Mediating with Stepfamilies Understanding Their Uniqueness...Relationship between child’s birth...
Transcript of Mediating with Stepfamilies Understanding Their Uniqueness...Relationship between child’s birth...
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Mediating with Stepfamilies
Understanding Their Uniqueness
Dianne Martin Dianne Martin & Associates
www.DianneMartinAndAssociates.com
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Welcome
&
Introductions
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Agenda
Myths, Expectat ions, Percept ions
S tepfami ly Developmenta l Cyc le
Structura l & Funct iona l D i f ferences
Tips, Tools , Techniques
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Myths, unrealistic expectations, perceptions and
Bias influence the developmental cycle of stepfamilies - lets take a look at
Some of these
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Shocking Statistics
No clear understanding of the actual stats
50% of remarried families five years
Divorced stepfamilies often remarry after three years
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Research Younger
Older children
Adolescence
Relationship between child’s birth parents
Loyalty conflicts
****Practitioners report being challenged with the
complexity in working with stepfamilies***
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Identity Crisis
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Myths & Expectation
Wicked Stepmom - Neglectful Dad
Instant love
One big happy family
Biological parent is deceased or absent
She/He will love my kids as much as I do
I will treat the kids all the same
Stepparent should begin to discipline immediately
Part-time stepparenting is easier
Kids will never come between us
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Is There a Cinderella?
Yes!
But not all stepkids are Cinderella’s or
Cinderfella’s
Cinderella Effect
Vulnerabilities
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Family Life Cycle
Typical first family transitions are understood and supported by
extended family and community
Leaving - loving - laboring - launching - later life
In contrast:
Stepfamilies formation and development is so much more
complicated and confusing - seldom understood by extended family
and the community
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Apples
Oranges
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The Process to Becoming An
Integrated Stepfamily takes
between 2 - 7 years
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Stepfamily Development
Cycle
The Early Years
The Middle Years
The Later Years
The Learning Curve
Unconscious Incompetence
Conscious Incompetence
Conscious Competence
Unconscious Competence
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Transformative Journey
A process: re-evaluate past beliefs &
experiences
Changes: our perceptions (about families)
Experience: deep, powerful emotions
Requires: action and skills
Involves: rational analytical thought about
fundamental beliefs and values
Forces - critical explorations of values, meanings and
purpose in order to understand new experiences
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Stepfamily Developmental Cycle
The Middle Years
Mobilization
Action
The Later Years
Contact
Resolution Stages
The Early Years
Fantasy
Immersion
Awareness
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Stepfamilies
Transitions include:
Structural - clarify membership
Functional - roles and responsibilities
Organizational – who does what when
Developmental - some move faster then others
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What influences the stepfamily
journey?
Lets do a bit of brainstorming
You have 10 minutes to list factors that influence
the stepfamily journey
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Unmet Expectations
Myths and beliefs evolve into expectations, which in turn
influence our behaviours.
Expectations based on myths are often unrealistic.
When an individual’s expectations are not met, the person
may become
Confused ~ Angry ~ Resentful
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Challenging Dynamics
Interdependency between birth parents
Less control over family events
Planning & decisions must consider the child’s non-
custodial
Requires time-consuming discussions & negotiations
Family membership may be continually in flux
Revolving Door
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Child Power
First Families
Couples remain together because of the children
Stepfamilies
Couples often separate because of the children
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Changing the Status Quo!
Parent is protective of their
child
However the adult couple
relationship must be the
priority if the family is to
survive and grow
It is not about love, but about
how the stepparents must
build a strong, and united
parental team to guide their
family
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Differences
Mature, stable stepfamilies have:
•Looser family boundaries
•Less cohesiveness then traditional families
Which are often seen as dysfunctional family traits by
family therapists and counsellors
Are in fact a hallmark of successful stepfamilies
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Multiple Parents – One Child
Children in stepfamilies are subject to multiple parental
influences
= become confused
= conflicted about how they fit into each family
= which parent is responsible for discipline
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Challenges
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Therapeutic Contrasts
Family Systems
1. Boundaries closed
2. Problem behaviors due to
family dysfunction
3. Clint is the family
4. Work with entire family
5. Tight family cohesiveness
6. Birth order - no change
7. Born out of love
Stepfamily Systems
1. Boundaries open & permeable
2. Problem behaviors due to
stepfamily dynamics
3. Client is the family sub-systems
4. Work with sub-systems
5. Loose family cohesiveness
6. Birth order - changes
7. Born out of loss
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Therapeutic Tasks
Comprehensive intake assessment
Identify appropriate role for stepparent
Strengthen couple relationship
Identify and highlight family and couple strengths
Normalize stress and frustration
Identify developmental issues/tasks - explore options
Address loyalty conflicts
Foster activities to build a sense of family unity
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From Intake to Integration:
Instill hope and encouragement
Validate feelings
Normalize stress and challenges
Use a genogram
Educate parent and stepparent
Be mindful of own biases
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Exploring Expectations
Vision for family
Expectations for family life
New step relationships?
Expectations reasonalbe and achievable
What is stepparents experience with children
Expectations of children realistic and age appropriate
Parental roles and responsibilities
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Role & Responsibilities
Parent
Stepparent
Couple
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Merging: Two Perspectives
Honeymoon & Happiness Grief & Loss
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Grief & Loss
Children experience the loss of
Status - parental child
Parental time
Parents will not reunite
Birth order and role displacement
Many tangible and ambiguous losses
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Complicated Family Network
First Family - Mom & Dad
Second Family –Single Mom
Third Family – Single Dad
Fourth family – Mom and Stepdad
Fifth family – Dad and Stepmom
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Extensive Stepfamily
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Confused Children
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Some children come
for visits
Others leave for visits
Revolving Door
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Sexuality & Intimacy
Heightened sexual aura
Shield children especially teens -- emerging sexual identify
(First families the heat has dissipated by the teenage years)
Simple affection
Ensure couple needs for intimacy & sexuality are met
Private, couple time
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Family Sexuality
Clarify values and beliefs:
Adult & child nudity
Hugging, kissing
Bathing
Closed Doors
Dress
Playful touching
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Tips – Tools - Techniques
Focus on & strengthen the couple relationship
Do not create therapeutic crisis
Provide information
Explore structure and roles of family
Clarify & strengthen the stepparent’s role
Explore children losses: concrete and ambiguous with
Technique is active, directive, educational and well thought out (home work)
Meet with sub-groups, typically begin with the couple
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Our Stepfamily Techniques for creating a sense of family unity
Family meeting or Family Fun Nights
Encourage story telling
Identify shared interests
Create family albums or videos
Take family vacations
Encourage “getting to know you” activities & board games
Be interested and approachable
Discuss & merge old & new family traditions and rituals
Over time a shared family history develops as the family
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Successful Stepfamily Have successfully negotiated mutually
acceptable:
Life management skills
Roles & Responsibilities
Money management & budgets & Inheritance
Parenting and child management technique
Strong and united Parental Executive
Family rules
Equality for all children - even visiting kids
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Wrapping it up
Quiz - review answers
Quick Review
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Summary
The stepfamily journey is a multi-layered, extremely complicated and challenging.
Stepfamilies need to know that the professional family service communities are informed, sensitive and nonjudgemental
AND have the tools to help them navigate this journey.
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