About the Play: This short play is inspired by the characters and scenarios of the Commedia Dell Arte.

The script serves as a useful tool in the introduction and practice of the Commedia style of theatre. The characters should be bold, brash and played with gusto, energy and a good deal of fun. The pace should be fast. It can be played with or without Commedia style masks. There is very little set and props and it can easily and effectively be played on an open stage. Descriptions of characters appear in the text . Most characters can be played as either male or female. Also, there is always a good deal of fun for a female actor to play a male character and vise versa. It must be noted that the script does not strictly follow all the conventions of Commedia Della Arte. This is intentional and is driven by the desire to create script that is flexible, suited to the needs of a wide range of ages and performance context.

Characters...

1.Doctore An old, plump Doctor who is not as smart as he thinks he is. Male.2.Arlecchino Pantalone's lazy and cheeky servant. Male or Female.3.Pantalone The Master of the House, consumed by the love of money, easily angered (especially by the cheeky servant Arlecchino). Male or female.4.Tartaglia Is unable to speak and must communicate as best as he/she can with gestures and looks. Male or female. (This is a small role that can be doubled by the actor playing Brighella or Pulchinella)5.Brighella A lower class character who has done well for him/herself and runs a small Inn. Male or Female.6.Il Capitano A coward who pretends he/she is a brave army captain. Male or female.7.Columbina Young quick witted woman servant. 8.Pulchinella A bully, who loves to inflict pain on others. The local auctioneer. Male or female.Scene:Introduction

Pantalone's courtyard. Arlecchino enters stage, he/she is supposed to give the prologue for the play but is too lazy, instead Arlecchino stretches out, yawns, scratches vigorously, farts loudly and falls asleep.Columbina pops her head around the curtain to see why it is so quiet on the stage. Seeing Arlecchino fast asleep she enters the stage and talks to the audience...

Columbina: Look at that. Fast asleep! Typical. Arlecchino is supposed to be giving you the Prologue... you know, explaining the play... introducing the performance. Creating anticipation and suspense. So much for that! Look at him/her! Looks like it's up to me... once again. Well here goes (She clears her throat), Welcome to the Play, my name is Columbina (she bows grandly) and I am a character from the world of Commedia Dell Arte'. (She pauses) You should be clapping now.(She waits for the audience to clap, or continues to encourage them to clap until they do so. Perhaps she says The show won't start until you clap or The doors are all locked and we won't let you go until you applaud!).Thank you. Too kind. Our play is inspired by the street theatre entertainment of the Commedia Dell Arte, performed in Europe, three to four hundred years ago. (With a cheeky grin) Some of you look like you're old enough to remember them!In our play you'll meet... (as the characters are introduced the actor for each character runs on stage and takes a bow/curtsy then exits as the next actor enters)...Il Capitano the Cowardly Captain,Il Doctore the Doctor who is not nearly as smart as he thinks,Pantalone the Master miser,Brighella the shrewd Innkeeper,Tartaglia the dumb Postman,Pulchinella the aggressive Auctioneer,...you've met Arlecchino over there asleep, and you've met me - Columbina (she takes another bow)... Our play takes place at various locations; Pantalone's courtyard, at the Inn, in the street and at the market... but it will all look just like this, (she gestures around at the stage) because we don't really do set changes or any of that carry on. I am afraid you'll have to use your imagination! I think that about covers everything (looks towards the wings) and here comes Il Doctore, who thinks he is in love with me, so I'd better get out of here. On with the show!(She heads towards the wings, stops and looks back and if the audience is clapping gives one more bow/curtsy or if the audience is not clapping says...)You should be clapping now! (She skips off stage).Scene:Fallen overDoctore enters stage, he is very old and fat, wearing glasses (this is important for later in the play) and is looking for Pantalone, and hoping to bump into Columbina at the same time. Il Capitano rushes frantically onto the stage looking back at the wings and bumps into Doctore, knocking Doctore to the floor. Il Capitano screams like a little child in fright, picks him/herself up and rushes off stage.Pulchinella: (Running across the stage after Il Capitano, threatening with a baton/club, and yelling angrily) If you bid for something you have to buy it!

