meditation and budhism

“Buddhist Mediation: A Transformative Approach To Conflict Resolution”

Submitted by

Helena Suk Yee Yuen

For the degree of Doctor of Philosophy At the University of Hong Kong

In May 2008

Abstract of thesis entitled

“Buddhist Mediation: A Transformative Approach

To Conflict Resolution”

Submitted by

Helena Suk Yee Yuen

For the degree of Doctor of Philosophy

At the University of Hong Kong

In May 2008

The course of “Buddhist Mediation” (“BM”) has been taught at the Centre of

Buddhist Studies, University of Hong Kong since 2002 as “a model of conflict

resolution which reflects the Mahayana ideal of the practice of the Way of

Bodhichitta of benefiting oneself and others in being able to resolve conflicts for

oneself and for others and learn about the process of change and transformation

through applications of the model.”

As the teacher of the above course, the researcher has demonstrated how the

theories of the five aggregates (pancakkhandha) and the 12 links of the Chain of

Dependent Origination (paticcasamuppada) (“12 links”) form the basis of a new

model of reframing as a distinctive feature of BM. The theory and practice of this

new model of reframing is developed by using a mixed methodology of data analysis

of the following:

(1) Process Research on three case studies from family mediation sessions

and

(2) Discourse Analysis of the journals and role plays of seven students

from the BM course in year 2006-2007.

This thesis will illustrate by case and discourse analysis,

(1) the theoretical framework for BM as a transformative approach to

conflict resolution through integrating the classical theory of the 12

links and the process of mediation, and

(2) the new model of reframing by adapting the classical theory of

Buddhism on how to deconstruct the “self” by the five aggregates as a

way to teach and apply the basic skills in BM.

By integrating solution-focused brief therapy technique into the mediation

process, the practice of the BM Model is based on the constructivist paradigm. As

opposed to the medical model of the modernist approach which places the therapist

as expert over the client’s problem, in the solution-focused model, the clients’

problems are viewed as “a function of their current definitions of reality rather than

something that is objectively knowable” (Dejong & Kim Berg, 1998, p.228), and the

clients’ frame of reference is respected by the therapist who takes the posture of

not-knowing and allowing the clients to be the experts in resolving their own

problem. In Buddhist theories and practices, the parallel of the posture of

not-knowing can be drawn from the concept of skillful understanding

(yoniso-mansikara) which is rooted in right mindfulness (sammasati), the seventh

link in the Eightfold Noble Path.

In the context of conflict resolution, by practicing right mindfulness and skillful

understanding, the cessation of conflict and affliction under the 12 links process can

be achieved with the transformative effect of eliminating the three poisons: the

elements of greed (lobha), hate (dosa) and delusion (moha), which are the

unwholesome roots of action (akusala-mula) found in all conflicts (McConnell,

1995).

By demonstrating the above, this thesis will contribute to existing knowledge in

the clinical practice and theory of (a) reframing as a mediation technique, (b) the

therapeutic process of change and (c) the process of transformation under the12

links.

(482 words)

Signed:___________________________

BUDDHIST MEDIATION :

A TRANSFORMATIVE APPROACH TO

CONFLICT RESOLUTION

by

HELENA SUK YEE YUEN LL.B, London School of Economics and Political Science, University

of London,

M. A., Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, USA.

A thesis submitted in fulfillment of the requirements for

the degree of Doctor of Philosophy

at the University of Hong Kong.

May, 2008

Gyatso, T. (the Dalai Lama) & Hopkins, J.(2000) The Meaning of Life. Wisdom Publications : Boston

This thesis is dedicated to all my students

at the Chi Lin Nunnery and the Centre of Buddhist Studies, the University of Hong Kong.

Undertaking this and leaving that,

Enter into the teaching of the Buddha.

Like an elephant in a thatch house,

Destroy the forces of the Lord of Death,

Those who with thorough conscientiousness

Practice this disciplinary doctrine

Will forsake the wheel of birth,

Bringing suffering to an end.

The Buddha on The wheel of cyclic existence with six sectors (p.43)

i

DECLARATION

I declare that this thesis represents my own words, except where due

acknowledgment is made, and that it has not been previously included in a thesis,

dissertation or report submitted to this University or to any other institutions for a

degree, diploma or other qualifications.

Signed:___________________________

Helena Suk Yee Yuen

ii

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

My most heartfelt gratitude must firstly be given to my two supervisors Dr.

Wai-yung Lee, Director of the Family Institute and Ven. Jing Yin, Director of the

Centre of Buddhist Studies for their support and guidance throughout the period of

my Ph. D studies. Dr. Lee is the most influential teacher in my learning about the

therapeutic process of change and Ven. Jing Yin gives me a chance to practice what I

have learned at the Centre of Buddhist Studies.

I must thank Ms. Nancy Matela who inspired me to do the mediation training in

USA in 1994 and for her assistance in giving me comments on my thesis writing. I

thank Ms. Petra Kwan for editing the final thesis. I am also indebted to Ms. Judy

Wong for giving me invaluable input in the methodology chapter.

I am most grateful to my peer reviewers, Ms. Lilian Yue, an accredited mediator

and family therapist graduate of the Family Institute and Ven. Sik Hin Hung, an

accredited mediator and faculty member of the Centre of Buddhist Studies for their

time and effort in working with me on the data analysis and the theoretical

framework of the BM Model respectively.

I must thank my students of the Buddhist Mediation course in 2006-2007 for

collaborating with me as my co-inquirers in this research and for giving me consent

to use the materials they submitted to me as part of the data for analysis.

Lastly, I hereby give my acknowledgment to the Centre on Behavioral Health

for their consent to use the transcripts of the family mediation cases that I conducted

under the joint research project with Tsinghua University in 2003 and to Prof. Cecilia

Chan, the Director of the Centre for making the project happen and facilitating in

creating this thesis.

iii

CONTENTS

DECLARATION i

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS ii

TABLE OF CONTENTS iii

CHAPTER 1 INTRODUCTION 1

1.1 Introduction

1.2 Objectives of Research 1.2.1 The present research aims

1.2.2 Reasons for Research

CHAPTER 2 LITERATURE REVIEW 10

2.1 Basic concept and principles of mediation and Buddhism

2.2 The process of transformation and conflict resolution 2.2.1 The process of transformation

2.2.2 The theory of conflict resolution

2.2.2.1 Background theory

2.2.2.2 Recent development on the theory of change process

2.3 Reframing and mediation skills and strategies 2.3.1 Frames in the context of mediation

2.3.2 Reframing as a mediation and therapeutic technique

2.3.3 Solution-focused interviewing and questioning skills

2.3.4 Mediation hypothesis and strategies

2.3.5 Recent research on reframing

CHAPTER 3 THEORETICAL FRAMEWORK OF 28

BUDDHIST MEDIATION (“BM”)

iv

3.1 Buddhist world view

3.2 Constructivist world view

3.3 The fundamental basis of the BM Model

3.4 The twelve links of dependent-arising of origination (“12 links”)

3.5 The five aggregates

3.6 The relationship between the five aggregates and the12 links

3.7 The Five Aggregates Reframing Model (“Five ARM”)

CHAPTER 4 RESEARCH METHODOLOGY 42

4.1 Process Research 4.1.1 Conceptual framework on process research

4.1.1.1 A universal change process

4.1.1.2 Task analysis approach

4.1.2 Sampling method

4.1.2.1 Purposive sampling,

4.1.2.2 The demographic characteristics of the sample group

4.1.3 Method of Data analysis

4.1.3.1 Coding method

4.1.3.2 Measurement of outcome

4.1.3.3 Reflexivity and reliability

4.2 Discourse Analysis 4.2.1 Constructivist world view

4.2.1.1 Foucault’s theory on Discourses

4.2.2 Level of Discourse Analysis

4.2.2.1 Research questions

4.2.2.2 Sampling method

4.2.2.3 Method of data analysis

v

4.2.3 Reflexivity of the researcher

CHAPTER 5 DATA ANALYSIS BY PROCESS 62

RESEARCH

5.1 Case 1

5.2 Case 2

5.3 Case 3

CHAPTER 6 DISCOURSE ANALYSIS 230

6.1 Essay 1 (Role Play 1)



6.4 Essay 4

6.5 Essay 5

6.6 Essay 6

6.7 Essay 7

CHAPTER 7 RESULTS 351

7.1 Results of the Process Research on the 3 Cases 7.1.1 Stage One

7.1.2 Stage Two

7.1.3 Stage Three

7.2 Results of the Discourse Analysis on the 7 Essays 7.2.1 Comparative Analysis of the 7 Essays

7.2.2 Research Question 1



CHAPTER 8 COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS 397

8.1 The BM Model compared to the 3 Stages of Helping

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8.2 Hypothesis of the BM Model and the Five ARM

8.3 Comparative analysis on the 3 Cases 8.3.1 Stage One

8.3.2 Stage Two

8.3.3 Stage Three

8.3.4 Conclusions to the comparative analysis of the 3 Cases

8.4 Summary of the Results of the Process Research of the 3 Cases 8.4.1 Validation of the Hypothesis of the BM Model by referring to the Rice

Seedling Sutra on the 12 links process

CHAPTER 9 DISCOURSE ANALYSIS – 424

VALIDATION of HYPOTHESES of

BM Model and FIVE ARM

9.1 Modification to the theory and practice of the BM Model and the

Five ARM

9.2 Validation of the BM Model and the Five ARM

9.3 Hypotheses from Research Questions 1, 2 & 3 (See Diagram F

of Appendix) 9.3.1 Research Question 1



9.3.4 To Validate or Modify Hypotheses 1, 2 & 3

CHAPTER 10 CONCLUSIONS TO THE THESIS 441

10.1 Mindfulness 10.1.1 Buddhist theory of the Mind

10.1.2 The Practice of Tonglen

vii

10.2 Differences between the BM Model and other western models of

mediation 10.2.1 Western Psychology vs. Buddhist Psychology

10.2.2 Internal vs. external nature of conflict

10.3 Future research 10.3.1 Integrating Science and Religion

10.3.2 The 4 quadrants – subjective states; objective behavior; inter-subjective

structures; inter-objective systems

APPENDIX 465 Diagram A The Skilled-Helper Model

Diagram B Conceptual model of the sustaining engagement

change event

Diagram C Conceptual model of the transformation event

Diagram D The Buddhist Mediation Model

Diagram E The Results of the Process Research

Diagram F The Results of the Discourse Analysis

REFERENCES 483

1

CHAPTER 1: INTRODUCTION

1.1 Background

1.2 Objectives of research 1.2.1 The present research aims 1.2.2 Reasons for Research

1.1 Background

This thesis is developed from the work that I have been doing in the past 15

years when my career took a sudden turn from being a lawyer (admitted in Hong

Kong since 1981) to a mediator. The transition from being a lawyer to a mediator

has been the fruit of the Postgraduate programme I completed at the Institute of

Transpersonal Psychology in the United States of America, at the end of which I

learned about mediation as a profession and Conflict Resolution as a course that was

common in the law as well as in the psychology departments of colleges and

universities. At the same time, wanting to find out what I could do as a research

project for a Ph. D degree at a later stage, I noted that there were many theses written

on “Tantric Buddhism” about which I knew nothing. I decided to study Buddhism

when I returned to Hong Kong as I was curious about the popularity it had acquired

in the West. As a result, I became one of the first mediators accredited by the Hong

Kong International Arbitration Centre for both General and Family mediation (1998)

working professionally as a mediator in private practice in Hong Kong. At the

same time, I was asked by my teachers in Buddhism at the Chi Lin Nunnery to

design a workshop on “Mediation and Personal Growth” (1997 – 2001) which was

very popular in the Buddhist community. From my personal experience in teaching

and in practicing mediation, I have come to appreciate “Mediation” as a healing art

that has great potential for personal growth for the disputants as well as for the

mediators and trainee mediators.

As a trainer for “Mediation and Personal Growth” workshops, I integrate

Buddhist theories and practices with the theory and skills of conflict resolution.

With the Buddhist spiritual teachings as the basis of the practice, the mediation

2

process is recognized by many of my students to be more powerful in its healing

potential than conventional mediation. After a few years of teaching this Buddhist

version of mediation, I became one of the members of the teaching staff for the

Centre of Buddhist Studies at the University of Hong Kong in 2002 and have been

teaching the course since then.

1.2 Objectives of research

1.2.1 The present research aims are as follows:

a. To introduce a theory on the process of change that adopts a transformative

approach to conflict resolution and mediation training by integrating the Buddhist

theories on the five aggregates and the twelve links of dependent origination (“12

links”) with the existing theories and practice in mediation and

b. To enhance the effectiveness of the present practice of mediation and Buddhist

teachings in their transformative potentials by creating a new model of reframing: the

Five Aggregates Reframing Model (“Five ARM”).

1.2.2 Reasons for Research are as follows:

a. Recent development of Mediation as a form of conflict resolution

The Alternative Dispute Resolution (“ADR”) movement has developed all

over the world since the latter part of the twentieth century in order to create an

alternative to the legal system for resolving disputes. This phenomenon is

partly in response to the judicial system which is found to be failing in many

respects – costs, time and inflexibility in giving justice to the parties in dispute,

and partly inspired by social philosophies such as individual rights to decide for

themselves what is best for them (Boulle, 1996). In the United States of

America, mediation is commonly used in labour disputes in settling strikes and

union demands in the early part of the last century. In 1970’s the use of

mediation was adopted by the family courts for custody disputes and the civic

leaders and justice system officials for community disputes (Moore, 1994). In

3

the mid 1970’s the Harvard Business School project on negotiation inspired an

important book on the theory of negotiation and conflict resolution – Getting to

Yes (Fisher & Ury, 1991) and the research project is still ongoing. Research on

mediation has also become more professional in the last decade and it has

focused not just on outcome. Additionally, the process and the methodologies

applied are much rigorous than in the early days of the movement (Deutsch &

Coleman, 2000).

In 1997, a working committee commissioned by the Chief Justice of the

Judiciary in Hong Kong was set up for introducing mediation in the Family

Court system and a pilot scheme on Family Mediation funded by the Judiciary

operated for a period of three years starting in May, 2000. A total of 79.9% of

the cases under the scheme were settled with either full or partial agreement. As

a result of the success of the scheme, the Judiciary has since established the

Mediation Co-ordinator’s Office at the Family Court providing information

about mediation to the couples who are in the process of divorce. Since the

Family Court has introduced a Practice Direction 15.10 for all solicitors to

advice clients on mediation, the Judiciary has issued another Practice Direction

for solicitors to encourage parties to go through mediation before litigation in

Construction Cases in 2006. The Lands Tribunal is also keen to issue a

Practice Direction in 2008 to steer parties to mediation in Building Management

Disputes. Thus, there is a consistent need for training in mediation to facilitate

future development of mediation in our community.

There is a need to develop a better way to resolve conflict in the family and

community at large for Hong Kong and China where there are growing divorce

rates and family and community relationships breakdowns. Since the mediation

model from the West has been introduced, there has also been recognized a need

to indigenize or adapt to Eastern culture the practice of family and community

mediation in the Chinese community (Irving, 2002; Yang, 1997).

b. Development of the model of Buddhist Mediation (“BM”)

According to Prof. Laurence Boulle (Boulle, 1996, Preface), “mediation is

4

a practice in search of theory”. The current practice of mediation has its

foundation in various disciplines such as law and counseling. The practice of

mediation is being modified constantly, and there is a need to develop its own

explanatory theory for such practice. The generic model of the mediation

process is based broadly on the existing theories of conflict resolution,

communication and negotiation (Deutsch & Coleman, 2000). The generic

model of the process of change as described by G. Egan (2002) is similar to the

process of mediation according to Boulle (1996). There are also various

models of mediation which have different objectives and styles. The relevant

models for this research are:

(i) Facilitative Mediation, also known as interest-based problem solving

mediation, whose goal is to turn positions to interest based negotiation, and

(ii) Therapeutic Mediation, also known as reconciliation, transformative

mediation, whose goal is to deal with the underlying causes and improve

relationship or understanding.

Despite the fact that the recent developments of mediation in areas of

family, commercial, labor and community, come mostly from the West (Folberg,

J. & Taylor, A., 1984) the origins of mediation have been said to have begun in

the East. Indeed, the Buddha had performed mediations in his lifetime in the

Jataka Tales in “the Quarrelsome Monks of Kosambi” (McConnell, 1995).

The Buddha had successfully mediated a dispute between two groups of monks

over deciding whether it was a sin for a Dhamma teacher to leave a vessel of

water from his washing. This dispute might have led to a division of the

sangha; however, after resolving the dispute, the relationship of the two groups

of monks was transformed and rules were changed in the sangha so that the

monks would selflessly prepare water for washing for the next person. The

Buddha may have been the first documented transformative mediator in history.

By integrating the existing theories and practices of mediation and therapy,

the course description for BM at the Centre of Buddhist Studies is as follows:

“By integrating the techniques of solution-focused brief therapy and the

mediation process with Buddhist theories and practices, the course will

5

teach a model of conflict resolution which reflects the Mahayana ideal

of the practice of the Way of Bodhichitta of benefiting oneself and

others in being able to resolve conflicts for oneself and for others and

learn about the process of change and transformation through

applications of the model.

Students will acquire basic knowledge of theories and practices of

Buddhism and mediation in an integral approach and be able to apply

the appropriate skills to be their own mediator and to mediate other

people’s dispute in their peer group or community. The mode of

teaching will be by lecture, demonstrations by videotapes or role-plays,

role-play exercises in small groups and self-reflective learning. The

mode of assessment will be 50% written assignments (3000 – 4000

words) and 50 % continuous assessment. Students are expected to

attend at least 80% of the lectures and seminars and tutorials which will

be combined over the 12 sessions of 3 hours each.”

The BM course incorporates elements of the therapeutic and facilitative

mediation models as described by Boulle (1994). It is hoped that the research

outcome will convince the practitioners of mediation that the new theory of

reframing with the Five ARM approach will not only increase the power of

transformative potential of mediation for the disputants but also for the

mediators.

Transformative practices normally promote growth towards an ideal that

will bring the individual to his highest potentials and capabilities in relation to

himself and his environment. Michael Murphy, the leading scholar on the

body/mind discipline, explains in his book, The Future of the Body (1992) that

transformative practices are life-encompassing practices that will help the

practitioner develop meta-normal capabilities and that “human nature harbors

extraordinary attributes that may appear in sickness, healing, or programs for

growth, either spontaneously or through formal discipline. While such

attributes require long-term cultivation for their fullest development, they

frequently appear to be freely given, sometimes when we do not seek or expect

them (p.542).” Buddhism has a complete system of transformative theories

6

and practices that will fit the description of Murphy and in particular when

mixing Buddhism with mediation practice, the model of BM will become a

unique practice of its own (p. 547 – 552) by bringing about an “all-at-once

response” by which creative change is produced economically.

From the BM training that I have conducted since 2002, I have found that

the trainees very often achieve personal growth objectives from the insights

obtained during the workshop. These insights have been reflected in class

during role play exercises and also recorded in their journals which they submit

at the end of the course. In this thesis, I shall be analyzing their reflective

journals to understand the impact the BM training had on them.

Secondly, the transformative practice needs to involve ego-transcending

agencies to bring about high-level change. This is achieved by the

understanding of the theory of “no self” and the five aggregates and the practice

of the new model of reframing as postulated by this thesis.

Thirdly, the transformative practice is holistic involving the body, mind

and spirit and promotes many-sided growth. The data analysis of this thesis

will show how the transformative potential of BM can take effect by practicing

the new model of reframing of the conflict to bring about multi-dimensional

changes in observation, feeling, thinking, behavior and consciousness of the

disputants as well as the mediators within the context of the mediation process.

c. The implication of the outcome of the research

(i) To develop a multilevel-process model of change

According to recent research findings on the process of change, the way to

integrate research into practice is “by building comprehensive

multilevel-process models of practice that provide a theoretical and conceptual

foundation (through guiding principles) and that describe systematic clinical

procedures that serve as the basis of practice” (Sexton, 2004). Relying on

identifying the different or common factors between different schools of therapy

7

or mediation models is not enough to promote and enhance the effectiveness of

the therapy or mediation process.

In the data analysis of the case studies, transcripts of real mediation cases

are analyzed by the process research method and comparative analysis to find

out the way the BM Model guides the mediator to execute the reframing

technique using the Five ARM approach. As the generic process of change

(Egan, 2002) and the process of mediation (Boulle, 1996) will be compared to

the process of the Buddhist mediation, this research aims to contribute to the

further development of the multi-level process of change in the mediation based

on the analysis of data from live cases: (a) the stages of the process of change,

(b) the clients’ experiences, and (c) the relational interaction between the clients

and the mediator (Gottman and Notarius, 2000).

(ii) To develop a transformative direction for “reframing” in the context of a

universal process of change

It has been argued that mediation is a family therapy technique and that

reframing and questioning skills such as those commonly used in

solution-focused brief therapy can easily be transferred to the context of

mediation (Favaloro, 1998). Reframing as a technique in mediation has been

adapted from the therapeutic setting in particular from the Milan school where

reframing is developed into an art form when it is integrated with circular

questioning among members of the family. The parallel to mediation is

summed up by Shaw (1985 p. 29):

A mediator who simply accepts the statement of the problem in the terms

used by one or the other of the parties is locked into that person’s perceptions of

the dispute, perceptions that are a large part of the reason the parties have

reached a stalemate and sought outside help. A principal opportunity afforded

by mediation is the mediator’s ability to perceive the dispute in a different way

from the parties and thereby to help them discuss and resolve the dispute

effectively.

For both mediation and systemic therapy, similar facilitative and circular

questioning skills and reframing are used to give a positive connotation to the

problem and to maintain neutrality. However, reframing of conflict as a

8

powerful tool in shifting blame in family mediation may be used to manipulate

the outcome of the agreement. Research has been done to measure how the

issues were reframed and whether the parties found the mediation process fair

(Lam, Rifkin & Townley, 1988). To date, there is no theory developed by

process research on the direction to apply reframing in the mediation process to

ensure fairness of outcome.

With regards to mediation process, there is little process research done on

what actually happens in the mediation session. Recent research by Scott

Jacobs and Mark Askhus (2002) analyzes a corpus of 41 cases and shows that

there are three models of rational discussion in dispute mediation: (a) critical

discussion, (b) bargaining, and (c) therapy. The conclusion is that the mediator

has to be competent enough to know when and how to best use the three models

in the stream of discourse of the mediation process. There is at present no

evidence-based theory of process of change developed to help the mediator to

learn to be competent in applying the three models or any other models of

mediation.

Although there has been much more process research in psychotherapy

than in mediation (Greenberg, 1984), it has recently been identified that the

challenges for the change process research in couple and family therapy will

need to develop “well-articulated theories about systemic change processes”

(Heatherington, Friedlander, Greenberg, 2005, p. 19). In the past, researchers

have focused on particular schools e.g. structural school, emotional focused

therapy or functional family therapy:

Constructivist therapies, in particular, need more mid-level theory

development. Solution-focused theorists assume the importance of

attributional change (although it is not so labeled), but have not

developed testable propositions about how interventions like the

miracle question, scaling questions, or exception questions actually

affect clients’ emotions, cognitions, or outcomes beyond shifts in

“language games” within a particular session (e.g. de Shazer & Berg,

1992). There is clearly the potential for such work, and were the

theories in place, researchers could examine more fully the client

processes and mini-outcomes set in motion by these kinds of

interventions. (p. 20)

9

The challenge to the constructivist school is to find out how exactly the

narratives or stories are reconstructed between the therapist and the clients

during the session and how to put into theory what happened so that the

micro-steps can be tested for effectiveness. In fact, one of the major criticisms

of the constructivist school is the way the “reframing” is being co-created freely

without any direction in the therapy session on the basis that there is no absolute

truth or reality.

To safeguard the biases and beliefs of the therapists and mediators, the new

model of reframing with the Five ARM approach is used as an intervention to

interpret and hypothesize the conflict of the disputants. The five aggregates

and the 12 links are classical theories of Buddhism for deconstructing the “self”

from attachment and for reversing the intrapersonal and interpersonal conflict

process. The potential transformative power of this new model comes from

the hypothesis of the model that calls for the transformation of the third

Aggregate, sanna (recognition), to wholesome sanna by reframing for the

disputants the recognition of the true characteristics of existence: the

recognition of suffering, selflessness and impermanence (Boisvert, 1995).

The findings of this research therefore have great implications in practice,

training and personal growth for the mediators and disputants.

(End of Chapter 1)

10

CHAPTER 2: LITERATURE REVIEW

2.1 Basic concepts and principles of mediation and Buddhism

2.2 The process of transformation and conflict resolution 2.2.1 The process of transformation




2.3 Reframing and mediation skills and strategies 2.3.1 Frames in the context of mediation





2.1 Basic concepts and principles of mediation and Buddhism

The purpose of this section is to extract from the following sources, the basic

concepts and principles behind this transformative model of BM, namely: mediation

and Buddhism.

Mediation is defined by Christopher Moore (1986), a writer of one of the most

important textbooks on the process of mediation (p.14):

Mediation is the intervention into a dispute or negotiation by an

acceptable, impartial, and neutral third party who has no authoritative

decision-making power to assist disputing parties in voluntarily

reaching their own mutually acceptable settlement of issues in dispute.

11

Kenneth Kressel, a researcher and practitioner in mediation, concludes that

research on mediation has generally proven empirically the usefulness of the process

but has ignored the informal mediations that take place everyday in our families,

workplace and community. (2000, p.524)

Relatively speaking, training in generic mediation skills for the

non-specialist has been left to languish

The ability of the emergent mediator must be acceptable by the parties in order

to become effective in building rapport and trust (p.537)

These qualities depend on skills and attitudes basic to all good human

interaction: active listening, patient inquiry, respect for differences,

skepticism about win-lose solutions, and avoidance of premature

closure whenever complex issues and feelings are involved. People

taught such skills and attitudes as part of a mediation training program

often report general improvement in their interactions with others, quite

apart from their usefulness in mediation proper..

It is also observed that the mediation process is a “structured activity proceeding

in distinctive stages” (Kressel, 2000, p.529) ranging from three to 12 stages

depending on the categorization and whether the preparatory activities are included

within the stages. An example of a complex model used by Christopher Moore is a

twelve-stage model (1996, p.32):

1. Initial contacts with the disputing parties

2. Selecting a strategy to guide mediation

3. Collecting and analyzing background information

4. Designing a detailed plan for mediation

5. Building trust and cooperation

6. Beginning the mediation session

7. Defining issues and setting an agenda

8. Uncovering hidden interests of the disputing parties

9. Generating options for settlement

10. Assessing options for settlement

11. Final bargaining

12

12. Achieving formal settlement.

The skilled-helper model as described by Gerard Egan (2002) is said to be

similar to the mediation model. It has three stages:

Stage 1.: What’s going on?

- Identify the problem by letting the client tell his story.

- Help the client to see his blind spots in his story

- Retell the story differently from the first version.

Stage 2. : What solutions make sense for me?

- Help the client look for the possible resolutions.

- Set the agenda for making changes happen.

- Get the client to commit to change.

Stage 3. : How do I get what I need or want?

- Identify the strategies for getting what the client wants.

- Find the best option by reality checking with the client.

- Agree on the action plan with the client and ensure there is commitment to

follow through.

Indeed, it has been said that there are clear parallels between these stages and

the structure of mediation (Boulle, 1996).

In the transformative model of mediation advocated by Bush and Folger (1994),

the key objectives of empowerment and recognition are very similar to the goals of

counseling and therapy, especially in the solution-focused brief therapy model

(DeJong and Kim Berg, 1998). Empowerment is to increase the clients’ ability to

analyze and strengthen their resources to resolve disputes in their lives and improve

recognition of each other’s needs and perspectives (Bush and Folger, 1994). This

approach is based on the assumptions that clients have the ability to handle their own

problems and to resolve them.

In the counseling and therapy fields, the journals generally focus on theory and

13

research (Egan, 2002). It is a well recognized fact that counseling and therapy, like

mediation, are more like art than science in their practice. Some researchers are

finally looking into qualities of a helper such as “wisdom” as part of an approach to

positive-psychology (Baltes & Staudinger, 2000). Indeed, according to Egan (2002,

p.19),

Helpers need to be wise, and part of their job is to impart some of their

wisdom, however indirectly, to their clients, Baltes and Staudinger

(2000) define wisdom as ‘an expertise in the conduct and meaning of

life’ or ‘an expert knowledge system concerning the fundamental

pragmatics of life’ (pp. 124, 122).

The understanding of the spiritual dimension of life as well as the mastery of

life seems to be key features associated with “wisdom”. Therefore, the focus is on

“what” a meaningful life is and “how” to live a meaningful life (p.19).

The Buddhists believe that each and every one of us has the potential to be

“enlightened” (Dalai Lama, 2000). The word Buddha means “the awakened one”

or the one who has realized the truth from ignorance which means “to awaken from

the sleep of ignorance and spread one’s intelligence to everything that can be

known.” (p.2) Popularity of Buddhism in recent years is summarized (Revel &

Ricard, 1997, p. 24)

The core teachings of Buddhism….. simply analyze and dismantle the

mechanism of happiness and suffering……Gradually, through

investigation and contemplation, Buddhism gets down to the deep

causes of suffering. It’s a search that concerns any human being

Buddhist or not.

According to the above, it can be seen that the Buddhist ideal is to be a helper to

the self and others to be awakened from “ignorance”. In this sense, the Buddhist

skilled helper will have similar qualities to the “wise” skilled helper discussed by

Egan (2002). The critical quality of “wisdom” in helping is not taught in any helper

training program or discussed extensively in any research literature, but can be found

in all the volumes of scriptures in the Buddhist traditions. It is through this research

14

that I hope to bring “wisdom” to the training of mediation and to update the

knowledge of “Wisdom and Compassion” in the form of conflict resolution for the

Buddhist community in their practice of the way of Boddhisattva.

2.2 The process of transformation and conflict resolution

The purpose of this section is to define the following concepts:

2.2.1 The process of transformation


2.2.1 The process of transformation

According to Tobin Hart, a psychologist and researcher on consciousness,

spirituality, psychotherapy and education refer to transformation as a process and

paradox (2000, p.157):

To transform is to go beyond current form. Transformation manifests

as both an outcome and a process; it is the push and pulse that drives

self-organization and self-transcendence, a movement pushing

simultaneously toward increasing unity and toward diversity.

Transformation is a natural process because we do change and grow from stage

to stage whether we are conscious of it or not. Just as in nature, conflict is an

interference pattern of energies that motivates change creating beaches, mountains

and pearls (Crum, 1987). In Chinese culture, crisis is seen as “danger and

opportunity” as the characters denote. There are two aspects to transformation,

creativity and awareness (Hart, 2000).

In practice the process of transformation is activated by the dynamics of the

workings between two opposing forces such as separateness and union, intention and

surrender, agency and receptivity - the male principles of yang and the female

principle of yin. In the process of transformation there must be the will to work

15

toward goals and the will to let go of defensiveness and preconceptions (Hart, 2000).

In mediation, the conflicting parties must be willing to come forward to

negotiate with their set goals and be prepared to listen to the other party’s views and

proposals. The principles of negotiation are based on preparation in the diagnosis of

what the conflict is about and clarification of the goals and objectives of what one

wants to achieve (Fisher & Ury, 1991). Mediation is the bridge between the two

opposites by promoting both unity and diversity. The mediator helps the parties to

understand the differences and to focus on that which is common to the parties in

order to reduce the feeling of threat from the differences and to induce a desire for

agreement with which the parties are comfortable.

The willingness to commit to resolution by the parties is seen as a sign of

success even if there is no settlement according to the model of Transformative

Mediation (Bush & Folger, 1994). The parties in the midst of conflict coming forth

to mediation experience the process as a transformation by “shedding [their] skins of

attachment” and “expanding into a larger perspective and identity” (Hart, 2000,

p.159) as they become more in their own power and open and receptive to others.

In Buddhist practice, the intention of the practitioner is the determining factor of

what the practitioner will achieve. A good deed will yield good karma only if the

intention is not fixated on attachment to the benefits to self in the material sense. A

good motive to practice Buddhism is to gain mental development that will give

long-term benefits of happiness and inner strength for self and others (Gyatso,

theDalai Lama, 2000). Therefore, as a motive to learn and practice the BM Model

as postulated in this thesis, it is important to adopt the transformative approach so

that the goal of personal growth and transformation will be promoted.

During the process of mediation, the mediator will help the parties to express

what has happened, their feelings, thinking and needs according to their perspective.

Their respective perceptions will be very different from each other’s, and the

exploration will give the mediator a chance to reframe the two different perspectives

in a more neutral and mutually acceptable version. The process actually helps the

parties to understand themselves and each other and clarify misunderstandings, fears

16

and misconceptions that they may hold against each other and be able to see the other

person in a better light.

In mediation, a major role and function of the mediator is to facilitate

communication between the parties through translating or re-interpreting the

perspectives of the parties for each other. One of the most commonly used

technique in mediation is the use of “I” messages to help the parties to express

themselves, e.g. “When you call me names, I feel hurt and angry because I am not

respected.” By comparing the “I” message model to the Buddhist theory of the five

aggregates, the “self” can be expressed through (1) material forms or observation, (2)

sensation/feeling, (3) perception/thinking, (4) deeds or needs, and (5) consciousness

to perceive the above aggregates. By facilitating the party to understand what his

internal realities are in any given moment, the party may develop more

self-awareness and have the ability to shift his perspective by not being obsessed

with the false self-identification with the subjective thinking, feeling or wants of that

moment. Thus, this thesis will show that the practice of BM has transformative

potentials. The process research will be used to show how the disputants develop a

“new awareness” of their five aggregates in this transformative process of conflict

resolution.



One of the most comprehensive theories on the process of change for

individuals and social systems was developed by Kurt Lewin in Unfreezing to

Movement to Refreezing. (1947) First, one must be open to changing or to

developing something different from the current state. Motivation is important as a

driving force for change. Movement means the activities taken to implement

change. Resistance to change comes from the need to protect the status quo from

the effect of the real or imagined change (Zander, 1950). Refreezing is the process

that supports the new behavior without resistance. The process of change is useful

to understand how we can be committed to the new behavior instead of the old

pattern.

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The theory of cooperation and competition was developed by Lewin’s student,

Morton Deutsch (1949a, 1949b, 1973, 1985) and David W. Johnson (Johnson and

Johnson, 1989). The theory posits that interpersonal conflict is complex and often

involves ambivalence and mixed motives. The parties in a conflict are

simultaneously positively as well as negatively interdependent with each other in

respect to what they want to achieve or perceive as their respective goals. In

Buddhism, the theory of dependent-arising, the basis of the Buddhist perspective of

cause and effect, will fit well with this aspect of conflict resolution.

The theory of conflict resolution is described by Deutsch (2000, p. 30) as

follows:

the theory equates a constructive process of conflict resolution with an

effective cooperative problem-solving process in which the conflict is

the mutual problem to be resolved cooperatively. It also equates a

destructive process of conflict resolution with a competitive process in

which the conflicting parties are involved in a competition or struggle

to determine who wins and who loses; often, the outcome of the

struggle is a loss for both parties. The theory further indicates that a

cooperative-constructive process of conflict resolution is fostered by

the typical effects of cooperation.

The implication of the theory is that the constructive cooperative process will

give a win-win outcome and is therefore more useful to a harmonious society. The

ability to reframe the conflict as a joint problem that both parties can solve together

is crucial to resolution. Therefore, the theory of the BM Model is built on the

theory of constructive conflict resolution and the theory of process of change so that

the Buddhist theories and practices will enhance the transformative potential of the

existing theories and practices of conflict resolution.


The psychological components in a change process such as motivation,

resistance and commitment are well recognized dynamics influencing the course of

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conflict. It has been noted that there is a need for more theorizing and empirical

study on the psychological processes that brings about change in the system during

the course of the conflict resolution (Marcus, 2000).

According to recent research on the process of change, the blue print of the

“transformation” process of Sluzki (1992, p. 217) is a well- established theory on the

successful process of change from the constructivist perspective. This research is

based on similar research on the mediation process.

This blueprint follows steps proposed by Cobb (1991) when discussing

the components of a mediation consultation. Cobb argues that, although

mediation and therapy have distinctive differences, both require the

management of communication processes in which narratives emerge

and are transformed. (Sluzki, 1992, p. 220):-

The blueprint of “transformation” process has five steps:

1. Framing the encounter. This is the opening statement of the mediator or the

conversation between the mediator/therapist with the clients to set the collective

agreement of the therapeutic relationship for the session to follow. This can be

implicit or explicit and may be conducted as a social conversation in tone and

content.

2. Eliciting and enacting the dominant stories. Each party has a chance to tell

his/her individual version of the dominant stories.

3. Favoring alternative stories. The interviewer elicits new information or

alternative views of the same events from all the participants through (linear or

circular) questions, comments, and so on, and notes exceptions that deviate from or

challenge the mainstream stories then the interviewer tests the tenacity of the

mainstream stories by proposing unorthodox views or making unorthodox comments

about them, usually through a stance of positive connotation.

4. Enhancing (instancing) the new stories. The interviewer helps to develop more

19

possibilities, options or angles to the new stories or to project to future

circumstances.

5. Anchoring the new stories “The therapist may choose to further anchor the new

stories through the recommendation of post-session rituals or tasks that are

specifically designed to reconstitute and reconfirm the new descriptions (p. 221 ).

After the detailed description of the theory of the transformative process of

change event, Sluzki did not elaborate on what exactly happens during the process of

change that creates the transformation. By way of process research, recent

researchers have followed the Sluzki model and developed a three-stage model of a

successful change event (Coulehan, Friedlander, Heatherington, 1998). This is a

good example of how theory and research “support the need to transform family

members’ constructions of presenting problems from a linear, intrapersonal

perspective to a systemic, interpersonal one.” (Heatherington, Friedlander, Greenberg,

2005)

Other researchers have developed more theories on the sustaining engagement

of clients in therapeutic and constructive conflict resolution. (Friedlander,

Heatherington, Johnson and Skowron, 1994) More recently, on the development of

the therapeutic change process, Sexton and Alexander (2002) proposed a similar

three-phrase model involving engagement and motivation of clients followed by

behavior change and generalization.

Therefore, in recent mediation process research, unlike process research in

family therapy, there is no research on the theory of the temporal process of change

mechanism when different activities have different priorities depending on where the

clients are in the process. (Sexton, Ridley & Kleiner, 2004)

2.3 Reframing and mediation skills and strategies

2.3.1 Frames in the context of mediation



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2.3.1 Frames in the context of mediation

The idea of a “frame” or an “intersubjective frame” according to Bateson (1972)

refers to the shared meaning of any given situation as negotiated by the members or

participants within a particular group. Framing is helping professionals facilitate

their clients to change the way they understand and act on the presenting problem

using a different interpretation of what is said and done in the context of the problem.

The new interpretation of the data will be a new frame or a Reframe of the original

frame of reference under which the client will effect a change in action.

As reality is being socially constructed, social interactions are “framed as

implicit meta-messages that give meaning to all conversations or social activities.”

(Benjamin and Irving, 2005) As an example, children can be said to be “playing”

or “fighting” in a park according to different social frames.

In the therapeutic or facilitative models of mediation which are the major

models used in the mediation process (Benjamin and Irving, 2005), the technique of

reframing is frequently used to detoxify the negativity in the dialogue and to

strategically replace words to redefine the situation into a more positive and

mutually-acceptable version of the accounts, observations, attitudes, emotions,

opinions, needs and wants of the clients. Benjamin and Irving (2005) argue that

both models actually are very similar in the way they apply reframing to the

mediation process. In both models, reframing is used by the mediator to redefine

the problem of the parties at the beginning of the process. The blaming and

accusation of each other are reframed as concerns of the parties. The facilitative

model reframes the issues from positions to interest-based negotiation.

Agenda setting is the ultimate reframing of the parties’ positions. For instance,

with the issue of custody, the agenda is reframed as “How can the parties share

parenting?” Problems are redefined in neutral, mutual and futuristic terms (Haynes,

1994). According to Haynes who represents a unique style of negotiation where the

21

mediator is the manager of negotiations between the parties, the mediator must

control the problem definition for the parties. There is little room for emotion,

therapy or legal hypothesis in redefining their problems. When parties are blaming

each other for not listening, he would reframe the situation as “you both need to be

heard.” The reframing technique is used to facilitate the parties to move on to

accept a new frame of looking at their problem for which options will be generated.

According to Boulle (1996) reframing is one aspect of active listening, and the

underlying theory is that the mediator’s reframing a party’s perception will affect the

person’s attitude and behavior in the negotiation. Therefore, the functions of

reframing in a mediation context of a facilitative model may include one or more of

the following functions:

- remove an accusation, hostility or verbal sting and substitute neutral language;

- reorient the parties from a negative to a positive perception of an issue;

- shift the focus from a positional claim to underlying interests;

- remove a personal judgment and shift the focus from the people to the problem;

- focus the parties’ attention on the present and future and away from the past; and

- mutualize concerns and issues.

This shift in the awareness of the disputants of new possibilities by reframing is

recognized as an important skill in the facilitative model (Boulle, 1996, p.167):

By reframing their language, a mediator may cause them to perceive

things in terms of present financial interests, new management and

communication practices, future profitability and new business

opportunities.

However, reframing is referred to by Boulle to be “essentially a micro-technique

which might not succeed in changing the broader narrative (p.169).” The

transformative potential of reframing the perception of the disputants is not

recognized in the facilitative model of mediation.

In the therapeutic model (Irving, 2002, p.100), reframing is recognized as “an

extremely potent way to promote co-operative problem solving in family mediation.”

22

For example, rather than something that is done by either parent, parenting can be

reframed as a “shared responsibility” which is a duty of parents to work together in

the best interest of their children There is the possibility of using reframing to

shift perception of parties when “they have lost sight of the larger frame of harmony

in the family, of conflict as an opportunity for change, and of duty to the well-being

of the children”(p.100). Reframing can even assuage the culturally-sensitive issues of

face, family honor, and family blood or heritage. Although the therapeutic model

recognizes the ways reframing can be used to enhance better co-operative conflict

resolution in the process of mediation, it does not exactly mention any transformative

elements in this intervention.

2.3.2 Reframing as a therapeutic technique

Reframing has been used by psychotherapists and therapists as a therapeutic

technique in a variety of ways. Milton H. Erickson is one of the most famous

psychotherapists to use reframing, and he used it in a most uncommon way. In the

book Uncommon Therapy (1973), Jay Haley describes Erickson’s innovative use of

reframing the patient’s perception or putting the patient’s frame in a different context

in order to give it a different meaning. By working with a domineering husband’s

frame that he should be the boss in the family, Erickson succeeded in reframing by

substituting a new understanding and interpretation of what constituted a powerful

boss; this kind of man is powerful enough to allow his wife to have a say in minor

matters. By doing so, the conflict of the couple was resolved by the new behavior

of the husband. By using the client’s frame of reference, Erickson’s reframing

technique creates the least resistance to change in the client’s perception of the

problem.

Reframing is also a family therapy technique. Virginia Satir (Andreas, 1991)

is an important family therapist who is famous for her reframing skills. She used

reframing to change the perception of events or behaviors to make it more

constructive to the client. A mother’s nagging becomes how much she cared for the

child, and the abusive father abandoning his child becomes the ultimate gesture of

love to protect the child from the possibility of hurting her further. Satir’s

presumptions of good intention and elimination of blame in her reframing can be

23

persuasive and powerful in fostering a change in perception to events so that clients

can see things more positively. However, her reframing could sometimes minimize

the pain of the client or even stretch the imagination to the point of absurdity.

There are two types of reframing: context reframing and meaning reframing.

In context reframing, the type of behavior that is problematic is placed in a different

context to make it more constructive and even valuable. Even killing can be

positive if it is in the context of self-defense.

Meaning reframing changes the meaning of the behavior but the context

remains unchanged. For example, criticism can be reframed as opportunity for

learning. “So, when I ask you if you’re criticizable, all I mean is, are you

teachable?” (Satir, 1983, p.150).

Richard Bandler and John Grinder in their book Reframing (1982) describes the

model of reframing of Milton Erickson and Virgina Satir. They develop a new

method of communication called neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) (1982; 1975 a;

1975 b). From this new method, new models of communication pattern have been

created based on the theory of reframing:

the meaning an event has depends upon the ‘frame’ in which we

perceive it. When we change the frame, we change the meaning.

(1982, p.1)

NLP (Laborde, 1994) observes that communication is based on perception,

thinking and talking. Human perception is based on the five senses: sight, sound,

touch, taste and smell. What we regard as reality is based on our interpretation of

our perceptions, and the interpretation is not the reality itself. Your reality is

different from my reality. We have different models of the world governed by past

and present experiences. We do not experience the world directly but only a

subjective representation of it. What you see, hear or feel is converted into a

thought or an interpretation. We each have our own internal representational

system which we attempt to match with others in order to establish rapport.

Language is formulated based on this matching process. Words are human

24

sponsorship of internal experiences that influence our thinking, feeling and behavior.

The NLP theory of internal reality is reminiscent of the five aggregates of

Buddhism. However, there is no coherent theory of change process to which the

reframing skills can be applied.

2.3.3 Solution-focused therapy and questioning skills

The communication model developed using NLP has been adapted to other

schools of therapy. One of the most important schools is the Solution-focused Brief

Therapy (de Shazer, Kim Berg, Lipchik, Nunnally, Molnar, Gingerich, Weiner-Davis,

1986). It looks for exceptions and is solution or task oriented. The therapeutic

process focuses on the retelling of the original story that the client brings to the

therapy session (White & Epston, 1990). By asking solution-focused questions, the

therapist co-creates the new frame or reframes the client’s story to a more

constructive one. Typical examples of solution-focused questions are: Miracle

Questions, Scaling Questions, Exception Questions and Goal-Formulating Questions

(de Shazer, 1988).

The theoretical framework of Steve de Shazer in designing all of these “unusual

questions” is discussed in his book Words Were Originally Magic (1994) He

comments that:

a. According to the Buddhist view, language blocks our access to reality

(Coward, 1990).

b. According to the view of the “post-structuralism” (de Shazer, 1991) (de Shazer &

Berg,1992), language is reality.

In Buddhism, there are two kinds of “realities:” ultimate reality and relative

reality. The ultimate goal of liberation from suffering for the Buddhists is to access

this ultimate reality where the cycle of life and death will cease. Temporary access

to this state is possible through the daily practice of meditation or mindfulness

training. It is said that those who return to ordinary consciousness afterwards are

greatly transformed. On the other hand, relative reality can be experienced through

our ordinary consciousness (Gyatso, 2000).

25

When describing the Buddhist view of language that blocks reality, de Shazer

refers to ultimate reality. In fact, meditation is a kind of non-interference in mind

training for developing mindfulness which is an essential quality for Buddhist

mediators. In relative reality, the experience of reality is based on matters being

perceived under the Buddhist theory of ‘matter’ (rupa). (Boisvert, 1995, p.46-47):

matter is not simply an object reality independent of the perception of

the individual….It seems that Theravada Buddhism stresses that for

something to be present for someone, it needs to be perceived…

Absence does not deny the absolute reality of the object when

unperceived by a subject, but stresses that the object is of no

significance to such a subject.

Consistent with the “language game” of Wittgenstein (1922) for the Buddhist as

well as for the post-structualist, there is a suggestion that “mind” is seen as a

condition for language/conversation (de Shazer, 1994). Therefore, the BM Model is

consistent with the existing theory on language and reality with respect to the

constructivist and post-structuralist approaches.


John Haynes emphasizes the importance of controlling the parties’ framing of

their problem in order to start negotiation. In his book, The Fundamentals of

Family Mediation (1994), he talks about how a professional needs to decide which

hypothesis is most useful for the client in the moment. The hypothesis helps the

mediator to develop the line of questioning and to maintain a focus with respect to

the client’s situation in order to develop the intervention in the process of mediation

(p.19):

A lawyer develops a hypothesis about the legal theory; the family

therapist, about the dynamic interaction of the participants; an

accountant, about the accounting method, and so on. A mediator

develops a hypothesis about

- the problem to be resolved through negotiations,

26

- the client’s goals,

- their negotiating behavior.

According to Haynes, the hypothesis that is most useful for a mediator is

different from that of a therapist or a lawyer. Therefore, to assist in the

hypothesizing of the conflict, the BM Model is based on substantive theories that are

common to mediators and therapists, e.g. the principles of negotiation of the Harvard

Business School Project (Fisher and Ury, 1991), the theory of the diagnosis of

conflict (Moore, 1994) and the systems theories. (Bateson, 1979; Bowen, 1978;

Minuchin and Fishman, 1981). However, the BM Model is grounded in the process

and structure of mediation.

Under the therapeutic model developed by Irving (2002), the list of practice

skills needed are set out clearly ( p.82): eight skills for connecting with clients, nine

skills for maintaining control, five skills for making informed choices and nine skills

for intervening. Maintaining a solution-oriented focus and reframing are part of the

intervening skills.

To sum up the variety and range of skills and strategies developed in mediation

whether from the facilitative or the therapeutic models, Haynes summarized

succinctly:

Creating doubt by the generic strategies of normalizing, mutualizing

and maintaining a future focus through summarizing form the basis of

all mediation. (p. 29)

The BM Model incorporates all the above practice skills and strategies that are

commonly used in the facilitative and therapeutic mediation models.


Reframing an issue in a mediation context has proven to be most useful in

parent-adolescent mediation in handling the issue of fairness and power. (Lam,

Rifkin, Townley, 1989)

27

The immediate effect of reframing client attitude in family therapy has been

well researched by Robbins, Alexander, Newell and Turner (1996). The results

confirm that adolescents respond more favorably to reframing as an intervention by

the therapist than any other type of intervention such as acknowledgement,

organization, pacer and prompt. Frames and reframes were coded as speech acts

which consisted of sequences of the interaction of the parties in the session taking

into consideration the statements that had occurred previously in the session. For

example, the therapist statement that attempted to normalize the family experiences

or the delinquent behavior of the adolescents would be coded as a reframe.

Robbins, Alexander and Turner (2000) used the same data and examined the

process one step earlier in a defensive communication session by a family member.

The subsequent therapist intervention was tracked as a reframe, reflection or

eliciting-structure (e.g. of needs or concerns) and family responses were either

supportive or defensive communications. It was found that the reframing

intervention successfully reduced negative and defensive communication.

More recently, Sexton and Alexander’s research group (2003) “has developed a

complex map of the therapist interventions and client performances that attend

successful reframing events, a good illustration of how one might incorporate

cognition into the mix and relate it to understanding the modification of family

interactions (Heatherington, Friedlander and Greenberg, 2005, p. 23).”

By using a specific coding system designed by Friedlander and his group of

researchers (2000, 2003), covert thoughts, feelings and perceptions can be read from

observable behavior. It is hypothesized in this thesis that the disputants’

intra-psychic processes also can be observed from the data and that the Five ARM

method is a useful way of hypothesizing the conflict by analyzing the objective

reality, feeling/sensation, thinking/recognition, needs/obsession and consciousness of

the parties at various stages during the process of change.

(End of Chapter 2)

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CHAPTER 3: Theoretical Framework of Buddhist

Mediation (“BM”) 3.1 Buddhist world view 3.2 Constructivist world view 3.3 The fundamental basis of the BM Model 3.4 The twelve links of dependent-arising or origination (“12

links”) 3.5 The five aggregates 3.6 The relationship between the five aggregates and the 12 links 3.7 The Five Aggregates Reframing Model (“Five ARM”) 3.1 Buddhist world view

In Buddhism, existence has three major characteristics: “impermanence,

selflessness and dissatisfaction “(Fadiman & Frager, 1994, p. 544). The basis of this theory can be explained through the Buddhist philosophy of dependent-arising or pratityasamutpada (Gyatso, 2000, p. 35):

The word pratitya has three different meanings – meeting, relying, and

depending – but all three, in terms of their basic import, mean

dependence. Samutpada means arising. Hence, the meaning of

pratityasamutpada is that which arises in dependence upon conditions,

in reliance upon conditions, through the force of conditions. On a

subtle level, it is explained as the main reason why phenomena are

empty of inherent existence.

There are three levels of dependent-arising. First, it is connected with the causality with the 12 links of life in cyclic existence (p.36): “ignorance, action consciousness, name and form, the six sense spheres, contact, feeling, attachment, grasping, existence, birth, and aging and death.” This level applies only to impermanent phenomenon while the second and third levels apply to both permanent and impermanent phenomenon (Gyatso, 2000).

Secondly, there is the interdependence of all things that are made up of parts.

29

For example, atoms group together to form molecules which transform into cells. The whole is made up of parts which are also whole in another context.

Thirdly, there is the deeper level of phenomena that are “imputed by terms and

conceptuality in dependence upon their bases of imputation. (p.36)” An example of this level can be drawn from the Zen teaching on whether it is the wind that moves the flag or the flag that moves in the wind or the mind that moves so that the flag and the wind move. “Thus it is said that the I and other phenomena exist through the power of conceptuality (p. 65).” 3.2 Constructivist worldview

In Western psychology, a parallel of this concept of multiple realities can be

seen from the constructivist approach in co-creation of realities and personal constructs (Kelly, 1955; Fadiman & Frager, 1994, p. 410):

From the perspective of personal construct psychology, this paradigm is but one of the ways ….in which the person (or the psychologist) construes the world and the methods for studying it. A comprehensive alternative that subsumes mechanistic psychology under its constructs, personal construct theory stands as a continuing challenge to modern psychological thinking.

This is representative of the contemporary, post-modern thinking and the extension of this approach can be seen in the theory of social constructivism (Dejong & Kim Berg, 1998, p. 227):

Social constructionists emphasize that shifts in client perceptions and definitions occur in contexts – that is, in communities. Consequently, meaning making is not entirely an individual matter, in which clients can come up with private meanings (including solutions) without regard to others. Instead, individuals always live in ethnic, family, national, socioeconomic, and religious contexts; they reshape meanings under the influence of the communities in which they live. In solution building, relationship questions provide an obvious way in which the interviewer can explore clients’ perceptions of their contexts.

As opposed to the medical model of the modernist approach which places the

therapist as expert over the client’s problem, in the solution-focused model, the

30

clients’ problems are viewed as “a function of their current definitions of reality rather than something that is objectively knowable “(Dejong & Kim Berg, 1998, p.228) and the client’s frame of reference is respected by the therapist taking the posture of not-knowing with the client as expert to resolve his own problem:

The not-knowing position entails a general attitude or stance in which the therapist’s actions communicate an abundant, genuine curiosity. That is, the therapist’s actions and attitudes express a need to know more about what has been said, rather than convey preconceived opinions and expectations about the client, the problem, or what must be changed. The therapist, therefore, positions himself or herself in such a way as always to be in a state of “being informed” by the client. (Ander-son & Goolishian, 1992, p.29).

3.3 The fundamental basis of the BM Model

In Buddhist theories and practices, the parallel of the posture of not- knowing can be drawn from the concept of skillful understanding (yoniso-mansikara) which is rooted in right mindfulness (sammasati), the seventh link in the Eightfold Noble Path. The practice of mindfulness is to enhance self-awareness in “body, feelings, mind and factors affecting enlightenment” (McConnell, 1995, p.185):

Since everything we know and do involve our own mental processes in some way, increasing self-awareness of the reality of life increases, attachment to the self-picture decreases. Self-awareness first undermines and then progressively transcends self-centredness. Skillful understanding is thus understanding rooted in self-awareness (p.186).

Thus, in Buddhist world view, the 12 links underlies that ignorance (avijja) is

the cause of all karmic activities (sankhara). Ignorance means lack of self-awareness and understanding of the true nature of existence (1995, p. 184):

The sheer crudeness of an understanding of the world based on avijja (spiritual ignorance) makes problems inevitable. Central to a Buddhist response to greed, hate, and delusion is that our self-awareness becomes more refined.

To put Buddhist right mindfulness and skillful understanding in the context of

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conflict resolution, there are the elements of greed (lobha), hate (dosa) and delusion (moha), the unwholesome roots of action (akusala-mula) found in all conflicts (p. 183-184): a. Greed often involves self-centered desire for change or resisting change by

protecting ones own interest over issues such as money, possession, sex, power, respect and so on.

b. Hate or anger comes from resentment or hostility between the disputants most often caused by the way they treat each other since the conflict. Their interactions have caused more suffering to the other than the original conflict.

c. Delusion is caused by the disputants’ image of the “self” versus the “enemy”. “Conflict analysis needs to identify the views, perceptions, attachments, and emotions of all the parties in dispute” (p.184).

By integrating the questioning skills of solution-focused brief therapy, the BM

Model aims to create a model of conflict resolution that is based on the practice of right mindfulness, skillful understanding and also to transform the unwholesome roots of action of the disputants by enhancing their self-awareness and “loosening up their rigid self-centredness” (p.185). 3.4 The five aggregates

Mathieu Boisvert in his book The Five Aggregates – Understanding Theravada Psychology and Soteriology (1995) in an effort to make a thorough contextual analysis of the concept of pancakkhandha and of each of its members, clarifies in his study:

the fundamentals of Buddhist psychology by analyzing one of the earliest classifications of the conditioned phenomena (sankhatadhamma) – the five aggregates – investigating the role that these aggregates play in the cognitive process and explaining how they chain us to the wheel of misery (p.1)

By searching for every occurrence of the word, variations of the word, in whatever form or compound it appears, he stored up the word in the original paragraphs and passages. He then catalogued these passages according to their implications. He found that most of the references only defined the five aggregates as matter (rupa), sensation (vedana), recognition (sanna), karmic activity (sankhara) and consciousness (vinnana). Only through detailed analysis of the passages compiled, he was able to “frame a structure that circumscribed the meaning and the function of each of these aggregates”:

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Although the five aggregates are seen as responsible for the arising of suffering, no academic research has established how the function of each of these aggregates chains beings to the cycle of birth, death and rebirth. I am convinced that without a thorough understanding of the five aggregates, we cannot grasp the liberation process at work within the individual, who is, after all, nothing but an amalgam of the five aggregates (p.11).

The significance of the five aggregates is well established in Buddhist

philosophy. It has been generally accepted that the Buddha uttered his discourses in which he cited the five aggregates in the fifth and sixth centuries B.C.E. in North India and that they were written down in the first century B.C.E. in Sri Lanka (p.2). Although the Pali Canon and its commentaries were written down seven centuries later, it is still true that the Theravada tradition has upheld the theory of the five aggregates of realities as the fundamental philosophy of Buddhism for liberation from suffering. According to Boisvert, the key to liberation from suffering is the understanding of the functions of the five aggregates and their relationship to the 12 links. The aggregates that are most important for the change process are the functions of sensation (vedana), recognition (sanna) and karmic activities (sankhara):

Sensation – being either pleasant, unpleasant or neutral – can occur only in a body which is conscious. Similarly, recognition occurs solely when consciousness is aware of sensations. The karmic activities, sometimes restricted to volition (cetana), were gradually elaborated to include about fifty principles, from “contact” (phassa, the combination of a sense organ, its object and consciousness), energy and greed to understanding, benevolence, compassion and attention. (Foreword, p.ix).

3.5 The twelve links of dependent-arising or origination (“12 links”)

The Buddhist theory of cause, conditions and effect is based on the karmic

effect of our actions. A seed (cause) will need earth, water, air and sun (necessary conditions) to grow into a plant (effect). Karma means actions which may be virtuous or non-virtuous and brings happiness or suffering immediately in this lifetime or later in this lifetime or other lifetime. The source of suffering from bad karmas comes from “the afflictive emotions of desire, hatred, and ignorance”(Gyatso, 2000, p.42) which give rise to the non-virtuous actions under the cyclic existence depicted in the 12 links.

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The first link is ignorance which basically means the “non-knowing of how

things actually exist” or “the wrong consciousness that conceives the opposite of how things actually do exist” (p.44). This misconception of how things exist may be about the self (and the other people out there) or the external phenomena as inherently exist with their own power and not dependent.

Ignorance is linked to suffering in relation to how one is unknowing about its rise, its cessation and the way to go for its cessation, as explained by the Buddha in the Four Noble Truths (MacConnel, 1995, p.20). Ignorance is closely connected with our internal experience of what is “objective reality”, our feeling, perception, activities and consciousness. These are all related to the five aggregates which constitute the “I” or “self”. Therefore, one is “ignorant” if one does not know one’s five aggregates from moment to moment.

Activities in sankhara cover those of deed, speech and mind (1995, p.25) that are actively responsible in the karmic process to produce more karmic activities (1995, p.8 – 9). The word sankhara has many meanings in the Pali text and sutras. Boisvert (1995) commented after a full investigation of the underlying meaning of the word samskara, that there were two ways of defining the term: a. “it is a productive force, like volition, which outflows from actions (mental,

physical or verbal) and produces effects;” or b. “it compromises everything that exists – all compounded things – these are

conditioned phenomena” (p.103).

Furthermore, there are active or passive productive forces. The active ones are likely to be produced in association with the other aggregates. They are also more likely to produce more conditioned phenomena. The passive ones are likely to be independent of the personal psychological process and are incapable of producing anything other than the decaying process that is inherent in all compounded phenomena.

That sankhara is linked to the kamma-process and thus related to the eighth, ninth and tenth links of the chain of dependent origination was explained by Boisvert (1995): The Vibhanga further states that sankhara produced by ignorance are

threefold: meritorious sankhara, non-meritorious sankhara and “unshakable” sankhara. (p.97)

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Boisvert further commented that: sankhara are associated with the mind and that sankhara are either

good, bad or neutral…….All these[50] principles which arise in accordance with the paticcasamuppada, and which exclude the vedanakkhandha, the sannakkhandha and the vinnanakkhandha, fall under the sankharakkhandha catergory. (p.106)

Sankhara can be based on “the six roots of action”, three being wholesome (non-aversion, non-craving and non-delusion) and three unwholesome (aversion, craving and delusion). Sankhara as the second link of paticcasamupada, and sankharakkhandha are both forces that will generate a result. In the Theravada tradition, the whole process of existence is divided into two (p.110): a. kammabhava - the karma-process of active existence which is the cause of

rebirth ( first and second links, avijja and sankhara, representing the past) and b. uppattibhava - the regenerating or rebirth-process of passive existence (11th

and 12th links, jati and jaramarana, representing the future).

For the present period, “the first five links of the paticcasamuppada – links three to seven: vinnana, namarupa, salayatana, phassa, vedana – are part of the passive aspect while the last three links of the present period – links eight to ten : tanha, upadana and bhava – are part of the active aspect of existence” (p.110). Boisvert (1995) also confirmed that according to the list of fifty sankhara, “thinking about” and “consideration” both precede “craving” which cannot arise without “envy (issa) and avarice (macchariya) as well as desire (chanda)”; all of these three elements have their origin in obsessions as stated in the Sakkapanhasutta (p.111).

Thus the third link: consciousness that carries a cause and effect component that leads the action to fruition of the fourth link of name and form infused with consciousness. Name is the “four mental aggregates of feeling, discrimination, compositional factors, and consciousness. Form is the aggregate of physical phenomena (Gyatso, the Dalai Lama, 2000, p.51).” Some observable events or happenings will result from the consciousness in the second link.

From the name and form the fifth link is “the six sense spheres – the inner promoters of consciousness, which are the eye, ear, nose, tongue, body, and metal senses (2000, p.57).” The sixth link is contact which “distinguishes objects as pleasurable, painful, or neutral” (2000, p.57) depending on the sense power and

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consciousness to experience the contact. The seventh is feeling. The eighth, ninth and tenth links are attachment, grasping and existence (or craving, clinging and becoming). This group of third to tenth links represents the present cause for future effect of birth and death as the eleventh and twelfth links. 3.6 Relationship between the 12 links and the five aggregates

Boisvert argues that the order of the five aggregates has great significance

despite what other Buddhist scholars such as Stcherbatsky (1962) (who claims the aggregates’ order is from coarse to subtle) and Rhys Davids (1924)(who claims that the aggregates’ order is due to “practical” reasons) have postulated (p. 5). The reason was that the order of the five aggregates “had to be in total accord with the theory of dependent origination (paticcasamuppada; literally “arising on the ground of a preceding cause”). For example, “on account of ignorance, karmic activities arise” as the normal order (anuloma). It may be presented in the reverse order (patiloma), “from the thorough eradication of ignorance, karmic activities are eradicated.”(p.6): Table 1. The Twelve Links of the Chain of Dependent Origination (with 3 temporal divisions) 1. Ignorance (avijja) 2. Karmic activities (sankhara) Past 3. Consciousness (vinnana) 4. Mind and matter (namarupa) 5. Six sense-doors (salayatana) 6. Contact (phassa) 7. Sensation (vedana) 8. Craving (tanha) 9. Clinging (upadana) 10. Becoming (bhava) Present 11. Birth (jati) 12. Old age, death,… (jaramarana, …) Future

Although the chain of dependent origination is said to be a causal theory, it cannot be deduced that the cause will automatically lead to the effect. As Stcherbatsky remarked (1962, p.6):

In this sense the logical law of Causation is the reverse of the real law

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of Causation. A cause is not a reason. The cause is not a sufficient reason for predicating (or predicting) the effect. But the effect is a sufficient reason for affirming apodictically the preceding existence of its cause.

The 12 links is said to be “the origin of the entire mass of suffering (dukkha)” (Boisvert, p.8) and the deactivation of any of the 12 links is the way to break the chain of suffering. In his discourses and specifically in Mahavagga of the Anguttaranikaya, the Buddha referred to the five “clinging- aggregates” (upadanakkhandha) responsible for binding the individual to the cycle of birth, death and rebirth (samsara), as the root of all suffering. This implies that the clinging effect of the aggregates is the cause of suffering and not the bare aggregates themselves. The relationship between the five aggregates is thus closely linked with the chain of dependent origination.

In the Theravada tradition, the chain is divided into three temporal divisions (p.10) :

Within one lifespan (links 11-12; birth and old age and death), one keeps generating karmic activities (link 2) because of ignorance (link 1), and this generation of karmic activities due to ignorance is more easily understandable by examining the process described by the eight middle

links….. Equally striking is that the division of the chain of causation into three time periods implies the presence of the five aggregates in each of these periods, for individuals (themselves composed of the five aggregates) must experience this process within each of the periods.

As certain links of the chain of dependent origination cover either past, present

or future in temporal division, it has been observed by Boisvert (1995) that

Since the past is nothing but the aging of the present, and the present the actualization of the future, each temporal division has to be seen as the paraphrasing of, or a different perspective on, the two other divisions (p.9).

Boisvert correlates some of the 12 links with the five aggregates to show

that “these links share the same order as the traditional nomenclature of the five aggregates, and that the latter fulfils the same function as the links of the

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paticcasamuppada.” (p.9). He postulates that “recognition” (the third Aggregate) is central to the transmigration process because it links desire (tanha or craving) to sensation. “Recognition” is placed between sensation and craving within the links. “Recognition” may then be turned wholesome by understanding the impermanence, suffering and emptiness nature of existence, i.e. replaced by wisdom (panna or understanding). The chain will thus be broken and the clinging effect of the aggregates will not materialize. The craving, clinging and becoming (eighth to tenth links) are correlated with the karmic activities (the fourth Aggregate) in this middle part of the links. Karmic activities will lead to obsessions if unchecked. Therefore to reverse the chain, one has to change the “recognition” in order to stop the chain from developing into obsession and attachment that creates the suffering.

It is postulated by Boisvert that due to the preceding reason that sanna is not found in the 12 links. Sanna which is translated as “recognition” does not inevitably generate craving. Obsessions and recognition of views (dit thisanna) would fall into category of sankharakkhandha and not sannakkhandha. “The sannakkhandha is the ground for the development of obsessions (as views, ditthi) (p.83).” There are two types of sanna: a. Unwholesome sanna – lead to sorrow and unhappiness because it generates

obsessions. In this case, the unwholesome sanna will fall into the catergory of craving (tanha) immediately after sensation (vedana) has taken effect.

b. Wholesome sanna –“improve one’s future by approaching reality through the three characteristics of existence (anicca, anatta, and dukkha) and seven other perspectives which, taken all together, constitute the ten sanna enumerated in the Girimanandasutta (p.84-85).” If this happens under the 12 links, the wholesome sanna will not generate any craving (tanha) and the process of 12 links will cease.

The recognition of impermanence (anicca), of selflessness (anatta), and of

suffering (dukkha) constitutes the basis of wisdom which must be developed through practice of vipassana (i.e. insight) which in turn is cultivated by the awareness of impermanence, suffering and selflessness. By cultivating wholesome sanna, one can stop craving and develop wisdom through which one can transform conflict and break away from the cycle of the paticcasumuppada.

In the paticcasumuppada, feeling (vedana) is followed by craving (tanha). Boisvert (1995) proposes that if craving were to arise, it would depend on the response to sensation. The response to sensation would be sanna and it should be positioned between vedana and tanha. Craving, clinging and becoming would fall

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into sankharakkhandha which also include “thinking about”. Sannakkhandha classifies sensations as not just ‘blue or yellow’ but also as ‘worth craving or worth hating’. That means that “if the sensation is interpreted by a recognition that leads to obsessions (similar to views, dit thi), one will suffer under the illusion that this particular sensation is permanent, a source of pleasure or associated with the self.

In Buddhism, it is these particular views that are responsible for the

“misperception of reality and bondage to samsara, for they are grounds for craving “(p.88). On the other hand, wholesome sanna was the recognition of sensation that would be interpreted as not “worth craving for’” since “it is impermanent, suffering and selfless” (p.88).

The BM Model is built on the theoretical basis of the correlation between the five aggregates and the 12 links. Applying the theories on the 12 links to conflict resolution, it can be said that because of the effect that there is the affirming of the cause of how the conflict is created. It is postulated that the process of mediation can be fitted into the three temporal divisions of the 12 links. Due to the active karmic activities of the past conflict under the first and second links, the parties are suffering from the effect of the conflict that they are experiencing at the present (third to seventh links). The present obsessions of the disputants caused by their active karmic activities under the eight to tenth links will lead to a future effect or outcome under the 11th and 12 links. The transformation of the active karmic activities in the present moment will change the outcome in future. Transformation within the 12 links process can take effect by changing the unwholesome sanna to wholesome sanna which are the disputants’ perceptions or recognitions in the present moment.

3.7 The Five Aggregates Reframing Model (“Five ARM”)

Under the Western communication models, one of the most commonly taught skills in improving communication with other people is to express oneself through four categories: your observations, thoughts, feelings and needs (McKay, Davis, Fanning, 1983, p. 39). For example, a statement from a daughter, “I know, I know, you don’t have to tell me” can be expressed alternatively in a “Whole” Message : “Mother, you’ve reminded me four times about the forthcoming examinations (observation) and I get the impression you think I’m stupid or lazy (thinking). I feel watched over and it makes me angry (feeling). Let me handle this myself and we can talk about it if I mess up (need).”

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A modified version of this kind of “Whole” Message is the “I” Message model taught extensively in communication training courses such as parenting training, negotiation and mediation training for children as well as adults. This communication skill is highly valuable in mediation practices and training for reframing negative patterns of expression or communication. The “I” Message includes at least the components of thinking and feeling of oneself regarding a situation. For example, “When you call me names at school, I feel mad because I am not respected.” The goal is to express accurately ones thinking and feeling without any personal blame or accusation. It will also have the effect of reinforcing the sense of self or “I” as against the “you” out there.

It is proposed in this thesis that when the “Whole” Message or “I” Message

model is used in the BM Model with the principles of the five aggregates, the goal of the reframing is a. to move forward the process of conflict resolution under the reversal of the 12

links and b. to bring about the effect of non- attachment to the ego as the focal point of the

personality and the sense of “I-ness” (Harding, 1965, p.68).

Buddhists posit that the “I” or “self” is imputed dependently upon the continuum of the five aggregates as mentioned above. The Forms are physical forms or phenomenal reality. Sensation and Recognition are mental factors which are the source of all disputes in human conflict. Our Sensation and Recognition become the basis of afflictive actions that will cause us to be in a cyclic existence due to our attachment to pleasurable feeling and wanting to be separated from painful feeling. If and when the Sensation or Recognition components of the five aggregates are changed, the Karmic Activities will change accordingly. Thus the sense of self or “I” will be constantly changing or changeable from moment to moment. By analysis, the “I” cannot be found exclusively in any part of the continuum of the five aggregates. (Gyatso & Hopkins, 2000)

To analyse the continuum of the five aggregates (Boisvert, 1997) : (I) Form (rupa): What is considered the body or objective reality i.e. the facts

or the material realm. (II) Sensation (vedana) : What one feels inside the body as emotions as well as

mental sensations. (III) Recognition (sanna): What one is thinking as the logical conclusion from

(I). (IV) Karmic Activities (sankhara) : may be conscious or unconscious needs or

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wants or Obsession. (V) Consciousness (vinnana) : the six senses and the mental capacity through

which different levels of awareness from (I) to (IV) are experienced.

Thus the new theory of reframing used in the BM Model is designed to enhance self-awareness as well as non-attachment to this sense of self or “I-ness” at any one moment by analysis of the continuum of the five aggregates from (I) to (IV) above.

By applying the BM Model, the mediator firstly identifies the obsessions or

motivations that brought about the chain of karmic activities of the fourth Aggregate (sankhara). By analyzing the five aggregates, one is able to apprehend the fact that there is no concrete “self” being discovered in the continuum of the five aggregates and is said to attain “no self” or selflessness. Thus, Buddhists accept that there is ultimately “no self” to bear the suffering of the afflictive emotions and even the suffering itself does not inherently exist (Gyatso & Hopkins, 2000).

Reframing the statements of the parties who are accusatory and blaming each

other is recognized as one of the major skills for a mediator. It is likely that when people are in disputes with each other, they accuse each other of being “a bad person”. They become defensive in their response to each other due to the attack on their self-image. Hence, one of the nature of existence is the Buddhist idea that life is “empty” or ‘selfless’- this is similar to non-attachment to the self-image (thereby free from greed, hatred and delusion) in the context of changing the third Aggregate, sanna from unwholesome to wholesome. Thus, by recognition of the three characteristics of existence according to the Buddhist world view of ”impermanence, selflessness and dissatisfaction”, the Buddhist mediator’s hypothesis is to reframe the sanna to a wholesome recognition that does not have its base on the unwholesome roots (McConnell, 1995). This approach is certainly more transformative than the approach of the facilitative or therapeutic model of mediation because it aims to change the root cause of the conflict as part of the personality of the disputants and not only to enhance the negotiation process.

Therefore, by analyzing the mediation sessions with the process research

method, this thesis will attempt to look at the micro-steps of how the Five ARM can take effect within the BM Model. The results will also show the process of the BM Model as a process of transformation of the cause and effect of the conflict under the three temporal divisions of the 12 links. The detail analysis of the data will show how the reverse order (patiloma) of the 12 links can take effect in the

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process of change in a clinical setting. (End of Chapter 3)

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CHAPTER 4: METHODOLOGY

Under the section of data analysis, there will be demonstrations of the BM

Model and Five ARM by:

a. Process Research on case studies from mediation sessions and

b. Discourse Analysis of the journals and role-playing exercises involving the

students of the BM course under the Masters Programme of the Centre of

Buddhist Studies, University of Hong Kong.

The mixed methods will give an objective description and a subjective account

of what the BM model is.

4.1 Process Research 4.1.1 Conceptual framework on process research




4.1.2.1 Purposive sampling,


4.1.3 Method of Data analysis

4.1.3.1 Coding method



4.2 Discourse Analysis 4.2.1 Constructivist world view





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4.1 Process Research

4.1.1 Conceptual framework on process research

By applying process research as defined by Pinsof (2000) to the mediation

process, the present research focuses on the interaction of the parties in dispute and

the mediator as systems. The goal is to identify any process of change in the

interaction of these systems by analyzing the data, which includes all behavior and

experiences of the parties and the mediator systems inside and outside of the

mediation sessions (Pinsof, Mann, Lebow, 2000).

For the selection of the units of analysis in this research, both formal and

clinical criteria will be used. The objectives of the research can be satisfied by

a. using the clinical criteria of selection to demonstrate the specific

intervention-effect of the Five ARM in the session, and

b. using the formal criteria of selection to demonstrate the specific part or parts of

the session which correlate with the process of change and the theory of the 12

links (paticcasamuppda).

The basic epistemological assumptions of process research are as follows

(Pinsof, 1994):

a. emphasis on pattern, information and relationship

b. circular causality

c. assertion that the whole cannot be understood adequately by breaking it into

parts or by examining parts in isolation, and

d. no “knowable” independent, objective reality and that the observer

participates in the creation of the known.

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Case studies are a research strategy or methodological approach for data

collecting (Hammersley M., 1992). I have chosen the case studies from a joint

project between the University of Hong Kong and Tsinghua University, Beijing by

applying the family mediation model to couples in conflict in Beijing. The project

was funded by the Centre on Behavioral Health, University of Hong Kong in 2003

and I was the mediator and researcher of the project. I was supported by Ms. Liu

Dan, a family therapist from Tsinghua Counselling Centre in the process of

mediation and research. The Chinese transcript was done by the staff from

Tsinghua University and the English translation was done by a graduate from

Tsinghua University who is a social worker, counselor and trained mediator. All the

cases were video taped with the consent of the clients. All necessary written

consent has been obtained from the relevant parties to use the transcripts from the

cases for the purpose of this research. The original research design was to use case

studies as an exploratory study to find out how the couples in Beijing respond to

family mediation as an intervention. Apart from the outcome of the research

which I have reported in an article submitted to the Centre on Behavioral Health,

University of Hong Kong, I envisaged in my proposal for funding, that the tapes or

the transcript of the cases could be used for future research, educational and training

purposes. These live cases are important materials for demonstrating the process of

mediation for research and training purposes.

The process of mediation used in the joint research project was proposed to be

modeled from the universal model of process of change as described by Egan (2002)

(See Diagram A in the Appendix). “From G. Egan’s The Skilled Helper (2002), it is

said that the cultural difference will most probably lie in the communication between

clients and skilled helpers but the process of change will still be the universal model

of how clients arrive at the solution stage : (1) Stage 1: What’s going on? Or

Story-telling (2) Stage 2: What solution makes sense to me? (3) Stage 3: How

do I get what I need or want? “(Research report to the Centre on Behavioral Health,

2004). Therefore, there is an assumption that the mediation process and any other

effective therapeutic process of change is embedded in a universal model of process

of change such as the process described by Egan.

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The data collected in the said joint research project can therefore be used for the

current research purpose which is to use the process research method to study the

process of change from the episodes or change event as an “identifiable island of

behavior” where a specific clinical “task” is worked on (Greenberg, 1984 p. 124)

within the mediation session that are observable from the discourse between the

clients and the mediator through linguistic, paralinguistic and non-verbal channels of

behavior (Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson and Skowrom, 1994). Under the

task analysis approach, the conceptual model of a change event occurs when the

three components are present: marker, task environment and resolution (Greenberg,

1984). The marker signals the first sign of the client expressing the need to change.

This happened when the couple first encountered the mediator for help to resolve

their conflict. The mid-section of the change event, the task environment consists

of the therapists’ specific operations (strategies and interventions) and the clients

performances (internal experiences and behavior) that lead to resolution or the

indication of desire to change (Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998). In

this research, the resolution was the sustained engagement of the couples in

constructive process of conflict resolution (Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson and

Skowron, 1994).

In accordance with the task analysis approach (Greenberg, 1984), by developing

the theoretical framework of the BM Model and the Five ARM, I have effectively

developed a rational model of the successful change event from the literature and my

own clinical expertise. By using the approach of task analysis to study the process

of change in this thesis, I apply the data from the case studies of the joint research

project and subject them to the intensive analysis of “a small sample of successful

change episodes… undertaken for the purpose of refining the rational model. The

revised conceptual model can then be subjected to additional empirical

tests.”(Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington , 1998 ). The results are

substantiated by data that represent effective and ineffective samples of the rational

model (Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994) (See Diagram B in

the Appendix) by comparing the analysis of data from the live mediation cases with

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the samples from the role-playing exercises of the BM model of the students of the

BM course. On the basis of this comparative analysis of carefully selected samples,

the theory and application of the Five ARM and the BM Model is refined.


4.1.2.1 Purposive sampling

As opposed to the grounded theory (Glaser & Strauss, 1967; Corbin & Strauss,

1990) approach which aimed to develop theory from data alone, the current research

adopts the analytic induction method because I have already developed a “rough

definition of the phenomenon to be explained” (Taylor & Bogdan, 1984, p. 127). I

adopt the modified analytic induction method under which the sampling procedure is

termed “purposive sampling”. These samples are selected as observations that are

“believed to facilitate the expansion of the developing theory” (Bogdan & Biklen,

1992, pp. 71-72). Samples from the data from each case are examined and

analyzed according to the criteria and focus described below. Each case will in

turn be re-examined as the current thesis is continually being modified with new

interpretations or additional information to existing theories made up from further

literature reviews of the Buddhist theories as well as the theory on process of change

in family therapy and mediation. By moving from the observation of the actual

behavior from the transcript and interpreting the observation as “potential indicators

of phenomena, which are hereby given conceptual labels” (Corbin and Strauss, 1990,

p. 7), there is a constant comparison of the observation and interpretation of each

case and within cases. “By continuous recycling, no single case sets the standard

for the other.” (Coulehan, Friedlander,& Heatherington ,1998). The objective of the

analysis of data is to “develop a descriptive model that encompasses all cases of

phenomena (Bogdan & Biklen, 1992, p. 70).”

The cases were live cases of couples in conflict in Beijing who volunteered to

be involved in the project. The criteria for selection of the sample group was that

they should be married couples or married/divorced women who were experiencing

relational/marital conflict that they wished to resolve through the process of

mediation by a family mediator from Hong Kong. Since I only had about ten days

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at Tsinghua University to do the clinical part of the research project, the sample size

was small, with only eight cases.

I have carefully selected the three cases for the following reasons:

a. Numbers and time lapse of sessions – The first two sessions occurred within a

short space of time to minimize the other possible variables interfering with the

change process in between sessions.

b. The sample group was from a similar background and age - They were all

self-referrals who were informed of the joint research project at the Tsinghua

Counseling Centre by their colleagues or close friends. The issues and themes

arising from the parties’ background were similar except for their stages of

marriage and years of marriage (ranging from just over one year to over six

years) and their ability to engage in the constructive conflict resolution process.

c. I interviewed all the cases with the assistance of a co-therapist, Dr. Liu Dan,

who was an experienced counselor and psychologist graduated from Beijing

University. She would be the counselor to follow up with any further work on

the cases if necessary. The cultural relevance, consistency of the intervention

and level of competency of the mediator is ensured (Lee, 2001; Kirkbride, Tand

and Westwood, 1991; Li Yin Ho, 2000).


The demographic characteristics of the sample group of participants were as

follows:

1. The first case involved a professional couple who were both in their mid 30’s.

The husband was a doctor who had changed his career to become a lawyer.

The wife was a doctor who specialized in psychoanalysis. Both were

post-graduates and had a son who was 5 years old. They had been married for

over seven years. Their marital relationship was stable and they were highly

resourceful as a professional couple. At the time of the interview, the couple

had moved away from their parents’ house where they had lived from the time

they first got married to the birth of their son. There was a high level of

engagement with this couple in their problem-solving ability (Friedlander,

Heatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994).

48

2. The second case involved a couple who were about the same age in their early

30’s and had just divorced for a few days. The husband was a self-employed

IT consultant. The wife worked for a government organization as a researcher

in physics. Both were university graduates. They had a son who was three

years of age. They had been married for about four years. They were

incapable of communicating with each other in a rational manner due to their

negative pattern of interaction. The couple first lived with the husband’s

parents but later moved to their own matrimonial home that the husband had

purchased in his sole name. They had separated and the son was living with the

wife at her parents’ home. The husband was living alone at the matrimonial

home at the time of the interview. The couple demonstrated indirect or passive

disengagement in their problem-solving ability (Heatherington and Friedlander,

1990).

3. The third case involved a couple who had been married for just over one year

and had no children. The husband was 32 and the wife was 25. The

husband was a manager of a business and the wife was a school teacher. They

were educated up to college level. Their marital relationship was unstable and

volatile as they were struggling to find their couple identity. They were still

living with the husband’s parents. They had purchased a property and were in

the process of decorating it as their matrimonial home. This couple was

directly evasive about conflicts that needed discussion and was assessed as

“disengaged” in their problem-solving ability (Heatherington and Friedlander,

1990).

4.1.3 The method of data analysis

4.1.3.1 The coding method

For choosing the units of analysis for this process research, I use the following

criteria for selection of episodes from the transcript (Pinsof, 1989):

a. formal criteria for selection of units from the transcript by using the three

stages of the process of change as highlighted above as Stage 1, Stage 2 and

Stage 3 (Egan, 2002). The three stages are correlated to the mediation process

and the theory of the 12 links to illustrate the BM Model.

49

b. clinical criteria for selection of units from the transcript for specific task

analysis of intervention-effect by selecting sections that show what the

mediator did as an intervention or strategy and how the clients responded or

“clients’ performances” (Greenberg, 1984). The analysis of these units is for the

purpose of illustrating the Five ARM and evaluating the effectiveness of this

new reframing model in achieving a shift in a “new awareness ” of the couples

towards their five aggregates which constituted their respective “self” in any

one moment.

c. As a sub-coding system for analysis, the coding system of Cognitive

Construction Coding System (“CCCS”) (Friedlander, 1995) is used

specifically to permit a clinically meaningful reconstruction of the therapeutic

process of change that can be translated universally across different models.

By applying the CCCS to the data in this research, the transcript is checked for

problem elaboration (PE) episodes (or speaking turns) indicating the

intrapersonal/interpersonal dimension of the conflict from the parties. The

intrapersonal code is assigned when the party attributes the conflict or problem

solely to one individual or party (e.g. “She is overreacting.”). The

interpersonal code is applied when two or more people are identified in the

problem or conflict (e.g. “Maybe it’s not all his fault. Maybe I am too rough to his

sister-in-law. Maybe I should treat her differently. “).

Subject to the above selection criteria, the data will be analyzed focusing on the

following:

a. what the mediator did as an intervention or strategy

b. how the parties responded or their performances (Greenberg, 1984)

c. objectives of the intervention or strategy and

d. inferences are drawn from the data analysis to refine the theory and

execution of the Five ARM and the BM Model and

e. where appropriate, comparison and correlation are made to the

following perspectives:

(i) The process of change(Egan, 2002)

(ii) The facilitative model of mediation(Boulle, 1996)

(iii) The Therapeutic Family Mediation (“TFM”) Model which has been

adapted to Chinese Families since 1994 and reported by Professor Howard

50

Irving in his book Family Mediation: Theory and Practice with Chinese

Families (2002), and

(iv) The transformative model of mediation (Bush & Folger, 1994).

The analysis on the data covering (a), (b), and (c) above will be in italics but not

for (d) and (e). The sub-coding of CCCS will be made in ‘bold’ letters for

intrapersonal coded sequences and ‘bold and italics’ for interpersonal coded

sequences.


The most important criteria for process research are the universality of the

research outcome (Pinsof, 1989). The research instruments should not be used just

for the exploration of certain variables only important to one particular school or

style of mediation. Universality means that from the process research, a common

language will be developed about specific features of an approach that will permit

across-school comparisons and allow a common feature that transcends different

approaches to be drawn from the research outcome.

The overall effectiveness of the BM Model and the Five ARM will be assessed

according to existing theory and research on successful change event:

a. According to the research by Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson &

Skmowron,(1994) (See Diagram B in the Appendix) when they compared 4

successful cases and 4 unsuccessful cases to find out how to engage resistant

clients to discuss a specific topic and engage in problem solving, it is observed

that there are two steps in the therapeutic process that are important to be

effective (Nichols, 1998, p. 525):

(i) The family members acknowledge their individual contributions to the

interpersonal impasse and

(ii) The family members communicate their thoughts and feelings about the

impasse. This disclosure is validated by others [and] they must form new

constructions of each other’s behavior and recognize the value of the

engagement.

51

b. According to the research by Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington (1998))

(See Diagram C in the Appendix) (Nichols, 1998, p. 525), they identified four

successful and four unsuccessful intake sessions from the questionnaire

responses of therapists, observing staff members and an independent panel of

clinicians. The successful interviews were those in which the parent’s

construction of the problem shifted from an intra-psychic focus on one child to

a more relational or interpersonal view. A qualitative comparison of the

successful and unsuccessful transformations suggested a three stage sequences

of change (Niclols, 1998, p. 525):

(i) the family members offer their individual constructions of the problem and

interpersonal dynamics and differences or exceptions to the problems are

explored

(ii) the positive aspects of the problem child are acknowledged as well as other

contributing factors such as family history or strengths so that a gradual

shift in the emotional tone of the session is observed from a position of

blaming to a softened or more supportive position.

(iii) the family members express hope or recognize that change is possible.

c. Comparative analysis – A comparative analysis of the three cases will be

meaningful where the major variable of the cases was that there was a wide

range and variety of the levels of conflict of these couples and the theory of the

Five ARM and the BM Model can be refined to give a better picture of how it

can be applied effectively to couples with a varied level of engagement in their

conflict resolution ability (Heatherington and Friedlander, 1990). The

comparative analysis will be applied to the successful sequences and the

unsuccessful sequences of the three case studies and the role-playing exercises

respectively.

By evaluating the sequences or change events from the data according to the

above criteria, the characteristics and elements found in the successful change event

are compared to those in the unsuccessful sequences. After the case analysis of

each of the live cases and the role plays, a comparative analysis will be made to

consolidate the learning from these case studies and a chart of the process of the BM

Model will be created to show the precise steps to take in order to achieve the goals

52

as mentioned. The BM Model represented by this chart shows the sequences of the

process of change which will serve to contribute to a new map to look at conflict

from the internal as well as the external observable experiences of the disputants as a

transformative approach to conflict resolution.


Since I am the principal “instrument” in this research (Moon, Dillon, & Sprekle,

1990, p. 360) of the collection and analysis of the data, I shall make explicit my

biases, background, experience and expectations that may affect the finding of the

research. Other than my personal background disclosed in Chapter One, I have

made certain remedies to safeguard the prejudices that I may have in producing the

results of this research. I have made provisions to do the following:

a. use peer reviewers, both of them mediators and researchers who have not been

involved in my research to confirm the theoretical framework and selection of

the data according to the criteria as mentioned

b. use the journals of the students as ‘testimony’ (Stiles, 1993) for the validity of

the BM Model

c. for reliability and validity of this research, the research result will support the

consistency in the pattern identified in the sample (Stiles, 1993) and the BM

Model’s consistency with the literature, its internal coherence and its clinical

relevance (Stiles, 1993).

4.2 Discourse Analysis

4.2.1 Constructivist world view

A qualitative approach by way of Discourse Analysis will be used in the

analysis of the data as part of this thesis. Discourse refers to any text or speech

produced in social context (Howarth and Stavrakakis, 1999). Discourse analysis

refers to “the practice of analyzing empirical raw materials and information as

discursive forms (p.4)”.

53

People say what they have to say about a certain object from their unique

positions in society so that their representations of the object from those particular

viewpoints and the social text produced in the discourse forms a social practice

which in turn contributes to the social construct of the shared reality. Discourse

analysis is the analysis of the social text against the social context in order to show

the social reality they construct and the multiple meanings of the object of analysis.

