and could hardly understand the

significance but as the story goes, it was David’s rock that killed the giant Goliath. My son

David; the warrior and soldier. I can no longer read that story without being reminded of my

boys. We buried Jonathan, rock in pocket, in the Wheaton cemetery where he could be close to

home.

Reflecting on this time in my life is always very difficult. My mother was unusually

absent throughout Jonathan’s illness and hospitalization. We never talked about it but I wonder

how much she was re-experiencing her own grief over losing Brian. I know that even after 23

years, I can still cry over Jonathan’s death. I do not think that a mother ever really heals from the

loss of a child. I am not sure what, if any, life lessons can be gleaned from this unusual

coincidence.

When I see how close my children are now as adults, I wish Jonathan were a part of the

picture. One thing I learned is that I could probably survive anything. I experienced the death of

a child and the confirmed that my husband was having an affair in the same month. I learned

exactly where my emotional bottom was. I seriously contemplated suicide. The pain was so

tremendous that I just needed relief. However, thinking about my three surviving children and

how much they needed me kept me from taking my life. My next story is one of victory. Much

of my strength when facing future life challenges came from knowing that I had already faced

the worst, and survived.


Chapter VII: Hello Career Woman!

This chapter focuses on what happened after Jonathan’s death and how I rebuilt my life.

I share events of resilience and victory, and how I came into my own. Again, there are

characters in this story that make brief appearances yet have significant impact. In this chapter

of my life story, I explore my journey to become the HR professional that I am today.

It was not long after Jonathan’s funeral that I kicked Jerry out of the house and filed for a

divorce. Abandoned by their father, I sensed that my kids needed me to continue homeschooling

to maintain some kind of normality. Therefore, in 1997 I began a daycare business out of my

home to provide some form of income as Jerry was not paying child support. I did this for

several years until I felt my kids were emotionally-stable enough to attend a public school.

In 2001 I closed my successful daycare business and put my kids in the public school.

Jim, then my boyfriend, tutored me on the many software applications that had become widely

used while I was a stay-at-home mom. I utilized the office management skills I had developed

when I was younger to market myself. I got hired at AIMCO as an Office Manager where I

worked closely with the HR Director. I picked up on the duties of her job quickly and eventually

when she moved into a training role, I was promoted into her former job. Without any HR

experience, in 2005 I landed one of the biggest jobs of my career. My confidence soared, that is

until I attended a business meeting in Phoenix, AZ.

During the meeting in Phoenix, Jim Purvis, VP of HR announced that all HR personnel

must obtain a professional PHR certification within the next 12 months or they will be shown the

door. I had just been promoted to my first HR role. As a single mom and sole provider for my

three children, I could not afford to lose my job. My ex-husband was not paying child support


and I was running out of time and money to chase him for it. At that point in time I was earning

$90,000 a year without a college degree; there was no way I could earn that kind of money

elsewhere. I left the meeting in tears and sobbed in my hotel room. My fears got the best of me.

I thought about how as a teenager going off to college, I told myself I would not allow myself to

be in the same situation as my mother; divorced with no education beyond high school, unable to

support myself. Yet there I was, no college education, divorced, just like my mom. However,

overnight I remembered that I had already faced the worst thing life could throw at me and I

decided that I could do this. I would get my PHR and hold on to my job. I owed that to my

children.

Kelly Clarkson recorded a song called Stronger that always comes to mind whenever I

think about the business meeting in Arizona. It goes something like this: “What doesn't kill you

makes you stronger, stand a little taller. Thanks to you I got a new thing started. Thanks to you

I'm not the broken-hearted. Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me. What doesn't kill you

makes a fighter, footsteps even lighter” (Elofsson, Gamson, Kurstin, & Tamposi, 2012). This

became my personal victory song. Victory over people like Jim Purvis, the VP of HR who

threatened to take away my livelihood; over my ex-husband who cheated on me and abandoned

us physically, emotionally and financially after Jonathan’s death; and over my step-mother who

tried to destroy me as a teenager. In 2013, Lindsey and I had the privilege to attend a SHRM

Conference in Chicago where Kelly Clarkson performed Stronger in the evening. It took all my

strength to keep the tears from rolling down my cheeks as I reflected on what that song

represented for me.

In January, 2004 I enrolled in PHR preparatory classes that met one night a week at a

local college. Over the next five months I studied endlessly in preparation for the very


challenging, professionally-proctored PHR exam. I recall the day I sat for the exam. I drove into

Chicago and entered a high-rise office building. The environment in which Prometric

administered the exam was highly-controlled and had a sterile feeling. I was instructed to place

my purse and all other belongings in a locker. I was given a limited amount of time to take the

test and though I would not receive my scores until weeks later, I would be told whether or not I

passed that day. I sweated out 175 questions until I worked my way through to the end as the

clock ticked down the minutes and seconds that remained. I hesitated a moment before clicking

on the final submit button. Tears ran down my cheeks as I read the words PASSED in the

middle of the screen. I stared at the screen for several minutes before getting up to leave. I had

done it. Kelly was singing in my head as I descended the steps of the old office building in

Chicago towards the sidewalk.

I called Jim to tell him and began sobbing. He thought I failed the exam; it took the

longest time to bring myself under control and tell him I was crying tears of joy. I was the first

of the 56 HR reps in the company to obtain my PHR certification. Several quit and found

employment elsewhere rather than attempt to pass the well-known, extremely difficult exam.

This was the first of three professional certifications I would obtain during my career. Because I

did not have a Bachelor’s degree, these became my professional credentials when seeking

employment. They were all I had and they served me well. I learned the value of a protean

career (Harrington & Hall, 2007).