Doctore sits up at center stage and begins talking to the audience.Doctore: As you can see I have fallen over.... or rather I have ceased to be upright. That is to say, I am down right because I am not up right... it could also be said I am up wrong because I am not upright. Fallen over is indeed the state I find myself, and, it must be said, the state in which you find me. This is because, and I must make this clear, from the moment you found me I was in this state, and this state is the state that you have found me. Here. You see this is the place in which you found me in the state in which you find me... here up wrong, down right... not upright. (The Doctor gets up and as he ambles off stage)... where is Pantalone... and that yummy Columbina?Scene: Not Feeling MyselfLocation remains the courtyard in Pantalone's house.Il Capitano runs across the stage, in a mad panic, with Pulchinella in hot pursuit.Pulchinella: (Running across the stage after Il Capitano, threatening with a baton/club, and yelling angrily) I said, if you bid for something, you have to buy it!Arlecchino On stage asleep and snoring.Pantalone: (From off stage) Arlecchino! Arlecchino!Columbina: (Enters stage and checks that Il Doctore is gone, then wakes up Arlecchino with a slap). Wake up! The Master wants you!Arlecchino awakes with a start.Arlecchino: What! What?Columbina hurries off stage.Pantalone: (From off stage) Arlecchino! Arlecchino!Arlecchino: Master Pantalone, I am here.Pantalone: Where?Arlecchino: Right here.Pantalone: Where?Arlecchino: Right here. Look around you. Can you see me?Pantalone: No I can not!Arlecchino: That is because you are there, and I am here. Just as I said.Pantalone: (Very angry and yelling now) Stop playing your stupid games! Where are you?Arlecchino: Here. (Quickly before Pantalone yells at him/her again) In the courtyard, Master Pantalone.Pantalone: (Entering) Here you are.

Arlecchino: (Bowing low to Pantalone) Just as I said. (Cheekily) Here!Pantalone: Enough of your fooling about. Where is the Doctor? He is coming to see me. Get us some wine.Arlecchino: The Doctor has not arrived. (As he/she is leaving) I shall fetch the good wine.Pantalone: No! Not the good wine.Arlecchino: Not the good wine?Pantalone: No, I am saving that for (pauses)...Arlecchino: Me?Pantalone: No!Arlecchino: For you?Pantalone: (Not wanting to appear greedy) No, for (he pauses)...Arlecchino: Later?Pantalone: Yes! That's it! Later!Arlecchino: Later it is then. Cheap wine for the Doctor. What will he think?Pantalone: Yes you are right. Very well then. Put the cheap wine in the expensive wine bottle!Arlecchino: (Bowing low and then exiting) My most generous Master.Pantalone: (Missing the sarcasm and agreeing) My generosity is my curse.Columbina enters stage (Pantalone does not see her) and is about to say something to Pantalone when...Arlecchino: (Off stage) The Doctor is here!Columbina: (To audience) Eeek! Not that creep! I'm off! (She hurries off stage).Pantalone: Send him in!Arlecchino: Where?Pantalone: Here!Arlecchino: Send him in here? Why he is already in here! (Popping his head around the curtain) Surely you would like the Doctor to come into the courtyard with you.Pantalone: Stop your ridiculous fooling and send the Doctor in here. (Arlecchino pretends to be confused and Pantalone screams) The courtyard!!!!Arlecchino: (Bowing low and talking to the Doctor off stage) My Master welcomes you into the courtyard.