Discourse Analysis aims to discover the underlying agenda and the assumptions in

the sociopolitical context and to compare and contrast the social positions of the

speakers or authors of the text and their social relationships they represent.

The analyst does not claim to discover the objective truth about anything that

has occurred in the social context but only to highlight the power positions and

relations through the analyst’s interpretation of the social text. As the analyst is

putting forth an alternative way of looking at the object of analysis through the

analysis of the selected text, the analysis itself can be subjected to further analysis

which forms part of the on going discourse practice (Gubrium & Holstein, 1997,

2000).

Discourse Analysis has an epistemological basis of the middle ground between

the positivistic and the naturalistic world views. As a qualitative interpretive

practice, it does not purport to describe as many samples or richly detailed

descriptions of the world as the naturalists but it is grounded in its interpretation of

the data as empirical evidence of the social reality as far as the process of

constructing such worlds is concerned. Positioning himself between empiricism

and theoreticism, the analyst does not apply a pre-existing theory to the empirical

data but chooses to “articulate their concepts in each particular enactment of concrete

research. The condition for this conception of conducting research is that the

concepts and logics of the theoretical framework must be sufficiently ‘open’ and

flexible enough to be adapted, deformed and transformed in the process of

application (Howarth & Stavrakakis, 1999 p.5)”.

Discourse theory assumes that there is meaning in every object and action and

the meaning is mediated by certain rules that are applied at that historical moment.

54

Similar to Heidegger’s observation, discourse theory agrees that we cannot

perceive any object outside our thought which is conditioned by the social meaning

and practices within the social context in which we live (Mulhall, 1996). It is

explained by Laclau and Mouffe (1985, p. 108) that:

The fact that every object is constituted as an object of discourse has

nothing to do with whether there is a world external to thought, or with

the realism/idealism opposition. An earthquake or the falling of a

brick is an event that certainly exists, in the sense that it occurs here and

now, independently of my will. But whether their specificity as

objects is constructed in terms of ‘natural phenomena’ or ‘expressions

of the wrath of God’, depends upon the structuring of a discursive field.

What is denied is not that such objects exist externally to thought, but

the rather different assertion that they could constitute themselves as objects outside any discursive conditions of emergence.


According to Foucault (1975), in discourses, there are always the signified and

signifier contained in statements which must have a substance and a context such as

date and place. Knowledge is defined as “that which one can speak in a discursive

practice, and which is specified by that fact; the domain constituted by the different

objects that will or will not acquire a scientific status” (p. 181). Knowledge is also

the space in which the subject may speak about an object by taking up a certain

position and it may be the field of co-ordination and subordination of statements in

which concepts appear and are defined, applied and transformed (p.181). He

uses a dossier approach (1975) in demonstrating the battle of discourses through

discourses, by using a case, an affair or an event that provided the interplay of

discourses that are of various forms and origins, organizations and functions, and yet

the discourses appear to be about the same thing or object and display a contest for

domination of the discourse in practice. The procedures are as follows:

1. compiling the dossier of discourses about the object of analysis

2. check for patterns

3. formulate hypothesis

55

4. test hypothesis against the text and counter examples

5. use other text for checking contextual relationships

6. modify hypothesis.

Foucauldian style of discourse analysis goes further than ethnomethodology in

not only understanding the subjectivities of what was being said but that also that

they represent the articulation of a form of social life and the discourse is based on

the talk, social text and interaction that is governed by rules which condition our

social reality. The question to be asked by most ethnographers is about: “How do

participants see things?” On the other hand, a discourse analyst with an

ethnographical sensitivity has also been asking: “How do participants do things?”

It is suggested that discourse analysts may venture to ask “why questions that are

related to discursive practice, questions such as why discursive actions unfold in

specific directions or why they have particular consequences (p. 502)”.

Discourse-in-practice provides the footing for answering why

discursive practice proceeds in the direction it does, toward what end, in

pursuit of what goals, in relation to what meanings.



The focus is on how the discourse demonstrates the variety of representations of

the object of analysis by answering the following research questions:

1. How do the subjects “see” this object of analysis?

2. What do the subjects “do” in relation to the object of analysis?

3. Why have the discourse actions unfolded in this direction and with such

consequences?

Having analyzed the above data, I shall venture to propose a hypothesis after

reviewing the pattern emerging from there. I shall examine other texts or discourses

to substantiate or modify the hypothesis. Such theory deriving from the final

56

discourse analysis will be a conclusion to my thesis and contribution towards the

continuous discourse on the object of analysis: “Buddhist Mediation: a

transformative approach to conflict resolution”. This theory can be tested by

subsequent research. The usefulness of the theory can be verified in future but the

contribution to knowledge is represented by the analysis presented in this thesis to

demonstrate the discourse-in-practice and the history –at- present of the social reality

in the Buddhist Mediation Training Course being conducted at the Centre of

Buddhist Studies, the University of Hong Kong.


The object of analysis of this research is “Buddhist Mediation: a

transformative approach to conflict resolution”. The way the analysis will be

done is that as the teacher of the course and researcher of this thesis, I shall analyze

the essays written about the above object from the subjective political stance of the

writers of the essays as the students of the Buddhist Mediation course at the Centre

of Buddhist Studies, University of Hong Kong. As samples, I have used the essays

of the seven students for the class in September, 2006.

The social reality that I and my students co-created during the course will be

investigated through the essays that my student presented to me at the end of the

course. Three of the essays which included detailed transcripts of the role-playing

that the writers did were analyzed with the process research methodology to

complement the discourse analysis methodology used for the rest of the text in their

essays. The content of the essays consists partly of their self-reflective journal of

their experiences in the course and partly of the transition to become a Buddhist

Mediator from their occupational self. The essays represent different versions of

the world produced through the play and interplay of the political relations between

the students and myself and through the use of interpretive repertories.


Through discourse analysis, knowledge is produced by investigating the text

and the social context as well as the constructions of the knowing subjects from their

57

respective subject positions (Silverman, 2000). The analysis on the essays will

focus on the following research questions:

1. How do the subjects “see” this object of analysis? - The essay will be analyzed

on how the writer understands the Buddhist theories are incorporated into the

mediation practice to produce the effect of transformation.

2. What do the subjects “do” in relation to the object of analysis? – The writer’s

experience of the mediation simulations that were practiced in the course as

role-playing exercises with the whole group will be analyzed.

3. Why did the discourse actions unfolded in this direction and with such

consequences? – The self-reflective part of the essay will be analyzed to collect

more information on “why” and “how” the writer was affected and influenced

after the course.

A summary from the analysis of the essays will be made using the above dossier

approach. As a conclusion to this research, a hypothesis will be formulated for

future testing.


I have taken the position of the teacher of the BM Model and I have used this

position to educate, to grade and to review the performance of the

students-participants. In another position, I am also the principle researcher on

“Buddhist Mediation: a transformative approach to conflict resolution”, the

object of research. Corresponding to this position, by giving me their consent to

use their journal and materials from the BM course to be used as data in my research,

my students become the subjects and co-inquirers of my research on the BM Model

which is the object of research.

In order to be reflexive of my positions in the research, I am conscious of the

questions I need to answer as a researcher. According to Maggi Savin- Baden

(2004), some of these questions include:

- What is being realized through this research, by whom, for whom? – As the

58

teacher and theory builder of the BM Model, I am confirming a theory that I have

been teaching since 2002. I am also confirming the successful mediation cases

that I have conducted. Therefore, the worries that I have in the analysis of the

reflective journals are

i. that the students did not validate the theory that I taught,

ii. that they did not understand, agree or learned the content, or

iii. that there is a major flaw in the theory and/or practice of the BM

Model.

- What is being argued for in the interpretation of these data? – In the interpretation

of the data, the Buddhist assumptions and values are being validated. My

concern in the analysis of the journal is that the transformative value was not

validated by the students.

I am conscious of my personal stance as defined by Salmon P. (1989, p.231):

Taking the metaphor of personal stance gives a different meaning, not

just to learning, but also to teaching, which, as teachers, we think about

less often than we should. Because personal stance refers to the

positions which each of us takes up in life, this metaphor emphasizes

aspects of experience which go deeper than the merely cognitive, and

which reflect its essentially relational, social and agentic character.

Thus it is important to disclose the personal stance of the researcher and also to

disclose the value-base of the researcher to the participants. I have disclosed to my

students at the beginning of the BM course my intention to write a thesis on the BM

Model which they would be learning about in the course. I have also given them a

list of the reference books on which I shall build the theory and practice of the BM

Model. Among them, the following two books are the most important text books

that I shall require them to refer to during the course:

a. Mindful Mediation: A Hand Book for Buddhist Peacemakers (John A. McConnell,

1995)

b. The Five Aggregates: Understanding Theravada Psychology and Soteriology

(Mathieu Boisvert, 1995).

59

Therefore, one of the important issues on researcher’s reflexivity in my research

is how to negotiate with my students our shared meanings in the course through the

role-playing exercises and their reflexive journals, taking into account the sub-text

which is the BM course in which we were participating as a group of teacher and

students.

Sub-text is about understanding the language participants are using in

order to understand what is being said. Thus understanding the

subtext requires that we help our participants to be reflexive and then

that we tell their stories interpretatively as a snapshot of a moment in

their lives…..Subtext often emerges as we ask ourselves: ‘What is this

person arguing for in the text? What do they actually believe about the

issue under study?’ However, interpreting subtext also requires that

we negotiate the meanings we see in data with our participants. (Baden,

p.317)”

In the BM course, the first part of the course was an introduction to the general

theory of mediation and conflict resolution. Then the students were introduced to

micro-skills of listening and reframing. At this point, the students were also

required to read and present by small groups the theory of the five aggregates as

postulated in the research by Mathew Boisvert (1995). The skill of reframing was

matched to the Five ARM which the students had a chance to practice by small group

exercises. The second half of the course consisted of the role-playing exercises in

which each of the students would take turns to be the mediator with me as the coach

or facilitator in the background and the whole group took part in discussion during

the process and debriefing at the end of the role-playing exercises. The

role-playings were taped and the students were given the whole set for them to

review and prepare transcripts as part of their reflexive essays. Throughout the

course, there was dialogue between the teacher and students to agree on the language

and meanings of how the participants viewed the BM Model under the subtext of the

BM course.

As a strategy to help my interpretation of the data, I requested the students to

write the essays as a biographical account of how the journey of learning to become a

60

Buddhist Mediator had been for each of them. Thus in my analysis, I shall be able

to identify their individual biases as they disclose their own identity as an individual

in a context and community. As I interpret the data contained in their reflexive

essays, I shall be using multiple perspectives as I shift my personal stance as follows:

a. What they “see” as BM– I shall be using the stance of a teacher and theorist of

the new model but also as a member of the community of Buddhist mediators,

which has some shared meanings and language.

b. What they “do” with the BM Model – I shall be adopting the stance of a

facilitator or coach in commenting on the way in which the participants practise

their role as a Buddhist Mediator.

c. How and why they are influenced by the BM Model – I shall be using the stance

of an observer who has no direct experience or knowledge of the background of

the individual participant except for the BM course that we have taken part in

together as a group. The participants are being interpreted according to their

own personal stance which relates to how they define their own identities in their

occupational selves and their own value towards personal growth by virtue of

their embarking on a study of a Masters Programme on Buddhist Studies.

As a conclusion to defend the credibility, dependability and reflexivity issues of

interpreting the data in this research, I have strategically allow all participants a role

in negotiating meaning in the research and the opportunity of contributing to the

theorizing about their worlds by their contribution in the role-play exercises as a

group. Further, I have adopted the principle that

Credibility in interpretation also demands that we engage with the issue

of ownership of interpretation, so there is a sense that what we are

presenting are shared truths and shared values so that peoples’ norms

and values, including our own, are always evident in the way data are

presented and portrayed (Bagen, p. 377)

By declaring my personal stance and biases in the interpretation of the data, I

would hope that this thesis will be accepted at least as a mediated text of the

negotiation of shared meanings among practitioners of a community under the

subtext of the BM course. The BM course has been taught since 2002 and the

61

students have all gone through similar role-playing exercises, discussions and

reflexive journaling. I have chosen to use the sample of these seven students

because I think that the teaching of the BM Model has been perfected through my

experience of teaching and the feedback of the students from the previous courses.

There is no reason why the same research design and methodology cannot be

duplicated for the next group of students of the BM Model.

(End of Chapter 4)

62

CHAPTER 5: DATA ANALYSIS BY PROCESS

RESEARCH

5.1 Case 1

5.2 Case 2

5.3 Case 3

In the data analysis, the three Stages of Helping (Egan, 2002) will be marked

and each stage will be described in the context of (a) a change process, (b) a process

of mediation and (c) the process of BM Model. Within each stage, there will be

identified episodes of change event (Heatherington, Friedlander, Greenberg, 2005)

representing speaking turns that bring new awareness to the parties.

Special coding used in the Data Analysis includes the following:

1. M: Mediator or “I “will be used interchangeably in the data analysis

H: Husband

W: Wife

L or T: Lui Dan, the co-therapist

2. The general description of process of change will be under the section marked

(a); the description of the mediation process under (b) and for the BM Model

under (c) below. The description will be mainly on the discussion of the

respective theories of the process of change, the process of mediation and the

BM Model or other relevant theories in the context of the data analysis. This

section includes the inferences drawn from the data analysis.

3. The analysis of the data will be in italics. The data analysis follows the same

categories for descriptions of (a) process of change, (b) process of mediation

and (c) the BM Model as described in 2 above. The data will be coded in

“bold” to represent intra-personal conflict and in “bold and italics” to represent

inter-personal conflict.

63

4. A color coding in shades of red to pink represents the intensity of the feeling

from strong to soft.

5. References to “reframing” or “reframes” will be highlighted by underlining the

actual data and the relevant content of the data analysis.

6. In the data analysis, the five aggregates and the 12 links are written in numerical

forms.

5.1 Case 1. The professional couple

This couple had been married for six years with a young child. The husband

was a lawyer and the wife was a doctor who specialized in psychoanalysis. They

heard about the joint research project on Family Mediation from their friends who

worked at the Counseling Centre of Tsinghua University. They wanted to resolve

conflict in a parenting and couple relationship. Dr. Liu Dan was the therapist who

was present during the joint interview.

(a) STAGE ONE – WHAT’S GOING ON?

(b) Or the present scenario – Exploring their problems

(c) Or the first two links of the chain of dependent origination:

1st link: ignorance (avijja)

2nd link: karmic activities (sankhara)

(a) At Stage One of the process of change, the parties will relate their stories to the

mediator who will help them to see the blind spots in their stories or focus on

certain issues and then retell their stories in a different way from the first

version (Egan, 2002; Sluzki, 1992).

(b) The first stage of the mediation session begins with the task of the mediator

64

trying to establish a rapport and facilitate gathering information for the purpose

of exploring the problem with the clients. At this stage of the mediation, the

parties are being invited to give an opening statement of what they want to

resolve. The mediator starts with an opening speech and explains the process

that will follow. Then each of the parties will give their opening statements

and the mediator will assess and reframe what had happened between the parties

that created their positions.

(c) At Stage One, the Buddhist mediator has to find out what had transpired

between the parties due to ignorance that had brought about the karmic

activities resulting in their respective obsessive demands on each other.

Therefore, in Stage One, in the BM Model, the goal of the mediator is to find

out what the karmic activities were or the sankhara (2nd link) that had occurred

between these disputants in creating this conflict.

I began the session with an introduction of what mediation was in the west and

that it might differ from the mediation practiced in China. I did not think that the

long opening speech covering confidentiality and the process of mediation would be

appropriate or relevant for this situation. Dr. Liu Dan, my co-therapist stayed with

me in the joint session to ensure the process was adaptable to their culture,

particularly when the language used in the session was Mandarin which was not my

native tongue. I decided to adopt the Solution Focused Brief Therapy approach to

start with a goal-setting question and allow space for the parties to tell me (a) their

stories, (b) their problem or ( c) their sankhara.

Episode One

The wife responded to my goal-setting question ([1]M: What’s your purpose of

coming to see me today?) by telling me her story about their conflict as a couple;

that they had strong emotions and could not think rationally and cited an example of

child rearing [2]:

W: I know you are a mediator… Indeed, there are some conflicts between us. When we

65

stay apart temporarily, we can figure out where the problem lies. However when we are

in conflict, with strong emotions, we can hardly carry out what we mentally

think…For example, when related to issues about our child, it’s very hard for us to

compromise.

I quickly focused the conflict to child-rearing as a strategy of helping them to focus

on their story telling. She then focused on the problem of decision-making about

the child (W: It’s about any decision made about this child). I turned and engaged

the husband by checking with him the story or problem that his wife was relating

[13]: M: Any decision? Do you agree? I mutualized their problem which he then

confirmed [15. 16]:

[15]M: You agree…You both have no differences on this point.

H: Our contradictions indeed lie in this aspect.

The mediator set the parties up to give their opening statements. The mediator

was expecting the parties to tell her what they experienced as their conflict in the

past. The mediator foreshadowed that each of them would have a different view of

what their problem was [17]:

M: You can tell us the problems you feel strongly about (to the wife). And in a

moment, you also have an opportunity to do so (to the husband). Maybe the problems

you feel strongly about are not the same. But problems presented by each of you are

very important.

(a) Eliciting and enacting the dominant stories: When the parties were expected

to give their opening statements by taking turns, the mediator did not tell them

the ground rules of mediation. They started to cut into each other’s speech

[18-24]:

W: One incident that influenced me most happened when the child was two. It was

spring and I wanted to dress him with socks but my husband insisted not to put

the socks on.

H: To make it more precise, it was not when he was 2 years old but a few months

old. It was a summer’s day. She insisted on leaving the baby lying on bed and

putting socks on. And I still remembered it was at noon, and very hot. I

thought it’s not necessary to put the socks on and the baby should be kept in a

more natural state and receive more stimulus from the outside world. I insisted

on undressing the socks, and she never surrendered. At last, she was irritated.

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[20]W: I was very angry.

H: Her performance was very irrational.

W: He took the baby away.

H: I have to correct: I didn’t take it away.

W: It seemed our perceptions were quite different.

The mediator had to intervene so that one party could continue with the story

without interruption from the other party [26, 32].

(b) The mediator tried to gather information about the past behavior and

experiences from the parties and to highlight their positions or what they

demanded from each other at this stage.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator sensed the parties’ obsessions under their

sankhara. The parties were obsessed with their own version of the story of the

“socks issue” and how they wanted the other party to follow their way [25] :

[25]H: I didn’t take the baby away. I felt she was quite irrational and

hysteric…Later on when we discussed this issue, we called it the ‘Socks

Issue’.

The parties together gave a picture of the way they handled their conflict in the

past and the mediator reframed how they behaved to each other by mutualizing:

[40]M: You both acted in the same way.

The mediator continued to explore their past conflict:

M: If the grandparents were out, you could quarrel severely.

W: If they were present, we could still hold our temper for a while. We lived opposite

to an agricultural mechanical school, and we went to its small forest to continue

our quarrel. We lived with his parents until the child was 3 years old.

[45]M: How did you stop that time?

W: Not speaking to each other.

M: What about the baby?

W: It followed his decision and hadn’t put the socks on.

H: My memory differs from yours. I remember the baby was dressed in socks

that time and from then on he has always been dressed in socks.

[50]M: He compromised.

The wife mentioned her reputation [29] being damaged if they argued in front of

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the grandparents. The couple was resourceful in working out a coping strategy of

shouting at each other in the small forest outside the house in expressing their

feelings and saving “face” [44]. When the husband corrected the wife’s version of

the “sock issue”, the mediator reframed the difference in opinion with an indirect

complement that he “compromised”[50].

Both “face” (Tung, 1991) and “compromise” (Wong, 1995) seemed to be

traditional values of Chinese culture that the parties would appreciate. My initial

assessment of this couple was that they were from a traditional Chinese Family as

characterized by the TFM Model (Irving, 2002). This has implications in designing

the intervention of the mediator who needs to be aware of the power balancing

between the couple:

Power balancing is a sensitive issue with Chinese families. In traditional families,

power arrangements are unambiguously patriarchal. In modern Chinese families,

power may vary dramatically, with egalitarian, husband-led and wife-led arrangement

all represented in the client population. Even in egalitarian families there may be

consensus as to a traditional division of roles, with mother responsible for all

domestic duties, including child care (p.99).

(a) It is not uncommon that parties see things differently from each other at Stage

One of the mediation process. It is because of their differences that they need

to come to mediation. It is the task of the mediator to find out how they

addressed their problem in Stage One of the process so that their difference in

looking at the problem will be acknowledged and reframed to a new perspective

so that their problem will become a mutual concern.

(b) After hearing their opening statements regarding their conflict, the mediator

tried to normalize [26], mutualize [40] and neutralize [50] their difference in

opinion.

(c) In the BM Model, the process at this stage is to highlight parties’ obsessive

positions from what has happened between them. As the mediator listened, the

mediator tried firstly to gather what kind of situation or objective reality the

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clients were dealing with i.e. rupa, the 1st Aggregate. They might be seeing

the same objective reality but their thinking or logical conclusion from what

they saw might be different. Thus, if the parties’ perception, i.e. the sanna, the

3rd Aggregate would be turned to wholesome instead of unwholesome sanna so

that it would not bring further karmic formation, the 4th Aggregate of sankhara

(Boisvert, 1995). By neutralizing the husband’s behavior as “compromise” in

[50], the perception of the husband and the wife regarding their difference in

opinion would be changed from a win-lose contest to a conflict-resolution

strategy and outcome. Since this couple was a traditional Chinese couple,

they would appreciate that the “compromise” from the husband meant

compromise from the patriarchal values. Therefore, the mediator had reframed

the parties’ perception of the “sock incident” to an issue of balancing of power

between the couple. Their 3rd Aggregate, sanna, had been changed to a less

selfish perspective in which recognition of selflessness was one characteristic of

existence for transforming to wholesome sanna. At the same time, their

attachment to their obsessive demands under the 4th Aggregate, sankhara, would

be lessened.

The wife responded to the intervention by accepting the “compromise” of the

husband and started to reveal more vulnerability and self-disclosure of her feelings

and thinking which brought about the behavior – her obsessive control of the child

[51]. W: In most situations he compromised. I like to get control…I’m

easy-going with others while like to control him at home. After the birth of our

child, I found it was hard to control him, and I gave up. I started to get control of

the child. And now I feel I shouldn’t act this way.

(a) At the end of the first stage, the mediator was able to ascertain from the parties’

storytelling that they had a common ground which was the best interest of the

child [54]. M: But your ultimate goal is in the child’s best interest, isn’t it?

Your goals are consistent in the child’s interest. And the problem does not lie

in your goals, but in your discussing process. The underlying problem is about

yourselves, about your effort to control the other. I think, if the problem lies

in yourselves, indeed, there are effective ways to deal with your own problems.

69

(b) The mediator also clarified with the parties that their problem was about the

decision-making process or “discussion process” between the parties on trivial

matters and issues about child care.

[56] M: Your expected ways of dealing with this problem differ from hers? Or you

think that your communication has some problems?

[57] H: Our contradictions are not about key issues of life, but about trivial matters,

such as ‘Socks Issues’. We can agree on key issues about the child.

The first stage of the mediation process correlated with the BM Model in the

exploration of the problem in order to find out what the parties’ obsessive demands

on each other were. In this case, the problem lay with each party wanting to control

each other in their decision-making about the child and other trivial matters. Their

ignorance brought about the sankhara which were the karmic activities they did to

each other by acting out their obsession. (M: The underlying problem is about

yourselves, about your effort to control the other.)

To lessen their obsession the mediator again reframed their perception from a

selfish to a selfless one and mutualized concern where both parties felt the suffering

but also felt it was possible to be changed. In another words, the parties needed to

recognize the three characteristics of existence: the recognition of the impermanent,

suffering and selfless nature of life. This was achieved when the issue was

reframed into a procedural matter of the decision-making process of the parents [54]:

Your goals are consistent in the child’s interest. And the problem does not lie in

your goals, but in your discussing process. Therefore, by reworking the sankhara,

the cycle of the 1st and 2nd links was being reversed.

(c) At the end of Stage One, after the mediator reframed, the parties’ five

aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – the husband and wife argued over trivial matters

regarding child rearing such as the “sock issue” or whether he should take

medicine and so on. [57]

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – the husband and wife were both frustrated about

their conflict.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – the husband and wife initially blamed each other

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for the conflict. The mediator first reframed their conflict as a

compromise from the husband [50] so that both parties’ roles were

recognized and validated. The parties later accepted the mediator’s

reframe as both of them were just acting in the best interests of the

child.[54]

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – they both wanted to control each other’s

behavior. The wife gave up the idea of controlling the husband as he

would not give in to her. She now controlled the son. [51] The mediator

reframed their issue in neutral and mutual terms that they had a

communication problem in their process of discussing conflicting

issues. .[54,56]

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – they were made aware of the new perspectives as

the mediator reframed the 3rd and 4th Aggregates. The cycle of the 1st and

2nd links had been reversed and the parties achieved a new awareness to

move to the next stage of the process to explore how their communication

could be improved upon.

Episode Two

(a) The parties continued to talk about their old stories. Past experience of their

old stories was explored to find out what had worked or had not worked “stop

arguing over trivial matters?” Exceptions were explored for developing

potential solutions to their problem [58-68]:

M: When you both lose temper, you don’t listen to each other. Is this the case? How

can you stop? You mentioned that a separation was needed. (to the wife)

W: Separation.

[60]M: You mean you both need to cool down. How long does the ‘separation’ last?

W: Almost one day.

M: How about the night?

W: I sometimes didn’t speak to him.

H: In many situations, I surrender and beg for her mercy.

[65]W: Sometimes he compromised.

M: Did he say something to compromise or did you feel that he compromised through

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his body language?

W: Yea, I felt that he had compromised. But another problem arose since that moment,

because I also felt his ‘compromise’ just meant ‘not quarreling’ instead of ‘a

change’ of his mind. His opinion remained the same. I was still unwilling to

stop, but I knew I still needed to live with him……Sometimes I spoke out my

expectation of his further expression, but he turned impatient and got angry.

Then I regretted. Such situation repeated.

M: Did you talk to him about your needs in detail?

W: No.

[70]M: That’s to say you didn’t speak out you needs, and he didn’t know what to do.

He had done his best.

(b) The wife needed the husband to “change” and not just to “compromise” by”

not quarrelling” [68-72].

The mediator reframed the wife’s complaint into a problem of not being able to

understand and express her needs [70]. To know herself better and to enhance

their communication pattern, the parties needed some psycho-educational

resources for reference and the mediator acted as an expert, educator and

resource person [72-76].

W: Actually, sometimes I didn’t know how I could be satisfied……If he actually got

angry, I was uneasy as well.

M: Maybe you need to know more about your own emotions and this is your own

problem.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator again reframed the couples’ five

aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa - the parties were exploring what they had done in the past

to stop the argument on trivial matters. They talked about a situation when the

husband did something that the wife did not agree with; the wife reacted by

shouting at him. The husband would stop the quarrelling in this situation

[66-67]:

M: Did he say something to compromise or did you felt that he compromised through

his body language?

W: Yea, I felt that he had compromised. But another problem arose since that moment,

72

because I also felt his ‘compromise’ just meant ‘not quarreling’ instead of ‘a

change’ of his mind. His opinion remained the same. I was still unwilling to

stop, but I knew I still needed to live with him……Sometimes I spoke out my

expectation of his further expression, but he turned impatient and got angry.

Then I regretted. Such situation repeated.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – when that situation happened in the past, the wife

was mad and the husband was frustrated. After the sanna was reframed by

the mediator, she felt embarrassed about her demand on the husband [70-71].



W: Actually, sometimes I didn’t know how I could be satisfied……If he actually got

angry, I was uneasy as well.

The husband felt a sign of relief [75] H: Yea, trivial things.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – the wife blamed the husband for trying to compromise

by “not quarrelling” when he did not actually agree with her. The husband

felt that the wife was unreasonable in not accepting his effort to compromise.

(The mediator reframed their mutual complaints into recognition that it was

nobody’s fault since she was not aware of her own emotions and the husband

did not know what to do “M: That’s to say you didn’t speak out you needs,

and he didn’t know what to do. He had done his best.”[70] and that it was

normal to be intensely emotional when couples were quarrelling [72] but that

there were ways of dealing with this situation, citing research from Dr. John

Gottman (1994) and Dr. Ago (1996):

M: Maybe you need to know more about your own emotions and this is your

own problem. …….A female German psychologist had interviewed one

hundred women and found that how they grew up influenced their adult

performance, especially influenced how they interacted with their husbands

and children. So it’s important for women to gain more self-awareness. Such

awareness plays an important role in improving the family relationship. A

similar famous research was done in the United States of America. The

researcher could tell whether the couple would divorce or not after observing

their way of discussing and solving problems for five minutes. Conflicts are

not fatal to relationship but the way how to resolve it. That is why I asked what

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you did to each other and how you stopped in your conflicts. His research

showed that at least 20 minutes were needed for a couple in conflicts to stop.

Couples in conflicts usually are in intense emotions and likely to burst…

In this way, the parties were made aware that the nature of their problem was

changeable, created mutual suffering and not connected with their

self-images i.e. impermanent, suffering and selfless.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – the wife was initially obsessed with her need to

have the husband agree with her and the husband was obsessed with the need

to be appreciated by the wife and the mediator summarized their conflict

[78]:

M: This is a pattern: when you do something, she will react in a particular

way. When husbands actually have made efforts and wives don’t accept

such efforts, husbands will be discouraged and may have no motivation

to make such efforts any more.

After the reframing of the sanna, both had doubts about their demands on

each other [71, 75] and were more ready to look at other possibilities to

resolve.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – the wife and the husband were ignorant of their

aggregates as they were held up unconsciously by their sankhara. After the

mediator reframed the sanna, there was a new awareness in the parties of

their aggregates.

They were more positive above the possibilities of resolution after the mediator

normalized, neutralized and mutualized their problem [74- 76].

At the end of Stage 1, the objective to reframe their perception or sanna was

so that they would accept that

(i) the problem had caused suffering to both of them

(ii) they both contributed to the problem and

(iii) they needed to change.

Applying the BM Model, the mediator identified obsessions or motivations that

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brought about the chain of karmic activities of the 4th Aggregate (sankhara). In

this case, the obsession was that the way the couple quarreled became a win-lose

situation. The sanna was reframed to wholesome sanna and was accepted by the

parties (refer to the explanation in 3rd Aggregate above). They benefited from the

new awareness of their aggregates and felt the need to resolve the problem.

The role of the mediator under the models of facilitative and therapeutic

mediation models includes the educator. Psycho-educational materials and

information are useful for couples, especially to those who are intellectuals like the

couple in this case. The research of John Gottman (1994) is useful in highlighting

the importance of resolving their trivial issues and to improve on their interaction.

The questionnaire of Dr. Ago Burki-Fillenz (1996) on the changes of women who

claimed they were no longer the women their husbands married from youth to

womanhood is a useful tool for women to assess their own pattern. This pattern

stems from their family of origin and how their parents resolved conflicts, which has

an impact on their current relationships. This type of information or research

findings is sometimes shared with the couple in mediation to bring about more

self-awareness to the couple on how they interact with each other.

At this point, the mediator asked the wife to step outside of the session to answer

the questionnaire administered by Dr. Liu Dan. I began the individual session with

the husband.

(a) SECOND STAGE – WHAT SOLUTIONS MAKE SENSE?

(b) Or the preferred scenario – Redefining their problems

(c) Or the 3rd to 10th links of the chain of dependent origination:

3rd link: consciousness (vinnana)

4th link: mind and matter (namarupa)

5th link: 6 sense-doors (salayatana)

6th link: contact (phassa)

7th link: sensation (vedana)

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8th link: craving (tanha)

9th link: clinging (upadana)

10th link: becoming (bhava)

(a) In the second stage of the process of change, the past scenario is reframed into a

more constructive preferred scenario.

(b) Similarly in the mediation process, the parties are facilitated to explore their

needs and concerns in order to redefine their problem.

(c) For the BM Model, the second stage of the process is represented by the

“present” temporal division of the 12 links as set out in Table 1 in Chapter 3 of

this thesis.

Episode One

(a) The process of change for the husband had arrived at the stage that he would

need to be validated [79-82]

H: Yea, that’s it! I don’t do as much as we didn’t get married. For example, at the

beginning, when I bought her flowers, she was very happy. But latter on, she

doubted why I still bought her flowers for it cost a lot of money.

[80]M: She is no longer your lover but your wife.

H: Since then, I haven’t bought her flowers.

M: She is still not happy when you don’t buy her any flowers.

The husband was empowered to come up with more options to resolve their

communication problem [84]. M: Right. I think you have many insights. When you

are quarreling about one issue, you stay in opposed position, and both try to win the

quarrel and defeat the other. Discussion and negotiation are omitted. There may be a

third result of your quarrel. Do you agree? Is there such possibility?

(b) In the mediation process, the mediator explored with the husband in the

individual session what the possible options were to resolve their issue [84].

The mediator used this session to validate the husband’s frustration and

acknowledged his “insights” [84].

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(c) In the BM Model, the mediator reframed the 3rd Aggregate sanna, by

highlighting the change of the wife’s role [80] to shift the complaint of the

husband about the wife. I hypothesized that they were obsessed with the

win-lose outcome in the arguments they had in the past. This was the 4th

Aggregate, the karmic formations that created the obsession. The mediator

tried to create doubt about their 4th Aggregate by asking some exceptions

questions about the situations in the past when they did not have the problem of

disagreeing with each other [85].

[85]H: Our quarrels started when we were in love. When we played cards with

others, we were always in one party. If I discarded wrongly, she always

complained. We often complained about each other. When such complaints

accumulated, a burst out was inevitable. Then we could have some discussions

and the situation would turn out better.

In Stage Two, the 3rd to 10th links under the “present” temporal division, the

BM Model will start with creating doubt of the obsessive views or demands under 8th,

9th and 10th links, (craving, clinging and becoming) which is similar to sankhara (4th

Aggregate). Once the 8th to 10th links are reversed, the mediator will use the

opportunity to shift all the blaming and negative thinking of the party under the

sanna previously experienced under the “old story” to a wholesome sanna which in

turn will bring forth a new emotional experience of the vedana, (7th link) which will

be more positive than the previous emotional experience because a new picture will

then be formed in the mind by 6 sense-door (5th link) and contact (6th link). In this

way, the cycle of the 3rd to 10th links are reversed.

The husband seemed to think it was difficult to change the mind of the wife [86].

M: Do you think you have a deep understanding of her? Or is she a person who

changes her mind easily? The mediator went on to explore the situation when the

husband changed his career which the wife accepted as an exception. The mediator

created doubt by asking: How did he make the wife agree? How did they negotiate

a settlement at that time? [88]. M: She finally agreed to your plan of becoming a

lawyer. What’s you perception about the process? Why did she change her mind?

What happened? The husband’s perception was that they started from two

opposites in negotiation [95]. H: I always concentrate on the opposite side and

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she always concentrates on the other opposite.

By responding to some solution-focused questions to look for exceptions, the

husband might start to build solutions in his mind. The mediator continued to

create doubt about the obsession that they were stuck at a win-lose outcome state of

mind whenever they disagreed (the 4th Aggregate) [88]. The mediator aimed to

change their perceptions (the 3rd Aggregate) about each other being unreasonable

[94]. M: I can feel that she understood you. It’s no good to oppose to the plan

which you had made up your mind to carry out. She is not an unreasonable

woman.

(a) Under the process of change, the husband was going through the integration

phase of finding possible solutions to their problem.

(b) The process of mediation had arrived at a stage when creating doubt about their

respective positions would be necessary for negotiation. In order to move

parties from their positions, the technique of creating doubt about what they

demanded might not actually be in their best interests was used.

(c) In the BM Model, the technique of creating doubt about their obsessions (4th

Aggregate) was used at this point. The process of conflict resolution in the 12

links was to reverse the original process when the conflict was first created.

Under links 8, 9, and 10 (craving, clinging, and becoming) were all processes

describing the 4th Aggregate. In order to reverse the process, the 4th Aggregate

would be challenged so that the craving and attachment to the particular

obsession that the parties might have developed from their recognition (3rd

Aggregate) or perception of the situation. Therefore, if the parties could

reverse the mental process of the links 8, 9 and 10 which would mean that their

4th Aggregate obsession would be released, their 3rd Aggregate recognition

would also be changed. If their 3rd Aggregate was changed to a more

constructive way of perceiving the situation, for example in more mutualised

terms and not as polarized and oppositional, then their conflict might be

reframed into a mutual problem-solving question rather than a win-lose

situation. The husband’s sanna was that the wife was full of negative thoughts

78

in the issue of his getting through the examinations to become a lawyer and also

in the issue with the child. The mediator reframed their fighting over the child

as a mutual concern to protect the child [98]. M: This is a kind of protection for

the child.

Episode Two

(a) The mediator asked some more solution-focused questions to follow up with the

solution building.

(b) The mediator went on to facilitate the husband to think about the manner in

which the couple had made decisions together in the past and what he would

like changed. The couple’s conflict was then reframed into a problem of a joint

decision-making process [108]. M: Your thoughts differ from each other in the

process of making decisions. Have you ever discussed about this?

(c) The process of conflict resolution was activated by reversing the 12 links

process. The husband had successfully moved from the third Aggregate

(sanna); that the wife was unreasonable and that was the reason that they could

not agree. He was recognizing that there were times that they could agree and

that his wife was not always unreasonable [109]. H: No. The way of our

discussion is to propose ideas of both sides, which are usually on the contrary. We

both believe the other’s ideas are not reasonable. For example, we only consider

whether to put on or take off the socks instead of thinking out a third way. I’ve talked

to her that we may be lack of effective ways of communication. Maybe there is a third

way.

In short, his original 3rd Aggregate recognition that the wife was to blame for

being unreasonable in their decision-making had changed. His new 3rd

Aggregate recognition had become a wholesome sanna because he now realized

that the life situation was impermanent and would cause suffering for both of

them and he now became non- attached to the “self” by focusing not on the

person but on the problem by just making a logical recognition from the facts of

79

past experience when his wife was acting reasonably in decision-making with

him [117]. H: She is also a doctor. We are classmates. Another example, our child

has stammer and training is needed. She insisted the child was still young and it’s not

the time for training. I’ve discussed with her for a long time until I almost got angry,

and she agreed. We came to an agreement. I think that was a good resolution, though

the child didn’t attend the training because of other reasons.

He also experienced a different 7th link sensation and became more positive.

He was also experiencing a different 3rd to 6th links by visualizing a different

picture of how he could relate to his wife in a constructive manner in discussing

an issue on which they might have different opinions and drawing on an

example of past experience as an exception to his wife being unreasonable

[115-117].

The mediator tapped into the past experience of success by asking about the

situation where they had negotiated a settlement and discovered with the

husband what he could improve upon in his future negotiation with his wife

[118-125].

M: What do you think you have done to make the discussion better?

H: Discussing the problems…

[120]M: Have you chosen a specific time to discuss the problem?

H: No, our discussion is very casual. When I think of something, I talk to her no

matter we are walking or doing chores.

M: I think “attention” is very important. Whether the “attention” is focused on the

specific issue can determine the result of discussion.

H: Got it…

M: To determine a specific time is needed. It’s like a meeting. You need to plan for the

meeting. For example, on the “Socks Issue”, you can discuss what the situation

is. It may be too hot or too cold. What does it mean by “too hot” and “too cold”?

What are the child’s needs? You can say what you’ve perceived. But the facts she

perceived may differ from yours.

[125]H: Drawing conclusions from incomplete data…

The husband had responded by echoing thoughtfully what the mediator had told

him as the source of the conflict “drawing conclusion from incomplete data”

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[125, 127]:

H: I’d like to summarize your opinion in this way: discussing a single problem in

proper time and proper place….

[129] H: I understand. Your way is just like a negotiation. Both parties present their

own request and it’s better to set up a standard.

The husband learned about the “I” Message model of communication and the

principles of negotiation. I taught the husband about the principles of negotiation –

by using objective criteria [130] M: By using objective criteria as a principle for

negotiation (Fisher and Ury, 1991). He grasped the essence of these ideas and

concepts and was very receptive to this alternative way of communication

[131–140].

H: To change home into a company.

M: This is to treat such problems in a respectful way. Maybe it’s a little bit difficult to

adjust to such a way at the beginning. It’ll turn easier when you get used to it.

H: Uh…It deserves a try…

M: You can speak out your feelings. You can speak out more about your feelings at home.

[135]H: I feel that home should be a warm place…

M: If the previous ways of coping work, you can continue to use it. When such ways don’t

work, you can try this method. Right?

H: Indeed, it is an alternative way…

The mediator’s role had become an educator as I explained the techniques and

the effectiveness to convince the husband that this alternative way was suitable for

business as well as in family situation [141-152]:

H: Usually we seldom have disputes on the “facts”.

M: But different “facts”…

[145]H: It’s like “different facts” in lawsuit.

M: Most people just express what their thoughts or opinions are, and forget what the

“facts” really are. In fact, the “thoughts” are based on “facts” or “reality”——what

you hear and what you see. And as a result of such thoughts, I become upset——this is

“feeling”. Then, I need you to do something to meet my needs.

H: Facts, thoughts, feelings and needs…

[150]M: What do you actually need?

H: All these finally come to “need”.

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M: She can disagree with you, but she can hear what you say. It’s easier for her to

understand when she hears about what you need. For example, the “Driving Issue”, or

you may suggest a new issue in your life and we can have a try of this new method. You

can start with your previous pattern.

The husband maintained his “old story” of their problem as: “But our problem

is how to deal with the opposite views at the exact point of the issue. For example, when

the child is ill, should he take antibiotics?” The mediator reframed the “old story” to

a “new story” of how their problem could be a mutual problem instead of a win/lose

situation: “What are the child’s needs? You can say what you’ve perceived. But the

facts she perceived may differ from yours. “ Then the mediator explored options for

acting differently to resolve their past conflict by using the “I” Message model and

negotiation model.

Therefore, in Stage Two, the objectives of the reframing of the Five ARM

was to:

(i) shift the construction of the old problem to a problem of mutual concern and

interest

(ii) shift emotion from blaming to separate the people from the problem and

(iii) acknowledge that the problem is changeable and the parties already have

possible options to resolve.

(a) THIRD STAGE – HOW DO I GET WHAT I WANT OR

NEED?

(b) Or the Solution Phase - Solution building

(c) Or the 11th and 12 links of the chain of dependent origination:

11th link: birth, rebirth (jati)

12th link: old age and death (jaramarana)

(a) Under the process of change, the parties at this last stage, the parties must have

identified what they want and have explored strategies to obtain their needs.

The parties are ready to commit to an action plan.

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(b) Under the mediation process, the parties must have moved away from their

positions and are ready to find solutions to fit their needs. The parties will

both give options to issues that they have explored in order to resolve them.

The options will be tested in reality to see if they are viable and fit their

respective needs before they can be accepted as solutions.

(c) Under the BM Model, the parties are ready to repeat the cycle of the Five

ARM in the future temporary division.

From the above discussions on the issue of their arguing over trivial matters,

the agenda for solution-building would be deduced as follows:

- How can the decision-making relating to the child’s issues be improved?

- How can the communication pattern between the couple be improved?

At this point of the session, the mediator asked the wife to return to the joint

meeting. The couple tried out the suggested model of communication based on the

“I” Message model.

The Five ARM is similar to the “I” Message model except for the intention to

change the 3rd Aggregate to a wholesome recognition, by recognizing that life is

impermanent, suffering and emptiness. In short, when applying the Five ARM the

parties are deconstructing their “selves” so that detachment to their respective five

aggregates at that moment will bring new insight to another moment of

consciousness, thereby bringing another round of five aggregates and a new level of

consciousness. The change to wholesome sanna (3rd Aggregate) actually means

that the thinking or recognition is reframed into something that is non-blaming and

with no personal stigma and deals only with the facts of the problem to replace the

negative thinking that the wife is unreasonable [109].

The parties had tried the new way of communication with the “I” Message

model and had expressed different ways of dealing with a conflict situation to reduce

misunderstanding. The Five ARM was applied as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa - They expressed what had happened and acknowledged

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each other’s role such as the wife who had been taking care of the baby and

the husband who had been working hard in the office,

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana - They could share their respective emotions safely.

The wife even felt guilty for having misunderstood him [159]. W: He told

me something about his thoughts, and his real state at that time. I can

understand his mood. I was angry that he didn’t come back for a whole

day; but his expression in such a way showed that he was concern with

our family. Then I may reflect on my own thoughts: maybe I

misunderstood him.

(iii)3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband expressed his expectation for “a warm

atmosphere at home” [155]H: If I expressed thankfulness for her

hardworking that day, actually she took care of the child all day; she

might not turn out happy… If I said that I had been working a whole day

and was also very tired, and I expected a warm atmosphere at home, she

might change her attitude…” and the wife appreciated his concern about

the family.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara - They needed understanding from each other which

they got from their new way of communication with the “I” Message model.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinanna – They shifted to new awareness of the above

aggregates as they tried the new way of communication. The wife had new

insight about what she could have done differently in a similar situation in

the future [167]. W: Now I’d like to ask why he came back so late, or if he

didn’t come back, the child wouldn’t sleep. In fact, I certainly can express

in this way.

The effect of the new form of communication with the Five ARM was that they

changed their perceptions about each other by letting go of attachment to their

thinking that the other party did not care about the other. The husband was

perceived as not caring about the wife and family by returning home so late and the

wife was perceived as lacking understanding of her husband working hard at the

office. Both of them were self-centered in their blame of each other for his or her

lack of appreciation and understanding of each other. This original experience of

the 3rd Aggregate was the cause of the conflict such that it brought the husband and

the wife to sankhara which became their obsession of demanding the other to accept

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their views. By separating the objective reality of what they saw and heard from

their perceptions, they were convinced that they could find a new way of resolving

conflict. Under the BM Model, the parties had been facilitated to reverse the cycle

of the 11th and 12 links in the future temporal division. The projection of the

problem to the future had been useful for the parties to formulate a new way of

resolving their communication problem in the past.

At the end of the session, the couple had agreed to use the new skill they learned

in the session on “negotiation” to deal with decision-making relating to their child’s

issues [171].

H: I’ve learnt a new way of coping, that is a way of “Negotiation”. We can find a proper

time and proper place, state what facts we have perceived, find a standard and then

make up a decision. That’s it.

W: I agree.

M: Common standard, common goals. Then you may come to a specific plan. Each plan

has its different possibility.

The mediator acknowledged that the parties had found a common ground and

common goal and agreed on the action plan to take in future for resolving the

problem. They had also explored how to improve their own pattern of

communication. They practiced the “I” Message model to each other. They agreed

to come again for a second session to practise the new communication model.

By changing the 4th Aggregate from obsessions to an action plan acceptable to

the parties and reframing the sanna to a common ground in the interest of the parties,

the objectives of the reframing of the Five ARM in Stage 3 are:

(i) parties have a new construction of the problem

(ii) parties identify common ground and goals, and

(iii) parties hope to change for the better.

The second interview

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Two days later, the mediator met the couple again for the second session. The

mediator met the wife separately in the beginning of the session. The rationale was

that the mediator had met the husband individually at the end of the last session. At

that time the wife was being questioned by Liu Dan the questionnaire from Dr. Ago,

the German psychologist. The mediator checked what the wife had discovered from

the questionnaire and what happened after the session with her husband.

Episode One

(a) For the process of change to develop in the second session, the first part of the

session was to recap what had happened since the last session until the present

time that had created some change in the wife. This was part of the structure

of the research design of the Tsinghua Project: to use the questionnaire of Dr.

Ago to facilitate change or insight from the wife’s perspective of her conflict

with her husband. The questionnaire had been useful in providing insight on

the wife about her own personal psychological development [28,29].

W: Yes, I know that sometimes he apologies to make me feel good but I feel that his

manner is not like a man. A true man…There is a gap between my ideal world

and reality. But now here comes some changes: If he actually controls me like a

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feudalistic husband, of course, I shall resist. Sometimes, I don’t know what

exactly I want…If he treats me badly, I would not be with him any longer…

M: So you attribute it to your own personal growth domain…

She understood how her family of origin had made an impact on her in her

expectation of the “true man”, an image that she hoped her husband would become

[11-22].

M: Does this have some relationship with your family of origin?

W: Yea, it actually relates to my family of origin. I demand others according to the ‘ideal

map’ in my mind, yet it’s not the case in reality.

M: You demand him?

W: I demand him according to the ‘ideal map’ in my mind.

[15] M: What kind of demand?

W: I take for granted that a true man should never ask help from any women and he is the

only exception.

M: Have you ever met such a ‘true men’ in your life?

W: I only have some faint impression. My grandpa seemed to be like this. It’s only a

slight impression and I didn’t live with my grandpa for long time.

M: Anyway, when you were with him you were very young. Your grandpa was very tall

and you were just a little girl.

[20]W: Actually, my grandpa was very tall and he was strong and had a manner of

householder.

M: A manner of householder…

W: Put it in some bad words, I like to be controlled. I hope my husband can treat me

fiercer.

M: Such a way is more acceptable by you…

W: Yea…if he treats me in this way, I won’t be that wayward.

The mediator introduced a new perspective to the present problem that she was

experiencing; that of her marital conflict as part of her developmental stage in the

life cycle as a woman [31]. M: How to turn a girl’s expectation into a woman’s

principle? That’s to say, to establish a self image of a woman also requires your

partner’s efforts.

(b) At this stage of the mediation process, the mediator explored with the wife her

problem in her relationship with her husband and reframed the problem as

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“How to turn a girl’s expectation into a woman’s principle? That’s to say to

establish a self image of a woman also requires your partner’s efforts.” In this

way, I normalized, neutralized and mutualized their conflict. The wife’s

attitude of blaming the husband for not acting as the “ideal man” was shifted to

a more useful perspective of looking at their problem that would be conducive to

mutual problem-solving or solution-focused approach.

(c) From the perspective of the BM Model, the process began with exploring her

ambivalence regarding the “ideal man” that had brought about the karmic

activities of 8th to 10th links that she was obsessed with being controlled by her

husband:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife saw her grandfather as the image of the

“ideal man” who never asked for help from a woman [18, 20]

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was annoyed with her husband when he did

not fit in with this image. She was really negative when she talked about the

husband being bad to her [28]. She shifted her sensation to awe similar to

an ah-ah when Sanna was reframed [30, 32, 34].

M: How to turn a girl’s expectation into a woman’s principle? That’s to say to

establish a self image of a woman also requires your partner’s efforts.

W: Yea, it is actually the case.

M: very good finding! It is good…Now you have a new perspective on

conflicts, right? Last session gave you such an insight…

W: Yea…

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She thought her husband was pathetic especially

when he apologized to her.

The mediator reframed that the problem lay with her self-image as a

woman and not just the husband not fitting the “ideal man” image [31].

Her sanna became wholesome because she recognized that life was

impermanent, suffering and selfless – that her problem or pain was

normal, changeable and involved letting go of an attachment to

self-image.

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(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted him to control her and be fierce.

The mediator created doubt about this obsessive demand of the wife on the

husband to become the “ideal man” by reframing the sanna [31].

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She was aware of her aggregates. She was

thinking that she would even leave her husband [29] but gained a new

awareness when the sanna was reframed by the mediator [30 -34]. She

shifted to a more positive mode towards possibilities of resolving the

problem.

By asking the wife to say what her problem was, the mediator tried to listen to

what her five aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa, - the objective reality was that she and her husband had few

heart to heart talks

[35]M: What are the most important things you hope to improve in your relationship

with your husband?

W: My main concern is how we can sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with each

other…I can feel that we both have difficulty in doing so. We seldom have cold

war, but can quarrel fiercely.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana, sensation was that she felt afraid to speak her mind. W:

The biggest problem is that I find it’s hard to speak out my thoughts and

feelings…

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna, perception or recognition was that she would make him

angry if she spoke her mind

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara, karmic formations or needs were that she wanted to

express her feelings and thoughts to the husband but had an obstacle in

speaking out what she wanted to say to him. The mediator reframed her need

as needing more training in communication. [40]M: That’s why you hope to

learn more things about communication.

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(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana, consciousness at this moment was her new awareness of

the situation about her need to improve communication with her husband after

the mediator reframed the 4th Aggregate.

The wife was expressing the problems situations she had with the husband. I

tried to focus the wife on the specifics of their past communication in respect of the

car driving experience [50, 54].

[50]M: Have you ever talked with him about such feelings?

W: Exactly…

M: You can talk with him later…

W: OK. It’s really a serious matter…Afterwards, I felt scared. If it were not for his

braking in time, it must be very dangerous. But what I am really angry at was his

attitude.

M: How did you communicate with him?

The wife was prepared to discuss this past issue in their joint session [56]. M: OK,

We can discuss the solutions later on. Is there anything else?

Episode Two

(a) The wife had told her side of the story about the times when they had fights.

She was validated when she talked about some difficult issues regarding their

sex life and intimacy [75].

[75]W: Yea. To be exactly, it’s unacceptable for me to express that I need him and I

need his hug, whatever. By doing so, I feel like being weak or something.

My assessment that she was a traditional Chinese woman was confirmed [83].

W: Chinese women are shaped to be implicit, and not encouraged to express

their needs. I’m influenced deeply by this tradition.

A new perspective was introduced by the mediator that the wife’s rejection of

the husband was the major issue [70]M: Then, you think that you are the

major part of the problem with your husband? The worst thing to happen

to a husband is the wife’s rejection. The wife identified that the problem

was her difficulty in expressing her love for him due to her traditional values

of being a woman [83].

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(b) The process of mediation continued on the exploration of the problem of the

wife’s problem. The mediator facilitated the wife to discover areas of problems

of communication with her husband including sexual communication and tried

to find out the underlying concerns of the wife [74, 83]. The mediator

hypothesized the source of the conflict from the data given by the wife [70] and

assessed the conflict [66, 72, 88] according to the hypothesis:

[65]W: Yea, I’m very satisfied. But sometime, my cooperation is not good.

After our quarrel, I hope he can give me a hug or touch me with that

‘body language’. However, when he comes close, instead, I push him

away.

M: You push him away…Does he feel awful?

W: Yea. Sometimes he goes away. Then it’s my turn to feel awful…

[72]M: Especially in sex life…Such a rejection can hurt his self-esteem…What do

you think can be done?

[88]W: Yea, very difficult. Moreover, I test whether he’s genuine. I believe if he

genuinely loves me, when I push him away, he should continue to please me.

I test him. But my husband is kind of, I understand him, afraid of hurting

me and he misunderstands that when I push him away, I don’t hope him to

come close. He really goes away.

(c) Under the BM Model, the wife’s five aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate ,rupa – The couple often ended up with sex being the final

solution to their quarrels [59]. The wife would sometimes push the husband

away when he came close and he would leave

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She felt guilty for rejecting him but felt more positive

after the mediator reframed her rejection of the husband as a cultural issue.

[75]W: Yea. To be exactly, it’s unacceptable for me to express that I need

him and I need his hug, whatever. If doing so, I feel like being

weak or something like that.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna - She was a traditional Chinese woman with values that

prevented her to express her needs. The mediator reframed the sanna as

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“The worst thing to happen to a husband is the wife’s rejection.”- to make

internal the problem for the wife who was the agent in control of the situation

but to make sure that the cause was not internal but external to the wife’s own

personality the mediator reframed further “M: I wonder whether Chinese wives

actively kiss their husbands.” The effect was to normalize, mutualize and

neutralize the problem to something that caused suffering to both parties and

not blame anyone of them but normalize the situation as both needed to work

together to change. Sanna became wholesome with the 3 characteristics of

existence – the recognition of impermanence, suffering and selflessness.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She could not express that she needed his hug [75].

She wanted him to be intimate with her when she wanted him to and demanded

that he should anticipate her needs [83, 85, 87, 89]. “I believe if he genuinely

loves me, when I push him away, he should continue to please me.”

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She had a new awareness of her aggregates in

vedana and sanna when the mediator reframed the sanna and she confirmed

that her behavior reflected what was common to Chinese women (W: Chinese

women are shaped to be implicit, and not encouraged to express their needs. I’m

influenced deeply by this tradition [83].)

The mediator was carefully exploring this sensitive topic of sex and intimacy

with the wife. I was particularly careful in asking about cultural values and norms

as an outsider [76 – 84]. The process of reversing the 8th – 10th links was to get

past the obsessions or sankhara of the wife and to find out what her underlying needs

were. By reframing the sanna into wholesome sanna, the mediator intervened for

the purpose of bringing new insight to the wife about her problem with her husband.

It was not just his fault. She was also a major part of the problem for not

communicating her needs to him.

Episode Three

(a) The preferred scenario was developed in this stage of the mediation process to

replace the previous scenario described by the parties as their problem or

positions.

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(b) By understanding more about the coping methods and strategies and what

worked and what did not work, the mediator helped the parties to discover more

hidden needs and concerns which might expand options for solutions in the

future.

(c) The reality-checking and creating doubt about what worked and what did not

work would be part of the process of reversing the conflict situation under the

twelve links of the chain of dependent origination. As the parties were being

challenged about their attachment to their obsessions under 8th, 9th and 10th

links, the mediator reframed these obsessions into underlying needs and

concerns of the parties. The mediation process for redefining their existing

problem was correlated to the “present” temporal division of the twelve links of

the chain of dependent origination namely, the 3rd to 10th links and the process

of reversing the 3rd to 10th links. The mediator explored what her obsessions

were and what the exceptions were or how she had coped in the past with a view

of challenging this old scenario to replace it with a more preferred scenario or

story to fit her current needs. When the 8th – 10 links were reversed, the sanna

would be reframed and the new experience of vedana (7th link) would be

reversed and so would the 4th – 6th links (mind and matter, 6 sense doors and

contact) to give a new picture of the preferred scenario.

The mediator used solution-focused questioning techniques to facilitate the wife

to develop her own solutions. When she was describing how difficult it was for her

to tell her husband her needs when they were at home, the mediator asked how often

she had succeeded and complimented her for her success [96]. M: Many times.

Speak out your needs. It’s very good. Is this a better way of solving the problem?

Better than being angry? From [100 – 103] the wife was developing further her

options for solutions:

[100]M: Very important. Is it helpful for you to understand more about this?

W: I need to express my emotions, for example, my needs. But there is another voice

inside that says that I can’t. I can’t express in this way. And it criticizes me as a

weakness, and other negative judgments…I can’t bear this. There is a “fight” inside

me. “If I express what I want, am I a bitch?” I can’t accept such a comment for

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myself. It seems if I express in such a direct way, it means this.

M: Maybe he also can’t accept your excessive expression. Chinese men are also very

conservative. Anyway, it’s enough to understand yourself and understand him. You

have a better understanding than many other Chinese women already, and begin to

do something, right? Understanding is the key. If you are already in anger, you

can’t figure out how to improve the situation.

[103]W: I find I need to speak out; otherwise, he can’t catch what exactly I need, which

would make things worse.

In the 12 links, the reverse of the process of conflict resolution started from the

8th, 9th and 10th links which were the craving, clinging and becoming that created the

attachment under the 4th Aggregate, sankhara, karmic formations. The wife

explored how she used to be obsessed with what her husband had to do to please her.

She would want him to anticipate her needs, want him to hold her in his arms and

struggle within herself for being a “bitch” for telling him how she felt. The

mediator reality-checked with the wife whether the above wants and struggle which

were basically the 4th Aggregate obsessions, were serving her interests and needs.

The wife came to her own new awareness that she needed to learn to speak her mind

without being angry herself. The new scenario of her problem had become a matter

of an interpersonal relationship issue that was external from her “self” (emotional

tone changed from guilt to support) but she was an agent for change that was

intrapersonal and internal to her (Sluzki, 1992):” M: Maybe he also can’t accept your

excessive expression. Chinese men are also very conservative. Anyway, it’s enough to

understand yourself and understand him. You have a better understanding than many other

Chinese women already, and begin to do something, right? Understanding is the key. If you

are already in anger, you can’t figure out how to improve the situation. [102]”

The wife had shifted from past awareness to a new awareness as the sanna was

reframed and the sankhara was reality-checked for appropriateness. Her shift in

awareness can be observed:

- the “old story” or past scenario - the past awareness of blaming the husband

and obsessing with the husband comforting her without her letting him know

that she wanted him to hold her (the 3rd to 10th links) to

- a “new story” or preferred scenario - The new awareness of understanding

that she needed to voice her needs without thinking that she was a “bitch” and

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without being angry at her husband (reversing the 3rd to 10th links).

The wife was motivated to change at the end of this stage of the process [113,

115]. [115]W: Very motivated. I’m in the same profession as yours, and I must

work through myself better.

The mediator further “enhanced the new story”. This new story promoted a

new “pattern, prospection, options, agency and moral codes” (Sluzki, 1992) by

reframing the problem as “M: Only when your psychological well-being is OK, you can

be beneficial for others. OK. Anyway, couple relationship influences the child’s

psychological well-being.{156}”. The objectives of this reframe were multiple:

i. The intrapersonal prospective of the problem (“voicing her needs and

controlling her anger”) was shifted to an interpersonal and relational

issue that was of mutual concern to the couple (“the child’s

psychological well-being”).

ii. The focus of the problem was on improving interpersonal relationship

and not on the wife’s personality or blame of anyone.

iii. The wife was an important agent for solution to the problem.

These objectives matched the previously suggested direction for reframing of

the Five ARM in Stage Two of the BM Model:


interest

(ii) shift emotion from blame to separate the people from the problem and



Episode Four

When they resumed the joint meeting, they discussed the “car incident” and the

husband talked about his five aggregates as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa, – the husband and wife came to Tsinghua to see the

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mediator by car. They arrived early and the husband decided to park the

car at a certain spot and walked to the Counseling Centre towards a certain

direction that seemed right to him. The wife knew the way better than the

husband but she did not say anything to stop him. They lost their way and

thought they would be late for the appointment.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana, – the husband became very anxious about what he did

that made the wife unhappy when he saw that the wife was quiet and anxious

about being late. M: When you sensed out her mood changed suddenly,

what was your feeling?

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna, – the husband recognized that his wife thought he was

wrong in making the decision to walk [190]. [190]M: So, your thought was

that “I should choose to drive in.”, isn’t it?

H: yes.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara, – the husband was attached to making his wife

happy [195].

[195]H: Actually, not very guilty. It’s not because I made mistake that she

turned unhappy, but because what I did made her unhappy.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana, – the husband was made aware of his aggregates as he

reported what his thinking and feeling were.

The mediator then challenged him about his 4th Aggregate obsession (8th - 10th

links) in wanting to please his wife:

[196]M: OK. If she were a good friend of yours, should she act like this?

H: If she were a good friend of mine, we should have discussed the route already.

M: How would a friend act? If the same thing happened, what may a good friend’s

facial expressions be?

H: I wouldn’t care so much about a friend’s facial expression. First of all, she knows

that environment much better than me: she often comes to Tsinghua, while I come

here the first time. Second, I’ve asked for her opinion before getting off. If I were

with a friend, I would consider it not a big deal.

[200]M: It doesn’t matter.

H: Doesn’t matter. And if we encounter such a situation, both the friend and I may easily

reach an understanding: nobody can expect such a result.

M: Yes, an understanding. The “friend” may not take it serious whether it’s your fault or

anyone else’.

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H: Yea. We may walk faster to catch up time and deal with the problem together.

M: If you two together cope with the problem, the problem may disappear more quickly,

and you can spare the unhappy process. That means you and your friend should

respect each other, right?

[205]H: Yea.

M: It’s a good way of coping. What you said is a good way of expression. First, what has

happened? You just told me what has happened: where, what, how about her mood,

and then your thoughts, your feelings, and why you had such a feeling. Can we go

through the whole issue step by step? First of all, define what has happened, your

thoughts, your feelings and your needs. So that she can receive the clear message

from you. How did you deal with the issue just now?

H: No chance to deal with it…We rushed here in such a hurry. Until we found we were

not late, she turned relaxed.

M: You were nervous all the way, right?

H: Yes. I felt she was unhappy all the way...When we found we were not late, we smiled to

each other. If you were all waiting for us, and many people, her mood would be worse.

I may need to explain to her after coming back home. Explain how such a thing had

happened.

By giving a hypothetical situation to the parties to consider, the mediator

continued to create doubt about the 3rd Aggregate that the husband recognized the

wife was not happy about his decision was his only conclusion [196]. M: OK. If

she were a good friend of yours, should she act like this?

The solution-building involved working through the issues with different

scenarios by working with their five aggregates. If the husband could recognize

that the wife’s feeling and thinking would change, then the 4th Aggregate’s obsession

would not be substantiated. M: If you two together cope with the problem,, the

problem may disappear more quickly, and you can spare the unhappy process.

The husband became positive about the wife’s change in her feeling when she

found out that they were not late for the appointment. [209]H: Yes. I felt she was

unhappy all the way...When we found we were not late, we smiled to each other. If

you were all waiting for us, and many people, her mood would be worse. I may

need to explain to her after coming back home. Explain how such a thing had

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happened.

The mediator continued to create doubt about the husband’s resentment of the

wife and both husband and wife contributed to this situation:

[210]M: In many situations, pressure is not necessary as long as you have more mutual

understandings. Many couples may have a lot of negative “inside talking”: I’ve

made mistakes; why does her look so unhappy? It’s unfair! Usually, it is a habit

between husband and wife. Is this her habit, especially for you, not for others?

H: She is quite carefree and easygoing with others.

M: Yes, if she were with anyone else, would her performance be different? Does she only

treat you in such manner?

H: I think so. At least, my subjective sensation is like this.

M: Such a facial expression of hers is directed only toward you. And her face means a lot

to you.

[215]H: I think so.

M: Do you hope she have a different facial expression toward you?

H: Hope she can treat me in her usual way. Don’t need her “special concern”.

M: You don’t want “special concern”, do you? Facial expression is very important for

communication. You start to understand her through her facial expression. Do you

find something different in what he said? (To wife)

The mediator hypothesized the wife’s five aggregates as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife agreed to walk instead of driving the car into

Tsinghua Counseling Centre that evening. They took the indirect route.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife felt anxious and unhappy about the possibility

of arriving late due to the indirect route [221]. W: The context was that when I

got a little angry, he felt it and we spoke less, walking.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife recognized that she was wrong in agreeing to

take the route. “Maybe I was angry with myself for not upholding my own

decision, and felt it’s not necessary to follow husband all the way.”[223]

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara - The wife would need to stop talking to the husband

because she was afraid she would start to complain about the situation to her

husband. W: If I said such words to my husband, he would complain that I

was denying him. I was afraid of such a bad influence and stop talking.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife was aware of what she was thinking and

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feeling as she recalled what happened.

The mediator went on to create doubt about her 3rd Aggregate - the recognition

that she blamed herself for agreeing to her husband was the only way to interpret the

situation. The wife could have acted differently if she had perceived the situation

differently such as if she had been with a friend instead of her husband. If the wife

could change her perception about how to react to situation involving her husband,

she might be able to change her behavior and change her 4th Aggregate’s need or

behavior to a more constructive reaction.

At this stage of the process of mediation, the parties were directly communicating

with each other and practicing the “I” Message model:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa, i.e. what happened – The wife was driving and the

husband asked her to brake. The mediator facilitated them in re-enacting the

situation. [254]: M: Communication actually is simple. You think that he is

very demanding with you. I hope you can practice step by step. Don’t speak

to me, but speak to him. What’re the facts, what are your thoughts, your

feelings, and your needs? You can speak to him now.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana, i.e. what she felt – the wife felt hurt and angry about

his attitude to her.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna, i.e. what was her perception – the wife thought that the

husband was putting her down and not respecting her and regarded her as a

‘low wit’.[257]. W: I thought he was denouncing me. He denounced me in

a way an adult denounce a child or an underclass people. I felt not

respected by him. I doubted whether I really had a low wit.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara, i.e. what were her needs and concerns –The wife was

obsessed with the thought that the husband always exaggerated her mistakes

and scolded her [261]: H: I got her message. Her point is that my attitude

was bad. When I requested her to brake, my attitude was bad. The fact was

that I neglected my attitude. The more important fact was that we were

nearly having a crash!

The wife wanted him to change his attitude towards her.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana, i.e. what was her state of consciousness – the wife was

caught in this negative state of consciousness as she recalled what her

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experience was.

The husband then repeated what he heard the wife say. He was invited to

express his version according to the ‘I’ message model:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa, objective reality – the husband noticed that the car in

front had stopped with the brake lights on but the wife was still stepping on

the gas pedal.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana, sensation – the husband felt nervous and shouted to

the wife to brake the car. He got more nervous and shouted more when she

continued stepping on the gas pedal. He was overwhelmed with emotions.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna, recognition – the husband recognized that if the wife

did not stop the car, the car would crash.[265]. He could not believe that

the wife did not know what brake lights were like. He thought the wife was

irrational in arguing with him about not knowing what brake lights were like

at night.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara, karmic formations – the husband wanted to make

the wife drive safely. He wanted the wife to be more rational in discussion

with him.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana, consciousness – the husband had more awareness

about what his experiences were when he recalled the incident.

The mediator challenged the parties on their respective 3rd Aggregates

perceptions about each other and whether their 4th Aggregates obsessions were

useful [236]. The mediator also allowed ventilation between the parties of their

resentment:

[235]W: I didn’t argue irrationally. I really didn’t know what night braking lights were like.

I told you I didn’t know. However, you believed I was quite wrong, quite

unreasonable that I didn’t know night braking lights…You considered I should

have known night braking lights after driving for one year. Actually, I really

didn’t know! Whatever you think, I seldom drive at night. I really don’t know.

This is a fact! If you insist on not believing the facts I told you, I can’t help. Yea,

this is my feeling. It’s quite normal that everybody would make mistakes. However,

you exaggerate every mistake I make and scold me loudly nonstop…This is my

feeling. You treat me in this way to show that you are superior to me. I can’t bear

it! You always scold me….

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M: You mentioned that he ‘always’ treat you in such a way. How often does it mean?

H: 90%

Only after the release of emotions and understanding why the other party was

angry about the situation, were the parties then ready for negotiating and solution

building [245]:

[245]M: OK, What do you think is the most efficient way to stop your anger? What can she

do?

At this stage of the negotiation, the parties were directly communicating. The

mediator stepped back and allowed the parties to have a dialogue on how to resolve

their conflict in future. By talking about what happened in the past the couple was

actually repeating what the mediator had facilitated them to explore in the past two

stages. By repeating the process of the “I” Message model as in the previous

stages, the last stage of the BM Model was to paraphrase what had happened. The

mediator facilitated the parties to tell each other:

(i) what happened when they had a fight (1st Aggregate, rupa)

(ii) how they reacted to each other, their respective sensations (2nd Aggregate,

vedana)

(iii)what they were thinking about the situation (3rd Aggregate, sanna)

(iv) how they would like the other to behave (4th Aggregate, sankhara) and

(v) what their awareness of the aggregates was at that time and what their new

awareness was after the change in communication pattern (5th Aggregate,

vinnana).

The mediator facilitated the negotiation for options to resolve their conflict in

future and their emotions were coded in different shades of red to pink from deep

(strong emotions) to soft (softening of emotions) according to their intensity:

M: How to shorten the time when you are hurting each other? In the intimate relationship

of a couple, it’s impossible to avoid hurt. The question is how to shorten the time.

Would you like to give him an opportunity?

[285]W: I’m trying to…

M: This is very important.

W: I think body language is more effective…

M: Body language…For example…

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W: A hug…

[290]M: A hug..

W: It’s a better way…Sometimes I ask him to hug me but actually push him away. I always

try to test him…Women always have such reactions…Of course, I understand his

thoughts….He thinks that I don’t like his hug and doesn’t want to hurt me….However

he doesn’t know that I mean just the opposite from what I actually do.

M: You are testing him…

W: Yea…

M: Body language. It has very important psychological meaning…

[295]W: I prefer a hug…and don’t like to be kissed. I think it’s not clean. A hug is a safe

body contact.

H: Really??? Whenever I try to take you in arms, you always push me away…and say:

don’t touch me!

M: Yea, she’s already explained.

W: I’m testing you….

M: Women mean just the opposite while they say “NO”….

[300]W: I can feel his confusion: when do I really need him and when do I don’t need him

actually…I’ve sensed his confusion…I think I may need to express my needs

more directly…

M: More actively…

W: Yea. More actively…and open my mind…

M: What do you feel when you hear her? Can you accept her request?

H: I have one feeling. I don’t mean to get angry and I hope to communicate in a more

peaceful way…But we usually neglect such a peaceful way…

[305]M: What do you mean?

W: He means we often goad each other into action.

H: Yea, we goad each into action. If she says something to agitate me, I get angry in a

second…And I can’t stop just like a computer to stop a program. When I was in

anger, I throw things, but I seldom break things. I just throw things like books…It’s

unrealistic that men are just like little sheep.

W: That’s the case.

H: Maybe this is not a proper way…

[310]M: What do you expect her to do?

H: I hope you can stop agitating me.

W: How can I know which sentence agitates you?

H: If I’m about to get angry, I usually raise my voice. If you still don’t stop, I would

burst out.

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W: What do you expect me to say?

[315]H: I don’t need you to say anything. Maybe we can communicate when I have calm

myself down.

The mediator reframed the 3rd Aggregate sanna of the wife that the husband was

not acting as her “ideal man” image and the husband’s perception of the wife being

“agitating” into a mutual problem that caused pain to both parties “M: How to

shorten the time when you are hurting each other? In the intimate relationship of a couple,

it’s impossible to avoid hurt. The question is how to shorten the time.” By mutualizing

and normalizing the problem, the mediator “separated the people from the problem”

and the blame of the couple against each other became neutralized. The parties

were empowered to give solutions to this problem. Thus the objective of the reframe

of the sanna was towards the recognition of suffering, selflessness and impermanence

as the characteristics of existence. After the reframe, the parties shifted their

emotional tone (2nd Aggregate, vedana) from blaming to being more supportive of

each other:

[300] W: I can feel his confusion: when do I really need him and when do I don’t need

him actually…I’ve sensed his confusion…”

[304] H: I have one feeling. I don’t mean to get angry and I hope to communicate in a

more peaceful way…But we usually neglect such a peaceful way…”

The parties’ expectation of what they wanted (4th Aggregate, sankara) from each

other became more specific and realistic:

[315] H: I don’t need you to say anything. Maybe we can communicate when I have

calm myself down.

[300] W: I think I may need to express my needs more directly…


NEED?





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At this point, the mediator was in effect bringing the experiences of the couple

to the temporal division of the “future” of the 11th and 12th links of the chain of

dependent origination, Birth or re-birth and Old age, Death. The parties had

worked on the solutions to solve their communication problems by agreeing to

acceptable behavior towards each other such as not throwing things and using

appropriate body language to soothe each other. In order to reverse the process of

the 11th and 12 links, that is to rework the process from Death to Rebirth, , the parties

were invited to practise the new method of communication, that is to say, to change

what had not worked into a new acceptable experience.

The couples were encouraged to restate their “I” Message as a reframe of their

five aggregates. Using an example from a past conflict, they were actually

reversing the conflict resolution process as in the twelve links of the chain of

dependent origination. Firstly, they had to change their 8th, 9th and 10th links, which

were the craving, clinging and becoming as the 4th Aggregate obsessions which they

had experienced in the past conflict. By reframing the 3rd Aggregate to a

wholesome sanna, their recognition or perception of what was happening between

them, they were able to react to the situation in a more constructive way than the

original 4th Aggregate which was an obsession that was blocking their

communication.

Episode One

The wife used the Five ARM to reframe the past conflict about the husband

changing his profession to being a lawyer:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa, objective reality – the husband wanted to take examinations

to change his career to become a lawyer

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana, sensation – the wife was worried about the change

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna, recognition – the wife recognized that there might be a

drop in income and other insecurities due to the change[339]

W: Yes, I worry much…I worried about family income, and things like that…I’m a

person lack of security. I can’t cope with so many uncertainties…I don’t have

such ability…I’m afraid of any risk…I like to lead a stable life…

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(iv)4th Aggregate, sankhara, karmic formations –the wife previously just opposed the

husband to take the examinations. After discovering that the wife was insecure

about the future income, her concern was that she needed to have a stable home

life.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana, consciousness – the couple had changed from their

previous aggregates with a new awareness of the experience with the new model

of communication [330-345]. The husband confirmed that he would listen to

the wife’s reasoning and her concerns but not her demand.

[345]H: If she commands me not to take the examination, I sensed out a message that

it is wrong for me to do so. If she states the facts first, I’ll feel better.

The mediator facilitated the anchoring of the parties’ problem from their old

dominant story to a new story or preferred scenario (Slukzi, 1992) by using a past

conflict for them to discuss and express themselves by using the “I” Message model.

The couple had a new experience of their aggregates from the past. The cycle of the

11th and 12th links were reversed so that Death was replaced by Rebirth. The Five

ARM was repeated in this last stage of the BM Model. The Stage Three of the BM

Model was concluded by the parties’ acceptance or new experience of “a new story”

or preferred scenario by practicing the “I” Message model. The mediator finally

concluded the case with the reframe of their problem: that they needed to

communicate their needs to each other [346].

M: I think it’s very good! You can have better communication. You are good students and

have the potential to become mediators. Besides, your intimacy relationship has a good

quality, and you know how to express your needs: for example, you can tell each other

you need his/her kisses…. You can explore each other’s needs, feelings, body language,

and figure out how to live with each other. This is very important. Congratulations! I

think you have great hope for a better future!

Their action plan (4th Aggregate, sankhara) for change that the parties discovered in

the process was to improve their relationship by working on their communication

pattern.” You can explore each other’s needs, feelings, body language, and figure out how

to live with each other. [346]” They had “great hope for a better future [346]” was

reflective of their vedana, 2nd Aggregate.

Thus, the direction of the reframe of Five ARM as described confirmed the

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previously stated objectives in Stage Three which were:



(iii) parties hope to change for the better.

Conclusion:

In the two sessions of mediation in this case, the couple had learned to

communicate with the “I” Message model.

In their feedback form the husband responded to the question of what the

mediator did that was useful by saying that he had learned a new conflict resolution

model and hoped to learn more mediation skills. The wife was also finding the

taught skill very useful and would like to learn more. In the second session, their

feedback forms confirmed that they had achieved what they wanted. With this

couple who have a high level of engagement, they can benefit from the use of the “I”

Message model to resolve most of their everyday conflicts.

(End of Case 1)

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5.2 Case 2 : The newly divorced couple

The husband was 34 and the wife was 32. They had a three year old son. They

decided to get married two days after they met and decided to divorce each other

instantly after being together for four years. They had just got divorced a few days

before they came to the mediation session. The reason for the divorce was that the

wife did not want the husband to visit his younger brother who was in hospital

suffering from a highly contagious atypical pneumonia, possibly SARS as the time

we met was in early March, 2003. They wanted to try mediation to resolve their

disputes about the post-divorce child arrangement and finances (Kaslow, 1987;

Irving and Benjamin, 1995).



(c) Or the first two links of the chain of Dependent Origination:



Episode one

(a) The parties started to tell the mediator their story. My assessment of this

couple was to find out what stage of divorce they were experiencing in the three

areas: emotional, financial and physical divorce. M: You will still need to meet

each other quite often after divorce, and many things are needed to be handled, it’s a

process. Today, I want to know your needs, and we can discuss how to handle this

situation that you are facing. These are our goals, aren’t they?

I introduced myself as an expert and advised them of the issues that they needed

to deal with at that present moment: “Although you have handled the procedures,

the atmosphere in the family should be changed. Besides, you two divorced easily, but

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you should deal with the aspect about the child carefully. I am familiar with this kind

of situation.”

The law in China is such that a couple can get divorced within one day (Meijer,

1971). Normally in Hong Kong and most western countries in the world, the

couple will need to go through a legal procedure to decide their child and

financial arrangements before the final decree for divorce can be granted. The

legal process for an uncontested divorce usually takes at least a few months.

According to the early research findings of Parker & Parkinson, in their report

on “Solicitors and Family Conciliation Services – a basis for professional

co-operation” (Family Law (1985) vol. 15, 270 at 272.) mediation is helpful to

the couples to move the process of their “emotional” divorce in conjunction

with the legal and financial divorce. The research findings also stress early

intervention by mediation for the following reasons:

- If the “emotional” divorce does not happen, the couples may “remain

enmeshed in conflict with harmful consequences not only for themselves but

also for their children.” (p. 272)

- “If access is not agreed at an early stage it is more difficult to establish

regular access subsequently, after contact has been broken between the

children and the parent who left home.” (p. 273)

- Mediation can start at anytime before, during or after the process of divorce

and can be a parallel service with the legal process.

My assessment of the functioning of the couple as parents was guided by the

theory and practices of the therapeutic model. The five roles of a family

mediator are: facilitator, expert, educator, therapist and advocate under the

therapeutic model (Irving, 2002, p.40). My qualifications as a mediator, family

therapist and lawyer fit the expectation of the Chinese clients as an authority and

expert figure who is experienced in personal and professional life to assist them

in their divorce situation. With a couple who has just been divorced, the

assessment of their suitability for mediation and what kind of emotional state

they are at will guide the intervention of the mediator. The theory of divorcing

couples’ emotional conflict and dysfunctional communication is characterized by

criticism (as opposed to complaint), contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling and

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emotional flooding, especially among men (Gottman, 1979, 1994).

This couple had just been divorced a few days ago and wanted to work on future

communication for the sake of their three year old son. I was surprised to find

out they were clear about their goal and emotionally stable enough to make

rational decisions.

The wife’s goal for mediation was to resolve their past conflict: “If the former

questions are handled well, it will not affect the later conflict between us. Conflict is

just like a tree, if you don’t hack away it, it will grow larger and larger, until

explosion.”[9].

The husband also confirmed this goal to work on past conflict and change

future relationships including remarriage for the better:” I think that divorce is a

failure to us no matter who is right and who is wrong, perhaps both of us have faults,

and we will learn our lesson in future. We did something wrong, but we might think

the other one was wrong, we have many faults, and I hope that you can analyze them

for us, so we will have confidence for future marriage. We don’t hope that the divorce

will influence our future.” [24].

I was relieved to hear from the husband that he accepted that both parties had

contributed to the divorce and was ready to move on to their future lives [24].

I quickly reinforced this positive message and reframed their goal in mediation

from “resolve past conflict” to: “Now, how to face the future is the

question.”[25].

(b) The mediator started the mediation process by explaining the role of mediator

as a neutral third party and setting a clear goal with the parties[4, 23] that they

would like to improve their future relationship as parents and not a couple

[23,25]. The husband responded to the mediator as an authority and expert

for advice and analysis “We did something wrong, but we might think the other

one was wrong, we have many faults, and I hope that you can analyze them for us, [24].” The mediator then proceeded to explore their problems after reframing

their goal as being future-focused and not past-focused [25].

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(c) In the BM Model, the mediator listened to the parties’ past relationship and

what they had done to each other to create this present conflict situation.

The ”past” temporal division of the 12 links was to discover what had

transpired out of ignorance (1st link) that the parties became so entrenched in

their conflict (2nd link, sankhara). In this case, both the husband and the wife

agreed that something had gone wrong in the past [7]. Their divorce was the

outcome. They came to the mediation to find out how they could resolve past

differences so that they could change and move on with their lives without being

hindered by this ignorance [5, 24].

The mediator then listened to the parties’ story and hypothesized their

respective five aggregates by way of reframing their conflict, thereby reversing the

first two links.

(a) The husband started to tell his side of the story. He stopped when the wife

responded with criticism to the husband’s remark that “we don’t handle the

relationship between my parents, my brothers and my sisters, including my friends

well [45].” She was critical and loud in her tone when she interrupted his story

telling: “troubles start with his family and friends. He admits himself also, I have

my family and friends, but I don’t have conflict with them. [47].

(b) From the mediation process, the husband was giving his opening statement and

the mediator was exploring his problem until the wife interrupted. Due to

cultural adaptation of the mediation model, the mediator did not ask the parties

to commit to the usual ground rules of no interruption and putting each other

down. The mediator responded by turning to the wife to let her tell her side of

the story.

(c) Under the BM Model, the husband’s five aggregates were as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – They got married hastily without much courtship.

They were very different in personality and the way they handled

relationships. Their differences were never resolved even though he tried

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during the time of their marriage to accommodate her. They argued

about most things surrounding their lives including the child, their

friends and their families.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana - Their attitude, behavior and words towards each

other were hurtful and full of resentment.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband thought the wife was making

demands on him in his role as a husband that he could not do much to

satisfy her. The husband agreed to the divorce as he found their

relationship intolerable as a couple. He hoped they could do better as

parents: “As long as the child can grow up well, it doesn’t matter whether

we are still a couple [40].”

The mediator reframed the sanna as “both of you have created the

present situation? What you want to improve is the method of

communication, Even though you are no longer husband and wife, you

want to understand each other more and want to know how you can help

to improve the situation?”[39].

The sanna became a mutual acknowledgement of suffering, mutual

concern of the child and non-blaming – towards wholesome recognition

of impermanence, suffering and selflessness of their situation in life at

the moment.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – the husband felt pressured by the wife to come

to mediation: “I came here because she thinks that something is wrong

with me, and she hopes you can solve it for me, and I think she is wrong,

and you can solve it for her…[43]” The mediator quickly reframed this

into “you want to understand more about the conflict between you in the

past”[44] and reinforced the goal as a mutual responsibility to improve

upon communication :“how to face the future is the question [25]”

because both had contributed to the divorce [39].

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband developed a new awareness as he

talked about how he came to the mediation session hoping to change the

wife but realized that he also needed to change for his child “I know that

I don't want much, and not consider her much, but I am aware of that, and I

can change for the better [43].”

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Episode Two

(a) The process of change at this point would need to go deeper into theoretical

basis for the mediator to identify the intervention. The wife talked about

family values and systems. The therapeutic model adopts the family systems

theory where the members act interdependently (Irving, 2002, p.36) and

assumes that Chinese culture values collectivism stands at odds with Western

individualism (p.63). In a traditional Chinese family, the interest of the

individual member will be sacrificed and dominated by the interests of the

family (Hsu, 1985 a). The effect of the mediation process only works when

the mediator has taken into consideration the cultural perspective of how the

parties feel about their role as a spouse or as a family member of the larger

system. Under the therapeutic model, it is necessary to identify whether a

Chinese couple is modern or traditional to understand their power balance

(Irving , 2002). The conflict between modernity and traditionalism as

researched by Yang Kuo Shu (1986, 1996, 1997) has revealed that the

traditional values and modern psychological characteristics can co-exist and

under the impact of social modernization, Submission to Authority,

Conservatism and Endurance, and Male Dominance will be gradually replaced

in part by Egalitarianism and Open-mindedness, and Male Dominance will be

gradually replaced by Sex Equality (Yang, 1996, p.491).

The wife’s complaint about her husband showed that she was moving towards

“Modernity” from “Traditionalism” as described above. It would be

important to assess where the Chinese couple were located along the tradition

to modern continuum for negotiating a parenting plan. The wife would be

more modern than the husband by comparison on this continuum. The wife

would think that the husband should take equal responsibility for child care.

Her family values were more individualistic and the husband was more for

collectivism. “I think we have our own family, we should focus on our small

family before the big family, including our parents, brothers and sisters, but he

doesn’t think so [53].” The mediator therefore neutralized and reframed their

different ideas about family as two ways of looking at the same thing with both the

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big and small family systems being inclusive and not exclusive of each other. “His

point is from large to small, and yours is from small to large.[54]”.

(b) In the process of mediation, the wife was exploring with the mediator her

problems. The mediator reframed the family value conflict of the couple as a

different way of looking at the same thing. In handling value conflict according

to the theory on diagnosis of conflict, the strategy for possible intervention was

to focus on tangible interests, search for overarching goals or educate the

parties on “live and let live” (Moore, 1986,; Boulle, 1996).

(c) Under the BM Model, the wife’s five aggregates were as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa- The husband had conflicted with the wife regarding

how to handle their relationships with their respective families. When

they quarreled as a couple, the husband’s parents intervened quickly to

take sides. The husband was closer to his parents than to the wife and

their son. His parents would protect him and justified his faults and

ask her to give in to the husband. Whereas her parents would criticize

her to give ‘face’ to the husband:

W: I think that to form a family just as a game, it should have its own rules.

Everyone should keep to the rules. I said these to him, but he didn’t

understand. He acted without thinking about the others. But I said you

will influence the family negatively by doing these. For example, at the

beginning of our quarrel, parents should not be involved, but if we

quarreled so seriously, we needed a mediator. From my parents’ point of

view, this is an important principle. In a family, it is not important to

discriminate who is right and who is wrong [49].

W: but Hu Bing didn’t understand these, he said my parents criticize me

because I was wrong, how could I talk with him? Besides, sometimes I

expressed that Hu has some faults unintentionally in front of his parents,

but his parents said “you know that the physical condition of Hu is not

good, you should give in to him”. Every one loves his child, but these words

will do no good to a family [51].

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, Vedana- The wife was hurt and angry when the husband

did not listen to her and felt rejected by the husband for being

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inconsiderate about his own small family.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, Sanna- The wife thought that the husband’s parents were

spoiling their son and the husband was wrong in focusing on his big

family of his parents, his brothers and friends before his own small

family [53].

(The mediator reframed that their parents treated them differently and

that the couple had different ideas about family which included both the

small and the big family. [52, 54] The sanna was reframed to be

without personal blame on anyone and became a mutualized concern

that both wanted to change the views of each other – both recognized

that the issues had the characteristics of impermanence, suffering and

selflessness.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara- The wife wanted the husband to focus on the

small family and needed the husband to follow family rules [49, 53]. W:

besides, I think we have our own family, we should focus on our small family

before the big family, including our parents, brothers and sisters, but he

doesn’t think so. (v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana- The wife was conscious of her experience as she

recalled the past conflict to the mediator until the reframe of the

mediator of the sanna which aimed to loosen her attachment to her

obsession under the above sankhara.

Episode Three

(a) The wife’s story revealed their past conflict on sex and trust issues. My

assessment of the couple was that they were a modern Chinese couple who

could express their sexual needs openly (Evans, 1997). She linked up family

harmony and his refusal to have sex with her.” I think sex is a kind of emotional

communication. I have done everything right, and I have considered Hu Bing

more. I have done whatever will make the family more harmonious. [59]. She

was moving towards sexual equality and away from male dominance; from

“Traditionalism” to “Modernity” (Yang, 1996).

The wife’s anger against the husband for his rejection and lack of trust in her

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was validated and emphasized by the mediator [60, 70, 74, 76]. I was careful

to check the wife for her exact meaning: “what did you want him to say at that

time [74]”.

W: ‘don’t be bothered by your career, stay at home and feed the child. Left the boring

things to them, I believe what you said.’ I did not wish him to help me to solve the

troubles because it’s my own business.

M: you just wanted him to listen, expected understanding from him

W: yes

M: understand your feelings

The wife was the dominating spouse and would need careful probing of her

thinking, feeling and needs before she would accept clarification of the issues.

