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- 1 -

Personal Assertiveness

Course Handbook

http://www.can-do.courses.co.uk/

- 2 - © Hilary Nunns www.can-do.courses.co.uk 01737 321179

Welcome Assertiveness is an everyday skill which many people feel they may lack. Different life experiences will influence this, and it’s not uncommon for a person to behave assertively in one area of their life but not in another. For example, it may be that ‘at home’ you are dominant person, whereas possibly at work you do not feel the same way. To simplify assertive skills and to take account of individual scenarios, the programme has been designed into sections. Section 1 – What does Assertiveness mean? Section 2 – Using the Fact, Sympathy, Suggestion technique Section 3 – Believe It! You’ll find the webinars on the designated link. They link to the course materials and will give you guidance for your own completion of the tasks in the sections. We’ve found that it is beneficial to take some time to read through each section prior to viewing the relevant webinar, as this helps to embed the learning points. Following completion of each section, you can check your responses in the Answer Book.



Section 1 What does Assertiveness mean? Things to do

Watch the webinar for Section 1

Read through pages 4 to 7 of this Handbook

Complete task 1 – check your answers on page 2 of the Answerbook

Complete task 2



Passive Behaviour Verbal Characteristics Non-verbal characteristics

Few statements about self

Apologetic statements

Approval-seeking language

Constant explanations of behaviour

Hedging around the subject

Self-disciplinary statements

Gestures: Nervous movements Stepping away Clasped hands Hunched shoulders Hands to face Face: Weak smiles when accepting

criticism or expressing anger Facial expression changing often Voice and speech: Quiet tones Softly spoken Hesitant Frequent pausing Uneven pace Throat clearing Eyes: Looking away Avoiding direct contact

Aggressive Behaviour

Verbal Characteristics Non-verbal characteristics

Heavy emphasis on “I”, “me”, “my” and “mine”

Views or opinions expressed as fact

Threatening statements and requests

Negative comparisons

Strongly expressed advice

Gestures:

Wagging/point finger Thumping fist Impatient movements Sitting up, leaning forward Hands on hips

Face: Set jaw, jutting chin Raised eyebrows Scowls Sarcastic smile

Voice and speech: Firm but cold tone



Sarcasm

Shifting the blame

Prone to shouting Fast and fluent Emphasis on self words and

blaming words Eyes:

Direct and staring

Assertive Behaviour

Verbal Characteristics Non-verbal characteristics

Precise statements

Expressing views as views, not as facts

Suggestions not containing weighted advice

“I” statements indicating that the person is speaking for themselves

Constructive criticism

Problem-solving phrases

Gestures: Calm expressive hand gestures Sitting or standing upright and

relaxed Face: In tune with feelings Frowns to express anger Smiles to express pleasure Voice and speech: Steady and firm Warm tones Evenly pitched Clear pronunciation Fluent speech Expressive Emphasising key points Eyes: Steady but not dominant



6 signs you’re being manipulated:

On the website www.businessdictionary.com the definition of manipulative behaviour is: ‘behaviour which attempts to control or play upon others’ hopes or fears to attain selfish ends while disregarding their aspirations or well being’.

Young children can learn very early how to ‘get their own way’ by manipulating a situation. For example, by crying, throwing tantrums, stamping feet, yelling, sulking. We accept this as part of understanding boundaries and learning about right and wrong.

As adults we can also be inclined towards this behaviour in (possibly) more subtle ways to get our own way without using assertiveness skills.

Here are some outward signs of manipulative behaviour:

Jokey put-downs Making people feel guilty Gossiping Being two-faced Moodiness Being inconsistent

Recognise anyone you know? Your assertiveness and enquiring responses will soon squash the Manipulator into more honest behaviour.


http://www.businessdictionary.com/


Task 1

Using the list of behaviours on the document “Section 1 Task 1”, match them into the four categories.