Doctore: (Entering slowly, he is old and very fat). My good Pantalone!Pantalone: My good Doctor! Arlecchino, wine!Doctore: How are you Pantalone?Pantalone: How am I? Terrible! How do I look?Arlecchino: (Entering) You look terrible! Ugly! Disgusting! I can hardly look at you without vomiting!Pantalone: What?!Arlecchino: I agree, you look terrible. (Explaining himself to avoid trouble) Terribly sick. Doesn't he Doctor?Doctore: (Seeing the expensive wine bottle) The best wine! Pantalone that is not like you! Perhaps you are ill! Let me see. (He walks around Pantalone and slowly makes a diagnosis with careful consideration). Not acting like yourself and serving the good wine. Hmmmm. Not himself. Hmmmm. If he's not himself, then he is not himself. Hmmmm. It follows then that he must be someone else. Hmmmm. But who? Hmmmm. Serving good wine and someone else. Hmmmm. Wine? Wine! Of course! (To Arlecchino) Have you seen Brighella today?Arlecchino: The Inn Keeper? No.Doctore: Ah ha! Then we have a conclusion.Pantalone and Arlecchino: We do?Doctore: The absence of Brighella the Inn Keeper... Pantalone not feeling himself therefore you are not Pantalone.Pantalone: I'm not?Arlecchino: He's not?Doctore: You are Brighella the Inn Keeper. How do you feel now?Pantalone: How should I feel?Doctore: A patient cured is a happy patient.Pantalone: I feel happy?Doctore: Of course you do.Pantalone: A glass of wine to celebrate! Arlecchino pour us some wine.Arlecchino: Me?Pantalone: Of course you!

Arlecchino: (Scolding Pantalone) I don't work for you! Pantalone, not Brighella, is my master! (Looks at his/her watch) Ah it is later, time for some good wine. (He/she laughs and takes a huge drink of the good wine as he/she exits).Pantalone: My wine! (Pantalone faints at the shock of seeing the good wine being drunk).Doctor: (Looking out to audience and pointing to Pantalone) Up wrong. Down right. It must be contagious (Wandering off) Now where's that yummy Columbina?

Scene:Tartaglia delivers a letter.

Enter Tartaglia with letter.He/She waddles,with a big pot belly,on stage and looks around(not seeing Pantalone on the floor) he/she waddles off.He/She returns and whiletrying to avoid tripping over Pantalone, falls over himself. Tries hard to form the wordsto wake Pantalone but of course he/she can't speak. Decides to slap Pantalone but thinksbetter of it. Tries again to speak but fails. Waddles off stage and enters again, this timewith a whistle, shows it proudly to the audience, and blows it with all his/her might.

Pantalone: (Waking with a start) Foul! Off side! Not me rel! (Seeing Tartaglia wavingthe letter at him). Oh, it's you.

Tartaglia looks around as if to say Who are you talking to. Then realizes that Pantaloneis talking to him.

Pantalone: What do you want?

Tartaglia has forgotten and paces the stage to think. Several times he/she thinks he/shehas remembered but then changes his/her mind.

Pantalone: Well?

Tartaglia shrugs his/her shoulders and gestures an apology. Starts to scuttle of but isstopped by Pantalone.

Pantalone: Stop! What's that in your hand?

Tartaglia looks closely at the palm his/her free hand... and then casts a confused look toPantalone.

Pantalone: Not that hand, the other!

Tartaglia passes the letter to the other hand and looks closely at the palm of his/her freehand... and then casts a confused look to Pantalone.

Pantalone: The letter! The letter, you idiot!

Tartaglia looks confused at Pantalone.

Pantalone: Grabbing the letter from Tartaglia). This!

Tartaglia now remembers that it was the letter he/she was to give to Pantalone. He/Shesnatches it back and then with a flourishing bow presents it to Pantalone. Holds outhis/her hand for a tip.

Pantalone: (With encouragement in his voice) You want a tip?

Tartaglia nods vigorously, very excited.

Pantalone: Here's your tip. (Tricking Tartaglia he/she reaches one hand into his/herpocket, Tartaglia is very excited) Don't expect a tip from me!Ha! That's the only tip you'regonna get! (He/she tries to cuff Tartaglia around the ear but Tartaglia scuttles off).