(b) The mediation process continued with the wife exploring her problem and needs

and concerns. The mediator was carefully probing her for the underlying

concerns and meaning of how the husband had affected her and what she would

have wanted him to do. The wife was getting distressed and heartbroken [83]

when she talked about the past problem. The mediator shifted her focus to

future by reminding her that they were divorced couple and needed to look to

future [84, 86]. M: I understand that you don’t want to change the fact of divorce,

even though you behave like this

The husband responded to this intervention immediately by being positive about

the divorce “despite the divorce, I hope we are alright, because we decided about it

together [86].” After the mediator normalized their divorce [88] both of them

confirmed that they wanted to co-operate in future parenting [89].

(c) Under the BM Model, the wife’s five aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The couple did not have sex for 3 years after the son

was born. The wife wanted to but the husband told her that it was not

important for their relationship. The other conflict was an incident that

the wife remembered after the son was born: something unfortunate

happened at work, so she needed him to console her but he criticized her

and judged her for doing something wrong.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife felt hurt for being sexually rejected and

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heartbroken for his lack of understanding about her situation at work.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that the husband had done wrong

as a husband for not keeping the family harmony by refusing to

communicate sexually and not trusting her words about the incident at

work.

(The mediator reframed the wife’s recognition about the past as wrong

that needed to be addressed before their divorce. Since they did not

address their past wrong, it was their common goal to find out after their

divorce what had gone wrong. [84-89] M: it is right. If you have the same

opinion, you would not divorce. For the common purpose, we should

investigate into what’s wrong, and the common views about the faults of

yourself and the other side’s. If you have common views, it will be easier to

face the problem about the child in future.

The sanna was changed to something that both could work together and

change; brought suffering to both and did not affect their self-image –

impermanent, suffering and selfless).

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife wanted him to show that he cared for

their relationship by satisfying her sexually and supporting her even if she

did not want to work and not make decisions for her about her career.

She needed emotional support but not advice from him.

(The mediator reframed the wife’s complaint to the present status as a

divorced couple that they did not need to work on communication as a

couple but only to change in order to communicate better as co-parents in

the future. [95]M: Ok. Many men and women cannot be together as couples,

so they choose to divorce, but they must co-operate as parents, do you agree?

W: yes)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife was reporting the past in the above state

of consciousness but changed to another state with a new awareness when

the mediator reframed the situation to future-focused.

In effect, in Stage One of the process, the mediator had reworked the

consciousness of the wife and the husband from their sankhara,(the 2nd link), their

karmic activities that created their conflict to a more constructive understanding of

their five aggregates thereby reversing their ignorance, avijja,( the 1st link).

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(a) The mediator shifted the parties’ awareness to a new perspective of their conflict

in Stage Two of the process of change. This was their goal of the mediation

session - to work on their future communication pattern as parents. They might

have many unresolved issues as couple but these were not of relevance unless

they would impair their future communication as co-parents.

(b) The mediation process was at Stage Two when the parties were ready to explore

their needs and concerns in respect of the issues they had raised in Stage One of

the mediation. The mediator reframed their problem into a futuristic need

which the parties would explore more in Stage Two.

(c) In the BM Model, the Stage Two was to move the parties to the “present”

temporal division of the 12 links. The mediator would reframe the parties’

present state of their conflict with their five aggregates.

Episode One

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(a) The process of change had reached an episode of emotional significance to the

parties. The mediator started by setting up the parties for Stage Two when they

would find their preferred scenario or solutions that made sense to them. The

mediator neutralized, normalized, mutualized and future-focused their problem.

“Ok, now we have the common goal: it is how to handle the problem about the

child. You couldn’t solve many questions before, so you quarreled in the past. You

thought he didn’t trust you. You thought you couldn’t understand her. This

pattern brought many questions, but all of them had not been solved. We hope this

pattern will not happen with the problems about child. [96]”. As the wife talked

about past conflict with the husband, her tone and body language would move up

and aggressive and the husband would immediately sit back and withdraw in his

body language. I pointed this pattern out at that moment in the session “I

observe a pattern here: that is, when you talk about the problem about him, his

body language is not listening. I should inform you that you should understand the

communication between couple, what can be said, and what cannot. Everything

could be said when he trusts you. [106].” One of my main purposes was to shift

the parties from the negative state of mind when she drifted into that pattern of

communication.

The wife was shaken by the intervention and became vulnerable and emotional

“why I chose to divorce, because the burden on my back was too heavy. Words

shouldn’t be said were so many that I didn’t know what to say at last. [107]. She

was “softened” and became teary, “Yes, I did it because I had no choice, I thought

we would divorce sooner or later, the child is little, I should think about my child

carefully.[109]”. I intervened by shifting her to a cognitive state of mind by

implying the future: “Does the child understand what you say? It will be

unfortunate that the child understands your conflict, won’t it? [110].” She

responded positively to the intervention: “I want to unload the burden now, so that

I can face it in a positive mood. [111]. Observing that she was in a positive state

of mind, I acknowledged her commitment to stop saying “words” that should not

be said “I understand that what you need to deal with at this stage is to identify

what can be said and what cannot. Don’t hurt the self-esteem of the other side.

You should respect each other [112]”

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Her aggressiveness to the husband was reframed to a mutual common ground.

I took up the role of advisor on their communicative pattern which they were

committed to change. I turned to the husband and empowered him to respond

to the wife on the issue of respect “this is the basic thing, if not, she will humiliate

me in the presence of the child, or I do the same thing. [113]” which he agreed

was a mutual concern.

(b) The process of mediation went into an impasse when the wife started to repeat a

negative communication pattern. The mediator intervened by identifying the

pattern and controlling the process by stopping the wife (Boulle, 1996). In this

way, the parties had a chance to look at the past pattern and change the future

communication pattern to be more constructive. By adapting to the Chinese

families, TMF model allows the mediator to be an expert in giving “directions

rather than suggestions” and to pay more attention to non-verbal cues in

expressing their limited affective vocabulary (Irving, 2002, p.72- 74). The

mediator intervened to give support to the wife to express her vulnerability of

guilt and pain in initiating the divorce and to empower the husband to change

their pattern of aggressive communication. The mediator facilitated the parties to

agree to an agenda for discussion. By identifying their underlying need to be

respected, the parties explored what solution make sense to them and what they

really wanted the other party to do in order to feel respected. The main concern

for the husband was to be respected by the wife when they were with their son.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator reframed their situation as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – There were problems in the past the couple could

not resolve in their communication. The wife thought that the husband

did not trust her and the husband thought that he could not understand

her. They were acting out their pattern in their body language in the

mediation session: when the wife talked about past conflict she reverted

to an angry state and the husband withdrew and closed up, refusing to

listen.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – They both felt hurt by each other’s words. The

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husband was afraid that the wife would humiliate him in front of their

son. He was particularly hurt by her saying that he was useless. The

wife also felt rejected by him for preferring his family of origin to this

immediate family.

After the mediator intervened by stopping their pattern of communication

and started to reframe the sanna, the wife became “softened” and

expressed her guilt and pain in divorcing the husband. The husband

also shifted to a “softened” mood when he did not need to be passive

aggressive in response to the wife.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that the husband was useless in

resolving family conflict. The husband recognized that the wife’s

behavior was inappropriate.

(The mediator reframed that both parties recognized that there were

words that could be said and words that could not be said to each other

because they were too hurtful and not constructive to their relationship.

Sanna was reframed to a mutual concern and refocus them on the

problem not the people that had caused suffering and should be

changed – selfless, suffering and impermanence.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife wanted to change the old pattern of

the husband not co-operating with her, especially in matters concerning

the child. The husband wanted the wife to stop humiliating him in front

of the son or else he would do the same to her.

(The mediator reframed their present situation as both of them needed to

be respected. M: respect is the most important thing. I hope you both talk

about this. How do you want the other side to respect you? Do not say what

he did wrong before but what you hope him to do. Ok? (to husband) You go

first, how do you wish her talk to you in future?)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple was reflecting what happened in the

past and what they were experiencing at the state of consciousness and

moved on to a new awareness of their five aggregates when the mediator

reframed their old thinking and complaints about each other into future

needs and concerns.

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Episode Two

(a) At Stage Two of the process of change, the husband was talking about what he

hoped the wife would do in order to respect him. He was clear about his

boundary after divorce and the mediator affirmed his stance. [118]. M: divorce is

the boundary, it is now not appropriate to use talk to hurt. He wanted to stop the

hurting even if they could not agree. He also wanted to change the old pattern

of not wanting to discuss things so that there was no choice – her way or no way,

such as the incident that caused their divorce [131]. H: when we can’t avoid

disagreement, we still can avoid hurting each other by words. As example, my brother

got pneumonia and I knew I should send him to hospital, but it conflicted with taking

the child from kindergarten, then I discussed with her about whether I should send my

brother first or pick up the child first. But she didn’t discuss with me, she insisted that

I should not go to the hospital. It is a standpoint problem.

(b) At Stage Two of the mediation process, the mediator facilitated the husband to

explore what he would need from the wife to get mutual respect. He had

developed some options.

(c) Under the BM Model the mediator facilitated the husband to discover his five

aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa - When they had conflicts in the past, the wife

would scold him and say words that would be unacceptable to him, such

as that he was useless and hoped that his parents would die early.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband felt extremely hurt and hated her

for what she said.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband recognized that the wife was

volatile in her emotions and that she should accept that he might

disagree with her.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – For the kind of respect he would want from

the wife, he could endure harsh words before but not after their divorce.

He would need her to discuss matters with him in a rational way. He

wanted to have choices or to exchange opinions with her and not be

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forced to choose between getting divorced versus going to hospital with

his brother. [115] H: we can exchange views on everything, and don’t scold

each other. (v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband had a new awareness of his five

aggregates about his needs (4th Aggregate) when he responded to the

facilitation of the mediator.

Episode Three

(a) The husband and wife had a dialogue on the hospital incident that caused their

divorce. The husband disclosed other causes of conflict in the past such as his

surfing the internet and going out with his friends that were the source of

complaint from his wife. “Everyone should change himself for the family, and

he had promised me before. Before marriage, I liked going shopping, chatting

with my friends, but after marriage and the birth of our child, I needed to behave

to be a mother for the son, a wife for the husband. I had done all of these [2].” The husband was behaving like a rebellious teenager and reacting to the wife’s

demand on him. H: no, she was unreasonable. She wouldn’t admit her faults, but

she always says my mistakes were caused by me. I admit I didn’t behave well, I

played games. I didn’t like to do chores. But I tried hard to improve.

Bowen’s theory on differentiation of the self from the family of origin (1978 p.

410) was useful in understanding the dynamics of the husband with his family

of origin. Each child needed to be differentiated from his family of origin and

the level of differentiation of the child would be the same as the parents.

Therefore, if the husband’s parents were treating him like a spoiled son which

role he would be attached to, he would not be able to become a husband to the

wife.

(b) In the process of mediation, the parties were in direct communication about the

issue of respect and communication. They explored what happened in the past

and the mediator tried to listen and translated for the parties so that they could

hear each other.

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(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator facilitated the wife to discover her five

aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – For the immediate causation of the divorce, the

wife referred to the fact that the husband’s brother was sick with a

contagious pneumonia and his wife was pregnant. The husband

disregarded the wife’s request to consider the safety of his immediate

family but chose to visit his brother in hospital. The husband would

also surf the internet most of the day, even during Chinese New Year

despite her request not to do so.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was disappointed and frustrated that

the husband did not listen to her.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought the husband should have treated

his immediate family with more care and concern than his family of

origin. She had changed and given up many things for the benefit of

this family.

The mediator reframed by normalizing and mutualizing the wife’s

complaint of the husband’s addiction to the internet “M: your opinion on

playing games is different, I think this disagreement is understandable. She

hopes you don’t put your time on it,. One of the possible conflict is because

of your manner of behavior.” The mediator also reframed their

disagreement on playing game as an interpersonal problem that affected

their relationship “M: You think he didn’t care about you enough?” The

feeling and thinking of the wife were being explored and acknowledged by

the husband.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife wanted the husband to listen to her

and restrict his activities accordingly when they were married. She

wanted him to choose to give priority to his immediate family instead of

his family of origin, his friends and the internet. She wanted the

husband to communicate with her in the way she wanted.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife was aware of her aggregates when she

recalled her experiences.

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The mediator would need to create doubt about her obsessive demands on the

husband in order to reverse the process of the 3rd to 10th links of the chain of

dependent origination. The 8th to 10th links, Craving, Clinging and Becoming were

the obsession of the parties that had created their entrenched conflict to the present

stage. The wife’s obsession or her demands on the husband were based on the

relationship as a couple. The mediator reframed their situation to the present by

referring their present situation as parents and not as a couple. The parties were

facilitated to look to the future relationship and let go of the past expectations. The

mediator tried to change or create doubt about the “active” karmic process of the 8th

to 10 links which were correlated to sankharakkhandha (4th Aggregate) in reversing

the process of the 12 link. The parties’ experience of the “passive” phenomena of

3rd to the 7th links, (1st, 2nd and 5th Aggregates) would be changed automatically,

bringing a new insight or a different perception or recognition (sannakhandha, 3rd

Aggregate).

The mediator facilitated the wife to look into what solutions make sense after

acknowledging her five aggregates. M: you are not a couple now, with regards to the

responsibility to be a mother, how do you want him to co-operate with you? You have just

expressed that you want her to respect you, don’t do more to hurt you, right?

The wife initially said she did not have any demands on the husband but

after more probing by the mediator her five aggregates were as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – In the past, the husband never had much

chance to take care of the child. The times that the husband took the

child with him without the wife, the child got sick. The new

arrangement with the child was that the child would spend Saturday

and Sunday with both his parents. The wife would be supervising over

the access period at the husband’s house.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was afraid that the husband did not

have enough energy and ability to take care of the child.

[170]W: besides, he spent too much time on internet that expanded the

possibility of leaving me and the child. Right? You couldn’t browse

the internet at the same time take care of me, it reduced the

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communication.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that only she could take good

care of the child since she would know what the child needed. The

husband would only spend time on internet and had no patience for the

child if he was naughty.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife needed the husband to co-operate

with her in taking care of the child over the weekends by not browsing

the internet and learning how to take care of the child by himself.

The mediator reality-checked with her the underlying concern she had

about the husband caring for the child alone and whether she thought the

husband had the ability to handle the child. The mediator also

reality-checked with the husband who accepted the wife’s proposal but

claimed that he had” confidence to look after him [the son] well, but I don’t

have confidence to treat her better.”

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife had new awareness of her aggregates

as she spoke about her needs. The wife also heard what the husband felt,

thought and hoped about the future access arrangement of the child [216].

H: I like very much that they come on weekend. I eat simple when I am alone.

I bought an electric magnetic cooker and a crude thin pot made of sand and

clay. I like having dinner at home together, so I don’t care about much of she

said. I love the child, I have confidence to look after him well, but I don’t have

confidence to treat her better. I will try my best to do it better.

The mediator had a private session with the husband while the wife was taken to

another room for the questionnaire administered by Dr. Liu Dan.

Episode Four

In the separate session the mediator could find out more about the facts,

feelings, thinking and needs of the husband.

He was validated emotionally and acknowledged by the mediator that his

agreement to the divorce was a good way out of the situation. “She had her idea, but

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it is very unbearable that she didn’t respect you. It is a big problem, isn’t it? [256, 258]”

M: So it is all right now? One resolution is divorce since a distance is needed.

H: yes, a distance. She didn’t have the right to criticize me like that, if she did that, I would

go away further and further.

He was able to voice his concerns for her [263] H: I still worry about her health,

co-operate with her to search for the reason, for the future development

[265]H: many things I couldn’t talk with her, she thought I was prejudiced right at the

beginning of my talking. Maybe, the problems of hers are more than those of me. She

thought the problems are all about me. I didn’t want to quarrel with her. I just want to

bring up the child.

The husband’s five Aggregates were as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband and the wife bought the house

together. The husband paid more than the wife. The husband had the house

which was still under mortgage and the wife had the son. The husband

agreed to pay maintenance of the son to the wife. They could have exchanged

the roles but the wife preferred to have the son rather than the house.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband was sad that both parties had no

confidence in their marriage a long time ago.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The issue about his brother in hospital was only the

triggering point. He thought the marriage would not last long. The problem

lay with her more than him. She would not listen to him.

[255]H: our conflict about sending my brother to hospital. I feel that she lost

confidence a long time ago. It was not an easy thing that she married me, I

am very grateful to her. I didn’t put much love into her, and she wanted

much. I married her even though I didn’t love her much, it was a big mistake.

We married only because we were old enough, and should have a family. She

had more demands on a couple’s life, but I couldn’t satisfy her. Even the

relationship between me and my family and friends would trigger her.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband was concerned about her health, how

she coped emotionally with the divorce and whether they could work together

as parents in future. He did not want to quarrel with her but only wanted to

bring up the child peacefully. He would withdraw again if she scolded him in

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their future relationship.

H: she still had some emotions. She said I didn’t worry about anything before, but I

thought much for her. Whether she could afford, did she prepare enough? I

talked with her this time, if she wanted divorce, I wouldn’t impede her. Even if

we were forced to be couple, we wouldn’t have good future.

(The mediator reframed the husband’s concerns into his need to be respected by

the wife and have the wife’s trust in him in caring for the child. [267]M: but how

can she respect you and trust in you?

[270]H: I think I can, I don't have confidence to better our relationship, and I think

if we couldn’t be couple, we can keep our relationship on an equal level.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband had new awarenss of his aggregates as

he spoke about the past and how he would prefer to change in the future.

Episode Five

(a) The husband was guided to look at the possible solutions to achieve mutual

respect and improve on communication. The mediator acted the role of a

caring elder (Irving, 2002, p. 74) in supporting the husband in coming to his

own conclusion:

“I will avoid pushing her. But if she doesn’t change herself, the one that is hurt will

be my child. I don’t concern with myself, she doesn’t let me stay with my child, I

will obey. [236]”

(b) The mediator used the private session to reality-check with the husband about

the arrangement of financial and child care after divorce.

(c) The mediator reframed the husband’s experience by the Five ARM:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband would be meeting the child every

Saturday and Sunday at his place. The wife would bring the child to him

and they would spend all the time together with the wife supervising the

access period. The husband and the wife would sleep together with the

child in the middle and they would communicate when the child was

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asleep. They had done this when they lived together. However, they

used to quarrel while they were together if the husband focused more on

his game, work, friends or family. M: you work and live separately from Monday to Friday, but you quarrel on

weekends, this is not improvement, you are repeating the same pattern

before your divorce

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband complained about the wife’s

hostility towards him and his family.

(The mediator facilitated empathy from the husband for the wife’s sadness

in having a broken dream about how the marriage should be [278]. H:

she thought she felt wronged. She had much illusion of the family. When

married, we had many good dreams, but at last it fell into a failure.

The husband acknowledged the frustration of the wife for bringing up the

child without support from him.)

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband thought that the wife was abnormal

in her expectation of him as a husband. She had too many demands

while he had none about how they should be as a couple. He thought

she was controlling him in his social life and pressuring him to focus only

on his immediate family. He thought she was too close to her family and

yet he did not control her. He thought he put his son on a higher priority

than his other relatives. He recognized that if the wife did not change

her attitude about him, the child would suffer.

(The mediator reframed that family ties were important to each of them

although they might have different expectations from each other about the

immediate family. The mediator also normalized that the wife was a

traditional wife who did not have her own psychological space but only

her husband and child as her whole life.

M: Do you think she felt that you could take the responsibility of husband? But

you have the idea that she should be open-minded.

H: maybe it is true. I don’t have many demands about life and family, but

she has many.

M: it is interesting. She is a relatively traditional wife. Maybe she doesn’t have

space of herself, so she wants to be close to your space.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – He was concerned about how the wife could

respect him and trust him in taking care of the child. He wanted to have

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a more equal relationship with the wife when they were divorced.

(The mediator challenged the husband on how he could expect any

change in their relationship when they would be repeating the same

pattern: spending Monday to Friday working separately and weekends

together with the child. The mediator created doubt about how he could

achieve what he wanted if he remained the same pattern of living together

during the weekends. The mediator helped the husband to search for

more options and to reality-check them. The husband was motivated to

change the pattern of activities while they were together, to shorten the

length of time and to avoid being alone together by taking the child out to

play. He might even visit them during the week in future if she had her

own place. In the best interest of the child, he would also change his

behavior to accommodate her psychological transition of the divorce so

that she would not be hostile to him.) The husband was empowered by the

mediator to generate options that would fit both parties’ needs as well as

the child’s needs:

H: yes, I want to go out next week, I especially like to sleep with my child, and

we will have a lot of time to communicate. We also have no conflict during

that time. For example, if I give the child something to eat, she will think I

am harming my child. Things always develop like this.

M: do you have methods to improve? Such as take them to play outside, and

communicate when the child is sleeping.

H: I want to shorten the time. Don’t stay together for two days, I have arranged

to pick them up and shorten the time, maybe better.

[245]M: better to play with the child?

H: it will be better to play with the child

M: you hope the child sleep with you? But she will go with you.

H: she can join us. I only hope that she will not lose her temper. I hope I have

time to look after both the child and my job. If I will put all of my time into

my child, she will be angry

M: she will lose her temper

[250]H: I can also shorten the time. We can consult about how long I can stay

with the child alone, one day or two days.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband was bringing into awareness the

above aggregates as the mediator facilitated him through the process of

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reversing the 3rd – 10th links. He was looking at possible solutions after

the sanna was reframed and the mediator created doubt about what

would happen if he stayed at home with the child and wife over the

weekend.

The mediator facilitated the husband to reframe his picture of what would be the

natural outcome of the situation (active karmic activities of 8th – 10th links) which

would be a repeat of the past conflict to rebuilding a more positive picture of what he

would want to achieve and how to achieve it (passive karmic activities of 3rd – 7th

links).

Episode Six

(a) The mediator continued to explore what solution would make sense to the

husband by projecting different scenarios to the future and empowering the

husband to recognize that if he changed, the wife would react different. I used

the theory of family systems that the members were interdependent (Irving,

2002) to back up my intervention. The husband realized that the problem was

not just within the wife’s control but that he had some control over it too.

[251]M: do you think she cares much about your reactions? She won’t be angry if

she likes what you said. She seems to care much about what you say.

H: your meaning is that I can control her?

M: her reaction is that she cares much about what you have said….

[255]M: but the problem is that you could change the manner you talk with her.

Her reactions may be different.

(b) The process of mediation in the separate meeting was to explore more options

and foreshadow what would happen in the future when the wife or husband had

a new partner. The husband was taking an active role in finding possible

solutions after the mediator empowered him by reframing his behavior as

having power over the wife.

M: You will quarrel if you stay at home all through the day. It may be different

if you take her outside. The way you behave is not that she is right or you are

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right. But how you can improve the manner you think.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator reframed the five aggregates of the

husband:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The mediator projected a new scenario to the

husband. After they divorced, the wife might have a boyfriend and the

husband might have a girlfriend. The son might be in contact with the

new boyfriend and might even live with him.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana –The husband was intrigued by the new

perspective introduced by the mediator and relying on the direction of

the mediator. “The purpose of us today is to let you search for the

problems of mine [254].” The husband became softened as he spoke

about how he wished to help her. H: I don’t wish that she lives poorly. I

will try my best to help her.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna –The wife’s hostility in the past was reframed as

her sensitivity and care about what the husband said or did [251- 253].

The husband felt more empowered by the reframe and accepted the

mediator’s new perspective and went on to develop a new perception.

The husband recognized that he might be able to control her behavior by

changing his own thinking and behavior. “Your meaning is that I can

control her? [252]” The husband no longer held the perception that the

situation could only improve if the wife changed her attitude. He felt

more empowered that he was in control of the situation. He recognized

that he could behave differently when they were divorced.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband wished that the wife would live

well but was motivated to change his own behavior in order to help the

wife to adjust to the divorce and to accept their new roles as co-parents

in the best interest of their son. He would try his best to help her in

looking after the son in future if she found somebody else. The mediator

reality-checked with the husband what would happen if the wife had a

new boyfriend and what would happen if the new boyfriend did not like

the son.

H: if he doesn’t like my child, he can give my child back to me. I have

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confidence. Everything is senseless to me after experiencing this failure.

The child is the most important.

M: ok, it’s ok that you can accept, I think she hasn’t thought so far, has she?

H: she has not told me, honestly, I have no confidence that she could find

one that could tolerate her character. If she finds someone, I will help her

in looking after the child.

M: do you have any plan?

[270]H: don’t have yet, just plan not to live together. I don’t wish that she

lives poorly. I will try my best to help her.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband experienced a new awareness due

to the reframe of the hostility of the wife. The husband changed his

perception of himself from being a helpless victim to a resourceful father.

With this new perspective, his thoughts, words and deeds that carried

active karmic effect (8th -10th links) were different as the mediator

facilitated him to develop his action plan which followed a renewed

picture of reality (3rd -7th links). Thus the 3rd – 10th links were reversed

in the present temporal division of the 12 links.

Episode Seven

(a) The mediator was more directive to the husband in the private session as the

therapeutic alliance with him became stronger and stronger:

M: you should devote more effort to the growing up of the child….. You have to

make better child arrangement and meet less, get along better [271, 275].”

H: I can do that.

M: she thinks her life is very hard as a single parent family. You think you can help her?

H: I can give my help. There is no debate on the question of maintenance, she also

knows my incomes. She understands me. The main question is that she thinks she

was wronged. But I know, if we live together, the result will be even worse.

[275]M: even worse. It is not easy to change the opinion as parents. You have to make

better child arrangement, and meet less, get along better.

H: get along better

M: I think she needs time to resolve her feelings

H: I will tolerate her more in future regarding specific things like problems of her and

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the child but the principal [divorce] situation will not be changed. I think this will be

helpful to her feelings.

It was a sign of successful therapy for the therapist and the client to establish a

good rapport and trust and develop more collaboration into problem-solving

(Pinsof & Catherall, 1986; Sells, Smith & Moon, 1996). It was also a sign of a

good outcome for engaging with ‘fathers’ more than with ‘mothers’ (Postner,

Guttman, Sigal, Epstein & Rakoff, 1971) or husbands in couple therapy

(Bourgeois et al., 1990).

When there was deep sharing with the mediator about his sex life and his past

girlfriend, the husband was therapeutically moving into a “peak” session when

his self-disclosure was intimate and enjoyable to both mediator and client

(Greenberg, Ford, Alden & Johnson, 1993). According to the Greenberg

research (1993) the couple in later sessions would become more supportive,

affirming and understanding and less hostile and controlling (Nichols, 1998).

[295 -405]: [295]M: I think she has a lot of anger at heart. After you have split up, she brought up

many things like sex that she thought she shouldn’t have suffered

H: I haven’t accomplished my responsibility, but I have talked with her

M: she felt sorry because you rejected her

H: I didn’t refuse her, and she is not the one that could give in

M: she is not

[300]H: I admit that I didn’t like her much before. We don’t have much [sex] before,

and maybe it is important to a family, but I didn’t care about it much. After

we have the child, we had a severe quarrel, then we didn’t have any.

M: for how long?

H: the child is three years old more than three years. She thinks that she is

suffering from no sex life. I can’t accept making love with someone who is hostile

to me. I didn’t like her much plus that she had hurt me much, I was incompatible

too. Sometimes she treats me very well, and she visited me when I was sick at

hospital

M: your opinions of love are different. You got marriage too fast, and you didn’t

understand the situation after marriage.

H: I courted the former girl friend very hard, because I liked her. But I thought this

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process was not romantic later, and I thought it did not matter that I didn’t like

her, but she should like me. So I got marriage with her for this purpose. But today,

I think this decision was wrong.

[305]M: no passion for her, have you?

H: yes, this couldn’t keep the temperature.

M: the temperature is very low.

H: if the girl is very attentive, she will feel whether you love her, when she knows that

you don’t love her, she will be heartbroken very much

M: it is that she feels she is a victim. She feels that you don’t accept this marriage, you

don’t have passion for her

[400]H: I haven’t thought about this aspect, I just want to get along with her well in

this family

M: live peacefully together

H: not much demands

M: but she can’t accept

H: every time she got angry and scolded me, but we handled the problems on our

own.

[405]M: on your own?

H: I think she wants you to help her

(b) During the mediation process, the mediator facilitated the husband to develop

more options to deal with their new roles as co-parents. The husband

developed more answers to how he could help her adjust to the new role and let

go of their past relationship as a couple. The husband developed options on

how to get along better with the wife. The husband would tolerate her more

and would deal with the criticism of the wife if it was about the child’s interest.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator brought up the issue of sex and reframed as

follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband married the wife not because they

were romantically in love with each other. Previously, he had had a

bad experience in courtship and wanted to marry someone who loved

him more than he loved her. During the marriage, the wife had not

paid much attention to her own appearance as a woman.

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(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband empathized with the wife: M: she thinks her life is very hard as a single parent family. You think you can

help her?

H: I can give my help. There is no debate on the question of maintenance,

she also knows my incomes. She understands me. The main question is

that she thinks she was wronged. But I know, if we live together, the

result will be even worse.

The mediator reminded the husband that the wife was angry and hurt

that they did not have sex for over three years since their son was born.

The husband felt that sex was never important and was sad to admit

that he did not want to have sex with someone who was hostile to him,

criticized him and scolded him. He felt the wife cared about him

especially when he was sick in hospital. The husband also accepted

that both had hurt each other:

[290]H: sometimes she is not speaking what really happened, she always

speaks as a victim. I have hurt her, but she has also hurt me. We

couldn’t measure who hurt more.

M: something could not be measured…

H: she said I was unreasonable sometime, but I wasn’t, only……

M: she thought you had different demands towards the family from the other

side.

H: I have no demands of her, as a woman, she never puts on make-up,

never washes her hair. She should pay attention to these things, but I

haven’t criticized her. She didn’t agree with me on some behaviors, but

I have changed a lot.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna –The mediator introduced a new perspective to the

husband that the wife felt rejected because she thought that he did not

want to be in this marriage and had no passion for her. The husband

accepted the mediator’s new perspective and recognized that his own

behavior had caused the marriage to fail and not just the wife’s

demands.:

M: it is that she feels she is a victim. She feels that you don’t accept this

marriage. You don’t have passion for her.

[400]H: I haven’t thought about this aspect, I just want to get along with

her well in this family.

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The husband came to recognize that the way they handled their

marriage was not working and needed the help of the mediator to find

a new way. H: I think she wants you to help her.

The sanna was reframed to be focused on problems, not people and

become a shared regret for the failure of the marriage and that they

should change their behavior in future – life’s characteristics of

selflessness, suffering and impermanence.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband was motivated to keep peace in

the marriage but he knew that this was not enough to satisfy the wife.

Since he accepted his role in the contribution to the failure of the

marriage, he was motivated to change in the new role as co-parent:

H: I will tolerate her more in future regarding specific things like problems

of her and the child but the principal [divorce] situation will not be

changed. I think this will be helpful to her feelings.

M: many couples quarrel badly with the problem of the child after divorce

for a long time, just because they have never handle problems

between them. They can’t give up the other side, and quarrel a lot

with the problem of the child. But you don’t have to worry, she is not

this kind.

[280]H: my opinion is that I should treat both the child and her well, if I only

look after the child well, she will be angry, so I should also treat her

well, help her to adapt her to the life. Or she may not let me see my

child.

M: Another thing you can feel more at easy is that she might force you to

do things when you were a couple but this problem will no longer

exist after you divorce.

H: she has no reason to criticize me unless regarding the child

M: So regarding the matter of the child, you will co-operate with her……

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband became more aware of his own

part in the failure of the marriage and achieved a new awareness of all

his aggregates accordingly.

Episode Eight

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(a) The mediator and the husband projected the situation to a future encounter with

the wife. How would he resolve the past difficulty in communication and stop

the negative pattern from repeating? According to what they had discussed in

previous joint session, the mediator assessed that the husband might not have

the ability to handle the situation without developing a strategy and coaching

him to execute those possible strategies. “Now we have 3 proposals that can be

carried out. The first one, when she talks with you about the problem of the child,

of her life, you should say ‘ok, I acknowledge it.’ This is the most important one.

The second one, don’t try to teach her. The last one, ask her what you can do to

help. Just these three answers, the first one is I acknowledge what you are saying,

this is the most important one for you. The second one is that don't try to solve the

problem. The third one is what you can do to help. In fact, she doesn’t need you

to think for her, you can’t think for her, because you are not her. [421]”

(b) The mediator also clarified the boundary of his role as ex-husband in their new

relationship [439]. M: the role is your problem, you are her ex-husband. When you

were her husband, it was suitable to comfort her, but you couldn’t, because you and her

weren’t the same person. You can’t achieve her requests. Encourage her to make other

friends, if she has her own boyfriend, it will be fine. You shouldn’t get close to her, and

your relationship is just co-parents. Now, you have your space, when she gets angry,

don’t respond, say ‘sorry, I have other things to do’, try to have some distance. Don’t

give her hope, but don’t teach her anything.

The mediator facilitated the husband to develop more options and coached him

in his new behavior in handling conflict between them.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator further developed the husband’s five

aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The mediator referred to the future when they lived

apart and the wife told him about the problems she had with the child.

The husband needed to respond to her.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband was confident that he would not

repeat his pattern in the past of advising her. He was concerned that he

might not listen or speak well in response to her problems. He felt

comfortable after the mediator assured him that it was not his role to be

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her therapist. M: you worry about her emotion will have influence on herself. This is not your

problem, you are not her therapist, Liu Dan is.

H: I will coordinate with her

[435]M: the good coordination is let her talk with the others

H: I think your encouragement is very appropriate.

He was relieved to know that he just needed to co-ordinate with the

outside support for her as a co-parent.

The husband was reminiscent of the past and grieved about the love that

they could have for each other as a family:

[460]H: when I was at hospital, she went to see me. It was very hot at noon

and I was very touched. I still missed her. But she still quarreled

with me, even I was recuperating at my parents’ home, my

mother’s heart is not very good, It made my heart ache very much.

I envy the one whose home is harmonious.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband recognized that he could not help the

wife to resolve her emotional problems. He recognized that the wife

might still think about who was right or wrong in any conflict between

them but he would not think so. He now thought in terms of what he

could do in the circumstances to help her to resolve. The mediator

reframed that it was brave of him to let go of her to find a man who would

love her. “she could find the man who loves her, couldn’t she? You should

help her now, I think she is still in love with you, but you should divorce

bravely and let her go [467]”

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The mediator coached the husband in what he

could do to handle the wife’s complaint in future. The husband developed

his own action plan with the help of the mediator: by acknowledging her,

by not advising her and by asking what he could do to help her.

H: yes, I hope she will be better after the mediation. In fact, many times when

she got angry, she just wanted me to listen to her, and didn’t need my advice.

But I felt anxious, and gave too much advice.

M: she felt you didn’t understand her, and you haven’t helped her with her affairs

[410]H: now, I won’t do this

M: The first question I shall ask you is if she takes care of the child, she tells you

of the problems she meets, what will you do? How will you respond?

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(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband had become more conscious of the

five aggregates of the wife and himself in the past and understood how the

marriage had failed in the past and what he could do in restructuring

their new relationship as co-parents.


NEED?





(a) The wife was brought back to the joint session for negotiation at the last Stage

of the process of change. The parties were separately prepared to be ready to

talk about how to develop an action plan.

(b) As the mediation process moved to the last Stage, the parties were ready to

negotiate their settlement. Options were reality-checked at separate meetings.

(c) For the BM Model, the last Stage of the process reflected the reverse cycle of

the last two links of the twelve links, namely Birth or rebirth, Old age and death.

The same process of the Five ARM would be repeated.

Episode One

(a) Both parties seem to have been ready for the final stage of putting into an

action plan what had been discussed previously in the session. The husband

was obviously much more empowered to speak for himself when he was

facilitated by the mediator to start the negotiation with his wife directly. “I hope

those things won’t happen at the weekend we stay together. I had an idea before

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that I worked at the same time I looked after the home, but it may be impossible,

this will be conflicting. [477]”. As he spoke in a confident tone and body

language, the wife seemed a little bit surprised by his change in attitude as it

had been her complaint about him that he would work instead of playing with

the child when they were together. She responded cautiously “anything may

happen, but in the first place, if you have any thing to do on Saturday, you should

arrange well, I permit this. I am not that kind of rude person [478]”. The parties continued to negotiate with the mediator facilitating them: “We can

go outside with friends. They all have families and children. Let the children have

a group environment to play together. Children can communicate with each other.

[496]” The wife acknowledged this by responding “the focal point is how to treat

the child [500]”. Both parties seemed satisfied with the outcome of the session.

(b) The mediator facilitated the parties to the last stage of the solution building by

jointly discussing what they should do in future in respect of their

communication and parenting. The parties were facilitated to have a direct

communication and negotiate on the arrangement to access at the coming

weekend. The wife was still very negative and judgment and used many ‘you’

statements which the husband did not respond to. The mediator reframed the

wife’s blame on the husband for the sole responsibility of the son to be

something that the wife should take part in encouraging him. This intervention

was accepted by both parties and the care of the child became a common

concern. “You both have this common ground and in agreement at this point

[492].” With this common ground well established, the parties successfully

negotiated their first arrangement for child access and would have a good

experience of this positive outcome in the mediation session. Future sessions

to work on the communication pattern of these clients could be followed up by

Dr. Liu Dan.

(c) Under the BM Model, the parties’ five aggregates were as follows:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The couple would meet on Saturday for the first

time after their divorce on an access arrangement with their son. They

had planned to stay at home. The husband originally thought he could

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work at home while the child visited him. However, he now proposed

to the wife that they would first come to his place and then go out

together.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was cautious in negotiating with the

husband in the beginning. She was repeating the negative pattern

when making the “you” statements. After the reframe of the sanna, the

couple was more amicable in negotiating what they would do during

access with the child. The wife and the husband were both concerned

about the child’s future and the negativity against each other had

disappeared: W: just because there are some problems, the body is sick, it

could be cured, but if the problem exists in psychology, it is more difficult.

We are not afraid that the child does not have high IQ, only afraid that he

has low EQ. (iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband recognized that he was wrong in

assuming that he could take care of the child and his work at the same

time. The wife recognized that if the husband had some emergency at

work, she could accommodate a change of time of access but if he was

only spending time with his friends or playing games, she would not

agree. “If you wish to receive the child on Saturday, you should take good

care of the child. You should have responsibility [483]”. The mediator

reframed as “you should encourage him to do [485]”. The sanna was

reframed into a mutual concern that both should do something to change

and focused on the problem not the people – both recognized that the

care of the child was something that caused suffering, it should be

changed for the better, it did not involve blame on either party as the

“bad person”.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The couple had changed their role to

co-parents. The wife still had her obsessive ideas and demands on the

husband on how to take care of the son. After the mediator reframed

the sanna above, they negotiated on the access arrangement in the

interest of the child. The husband even suggested that they could all go

out with friends if it would be beneficial for the child. The wife did not

resist his suggestion. The mediator repeatedly highlighted that it was

their common ground to behave as good parents and that was in their

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underlying interest in their negotiation for child access arrangement

[500, 501]. M: yes, I think you have the same common ground: behave as

good parents, you should pay much and much effort. I think the child could

have good future if he could be looked after well

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple came to new awareness of their five

aggregates when the mediator facilitated them to negotiate on the future

access arrangement of the child. M: this session is just the kind of family mediation process that facilitates

parents to become the best educational model of their children.

W: I know it

[505]M: I am glad to talk with you, and I hope both of you can reconstruct a

different model for your child.

Conclusion:

(a) From the prospective of the process of change, during the private session, the

husband was aware of his contribution to the failure of the marriage from the

systemic perspective and was empowered to feel, think and act differently in

order to change the system and was able to voice his needs in the joint session.

The wife’s perspective was changed when she accepted the mediator’s reframe

[483] which acknowledged that she also had a responsibility to encourage the

husband to care for the child. According to research on the success of therapy

in engaging a resistant or disengaged client to discuss a specific topic or engage

in problem solving, (Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994)

the steps were

(i) to have the family members acknowledge their individual contribution to

the interpersonal impasse and then

(ii) to have them communicate thoughts and feelings about the impasse and

to have the disclosure validated by others so that the family members

become encouraged to form new constructions of one another’s behavior

and to recognize the value of engagement.

The mediation session was therefore successful in achieving the goal of having

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the low-functioning couple engaged in constructive conflict resolution and

decision-making.

(b) From the prospective of the process of mediation, the mediator facilitated the

husband and the wife to build solutions that fitted not just their own needs but

the needs of the child had been acknowledged as most important [500]. The

husband was empowered to voice his needs during the session. The parties

recognized each other’s role in the relationship of co-parenting. Empowerment

and recognition being the two important goals of Transformative Mediation

Model have been achieved. The mediator was able to facilitate the couple to

negotiate in the best interest of the child and agreed to the common ground

which was to become good parents. All the practice goals of the facilitative and

TFM models of mediation as mentioned in Chapter One have also been satisfied.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator facilitated the last Stage of the process of

reversing the 12th link and 11th link, that is, from death to rebirth, by shifting the

parties from the past experiences that were not useful to develop a new action

plan that might work better than the one they had experienced. The parties had

achieved new awareness as demonstrated by the Five ARM above. The

mediator mutualized, neutralized and normalized the couples’ thinking in terms

of who was right and wrong or whether it was the sole responsibility of one of

them [484, 485]. In short, the 4th Aggregate (sankhara) in the mind of the

parties that was rooted on the “three unwholesome roots of action” which were

hatred, greed and delusion was changed to a more positive and constructive

stance: What would be in the best interest of the child? The couple was

facilitated by the mediator to generate more creative options to resolve their child

access arrangement. Because the thinking of the parties was changed to

wholesome sanna, the motivation (4th Aggregate) that created the karmic effect

also changed from an obsession motivated by the “three unwholesome roots of

action” to the need to act as good parents. The 11th and 12th links of the cycle of

the 12 links had been reversed and a new awareness was born to the

consciousness of the parties.

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Clients’ feedback:

In this case, the husband appreciated the mediator’s help in sorting out the

ways to deal with the issues of divorce, sharing of parenting and child care and the

appropriate perspective in understanding and sharing of responsibility after the

divorce. While the wife wanted to do more work on the individual and

intrapersonal psychological process, the family agreed to continue to seek counseling

on an individual and family basis. By learning about the change of role from

spousal to parental, the husband had benefited from the intervention of the mediation

session (Irving, 2002).

Only the wife came for the second session. She said the husband had to

attend to his business to her pleasant surprise and she confirmed that he showed a

positive change in his attitude after the last session and felt that he was taking

responsibility as a father. She also confirmed that the questionnaire had helped her

to look into her own aggressive pattern of behavior such as hitting the child because

her father used to hit her very often when she was young. She was more conscious

of the effect the family of origin had on her relationship with the husband and the

son.

Finally, this case also confirms Mike Nichols’ comments on the change

process observed within a family (1987; 1998, p.526):

Changes in family members are intrapersonal as well as interpersonal and

involve the emotional and cognitive as well as the behavioral realm of

experience.

(End of Case 2)

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5.3 Case 3: The newly wedded couple

The couple had been married for just over one year. The husband was 32 and

the wife was only 24. The husband brought the wife to the mediation session when

his friend at work told him about the family mediation research project at Tsinghua

University’s Counseling Centre. Both the husband and the wife had complaints

about each other. They wanted to see if the mediator could help them to resolve

some of the conflicts they were experiencing.



(c) Or the first two links of the chain of dependent origination:



Episode 1

(a) Knowing that divorce was a culturally sensitive subject, the mediator carefully

probed into how the parties felt about divorce by positioning as an outside expert

[5]. [5]M: My method is mediation. It is a western way of mediating rather that

eastern. So there exists a comparison between the two.

The mediator set the stage for the parties to tell their stories. “The way we

mediate is strange to your culture. We postulate that divorce is not necessarily a

bad thing. Our point of view is that whether getting divorced or remained married

is just a form of relationship, which can be improved and changed. What do you

two need? [7]”.

The mediator tried to join the parties by exploring the ideas of the eastern and

145

the western way of mediation and their views on divorce [6 – 11].

M: Different families will meet different problems. Either getting divorced or not is

potentially good. Mediation doesn’t mean to avoid divorce. I don’t know

whether this is true in Eastern culture.

The wife was quick to voice her views on divorce “Eastern people tend to avoid

divorce [10]”. The wife was also quick to confirm their problem with their

marriage after one year:

W: We were just two different people and after living together, we are still so

different.

H: We have different habits, personalities and ideas as well.

The mediator tried to identify the problem: “So your problem is that your

husband is too close to his parents, isn’t it? [59]” The wife’s reply was that “I

think he should be able to take responsibility in the family. For example, whether

there is something happened outside, or something does not work, or the

community asks the family to do something. Anyway, I think men should have the

ability to take charge of the [family] unit alone [69]”. She confirmed that his

parents were taking the responsibilities as the heads of the family instead of her

husband.

The husband’s complaint was that the wife was unrealistic and unreasonable in

demanding too much from him [79, 81] such as cooking breakfast for her at 6

o’clock in the morning.

The assessment of where a couple in urban China was at in the

traditional-modern continuum could be determined by how they share the house

work (Pimentel, 2000). It seemed that the wife was more modern and moving

towards ‘equality’ and the husband was more traditional was more traditional

than his wife. The wife expected from the husband her sense of “equality”:

M: Have you ever asked her why she hopes her husband to do things for her?

W: It is not the case. I don’t like man who always cooks. But man cannot escape

from all the housework either. I don’t think the men who leave all the house

works to their wives or parents are really manly. At least the couple should

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reach equality between husband and wife. It is a right thing.

M: What do you mean by “equality”? What specific aspects should you do and he

should do?

[85]W: When one works the other one should not be at loose, right? For example,

when I am washing the dishes you are watching TV. It is not equality.

M: So you hope he would help you.

W: Even just chatting with me.

H: She does more laundry and I wash the dishes more.

The mediator used self-disclosure of her experience to impress upon the wife so

that she would look up to the mediator as an expert. “We are married for years

and understand your situation. It is a problem of being unrealistic [89]”. The

mediator had the authority to reframe the wife’s expectation from being too

demanding to too demanding to too romantic “Being idealistic means being

romantic. [91].” Both parties agreed to the reframe and shifted to focus less

on the blame on the intrapersonal aspect of each other and moved onto the

interpersonal aspect of the problem:

W: I am more romantic.

H: She is younger than I and may ask for more about relationship. She always wishes

me to be with her, which means doing nothing but just staying together. That is

what she asks for [93].

(b) In the mediation process, the mediator started by setting the scene, explaining

the role of mediator and the functions as compared to the eastern type of

mediation:

W: But western way of mediation, which is my job, is to help divorcing couples to

deal with how to share children, money and property. Mediation is just a

process, so divorce is not necessarily bad. But we have to negotiate and

understand what problems and conflicts there may be, and then we mediate.

This is the difference [11]”.

Then the parties explored their problems with the mediator who reframed the

negative blaming of the other party to normalizing, mutualising and

neutralizing their problem as a couple: [91] And now when I am listening to

your story, I feel you are romantic. Being idealistic means being romantic.

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(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator gathered information about what’s going

on about what was happening to the parties and analyzed the information

through the Five ARM:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The parties were married just over one year ago

after one year of courtship. The husband was 32 and the wife was 24.

They were living with the husband’s parents but had bought their own

place which was close by and would be moving away. The husband

was working closely with his parents. The wife was a teacher.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The couple showed sign of distress in their newly

married life.

M: You have been married for a year till now. Do you feel comfortable

with your marriage?

H: We are still in the process of accommodating ourselves to each other,

but it does not work very well.

[25]W: I don’t feel very comfortable.

The wife was unhappy about the close relationship of the husband with

his parents. She felt disappointed that the husband was behaving more

like a son than a husband:

M: So your problem is that your husband is too close to his parents, isn’t

it?

[60]W: They should be close to each other.

M: You think they should?

W: Yes. There is something wrong which I cannot tell, but definitely there

is.

The husband felt frustrated about the demands of the wife on him.

[75]W: Like…when it’s cold he will remind me of putting on more clothes

and eating more. But these are the ONLY things he will do for me. I

think my friends, parents and colleagues can do the same. H: She always asks for more.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife complained that the husband was more

like a son than a husband and had left the role of taking care of the

household to his parents.

W: I think he should be able to take responsibility in the family. For

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example, whether there is something happened outside, or something

does not work, or the community asks the family to do something.

Anyway, I think men should have the ability to take charge of the

[family] unit alone The husband complained that the wife’s demands on him as a husband

were unreasonable such as expecting him to cook breakfast for her at

six o’clock every morning:

H: And she thinks there is something more I can do but I did not do. Like

she gets up at six everyday and hopes me to make breakfast. But I

cannot get up so early and think that she can eat at her school. And I

am not sure about what she likes to eat because she dislikes the

traditional style like cakes, eggs or dumplings.

[80]M: So her problem is that she is being unrealistic [in her demands].

H: And that her school offers breakfast and she may dislike it either. But

she just hopes me to do these things for her, like accompany her on

the way to work… The mediator reframed their experience by introducing a new

perspective to the parties that because they only had been married for

just over a year and that the wife was so young compared to the

husband, that the wife was naturally more romantic in her ideal of

married life than the husband [89 -93].

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara - The wife expected the husband to be with her

whenever she was doing something at home such as when she was

doing laundry, he would be around chatting with her. The wife

wanted their roles as a couple to be equal. The husband wanted the

wife to be less demanding.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana - The parties were complaining about each other

through the above aggregates. The parties seemed to agree with the

reframe of the mediator of their conflict as “Being idealistic means being

romantic [91]” and experienced a shift in a new awareness of their

aggregates [92, 93] from a perspective of intrapersonal blaming to an

interpersonal relationship:


H: She is younger than I and may ask for more about relationship. She

always wishes me to be with her, which means doing nothing but just

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staying together. That is what she asks for [93].

The mediator facilitated the parties to explore their five aggregates and the

obsessions they had about each other which were the karmic activities or volition

that caused them to spiral into endless conflict and suffering. They became more

conscious of their five aggregates when the mediator reframed their situation by

introducing a new perspective to their third Aggregate, sanna. By reframing and

normalizing their complaint about each other, the mediator helped the parties move

to another level of awareness and continued to explore their problems. The

mediator was mindful to find opportunities to reframe their obsessions and

complaints by using the Five ARM.

Episode 2

(a) In the process of change the two different versions of the problem from the

parties needed to be explored. The mediator explored the problems from the

couples’ perspectives. The difference between before and after they married

were explored. The wife’s perception of marriage and her yearning for being

in love was discovered. “It is not about how huge the change is. There

SHOULD not be any change. I cannot accept even a teeny tiny change [102].”

The wife finally agreed with the mediator that to keep the state of being in love,

both had a part to play. “One hand can not make a clap [ 120 ]”. This was the

first sign of the wife accepting the suggestion from the mediator that the

problem was interpersonal and that both parties had contributed to it. This

gave the mediator the opportunity to explore how they could co-operate with

each other towards a common goal [121]. M: It’s one of the reasons. I think he

wants the same thing as you. The problem is how to do this? Do you agree that

husband and wife should cooperate on this issue? Your feeling of love is great.

The husband and wife gave their version of what married life should be [122,

123].

H: I think keeping a love relationship and marrying in Mainland China may

involve numerous trivia, for example, each other’s parents, families, relatives

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and friends and even everyday housework. So it is different from just love

affair, which may only need dating and does not deal with families and things

like cooking.

W: I don’t think what he said may constitute a problem. Cooking and not going

out because of parents do not mean unromantic. Romance does not necessarily

consist of kindling candles when having dinner and accompanied by a violin

player. It is one sort of romance but not the only one. I think cooking and

staying with parents also can be romantic. I don’t think what he mentioned are

problems. Sometimes just a slight action or a simple sentence can be romantic.

Romance need not take much money or energy.

They were giving their respective views about whether interaction between the

couple within the larger family system could be “romantic”. The wife had to

accept that the passion was something that could be worked on between the

couple after the mediator reframed her perception that the husband had no

passion in him:

W: Passion has past away.

M: No, passion needs maintenance. Being passionate means being romantic.

W: I think at least he can keep some temperature.

M: You mean taking action to keep that temperature.

W: Yes, I think one can make this.

The wife was observed to be disengaged with working with the problem “It

does not matter whether I hope or not. I feel that if it was half year ago or longer, we

might have some hope. But now it does not matter somehow [153].” She seemed to

adopt a strategy of conflict-avoidance or stonewalling (Gottman, 1994). “It is not

happy or unhappy, because I have other happy things to do [155]”.

In recent research on marital relations in urban China, it was observed that “in

keeping with Western feminist theorizing about the family and despite China’s

historically rigid gender inequality, urban Chinese men and women are happier in

their marriages when they have an egalitarian outlook and share household

responsibilities and decision making. (Pimentel, 2000, p. 45)” Further the

research confirmed that “for Chinese marriage quality of freedom and “love” in

mate choice does not represent a Western pattern as its meaning is not the same

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(p.44)”. Chinese couples view their love for each other as “respect”, “mutual

understanding” and “support” rather than an expression of passion (p.45). In light

of the above research findings, my assessment of the wife’s response to the marital

conflict was that she was struggling within the tradition-modern values of being a

newly wed young wife in urban China at the present socioeconomic environment.

Her decision making power in the marriage would be affected by her struggle for

modernity but also her struggle to maintain the status quo of the marriage.

The mediator went on to explore how they had tried to resolve this problem.

The husband wanted to talk to the wife’s parents about their problem but the wife

refused. The husband was more traditional than the wife as he wanted to enroll the

parental influence on the wife. The mediator was mindful to point out to the parties

that the conflict could be resolved by talking to a mediator who was neutral and

experienced. The mediator strategically adopted the role of an experienced ‘auntie’

who was also an expert in all kinds of marital conflict so that the husband and wife

being a Chinese couple would look up to for her advice and guidance (Irving, 2002).

By reframing their conflict as “common” and using a metaphor of “the growth of a

child [180]”, the mediator neutralized, mutualized and normalized their problem.

Both parties continued to be engaged by the mediator to discuss the problem:

M: Anyway friends cannot be totally neutral, but a mediator can be. I am neutral for

both of you two if I am to be of help. What I am doing is to soothe conflicts between

you two. I think your conflicts are very common.

W: You mean that all the couples have the same problems, don’t you?

M: Yes.

W: This problem is lethal to a marriage, isn’t it?

[180]M: Yes. It’s like the growth of a child. Most care is needed when the child is just

born.

H: I don’t think delay is good for us. I feel that we should solve it as soon as possible.

From being passively disengaged with the process of change, the husband and

wife were slowly moving towards further discussion on how to improve their

situation. In the research on “Sustaining Engagement: A change event in family

therapy” by Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson and Skowron (1994) (See Diagram

B in the Appendix), a conceptual model was formulated and the Marker Phase which

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was the disengagement was followed by the Task Environment which had 4 steps:

1. Recognition of personal contribution to impasse

2. Communication about impasse

3. Acknowledgement of others’ thoughts and feelings

4. New Constructions about impasse

The Marker Phase was demonstrated by the wife showing signs of “hopelessness” or

passiveness in engaging with the husband to resolve their conflict and the husband

was not ready to accept his contribution to the problem. However, they had been

asked by the mediator how they could co-operate with each other and started to talk

about the problem in interpersonal aspects rather than intrapersonal aspects.( [122,

123]) When the mediator asked how they had tried to cope or resolve the problem,

they became more solution focused and more motivated. The mediator would need

to explore more of their thoughts and feelings to bring about new constructions about

the problem before they could arrive at the Resolution Phase for sustained

engagement in problem-solving.

(b) From the mediation process, the mediator facilitated discussion of the problem

between the parties and to identify the common issues. The couple had agreed

that they had a common problem in their marriage which needed to change as

soon as possible. The mediator was acting as the role of the expert, adviser

and authority figure on their marital conflict. When working with Chinese

families according to TFM model (Irving, 2002) the parties sometimes looked up

to the mediator as a “wise and respected relative, such as an elderly aunt or

uncle. (p.72)”. The husband wanted to seek advice from the wife’s parents but

the wife refused. Therefore, he sought advice from the mediator in their place.

(c) The mediator explored the five aggregates of the parties:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The situation before and after the couple was

married was explored. They used to go out more to parks. The

husband used to “send her flowers, buy her some pinhead, call her

very often and go to meet her without telling her. For example, I

went to her school or home without telling her and when I phoned

her I had been there. She lived in Chang Ping, which is far from the

153

city.” After they got married, the husband stopped sending her flowers

even on Valentine’s Day. He took her to the shopping mall instead.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was sad and hurt that the husband

changed his behavior after marriage. She was so disappointed that she

did not care whether she was happy with the husband anymore. The

husband was frustrated that the wife did not appreciate what he had done.

He was anxious to make the marriage work but did not know how.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that nothing should change after

their marriage regarding their behavior towards each other. The wife

thought that the husband had lost passion because he was “old”. The

husband thought that there should be some changes after their marriage

because their lives would not be just between the two of them but should

involve their extended families, social circle and housework. He

maintained that she was too young and unrealistic in yearning for “love

affairs”. Both the wife and the husband thought it was the other party

who was being difficult and impossible to change. He claimed that he

understood her but she did not agree.

(The mediator again reframed “Being passionate means being

romantic”. The wife insisted that the temperature was low and it was

the husband’s fault for not trying to keep the passion. The mediator then

further reframed their conflict as a common phenomenon: “Some women

tend to forget that men have their duties and women have theirs. You must

not know that the most dangerous period of marriage is four years. It’s

universal. Now you have been married only for one year and you still can

tell what you like and don’t like. But if you don’t make it clear after four

years and keep the temperature, it’s dangerous [150]”. The mediator

introduced a new perspective by suggesting to the couple that it was

essential to sustain the passion keep the if the marriage was to work and

that their problem was “common” [176]. The reframe of the sanna was

to acknowledge the mutual problem of keeping the temperature as an

interpersonal behavior rather than intrapersonal ego-centric blaming of

each other- “he could not satisfy me” or “she was too idealistic”. Both

parties should recognize this problem as critical to their marriage and

that it caused suffering to both of them. The problem should be

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discussed and resolved as soon as possible.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife was obsessed with her ideal married

life that they should do things together and maintain their passion for

each other. The husband was resistant to her ideal. He wanted her to

consult her parents but not her own classmates.

After the mediator reframed their sanna, they subsequently agreed with

the mediator that they needed to talk about their problem and resolve

before it was too late. [188 – 192]:

H: I know the reason for her to marry is because that she lived with her

grandparents and might have a feeling of ‘no home’. Though

grandparents are close relatives, but it’s still different from parents.

M: But what I know is that she said she had no problem living with

grandparents. Her problem is that you lack romance and no

temperature in your relationship. This is the essential part of your

problem. Living with grandparents does not matter. They are two

separate problems.

[190]W: The problem has more than one side. There are many problems

indeed.

H: A mixture.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The parties were not aware of the aggregates

of each other until they explored with the mediator. In effect, the couple

accepted that their thinking (3rd Aggregate, sanna) might change and

brought a new awareness to their five aggregates.

The mediator was exploring their five aggregates and reversing the process of

first and second links to introduce new perspectives to clear the ignorance that

caused their conflict and karmic activities.

Episode 3

(a) The couple continued to explore their differences. The wife wanted to be put

first in the husband’s heart but could only be last and the wife could only put the

husband in second place after her parents.

W: Put it in this way, you are a woman too, and must have thought in this way

155

when you were young. A woman is sure to hope that her husband put her in the

first place, his parents the second, and others. I think so too.

M: Do you think he will agree with this idea?

[195]W: Of course not. For him, it is impossible to take me first, because the first

place in his heart is for his parents.

The wife seemed fixed in her idealistic perspective of love and marriage and

was definitely a modern Chinese woman who wanted sexual equality with men by

resisting the previous love relationship of the husband and comparing him with her

ex-boyfriend. The husband showed that he was definitely the traditional Chinese

man who cared more about his parents than his wife whom he just married. “But in

fact I have been living with my parents for more than thirty years. Though we are in

love, we have only met for two years and now we still live with my parents.[229]”. The

mediator explored when they started to find this problem, they both agreed that

‘trivial things accumulated’.

(b) The process of mediation proceeded with the parties talking about what they

thought their problem was. The parties were blaming on each other for the

problems they were experiencing in the marriage. The wife was more open in

her feelings, thinking and needs than the husband. They both agreed that

things started well in the beginning until trivial things accumulated and became

a big problem. Despite her complaints, the wife did not think the marriage

was a failure yet she was not committed to any change in her own behavior.

“Not that serious. I think I am the sort of people who will make the best of things

no matter what happens. [268].” The wife had different expectations about love

and marriage from the husband and they were still unable to identify their

common issues in order to resolve them.

(c) The mediator explored more of what had happened between the couple:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife had lived with her grandparents while her

own parents were living in Mongolia since she was young. She broke

up with her boyfriend because her father did not like him and she

married the husband because he could marry her right away and

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provided her with material things. The husband had been living with

his parents for over 30 years. He had a brother and a sister-in-law

who did not have a good relationship with his wife.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was hurt that the husband did not did

not consider her a priority in his life. The husband was hurt that the

wife compared him to her ex-boyfriend and complained about his

relationship with his ex-girlfriend.

H: Her ex-boyfriend can fulfill her standard.

M: Oh, but do you want to fulfill her standard?

H: I think her standard is quite hard for me but not absolutely impossible.

Otherwise she requires a lot for others, like for me, but she herself

cannot do what her standard says.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that after their marriage the

husband had changed so much that he was only capable of satisfying her

material desires. The husband thought that the wife was being

unreasonable in expecting him to put her before his parents since they

had only had a two year relationship, compared to 30 years of living with

his parents.

H: But in fact I have been living with my parents for more than thirty years.

Though we are in love, we have only met for two years and now we still

live with my parents. So I think they are the same in my heart. But she

always assumes that I put her in the last. In fact there is no place at all

for my brother and sister-in-law.

Upon being challenged by the mediator about her thinking ( sanna) the

wife confirmed that she did not regard the marriage as a failure despite

her complaints and they finally agreed that there were some ‘trivial

things’ accumulated that had caused the wife to regret being separated

from her ex-boyfriend.

H: She regrets having broken up with her ex boyfriend. Her family

caused it. Her father did not like him and she was afraid to irritate

him…

M: So this marriage began with a not so good beginning.

W: No, at first it was good. But many trivial things gradually accumulated.

[265]Liu: It makes you feel bad.

H: As she said, trivial things accumulated.

157

M: What is the situation then? The accumulation of trivial things is your

common feeling. Then you feel your marriage is like a failure?

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife was obsessed with being number one

in the husband’s life. She was jealous of his parents, his brother and

his wife and his career as she was the last in line. She would place him

second to her parents. The husband refused to accept her as a number

one priority as she could not do what she expected him to do.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple was reflecting on the five

aggregates as they explored with the mediator what had happened

between them.

The mediator suggested a separate meeting with the parties to explore the

“trivial things” in more depth and what they had done in the past to cope or what to

do in the future in order to address the issues.












(a) In the process of change, after the parties had agreed to their common problem

being “trivial things” accumulated since their marriage, the parties were ready

to explore their preferred scenario with the mediator who would help them to

identify and assess what would be possible and acceptable as new scenarios.

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The mediator would assist the parties to critique and make the appropriate

choices and commitment to change.

(b) As the parties moved on to Stage Two of the mediation process, they would be

facilitated to explore what their underlying needs and interests were. The

mediator would create doubt about what they wanted from the other party in the

first place. Their initial positions were their only solutions to their problem in

the beginning.. The parties would then formulate the key issues with the

mediator and then discuss the possible solutions.

(c) According to the BM Model, the parties were ready to explore the present

temporal division of the chain of dependent origination. As a paraphrase of

the “past” temporal division, the mediator would repeat the Five ARM in this

‘present’ temporal division in exploring with the parties what their present

experiences were. The mediator would reframe, where appropriate, using the

Five ARM to facilitate change in their thinking (third Aggregate, sanna) and

their needs and behavior (fourth Aggregate, sankhara). If the parties could let

go of their attachment to their obsessive demands on each other, the eighth,

ninth and tenth links (craving, clinging and becoming) would be reversed.

Their observation, perception and feeling would then also be reversed to a more

constructive experience than before (reversing the third to seventh links).

Episode 1

(a) In the separate meeting, the husband was resistant to the mediator’s probing

about their relationship:

[280]M: It’s good for you to tell what you told me just now. I can see from her

body language that she doesn’t like to have eye-contact with you. Is it the

same at home?

H: No.

The mediator explored with the husband what he thought the solutions to their

problem would be. The mediator asked how he coped with the problem and what

159

had worked.

M: But what she asks from you is more passion. What do you think of this?

H: I am trying to change myself. I bought our own home and am now decorating it.

M: Yes, it is more convenient to live independently.

[300]H: From the time when she does not get on well with my sister-in-law, I seldom

keep contact with my brother. My father hoped I could go home and have

dinner with my brother in spring festival, but I didn’t.

The couple would move to a new house and they did not see the brother or

sister-in-law for spring dinner because the wife did not get along with them.

The husband even accepted the wife not wanting any children:

H: She said that having child will have bad effect to her health and figure. Having a

baby means sacrifice for me. In case we get divorced, she will get nothing. So it’s

an unnecessary sacrifice and she refuses to do it.

[325]M: Do you agree with her?

H: I think she is too self-centered. Child bearing is not an obligation. It is an

obligation

In a way but it’s a benefit for both society and family. But she considers herself most,

like the effect to her figure and health. She also often mentions the pain. According

to her colleagues, bearing a baby is the most painful and difficult thing in the world.

She always talks about that.

The mediator reframed and normalized her behavior:

“She is too young and self-centered. Her self-growth has not accomplished yet. And she

is still a girl who is not ready to be a wife [337].” The husband agreed and repeated

several times in the session that she was only 24. The reframing of the wife’s young

age was aimed at changing the husband’s thinking that the wife would not change

and his frustration about her were being “‘softened”. He began to blame her less

about her behavior.

The husband eventually opened up to the mediator who asked him about his

thoughts on divorce:

“No, I have not thought about divorce. But she always mentions it. So I hope someone

can talk with her and hope her parents will know our situation. Sometimes we fight so

fiercely that my parents know a little bit. We have fought without them knowing though

160

we live together [370]”. His concern about not letting his parents know about their

fights showed that he was a traditional Chinese man who cared about “face” and his

position within his family system. The reality of divorce was threatening to him.

The husband was still protective of his role as a son in the larger family system and

resistant to the demands of being the husband of the small family:

H: Though she does not speak it out, but I know for sure that she means that. She hopes

that I have no parents or relatives, and devote all my heart to her. She thinks I can

reach her standard but it’s so unpractical. I have parents who have lived with me

for thirty years and my parents treat me well. She also said she put her parents in

the first place [378]”.

(b) In the mediation process, the separate meeting was used to validate the

husband’s frustration with the wife’s demand and the mediator took the

opportunity to reframe what he thought and felt about her behavior. The

mediator reality- checked with the husband of the possibility of divorce. He was

avoiding conflict by saying:” I have to find entertainment myself. [382]”. The

mediator did some psycho-education about the negative dynamics of couple

conflict according to Gottman (1994) [383]:

H: I have to find entertainment myself. Basically I have no private time. Once I want

to read or watch TV, she will come over.

M: This is where problem lies. You are afraid of her and don’t want to get close to her.

And she will presume that you have changed and been different from before. Your

reaction is irritating and your relationship cannot move further. There will be a wall

between you and it will grow larger and larger. A research conducted in a foreign

country focuses on this issue. At the beginning, the couple will be dissatisfied with

each other and they begin to criticize. The next phase is aloofness. Being aloof to

each other is the worst thing in a marriage. An American research study can judge

whether you will get divorced in the next five years by observing the way the couple

converse for five minutes.

If he started to use stone-walling in handling conflict, they would probably

divorce in the future. By creating doubt about whether what he intended to do

would fit his interest of sustaining the marriage in the long run, the mediator tried to

prepare the husband to think of more constructive ways of resolving their conflict.

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(c) The mediator explored the husband’s five aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa –The husband returned home late while the

wife finished her work early and had much more time on her own.

Since their marriage, the husband had tried hard to please the

wife. The husband did not go to the spring festival family

dinner with his brother because the wife did not like his

sister-in-law. His family even accepted that she did not want to

have a baby. The wife asked the husband about his

ex-girlfriend and brought up their past when they argued. He

paid 30% of his income to her as pocket money and she kept her

own salary. She kept the sixty or seventy thousand yuan given

by his parents as their wedding presents.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana –The husband was evasive when the mediator

challenged him on the coldness of the wife’s body language.

M: I can see from her body language that she doesn’t like to have

eye-contact with you. Is it the same at home?

H: No.

The husband was frustrated about the wife’s demands. The husband was

angry about the wife bringing up his past relationship with his

ex-girlfriend:

H: I don’t think it will help a lot. From what she said you can see that she

has stopped saying ‘I love you’ to me. I once asked her to say but she

refused. I feel it’s because we have fought for a year and she is

disappointed.

[305]M: You think that she has negative thoughts toward you.

H: The main problem is that she always makes comparison between me and

his ex. Secondly she keeps mentioning my ex girlfriend and me. She will

mention it eight times out of ten when we have a fight.

He was uncomfortable when the mediator explored the possibility of divorce

with him:

M: How you plan to make arrangement for her if you divorce?

H: I have no idea now. She must know that she does not have place to live.

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[315]M: For what did she marry you?

H: There were several reasons. First, she lived with her grandparents and she could

own

her own house once she married me. She thought I was a good person. More

importantly, she just broke up with her ex boyfriend. She was not very satisfied with

that guy. For example, he could not get along well with her parents. Her father did not

like him. She complained a lot at that time. She thought I was better in these aspects. In

addition to this, she could get her own place to live at once.

He showed his vulnerability when the mediator validated his frustration “What

does she want from me? [376]”.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband thought that the wife was

self-centered and wanted him entirely to herself and to sever relationships

with his family and friends. The husband recognized that they would

need to resolve issues of the house and money if they divorced. The

husband thought the wife was greedy and unreasonable in not being

satisfied with what he had already given her.

(The mediator reframed that she was still young and she was just a girl and

not ready to be a wife. The husband accepted this reframe and admitted

that the wife had problem in accepting her new role as a wife:

[335]M: She only takes in what she likes to hear.

H: It is almost impossible to persuade her as long as she insists that she is right.

M: It’s so natural. She is too young and self-centered. Her self-growth has not

been accomplished yet. And she is still a girl who is not ready to be a wife.

H: Yes, she admitted this. She doesn’t want to change her role.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband could not accept the wife’s

demanding him to treat her like her ex-boyfriend. He wanted her to talk

to her parents and to change her ideas. The husband even accommodated

the wife if she did not want to have a child. He would not divorce her but

would find his own entertainment if they could not resolve their conflict.

(The mediator went on to challenge him with research finding from

Gottman on conflict-avoidance and stone-walling, whether it would be in his

interest to “find entertainment” for himself and to resist the wife’s demand of

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his attention.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband explored his aggregates as above.

The mediator tried to bring the reality of divorce to his attention if he did

not resolve the conflict with his wife. The husband was resistant in

acknowledging the reality but slowly came to a new awareness of the

seriousness of the situation and was ready to explore more possible

solutions.

Episode 2

(a) The mediator validated the husband’s feelings and frustration further and he

was disclosing deeper hurt and openness about his vulnerability in the

relationship [390 – 408]: “Even though I have done better than other husbands,

she cannot be satisfied. [398].” H: She went to meet her ex boyfriend from time

to time [402].

The mediator facilitated the husband to look for exceptions and coping

strategies that were successful in the past in dealing with their conflict:

M: What did you do to make her stop?

[460]H: I will tell her when I think she is wrong. I once said to her: “you are still

missing

your ex” and so on. She was silent then.

M: Can you give some other examples about how to stop her repetition? Different

incidence need different solutions. She is childish. You must stop her action.

H: When she stopped, she cried sadly, which usually lasted for a long time. It’s sad and

irritating. Crying was unnecessary at all because what she thought was wrong.

She did not speak to me the next day. Two or three days later she would recover….

M: Couples may have difficult times and good times. They will fight when it’s a difficult

time but when they are good, they can keep the temperature of their marriage.

H: We two do not seem to be able to stop fighting.

[465]M: Maybe it will improve if you move because you will have your own spaces then.

The husband gradually became less accusatory about her personality and

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admitted to what he loved about her:

H: She is young and innocent. Although she is younger than I but she is clever unlike

my ex-girlfriend. She never told me any thought or opinion until we broke up.

Till then I knew that she had thought so much but never told me. But my wife is

different. She will express herself out, no matter happiness or anger. I liked her for

behaving this way. And she was a good person who was righteous and kind. What

can you ask more for a girl? Of course she has beautiful figure. But her thoughts

were immature [484].

The husband confirmed that both of them had traditional values and would not

divorce each other H: She is not that kind of people who will change a husband as

soon as she thinks it doesn’t work out. [502].

Despite the couple’s egalitarian approach to sex and equality, the traditional

value that divorce was a loss of “face” that would hurt their respective families

would still co-exist in both of them.

The husband shifted to a problem-solving mode after sharing his vulnerability

with the mediator and was empowered to put boundaries on the problem [443]:

M: You have to be aware about this and must tell her how important respect is. Just

take her as a child. If a child doesn’t respect others, parents may punish her. If she

goes on, parents punish her again. You can be dissatisfied, but never disrespect. To

treat a child is to tell her what she can and cannot do and set her some boundary.

These are what you ask and what you can do. If you do not do these, it’s your

problem, right? If parents never say ‘no’ to their children, they will never grow up.

It’s parents’ fault. You are older than her and you can see yourself as her parents.

She is your child. You must tell her that something she can do but something she

cannot do.

H: Yes, there has to be somebody to guide her and tell her that she is wrong. Otherwise

she will not realize. She is too self-centered. Her thoughts are absolutely right.

The husband was empowered to come up with other coping strategies that might

work better with her [504, 512]. H: I will try to do something she asked me to do, like

making breakfast for her. I can get up early and sleep again after she leaves. If I cannot

fall asleep, I can read for a while. If it still doesn’t work out when I try my best, I have no

idea.

165

The husband was getting more supportive of the wife’s struggle within her role

from daughter to wife: “You must understand that she needs to know that you are

doing things for her. She will not care about others who reach out their hands to her.

When you reach out your hand, you must know some clues she gives you. This is a

process of communication.[511]”.

The husband was prepared to take responsibility to change the relationship:

M: But those tiny things can change in your life. You have just begun for a year, not

decades of years. You have to adjust to each other. You can think in this way:

everyday is different. The key is that you have to make an effort to succeed.

H: We will not fight if we understand this….. Our parents do not want us to get

divorced. And I would like to try again. [518].

(b) In the mediation process, the mediator created doubt about what the husband

wanted to do to resolve his conflict with the wife. The mediator also reality-

checked whether it would be in his interests to do what he proposed. He

eventually was guided by the mediator to realize that there was something he

could do to resolve the conflict. The strategies were reality checked and he

was coached by the mediator to come up with many options to handle the

wife’s demands which were reframed as her needs to feel cared for by him

[511]. M: But I think you should tell her when you do something she wants you

to do. Tell her that you are doing it for her. This is from an authority in marital

relationship. You and your wife reach out hands for the other everyday. You

must understand that she needs to know that you are doing things for her. She

will not care about others who reach out their hands to her. When you reach out

your hand, you must know some clues she gives you. This is a process of

communication.

(c) The mediator continued to create doubt about their respective perceptions

(sanna) and their obsessions or worse scenario (sankhara) - that she would not

change and he would not change for her:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband was going to move to a new home with

the wife. They could live separately and independently from the

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husband’s parents. The couple could handle their conflict differently.

The husband and the wife had fought violently when they were living with

his parents. He tried hard not to alarm the parents. The wife had

mentioned divorce when they fought. She even went to meet her

ex-boyfriend until she was dragged back home by the husband.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband was anxious that the couple would

continue fighting unless outsiders intervened. He was hurt when the

wife consistently mentioned her ex-boyfriend including going to see him

when they fought. The mediator validated his frustration and reframed

the problem as “she is a person of conflicts.” His hurt and complaint

about her comparing him to her ex-boyfriend was also validated by a

reframe of “not being respected”:

M: But I think what you mentioned are all surface phenomena. It is as if

she is hiding behind the surface. She can be dissatisfied no matter what

you do. The key is the reason behind. What is her motivation? Does she

want to stay with you or separate? You have to understand whether she

want to keep this marriage or divorce.

[390]H: She used to keep our marriage but now seems to care less about it.

M: But she is full of conflicts and what she said is also full of contradictions.

H: She is a person of conflicts.

M: Many things she said contradicted themselves. She said she hoped to be no.

1 in your heart. But when I asked whether you were the first one in her

heart, she could not tell. This is her conflict. It’s an unequal love. Love is

mutual. I think her standard is based on others’ care for her, but she does

not require herself to treat others in the same way.

H: Yes, she is.

[395]M: She is full of conflicts.

H: So this makes me tired.

M: You are very tired.

H: Even though I have done better than other husbands, she cannot be

satisfied.

M: Especially when she compares you with her ex boyfriend, you feel not

being respected, don’t you?

[400] H: Yes..

He softened emotionally and became more supportive of the wife when

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he was challenged to face the reality of divorce if the marriage did not

work [518].

[515]M: Yes. But what she wants is that you do what she wants. She wants to

do things together with you both in your ways and in her ways. It’s

fair.

H: I am now trying to accommodate to her and it is tiring. I am not used to

getting up late but she likes to keep me in bed for another hour.

M: Those tiny things can change in your life. You have just begun for a year,

not decades of years. You have to adjust to each other. You can think in

this way: everyday is different. The key is that you have to make an effort

to succeed.

H: We will not fight if we understand this….. Our parents do not want us to

get divorced. And I would like to try again.

M: You two are just beginning your marriage and still have chance to

change. I am happy to hear that you have this faith. As long as she

also has faith, I believe you will work it out.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband recognized that the wife was young

and it was not her fault to have such a personality. She was not able to

recognize the big gap between reality and her ideals. Her set her

standard too high and she was bound to be disappointed. He thought

that she did not care about their relationship. [485]M: You want to wait

for her to grow up. H: It does not matter for me. But I am afraid that she cannot wait.

M: You are worried that one day she will leave you.

H: Not at all. I am afraid that she changes her mind or she does not change

herself.

M: What do you want to do then if she will neither leave nor change?

[490]H: So we continue to fight.

M: It’s the most painful way.

H: I cannot bear anymore either. When she mentioned divorce, I used to stop

her. But now it doesn’t matter.

M: You begin to waver. I think you’d better open your mind. She will change if

she wants and if not, let her go. You can change yourself to find happiness

in life.

H: So I read or do something else at night and do not have to do something

with her. I find myself some entertainment.

168

[495] M: Anyhow couples need to accept that they have both good and

hard times and be practical.

H: If I do not think in this way, our whole family will be unhappy.

Sometimes my parents are worried about us when we fight or she cries.

M: In China now getting divorced is easy to do.

H: Yes, it is, but it’s not what we want. After all we planned to live for the

rest of life when we got married.

He thought that they were both traditional in not wanting to divorce

[500] H: We both hold traditional values.

M: So you come here today to see what you can change, do you?

H: She is not that kind of people who will change a husband as soon as she

thinks it doesn’t work out.

M: What do you think after listening to what she said?

H: I will try to do something she asked me to do, like making breakfast for

her. I can get up early and sleep again after she leaves. If I cannot fall

asleep, I can read for a while. If it still doesn’t work out when I try my

best, I have no idea.

(The mediator created doubt about the husband and the wife’s

perceptions by commenting that the wife was contradicting herself and

was full of conflict. The husband was “wavering” about what he

should do. Therefore, both of their perceptions were changeable.)

The mediator reality-checked with the husband what he saw in the wife

that was good in the first place and how he ranked her objectively as a

woman. He thought she was good at expressing her feelings and

thoughts directly which his ex-girlfriend could not.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – Like the wife, the husband did not think that

divorce was a good thing. His concern was that if she did not change,

they would be unhappy for a long time. He would try to accommodate

her wishes including cooking for her early in the morning. He thought

of “doing his own thing” as a strategy for avoiding conflict but the

mediator critiqued with him that she might felt rejected since she found

“silence” irritating. The mediator observed that both needed to be

respected and needed to establish appropriate boundaries in relation to

169

their fights involving her ex-boyfriend or his ex-girlfriend. The

mediator further facilitated the husband to develop more solutions in

resolving their marital conflict including establishing boundaries with

the wife [441-444].

(The mediator reframed the concerns of the husband about the wife’s lack

of maturity. The mediator suggested that the husband was acting as a

good parent to her in establishing an appropriate boundary and pointing

out that what he was doing to her was for her benefit. Similarly, he must

learn to notice the clues from her when she reached out for him and that

her demands on him was reframed to be her needs to be cared for by him

[511]:

H: She is young so she may be a little westernized. I think I am traditional for

I will take my parents, friends even sister-in-law into consideration.

M: So you hope to maintain your relationship and make no big change.

[440]H: In fact in my opinion divorce is not a good thing.

M: But the problem is that she doesn’t respect you, which is a very bad

thing. She can be dissatisfied with you but she cannot be disrespectful.

H: Maybe she was not before, but now she shows more and more disrespect.

M: You have to be aware about this and must tell her how important

respect is. Just take her as a child. If a child doesn’t respect others,

parents may punish her. If she goes on, parents punish her again. You

can be dissatisfied, but never disrespect. To treat a child is to tell her

what she can and cannot do and set her some boundary. These are

what you ask and what you can do. If you do not do these, it’s your

problem, right? If parents never say ‘no’ to their children, they will

never grow up. It’s parents’ fault. You are older than her and you can

see yourself as her parents. She is your child. You must tell her that

something she can do but something she cannot do.

H: Yes, there has to be somebody to guide her and tell her that she is wrong,

otherwise she cannot realize. She is too self-centered. Her thoughts are

absolutely right.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband’s aggregates were explored and a

new awareness of his aggregates was achieved by the mediator reframing

170

the sanna and the sankhara.

The husband was empowered in exploring what he wanted and what would be

in his interest to achieve. He had developed new strategies in handling the conflict

with his wife at the end of the session. The process of reversing the eight, ninth and

tenth links was complete and he was able to envisage a new picture in his mind that

he could manage the conflict and was ready to put more effort in resolving their

conflict.

The first interview ended. The second interview began with a separate

interview with the wife.

The Second Interview

Episode 3

(a) The mediator explored with the wife in the individual meeting what her

preferred scenario was. Her family greatly influenced her in her choice of

spouse. Pimentel’s research (2000) showed that the marital satisfaction for

wives were much lower in negotiated marriage where the parental consent

was sought than in marriages where you could freely choose your spouse. The

husband’s marital satisfaction was much higher for negotiated marriages and

even more so for the free choice marriage. The wife respected her parents’

wishes to marry the husband since he could afford the materialistic demands of

the wife. The wife felt she avoided family conflict when she broke up with her

ex-friend due to pressure from her father [584].

The Chinese traditional value of respect for harmony within the family was

strong in the wife “Maybe I sort of followed my parents' suggestions. If not, what could

I do? If they were unsatisfied，we would not be happy when we were together. [578].”

She would not consider divorce an option even if she was disillusioned in the marital

relationship (Irving, 2002, p. 73). Due to her coping strategy after the marriage,

171

she learned to be strong and independent “[527] W: I think I become more aware of

my self-value after I am married. I feel my individual significance. Then I realize I need

to rely on myself only, and I cannot account for other people. Everything is up to me. I

work harder.” and paid more attention to her looks and socialized more. The

questionnaire of Ago had been useful in bring up the issue of personal changes in the

wife since her marriage.

(b) The mediator explored with the wife what she experienced in her marriage;

both positive and negative aspects. The mediator used the separate meeting to

validate the wife’s feeling for giving up her ex-boyfriend [575-580]:

[575]M: You obeyed your father and cut off your relationship with your

ex-boyfriend?

W: We lasted a period of time.

M: Then why you broke off at last?

W: Maybe I sort of followed my parents' suggestions. If not, what could I do? If

they were unsatisfied，we would not be happy when we were together.

M: It was very harsh.

[580]W: It would not be happy.

The mediator normalized the insecurity of the husband over her changes to

become more independent [550-565]:

[550]W: He does not think the changes are good. He thinks such changes of mine are

not good.

M: He thinks they are not good…

W: He does not think my changes are good. I asked him one day. I asked him that

whether he wanted me to be more attractive. He answered that my present look was

already good. He did not understand why I wanted to be more attractive. He

thought I just needed to attract him. Then he seemed to be quite worried about my

change. He felt that I did not know his thought, which was quite unsafe to him.

M: He feels insecure.

W: Yes. And I do not know the reason.

[555]M: He is much older than you. You are so young. Many people even do not think

you are married.

W: At the very beginning, he kind of thought so. Later, he never directly expressed his

opinion to me after I changed.

M: He should have thought so, right?

172

W: He just indirectly expressed his idea. He thought I was just showing off.

M: He is uneasy. Your marriage has only been for one year. What is he going to do?

[560]W: So, this is where he does not know me well. I think so.

M: You think he should not be like this.

W: I think he should not.

M: Why?

W: Because I am not that kind of person.

[565]M: Of course you are not.

W: I am not that kind of person. Even if I like somebody else. But I am his wife right

now, and I am under the restriction of morality. I will not do anything immoral

against my marriage. I may do some special thinking sometimes, but I will not

betray my sense of morality.

(c ) The wife’s five aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa - The wife had become more self-aware after she

married. She became more conscious of her looks. She took more

care in making herself look good.

W: Before I got married, I did not pay too much attention to my

appearance though I cared about my appearance. Compared with

other girls, I was not the type of girl who cared too much about

personal appearance. However, after a certain time of marriage life, I

became quite aware of this matter.

She worked harder to achieve her own goals. She liked to meet people

and would not be shy to talk to them whether they were male or female.

She did not wear her wedding ring and people who did not know she

was married even tried to introduce boyfriends to her. She became

more independent and more motivated in her outlooks of life.

W: I did not wear a wedding ring. Later, some people in my company

knew that I got married. Some old working fellows even tried to

recommend boyfriends to me.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – the wife was pleased about herself and her

changes since the marriage but was sad that the husband did not

173

understand her and her changes:

[525]W: What is interesting are the changes happened to me after I am

married.

M: I never heard of your changes after your marriage.

W: I think I become more aware of my self-value after I am married. I feel

my individual significance. Then I realize I need to rely on myself only,

and I cannot account for other people. Everything is up to me. I work

harder.

She could not accept that the husband did things to please her not out of

his freewill but because someone told him to. She was unhappy because

she knew that he could not fulfill her desire and standard and the

mediator validated her feelings [598, 600]:

W: Right. He does not do it from the bottom of his heart. It is because

someone tells him to. I can pretend to be very happy, but I am actually

not happy.

M: You pretend to be happy, while you are actually unhappy. Isn't it very

uncomfortable?

[600]W: For example, when he called me this afternoon, I was at work. I

could pretend to be happy, while I was not. Because I did not

think he really planned to do so. It was because someone told him

to. They were different. I was happy because I was despaired.

She started to be despair and could not bear his change in attitude

towards her [602]:

W: It is like I will never ask my students to fully master the knowledge of

college courses, because I know they can never do that. So I do not think

there is much possibility that they will understand college courses. If they

reach the senior high school level that I require, then I will be happy. If

they reach the college level, I will be much happier. I pretend to be happy

though they fail to meet my requirements. Why? Because I know they can

never reach it. I am already despaired.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife recognized that she gave up her

ex-boyfriend to avoid the conflict with her parents. She recognized that

she married the husband for convenience and material security at the

174

time. No matter how unhappy she was, she would not betray him as his

wife due to her sense of morality.

W: I am not that kind of person even if I like somebody else. But I am his

wife right now, and I am under the restriction of morality. I will not do

anything immoral against my marriage. I may do some special thinking

sometimes, but I will not betray my sense of morality.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife wanted the ideal love to continue

after they got married. She was very confused about her experience and

whether what she wanted was really possible:

W: Maybe I am very immature and naive. My mother always says that I am

too idealistic, too romantic and too unpractical. There is no such emotion

and love like I said in the real life. Love will change after marriage. My

mother always says I am dreaming. There is no such thing. She says that

she has lived through marriage for many years and the love mentioned by

me is not possible. But I always think it is not like this. Maybe I have

found the ideal love.

(The mediator reality-checked with her what she would do in this

situation.[603-606]:

M: Then what are you going to do, considering your present situation?

W: I have no idea. I am thinking about this question. You suggest we may

divorce or something. If I have no parents, relatives and friends, if I

have nobody to care, then I can do whatever I want to do. I can divorce

instantly. I do not care. But the reality is different. I have father, mother

and I have a family. It is a restriction. [605]M: I remembered that you said divorce was not a decent thing for

your family, right?

W: I think it is true to most of the family. Maybe my husband's family

and my parents' family are very traditional. Maybe it is not a decent

thing for both families.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife had a new awareness about the

positive changes to her after she was married and became ambivalent

about her” present situation” when the mediator reality-checked with

her about divorcing her husband.

175

Episode 4 [607-713]

(a) The wife was exploring what solutions made sense for her at the present

situation. Although she personally thought that divorce was not a bad thing.

Her family would consider indecent[ 607]. W: Yes. But I personally do not

think divorce is not decent. My parents’ family may think it not decent.

From the research by Pimentel, the traditional value on conjugal relations versus

the other relationships was noted (2000, p. 32): The five relationships of Confucian philosophy, in descending order of

importance, demonstrate what little weight was placed on conjugal relations

historically : ruler-minister, father-son, elder brother-younger brother,

husband-wife, and friend-friend.

Marital relationship is secondary in importance to the purpose of the marriage to

extend the descent line for the husband (Baker, 1979). According to the Pimentel’s

research, the parental consent to the marriage will influence the quality of the marital

relationship. The birth of a child would influence the quality of the marriage in a

positive way to negotiated marriages but would decline for free choice marriages

(2000, p.32):

The husband, remaining within his family of origin, had closer ties to his parents; his

wife an outsider in his family, focused her hopes on her sons,

Therefore, marriage quality which is how the couples feel about their marriage

is not based on romantic expectations but more on companionship (Meijer, 1971).

Recently, the Chinese divorce law accepts that lack of affection between the spouses

is a ground for divorce, demonstrating that there is a greater change in recent years in

urban Chinese couples regarding expectations on the marital relationship. The wife

in this case was traditional in one sense in her views about divorce but her

expectation on the marital relationship was modern, accepting sexual equality in

extra marital affairs and sexual satisfaction [641].

M: Do you know what many people will do if they do not accept the reality of

marriage?

176

W: Divorce, maybe. What can they do if they cannot accept it? Or they can go out and

get another lover. In the mainland, this is called "Romance beyond Marriage".

M: To get a lover.

[630]W: Right. That is it.

M: Anything else?

W: We do not like each other.

M: But it is relatively difficult for women.

W: You mean "Romance beyond Marriage"?

[635]M: Yes.

W: I do not think so.

M: Many married women do have boyfriends?

W: I do not think it is not easy for women. Maybe women just subjectively have heavier

conception of family.