1. Four behaviours: Assertive,

Manipulative, Aggressive and Passive

2. Draw a line from the ‘behaviour’ into the section which you believe it belongs in

3. Review

4. Check your answers from page 2 of the

Answerbook



Task 2

Assertiveness Profile

On the following pages you will complete an Assertiveness Profile Questionnaire. Before starting, please read take a minute to read through the instructions on how to approach the questionnaire.

Avoid lengthy thought processes for your answers – it is designed as a ‘psychometric’ test which means that you should use your initial response to reply ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

Decide beforehand which area of your life you will take into consideration when answering the questions ie work, personal, social.

All ‘Yes’ answers will be used to create a final score.

After completion, on page 15 use the scoring grid to circle the number relating to each question to which you’ve answered ‘yes’.



Assertiveness Profile This questionnaire is designed to highlight your preferred pattern of behaviour when interacting with others. It is based on the assumption that our behaviour is an outward demonstration of the level of our belief in ourselves and whether we believe that we are more than, equal to or less than others. Fill in the questionnaire as spontaneously and honestly as you can. It should take no more than 10-15 minutes of your time. The more honest you are with yourself the more significant will be your results. Answer all statements ticking YES if it is true of you, or NO if it is untrue of you. When you have completed the questionnaire, turn to the scoring chart at the end of the exercise. Questions Answer