Scene:Pantalones letterHe/she takes a moment to make sure no one is around and begins to open it.Pantalone:

A letter from Rodrigo my banker. Good news on my investments of course. (Pauses andconsiders) Good news or bad news? He/she carefully sniffs the letter)... hard to tell. Itcould be good news (He/she sniffs the letter again), then again - it could be bad. He/shesniffs again) Hard to tell. What to do? I could read the letter and find out. But what if it isbad news? All my money gone perhaps... (He/she sniffs the letter), but maybe not.Hmmmm. I'll open it. (He/she carefully unfolds the letter and begins to read) My dearPantalone, so far so good. A dear thing is an expensive thing. He considers meexpensive. That must be good. (He/she reads more) How are you?. He asks how I am.(Breaking into sudden despair)Rodrigo, how do you think I am? I have aches and pains...my head aches, my tooth aches, my belly aches (pause) my wallet aches! How am I?Terrible of course. (He/she shrugs) But what can be done? I'll read on. I bring word ofyour investments. My investments! It must be bad news! Why else would he write?! I'mdoomed. (He/she sniffs the letter). Ah ha! I can smell you now! Bad luck you stink like anempty money bag. Terrible misfortune! What to do? (Clutching heart) I'm broke! I'mbroken! I'm a wreck and I am wrecked! All is lost! What to do? I'll have to raise my rents,(With a sly grin) yes, I'll raise my rents, (getting excited) I'll up my prices, I'll cut the staffwages! (now in rapture) I'll auction my wife/husband! I'll sell my children! (He/shesuddenly notices a smell in the air and realizes it is the letter) Wait a minute, (carefullysniffs the letter) That's not bad news! (sniffs again) That's good news! (quickly reading therest of the letter) Your investments have ballooned. You're richer than ever! Sincerely,Rodrigo. I'm saved! (A look of disappointment creeps across his/her face) No priceincreases, no cuts to their wages. No auction for the wife/husband... no cashing in thekids... then again (sly grin) one can never be too careful. (Leaving the stage...)

Wife husband! Children! Pack your bags we're going to market!

Scene:Mister-taken Identity

Pulchinella and Columbina enter from opposite sides of the stage,walking backwards.Columbina is sneaking away from Il Doctore and Pulchinella is looking for Il Capitano.They bump,back to back,into each otherPulchinella:Gotcha!

Columbina: Oh no!

Both: (Turning to see each other). Oh its just you.

Pulchinella: I'm looking for Il Capitano. Have you seen him? He owes me( gesturesrubbing fingers together to show money) money, which means I owe him a (swingsbaton/club aggressively) a whack across the back of the head!

Columbina: Oh dear! No I haven't seen the Captain.

Pulchinella: (Threateningly) Well, I would hate to waste a good whack across the back ofthe head!

Columbina: (Backing away) You wouldn't want to whack me. I would be a waste of awhack too!

Pulchinella: Why?

Il Doctore: (From off stage) Yum Yum! Where are you?

Columbina: (Seeing a way to make Pulchinella happy and to deal with the Doctor)Because one whack and I would be knocked out cold

Pulchinella: And why is that a waste of a whack?

Columbina: Because I can give you someone who'll take a whole lot more satisfyingwhacks!

Pulchinella: (Excited) Really? Who?

Il Doctore: Yum Yum! I know you're here somewhere!

Columbina:The Doctor! If he thinks you are me, he'll take your painful whacks withpleasure!

Pulchinella: (Disappointed) Pleasure?

Columbina: Yes, but don't think of his pleasure. Think of the whacks! The wonderful,wicked, whacks!

Pulchinella: Put like that, how could I resist?!

Columbina: OK. Leave this to me. Hide over here. (She directs Pulchinella to corner ofthe stage out of the way, then calls out to the Doctor) Il Doctore! I'm in here!

Il Doctore: (Entering stage) Yum Yum! I knew you were in here. Now about my marriageproposal. What do you say Yum Yum?!

Columbina: (Cringing at the thought of being married to Il Doctore) Married to you?Wouldnt that beerwellwonderful.

Il Doctore: I would make a handsome young groom/

Pulchinella: Young?! Ha ha ha. Columbina: Hush!

ll Doctore: What's that?

Columbina: Nothing. I was just saying... er...( thinking hard) that you... (has an idea)would be a perfect young groom!

ll Doctore: Really? Yes of course.

Columbina: But there is just one problem.

Il Doctore: And what is that my little Yum Yum?