[640]W: But I think the chances to get a lover are equal to both men and women.

M: The chances are equal. Many women have their career, too. Some women choose

children rather than family.

W: I do not want kid. It was not that I did not want kid from the very beginning. I just

gradually do not want kid. Because I do not think it is worthwhile.

She would not sacrifice her life for her children like her mother [649]. W: I do

not think it is worthwhile to conceive baby for him. It is not worthwhile for this family,

either. It is not necessary. I think that giving birth to a baby is a move to sacrifice

myself. Though I got lots of traditional education, I also got some fresh ideas. I am not

100% traditional. I will not sacrifice myself.

(b) The mediator was reality-checking with the wife what she would propose to the

husband to resolve their marital conflict. The wife’s values were explored and

her possible options were being challenged by the mediator to confirm whether

they were really in her best interests. Her needs as a woman with both

traditional and modern values were clarified. Her choice of not to have

children was challenged by the mediator [650, 685].

[650]M: Is it acceptable in China right now that the wife does not conceive a baby?

Will the husband's family accept this fact?

W: They can accept it.

M: Will your husband accept it?

177

W: It is not a problem whether he will accept this fact. I will never want baby.

M: You do not cooperate. Then what are you going to do? Do you have any

measures to prevent this from happening?

[655]W: I can take anti-birth measures. I do not want baby.

M: What about him?

W: He does not want kid, either. He expressed such idea in the past. He is too busy.

He does not want kid.

However, the mediator empowered the wife to make her own decision without

imposing the mediator’s value judgment. The reality-checking was based on the

subtext of the Chinese cultural values on family to facilitate the wife to reflect on her

present situation (Irving, 2002).

(c) The mediator explored further the five aggregates of the wife:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife’s mother was aware of her conflict with

the husband and had persuaded her to accept that marriage life was not

about love but resolving conflicts of everyday life:

W: She meant that both husband and wife should not think about love all

day long. She said there was not so much love in life. The marriage life

of the couple was about living everyday life and helping each other to

solve the problems in life. That was what she meant. She always thinks

so.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife had strong feelings about her

marriage

W: Actually, my mother has told me all those principles and ideas. I

understand them. I even have no problem talking about those ideas.

But I just will not accept them.

[625]M: Your feelings are from your experience, right? Your experience

tells you so.

W: Maybe your experience is right. But it seems I cannot accept this fact.

I just cannot accept it. I seem to be a person who has very strong

tendency for perfection. In some aspects, I tend to pursue perfection.

I think I cannot accept it.

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Since divorce was not an option, she would endure the present situation:

W: I will not take it. I considered about it sometime ago and I decided that I would not

want to be unhappy. I can proceed with my life in the present situation.

After the mediator reframed that the marriage actually strengthened her in a

positive way, she became more confident about herself:

W: Traditional women are like this. They are very submissive at home, and they do not

take too much outside activities. They will not casually communicate with strangers.

But right now, I feel quite at ease to meet a stranger, no matter whether the stranger

is male or female. Even if that is a man, it is OK. In the past, I would feel guilty if I

intimately talked with a man after I got married. I would blame myself for a long

time. Now, I think it is pretty normal. Why can’t I do it?

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife recognized that the options for people

who were not happy with their marriage were either to divorce or have a

lover. She recognized that there were good men out there. It was just

that she met the wrong person:

M: Now, you already can accept this point. You are still young. Maybe it is

too early for you to accept it.

W: I do not think I can ever accept it. I will not accept it. Because I think

there are good men. It is just I did not meet so many good men. Or, I

just met the wrong person. There must be someone good.

The wife recognized that child-bearing was a sacrifice for a woman. She gave

her reasoning, basing on her personal experience as a daughter. Even though she

was a good daughter to her mother, her mother could have done other things if she

did not have her children and the mediator created doubt about the certainty of her

views and perception in this matter:

M: Did you ever talk about this with your mother?

W: I did.

M: How did she respond?

W: She was against my idea.

[680]M: Why?

W: She is very traditional. She worried that there was no son or daughter to take care

of me when I got old. And she said something more like this.

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M: How is your relationship with your mother? Do you obey her ideas?

W: I do not think I will follow her ideas concerning this matter. I will never obey her on

this issue. I think I should follow my own ideas.

M: Do you think it was worthwhile that your mother gave birth to children?

[685]W: I do not think so.

M: It is not worthwhile because you are not a good daughter?

W: Yes, I am a good daughter. I do not think it was necessary for her to give birth to

children. She might do something else if she did not give birth to me. Anyhow, I did

not think it was worthwhile. If I were her, I would not do it. But at that time, it was

impossible.

M: But she has a good daughter.

W: Maybe she did not want to do it. Maybe she did it because of pressure. Nobody

knows.

[690]M: Did you ever ask her about it?

W: No, I did not.

M: No, you did not…

W: But she feels good about it now.

M: I think what she told you were reasonable. She told you so because she got worried

that nobody would take care of you when you got old.

[695]W: I will not think about this problem. I do not think it is a problem that nobody

will take care of me when I get old.

M: What I just said was that she felt you were important.

W: Yes, of course. I am very important to her.

M: So, to her, marriage was not the most important.

W: My mother told me that sometimes my father would lament that she cared about

my brother and me too much, even more than him.

[700]M: So many women choose to conceive kids because they do not have deep

emotion towards their husbands. They want kids to keep their lives going.

The mediator normalized the wife’s perception about child-bearing by reframing

her mother’s situation in a loveless marriage as “They want kids to keep their lives

going.” The wife became more conscious of what she wanted for herself when the

mediator created doubt about her perception:

W: I will not take this approach.

M: Do not be so sure.

W: I will not take it. I considered about it sometime ago and I decided that I would not

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want to be unhappy. I can proceed with my life in the present situation.

M: That is good.

The wife had a shift in her awareness of her perception regarding her present

situation:

[705]W: I can do other things to distract my attention. I can have more friends or play ball

games in the spare time. I can choose to watch movies. All these things will do. I

can read, listen to some music. There are many things that I can do. I can go to

get some education.

M: You just said that marriage gave you lots of strength, right?

As the mediator reframed that the wife had gained a lot of strength from the

marriage, the wife acknowledged this change as positive and that it had a beneficial

effect from an intrapersonal development point of view:

W: Yes. I think I have changed a lot in this aspect. I care more about myself, and I like to

play outside more.

M: Oh. In the past, you were just the daughter of your parents. There was no personal

space for you.

W: Traditional women are like this. They are very submissive at home, and they do not

take too much outside activities. They will not casually communicate with strangers.

But right now, I feel quite at ease to meet a stranger, no matter whether the stranger

is male or female. Even if that is a man, it is OK. In the past, I would feel guilty if I

intimately talked with a man after I got married. I would blame myself for a long

time. Now, I think it is pretty normal. Why can’t I do it?

The mediator followed by reframing that because the husband had changed, she

had changed for the better. The wife agreed that she would not have changed if he

had not. Therefore, “change” in their relationship had been a positive thing for her

after all:

[710]M: So your husband perceives your change. He feels unsafe. You have changed a lot

in the time of one year.

W: But I think my change is caused by him. If he maintains in the romantic atmosphere of

love, I will not change.

M: This is interactive. He changes, so you change. Good. However, do you think he knows

he is the cause of all these changes?

W: I have no idea. He should know something.

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(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She would never accept a marriage short of

her ideals. She would not want a child with the husband because it was

not worth her while to make a sacrifice for him and his family. To

distract herself from the “loveless” marriage, she could do the

following:

W: I can have more friends or play ball games in the spare time. I can

choose to watch movies. All these things will do. I can read, listen to

some music. There are many things that I can do. I can go to get some

education [705]

As the mediator reframed that the changes to her were positive to her

personal development, she became less obsessed with her need for the

husband to sustain her romantic ideal of love.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife gained a new awareness of her

aggregates after the mediator’s reframe that the changes to her caused

by her husband’s behavior was a positive strength in her life and she

became more motivated to deal with the relationship and accepting to

the change in her marriage relationship.

The mediator reversed the active karmic processes of the 8th to 10th links

(craving, clinging and becoming) by reframing the third Aggregate of the wife’s

perceptions (sanna) as mentioned above. The wife’s extreme despair (2nd Aggregate,

vedana) of the husband’s change in attitude was reframed as a positive motivation

for the wife to grow and become a stronger and independent person. She was

empowered to handle her conflict with her husband and became more accepting to

‘change’ in both for her husband and herself. In effect, she had moved from her

attachment to her obsessive thinking and wants and became more open to other

possible solutions.

Episode 5 [714 – 762]

(a) The wife was exploring what other solutions made sense.

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M: How do you hope to improve the situation of your relationship? What can you do

at present?

[715]W: I think the situation can be improved if some problems are thought through.

M: What kind of measures do you think are useful right now? What are you going to

talk with him tonight to solve the problems? The conversation may be useful to your

own future as well as your couple relationship. What do you want to talk about?

W: I do not think he is very frank.

She was able to voice her concern about him not being “frank” and she felt

vulnerable when she did not know what he was thinking or feeling. W: Yes, not frank and not sincere. For example, once I told him something about my ex-boy

friend, and he got unhappy. But he would not talk about it. I could not perceive if he was

unhappy from his countenance, which was the same as usual. I could not tell the

difference. Then he would express his discontentment when I quarreled with him. I

would say his defects and then he would tell me mine. He would say that he knew all my

dirty things. Then I felt he was very dishonest. I thought he should tell me his feelings

the moment he got unhappy. He did not tell me at that time while he chose to tell me

sometime later. He chose to tell me when we were quarreling, especially when I pointed

out his defects. He seemed to try to balance the power situation between him and me. He

tried to add poise on his side. He took my faults and defects as his power to defeat me.

From this matter, I feel that he is very terrible. W: I think he is quite cunning. He is

always covered in the darkness, while I am exposed in the light. I am vulnerable.

[720]M: You sort of feel unsafe. He buries many things in his mind.

W: If I am kind of unhappy then I express it instantly through all kinds of ways.

The mediator tried to ask “coping questions” about what she could do to deal

with his secretive tendency.

W: He is so terrible and so astute. It really coincides with what my mother said in the

past. She expressed her concern that I might be enslaved to him, because he was

much older than me and he knew more on the matter of many things. Like this, he

is always in the darkness, while I am always in the light. He can always get my

weakness while I cannot get his.

M: What do you do to protect yourself?

[735]W: At present, there are many things that I do not tell him, like something that may

irritate him. I will pretend that there is nothing happened. I seem to love him no

more. I feel like so.

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The mediator shifted to her sex life and found out how much in despair she was

in her marriage in pretending to love him while she did not even care to make love.

Her modern and traditional conflict was evident in her wish to maintain the

marriage but to seek for love and intimacy from her dreams with her ex-boyfriend

and someone new.

W: It seems that I do not love him anymore. I even loved somebody else. I dreamed

about somebody else when I was dreaming. I just betray him in my dreams. I do not

do anything wrong in actual conduct. I just betray him in my dreams. I dream

about someone else many times, including my ex-boyfriend and the person I like

now. M: Is that a good beginning?

W: I am able to control myself under such situation.

[740]M: Yes.

W: I can keep our marriage, and I will not betray him in my conduct.

M: How about your sex life with him? Is he a good husband in the aspect of sex?

W: I make great effort to make him feel that he is great.

She was being negative when the mediator tried to shift her to the positive

solution of moving house. She did not want to tell him what she wanted from him.

She would do whatever she could to make herself happy without him.

W: I try my best to make him feel that he is great. Sometimes it is a feeling close to pity. It

is not pity, which is over-description. On the matter of sex life, I am already unhappy. I

do not think it will solve the problem to make another person be unhappy. If I make

him unhappy, the result will be quarrel. Both he and I will get hurt. It seems that I am

purely being kind to him. Right now, it is an absolute goodness from me. My goodness

explains that I am in despair about him in many aspects. Even if I can keep the

marriage, it is under the restriction of morality. I cannot say I do not love him at all.

But if the present situation progresses, I have no idea how my feeling for him will

evolve. I think about this matter and I feel I can keep the marriage with him even I do

not love him at all. It is just like this.

M: Your wish is to change the house, which may improve the situation a little.

The mediator used the reframe of her need to have space in the marriage to

engage her in a dialogue with the husband [760].

[760]M: I understand. You can hear his requests about you. You should try to

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communicate. No matter whether you like him or not, you hope there is more space when

the two of you are together.

W: Yes.

M: It is important how to get more space. It is important that he knows your need for the

marriage. This is a direction how we shall proceed later.

She shifted from an intrapersonal perspective of their conflict to an

interpersonal perspective that both the wife and the husband would be able to offer

options.

(b) The mediator tried to suggest some possible options for her to propose to the

husband at the joint meeting. The wife was resistant in proposing anything but

she changed her mind when the mediator reframed her need to having space in

the marriage rather than saving the marriage [760-762]. She was prepared to

talk about her needs and concerns in the joint session.

(c) The wife continued to explore her concern by the Five ARM:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife was recalling an incident that was of

concern to her regarding his secretive personality:

W: once I told him something about my ex-boy friend, and he got unhappy.

But he would not talk about it. I could not perceive if he was unhappy

from his countenance, which was the same as usual. I could not tell

the difference. Then he would express his discontentment when I

quarrelled with him. I would say his defects and then he would tell me

mine. He would say that he knew all my dirty things. Then I felt he was

very dishonest. I thought he should tell me his feelings the moment he

got unhappy. He did not tell me at that time while he chose to tell me

sometime later. He chose to tell me when we were quarreling, especially

when I pointed out his defects.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was afraid of him and felt vulnerable

that she would be enslaved by the husband since she did not know what

he was thinking and feeling.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that the husband was not frank,

that he was insincere and even cunning. She thought that “He seemed to

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try to balance the power situation between him and me. He tried to add

poise on his side. He took my faults and defects as his power to defeat me.

From this matter, I feel that he is very terrible”. She thought that she might

not love him anymore. She might even be in love with someone else.

The mediator created doubt about whether her perception was in her

interests:

M: Is that a good beginning?

W: I am able to control myself under such situation.

[740]M: Yes.

W: I can keep our marriage, and I will not betray him in my conduct.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – To protect herself, she would not tell him what

she felt or thought or things that would irritate him. She would keep the

marriage with him without betraying him. She wanted him not to stay at

his parents’ house too often when they moved.

The wife was initially resistant to the invitation to talk about their

relationship in the joint meeting as she knew he would not accept that it

was his fault. When invited to place her demands on her husband, she did

not seem to care as her focus was no longer on him:

[755]W: I think it is a question whether he will accept it. He is the kind of

person who will not admit his fault when you point it out. He will

argue with you when you point out his fault.

M: I hope when we are talking, we are not talking about who is right or who

is wrong. It is just about your request. I think you have the right to put

forward your requirement.

W: Yes, I have. But I do not have the desire to put my requirement. M: Ok, you do not have the desire to put forward your requirement. But I

think it is just a dialogue, I do not know whether he can do it.

W: Right now, it does not matter whether he can do it. Because it seems my

attention is not on him any more. I seem to pay more attention to myself

or somebody else. My focus is not entirely on him.

(The mediator then reframed that her need was to find out what she could

do to maintain the marriage. One of the strategies was to move house

and to create their own space in the marriage. The mediator used

reframing of the fourth Aggregate to shift the wife to move away from her

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position that her” focus was not on him” to “the need to get more space

in the marriage relationship”:

[760]M: I understand. You can hear his requests about you. You should try to

communicate. No matter whether you like him or not, you hope there

is more space when the two of you are together.

W: Yes.

M: It is important how to get more space. It is important that he knows your

need for the marriage. This is a direction how we shall proceed later.)

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She agreed to communicate her needs and

create space within the marriage after the mediator reframed the 4th

Aggregate.

She shifted from her previous aggregates and achieved a new awareness of the

problem that she was facing as a mutual problem to be solved with the husband.

The focus would be on how to deal with the situation without blaming either of them.

By reframing the fourth Aggregate, sankhara (i.e. 8th to 10th links) which was the

position of the wife, the mediator reversed the active karmic process and prepared

the wife for more possible solutions in the next joint meeting and a new picture or

experience would replace the third to seventh links.

Episode 6 [764 – 835] (joint session)

(a) The husband was eager to start the discussion on possible solutions. He was

reflected that he could do better to improve the marital relationship. He was

prepared to do more housework and cook for the wife at 6 am:

H: There really is something. Like the issue she said about being romantic, I

thought about it after I went back. And I thought about the issue of

housework.

[795]M: You thought about them.

H: I did not pay special attention to them .

M: Do you think there is something that you can improve? Did you take some

actions these days?

H: I was going to prepare breakfast for her this morning, but she would not let me

do it.

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W: It was not possible. If you did it, your parents would hate me. They would say I

abuse you.

[800]H: You may be thinking too much.

W: That is really the case.

His decision about housework was in line with the research by Pimentel (2000)

that egalitarian agreement of attitudes between spouses would enhance the marital

relationship for women but not necessarily for men. The husband was definitely

trying to prove how much he cared for the wife by offering to cook for her. However,

the wife’s refusal was also influenced by the cultural norm that she was an outsider

in the family of the husband.

The situation for the husband is different because the wife's mother will care

about her daughter's husband. “In China, there is an old say: mother-in-law tends to

like her son-in-law more and more. The mother-in-law may really like him. The

mother-in-law may want him to treat her daughter well. The reasons above are possible.

But the case is different for the daughter-in-law. [820]”.

Feeling rejected by the wife, the husband reverted back to his communication

pattern by being critical about the wife’s intrapersonal experience of being ‘overly

concerned’. The wife was about to respond in her self-defense and accused the

husband of “Do not try to cover something. I do not like it. [822].” The mediator

intervened by highlighting their differences in their lifestyles and expression and the

parties agreed:

W: I am very direct, no matter to whom. I just say out what I am thinking. I will not

talk indirectly and cover my intention. I am not like that.

M: But are you (the husband) the same?

[830]H: I am more open-minded with some things. So I do not care so much. Maybe she

will not like to listen even I say it out.

By reframing their conflict into two different styles of living as well as

expression, the mediator facilitated the husband’s recognition of the wife’s openness.

The parties shifted from a mode of attack and defending to accepting their

differences in style of communication.

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(b) The parties were facilitated by the mediator to discuss the possible options.

The husband started off with an offer to do more housework as demanded by the

wife. However, the discussion brought out more hidden concerns of the wife

regarding the cultural expectations of her role [820]. The wife was getting

upset when the husband tried to criticize her [822]

H: She expressed such meaning in the past. Maybe she is overly concerned.

W: Do not try to cover something. I do not like it.

The mediator then shifted the parties by saying: “Ok. Your living styles indicate

that each of you has his(or her) own space and private things. Both of you change a lot.

In the past, there were things that you did not agree with each other. [823]”

The wife’s expressiveness and openness were acknowledged by the husband

[832, 833]. Having reframed the negative experiences that the couple brought to

the session in the beginning, the mediator went on to set out the agenda for

discussion. Their agreed topic for discussion was: How to improve their

communication with each other? :

H: I like it. Normal men like this style. I think it is good that she expresses her feelings if

she is unhappy about something.

M: You feel it is very good. Many women do not express their feelings because they

want you to guess, which is very troublesome. She does not.

H: This is no problem.

[835]M: She is relatively direct. In many aspects, the two of you should cooperate with

each other's living style. You can do it. It is different to change material stuff.

Do you think there is something that you need to improve in the aspect of

communication?

(c) The mediator explored their five aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband had reflected on the past session

when the wife wanted him to show more loving and romantic behavior to

her. As a result, he offered to cook breakfast for the wife this morning.

But the wife refused to allow him to do so.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was frustrated and was concerned

about what his parents would think. The husband felt rejected by the

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wife and was frustrated about what she was feeling about his parents.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought that his parents would think that

she was abusing him. The husband thought the wife was over sensitive

about his parents.

The mediator reframed their conflict in styles of living and self-

expression as normal and that they had both changed a lot since their

marriage.[823, 835]. M: Ok. Your living styles indicate that each of you

has his(or her) own space and private things. Both of you change a lot. In

the past, there were things that you did not agree with each other.

Compared with normal couples, the talking style of you is sometimes very

funny, right? The common ground of the couple was that they had both

experienced changes since their marriage despite whether they had

wanted to or not.

The husband recognized the openness of the wife as a positive

characteristic.

W: I am very direct, no matter to whom. I just say out what I am thinking. I

will not talk indirectly and cover my intention. I am not like that.

M: But are you (the husband) the same?

[830]H: I am more open-minded with some things. So I do not care so much.

Maybe she will not like to listen even I say it out.

M: But do you like her direct way of expressing things?

H: I like it. Normal men like this style. I think it is good that she expresses her

feelings if she is unhappy about something.

M: You feel it is very good. Many women do not express their feelings

because they want you to guess, which is very troublesome. She does

not.

H: This is no problem.

[835]M: She is relatively direct. In many aspects, the two of you should

cooperate with each other's living style…. Do you think there is

something that you need to improve in the aspect of

communication?

The mediator reframed their conflict from an intrapersonal to an

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interpersonal relational issue that was non-blaming as a “need to

improve in the aspect of communication”.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband wanted to please the wife by

offering to cook breakfast for her at six o’clock in the morning but the

wife did not want him to do so because she thought his parents would

hate her for making him do that.

The mediator reality-checked with the couple what would happen if they

moved to their own house:

M: It does not matter. In a month, you will have your own house, and you

can do whatever you want.

W: I think I will make great effort to enslave him when his parents are not

living with us.

H: To get a balance.

[805]M: That is good, too. Now, you are prepared to do many things, even

including preparing meals.

H: Yes. It is just sometimes, matters like time and energy prevent me from

doing so. Getting up early from time to time is ok for me. As for my

parents, I do not think they are going to hate her.

W: I say it as a metaphor. They may feel concerned and then they may not

verbally express their thoughts. For example, his father's expression

will be very unhappy if I let my husband get a glass of water.

H: She is overly concerned. The situation is not so.

The mediator created doubt that the situation might change when they

moved away from his parents’ house.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple had new awareness of their third

Aggregate when the mediator reframed their conflict as a mutual

concern in improving communication.

Episode 7 [837 – 870]

191

(a) The mediator facilitated the couple to come up with a better way of

communication. The husband was the first to offer solutions:

H: I do not think we have been together for long enough. The situation will be

better if something is fixed……In the past, she would not listen to me. She

would prefer to approach the problem through her own thinking

independently. She could not think out of the box.

M: Good. Do you (the wife) have any requirement? Do you think his proposal is

feasible?

W: There are many problems, which he can improve while he does not.

[855]M: You want him to improve something?

W: He will not.

M: I am not referring to what you want him to do. He hopes you would talk to

your mother and friends. Do you have any problem with this [proposal]?

W: I talked with my mother, who discussed with me about this situation many

times. What she said should be useful. I have accepted many of my

mother's suggestions.

M: But he is quite reassured about your conversation with males. What do you

think about it.?

[860]W: Well, then it depends whether he was telling the truth.

(b) The mediator had to facilitate the discussion between the parties by shifting

their intrapersonal blaming “she would not listen to me [852]” and “he will not

change” into a dialogue between the parties on interpersonal behavior that both

could work on. The mediator also used the technique of checking the parties

for their thinking thus clarifying their “I” statements from their attributes to

each other.

(c) The parties’ five aggregates were:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa - The husband was ready to work on their

communication pattern and voiced his concerns about the wife’s

behavior and thinking.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The parties’ exchange started to soften from

blaming each other to a more collaborative tone after the reframing of

the sanna on the trust issue.

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(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – He accepted the way that she was expressive of

what she was thinking and feeling. However, after she expressed

herself, she did not care about others’ response. Just because he was

more open-minded and did not have an opinion, she judged him to be

fake and hypocritical.

[836]H: She needs to think more comprehensively when she talks.

Sometimes she needs to welcome other people's explanation. She

cannot just say things out and does not care any more. She feels

that my explanation is a way to cover things. She thinks it is

faked. Actually, there is no fake thing in it. I think I am not

hypocritical. She should be open to my explanation, which will

change some of her ideas, such as what she just said. After my

explanation, she should think about it. It is good that she can tell

me the problems. She just needs my explanation or she will just

think through some things. She can consult others about those

matters, no matter her parents or friends. She can solve them,

not just talk about them.

M: Do you hope she will talk about those matters with you only or with

her friends and her mother?

H: It will be wonderful if she can agree with my opinions. But it is not

always the case. In many cases, she thinks I am not impartial or my

words are just chicanery. So, I want her to have a good listening of her

parents or schoolmates.

The husband accepted that the wife could talk to her male friends and

the mediator reframed this acceptance as trusting the wife and the wife

acknowledged that reframe:

W: What if I talk with male schoolmates?

H: I will not mind, either. Until now, those male schoolmates of yours I

have met are quite good. From my perspective, you can maintain the

limits on that matter.

M: You trust her.

[850]H: I have met many of her male schoolmates. No matter who liked

whom in the past, I am ok about it.

M: You have no problem about it, which is very good. You trust her. But

she is much younger than you, and so romantic. Do you mind?

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H: I do not think we have been together for long enough. The situation

will be better if something is fixed……In the past, she would not

listen to me. She would prefer to approach the problem through her

own thinking independently. She could not think out of the box.

M: Good. Do you (the wife) have any requirement? Do you think his

proposal is feasible?

The husband’s trust was reaffirmed by the wife’s positive statement

about her loyalty to the marriage. This in turn encouraged the

husband to be positive about accepting her requirements to him to

change for a better relationship:

M: What do you think? Do you think he should trust you?

W: I think he should. Because I am not that kind of person. I said I

would never betray him in my conduct. I said so.

M: (to husband) You hope her solutions will not be only confessed to

you… It is a good idea to learn from other people's experience.

H: Right. Not only to me.

[865]M: Are you willing to listen to her requests to you?

H: I am.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband would like her to listen to his

explanation and not be so one-sided in her opinion. He also hoped that

she would get more objective feedback from her mother and friends.

The wife reaffirmed that she had done what the husband requested:

W: I talked with my mother, who discussed with me about this situation

many times. What she said should be useful. I have accepted many of

my mother's suggestions.

The wife was positional about what she wanted from the husband in the

beginning but after the reframe of the “trust” issue, she became engaged

in the discussion:

W: My requirements to him...I think I raised many things, but he just did

not improve. I hope he can improve in the future.

M: What things?

[870]W: There are things that he can perfectly solve, but he does not

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manage to solve them.

M: To solve what? Can you be more specific?

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The parties came to new awareness of their

aggregates when the mediator reframed their sanna as a “trust” issue.

The parties’ tone was softened from blaming and resistant to a positive

engagement in a discussion on how to improve their communication.

Episode 8 [872 – 967]

(a) The wife began to tell her side of the story about the flirtation, the cold glare,

the rude words, the mockery and the pretence of her sister-in-law:

[872]W: The affairs between his elder brother's wife and me. He could have

solved that well. But he was afraid to offend his brother, so he dared not

to solve it. He could even let me bear those grievances and let the

problem continue to exist.

M: I do not know the situation. Can you make it clearer?

W: His elder brother's wife said something dirty to me. Those words offended

my ears. And she did something that she should not. Do you know what is

‘Diao Bang Zi?’

[875]M: No, I do not.

W: You should have. Its meaning is close to "flirtation".

M: Flirtation. With whom?

W: She did that right in front of me with him.

M: Who with whom?

[880]W: To anger me, she flirted with him. That was the case. I told it to

somebody else, and the audience thought it was unbelievable. They

never met such brother's wife before. Maybe she has a kind of

psychologically complex. I think I can comprehend part of the matter.

M: Why did she do that? And what is she getting out of this?

W: Maybe she considered more about economical issue. Like what Qian Zhongshu

wrote in his essay, a woman in her thirties would say that a 17 or 18 years old girl is

beautiful. But to a young woman in her twenties, the woman would never say kind

words to her.

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The husband’s refusal to believe what had happened had aggravated the

anxiety of the wife that the husband did not trust her:

H: It was not like what she said. Things became like this just in these years. I have a

little nephew who was born in early 1998. Besides, the financial situation of our family

has improved in the recent years. After all, there were more interaction between the

two families, and we become more intimate. My mother's relation with my brother

improves, too. Many years ago, when my brother was at middle school, the whole

family usually quarrelled for no reason. Later, the contacts become more frequent. I do

not think the situation is like what she described.

She was breaking down emotionally when they were confronting each other

about whether the wife was saying the truth.

W: Do you believe that she glared at me?

[915]H: I do not think so. My wife sometimes says that it happens.

W: You see it? I am just kidding.?! But your brother's wife really did so.

M: Why she would say those things? If it was not true, what were those words for?

W: Why do I need to say bad things about your brother's wife? It is not necessary.

H: Because my brother and his wife are very intimate with me, she sometimes called

my nick name, which was not good. And I told my brother about it. At the beginning, I

did not take it seriously. But after my wife told me, I talked it with my brother.

The mediator explored the feeling and thinking of the wife with the husband to

start the communication about this impasse. In order to engage the parties to

discuss this impasse, the mediator adopted the model for sustaining engagement

(Friedlander, Heatherington, Johnson, Skowrom, 1994) for this couple who had

shown passive disengagement from the husband on the issue of the sister-in-law.

(b) The wife wanted the husband to trust her and to believe her about what the

sister-in-law did. She was overwhelmed with emotions when the husband was

in total denial of her feelings “That is too subjective. Actually, it is not so

serious.[962]”. The mediator tried to empower the wife to express herself and

to have the husband acknowledge her feelings and thinking without judgment of

what had really happened [964]

(c) The parties’ five aggregates were:

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(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband had an elder brother and a

sister-in-law who had been with the family for over eight years and

they had a son in 1998. The brother did not grow up with the

husband but they were close and the families interacted more after the

nephew was born. During those family gatherings, the sister-in-law

called the husband his nickname. The wife saw that the sister-in-law

made glares and mocking remarks at her when they were alone. The

wife told the husband what she saw but he refused to believe her.

Since the wife’s complaints, the husband had talked with his brother

who told his wife not to call him by his nickname. The husband had

refused to meet the brother and his family during the spring festival to

avoid contact.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was very hurt and sad that the

husband did not believe her. The husband was frustrated that the wife

insisted on his belief and felt trapped in the middle between the wife

and his sister-in-law:

H: Anyhow, we plan to cut down the contacts since my wife brings this

issue up, including Spring Festival.

[930]M: But is there any influence on you (the husband), since you and

your brother’s family do not contact any more?

W: I care very much what he thinks in his mind.

H: I am stuck in the middle, which is hard to handle. On one hand, my

relation with my brother is very good. My brother is very mature, and

he always protects my rights. Though we did not grow together from

little age, he is very good to me. My parents tended to love me more

since we were young, but our relation is very good. Besides, he is a

good fellow in many aspects. I am very intimate with his family, even

after the birth of his baby. Considering his life, he is very happy. I am

stuck and this matter is hard to handle.

W: Did you want to believe what I said?

H: It is like I am stuck in the middle of her influence and my mother's

influence, which is very harsh for me. She said so, and I tried my best

to avoid their contacts. For example, my father wanted to have dinner

with us on Spring Festival. Right now, we can only cancel that plan.

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[935]M: You feel it is quite uneasy for you. You cannot handle this side, and

you cannot take care of that, either. Am I right?

H: Right. It may be usual in Chinese family.

W: It is usual for [spouse and] parents, but relatively less for brother and his

wife.

M: It is more usual for parents. But I think you have not answered her

questions. Why don’t you believe her words about your brother's wife?

W: He trusts her, not me.

The mediator intervened to reframe the belief and trust issue to respect

of the wife’s feelings. “ Maybe her perception is not a fact. Right?

Sometimes something happens, but the fact is different from the feelings

and thoughts of a person. Maybe it is even different from his, either. But

you have to respect her feelings, right? This is her feelings.[964]”.

The wife eventually broken down and cried bitterly when the husband

persisted in denying her feelings.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought the husband did not trust nor

believe in her [943]. The mediator initially reframed their conflict

over the sister-in-law as an issue of trust between the couple. “ If you

trust her, you have to deal with many extended problems, which need your

attention to solve. But to her, it really matters whether you trust her or not.

It is not about right or wrong for anybody. It is not about judgment for

this matter [949]”. The husband thought the wife was over-sensitive and he would not

believe her because he refused to think that his brother and his wife were

bad people and that his parents were hostile to the wife [958].

M: Yes. He thinks if you make him believe, it means you want him to

believe those negative things about his parents.

[955]W: No, I do not mean that. I think, if he does not believe, it seems to

mean that I am slandering other people.

H: It is not like that.

M: You do not want her to think like that.

H: I do not want her to consider my parents are hostile to her, just because

she asks me to bring her some water.

M: She does not want you to think that.

[960]W: I see it, but you cannot.

M: She does not want you to think that of her.

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H: That is too subjective. Actually, it is not so serious.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife wanted the husband to believe her.

The husband wanted the wife to be part of the extended family and accept

the fact that she was there only for two years whereas his sister-in-law

had been integrated with his family for eight years:

W: I told it to him many times. And I told him no less than 3 times. He just

would not do anything.

H: It is not a matter about believing it or not. Basically, what she said was

not without fault. The flirtation matter like this, like my wife said, is

something you never heard of before. It will not happen in any family,

no matter how open-minded that family is. Besides, my family is very

traditional. Maybe it is just her (the wife) mental feelings.

W: But it was true that she shot cold glare at me.

H: However, from a man's perspective, it was not the truth.

[905]M: He does not believe what you felt. You told him, but he would not

believe. You are not in the family for long.

W: Not very long.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple were exploring their five

aggregates as above. The wife experienced a big shift in her vedana as

the mediator explored the issue of trust and reframed it as a validation

of her feelings which the husband persistently refused to acknowledge.

[965]W: But this is true. Is it possible that someone glares at you but you fail

to see it? Is it possible that someone says some dirty words to you but

you fail to hear it?

M: Yes, some words were said. This was the fact. Do you hope that he will

believe that this was the truth?

W: (Crying).

Episode 9 [968 – 1030]

(a) The couple was exchanging their views on the issue of jealousy between the

sister-in-law and the wife as outsiders married into the husband’s family. The

mediator reframed that the conflict was between two systems within the family.

The husband became angry in expressing his discontentment with his wife’s

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over- reaction and jealousy [1030]:

W: His brother's wife indeed said vicious things to me. Do you believe it?

H: That was far from vicious.

W: But she indeed glared at me. And I heard what she said.

[1030]H: Sometimes, you said I glared at you.

The wife was also frustrated with her husband rejecting her stance. She was

not validated by the husband and left the room in an emotional outburst.

(b) The couple was exploring what the sister-in-law did to the wife and the husband

that had made the wife really mad. The couple was having a direct dialogue

directly and exchanged their views heatedly. The mediator intervened many

times to reframe their conflict as a normal situation when the women in the

family became jealous of each other and wanted to take over the role of the

other. The conflict was more common between the daughter-in-law and the

mother-in-law but less common between two sisters-in-law but perfectly

understandable in this case where the wife was a newcomer who threatened the

sister-in-law in her role within the family system. The husband noted that the

wife was inappropriate in getting too close to the son of his sister-in-law [997

-1002]:

H: My wife made that kid call her mother. Was she serious?

W: That kid wanted everything.

M; What?

[1000]W: Then he (kid) would want to play with me all the time. He even wanted

to live in my family. If I said no, he would cry. My husband said it

would make his brother's wife unhappy. Because it seemed that I had

taken his son away. But I did not think the traditional Chinese women

would think so. To a traditional Chinese woman, if any female relative

treated her kid very good, she should be happy. If my auntie was good

to me, my mother would be very happy. No matter how good my auntie

was, my mother would not think that my auntie wanted to take me

away from her. If his brother's wife thought so, it meant that she was a

very narrow-minded person.

M: But you know it is very difficult to understand the true intention of a woman,

especially a kid's mother.

W: Many times I found that she did not want me to be the focus of everyone.

200

Once upon a time, I went to his grandmother's home with her. She was very

familiar with the brother in his grandmother's family. We went there together.

I did not like talking much, because I was not very familiar with them. Once

I had a little chat with his brother, then she stopped talking instantly and

showed some very uncomfortable expressions. She was very afraid that I

might become the center of people's conversation. He showed his kindness in

persuading me into eating good food when we were eating at the meal, then

she quickly got jealous by calling him in his nick name. That was it.

(c) The couple explored their five aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband illustrated some facts that showed

how the wife was extremely sensitive and would do things

inappropriately. The wife was very friendly with the nephew and asked

him to call her mother. The wife would beat the husband when he was

driving. She did that when the husband said that his classmate’s bride

was beautiful:

H: I think she views things differently from other people. For example, I

said the new bride was very beautiful at my schoolmate's wedding, then

she got unhappy.

W: That was woman's jealousy, which you should understand.

H: She hit me when I was driving, which was very offensive and

inappropriate.

The husband had talked to his brother a few times about his wife who

stopped calling him his nickname. The wife still said that the

sister-in-law was rude to her to make her angry.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was crying and being hysterical when

she confronted the husband on the issue of believing that the sister-in-law

had done to her. The husband was resisting her confrontations

vehemently, rebutting her remarks stubbornly and shouting back at her

his sharp replies. He was particularly angry about her hitting him when

he was driving.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought the husband was against her if

he did not stand by her. She thought that she was not creating

disturbance within his family. The husband thought the wife was

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over-reacting to the response of the sister-in-law. He thought that the

wife was inappropriate in handling her relationship with the sister-in-law

and most other relationships.

(The mediator reframed the jealousy of the two women as conflict within

family systems. M: But do you understand that your brother's wife is a

woman? Right? She (the wife)is a woman too. From the very beginning, the

relation between one woman and another is very special, which you probably

do not know. And maybe you should not be in the middle of it. This is what you

agree. )

The husband was aware of the dynamics between the two women when

the mediator pointed it out to him. “Many factors could be taken into

consideration. Maybe I did not know much about women's logic [1009].”

(The mediator successfully created doubt about his perception that the

wife was just over-reacting or being over-sensitive.)

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife was jealous of the husband’s

relationship with his sister-in-law and of his other relationships with

females. The wife was aware of the sister-in-law’s jealousy when she

became the centre of the family after she was married to the husband.

Even the sister-in-law’s role as a mother was threatened by the wife.

The wife cared about what the husband thought of her and would not

want him to think that she was a slanderer and deliberately stirred things

up in his family.

M: You felt hurt because he did not believe what you said, and he believed

his family. Right?

[980]W: Yes.

H: She said my brother's wife had many faces and personalities.

W: She really did.

M: But you know, he thought if he believed what you said, it would be very

dangerous. It would be a signal to oppose his family, right? Betrayal.

W: But I think he should have believed me.

[985]M: Why should he believe you?

W: If he did not believe me, it was serious betrayal to me. It meant that he

thought I was slandering.

M: That is very serious.

W: I created disturbance.

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M: Especially you were a new wife.

[990]W: Yes. Seriously speaking, it was slander.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple was reflecting on their respective

experiences of this issue of trust and belief. They became aware of the

dynamics of the systems within the husband’s family with the introduction

of the wife when they got married. The mediator reframed the issue of

trust and belief to an issue of integration of a new member (the wife) into

an existing family system.

The reframe of the sanna of the parties was to bring a new awareness to

the parties that:

- The issue of the sister-in-law was a mutual problem that caused

suffering for the couple; since their marriage, the wife was the

newcomer who needed to be accepted by the husband’s family and the

husband was caught in the middle of the family dynamics of two

sisters-in-law.

- The focus of the problem was on the interaction or interpersonal

relationship of the couple with the sister-in-law and the extended family

of the husband and not intrapersonal blame of oversensitivity of the

wife or the insensitivity of the husband to her plight. The focus was

on the problem and not the people so that it was not connected with the

individual within the parties. They were encouraged to look beyond

their selfish thoughts.

- The problem could be solved as it was normalized and change was

possible.

Episode 10 [1032 – 1104]:

(a) The mediator intervened by self-disclosure of personal experience as an

outsider who married into her husband’s family. According to research on

emotional -focused therapy (Greenberg, 1993) intimate self-disclosure was

positive by both couple and therapist and enhanced deeper emotional

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experience and more disclosure from the couple who would become more

supportive, affirming and understanding as well as less hostile to each other.

The wife and the husband were disclosing more of their feelings and thoughts

about their relationship with the sister-in-law:

“From my knowledge, I think he is upright. I am not so sure about her personality,

but that does not mean she is a bad person. [1081]”, “This does not mean your brother's wife is bad. Is everyone who hates me bad

person? No. Is everyone who has hatred to me bad person? No. But she did that

to me. Do you believe it?[1088]”.

(b) The couple continued their discussion about the issue of the sister-in-law and

instead of whether the husband believed the wife, the mediator reframed their

conflict to a matter of support between the couple. “The second thing is the

support between you two as a couple. Isn't it? The support is very important.

Someone else may also be very important, but you should first trust your wife and

support her. Is that right?”

(c) The mediator explored further the five aggregates of the couple:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The background and role of the sister-in-law was

brought up. The sister-in-law was the youngest in her family and was

dating his brother when she was only 19 and they married when she was

about 23. Now she was 32. The mother-in-law was initially not

happy with his brother and his wife dating so young initially but later

accepted her. She was not accepted when she first married into the

husband’s family.

[1050]H: My brother grew up in the village, together with my

grandparents. I was with my parents. He came back to the family

until he was nine. Besides, he did not like to follow my parents’

instructions and orders.

W: And his mother seems to be discontent with his brother's wife in some

aspects. Maybe she thinks his brother's wife stepped into love affairs

too early. His mother is very traditional. At that time, his mother did

not agree his brother's love relation with his lover. His mother said his

brother's wife was too young at that time.

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M: Ah, I know more. This woman has her own problems in this family.

Liu Dan: She is not accepted.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was still emotionally upset that the

husband did not believe in her. The husband was still stubbornly

resisting her confrontation.

[1100]H: Like in my schoolmates' party, she thought that I like someone else?

W: But I did not do it to your brother's wife.

H: She might glare at you.

W: And she said those vicious things.

M: But the different problem is the problem of support. You can try to think

about it now. Right now...now think of the most important problem for you

(to wife).

The mediator had to reframe again their conflict as a support between

them to neutralize their confrontation.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna –The husband considered his brother an upright

person and did not think that his sister-in-law was a bad person. The

wife did not think that whoever disliked her was a bad person.

W: This does not mean your brother's wife is bad. Is everyone who hates me

bad person? No. Is everyone who has hatred to me bad person? No.

But she did that to me. Do you believe it?

M: It is a matter about two-side-confession.

[1090]W: It is like this: do you believe she treats me so?

M: Is it difficult to believe it?

H: It is not like that. Take this glare thing for example, maybe I glared at

her. Maybe my brother's wife indeed glared at my wife. And maybe his

wife indeed said something bad to my wife. But this fact reflects that her

personality is not good.

W: I did not mean that. I never say that.

Having explored the roles of the wife and the sister-in-law as outsiders

into the husbands’ family, the mediator reframed the issue as problem of

support between husband and wife. M: The support is very important.

Someone else may also be very important, but you should first trust your wife

and support her. Is that right?

W: Right.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband wanted to be objective in his

handling of this complaint and he would talk to his brother and even his

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wife if necessary when he saw evidence of what had happened. After all,

he had known them longer than the wife. The wife wanted the husband

to believe her words as a matter of principle when she said that she would

not have an affair with another man. The husband’s solution to the

problem was not to contact his brother and his sister-in-law.

M: His brother's wife may have some problems with your parents-in-law and

her son. She feels that her son does not like her. This is very strange

psychologically for a woman. But I do not expect that it can affect you so

much.

H: If she is not happy, we will not contact each other.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple shifted into new awareness of their

above aggregates when the issue was reframed from whether the husband

believed the wife to “how they could support each other in their

relationship.”

Episode 11 [1105 – 1210]

(a) The mediator explored deeper the meaning of the issue with the sister-in-law.

The mediator interpreted what the wife said about her great changes since her

marriage [1194]:

W: I think my changes are great, both inner changes and outside changes. The

changes are great. Why are there so great changes in so short period? I do not

know whether he thinks why I change so greatly?

Her complaint was whether he loved her:

[1196]W: Because he thought I was telling lies. He thought I was cheating him. I

was deceiving him for his relation with his brother's wife. He always

thinks so.

M: But he did not know these were the most important to you. It is not just

about believing you or not. Actually, it is about loving you or not. His

behaviour makes you think that he does not love you.

W: Yes. I do not know whether he loves me.

In response to the wife’s outburst in [1202], the mediator attempted many

206

times during the process to interpret what the wife meant:

W: Maybe another woman will give you the feeling, while I cannot. Perhaps I

am not so wonderful. Perhaps I cannot give you the passion.

M: Will it be valid to say that, you want your husband to support you without

any reason, which is his basic way to show his love? [1203].

Again in [1206], the wife was expressing how the husband should stand by

his mother even if she was wrong, The mediator further interpreted that “So

you say he is right in loving his parents. And he should love you [1207]”. The

wife was given the opportunity to explain more about what she meant

[1208]:

W: I do not want him to be a person without any sense of right or wrong. In his

mind, he can have that sense. But in behavior, he must support his beloved

ones. If your mother is wrong, can you really fight against her? If you say bad

things about your mother, is that right? I do not think you are that kind of

person. If you are not that kind of person, then I will not love you and marry

you. I will be disgusted by you. Are you this kind of person?

M: So you say he is right in loving his parents. And he should love you.

W: But I am your lover, you should love me. You can have the sense of right or

wrong when you love me. You may think your brother's wife is right. But when

that thing happens, you should be clear where you will stand. If you know I

am 100% wrong about this matter, you should support me. When other people

attack me, you will not join them. You will support me. Even if I was wrong.

(b) By interpreting what the wife was saying, the mediator successfully

co-constructed the issue of the sister-in-law as an issue of love and support

between the couple.

[1105]W: Say, he did something wrong outside. And I knew it was wrong.

M: Would you support him?

W: I would support him when someone attacked him.

M: Yes, this is what I want to say. The issue is the support between the husband

and the wife. The support is about whether he believes you.

W: If I clearly know that you are wrong about it and other people are right. But if

other people attack him, no matter they are his parents or his brother and his

wife, I will protect him. Even they are my parents or my brother. I will surely

protect him. That is it.

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[1110]M: And you hope he does the same thing to you.

W: Right.

M: This is her requirement.

H: Maybe man is different from woman.

M: It is not just different between man and woman. The requirements are

different among the couples. This is very simple. Her requirement to you is

your support. And she will return her support…. To you, you never think about

it, right?

[1115]H: I think we should stand on a fair angle. We should concentrate on the

fact.

According to Irving (2002), he observed that for Chinese couples, due to their

language limitation and therefore lack of a vocabulary of feelings, they might

not be able to express their frustration and anger or describe episodes of conflict.

In such circumstances, the mediator might need to make an effort to understand

and interpret by saying, “I think what you’re trying to say is…” (p. 87):

When the mediator has captured their thoughts or feelings, clients who are grateful for

the release and satisfied at being heard will often show a leap of recognition (“Yes!

That’s it!”). The wife was satisfied with what the mediator interpreted as “the

husband did not love her enough to believe or trust her regardless of whether she

was right or wrong.” The mediator was adopting what the TFM model had

endorsed as appropriate practice for Chinese families.

Deep insight was gained from the wife and the husband as the mediator

interpreted what the parties were saying about the changes that had happened to

each other:

M: So I know more about why you said that day that he changed. He is not

romantic. He does not love you. Your words make me understand more why

you think so. Do you understand (to husband)?

[1170]H: I understand more.

M: But you did not know what was important and you did not know her thought.

What is most heart-broken is the fact that you lay your happiness on her. She is

very traditional.

W: So I think I am married to the wrong person. Until now, I think I get the wrong

208

man. I do not think he can protect me.

M: But you did not feel that was so serious, did you (to husband)?

(c) The mediator explored their five aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The couple was exchanging their views on support

and love for each other and what they expected the other to do in order

to feel loved:

W: He always thinks love is displayed in material things. I think this is just

one aspect. But that is not all. Sentimental problem is more important

than material things.

M: You understand from your parents' relationship that love is very

important. Love is support.

[1180]W: My parents can take care about the material supply of my life.

But since you are my lover, why should I live with a stranger

without any reason?

M: Yours are a special relationship.

The wife’s father would support his wife and would protect his wife

against his sister:

Though my mother sometimes complains my father's sister to my father,

my father will not admit it publicly. But if someone attacks my mother, my

father will make his standing known and protect her. She is my wife. Do

not be so offensive. She is my wife. And I am on her side. Do not be too

offensive, even though you are my brothers or sisters. I think my father

will do it. I think any man who loves a woman will do the same thing. On

the contrary, a woman who loves a man will do the same. Is not that right?

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was sad that the husband did not

believe in her:

[1140]W: Basically saying, I think it is not right to say that he does not love

me. But I do not feel that I am so important to him. If he

considers me to be very important, he will trust me anyway.

When his brother's wife says any vicious words to me or makes

any hostile movements to me, he should face-to-face respond to

her, no matter directly or indirectly….You should let her known

you are on my side. You do not need to be intense. But he did not

do any thing.

M: So you were angry.

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W: It meant I was not important to him.

M: You were furious because he did not believe you.

W: I am not important to him, which means other people are more

important to him. At least his parents are more important. His brother

and his brother's wife are more important than me. Isn’t that right?

The wife was also showing signs of despair about the husband not loving

her enough and complained that he might behave differently with

another woman:

W: Yes. I do not know whether he loves me.

M: You think he does not love you.

[1200]W: Yes. At least he does not love me so much.

M: This is very important.

W: I do not know if he will treat her the same way if he marries another

woman. Maybe he will treat her better. Maybe you will treat her

better if she looks pretty, like Zhao Wei. Maybe you will treat her

better if she is much easier to deal with. Maybe you will believe what

she says. Maybe you will fight back when your brother's wife gets

harsh to her. You may even shout at your brother's wife. Maybe

another woman will give you the feeling, while I cannot. Because I am

not so wonderful. Because I cannot give you the passion.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – By not believing in her, the wife recognized that

the husband thought that she was less important than his family

members. She thought that one would protect whoever one loved.

Therefore, she came to the conclusion that he did not love her.

W: This matter is very significant. This matter is the turning point of all

things. All the problems are from the matter of his brother's wife. If it

was about his parents, I could understand. But it was about his

brother's wife. I could not think that through. The only explanation is

that he thinks she is more important than me. Anyone from your

family is more important than me. And I am the least important one.

You do not care what I think, then I will wonder if you did not marry

me, would you treat your wife like me? There might be difference.

Maybe you will love her more than me, and you will protect her from

your brother's wife. Is not that reasonable?

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife needed the husband to support her

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even if she was wrong even though he might have a sense of right or

wrong in his mind. The wife would support the husband even if he was

wrong and protect him if he was attacked by others.

The mediator highlighted that this was different from what the wife had

set out as a priority in the last session [1145]. This created doubt

about the fixed belief and thinking in the 3rd and 4th Aggregates of the

parties.

The wife wanted the husband to make the sister-in-law aware of how

important the wife was to him: “If you clearly made your stance known

and stood on my side, she would know I was very important to you and she

would not dare to treat me like that [1148].” The mediator challenged the wife about whether the husband could do

what she expected of him:

M: You know him better than I. You know his personality. Is he a person

who will say these words?

[1150]W: What words?

M: The words that you wanted him to say.

W: If this matter was not about me, but his mother, he would.

M: You think he would.

W: Absolutely. If he knows that his mother is wrong, he will protect her if

anyone dares to attack her. It is without doubt. It is absolute. Why will

not he do that to me? It means I am not important.

[1155]M: So you...

W: It meant I was not important. It meant his brother's wife was more

important than me. He did not want her to be unhappy. He would prefer

to sacrifice me. That was the case.

M: Did you tell him that?

W: I did.

M: Did he do anything.

[1160]W: He said I think too much. Your opinions about others were wrong, so

your opinion about my brother's wife was wrong, too. That was it.

M: What did you think?

W: I thought he did not love me.

M: You thought he changed a lot. Now I know more about your marriage life

in the past one year. Many important things happened.

W: If he did something, I am sure I will not feel uncomfortable and hurt. I will

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have no problem in many things.

[1165]M: Because of his behavior, you think he does not love you. So you

think he changes.

W: You say you love me. But how do you show you love?

M: There is no action to prove that love.

W: Yes. Everyone can say sweet words. I can say more beautiful words.

That is it. You need to do something.

M: So I know more about why you said that day that he changed. He is not

romantic. He does not love you. Your words make me understand more

why you think so. Do you understand (to husband)?

A turning point occurred after the wife clarified that what she actually wanted

from the husband was just some action from his part to protect her from her

sister-in-law. The husband responded with a sign of insight and the mediator

further continued to explore the wife’s thoughts and feeling so that the husband could

understand more from her perspective:

[1170]H: I understand more.

M: But you did not know what was important and you did not know her thought. What is

most heart-broken is the fact that you lay your happiness on her. She is very

traditional.

W: So I think I am married to the wrong person. Until now, I think I get the wrong man. I

do not think he can protect me.

M: But you did not feel that was so serious, did you (to husband)?

The mediator reframed that what the wife wanted from the husband was his

action to show his love and support to her as a wife and not just a referee:

M: To you, the special thing about couple relationship is that you must support her

without any reason.

W: I think couple's love is different from all the other loves.

[1185]M: Support him without any reason. Stand on his side.

W: Right. That is important.

M: Are you clear (to husband)?

W: He just says that he needs to be fair and objective. So he does not comment on

anything that he does not know.

M: So you hope he is your husband, not a referee.

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(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife was expressing her thoughts and

feelings to the husband who was listening to the information for the first

time. There was new awareness from the husband by his softened tone

when he heard what the wife was experiencing in terms of feeling and

thinking.

Episode 12 [1211 – 1266]

(a) They talked about their past experiences and drew out what was important to

them. The mediator used a hypothetical situation, that if the husband did

what the wife wanted and showed his love to her the way she wanted, then the

problem would be solved:

W: I will not be suspicious any more. I will not wonder whether he does not love

me. I will not wonder whether the situation is different if he marries another

woman. I will not think so. H: If she thinks so, I will be relieved [1253].

(b) They negotiated and reality-checked with each other whether the other’s

perspectives and requests were appropriate based on what really had

happened or would happen by projecting from past [1264] W: Right. You had a

girlfriend in the past. I always feel that he likes his ex-girlfriend more. He does

not like me so much. We are together just because we have experienced more

time. I think there was a period when he was very good to me. I did not quarrel

with you for a long time after that quarrel. Is not that right? We did not

quarrel until that time. That was because I was not sure whether you love me.

About the future[1245 -1250]:

[1245]W: I do not care how you will do it. But you should let her know I am the

most important to you. Your wife is the most important to you.

Besides your wife, nobody else is more important to you.

M: He has shown it.

W: He has not.

M: If he has done so...

W: Then I will be cleared of all doubts.

[1250]M: There will be no more problems.

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(c) The parties developed their aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband remembered that many things had

occurred before the incident of the sister-in-law. There were many

incidents that the wife had doubted and accused the husband of such as

talking to the ex-girlfriend.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The couple’s exchanges had softened when the

mediator asked the parties to imagine that their problem was solved.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband recognized the wife’s reasoning on

the issue of support. H: There are some things that I did not think much. I

have to have a thought about what she said. Really, from her angle, many

things of her are reasonable. The husband thought that the wife would not stand up for him if he was

wrong. H: I did not think that she would support me if I was wrong.

He thought the wife would be over-sensitive and over react if she was

angry. He still did not believe that the sister-in-law glared at her

viciously and thought that the wife had exaggerated point:

[1195]H: This was after we got married. We were married in October the

year before. There were other things that we quarreled about.

Those things affected my opinion about her on these things. And

there were other things that she obviously blamed me for wrong

reasons. Maybe she had some negative feelings about my parents.

Then later, the issue about my brother's wife happened. All these

might lead to the following idea that she might be too biased.

M: It is unfair to her.

H: She might be too biased. Because those things were not about my

brother's wife, they included the things before we were married.

W: I think no matter how wrongly you misunderstood me, you should

believe that your brother's wife glared at me and said vicious words to

me. You should believe it. I would not make up fairy tale about it. I did

not need to fake anything that I really saw. Do you think I am a

trouble-maker?

H: I do not think you were fabricating stories. I was just thinking that you

exaggerated the fact.

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The mediator intervened by creating doubt about whether they should

continue with this thinking and what the result would be if the husband

continued to distrust the wife:

M: You are still arguing whether your brother's wife glared at her or not,

which is not a good solution. Is not that right? You do not need to

argue with her. What is the result of arguing with her?

[1205]H: There is no result when she is angry.

M: Is that so? You do not believe her? Why do you argue with her? What

is your goal?

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband wanted the wife to be reasonable

and dropped the matter regarding the sister-in-law. The wife wanted

the husband to understand her need to be loved by him: “I do not care

how you will do it. But you should let her know I am the most important to

you. Your wife is the most important to you. Besides your wife, nobody else

is more important to you. [1425]”. (v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple exchanged deeply what they

thought and felt. They were exploring what would happen if they

resolved their problem. The mediator was facilitating them to let go of

their obsessive positions (eight, ninth and tenth links) for a moment to

project to the future with a new picture and a new awareness of feeling

and observation (third to seventh links).

Episode 13 [1267 – 1130]

(a) By locating the husband’s position on the traditional-modern continuum, the

mediator reframed the husband’s dilemma as the importance to save the

marriage with his wife in order to sustain the relationship with extended family:

“ You need to keep the marriage relationship...then you can keep your relationship

with your parents.[1327]”. The husband was traditional although he would be

prepared to do more housework than the wife. He would want to protect his

extended family more than he would protect his wife as he was concerned that if

he gave in to the wife, the wife would be more unreasonable to his family [1296].

H: I think if I say so, she may raise more unbearable requirement to my family. For

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example, she may ask me to break off with my brother and his wife.

(b) The mediator used the separate meeting with the husband to prepare him for

settlement with the wife. The mediator reality-checked with him what benefit

or harm would occur if he did what the wife wanted. The mediator was very

directive[1295] [1295]M: But I think, today, it is not about your parents or your

brother's wife. It is about you and your wife. You just need to say yes and trust her.

Is that a problem for you?

and coached the husband in what to say to the wife but this was in line with the

practice of TFM model (Irving, 2002, p. 84). Since the husband was a

traditional Chinese husband who wanted to preserve his relationship with his

extended family more than his wife, the mediator reality-checked with him

whether it would be in his best interest to have a co-operative wife so that he

could continue to have a good relationship with his parents. The mediator

performed the role of the expert and psycho-educator [1305].

[1305]M: My tutor's research shows that many husbands in Chinese families do not

know what to do. As they handle things badly, they screw up everything. If

you support your parents, your marriage will not be good. If your marriage

is maintained, you will have the opportunities to fix your relation with the

parents. If your marriage is bad, you will have problem in dealing with your

parents. Right? When your meet them, you will not feel comfortable. Right?

So you need to keep that marriage. She does not ask you to drop your love

to your parents. She says it is understandable that you support your mother.

And she is ok with it. But she will be angry if you support your brother's

wife. ..

(c) The mediator explored with the husband his five aggregates:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband and wife were negotiating a

settlement on how to improve on communication. The outcome of the

discussion was that the wife told him that what she wanted from him was

to say that he believed in her words regarding what the sister-in-law did

to her. She also told him how much she needed him to do this in order

to show that he loved her. If she was reassured that he loved her, all

the rest of her complaints would be resolved.

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(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband was anxious about what the wife

would do to him such as beating him. He was concerned that she

would be even more emotional and would act more extreme after this

session.

[1280]H: I have no idea. Sometimes, I can just grab her hands tightly. I

cannot beat her. I tell myself I will never beat her…..She cannot

control her emotion. She is too easily excited.

M: Why? I asked you whether it was very difficult to say this. She said you

just needed to say ‘I trust you’. She just said it. It is very important to

her.

H: I understand its significance.

The mediator reframed the wife’s emotions to how hard she felt in

joining the extended family as an outsider:

M: Today's conversation is good. Right? You think she has said many

feelings from the bottom of her heart. I get to know her more.

H: She is very emotional.

M: From a woman's perspective, I think that is because she has just joined

your family. Your relations with the family members are very close. To her,

it is difficult for her to get in.

[1320]H: Anyhow, this...

M: It is the same with many people.

H: ...

M: I think she is very logical and she has the reason to be unhappy. Right?

Do you understand the reason why she is unhappy? Is that very serious?

H: Today, she let me know how to solve the problem of my brother's wife.

[1325]M: Do you want to treat her in some new ways?

H: This is ok.

M: You need to keep the marriage relationship...then you can keep your

relationship with your parents.

H: At least I know how to do it.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The husband thought that if he gave in to the wife,

he would be forced to sever his relationship with his parents.

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H: I think she hopes that I do not have parents, brothers and sisters. She

hopes I am alone. And she hopes me to quit smoking and drinking

alcohol. The issue of my brother's wife is just part of the whole

problem. I am stuck between her and my parents, which is not easy.

[1295]M: But I think, today, it is not about your parents or your brother's

wife. It is about you and your wife. You just need to say yes and

trust her. Is that a problem for you?

The mediator reframed the situation as a couple’s relationship issue: Good

suggestions come from my tutor who always asks the husband to support the wife. Only

when your wife cooperates with you, can you have a good relation with your extended

family and a good life. You will not have a happy life if she refuses to cooperate with you.

Right? It is very important. Your way in the past is not working. Can you try some new

ways?

…The consequence of your not believing her is that she does not think you love her. And

she does not think her marriage with you is a good idea. Is that right? This is very serious.

The consequence is very serious. In appearance, you must support her. Yes. You

think...Reasons. Let's face the outside problems together. It does not matter whether you

know the real right or wrong in your mind. The most important thing is to support her. The

relation can be improved. If it is not good right now, it can be fixed in the future. If you

support her from now on, things may improve.

Firstly, the mediator normalized the husband’s dilemma. Secondly, the

mediator created doubt with the husband that insisting on his position would not be

in his best interest which was to protect his relationship with his extended family.

Thirdly, the mediator reality-checked with him that he did not have a good

relationship with his extended family because he would not be in contact with his

brother’s family in any event. Fourthly, the mediator balanced the risk of

accommodating his wife’s needs would mean in the worse case scenario damaging

the relationship with his sister-in-law and not his parents. Relationships with his

parents could be improved upon in future only if he could keep his marriage with his

wife.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband wanted to resist the wife’s

demands because he wanted to protect his relationship with his extended

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family. After the mediator reframed the sanna as above, the mediator

created further doubt about his obsession that he would not give in to

her and that she would not change her attitude:

M: She cannot change herself? Anyhow, you just need to maintain your

marriage. Today's progress is not so bad. She said that she would not

divorce. She considered it to be important. On the other day, her attitude

was very ambivalent. Right? I think today her attitude is better. Do you

know the reason?

H: I treat her well these days.

M: Really? She is improving herself, too. At least, she considers the

marriage to be important. The other day I thought she did not have

this sense.

The fact that the wife changed her attitude when the husband changed

his was confirmed so that the husband would be more open to options in

resolving their conflict.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The husband had a new awareness of his

aggregates as the mediator reframed his concerns about the wife. The

husband was ready to resolve his conflict with his wife in the joint

meeting. The husband had a new experience of feeling and a vision of

what would happen if he accommodated to her needs i.e. reversed eighth

to tenth links (craving, clinging and becoming) and then a new set of

reversed 3rd to seventh links (sensation, contact, six-sense doors, mind

and matter and consciousness).


NEED?




12th link: old age and death (jarama)

219

(a) In the process of change, Stage 3 was to help the parties decide the options or

action plan.

(b) In the mediation process, the last stage was to facilitate the parties to negotiate

and decide the final solutions that were acceptable to both parties. The

mediator would assist in generating options and might use separate meetings

with the parties to reality-check what solutions were most suitable.

(c) In the BM Model, the mediator had been concerned with the paraphrase of the

previous process under the “past” and “present” temporal division of the

twelve links by using the Five ARM. Again in Stage 3, the parties’ five

aggregates would be explored and the fourth Aggregate would be reframed to

reverse the active karmic process so that a more constructive or positive

outcome of reality would be experienced. The final stage of the process was to

repeat with the parties again what had happened under the 12th link and to

reverse the process to 11th link, that is, from Death to Rebirth.

Episode 1

(a) The joint session began with the mediator suggesting a direct dialogue between

the couples by asking the husband to console the wife [1333 -1335]:

M: Today, I have known much more new information. I understand a woman's

mood. It is much easier. The matter has been buried in your heart for a long

time (to wife). Right? Do you understand that what she says today is very

important?

H: Yes, I do.

[1335]M: I want to see how you will comfort her. I am no intimate friend of yours.

And I really do not know how to comfort her.

The wife took the opportunity to express her desperation for love: “I feel that I

am desperate about love. I have said that if someday I am tolerant to everything, it

means that I am desperate to everything. Because now I still feel there is hope, so I

speak it out [1336]”.

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The wife also expressed what she thought and her needs: “Why can’t my closest

mate do the same thing my teacher does for me? So I don’t think he loves me so

much. He says he loves me. But words are not enough for love… I think love needs

action more than words. [1339]”.

According to the research on the successful cases of emotional-focused therapy,

Johnson and Greenberg (1988) observed that the domineering and/or blaming spouse

would at a later stage of the therapy session demonstrate some signs of “softening"

by showing his or her vulnerability and seeking closeness or comfort from the other

spouse who would have been disengaged or distant until that point in the therapy.

In this case the process of change had been successful in bringing out the therapeutic

change needed for the couples to engage with each other emotionally and respond to

each other’s needs. In this late stage of the mediation session, the wife had

demonstrated her vulnerability and desperation for love from the husband who had

until this point been resistant to her needs.

(b) The mediator brought the parties together for the final joint session,having

prepared both parties to negotiate directly in order to improve on their

communication pattern. The mediator facilitated the husband to console the

wife. The wife was ready to express her feelings, thoughts and needs which the

husband was ready to hear.

(c) The mediator explored the five aggregates of the parties when they resumed the

joint meeting:

(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The wife had declared to the husband what she

wanted and why she wanted this and how she wanted the husband to

behave in order to show that he loved her. In the separate meeting, the

husband had been prepared by the mediator to resolve the conflict with

the wife. The mediator facilitated the wife to express what was on her

mind.

W: Many other girls at my age are still not married. They are still dating

boyfriends and enjoying the romantic love. I feel that I am desperate

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about love. I have said that if someday I am tolerant to everything, it

means that I am desperate to everything. Because now I still feel there

is hope, so I speak it out. Once I stop talking, it will mean there is no

hope. So I feel some writers are right. They say that absolute kindness

equals to desperation. This saying made me think a lot when I saw it

the other day. It is true that when a person is tolerant to everything,

people will describe him with adjectives like ‘noble’ or other words.

But I think he just shows his desperation. I feel that people of my age

should not be desperate but I am desperate to many things now. So I

feel it is so unfair to me. Human being should grow up according to

certain sequence. For example, I do not like children who speak like

adults. But what I am facing today is not what I should deal with at my

age. And nobody can understand me besides my schoolmates. Even in

school, when somebody does bad at my back, my teacher can protect

me. And I don’t know until it’s over. I was so moved. My husband is

the one who is closest to me besides my parents, even closer than my

brother. But he treats me like this. I think if he really loves me, he

should not treat me like this. My parents protect me because of kinship.

My teacher protects me because I am his posterity. Why can‘t my lover

do the same thing? Is it because he does not love me at all, so he does

not protect me? Because he is my teacher, he protects me when others

speak ill of me. Because they are my parents, they protect me when

others do evil to me. So it is the same with my brother. But he is not.

When I came across some unfair things, he would instinctively protect

other people. I said that he was right to protect his parents. If he even

does not care to protect his parents, I will look down upon him. But his

sister-in-law should be lower in any aspect. Right? It cannot be

evaluated by the length of time. He cannot judge just based on the fact

that his brother and sister-in-law live together for a long time.

Moreover, you do not see them very often and knows little about their

life. Do you know what problems they have? Do you know how they

treat each other? You don’t know these. I have never meant to attack

your sister-in-law or anyone verbally. I just feel that you should not trust

other people more than me. It’s absolutely wrong.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The wife was feeling strongly about her need to

be loved by the husband. W: I thought I would be calm when I talked

about this but I am not. If I am really calm, it will be very bad. It will mean

222

that I don’t love him any more or I have loved other people. The husband was very quiet and receptive to what the wife had to say and

only responded once in this episode by confirming gently that he heard

what the wife said.

M: Do you agree now you have known her better?

H: Yes.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna –The wife acknowledged the husband for his loyalty

to his family:

W: I think I am confident to say that I know him in certain aspect. He is a

person who is truly faithful to his family and will not allow others to do

bad things to his family. But this merit does not include me. You see? I am

not in.

[1350]M: But you agree the way he treats his parents and only do not agree

with his sister-in-law.

The wife recognized that she still cared for his love and the husband

recognized that he had to keep her happy in order to keep his extended

family.

W:…I have never meant to attack your sister-in-law or anyone verbally. I just

feel that you should not trust other people more than me. It’s absolutely

wrong.

M: Do you agree now you have known her better?

H: Yes.

The wife wanted to be acknowledged and taken seriously as a mature

person:

W: I feel painful when I think about it. But my husband does not know my

pain at all. He thinks what I think is something I should not think about.

But I think a normal person will not think about unhappy things all the

day. He has never considered the reason why I am always thinking

about these things. He only takes me as an immature person. (iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The wife needed the husband to show his love

by action and to treat her as an insider in his family system:

M: You are right. He didn’t give you very much support when you talked

about your situation in the past. He used to overprotect his family

members.

W: I feel he just does not consider me as his family member. His parents,

brother and sister-in-law are his family but I am not.

223

M: You are right. He has never known you as an insider.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The wife was expressing her aggregates to the

husband who was listening and prepared to fulfill her needs as they

would also fulfill his needs. The husband had a major shift in a new

awareness in his vedana, sanna and sankhara after the separate

meeting:

As the wife put her requests to the husband, she was repeating the 12th links,

death, what had happened and was inviting him to resolve the situation towards the

new experience of 11th link, rebirth, which was what both of them wanted to achieve

and project to the future. If they thought they ever had a future together, how would

they want that picture to be? The mediator was aware of the process at this stage

and guided the parties to acknowledge the past experiences and then negotiate a new

experience in future. Again, the Five ARM was repeated with the couples in order

to enhance their understanding of each other’s experiences.

Episode 2

(a) The husband shifted from a position of resistance or blame to a softer and more

supportive tone regarding the wife’s demands and the issue of the sister-in-law:”

I think I know better about family this time.[1364]” and “In the past I didn’t know

her feelings.[1366]”. He even acknowledged her needs :” She needs us to stay

together. [1380]”.

The wife shifted from expressing desperation about what her expectations about

love was [1382] to what her thinking was about his resistance to believe what the

sister-in-law did to her: “I think he is just running around the problem. He doesn’t

want to admit that his sister-in-law is a person like that [1396]. The wife’s

perception of the husband’s behavior was that he was avoiding conflict and she needed

him to support her in order to show he loved her.

The mediator then facilitated the husband to express that he believed in her

[1417 -1425]:

M: Let me ask him. I am interested to know if you would like to tell her that you

believe in her?

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H: Yes, I would like to.

M: Would you?

[1420]H: She knows what will happen after I tell her that I believe her, including

how to get along with them.

W: I hope we can keep our state now.

H: Still not see each other?

W: I hope so. It’s impossible for us not to see each other for the whole life. But I

hope when we see each other again, you can prove by action that I am the most

important in your heart. You should set up a claim that nobody, including your

sister-in-law, is allowed to do something like this to me. A man of thirty years

should be able to do this.

M: Ok, what do you think? Can you tell her that you can see each other, but if there

is a conflict, what is your standpoint?

[1425]H: Yes, I can.

When the husband agreed to do what the wife wanted him to do, the wife

immediately softened her emotional tone:” Maybe it’s not all his fault. Maybe I am

too rough to his sister-in-law. Maybe I should treat her in another way, but I am not

that kind of person.[1433]”.

In this case, the parties were guided by the mediator to shift their positions from

blaming to acknowledging their own contributions to the conflict. They exchanged

their feelings and thoughts and recognized and agreed to support each other

positively in their role in the marriage. .

(b) The husband and wife discussed directly what they would do regarding the

issue of the sister-in-law. They negotiated the appropriate behavior in

handling the matter in future [1417 -1428]. The parties’ feelings were

acknowledged by each other as well as the mediator and the therapist [1445].

They agreed to see the therapist for follow up sessions. All parties agreed that

change was possible and the change would be for the better of the marital

relationship, which would also benefit the relationship with the extended family

[1465, 1475].

According to the Transformative model of mediation, the parties are encouraged

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to recognize each other’s emotions which will enhance more understanding between

the parties.

In this case, the parties not only exchanged their feelings and thinking, but also

acknowledged each other’s pain – the wife’s pain of not being accepted by the

husband and his extended family and the husband’s pain of being caught in the

middle of this conflict situation [1445]:

[1445]L: I am not sure whether the husband has remembered a point that Helena kept

mentioning a fact that she had difficulty joining in your stable family. Of

course you may also notice how painful she felt. It’s not easy for her to speak

her pain out. Last time she said she didn’t care. But she was really painful. We

hope we can help you to express your pains as well. A man also had a lot of

pains.

They also acknowledged each other’s role in the family positively– the husband

acknowledged the wife for not being a slanderer and the wife acknowledged the

husband’s loyalty to his family. Both agreed that they had contributed to the

conflict and would need to change [1366, 1433].

H: I think I know better about family this time.

[1365]M: What do you think the problem was in the past?

H: In the past I didn’t know her feelings.

The wife felt guilty about her behavior:

W: Maybe it’s not all his fault. Maybe I am too rough to his sister-in-law. Maybe I should

treat her in another way, but I am not that kind of person.

M: He has said that he believes in you.

[1435]W: I am that kind of person who will feel guilty when seeing other people admitting

their fault.

The parties were empowered to exchange their views and agreed to a course of

action to take in future regarding the issue with the sister-in-law [1417- 1425].

They also agreed to work more on improving their communication with a therapist.

(c) The mediator explored the parties’ five aggregates:

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(i) 1st Aggregate, rupa – The husband was ready to admit that “I think I

know better about family this time.” He was ready to give the right

answer to the wife regarding whether he believed her about the

sister-in-law. The wife was ready to resolve and negotiate an action

plan with the husband when he said he believed in her.

(ii) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – The husband was relieved to resolve with the

wife. The wife was ashamed of herself when he finally said what she

wanted him to say.

[1435]W: I am that kind of person who will feel guilty when seeing other

people admitting their fault.

The mediator and the therapist validated their feelings: L: You are a

painful person today but you let out a lot of feelings deep in your heart. [1450]M: I think she has expressed it clearly. She is clear about what the

principle of love is. This is easy to be accomplished. I didn’t

understand her last time, but I know what she needs today.

(iii) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – The wife thought the husband had not done what

was appropriate in showing his support to her. The wife knew that deep

down the husband believed in her words about the sister-in-law and that

he was just avoiding conflict by not admitting that he believed in her.

W: I think he is just running around the problem. He doesn’t want to admit that

his sister-in-law is a person like that.

M: Do you agree with her?

H: I prefer to leave these questions unsolved.

W: He prefers to leave them instead of solving them. As long as I don’t say it,

he will not solve it. He prefers to make me feel sad instead of saying it out. I

don’t think this is what a man should do to his beloved woman. I think a

man like this is a coward.

The husband acknowledged this fact and confirmed, “Yes, she is not the

kind of women who will speak evil things on the back of others. If she is, I

will not marry her [1411].”

He recognized that he could love her the way she wanted without fear of

losing his extended family.

(iv) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The husband acknowledged that the wife wanted

to stay in the marriage despite the disappointment that he caused her:

M: You see now. Why is she so painful? Maybe you have no idea why she feels

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so much pain.

[1375]H: Maybe it’s because she has a high standard of love. Because she

didn’t live with her parents and got little care and love and her

ex-boyfriend gave her a lot of care, so she feels disappointed of me.

W: Why do you make me disappointed? I think a man who loves me will not

make me disappointed. Everybody says that women in love are the happiest

people.

M: Ok, now you tell her your thoughts. Now you understand what in the past you

didn’t. What do you know about her today?

H: Maybe mainly our differences. She is a poor person because she grows up

with her grandparents.

M: What does she need from you?

[1380]H: She needs us to stay together.

The wife wanted the husband to show his love for her through his action.

She wanted the husband to show it even hinting to the sister-in-law next time

they met that the wife was the most important person in his life. The

couple negotiated on whether they should meet the brother and the

sister-in-law in future and if they would, what they would do:

H: Now I will never say a word to my sister-in-law. Even when she talks to me, I

will pretend not to hear.

[1405]W: I don’t want you to say nothing to her. It’s important how you act when

we stay together.

M: What about if she tells the truth?

W: He believes that I tell the truth because I am not a big mouth. If I am, he

would not marry me.

(v) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The couple understood each other’s aggregates

through the facilitation of the mediator. The couple concluded the

session with a new awareness that they had successfully resolved the

issues of how to improve on their communication and how to show love

and support to each other as a married couple.

The mediator commented on what the couple’s problem was: “I think this is

a problem concerning about principle. You are focusing too much on

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principles [1442].” The mediator was reversing the process of the 12 links.

Throughout the process, the conflict was the couple’s attachment to their

perceptions (third Aggregate, sanna) and their principles (fourth Aggregate,

sankhara) which were about the definition of love and family and how each of

them expected the other to behave accordingly. The turning point of the process

was when the mediator reframed the concern that the husband had about losing

his extended family if he accommodated the wife in working on the couple

relationship. Since his obsession (sankhara) was that he needed to retain his

relationship with his extended family, the mediator was able to introduce another

principle which was compatible to his goal by reframing his need to keep the small

immediate family in order to keep the larger extended family. When his

perceptions (sanna) about accepting his wife’s demands meant severing more

relationships with his extended family, this was challenged by the new principle

introduced by the mediator. He was then ready to shift to a new perspective: He

recognized he could love her the way she wanted without fear of losing his

extended family.

Similarly, the wife had shifted from her perceptions (sanna) that he would

never change for her. In fact she said “I am that kind of person who will feel

guilty when seeing other people admitting their fault.” According to the BM Model,

a 3rd Aggregate, sanna, will be wholesome sanna if one will accept that whatever

one is recognizing at any one moment is not permanent and is subject to change

from one moment to the next and that attachment to that particular thinking or

perception will only bring suffering. There was enough doubt created by the

mediator to challenge the parties’ sanna that they would be less attached to their

thinking and principles after the session.

Conclusion: In this case, the couple appreciated the mediation process in enhancing the

understanding between them. The husband commented that the mediation process

made me understand his wife’s thinking and he would work harder on the

relationship: 使我更深了解了我愛人的想法，使我意識到我在單方面應做更大努

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力 and the wife was happy that the mediation process had made the husband

understood her much more: 使對方更好的了解自己 . Despite the emotional

intensity in the session, the mediator has used the model as suggested by Bowen by

positioning as a “coach”,

Conflict between two people will resolve automatically if both remain in

emotional contact with a third person who can relate actively to both

without taking sides with either (Bowen, 1978, p. 177).

The effect of the mediation process works only when the mediator has taken into

consideration the cultural perspective of how the parties feel about their role as a

spouse or as a family member of the larger system. As a representation of what a

modern couple in China can experience in their marital conflict, this case has shown

great promise for the use of mediation as an intervention by a neutral and

non-judgmental third party being totally different from the type of mediation that has

been applied in the Chinese community (Gabrenya & Hwang, 1996).

(End of Case 3)

(End of Chapter 5)

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CHAPTER 6: DISCOURSE ANALYSIS

This Chapter is the analysis of the seven essays of the students of the BM course

in September 2006 to January 2007.




6.4 Essay 4

6.5 Essay 5

6.6 Essay 6

6.7 Essay 7


The profile of the student:

- aged 59

- female

- awarded a Master of Social Work by HKU in 1978

- a retiree from the Hong Kong Government civil service in 2004

- a registered social worker by practice

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” “BM: a

transformative approach to conflict resolution”?

The mediator described what she had learned in the BM course which covered

four parts. “I have captured four main learning areas recollecting for future use and they

are (1) the concepts of conflict resolution and the solution-focused techniques in

interviewing, (2) the Buddhist philosophy – the theory of the five aggregates of

reality in application, (3) the application of a model by integrating the techniques

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of solution-focused brief therapy and the mediation process with Buddhist

theories and practices and (4) self reflection on the transition from my usual

professional role to that of Buddhist peacemaker, making reference to personal

experiences, values and personality. “ The four areas represented the structure of the BM course. The first part of the

course was structured as learning the theory of conflict resolution mixed with

interviewing techniques of solution-focused brief therapy. The middle part of the

course focused on the theory of the five aggregates and the 12 links. The third part

of the course was on role-playing exercises which focused on the practice of the BM

Model with the Five ARM.

The mediator went on to describe her perception of the BM Model as basically a

generic model of mediation by quoting Christopher Moore’s (1996) 12 stages model.

She integrated the common mediation skills with the” rapport building through active

mindful listening, observing and assessing the five aggregates” which was uniquely

used in the BM Model:

“For effective mediation, generally the mediator is to maintain neutrality toward

the parties and impartially about the issues. As mediation is voluntary, like the

participants in mediation, the mediator should have realistic expectations for

success. The mediator has to keep the whole process under control. I am

convinced that some of the specific skills and techniques required in the meetings

are rapport building through active mindful listening, observing and assessing the

five aggregates, identifying genuine needs, reframing the problems positively,

neutralizing negative expressions and the issues, positioning the participants to

realize the objective reality, focusing on common grounds and interests, working

on non-problem area appropriately, encouraging the share of grief, transferring

issues to agenda, deciding on separate sessions, creating doubts as and when

necessary, highlighting the best as well as the worst alternatives to a negotiated

agreement.”

Research Question 2: What does the student “do” in respect of “BM: a


Role Play 1: Property dispute between Mother-in-law and Sister-in-law.

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The facts were similar to a real case that happened in Hong Kong in 2000. The

mother-in-law was in her late 80’s. She and her only son jointly owned a property

(“the said property”) in which they lived. Her son married a woman in China

without her consent. A few years later, the daughter-in-law moved to Hong Kong to

live with her husband and her mother-in-law, who decided to move into an aged

home shortly after the daughter-in-law arrived in Hong Kong. The daughter-in-law

was a handicapped person who walked with a limp. She gave birth to two

daughters. A few months after the youngest one was born, her husband died of a

sudden death. The mother-in-law wanted to sell the said property. The case went

to mediation through the recommendation of a social service agency.

Stage 1

Joint Meeting

(a) At the beginning of the session, the mediator tried to engage the parties to tell

their stories.

(b) The mediator started the mediation process with an opening statement to get the

parties to focus on what they would be telling the mediator. The mediator also set

the scene so that they would agree to follow the ground rules and commit to the

‘confidential’ process, thereby giving the mediator the authority to control the

process.

M: Thank you for coming and give me the chance to meet with you two. Can I call you

grandma and you as Ms Chan? (Nodded and agreed) I hope you will be able to listen

to each other and not to interrupt. You will have your turn to tell us your concerns.

We will also have separate sessions so that you can talk to me alone to raise questions

and clarify concerns. I think we have an hour to do this. This case may go to court if

necessary. The information we gather in the session will be confidential and will not

be used for any other purpose. Now, we give the first chance to grandma to tell us

what is her concern?

The mediator used reframing skills to reframe the negative contents, emotions

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or state of mind from each of their stories.

Grandma: Miss Tsao, I am very old. Next year, I will be ninety. You know ninety

although I don’t look ninety. I am now living in an aged home. I am alone. I just

want to sell the property so that I can no longer ask the government to give me money.

I can stand on my own, and I am already ninety. I have nothing. That is all I want to

do. The flat is belonged to me and my son. I don’t know this woman. She suddenly

said that she has half of the property. Ok, let she has half. I want to sell the flat. I

want to have the money.

M: I understand that you feel that you are alone. You want to sell the flat. You want

to stand on your own feet. You don’t want the government assistance. But, actually

she and your son also have two children, your grandchildren.

The mediator further explored the relationship between the parties and talked

about the grandchildren which ought to be a common ground of both women:

Grandma: No, I am not sure. You know that. I didn’t marry my son. He went to

Mainland China to get to know her and then got married. I didn’t know her. I didn’t

give the consent. Then, she suddenly came to Hong Kong and said she came to look

after my son. I didn’t know what happened. Ok, then she had two children.

The mediator continued to be positive about what the Grandma was saying

about the grandchildren:

M: So, it is nice to be at your old age to have grand children, calling you grandma.

Right?

The mediator turned to the daughter-in-law, Ms. Chan, and explored her story:

Ms. Chan: I am very hurt. I don’t know what to say. I was married to your son.

We got proof. You want to see the proof. It is your son’s signature on the marriage

certificate. It is your son’s signature, you son’s name is on the birth certificates of the

two children, although the young one could not see his father. He died before he was

born. I am very surprised and very hurt to hear words from you, saying that you

don’t recognize our relationship. I came here six years ago on my own to land. I don’t

know much about... I have to adapt myself very hard looking after your son, as well

as you. I don’t know what you say.

Despite the Grandma’s protests and interruptions that she did not give consent

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to the marriage and that she did not recognize Ms Chan as her daughter-in-law, the

mediator reframed what Ms Chan had said, focusing on the facts and data, their

feelings, clarifying their thinking and what had happened – the analysis of the five

aggregates from the information that were presented:

M: Can I recapitulate what Ms Chan has said first? Ok, Ms Chan said they are

legally married, so we have to recognize that this is a legal marriage. May be you son

and your daughter-in-law haven’t really got your consent, but they are legally married.

I think you have to accept that. She has got the marriage certificate. Your son’s

name is on the birth certificates. Right? Ms Chan, I hear what you say, you are

really sad about coming here and your husband died. I am sorry about that too.

Also one point is that Ms Chan came to look after your son. She didn’t say that she

came to look after you. So you are being cared in the old aged home.

The mediator explored what the parties wanted and found out that Ms. Chan did

not reject Grandma. At this point the mediator pushed for an option of the

settlement of their dispute by suggesting that Grandma should move back to the

property. However, the mediator realized that Grandma did not accept this:

M: So this is not an option. You still want to talk about the flat. Right?

When the parties started to engage in with other and blamed each other for

their suffering, the mediator stopped them and mutualized their pain:

M: I really like the session because you two are talking to each other. You really wan t

to express your feelings to her but you would need to take turn. Actually I hear that

you would like the two grand children to call you grandma and then Ms Chan wants

grandma to hug the two children. It is unlucky the son was not here already.

The mediator in her own commentary realized that it was too quick for the

parties to share their grief because they had not accepted that their suffering was

mutual and that both had contributed to create their respective sufferings. The

parties became more obsessed with their positions i.e. sankhara:

Ms. Chan : If grandma wants to believe that the grandchildren are not her son’s, I

mean I can’t help you. Grandma: You see that, oh, she is not polite, she didn’t respect the senior. You know

how she speaks. I have to go to the aged home. You see that.

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The mediator further tried to get the parties to agree rebuilding the relationship

without any reframing of their sanna or sankhara and put it to them as a suggestion:

M: Before we talk about the property issue, I would like to get settled about the

grandchildren, you say grandma never hugs them, grandma says they don’t call her

grandma. I think it is a good time to have some agreement on these.

The mediator persisted with her own agenda:

M: So actually grandma welcomes the visit. Ms Chan is ready to visit but it is just

about the convenient time. So we can work it out on the time to visit grandma and let

the two children call you grandma.

Despite the mediator’s effort to push for an agreement, the parties still resisted

and wanted to talk about the property issue.

Ms. Chan : We are talking about the property. I am very anxious. She wants to push

me out.

The mediator reflected in her own commentary that she had been ignoring the

real need and concern of the parties and resisting the party:

M: We will come to that.

The mediator was finally forced to address the issue:

M: We will come to the point. Grandma wants to sell the flat. Ms Chan doesn’t want to

sell the flat. Grandma, can we give her a chance to tell why she doesn’t want to sell

the flat?

When the parties were expressing what they wanted from the other party, the

mediator noted in the commentary that she spotted a common ground for the parties

when the father of the grandchildren were mentioned:

Grandma: I want you to know that it is not only your husband, it is my son. I paid the

down payment. I am his mother.

The mediator created doubt about their obsessive demands on each other and

reframed their situation:

M: Grandma, the property now is under the joint name of two of you. You have to

accept that selling the flat, both of you have to give consent. I also need to reiterate

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that three of them are living in the flat, the two grand children and Ms Chan. You hear

it very clearly that Ms Chan and the children need a home.

However, the mediator lost her sense of direction of the process when she

suggested solutions to deal with the relationship issue between the parties, by

suggesting the tea ceremony which the daughter-in-law would do to a mother-in-law

at a wedding.

Grandma: She just told that I am grandma. She never calls me mother-in-law. She

didn’t give me the cup of water, a cup of tea.

The mediator lost control of the process after the inappropriate suggestion was

rejected by Ms. Chan:

M: You are willing to do it. You say you can do it. Do you think you can do it now?

Grandma asks for it and you say you that you are ready.

In the commentary, the mediator recognized that the five aggregates should be

explored at this point to recap what the situation was and what the parties were

feeling and thinking about their relationship so that the past could be dealt with in

order to move onto the present stage of the conflict.

“The session has come to a breaking point, i.e. either to make it or break it and

therefore need to recapitulate what have been said and quickly work on their five

aggregates.”

(c) From the BM Model’s perspective, the mediator was uncovering what karmic

thoughts and deeds had happened that had caused the conflict between the parties.

The parties were presumed to be unaware of the other party’s or even their own

aggregates. The mediator’s role was to facilitate the parties to explore their five

aggregates and to reframe their mind set with the Five ARM. When the mediator

was caught in the middle of the process, she was reminded to go through the five

aggregates of each parties.

The Grandma’s five aggregates were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – Her only son married a woman who was a stranger to her

and had the ceremony in China without her consent. She owned the home

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jointly with her son. She moved to an old age home after the woman arrived in

Hong Kong. Her son had just died a few months ago.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was angry about her son’s marriage to this woman.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She did not recognize the daughter-in-law as her family

out of spite because she was not respected.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted to sell the property because she did not

need the property for accommodation since she lived in the aged home. At her

old age, she wanted financial independence and did not want to rely on

government subsidies. She complained about not being hugged or visited by the

grandchildren.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She was not too aware of what she really wanted to

achieve. On the one hand she seemed to want to get out of the relationship with

Ms. Chan by selling the property but on the other hand she seemed to care for

family ties and wished to be treated with respect as the mother-in-law and

grandma of the children.

The five aggregates of Ms Chan:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – She married and moved to Hong Kong to start a new life

with her husband. Her husband died soon after her second child was born.

She was physically handicapped and stayed in the property that her husband left

her.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was anxious about what would happen to her and

her two young children. She was hurt that she and her children were not accepted

as part of the family by Grandma.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She thought the mother-in-law was cold, unreasonable

and did not accept her as family in pushing her out of the property.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She did not want to move and wanted a secure home

for her children. She did not need the cash from the sale of the property. She

wanted to maintain family ties with Grandma.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She was only aware of her own aggregates but not too

aware of the aggregates of the mother-in-law or the dynamics between them.

