THE UNFORGIVABLE

Matrix Reimprinting for Forgiveness

What we’ll cover: - the situation• Definitions of forgiveness• Condemnation – last stand or first defence?

• Small t trauma• Big T Trauma• UDIN

• Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda – demands on the self• Impotence, guilt and shame• Perfectionism• Anger

• Healthy/unhealthy

What we’ll cover: - working with clients• Which clients?• Where to start

• Practitioner compassion • What the client needs first – resource• Good practice

• Hitting a brick (or avoiding one)• Client blocks• Penny’s wishlist – self-esteem practice• Three chairs – compassion as mediator• Involving belief systems in the matrix – compassion of mediator

What we’ll cover: - questionsI have tried to answer as many questions as possible, which were put to me in the two days before this presentation, which now has 26 slides.

Any I feel may not be overtly covered (mostly in the ‘background’ section), are on the final slide to be addressed there.

If you feel your question was not answered – hang on to your hat, and we’ll see if there’s any time to answer them live at the end, or else continue in Sharon King’s FB group.

Who am I?The prettier version:

• Published author (Amazon bestseller)• EFT trainer• Matrix Reimprinting Practitioner• Mensa member, Town Councillor, grandmother, all-round goddess

(I also specifically asked to cover this topic because of my own story, which we now won’t have time to go in to)

Definitions of forgiveness• Childhood – ‘all better, all friends’• Soap opera – lots of wailing, bargaining, mistrust• Some religious – trying hard, lots of angst, martyrdom• Wiping the dust from your feet (but taking the resentment with

you?)• Writing off a debt• Perdonare – forgiefan – something you have rights to but release

freely• Nothing to forgive• Flowers, love, happiness, oneness

Etymology - Pardoning vs Donating• Both are gracious acts*• Both are often public acts• Both are decisions from a place of security, surplus

(*Step into that feeling of validation, validity)

In modern use:• To donate is to hand over, release, have no further interest• To pardon sometimes comes with strings, probation, codicils,

retained interest

Remember:• Forgiveness is NOT forgiveness of

• the act, • the damage, • the state of being of another

• Clear and present danger or damage is what it is. That’s observable, measurable, fact.

• Forgiveness IS forgiveness/release of• My pain• My trauma• My life-limiting emotional state now / when triggered

• (Precious little to do with the perpetrator, and the antithesis of the power I have given them over me)

Unforgivable – Judgment and Condemnation

• Subjective• Rooted in principle:

• core beliefs about what is fair, right, good• core commitments that this or that will/must never happen• ongoing pain – stuck in the contrast between right, and right now

• Mindfulness simply observes one’s thoughts yet judges them as interesting.

• The summary of every observation is a judgment• Judging is not wrong except in its old meaning of passing judgment

(Sentencing, condemnation, demand for penance/reparation)

Condemnation - last stand or first defence?

• Small t traumas & complex PTSD• continuous dripfeed • last stand, final straw

• Big T traumas, singular• attack • shock• instant defence

• UDIN – Unexpected, Dramatic, Isolating, No coping strategy• decision to condemn can be conscious and much later

Coulda-Woulda-Shoulda – demands on the self• This should not have happened. I should have… • I am resp0nsible• Guilt & shame for not stopping it. Impotence.• Guilt and shame for assumed responsibility, for being the cause,

• Especially in children• Can also apply these expectations to others:

• ‘Nobody should’ – still comes down to “I never saw it coming” and judgment of self for not being on high alert.

Betrayal – the perfect example of an UDIN

• I trusted you, I was relying on you• I’m such an idiot• I’m a laughing stock• I’m isolated/excluded/stranded/stripped of safety• I’m worthless, a failure

……… although betrayal, disloyalty, deception are all cruel acts, our response is not to them, but to the way they make us feel.