Columbina: Your glasses make you look a little old. Why don't you take them off. Let mesee you in your (she can hardly keep from laughing) handsome youth!

Il Doctore: Of course. Off they come!

Columbina: Let me help you with that. (She takes his glasses off him). There! What ahandsome young man you are! (She creeps over to Pulchinella, pushes him/her forwardso she is hidden from the Doctor. Yoo hoo! Doctor, I'm over here!

Il Doctore: Oh there you are!

Columbina: (to Pulchinella) Now's your chance, you be me! Good luck! (She sneaks offstage).

Pulchinella: This ought to be fun! (In a high pitched womans voice). Yoo, hoo, Doctorecome over here!

Il Doctore: Coming Yum Yum! (He waddles over to Pulchinella). How about a kiss? (Hepuckers his lips, closes his eyes and leans towards Pulchinella).

Pulchinella: Oh course! Brace yourself! (He/she whacks the Doctor with his/herbaton,/club).

ll Doctore: (stumbling from the hit) What the?!

Pulchinella: Sorry dearest (trying not to laugh) I slipped! Let's try again.

Il Doctore: Oh yes! (He puckers his lips, closes his eyes and leans towards Pulchinella).Pulchinella: Brace yourself... dearest! (He/she whacks the Doctor with his/herbaton,/club). Ooops, slipped again.

Il Doctore: (Trying to stay on his feet and rubbing the back of his head). What was thatin aid of?!

Pulchinella: Forgive me, (snigger's) you handsome young man. I hope I didn't hurt you.But you are so young and strong, surely it was just a little bump.

ll Doctore: (A little unsure of himself) Yes, just a little bump. But perhaps you could be alittle careful with the next kiss.

Pulchinella: (Unable to believe his/her luck) Another kiss?Of course!Brace yourself youhandsome young stallion! (Pulchinella winds up and strikes Il Doctore with a huge whackto his backside,knocking him on the floor).

Il Doctore: (Struggling to his feet and rubbing his sore backside) Thats enough romanceFor now.(Looking for and excuse) Lets have some for later.

Pulchinella: Just one more kiss!

Il Doctore: (Panicking) No!Please!I have to go! Im a busy man! (Scuttling off stagebefore he gets another whack) I think a patient is calling me!

Pulchinella: (To audience) Columbina was right.What wonderful,wicked whacks!Pulchinella exists happily.

Scene:Inn Trouble

Columbina: (enters, checks that Pulchinella and Il Doctore have gone. She talks to theaudience). Gone? Good. A change of scene. Here we are now at Brighella's Inn. (Shegestures to the empty stage). See? No? Look - there are little round tables and woodenchairs (she gestures to their imaginary positions), windows face the street (gestures),kitchen there (gestures), bathrooms through there (gestures), shelves of bottles up there(gestures)... all as you would expect at an Inn. All we need now is Brighella (Brighellaenters and takes his/her place on the stage) and Arlecchino (Arlecchino takes his/herplace on the stage). Arlecchino is in a spot of bother. Again. (She exits).

Brighella is drying wine glasses with a tea towel at the bar. The bar can be representedby a wine barrel on wheels that he/she wheels in at his/her entrance. Vigorouslysearching through his/her pockets, is Arlecchino.

Arlecchino: I have the money! Really I do!

Brighella: $4.50 Arlecchino. The cheapest house wine in town!

Arlecchino: I know, I know.

Brighella: And then there is the matter of your little snack.

Arlecchino: (Pauses from his searching and licks his/her lips) Hmmmmm. A sparrow,stuffed in a frog, wrapped in a ferret, encased in a badger, packed in a pony, rolled up in arhino... garnished with sea salt.

Brighella: And a side salad!

Arleochino: I didn't finish the salad. I'm watching my weight.

Brighella: Pay up!

Arleochino: (Finds something in his pocket) Here! (excitedly he/she pulls it out a buttonand a piece of string, his/her face drops). Oh no.

Brighella: You'll have to work it off!

Arleochino: Work? Not work! (Pleading) Chop me up and feed me to the sharks! Boil meup to make soap! Turn me inside out and wear me as a cloak! Anything but work!