1. I have a tendency to think others are better than I am.

2. I am often suspicious of others’ motives.

3. I usually rely on others to make decisions for me.

4. I often feel angry towards others.

5. I have a tendency to let others take responsibility for me.

6. I generally have a sense of well-being.

7. I often have difficulty in getting close to people.

8. I have a tendency to mistrust other people.

9. I have a tendency to keep myself to myself.

10. I prefer others to take the lead and for me to follow.

11. I usually express my feelings openly towards others.

12. I often assume I won’t get what I want.

13. I often think others are after something when they thank me.

14. I often feel miserable.

15. When I ask for what I want I generally give people no choice.

16. I usually tell people rather than ask them to do things.

17. I have a tendency to blame others when things go wrong.

18. I seek others’ views when making decisions which affect them.

19. I have a tendency to put myself down.

20. When asked, I often don’t know what I want.

21. I am usually cautious about what I say to others about myself.



Questions Answer

22. I usually listen to and take account of others’ views.

23. I generally enjoy getting on with my work.

24. I usually deal with conflict situations directly.

25. I rarely say “No” when asked to do something.

26. I have a tendency to be sarcastic.

27. I usually have difficulty in delegating to others.

28. I generally have creative solutions to problems.

29. When I refuse a request I usually feel guilty.

31. I generally avoid taking on responsibility.

32. I have a tendency to see others as more important than I am.

33. I am generally quick to feel criticised.

34. I often think I am the only one who can do the job correctly.

35. I generally deal with conflict situations indirectly.

36. I enjoy discussing ideas with people.

37. I rarely give praise to others.

38. I usually find it difficult to sort out my problems.

39. I rarely receive feedback about my behaviour.

40. I regularly appreciate others for what they have done.

41. I am often acknowledged by others for what I do.

42. I have a tendency to be inconsistent about what I tell people.

43. I am generally quick to criticise others.

44. I am often easily hurt by others.

45. I usually let others make decisions for me.

46. I am often hostile towards people.

47. I am often short tempered with people.

48. I usually enjoy getting involved with and committed to tasks.

49. I generally take account of others’ needs and wants.

50. I have a tendency to avoid eye contact.

51. I often feel resentful towards others.

52. I rarely ask for what I want.

53. I usually assume that I won’t get what I want.

54. I have a tendency to feel lonely.



Questions Answer

55. I often feel that others have let me down.

56. I usually ask questions in order to gather information.

58. I try not to offend people.

59. I often fantasise about ways of getting my own back on others.

60. I usually tell people what I think.

61. I generally say sorry when I have made a mistake.

62. I readily accept that people will say “No” to me sometimes.

63. I have a tendency to jump to and draw conclusions.

64. I rarely tell others what I really think or feel.

65. I usually go along with what other people want.

66. I usually feel inferior to others.

67. I am frequently demotivated in my work.

68. I am often despondent about things in general.

69. I have a tendency to dismiss others’ wants and needs.

70. I usually respect other people irrespective of their views.

71. I readily take on responsibility.

72. I am quick to put other peoples’ ideas down.

73. I am usually anxious about upsetting other people.

74. I regularly seek feedback from other people.

75. I am usually keen to spot the flaws in others’ arguments.

76. I often have negative thoughts about myself and others.

77. I usually feel equal to others.

78. I often expect that people will dislike me.

79. I have a tendency to be put upon by others.

80. I usually assume that others will not get on with me.



Scoring Chart On this score sheet circle all those statements to which you have responded ‘Yes’. Ignore the ‘No’s. Add up the number of circles in each column.

Passive

Passive/

Aggressive

Aggressive

Assertive

1 3 5

10 19 20 25 29 30 32 44 45 52 53 58 65 66 73 78 79

2 7 8

13 14 21 26 31 35 38 42 46 50 54 59 64 67 68 76 80

4 9

12 15 16 17 27 33 34 37 39 43 47 51 55 60 63 69 72 75

6

11 18 22 23 24 28 36 40 41 48 49 56 57 61 62 70 71 74 77

Score 13-20 suggests that this is how you usually think and feel about yourself and others, and behave towards them. Score 7-13 suggests that this is how you quite often think and feel about yourself and others and behave towards them. Score 0-6 suggests that this is how you rarely think and feel about yourself and others, and behave towards them.



These numbers represent the question number, which are circled for a ‘yes’ response. The totals in each column then build up a profile.



Section 2 Using the Fact, Sympathy, Suggestion technique Things to do

Watch the webinar for Section 2

Read through the notes on pages 15 and 16

Do the exercises on pages 17 and 18 of the Handbook

Check your answers/responses against those given in the Answerbook on pages 3 - 6



The dos and don’ts of assertive behaviour

Some of the most common situations which require assertive behaviour are:

Making a request

Saying “No”

Disagreeing/stating your views Here are some ideas which may help you. Making a request Do:

Be direct and to the point

Give a reason for the request

Respect the other person’s right to say no

Don’t

Apologise Justify yourself Sell the request with flattery Take advantage of people’s good nature Take refusal personally

Saying No Do:

Keep the reply brief and avoid rambling

Give a reason

Be honest about limitations/possibilities

Ask for more time to consider the request

Acknowledge the requester Don’t

Keep apologising Feel guilty for saying no Invent excuses



Disagreeing/stating your views Do:

State your disagreement clearly

Express doubts in a constructive way (not - “That won’t work” try – “Let’s see what other options there are”)

Use “I” statements to distinguish your opinion

Give reasons for your disagreement

Recognise other people’s point of view

Be open-minded and willing to listen Don’t

Be angry or patronising Be sarcastic Sulk if others disagree!



Assertiveness exercise Exercise 1 Read the following situation, then identify which type of behaviour is being used in the responses shown below: Your line manager calls you in to tell you that your request regarding a pay rise has been turned down. Response A: “This is ridiculous, if I don’t get this, I’ll resign” Type of behaviour: …………………………………….. Response B: “Just give me one good reason why they’ve refused” Type of behaviour: ……………………………………………………. Response C: “Oh dear, I was afraid this would happen – don’t worry, may be it will happen next year.” Type of behaviour: ……………………………………………………. Response D: “I’m very disappointed to hear this, can you tell me the reason why this has been turned down?” Type of behaviour: ……………………………………………………. Response E: “Never mind – better luck next time perhaps.” Type of behaviour: ……………………………………………………. Response F: “Exactly why am I expected to take on extra responsibilities without being suitably rewarded for it?” Type of behaviour: …………………………………………………….