From the above analysis of the five aggregates of the parties, the mediator was

able to draw up the following agenda for discussion by the parties:

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How can the relationship be rebuilt?

How can more frequent contacts be made?

How can the appropriate accommodation be arranged?

What financial resources are needed by both parties?

The above agenda items were the ultimate reframes of the fourth Aggregate of

the parties. The karmic activities which were thoughts, words or deeds that the

parties had expressed as wants or concerns were reframed into a list of more

mutualized issues for exploration of possible solutions by both parties. For

example, the mediator did reframe the concern about the visit of the Grandma at the

old age home by remarking

“So actually grandma welcomes the visit. Ms Chan is ready to visit but it

is just about the convenient time. So we can work it out on the time to

visit grandma and let the two children call you grandma.”

The corresponding agenda item was “How can more frequent contacts be

made?”

The process of the reverse of the first and second links was in place when the

karmic activities were reframed as mutual concerns that both parties needed to

address in the future in order to resolve issues. The parties were more aware of

their five aggregates as the mediator guided them through the process. As they

agreed to the agenda items, they had actually shifted from their previous level of

consciousness and moved into a new awareness of their mutual concerns and their

real needs rather than their original selfish-demands of “ Sell versus Not to Sell the

Property” so that they were ready for another stage of the process.

Stage 2

Separate Meeting with Ms Chan

(a) The mediator started Stage 2 of the process of change by exploring the preferred

scenario with Ms. Chan.

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(b) The mediator used the appropriate process skills to give the individual party the

opportunity to do some options-generating. The options were reality-checked and

the party was prompted with creative ideas about possible solutions. Ms. Chan was

coached to come up with a range of options when they were ready for negotiation.

The needs of the parties were discussed and options were generated as appropriate

for mutual gain. Objective criteria of assessment of what was appropriate behavior

was applied by the mediator who sensed that Ms Chan did not have the cultural

knowledge and skill to behave as a daughter-in-law as expected in the society of

Hong Kong. From the commentary, the following assessment from the mediator

who was an experienced social worker was noted:

“#Sense the client – to know the reason for the relationship turning so bad. From the

way she talked to the old lady, Ms Chan does not know how to behave as a

daughter-in-law, not knowing how to please her. She is not skillful. A woman from

Mainland needs more resource, may be a social worker to help her.”

(c) From the BM Model, the agenda items were actually related to the outcome

objectives that the parties were obsessed with in the beginning of the session or the

underlying concerns and interests that the parties had unconsciously held. These

obsessions or needs were associated with the eighth to tenth links (craving, clinging

and becoming). By working on the agenda items, the mediator was actually guiding

the party to reverse the attachment to eighth to tenth links in the ‘present’ temporal

division of the 12 links.

The mediator explored the five aggregates of Ms Chan in the separate meeting:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – She was guided by the mediator to look at possible

solutions to the agenda items. She would need to deal with the reality of court

proceedings or the property being ultimately sold

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She felt anxious about the possible eviction. Her

emotional tone softened when the mediator reframed her sanna to a more

wholesome sanna. Shared grief was only possible when Ms. Chan shifted from

her attachment to her selfish demands (eighth to tenth links) to mutual

understanding of their suffering (third to seventh links) in the present conflict.

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c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – Despite what Grandma said and her resistance in the

beginning, she eventually recognized that she must keep the relationship in order

to deal with the property issue. She also recognized that there were things that

she could offer to Grandma in order to resolve. She recognized the danger of

the property being sold even after the Grandma’s death.

The mediator used the technique of creating doubt to ensure that her

perceptions were not fixated as before. The mediator first created doubt about

Ms Chan’s perception that Grandma did not want to rebuild their relationship.

M: I recall that she said she is not being treated as grandma. She did not give

consent to the marriage. That is why she feels that she is not respected in that way.

She said she would like to see you and the grandchildren… I Hear that. You

hear that, you realize that.

The mediator reframed the original sanna to a more wholesome sanna:

M: It seems that she is not really rejecting the rebuilt of relationship.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The obsession of Ms. Chan was to separate the two

issues of property and relationship:

Ms. Chan: She wants to rebuild the relationship. She also wants to sell the flat. I see

the conflict here. I don’t know how she can reconcile.

The mediator facilitated Ms. Chan to generating options on the two issues: To

keep the property, she could offer Grandma accommodation at the property or other

financial resources as compensation. To rebuild the relationship, she could offer to

see her on a regular basis or to work out how to improve the relationship if Grandma

moved back to live with her.

M: Action one, you are open. You welcome her back, if she wants to. We have some

agenda items on the board, what do you think you can do to show that you are in a

family? The relationship is genuinely rebuilt. How about the contact? You

mention about accommodation. You welcome her back. And, you also have to think

realistically if grandma is really moving back to stay with the family. May be she can

come back in the weekend for a trial period, to see if it can really rebuild relationship

then. To think about how you can live together. If she prefers to stay in the aged

home, what time you should visit her. You need to work on both short-term and

long-term plan.

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Without pushing Ms. Chan towards any particular agenda, Ms. Chan came to

her own conclusion in linking the negotiation of the issues of their relationship and

property for a global settlement. The obsession that the property could not be

traded off with the relationship-building was removed:

Ms. Chan: I think she has to really treat us as family, understanding that this is her

only family. She has only one son and her son died. These are her grand children.

She should think for the grandchildren if not me, she should think for them. By doing

so, I hope she would not insist on selling the flat.

The mediator reality-checked with Ms. Chan on possible options in rebuilding

their relationship.

M: I think you can work on that. If you want her to take you and the children as

family members, you will take her as a family member too.

The mediator further reality-tested with Ms. Chan on her sankhara what she

would be prepared to do for Grandma that would be important to Grandma and

would fit both parties’ needs:

M: In the last session, I think she has expressed that she wants you to call her

mother-in-law and she wants to see the grand children more often. It is fact that the

children and grandma, they are blood-tied and not any other person.

The mediator in the commentary mentioned that the following remark from Ms.

Chan indicated that the shift of her sanna indicated a direction towards wholesome

sanna i.e. selfless and without blame. However, to put it more accurately, what Ms

Chan said might have had the effect of “meritorious” sankhara which were

charitable, moral and mindful actions (Boisvert, 1995, p. 97) and not wholesome

sanna. Therefore, the options for Ms. Chan to rebuild their relationship were more

open then before and not just focused on each of their selfish wants but on mutual

understanding of their difficulties and suffering:

Ms. Chan: I hope she will understand my situation. I can’t bring the children to see her

any other day.

The mediator further reality-checked with Ms. Chan what would happen in the

worst scenario. In the commentary, the mediator suggested concession and even an

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apology from Ms. Chan, preparing her for a wider range of options:

M: That is it, even if you can resist now to have the house sold now, if you cannot now

deal with grandma, then the flat is still be sold when she passed away. You realize that.

Grandma actually wants you to call her mother-in-law, the two grandchildren to visit

her. To be in good term. Are you prepared to go along this line?

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – By facilitation of the mediator, she became aware of the

above aggregates and came to new awareness and more options to deal with her

situation.

By creating doubt and focusing Ms Chan on her needs, the mediator was able to

turn the sanna into wholesome sanna which were perceptions that were subject to

change and non-blaming in nature. Ms Chan’s state of mind was more open to

options and possibilities in order to build a new and better future experience.

Upon reversing the cycle of the process of the 12 links in the “present” temporal

division, the five aggregates were being reframed into a more constructive

experience. Ms Chan was prepared to move into Stage 3 of the process to the

‘future’ temporal division of the 12 links where she would decide with the other party

the action plan.

Separate meeting with Grandma

(a) The mediator explored possible solutions with Grandma in a private session.

(b) The mediator used skills of creating doubt and coaching with Grandma in a

private session in order to prepare her for negotiation in a subsequent joint

session.

(c) The mediator worked with Grandma’s five aggregates:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – Grandma had a sworn daughter, Emily, who visited her

regularly and took her to the doctor, paid her fees and promised to take care of

her funeral for her.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was keen for Emily to take care of her funeral

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matters. The mediator tried to emphasize with the Grandma the grief shared

with Ms. Chan:

M:Grandma, I am sorry that your son is not here now. The closest people of you

are your daughter-in-law and the grand children. .

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She recognized that Emily was reliable but later accepted

that she was not as close to her as her daughter-in-law and grandchildren.

The mediator created doubt on how much Emily could help in her immediate and

long term needs:

M: Grandma, we can never be sure that someone will really take care of you and

your funeral. It is very uncertain about that.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted cash to pay for her future funeral

arrangements and immediate short term needs. She had certain expectations

from her daughter-in-law and the grandchildren.

The mediator tried to create doubt about what Emily could do and what the

grandchildren were to Grandma:

M: The two grandchildren are the only relatives of your son. Do you not want to

see them grow up? You would like to see them grow up healthily and happily.

Options were explored on what Grandma wanted from Ms. Chan and the

grandchildren and a new picture of third to tenth links were projected:

Grandma: They should at least visit me, once to twice a month and take me to

dinner at festival, like the occasion of mid autumn festival. When I am ill, they will

come to visit me. They will escort me to see the doctor if they can. They have

never done so.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She was more aware of the possible options to resolve

her concerns after exploring her aggregates as above.

Stage 3 –

Joint Meeting

(a) The mediator facilitated the parties to a joint discussion of their issues. They

arrived at an action plan that both agreed to perform.

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(b) The mediator used the agenda for discussion. The parties directly negotiated

terms of settlement that fitted both parties’ needs.

(c) The parties were keen to settle and their five aggregates were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – Ms Chan will transfer her share of the property to

Grandma. Grandma will get a mortgage or rent out a room to get income. Ms.

Chan can get government subsidies on her living expenses and rental payment.

Grandma will change her will to leave the property to the children so that Ms.

Chan and her children can occupy it for life. The mediator summarized the

agreement:

M: We have come to some solution about the relationship and the property. You are

now a family. You and the grandchildren will be visiting grandma, having meals

sometime together, especially during festivals. For the time being, grandma wants to

continue staying in the aged home and can come to stay with you and the grand

children during weekends and especially during festivals. Grandma will not sell the

flat. She will have all the share of the flat. She owns the flat. She can rent a room

and the rent will be stored up for the installments of a graveyard and also the funeral.

She will change her will to give the flat to the grandchildren after her death.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – Both parties were happy about the outcome and satisfied

that their needs were being met.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – Both parties recognized that they were a family.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – Both want to keep the family ties and be secure in

financial and accommodation needs. Both need to learn to rebuild a new and

harmonious future relationship.

Grandma: Life is treating me hard. I am proposing that she can let me own the whole

flat. You can pay me rent. You can get the public assistance for the living. I either get

the mortgage or rent one room to some other people. I can save up the money for the

graveyard and the funeral.

Grandma directly proposed to Ms. Chan and settled the details of what she would do

with the property:

Grandma: You are so generous to drop your share and if you behave well, I can change

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my will and give the flat to the children.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – Both parties were more aware of what their aggregates

were before the process began.

For the process of change, this last stage happened unexpectedly smoothly. As

this was a role-playing exercise, the parties were ready to resolve after exploring

their needs in the separate session. The parties were listening to the whole

discussion during the separate meetings. They had full knowledge of each other’s

needs and concerns. Grandma who was role-played by an experienced social

worker was creative in coming up with the solution package that would fit the needs

of both parties. In a real mediation, the parties might need additional resources

from the input of social workers and lawyers in order to assist in putting the final

package together.

The mediator finally brought the parties together for the final stage of the

mediation process whereby they negotiated for the settlement. The action plan was

agreed to fit their needs. The settlement terms were” innovative” and the property

was kept unsold.

During the previous stages of the process in reversing the twelve links, the parties

became awaren of their aggregates and understood what their real needs and

concerns were. The parties came out of the mediation reversing the experience of

12th link, Death to 11th link, Rebirth, bringing a new experience of wholesome sanna

and transforming their obsessions into a more meritorious sankhara.

Self-reflection of the mediator

The following is an extract from the mediator’s self-reflective journal on how

she had performed in the role play. The mediator hypothesized that objectively the

case was related to the following issues:

“ (1) relational problem of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law and

there is a need to deal with the past and change in the future, (2)

data verification on the property as the aged mother-in-law and

young widowed daughter-in-law are sharing the ownership and the

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former now living in an aged home plans to sell the flat while the

latter living there with her two very young children is in need of a

home and will not agree to the selling of the flat, hence there is a

need for reality checking on the property value and resource

implication (3) legal aspect on the ownership of the flat and the

involvement of the sworn daughter who has been assigned in the

will by the grandma to transfer her half share after death; (4)

resource conflict as the mother-in-law is said to be short of money

for medical escort, buying graveyard and saving up some for the

future funeral. Consideration is made for global settlement and

expanding of resources to meet financial needs of both parties.”

The mediator further developed an accurate analysis of the five aggregates of

the parties, i.e. their internal realities of what they were experiencing as reality,

sensation, perception and needs:

Aggregates Grandma Daughter in law

First –

matter or

form

(What?)

Her son and daughter-in-law got

married in Mainland. She

wasn’t there. She did not attend

the wedding. She refused to go

to the ceremony. The

relationship deteriorated. She is

at her very old age. She lost her

son. She has half of the flat that

is of joint ownership with the

daughter-in-law after the son

died.

Grandma does not recognize the

marriage and her

daughter-in-law’s status. She

could not let grandma know of

what kind of a person she is. She

lost her husband. She is rearing

two very young children alone.

She is living in a flat of joint

ownership with her

mother-in-law.

Second –

sensation,

emotion or

feeling

(I feel….)

She was heart broken. She is

angry for not being respected and

for the relationship turning sour.

The daughter-in-law and

grandchildren are not behaving as

they should. She knows they are

She feels hurt, rejected, and

unfair. Relationship has never

been properly developed. She

thinks mother-in-law wants to

push them out of the flat.

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family but at the same time they

do not appear to be. She feels

maybe she should cut them of by

selling the flat.

Third –

recognition or

perception

(Because ….)

Because she was not respected

right from the beginning, even

before the marriage, now they are

not a family. The daughter-in-law

is impolite and does not know how

to behave. She is not treated as

the senior.

Grandma doesn’t want anything

to relate to them, to cut off form

them altogether, only attached to

the sworn daughter. The flat is

the only thing that ties them

together.

Fourth –

karmic

formation

and activities

(My needs

are ….)

She is obsessed with selling the

flat. It may be good to have a

family in her very old age, family

members visiting her, having

meals during festivals, staying

together for the weekend. She

needs money for the graveyard

and the funeral in the future and

also to see the doctor and top up

the home expenses.

She is a young widow with a

disability. She wants to be

recognized. She and the children

need a home. She has to protect

them – the welfare of the children.

“With the analysis, the intervention is to further explore the past

communication pattern and clarify any misunderstanding. The

negative expressions are reframed and neutralized and grief is

shared. On the set of prioritized agenda, the relationship is to be

re-established, accommodation and financial needs are to be

addressed through altering the ownership of the whole flat to

Grandma and renting out a room for immediate and long term

monetary return. As the needs of the two parties are satisfied, the

session is closed on resuming the relationship and the court case is

thus dropped, and referral for social and community support to the

family is considered with consent from the family.”

The usefulness of the Five ARM was highlighted when the mediator linked the

categories of the five aggregates with the “I” Message model. It showed that the

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mediator had successfully integrated the application of the Five ARM to be

effectively used as a communication model that had a transformative effect of

changing their aggregates. By integrating the two hypotheses of the conflict from

an object (based on the theory of conflict resolution) and subject experiences of the

parties (based on the theory of the five aggregates), the mediator demonstrated the

application of the BM Model in her role-playing exercise in her reflective essay.

The role-playing exercise was well performed by the mediator who was a senior

social worker, with a lot of experience in working with similar cases in her career.

She had a good understanding of the process of change and could perform her role

as the mediator with very little assistance from the coach.

As a Buddhist Mediator, she was able to analyze the five aggregates of the

parties in her self-reflective essay. She succeeded in creating doubt when the

parties were positional. The analysis of the five aggregates assisted her when she

got caught in the process at the beginning when she tried to come to a resolution for

the parties over their relational issue.

The Five ARM made sense to her when she recapped what had happened in the

session relating to the objective reality, feeling, thinking and needs/obsessions of the

parties. The mediator had a good understanding of the Five ARM although she did

not explicitly use the intervention as a reframing technique in the role-playing.

Although the mediator did not use the ‘I’ message model explicitly in the role-playing,

she applied it to the concepts of the Five ARM in the analysis of the case. She did

not use the 12 links theory in her analysis of the case in the essay but she was able to

intervene in the direction required in the three Stages of the BM Model.

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “BM: a


The mediator described a real case where she was the mediator by adopting the

12 stages model of Christopher Moore and applying the Five ARM successfully in

resolving a corporate dispute:

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(1) Establishing a relationship with the disputing parties – as a senior official, I

was trusted to act as a go-between to facilitate negotiation and resolution.

(2) Selecting a strategy to guide mediation – both parties were assisted

separately beforehand to assess various approaches to manage the conflict

and the possible resolution, e.g. normalizing the termination of employment

simply as a work need.

(3) Collecting and analyzing background information – checking on the

aggregates, including the impact on the immediate loss of an employee in

the organization and the possibility to look for a replacement and the

short-term and long-term prospect of the employee in employment.

Situation revisited (form), anger of both was neutralized (feeling),

expectations were reviewed (perception) and needs and options were

highlighted (activities).

(4) Designing a detailed plan for mediation – the joint session was decided to be

conducted after the two separate sessions as prior negotiation between the

parties failed without a third party coming in and no further joint meeting

was considered possible at that point of time.

(5) Building trust and cooperation – both parties had been positively engaged

and all needs were explored. The employee definitely would not want a

complaint even if it could or could not be substantiated while the employee

was thinking of the effect on self-image and prospect and would consider

maintaining a harmonious relationship for future benefit. All these were

recognized.

(6) Beginning the mediation session – Opening statements by the mediator and

participants were made to understand and clarify the situation.

Participants were to accept that the outcome of the sessions would not affect

the termination of the employment contract. The feelings and grievances

were released and they were assured that expressions of one party would

not be released to the other party without consent.

(7) Defining issues and setting an agenda – The issues in order of priorities

were reason and arrangement for termination of the employment contract,

lodging complaint to the higher authority on the management, relational

and future communication.

(8) Uncovering hidden interests of the disputing parties – Complaint would do

no good to all parties, the employer, the employee and organization,

whereas the employee specifically worried about the image and future

prospect in the profession/field.

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(9) Generating options for settlement – The termination of employment would

be deferred or the employee could tender resignation instead. Another

option would be not to release the reason for the discontinuation of

employment [so as to be in exchange of the drop of the complaint].

(10) Assessing options for settlement – Whether or not to reveal the real reason

for terminating employment was explored and the loss and gain of lodging a

complaint was examined for both parties. Maintaining a good relationship

between both parties would be beneficial compared to the ruin of

relationship.

(11) Final bargaining – Both parties would prefer a quiet settlement. The

employee admitted that he had done some wrong practice. He learned his

lesson. The employer also realized that the contract had not been made

with care to ensure a smooth operation. Supervision was not adequate.

They shared grief and hoped to maintain a good relationship.

(12) Achieving formal settlement. – The reason for terminating employment was

simply to discontinue the contract after a trail period not needing a specific

reason. The complaint was dropped and there was a possibility for future

work cooperation. Both parties were satisfied with the settlement.

The mediator highlighted the usefulness of the Five ARM in the third stage of”

Collecting and analyzing background information” where the aggregates were

checked and “Situation revisited (form), anger of both was neutralized (feeling),

expectations were reviewed (perception) and needs and options were highlighted

(activities).” However, the theory of the BM Model could have been applied in the

above case as a way to work with the three poisons of unwholesome actions

according to Buddhist theory on how conflict was created and maintained by ‘greed’

‘hate’ and ‘delusion’ of the parties. Throughout the 12 stages, their selfish

demands, motivated by ‘greed’, were reality-checked to give way to less obsessive

needs and wants from each other. Their shared feelings of resentment or ‘hate’

were completely released in Stage 11 and their ’delusion’ that the other was their

enemy was reframed as a common goal:” Maintaining a good relationship between

both parties would be beneficial compared to the ruin of a relationship.”

Conclusion:

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Since the mediator did not describe the BM Model with the theory of the 12

links, it is assumed that she did not consciously use the BM Model. In her analysis

of the role-playing exercise and the real mediation case, it can be observed that she

performed the mediation process as the generic process of change. The intervention

used by the mediator had similar effect as if the BM Model was performed. The

usefulness of the Five ARM was demonstrated when the mediator reverted back to its

analysis and could move on with the process to the next stage or next round of

intervention. The intervention demonstrated by the mediator in these role-playing

exercises were mostly by summarizing the experience of the parties with the Five

ARM or by creating a doubt/reality-check on their sanna or sankhara.

To reaffirm the BM Model, one of the ways to shift the parties from their biased

views (e.g. Grandma did not accept Ms. Chan as her daughter-in-law) was to

reframe the Sanna to a more wholesome direction: it was in their interest to rebuild

their relationship.

The recognition of mutual suffering was established in the role-playing as one

way of shifting the original sanna to wholesome sanna. By reframing their

sankhara from obsessive demands to mutual concerns, the mediator facilitated the

parties to negotiate on “How could their relationship be rebuilt” since they were the

only family they had after the tragic death of the man in their lives. Common

ground or shared grief is demonstrated to be a key element for shifting the parties’

perceptions so that they would become less accusatory and selfish in their

interpretation and more open to a wider range of settlement.

(End of Essay 1)

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The profile of the student:

Sex: female

Age: 33.5yrs

Degree: Master of Social Science in Counselling

Doctor of Clinical Psychology Candidate (to be completed in 2010)

Occupational background: Consultant in a people management company (until Feb

2007)

Education Project Officer for a mental health organization

Research Question 1 : How does the student “see” “BM: a


The following was her commentary to the Five ARM:

“In view of the increasing demand in society on the mediator to

cope with the complicated nature of various disputes, it is

important that we draw on diverse strategies and tactics while

equipping ourselves with an appropriate mindset, and knowledge

to deal with the circumstances. Among them, a useful tool is to

make use of the Five Aggregates under the Buddhist context; the

following brief summary describes the important considerations

when performing the role of a Buddhist mediator.”

Identify the objective reality It is vital that we make out the neutral state of affairs.

This is the reality without any value judgment nor

any feeling and thinking involved.

Identify the feeling We need to make sense of the feeling that is connected

to the person. At times, our feelings arise because we

have a strong sense of ego; that is why many people

are so much feeling-driven. In the Buddhist context,

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one has no self and when we realize that, we can

better handle our feeling and be detached from it

with less effort.

Figure out what are they

thinking

Recognize what are their thoughts and what is in

their minds. When we look into one’s thinking

process, we can easily spot that it is ever-changing. A

core belief in Buddhism depicts that everything is

impermanent. By realizing that, it helps us to

understand the nature of our thinking process.

Identify what they want,

their activity and obsession

Discover what they are so obsessed with. What is

their craving, the aversion and delusion? Ordinary

human beings tend to be trapped in greed, hatred

and misapprehension; suffering occurs when people

fall in these fixations.

Understand and work on

their consciousness

Once we comprehend that our consciousness is

changeable, we can then realize that there is so much

we can do to transform people. The critical factor is

that we must be mindful enough in order to facilitate

the transformation.”

The student’s version of the Five ARM was abbreviated and incomplete. She

did not distinguish what was wholesome versus unwholesome sanna (third

Aggregate). The impermanence of all things is only one of the characteristics;

there is also the recognition of suffering and selflessness which is also important

according to the BM Model in shifting the perception of the parties under the third

Aggregate. As a teacher and researcher of the BM Model, I am appreciative of the

student’s acknowledgment of the power of transformation to the parties’

consciousness. Although the description of the BM Model was brief and incomplete,

the importance of the five aggregates was highlighted so that I am satisfied that the

student would apply Five ARM as an intervention in her future counseling practice

as well as her own personal growth in mindfulness training as a Buddhist Mediator.

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Research Question 2: What did the student “do” with “BM : a transformative

approach to conflict resolution”?

Role Play: The conflict between the brother and the sister

The role-playing was about a property dispute between siblings. The facts

were based on a real life case in the late 1990’s. The elder sister, Johanna, who was

47 had asked her brother, John, to use his name to hold one property (“the said

property”) that she used to own when she had the opportunity to purchase a property

under the Housing Society’s Home Owner’s Scheme. Johanna had taken care of

John since they had moved to Hong Kong from Mainland China by introducing him

to work in the same factory and had provided lodgings at the said property for his

wife and son when John forced them out of the flat he owned a year ago. Johanna

and John were out of a job and both were in need of money. Johanna wanted John

to transfer the said property back to her. John had a girlfriend in China and

wanted money from Johanna before he would transfer the said property back to her.

They recently fought over this issue and their parents wanted them to mediate the

dispute.

The following is the analysis of the transcript of the role-playing exercise

demonstrating her performance as a Buddhist Mediator

Stage 1

Joint Meeting

Episode 1

(a) The mediator tried to get the stories from the parties of what was going on.

The mediator learned about the existing family system which was influenced by

events that had happened over 20 years ago.

(b) For the mediation to start, the mediator set the ground rules which the parties

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broke quite often. Their conflict was complex which involved emotional,

substantive and psychological elements entrenched in a family dysfunctional pattern

of behavior among the parties, their immediate as well as their extended families.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator tried to listen to the parties and assessed

their five aggregates to get to the fourh Aggregate, sankhara or karmic activities

where they were entrenched in their past conflict situation.

For Johanna, her five aggregates were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – She had worked hard in Hong Kong since 1981. She

saved enough money to buy a property (“the said property”) which she some

time ago transferred to John so that she could be eligible to apply for the public

housing scheme. She had let John’s wife and son live in the said property when

they split up recently. She now wanted John to transfer the said property to her

husband’s name. She was out of a job.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was angry and hurt that John refused to do as she

requested.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She thought that John was a member of her family and so

were John’s wife and son.

Johanna: I don’t think it has anything to do with trust because we are sibling, we are in

one family and actually he should not just take my flat and refuse to return it to me.

She thought that John was an irresponsible person in not taking care of his wife

and son and refusing to return the said property to her. She did not trust John and

thought he might sell the property for cash.

Johanna: he always asks me to take care of him. When he was young I took care of him,

then he came and gambled and I gave him the flat and I gave him a job and that is all I

can do.

Mediator: You have been taking care of him long enough and to this moment you

concern about the financial situation and that’s why you want to have the flat back.

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And come to this session.

[50]Johanna: I think he is very irresponsible.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted John to transfer the said property to her

husband. She needed to be secure of the ownership of the said property without

fear of John swindling the property. She needed financial security.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She thought that she was aware of her own aggregates

as above. She was not too sure of the aggregates of John.

The five aggregates of John were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – He agreed to take the said property when Johanna asked

him. He owned his own property where he lived. He had separated from his

wife and son whom Johanna had put up at the said property. He was out of a

job and had a girlfriend living in China.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – He was unhappy that Johanna wanted the said property

back for free.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna - He thought she was being unreasonable in asking for the

transfer of the said property to her husband without any payment. After all, he

was just doing her a favour in accepting the transfer in the first place.

[30]John: I was being kind to you because I know that you couldn’t apply the public

housing.

M: So, you mean this house belongs to her but you tried to be nice to her.

John: Yes, she brought the house and put it under my name. So legally I am entitled to

use it. It is Hong Kong, observing the rule of law and that’s why I like Hong Kong.

He recognized that Johanna, being the big sister, had an obligation to take care

of him.

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d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – He wanted to keep the said property or to have

compensation in transferring the said property back to her or her nominee. He

needed financial resources.

[35]John: Very simply, I am living in my own flat and my first wife now live in

Johanna’s flat because she asked her to live there and it is also under my name. So she

wanted to have it back. I need some compensation because it is Hong Kong here.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – He thought he was aware of his aggregates but not too

sure of hers.

The mediator was trying to use link bargaining for the two varying interests, for

example: ”If you were to transfer back the property to Johanna which belonged to

her, you would need some payment from her?” This intervention back fired. The

parties were not ready to negotiate on the different interests. Their situation needed

to be reframed according to the following theories:

(a) in the therapeutic process of change, reframe their recognition of each

other’s contribution to the conflict so that they will shift from intrapersonal

blame to interpersonal behavior

(b) in the beginning stage of the mediation process, reframe their extreme

perceptions and positions to reach a common ground

(c) in the BM Model, their conflict needs to be reframed according to their five

aggregates.

The mediator could not control the process. The parties started to argue

among themselves and put each other down at this point:

Johanna: I prefer to have my flat back then the public housing. You are an

irresponsible and unreliable big spender; I don’t want to have relationship with you

anymore.

[70]Mediator: When you made the agreement you never mentioned about this.

Johanna: I don’t realize that he is such a bad guy.

John: I am your brother.

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Johanna: So you can be bad?

[74]John: Since I am your brother if I am bad you cannot be good either.

The mediator needed to intervene but she did not know how to. The facilitator

stopped the role-playing at this point and suggested that she work with their five

aggregates respectively. The facilitator further suggested other strategies to

handle their conflict.

The mediator attempted to use the “I” message model to reframe the parties’

five aggregates as suggested by the facilitator. The mediator was not successful in

reframing the fourth Aggregate of Johanna into a relationship and resource conflict

initially but was moving the parties towards a common ground of family bonding

which they agreed to as both of them did not want to disappoint their parents by

fighting over the said property.

Episode 2

(a) The mediator was listening to the parties’ storytelling. They had their different

perspectives but new perspectives were introduced; they both wanted this

problem solved because they both had lost their jobs and both were concerned

about financial arrangements. [114].” You both want to have the problem solved.

And you have both lost the job and concern about the financial arrangement.

(b) The mediator ended this stage of the mediation process by setting the agenda

with the parties. The issues were about “financial arrangement, living arrangement

and also the relationship issue.” John was still resistant by responding negatively

to the issue of the living accommodation [117].

John: We don’t have living arrangement problem because I have three flats.

The mediator was quick to appreciate the need to use the process skill to prevent

an impasse by suggesting a separate meeting with each party.

(c) Under the BM Model, the reversal of the first and second links was explored with

the facilitation of the mediator. The parties’ sankhara, as mentioned above,

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were reframed into issues of mutual concern. They were still ignorant of their

aggregates and the mediator reframed the parties’ experience with the Five

ARM:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – Johanna helped John when he first arrived in Hong Kong

by giving him a place to live and finding him a job. When Johanna needed to

apply for public housing, John helped Johanna out by holding the property in his

name on her behalf.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – Johanna was angry with John for refusing to give her

back her property. John was frustrated that Johanna did not appreciate his help

in holding the property for her.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – Both recognized that they were born siblings and accepted

that they must help each other out.

The mediator pointed out their common ground: “you both don’t want to

disappoint the parent and want to continue the family bond.[112]”. By reframing

their differences on the property issue to a common goal, the parties recognized

their shared grief of disappointing their parents and became selfless in their goal

of settlement. Their sanna became wholesome when they recognized the

suffering, selflessness and impermanence of phenomenal existence.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara –They both needed to rebuild their family relationship,

expand financial resources and work out the accommodation arrangements of the

parties including their family members.

The mediation reframed the parties’ sankara into mutual needs and concerns

which formed the basis of the Agenda for discussion in the next Stage of the

mediation process:

114].” You both want to have the problem solved. And you have both lost the job

and concern about the financial arrangement.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – Both were unaware of their aggregates until the

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mediator reframed their sanna and sankhara.

Stage 2

Separate Meeting with John

Episode 1

(a) The process of change had moved to the stage of looking for solutions with the

party individually.

(b) The mediator used the strategy of separate meetings to explore options with

John. The mediator created doubt about whether it would be in his best interest to

keep the two properties both in his name, bearing in mind that his wife might seek

divorce and claim the properties as part of the financial settlement. The mediator

also used risk analysis with him by checking with him what his Best Alternative to a

Negotiated Agreement (BATNA) was and what his Worst Alternative to a Negotiated

Agreement (WATNA) was.

(c) Under the BM Model, the mediator explored with John his five aggregates:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – He had separated from his wife with whom he had no

contact. He was not giving any financial support to his wife or son. He had

two properties in his own name. If his wife decided to divorce him, which was

quite possible, his wife could claim his properties as part of a financial

settlement.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – He was afraid that his wife might get the properties and

he was worried that he would be homeless.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – He recognized that it would be a big risk for him to keep

the properties in his name.

The mediator used risk analysis to reframe his perception [144] so that the risk

of John’s wife divorcing him and what kind of outcome that would bring was made

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aware by John:

Mediator: How is the relationship with your wife except no talking? You must be

separated legally.

John: We haven’t applied for separation.

Mediator: But there is a possibility.

John: She can of course.

[140]M: You have not thought about that?

John: No

Mediator: What is the worse alternative to this negotiated agreement, what if it does

happen?

John: What do you think?

Mediator: She may claim your house and other properties possibly. Have you ever

thought about that because you have two flats under your name there may be financial

implication.

[145]John: No. you mean she will get two flats?

Mediator: Possibly or at least one or you may have to pay a huge amount to the lawyer.

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – He wanted to negotiate with Johanna so that he could

keep a roof over his head and have some financial security out of the properties

without owning them legally. “I need a place to live, Johanna must arrange about

my stay in the flat. She must put it in the agreement because I assign the house to her

husband. And he needs to talk to my wife asking her not to occupy the whole flat so

that half of the flat will be let and I will get the rental for half of the flat, some money

for my own use.[160]”

(The mediator created doubt about his obsession (eight to tenth links) with holding

onto two properties.)

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e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – He was unaware of the above aggregates until the

mediator facilitated him to reflect on his underlying needs and interests under the

fourth Aggregate above. A new awareness dawned on him when the mediator

reframed his perception of the risk of divorce with his wife. He became more

open to change than before regarding the property issue. He moved from an

ignorant and selfish stand point to a mutual gain stand point by hoping for a

win/win outcome that would fit the needs of both his wife and Johanna. He also

recognized the reality of suffering or potential danger that he was in at the moment

and shifted from the resistance of discussing the housing issue to accepting the

value of negotiation.

Separate meeting with Johanna

Eipsode 2

(a) For the process of change, Johanna explored options to resolve her conflict with

John. She became clearer on what she really want to achieve.

(b) The mediator used the separate meeting with Johanna to reality-check with her

what was in her best interests. Her best and worst scenarios were explored and she

became aware of what solutions would fit mutual needs. She was aware of the risk

of John’s wife divorcing him and the consequences. Options to satisfy

accommodation and financial needs of all her family members were also explored.

Short term and long term arrangements to resolve the properties’ ownership were

discussed.

(c) The mediator explored the five aggregates with Johanna:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – John’s wife and son were living in the said property. She

took care of them because John had not done so. His wife respected her.

Despite past troubles, she had good relations with her husband who was

supportive of her. They had a son who was not yet 18.

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b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She was worried that John might force his wife and son

from the said property and spent the proceeds of sale after selling the same.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She recognized that if the wife divorced John she might

claim the property. She would not consider her a family member if she divorced

John [213].

Johanna: Wife is family member only if they are married.

(The mediator created doubt about Johanna’s perception about John’s wife.)

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted to keep the properties within the family.

She wanted to generate income from the property and to provide accommodation

for John’s wife and son. She would help John if the goal was to keep the

properties within the family.

(The mediator reframed her obsessions, eighth to tenth links, from insisting that

John surrender the said property to her into helping him for mutual gain.)

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – She was not aware of her aggregates until the mediator

facilitated her to look at the best, the worst and the probable scenario for

resolving the conflict with John, thereby reversing the active karmic process of

the eighth to tenth links and then the passive karmic process of third to seventh

links. Johanna had experienced the shift to a new awareness which was more

open to solution-building.

Stage 3

Second Joint Meeting

Episode 1

(a) The mediator guided the parties to the last stage of process of change and they

decided what the plan of action should be in order to resolve their conflict.

(b) The mediator started the joint session by referring them back to the issues.

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The mediator put down the options on the white board generated by the parties

relating to each of the issues. The parties were keen to negotiate the

settlement to fit their mutual gain. The mediator reality-checked with them

whether some of the options were realistic such as reminding them that setting

up a family trust or company to hold the properties would be too costly in the

long run.

(c) Under the BM Model, the parties were reworking the final process of 11th and

12 links with the Five ARM:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – Both parties were ready to settle the dispute and to

negotiate on the agenda items:

Mediator: First, the financial resource, second, the living arrangement and the third,

the relationship issue. About the first issue, both of you want to expand the family

resources. Do you have any idea? Why don’t you (to John) tell Johanna about how to

expand family resource?

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – Both parties were keen and relieved to negotiate the

settlement.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – Both parties recognized that they needed to keep the

family bond and help each other out in sorting out the properties’ ownership and

share the financial resources from the rental income.

(The mediator facilitated the parties to acknowledge each other’s role in

resolving their conflict: “I always respect you as a big sister, maybe we can also

make some arrangement about the flat I own because I assign the flat to your

husband. If I assign my flat to him as well on condition that I can stay there

permanently, what do you think? It is a package [255].”)

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – The parties negotiated the settlement for the rental

income of $1500 payable to John from Johanna’s property. The properties were

now registered in John’s name and would need to be transferred to Johanna’s

husband’s name. Johanna’s family would remain living in government housing.

John would remain occupying his own property. John’s wife would stay in

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Johanna’s property until she had alternative housing if she divorced from John.

The mediator reality-checked the options proposed by the parties to ensure that

the final settlement was realistic and fit their needs:

John: Is my wife living the whole flat?

Johanna: You are not taking her back to your flat?

[230]John: You asked her to stay in your flat. You keep her.

Mediator: Johanna, do you agree on John’s proposal to rent out part of the flat?

Johanna: If John transfers the flat back to me or my husband, then I agree.

John: I keep the rental

Johanna: It depends on the money.

[235]Mediator (to John): You mentioned about $1,500 earlier what you think the

amount you will get from the rent.

John: How about I keep $1,500 and you keep the rest?

Johanna: So we have to set up some partition before we rent. Are you willing to share

the renovation fee because we can rent out the bigger room?

Mediator (to John): Are you willing to pay?

John: I don’t have money.

[240](Facilitator: Write down as an option and work out later.)

Mediator (to John): You are willing to share the renovation fee.

John: But she pays first.

Mediator: And he will pay you back later. (To Johanna) You agree on this? Each of you

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will share 50/50?

Johanna: Yes half and half.

[245]Mediator: John pays back by installment for how many months?

Johanna: Subject to the quotation.

Mediator: Within how many months?

John: Deducted $1,500 from the rent from the first payment until the 50% is pay off.

Mediator: On how to expand family resource. Do you have any idea?

[250]John: You need to talk to my wife.

Johanna: I will inform her because I can tell her to go.

John: You will do the talking.

Johanna: Right.

Mediator: Johanna will talk to John’s wife.

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – The parties were much clearer about what they wanted

and how they would achieve what they wanted after the exploration of their

aggregates as mentioned above. The reverse of the 11th and 12 links was

complete when the parties reworked the past conflict to look to future solutions.

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “ BM: a


The mediation in her journal mentioned the following feedback from the parties:

“Post mediation assessment

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Self Analysis:

In the beginning, I did try to neutralize their sentences, in later part; it was rather

difficult because things get too complicated so I got lost. Also, I am unfamiliar with the

procedure. And I was stuck at some points, unable to ask good questions to clarify the

situations.

Parties Analysis:

Johanna: She is very patient with us. Find her very comforting and accommodating,

but she needs to be more assertive and be quick to catch the new proposals. She misses

the proposal a few times. She did a systematic presentation of the agreement.

John: She projects an image that she can be trusted. Give impression that she is very

helpful. She could have interrupted us earlier because the quarrel did not help. I think

being a mediator can call for recess when necessary so that the mind gets clear.

Facilitator: She did very well in the beginning by putting the record straight and

creating doubt. Reframing is good until they started to repeat themselves. In the

second session, she should work on reframing and highlight the common ground, the

use the Five Aggregate model is important.

To sum up, I think the Five Aggregates model has indeed helped me a lot in making

sense of the things around me. Apart from the constructive impact it plays in the

mediation session, I believe it is a valuable tool for us to gain the wisdom in pursuing

the middle way – the truth.”

According to the debriefing as recorded above, the student/mediator learned

how to improve on her skills in reframing with the Five ARM. She reflected that she

was lost in the midst of the argument between the parties and was not able to ask

good questions. Her style was facilitative throughout. She tried to ask questions

and create doubt with the parties when she wanted to propose a new perspective in

their perception (third Aggregate) or obsessive positions (fourth Aggregate).

However, she did not use the complete “I” statement format in reframing the parties’

five aggregates except in the beginning of the process. In future, more practice of

the skills of reframing with the Five ARM need to be emphasized in the BM course.

Although the student/mediator understood my instructions during the coaching of the

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role-playing, she could not perform many of my suggestions. It is understandable

from the point of view that it happens to most students of mediation when they are

being coached as mediators for the first time. My instructions and analysis of the

five aggregates of the parties made sense to the student/mediator because she

accepted the value of the analysis and moved on with the process with the

understanding of the five aggregates of the parties. In her self-reflection, she

valued the Five ARM as a personal growth process of gaining wisdom from the

Buddhist perspective:

“To sum up, I think the Five Aggregates model has indeed helped

me a lot in making sense of the things around me. Apart from the

constructive impact it plays in the mediation session, I believe it is a

valuable tool for us to gain the wisdom in pursuing the middle

way – the truth.”

The analysis of the role-playing exercise confirms the practice of reframing by

using the Five ARM as an intervention during the mediation process However,

from the analysis of the transcript, it is not clear whether the use of the Five ARM in

the format of the ‘I’ message model is essential in establishing the effectiveness of the

intervention. One thing can be established from the analysis: it is helpful to analyze

the case from the perspectives of the five aggregates when the mediator is lost in the

process.

Conclusion:

From the theoretical point of view, the BM Model can be justified by being

compared to the process of change and the mediation process. Using the five

aggregates to describe what has happened in the session gives a clearer picture of

the internal experiences of the parties as well as identifying their perception or

obsession that needs to be reframed. If the third Aggregate and the fourth

Aggregate are grasped from the conversation between the mediator and the parties,

the direction for reframing will become clear. However, unless the mediator

consciously practices the analysis by Five ARM, the reframing will be done by

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following the process of mediation which sets out the stages of mediation and what

the tasks of the mediator are for those stages (Boulle, 1996). The micro-skills of

questioning can be internalized by practice but the direction of intervention needs to

be done by relying on the theory of the diagnosis of conflict (Moore, 1994). By

combining the theories of the process of change, mediation process and the five

aggregates and the 12 links, the coaching of the role-playing is easier for the teacher

and the students including the role-players and the observers. We all get a chance

to discuss the internal and the external experiences of the parties in conflict and are

able to plan our intervention as we understand the parties better with the wider

scope of a theoretical basis from the objective to the subjective aspects of the

disputants’ psychology.

(End of Essay 2)

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6.3 Essay 3 (Role Play 3) The student’s profile:

Age: 43

Degree: Bachelor of Arts / The University of Hong Kong (1987)

Others: Diploma in Marketing and International Business

Occupation: Marketing / Public Relations

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” “BM: a


The student used a particular language in describing the affinity between

Solution-focused brief therapy and the BM Model:

“The affinity between BFTC and the Buddhist teachings can be strongly felt.

While BFTC focuses on discovering ways to help the disputants to reach solutions,

the Buddhist training of gives us access to focus on the present moment. It is in the

present moment that any transformation change can begin. Perceived realities of

conflicting parties are checked and doubted. Then with skilful means, the

mediator helps the conflicting parties to at that present moment during the

mediation process, bringing constructive energy so that solutions desired by both

parties can be formulated.”

Firstly, there was the language of a constructivist: co-create a new reality;

secondly, the language of a Buddhist: mindfulness; skilful means;focus on the

present moment. Both languages combined to bring about a new language in

describing the BM Model : constructive energy which “provides such a dynamic

and enriching present moment for both conflicting parties to come for

transformation.”

The student described the skills of the BM Model:

“In order to elucidate the real interests and needs between parties in conflict,

there is a very fundamental attitude that a mediator should adopt: the skill of Not

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Knowing. I think it is comparable to the Buddhist attitude of mindfulness practice.

It is the beginner’s mind, a mind that is willing to see everything as if for the first

time. It is a fresh awareness for the arising of each present moment “without the

attitude of criticizing and judging, or discriminating between right and wrong, or

good or bad. It is only with such open and non-judging attitude that the mediator

is able to communicate with an abundantly open and genuine curiosity about the

actual state as informed by the client. Instead of conveying preconceived opinions

and expectations about the client, the problem or what must be changed or

resolved, the mediator needs to fill every moment with the wish of wanting to

know more about what has been said.”

The student wrote an accurate account of what the five aggregates were and

how they were related to the BM Model:

“Then we were introduced to the Buddhist model of the composite of a human

being – the Five Aggregates. According to the teachings of the Buddha, a human

being in terms of body and mind can be reduced to only the five aggregates and

nothing more. These five groups of elements can be briefly summarized as follows:

1. First Aggregate: Matter or Form (RUpakkhandha)

2. Second Aggregate: Sensation, Emotion and Feeling (VedanAkkhandha)

3. Third Aggregate: Recognition or Perception (SaJJAkkhandha)

4. Fourth Aggregate: Volition or karmic activities (SaJkhArakkhandha)

5. Fifth Aggregate: Consciousness (ViJJANkkhandha)

While the First Aggregate entails a certain degree of objective reality, the Second

to the Fifth Aggregate all refer to mental aggregates, i.e. our complete mental

activities. Therefore these four mental aggregates have potential to be transformed

and free from biases, while the first aggregate of objective reality cannot.

Corresponding to the law of dependent origination, the five aggregates are in a

constant flux of change necessary conditions obtain.

With this basic understanding of the Five Aggregates, we were further introduced

to an innovative correlation between them and the 12 links of Dependent

Origination as established by Boisvert M. in his book The Five Aggregates –

Understanding TheravAda Psychology and Soteriology:

Correlation between the 12 links of Dependent Origination and the Five Aggregates

Elements of the 12 links of Dependent Origination Corresponding Aggregate

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Consciousness (vinnANa) vinnANa (the 4th Aggregate)

Mind and matter (nAmarUpa) the five aggregates

The six sense doors (saLAyatanA) rUpa (the 1st Aggregate)

Sensory stimuli (phassa) rUpa (the 1st Aggregate)

Sensation (vedanA) vedanA (the 2nd Aggregate)

sannA (the 3rd Aggregate)

Craving (taNhA) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

Clinging (upAdAna) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

Becoming (bhava) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

This correlation contributes greatly to providing insights for intervention in

mediation. Most conflicts arise as a result of, firstly, our recognition of the

situation, and then the formation of our attachment to our views of the situation.

From the correlation above, we can see the processes of craving, clinging and

becoming are all correlated to the fourth aggregate of saJkhAra, i.e. our volition

in the form of physical acts or mental formation. For transformation to happen,

mediators will find it useful to attempt to analyze and identify the parties’ mental

states using the five aggregates, and subsequently try to find ways for

transformation to take place particularly at the levels of the 3rd and 4th aggregates,

which are where perception and obsession are being formed.”

The student commented on the approach of BM Model as follows:

“A Buddhist approach of mediation is to treat the present causative patterns as

the basic reality. Reference to the past lets us understand them better, of course,

but we should not think that the causes of the conflict are in the past. The causes

with most influence are those in current perceptions, feelings and fantasies. This

has profound implications for mediation. The events of the past have power only

as long as they are linked with self in the present. Greater detachment by the party,

and a shift in attitude by the other in response, can cause the edifice of bitter

conflict to come tumbling down.”

Research Question 2: What did the student “do” about “ BM: a


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The student/mediator did a role-playing exercise that she wrote a transcript and

commentary of. The case scenario was as follows:

Joe and Carrie have spent two weeks in Hong Kong doing all the preparation for their

transfer to Hong Kong (house, school hunting, learn about the cost of living, etc).

They have found a lovely 2,500 sq.ft. apartment in mid-levels. A good size for a family

of 4, plus a maid and 2 dogs. It is close to work, school, and all the extra curricular

activities the kids would be taking. The complex has great amenities: tennis court,

swimming pool and a gym. However the rent was $8,000 over the company budget. The

same size apartment in Tai Tam came within budget but came with less amenities and

longer commuting time. Therefore Joe insisted on the company paid for the apartment

at mid-level.

The Browns inquired about the cost of tennis and karate lessons for their kids. To their

surprise, the cost of lessons was three times the price more than in the States. The

company was not responsible for expenses of the children’s extra curricular activities.

Joe demanded the company paid for the difference.

Even the company would pay for the transportation of all the pets, they would not be

responsible for the pet’s quarantine, which amount to a couple thousand dollars. Joe

felt the company should be responsible for the whole deal.

The school tuition was $10,000 over the budget. Joe felt it is important for the kids to

get quality education and refused to pay the difference.

The company has a rule that 2 expatriate families would share a car. Joe felt that with

his wife’s active involvement in the community and the need to chauffeur the kids, he

needs one car for his family.

He approached Mary with all these requests. Mary found Joe’s requests were

numerous and too unreasonable. She feared that once she granted Joe’s requests, it

would open a floodgate and set bad precedent for the other expatriates. Joe was furious

that Mary turned down his requests and reported to the President that Mary is

insensitive to people who made personal sacrifices to work overseas and that her

mannerism was rude and authoritative. As senior executive, the company should be

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able to make exceptions for him.

The following is the analysis of the transcript of the role play:

Stage 1: What’s going on?

Or what is the problem?

Or what is the Past temporal division of the 12 links?

(a) In the beginning of the process of change, the parties need to exchange their

stories.

(b) The mediator in the first stage of the process of mediation needs to identify the

problem.

(c) In the BM Model, the mediator needs to assess the parties’ five aggregates.

In this role-play, the mediator was unable to stay neutral right from the

beginning of the process. When Mary was asked about what she thought of the

package for the expatriate:

Mary: Yes, it’s a basic package, but I would say it’s better than basic. When you

compare with other companies, it’s so much better.

Joe’s response to Mary was:

Joe: First of all, I am not a basic worker. I am a senior executive. I’m one of the

best that the company has hired. I have to be treated differently from the other

average workers. HK is definitely not an average city. It’s an expensive city. Yes, I

was informed of the package before I came to HK, but when I come here and

know the situation, this package basically does not meet our really basic needs.

We are not asking for golden thing. We are just asking for some basic things. I’m

here to work for the benefit of the company. It’s the company’s responsibility to

make sure the executives are happy especially when they are working abroad.

They suffer from more stress. The company has to be more supportive. That’s my

views of the case.

M: According to Mary’s information, your package is already above normal.

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The above response was inappropriate as commented from her own commentary:

“Inappropriate as it reflects judgment. It gives the client impression that the mediator

is defending for Mary, representing the company.”

The mediator put the parties in a defensive situation and was not mindful of

what they were experiencing in their five aggregates:

Joe: But HK is above normal. I’m already making big concession here. Back in

the U.S., I have a much bigger apartment. In fact here the living space is just half

of what I have in the U.S. So I’m making effort to meet the baseline. The things I

am asking for now are very basic and they should be taken care of, so that I can

work normally and do my best for the company.

The mediator was unable to dislodge the parties’ positions and they were

entrenched in a value conflict:

Mary: When we consider the package for our expatriate staff, we did consider

that they come from abroad. It’s not easy for them. So we have actually given

them special allowance on that. I would say it’s rather unfair to compare the

physical environment here with the U.S. For normal people here, we live in flats

of 500 – 600 sq.ft. You can’t compare with the living environment of the U.S. If

people get stuck on this point, you will never get satisfied. Situation in HK is

totally different. It’s such a small city. You have to change yourself in order to

adapt to the new environment.

The mediator in her own commentary reflected that she should have done the

following:

“Reframe and highlight common grounds, e.g. Joe’s aim of making all

these requests is simply to make him concentrate and work better for the

company, instead of asking feedback from Mary right away.”

The following is the transcript with the coach’s interruptions, demonstrating

how the BM Model was taught to the mediator in the role-playing exercise. The

language used by the coach was specific to the BM Model and represented the

application of the Five ARM as an intervention and a way of hypothesizing the

conflict within the BM Model.

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When the coach asked the mediator what Joe’s first aggregate was, the mediator

told the coach what Joe was asking for (fourth aggregate). As suggested by the

coach, the mediator then realized that the first aggregate was the objective reality for

Joe: “He is now in a new place and he finds the cost of living is higher than he

expected.”- the statement was already objectively describing the situation and

neutralizing the conflict between Joe and Mary.

By asking how Joe was feeling and thinking, the coach suggested that the

second and third aggregates were as follows: “he thinks the company is

mistreating him as senior executive. He says he is not a normal staff, he is a

senior executive. He feels the company has mistreated him. He came to Hong

Kong and felt being let down by the company. What is his fourth aggregate?

What does he want now? “

The fourth aggregate was that“He wants to be treated fairly by insisting on

an increase of the allowance for accommodation, a separate car, tuition fees for

his children, etc.”

The coach then highlighted the common ground and pointed out that their

interests would need to be explored: “highlight the common ground. Of course the

ultimate thing is to create doubt of the fourth aggregate. What is in the best

interest? What are the real interests? What are the accommodation needs?

Unless he knows what his interests are, where he lives would make a

difference .”

Once the mediator successfully reframed the opening statement of Joe with the

five aggregates, Joe was happy to respond: “Exactly exactly. That is the problem I

have. I’m a family man I have to take care of my family. We are talking about

rather a small sum of money from a big company.”

The mediator made an inappropriate remark:

“Now what I can see is that although Joe you have your requests to make, and

Mary you have your standpoint to keep, you both have some basic common

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grounds to work on. You both work in the same company. Joe as a new staff to

HK, and Mary is supposed to look after you…”

The mediator in her commentary made the following remark: “ (better to

highlight you are both working for the same company in the best interest of the

company, etc etc. with such common goal, perhaps we could explore how we can find

resources and solutions to meet Joe’s needs while at the same time meeting budgetary

needs of Mary…)”

Coach interruption

Coach Mediator, why don’t you reframe Mary’s views as well

so that at least you can summarize and package some

common goals before you move onto further

questioning. That more you drive on, the more you will

be discovering some needs. What are the needs in terms

of accommodation, for his children and his wife? But I

think you need to summarize what is exactly perceived

by the company so that at least there is common ground

before you explore and set agenda.

Mediator Mary, with the arrival of Joe to HK, you need to look

after his needs in HK, and you also need to look after

the company’s budget. Is that your situation?

Mary Yes.

Mediator Now what I can see is that although Joe you have your

requests to make, and Mary you have your standpoint

to keep, you both have some basic common grounds to

work on. You both work in the same company. Joe as a

new staff to HK, and Mary is supposed to look after

you… (better to highlight you are both working for the

same company in the best interest of the company, etc

etc. with such common goal, perhaps we could explore

how we can find resources and solutions to meet Joe’s

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needs while at the same time meeting budgetary needs

of Mary…

Joe She is not doing a good job…

Coach interruption

Coach Reframe now as he is saying she is not doing a good

job. Unless you reframe you couldn’t _____ both

(18:53) How can you reframe?

Mediator My mind is blank.

Coach Help her. Now he said “she is not doing her job”. She is

supposed to look after his needs, but she is not doing a

good job. How about starting the reframing that I

mentioned earlier: when your requests are not met, I

can understand that you feel very frustrated because

sometimes the company budget puts a limitation on

how the HR Department can function. There is a limit

that the HR Manager can operate on. I’m using the “I

Message” model, remember? When the objective

reality…

Mediator When your requests are not met immediately, so you

feel frustrated is understandable. While Mary,

representing the company, has a budget to work within

her jurisdiction. It is understandable that you feel

frustrated. However you both work for the same

company, I’m sure you both work for the benefits of

the company. So now the issue here is about Joe’s

remuneration package in HK, is that correct? (both

nodded) and how to help Joe to integrate into the new

life in HK.

Joe That’s a very nice way to put it. But I am having a little

doubt. Yes. We both work for the same company. But

whether we both understand what is the bigger

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contribution to the company, whether to save a couple

of thousand dollars, or to achieve the goals of ----

(22:14) I understand that HR has a budget, but maybe

this budget is not allocated as the company should have

allocated in order to achieve this goal (Joe’s words

became inaudible here). For this I am doubtful of...

Basically I don’t believe that there is the issue of

money. I think they haven’t understood the situation

thoroughly.

Mediator is money the main concern?

Joe Yes, money is the main concern, but I am also having

doubts why this money denies me. Whether Mary

actually understands what her work assignments should

be, and what she should be concerned about. what is

significant for the company. As you said nicely that we

are both working for the benefit of this company. I am

not doubting that. I am asking for the money

specifically for that, not for my interests, but for the

interest of the company as well, …for me to be able to

work better for this company. (Joe spoke while tapping

the pen on the desk – signs of discontent)

Reframe or

summarize

Joe’s words

here: You think

if your

accommodation

and other needs

are met

properly then

you will be

able to serve

the company

better and bring

more benefits

to the company.

Mediator Mary you heard what Joe said.

Mary I have repeated many times that we have set the budget

in the first place and we think it is good enough. Also

we have to follow the rules. If someone come to me

today and I said okay you get whatever you want, and

then tomorrow another person come to me and ask for

the same thing… it is not good for the company.

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Joe how many vice-presidents do we have?

Mediator Please don’t interrupt Joe.

Mary The issue is not about the few thousand dollars. It’s the

rules we have to follow. It’s approved by the President.

You can’t just come up and ask for whatever you want.

Joe It’s not whatever I want. They are just basic needs. It’s

nothing magic about these requests. It’s totally

respectful and ordinary expectations for a company that

I am working for, and for such a job I am in.

Coach Where are you now in the process? Have you identified

the issues? What are the issues? From the first analysis

based on the five aggregates, the fourth aggregate for

Joe is that he makes a list of demands. Whereas Mary

sticks with the budget. So how can you change that?

How to create doubt? How can you transform it into a

topic that they can both contribute? He is new to HK.

Does he really know what his needs are? He has some

specific needs and Mary is here to help him achieve

those needs. What are his needs? He is just quantifying

it in terms of money. He just wants this apartment. But

what is his priority? What are his needs? What is the

difference between living in Tai Tam and living in the

other apartment in mid-levels. How does it affect him?

(Floor: he talks about his family. He wants to maintain

some living standard for his wife and kids.) The key

now is to create doubt and challenge their obsessions,

each of them. Maybe one way to challenge him is not

to stick with the increase of X amount of dollars.

Instead try to stick to his real needs. Then how does

that X amount of money fit these needs? Then that

would fit the needs of both. There is no need for a

private session at this point because there is nothing for

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you to facilitate negotiation yet. Now you need to

frame the agenda. How can you reframe their needs

now? You have to look at it this way – this case is about

lack of resource. So you have to have an overall

package. So there are a lot of things to trade, the 2 cars,

the 2 dogs, the children, etc. This is a good case to use

the board. Mediator perhaps you could stand next to the

board and list out his demands, then translate each of

the demand into a basic need. It is better if we can

visualize the demands and needs and options as well as

the amount of money requires. Ask Joe to list out the

things he needs in HK

The mediator was coached to use the “I” Message model, which was similar to

the Five ARM as previously discussed with the group. After the mediator reframed

the conflict situation with the Five ARM, the parties both nodded in approval but the

mediator did not continue the process by mutualizing their concerns.

The mediator made a statement that only pointed to one party and it back fired:

“how to help Joe to integrate into the new life in HK.”

The coach became more involved as the mediator became disengaged with the

process. The parties were not being facilitated to think about what would be in

their interests but were getting more positional and could not get out of their mode of

feeling, thinking and demands (their clinging aggregates). The mediator was asked

to make a chart of the demands on the white board.

The coach was resistant to the request from the floor that the mediator should

talk to Mary as the HK Manageress:” It seems the mediator is doing the job of the

HR manager.” The coach was trying very hard to lead the mediator through the

process and the more the coach intervened, the more the mediator lost control of the

process. The coach insisted on continuing to negotiate with Joe: “No, it’s the

mediator’s job to help them to achieve a creative package. Let’s look at the

intervention for scarcity of resource. We have to have a global settlement. So we

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have to trade.”

“There must be a reason why the company has chosen Tai Tam for Joe. I don’t

understand why the mediator seems to be representing the company with questions

that Mary, the HR manager, should be answering.” The comments from the floor

could no longer be ignored and the coach had to respond to the request: “Good

question. Good point. Since you are now negotiating under one agenda item. Now

you are like a conductor. Make them talk. E.g. “Mary, can you tell Joe how living in

Tai Tam will fit his needs?”, and “how would living in mid-levels fit his needs?”

How would that be compared? Since you are in business in HK for so long, Joe

would need some inputs from Mary. I can see Joe is nodding his head. He really

doesn’t know that much. Can you do that? Mediator, you better sit down. Body

language is important. You are not in control. Sit down. Act like a conductor. Convey

body language.”

When the coach was losing control of the process, the mediator was disengaged

and was dragging on with the role-playing exercise which failed to demonstrate how

the BM Model and the Five ARM could be used in the mediation process.

The coaching for this role-play brought up a few issues regarding the BM Model.

Firstly, when the mediator was not in control of the generic process, it was difficult

to coach him in the BM Model. With the analysis of the Five ARM, the mediator

had to be consistent in repeating the exploration. It would be difficult to apply the

BM Model successfully, when the mediator consistently made inappropriate remarks

of judgment immediately after a reframe by using the Five ARM. The parties’

observation, feeling, thinking and needs and interests would need to be explored

throughout the process.

Mediator Perhaps I didn’t sufficiently create that awareness for

negotiating.

Floor You can say Joe if you continue to press for all your needs,

the company may not be able to meet them, what would you

do?

20:00

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Coach Need to check with Mary as well…his interest is not in

conflict with the company. When a company is expanding,

what difference does it make to top up…When we do our

hypothesis, we think Mary is very attached to the budget.

But we need to check it with her in the private session. After

all if a company is expanding...

May be in the opening remark you need to add something

like ‘I am sure you both have different needs to meet. The

solution will suit both of your needs, but it may not be

entirely what you want.’ That’s what mediators say in their

opening speech. So we are preparing them for the third

solution, not his solution, not her solution, the third solution.

Then they are prepared to budge right at the beginning.

Mediator M: Joe is very much in his role.

Joe Yes, when I was sitting as an audience I find the requests are

outrageous. But when I sit here and speak, I get more and

more worked up. I am actually believing it…

Coach Yes. Because you are doing it from his perspective. Let’s

continue next time.

Due to time constraint, this role-play did not continue any further after this point.

The student/mediator’s self-reflection on the role-playing exercise:

“Reflections on the Role-play in which I was the Mediator

The transcription process is painful as it is rather embarrassing to see how

incompetent I was during the mediation process. However during the process of

transcribing, I noticed so much that I previously missed. In fact the

transcription process provides me with a private occasion of more intensive

learning.”

The diagnosis of the conflict is that basically it’s a conflict about resources, i.e.

it’s a competition over matters of substantive value. Attempts should be made to

expand existing resources; to emphasize mutual interests (common ground); and

to develop integrative solutions (a global package).

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From this review, I have noticed the following that require much effort for

improvement:

1. After both parties gave their opening statements, I did not attempt to summarize

their versions of the problems. Instead, I immediately asked both parties to give

their comments on each other.

2. I was not able to stay neutral throughout, particularly not being able to apply the

skills of Not Knowing – as I must have biased against the over-demanding

expatriate staff right from the beginning as I read from the brief of the case. There

were several occasions I was kind of trying to persuade him to accept the existing

offer of the company. The following is one of the examples:

Joe Yes. It’s somewhere in Tai Tam. I can’t even pronounce the

name. I’ve no idea where it is. how can I get to the workplace.

How can I live in such a remote place. My kids need to go to

school. My wife has important voluntary work.

Mediator Tai Tam is quite a nice place.

Joe But it is not as convenient as the other one. You know I have a

responsible job. It takes a lot of time. I can’t afford time to

think about pay less and live somewhere far.

3. I failed to grab golden opportunities for reframing emotions and establish common

grounds between both parties:

Mediator How do you feel the joint session going so far?

Joe I see a lot of pressure on me. I see the management just

sitting there. If I may say so you seem to defend for her and

take her points and pressurize me to give up some of my

reasonable requests. I’m coming half way round the world to

here. They can’t dump me in remote places in HK and I have

to share a car with people I don’t know. This is not the right

way to treat vice-president like this. These requests are all

just reasonable requests.

I should have responded by reframing: “When you try to adapt to a new place

and then discover obstacles on the way, you feel frustrated and even mistreated.

Perhaps it is a good chance for us to explore all your concerns and needs in this private

285

session so that we can come up with solutions that really work in the joint session.”

4. I was not mindful about non-verbal body language, hence failing to address the

negative emotions underneath. Here is one of the moments:

Mediator Is money the main concern?

Joe Yes, money is the main concern, but I am also having doubts

why this money denies me. Whether Mary actually

understands what her work assignments should be, and what

she should be concerned about. What is significant for the

company? As you said nicely that we are both working for

the benefit of this company, I do not doubt that. I am asking

for the money specifically for that, not for my interests, but

for the interest of the company as well, for me to be able to

work better for this company. (Joe spoke while tapping the

pen hard on the desk – signs of discontentment)

I should have taken the chance to reframe and neutralize Joe’s words by saying:

“You think if your accommodation and other needs are met properly, then you will

be able to serve the company better and bring more benefits to the company.”

5. There were moments when I simply looked down at the paper on the desk. It was

obvious that I was not engaging. I did not look at the clients and was not mindful of

the situation, let alone paying active listening.

6. I was too aware of the coach and audience, thus not being able to conduct the flow

of the process mindfully.

7. Without mindfulness, I failed to bring the discussion of the list of needs in an

integrated fashion, hence making the client unable to see the point of connectedness

of his various needs.

The recognition that mindfulness was the most important skill for a Buddhist

Mediator was evident from the role-playing exercise and the self-reflection.

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “BM:

a transformative approach to conflict resolution”?

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“Last year I gave a summary dismissal to a staff who behaved in an

uncontrolled manner during an internal meeting with her superiors. Although

we had great trust in the work competence of the staff and was about to promote

her to a director’s post, the board decided to sack her after reviewing her

inappropriate display of emotional fits.

At this point of my journey of learning to become a Buddhist mediator, I think I

will have a different way of looking at and handling the above situation if I were

given the chance again. I will probably try to talk to her and find out

non-judgmentally that what was really in her mind when she acted out of

control. It may be time-consuming, but it will give both parties a chance to

understand each other. By understanding each other, transformation may take

place. We thought we would minimize the damage to the company by giving her

summary dismissal. It takes time and resources to nurture a staff into a position

that contributes to the development of a company. Her behaviour at that

particular meeting has totally clouded our perception of her contribution

towards the company.

I hope now that I am more equipped in terms of the skills in mediation and the

Buddhist teachings, I would be more skilful in neutralizing forces in conflicting

situations. The key is practice, practice and practice!!

As Chögyam Trungpa writes in his book The Sacred Path of the Warrior:

“The essence of warriorship, or the essence of human bravery, is refusing to give

up on anyone or anything.”

The student/mediator had developed some specific skills in handling conflict,

from learning the BM Model and the Five ARM. The practice of the BM Model and

the Five ARM was assessed in the BM course according to how much the student had

acquired in terms of self-reflective learning during the course. The

student/mediator was obviously not experienced in the basic skills of mediation and

was at a loss at times during the role-playing exercise. The student/mediator

specifically emphasized the skill of mindfulness, listening and not knowing in her

transition to becoming a Buddhist Mediator. The skill of reframing was also

highlighted in her self-reflection and the examples that she used as underlined above

have demonstrated her competency in applying the technique. Her goals for joining

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the BM course have been achieved:

“Although I am not in the field of social work or counseling, I have

noticed as a business owner that without skilful and effective means

of dealing with conflicts, situations often snowball and end

destructively with either the unhappy sacking of staff or

termination of contracts due to business disputes. I have therefore

taken this the course with the hope that it would enhance my skills

in both running business and managing life in general.”

Conclusion:

The coach did not made reference to the 12 links theory in the coaching of the

role-playing. In the future, the process of the 12 links and the mediation process

had to be integrated in the coaching. The chart and model of the BM developed in

this thesis would be used as a basis and referred to specifically in the coaching.

(End of Essay 3)

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6.4 Essay 4

Student Age: 47

Education: B.Soc. Sc (major in Social Work) of HKU in 1982

Employment: Retired social worker and family mediator

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” “BM: a transformative


“In this paper, I would like to discuss the Buddhist theories and practices in the

context of mediation. A real case of family mediation which I conducted in the past and

the role play exercise in the class will be cited and re-examined to illustrate the

application of Buddhist theories to the process of mediation. In the conclusion, some

reflections of learning of Buddhist mediation will be discussed.

“(I) Buddhist Theories and Practices in the Context of Mediation

The prime purpose of mediation is to find a solution to settle the unresolved

conflict. Buddhism looks at conflicts from a very different perspective other than

general mediation theories. I would discuss three main Buddhist theories which are

closely related to mediation. They are 1/the roots of conflict, 2/the arising of conflict

and 3/the psychology of conflicting parties.

“(A) The roots of conflict

From general theories of mediation, conflict is analyzed in terms of its nature as

“Data Conflict”, “Interest Conflict”, “Structural Conflict”, “Value Conflict” and

“Relationship Conflict”. The theories seldom go into the underlying causes of conflict.

Buddhism, however, studies the causes of conflict.

“From the Buddhist perspective, conflict, as one kind of human suffering, is

caused by the three racial roots of moral evils, named as akusala mula. There are three

types of akusala mula : Greed (lobha), Hatred (dosa) and Delusion (moha). They are the

roots of all self-centered desires. When two parties are interacting with the opposing

self-centered desires, conflict is inevitable.

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“If the conflict is related to the issues of sharing of interest, money and property,

‘Greed’ is usually the underlying cause. Greed manifests itself as the ‘selfish wants’.

The conflicting parties will mix-up their selfish ‘wants’ with the real ‘needs’. However,

“wants” & “needs” are very different in terms of negotiation because ‘needs’ are

easier to work as their nature is less self-centered than ‘wants’. Dealing with this

situation, mediator can help the conflicting parties “to reformulate (selfish) greed into

the (mindful) needs, and then to fashion agreement that responds to the needs of all”

[1].

“When conflict evolves, resentment or hostility is always present as well. These

feelings are corresponding to Hatred (Dosa). Negative emotion is often the most

destructive obstacle in mediation process. Under the influence of Dosa, the parties may

act irrational and strongly attach to their positions.

From the Buddhist perspective, angry or hatred is the reaction of being hurt. So, an

angry person is also a suffering people. Mediator has to be sensitive to these feelings

and is required to show compassion to console the wounded hearts before the mediation

can be carried on smoothly.

“The third kind of moral evil is ‘Delusion’. In general, people are very obsessed

with their own self image. When the ‘Self’ and the reality is in conflict, ‘Delusion’

(moha) will arise and distort the perception of reality in order to protect the concocted

concept of ‘Self’. It further gives rise to tension inside the person, which makes the

person prone to conflict with others. Hence, the mediator has to know what is the

concocted ‘Self” and how the ‘Self’ interpret the meaning of conflict. Only when the

mediator knows thoroughly the perception of both parties, the mediator can facilitate

the parties to communicate with each other.

“The understanding of the ‘Self’ concept of the parties is the key to enter the

world of the conflicting parties. Then, the mediator is looking at the conflict from inside

but not from outside; the mediator is together with the conflicting parties. By this sense

of ‘togetherness’ and understanding, the mediator shows the compassion and heal the

wounds hurt by the conflicts, which lead to the releasing of the anger and hatred

feelings. Without the hindrances of negative emotion, the mediator can help the

conflicting parties to distinguish their real needs and find the solution to solve the

conflict and meet the needs of all parties. An agreement can be reached in terms of

mediation and cessation of suffering is resulted in terms of Buddhism.”

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The writer writes about Christopher Moore’s (1995) Diagnosis of conflict in

mediation theory which categorizes conflict into: goals/objectives. information/data,

communication, resources, structural, relationship/emotional, values/principles.

“As Moore points out, most conflicts have multiple causes and require multiple

interventions on a trial and error basis.” (Boulle, 1996, p.41). The causes of

conflict are analyzed and described according to each category and possible

interventions and strategies are recommended in the general mediation theory. In

the BM course, the students were taught how to use the chart and apply this

diagnostic tool from the beginning of the mediation process. The students were

encouraged to design the intervention and strategies according to the initial

diagnosis.

What the writer talks about regarding Buddhist theory on the causes of conflict

that goes to the root of the conflict is actually the akusala-mula which means the

“unwholesome roots of action” according to McConnell (1995). These

unwholesome roots carry karmic effects (p.41):“The Buddha taught that all things,

mental and physical, are conditioned by earlier occurrences. Thus, to understand

an act of aggression, for example, we must look to previous mental and physical

events that created the state of mind from which the aggressive act was committed.”

These unwholesome roots of action are power behind the Karmic activities

(sankhara) under the twelve links (paticca-samuppada): “The akusala-mula describe

trends of mental activity entailing many cycles of the paticca-samuppada as patterns

of perception, feeling and behavior become established (p.41)”. The pattern of

perception, feeling and behavior can be analyzed by the five aggregates which

constitutes the notion of” self” at any one moment. In a conflict situation, suffering

is caused when the self-picture is attached to the” five clinging

aggregates”(pancupadana-kkhandha) and not the “bare” five aggregates

(pancakkhandha). Therefore, the writer emphasizes “The understanding of the

‘Self’ concept of the parties is the key to enter the world of the conflicting parties.”

Indeed, one of the major contributions of Buddhism is to complement the existing

theory of conflict resolution in the analysis of the conflict. Under the BM Model as

postulated in this thesis, the practice of the mediation process will focus on the

analysis of the conflicting parties’ internal experiences according to the Five ARM.

In doing so the writer comments that “the mediator is looking at the conflict from

inside but not from outside”. The intervention of reframing is used in the context of

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the “five clinging aggregates” of the disputants. During the mediation process, the

mediator is guided according to the direction proposed as possible interventions and

strategies under Christopher Moore’s Sphere of Diagnosis of Conflict in effecting the

appropriate hypothesis for reframing of the five aggregates. The mediator

combines the tools of the general theory of mediation and the Five ARM so that the

mediator can better understand their conflict from the psychic and the outer levels.

The relationship between conflict and greed is that one becomes more attached

to the object when the conflict makes uncertain the pleasurable feeling of possession

of the object as “mine”.

Dosa (hatred) refers to the disposition towards ill will or resentment in a

relationship (p.56). Under the twelve links, the arising of dosa is from contact

(phassa) with an enemy that brings the feeling (vedana) of surprise, insecure and

anger. Recognizing (sanna) that the enemy is going to harm the self or self-picture,

the desire (tanha) for revenge arises. There is a need to destroy (upadana) the

enemy and preserve (bhava) our self or self-picture.

Moha (delusion) occurs at the point of clinging (upadana) under the twelve

links when we produce a self-picture which becomes the object of grasping. The

self-picture is not real because reality is impermanent, self-less and characterized

with suffering and the delusion comes from being unaware of the nature of existence.

In a conflict situation, the combination of greed and delusion makes the

disputants become “obsessed with gain or loss in the blind belief that, somehow,

getting what is desired will bring happiness. This has the effect of narrowing the

focus of awareness so that we are not aware of other possible solutions ”(p.66)

Obsessions of the parties are the positions that the parties bring to the mediation and

are categorized under sankhara, the fourth Aggregate. In Buddhism, the possibility

of understanding the true nature of existence (changing the sanna, the third

Aggregate into wholesome sanna) and eliminating the unwholesome roots of action

thereby changing the karmic process and outcome (reframing the sankhara, fourth

Aggregate) will ultimately liberate the psyche from all suffering.

Therefore, by reframing the five clinging aggregates of the parties to “bare”

aggregates, the transformative effect of the BM Model is pointed out by the writer:

“An agreement can be reached in terms of mediation and cessation of suffering is

resulted in terms of Buddhism.”

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“(B) The Arising of Conflict

The opposing desires of the conflicting parties, like all human condition, are

impermanent (Anicca) and hence can be changed. In Buddhism, all human condition is

operated on the principle of Dependent Origination (Paticca-sumuppada). The essence

of the principle is that:

When ‘this’ exists, ‘that’ arises;

When ‘this’ does not exist, that does not arise;

With the arising of ‘this’, ‘that’ comes to arise;

With the cessation of ‘this’, ‘that’s cease comes to be.

The opposing desires of the conflicting parties are also operated on the principle of

Dependent Origination. As such if the mediator intervenes at the process and some of

the conditions do not exist, the result will be different as well.

The Doctrine of Dependent Origination

Dependent Origination is the doctrine of the conditionality of all physical and

psychical phenomena. It is a cycle showing the conditions for the arising of phenomena,

it consists of 12 links, the previous link conditions the arising of the next link. When the

cycle comes to the last link (12th) and it conditions the first link(1st) of another new cycle.

The entire worldly phenomenon is arising and decaying based on this framework.

In the context of mediation, I examine how this doctrine explains the arising of

the desires which give rise to conflict. The framework of Dependent Origination and its

explanation to the mind set of an individual is outlined in the table below:-

The Dependent Origination in terms of the mind set of an individual (Table 1)

Temporal

Division

Pali English In terms of the mind set of an

individual

1 Avijja Ignorance Lack of self-awareness Past

2 Sankhara Karmic

activities

Self-centered meaning-making

activity based on ignorance.

Present

3 Vinnana Consciousness It is known as discriminative

consciousness as the individual will

identify with selected experience

which is related to his/her own

self-picture.

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4 Namarupa Mind & Matter The mental and physical

dispositions & skills.

5 Salayatana Six sense-doors The six bases of mental activity,

include six sense organs (eye, ear,

nose, tongue, body and mind) and

the six sense objects (visual forms,

sound, smell, taste, tactile object &

mind object)

6 Phassa Contact Sensory or mental contact between

the mind and the physical object or

mental object.

7 Vedana Sensation It is the feelings arisen immediately

upon ‘Contact’.

8 Tanha Craving It is a sentiment of interest, the

feelings of unease and

dissatisfaction, the restless search

for an object that will fulfill the

self-centered need.

9 Upadana Clinging Mind narrows its focus onto a

particular object.

10 Bhava Becoming Mind is focused upon the desired

stated where the object is achieved

and the ‘Self’ is firmly identified

with it.

11 Jati Birth; Rebirth A new concocted ‘Self’ is born Future

12 Jaramarana Old age & Death The decay of the concocted ‘Self’

The 12 links of the cycle can be divided into 3 divisions. Buddhagosa explained

this division in terms of past life, this life and future life. However, there are

disagreements on it. Buddhadasa Bhikkhu pointed out that the cycle just showed the

principle of the mechanism; it could refer to the conditions for defilement arises in our

minds. “In the flick of an eye lash, one complete cycle of Dependent Origination,

together with its suffering, can come to pass” [2] In the context of mediation, I would

discuss the Dependent Origination in terms of the arising of a defilement thought, i.e.

the opposing desires causing the conflict. The functioning of each link in the context of

mediation process is explained below:-

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Avijja and Sankhara can be understood as the dynamic of process behind by

which the parties build the self-picture and perceive what the conflict is and how the

conflict is meant to them. They form the mind set of the conflicting parties before they

come to negotiate.

Vinnana, Nama-rupa and Salyatana almost occur simultaneously. They happen

when the conflicting parties come to contact at the negotiation process (Phassa).

Vedana is the sensation immediately after the Phassa. It is classified as pleasant

feelings, unpleasant feelings and neutral feelings.

Tanha is a sentiment following Vedana. It is a sense of restless search for an

object that will fulfill the self-centered need; but no particular object is focused in the

mind yet.

Then the Upadana arises. The ‘Self’ of the conflicting party is linked with a

particular object. It is a clinging state. An object can be a substantial interest, a view or

a position in mediation process. It then conditions the rise of Bhava, the grasping of the

object is stronger and it becomes into the self-picture. Obsession of the object is very

strong at this stage.

Jati and Jara-marana, are the subsequent development as the new self-picture

and the decay of the self-picture and then another cycle starts again.

A modified table below shows how a thought is generated during mediation in

terms of Dependent Origination:-

The Dependent Origination in the Context of Mediation (Table 2)

Temporal

Division

Pali/ English Mind set of the conflicting party during

mediation process

1 Avijja

Ignorance

Before the

interaction

2 Sankhara

Karmic activities

They form the self-picture of the individual. It

is also the perception of the individual about

meaning of the conflicts to him/her.

In the

3 Vinnana

Consciousness

With orientation set at mind, it influences how

the individual perceives the interactions

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4 Namarupa

Mind &Matter

5 Salayatana

Six sense-doors

6 Phassa

Contact

(negotiation) with the conflicting parties during

the mediation process.

The individual interacts with the other party

during mediation.

7 Vedana

Sensation

It is feelings arisen during the interaction.

8 Tanha

Craving

It is the emergence of sentiment conditioned by

the previous link. It exists as the latent

tendency for generating a thought, a desire.

9 Upadana

Clinging

A thought in terms of an object, a view or

position has come up to an individual. The

“wants” is clear at this stage.

process of

interaction

10 Bhava

Becoming

The conflicting party is obsessed and attached

strongly to the stated object.

11 Jati

Birth; Re-birth

A new concocted self is born linked with the

stated object.

After the

interaction

12 Jaramarana

Old age & Death

The decay of the concocted self

“As illustrated above, if the mediator wants to initiate a change at the conflicting

party before a strong position is formed, the state of Tanha is the golden time. However,

the above interaction process may happen just “in the flick of an eye lash”, it is not

possible or not easy to catch the golden time. Fortunately, if we bring the concept of

Tanha to another Buddhist doctrine “ Five Aggregates”, we can understand more about

it and we are able to catch hold of it more easily. “

The writer has explained in detail the meaning and process of the

paticca-samuppada. She highlighted the disagreement in the time frame of the

paticca-samuppada cycle among Buddhist scholars. McConnell (1995) comments

that Nyanatiloka Thero and Buddhaghosa would interpret the cycle as covering three

successive lives. Buddhadasa Bhikkhu would interpret the cycle as ongoing

experience that hundreds or thousands of cycles take place in one day (p.17)

McConnell (1995) thinks that there is no reason to exclude the different time frames

from each other. What is most important is that the” paticca-samuppada makes us

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aware of how our mind build meaning. Once we are aware of this process and how

it leads to suffering, we gain the opportunity and possibility of changing the process.

When we see that conflict too is essentially a process, peace acquires a new meaning:

it is the transformation of that process.” In the BM Model postulated in this thesis,

the transformation of the process of paticca-samuppada is shown by adapting the

three stages of the ‘past’, ‘present’ and “future” temporal divisions of the 12 links to

the three stages of helping or process of change (Egan, 1994) and the mediation

model (Boulle, 1996, p. 69).

According to McConnell (1995), his interpretation of the paticca-samuppada is

on the psychological level of the mind. The cycle represents the belief in the self

and the ignorance of reality still present from one cycle to the next, perpetuating the

sankhara that binds us to rebirth and death:“our minds spinning new meanings on

the old theme of self (p.39)”. An opportunity to cease the cycle of suffering and

conflict is put forward by McConnell. With mindfulness which can be practiced and

cultivated, one can be observant of how and when the unwholesome roots of action

arise.. Through mindfulness, the Buddha had discovered the way to cessation of the

cycle by reversing the cycle as follows (p.72):

“Then …came to me the thought, “What now being absent, does

decay-and-death not come to be? From the ceasing of what is there

ceasing of decay-and-death?” Then to me…came…comprehension of

insight: let there be no birth, then decay-and-death ceases…

And thus came to me comprehension… concerning birth, becoming,

grasping, craving, feeling, contact, sense, name and shape, consciousness,

activities, ignorance.

Such…is this”ceasing of activities because of ceasing of ignorance,” and

the rest. Even so is the ceasing of this entire mass of ill.

Ceasing! Ceasing! At the thought there arose in me…in things not taught

before vision…knowledge, insight…wisdom…light… (Nidana-vagga,

S.ii.10)”

This reverse order of paticca-samuppada (patiloma) is “one version of the path

leading to the eradication of misery (Boisvert, 1995, p.142)”

According to the paticca-samuppada, after contact, feelings will arise. If one

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is mindful of the feeling, one can be aware (p.74):

“In pleasant feelings…the inclination to greed should be given up; in

unpleasant feelings the inclination to aversion should be given up; in

neutral feelings the inclination to ignorance should be given up (S, iv. 205

(Salayatana-vagga).”

By being mindful of the above, one can be detached from the self-picture and will not

progress to craving (tanha). Even when one is in tanha, one can be mindful of the

sankhara and what karmic activities the craving will effect. Choices can be made

to stop the cycle to develop to upadana (clinging) and bhava (becoming). The

obsessions will occur when the mind is fixed on the object of desire or the desired

outcome. The mindfulness of the mediator will be useful to reality-check with the

disputants by “confronting the likely effects of the action contemplated. Will the

action really be beneficial or will it have the reverse effect?(p.77)” McConnell

suggested that “a good time for intervention by the mediator is after a cycle has been

completed-when jati has given way to jara-marana (death and decay). As the

obsessiveness of upadana and bhava abate, doubts and emotional hurts (suppressed

during upadana) resurface. The consequences of actions involved in the rebirth of

ego begin to become apparent, and new problems (caused by the basic conflict

between self-picture and reality) emerge. (p.79)”

The writer did not elaborate on how the transformation of the cycle of

paticca-samuppada could be done. Even McConnell did not elaborate on the

reversal of the cycle of paticca-samuppada. Instead, he repeated the process after

one cycle has completed. Based on the research on paticca-samuppada and the

five aggregates published by Matthew Boisvert (1995) in his book on “The Five

Aggregates- Understanding Theravada Psychology and Soteriorlogy”, I have

adapted his theory to the BM Model in which the mediator reverses the 12 links in

the three temporal divisions in the process of transformation of conflict.

“Equally striking is that the division of the chain of causation into three

time periods implies the presence of the five aggregates in each of these

periods, for individuals (themselves composed of the five aggregates) must

experience this process within each of the periods. (p.10)”

He commented that this perspective was previously put forward by Vasubandhu in his

Abhidharmakosa: Ya es a skandhasantano janmatrayavastha upadis tah. He

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postulated that since “ignorance and karmic activities operate on the same

principles as birth and old age and death, and as the eight middle link…., the

physical and psychological elements at work in the individual remain the same

whether in the past, present or future (p.10)” He also commented that “No

attempt has ever been made before to explicitly connect both doctrines, and to state

which links of the theory of dependent origination refer to which particular

aggregate.(p.11)”

The BM Model is indeed a transformative model of conflict resolution. The

analysis of data in this thesis will show the interrelation between the temporal

divisions and the working of the aggregates within each of the divisions. By

demonstrating the BM Model, I have supported the theory developed by Boisvert

(1995) on” the correlation between Buddhist soteriology and psychology, depicted

respectively by the paticca-samuppada and the five aggregates (p.11)”.

“(C) The Psychology of the Conflicting Party

“Five Aggregates” is another very fundamental doctrine in Buddhism. It explains

what we conceive of ‘Self’. In contrary to our common belief on there is a substantial

‘Self’ or ‘Ego’ , Buddhism denies the existence of real ‘Self’. In Buddhism, there is an

important concept of ‘non-self’(Anatta). ‘Non-Self’ means there is not an independent

and constant entity called ‘Self’. What we experience and regard as ‘I’ is the sum of the

functions of the Five Aggregates (Pancakkkhandha). The Five Aggregates are outlined

in the table below:-

The Five Aggregates (Pancakkhandha)

The Functions of the Five Aggregates (Table 3)

Pali English Function

1 Rupa Matter, Form The 6 sense-doors and bare perception.

It consists of 4 primary elements and 23

secondary elements.

2 Vedana Sensation, Feeling The sensation the individual feel. It has

subjective content of pleasant,

unpleasant or neutral.

3 Sanna Recognition,

Perception

The recognition of the individual labels

on all kinds of physical or mental

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objects.

There are ‘Wholesome Sanna’ ,

‘Unwholesome Sanna’ and ‘Neutral

Sanna’

4 Sankhara Karmic activities Any type of physical or mental action

which will produce an effect. It may be

positive, negative or neutral.

5 Vinnana Consciousness The consciousness of the individual

which is linked with our six senses

(seeing consciousness, hearing

consciousness, smelling consciousness,

tasting consciousness, touch

consciousness and mind consciousness).

“It is the sum of the inter-dependent functioning of the above 5 aggregates that we

experience the concept ‘self’. In other words, the idea of ‘self’ is the sum of the thinker

of thought, feeler of sensation, receptor of the stimulus, and receiver of wholesome and

unwholesome consequences arising from the good and bad actions. Operated on the

mechanism of Paticcasumuppada, cycles of actions and consequences are happening in

every moment in our life and which lead to the ever-changing of the 5 Aggregates.

Hence, there is no separate independent and constant entity known as ‘Self’.

Based on the model of the Five Aggregates, the psychology of the conflicting party

in the context of mediation is explained in the table below:-

The Five Aggregates in the Context of Mediation (Table 4)

5 Aggregates Mediation

Rupa The facts (no matter accurate or inaccurate; complete or not

incomplete) that received. It is also known as the “Objective

Reality” of the conflicting party.

Vedana The conflicting party’s sensation and feeling arise from the

Objective Reality.

Sanna With regard to the rise of the sensation and feeling, the

interpretation of “Objective Reality”.

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Sankhara The reaction in response to the interpretation.

Vinnana The overall mind set of the conflicting party in terms of the

objective reality, feeling, interpretation and reaction.

“With the context of the Five Aggregates, we examine the role of Tanha as

discussed above. An extracted table below can show the relationship between Tanha

and the Five Aggregates:-

Correlation between the Paticcasumuppada and the Aggregates[3] (Table 5)

Elements of the Paticcasamuppada Corresponding Aggregates

Vinnana (Consciousness) Vinnana

Nama-rupa (Mind & Matter) The 5 aggregates

Salayatana (Six sense-doors) Rupa

Elements of the Paticcasamuppada Corresponding Aggregates

Phassa (Contact) Rupa

Vedana (Sensation) Vedana

Sanna

Tanha (Craving) Sankhara

Upadana(Clinging) Sankhara

Bhava (Becoming) Sankhara

“It shows that Sanna of the Five Aggregates is corresponding to the link between

Vedana and Tanha. In another words, if the mediator wants to intervene the process,

before the rise of ‘Tanha’, he or she may effect a change at Sanna.

“From Table 5 and Table 6 , it is clear that Sanna, the interpretation of the party, is

the golden time that the mediator can effect a change on the conflicting party. Based on

the Buddhist teachings on the nature of Sanna, I gain the following insights about

effecting a change in the context of mediation:-

− From the mediation framework, how the involved parties interpret the situation

(or the problem encountered) is very crucial. Very often that is also the turning

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point of the process. Hence, mediators always reframe the problems/ situation

to foster the effective communications between the parties. From the Buddhist

perspective, the mediator is helping the conflicting parties to change the Sanna

from unwholesome to wholesome.

