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10 Life Lessons to Excel in Your 30s

A couple weeks ago I turned 30. Leading up to my birthday I wrote a post on what I learned in my 20s.

But I did something else. I sent an email out to my subscribers (subscribe here) and asked readers age 37and older what advice they would give their 30-year-old selves. The idea was that I would crowdsource thelif e experience f rom my older readership and create another article based on their collective wisdom.

The result was spectacular. I received over 600 responses, many of which were over a page in length. Ittook me a solid three days to read through them all and I was f loored by the quality of insight people sent.

So f irst of all, a hearty thank you to all who contributed and helped create this article.

While going through the emails what surprised me the most was just how consistent some of the advicewas. The same 5-6 pieces of advice came up over and over and over again in dif f erent f orms acrossliterally 100s of emails. It seems that there really are a f ew core pieces of advice that are particularlyrelevant to this decade of your lif e.

Below are 10 of the most common themes appearing throughout all of the 600 emails. The majority of thearticle is comprised of dozens of quotes taken f rom readers. Some are lef t anonymous. Others have theirage listed.

1. Start Saving for Ret irement Now, Not Later

“I spent my 20s recklessly, but your 30s should be when you make a big financial push. Retirement planning isnot something to put off. Understanding boring things like insurance, 401ks & mortgages is important since itsall on your shoulders now. Educate yourself.” (Kash, 41)

The most common piece of advice — so common that almost every single email said at least somethingabout it — was to start getting your f inancial house in order and to start saving f or retirement… today.

There were a f ew categories this advice f ell into:

Make it your top priority to pay down all of your debt as soon as possible.

Keep an “emergency f und” — there were tons of horror stories about people getting f inanciallyruined by health issues, lawsuits, divorces, bad business deals, etc.

Stash away a portion of every paycheck, pref erably into a 401k, an IRA or at the least, a savingsaccount.

Don’t spend f rivolously. Don’t buy a home unless you can af f ord to get a good mortgage with goodrates.

Don’t invest in anything you don’t understand. Don’t trust stockbrokers.

One reader said, “If you are in debt more than 10% of your gross annual salary this is a huge red f lag. Quitspending, pay of f your debt and start saving.” Another wrote, “I would have saved more money in anemergency f und because unexpected expenses really killed my budget. I would have been more diligentabout a retirement f und, because now mine looks pretty small.”

And then there were the readers

Ge e whiz! Saving is so e asy and so fun!

And then there were the readerswho were just completely screwedby their inability to save in their30s. One reader named Jodiwishes she had started saving10% of every paycheck when shewas 30. Her career took a turn f orthe worst and now she’s stuck at57, still living paycheck topaycheck. Another woman, age 62,didn’t save because her husbandout-earned her. They later gotdivorced and she soon ran intohealth problems, draining all of themoney she received in the divorcesettlement. She, too, now livespaycheck to paycheck, slowlywaiting f or the day social securitykicks in. Another man related astory of having to be supported by his son because he didn’t save and unexpectedly lost his job in the2008 crash.

The point was clear: save early and save as much as possible. One woman emailed me saying that she hadworked low-wage jobs with two kids in her 30s and still managed to sock away some money in a retirementf und each year. Because she started early and invested wisely, she is now in her 50s and f inancially stablef or the f irst t ime in her lif e. Her point: it ’s always possible. You just have to do it.

2. Start Taking Care of Your Health Now, Not Later

“Your mind’s acceptance of age is 10 to 15 years behind your body’s aging. Your health will go faster than youthink but it will be very hard to notice, not the least because you don’t want it to happen.” (Tom, 55)

We all know to take care of our health. We all know to eat better and sleep better and exercise more andblah, blah, blah. But just as with the retirement savings, the response f rom the older readers was loud andunanimous: get healthy and stay healthy now.

So many people said it that I’m not even going to bother quoting anybody else. Their points were prettymuch all the same: the way you treat your body has a cumulative ef f ect; it ’s not that your body suddenlybreaks down one year, it’s been breaking down all along without you noticing. This is the decade to slowdown that breakage.

And this wasn’t just your typical

The ke y to salad is to laug h while e ating it.

Ge ntly le t g o o f tho se who are no t making yo ur l i fe b e tte r.

And this wasn’t just your typicalmotherly advice to eat your veggies.These were emails f rom cancersurvivors, heart attack survivors,stroke survivors, people withdiabetes and blood pressureproblems, joint issues and chronicpain. They all said the same thing: “If Icould go back, I would start eatingbetter and exercising and I would notstop. I made excuses then. But I hadno idea.”