Maslow’s heirarchy

Perfectionism• A form of safety in isolation• Establishing imperatives as extra boundaries• I must, you must, we must – B/W moral system• Protects from connection (vulnerability) and therefore from guilt

and shame• Terrified of shame• Don’t have to be ‘a total perfectionist’ – e.g. pedantry in one area

as a defence• Perfectionism applied to ones own ability to forgive

• denial of own anger• ‘nirvana or nothing’

Karpman Drama TrianglePersecutor, Rescuer, Victim• No one role is technically better

or more virtuous than the others• We all play them all, frequently• Internal conflict – simultaneous

roles• All roles deny responsibility, lay

blame• We can fear being falsely

accused - judged to have a different role (OJ Simpson)

• The drama rules all – no resolution (relationships you can’t let go)

Resentment

“Resentment is like drinking poison and

then hoping it will kill your enemies.”~ Quoted by

Nelson Mandela

Anger

Healthy Anger• Constructive• I am important• I have value• I draw a line. I deny you/this

Unhealthy Anger• Destructive• I am self-important• I hide my lack of value• I maintain the connection

(habitual pain)

Negative anger is another form of defence. Instead of taking us out of the other person’s drama triangle and drama games, it gets locked in the role of victim become persecutor-punisher:

Which clients?• All of them!

• All our work is 100% about forgiveness; of self, of situations, of others.

• 100% of our work is about finding the ‘because’, the belief

• SUDs of zero with EFT = a 1st level win• SUE of +10 with Matrix Reimprinting = real release

A client-echo so resourced and empowered that as a side effect they freely give away the hurt/offence (pardoning, donating). Natural.

Where to start? Practitioner compassion• Practitioner compassion • Compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion, compassion!

Which also requires:• Calm• Confidence• Patience• No ego investment• Continual self work• Brilliant listening skills• Excellent boundaries• I’m important, you’re important (I’m O.K., You’re O.K.)

I’m O.K. You’re O.K.

“As you wander through life, my brother

Whatever may be your goalKeep your eye upon the donut

And not upon the hole.”

Where to start? Client needs• Resource!

• Wounds need healing• Sense of vulnerability => sense of capability, strength, safety

• In session - as with an echo:• How did this make you feel?• What do you need?

• Using intake form (less compassionate)• What do you want to achieve/feel?• How will you know when this is achieved?

Where to start? Client needs - Anger• Be sure of your ability to distinguish positive and negative anger• Positive Anger – let it out in a safe matrix space:

• Energised, creative or primal• Need to declare one’s own worth and visibility• Might have been squashed down a long time by desire to be good / perfect

• Negative Anger:• Perfectionism / superiority / malice. Hard edged

• Drill down through negative anger• If a client feels they need to do something inappropriate or malicious ask:

• And what would that give you / allow you to feel? • (rinse, repeat as necessary – aim to find vulnerability)

Where to start? Good practice• Continual self-work• Do not rush – do not even take it on yourself to pick a speed at all• Never falter in your unconditional positive regard• Don’t buy in to the drama of having to find a way through, right now• Don’t shame from a place of shame (should, would, could, stop,

don’t)• Know your boundaries and honour them

• A client who gives in, going to a practitioner who gives in, won’t see their own worth

• In fact that will only reinforce their coping strategies as the way to go

The rocky road – client blocks• ‘Gatekeepers’

• The one that drew the line in the sand• Can see this as defending the other little echoes• Can see this as denying entry to innermost feelings unless preconditions are met

• Fear• Of re-experiencing the betrayal, judgment, mockery, exclusion (‘I deserve it’)• Of what life would be like if they let go• Of what the perpetrator or the world would get up to without their stand against

this• Of letting other victims down, deserting them and becoming part of the problem

• Anger, Perfectionism etc.• All built on top of the fear

Good tools• Penny’s wishlist

• Part of Penny Croal’s intake system• self-esteem practice• Excitement, enthusiasm, joie de vivre practice (doughnut!)

• Three chairs (marriage guidance for the self)• (As in matrix, where the client would dialogue with their echo part)• Define the conflicting emotions or parts• Third chair – compassion chair - client plays mediator, asks questions• (Also takes a turn speaking as each of the other elements)

• Involving belief systems in the matrix – compassion of mediator

Belief SystemsYour client may believe in:• God, Buddha, Angels, Granny, others – as representational of

• Perfection• Compassion• Broader sight• Safety• (Your client’s echo may believe in Father Christmas and Barbie)

Bringing such a trusted embodiment into the picture is another way to do the same work as the compassion chair. If the client has taken the place of one of the frustrated parties, they can still dialogue with pure compassion as an external identity.

Questions:Anthony:

Can true healing occur if we don’t forgive?What’s the difference between forgiving ourselves and others?

Tracey:Is compassion different from forgiveness?

Jan SaraHow to forgive repeated trauma from a person who still lives and is still dangerous

TaruniIs forgiveness an act of will, to be consciously practiced?