− If unwholesome sanna can be reframed to wholesome, no craving will be

generated.

− Among the wholesome sanna, there are 3 kinds of wholesome sanna we may use

during mediation: “Impermanence”, “Non-Self” and “Suffering”. A table below

illustrates the application in mediation:-

Buddhist Teaching of Sanna Implication & Application in Mediation

Unwholesome sanna with regard to

the past obsessions, will generate

further future obsessions as well.

If the negative interpretations cannot be

resolved, mistrust and negative feelings

will further be generated; which are the

hindrance of communication and

obstacles in mediation. Hence,

reframing the negative interpretation is

an essential element in mediation.

Buddhist Teaching of Sanna Implication & Application in

Mediation

Transformation of unwholesome

sanna to wholesome sanna

Reframe the interpretation of situation/

problem, so that the parties can

recognize the reality.

“Recognition of Impermanent” as

one of the three Wholesome sanna

regarding the existence.

Lead the parties to examine the

inconstant (impermanent,

ever-changing) nature of the conditions

leading the party obsessed with their

position (for instance the bargaining

power they possessed).

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“Recognition of Selflessness” as

one of the three Wholesome sanna


Lead the parties to understand that

there are multiple conditions which

generate the problems and situation.

Very often, both parties will blame each

other for causing the difficulties and

thus put the blame on one single cause

and eventually conclude that the other

part should take the sole responsibility

for the problem.

“Recognition of Suffering” as one

of the three Wholesome sanna


Lead the parties to know the suffering of

both parties at the present conflicting

situation. It can be the common ground

or the common concerns of the parties.

The writer adopted the theory of Mathieu Boisvert (1995) in the definition of the

five aggregates. Sanna, which is translated as ‘recognition’ does not inevitably

generate craving. Obsessions and recognition of views (dit thisanna) would fall

into the category of sankharakkhandha and not sannakkhandha. “The

sannakkhandha is the ground for the development of obsessions (as views, ditthi)

(p.83).” There are two types of sanna:

a) Unwholesome sanna – leads to sorrow and unhappiness because it

generates obsessions.

b) Wholesome sanna –“ improve one’s future by approaching reality

through the three characteristics of existence (anicca, anatta, and

dukkha) and seven other perspectives which, taken all together,

constitute the ten sanna enumerated in the

Girimanandasutta ”(p.84-85).

The recognition of impermanence (anicca), of selflessness ( anatta), and of suffering

(dukkha) constituted the basis of wisdom which must be developed through practice

of vipassana, insight, which in turn is cultivated by the awareness of impermanence,

suffering and selflessness. By cultivating wholesome sanna, one can stop craving and

develop wisdom through which one can transform conflict and break away from the

cycle of the paticcasumuppada.

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In the paticcasumuppada, feeling (vedana) is followed by craving (tanha).

Boisvert(1995) proposed that if craving arose, it would depend on the response to

sensation. The response to sensation would be sanna and it should be positioned

between vedana and tanha. Craving, clinging and becoming would fall into

sankharakkhandha which also included ‘thinking about’. Sannakkhandha classified

sensations as not just ‘blue or yellow’ but also as ‘worth craving or worth hating’.

That meant that “if the sensation is interpreted by a recognition that leads to

obsessions (similar to views, dit thi), one will suffer under the illusion that this

particular sensation is permanent, a source of pleasure or associated with the self.

According to Buddhism, it is these particular views that are responsible for

misperception of reality and bondage to samsara, for they are grounds for craving

(p.88)”. On the other hand, wholesome sanna was the recognition of sensation

that would be interpreted as not ‘worth craving for’ since” it is impermanent,

suffering and selfless (p.88)”.

The writer rightly pointed out that recognition of suffering would play a role in

the mediation as the recognition of common ground or even shared grief. When

there is an impasse in the mediation process, the mediator will typically refer the

parties to the common ground which may be that both do not want to litigate the

conflict or that both recognize that a quick settlement will be beneficial to save costs,

time and stress. The recognition of some kind of shared grief that both have

suffered in the past and have contributed to the breaking down of the relationship is

frequently a turning point in a mediation process.

Research Question 2 : What does the student “do” in relation to “BM: a


(II) Case Illustration of the Application of Buddhist Theories during Mediation

I have conducted a real family mediation case in 2003. The case was done

according to Therapeutic Family Mediation Model. It was a case of a divorced couple

to negotiate the alimony, child custody and joint property. Totally there were altogether

four sessions of 8.15 hrs and it was a successful case. The case summary is listed in

Appendix I.

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To re-examine this case, I find that there are two significant elements leading to

the success of the mediation. Firstly, the effect of pre-mediation is very prominent in the

case. According to Therapeutic Family Mediation Model, the pre-mediation session

with the conflicting parties is essential. “Premediation is intended to produce change in

patterns of relating between former partners consistent with the requirement of

negotiation.”[4] In this case, during the pre-mediation session, the mediator had

discussed with the female party and tuned her mind set on the following issues:-

i. Let the female party understand that since she filed the divorce, her

demand for alimony as a form of obligation or compensation would

not be totally agreed by the male party. Instead, the female party was

encouraged to show her appreciation towards the husband on taking

care of her and the family over the past years. Only based on the

relationship bonding, the male party would be willingly to contribute

more in terms of financial support to her and the children.

ii. Lead female party to think in the shoes of her husband about the

impact of the divorce.

iii. Reframe the concept of child custody and emphasize on the

alternatives and the interests of the children.

On the other hand, during another pre-mediation session the mediator also discussed

and tuned the male party on the following issues:-

i. Encourage the male party to show his concerns towards his wife and

their children in the coming joint interview, which was consistent

with his own self-image of a “responsible father” and he still loved his

wife.

ii. For the benefit of the son, advice the male party to think of more

alternatives on the education of the son. Reframe his position into his

good will.

The preparation as done in the pre-mediation sessions can be analyzed in terms of

Dependent Origination as follows :-

Dependent Origination Female Party Male Party

Avijja and Sankhara The relationship bonding is

the essential base for the male

Concocted self-picture that he

still loved his wife and he was

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party to contribute the

alimony and provide financial

support to the children.

a responsible father.

“During the first joint interview, there had been heated arguments on two issues:

1/ study plan of the son and 2/ the financial support to the children. Although both

parties had their own interests, the mind set of the female party and the self-picture of

the male party helped them going back to their wholesome concerns thereby

maintaining the negotiation. Shared with the common concerns over the real interests

of the children, the parties eventually came up to agreement.

“The second crucial element is the reframing skill which distinguishes the

“needs” from “wants”. The female party asked for a large amount of financial support

to the children which agitated the negative emotion of the male party. The mediator

then helped the female party to distinguish her “wants” from the “needs”. Since the

interests of the children were their common concern, the parties could come to an

agreement finally.

“Another issue came up with the study of the son. The male party planned to

send the son to study abroad in U.K., while the female party thought of bringing the

son back to Taiwan to pursue study. The male party reacted very strongly on this issue.

As the maiden family of female party was in Taiwan, the male party perceived this act

equivalent to taking away his children. He stated that he could not accept this proposal

and threatened to hire a lawyer regardless the price he would spend on the legal fee. It

is not difficult to understand his reaction. As illustrated in the above table, the

concocted self-picture of a “responsible father” would be collapsed. Hence, he would

defend this ‘self’ if he perceived that the female party took away the son from him. The

mediator then helped both parties to tackle this argument from the real needs of the

son. Eventually, they came up to consensus. Both incidents cited above shows that

whenever the parties could change their “wants”(greed) to mindful “needs”,

compromise are easier to make.”

According to the BM Model, the wife’s five aggregates were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – She was divorcing her husband. She had custody of the

children.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – She felt angry about the husband not paying what she

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wanted as maintenance.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – She recognized that the husband had a role as father to

her children.

(The mediator reframed custody to shared parenting)

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – She wanted to take the son to Taiwan. She wanted

substantial financial support from the husband.

(The mediator reframed the issues to what the son needed for education and

what they needed as financial support.)

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana – she was not aware of her needs and interests until the

mediator prepared her in the pre-mediation session.

The husband’s five aggregates were:

a) 1st Aggregate, rupa – His wife filed for divorce. She would take the children to

live with her.

b) 2nd Aggregate, vedana – He was angry and hurt that she was divorcing him.

c) 3rd Aggregate, sanna – He recognized that he was a responsible father and he

still loved his family. He thought the wife was taking the children away from

him.

(The mediator reframed that their common concern was the interest of the

children.)

d) 4th Aggregate, sankhara – He wanted his son to go to UK to study. He did not

want to pay the amount of maintenance.

(The mediator reframed the conflict into what was in the children’s best interest)

e) 5th Aggregate, vinnana- He was able to shift his consciousness when the

mediator reframed the sanna into a wholesome sanna.

The writer was able to practise the BM Model in analyzing the family mediation

case that she did before she learned about the model. The transformative element

in the BM Model was compared to the therapeutic model of mediation. The parties

were transformed into better parents in the therapeutic model. Under the BM

Model, the parties had transformed their obsessive“ wants” ( basing on greed as the

unwholesome root of action) to mindful “needs”. By shifting the parties to act from

unwholesome roots to wholesome roots, the mediator converted the karmic process

to meritorious sankhara which would allow for more possible solutions. With the

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root cause of conflict being transformed, the parties learned that their self-image

could change and it would be subject to future change (impermanence) so that they

became less attached to their self-image (selfless) and they were able to share their

common concern (suffering) of the children’s interests.

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “BM: a


“(III) Reflection and Learning from Buddhist Mediation

I have practiced family counseling for over ten years; I find the western

theoretical framework of counseling is quite different from the Buddhist framework.

Firstly, the Buddhist framework starts from the roots of conflicts and relates it to moral

evils (akusala mula). In the contrary, the western theoretical frameworks seldom refer

to the moral ethics. From my previous training, I have to study many family theories so

as to help me to understand the dynamics of the conflicts. Anyhow, the role of the

individual contributed to the conflicts is seldom the focus of study. However, from the

Buddhist perspective all kinds of conflicts are analyzed from the individual’s dimension

of Akusala mula. This framework provides me a new dimension to understand and

analyze conflicts.

“Secondly, the doctrine of Dependent Origination and the Five Aggregates

provide me with a new perspective in understanding the dynamics of conflicts arising

inside the mind of conflicting parties. It is particularly useful in the process of

mediation. These frameworks can help the mediator to see clearly what is happening in

the process. Furthermore, I would like to stress that the success in applying the above

doctrines in the mediation process depends largely on the mindfulness of the mediator

which is the prerequisite in practicing.

“The framework could only be applied when the mediator is mindful and

attended to the dynamics happened in the process. I would like to cite the experience of

the role-play to illustrate this point. The transcript of the role play is attached in

Appendix II. When I was acting as the mediator in the role play, I was over-whelmed

with the problem. When the two agenda items were agreed, I jump-started with the

agenda items which directly deal with their presenting problem (Please refer to the

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point 18th of the transcript at the last joint interview). Fortunately, the coach stopped

me and reminded me to let the parties prioritize the agenda. Really, one of the parties

wanted to discuss the communication problem first. When he talked on this item, the

real issues behind the conflicts, i.e. the frustration, the disappointment..etc. came up. If

these negative emotions were not dealt with, agreement could hardly be reached. I

realize how unmindful I was.

“In fact, Buddhism all along stresses theories and practices. Only when the

mediator is mindful, he/she can see the Five Aggregates and the process of Dependent

Origination, and he/she will be able to reframe the sanna of both parties. In Buddhism,

mindfulness training and meditation are the tools to enhance the awareness of the

person. The teaching of Buddhist Mediation is a very valuable experience to me; it not

only extends my understanding on the practical use of Buddhist theories, but also it

strengthens my faith in the practice of mindfulness training. I find that both Buddhist

theoretical framework and practices are extremely helpful to me as a mediator and also

as a counselor.”

The writer was an experienced social worker who had just retired after many

years of service in the front line services as well as administrative posts. She has

also been trained and supervised as a family mediator. Therefore, she is part of

the community of family mediators with a social work background and has been

trained under the Therapeutic Family Mediation Model (“TFM Model”) (Irving,

2004).

According to the analysis of her essay, she was influenced by the BM Model

as a transformative model for conflict resolution in the following manner:

She was successful in conducting the family mediation case under supervision.

With the lens of a Buddhist mediator, she analyzed the supervised case from the BM

perspective. The language that she used to describe what she did in the case shifted

from the TFM Model to the common language used and adopted within the

community of the BM course that she attended in September 2006. She was able

demonstrate her understanding of the theory behind the BM Model and applied the

same to the case analysis.

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According to her analysis, the TFM Model assumed that the parents would be

transformed to being better parents who could make decisions in the best interests of

their children. However, the BM Model would be aiming to transform the parents

to become better people who would achieve more awareness and control in the way

they created their conflicts. By shifting their obsessive “wants” to needs, the

parents turned their” unwholesome roots of action” to “wholesome roots” which

meant that they were acting from a basis clear of greed, hatred and delusion.

The writer highlighted the underlying goals and assumptions of the TFM

Models vs. the BM Model. The TFM Model values the rights and interests of the

children and aims to protect the rights and interests of the children. On the other

hand, the BM Model values the opportunity for personal growth for the disputants

and aims to apply the Buddhist Psychology and Soteriology in practising

non-attachment in order to liberate themselves from the suffering of clinging to their

obsessive demands of each other.

The writer compared the causes of conflict between the general theory of

mediation and the Buddhist theories on the unwholesome roots of action (akusala

mula) which was greed, hatred and delusion. The two causes reflect that the former

is concerned with the nature of conflict which is within the realm of outer form and

logic whereas the latter is within the realm of moral ethics and how “the role of the

individual contributed to the conflict”. The writer seemed to think that she had to

learn many different western theories on causes of conflicts and family dynamics in

order to understand the conflict enough to know how to intervene. The Buddhist

way of looking at causes of conflict was more fundamental to all conflicts and could

be applied at a deeper intra-psychic level than the western theories.

The writer highlighted the different approaches of the western vs. Buddhist

theories of the causes of conflict. The transformative values of the western

theories aim to change relationships between disputants according to observable

behaviour but the Buddhist theories aim to change the” self” according to internal

states or “moral ethics”.

The theory of the dependent origination and the five aggregates was useful to

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her as a new “perspective in understanding the dynamics of conflicts arising inside the

mind of conflicting parties”, which was complementary to her learning as a mediator

trained to look at interactive patterns and dynamics.

The writer compared the process of mediation with the process of conflict

resolution under the BM Model. The transformative values of the two processes are

complementary to each other. The former deals with the process of change in an

observable behavioural perspective and the latter is dealing with the process of

change from the internal states of consciousness of the disputants.

The writer was impressed that” mindfulness” was a pre-requisite in practicing

Buddhist Mediation Model (McConnell, 195) and would like to continue to practise

mindfulness training and meditation.

The writer appreciated that “mindfulness” was the most important quality of a

Buddhist Mediator. “Mindfulness” is a quality that can be acquired by training of

meditation. Therefore, the practice of BM is comparable to the practice of other

transformative practices that were ego-transcending (Murphy, 1992).

Conclusion:

The focus of BM Model is on the internal states of consciousness of the

mediator and the disputants. The objectives of the Model are to transform the ‘self’

of the disputants which is covered by the five aggregates.

The writer as a social worker, counselor and mediator has experienced the

therapeutic process of change from the observable behavioural pattern of the

individual or inter-relationships of the family or disputants. The writer therefore

confirmed the transformative value of both the BM Model and the western theories

as experiences of reality from both the interior and exterior dimensions of

knowledge.

(End of Essay 4)

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6.5 Essay 5

Student Age: 27

Origin: Estonia, Northern Europe

Degree: BA in Business Administration from Tallinn University of Technology

Exchange student at University of Hong Kong, Centre of Buddhist Studies

Experience: worked for four years for the Estonian Tax Administration in various

posts from Tax Inspector to the Head of International Taxation Department and also

for a fund management branch of one of the biggest bank in the region as an Analyst.

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” the object of analysis: “Buddhist

Mediation: a transformative model of conflict resolution.”?

The student-participant is a postgraduate student who has come from Europe to

study the Masters programme at the Centre of Buddhist Studies. He is a young

person who has no previous experience in “counselling or other similar activities”.

He observed that having no prior expectation or knowledge of conflict resolution

might even be an advantage after taking the BM Course. The title of his essay was

“Transition to a Buddhist mediator – reflections from the participant of

Buddhist mediation”:

“The following essay is written using the memories from the Buddhist mediation

classes at the University of Hong Kong conducted in fall 2006. Having no

previous background in counseling or other similar activities there was no

specific previous expectations involved. That obviously meant on the same time

that not much previous knowledge was possessed in helping other to solve their

problems connected to their mental life or conflicts with other people. Since

Buddhist mediation has different approach to the conflict resolution process as it

was to be discovered during the lectures one can not be sure whether this was a

disadvantage or might have served rather as a slight advantage even.”

His memory of the course was as follows:

“One could roughly divide the course into two parts. The first, a rather

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introductory one explained the ideas behind the concept of Buddhist mediation,

starting with some more general explanations on mediation and solution focused

conflict resolution.”

He wrote also about the role-playing exercises in small groups as a learning

activity which must have been a new experience for him as he remembered

specifically an exercise that made an impression on him. He felt he had learned

something important about “mediation” as a form of conflict resolution from the

debriefing of the role-play with the whole group. He was impressed with this type

of learning activity which would be used throughout the course. Students who did

not enjoy this type of group learning activity would decide not to join the course and

he obviously was not one of them.

It was a role-play involving a couple who had just gone through divorce where

most of their properties had been divided except for “one plasma television and DVD

player” that both of them wanted. Two students played the roles of the husband and

the wife and one acted as the Arbitrator for 10 minutes and then gave his or her

judgment. After this step, the same student switched to act out the role of the

Mediator. There was a fourth student who was the observer of the role-play.

The writer seemed to think that the role-play had enhanced his understanding of

the role of the mediator. He compared the “Mediator role” to “judgmental

counselling” which was his perception of the “Arbitrator role.” From his

perception as a student it was “hard” for him without prior knowledge of the basic

principles in conflict resolution to know the ”general idea” that a mediator should

be non-judgmental and should not impose solutions on the disputants but rather to

help them to find their own solutions. Thus, he felt he had learned an important

lesson from this exercise and he must have felt impressed enough to decide to

continue with the course after this learning activity.

From a teacher’s perspective, the writer was definitely the type of student that

would benefit from the course after this introduction to mediation since his curiosity

to know about “Buddhist Mediation” was aroused and he had the reflexive ability to

acquire the insights from the experiential role-playing exercises.

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As the course progressed, the writer remembered that there were a few classes

where video tapes of mediation process were shown. He felt the tapes were useful

for him to understand the process of conflict resolution better. He became more

interested in the course as he was introduced to the different skills in conflict

management; especially “solution-based techniques”. From his observation of the

demonstration from the video tapes, he perceived the skill of the mediator as

“extremely important in the process” and he even described a mediator as “a

learned master”. The tapes shown to the students were demonstrations of the

mediation process by Prof. John Wade from Bond University and Sir Lawrence Street

from Australia. Both of them were internationally well-known figures in the

mediation field. The former illustrated the stages of mediation and the latter

demonstrated the skills of negotiation and risk analysis which included questioning

skills regarding the “Best Alternative to a negotiated agreement” and the ”Worst

Alternative to a negotiated agreement”.

“Few next classes were accompanied by videos of mediation processes which

were really good and helpful in understanding the process better. The students

were also introduced to the basics of different conflict management possibilities

and especially to the solution based techniques in conflict resolution. It was made

clear that there is no absolute best among these techniques, each of them is

suitable in specific situation and if some kind of mediation is performed, it also

means that there is a person – mediator, whose skills are extremely important in

the process. Therefore just having the right technique is not enough; it has to put

in practice by a learned master as well.”

As part of the basic theory of conflict resolution, the students were taught how

to diagnose the conflict based on the theory developed by Christopher Moore (1994)

as the sphere of conflict. This part of the theory made an impression on him as he

understood that the diagnosis of the causes of conflict was important for developing

a hypothesis regarding possible interventions. The application of this theory on the

diagnosis of conflict was repeated to the class during the role-playing exercises.

His impression of the theory was strong enough that he could accurately explain the

different types of conflict and their respective possible interventions (Boulle, 1966):

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“Next important factors in conflict – the sources of it were introduced. In

general, they were divided into 6 groups: 1)information/data 2)communication

3)resources 4)structural 5)relationship/emotional 6)value/principles 1 . It was

made clear that each of them contributes a different background to the conflict

and therefore the conflicts themselves should be dealt differently according to

these sources. The conflicts which have the information or data as its source are

the conflicts where figures, data or documents are incomplete, incorrect or just

differently interpreted. This kind of conflicts can also be caused by the unequal

distribution of data. Either way the data should be corrected or supplement data

given to the party or parties in need. If the objective criterions for interpretation

of data could not be developed or agreed on, the use of expert could be a good

solution to this problem. The conflicts based on unsuccessful communication

usually have some kind of misunderstanding as their starting point. In that case

the past miscommunications have to be sorted out and these misunderstandings

clarified. This should build a reliable base for the future communication free

from misunderstandings and other similar problems. Since we live in this

imperfect world the lack of resources can be rather common source of conflicts.

Approach that should be successful should include an attempt to expand the

resources, emphasize on mutual interests and development of integrative

solutions.2 Maybe not so usual source of conflict is structural causes. These are

based on unequal access to information, authority and sources of power. One

should try to bring in mind of the parties other possible sources of power that

could be used to solve the problems. The fair decision-making process is an

important feature also in finding solutions to the problems of this kind. It is

rather obvious that the conflicts can be based on relationships and be emotional

by their kind. Under that category fall the problems following the negative

behavior, untreated emotions, grieving, hatred, judging based on stereotypes and

different psychological problems. This sort of problems are obviously rather

tense and one has to acknowledge the emotions of the parties. It is important not

to irritate the emotional wounds and be careful not to be too pushy during the

process of conflict resolution. The last group of possible sources of conflict is

values and principles. These are based on different understandings about the

world, ideologies, one might say, religious and cultural values and even basic

assumptions. In this case one should focus on tangible interests and search for

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overarching goals to come to a solution.3”

He referred to the solution-focused questioning techniques which were

demonstrated by a life case with Steve de Shazer as the therapist (De Shazer, 1994).

The writer was most impressed by the mindful, non-judgmental and not-knowing

stance of the therapist. He was also impressed with the “unusual questions” asked

by Steve de Shazer. He even created his own term “the Tape Question” which was

the following question that Shazer posed to the client: if two movies were made about

the client; one time when she had her problem and the other time without her

problem, how would the difference between the problem and non-problem versions of

the tape of the client be observable by others?

“All these theories were backed by some illustrative videos where these skills

were put in practice. Not only mediation videos were shown also some counseling

tapes were demonstrated. The author can recall the best the one which featured a

counseling session of a young American woman who had some troubles caused

by bad influence of her friends and the drugs. The counselor used some rather

unusual questions as the so-called Miracle Question, Scaling Question, Tape

Question, Coping Question and Exception Question. The first of them is a

question in a form that if the subject would one day wake up in the morning and

suddenly realize that during the night a miracle has happened and the problem

he has been facing so far has disappeared, how would the life be then, what

would be different, who would notice the change without being told etc. This

question, if put in the right way would serve rather well for making the subject to

think about the life and the people around him; who actually is close to him and

who cares about him. Like some of the following questions, it also helps the

person to realize what would be differently, if the problem was eliminated and

find some desirability that would justify the effort needed in this situation. The

Scaling Question asks the subject to scale the seriousness of the problem he is

facing. But one is asked not only to scale it but also to tell, how much effort one

would be willing to put in to get rid of that problem. The Tape Question once

again helps the subject to think about and see the differences between the

situations with and without the problem obviously trying to get the subject to

understand the benefit and need of getting rid of the problem and the worthiness

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of one’s effort. The question itself is depicting two movies, one where the problem

still exists and other where it has disappeared. The subject is asked to describe

the differences. Coping Question is about what has the subject done to deal with

the problem or just to cope with it and to be able to live with it. This gives some

valuable information about the eagerness and capability of the subject to take

care of the problem and also suggest which ways to overcome the problem have

still not been used so far. The Exception Question is about asking the subject

whether there have been some moments when the problem has been gone, what

was it like then and how was the situation different then.”

What was also missing in the writer’s impression about solution-focused

questioning technique was the theoretical framework of Steve de Shazer in designing

all these “unusual questions”. The idea that words in the context of language

were all that the psychoanalyst used to heal the patient led de Shazer to the

conclusion that “therapy could be seen as “an interchange of words;” a

conversation” (p.3):

WORDS to LANGUAGE to CONVERSATION

He examined four ‘major views’ about language:

a) “the common-sense assumption” that language was used to express what was

transparent or existing facts and that the meaning of the words were clear and

unambiguous at all times. The words “marital problem” would obviously mean

and be understood to mean “marital problem” and were different from

“individual problem”.

b) According to traditional Western thinking, language represented reality and

could represent “the truth” and a science of language and a science of meaning

was developed by looking behind and beneath the words under “structuralism”

(Chomsky, 1968) which was explicitly used by Bandler and Grindler (1975 a, b).

The words “marital problem” had a fixed meaning according to tradition even if

it was not obvious.

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c) According to the Buddhist view, language blocked our access to reality (Coward,

1990). The words “marital problem” were illusions getting in the way of

knowing reality. As de Shazer put it (1994, p.9): That is, they too think there is a reality out there. So, naturally enough, this point of

view leads Buddhists to the idea of meditation, which is used to turn off thinking and

language, thus putting one in touch with reality….Thus all we can do is shut up and let

the patterns flow, because once you interfere you can never stop interfering.

d) According to the view of the “post-structuralism” (de Shazer, 1991; de Shazer, S.,

& Berg, 1992), language was reality. The words “marital problem” was

constructions of the utterance and the meaning of these words was unstable and

arbitrary (de Shazer, 1994):

Meaning is arrived at through negotiation within a specific

context....Contrary to the common-sense view, change is seen to happen within language:

what we talk about and how we talk about it makes a difference, and it is such

differences that can be used to make a difference (to client). Thus reframing a “marital

problem” into an “individual problem” or an “individual problem” into a “marital

problem” makes a difference both in how we talk about things and in where we look for

solutions (p.10).

In summary, Steve de Shazer dealt with the four relationships between language

and how the individual perceived reality according to the individual’s ideology. I

will deal with the Buddhist view and then the Structuralist view respectively.

Buddhist View of Language and Reality

He had an overly simplistic view of what the Buddhists constitute as “reality”.

In Buddhism, there are two kinds of “realities”: ultimate reality and relative reality.

The ultimate reality could not be known by our ordinary living consciousness in the

psychological sense but could only be assessed through meditation or during a

meditative state of consciousness (nibana). The ultimate goal of liberation from

suffering for the Buddhists was to access this ultimate reality where the cycle of life

and death would cease. Temporary access to this state was possible through daily

practice of meditation or mindfulness training and those who had returned to

ordinary consciousness would have been greatly transformed.

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It was said that one that achieved “nibana with residue” would still experience

the five aggregates but they would be “bare aggregates” without clinging or biases.

On the other hand, the relative reality could be experienced through our ordinary

consciousness and in particular through our five aggregates which would be clinging

and subject to our own biases as our personality. This was evident as one of the

first things that the Buddha taught in his first discourse to public – the

Dhammacakkappavattanasutta as his first sermon (Boisvert, 1995, p.18):

In summarizing the various reasons for unhappiness, the Buddha concluded, ‘in brief,

the five clinging-aggregates lead to suffering.’

Thus Theravada Buddhism claims that there are 4 levels of realization before

reaching nibbana. At the moment of entering the path of any of the 4 levels, the

five aggregates are temporarily free from clinging and biases based on wrong views.

When the individual is surveying nibbana, the bare aggregates can be found. The

material aggregate cannot be included as one of the bare aggregates as it is only

present in the realm of sensuality while the other aggregates are in the mental realm.

It is only in the transcendental realm (lokuttara) that the four aggregates cannot be

approached as objects of clinging because they have nibbanna as their object

(nibbanarammana).( Boisvert, 1995).

When de Shazer described that Buddhists regarded language as blocking access

to reality, he was clearly referring to the ultimate reality. In fact, meditation was a

kind of non-interference in mind training for developing mindfulness. As a way of

expanding or deepening the theoretical basis of the BM Model through the

understanding of language and reality, references to what constituted “reality”

according to the theory of the five aggregates must be examined further.

The most relevant aggregate was Rupakkhandha which was the First Aggregate,

the material aggregate and to which the term “Objective Reality” was attributed

under the BM Model. It was constituted of

a) four primary elements (mhabhuta) of earth, water, fire and air and

b) 23 secondary matter (upadarupa).

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(A: The first five sense-organs (internal sense-doors) : organs of sight, hearing, smell,

taste, touch)

(B: The first four sense-objects (external sense-doors): the visible, sound, smell,

taste)

(C: The Three faculties: faculty of femininity, faculty of masculinity, material faculty

of life)

(D: The two modes of self-expression: bodily expression, vocal expression)

(E: The three characteristics of matter: lightness, elasticity, adaptability)

(F: The four phases of matter: growth, continuity, decay, impermanence)

(G: The two unclassified elements: space-element, food).

Thus according to Boisvert in Buddhism the word Rupa meant that (1995,

p.46-47): matter is not simply an object reality independent of the perception of the

individual….It seems that Theravada Buddhism stresses that for something to be

present for someone, it needs to be perceived… Absence does not deny the absolute

reality of the object when unperceived by a subject, but stresses that the object is of no

significance to such a subject.

Correlation between the rupakkhandha and the Paticcasamuppada was seen

from the fifth and sixth link i.e. the six sense-doors (salayatana) and contact

(pahassa). The six sense-doors refer to six sense-organs but rupakkhandha admits

only five of them excluding the mental organ with the latter belonging to the fifth

Aggregate, vinnanakkhandha (consciousness). However the mental sense-organ is

implicitly introduced to the chain as the preceding links i.e. vinnana (consciousness)

was placed before namarupa (mind and matter), which represented the five clinging

aggregates. Rupakkhandha was represented by the six sense-doors and contact,

both of which require the mental organ.

Under the Paticcasamuppada , when contact (pahassa) was made” a bare

sensory experience devoid of any subjective inclination” (p.50) was experienced.

In other words, Rupakkhandha occurred when the individual experienced internally

the reality of the meeting of consciousness (vinnana), a sense-organ (indriya) and an

external stimulus (visaya) or the sense object.

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This process of Rupakkhandha would potentially turn into a sensation (vedana),

the second Aggregate or the seventh link of Paticcasamuppada. Therefore, in the

BM Model, Rupakkhandha (the first Aggregate) refers to the “objective reality” of

the disputants in respect of what they are seeing or hearing. Language would

certainly form part of the material aggregate, which includes bodily expression and

vocal expression. Therefore, language is a reality independent of the perceptions of

the individual.

However, in Rupakkhandha, reality is dependent on whether the same thing is

perceived by the individual. It is part of the Five ARM to reframe the

Rupakkhandha as an objective reality that both disputants will agree upon as

objective facts that they have perceived or failed to perceive. Whether perceived or

not by the individual, language would still be subjected to the process of “growth,

continuity, decay, impermanence,” if the same involved mental objects such as

concepts and meanings. Thus, in the BM Model, the goals of the disputants, their

needs and concerns and their resolution of the dispute are all subject to change and

co-construction between the Buddhist Mediator and the parties.

It was observed that “the components that form the semantic base of any

language are oppositional: male/female, living/non-living… inside/outside.

Therefore, phallus/non-phallus and desire/non-desire.” (de Shazer, 1994, p.27)

According to de Shazer, the misunderstanding between utterance/utterer and the

listener was a necessary way to negotiate new meanings (1994, p.36):

As I see it, this is reflected in our use of the client’s own language and logic (rather

than ours) to put any difference that is noticed to work in such a way that difference

opens up the possibility of new meanings, behaviors, feelings, etc. developing.

By practicing “text-focused reading” as postulated by de Shazer (1994) one

“must aim at a certain relationship, [usually, frequently, perhaps always]

unperceived by the writer, between what he commands of language and what he does

not command of…the language he uses.” (Derrida, 1976). According to de Shazer

“ text-focused reading” could be applied to therapeutic conversation (p.56):

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Since the meanings of words/concepts are flexible, variable, and at times even

undecidable,…logic, grammar, rhetoric (in a classical sense), use, context, and

importantly, the concept’s opposite (non-depression) serve as constraints on the range

of potential meanings. In particular, what the depression is not usefully limits the

possible meanings of the term. Whatever might be attended to in “non-depression”

we call “exceptions,” “miracles,” etc…Talking with the client about what the

problem/complaint is not, i.e. “non-depression,” is one of the ways of using

misunderstandings in a creative fashion.

From Structuralism to post-Structuralism, and at a later stage, de Shazer’s

theoretical framework had expanded to Social Constructivism (Dejong & Kim Berg,

1998). Reality was seen as co-creation between the client(s) and the therapist or

among members of a group in the community. This aspect was common to Buddhist

view of reality.

The relationship between language and reality had been explored by Ludwig

Wittgenstein (1965), who was a philosopher of language, as “the language game” in

which he saw the utterance from one person as related to the previous utterances and

his future utterances in the context in which the utterances were made.

Our craving for generality has a[nother] main source: our preoccupation with the

method of science. I mean the method of reducing the explanation of natural

phenomena to the smallest number of primitive natural laws… Philosophers

constantly see the method of science before their eyes, and are irresistibly empted to

ask and answer questions in the way science does. This tendency is the real source

of metaphysics, and leads the philosopher into complete darkness. (p.18)

There seemed to be a suggestion that “mind” was seen as a condition for

language/conversation (de Shazer, 1994). This was in line with the classification of

language under Rupa and the relationship between Rupa as a mental object, subject

to “growth, continuity, decay, impermanence”. As described earlier in this section,

in the Paticcasamuppada, consciousness (mind) develops before namarupa, which

includes the five aggregates. Further, within the language reality, the concept of the

duality of femimine / masculine, external / internal, far / near, gross / subtle, would

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implicitly apply.

In Buddhist theory, at the beginning of life and death, “ignorance” was the first

stage. Thus, in the BM Model, the goal was not to fix the problem or to change the

parties’ reality in a permanent way but to enhance understanding by the Buddhist

mediator of the parties’ discourse by using the Five ARM as a framework in search of

a counter-discourse in the mediation session. The solution-focused questioning

technique and its theoretical framework was an integral part of the understanding of

the discourse and counter-discourse in the BM Model.

Other than the questioning skills, the writer acknowledged correctly that one of

the mediator’s most important skills was “Reframing”. The writer talked about his

understanding of what was meant by “reframing” which was basically to change the

“aggressive and impulsive” ways of expressing the views and feelings of the

disputants to a “neutral and inoffensive” language that was more acceptable to the

parties in order to shift their perspective from the ‘only right way’ to an alternative

way of viewing the situation.

The writer had shown appropriate knowledge in the theory of negotiation by

associating “the only right way” with the initial positions of the parties at the

beginning of the process of mediation. The writer used language from the

negotiation theory to explain the function of ‘reframing’ in the context of shifting the

parties from “positional bargaining to problem solving”:

“One of the most important skills a mediator should possess is the skill to

reframe. In the case of conflict the parties usually see the situation to be rather

“black and white” and therefore also express their views and feelings in the same

way, being often rather aggressive and impulsive. In the process of mediation it is

therefore the mission of the mediator to reframe these statements by the parties

into more neutral and inoffensive form. It is rather often the case that when

hearing the same thing put in these more neutral words the person saying it just

seconds before in totally different and extreme way and being truly convinced

that this is the only right way to express these feelings that he has, is convinced

that there indeed might be another way to say the same thing he had in mind. In

this case the reframing has been successful. The aim of reframing in the context

of formal mediation is to move parties from the common positional bargaining to

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the problem solving, which would benefit both parties. Therefore neutralizing

their overwhelming feelings they might be more constructional and solve the

problem together so that they could both benefit from it.”

The writer’s impression of the BM course was divided into two parts. The first

part was theoretically based and the second part was the practical performance of

the mediation process. Each student had a chance to be the mediator in a

role-playing exercise to experience the whole mediation process.. At this stage, the

BM Model was introduced.

“Considering the division of the course on Buddhist mediation in two parts the

second part after this rather introductory and more theoretical part was more

practical one. In the centre of these lessons was a role play of mediation process,

quite often a case from the real life where there would have been a need for

mediation but it was not performed. For better understanding of the ideas of

Buddhist mediation a theory of Dependent Origination and the Five Aggregates

were brought in.”

The writer explained how he saw the BM Model from the theory of the Five

Aggregates and the 12 links. He based his explanation of the theory of BM on the

book by Mathieu Boisvert (1995). He first explained that the Doctrine of Dependent

Origination was based on the world view of the Buddhist: conditioned existence and

causation of karma. Then, he explained what the five aggregates were and how

they related to the process of mediation.

“The doctrine of Dependent Origination which serves as a central doctrine of

Buddhist thought was introduced in close connection with the theory of Five

Aggregates. The doctrine of Dependent Origination shortly said explains, that by

Buddhist view everything in this world is conditioned. There is no divine force

constructing our future, our own deeds and thoughts are what cause it. Therefore

one harvests what one has seeded.

“The doctrine of Five Aggregates was introduced to explain better the human

nature and why people act as they do in different situations. The core of the idea

of the Five Aggregates is closely related not only to Dependent Origination but

also to the doctrine of non-self, another central idea of Buddhist thought.

According to the latter there is no single entity that other religions and

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worldviews call soul. The logical question following this statement is obviously

concerning the essence of beings – if there is no soul, what the human being

consists of then? By Buddhist ideas and doctrines human being is nothing but a

continuing flux of ever-changing aggregates. These five aggregates are 1) rupa –

the aggregate of matter 2) vedana – the aggregate of sensation 3) sanna – the

aggregate of recognition 4) samkhara – th e aggregate of mental formations 5)

vinnana – the aggregate of consciousness.4 In the aggregate of matter the whole

realm of matter is included, both internal and external. It consists of five

material sense-organs which are the faculties of eye, ear, nose, tongue and body

and their corresponding objects in the external world that is visible form, sound,

odour, taste and tangible things, and also mind and mind-objects.5 Therefore it

includes all the six sense-doors and bare perception. The aggregate of sensation

consists of the most simple and momentary sensations one gets from the external

world either through the contact of physical or mental organs. There are six

kinds of sensations corresponding to our six sense-doors. These sensations can be

pleasant, unpleasant or neutral. The third aggregate, the aggregate of perception

or recognition represents of six kinds of perceptions in relation to internal

faculties and the corresponding external objects. Like sensations, they are

produced through the contact of our six faculties with external world. It is the

perceptions that recognize objects whether physical or mental.6 In the forth

aggregate of mental formations all volitional activities both good and bad are

included. What is generally known as kamma comes under this group. Volition

too is of six kinds. The fifth aggregate of consciousness is a reaction or response

which has one of the six faculties (eye, ear, nose, tongue, body and mind) as its

basis and one of the six corresponding external phenomena (visible form, sound,

odour, taste, tangible things or mind-objects) as its object.7”

According to the writer, the BM Model made an impression on him in respect of

one important step. That was to change the sanna from “unwholesome” to

“wholesome”. He did not elaborate on what constituted “wholesome sanna” but

equated it to ”panna (wisdom)”. He did specify that the effect of developing panna

was that “one does not react to the sensations and new samkhara cannot arise.”

4 Walpola Rahula, What the Buddha Taught (Taipei: The Corporate Body of the Buddha Education Foundation, 2005), 20-23. 5 Ibid., 20-21. 6 Ibid., 22. 7 Ibid., 23.

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Therefore, the key component of the BM Model was to stop craving and obsessions

by changing the third Aggregate sanna to wholesome sanna which meant that the

parties would need to accept the Buddhist world view of conditioned existence which

consisted of impermanence, non-self and recognition of suffering.

The writer used a different language to represent similar ideas such as the

“obsessions” of the parties under the BM Model vs. “positional bargaining” in the

negotiation context. Although the writer did not use the word “reframing” in the

context of the BM Model, it was clear from his writing that he understood what the

essence of the Model was as compared to the general theory of conflict resolution.

In the sub-text of the BM Model, “reframing” took on a different language according

to the writer : “unwholesome sanna has to be replaced by wholesome sanna – panna

(wisdom).” On the other hand, he had previously talked about “reframing” in the

context of negotiation by shifting the parties from “positional bargaining to problem

solving”.

“Connecting the Five Aggregates with mediation one should also understand the

process that develops the craving. Vedana itself does not necessarily lead to

craving. A certain vedana may engender craving only if it is accompanied by

unwholesome sanna, for the latter is likely to give rise to obsessions. Therefore, to

stop the wheel of samkhara and to attain nibbana only a simple thing has to be

done; unwholesome sanna has to be replaced by wholesome sanna – panna

(wisdom). Having done that, one does not react to the sensations and new

samkhara cannot arise. Still, attaining nibbana without residue, the final goal of

true liberation will be achieved when also the old samkhara are eradicated.”

Research Question 2: What did the student-participant ‘do’ about the BM Model and

the Five ARM?

The writer wrote through the lens of a student who had little experience of

role-playing exercises. He valued the chance to play the role of the mediator to

experience the mediation session so that he could put into practice what he had

learned from the theory of conflict resolution and BM.

“As said above the last part of the course was mostly about role-plays of mediation

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session. Every student got an opportunity to be the mediator and therefore get the

feeling what it would like to sit in that chair, so to say. It was really a nice experience

and definitely a useful one. Only by trying to put in practice what one has learned

theoretically makes the experience complete. One went through the whole process,

starting with an introductory statement, where both parties were asked to except some

essential rules and were assured that the session would be confidential and that the

mediator is not there to judge them or lay a solution on them but only to help them to

find a solution themselves that would satisfy the needs and wishes of both parties as far

as possible. In fact this introduction was asked to be written down beforehand and

therefore a student was expected to take this seriously. And righteously so because this

introduction is usually the first impression of the process to the parties and according

to that a certain attitude towards the whole process and the mediator will be built. The

same kind of attention was given to the introduction of the private sessions where it is

even more important to show the reliability and trustworthiness of mediator since

during the private sessions the parties are expected to present those even more sensible

facts and feelings that had been kept from the other party during the common session.”

The writer also wrote about his experience of learning how to do “reframing”

which he referred to as “the opportunity”:

a) through the home assignment and

b) practice through live communication during the role-playing exercises.

“During the course the participants had the opportunity to try the reframing

first as a home assignment but later also in more practical sense that is in live

communication and during the role play of mediation process. One has to say it

was rather helpful for understanding better the hardness of the work of the

mediator but also feeling the power that this simple skill holds in it if performed

well.”

Research Question 3: How the student-participant was influenced by Buddhist

Mediation : a transformative model of conflict resolution?

The writer wrote about the pressure and difficulty he experienced in the

role-playing exercises. However, from his reflection, he recognized the importance

of the practice of “mindfulness” and “non-attachment” in the role of a mediator.

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These are qualities that a practitioner of BM Model should acquire. They are

transformative in nature as they promote ego-transcendence (Murphy, 1992).

“During the mediation itself the student being the mediator could surely feel the

pressure, also lack of experience and skills, feel how sometimes the mind is not

just quick enough to react to the expressions of the parties fast and accurate

enough. And since all the spectators also could add their ideas during short

time-outs taken when it was clear that the one playing the mediator could need

some time to arrange his thoughts or get some guidance it was an interactive play

for all people attending the lecture due to the advantageous fact that the group

was small. So the experience, although not the first-hand experience was also

acquired through watching and listening the role-plays of others and thinking

with them how to find a useful solution to the problem. It was also felt by the

author that although we understand that we should not be judgmental when

being the mediator it is rather hard job since still we have our own

understandings how the case should be rightfully settled and it is rather hard to

keep oneself just being a mere helper for the parties to find the solution

themselves. Therefore a strict self control and mindfulness had to be kept for the

whole time. On the other hand it is rather clear that this kind of non-attachment

to parties’ problems comes with the experience and seeing that the solution found

by the parties themselves is the best and most rightful one for them and one can

only assist them in finding it.”

The writer gave his feedback on the BM course from the lens of a

student-participant. He validated the value of the course as “surely one of the best

and most useful ones of the whole semester” and was “confident to recommend it to

other students”. His rationale was that the course had certain features that were

unique:

a) interactive participation of the students during the lectures, and

b) learning to be a Buddhist mediator and not just a Buddhist meditator although

both promoted “mindfulness”.

“In conclusion one has to say that this course was surely one of the best and most

useful ones of the whole semester and really got the students to participate and to

be active during the lectures. It was clearly seen that very most if not to say all

students enjoyed it and even if not considering it to be easiest of courses it was

highly valued for the advantages listed above. After completing this course one

can not surely be considered as a mediator but some introductory knowledge has

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been acquired and some first-hand experience got. Therefore one has made at

least a step closer to being one. And what is most important, this was surely a

course that raised the interest in people participating in this field, especially

considering that many just thought before the semester started that there has

been a typing mistake in the syllabus and not Buddhist mediation but Buddhist

meditation was meant. Therefore one has to be satisfied when being able to

participate and work actively in this course and would be quite confident to

recommend it to other students as well.”

The writer also acknowledged the transformative value of “reframing” which

might be used in not just the mediation context but in” our daily expressions” when

one could be practicing mindfulness in executing the art of “reframing”. Although

the writer did not make specific reference to the BM Model, he emphasized the value

of reframing one’s “ feelings and thoughts” which essentially were the key

components of the Five ARM.

“Skillful reframing is truly an art by itself and is definitely not limited to be

used only in formal session of mediation but in fact can be used in very

different situations in everyday life. One might argue that we all should be

more mindful about our daily expressions and think whether we have to be so

harsh on each other verbally as we are regrettably rather often feeling that

otherwise we would not be able to make our feelings and thoughts clear

sufficiently enough to the other party. As can be seen from the practice of

reframing that view tends to be fallible.”

The writer acknowledged the value of Buddhist Mediation: as a transformative

model of conflict resolution:

a) The classical Buddhist theory of the five aggregates and the Doctrine of

Dependent Origination were transformative in nature in promoting

ego-transcendence and when they were used in mediation and counseling, the

process of mediation would have a transformative effect.

b) Since the source of our suffering came mostly from our “ craving to people,

earthly possessions and similar”, the BM Model focused on changing our

perception from unwholesome to wholesome sanna which recognized the

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sensation as it arose, without reacting and stopping the vicious cycle of craving,

clinging and becoming. The writer, therefore, acknowledged that the BM Model

would be useful to “relieve the suffering and overcome our not so healthy and

unhappy mental states” by building up “the understanding” that our obsessions

might not be” the most important things to us or that there is always a way to live

without clinging to them”.

“This classical Buddhist knowledge can also be used in mediation and counseling.

Many of our problem clearly have craving to people, earthly possessions and

similar as the source of our suffering and mental instability. Therefore building

up the understanding that maybe these are not the most important things to us

or that there is always a way to live without clinging to them could help relief the

suffering and overcome the not so healthy and happy mental state.”

Conclusion:

Since the student was so impressed with the techniques of solution-focused

interviewing skills, the connection between Solution-focused questioning skills

( Steve de Shazer, 1994), and the Five ARM will need to be established in future

training. The connection between social constructivism and the language game of

Wittgenstein to structuralism is built in to the theoretical framework of the BM Model

under Chapter Three in this thesis.

(End of Essay 5)

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6.6 Essay 6

Student age: 59

Occupation: retired civil servants after 33 years

Degree: University of Hong Kong

Voluntary Services: Governor of the Rotary International (RI) District of Hong Kong,

Macao and Mongolia; acted as negotiator for more resources for

humanitarian and educational projects.

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” “BM: a transformative approach to

mediation”?

The student put forward a generic definition of mediation:

“Kenneth Kressel’s definition in “The Hand Book of Conflict Resolution

Theories and Practice” comes in handy. Kressel defines mediation as a process

in which disputants attempt to resolve their differences with the assistance of an

acceptable third party.

“I think we can isolate three key elements as follows. First, it is a process of

dispute resolution; second, it involves disputants or conflictants who cannot

reach a settlement between themselves; and third, very essentially, a third party

acceptable to the disputants known as the mediator assists in the process.

The Process of Mediation

“It should be borne in mind that if the parties in a dispute can talk together

constructively and discuss their problems, there would be no need for mediation

or a mediator. Sometimes, the nature of the conflict is such that mediators

would be of little to no use; for example, in cases which have shown indicators of

non-suitability, such as human rights, pure legal issues, injunctions, and so on.

“Once the parties in a conflict have decided to use mediation to resolve or

ameliorate their conflict, the mediation process begins. John A McConnell says

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in Mindful Mediation – A Handbook for Buddhist Peacemakers that “Mediation

initiatives sometimes have no end but they always have a beginning, Choices

have to be made by both mediators and conflictants.

“It follows that the parties to a dispute or conflict must decide whether

mediation is the appropriate process for resolving the dispute before them. They

would then identify an appropriate party – the mediator – and positively and

jointly take a decision to assist in the process. It is important to note that for the

process to be useful, both the mediator and the parties in dispute must be

mindful that the mediator has no authoritative decision-making power, but that

they are ready to rely on his assistance to reach a settlement which they would

voluntarily accept as binding.”

The student wrote that the qualities of the mediator should include mindfulness

and that Buddhist teachings are conducive to resolving disputes:

“Mediators by definition should be neutral, impartial, honest, mindful and

understanding. These are qualities inherent in people who subscribe to Buddhist

teachings. Conflicts cause suffering; and Buddhist teachings seek to reduce or

cease sufferings. The Buddha has personally intervened in conflicts as a

mediator and has prevented wars in his time. Buddhist teachings are conducive

to resolution of conflict.

The Buddha enunciated the Four Noble Truth in his first sermon after

Enlightenment. One can look at the doctrine as an invitation to face one’s

problems with an experimental attitude. Thus by looking at our problems, or

sufferings, we would be able to identify the causes of the problems, and

thereafter, gain the power to remove these causes, and lastly, through continuing

practices and devotion, find the path leading to the cessation of the causes of the

sufferings or problems.”

The student discussed the application of the five aggregates in resolving

disputes. The five aggregates help the disputants to see clearly the “objective

reality” which is the first aggregate. The student did not discuss how the other

aggregates would be applied in the conflict resolution.

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“Another key Buddhist teaching is embodied in the Five Aggregates. Thus, a

person can be described as not having an identity or a self, but rather being

made up of the Five Aggregates. Thus, human existence is nothing but a

combination of physical and mental elements devoid of a soul as opposed to and

distinct from the mind, and very importantly, there is no governing agent or a

self within the individual. Each of the Five Aggregates is an inalienable

component of the individual; and together they make up a conventional self

which can only function when all five are present. The Five Aggregates are: the

material organism (rupa); sensation (vedana); conception (sanna); volition

(sankhara); and consciousness (vinnana).

A skillful Buddhist mediator will be able to relate the problems of the disputants

in a conflict to the objective reality based on the Five Aggregates thereby

helping them to see more clearly the reality and identify more options for

resolving the conflict. A Buddhist mediator would also be familiar with solution

focused techniques. I would use the case study set out at Annex A to illustrate.”

The student described the Five ARM in very general terms and not

specifically linked to the 12 links process of purification so that the BM Model was

not discussed. The skills that made an impression on him were the “solution

focused techniques”.

Research Question 2: What does the student “do” about “BM: a transformative


From the opening statement drafted by the student, it was clear that he understood

the process of mediation.

“Good evening, Amy. Good evening, Alan. Thank you for attending this joint

session, which is the beginning of a process for resolving differences on the

employment issues between you. Thank you for inviting me to convene and to

assist in the process. Let me say upfront that under normal circumstances and

unless on request, I would not make proposals for either or both of you. I am

here to facilitate communication between you and assist you to discover the

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common grounds between you.

I would like this to be a fact finding session that would enable me to understand

more clearly the nature of the problem, the causes for any disagreement, the

needs of both sides, and any related issues. Our task is to reach a settlement

between you two that would be fair and beneficial to both sides, and I hope that

we would all go away happily after the session.

This is a voluntary process. The rules are very much flexible and up to you. We

do not have the rules of evidence or the procedures commonly used in a court of

law. However, I would like to seek your agreement to adopt a basic ground rule

that would enable me to be in control of the process throughout, which is that

only one person will speak at a time and that I would decide who speaks and

when. It means that no one would interrupt when the other person is speaking. I

can assure you that you would both have sufficient time to say what you want to

say. More importantly, anything you said here would remain confidential and

would not be revealed to anyone except with your agreement.

After this joint session, and depending on our progress, I may hold separate

sessions with you individually. Anything said in these sessions would of course

remain private and confidential and would not be revealed to the other side

without explicit agreement.

First, let us hear from Amy her side of the story. I understand that Amy believes

that the company owes her some money for the work she has done in the past. I

would like to learn about the background and more details.”

The student used the Buddhist concept of “Right Speech” in the context of the

Eightfold Path to emphasize the transformative aspect of the BM Model.:

“During the exercise, I had used words such as “claim” which was music to the

ear to Amy, but offending to Alan. It was pointed out afterwards, and quite

rightly so, that even if certain phrases had soothing effects for one or both

parties, if they did not help their causes in the end, it would not be “Right

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Speech” in the context of the Noble Eightfold Path and should thus be avoided.

It became clear from the joint session that both Amy and Alan were concerned

with money issues, both were keen to secure and promote business, and both

were not too keen to go to the courts if they could avoid it.

On the personal or relationship side, Amy felt that the new management in the

person of Alan was not appreciative of her efforts and proven experience, while

Alan, being new to the job, was keen to make his mark and show Amy who the

boss was and let her know that she could not have things all her way now that

he was in charge. Alan’s attachment to reports and hearsay on Amy’s alleged

use of Chinese herbal medicine on her clients could well be perceptions

developed from a desire to maintain control over business and hence Amy.”

The Five ARM was used as follows:

“Expressed in terms of the Five Aggregates, the objective reality was that both

needed cash, both cared about their work and the services they provided their

clients, and both depended on each other. On the sensation or feeling side,

Amy felt hurt because she was ignored and Alan was unhappy with the various

situations. Their sensation had allowed their perceptions to proliferate: Amy felt

being cheated and Alan had doubts about Amy’s loyalty. Their perceptions led

to action: Amy was considering going to the courts for the money owed her

and Alan was to start a witch hunt to find out what misdeeds Amy had

committed.

It is clear that the feelings and the perceptions which followed are neither

healthy nor helpful to either side. More importantly, they are not conducive to

resolution of their conflicts.”

The student was comparing the way he used to resolve conflict with the BM Model:

“I am a strong believer in looking at the facts and I had generally followed what

I call a systematic approach to problem solving. One would begin by looking at

the facts or to establish the facts. One would then identify the problem and the

causes of the problem. The next stage involves finding solutions, and so on. In a

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way, the systematic approach to problem solving approach, which covers

problem analyses as well as potential problem analyses, also deploys

solution-focused techniques of questioning and interviewing, though I must say

that I was totally oblivious of the Buddhist teachings, theories and practices at

the time.

This approach has generally worked and has served me well, but a major

weakness when compared with the mediation process and in particular

Buddhist mediation is that one can easily be carried away during the fact

finding stages. More importantly, the process tends to be mechanical and the

solutions are generally not as lasting as one would hope. In worst cases, they

create other problems.”

The student identified elements that were most important in the BM Model

(solution-focused versus the problem-solving model):

1. How solutions were developed from the parties that met their needs so that the

solutions would survive and be upheld throughout all times.

“Again, looking back, this could be due to the process in which the solutions are

generated. In the problem solving model, the manager sees the problems

through his own sensation and perception and develops solutions accordingly.

There is hardly any involvement from the parties concerned. The manager takes

on the situations as his problems and attempts to find solutions that he thinks

would solve the problem or one that would satisfies. …In mediation and in

Buddhist mediation in particular, the solutions would actually be developed

from the parties concerned, assisted by the mediator, and hence tend to survive

with time.”

2. Identification of common ground was the first step to ownership of their mutual

problems

“Explored and establishing the common grounds for both sides are just the first

steps of the process. It is essential for the parties concerned to recognize and be

aware that those are common grounds so that they can take ownership of the

common problems. The issues in the Case Study are relatively straightforward.

Real life normally presents more complex issues. Nevertheless, even in this

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seemingly simple case, there are many interesting and challenging issues. For

example, Amy appeared to be fixated on the money and the amount she

perceived she was entitled, and was oblivious to the reality that she might not

get it if she took the legal process, not to mention the prohibitive costs that

would be involved. On the other hand, Alan was determined to follow through

his investigation on Amy’s professional conduct, based on flimsy reports of a

fellow worker who may or may not be trustworthy when, as pointed out by me

in the exercise, the resources could have been better and more profitably spent

on improving staff benefits.”

3. The process of problem identification had a limiting effect on solutions whereas

solution-focused questioning would enhance the scope of resolution.

“It is important to identify the problem in any given situation; and I have had

plenty of experience in the past. One should be mindful, however, that the

problem identification process would and could have a strong bearing on the

solutions that would engender at the end of the day. It follows that if the parties

in a dispute could be guided to look at a problem from different angles, the

scope for resolution of the conflict would be greatly enhanced.”

4. Buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering and selflessness(or emptiness)

had influenced the student in accepting as a true fact that there was no problem

or conflict too great or too complicated that could last:

“Buddhist teachings constantly remind us of the impermanence of life and of

the non-existence of the self, in addition to the sufferings which always fill the

world. It follows that there is no problem in the world that is so great or so

complicated that can last. It also follows that there can be no conflicts between

individuals, people, races and states that are so severe or so fundamental that

cannot be resolved or ameliorated as long as there is a willingness on the part of

those concerned to contemplate on what is going on, based on Buddhist

teachings. Sadly, as the Buddha has pointed out more than 2500 years ago, we

live in an imperfect world, which is why most of us live amongst sufferings.”

5. The student learned that the parties should come up with their own agenda

because they should own their problem and the ability to solve the issues that

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they accepted as their agenda:

“Once the issues are identified, it will be for the mediator to agree an agenda

with the parties concerned. This is a very important and indeed crucial step in

the process; and I almost overlooked it in the exercise.

First, the agenda should come from the parties and agreed between them. I

began by telling them what I thought were the principal issues and was on the

point of suggesting solutions. Fortuitously, our teacher intervened at the

appropriate time and saved the day.

There was many a time in my work life when I would chair meetings and ran

through the agenda in record time with the parties present all in agreement on

paper. However, even after the minutes were issued, the agreed actions were

often not taken as promptly as expected or planned. Once again, I would assign

the reason for the inaction to a lack of buy-in from the parties concerned. Those

solutions were all worked out by the authorities concerned and announced

through the chair at the meeting. The parties concerned were therefore not

committed to the solutions.”

6. The student appreciated the skills of questioning that empowered generating

options and reality-checking with the disputants.

“I have pointed out that options generated by the parties concerned tend to stick;

and separate meetings are ideal for generating options, particularly before

details of these options are worked out.

I used separate meetings in the exercise. However, I was unable to help the

parties generate sufficient options in the process. The teacher pointed out

afterwards that if I were better acquainted with the process and if I had a more

thorough understanding on the application of the key process questions, I would

have done much better.

It is interesting that the contents in any communication are only responsible for

conveying 7%, whereas verbal attitude 38% and the body language 55%. The

Chinese, particularly the Cantonese are all keenly aware of the importance of

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the body language and verbal attitude and have exploited them to maximum

advantage. However, the manner in which important questions are put across

and the structure of the questions are all very important factors.”

7. The most important skills he learned in the BM course was the art of reframing

as a process of changing one’s mindset by following the five aggregates.

“We have practiced in the course the art and the power of “reframing” and

have appreciated how a mediator can neutralize a potentially explosive and

disastrous exchange between parties simply by reframing, which is a process of

changing how a person or a party in conflict conceptualizes his own or another’s

attitudes, behaviors, issues or interests, or how the structure of a situation is

defined. Reframing can best be executed by following the Five Aggregates.

We have seen how “miracle” questions can help a subject to place herself in a

given situation invented by the questioner and to respond accordingly. We have

seen the effectiveness of the “I” questions in helping the questioner achieve the

desired results or responses. And we have also seen how questioning techniques

can be deployed to reach constructive results, through BATNA (Best Alternative

To a Negotiated Agreement), WATNA (Worse) and PATNA (Probable)

questions.

Here, I would make the point that while career civil servants may not be

accustomed to answering hypothetical questions and indeed would refuse to

provide answers, it would still be relevant and possible to frame these questions

as possible scenarios as in cases where one is required to work on potential

problem analyses.”

8. The student learned how to use the common ground as a leverage to deal with an

impasse and to remind the parties of their gains if they settled or used other

forms of negotiation strategies for closing the last gap in settlement.

“It is obvious that one needs to conclude any exercise somehow; and in a

mediation session, the mediator hopes to assist the parties to reach a negotiated

settlement. This is not as easy and straightforward as it seems; and I gained

very valuable experience in the exercise.

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The mediator will orchestrate the Closing and work towards it. The mediator

should watch out for signs of a near-break-down in the process and act

accordingly. In the exercise, we were very close to a settlement, but somehow,

the parties were still obsessed with their perceived needs and could not become

sufficiently detached to think beyond his or her own situation. If either side

remains in this mode for too long, and if the mood spreads to both sides, it

would signal the end of the negotiation or a total breakdown in communication.

It is at this moment the mediator must intervene. He can achieve this by

reminding the parties what they have agreed between them as common grounds,

what they stand to gain if they reach a settlement and what they stand to lose if

no settlement is reached. It is a moment when all parties feel that the goal is so

near and yet so far away.”

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “BM: a transformative


As an experienced negotiator in his career, the student appreciated his learning

from the BM course, not just on the theory of conflict resolution, Buddhist theory on

cause conditions and effect or the five aggregates, but he also enjoyed the

role-playing exercises. He was humble and genuine in his acknowledgment of the

teacher and his fellow students for giving him “a pleasant and enjoyable

experience, to which I have to learn not to be too attached.”

He specifically listed what he had learned from the BM course as follows:

“introduction to Mediation and Solution Focused Brief Therapy; we have

covered the nature and sources of conflict and explored alternatives to deal with

conflicts, including and very importantly, the application of Buddhist theory on

cause, conditions and effect; we have learnt the different types of negotiation,

the process of mediation, communication skills in mediation and the theory of

the Five Aggregates; we have taken part, through role playing, in exercises as

mediator and parties in conflict; and so on.

I have registered for the course because I know nothing on mediation and I hope

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the course would give me pointers on how to develop skills of a Buddhist

mediator and enable me to learn some practical skills of mediation. I have

indeed achieved all these objectives and more. I am grateful to my teacher for

showing me the way and for giving me and fellow students timely and valuable

input throughout the course. I am also grateful to my fellow students for their

time and presence and for sharing their knowledge and experience generously

and selflessly. Together, the teacher and students, they have made my learning

such a pleasant and enjoyable experience, to which I have to learn not to be too

attached.”

The student is currently involved in a high power role in negotiating funding

for charitable organizations. His vision for applying the BM extends to the global

community. He also recognizes the transformative value of the BM Model for

helping “the people in conflict understand more about themselves and each

other and in the process.”

Mediation is such a vast subject and potentially very useful and beneficial to

communities. Buddhist mediation in particular can potentially help the people

in conflict understand more about themselves and each other and in the process,

learn about Buddhist teachings and practices which would go a long way not

only towards resolving the immediate conflicts before them, but also help build

a more harmonious and congenial community and world.”

Conclusion:

The student has a valuable learning experience from the BM course. He

learned how to improve his questioning and negotiation skills in his role-playing

exercise which he performed well. This essay is a validation of the value of the

experiential learning of the BM course. The theory and practice of the Five ARM

was also validated by the comments and the description of the role-playing exercise.

However, the BM Model as hypothesized in this thesis was not clear from the essay.

(End of Essay 6)

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6.7 Essay 7

Student age: 41

Degree: BA in Economics from Canada

Profession: Director of a raw material Company

Research Question 1: How does the student “see” “BM: a transformative approach to

conflict resolution”?

The student defined mediation in generic terms:

“Mediation may be defined as a process in which disputants attempt to

resolve their differences with the assistance of an acceptable third party.

The mediator’s objectives are typically to help the parties search for a

mutually acceptable solution to their conflict and to counter tendencies

toward competitive win-lose strategies and objectives”1 With the above

definition by Kenneth Kressel, we can understand that it is a process in

which conflict resolution may be reached. Mediation has been widely used

from Tribal dispute, Family dispute to Labor dispute and political dispute.

For example, on 19th of September 2006 a mediator had been called in to

help resolve a labor dispute for Teck Cominco, Canada, one of the biggest

Mining company in the world and as a result an tentative agreement had

been reached in early October, 2006.”

The student described different Forms of Conflict Resolution according to the

lecture notes of the BM course. By following the sequence of the BM course, the

student systemically developed the theory and practice of mediation.

The student recapped a video tape on “Everyday Conflict” and how primary

school children acted as “mediators”. This was a demonstration tape on peer

mediation training.

The student used the experience from the Exercises to differentiate the role of

Arbitrator and Mediator as an example to describe the Five ARM:

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“Case Study

A couple is going through divorce. The wife wants to take the plasma TV with

her while the husband insists on keeping it.

a) Being an Arbitrator:

After listening to both side it appears that both are very emotionally attached to

the TV and neither are willing to give in, I was of the opinion that the wife and

the children need the TV more than the husband so the verdict was that the

husband could keep the TV but he will have to buying a new one for the wife

and the children. This is a case where I could judge after listening to both sides

of the story. In this settlement, it appears that both parties are reasonably

satisfied but in real life arbitration win/lose outcomes are much more common.

b) Being a Mediator:

"As a mediator my role was not to judge but to facilitate (it is like managing a

meeting). First of all, we need to do a bit of fact finding. During the process we

need to identify the pain. What are they talking about? We have to listen with

our heart without being carried away by the content.

1) Fact (objective reality): The couple are going through divorce and they

both want the TV set but there is only one set.

2) Feeling (husband): He is angry.

3) Perception(husband): He has lost a lot of things already. It is all I have got

left and you want to take it away from me.

4) Mental formation(husband) He is obsessed with keeping the TV.

5) Feeling(wife): She is angry

6) Perception(wife): The husband bought the TV for their anniversary and he

won’t even allow her to keep it

7) Mental formation(wife): She is obsessed with keeping the TV

“The job of the mediator is to reframe what both parties say i.e. identify the

pain and reframe what they say to try to neutralize the pain. Reframing serves

to neutralize certain negative wording that are loaded with emotions so that

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both parties can understand each other more in a more positive term. We also

need to find out more. What are their hidden needs? What are their common

grounds? For example, when the husband say that he has lost a lot of things, we

could create a feeling of shared grief by reframing that they have both lost a lot.

At the same time we need to create doubt to their obsession in order to loosen

that up. Question like “why was the TV so important to you?” or “ What do you

get out of the TV?”. This is to lead them to reflect that insisting to keep the TV

may not be in their best interest. In this case, the couple realize that keeping the

TV will only remind them of the painful experience that have led them to

divorce. Thus, they both agree that they would donate the TV to charity.

During both sessions, I find that being judgmental was easier than being neutral

because I think that we have a tendency to be critical and take side. That is

because our mind has been conditioned to be for or against most of the time.

Whereas as a mediator we need the quality of mind that is neutral and

non-judgmental. This quality is very similar to what we call in Buddhist

Meditation “bare attention”: where the mind is trained to be in a state of being

completely here and now, non judgmental, neither for nor against . It is this

presence of mind that a Buddhist Mediator can “bring peace into the room”.

In Buddha’s time there was a monk whose mere presence could stop an

argument. During the sessions I also find that it was very easy to get caught up

with the couples’ emotion and I myself were led astray and become impatient

myself and try to push for a settlement prematurely.”

The Five ARM were appropriately demonstrated by the examples of the husband

and the wife’s five aggregates as objective reality (rupa); feeling (vedana);

perception (sanna) and mental formation (sankhara). The student’s self-reflection

on the “bare attention” state of consciousness seems to be similar to “mindfulness”.

The Eightfold Path sets out the way to practice, Right understanding, Right

thought as path to wisdom, Right speech, Right bodily action, Right livelihood as the

path to morality and Right effort, Right mindfulness and Right concentration as the

path to meditation (samadhi). Right understanding and Right mindfulness are

pre-requisites of the practice of a Buddhist Mediator.

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The student explained the BM Model by starting with the Buddhist world view

of suffering:

“Why Buddhist Mediation

Buddhism deals in its entirety with human existential predicament thus the

Buddha said that he taught only two things suffering and the end of suffering.

His diagnosis of the predicament is presented in the proposition of the Four

Noble Truths:-

1) Suffering

2) Origination of suffering

3) The cessation of suffering

4) The Path leading to the cessation of suffering

This proposition can be compared to a medical doctor’s diagnosis of and

treatment for a disease.

1) The Diagnosis of the Disease

2) The cause of the disease

3) The cure

5) The course of Treatment leading to the cure.

The role of a peacemaker is not dissimilar. He needs “to be able to diagnose and

respond to underlying conditions rather than just treat symptoms. We need to

understand the roots and inner workings of conflict with enough precision to see

points where the process of peacemaking may engage.”2 The Four Noble Truths

are called truth not in the sense that they are commandments laid down by a

higher authority but rather they are reality that can be experience. Hence, they

are meant to be reflected upon but not as rigid rules. That the Buddhist

approach to conflict resolution is experiential in spirit is clear in “the Kalama

Sutta. The people of Kalama are confused by the teachings of various teachers

who all proclaims that their to be the Truth. Buddha told them that it is normal

that they are confused by all these and it is alright to be skeptical. He then

declares that they should not accept something as truth because of tradition,

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high authority, it is what their teacher says, hearsay or reasoning. They must

only accept when they know it to be wholesome.

That is to say we must experience it and see it for ourselves. According to

Buddhism, both the Truth of suffering and the cessation of suffering can be

found within the totality of our experience called the Five Aggregates of

Clinging namely:

1) Matter

2) Sensation/feeling

3) Perception/recognition

4) Mental formation

5) Consciousness”.

The Five ARM was demonstrated again with an example from the previous

exercise:

“Hence, in Buddhist Mediation we are employing the model of the Five

Aggregates as a tool. In our previous example, we were already using the model:

1) Matter is the objective reality: The couple is divorcing and they both want

the TV.

2) Sensation: They both feeling angry.

3) Perception: (husband) I have lost a lot of things, the TV is all I have got.

(wife) It is our anniversary present and it is of

sentimental value and it is all I have got but you

won’t allow me to keep it.

4) Mental formation: They both want to keep it.”

The student connected the 12 links to the BM Model, referring to the 12 links as

the law of dependent origination that governed all suffering:

“Another Buddhist model that we use is the Law of the 12 links dependent

origination:-

1) Ignorance

2) Mental formation

3) Consciousness

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4) Name and Form

5) Six sense bases

6) Contact

7) Sensation

8) Craving

9) Clinging

10) Becoming

11) Birth

12) Old age and Death

According to Buddhadassa3, since the third Buddhist council i.e. 300 years after

the Parinibbana of Buddha, the Theravada Buddhist had accepted that the

teaching of the 12 links aims to explain the arising of suffering through the span

of past, present and future lives. However, Buddhadassa argues that all the 12

links can be observed and contemplate here and now in this life. In

psychological sense, the process occurs as mental events so it is a teaching we

can work with. If ignorance was a link in the our previous life then there is

nothing we can do about it now in this life. Even if we agree with Buddhadassa

that all 12 links could be observed in this life, we still have a problem. In its

linear progression, Ignorance comes before contact i.e. which is before any

sensory experience is possible then how can we experience and work on it. One

possible solution is that the 12 links are not in linear progression rather they are

linked together as a cyclical chain i.e. ignorance can be the beginning and can be

the end of the chain. Furthermore, since Buddhism does not recognize a

singular cause that could lead to another singular cause, ignorance is a

condition for the arising of the other 11 links so it is there through out the

chain.”

The main point of the three lives representing the three temporal divisions in

the BM Model was not elaborated clearly. The student highlighted that ignorance

was the governing element that covered all links. The application of the BM

Model relied on the elimination of ignorance so that the disputants became more

aware of their aggregates.

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Research Question 2: What did the student “do” about “BM: a transformative


The student described the background of the role-playing scenario:

“Judy was a clerical staff hired by Mr. Leung the head of the management team

8 years ago. In Mr. Leung’s opinion Judy was a very good worker and he gave

her jobs that were beyond the nature of her work such as going to workshops

and attending meetings on his behalf. After Mr. Leung retired Mr. Chan took

over and Judy was not given the same favorable treatment and when her yearly

contract had expired it was not renewed. Judy felt that she was not appreciated

and she had decided to complain to the school board and try to get her job back

A mediator is brought in to resolve the conflict with Judy and the school board

representative Joanna.”

The student used the Five ARM to hypothesize the parties’ realities and

experiences:

“In this case study, the analysis of Judy Aggregates is as below:-

1) Objective reality: She is discharged.

2) Feeling: She is angry, she feels she is not appreciated.

3) Perception: She recognizes she has put in a lot of good works and she is

recognizing Mr. Chan as a bad boss because he is not letting her go to

workshops and even though she was the best staff he was not keeping her

so he is not managing the school as well as Mr. Leung.

4) Mental formation: She wants to get the job back and she also wants to

change the system.

5) Consciousness: Act of her attention.”

Stage One –

The past life of the 12 links (first to second links): The second link of sankhara

represented the obsessions of the parties that created the conflict needed to be

reframed as a mutual suffering.

“The Buddhist mediator must be fully aware of the Aggregates as they arise in

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every cycle of rebirth that is one complete cycle of the 12 links of dependent

origination. Judy is ignorant of the fact that her working condition is

impermanent and she is clinging to her notion of self that was favored by Mr.

Leung. She is obsessed with going back to the same job and change the system.”

Stage Two –

The present life of the 12 links (third to tenth links) : The mediator needed to

reality-check with the party about their obsessions (eight to tenth links) – whether it

would be in their interests to keep demanding the same:

“Our job as a mediator is to recognize this obsession and try to loosen it by

creating doubt e.g. “Is returning to this job in your best interest?” If the

mediator is successful, she should be able to see the reality that she may not get

the same favors and she will have to work with Mr. Chan whom she dislikes and

her co workers will not treat her in the same way. She can then loosen up to

consider other possibilities. In this process, we are in fact breaking one of the

condition of the 12 links dependent origination and by doing so her suffering( of

obsessing with the job) is brought to an end.”

The mediator reframed the state of the obsession into a more wholesome view

(wholesome sanna) of mutual needs and concerns from which options might be

developed by both parties:

“It is interesting to note that Nibbana which is the end of suffering also has

the meaning of highest knowledge where all limits of the mind are eliminated.

Here Judy can move beyond the limit of the obsessive mind and look at the

options. Since Judy’s perception is affected by her sensation and her sensation is

also affected by her perception, her frames are also conditioned by them. We

can use a technique called reframing to change “the way her thought is

presented so that it maintains the fundamental meaning but is more likely to

support resolution effort.”4

4 Spangler, Brad, Nov. 2003, The beyond Intractability project . P2.

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Stage Three –

The future life of the 12 links (11th to 12 links): reversing from death to rebirth where

the solution was implemented:

“The outcome of this case is that Judy could let go of her obsession and

accepted the offer from Joanna to provide her with a good reference letter and

Mr. Leung as her referee. “

The student described the BM Model with reference to the role-playing exercise

that he did and the process of the BM Model using the 12 links as the framework

could be validated.

Research Question 3: How has the student been influenced by “BM: a transformative


The student started with a self-reflective question:

“Am I a Buddhist Mediator yet?

I was never very good with words and I would consider myself an introvert

not being able to express himself very well. At the same time, I am fully aware of

the power of our verbal expression, when positively used they become a

powerful tool in the mediation process. I found that the Five Aggregate model

very useful in analyzing a conflict may it be internal or external; we see conflict

no as something intractable, solid and insurmountable but rather it is a

compounded phenomena consist of Five dynamic process which is impermanent

and changing all the time. For example, if I am in a stressful situation like a

traffic jam, I could then reflect on the Five Aggregates of that:

1) Objective reality: There is a traffic jam

2) Feeling: Frustration, anger, impatient.

3) Perception: These jokers are in my way and I am late for a meeting

4) Mental Formation: I want to get out of this jam as soon as possible.

But now I am aware of them, I could reframe it “these folks in front of me are

also trapped in these traffic jam and it is not really their faults and they are

probably also in a rush.”

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The student used an everyday situation as an example of the application of the

Five ARM. As a businessman, the student had found new skills in handling conflict

situations in his life. “Bare attention” and “mindfulness” , as qualities of the

Buddhist Mediator were emphasized as a transformative practice that would bring

“peace to the room”.

“In the role as an executive of a metal company I also found that the Model of

Five aggregate helps me to express myself better in terms of my feeling,

perception and volition and could get idea across more efficiently. I have also

put some effort in practice mediating at work, I found that even though there

may not be always a resolution but in most of the cases there are better

understanding. That in itself is a healing process and may bring more harmony

to the work place. I have to admit that for me there is still a long way to go to

become a good Buddhist Mediator but as a Buddhist we believe in the efficacy

of effort therefore we have to be confident that at least given time we would be

able learn to fine tune our technique of reframing and use of words and

internalize the process and at the same time we must not forget to develop our

mental quality of Mindfulness so that we can actually bring peace to the room.”

Conclusion:

The BM Model was validated by the reflective journal on the role-playing

exercise. The Five ARM was validated by examples from role-playing exercises in

the BM course and everyday conflict situation such as a traffic jam. Right

Mindfulness from the Eightfold Path was emphasized as a quality of a Buddhist

Mediator and would constitute a transformative practice for the student to follow.

(End of Essay 7)

(End of Chapter 6)

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CHAPTER 7: RESULTS

7.1 Results of the Process Research on the 3 Cases 7.1.1 Stage One

7.1.2 Stage Two

7.1.3 Stage Three

7.2 Results of the Discourse Analysis on the 7 Essays 7.2.1 Comparative Analysis of the 7 Essays




7.1 Results of the Process Research on the 3 Cases

The mediator’s intervention in the three cases by the Five ARM method

achieved the desired effect for the process of change as stated in Egan’s model and

converges with the results of the study of the successful change event with regard to

the construction of the parties’ problem (Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington,

1998). The construction of the problem for the couple shifted from intrapersonal

blaming to interpersonal relational and mutual contribution to the problem during the

process of transformation.

The below underlined headings for analysis of the cases are based on the same

headings of analysis used for the three stages of the successful change event in the

research by Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998 (See Diagram A attached

to this chapter).

7.1.1 STAGE ONE: WHAT’S GOING ON?

Or The present scenario – Exploring their problems

Or The first two links of the chain of Dependent Origination:

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1. Ignorance (avijja)

2. Karmic activities (sankhara)

Stage 1: Each party tells his or her own story of conflict (Coulehan,

Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998 )

According to the existing theory and research on the process of change, in Stage

One, the task of the mediator is to facilitate the parties in expressing their respective

construction of the problem and explore exceptions and differences of how they

perceive the problem. The mediator aims to identify the interpersonal contribution

to the problem and the intrapersonal awareness of how each of them can help to

solve the problem. The original story is told by the parties, and the mediator

reframes their stories by highlighting their ‘blind spots’ (Egan, 2002) or their

perception of the problem with new perspectives.

1A) Construction of the problem and avenues to solution are described

Case 1.

In the beginning of the session, the wife’s construction of the conflict was mostly

from interpersonal aspects of how the couple fought, e.g. over issues about the child.

The husband’s view as to whether he agreed with the wife’s version was sought.

When they described the incident of the “socks issue,” both the wife and the husband

had different constructions, and the description was more intrapersonal and blaming.

W: It seemed our perceptions were quite different.

[25]H: I didn’t take the baby away. I felt she was quite irrational and

hysterical…Later on when we discussed this issue, we called it “Socks

Issue”.

The mediator explored with the couple how they stopped their fight over the “socks

issue” and differences in their perceptions of the problem were recognized and

reframed.

[45]M: How did you stop that time?

W: Not speaking to each other.

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M: What about the baby?

W: It followed his decision and hadn’t put the socks on.

H: My memory differed from yours. I remember the baby was dressed in socks that

time and from then on he had always been dressed in socks.

[50]M: He compromised.

Case 2.

The wife’s construction of the problem in the beginning of the session was

about the interpersonal communication between the couple in the past:

W: If the former questions are handled well, it will not affect the later conflict

between us. Conflict is just like a tree, if you don’t hack away it , it will grow

larger and larger, until explosion.

The husband’s construction of the problem was also interpersonal at the beginning

but he referred to their faults as individuals. He seemed to be concerned about the

intrapersonal dimension of the problem at the same time.

H:I think that divorce is a failure to us no matter who is right and who is wrong,

perhaps both of us have faults, and we will learn our lesson in future. We did

something wrong, but we might think the other one was wrong, we have many

faults, and I hope that you can analyze them for us, so we will have confidence

for future marriage. We don’t hope that the divorce will influence our future.

He agreed that the problem was basically an interpersonal conflict and that both

had contributed to the divorce. Both husband and wife agreed to the reframing by

the mediator on the construction of their problem as how to improve interpersonal

communication.

H: besides, my attitudes and behavior also hurt her.

M: do you agree that both of you have created the present situation? What you want to

improve is the method of communication, Even though you are no longer

husband and wife, you want to understand each other more and want to know how you

can help to improve the situation?

The wife’s construction of the problem turned to intrapersonal and blaming

when the husband began his story of how they had problems relating with their

friends and family.

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W: (interrupting in a loud and sarcastic tone) more clearly, troubles all arise with

his family and friends. He admits himself also, I have my family and friends,

but I don’t have conflict with them.

The wife continued with her construction of the problem as the husband’s fault

for focusing only on his extended family.

W: besides, I think we have our own family, we should focus on our small family

before the big family, including our parents, brothers and sisters, but he doesn’t

think so.

[54]M: you have different ideas about family. His point is from large to small, and

yours is from small to large.

Case 3.

The husband and wife constructed their problem as not being comfortable in their

marriage because they were very different from each other. They had both

intrapersonal and interpersonal perspectives of the problem.

W: We were just two different people and after living together, we are still so

different.

H: We have different habits, personalities and ideas as well.

The wife complained about the husband as being too close to his parents and

extended family. W: I hope he can be a husband rather than a son.

After exploring what the wife wanted from the husband, the mediator reframed

and normalized the wife’s expectation from being too demanding to too romantic.

“Being idealistic means being romantic. [91].” Both parties agreed to the reframing

and shifted the focus to less on the blame for the intrapersonal aspect of each other

and moved onto the interpersonal aspect of the problem:


H: She is younger than I and may ask for more about relationship. She always

wishes me to be with her, which means doing nothing but just staying together.

That is what she asks for.[93].

1B) Interpersonal aspects of the problem or solution are highlighted

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Case 1.

The wife responded to the intervention by accepting the ‘compromise’ of the

husband and started to reveal more vulnerability and self-disclosure of her feelings

and thinking which brought about the behavior, i.e., her obsessive control of the child

[51].

W: In most situations he compromised. I like to get control…I’m easy-going with

others while like to control him at home. After the birth of our child, I found it

was hard to control him, and I gave up. I started to get control of the child. And

now I felt I shouldn’t act this way.

The mediator’s reframing of the problem was about the decision-making

process or ‘discussion process’ between the parties on trivial matters and issues about

child care.

M: But your ultimate goal is in the child’s best interest, isn’t it? Your goals are

consistent in the child’s interest. And the problem does not lie in your goals, but

in your discussing process. The underlying problem is about yourselves, about

your effort to control the other. I think, if the problem lies in yourselves, indeed,

there are effective ways to deal with your own problems.

They were made aware of the new perspectives, and the parties achieved a new

awareness in order to move to the next stage of the process which was to explore

how their communication could be improved.

Case 2.

The wife was telling her story about how disappointed she was about the

husband’s behavior. The mediator brought out that the wife wanted support and

understanding from the husband. She just needed him to listen and understand her

feelings.

W: yes, but he is not kind. This is my feeling about his words. I said why you lived

with me if you didn’t believe me. What broke my heart most was that, just after

my childbirth, something unhappy happened in my institute, no matter whether I

was wrong, he criticized me much without thinking that would have impact on

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my health….

M: what did you want him to say at that time

[75]W: “don’t be bothered by your career, stay at home and feed the child. Left the

boring things to them, I believe what you said.” I did not wish him to help

me to solve the troubles

Since they did not address their past wrong, it was their mutual concern to find

out after their divorce what had gone wrong and how to change the past pattern of

behavior.

Case 3.

The couple accepted the mediator’s reframing that the wife was idealistic and

romantic in her expectations of marriage. The husband knew what the wife

expected but could not achieve it. The mediator supported the wife in her

expectation but reframed it as an interpersonal relational perspective of the problem.

M: I agree with you. This cannot be achieved by only one, but needs you two’s

efforts.

[120]W: One hand cannot make a clap.

M: It’s one of the reasons. I think he wants the same thing as you. The problem is

how to do this? Do you agree that husband and wife should cooperate on this

issue? Your feeling of love is great.

1C) Exceptions to the problem are recognized and construction of the problem

and avenues to solutions are described:

Case 1.

The mediator tried to explore some exceptions to their problem:

M: When you both lose temper, you don’t listen to each other. Is this the case? How

can you stop? You mentioned that a separation was needed. (to the wife)

As a new perspective of mutual contribution to the problem, the mediator reframed

the wife’s complaint of the husband into a problem of not being able to understand

and express her needs [70].:

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To know themselves better and to enhance their communication pattern, the

parties needed some psycho-educational resources for reference, so the mediator

acted as an expert, educator and resource person [72-76].

Case 2.

The wife and husband acknowledged that both had suffered in the past and both

had faults that contributed to the divorce, and that they needed to change in order to

have better communication in the future for the sake of their child.

H: despite the divorce, I hope we are alright, because we decided about it together.

M: it is right. If you have the same opinion, you would not divorce. For the common

purpose, we should investigate into what’s wrong, and the common views about

the faults of yourself and the other side’s. If you have common views, it will be

easier to face the problem about the child in future.

W: for the child, we will still need to put in effort together

Case 3.

The mediator reframed their conflict as a common phenomenon and normalized

their problem:

M:Some women tend to forget that men have their duties and women have theirs.

You may not know that the most dangerous period of marriage is four years.

It’s universal. Now you have been married only for one year and you still can

tell what you like and don’t like. But if you don’t make it clear after four

years and keep the temperature, it’s dangerous [150].

The mediator introduced a new perspective by suggesting to the couple that it

was essential to keep the temperature or passion if the marriage was going to work,

and that their problem was ‘common’ [176]. The reframe of the sanna was to

acknowledge the mutual problem of keeping the temperature as an interpersonal

behavior rather than intrapersonal ego-centric blaming of each other or a

self-centered desire for change as in the unwholesome root of action of greed (lobha).

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Both parties should recognize this problem as critical to their marriage and that it

caused suffering for both of them. The problem should be discussed and resolved as

soon as possible.

According to the analysis of the cases:

At the end of Stage 1 the direction of the 5 Aggregates Reframing Model is to

change their perception or sanna so that the parties accept that

(i) the problem has caused suffering for both of them

(ii) they have both contributed to the problem, and

(iii) they need to change.

7.1.2 STAGE TWO– WHAT SOLUTIONS MAKE SENSE?

Or The preferred scenario – Redefining their problems

Or The 3rd to 10th links of the chain of dependent origination:

3. consciousness (vinnana)

4. mind and matter (namarupa)

5. six- sensedoors (salayatana)

6. contact (phassa)

7. sensation (vedana)

8. craving (tanha)

9. clinging (upadana)

10. becoming (bhava)

Stage 2: Effective responses among family members shifted as the new story

emerged.

In Stage 2 the research by Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington (1998)

confirms that the successful change event will have the characteristics of a change of

emotional responses between the parties indicating a move from blaming to more

supportive and positive attitudes of the members of the family. In addition, some

strengths or values of the family will be identified and linked to change in the future

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behaviors of the parties.

Further, the successful change event will mean that the parties are engaged in

constructive problem solving of their conflict. In the research found in Sustaining

Engagement: A Change Event in Family Therapy by Friedlander, Heatherington,

Johnson and Skowron (1994), a conceptual model is formulated to work with parties

whenever there is a disengagement impasse ( See Diagram B ). The Task

Environment involves four steps:

1. Recognition of personal contribution to impasse

2. Communication about impasse

3. Acknowledgement of others’ thoughts and feelings

4. New Constructions about the impasse

2A) Positive attributes of parties being acknowledged and mediator being

attuned to the statement of blame by blocking, re-interpreting, exploring or

reframing.

Case 1.

The mediator highlighted the positive attributes of the wife to the husband in a

separate meeting. The past conflict of the wife opposing the husband to change

from a doctor to a lawyer was reframed into positive attributes.

M: I can feel that she understood you. It’s no good to oppose to the plan which you

had made up your mind to carry out. She is not an unreasonable woman.

The mediator was attuned to the negative statements of the husband and

reframed them to a mutual concern that both parties wanted to protect the child when

they disagreed with each other.

H: Yea, this is my strength and I can do more things…But her concern was that

it’s difficult to register as a lawyer, and this career’s risk-taking. These were

all negative thoughts. Our conflicts on child care also reflect such similar

difference of thoughts.

[98]M: This is a kind of protection for the child.

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Case 2.

The mediator highlighted their body language in the mediation session: when

the wife talked about past conflict she reverted to an aggressive state and the husband

withdrew and closed up refusing to listen in a passive aggressive manner. When the

mediator intervened by reframing the sanna, the wife became ‘softened’ and

expressed her guilt and pain in divorcing the husband. The husband also shifted to

a “softened” mood when he did not need to be passive aggressive in response to the

wife. M: I observe a pattern here: that is, when you talk about the problem about him, his

body language is not listening. I should inform you that you should understand the

communication between couple, what can be said, and what cannot. Everything

could be said when he trusts you.

W: why I chose to divorce, because the burden on my back was too heavy. Words

shouldn’t be said were so many that I didn’t know what to say at last.

The sanna was reframed to a mutual concern which refocused them on the problem

not the people that had caused the suffering.

The mediator reframed it indicating that both of them needed to be respected.

H: this is the basic thing, if not, she will humiliate me in the presence of the child,

or I do the same thing.

In the separate meeting, the husband shifted the emotional response towards the

wife from blaming to supportive and even sympathetic and guilty for the suffering he

had caused her by marrying her.

H: if the girl is very attentive, she will feel whether you love her, when she knows that you

don’t love her, she will be heartbroken very much

M: it is that she feels she is a victim. She feels that you don’t accept this marriage, you

don’t have passion for her

[400]H: I haven’t thought about this aspect, I just want to get along with her well

in this family

Case 3.