Brighella: Here comes Pantalone. I have an idea. Take this coat, hat, and shoes, and goover to that table. Follow my lead.

Arleochino: All the way over there? It's five paces! Put on a coat? You'll wear me out!

Brighella: (Cuffing him around the ear) Get over there you lazy rat.

Arlecchino counts his steps over to the table then pulls on the coat and hat.

Pantalone: (Pantalone enters calling back to his/her wife/husband and childrenoutside the Inn). I won't be a minute, I'm not getting anything, just need a word withBrighella. (He turns to Brighella) A glass of your house wine Brighella.

Brighella: Of course (Pours a glass of wine and serves it to Pantalone).

Pantalone: Fill it to the top! No need to skimp! A little generosity please!

Brighella: Of course (Fills the glass to the brim and Pantalone takes a mouthful of wine)And something for the family?

Pantalone: Choking on his/her wine) No! Heavens, let's not go mad!

Brighella: Of course. (Pauses as Pantalone wipes the wine from his/her chin and front,then takes another mouthful). That'll be $104. 50 Pantalone.

Pantalone:( Choking on his wine) What?! Has the world gone mad? $104.50 for a housewine?

Brighella: (Chuckling) Of course not.

Pantalone: (Chuckling along with him/her) Of course not. You gave me a flight there.Brighella: $104.50 for a glass of house wine! Ha!

Both laugh heartily.

Pantalone: ( Wiping a tear from his/her eye and chuckling) Madness!

Brighella: The house wine is $4.50

Pantalone: (Toasting Brighella) The cheapest in town!Here you go (hands over the$4.50).

Brighella: The other $100 is for protection.

Pantalone: For what?

Brighella: Protection.

Pantalone: Protection?

Brighella: (Nodding seriously) Protection.

Pantalone: From what?

Brighella: From what? From whom!

Pantalone: From whom?

Brighella: Exactly, from whom, now pay up.

Pantalone: Has the world gone mad?! Who do I need protection from?

Brighella: (Leaning in close to Pantalone and speaking in a stage whisper) From him!Behind you.

Pantalone: Who? (Starts to turn around).

Brighella: Don't look!

Pantalone: (Freezing) OK. What's he look like?

Brighella: Big!

Pantalone: Big?

Brighella: Huge!

Pantalone: Huge?

Brighella: Enormous!

Pantalone: Enormous?

Brighella: Here he comes! (He/her nods to Arlecchino).

Arlecchino: Grrrrrrr! (He/her stomps over and stands behind Pantalone and speaks ina deep voice). What do we have 'ere?

Brighella: (holding out his/her hand) Quick! $100

Pantalone: (Fishing into his/her pocket for the money, giving up the money hurts)Ohhhhhhh, here!

Brighella: Thank you.

Arlecchino stomps back to his/her chair.

Pantalone: Has he gone?

Brighella: Yes.That was a close one.

Pantalone: I must be off!

Brighella: Too late.

Pantalone: Too late?

Brighella: There's another! (Pantalone starts to turn around). Don't look around!

Pantalone: What's he look like? Big? (Brighella shakes his/her head) Huge? (Brighellashakes his/her head) Enormous?

Brighella: (Shaking his/her head) Tiny. (Winks at Arlecchino).

Arlecchino kneels down on the floor and puts the shoes under his/her knees so he /shelooks like a little person.

Pantalone: Tiny? Ha! I'll show him (Hits his/her fist into his/her palm). Ha!Brighella: He's too fast. He'd hit you but you'd never hit him back. He'd beat you blackand blue.

Pantalone: Where is he?

Brighella: Right behind you! Look!

Pantalone: (Swings around to see him but only sees Arlecchino on the other side of theInn looking like a little person) Where? All I can see is that tiny little Blockhead over there!

Brighella: That's him. He was right behind you and as you turned he sped back to there.You see how fast he is!

Pantalone: Blimey he is fast! I never saw him move! (Now very frightened) What do Ido?