3. Don’t Spend Time withPeople Who Don’t Treat YouWell

“Learn how to say “no” to people,activities and obligations that don’t bring value to your life.” (Hayley, 37)

Af ter calls to take care of yourhealth and your f inances, the mostcommon piece of advice f rompeople looking back at their 30-year-old selves was an interestingone: they would go back andenf orce stronger boundaries intheir lives and dedicate their t imeto better people. “Setting healthyboundaries is one of the mostloving things you can do f oryourself or another person.”(Kristen, 43)

What does that mean specif ically?

“Don’t tolerate people who don’ttreat you well. Period. Don’ttolerate them f or f inancial reasons.Don’t tolerate them f or emotional reasons. Don’t tolerate them f or the children’s sake or f or conveniencesake.” (Jane, 52)

“Don’t settle f or mediocre f riends, jobs, love, relationships and lif e.” (Sean, 43)

“Stay away f rom miserable people… they will consume you, drain you.” (Gabriella, 43)

“Surround yourself and only date people that make you a better version of yourself , that bring out yourbest parts, love and accept you.” (Xochie)

People typically struggle with boundaries because they f ind it dif f icult to hurt someone else’s f eelings, orthey get caught up in the desire to change the other person or make them treat them the way they want tobe treated. This never works. And in f act, it of ten makes it worse. As one reader wisely said, “Self ishnessand self - interest are two dif f erent things. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.”

When we’re in our 20s, the world is so open to opportunity and we’re so short on experience that we cling

to the people we meet, even if they’ve done nothing to earn our clingage. But by our 30s we’ve learned thatgood relationships are hard to come by, that there’s no shortage of people to meet and f riends to bemade, and that there’s no reason to waste our t ime with people who don’t help us on our lif e’s path.

4. Be Good to the People You Care About

“Show up with and for your friends. You matter, and your presence matters.” (Jessica, 40)

Conversely, while enf orcing stricter boundaries on who we let into our lives, many readers advised to makethe time f or those f riends and f amily that we do decide to keep close.

“I think sometimes I may have taken some relationships f or granted, and when that person is gone, they’regone. Unf ortunately, the older you get, well, things start to happen, and it will af f ect those closest to you.”(Ed, 45)

“Appreciate those close to you. You can get money back and jobs back, but you can never get t ime back.”(Anne, 41)

“Tragedy happens in everyone’s lif e, everyone’s circle of f amily and f riends. Be the person that others cancount on when it does. I think that between 30 and 40 is the decade when a lot of shit f inally starts tohappen that you might have thought never would happen to you or those you love. Parents die, spousesdie, babies are still-born, f riends get divorced, spouses cheat… the list goes on and on. Helping someonethrough these times by simply being there, listening and not judging is an honor and will deepen yourrelationships in ways you probably can’t yet imagine.” (Rebecca, 40)

5. You can’t have everything; Focus On Doing a Few Things Really Well

“Everything in life is a trade-off. You give up one thing to get another and you can’t have it all. Accept that.”(Eldri, 60)

In our 20s we have a lot of dreams. We believe that we have all of the time in the world. I myself rememberhaving illusions that my website would be my f irst career of many. Litt le did I know that it took the betterpart of a decade to even get competent at this. And now that I’m competent and have a major advantageand love what I do, why would I ever trade that in f or another career?

“In a word: f ocus. You can simply get more done in lif e if you f ocus on one thing and do it really well. Focusmore.” (Ericson, 49)

Another reader: “I would tell myself to f ocus on one or two goals/aspirations/dreams and really worktowards them. Don’t get distracted.” And another: “You have to accept that you cannot do everything. Ittakes a lot of sacrif ice to achieve anything special in lif e.”

A f ew readers noted that most people arbitrarily choose their careers in their late teens or early 20s, and aswith many of our choices at those ages, they are of ten wrong choices. It takes years to f igure out whatwe’re good at and what we enjoy doing. But it ’s better to f ocus on our primary strengths and maximize themover the course of lif etime than to half -ass something else.

“I’d tell my 30 year old self to set aside what other people think and identif y my natural strengths and whatI’m passionate about, and then build a lif e around those.” (Sara, 58)

For some people, this will mean taking big risks, even in their 30s and beyond. It may mean ditching a careerthey spent a decade building and giving up money they worked hard f or and became accustomed to. Whichbrings us to…

6. Don’t Be Afraid of Taking Risks, You Can St ill Change

“While by age 30 most feel they should have their career dialed in, it is never too late to reset. The individualsthat I have seen with the biggest regrets during this decade are those that stay in something that they know isnot right. It is such an easy decade to have the days turn to weeks to years, only to wake up at 40 with a mid-life crisis for not taking action on a problem they were aware of 10 years prior but failed to act.” (Richard, 41)

“Biggest regrets I have are almost exclusively things I did *not* do.” (Sam, 47)

Many readers commented on how society tells us that by 30 we should have things “f igured out” — ourcareer situation, our dating/marriage situation, our f inancial situation and so on. But this isn’t true. And, inf act, dozens and dozens of readers implored to not let these social expectations of “being an adult” deteryou f rom taking some major risks and starting over. As someone on my Facebook page responded: “Alladults are winging it.”