The mediator pursued with the wife what responses she would want from the

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husband, but the wife became passively disengaged from the discussion.

M: So you think your husband does not actively do these things and makes no

response to your efforts. What kind of things you consider as romantic that he

doesn’t respond?

[125]W: I cannot think of any at this moment, maybe because I don’t remember.

I need time to recall.

The mediator persisted with the discussion of the differences that she would like to

see from the husband. The wife even directly disengaged from the discussion of the

problem.

M: Do you mean you are not happy deep in your heart?

[155]W: It is not happy or unhappy, because I have other happy things to do.

From being passively disengaged from the process of change, the husband and

wife slowly moved towards further discussion on how to improve their situation.

The mediator facilitated the couple in changing their feelings and thinking about

their problem. Upon being challenged by the mediator of her thinking (sanna), the

wife confirmed she did not regard the marriage as a failure despite her complaints,

and they finally agreed that there were some ‘trivial things’ accumulated that had

caused the wife to regret being separated from her ex-boyfriend.

The Marker Phase was demonstrated by the wife showing signs of

‘hopelessness’ or passiveness in engaging with the husband to resolve their conflict,

and the husband was not ready to accept his contribution to the problem. However,

they had been asked by the mediator how they could co-operate with each other and

started to talk about the problem in interpersonal aspects rather than intrapersonal

([122, 123]).

H: I think keeping a love relationship and marrying in Mainland China may

involve numerous trivia, for example, each other’s parents, families, relatives

and friends and even everyday housework. So it is different from just love

affair, which may only need dating and does not deal with families and things

like cooking.

W: I don’t think what he said may constitute a problem. Cooking and not going

out because of parents do not mean unromantic. Romance does not

362

necessarily consist of kindling candles when having dinner and accompanied

by a violin player. It is one sort of romance but not the only one. I think

cooking and staying with parents also can be romantic. I don’t think what he

mentioned are problems. Sometimes just a slight action or a simple sentence

can be romantic. Romance need not take much money or energy.

Moving from being disengaged from their impasses, the couple agreed that

there was something that they could do to resolve this after the mediator facilitated

the exchange of their views on the problem and normalized their conflict as

developmental in their marital status:

[180]M: Yes. It’s like the growth of a child. Most care is needed when the child is

just born.

H: I don’t think delay is good for us. I feel that we should solve it as soon as

possible.

Pursuing the problem with the wife, the mediator reframed the situation so that

the wife became more engaged in the problem solving:

W: Passion has past away.

M: No, passion needs maintenance. Being passionate means being romantic.

W: I think at least he can keep some temperature.

M: You mean taking action to keep that temperature.

W: Yes, I think one can make this.

The husband softened when in a separate meeting with the mediator and identified

more positive aspects of the wife:

[430]H: She is a good person but only has a high standard in love. She cannot

change from girlfriend to wife.

H: She is young so she may be a little westernized. I think I am traditional for I will

take my parents, friends even sister-in-law into consideration.

H: She is young and innocent. Though she is much younger than I, but she is

clever, unlike my ex girlfriend. She never says any thought or opinion until we

broke up. Till then I knew that she had thought so much but never told me. But

my wife is different. She will express herself out, no matter happiness or anger. I

liked her for behaving this way. And she was a good person who was righteous

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and kind. What can you ask more for a girl? Of course she has beautiful figure.

But her thoughts were immature.

The mediator empowered the husband to find more possible solutions to

handling the wife’s emotional outburst:

M: What did you do to make her stop?

[460]H: I will tell her when I think she is wrong. I once said to her: “you are still

missing your ex” and so on. She was silent then.

2B) The contribution of family history or structure was recognized

Case 1.

It was part of the structure of the research design of the Tsinghua Project to use

the questionnaire of Dr. Ago to facilitate change or insight from the wife’s

perspective of her conflict with her husband. The questionnaire had been useful to

bring insight to the wife about her own personal psychological development [28, 29].

W: Yes. I know that sometimes he apologies to make me feel good, but I feel that his

manner is not like a man. A true man…There is a gap between my ideal world

and reality. But now here comes some changes: If he actually controls me like a

feudalistic husband, of course, I shall resist. Sometimes, I don’t know what

exactly I want…If he treats me badly, I would not be with him any longer…

M: So you attribute it to your own personal growth domain…

She understood how her family of origin had impacted her in her expectation of

the “true man,” an image that she would hope her husband would become [11-22].

M: Does this have some relationship with your family of origin?

W: Yea, it actually relates to my family of origin. I demand others according to the

“ideal map” in my mind, yet it’s not the case in reality.

W: I take for granted that a true man should never ask help from a woman, and he

is the only exception.

M: Have you ever met such a “true men” in your life?

W: I only have some faint impression. My grandpa seemed to be like this. It’s

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only a slight impression and I didn’t live with my grandpa for long time.

The mediator introduced a new perspective to the presenting problem that the

wife was experiencing her marital conflict as part of her developmental stage in the

life cycle as a woman [31].

M: How to turn a girl’s expectation into a woman’s principle? That’s to say, to

establish a self image of a woman also requires your partner’s efforts.

W: Yea, it is actually the case.

Case 2.

The husband acknowledged that the way they got married was wrong and that

this had contributed to the failure of the marriage. There was deep sharing with the

mediator about his sex life and his past girlfriend [295 -405]. The husband

therapeutically moved into a ‘peak’ session with intimate self-disclosure. (Greenberg

et al, 1993) According to the Greenberg research (1993), the couple in later

sessions would become more supportive, affirming and understanding and less

hostile and controlling. (Nichols, 1998)

[300]H: I admit that I didn’t like her much before. We don’t have much [sex]

before, and maybe it is important to a family, but I didn’t care about it

much. After we have the child, we had a severe quarrel, then we didn’t

have any.

M: for how long?

H: the child is three years old more than three years. She thinks that she is

suffering from no sex life. I can’t accept making love with someone who is

hostile to me. I didn’t like her much plus that she had hurt me much, I was

incompatible too. Sometimes she treats me very well, and she visited me when I

was sick at hospital

M: your opinions of love are different. You got marriage too fast, and you didn’t

understand the situation after marriage.

H: I courted the former girl friend very hard, because I liked her. But I thought this

process was not romantic later, and I thought it did not matter that I didn’t like

her, but she should like me. So I got marriage with her for this purpose. But

today, I think this decision was wrong.

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The husband attributed the wife’s quarrelling with him in front of his parents

causing family disharmony as one of the major reasons for their marriage

breakdown.

[460]H: when I was at hospital, she went to see me. It was very hot at noon, and I

was very moved, I still missed her. But she still quarreled with me, even I

was recuperating at my parents’ home, my mother’s heart is not very

good, It made my heart ache very much. I envy the one whose home is

harmonious

Case 3.

The wife married the husband shortly after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend

whom her parents did not like. Parental consent to the marriage was highly

important to her.

W: Maybe I sort of followed my parents' suggestions. If not, what could I do? If

they were unsatisfied, we would not be happy when we were together.

The wife attributed the cause of her unhappiness to her vision of what an ideal

marriage should be and that living with his parents was not structurally conducive to

happiness of the couple.

[590]W: Maybe it would be better if we did not live with his parents.

M: Ah.

W: Maybe I am very immature and naive. My mother always says that I am too

idealistic, too romantic and too unpractical. There is no such emotion and love

like I said in the real life. Love will change after marriage. My mother always

says I am dreaming. There is no such thing. She says that she has lived through

marriage for many years and the love mentioned by me is not possible. But I

always think it is not like this. Maybe I have found the ideal love.

The husband found it difficult to accept her strong opinions about his parents.

H: I was going to prepare breakfast for her this morning, but she would not let

me do it.

W: It was not possible. If you did it, your parents would hate me. They would say

I abuse you.

[800]H: You may be thinking too much.

366

W: That is really the case.

The husband’s perception of the wife’s obsessive demands of him had to do

with her family of origin where she grew up without her parents, and her insecurity

had contributed to their marital problem. The wife’s neediness was reflected in her

family structure as well as the ex-boyfriend’s family structure.

H: She just wants me to have no parents, no brother or sister and live with her just

the two of us. Can you understand?

M: I can understand.

H: Her ex boyfriend doesn’t have mother or sibling and only has a father.

[375]M: So she wants everybody stand by her side.

2C) The party identifies family strength or values that are associated with

change

Case 1.

The mediator introduced constructive conflict resolution techniques to the

husband and taught him the use of the ‘I’ Message model.

M: What are the child’s needs? You can say what you’ve perceived. But the facts she

perceived may differ from yours….

H: I understand. Your way is just like a negotiation. Both parties present their own

request and it’s better to set up a standard.

[130]M: By using objective criteria as a principle for negotiation…

Case 2.

The mediator facilitated the exchange between the couple about what they had

done during the marriage for the benefit of their family.

W: Everyone should change himself for the family, and he had promised me

before. Before marriage, I liked going shopping, chatting with my friends, but

after marriage and the birth of our child, I needed to behave to be a mother

for the son, a wife for the husband. I had done all of these.[2]”

367

The mediator reframed by normalizing and mutualizing the wife’s complaint of

the husband’s addiction to the internet.

M: your opinions on playing games is different, I think this disagreement is

understandable. She hopes you don’t put your time on it, one of the possible

conflict is because of your manner of behavior.

In a separate meeting, he mediator worked with the strength of the husband to

change their interaction.

[251]M: do you think she cares much about your reactions? She won’t be angry if she

likes what you said. She seems to care much about what you say.

H: your meaning is that I can control her?

Case 3.

By locating the husband’s position on the traditional-modern continuum, the

mediator reframed the husband’s dilemma as the importance to save the marriage

with the wife in order to keep the relationship with extended family.

M: You need to keep the marriage relationship...then you can keep your

relationship with your parents.[1327].

The husband was traditional although he would be prepared to do more

housework than the wife. He would want to protect his extended family more than

he would protect his wife as he was concerned if he gave in to the wife, the wife

would be more unreasonable to his family. [1296]

The wife’s dilemma was reframed as follows:

M: From a woman's perspective, I think that is because she has just joined your

family. Your relations with the family members are very close. To her, it is

difficult for her to get in.[1319].

The family values of the wife were motivation for her to change their

relationship instead of divorcing him.

M: Then what are you going to do, considering your present situation?

W: I have no idea. I am thinking about this question. You suggest we may divorce or

something. If I have no parents, relatives and friends, if I have nobody to care,

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then I can do whatever I want to do. I can divorce instantly. I do not care. But

the reality is different. I have father, mother and I have a family. It is a

restriction.

She got her strength from her family values.

W: I am not that kind of person. Even if I like somebody else. But I am his wife

right now, and I am under the restriction of morality. I will not do anything

immoral against my marriage. I may do some special thinking sometimes, but

I will not betray my sense of morality.

The wife even identified the positive side of the interpersonal relational aspects

of the conflict.

[710]M: So your husband perceives your change. He feels unsafe. You have

changed a lot in the time of one year.

W: But I think my change is caused by him. If he maintains in the romantic

atmosphere of love, I will not change.

M: This is interactive. He changes, so you change.

The mediator introduced a new perspective to the husband and created doubt

about his position of the wife being unreasonable. The husband came to the

realization that the wife’s situation within his family was something that he did not

understand.

H: Many factors could be taken into consideration. Maybe I did not know much

about women's logic.

To sustain engagement in the problem solving, the couple exchanged their

thinking and feeling about their impasses.

[1135]H: Many problems about her are derived from distrusting me. Other

things are not the priority. The disputes with my parents and my

brother's wife are not so important. The first thing is: she does not trust

me. Like she thought I paid too much attention to some other female in

my schoolmates' party. Sometimes we brought that out when

quarrelling. From her opinion, I might pay too much attention to

someone. But actually, I did not.

W: If he really loves, it does not matter how much attention he pays to other

people. It does not matter. Many issues, especially the issue of his brother's

369

wife, reflect the fact that he does not love me.

H: Other things happened first. Then came the issue of my brother's sister.

W: All my discontent for other things will be brought into my mind when I think

about the issue of your brother's wife.

In Stage 2, the objectives of the Five Aggregates Reframing Model are to:


interest

(ii) shift emotion from blaming to separate the people from the problem or sharing

of grief, and



7.1.3 STAGE THREE– HOW DO I GET WHAT I WANT OR NEED?

Or The Solution Phase - Solution building

Or the 11th and 12 links of the chain of dependent origination:

11. Birth, Rebirth (jati)

12. Old age and death (jaramarana)

Stage 3: Hope or the possibility of change was acknowledged.

In Stage 3 according to the research of Coulehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington

(1998), the parties are more empathetic to each other’s plight, and they show

commitment to change for a better future. The shift to hope is often associated with

expression of love or commitment. The therapist/mediator needs to be responsive

to the parties’ feelings and emotional moments.

Case 1.

Expression of love for each other and the family was an important element in

the resolution of their conflict. When the couple tried to use the “I” message model,

they had a new experience of understanding each other’s feelings and thoughts as

well as needs.

370

W: He told me something about his thoughts and his real state at that time. I can

understand his mood. I was angry that he didn’t come back for a whole day; but

his expression in such a way showed that he concerned with our family. Then I

may reflect on my own thoughts: maybe I misunderstood him.

[160]M: Does his present pattern of expressing turn out better?

W: Much better.

M: You can tell her what your present pattern of expressing is like.

H: I stated the facts first, and then expressed my feelings, and brought you hope.

I had also expressed my thoughts and needs…

They expressed hope of changing their communication patterns in the future and

of committing to the common ground.

H: I’ve learnt a new way of coping, that is a way of “Negotiation”. We can find a

proper time and proper place, state what facts we have perceived, find a standard

and then make up a decision. That’s it.

W: I agree.

M: Common standard, common goals. Then you may come to a specific plan. Each

plan has its different possibility.

Case 2.

The parties expressed understanding of each other’s plight. The wife actually

accepted or permitted the husband’s not taking care of the son if there was an

emergency.

H: I don’t care about the length of the time, mainly hope no problem happens

W: I have said to him that if you had some emergency, I permit, but if you play

games, I won’t permit. But if you go to drink with your friends that you haven’t

seen for a long time, I won’t permit, the child is more important than your

friends after all.

The mediator highlighted the common ground, and the couple confirmed their

hope for change in the future [500]W: the focal point is how to treat the child

M: yes, I think you have the same common ground: behave as good parents, you

should pay much and much effort. I think the child could have good future if he

could be looked after well

371

Case 3.

The mediator responded to the emotional moments and commented “in a

matter-of-fact manner.” (P.17-33)

M: You see now. Why is she so painful? Maybe you have no idea why she feels so

much pain.

[1375]H: Maybe it’s because she has a high standard of love. Because she didn’t live

with her parents and got little care and love and her ex-boyfriend gave her

a lot of care, so she feels disappointed of me.

W: Why do you make me disappointed? I think a man who loves me will not make

me disappointed. Everybody says that women in love are the happiest people.

M: Ok, now you tell her your thought. Now you understand what in the past you

didn’t. What do you know about her today?

The mediator showed empathy for the wife’s plight.

M: …First year is the most difficult time and then it will be easier. Now the most

important question for you is whether you want this marriage. If you do, you

should figure out how to keep it. If you do not make an effort, I can say that in

less than two years you will encounter bigger problems.

W: I feel I have made great effort and am very tired now.

M: But you cannot figure it out by yourselves. Today is the second time we meet. I

still feel your husband does not know you but I know you a lot. So what can you

do?

[1390]W: I think the problem is not he does not know me, but he does not want to

know me. Sometimes he deliberately avoids some questions and refuses

to face them.

The husband accepted the action plan that was proposed by the wife.

H: There are some things that I did not think much. I have to have a thought about

what she said. Really, from her angle, many things of her are reasonable.

[1175]M: What does she ask of you?

H: She wants me to support her, no matter whether she is right or wrong.

The mediator used a hypothetical situation for solution-building, reversing the

12th and 11th links (Death to rebirth).

372

M: What if he trusts you? What are you going to do? What will happen?

[1245]W: I do not care how you will do it. But you should let her know I am the

most important to you. Your wife is the most important to you.

Besides your wife, nobody else is more important to you.

M: He has shown it.

W: He has not.

M: If he has done so...

W: Then I will be cleared of all doubts.

[1250]M: There will be no more problems.

W: I will not be suspicious any more. I will not wonder whether he does not love

me. I will not wonder whether the situation is different if he marries another

woman. I will not think so.

H: If she thinks so, I will be relieved.

The mediator checked the reality with the husband about the solution to their

problem to see if it would also fit his interests.

H: Today, she let me know how to solve the problem of my brother's wife.

[1325]M: Do you want to treat her in some new ways?

H: This is ok.

M: You need to keep the marriage relationship...then you can keep your relationship

with your parents.

H: At least I know how to do it.

Positive attributes of the husband and the wife were explored, and the mediator

related them back to the cause of their suffering.

W: I think I am confident to say that I know him in certain aspect. He is a person

who is truly faithful to his family and will not allow others to do bad things to

his family. But this merit does not include me. You see? I am not in.

W: He believes that I tell the truth because I am not a big mouth. If I am, he would

not marry me.

M: Really?

W: No man would like to marry a big mouth.

[1410]M: Do you agree?

H: Yes, she is not the kind of women who will speak evil things on the back of

others. If she is, I will not marry her.

373

The mediator highlighted their common goal.

M: I hope this can be a good beginning. I am glad to see you finally accomplish a

contract. It’s important to you, but whether it can work all depends on

yourselves, ok? To establish a relationship will need a lot of effort. I hope you

can be patient and believe in each other. This space is difficult to handle. Not

only the first year, but every year is difficult. But what matters is that you

have a belief. If you want to keep it, you must try to find a way out.

The wife and the husband both expressed a change in their experience of their

problem and a shift from intrapersonal blaming to interpersonal mutual problem

solving resulting in intrapersonal insight or new awareness for each of the party.

W: Maybe it’s not all his fault. Maybe I am too rough to his sister-in-law. Maybe I

should treat her in another way, but I am not that kind of person.

[1435]W: I am that kind of person who will feel guilty when seeing other people

admitting their fault.

M: There is one thing I know for sure about him. He wants to keep this marriage.

He just feels difficult to express himself, right? He agrees to change himself to

save his marriage, right?

H: Yes, I do.

There was expression of hope for their future as noted by the therapist.

L: I thought you have no hope. Last time your wife said she didn’t care and I

thought she really didn’t care about your marriage. But today I can feel her

effort. So I think we can help you.

By changing the 4th Aggregate from obsessions to an action plan acceptable to the

parties and reframing the sanna to a common ground in the interest of the parties,

the objectives of the Five Aggregates Reframing Model in Stage 3 are:



(iii) parties hope to change for the better

374

7.2 Results of the Discourse Analysis of the 7 Essays

To validate the BM Model, the analysis of the reflective journals of the students

of the BM course and the role- playing exercises will be summarized and a

hypothesis will be drawn from the analysis in this chapter.

To recap what is required of the analyst of the discourses according to Foucault’s

dossier approach (1975), the following will be set out:

1. The analysis on the three research questions from the seven journals will be

compared.

2. Patterns will be identified from the analysis of their discourses on the three

research questions.

3. Hypothesis regarding the BM Model will be inferred from the patterns.

4. Counter examples will be highlighted from the data of the role- playing exercises

and the journals to test the hypothesis.

5. Search for other texts from similar context of producing the data (e.g. similar

journals from a previous BM course) for the purpose of validation of the

hypothesis.

6. Confirm or modify the hypothesis of the BM Model.

7.2.1 Comparative Analysis of the 7 essays

A comparative analysis on the three research questions is made. Categories

identified to which samples are collected from the data and grouped under the

different categories.


Research Question 1: How do the students “see” the BM Model and the Five

ARM? –

375

In the analysis of the above research question, the researcher uses the stance of a

teacher and theorist of the new model and also as a member of the community of

Buddhist mediators, which has some shared meanings and language. My concern

as a teacher and theorist of the BM Model is that I did not make myself clear to the

students what I was teaching and/or that the theory had a major flaw. To address

my concern, I shall look for the commonalities and also the counter examples of

what are not written in the essays which may represent the gaps in the theory or what

I might not have conveyed as a teacher regarding the BM Model during the course.

The analysis of the data to Research Question 1 will show how the students

understood the BM Model and the Five ARM. Categories are identified from the

data to include references to

a. “the five aggregates”,

b. “the 12 links” and

c. the application or skills involved in the practice of the Five ARM and the

BM Model

a. “the five aggregates”

References to the five aggregates are made in all the essays inferring that all the

students do understand the theory of the five aggregates and its connection with the

Five ARM:

Essay 1: The syllabus from the BM course covers the four areas, one of which is the

Five ARM. The theory of the 12 links is connected to the process of mediation and

the techniques of solution-focused brief therapy :

“(1) the concepts of conflict resolution and the solution-focused techniques in

interviewing, (2) the Buddhist philosophy – the theory of the five aggregates of

reality in application, (3) the application of a model by integrating the

techniques of solution-focused brief therapy and the mediation process with

Buddhist theories and practices and (4) self reflection on the transition from my

usual professional role to that of Buddhist peacemaker.”

376

Essay 2: The importance of the Five ARM is recognized :

“a useful tool is to make use of the Five Aggregates under the Buddhist context;

the following brief summary describes the important considerations when

performing the role of a Buddhist mediator.”

Essay 3: The five aggregates are explained in detail:

“the Buddhist model of the composite of a human being – the Five Aggregates.

According to the teachings of the Buddha, a human being in terms of body and

mind can be reduced to only the five aggregates and nothing more.”

Essay 4: The student describes more than the five aggregates. The student starts

with the roots of conflict from the perspectives of the general theory of conflict

resolution and the Buddhist theory:

“(A) The roots of conflict

From general theories of mediation, conflict is analyzed in terms of its

nature as “Data Conflict”, “Interest Conflict”, “Structural Conflict”, “Value

Conflict” and “Relationship Conflict”. The theories seldom go into the underlying

causes of conflict. Buddhism, however, studies the causes of conflict.

From the Buddhist perspective, conflict, as one kind of human suffering, is

caused by the three racial roots of moral evils, named as akusala mula. There are

three types of akusala mula : Greed (lobha), Hatred (dosa) and Delusion (moha).

They are the roots of all self-centered desires. When two parties are interacting

with the opposing self-centered desires, conflict is inevitable.”

The student also describes the five aggregates as the “self” and the need to

deconstruct the “self”:

“(C) The Psychology of the Conflicting Party

“Five Aggregates” is another very fundamental doctrine in Buddhism. It

explains what we conceive of ‘Self’. In contrary to our common belief on there is

a substantial ‘Self’ or ‘Ego’ , Buddhism denies the existence of real ‘Self’. In

Buddhism, there is an important concept of ‘non-self’(Anatta). ‘Non-Self’ means

there is not an independent and constant entity called ‘Self’. What we

experience and regard as ‘I’ is the sum of the functions of the Five Aggregates

(Pancakkkhandha).”

377

Essay 5: The student understands the BM Model as being based on the theory of the

five aggregates and the 12 links but he only appreciated it in the second part of the

course after all the general theory and practice of conflict resolution skills had been

covered.

“Considering the division of the course on Buddhist mediation in two parts the

second part after this rather introductory and more theoretical part was more

practical one. In the centre of these lessons was a role play of mediation process,

quite often a case from the real life where there would have been a need for

mediation but it was not performed. For better understanding of the ideas of

Buddhist mediation a theory of Dependent Origination and the Five

Aggregates were brought in.”

Essay 6: The student describes the five aggregates as the key concepts behind the

BM Model.

“A skillful Buddhist mediator will be able to relate the problems of the

disputants in a conflict to the objective reality based on the Five Aggregates

thereby helping them to see more clearly the reality and identify more options

for resolving the conflict.”

Essay 7: The student applies the five aggregates with examples from a role- playing

exercise.

“Hence, in Buddhist Mediation we are employing the model of the Five

Aggregates as a tool. In our previous example, we were already using the

model:

1) Matter is the objective reality: The couple is divorcing and they both

want the TV.

2) Sensation: They both feeling angry.

3) Perception: (husband) I have lost a lot of things, the TV is all I have got.

(wife) It is our anniversary present and it is of

sentimental value and It is all I have got but you

won’t allow me to keep it.

4) Mental formation: They both want to keep it.

b. “the 12 links”

378

Only four out of seven students referred to the theory of the12 links process

and its correlation with the five aggregates.

Essay 3: The student explains in detail the correlation between the 12 links and the

five aggregates.

“With this basic understanding of the Five Aggregates, we were further

introduced to an innovative correlation between them and the 12 links of

Dependent Origination as established by Boisvert M. in his book The Five

Aggregates – Understanding TheravAda Psychology and Soteriology:

Correlation between the 12 links of Dependent Origination and the Five Aggregates 16

Elements of the 12 links of Dependent Origination Corresponding Aggregate

Consciousness (vinnANa) vinnANa (the 4th Aggregate)

Mind and matter (nAmarUpa) the five aggregates

The six sense doors (saLAyatanA) rUpa (the 1st Aggregate)

Sensory stimuli (phassa) rUpa (the 1st Aggregate)

Sensation (vedanA) vedanA (the 2nd Aggregate)

sannA (the 3rd Aggregate)

Craving (taNhA) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

Clinging (upAdAna) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

Becoming (bhava) sankhAra (the 4th Aggregate)

This correlation contributes greatly to providing insights for intervention in

mediation. Most conflicts arise as a result of, firstly, our recognition of the

situation, and then the formation of our attachment to our views of the situation.

From the correlation above, we can see the processes of craving, clinging and

becoming are all correlated to the fourth aggregate of saJkhAra, i.e. our volition

in the form of physical acts or mental formation. For transformation to happen,

mediators will find it useful to attempt to analyze and identify the parties’ mental

states using the five aggregates, and subsequently try to find ways for

transformation to take place particularly at the levels of the 3rd and 4th aggregates,

which are where perception and obsession are being formed.”

Essay 4: The student uses the 12 links theory to explain how we create and also

resolve our conflict:

“(B) The Arising of Conflict

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The opposing desires of the conflicting parties, like all human condition,

are impermanent (Anicca) and hence can be changed. In Buddhism, all human

condition is operated on the principle of Dependent Origination

(Paticca-sumuppada). The essence of the principle is that :

When ‘this’ exists, ‘that’ arises;

When ‘this’ does not exist, that does not arise;

With the arising of ‘this’, ‘that’ comes to arise;

With the cessation of ‘this’, ‘that’s cease comes to be.

The opposing desires of the conflicting parties are also operated on the

principle of Dependent Origination. As such if the mediator intervenes at the

process and some of the conditions do not exist, the result will be different as

well.”

Essay 5: The student has a basic understanding of the 12 links and the theory on

karma.

“The doctrine of Dependent Origination which serves as a central doctrine of

Buddhist thought was introduced in close connection with the theory of Five

Aggregates. The doctrine of Dependent Origination shortly said explains, that

by Buddhist view everything in this world is conditioned. There is no divine

force constructing our future, our own deeds and thoughts are what cause it.

Therefore one harvests what one has seeded.”

Essay 7: The student describes the theory of the 12 links as a cyclic process with

three temporal divisions:

“Another Buddhist model that we use is the Law of the 12 links dependent

origination:-1) Ignorance 2) Mental formation 3) Consciousness 4) Name

and Form 5) Six sense bases 6) Contact 7) Sensation 8) Craving 9)

Clinging 10) Becoming 11) Birth 12) Old age and Death

According to Buddhadassa1, since the third Buddhist council i.e. 300

years after the Parinibbana of Buddha, the Theravada Buddhist had

accepted that the teaching of the 12 links aims to explain the arising of

suffering through the span of past, present and future lives. However,

Buddhadassa argues that all the 12 links can be observed and contemplate

here and now in this life. In psychological sense, the process occurs as mental

events so it is a teaching we can work with. If ignorance was a link in the our

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previous life then there is nothing we can do about it now in this life. Even if

we agree with Buddhadassa that all 12 links could be observed in this life, we

still have a problem. In its linear progression, Ignorance comes before

contact i.e. which is before any sensory experience is possible then how can

we experience and work on it. One possible solution is that the 12 links are

not in linear progression rather they are linked together as a cyclical chain

i.e. ignorance can be the beginning and can be the end of the chain.

Furthermore, since Buddhism does not recognize a singular cause that could

lead to another singular cause, ignorance is a condition for the arising of the

other 11 links so it is there through out the chain.”

c. Skills and Application of Five ARM and BM Model

Among the conflict resolution skills learned, skills specific to the BM Model

and the Five ARM are referred to by four out of seven students. These skills

include mindfulness, observing the five aggregates, deconstruction of the ‘self’

image and the reframing of unwholesome sanna to wholesome sanna.

Essay 1: Conflict resolution skills include:

“rapport building through active mindful listening, observing and assessing the

five aggregates”

Essay 3: Correlation of the skill of not knowing with ‘mindfulness’ in the practice of

BM Model is described:

“the skill of Not Knowing. I think it is comparable to the Buddhist attitude of

mindfulness practice. It is the beginner’s mind, a mind that is willing to see

everything as if for the first time. It is a fresh awareness for the arising of each

present moment “without the attitude of criticizing and judging, or

discriminating between right and wrong, or good or bad.”

The student also comments on the approach of the BM Model and the process

of mediation emphasizing the transformative power of the deconstruction of the

‘self’ by using the Five ARM:

“A Buddhist approach of mediation is to treat the present causative patterns as

the basic reality. Reference to the past lets us understand them better, of course,

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but we should not think that the causes of the conflict are in the past. The

causes with most influence are those in current perceptions, feelings and

fantasies. This has profound implications for mediation. The events of the past

have power only as long as they are linked with self in the present. Greater

detachment by the party, and a shift in attitude by the other in response, can

cause the edifice of bitter conflict to come tumbling down.

Essay 4: The student creatively applies the 12 links in the context of mediation

emphasizing the deconstruction of the “concocted self”:

“The Dependent Origination in the Context of Mediation (Table 2)

Temporal

Division

Pali/ English Mind set of the conflicting party during

mediation process

1 Avijja

Ignorance

Before the

interaction

2 Sankhara

Karmic activities

They form the self-picture of the individual. It

is also the perception of the individual about

meaning of the conflicts to him/her.

3 Vinnana

Consciousness

4 Namarupa

Mind &Matter

5 Salayatana

Six sense-doors

6 Phassa

Contact

With orientation set at mind, it influences how

the individual perceives the interactions

(negotiation) with the conflicting parties during

the mediation process.

The individual interacts with the other party

during mediation.

7 Vedana

Sensation

It is feelings arisen during the interaction.

8 Tanha

Craving

It is the emergence of sentiment conditioned by

the previous link. It exists as the latent

tendency for generating a thought, a desire.

9 Upadana

Clinging

A thought in terms of an object, a view or

position has come up to an individual. The

“wants” is clear at this stage.

In the

process of

interaction

10 Bhava

Becoming

The conflicting party is obsessed and attached

strongly to the stated object.

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11 Jati

Birth; Re-birth

A new concocted self is born linked with the

stated object.

After the

interaction

12 Jaramarana

Old age & Death

The decay of the concocted self

The student also creatively applies the reframing of the sanna in the context of

mediation:


Unwholesome sanna with regard to the

past obsessions, will generate further

future obsessions as well.

If the negative interpretations cannot be

resolved, mistrust and negative feelings will

further be generated; which are the

hindrance of communication and obstacles in

mediation. Hence, reframing the negative

interpretation is an essential element in

mediation.


Transformation of unwholesome sanna

to wholesome sanna

Reframe the interpretation of situation/

problem, so that the parties can recognize the

reality.

“Recognition of Impermanent” as one

of the three Wholesome sanna


Lead the parties to examine the inconstant

(impermanent, ever-changing) nature of the

conditions leading the party obsessed with

their position (for instance the bargaining

power they possessed).

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“Recognition of Selflessness” as one of

the three Wholesome sanna regarding

the existence.

Lead the parties to understand that there are

multiple conditions which generate the

problems and situation. Very often, both

parties will blame each other for causing the

difficulties and thus put the blame on one

single cause and eventually conclude that the

other part should take the sole responsibility

for the problem.

“Recognition of Suffering” as one of

the three Wholesome sanna regarding

the existence.

Lead the parties to know the suffering of both

parties at the present conflicting situation. It

can be the common ground or the common

concerns of the parties.

Essay 5: On the application of the BM Model, the student understands the correlation

between the 12 links and the five aggregates and how to stop the craving through

reframing the sanna and thereby stopping the process of affliction and eventually

attaining wisdom (panna).

“Connecting the Five Aggregates with mediation one should also understand

the process that develops the craving. Vedana itself does not necessarily lead to

craving. A certain vedana may engender craving only if it is accompanied by

unwholesome sanna, for the latter is likely to give rise to obsessions. Therefore,

to stop the wheel of samkhara and to attain nibbana only a simple thing has to

be done; unwholesome sanna has to be replaced by wholesome sanna – panna

(wisdom). Having done that, one does not react to the sensations and new

samkhara cannot arise. Still, attaining nibbana without residue, the final goal of

true liberation will be achieved when also the old samkhara are eradicated.”

7.2.3 Research Question 2.

Research Question 2: What do the students “do” in relation to the Five ARM

and the BM Model? -

The researcher uses the stance of a facilitator or a coach in commenting on the

way the participants practice their roles as Buddhist Mediators. There are three

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complete transcripts of the role plays and others were commentaries on the role-

playing exercises.

My worst fear in reading the transcripts submitted by the students was whether

the students understood what I asked them to do in the role play and whether they

thought it made sense to them in the practice of the BM Model. As a reflexive

researcher, I would comment on whether the teaching objectives have been achieved

within each unit of analysis which is basically the three stages as demonstrated in the

Process Research of the analysis of the three cases of family mediation in this thesis.

Therefore in my analysis of the transcripts of the role-playing exercises my

focus is on the following areas:

a) how the process of BM worked and how the intervention of the Five ARM was

applied in teaching the BM course.

b) whether the student understood my coaching in the role-playing exercises and

whether the coaching helped to explain the model of BM and the Five ARM.

Categories identified from the data are:

a. intervention-effect of the Five ARM;

b. Process of the BM Model.

a. intervention-effect of the Five ARM

Three out of seven students reported the full transcript of the role-playing

exercises to demonstrate the effect of the Five ARM as an intervention. In the first

two role plays, the mediators were able to continue with the process of mediation

after the coach facilitated the mediator to analyze the five aggregates of the parties

when the mediator could not control the process.

In Role play 3, the mediator was able to apply the Five ARM as the coach

suggested in reframing the opening statements of the parties but was not able to

continue the process of BM because she was not able to reframe their sanna and

sankhara into mutual concern or common goal such as “you are both working for

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the same company in the best interest of the company.”

The other essays described the reframing skill as powerful and used the five

aggregates to describe the process of the role -playing exercise.

Essay 1- Role play 1.

At the end of Stage 1, the mediator was too early in generating option with the

parties on whether to perform the “tea ceremony” in order to rebuild the parties’

relationship.

“The session has come to a breaking point, i.e. either to make it or break it and

therefore need to recapitulate what have been said and quickly work on their five

aggregates.”

The coach then helped the mediator to analyze the five aggregates of the parties

and arrive at the agenda of mutual concerns. The mediator could continue the

process by conducting separate meetings with the parties where she created doubt

with the parties about what their positions (sankhara or eighth, ninth and tenth links)

on whether to sell or not to sell the property would bring them and think about what

range of outcome would fit their needs and interests. The parties were able to reach

very “innovative” terms of settlement.

Essay 2 - Role Play 2.

During Stage 1, the mediator lost control of the process and the coach had to

intervene to discuss the five aggregates of the parties and to work out the direction

for reframing their sanna and sankhara. An extract from the analysis of the data

in Chapter Six- Essay 2 will demonstrate the way the coaching of the Five ARM has

been done:

“Johanna: I prefer to have my flat back then the public housing. You are an

irresponsible and unreliable big spender; I don’t want to have

relationship with you anymore.

[70]Mediator: When you made the agreement you never mentioned about this.

Johanna: I don’t realize that he is such a bad guy.

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John: I am your brother.

Johanna: So you can be bad?

[74]John: Since I am your brother if I am bad you cannot be good either.

The mediator needed to intervene but she did not know how. The

facilitator stopped the role play at this point and suggested her to work with

their five aggregates respectively. The facilitator further suggested other

strategies to handle their conflict.

The mediator attempted to use the ‘I’ message model to reframe the

parties’ five aggregates as suggested by the facilitator. The mediator tried

to reframe the conflict as a resource conflict.

The facilitator suggested the following intervention to the mediator. [95](Facilitator: There must be a lot of trust between both due to the family

bond.)

She was eventually successful in reframing their motivation (sankhara)

and moving the parties towards a common ground of family bonding which

they agreed as both of them did not want to disappoint their parents by

fighting over the said property.”

Essay 3 - Role play 3.

The coach intervened at Stage 1.

“Coach : So the mediation process at this stage now is you have explored enough

to see these two different scenarios from each angle. What you need to do is to

frame each of their scenario in the five aggregates so that they understand each

other better and then move on to highlight the common ground. Of course the

ultimate thing is to create doubt of the fourth aggregate. What is in the best

interest? What are the real interests? What are the accommodation needs? Unless

he knows what his interests are, where he lives would make a difference –“

The mediator responded to the instructions and was successful in applying the

Five ARM:

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“M: Now after you both contributed your views, now Joe let me summarize what

you have said. You move your family to HK and join the HK office here, you

discovered that the costs of living in HK are higher than what you have

expected. You’d like to see if the company can offer more in terms of raising

the amount that is agreed in your remuneration package for coming to HK.

Is that correct?”

However the mediator did not apply the Five ARM to the other party and was

intervened again by the coach:

“Mediator, why don’t you reframe Mary’s views as well so that at least you can

summarize and package some common goals before you move onto further

questioning. That more you drive on, the more you will be discovering some

needs. What are the needs in terms of accommodation, for his children and his

wife? But I think you need to summarize what is exactly perceived by the

company so that at least there is common ground before you explore and set

agenda.”

The mediator did not follow through with the Five ARM but was polarizing the

parties with the following remark which the mediator could reframe successfully on

reflection in her essay (in red):

“Now what I can see is that although Joe you have your requests to make,

and Mary you have your standpoint to keep, you both have some basic

common grounds to work on. You both work in the same company. Joe as

a new staff to HK, and Mary is supposed to look after you… (better to

highlight you are both working for the same company in the best interest

of the company, etc. with such common goal, perhaps we could explore

how we can find resources and solutions to meet Joe’s needs while at the

same time meeting budgetary needs of Mary…”

Essay 5: The student commented on the power of reframing and the role- playing

exercise made him realize how hard it was to be a mediator. However, he did not

demonstrate the application of the Five ARM and the BM Model in his essay.

“During the course the participants had the opportunity to try the reframing first

as a home assignment but later also in more practical sense that is in live

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communication and during the role play of mediation process. One has to say it

was rather helpful for understanding better the hardness of the work of the

mediator but also feeling the power that this simple skill holds in it if performed

well.”

Essay 6: The student used the Five ARM to describe what he did in the role play.

“Expressed in terms of the Five Aggregates, the objective reality was that both

needed cash, both cared about their work and the services they provided their

clients, and both depended on each other. On the sensation or feeling side, Amy

felt hurt because she was ignored and Alan was unhappy with the various

situations. Their sensation had allowed their perceptions to proliferate: Amy felt

being cheated and Alan had doubts about Amy’s loyalty. Their perceptions led to

action: Amy was considering going to the courts for the money owed her and Alan

was to start a witch hunt to find out what misdeeds Amy had committed.

It is clear that the feelings and the perceptions which followed are neither healthy

nor helpful to either side. More importantly, they are not conducive to resolution

of their conflicts.”

b. Process of BM Model.

In Role play 1 and Role play 2, at the end of Stage 1 of the process of BM Model,

the mediators could set the agenda after the reframing of the five aggregates of the

parties to mutual concerns. i.e. after reframing their sanna and sankhara into mutual

concerns and common grounds. The following stage would be separate meetings

to reality-check with each party their obsessive demands (the eighth to tenth links or

sankhara) on the other party. The parties would need to share some grief or

positive feelings about each other. In Stage 3 of the BM Model, the parties

negotiated for settlement in joint meeting and were able to achieve outcomes that fit

the needs of both parties.

In Role play 3, the mediator was not able to move to Stage 2 successfully

because she could not achieve the tasks of Stage 1 i.e. to reframe the sanna and

sankhara into mutual suffering and concerns.

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The theory of 12 links was used by one student to analyze a real mediation case

that she did in the past and was able to fit the BM Model to the tasks of the mediator.

The cyclic process of the 12 links was demonstrated in the role play described in

Essay 7 and the hypothesis of the BM Model was validated

Essay 1 and Role Play 1: The three-stage process of the BM Model was successfully

demonstrated.

Essay 2 and Role Play 2: The three-stage process of the BM Model was also

successfully demonstrated.

Essay 3 and Role Play 3: The agenda was set but because the Five ARM was not

applied in Stage 1 effectively and the episodes were not complete in the reframing of

the sanna, for example as the mediator in her journal suggested to “highlight you

are both working for the same company in the best interest of the company,” the

parties did not accept that the issues were a mutual concern. Since the task under

Stage 1 of the BM Model had not been completed, the creating doubt of their

positions under the fourth Aggregate (sankhara) or the eighth to tenth links of the 12

links in Stage 2 could not be effective.

Essay 4: The student described a successful mediation case and applied the 12 links

in analyzing how they created their conflict:

“The preparation as done in the pre-mediation sessions can be analyzed in

terms of Dependent Origination as follows :-

Dependent Origination Female Party Male Party

Avijja and Sankhara The relationship bonding is the

essential base for the male party

to contribute the alimony and

provide financial support to the

children.

Concocted self-picture

that he still loved his

wife and he was a

responsible father.

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Essay 7: The student described the process of the BM Model with the role- playing

exercise and the analysis on the data showed clearly the three stage-process of the

BM Model.

“In this case study, the analysis of Judy Aggregates is as below:-

1) Objective reality: She is discharged.

2) Feeling: She is angry, she feels she is not appreciated.

3) Perception: She recognizes she has put in a lot of good works and she

is recognizing Mr. Chan as a bad boss because he is not

letting her go to workshops and even though she was the

best staff he was not keeping her so he is not managing the

school as well as Mr. Leung.

4) Mental formation: She wants to get the job back and she also wants to

change the system.

5) consciousness: Act of her attention.

Stage One – the past life of the 12 links (first to second links): The second

link of sankhara represented the obsessions of the parties that created the

conflict needed to be reframed as a mutual suffering.

The Buddhist mediator must be fully aware of the Aggregates as they arise in

every cycle of rebirth that is one complete cycle of the 12 links of dependent

origination. Judy is ignorant of the fact that her working condition is

impermanent and she is clinging to her notion of self that was favored by Mr.

Leung. She is obsessed with going back to the same job and change the

system.

Stage Two – the present life of the 12 links (third to tenth links) : The

mediator needed to reality check with the party about their obsessions

(eight to tenth links) – whether it would be in their interests to keep

demanding the same:

Our job as a mediator is to recognize this obsession and try to loosen it by

creating doubt e.g. “Is returning to this job in your best interest?” If the

mediator is successful, she should be able to see the reality that she may not

get the same favors and she will have to work with Mr. Chan whom she

dislikes and her co workers will not treat her in the same way. She can then

loosen up to consider other possibilities. In this process, we are in fact

breaking one of the condition of the 12 links dependent origination and by

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doing so her suffering( of obsessing with the job) is brought to an end.

The mediator reframed the state of the obsession into a more wholesome

view (wholesome sanna) of mutual needs and concerns from which options

might be developed by both parties:

It is interesting to note that Nibbana which is the end of suffering also has the

meaning of highest knowledge where all limits of the mind are eliminated.

Here Judy can move beyond the limit of the obsessive mind and look at the

options. Since Judy’s perception is affected by her sensation and her

sensation is also affected by her perception, her frames are also conditioned

by them. We can use a technique called reframing to change “the way her

thought is presented so that it maintains the fundamental meaning but is

more likely to support resolution effort.”i

Stage Three – the future life of the 12 links (11th to 12 links): reversing from

death to rebirth where solution was implemented:

The outcome of this case is that Judy could let go of her obsession and

accepted the offer from Joanna to provide her with a good reference letter

and Mr. Leung as her referee.”

7.2.4 Research Question 3.

Research Question 3 : How was the student influenced by the BM Model and the

Five ARM?

The researcher uses the stance of an observer who has no direct experience or

knowledge of the background of the paper’s writer. The participants’ reflection and

discussion will be interpreted according to their own personal stance which relates to

how they define their own identities in their occupational selves and their own value

towards personal growth by virtue of their embarking on a study of a Masters

Programme on Buddhist Studies. Categories identified from the data are :

a. insight on personal growth or transformation;

b. application of BM Model or Five ARM.

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a. insight on personal growth or transformation

The transformative value of the Five ARM is affirmed. Six essays mention the

quality of “mindfulness” in the practice of the BM. Other essays recognize the

gaining of “wisdom” or the “impermanence of life and of the non-existence of the

self, in addition to the sufferings’’. Some students also describe the Five ARM as a

tool to understand themselves and others, to “make sense of the things around me”

and “express myself better in terms of my feeling, perception and volition.” The

inference is that the students refer to the Five ARM but not the BM Model as

hypothesized in this thesis as a personal growth tool.

Essay 2: The student acknowledged the transformative value of the Five ARM:

“Once we comprehend that our consciousness is changeable, we then realize

that there is so much we can do to transform people. The critical factor is

that we must be mindfulness enough in order to facilitate the

transformation.”

The student even thought the practice of the Five ARM would “gain

wisdom in pursuing the middle way – the truth.”

“To sum up, I think the Five Aggregates model has indeed helped me a lot in

making sense of the things around me. Apart from the constructive impact it

plays in the mediation session, I believe it is a valuable tool for us to gain the

wisdom in pursuing the middle way – the truth.”

Essay 3: The student was aware that she was not mindful in the role play

exercise.

“Without mindfulness, I failed to bring the discussion of the list of needs in

an integrated fashion, hence making the client unable to see the point of

connectedness of his various needs.”

Essay 4: The student described the quality of the Buddhist Mediator:

“The framework could only be applied when the mediator is mindful and

attended to the dynamics happened in the process.

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The teaching of Buddhist Mediation is a very valuable experience to me; it

not only extends my understanding on the practical use of Buddhist theories,

but also it strengthens my faith in the practice of mindfulness training.”

Essay 5: The student commented on the need to “a strict self control and

mindfulness” during the process of BM.

“Therefore a strict self control and mindfulness had to be kept for the whole

time. On the other hand it is rather clear that this kind of non-attachment to

parties’ problems comes with the experience and seeing that the solution

found by the parties themselves is the best and most rightful one for them

and one can only assist them in finding it.”

Essay 6: The student wrote that the qualities of a Buddhist mediator should include

mindfulness:

“Mediators by definition should be neutral, impartial, honest, mindful and

understanding. These are qualities inherent in people who subscribe to

Buddhist teachings. Conflicts cause suffering; and Buddhist teachings seek to

reduce or cease sufferings. The Buddha has personally intervened in conflicts

as a mediator and has prevented wars in his time. Buddhist teachings are

conducive to resolution of conflict.”

Buddhist teachings of impermanence, suffering and selflessness(or

emptiness) had influenced the student in accepting that there was no

problem or conflict too great or too complicated that it could last:

“Buddhist teachings constantly remind us of the impermanence of life and of

the non-existence of the self, in addition to the sufferings which always fill the

world. It follows that there is no problem in the world that is so great or so

complicated that can last. It also follows that there can be no conflicts

between individuals, people, races and states that are so severe or so

fundamental that cannot be resolved or ameliorated as long as there is a

willingness on the part of those concerned to contemplate on what is going on,

based on Buddhist teachings. Sadly, as the Buddha has pointed out more

than 2500 years ago, we live in an imperfect world, which is why most of us

live amongst sufferings.”

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The student appreciated BM as a personal growth tool for the

disputants because the process would help them to understand more about

themselves and each other.

“Mediation is such a vast subject and potentially very useful and beneficial to

communities. Buddhist mediation in particular can potentially help the

people in conflict understand more about themselves and each other and in

the process, learn about Buddhist teachings and practices which would go a

long way not only towards resolving the immediate conflicts before them, but

also help build a more harmonious and congenial community and world.”

Essay 7: The student appreciated the Five ARM as a personal growth tool and

“mindfulness” in practicing as a Buddhist Mediator.

“In the role as an executive of a metal company I also found that the Model

of Five aggregate helps me to express myself better in terms of my feeling,

perception and volition and could get idea across more efficiently. I have also

put some effort in practice mediating at work, I found that even though

there may not be always a resolution but in most of the cases there are better

understanding. That in itself is a healing process and may bring more

harmony to the work place. I have to admit that for me there is still a long

way to go to become a good Buddhist Mediator but as a Buddhist we believe

in the efficacy of effort therefore we have to be confident that at least given

time we would be able learn to fine tune our technique of reframing and use

of words and internalize the process and at the same time we must not forget

to develop our mental quality of Mindfulness so that we can actually bring

peace to the room.”

b. application of BM Model or Five ARM

All the students mentioned the past and/or the future application of the Five

ARM in their daily lives. Some students described a conflict situation in the past

that was handled successful and some not so successfully.

Essay 1: The student did not mention any transformative value about the BM Model

but demonstrated the successful use of the Five ARM in one of her real

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live conflict situation in her business environment after the BM course.

The following is the extract of the analysis of the data from Essay 1 on

Research Question 3:

“The mediator highlighted the usefulness of the Five ARM in the third

stage of” Collecting and analyzing background information” where the

aggregates were checked and “Situation revisited (form), anger of both was

neutralized (feeling), expectations were reviewed (perception) and needs and

options were highlighted (activities).” However, the theory of the BM

Model could have been applied in the above case as a way to work with

the three poisons of unwholesome actions according to Buddhist theory

on how conflict was created and maintained by ‘greed’ ‘hate’ and

‘delusion’ of the parties.”

Essay 3: The skill of listening non-judgmentally and transformation were mentioned.

The student hoped to practice the above skills in future as a Buddhist

Mediator in her business setting.

“At this point of my journey of learning to become a Buddhist mediator, I

think I will have a different way of looking at and handling the above

situation if I were given the chance again. I will probably try to talk to her

and find out non-judgmentally that what was really in her mind when she

acted out of control. It may be time-consuming, but it will give both parties a

chance to understand each other. By understanding each other,

transformation may take place.”

Essay 4: The student found the BM Model and Five ARM useful to her future

practice as a mediator and counselor.

“I find that both Buddhist theoretical framework and practices are extremely

helpful to me as a mediator and also as a counselor.”

Essay 5: The student was a full time exchange student from Europe so that he only

commented on the art of reframing that he could use in his daily life and

not limited to be used in a mediation session. He also highlighted the

importance of the self-awareness and the communication of the aggregates

of thinking and feeling.

Skillful reframing is truly an art by itself and is definitely not limited to be

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used only in formal session of mediation but in fact can be used in very

different situations in everyday life. One might argue that we all should be

more mindful about our daily expressions and think whether we have to be

so harsh on each other verbally as we are regrettably rather often feeling that

otherwise we would not be able to make our feelings and thoughts clear

sufficiently enough to the other party. As can be seen from the practice of

reframing that view tends to be fallible.

Essay 6: The student commented on his learning about the Five ARM speaking as a

retired senior government official who used to solve problems successfully

in the past.

“Reframing can best be executed by following the Five Aggregates.”

Essay 7: The student was able to apply successfully the Five ARM to a daily

situation. He will be able to use the Five ARM in his business life.

“I found that the Five Aggregate model very useful in analyzing a conflict

may it be internal or external; we see conflict no as something intractable,

solid and insurmountable but rather it is a compounded phenomena consist

of Five dynamic process which is impermanent and changing all the time.

For example, if I am in a stressful situation like a traffic jam, I could then

reflect on the Five Aggregates of that:

1) Objective reality: There is a traffic jam

2) Feeling: Frustration, anger, impatient.

3) Perception: These jokers are in my way and I am late for a meeting

4) Mental Formation: I want to get out of this jam as soon as possible.

But now I am aware of them, I could reframe it” these folks in front of me

are also trapped in these traffic jam and it is not really their faults and they

are probably also in a rush.”

(End of Chapter 7)

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CHAPTER 8: PROCESS RESEARCH -

COMPARATIVE ANANLYSIS

8.1 The BM Model compared to the 3 Stages of Helping

8.2 Hypothesis of the BM Model and the Five ARM

8.3 Comparative analysis on the 3 Cases 8.3.1 Stage One

8.3.2 Stage Two

8.3.3 Stage Three


8.4 Summary of the Results of the Process Research of the 3

Cases 8.4.1 Validation of the Hypothesis of the BM Model by referring to the Rice

Seedling Sutra on the 12 links process

8.1 The BM model compared to the 3 Stages of Helping

The following is how the BM Model works as the theoretical basis for the

mediation process compared to the stages of helping from Egan (2002) (See

Diagram C in the Appendix):

(i) The present scenario – What’s going on? Or exploring their problem:

According to the stages of helping, Egan identifies that during the first stage, the

clients will tell their stories and the helpers will identify the blind spots from the

stories. These blind spots represent the “mind-sets, the dysfunctional ways of

thinking, self-limiting ways of acting, discrepancies between thinking/saying and

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doing, and failure to understand and deal with the behavior of others’’(p. 177) that

the client is unaware of or chooses to ignore. Mindsets refer to “states of mind,

including assumptions, attitudes, beliefs, bias, convictions, inclinations, norms,

outlook, unexamined perceptions of self/others/the world, preconceptions, prejudices,

reactions, and values” (p. 179) that drive external behavior.

The helper’s task is to transform these blind spots into “new perspectives that

lead to problem-managing and opportunity-developing action” (p.177). The clients

are blind to the fact that the mind-sets or self-limiting constructions of realities have

contributed to their problem. It can be said that the client is “ignorant” of his

internal experience which covers the objective reality, his feeling, his thinking and

his behavior or unconscious needs/wants which may be transformed in the process of

change (Slukzi, 1992). This process of transformation of the blind spots into new

perspectives is called “frame-breaking, frame-bending or reframing” which implies

“some kind of cognitive restructuring, developing understanding, or awareness that is

needed to identify and manage problems and opportunities” (p.181). The process of

transformation includes (p.181): Seeing things more clearly, getting the picture, getting insights, developing new

perspectives, spelling out implications, transforming perceptions, developing new

frames of reference, looking for meaning, shifting perceptions, seeing the bigger

picture, developing different angles, seeing things in context, context breaking,

rethinking, getting a more objective view, interpreting, overcoming blind spots,

second-level learning (Argyris, 1999), thinking creatively, re-conceptualizing,

discovery, having an “ah-ha” experiences, developing a new outlook, questioning

assumptions, getting rid of distortions, re-labeling, and making connections.

The way to bring new perspectives into action is by challenging or through

sharing information between the client and the helper. Information may be given

at any stage to the clients to help them in making decisions for future action. Even

the helpers’ self-disclosure of their own experiences, behavior and feelings with the

clients are also constructive in the transformation process (Edwards & Murdoch,

1994; Knox, Hess, Petersen & Hill, 1997). The mediators/helpers then focus the

clients on the issues that will make a difference.

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For the BM Model, under the 12 links: first and second links (i.e. Ignorance and

Karmic Formations) refer to the past life where ignorance arises and karmic

formations result leading to samsara. The second link or the karmic formations are

actually the fourth Aggregate within the five aggregates system. The fourth

Aggregate generates karmic formations that lead to obsessions and samsara. This

stage of the process of mediation represents where the parties are at when they first

begin the mediation. They each have their own version of their conflict and are

obsessed with their positions i.e. what they outcome they want to resolve this conflict.

This aspect of the conflict is characterized by greed (lobha), which is self-centered

desire for change from the Buddhist perspective.

The mediator’s goal in the first stage is to introduce a new perspective to the

parties as a new way of thinking about their problem or conflict. In the Five ARM,

the mediator shifts the third Aggregate (i.e. the recognition) from unwholesome to

wholesome which means that the party is aware that his thinking is subject to change

and accepts that life is less than perfect and always impermanent. Both parties need

to recognize that they have their blind spots and have contributed to the problem.

They both need to accept that there should be a change from both sides in order to

resolve.

Therefore, in the process of BM, the first stage is to gather information from the

parties about how they have created their respective realities regarding their conflict.

Each party will tell the mediator what their respective five aggregates were when

they created their conflict. Their storytelling will involve an analysis by the

mediator of their respective five aggregates on the following categories:

(1) What they were seeing or hearing (rupa, the First Aggregate);

(2) What they were feeling (vedana, the Second Aggregate);

(3) What they were thinking (sanna, the Third Aggregate) and

(4) What they were demanding as the outcome from each other or obsessed with

as an outcome (sankhara, the Fourth Aggregate)

(5) What their consciousness was under which they experienced the above

aggregates (vinnana, the Fifth Aggregate).

The analysis of the five aggregates at this point will focus on how the parties

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have created their respective karmic activities (sanhkara):

Within the complex theory of dependent origination, sankhara is inserted as a link

between ignorance (avijja) and consciousness (vinnana). This means that on

account of ignorance, sankhara come into being and generate a consciousness.

(Boisvert, 1995, p. 9)

Therefore, in Stage One, in the BM Model, the goal of the mediator is to find

out what the karmic activities were or the sankhara, (second link) that had happened

between these disputants in creating this conflict.

The mediator needs to refocus the parties to locating the common facts or

mutual concerns in their stories. The mediator intervenes by reframing the

opening statement of each party:

(1) 1st Aggregate (Form) : stating what the objective reality is

(2) 2nd Aggregate (Sensation): what the party feels in neutral and normalizing

terms

(3) 3rd Aggregate (Recognition): what the party thinks in mutual and neutral

terms

(4) 4th Aggregate (Karmic formations): what the party needs or want in

mutual and neutral terms

(5) 5th Aggregate (Consciousness): bringing the new perspective to the

awareness of the party by reframing the 3rd and the 4th Aggregates.

According to the analysis of the cases:

At the end of Stage 1 the direction of the Five Aggregates Reframing Model is to

change their perception or sanna so that the parties accept that

(i) the problem has caused suffering to both of them

(ii) they have both contributed to the problem and

(iii) they need to change.

(ii) The preferred scenario – what solutions make sense? Or redefining the problem

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At this second stage Egan identifies that the helpers will facilitate the clients to

set the Agenda for change. The helpers’ role becomes the “consultants, catalysts,

guides, facilitators, assistants” (p. 246). The helpers facilitate the clients to find

opportunities, competencies, successes and “normal times” when they do not

experience the problem. Solution-focused therapy technique in questioning the

clients to co-create with the clients their goal and then the solution picture is

particularly useful (p.249). It was found that at least 50% of the clients are found to

be receptive to solution-focused brief therapy (Asay and Lambert, 1999).

Under the BM Model, from third to seventh links (i.e. Consciousness, Name and

Form, Six sense door, Contact, Sensation) the two parties in conflict see the objective

reality through their five sensory data and use their consciousness to interpret the

message. Although they may be seeing and hearing the same objective facts or data,

their interpretations or recognition of the data will be totally different, causing them

to reach opposing conclusions or extreme positions. The mediator needs to list their

needs and concerns and common issues before setting the agenda for resolving their

disputes. Again, the mediator intervenes by reframing:

(1) 1st Aggregate (Form) : stating what the objective reality is

(2) 2nd Aggregate (Sensation): what the party is feeling

(3) 3rd Aggregate (Recognition): what the party thinks – recognition of a

common ground or shared grief

(4) 4th Aggregate (Karmic formations): what the party needs or want – create

doubt about obsessive wants

(5) 5th Aggregate (Consciousness): bringing the new possibilities of resolution to

the awareness of the party.

For the BM Model, the second stage of the process is represented by the

“present” temporal division of the twelve links of the chain of dependent origination

as set out in Table 1 of this thesis. The third link, consciousness (vinnana) is the

same as the fifth Aggregate. The fourth, fifth and sixth links, mind and matter,

six-sense door, contact are all functions of the first Aggregate (rupa).

It has been noted above that each of the temporal divisions of the 12 links is a

repeat of the same process but in a different time division. Therefore, similar to

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Stage One of the process as described above, the BM Model at this second stage

essentially repeats the technique of reframing the parties’ respective experiences

basing on the Five ARM.

Here, the parties need to change from a perspective of blaming to recognition of

shared grief or common ground. The mediator will use communication skills to

normalize, neutralize and mutualize the problem situation and refocus the party to the

non-problem situation and into the future. After reframing and redefining the

problem, the mediator will help the parties to look at whether what they want is

realistic as a solution. The mediator will try to create doubt about whether the

parties insisting on their positions (which are defined as the only outcomes they are

prepared to accept) are really acting in their best interests.

In the Five ARM, the parties need to let go of their fourth Aggregate (Karmic

formations) when they become obsessive, which correlates with the eighth to tenth

links (i.e. Craving, Clinging, Becoming). In effect, the parties at this stage of the

mediation process are challenged by the mediator to be displaced from their positions

or obsessions in the fourth Aggregate. The mediator facilitates the parties to

reality-check with their outcome projection and wants. Finally, the mediator

facilitates the parties to negotiate for workable options to their redefined problem.

Negotiation skills such as “What if…” and conditionally linked bargaining are used

to help parties become less obsessed with their entrenched positions.

The Five ARM is similar to the “I” message model except for the intention to

change the third Aggregate to a wholesome recognition by recognizing that life is

impermanent, filled with suffering and empty. In short, when applying the Five

ARM, the parties are deconstructing their “selves” so that detachment to their

respective five Aggregates at that moment will bring new insight to another moment

of consciousness, thereby bringing another round of five aggregates and a new level

of consciousness. The change to wholesome sanna (third Aggregate) actually

means that the thinking or recognition is reframed into a new recognition that is free

from the unwholesome roots of actions which is also:

a) non-blaming and free from hatred or anger against the other party and/or

b) creates doubt that the other party is unreasonable so that the parties do not suffer

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from the delusion that the parties’ image is the “self” against the “enemy”.

Therefore, in this Stage Two covering the third and tenth links under the

“present” temporal division, the BM Model will start by validating the existing

situation and their respective feelings (third to seventh links) and then creating doubt

of the obsessive views or demands under eighth, ninth and tenth links (craving,

clinging and becoming) which are identified with sankhara (fourth Aggregate). In

order to reverse the Stage Two process, the mediator will use the opportunity to shift

all the blaming and negative thinking of the party under the sanna and turn the

experience under the “old story” into a wholesome sanna changing the karmic

formations of the eighth to tenth links. A new picture will then be formed in the

mind by six sense-door and contact. This will bring more positive sensation than the

previous emotional experience as the vedana (seventh link). Option to resolve will

come up as the karmic formations of the eighth to tenth links. In this way, the cycle

of the third to tenth links are reversed.

In Stage 2, the objectives of the Five Aggregates Reframing Model are to:


interest

(ii) shift emotion from blaming to separate the people from the problem or sharing

of grief and

(iii) acknowledge that the problem is changeable and that the parties already have


(iii) The solution phase – solution-building

Egan’s last stage of change will bring the clients’ plan of action into reality

checking in order to adapt the constructive-change process to the clients’ style and

best fit. Possible strategies are explored and decisions are made for future change.

A sense of hope for a better future will be experienced by the clients (p.342).

Under the BM Model, the last two links (i.e. Birth and rebirth; Old age and

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death) are symbolic of the solution phase when the parties agree to a solution to their

problem. The parties are reconstructing their relationship which has failed (i.e.

death) into a new future relationship (i.e. rebirth) that they hope will be more

constructive and be able to work better than the previous one. Under the Five

ARM this stage is the fifth Aggregate (i.e. Consciousness) when the new awareness

and new level of consciousness has arisen to replace the past experience of the five

aggregates (i.e. objective reality, sensation, thinking and behavior or needs and

interests).

By changing the 4th Aggregate from obsessions to an plan of action acceptable to

the parties and reframing the sanna to a common ground in the interest of the

parties, the objectives of the Five Aggregates Reframing Model in Stage 3 are:



parties hope to change for the better

The last two links (i.e. the cycle of birth, rebirth, old age and death) have been

likened to the future life where another round of samsara will continue. This has a

symbolic meaning: that from one moment to another there is an endless cycle of five

aggregates being created and experienced in our psyche. If we are aware of the five

aggregates of any one moment, and if we can reframe the five aggregates with the

above model, we can technically change our own experience from the existing

sensation and thinking to a more positive and constructive version of what we should

feel or think. This has great implications to the Buddhist theory of the five

aggregates and the 12 links. If we can apply, as a daily practice, the new reframing

model of the five aggregates, we can literally practise non-attachment and “no-self”

on a moment to moment basis. Ultimately, this practice which has been taught as a

meditative technique, will lead to the cessation of suffering and total liberation from

suffering by developing understanding and wisdom (panna). As a theory of a

cognitive and psychological process of the mind, the five aggregates represent

relative reality in Buddhism. The 12 links represent the connection between the

“relative” and “ultimate” reality; the former being the ordinary reality that we

experience in our daily life which is subject to duality and the latter being the

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ultimate spiritual realm of non-duality that is one with the Absolute or Universe.

Buddhist scholars such as Mathieu Boisvert (1995) have attempted to investigate the

two theories of the 12 links and the five aggregates. It is generally accepted that

by explaining the process of how our body/mind is being trapped in samsara (i.e. the

cycle of rebirth and death), the five aggregates and the 12 links are deliberately

cross-referenced to give the road map to Nibbana, which is the ultimate goal of

liberation. The new model of reframing by the five aggregates and how the 12 links

can be applied is a contribution of a new knowledge to the theory of reframing and

conflict resolution and at the same time constitutes an important mindfulness practice

for Buddhists peacemakers towards Nibbana.

8.2 The Hypothesis of the BM Model and the Five ARM

From the data analysis, the BM Model and the Five ARM can be described as

follows:

a. At the end of Stage One, by uncovering the second link (sankhara), the past

conflict is explored for the purpose of identifying how the parties created their realities

and what outcomes they are obsessed with. The objectives of the reframe of the third

Aggregate i.e. parties’ perceptions and the fourth Aggregate i.e. their obsessions or

positions are to establish the following:

(i) The problem is that both of them suffer.

(ii) They have both contributed to the problem and

(iii) They both need to change.

b. In Stage Two, by validating the current feelings of the parties and their mutual

concerns, the process focuses on uncovering the eight, ninth and tenth links. The

present sankhara (i.e. what they think they want) is being challenged so that the third

to seventh links are changed to a new picture (i.e. changing their views and their

feelings) by the reframing of the present conflict. The objectives of the reframing

of the second, third and fourth Aggregates are to:

(i) shift the construction of the old problem to a problem of mutual

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concern and interest

(ii) shift the emotions from blaming to separate the people from the

problem and

(iii) acknowledge that the problem can be resolved and the parties already

have possible options to resolve.

c. In Stage Three, by changing the fourth Aggregate from obsessions to an action

plan and reframing the third Aggregate to a common ground in the interest of the

parties, the future of their conflict is transformed, resulting in a reversed process of

the 11th to 12th links. The objectives of the reframing of third to fourth Aggregates

are to establish that:

(i) The parties have a new construction of the problem.

(ii) The parties identify common ground and goals, and

(iii) The parties hope to change for the better.

The Chart of the BM Model (See Diagram D in the Appendix) shows how

the conflict between the parties A and B was created under the process of affliction of

the 12 links and how the reversed process of purification of the 12 links (red arrows)

is completed under the BM Model. Under the Five ARM, parties A and B worked

through their five aggregates (i,ii,iii,iv,v in the Chart):

i) 1st Aggregate – objective reality (rupa)

ii) 2nd Aggregate – sensation (vedana)

iii) 3rd Aggregate – recognition (sanna)

iv) 4th Aggregate – karmic formations (sankhara)

v) 5th Aggregate – consciousness (vinnana).

Under Stage One, party A’s and party B’s perceptions about their conflict are

based on their views of individual suffering and obsessive demands on the other to

change according to their selfish wants. By reframing the third and fourth

Aggregates, their mutual suffering and concerns are acknowledged by the parties.

Under Stage Two, the recognition and resentment that it was the other party’s

fault in second and third Aggregates are reframed to take “the people” out of “the

problem” so that parties A and B do not feel attacked and can express shared feelings

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or even grief to each other. The fourth Aggregate of obsessive demands of the

parties is also challenged to give more options.

Under Stage Three, the options created under the fourth Aggregate in Stage Two

are reality-checked and common ground and interests are acknowledged under the

third Aggregate. The final action plan becomes the future solution to the conflict.

8.3 Comparative analysis on the 3 Cases

Comparative analysis on the three Case Studies and the three Role Plays is

made at the following levels:

1. the successful change events of the three Cases Studies (see attached chart in

Diagram E of the Appendix of the results of the outcome of the process

research) vs. the unsuccessful change events of the three Role Plays,

2. the comparison of the three Cases Studies as samples of engaging, indirectly

engaging, and disengaging couples,

3. the comparison to the existing research on sustaining engagement and

transformation event, and

4. the impact on the hypothesis of the BM Model and Five ARM.

8.3.1 Stage One

Stage One consists of at the most two to three episodes in all three Cases Studies.

In this Stage, the objectives are to explore past conflict by reversing the first to

second links.

According to the research on the Conceptual Model of the sustaining

engagement change event (Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994) (see

Diagram B in the Appendix), the couple may need to accept mutual contribution to

the problem before they can agree to communicate about the problem. From the

results of the Process Research, the reframes are all in third Aggregates from

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individual blaming to mutual contribution/suffering and fourth Aggregates to mutual

concern. There are also reframes to normalize their complaints of each other or

demands in the third and fourth Aggregates.

By the end of Stage One, the parties agreed to the mutual concern for discussion

in the first two cases which represent engaging and indirectly engaging couples. In

Case 1, the parties agreed that the problem was “the process for discussing their

conflict.” In Case 2, the parties accepted that they wanted “to improve future

relationship as co-parents.” In Case 3 where the couple did not engage with each

other, the mutual concern could not be agreed as the agenda for discussion at the end

of Stage One. It can be observed that more normalizing, neutralizing and

mutualizing of their conflict would have to be done for this non-communicative

couple in Case 3 before they would be able to accept mutual concern as an agenda

for discussion in Episode 7: “How to improve their relationship in future?”.

According to the research on the Conceptual Model of the transformation event

(Colehan, Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998) (see Diagram C in the Appendix),

interpersonal aspects, exceptions and constructions of the problem will need to be

explored. We can observe that these may happen in Stage One or Two of the BM

Model according to the results of the Process Research.

In the context of the BM Model, Stage One of the process is to explore what

happened in the past that had created their conflict. It is hypothesized that in Stage

One, the parties will need to at least acknowledge that they are both suffering

somewhat from what had happened in the past before the process can move to Stage

Two. The Five ARM aims to reframe the third Aggregate sanna from unwholesome

to wholesome sanna This means that the direction of the reframing is to help the

party to recognize the nature of existence as impermanent, selfless and suffering.

In Case 1, the couple accepted the reframe of the W’s blaming of the H for

compromising too quickly in Episode 2 as mutual contribution to the suffering: W

did not speak out her needs and the H did not know what to do. The W seemed

embarrassed and the H was relieved after the reframe. In Case 2, the indirectly

engaged couple also agreed that they both contributed to the divorce in Episode 1.

In Case 3, the disengaged couple only accepted mutual suffering that they were both

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uncomfortable with their marital relationship but would still maintain that they were

fine except when “trivial things accumulated”. Therefore, the results of the process

research show that the engaged and indirectly engaged couples accepted mutual

contribution and that the disengaged couple did not. However, the indirectly and

the disengaged couples at least accept the reframe of mutual suffering in Stage One,

which actually validate the hypothesis of the Five ARM and the BM Model.

By looking at the unsuccessful change events in the 3 Role Plays, we can

observe that by the end of Stage One, there will normally be the setting of the agenda.

All three students/mediators in Role Play 1, 2 and 3 experienced an impasse in Stage

One. In Role Play 1 and 2, the Five ARM was applied under the facilitation of the

coach and the agenda was set and accepted by the parties. The process of Role Play

3 was not able to proceed after the impasse in Stage One, even when the agenda was

set. It was because the student/mediator was not able to reframe the negative

comments of the parties with the Five ARM . The parties’ third and fourth

Aggregates were not reframed to the direction of mutual contribution/suffering or

concerns. The parties remained polarized when the conflict was not mutualized and

neutralized. The unsuccessful change event of Role Play 3 shows that the Five

ARM has to be used and accepted by the parties before Stage One is completed.

Stage One correlates with the reverse process of the first and second links where

the past conflict is explored as sankhara and the reframe of the Five ARM to mutual

suffering/concern signifies the cessation of the original first link of ignorance. That

is to say that the disputants have a new awareness of their five aggregates under

which their past conflict was created. At the end of Stage One the new awareness

under the fifth Aggregate, Consciousness is also the Cause Consciousness of the past

temporal division and the Effect Consciousness of the next temporal division of the

12 links in Stage Two.

8.3.2 Stage Two

Stage Two has up to 13 episodes in two sessions and aims to explore past to

present conflict under the third to tenth links.

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The parties released their emotions in Stage Two. At the beginning of Stage

Two of Case 1, the emotions of the engaging couple were mild but eventually the

strong emotions of anger were displayed when they argued about past conflict where

the self-images of both the Husband (H) and Wife (W) were affected. Their

emotions softened to being supportive when the mediator reframed their obsessive

demands on each other as a mutual concern: How to voice needs without being angry?

For Case 2, the indirectly disengaged couple experienced hurt, anger and hate in the

beginning. In Episode 4, when the H was in a separate meeting, the mediator

reframed his third Aggregate that the H married W for the wrong reason as

contributing to the suffering. The H softened and felt sad and later empathized with

W as a single mother. In Case 3, the disengaged couple expressed ambivalence in

the beginning but became more emotional when the conflict was explored in

mutualized terms. When the W brought up the issue of trust, she became very

emotional. The H was softened during the separate meeting and developed positive

regard for W when he acknowledged her openness. The turning point came when

the W burst into tears and cried hysterically. The H was even more supportive

when H accepted the third Aggregate reframe of the conflict as a systemic conflict in

which he had to keep the marriage in order to keep the extended family.

Positive attributes and interpersonal aspects are also parts of the effective

transformative event according to the research of Colehan, Friedlander, &

Heatherington, 1998. Positive regard has been a feature for the parties in Stage

Two later on in the process, especially during or after a separate meeting with the

mediator. It is observed that when the mediator was able to reframe intrapersonal

blaming to interpersonal relationship issues, the parties would change their

perception of the problem more quickly. In Case 3, the disengaged couple became

less defensive and more ready to listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings in

Episode 11 after the mediator reframed the third Aggregate from intrapersonal

blaming to interpersonal issue within three consecutive episodes (Episodes 8 to 10).

The wives felt guilty when the H admitted their faults or co-operated with their

demands. In Case 1, the W felt guilty rejecting H in Episode 2 of the second session.

In Case 2, the W’s tone softened greatly after the H admitted that it was his fault for

not caring for the child in Stage Three. In Case 3, the W even said she felt guilty

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when H admitted his fault in Stage 3.

We can observe that the hypothesis of the BM Model may include a wider range

of emotions to be released by the reframing of the third and fourth Aggregate than

just shared grief. Therefore in the hypothesis of the BM Model, the resolved

emotions of the parties range from guilt and shared grief to positive regard and the

softening of emotions. The significant findings from the results of the Process

Research of the three Cases Studies show that the change of the parties’ emotional

quality or some release of emotions (such as empathy in Case 2 from the Husband to

the Wife as a single parent after the divorce) that results in the shift to positive regard

for each other is necessary before the parties can accept a reframe of the third

Aggregate, the sanna, about their respective self-images. After the empathy of the

Husband was expressed, the Husband accepted the reframe of the mediator of the

third Aggregate that the failure of the marriage was due to the Wife feeling rejected

by the Husband. Therefore, the Husband was empowered by the mediator that he

was brave to let go of the Wife to find a man who would love her.

Change of emotions from negative to positive also precedes a reframe by way of

creating doubt of their fourth Aggregate, when their obsessive needs and wants turn

into mutualized concerns that will be in both parties’ interest to resolve. In Case 2,

the Husband accepted the reality checking of the mediator on how he would react to

the Wife’s future boyfriend and how he could help in raising the child in that event.

This has significant bearing to the hypothesis of the BM Model in how the

“reversing” of the process of third to tenth links can be effected. The “reversing” of

the process will begin from the change in the parties’ consciousness, i.e. third link

which shifts from the awareness of the old scenario to a new awareness of the new

scenario under the fifth and sixth links (six sense doors and contact). This is

achieved by the reframing technique using the Five ARM (such as using exceptions,

hypothetical or coping questions) so that the parties can visualize and explore under

the sixth link, the experience of the new positive emotions, i.e. seventh link (vedana).

After this shift in emotions, the sanna is reframed to a more wholesome sanna when

the parties can accept a more selfless self-image of themselves or their mutual

suffering. The reversal of the process of eighth to tenth links takes effect by way of

creating doubt or reality-checking with the parties after the reframe of the sanna to a

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more wholesome direction when the parties are more ready to change for their

mutual interests.

This is an important aspect of the Task Environment in the research on

sustaining engagement by Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994 (see

Diagram B in the Appendix) that after admitting contribution to the problem and

communication about the problem, the parties need to know each other’s thinking

and feeling before a new construction of the problems can happen. At the

beginning of Stage Two in all the cases, the feelings of the parties were validated by

the mediator before any positive feelings were generated by the parties about each

other. In Case 2, the mediator highlighted to the parties their dysfunctional pattern

in interaction between the couple that the Husband would withdraw when the Wife

spoke up. The Wife released her frustration and hurt feelings immediately after the

intervention of the mediator.

The feeling, thinking and needs were explored in the Five ARM throughout the

process of the BM Model whether covertly or openly expressed. The feelings,

thinking and needs of both parties in all three Cases have been explored in Stage Two.

In particular in Case 3, for the disengaging couple, the mediator explored the W’s

thinking and feeling in Episode 11 to help the W to tell the H what she wanted from

him: W needed action from the H to show his love and she wanted him to support her

no matter under what circumstances. After two episodes of exploring their thoughts

and feelings, the H agreed with her request and said that he knew her better in Stage

Three when they were ready to resolve their conflict. The results of the process

research confirm the hypothesis of the transformative value of the Five ARM and

that the process of the BM Model in Stage Two will not only address the parties’

thinking and feeling but also their needs and wants and even more complex

motivations whether conscious or unconscious which are their craving, clinging and

becoming under the eighth and tenth links.

All the parties were empowered by the mediator to take responsibility and

control over their own problems in separate meetings which are conducive to

resolution of the conflict. In Case 1, the engaged couple benefited from the

empowerment of the W who became the agent of change. As a psychologist, she

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would be motivated to change and let go of her attachment to her self image after the

reframe of her conflict as a traditional Chinese woman. In Case 2, the H was

empowered by reframing: “she cares about what you say or do.” He quickly

responded: “Do you mean I can control her.” Subsequently, he was able to speak

in a much louder and confident voice in negotiation with W in Stage Three than in

Stage One. In Case 3, the W was empowered by the mediator as a woman who

became strong by her marriage so that change in their marriage and in their

relationship was normal and desirable.

Reframe towards “selflessness” as a wholesome sanna is observed to be even

more powerful. For example, in Case 2, a new perspective was introduced by

reframing the third Aggregate as: He was brave to let go of the W to allow her to find

a man who would truly love her. The H was much empowered by this reframe and

became confident in not repeating the negative communication pattern with the W.

The H felt much more positive about the W and his own self image after this reframe

and with this new awareness, he was able to negotiate with the W on the access

arrangement of the child to fit both parties’ needs and in the best interest of the child

in Stage Three. Similarly, in Case 1, the W’s ambivalence to be controlled by the

H was reframed as her need to understand herself better as a woman and to learn to

communicate with H. The reframe of the fourth Aggregate to a more selfless

direction turned the W’s blame to even guilty feelings about the H. In Case 3, the

turning point happened when the H’s thought that the W wanted to sever his

relationship with his family was reframed as a new perspective of “selflessness” as a

wholesome sanna: He would need to keep the marriage in order to keep the

relationship with his parents and his extended family. Shortly after this intervention,

he was able to resolve his conflict with the W and accept the W’s request in Stage

three in the next Episode.

The effect of the reframe of “empowerment as change agent” or “selflessness”

has implication to the theory of the BM Model and the Five ARM. As the direction

of the Five ARM is to help the party to recognize the nature of existence as

impermanent, selfless and suffering, the results of the process research seem to

support the hypothesis that the more selfless or empowering the direction of the

reframe, the more powerful the effect will be in promoting transformative change in

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the process. The results also validate the hypothesis of the Five ARM in its

theoretical and clinical framework. Transformative potential for the change event

happens in the mediation process when the reframe can really achieve the goal of

bringing into the new awareness the wholesome sanna, i.e. the acceptance of the true

nature of existence which is impermanent, selfless and suffering.

According to the results of the Process Research of the three Cases, the parties

need to be validated in their feelings before creating doubt of the third and fourth

Aggregates can bring more awareness to the parties and bring about more options

from the parties to resolve the conflict. In Case 3, after acknowledging the

emotions of the couple, the mediator created doubt about their obsessive demands to

each other in respect of the sister-in-law by asking them to imagine that their

problem was gone and what their goals would be. The mediator then reframed their

fourth Aggregate as: How to show the sister-in-law that W was most important?

Both H and W softened as the H accepted that the W needed his support and they

were formulating some solution pictures in their mind.

The comparative analysis of the three Cases validates the internal coherence of

the theory of the BM Model that the process of reversing the third to tenth links

begins with the new awareness which leads to validation of the present suffering in

fourth to seventh links. After reframing the sanna to a more wholesome sanna and

creating doubt of the eight to tenth links, a new awareness bringing a new picture and

sensation of resolution of conflict will come from which will bring a new awareness

leading to the future temporal division of the 12 links.

8.3.3 Stage Three

Stage Three consists of one to two episodes and aims to deal with the future of

the parties under the 11th and 12th links.

The parties have options for reality checking in Stage Three. In all 3 Cases,

the parties have a new construction of the problem and establish a common ground

for future reference. The action plan is agreed between the parties. The emotions

of the parties are positive and full of hope due to the possibility of change for the

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future. In Case 3, the disengaged couple accepted that they could love each other

without fear of losing their extended family. They actually agreed how they would

deal with the sister-in-law in future. This result validates the internal coherence of

the theory of the BM Model with the literature confirming the reversal of the 11th to

12th links which are death of the experience of the conflict and rebirth as a new

construction.

The new construction of problem and hope elements are also confirmed by the

research of Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994 and Colehan,

Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998 as effective transformative events in the process

of change.


Stage One of BM Model

Unlike what needs to be achieved as a first task in sustaining engagement

(Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994), reframing to acknowledge

their mutual contribution to the problem is preferred but not essential in Stage One of

BM Model. The parties at least need to acknowledge the mutual suffering caused

by the problem or conflict.

The reframing of the fourth Aggregates as mutual concern is an important

feature of the BM Model in Stage One. The parties may accept reframes as mutual

concerns in all three Stages without committing to an agenda for resolution. Unlike

the engaged and indirectly engaged couples, the disengaged couple will take longer

to accept the agenda for discussion by more rounds of reframing their third and

fourth Aggregates by normalizing, neutralizing and mutualizing.

The unsuccessful change events of the Role Plays 1, 2 & 3 confirm that

reframing with the Five ARM is of utmost importance in order to mutualize their

suffering or problem in Stage One. The analysis by the five aggregates as a

hypothesizing tool is extremely useful for the mediator to use in an impasse. In this

aspect, the coaching of the Role Plays also confirms that the Five ARM is a valuable

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tool for teaching mediation in role play exercises.

The comparison of the three Cases confirms the hypothesis of the BM Model

that Stage One correlates with the first and second links. The past conflict is

explored as sankhara. The beginning of the process of reversing of the 12 links

starts from working on the first link of ignorance which is replaced by the new

awareness of the reframe of the Five ARM to mutual concern

Stage Two of the BM Model

In the research of transformative change event (Colehan, Friedlander, &

Heatherington, 1998), the positive attributes and interpersonal aspects are important

aspects of their model. The BM Model also converges with this theory according to

the results of the process research that the emotional tone will shift from blame to

more positive ones such as shared grief and empathy when the parties’ thinking are

reframed from intrapersonal blame to interpersonal relationship. The other aspects

of the transformation event such as construction of the problem and exploring

exceptions are present in the BM Model However, in addition to the above

elements of the transformation event, the comparison of the three Cases shows that

the transformative potential is enhanced if reframing brings new awareness towards

impermanence, selflessness and suffering such as enhancing their sense of

“selflessness” in their self-image and the empowerment of the parties as change

agent.

Under the research on sustaining engagement (Fridlander, Hatherington,

Johnson & Skowron, 1994), the parties need to exchange their thinking and feeling.

The comparison of the three Cases show that all the couples whether they are

engaged or disengaged will benefit from expressing their feelings, thinking and

needs. The Five ARM and the BM Model converge with the theory on the tasks

environment of sustaining engagement but will expand the tasks to exploring needs

and concerns to even greed, resentment and ignorance as motivation of the parties.

The comparison of the three Cases validates the internal coherence of the theory

of the BM Model that by reversing the third to tenth links, the parties’ consciousness

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will be shifted by way of the mediator introducing a new scenario to replace the old

scenario of their conflict. This can be done by using exceptions, hypothetical or

coping questions. The parties will need to experience a shift in their emotive tone

from negative to positive before the parties can accept the mediator’s reframing of

their sanna to a more wholesome direction towards the true nature of existence:

selflessness, suffering and impermanence. This significant aspect of the results of

the Process Research of the three Cases confirms the theoretical framework of the

BM Model based on the theory as suggested by Boisvert. Only after their sanna

has been reframed, can their obsession, including greed, resentment and delusion

under the eighth to tenth links, be challenged by creating doubt or reality-checking.

Then options of resolution of conflict will come to the mind of the parties to replace

their original sankhara.

Stage Three of the BM Model

The comparison of the three Cases confirms the result of the process research as

converging with the existing theory on sustaining engagement (Fridlander,

Hatherington, Johnson & Skowron, 1994) and transformation event (Colehan,

Friedlander, & Heatherington, 1998) where the reframing will bring a new

construction of problem and feeling of hope to the parties.

The comparison of the three Cases has confirmed the validity of the theory of

BM Model in Stage Three in the reversal of the 11th and 12th links, which are death of

the experience of the conflict and rebirth as a new construction..

8.4 Summary of the Results of the Process Research of the 3

Cases (See Diagram E of the Appendix)

As a summary of the results of the Process Research of the three Cases, flow

charts of each Case depicting Stages One, Two and Three are presented in the

Diagram E of the Appendix of this thesis. The flow charts show that within each

Stage, according to the Task Analysis, the Episodes of change together with the

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analysis of the five aggregates as a, b, c, d, e from the first to the fifth Aggregates on

the left hand columns and how they are transformed by reframing in each Episode on

the right hand columns. The “new awareness” under e on the left hand column

includes the cause consciousness of the past and the effect consciousness of the

present temporal division under the third link of the 12 links process representing a

shift in consciousness after an episode of reframe of the second, third and fourth

Aggregates.

The flow charts show clearly what direction the reframing in each episode aims

at. In Stage One of the three Cases, there are more reframes of mutual concern in

third Aggregate than any other kinds of reframe.

The flow charts also show that in Stage Two of the three Cases, validation of

feelings occur before positive feeling can happen between the parties. The positive

regard and exploration of the feeling and thinking of the parties occur before the

reframe of the parties’ needs and concerns into mutual interests. The reframes of

the sanna from selfish to more selfless image of the parties or mutual suffering

/contribution will happen soon after the positive feeling is evoked. The reframe

towards the direction of the more wholesome sanna is followed by creating doubt or

reality checking of the parties’ obsessive needs and wants. In Stage Three in all

three Cases, the feeling of hope is followed by a reframe of the third Aggregate,

sanna, as a new construction of the conflict and reframe of the fourth Aggregate, and

sankhara, as the future action plan.

By referring to the summary of the results of the Process Research of the three

Case Studies, the hypothesis of the BM Model and the Five ARM is further modified

and validated.

8.4.1 Validation of the Hypothesis of the BM Model by referring to the

Rice Seedling Sutra on the 12 links process

Finally, in order to check the validity of the Hypothesis of the BM Model as

described in this thesis, the Rice Seedling Sutra is referred. This exercise is

necessary to clarify exactly how the “reversing” of the 12 links (marked in red in the

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Diagram D of the Appendix in the Chart of BM Model) is translated in the BM

Model as a process of change in the mediation session.

The following diagram shows how the 12 links are taught in the Rice Seedling

Sutra (Gyatso, T. (Dalai Lama), 2000 p. 15):

Life A:

1 ignorance

2 compositional action projecting causes

3 consciousness –

a. cause-consciousness

Life B:

b. effect-consciousness

4 name and form

5 sense-spheres

6 contact projected effects

7 feeling

8 attachment

9 grasping actualizing causes

10 existence

Life C:

11 birth actualizing effects

12 aging and death

Life A precedes Life B at any time, and Life B precedes Life C with no interval.

From the Rice Seedling Sutra, the 12 links is applied to three lifetimes (Life A

as past, Life B as present, Life C as future) arising from two sets of projecting and

actualizing causes and effects as depicted in the above diagram. According to the

Sutra, the gap between Life A and Life B can be momentary or as long as 49 days

after the death of a person. Life A can be anyone’s life time in the past that bears

the potency nourished for the “effect consciousness” under the 3rd link to take place

as the beginning of the new life under Life B. Consciousness in Life B fulfils full

maturity upon “existence” under the tenth link when it is capable of producing a next

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new birth, Life C.

The creation of any life is due to karma which is caused by ignorance and the

effect of which is suffering. Under the Four Noble Truths, the Second Noble Truth,

which is the causes of suffering, is based on ignorance and karma (the first and

second links including the cause consciousness of third link) and the result is the

First Noble Truth of suffering (third to seventh links). This explains how one’s past

lifetime influences one’s present life time. The suffering of the present life time is

also affected by the actualizing causes in the eighth to tenth links which represent the

causes of suffering as in the Second Noble Truth. Attachment, clinging (eighth and

ninth links) which are caused by ignorance will produce karmic formations as

“existence” in the tenth link which in turn will cause another life time of suffering in

Life C. The result is the actualizing effects of the First Noble Truth of suffering in

the 11th and 12th links. In other words, in the present life time, due to the ignorance

under eighth and ninth links and the karma under tenth link, the resulting suffering is

actualized in the 11th and 12th links creating an endless cycle of samsara.

By understanding this relationship between actions and their effects, the theory

of the 12 links help us to find a way to produce more meritorious karma and

eventually to develop wisdom through realizing the “actual status of phenomena so

that the afflictive emotions that drive cyclic existence cannot get started (p.15).”

Like the Four Noble Truths, there are two modes of explanation to the 12 links.