I am currently attempting to achieve another HR certification; one that focuses on HR in

the public sector. I have made a job change and as a government worker, I am learning how to

apply my skills in a new form of organization. This has been challenging however my passion


for HR work is never-ending. Just like I faced other challenges in my life head-on, I will do the

same with this one.

Chapter VIII: Jim - My Rock

In this chapter, I start with what seems to be a tremendous loss but the end of the story

will have you smiling, I promise. In this story I feel the hand of God aligning every

circumstance and timing everything in my life and my children’s perfectly. My husband Jim is

the main character of this story. He is my knight in shining armor, rescuing me from a turbulent

life taking me to an oasis in the desert. This story starts where the previous one leaves off with

me discussing my career.

My career progressed through various ups and downs. One of the downs hit in the

middle of the recession when I was laid off from a job following the sale of the business. I used

up every dollar I had in savings and my 401(k) but in the end lost our beloved Wheaton house to

foreclosure.

Although it was difficult to lose the house, the timing was somewhat miraculous from my

kids' perspective. Lindsey had graduated from Purdue and moved into an apartment with a

friend. Leah had graduated from Southern Illinois University, had been accepted into a two-

year, post-graduate program, and was about to start an adventure that took her all around the

world. David was just a year away from going to college in San Diego on his ROTC

scholarship. They were moving on to their adult lives and had plans for the future. I, on the

other hand, was broke.

I sold all of my furniture, including Grandma Mittl’s foot-pump Singer sewing machine

and the steamer trunks she brought over on the boat from the old country to pay our bills, which I


regret terribly. David and I then moved into Jim’s townhouse leaving behind the Wheaton home

and my charming garden which I had tended to for 18 years. Jim had been talking seriously

about retiring from BP/Amoco at the end of 2012 and we had decided to move to Southern

California. I probably would never have been able to sell my home and leave the kids to go with

Jim to California had the foreclosure not have occurred. The timing of everything, the kids’

moving on to new adventures, Jim’s retirement, even the foreclosure was God’s hand working in

our lives.

It was an exciting time for us. We were building a new home and planning our move

across the country. Thinking about our California house became my obsession. Whenever I was

down, or missed living in the Wheaton house with my kids, I thought about it. The California

house became my mental “happy place.” We closed on the new house in 2012 and I secured a

HR job in Palm Springs.

My life in California became much more stable. Jim and I were extremely happy living

in our new home. I no longer worried about our finances since he managed them. We were

secure and looked forward to a good future together. Our first grandchild was born on April 15,


2014. This seemed a little eerie to me as it was the same date that Jonathan had died 20 years

earlier however that was soon forgotten and our love and pride in Tyler took over.

On November 18, 2014, Jim and I got married. Our wedding was at a Four Seasons

resort in Punta Mita Mexico. We were married on a rock that overlooked the ocean with the

waves crashing into the rocks beneath us. We were by ourselves, no family in attendance, no big

white wedding. It was incredibly romantic. We spent the next week at the resort for our

honeymoon. I felt like a princess. My life with Jim has been like a dream. We own a beautiful

home, live in a place where there is great weather, and we have the financial freedom to pursue

our own interests. That includes completing my college education.

For years I experienced recurring dreams that I was walking around a college campus or

a classroom holding books in my hands knowing that I was supposed to be in class, but I kept

forgetting to go, or I would get lost. I would wake up from one of these dreams feeling so

depressed. It had been a life-long goal of mine to finish my college education. In the summer of

2015, I enrolled at Arizona State University and announced to my family that I was returning to

college to complete my degree. It raised more than a few eyebrows after all I was 53 years old at

the time. I did not care, I enrolled at ASU and transferred as many of my college courses that I

could from Olivet and Elmhurst College. It excites me to know that I am very close to

graduating and crossing this off my bucket list. I no longer have those dreams any more either.

In this paper I shared stories that illustrated my most significant life experiences; the ones

that make me who I am. Throughout the paper I reflected on my experiences and drew

connections where I saw them. Overall, I feel that I have gone through the major life events in

all the wrong order. Most people complete their education, get married, have kids, buy a house

and then retire. My decisions were not always good ones leading me down paths that turned out


to be wrong. Regardless of how I got here, I learned that I can face anything, although it might

hurt for a time. I saw how my mother in particular gave so much of herself to me and my

children. It is my responsibility to pay that forward to others. I recognized how God had a plan

in mind for me; one that included love and security. These are the very things that I lacked

earlier in my life. He gave me my husband and a new life for which I am very thankful.

I do not think that I will include this paper in my e-portfolio because of its length and due

to the very personal nature of the content. If I share my e-portfolio with others, I am not

comfortable that everyone will understand my perspective and may take offense to my some of

the things I have written. For example, I am sure my husband would not like how I compared

him to my father.

There are many recurring themes in my paper. The rocks I threw at my father’s bedroom

window, David placing a rock in Jonathan’s pocket, the rock I stood upon when I married Jim,

and referring to Jim as my rock because he brought me stability. The greatest amongst them

being how God is my rock and my foundation. Psalm 40:2 says "[God] lifted me out of the

slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet upon a rock and gave me a firm place to

stand." Amen.

References

Elofsson, J., Gamson, D., Kurstin, G., and Tamposi, A. (2012, January 17). Stronger (what

doesn’t kill you) [Recorded by Kelly Clarkson]. On Stronger [digital format]. Los

Angeles, CA: RCA Records. (February, 2011)

Harrington, B., & Hall, D.T. (2007). Career management & work-life integration: Using self-


assessment to navigate contemporary careers. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications,

Inc.

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