“I am about to turn 41 and would tell my 30 year old self that you do not have conf orm you lif e to an idealthat you do not believe in. Live your lif e, don’t let it live you. Don’t be af raid of tearing it all down if you haveto, you have the power to build it all back up again.” (Lisa, 41)

Multiple readers related making major career changes in their 30s and being better of f f or doing so. Onelef t a lucrative job as a military engineer to become a teacher. Twenty years later, he called it one of thebest decisions of his lif e. When I asked my mom this question, her answer was, “I wish I had been willing tothink outside the box a bit more. Your dad and I kind of f igured we had to do thing A, thing B, thing C, butlooking back I realize we didn’t have to at all; we were very narrow in our thinking and our lif estyles and Ikind of regret that.”

“Less f ear. Less f ear. Less f ear. I am about to turn 50 next year, and I am just getting that lesson. Fear wassuch a detrimental driving f orce in my lif e at 30. It impacted my marriage, my career, my self - image in af iercely negative manner. I was guilty of : Assuming conversations that others might be having about me.Thinking that I might f ail. Wondering what the outcome might be. If I could do it again, I would have riskedmore.” (Aida, 49)

7. You Must Continue to Grow and Develop Yourself

“You have two assets that you can never get back once you’ve lost them: your body and your mind. Mostpeople stop growing and working on themselves in their 20s. Most people in their 30s are too busy to worryabout self-improvement. But if you’re one of the few who continues to educate themselves, evolve theirthinking and take care of their mental and physical health, you will be light-years ahead of the pack by 40.”(Stan, 48)

It f ollows that if one can still change in their 30s — and should continue to change in their 30s — then onemust continue to work to improve and grow. Many readers related the choice of going back to school andgetting their degrees in their 30s as one of the most usef ul things they had ever done. Others talked oftaking extra seminars and courses to get a leg up. Others started their f irst businesses or moved to newcountries. Others checked themselves into therapy or began a meditation practice.

A f riend of mine stated that at 29, he decided that his mind was his most valuable asset, and he decided toinvest in it. He spent thousands of his own education, on seminars, on various therapies. And at 54, heinsists that it was one of the best decisions he ever made.

“The number one goal should be to try to become a better person, partner, parent, f riend, colleague etc. —in other words to grow as an individual.” (Aimilia, 39)

8. Nobody (St ill) Knows What They’re Doing, Get Used to It

“Unless you are already dead — mentally, emotionally, and socially — you cannot anticipate your life 5 yearsinto the future. It will not develop as you expect. So just stop it. Stop assuming you can plan far ahead, stopobsessing about what is happening right now because it will change anyway, and get over the control issueabout your life’s direction. Fortunately, because this is true, you can take even more chances and not loseanything; you cannot lose what you never had. Besides, most feelings of loss are in your mind anyway – fewmatter in the long term.” (Thomas, 56)

In my article about what I learned in my 20s, one of my lessons was “Nobody Knows What They’re Doing,”and that this was good news. Well, according to the 40+ crowd, this continues to be true in one’s 30s and,well, f orever it seems; and it continues to be good news f orever as well.

“Most of what you think is important now will seem unimportant in 10 or 20 years and that’s OK. That’scalled growth. Just try to remember to not take yourself so seriously all the time and be open to it.” (Simon,57)

“Despite f eeling somewhat invincible f or the last decade, you really don’t know what’s going to happen andneither does anyone else, no matter how conf idently they talk. While this is disturbing to those who cling topermanence or security, it ’s truly liberating once you grasp the truth that things are always changing. Tof inish, there might be times that are really sad. Don’t dull the pain or avoid it. Sorrow is part of everyone’slif etime and the consequence of an open and passionate heart. Honor that. Above all, be kind to yourselfand others, it ’s such a brilliant and beautif ul ride and keeps on getting better.” (Prue, 38)

“I’m 44. I would remind my 30 year old self that at 40, my 30s would be equally f illed with dumb stuf f ,dif f erent stuf f , but still dumb stuf f … So, 30 year old self , don’t go getting on your high horse. You STILLdon’t know it all. And that’s a good thing.” (Shirley, 44)

9. Invest in Your Family; It ’s Worth It

“Spend more time with your folks. It’s a different relationship when you’re an adult and it’s up to you how youredefine your interactions. They are always going to see you as their kid until the moment you can make themsee you as your own man. Everyone gets old. Everyone dies. Take advantage of the time you have left to set

What d o yo u want kid ?

things right and enjoy your family.” (Kash, 41)

I was overwhelmed with amount of responses about f amily and the power of those responses. Family isthe big new relevant topic f or this decade f or me, because you get it on both ends. Your parents are oldand you need to start considering how your relationship with them is going to f unction as a self -suf f icientadult. And then you also need to contemplate creating a f amily of your own.