Assertiveness exercise Exercise 2 Look at the following statements, then consider how you could behave assertively in response to each situation, and write your answer in the space provided.

a) You notice that students/staff/son/friend are wearing T-shirts with unacceptable/offensive slogans which are inappropriate in whatever scenario.

You say:

b) A client has made an unexpected request for an unrealistic amount of work in an impossible deadline.

You say:

c) Your line manager makes an unexpected criticism of your work in front of several colleagues, complaining that you keep getting a certain task wrong. You have not been told this previously, you assumed you were doing the right thing.

You say:



Section 3 Believe It!

Things to do

Watch the Webinar

Read through the notes on pages 20 and 21

Work through the Language Exercise on page 22

Cut out and keep the positive reminders on pages 23 and 24

Create your own Action Plan on page 26



Believe It!

What you believe has a major impact on your behaviour, and your assertiveness.

Here are some examples of unassertive beliefs:

"If someone refuses a request, it means they don't like me"

"They won't want to do that, so I won't ask"

"My needs are not as important as other peoples"

"I have no right to ask"

"I'd rather give in and avoid the conflict"

"If I ask, they'll think I'm being rude or bossy"

Here are some examples of aggressive beliefs:

"People should always do what I ask"

"A refusal is an attack on me personally"

"My needs are more important than others'"

What negative beliefs inhibit your assertiveness:



Here are some examples of positive beliefs:

"We may be at different levels in the organisation, but as people we both have rights and a right to our beliefs"

"If we both express our views, we can then explore ways of both getting what we want"

"I'll listen to what you have to say, and I'll expect you to listen to what I have to say"

What positive beliefs do you need to develop to become more assertive'



Language exercise Reframing a negative into a positive

Task – Add one of your negative statements to the column and re-frame it

Negative Statement Positive Statement I tried it once and it did not work

At least I am one step nearer to finding a way of doing it. What shall I try this time?

They can do it better than me

If they can do it, so can I.

I will never be able to do that

It’s just a matter of finding the best way for me.


23 © Hilary Nunns www.can-do.courses.co.uk 01737 321179

Cut these out. Keep one in your purse or wallet, stick one on the fridge, stick another to the mirror, use one as a book mark.

TOP TIPS for sticking with it DO keep trying even when it’s tough. DO try again even if you make a mistake. DO keep your temper and stay calm. DO stick with it, don’t give up. DO SMILE.






TOP TIPS for assertive thoughts and behaviour DO speak in a friendly way and never hurt with your words. DO listen to other people and allow them to have their own opinion. DO see that everyone is different. DO learn from others. DO wait your turn.

DO SMILE.

TOP TIPS for assertive thoughts and behaviour DO speak in a friendly way and never hurt with your words. DO listen to other people and allow them to have their own opinion. DO see that everyone is different. DO learn from others. DO wait your turn. DO SMILE.

TOP TIPS for assertive thoughts and behaviour DO speak in a friendly way and never hurt with your words. DO listen to other people and allow them to have their own opinion. DO see that everyone is different. DO learn from others. DO wait your turn. DO SMILE.



A Final Thought



ACTION PLAN Don’t let a good idea get away! Research shows that, if you use an idea within 24 hours of hearing it, you are more likely to integrate if permanently. Keep it where you cannot miss it so that you will put your action plan into action!

What I am going to STOP doing

What I am going to CONTINUE doing

What I am going to CHANGE

Who I am going to SHARE this with



Congratulations

You’ve completed the Home Study programme. Your next task will be to implement the ideas you’ve gained from the programme. Putting aside previous failures and planning for tricky situations will be the only way to move forward. When you receive your first success it will help your confidence to improve and bring about the ability to embed assertiveness skills into many scenarios. Other training programmes can be accessed at www.can-do-courses.co.uk


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