One is in terms of affliction and the other in terms of purification. For the First

Truth, suffering is the effects in the afflicted class of phenomena. The Second Truth

is the true source of suffering. The Third Truth is the cessation of the pure class of

phenomena. The Fourth Truth is the causes of the cessation, the true paths of

practice – the Eightfold Paths which include the practice of Right View, Right

Understanding and Right Mindfulness.

Therefore, under the 12 links, the afflictive process is presented in a forward

process to give an explanation of the sources that produce suffering (Second Truth)

(p. 38):

Due to the condition of ignorance, action arises;

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Due to the condition of action, consciousness arises;

Due to the condition of consciousness, name and form arise;

Due to the condition of name and form, the six sense spheres arise;……

The afflictive process can be reversed to give the effects of true suffering (First

Truth) (p. 39):

The unwanted sufferings of ageing and death are produced in dependence upon birth;

Birth is produced in dependence upon the potentialized level of action called

“existence”;

Existence is produced in dependence upon grasping;

Grasping is produced in dependence upon attachment,…….

The purification process can be a forward process to give the causes of suffering

and how they can be ended (Second Truth) (p. 40):

When ignorance ceases, action ceases;

When action ceases, consciousness ceases;

When name and form cease, the six sense spheres cease;

When the six sense spheres cease, contact ceases;………

The purification process can be reversed by emphasizing the true cessation of

suffering (Third Truth) (p.40):

The cessation of ageing and death arises in dependence upon the cessation of birth;

The cessation of birth arises in dependence upon the cessation of the potentialized

level of karma called “existence”;

The cessation of the potentialized level of karma called “existence” arises in

dependence upon the cessation of grasping;

The cessation of grasping arises in dependence upon the cessation of

attachment;……..

The above processes are depicted in a painting called the “wheel of cyclic

existence with six sectors (p.41)”. The outer rim is the 12 links. The next are the

six sectors ranging from gods, demi-gods and humans to animals, hungry ghosts and

hell beings. The next rim shows what conditions cause suffering - the karma from

meritorious and unmeritorious actions. The innermost rim shows a further source

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of suffering to karmas – the afflictive emotions of desire, hatred and ignorance

depicted as a pig, a snake and a rooster. The monster holding the wheel symbolizes

impermanence. On the far right is the moon symbolizes liberation from suffering.

The Buddha on the top left corner of the painting is pointing to the moon leading us

to liberation from the endless cycle of samsara.

The history of the picture dates back to the times of the Buddha. The content

of the picture as explained above by the Dalai Lama (2000) confirms the root causes

of the suffering as greed, hate and ignorance in the centre of the picture. Ignorance

of what true existence is becomes the major cause for all the sufferings of beings.

The literature therefore confirms and validates the importance of the transformation

of delusion or ignorance by reframing sanna to wholesome sanna towards acceptance

of the true nature of existence: suffering, selflessness and emptiness.

The theoretical framework of the BM Model, is based on the theory of 12 links

on how affliction is created and how by reversing of the purification process of 12

links, cessation of suffering (as described in the Third Nobel Truth) can be achieved.

At the beginning of the data analysis of the three Case Studies, I was not sure how

the reverse of the purification process would take effect as steps in the mediation.

After reviewing the summary of the results of the Process Research and reviewing

the existing literature on the theory of 12 links, the hypothesis of the BM Model can

be further validated and modified with more explanation on how the reverse of the

12 links process can be done.

In Stage One, reframing the projecting causes from intrapersonal blaming to

mutual concerns in order to reverse the ignorance and karmic formations that caused

the existing suffering is the main focus. In Stage Two, the acknowledgment of the

mutual suffering or validation of feelings and thinking from third to seventh links as

the projecting effects is an important feature of the BM Model. Once the suffering

is acknowledged and mutualized, the disputants can be challenged about their

ignorance in the eighth and ninth links about what kind of future karmic formations

they will actualize under the eighth to tenth links as the actualizing cause. Here the

reframing of the sanna to wholesome sanna will prevent the disputants from falling

into unmeritorious karmic formations in the eighth and tenth links. More rounds of

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reframing of the vedana, sanna and sankhara will be necessary to bring new

awareness in Stage Two to create a new set of actualizing causes of meritorious

karmic formations that will bring a more meritorious actualizing effect in the 11th and

12 links in Stage Three.

I have noticed from the data analysis of the three Cases and the Role Play

exercises that uncovering and reframing the ignorance and sankhara (first and second

links) in Stage One is most important to move the parties from their impasse.

Similarly creating doubt about their obsessions (eighth and tenth links) in Stage Two

is most effective in moving the parties towards generating new options and a more

preferred outcome in Stage Three. The literature confirms that the projecting

causes and the actualizing causes are responsible for creating the corresponding

projecting and actualizing effects. Under Stage Two, the projecting effects from

third to seventh links are explored as the outcome of the past conflict. The

reframing of the vedana, sanna and sankhara in the Five ARM in Stage Two will help

to give a new scenario and new positive emotions to the effects. By reframing a

few rounds by Five ARM, when the obsessions or unwholesome sankhara of greed,

hate and delusion become more meritorious karmic formations under the eighth to

tenth links, the parties are ready to give options to resolve their dispute. In Stage

Three, the reverse of the process of the 12 links also starts with the reframe the past

conflict of selfish obsessions to acceptance of a common ground and reflects the

actualizing effects of hope and new construction of the problem carried from the end

of Stage Two.

Therefore the results of the data analysis of the Process Research and the

existing literature of the Rice Seedling Sutra both support the reversing of the 12

links under the BM Model takes the direction of the Five ARM in the manner as

depicted in the Chart of BM Model under Diagram D of the Appendix by focusing

on the projecting and actualizing causes to create the corresponding projecting and

actualizing effects.

(End of Chapter 8)

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CHAPTER 9: DISCOURSE ANALYSIS - VALIDATION of

HYPOTHESES of BM Model and FIVE ARM

9.1 Modification of the theory and practice of the BM Model and

the Five ARM


9.3 Hypotheses from Research Questions 1, 2 & 3 (See Diagram

F of Appendix) 9.3.1 Research Question 1




9.1 Modification of the theory and practice of the BM Model and

the Five ARM

The following are the highlights from the analysis of some of the essays in

Chapter 6 to show the contributions of the essays from the students to the

modification of the theory and practice of the BM Model and the Five ARM

Essay 1:

“To reaffirm the BM Model, one of the ways to shift the parties from their

biased views (e.g. Grandma did not accept Ms. Chan as her daughter-in-law) was to

reframe the sanna to a more wholesome direction: it was in their interest to rebuild

their relationship.”

The effect of the reverse of the process of 3rd to 10th links in Stage 2 is

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confirmed by the process in the role play in Essay 1. The parties were introduced to

a new scenario: the Grandma had lost a son and Ms Chan, as the daughter-in-law,

had lost her husband. This shared grief needed to be experienced between the

disputants before they could accept the reframe of the sanna to a more wholesome

direction: refocusing them to their mutual suffering and their mutual interests as the

two children as the granddaughters. With the facilitation of the coach to reframe

with the 5 ARM, the mediator was able to reframe the parties’ needs and concerns

(4th Aggregate or 8th to 10th links): How can the parties rebuild their relationship?

Essay 2:

“To sum up, I think the Five Aggregates model has indeed helped me a lot to make

sense of the things around me. Apart from the constructive impact it plays in the

mediation session, I believe it is a valuable tool for us to gain the wisdom in pursuing

the middle way – the truth.”

“The analysis of the role-playing exercise confirms the practice of reframing by

using the Five ARM as an intervention during the mediation process. However,

from the analysis of the transcript, it is not clear whether the use of the Five ARM in

the format of the ‘I’ message model is essential in establishing the effectiveness of the

intervention. One thing can be established from the analysis: it is helpful to analyze

the case from the perspectives of the five aggregates when the mediator is lost in the

process….”

“Using the five aggregates to describe what has happened in the session gives a

clearer picture of the internal experiences of the parties as well as identifying their

perception or obsession that needs to be reframed. If the third Aggregate and the

fourth Aggregate are grasped from the conversation between the mediator and the

parties, the direction for reframing will become clear. However, unless the

mediator consciously practices the analysis by Five ARM, the reframing will be done

without the transformative effect.”

From the above analysis, the 5 ARM can be used as a tool of the mediator to

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form a hypothesis of the situation during the mediation session. The practice of 5

ARM by the mediator during the session can be implicit in the process and not

limited to the expressed coaching of the parties on the “I” message model. It is

therefore hypothesized that unless the mediator practises the 5 ARM consciously,

reframing per se will not have the transformative effect of deconstructing the self of

the parties and it will not follow the BM Model of process of change. It is also

hypothesized that reframing without consciously using the 5 ARM may still have the

therapeutic effect of facilitating change by the parties who will become more

engaged in constructive problem solving.

Essay 3:

“The coach did not make reference to the 12 links theory in the coaching of the

role play. In the future, the process of the 12 links and the mediation process would

have to be integrated in the coaching. The chart and model of the BM developed in

this thesis would be used as a basis and referred to specifically in the coaching.”

The theory building of the BM Model in this thesis is an important

contribution to the existing theory of conflict resolution. The 5 ARM becomes a

more transformative practice of reframing when the 5 ARM is used in the BM Model

which is based on the theoretical framework of the 12 links of dependent origination,

a Buddhist theory on conflict resolution that has been introduced by the Buddha over

2500 years ago. It is envisaged that the teaching of the BM course will be easier

with the BM Model being developed with the micro-skills and techniques mapped

out for the students. More research can be done in the training model of the BM.

Essay 4:

“The focus of the BM Model is on the internal states of consciousness of the

mediator and the disputants. The objectives of the Model are to transform the ‘self’

of the disputants which is covered by the five aggregates.”

The contribution to knowledge on the theory of conflict resolution can also be

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identified from the analysis of the above essay. Under the BM Model, the internal

causes of conflict being greed, hate and delusion as the unwholesome roots of actions

in Buddhist theory is complementary to the external causes of conflict of the western

scientific model of conflict resolution. We can hypothesize that the transformative

value to the disputants and the mediators will be enhanced accordingly by analyzing

the essay written by an experienced family mediator and therapist.

Essay 5:

“The connection between social constructivism with the Five ARM is built in

to the theoretical framework of the BM Model.”

The theoretical basis of why the solution focused brief therapy model is

introduced in the BM Course needs to be emphasized. The student was impressed

with the questioning skills and “not knowing” position of the solution focused model

but the philosophical basis and theoretical connection was not made clear to the

students. The philosophical basis of social constructivism will be emphasized in the

BM course.


To further validate the hypothesis of the theory and practice of BM Model and

the Five ARM as modified by the above analysis, an essay from another student is

chosen to use as a text for checking the hypothesis. I have obtained consent from

a student who did the BM course in 2005- 2006 to quote from her essay. In the

essay, the student describes the BM Model as follows:

“In the book Mindful Mediation, Dr. John Mc Connell applies Buddhist

Psychology to mediation. He explores the application of Four Noble

Truths and Dependent Origination and shows they could be used as a basis

for conflicts resolution. In the book The Positive Psychology of Buddhism

and Yoga, Dr. Marvin Levine illustrates the application of Four Noble

Truths for problem solving through self-transformation. Applications of

Buddhist theories for conflict resolution are summarized in Table 1.

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Table 1

Applications of Buddhist Theories for Conflict Resolution

Four

Noble

Truths

Mindful Mediation by Dr. John

McConnell. (1995)

The Positive Psychology of

Buddhism and Yoga by Dr.

Marvin Levine (2000)

The Truth

of Dukkha

(Suffering)

Conflict is part of the human

condition. The challenge of the

first truth is thus to ask ourselves:

What is our experience of conflict?

What are its qualities and

dimensions? And to simply be

aware, without avoiding the

reality in any way.

We are vulnerable to a

multitude of suffering

experiences. Dukka

includes the idea of

“transitoriness” which

implies that the potential

for suffering is always

present.

Four

Noble

Truths

Mindful Mediation by Dr. John

McConnell. (1995)

The Positive Psychology of

Buddhism and Yoga by Dr.

Marvin Levine (2000)

The Truth

of Tanha

(Craving)

The challenge of the second noble

truth is to be aware of the

psychological roots of conflict:

greed, hate and delusion, which

interact within and between the

minds of conflictants, manifesting

themselves in perceptions and

behavior.

Cravings are the cause of

suffering. We are

vulnerable because of the way

human nature is constituted.

In line with modern

psychology, the human is

viewed as “caught” in a

matrix of forces, which affect

both the pain we experience

and our actions.

The Truth The challenge of the third noble Our vulnerability can be

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of Nirvana

(Liberatio

n from

Dukkha)

truth is to see conflict as an

opportunity for peacemaking,

through cessation of clinging to

unwholesome roots, by

detachment, hatelessness and

clarity of mind.

ended. We can attain

freedom from Dukkha by

transfroming our cravings.

The Truth

of Magga

(The

Eight-Fold

Path)1

Peace is a way of life. We do not

have to wait for release from

suffering. We are free to begin to

live in a way that is conducive to

the reduction and extinction of

suffering by the practice of the

eightfold path. Peacemaking

relates directly to the

self-awareness with which we live

each day.

Liberation from Dukkha is

attained by the practice of

eight disciplines, which guide

us toward

self-transformation, strength

and equanimity in life’s

turbulence and maturity and

serenity.

“The challenge to a Buddhist mediator is to identify and engage with the

roots of conflict: greed, hate, and delusion as they are manifested in the

conflict faced. He could trace the origins and history of a conflict and

observe the psychological interactions that perpetuate it in the present.

Greater awareness is needed to undermine these roots. The root of skillful

understanding lies in the presence of mindfulness as an active dimension in

the learning process.

“With reference to the dependent origination, the Buddhist mediator is

taught to be mindful and aware of the arising of suffering and conflict, and

focus on minute changes in experience. He could identify seccessions of

mental changes, from the initial stimulus of a physical event or mental

image, through various stages of feeling and desire, to a change in the way

one perceives himself and others.

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“Through mindfulness, selfish wants are reformulated into needs which

take account of others, by the Buddhist mediator. Considering the conflict

as a whole, he looks for solutions which answer the main needs of each

party.”

The student has succinctly described the correlation between the Four Noble

Truths, the Eightfold Path, the five aggregates and the 12 links with conflict

resolution in the above paragraphs. It is clear that the student understands the key

concepts and theory in Buddhist Psychology and how they relate to conflict

resolution. The application of the process of the BM Model and the Five ARM as

hypothesized by this thesis can be traced from a case study of a conflict between two

college students described in the essay. The disputants lived in the same room in a

hostel where the writer was the Hostel Manager. The writer at the time of the

conflict intervened unsuccessfully. On reflection, she uses the BM Model to

analyze the five aggregates of the Hostel Manager and to work out the appropriate

strategies for resolving the conflict:

“Correlation among dependent origination, five aggregates and Hostel Manager’s

Delusion

Elements of Dependent

Origination

Corresponding

Aggregates

Correlation with Hostel Manager’s

Delusion

Consciousness Consciousness

(5) Attachment to the outcomes while

overlooking students’ learning

opportunities and needs.

Mind and Matter

The five aggregates

The Six Sense-Doors Matter

(1) Dispute among student residents

which might lead to hostel

withdrawals and loss in hostel income.

Sensation Sensation

(2) Unpleasant mental sensation that

stems from empathy with residents

and dissatisfaction of potential

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adverse outcomes.

Recognition

(3) Unwholesome interpretations of

reality that are not conducive to

insight and that generate obsessions of

managing the best hostel.

Craving

Clinging

Becoming

Karmic Activities

(4) Craving for both Students

continuing to stay in the Hostel and

hoping for a happy ending for the

students and the Hostel.

(Adapted from Mathieu Boisvert, 1995, Table 12 pp. 142)

Table 4

Understanding Escalation of the Conflict between Miss Snobby & Miss Sloppy

Miss Snobby’s experience Miss Sloppy’s experience Mediator’s Strategies

Miss Snobby intended to

approach Hostel Manager

for Hostel withdrawal

such that she did not have

to live with Miss Sloppy

anymore.

Miss Sloppy perceived Miss

Snobby’s Hostel withdrawal

application as a complaint in

disguise, so as to oust her out

of the room and then enjoy

single occupancy.

Clarification of

intentions of Miss

Snobby and Miss Sloppy

and corresponding

interpretations of others’

reactions that are wrong.

Miss Snobby expected to

apply for another Hostel

and pair up with another

roommate. She also

expected Miss Sloppy to

understand that she could

no longer put up with her.

Miss Sloppy was upset by Miss

Snobby’s complaint.

Encourage greater

awareness of the effects

of the action on the other

party.

Help convey apology if

appropriate.

Miss Snobby was

disappointed by Miss

Sloppy’s counter

complaint and gossiping.

Therefore, she resorted to

the Warden for justice.

Miss Sloppy used to tolerate

Miss Snobby’s boyfriend.

After she heard Miss Snobby’s

complaint about her, she filed

a counter-complaint for

self-defence.

With tact, give each a

balanced understanding

of the feelings of the

other.

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Sloppy’s experience Snobby’s experience Mediator’s Strategies

Miss Sloppy intended to

defend herself by raising a

counter-complaint about

Miss Snobby’s boyfriend

and initiated gossip in the

Hostel.

Miss Snobby perceived Miss

Sloppy’s counter-complaint as

a complaint in disguise, so as to

oust her out of the room and

enjoy single occupancy then.

Clarification of what

each conflictant

intended and how

others interpreted the

action.

Miss Sloppy expected Miss

Snobby to withdraw from

the hostel under peer

pressure or be evicted out

of the room/hostel by the

Warden. She also expected

Miss Snobby to understand

that she could no longer put

up with her.

Miss Snobby was upset by Miss

Sloppy’s counter-complaint.

Encourage greater

awareness of the

effects of the action on

the other party.

Help convey apology if

appropriate.

Miss Sloppy was

disappointed by Miss

Snoppy’s complaint.

Therefore, she resorted to

the Warden for justice.

Miss Snobby used to tolerate

Miss Slobby’s untidiness and

consider withdrawal from the

hostel when she found that she

could no longer put up with

her. After she heard Miss

Sloppy’s counter-complaint

about her, she resorted to the

Warden for self-defence and

justice.

With tact, give each a

balanced

understanding of the

feelings of the other.

(Adapted from John McConnell, 1995, Matrix 3 pp. 223)

Moreover, before the problem grew into a battle, I should have introduced other

solution alternatives to them such as talking solutions, adjustment solutions, generosity

solutions, pressure solutions and punishment solutions prescribed by Dr. Marvin

Levine in the book “The Positive Psychology of Buddhism and Yoga”.

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From the above description of the case study, the three-stage process of the BM

Model can be identified and correlated with the Five ARM:

Stage 1 – The mediator’s strategy is to facilitate clarification of the interpretation of

the parties about the conflict and how it affects each other. This is similar to the

reframing of the sanna and sankhara as the mutual suffering and concerns of the

parties.

Stage 2 – The mediator’s strategy is to facilitate a balanced understanding of each

other’s feelings and even help to convey apology. This is similar to the reframing

of the seventh link or vedana. The offering of alternative solutions to the problem

is similar to creating doubt about the eighth to tenth links or sankhara (craving,

clinging and becoming)in the BM Model.

Stage 3 – Once their feelings are softened and they can see there are options, they are

ready to resolve their conflict.

After reviewing the above essay, I am convinced that the theory of the BM

Model and the Five ARM was imbedded into the literature and the role-playing

exercises enacted in the BM course. However, with the results of this thesis from

the Process Research on the three case studies, the detailed chart of the BM Model

has been developed showing the micro-steps of the Five ARM within the three stages

of the Process of the BM Model. The students of the next BM course will have the

benefit of this chart as a guide to understand and practise the BM Model and the Five

ARM. More case studies can be used to test the micro-steps of the Five ARM and

the theory of the BM Model can be refined in future.

9.3 Hypotheses from the Research Questions 1, 2 and 3 (See

Diagram F of the Appendix)

As a summary of the results of the Discourse Analysis on the 7 Essays, a flow

chart is used to demonstrate the categories as identified under the 3 Research

Questions and the hypotheses that followed from the analysis. The flow charts and

the conclusions to the hypotheses are shown in Diagram F of the Appendix attached

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to this thesis.

9.3.1 Research Question 1: How do the students “see” the BM Model and

Five ARM?

According to the results of the Discourse Analysis, there are 3 categories

identified from the contents of the 7 Essays:

a. five aggregates,

b. 12 links and

c. skills and applications of Five ARM and BM Model.

After noting what was said and not said in all 7 Essays, the observations to the

answers to Research Question 1 are:

a. All the students understand the Five ARM but are not clear about the BM

Model.

b. The application of the Five ARM was not generalized to their real life

situations according to their journals except for a small number of students.

c. The 12 links were not mentioned in at least 3 Essays.

d. The essays did not show a clear understanding of how the skills of Five ARM

and the BM Model worked on the whole. However, the range of skills was

clearly very different from a standard mediation training without the Five

ARM and the theory of the 12 links. They focused more on the

transformation of the self; such as how to deconstruct the “concocted self” in

Essay 4 and how to be “mindful” in two Essays and “stop craving, reframing

sanna and achieving wisdom” in Essay 5.

The Hypotheses are as follows:

a. The BM Model was not clear to the students. This thesis will help to

confirm the theoretical framework and practice of the BM Model.

b. The role play exercises will need to focus more on the drill of the Five ARM.

c. The specific application of the skills and application of the Five ARM and

BM Model will need to be discussed and demonstrated in the BM course.

The hypothesis that the BM Model and the Five ARM are more

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transformative than the average mediation training is confirmed by the few

examples illustrated in some of the Essays - especially in Essay 4 which is

written by an experienced Family mediator and therapist.

9.3.2 Research Question 2: What do the students “do” in relation to the Five

ARM and the BM Model?

According the results of the Discourse Analysis, two categories can be

identified from the contents of the 7 Essays:


b. process of BM Model.

After noting what was said and what was omitted in all 7 Essays, the

observations to the answers to Research Question 2 are as follows:

a. the reframing exercises have been done by all students but not all of them

could internalise the Five ARM as they were not able to utilise them in

their role play exercises.

b. The role play exercises showed that some of them could complete the

process of mediation. In Role play 3, the mediator could not complete

the process even after the coach used an analysis of the Five ARM to

facilitate the process. Later in her essay, the mediator discovered that she

had not been able to reframe with the Five ARM in Stage I due to not

being mindful in her performance. The coach was not mindful enough

to coach her to move from the impasse she encountered. She could

demonstrate the skills of reframing by using the Five ARM in the essay.

c. The facilitation of the coach was mainly to help the mediators to

hypothesize the process by using the Five ARM when there was an

impasse.

d. The stages of the BM Model was demonstrated by most students with

help from the coach.


a. Reframing with the Five ARM is useful to move past Stage I and without having

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successfully reframed their complaints against each other as their mutual

concerns by the mediator, the parties do not accept the mediator’s proposed

agenda.

b. To coach as well as mediate, it was necessary ot be mindful and the reframing of

the Five ARM can only be done in a mindful state.

c. The Stages of BM Model are validated and confirmed by the role play exercises

of the successful as well as unsuccessful change of events as demonstrated by

the essays and role plays.

9.3.3 Research Question 3: How was the student influenced by the BM

Model and the Five ARM?

According to the results of the Discourse Analysis, two categories can be

identified from the content of the 7 Essays:


b. application of the BM Model or the Five ARM.

After noting what was said and not said in all 7 Essays, the observations to the

answers to Research Question 3 are:

a. Mindfulness was referred to by nearly all students as a quality of the Buddhist

Mediator. However, knowing how to be mindful was not discussed except in

one essay where the student found herself not mindful during the role play

exercise.

b. Five ARM was referred to as a personal growth tool by all students but the BM

Model was not mentioned.

c. The concepts of greed, hate and delusion as unwholesome roots of action were

not mentioned except in one or two essays.


a. The practice of “mindfulness” will need to be emphasized and exercises will

need to be developed in the BM course to complement the theory and practice of

BM Model and Five ARM. It has been demonstrated in the role play exercise

in Essay 3 that mindfulness is the most important skill to the mediator and the

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coach.

b. Separating “feeling” and “thinking” from “needs” is referred to as most

transformative for the students when applying them to their daily lives as well as

the practice of mediation.

c. More theory and practice in the context of the mediation process on greed, hate

and delusion and how they can be transformed in the BM Model needs to be

developed.


In order to validate or modify the Hypotheses 1, 2 & 3, the essay written by a

student from a previous BM course is reviewed.

a. Hypotheses to Research Question 1: these hypotheses are mainly on theory

building of the Five ARM and the BM Model.

The theory of Five ARM and BM Model is validated by the essay which cited

theories from literature on Buddhist theories of conflict resolution and on the Four

Noble Truths based on the following texts:

(i) Mindful Mediation by Dr. John McConnell which applied Buddhist

Psychology to mediation practice and

(ii) Positive Psychology of Buddhism and Yoga by Dr. Marvin Levine which

applied the Four Noble Truths for problem solving towards

self-transformation.

The conclusion from the review of the essay is that the basic Buddhist theories

of conflict resolution are embedded in the existing literature including the correlation

between the five aggregates and the 12 links. The classical Buddhist theory of the

Four Noble Truths is also embedded in the Five ARM and the BM Model It is clear

from the essay that the theory of the Five ARM as a reframing model was well

applied by the student. However, the theory of the BM Model was not as clear

according to the review of the essay. The results of the Process Research of this

thesis is therefore necessary and useful to confirm the theoretical framework of the

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BM Model.

Hypotheses from Research Question 1 are all validated. The results of this

thesis will contribute to the theory budilding of the BM Model, which will in turn

contribute to developing a theory on a universal multilevel-process of change. The

results of this thesis also validate the theory of Five ARM which will contribute to

developing the micro-skills of intervention-effect in mediation for future testing on

effectiveness.

b. Hypotheses to Research Question 2: The hypotheses deal mainly with the

practice of the Five ARM and the BM Model.

The practice of the Five ARM is validated by the essay which cited examples by

a chart showing the differences between Elements of Dependent Origination, the

Corresponding aggregates and the Hostel Manager’s delusion (as adapted from the

book by Matheiu Boisvert, 1995).

The essay demonstrated the practice of the BM Model by the example of

mediation between Miss Snobby and Miss Sloppy:

Under Stage 1: the interpretation of the parties about the conflict and how they are

affected are explored. Their mutual concerns are established.

Under Stage 2: the mediator facilitates the understanding of feelings and conveys

apologies if necessary. A softening of emotions occurs in this stage.

Under Stage 3: The parties develop options and solutions. The mediator facilitates

option generation.

It is concluded that the hypotheses from research question 2 are basically

confirmed. The process of the BM Model has been validated by the example in the

essay although it was a much more simplified version. The process research

confirms that the BM Model and the 3 stages of the universal process of change as

follows:

Stage 1 which deals with past conflict by reversing the 1 -2 links- the mediator

needs to reframe the 3rd and 4th aggregates from individual suffering to mutual

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suffering and contribution; intrapersaonal blaming to interpersonal relationship;

change obsessions to mutual concerns.

Stage 2 which deals with the present conflict by reversing the 3rd to 10th links –

the mediator needs to reframe the 2nd, 3rd and 4th aggregates from old to new

perspective of conflict; turn blaming to softening of emotions and more positive

regard for each other; create doubt about positions and to acknowledge the options in

the interests of the parties.

Stage 3 which deals with the future by reversing 11th to 12 th links - the

mediator needs to reframe the 3rd and 4th aggregates from an old to a new

construction of the problem; establish common ground and an action plan for the

future.

c. Hypotheses to Research Question 3: the hypotheses are mainly about the

transformative value of the BM Model and Five ARM.

The essay emphasized the value of the BM Model in promoting “mindfulness”

and in transforming selfish wants to mutual needs and gain.

As a conclusion, the hypotheses to research question 3 confirm other than

“mindfulness” that Five ARM has a transformative value in separating feeling,

thinking and needs of the students and not only the disputants. We can therefore

confirm that when the Five ARM is fitted into the BM Model, the direction of

reframing has the transformative value in deconstructing the self.

However, the implication of the result of the analysis of the essays is that the

theory and practice of “mindfulness” is not well developed in the BM course and is

therefore not articulated in most of the essays of the students.

Conclusions:

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(1) The theory building of the Five ARM and the BM Model has improved the

existing theory of conflict resolution and created a hypothesis towards a

universal process of change using the 12 links as the guiding principle.

(2) The Five ARM has transformative value in deconstructing the self

according to Buddhist psychology and the Five ARM also gives a

transformative direction in reframing from the constructivist perspective.

(3) More theory and practice on “mindfulness” needs to be integrated into the

BM Model.

(End of Chapter 9)

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CHAPTER 10: CONCLUSIONS TO THE THESIS

10.1 Mindfulness 10.1.1 Buddhist theory of the Mind


10.2 Differences between the BM Model and other western

models of mediation 10.2.1 Western Psychology vs. Buddhist Psychology


10.3 Future research 10.3.1 Integrating Science and Religion

10.3.2 The 4 quadrants – subjective states; objective behavior;

inter-subjective structures; inter-objective systems

10.1 Mindfulness

Mindfulness is central to the practice of the BM Model. However, as observed

from the conclusions to the Discourse Analysis of the Essays from the students, the

theory and practice of mindfulness has not been fully incorporated in the BM Model.

I shall fill up this gap in theory by referring to the theory of the mind in Buddhism.

I shall also refer to a form of meditation, Tonglen which I have previously taught in

the BM course to demonstrate how the practice of meditation can be used by

mediators in handling their own emotions and those of their clients.

10.1.1 Buddhist theory of the Mind

Embedded in the theory of the BM Model is the classical theory of Buddhism

on suffering, the Four Noble Truths: the truth about suffering including the cause,

cessation and path for cessation of suffering. To understand the Four Noble Truths,

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there are two levels of ‘reality’ in Buddhist philosophy (Goleman & Thurman, 1991,

p.14):

One level is the empirical, phenomenal and relative level that appears to us,

where functions such as causes and conditions, names and labels, and so on

can be validly understood. The other is a deeper level of existence

beyond that, which Buddhist philosophers describe as the fundamental, or

ultimate, nature of reality, and which is often technically referred to as

‘emptiness’

Buddhists base their practice on theory and most meditative practices are based on

the theory of ultimate reality.

Also inherent in the theory of the BM Model, are the three major common

characteristics of existence according to Buddhist thinking: the universality of

Suffering, Impermanence and Emptiness. All phenomena arise under the principle

of “dependent origination” which means that nothing comes into existence uncaused.

There are two major categories of causation: external, meaning forms of physical

objects and events, and internal, meaning cognitive and mental events. Experiences

of pain and pleasure all come from this internal as well as external causation.

Therefore, it is important in Buddhist theory to examine the inner states of the mind

and their relationship with the external material world and circumstances.

Buddhists’ view of the macroscopic world of physical reality can be traced back to an

original state in which all material particles are condensed into what are known as

“space particles”. These “space particles” interact with each other and evolve into

different forms of beings and various manifestations. The doctrine of karma

explains how these “invisible workings of actions, or karmic force (karma means

action), are intimately linked to the motivation in the human mind which gives rise to

these actions. Therefore an understanding of the nature of the mind and its role is

crucial to an understanding of human experience and the relationship between mind

and matter” (p.16).

The ultimate nature of mind according to the tantric school is essentially pure

called “clear light”. All afflictive emotions such as hatred, desire and ignorance are

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products of conditioning and not intrinsic qualities of the mind. By practicing

meditation, which is a form of mind training, the clear light nature of mind can be

free from the conditioning of the afflictive states and the individual in that state of

mind is said to be on the way to true liberation from all suffering and to attaining full

enlightenment (p.17).

To sum up, in the theory of the three major characteristics of existence,

Buddhism maintains that misconception of reality is the source of all “Suffering”

which is the basis of our modern psychological and emotional problems. This

misconception is caused by the innate belief in the existence of things as they appear

to us and our ignorance of the true mode of existence which is characterised as

“Impermanence”. The validity of the appearance of things and our grasping onto

things as “enduring entities that possess self-defining characteristics, essential

natures (p.25)” can only be dispelled by understanding the true nature of reality and

through the practice of meditation, in gaining insight into this “Emptiness” of things.

Gaining such insight will open up the mind and helps the individual become more

flexible and ready for transformation.

Thus, in the concept of mind, there are subtle as well as gross levels of this

knowing nature. The gross levels of the mind cover our sensory perceptions, which

depend on the physical body for manifestation. Buddhist teachings contain a

detailed map and a comprehensive theory of how the mind and the body can affect

each other and how meditative techniques can be used to bring these effects under

voluntary control of the body and the mind. Scientific research has been done in

this regard to enrich the body/mind connection as early as 1970 when R .K. Wallace

published a paper on the “Physiological Effects of Transcendental Meditation” in the

prestigious journal Science. Accordingly, the theory and practice of meditation is a

scientific one (p.197):

Wallace’s (and others’ subsequent) research demonstrated that people in a

meditative state display very real and very dramatic changes in the body’s

physiology, including everything from blood chemistry to brain-wave patterns.

On the basis of this repeatable data, Wallace concluded that the meditative state is

a ‘fourth state of consciousness,’ as real as the waking, dreaming, and deep sleep

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states (because, for example, all four states have signature brain patterns as

disclosed on an EEG machine).

The mind training to achieve a meditative state has now been applied to stress

management and pain relief programmes in the UK and in USA. At the University

of Massachusetts Medical Center (UMMC), a large medical school and hospital

started in 1970, there is an on-going experiment on stress and relax responses. The

patients are taught the body scan (a type of meditation), the sitting mediation called

choiceless awareness, which is really a formless meditation with no object, just pure

awareness, and hatha yoga with mindfulness (Goleman, 1997, p.137) :

We focus on perceiving stressors- the things in life that cause stress – with

mindfulness of the body, thoughts, feelings, and actions Each time we do the

program, we get the same results. Between the beginning and the end of the

program, there is a sharp reduction in the number of both medical symptoms and

psychological symptoms such as anxiety, anger, hostility, and somatization.

The effect of the mind training seems to make habitual a relaxed mental state

with an internal awareness of one’s constant stream of consciousness without

attachment to the aggregates of observation, sensation, thinking or action in any one

moment. Such cultivation can be achieved by other means of silence. In one of

his famous mediation demonstration, John Haynes told the audience in a conference

before the mediation session, that he had taken five minutes to silence his mind

before the session began so that he could clear his mind of any particular topic and

be alertly responsive to the present moment during the session.

For Buddhists, meditation is used for the purpose of developing mental qualities

to act compassionately with the right view of the nature of existence by using two

types of mind training – analytical and stabilizing training (Gyatso, T (Dalai Lama),

2000, p.34):

First, an object is analysed, after which the mind is set one-pointedly on the same

object in stabilizing meditation. Within analytical meditation, there are also two

types:

1. something, such as impermanence, is taken as the object of the mind and is

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meditated upon;

2. a mental attitude is cultivated through meditation, as in cultivating love, in

which case the mind becomes of the nature of the mental attitudes.


There are many different methods of the two types of meditation – analytical

and stabilizing – taught under various schools of Buddhism. I have received

teachings on the technique of Tonglen as part of the Seven Point Mind Training over

10 years ago and have applied it in my personal practice in handling afflictive

emotions and experiences in my daily life and in mediation sessions.

The instructions of the Seven Point Mind Training originated from the teachings

of Atisha, the 11th century great Indian Buddhist master and scholar who taught in

Tibet during the last 12 years of his life. The practice of Tonglen, which in Tibetan

means “sending and receiving”, is described in the instructions of the Seven Point

Mind Training and the teaching is explained as follows (Khyentse, 1992, p.35):

With an attitude of strong compassion, we imagine that the suffering of all beings

dissolves into us, and in return we give our body, wealth and positive actions of

the past, present and future.…..Visualize in front of you the person you dislike

most. As you exhale, all your happiness, positive actions and wealth leave you

like mist pushed by the wind. They dissolve into your enemy, who is thereby

freed from suffering and filled with joy, becoming as happy as if he had been born

in the Pure Land of Dewachen. As you inhale, all his sufferings, negative

actions and obscurations sink into you like dust on wind.

This teaching is based on the fact that all suffering arises through not recognising

ego-clinging as the enemy and obstacle for enlightenment. Compassion and

kindness towards other beings, generosity towards others and free others from

suffering are also valued as a spiritual practice. There is also the notion of harm

that what is suffered is provoked by bad karma of past negative actions. Upon

enlightenment, all karmic forces cease to have effect. In practising the exchange of

happiness and suffering of Tonglen, one can become less afflicted in emotion (even

from hope or fear) and less attached to the ego. However, it may be difficult to

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recognise afflictive emotions as soon as they arise – especially at the beginning of

practicing mindfulness. It is recommended that our body, speech and mind should

always be engaged in positive activity and meditate accordingly (p.87):

We should constantly meditate on difficulties that we cannot escape. Towards

people, for instance, who do us harm, who want to compete with us, who are at

one moment friendly but who suddenly turn against us unprovoked, or towards

people who for no apparent reason (due to our karma) we simply do not like, we

should try to generate the Bodhichitta even more intensely, especially when it is

difficult.

This practice of Tonglen has been taught in the West by Tibetan masters and

commented on by Stephen Gilligan, a psychotherapist who adopts a modified

practice of Tonglen (1997, p.119):

The ancient practice of Tonglen…central to Tibetan approaches to working with

“negative” emotional experiences involving anger, sadness, fear, or other

suffering. They emphasize that while you cannot avoid such experiences, you

can skillfully use them as the basis for developing self-love and love for the world.

The method is somewhat counterintuitive to the consumerist Western mind, which

is trained to want to take in all the good experiences and dump out all the “bad”

experiences. In tonglen, the negative experiences are taken in, and positive

experiences are given away to the world. In this way, one practices the skill of

transmuting suffering into grace.

He has created a four steps process from Tonglen (p.120):

1. Identify “negative” target experience- some person, experience, emotion, or part

of oneself that a person wants to change.

2. Identify self-transcendent experience – positive memory or relationship with a

person, place, or process that involves the experience of love and openness.

3. Develop breathing connection to relational self – breathing mindfully with an

awareness of the belly center of consciousness.

4. Circular process: Breathe in target experience/Breathe out self-transcendent

experience – once open and centered, the toxic experience may be sensed and

breathed into one’s center and received with kindness and mindfulness; on the

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out-breath, the positive experience is sent into the world. Rhythm continues for

a few minutes and notice any differences or changes in the understanding,

perception or experience of either the positive or negative.

Around year 2000, I taught Tonglen to a group of over 30 workers in a Nursing

Home in Chi Lin Nunnery in Hong Kong. They were helpers, nurses,

physio-therapists and social workers in the front line caring for the old aged and

handling their family members. They complained of the anger they felt when they

experienced verbal abuse from some of the old people under their care, especially

when they were bathing them. They were taught the breathing meditation of

tonglen by breathing in the negative words, sounds or scenes that they were

experiencing and transforming the breath at the centre of their belly into an

out-breath of positive experience. The negative experience can be symbolized by

cursing or vulgar words that they are hearing and transforming into Buddhist hymns,

chants or beautiful songs. It can also be represented by colours of darkness such as

black clouds, and transformed into brightness of golden lights. Basically, the

negative emotions whether it is anger, shame, hurt, ill-will and the like become

transformed by being breathed in and touched at the center of the belly awareness

and transformed into feelings of comfort, grace, love, kindness and compassion for

the people they are dealing with.

The basis for encouraging the helpers to practise the tonglen is that when they

are confronted with negative experience such as verbal abuse, the internal state of the

person that they are dealing with (i.e. the ‘mental factors’ that are dominant in the

mind of that person at that moment), defines the quality of that encounter. If the

encounter is toxic, it will create negative karma for both of them (Goleman &

Thurman, 1991). When they react to the toxic encounter in a negative way the karma

(under the 8th to 10th links) will be perpetuated. Alternatively, if they can transform

the encounter into a nourishing one, they will be able to change the karma from

negative to positive for both of them.

In subsequent group meetings, most of the participants reported that they had

used this meditative skill and that they could handle negative emotions under

stressful situations more effectively than they had before. One participant reported

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that he had been able to handle a particularly rude and abusive old man by breathing

in all the negative words and action from him and breathing out the positive

emotions of compassion and kindness in return. To his surprise the negative

behavior disappeared and the old man suddenly became calm and cheerful for no

apparent reason.

I have also previously taught tonglen to students of the BM course. One

student has reported in his essay that he used tonglen successfully to calm himself in

a conflict situation. Upon reflection of the conclusions from the Discourse Analysis

of the Essays, I shall use the practice of tonglen as a core feature of the BM Model

for practising mindfulness and compassion for ourselves and the disputants. The

greed, hate and ignorance of the parties can be transformed by projecting positive

elements to them through our breathing. In a recent role play exercise in the BM

course, a student found out that she could not control her resentment towards the

greed displayed by the role player whom she knew was her good friend and

classmate. The practice of tonglen by breathing in all the negative emotions from

herself and breathing out compassion and kindness to the greedy disputant will be

useful to prevent herself from falling into the karmic formations of the grasping,

clinging and becoming of the 8th to 10th links. In effect, the notice of the afflictive

emotions of vedana under the 7th link will be crucial to the transformation of the

sanna to wholesome sanna by the practice of Tonglen to change karmic formations

under the 8th to 10th links from negative to positive. By being “mindful” of the

five aggregates from moment to moment, the mediator is able to intervene within

himself as soon as the unpleasant vedana (7th link) is noticed. The mediator can

immediately use the tonglen practice to change the sanna to wholesome in order to

prevent the karmic formations under the 8th to 10th links. Thus, the integration of

the theory and practice of Tonglen into the hypothesis of the BM Model will enhance

the practice of the beneficial quality of being “mindful” as a Buddhist Mediator.

10.2 Differences between the BM Model and other western

models of mediation

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From the results of the Process Research, the BM Model fits in well with

existing research on effective change process. As a conclusion to this thesis, I

would raise some outstanding questions that need to be answered to confirm that the

BM Model and the Five ARM will enhance the existing theory and practice of

conflict resolution:

1. How is the BM Model different from the other existing western models of

mediation?

2. In what way is the BM Model superior to the existing western models?

10.2.1 Western Psychology vs. Buddhist Psychology

. To answer these questions I shall first refer to the existing theories of Western

Psychology and Buddhist Psychology. The difference between the Western and

Buddhist Psychology will also highlight the difference between the BM Model and

the existing western model of mediations. Indeed, there may even be conflict in the

basic assumptions of the two Psychologies, so that there will also be conflict in the

BM Model and the existing western models of mediation.

The systematic study of the mind and its workings is contained in the esoteric

Psychology of Buddhism called ‘Abhidharma’, the classical science of the mind

refined from the teachings of Gautama Buddha in the fifth century BCE.

The basic unit of analysis in the Abhidharma model is a single moment of mind in

the succession of such moments in the stream of awareness. In this model, each

such moment is seen to be characterized by different…’flavors’ called mental

factors. Each mental factor has unique properties that determine our subjective

experience from moment to moment. In this model, what is seen as primary in

shaping experience is not the external reality—not what is cognized, not the

object of awareness—but rather the properties of that moment of mind itself

(p.92)

There are about fifty mental factors which are separated into wholesome,

unwholesome or neutral for mental health. Those various states of mind that are not

conducive to meditative states for the attainment of enlightenment are considered

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unwholesome. Many states of mind that are considered normal in Western

psychology are seen as pathological in Buddhist psychology. For example,

excitement is unwholesome when it affects the focus of the mind with uncontrolled

fantasy or frivolity. Equanimity is a wholesome state of mind as it enhances the

meditative state. By practising meditation, the states of mind are controlled and in

terms of cognitive science, meditation is simply “the sustained effort to retrain

attentional perceptual habits. The effort is to transform the process of

consciousness, not its content…(p.95).” Therefore, psychotherapy focuses on the

content of consciousness and Buddhist psychology focuses on the process of

consciousness in freeing the individual from the negative states of mind by altering

the workings of perception and cognition.

The ideal prototype in Buddhist psychology is the bodhisattva who displays the

qualities: “self-confidence without conceit or pride; determination without craving;

caution without discouragement; compassion without attachment – that is, a love that

wants nothing in return (p.97).” To practise she could not control her resentment

towards e to become such a prototype is the goal of meditation which aims to

eradicate all the unwholesome mental factors. This model of mental and emotional

health is beyond what Western psychology has even imagined possible.

Daniel Brown, a Harvard-based psychologist, highlights the difference between

Western and Buddhist psychologies (Neotic Sciences Review, 1988, p.16):

Freud once said that the most we could hope for from psychoanalysis or

psychotherapy was to replace neurotic conflict with everyday unhappiness. The

meditative traditions take up where he left off. They provide a method for

focusing on everyday unhappiness and finding a way out. The way involves

training attention so that you gain voluntary control over perceptual processes and

eventually undercut the roots of reactivity in ordinary biased perception. This

eliminates a great deal of suffering, since the bases of that suffering were in those

mechanisms and that reactivity. You thus become a master of your own mind

and experience.

Western psychology has focused on the building of a healthy ego identity as signs of

psychological maturity. It seems from Buddhist psychology that what is normal in

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the West is an arrested development. In modern psychoanalysis, instinctual libido

(Freud’s classic sexual and aggressive drives) and object libido that seeks relations,

can be transformed by meditative experiences into wisdom and compassion. There is

an emerging view from psychologists who are also trained in meditation and have

studied Abhidharma that the two psychologies are complementary to each other and

together give a more complete spectrum of human development.


The BM Model also incorporates the existing western theories of the nature of

conflict which have been based on the external observation on how conflict can be

resolved satisfactorily such as by working with the substantive, the procedural and

the psychological issues of the dispute in question. In the BM course, I teach the

students intervention based on the diagnosis of the conflict such as data conflict,

communication, structural conflict, relationship, values and conflict with substantive,

procedural and psychological interests (Moore, 1996). In the existing theory on

transformation and conflict resolution, motivation is the key to change. Motivation

contains external and internal components. In the existing western theory on

negotiation, the risk analysis of the Best, the Worst and the Probable Alternatives to a

Negotiated Agreement, will help to create doubt about the parties’ positions. From

a more internal perspective, motivation can mean the empowerment of the parties to

change and to have control of their problems. The Process Research of the three

Case Studies has demonstrated the use of all of these existing western theories by

applying them to analyse the content of the dispute and what the parties have given

us as information during the session. The hypothesis of the dispute is first analysed

using the facts of the case and the intervention by the mediator is designed and

applied as the parties give the answers to the facilitative and solution-focused

questions. These western theories and models of conflict resolution which are

research-based have been useful in informing the mediator what to say and do to the

parties and the parties are free to respond with full control of the content to the

interventions of the mediator in order to effect change in the process of mediation.

Thus, the western models of mediation focus on how to change the content of the

consciousness of the disputants.

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According to the result of the Process Research of the three Case Studies, the

contribution of the Five ARM can be seen as consistently effective in validating

emotions to bring about more positive regard in vedana, the second aggregate;

reframing of the third aggregate, sanna to wholesome sanna and creating doubt of the

obsession of the fourth aggregate, sankhara as a reframing technique within the

context of the BM Model. At each round of the episodes of reframing by the Five

ARM, a new awareness is achieved, signifying a shift from the Cause (resulting from

the second link of sankhara) to Effect Consciousness (third link) of the 12 link

process. A new picture (fourth to sixth links) arousing new vedana (seventh link)

will follow. Intervention from the mediator to reframe the sanna will take effect to

bring the parties to more wholesome sanna with the view of shifting the parties’

consciousness to avoid the unwholesome sankhara (eighth to tenth links), which will

lead them to obsession rooted from greed, hate and delusion (lobha, dosa and moha).

Thus, the BM Model offers a way to work with the disputants at the process of

consciousness by the Five ARM:

a) Rupa: assessing what the disputants have observed as objective reality

from past to present to future temporal divisions.

b) Vedana: validating and shifting their mind to more positive states of

sensation,

c) Sanna: reframing by introducing a more wholesome way of perception

and cognition of their reality,

d) Sankhara: changing their motivation which affects their behavior by

creating doubt of their obsessive demands and making them become

more reasonable in their needs and wants,

e) Vinnana: achieving a new awareness of their aggregates (eliminating

ignorance) by reversing the 12 links process and shifting from a Cause

to Effect Consciousness which has a neutral attitude for the next round

of aggregates.

The BM Model offers a way to look at the conflict from the internal processes

of the consciousness of the disputants as opposed to the content of their

consciousness as observed in the western models of mediation. The BM Model

also deals with the internal conflict of the disputants from their personal growth

perspectives. In Stage One of the BM Model, the positions or what the parties

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demand from each other represents the greed that the parties have maintained

internally. The greed of the parties has been the major cause of the conflict in the

first place. Many cases in my experience, that are not resolved by mediation, will

go to the court of law and many times it will show that the costs of litigation and the

stress will not resolve the needs of the parties in achieving their sense of fairness or

their excessive demands on each other. It is always due to the greed of the parties

for wanting to take and/or not wanting to give what the other wants that initiated

their conflict. The task of the mediator is to shift the parties’ focus from their

selfish demands on each other to mutualized concerns under the BM Model.

In Stage Two of the BM Model, the focus of the internal perspective of the

conflict of the disputants is on hate or resentment of each other. It has been

demonstrated by the results of the Process Research that the validation and

acknowledgment of each other’s feelings, thinking and needs are important at this

stage. The fourth aggregate, sankhara is the motivation or obsession that the parties

have in their psyche at any one point in time. The internal nature of the conflict

motivated by hate or resentment of the parties is the cause of the intervention in BM

Model. After positive regard of each other and acceptance of suffering by the

parties have been achieved, the third aggregate, sanna is reframed to a less selfish

stance to promote a better self-image of each other such as “I am not a bad person.”

The parties become more ready to be forgiving to each other if both of them share

their loss or grief.

In Stage Three of the BM Model, the parties are aware of their five aggregates

and therefore less ignorant than before they start the mediation. In establishing

their common goal and outcome to fit mutual needs, the parties accept that they are

not enemies and are more united than they had thought.

The unwholesome sankhara (lobha, dosa and moha), are reflected in the

mediation as the greed of the parties: what they want, their resentment to each other

and the sense that the other party is the enemy. Therefore, the mediator practising

the BM Model is aware of the unwholesome sankhara which causes the parties to

suffer.

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The potential healing aspect of mediation, as some mediators in the west have

observed, is not dissimilar to Chinese herbal medicine which is renowned for its

holistic approach. The participants become more "whole" as a result of the process.

The holistic perspective can be seen from the comments by Danaan Parry, the

recipient of the Physicians for Social Responsibility Global Peace Award, that

conflict resolution transforms itself from compromise to true mediation when it does

not only have to do with things (who gets the car, who gets the house, when can I see

the kids) but with feelings, with self-esteem, with "I'm not a bad person" The main

feeling that needs to be validated in every mediation from the coldest corporate

conflict to one between Muslims and the Christians in Pakistan, is "shared grief".

Parry comments that, "Where there is a need for mediation, there are lost

dreams, unfulfilled expectations, shattered outcomes. These are the ingredients of

shared grief." When he could get the Christians to listen to and affirm the grief of

the Muslims, and vice-versa, the first step was to identify an area of their shared grief

which required them to actually feel the loss of the other: "your people killed my

brother", "your tribe burned my village". Not until each side could honestly say, "I

hear you; I feel the depth of your loss", that they could identify the "common grief

about the useless waste of life and property and their dreams of a better life for their

children. In their grief, they could tap their common humanity." Sometimes shared

grief can simply be a statement: "I'm sorry too, that it didn't work out. I too had

hoped that we could have........"

The capability of healing is part of the spirituality of mediation. If spirituality

emphasizes the extreme of connectedness in the unity of all things, conflict

emphasizes the extreme of disconnectedness in the diversity between people.

Mediation has transformative value as the bridge between these opposites by

promoting both unity and diversity (Hart, 2000). It focuses on things that are

different and draws from them that which is common to the disputants in order to

reduce the feeling of threat from the differences and to induce a desire for agreement

that the parties are comfortable with. The sense of injury characterized by the

conflict between the disputants is therefore healed to a certain extent, leaving them

feeling more unity or whole than they did before and the mediator is very much a

conscious part of this connectedness.

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Therefore, in conclusion, like the Buddhist and Western Psychologies, the BM

Model and the western models of mediation is complementary to each other. The

BM Model has the benefit of the western theories of conflict resolution in guiding

the mediator to formulate the hypotheses of the conflict and in designing the content

of the intervention. The BM Model also builds on the theory of the universal

process of change (Egan, 2002) which I have used as an assumption in my

hypothesis of the BM Model at the outset. As a contribution to existing

knowledge on the theory of process of change in clinical practice, the BM Model

offers a “comprehensive multilevel-process model” providing a theoretical and

conceptual foundation through the reversal of the 12 links process as the

guiding principle and describing also the “systematic clinical procedures” with

the Five ARM and “mindfulness” as the basis of practice (Sexton, 2004).

This thesis has confirmed that there is embedded in all successful mediation

processes a universal process of change such as the Three Stage Model of Egan

(2002). However, this thesis has also contributed in building in addition to the

existing universal model of change, the hypothesis for the “comprehensive

multilevel-process model”, applying the guiding principles from Buddhist theories

and practices from which the micro-steps of the intervention are based. In short,

this thesis completes a gap in the existing theory of the process of change that is

lacking in existing clinical practice as Saxton and other process researchers have

observed (2004). Compared to the constructivist schools who have never

elaborated a process theory of their own, the BM Model has adopted some of the

solution-focused techniques and integrated them into the new model which is based

on the Buddhist theory of the 12 links to create a new model on the process of

change. In addition, as compared to the constructivists who have no absolute truths,

the Five ARM offers a more transformative model for reframing than what the

solution-focused therapy or in fact, any other schools of therapy or mediation models

have proposed.

By comparison to other models of mediation, the BM Model can achieve the

highest potential of mediation as being a truly transformative model to conflict

resolution by transforming the parties’ internal causes of conflict and sources of

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suffering - their greed, hate and delusion. By reversing the 12 links process, the

parties are facilitated to experience a shift in their consciousness towards a more

wholesome sanna on the true nature of existence and thereby achieving personal

growth towards liberation from suffering according to the Buddhist world view.

This is the major contribution of this thesis and highlights the difference and

possible conflict between the BM Model and the existing western models of

mediation. The success of mediation in the model of transformative mediation is

viewed to be that the parties achieve better understanding of each other and become

better people through the experience of mediation (Bush & Folger, 1994). The BM

Model has an even higher goal of transformation by achieving nirvana which is the

state of consciousness that will bring liberation from all suffering. Indeed, the

theory of the BM Model is based on the possibility of achieving full liberation from

suffering by reversing the 12 links process and applying the reframe of the sanna to

wholesome sanna. This is a state of consciousness that Western Psychology will

not even admit to be possible.

The other transformative value of the BM Model comes from the fact that the

mediators of the BM Model, unlike the western models of mediation, consciously

take up the mediator’s role as part of the healing process of reversing the 12 links to

liberate the parties from suffering. By working with the Five ARM, the parties and

the mediator learn about their respective five aggregates from moment to moment

and become less ignorant in the process. Both the parties and the mediator gain

new awareness in consciousness in handling the external and internal nature of the

conflict in a transformative direction. In this aspect, there is also the difference and

potential conflict with the other western models of mediation and therapy.

As observed in Essay 4 in the Discourse Analysis, the student who is also an

experienced family mediator, therapist and social worker, analysed a successful case

that she did before the BM course with the Five ARM and the reversing of the 12

links process. On this basis, I can assume that there is no difference between the

BM Model and other western models of mediation that are successfully executed.

However, I note from her essay her acknowledgement that the difference between the

BM Model and the western models were complementary as the BM Model would

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provide her with a deeper understanding of the internal dynamics of the conflict from

the disputant’s personal perspectives, such as his greed, hate and ignorance when

compared to the western models. She has commented that she was not trained

under the western models to apply any ethical or moral codes such as those of the

Buddhist values (in the elimination of the unwholesome roots of action) in her

clinical practice. On the other hand, I have taught students in previous BM courses

who are Catholic and Christian and they have not found any difficulty in accepting

the Buddhist values.

Indeed, the Buddhist mediators have learned that the BM Model will gain more

transformative value than the trainees of other mediation training. As observed

from the results of the Discourse Analysis of the Essays, nearly all of the students

appreciate the transformative value of the Five ARM and most of them have

demonstrated examples of applying the Five ARM in their daily lives to analyse their

external and internal conflict. As a trainer, I have taught another post-graduate

course in mediation training organized by the University of Hong Kong. The

mediators have learned to reframe with the “I” message model but not the Five ARM

and have been asked to write the same self-reflective journal as an assignment at the

end of the course. The references to the reframing model as transformative are

much fewer among this group of students than those from the BM course and most

often they would refer to the application of the reframing to the clients and not

towards themselves and hardly as a personal growth tool.

10.3 Future Research

In summary, this thesis is an attempt to build a hypothesis and theory of a new

model of conflict resolution based on the Buddhist theory of the 12 links and the

practice of Five ARM and “mindfulness” that is embedded in a universal process of

change. The Buddhist theories and practices are central to the theory and practice

of this new model of Buddhist Mediation. For future research, a way towards the

integration of science and religion will need to be explored.

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10.3.1 Integrating Science and Religion

“Some modern scholars describe Buddhism not as a religion but as a science of

mind,” the Dalai Lama said in The Harvard Mind Science Symposium on 24th March,

1991 featuring Mind Science: A Dialogue between East and West (Goleman &

Thurman, 1991, p.18). It has been said that to the radical scientific materialists who

do not accept the existence of mind on which the Buddhists based their philosophy,

Buddhism is a faith-oriented religion. To other religions, Buddhism is a kind of

atheism which does not accept the concept of a Creator God but emphasizes personal

potential and self-reliance. Since Buddhism is accepted by neither camp, it is

therefore regarded as neither a science nor religion but perhaps a bridge between the

two (p.13).

Faith in the teachings of the Buddha has to be exercised by examining and

testing out the reliability and usefulness of those teachings and not simply accepted

out of respect and reverence for the Buddha in the same way “as a goldsmith would

test the purity and quality of gold that he wished to purchase by subjecting it to

various types of examinations (p.14)”. This open mindedness shares some parallels

with the evidence-based modern scientific approach.

The historical perspective in the Western world was that art, morals and science

used to be fused and undifferentiated in theory and practice. The Church was the

ultimate authority in interpreting the Bible which was the basis for all knowledge.

Until the Renaissance revolt, at the dawn of modernity, western science became

differentiated from the disciplines of art and morals. From 17th century onwards,

the Church continues to maintain control over issues of morals and the soul, whereas

the exclusive domain of science is the material world which is measurable by the

senses (Wilber, 1998).

In the East, the Buddhist schema of Body, Mind and Spirit or its parallel in other

traditions as Heaven, Earth and Human seems to be the backbone for studying reality

- whether inner or outer. The Buddhist psychology is a science of the mind that

elaborates on inner states of the mind and mind training through meditation.

Tonglen as described above is a good example of mind training for transforming

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negative emotions and experiences. It is in effect a reprogramming of the mind.

The mind is like a computer according to the Buddhists. The hardware with the

necessary cells, parts of brain and organs are also examined in the Buddhist mind

science and a reductionist approach is used as in the aforementioned “space

particles”. The software programmes are the various methods of meditation and

ways of practising the teachings of Buddhism through language, poems, songs,

chants and other rituals – eighty-four thousand ways have been taught by the Buddha

himself. The Buddhists have multiple realities and world views that fit different

situations: for medicine, the reductionist view; for moral philosophy, a dualistic

model of mind and body and for advanced meditative practice, a unitive, mentalistic

of body/mind unity and so on. The external and internal realities are just as

important in their studies and practices. The Dalai Lama has once said that he

would like to have the western science to conduct experiments on the theories and

practices of Buddhism and would change his views and beliefs according to the

findings (Goleman & Thurman, 1991).

It seems that both from the East and the West there are different reasons and

ways for studying the body, mind and spirit. “What is valid knowledge?” has

always been the question asked by philosophers and scientists in the East and the

West. Ken Wilber, an important philosopher of our times, thinks that there are three

essential aspects of scientific inquiry – the three strands of valid knowing:

1. Instrumental Injunction. There needs to be a practice in form, an exemplar, a

paradigm, or an experiment.

2. Direct apprehension. There is an immediate experience or apprehension of data

brought forth by the injunction.

3. Communal confirmation. This is the checking of the results by others who

have adequately performed the injunctive and the apprehensive strands (1998,

p.155).

On a less scientific note, there was one amazing account told by Ram Dass.

When he was in Thailand he met a monk who could heal alcoholics in 10 days with

practically no treatment. He found out that the monk’s mind was “so centered and

one-pointed that his being was stronger than their addiction” that he was the cure.

(Dass and Gorman, 1985).

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How can we measure the effect of the monk on the addicts? What are the

appropriate approaches to future research in order to take into account the Body,

Mind and Spirit dimension of human behavior and potential? According to Wilber

(1998), just as we need to guard against dogmatism and scientific materialism, it is a

dangerous view to see science as not being the knowledge of the world but an

interpretation of it and therefore as having the same validity – no more, no less – as

poetry and the arts.

With his theory of the 4 quadrants - covering intentional, behavioral, cultural,

and social aspects of human behavior (each with its own developmental hierarchy

that corresponds to other quadrants) namely: Upper Left for interior-individual

(represented by e.g. Sigmund Freud, Guatama Buddha), Upper Right for

exterior-individual (represented by e.g. B.F. Skinner, Physics, biology, neurology

etc.), Lower Left for interior-collective (represented by e.g. Thomas Kuhn), Lower

Right for exterior-collective (represented by e.g. Systems theory, Auguste Comte) –

or simply the “Beautiful, the Good, and the True” or “I, WE, and IT” , Wilber

contends that reality seen from the eye of the flesh/Body is the basis of modern

science, reality seen from the eye of the Mind is the basis for rationalism and reality

seen from the eye of contemplation is to focus on the Spirit.

The “It” could be described as a valueless, empirical, monological, process

it-language because one can put a finger on them with one’s senses. However, it is

not possible to put a finger on the internal states of honor, love, mercy, justice,

morals, visions or compassion – the interior dimensions of the “I” and the “WE”.

The disaster of modernity is to reduce all the interior dimensions of “I” and “We” to

the exterior surfaces of the objectives “It”.

With Ken Wilber’s warning in mind, what would be the acceptable

“scientific” approach to future research in the East on the Body/Mind/Spirit

dimension of human behavior? According to Wilber, we must take an “all-level,

all-quadrant” approach to research (p.207).

This research would attempt to investigate the various phenomena in each of the

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four quadrants – subjective states, objective behavior, inter-subjective structures,

and inter-objective systems – and correlate each with the others, without trying to

reduce them to the others. The integral approach is a harmonization of the broad

sciences of all of the levels in each of the quadrants.

10.3.2 The 4 quadrants – subjective states; objective behavior;

inter-subjective structures; inter-objective systems

a. Subjective states (upper-left quadrant) – “I”

As mentioned earlier in this Chapter, “mindfulness” has been a topic of scientific

research with respect to the bodily effect and outcome of the practice of meditation.

“Mindfulness” is the basis on which the Buddhist Mediation practice is performed.

The effect of how the practice of tonglen would affect the outcome of the mediation

is also an area for future research. Future research can cover the subjective states of

the mediators in practising the tonglen and how the meditation informs the mediation

and vice versa.

The other subjective states of consciousness for which future research will be

useful in is the notion of self and the intra-psyche processes happening to the

disputants during the mediation. It is observed from the results of the Process

Research that the mediator has used the direction of reframing from intrapersonal

blaming in Stage 1 or Stage 2 towards a more wholesome direction of interpersonal

relationship. However, it is also observed that in Case 1, Session 2 , Episode 1,

the Wife was yearning for her “ideal man” and complaining about her low-self

esteem as a woman and her need to be controlled by the Husband. The reframe

from intrapersonal to interpersonal was focused on communication between the

couple. However, there was a direction towards intra-psychic exploration on her

need to know herself better as a woman. This exploration from interpersonal

relationship to intra-psychic is a possible area for future research. The subjective

states of the Wife needing to understand her self-image as a woman is a theme that

has been explored in previous research by Dr. Ago. I have adopted her

questionnaire for use for the Case Studies of this research. All the three Wives in

the three Case Studies in this research have transformative insights after answering

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the questionnaire and could identify some pattern from the conflict between their

parents that affected their current marital relationship.

Finally, the measurement of how transformative the BM Model is will depend

on future study of the subjective states of the disputants and the mediators who have

gone through training under the BM course. The areas of transformation may cover

a wide spectrum from the physical to the personal, relationship, career, social and

spiritual dimensions.

b. Objective behavior (Upper-right quadrant) and Inter-objective systems

(Lower-right quadrant) – “It”

Under this quadrant for objective behavior, the future research can take a more

mainstream scientific approach. It can be an experiment with control groups to test

the effectiveness of the application of the BM Model in a clinical setting with real

mediation cases. This type of experiment can have both qualitative and quantitative

aspects. By using a large number of case studies, the results can be more readily

generalized and accepted as valid.

Similarly, the training of BM Model can be tested for effectiveness as an

experiment with control groups such as the other mediation training course that I

conduct for the Law Society of Hong Kong. The content of the BM course and the

other training courses can be compared and analysed for specific features such as the

Five ARM, compared to the reframing by using the “I” message model.

The quadrant on inter-objective systems covers systems theory and processes

such as family therapy. As the data for the three Case Studies was collected in 2003

when there was not a detailed hypothesis of the Five ARM and the BM Model, I

adopted the data for the Process Research to see if there was a pattern emerging from

the analysis. To establish some degree of inter-rater reliability, I have asked two

mediators as peer reviewers to check the analysis. As the three Case Studies were

performed with the assumption of the universal process of change as proposed by

Egan (2002), it will be prudent to do more research on the objective behavior of the

mediator and client responses to confirm whether the Five ARM is a critical

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procedure or just an alternative way of describing the intervention-effect within each

episode in an effective mediation. The other area for objective behavior research

may come from observing how the parties respond to the explicit application of the

Five ARM as compared to the implicit application of the Five ARM.

The above experiments and process research can be done to different groups

such as a group who are Buddhist and another group of non-Buddhists and the results

compared and analysed to gain more knowledge on the effects of the BM Model and

the Five ARM.

Finally, to enhance inter-rater reliability, a more rigorous procedural protocol for

rating of the episodes and more peer reviewers from the BM course or mediators

who are sophisticated in the Buddhist teachings should review the future data

analysis for Process Research.

c. Inter-subjective structures (Left-lower quadrant) – “We”

The Discourse Analysis of the 7 Essays is an example of validation by the

inter-subjective phenomena based on the co-creation of the experience of the

students and myself as the teacher of the BM course. Inter-subjectivity can be

defined as mutual engagement and participation between independent subjects,

which conditions and creates their respective experience. This can be both

psychological and ontological (Quincey, 2000). By participating in the BM course,

the students co-created with me the common language and experience of the BM

Model and the Five ARM.

More essays from the BM course students can be analysed as the course is being

taught with the modified hypothesis from this thesis. The data analysis can be used

to validate or modify the hypothesis further in the future. For as long as the BM

course is being conducted, the students and myself will be part of the on-going

research and co-inquirers to this thesis. It will be even better if the results can be

compared with those essays written by other students who have attained a

post-graduate level in mediation training.

464

As a penultimate paragraph to the conclusions of this thesis, it will be an

interesting research to find out how the trainees of the BM course will benefit from

the practice of the BM Model as opposed to those who have only studied the theories

of the 12 links and the five aggregates without putting them in the context of the

practice of conflict resolution. I would hope that the contribution of this thesis to

the application of the classical model of the Buddhist world view as depicted in The

Wheel of Cyclic Existence in Six Sectors (Gyatso, T (Dalai Lama), 2000) (See

Illustration in the Frontispiece of this thesis) will be the start of a continuing dialogue

through a meaningful mediation process among Buddhists and non-Buddhists. This

dialogue will be another piece of research from an inter-subjective perspective.

(End of Chapter Ten)

465

APPENDIX

Diagram A: The Skilled-Helper Model (Egan, 2002)

Diagram B: Conceptual model of the sustaining engagement change event

(Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson, & Skowron, 1994)

Diagram C: Conceptual model of the transformation event (Colehan,

Friedlander & Heatherington, 1998)

Diagram D: The Chart of the Buddhist Mediation Model

Diagram E: The Results of the Process Research

Diagram F: The Results of the Discourse Analysis

466

Diagram A: The Skilled-Helper Model (Egan, 2002)

The Skilled-Helper Model

467

Diagram B: Conceptual model of the sustaining engagement change event

(Fridlander, Hatherington, Johnson, & Skowron, 1994)

Conceptual model of the sustaining engagement change event

468

Diagram C: Conceptual model of the transformation event (Colehan,

Friedlander & Heatherington, 1998)

Conceptual model of the transformation event

469

A B

i i

ii ii

iii individual suffering iii

iv obsession iv

v v

A B

i i

ii ii

iii mutual suffering iii

iv mutual concern iv

v v

Stage 2

3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Stage 1

1 2

Stage 3

11 12

A B

i i

ii blame ii

iii self image iii

iv create doubt iv

v v

A B

i i

ii shared grief ii

iii selflessness iii

iv options iv

v v

A B

i i

ii ii

iii change possible iii

iv reality check iv

v v

A B

i i

ii ii

iii new construction iii

iv action plan iv

v v

12 Links of Dependent Origin:

1. Ignorance

2. Karmic activities

3. Consciousness

4. Mind and matter

5. Six sense-doors

6. Contact

7. Sensation

8. Craving

9. Clinging

10. Becoming

11. Birth

12. Old age, death

5 Aggregates:

i. Matter, form

ii. Sensation, emotion, feeling

iii Recognition, perception

iv Karmic activity, formation

v. Consciousness

A: Party A B: Party B

Process of change

Buddhist Mediation Model

12 Links

5 Aggregates

Reversed 12 Links Diagram D: The Buddhist Mediation Model

470

DIAGRAM E Case 1 – Session 1:

Stage I

c. Reframe (mutual concern) : both acting

in the best interest of the child.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): obsession

to win argument to a process of

discussing conflict.

c. Reframe (mutual contribution): W not

speaking out needs and H not knowing

what to do.

d. Create doubt about the W’s demands as

it will lead to H not motivated to do

anything.

Stage II

c. Reframed (mutual concern): both H &

W acting for the protection of the child.

d. Create doubt about H’s perception of W

unreasonable by asking for exceptions

b. frustration to positive feeling for W.

c. Reframe (intra to interpersonal): She

understood you.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): Negotiation

on what are the needs of the child?

Stage III

b. positive feeling due to hope for future.

c. new construction of conflict as mutual

concern and interests – common

ground.

d. action plan.

Ep. 1 (joint meeting)

a. socks issue (past conflict)

b. frustration

c. blaming each other

d. both need to win argument

e. new awareness of what happened (1-2 links)

Ep. 2

a. past conflict

b. W embarrassed & H relieved after reframe

c. W not accepting H compromised too quickly

d. W&H demands for each other

e. new awareness (1-2 links)

Ep. 1 (separate meeting with H)

a. past to present conflict

b. frustrated – (validated)

c. H: W unreasonable

d. both acted in opposite way

e. new awareness (3- 10 links)

Ep. 2


b. positive regard for W

c. H recognized W was reasonable

d. Fight over trivial matters of the baby

e. new awareness (3 – 10 links)


a. past conflict to future conflict

b. guilt to positive feelings

c. recognize mutual concern for family

d. need to use ‘I’ message to communicate


471

Case 1 – Session 2:

Stage II

b. from blaming to positive regard to H

c. Reframe (normalize) : difficult to speak

out her thinking and feeling.

d. Reframe (intra to inter personal): need

to know self image as a woman and learn

to communicate with H.

b. from blaming to guilt feelings

c. Reframe (normalise): self-image as

traditional Chinese woman (empower W

as agent of change.)

d. Reframe (mutual concern): both H & W

need to express needs

b. emotional support for each other

c. Reframe (selfless): need to voice needs

without being angry.

d. Create doubt by coping question: How

to cope with struggle of anger and feeling

like a ‘bitch’ in past?

b. emotional supportive from both H & W

c. acknowledging different needs &

concerns (selfless) :safety & respect

d. Create doubt: exceptions when H could

stop W getting angry.

Stage III

b. hope for future change

c. recognition of common ground as a new

construction of the conflict

d. action plan - need to communicate in

terms of needs and not demands by using

the ‘I’ message model.

Ep. 1 (separate meeting with W)

a. W’s image of ‘ideal man’

b. frustration to feeling of ‘ah-ah’

c. low self-image as woman

d. need to be controlled by H


Ep. 2

a. past to present interaction pattern of H & W

b. W felt guilty for rejecting H

c. W’s rejection of H’s weakness and needs

d. W’s obsessive demands: ‘he should know’


Ep. 3


b. guilty to supportive

c. recognise understanding each other is the key

d. obsession of W about what she wants from H



a. example of driving to Tsinghua

b. from angry to supportive

c. blaming to understanding

d. How to stop anger of W or shorten time?

e. new awareness as options (3-10 links)

Ep. 1

a. past to future conflict – change to law

b. glad to change pattern of interaction

c. acknowledged need for security of living

d. H needed W to voice needs not demands


472

Case 2: Stage I

c. Reframe (mutual contribution) : both

created the situation.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): mutual

responsibility to find out past wrongs to

improve future communication as parents

c. Reframe (normalize): H & W different

focus for small vs. big families.

d. Reframe (normalize): H & W need to

resolve their difference in focus on small

vs. big families

Stage II

c. Reframe as mutual suffering (intra to

interpersonal): recognized words used to

hurt each other.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): need to

respect and communicate better in future

for the child.

c. Reframe (normalize and mutualize):

both could agree to disagree.

d. Reframe (normalize and neutralize):

needed to discuss rationally with W.

c. Reframe (mutual suffering): to find out

what was wrong in the past

d. Reframe (mutual concern): need to

work together as co-parents.


a. history of marriage leading to divorce

b. hurt to resentful of each other

c. blamed each other for bad marriage

d. need to be better parents


Ep. 2

a. W’s past conflict with H’s family & friends

b. hurt and angry

c. blamed each other

d. W demanded H to focus on small family


Ep. 1

a. negative communication pattern of H & W

b. hurt and angry (validated)


d. need to change for the child

e. new awareness ( 3- 10 links)

Ep. 2

a. W’s hurtful words to H

b. H hurt and hated W (validated)

c. H recognized W’s nature

d. H needed to disagree with W

e. new awareness (3 -10links)

Ep. 3

a. H & W ‘s sexual relationship

b. W was hurt and heartbroken

c. H rejected her

d. W’s past demand on H as a husband


473

Case 2 (cont.):

Stage II

c. Reframe (normalize & neutralize): H &

W had different ideas about internet.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): How can

both H & W care for the child?

c. Reframe (mutual contribution): H

married W for wrong reasons.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): How can W

respect H and trust H to care for child?

b. emotional tone softened.

c. Reframe (empower H): W cared about

what H said or did. ‘Your meaning is that

I controlled her?’

d. Reality check: if W had new boyfriend

what would H do?

b. empathy for W

c. Reframe (selflessness and mutual

contribution/ suffering): failed marriage

was due to W felt rejected by H and not

just H rejected W’s demands on him.

b. positive feelings for W

c. Reframe (selflessness): both had strong

family ties with own families and W was

traditional & no psychological space for

self and others.

d. Create doubt: need to change pattern

Ep. 3

a. H’s use of internet: inability to care for child

b. W angry and hurt (& disengaged with H)

c. W thought H did not care about family

d. W demanded H to stop playing internet

e. new awareness ( 3 – 10 links)


a. purchase of matrimonial home

b. H was sad (validated)

c. blamed W

d. concerned for W’s health & their quarrels


Ep. 6

a. new scenario if W had a boyfriend

b. H softened to help W

c. W’s hostility to H

d. H motivated to change to help W cope


Ep. 7

a. H & W’s courtship

b. H empathy to W as single parent

c. past behavior – blamed W

d. H needed to change as co-parent


Ep. 5

a. child access and same quarrel during access

b. H empathized with W for broken marriage

c. H blamed W for being abnormal

d. H wanted equal relationship with W


474

Case 2 (cont.):

Stage II

b. hope & positive emotional tone.

c. Reframe (empower H): H was brave to

let go of W to allow her to find a man

who loves her.

d. Reality check on options: coaching

options generating.

Stage III

b. H full of hope and confidence & W

became more hopeful for future.

c. Reframe as new construction of problem

and reality check: How can you

encourage him?

d. common ground and needs

Ep. 8

a. future scenario

b. H confident not repeating pattern

c. H not thinking whose right or wrong

d. How to handle W in future?



a. child access arrangement

b. W’s cautious in tone and H louder in tone

c. H admitting fault in not caring for child

d. W agreed both need to be good parents


475

Case 3: Stage I

c. Reframe (normalize, neutralise): just

married for one year and H much older

then W so that W was more idealistic and

romantic about married life.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): roles of H

& W.

c. Reframe (normalize & mutualize):

being passionate means being romantic;

d. Reframe (mutual concern): both need to

keep temperature or passion before it was

too late.

Stage II

c. Reframe (normalize): W was still young

and she was just a girl not ready to be a

wife.

d. Create doubt: would it be in H’s interest

to ‘find entertainment’ for himself to

resist the W’s demands.

b. supportive of W when challenged with

possibility of divorce

c. Create doubt: W full of conflict.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): both needed

to be respected. Need to explore options

to resolve

c. Reframe (mutual concern and

suffering): both agreed marriage was fine

except when trivial things accumulated

d. Reframe (mutual concern): both did not

want divorce.


a. history of marriage

b. uncomfortable with marital relationship


d. W expected H to be with her and H resisted

e. new awareness after reframe (1-2 links)

Ep. 2

a. interaction before and after marriage

b. W was sad & hurt; H frustrated


d. W’s obsession with her ideal; H resisted



a. married life from H’s perspective

b. H frustrated and angry with W (validated)

c. H thought W was selfish and greedy

d. H resisted W by ‘find entertainment’


Ep. 2

a. present to future when moved out together

b. H hurt and softened to support W

c. H recognized W was young

d. H did not want divorce.


Ep. 3

a. H & W’s family background

b. H & W felt hurt

c. W thought H had changed

d. W obsessed with H putting her no. 1


476

Case 3 (cont.) (2nd session):Stage II

b. W became despair about change of H

c. W would not betray H and acknowledged

positive change in herself due to the

marriage.

d. Reality check (option): If impossible to

get ideal love what would W do?

c. Reframe (empower W as agent of

change)::Marriage gave W strength.

d. Options for coping : W became less

obsessive with need of H to maintain her

ideal love.

b. H validated W for openness

c. Reframe (normalize): different styles of

living and expression and need to

improve communication

d. Reality check (option): need to change by

moving away from parents

b. positive regard and softened tone

c. Reframe (mutual concerns): trust for

each other and listen to each other’s

requests.

d. Reframe (mutual concern): how to

improve relationship in future?

c. Create doubt : Is it in her interest to

think that since she will not divorce?.

d. Reframe (option for coping): W need to

get more ‘space’ in the marriage

relationship.

Ep. 3 (separate meeting with W)

a. explored W’s story

b. W happy about herself but sad about H

c. W married H for convenience

d. W wanted ideal love after marriage


Ep. 4

a. W’s mother knew their conflict

b. strong feelings about marriage (validated)

c. W recognized options

d. W did not want to give child to H

e. new awareness of her options (3-10 links)

Ep. 6 (joint session)

a. past to present conflict of cooking breakfast

b. H & W frustrated; more positive after

reframe

c. H rejected by W who was over sensitive

d. H wanted to please W by cooking breakfast


Ep. 7

a. present conflict in thinking and feeling

b. softened after reframe

c. H trust in W and W loyal to H

d. H wanted W to talk to her mother.


Ep. 5

a. W’s recall of past incident of H’s secrecy

b. vulnerable (validated)

c. W thought she love someone else..

d. W wanted H to move out with her.


477

Case 3 (cont.): Stage II

b. W emotional outburst after reframe

c. Reframe (selfless and new perspective):

H refused to believe because H was

protective of his family.

d. Reframe (inter to intrapersonal): W

had not been with family for long.

b. emotional outburst and release

c. Reframe (intra to interpersonal):

jealously between W and sister-in-law as

women in a family.

d. Reframe (intra to interpersonal): W

was a new wife to H’s family system.

b. emotional despair out of love for H

c. Reframe (intra to interpersonal): W

needed action from H to show love.

d. Reframe : W hope H is her husband and

not a referee.

b. softened : when H & W imagined

problem was solved

c. Reframe : what are their goals?

d. Reframe (option) : W wanted H to show

sister-in-law W was most important?

c. Reframe (intra to interpersonal):

problem was trust and support between H

& W.

d. Reframe: How could they support each

other in their relationship?

Ep. 8

a. past conflict about sister-in-law

b. W hurt, angry and sad; H frustrated

c. W thought H did not believe her

d. W wanted him to believe but H refused


Ep. 9

a. past conflict of behavior

b. W crying & hysterical; H angry and

shouting


d. W wanted H to be on her side but H refused


Ep. 11

a. W’s present to preferred scenario

b. W despair

c. W thought H did not love her

d. W wanted H to support her no matter what


Ep. 12

a. H’s past to present scenario

b. H & W softened

c. H accepted W’s need for his support

d. H wanted W to drop issue of sister-in-law

e. new awareness with new picture(3 – 10

links)

Ep. 10

a. background of sister-in-law

b. W still upset and H still angry (validated)

c. H did not think sister-in-law was bad

d. H wanted to avoid contact with brother


478

Case 3 (cont.): Stage II

b. H softened after learning W’s need.

c. Reframe (selfless): H need to keep

marriage to keep relationship with his

parents.

d. Create doubt: W changed for better

because H treated her better

b. W was expressing her feelings when H

listened and softened.

c. Change: H agreed with her and knew her

better.

d. Reality check : W wanted to be an

insider.

b. positive and hopeful about future.

c. new construction & common ground:

H & W could love each other without fear

of losing extended family.

d. action plan: what to do with

sister-in-law.

Stage III


a. coach negotiation between H & W

b. H anxious of W’s future behavior

c. H thought he might sever family relationship

d. H wanted to resist W to protect own family

e. new awareness with new picture( 3- 10

links)

Ep. 1 (joint session)

a. H & W negotiated for future

b. W felt strong emotions and H softened

c. acknowledged each other

d. agreed action to show love


Ep. 2

a. H & W exploring future options

b. W felt guilty when H admitted his fault

c. W thought H actually believed her

d. H wanted to make W happy in marriage


479

DIAGRAM F - Research Question 1: How do the students ‘see’ the BM Model and

Five ARM?

b. 12 links

1. no mention

2. no mention

3. detail correlation of 12 links process and five

aggregates – to provide insight for intervention in

mediation and transformation at the levels of 3rd and

4th aggregates which are perceptions and obsessions.

4. use 12 links to explain how conflict arises

5. show basic understanding of 12 links that everything

is conditional.

6. no mention

7. as process with 3 temporal divisions

a. five aggregates

1. application of five aggregates as part of BM course

2. tool for Buddhist Mediators

3. as totality of Body and Mind

4. as ‘self’ and ‘ego’& root of conflict

5. for understanding the BM model

6. key concepts in BM for seeing reality and resolving

conflict

7. useful application of the actual aggregates in an

example of role play exercise.

c. skills and applications of Five ARM & BM Model

1. rapport building, mindful listening, observing and

assessing five aggregates

2. no mention

3. no knowing compared to mindfulness, deconstruction

of self brings detachment

4. deconstruction of “concocted self”, reframing of

sanna as recognition of impermanence, suffering and

selflessness

5. stop craving, reframe sanna and attaining wisdom

(panna).

6. no mention

7. no mention

Hypothesis 1:

- All the students know

what the five aggregates

are from the BM course.

- Although the role play

exercise used in the class

was well understood, the

students were not able to

generalize the application

of analysis by the five

aggregates to real life

situations. More exercises

on analysis of the five

aggregates are needed in

class.

- The 12 links and the

connection with the five

aggregates were not made

clear to the students.

Therefore, the BM course

needs to put in more

theory about the

connection.

- The skills and application

of Five ARM and BM

Model were not made

clear in the BM class as

they only have described

limited experience of

seeing how the skills

work even in theory.

480

Research Question 2: What do the students ‘do’ in relation to the Five ARM and the

BM Model?


1. In Role play 1: Stage 1 was conducted by

successful use of analysis by Five ARM at the

suggestion of the coach to move impasse.

2. In Role play 2: Coach helped to reframe the sanna

and sankhara (being motivation as ‘family bond’)

and establish the common ground after discussing

the five aggregates of the parties at Stage 1.

3. In Role play 3: Coach was not able to help in

reframing with Five ARM in the role play.

However, student/mediator was able to reframe in

her essay

4. (did reframing exercise and roleplays)

5. did home assignment and live reframing.

6. described role play to demonstrate skills.

7. (did reframing exercise and roleplays)

b. Process of BM Model

1. In Role play 1, Stage 1, parties agreed to mutual

concerns. Stage 2 was conducted by separate

meetings where the obsessions of parties were

challenged and options generated. Stage 3

concluded with innovative terms of settlement to

fit parties’ needs.

2. In Role play 2, 3 stages were demonstrated

successfully,

3. In Role play 3, Stage 1 was not successful due to

ineffective intervention of reframing by Five

ARM. Even after setting the agenda, Stage 1

could not be completed.

4. Successful live case with 12 links to the

pre-mediation sessions described but the theory

was only briefly applied to the self-images and

expectations of the parties.

5. no mention.

6. no mention.

7. Role play exercise successfully described by the 3

stages of the BM Model.

Hypothesis 2:

- The reframing by the Five

ARM was not internalized

by the students and must be

emphasized throughout the

role play coaching.

- Without using reframing by

the Five ARM, role plays

will not pass Stage 1 and

will be difficult to coach.

- The Five ARM does

provide a good basis for

guiding the mediator in the

direction of reframing and

hypothesizing.

- 3 Stages of the BM Model:

Stage 1 (past) – find out the

obsessions (sankhara or

reversing 1-2 links) and

reframe by Five ARM to

wholesome sanna as mutual

concerns;

Stage 2 (present) – create

doubt about the obsessions

(8-10 links) and new

perspectives as new mental

pictures (reversing 3-7

links);

Stage 3 (future) – solution

or action plan (reversing

11-12 links).

481

Research Question 3: How was the student influenced by the BM Model and the Five

ARM?

b. application of BM Model or Five ARM

1. By using the mediation process in live

situation, student found that analysis of the

five aggregates at the discovery stage was

most useful when parties’ realities could be

checked and neutralized.

2. no mention

3. By using the new skill of listening

non-judgmentally, past conflict in the office

could have been resolved differently.

4. helpful to job as counselor.

5. As a student he found skillful reframing as an

art and also as a mindful expression of our

feelings and thoughts to avoid future conflict.

6. As a retired government official who used

different style of conflict resolution, he found

that reframing can best be used by following

the Five Aggregates.

7. As a business man, he has applied Five ARM

in daily and business situation.


1. no mention.

2. mindfulness and transform people, gain

wisdom in pursuing the middle path.

3. has self-awareness of not being mindful in role

play exercise and was not able to reframe with

Five ARM to bring out needs.

4. must be mindful and attend to dynamics in

process

5. self-control and mindful, non-attachment to

parties’ problems

6. be neutral, impartial, honest, mindful and

understanding, help resolve conflicts to

reinforce Buddhist values.

7. Five ARM as a personal growth tool and

mindfulness quality of a peacemaker.

Hypothesis 3: - Students refer mostly to the Five

ARM as a personal growth tool

but not the BM Model. The

inference is that the theory of

the BM Model is not clear to the

students. Separating ‘feeling’,

‘thoughts’ and ‘needs’ is a

transformative value of the Five

ARM to the students.

- ‘Mindfulness’ accepted by all

students as a transformative

value is not clearly defined or

described. More experiential

exercises in practicing

mindfulness should be

structured in future BM course.

- The aspects of transformation in

working with the unwholesome

roots of action (greed, hate,

delusion) are not mentioned

exception for a few students.

The BM Model needs to deal

with the internal causes of

conflict to complement the

existing theory on external

causes in conflict resolution and

mediation.

482

To validate or modify Hypothesis 1, 2 & 3, a student’s essay from a previous BM course is used. Hypothesis 1 – On theory building of Five ARM and BM Model - validated by Essay citing theories from literature on Buddhist theories for conflict resolution on

the Four Noble Truths basing on the following texts: (i) Mindful Mediation by Dr. John McConnell – applied Buddhist Psychology to mediation,

and (ii) Positive Psychology of Buddhism and Yoga by Dr. Marvin Levine – applied Four Noble

Truths for problem solving through self-transformation. Conclusion: The basic Buddhist theories of conflict resolution are embedded in the existing literature including the correlation between the five aggregates and the 12 links. Hypothesis 1 is still valid. Although the Five ARM as a reframing model has been generally accepted, the theoretical framework of the BM Model has to be confirmed by Results of the Process Research in this thesis. The theory building of BM Model will contribute to multilevel-process of change and the theory of Five ARM to the micro-skills of intervention-effect in mediation for future testing on effectiveness. Hypothesis 2 – On practice of the Five ARM and BM Model - Practice of Five ARM is validated in the Essay by the example chart between Elements of

Dependent Origination, the Corresponding aggregates and the Hostel Manager’s delusion as adapted from Matheiu Boisvert, 1995.

- Practice of BM Model is validated by the example of mediation between Miss Snobby and Miss Sloppy:

Stage 1: interpretation of parties about the conflict and how they are affected – mutual concern Stage 2: understand and convey feelings and apologies – softening of emotions Stage 3: options for solutions – options generation Conclusion: This is a much simplified version of the 3 Stages under the BM Model which Hypothesis 2 and Results of Process Research of this thesis have confirmed: - Stage1 (past conflict) (reversing 1-2 links): Reframe the 3rd and 4th Aggregate from individual

suffering to mutual suffering and contribution; intrapersonal blaming to interpersonal relationship; obsessions to mutual concerns (dealt with greed).

- Stage 2 (present conflict) (reversing 3- 7links): Reframe the 2nd, 3rd and 4th Aggregates from old to new perspective of conflict; blaming to softening; and create doubt on positions to acknowledge options (dealt with hate).

- Stage 3 (future) (reversing 11 -12 links): Reframe the 3rd and 4th Aggregates from old to new construction of the problem; establish common ground and action plan for the future. (dealt with delusion).

Hypothesis 3 – On Transformation - the Essay validated ‘mindfulness’ in transforming selfish wants to mutual needs and gain. Conclusion: Hypothesis 3 confirms other than mindfulness, that Five ARM has transformative value in separating feeling, thinking and needs. When the Five ARM is fitted into the BM Model, the direction of reframing has transformative value in deconstructing the self.

CONCLUSIONS:- (1) Theory Building of Five ARM and BM Model to improve on existing theory of

conflict resolution (2) Introduce Practice of Five ARM which has transformative value in deconstructing

self to improve on constructivist’s reframing.

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