Brighella: (holding out his hand) Quick! $100.00

Pantalone: (Fishing into his pocket for the money, giving up the money hurts him/her)Ohhhhhhh, here!

Brighella: That was close! You see what I mean about protection.

Pantalone: This is costing me a fortune! I'm off! (He/she starts to move off).

Brighella: Too late!

Pantalone: Too late?

Brighella: Too late. He's looking at you!

Pantalone: Who?

Brighella: Don't look!

Pantalone: Whats he look like?Big? (Brighella shakes his/her head) Huge? (BrighellaShakes his/her head) Well what?

Brighella: Ugly.

Pantalone:Ugly?

Brighella: Ugly!

Pantalone: How ugly?

Brighella: So ugly that with one look you'd turn inside out and he'd use you as a cloak!

Arlecchino pulls some faces and Brighella tries not to laugh.

Pantalone: That is ugly! (He/she fishes into his/her pocket, slaps a handful of moneyonto the bar. Then as he/she rushes out in terror...) Here! It's all I have!

Brighella: Thank you! Come again!

Arlecchino: So, all square?

Brighella: (Smiling) All square.

Arlecchino: How about something to eat?

Brighella: (Pointing to the door) Out! (Brighella cuffs or throws Arlecchino outBrighella stays on stage for the next scene).

Scene:Fit as a Fiddle

In the Inn, Il Capitano, the Captainenters stage talking to him/herself.

ll Capitano: (The imaginary conversation is between Il Capitano and a Lord/Lady. TheLord/lady's lines are shown in quotes and Il Capitano uses another voice and pose forthose lines).

How do you do Il Capitano?

I am well. Take a look at me, I am fit as a fiddle.

A fiddle? No!

No? (Flexing muscles) See this?!

0oooo, you are so big and strong you are as fit as a cello!

You are too kind. But I was being modest My Lord/ Lady .I am actually as fit as adouble bass, or a grand piano! (Thinks for a moment) Fitter than that even, I am as fit asan entire orchestra!

Yes you are!

And not just one orchestra, I am as fit as, two orchestras! No, three orchestras! Infact if ever there was a gathering of all the orchestras in the known world I would be as fitas that!

(Getting very carried aways)Ooooo Il Capitano you are so fit,so strong,so Orchestral inYour strength!

You are too kind.

Brighella: (Clearing his/her throat) Aaa-hem!

Il Capitano: (Getting a fright and screaming like a frightened child) Eeeeek!

Brighella: So sorry to frighten you, sir.

Il Capitano: (Lying) Frighten? Oh no, you didn't frighten me. Ha! (Shaking Brighellashand). I am Il Capitano, Captain of the Spanish-Italian-French Army.

Brighella: Which army?

Il Capitano: All of them!

Brighella: (Disbelieving) Reeaally?

Il Capitano: Of course! If you had ever seen me in battle, you would know why everyarmy wants me! In battle I am a sight to behold! The strongest of the strong. The mightiestof the mighty! The powerful of the powerful! Why, once in battle I caught a cannon ballwith one hand. Holding that cannon ball high like this (he/she mimes holding the cannonball), I said to it; You came to tear me apart but I caught you like a wounded bird! Back towhere you belong!. With the power of my mighty arm I hurled that cannon ball back tothe enemy. No less than a thousand soldiers were slain as the cannon ball crashed throughtheir lines, five generals fell at once, and the ball bounced all the way back to the fortress.The fortress was crushed into the finest dust. The dust swirled around like clouds of doomso thick that the sun could not penetrate it. (Now very, very carried away in his/herstory) Thus the earth beneath could produce no life. An army destroyed, a fortress crushedand a land made barren all because of the power of my arm!

Brighella: Boo!

Il Capitano: (Getting a fright and screaming like a frightened child) Eeeeek!

Brighella: (Claps mocking approval of Il Capitano's story). Bravo Il Capitano!

Il Capitano: (Not aware of the mockery bows grandly) At your service!

Pantalone: (Entering) Il Capitano!

Il Capitano: (Getting a fright and screaming like a frightened child) Eeeeek!

Pantalone: I need your help.