Pretty much everybody agreed to get over whatever problems you have with your parents and f ind a way tomake it work with them. One reader wrote, “You’re too old to blame your parents f or any of your own short-comings now. At 20 you could get away with it, you’d just lef t the house. At 30, you’re a grown-up. Seriously.Move on.”

But then there’s the question that plagues every single 30-year-old: to baby or not to baby?

“You don’t have the time. You don’t have the money. You need to perf ect your career f irst. They’ll end yourlif e as you know it. Oh shut up…Kids are great. They make you better in every way. They push you to your limits. They make you happy. Youshould not def er having kids. If you are 30, now is the time to get real about this. You will never regret it.”(Kevin, 38)

“It ’s never the ‘right t ime’ f or children because you have no idea what you’re getting into until you have one.If you have a good marriage and environment to raise them, err on having them earlier rather than later,you’ll get to enjoy more of them.” (Cindy, 45)

“All my preconceived notions about what a married lif e is like were wrong. Unless you’ve already beenmarried, everyone’s are. Especially once you have kids. Try to stay open to the experience and f luid as aperson; your marriage is worth it, and your happiness seems as much tied to your ability to change andadapt as anything else. I wasn’t planning on having kids. From a purely self ish perspective, this was thedumbest thing of all. Children are the most f ulf illing, challenging, and exhausting endeavor anyone can everundertake. Ever.” (Rich, 44)

The consensus about marriageseemed to be that it was worth it,assuming you had a healthyrelationship with the right person. Ifnot, you should run the other way(See #3).

But interestingly, I got a number ofemails like the f ollowing:

“What I know now vs 10-13 yearsago is simply this… bars, woman,beaches, drink af ter drink, clubs,bottle service, trips to dif f erentcit ies because I had noresponsibility other than work,etc… I would trade every memoryof that lif e f or a good woman thatwas actually in love with me… andmaybe a f amily. I would add, don’t f orgot to actually grow up and start a f amily and take on responsibilit iesother than success at work. I am still having a litt le bit of f un… but sometimes when I go out, I f eel like theguy that kept coming back to high school af ter he graduated (think Matthew McConaughey’s character inDazed and Confused). I see people in love and on dates everywhere. “Everyone” my age is in their f irst orsecond marriage by now! Being perpetually single sounds amazing to all of my married f riends but it is notthe way one should choose to live their lif e.” (Anonymous, 43)

“I would have told myself to stop constantly searching f or the next best thing and I would have appreciatedthe relationships that I had with some of the good, genuine guys that truly cared f or me. Now I’m alwaysalone and it f eels too late.” (Fara, 38)

On the f lip side, there were a small handf ul of emails that took the other side of the coin:

“Don’t f eel pressured to get married or have kids if you don’t want to. What makes one person happydoesn’t make everyone happy. I’ve chosen to stay single and childless and I still live a happy and f ulf illedlif e. Do what f eels right f or you.” (Anonymous, 40)

Conclusion: It seems that while f amily is not absolutely necessary to have a happy and f ulf illing lif e, themajority of people have f ound that f amily is always worth the investment, assuming the relationships arehealthy and not toxic and/or abusive.

10. Be kind to yourself , respect yourself

“Be a little selfish and do something for yourself every day, something different once a month and somethingspectacular every year.” (Nancy, 60)

This one was rarely the central f ocus of any email, but it was present in some capacity in almost all ofthem: treat yourself better. Almost everybody said this in one f orm or another. “There is no one who caresabout or thinks about your lif e a f raction of what you do,” one reader began, and, “lif e is hard, so learn tolove yourself now, it ’s harder to learn later,” another reader f inished.

Or as Renee, 40, succinctly put it: “Be kind to yourself .”

Many readers included the old cliche: “Don’t sweat the small stuf f ; and it ’s almost all small stuf f .” Eldri, 60,wisely said, “When conf ronted with a perceived problem, ask yourself , ‘Is this going to matter in f ive years,ten years?’ If not, dwell on it f or a f ew minutes, then let it go.” It seems many readers have f ocused on thesubtle lif e lesson of simply accepting lif e as is, warts and all.

Which brings me to the last quote f rom Martin, age 58:

“When I turned f orty my f ather told me that I’d enjoy my f orties because in your twenties you think youknow what’s going on, in your thirt ies you realize you probably don’t, and in your f orties you can relax andjust accept things. I’m 58 and he was right.”

Thank you to everyone who contributed.