Il Capitano: Of course! (Bowing grandly) At your service.

Pantalone: I was taking my wife/ husband and children to the market, I stopped for aword with Brighella here and they're gone!

Il Capitano: Gone?

Pantalone: Yes gone.

Il Capitano: Leave it to me and I will find them! (Starts to move off to stage right).

Pantalone: Other way Il Capitano.

Il Capitano: Of course! (Bows grandly) To the rescue! (Exits to stage left).

Pantalone: Excellent! I'll arrange the details with the auctioneer at the market. (Exitsstage).

II Capitano: (Entering stage and making sure that Pantalone has gone). A drink sir!

Brighella: For courage?

Il Capitano: (Faking indignant) For courage?! (Trying to explain) Errr, to dull mycourage... because I am too courageous. That's right, I am too courageous... and it gets inthe way.

Brighella: Gets in the way of what?

Il Capitano: er... things! A drink! (Brighella serves a drink and Il Capitano drinks itquickly). Another! (Brighella serves a drink and Il Capitano drinks it quickly). Another!(Brighella serves a drink and Il Capitano drinks it quickly, he is now getting drunk).Another! (Brighella serves a drink and Il Capitano drinks it quickly, he is now drunk andis finding it hard to stand). Another?

Brighella: I think you have had enough.

Il Capitano: (Slurring his/her words) Enough?! I have just started! Gimme another...(starts to stagger) another... oh dear! (He/she falls over).

(As he/she falls over the Doctor enters).

Doctore: Oh dear, indeed!

Brighella: You might have a patient there Doctor.

Doctore: Hmmm let me see... my diagnosis is up wrong or possibly down right...certainly not upright. (Pause) It's an epidemic! (Doctore ambles off stage).

Brighella: (Slapping the Captains cheek) Wake up and pay up! (Brighella takes somemoney from Captains pocket) This will have to do. Let's get you out of here. (helps ordrags Il Capitano off stage).

Scene:The Market

Enter Pulchinella who talks to the audience.

Pulchinella: Welcome to the Market, I am Pulchinella the Auctioneer. (Looking aroundat the empty stage) Yes its not much of a market.There was a fruit seller but he got on mynerves so I gave him a good whack with my friend here (referring to the baton/club) andhe never came back. There was a butcher but he was a little annoying so I have him agood whack with my friend here too.Then there was a a wood turner,what a pain in thebackside he was! I had to introduce gim to my friend here five times before he decided not to come back. Anyway,this is the market, and I am the king/queen of the market. If it can be sold, I can sell it.And with my powers of persuasion (strokes the baton) the price isalways right!

Enter Columbina and Arlecchino from opposite sides of the stage. They meet at center.

Columbina: What are you doing here?

Arlecchino: My master is coming to the market, he/ she's going to

(Arlecchino is interrupted by Pantalone striding onto the stage and calling out toPulchinella)

Pantalone: I want to auction my family!

Pulchinella: Your what?

Pantalone: Family.

Columbia: His what?

Arlecchino: Family.

Pulchinella and Columbia: Family?

Pantalone and Arlecchino: Family.

Pulchinella and Columbia: Why?

Pantalone: Because I received this letter from my banker (He/she hold up the letter).Pulchinella: Oh dear not bad news I hope?

Pantalone: Bad? Terrible!

Pulchinella: Terrible? Oh dear... what does it say?

Pantalone: What does it say? (He/she can't remember so he/she reads the letter again).Actually it was good news.

Pulchinella: So why are you auctioning your family?

Pantalone: Just in case! And besides, I just paid $304.50 in protection to Brighella. Butwas it worth it! Oh yes! Every penny. The terrible company that man/woman keeps! Youshould see them! Enormous, tiny and ugly. (Shaking his/her head with the memory) Whata terrible lot.

Pulchinella: Let's back up a little. You're selling your family because you are rich and wellprotected?

Pantalone: Yes, but you can never be too sure.

Pulchinella: Of course. (Looking around) So where are they?

Pantalone: I don't know. The last I saw of them was when I went to Brighella's Inn.

Pulchinella: To get protection.

Pantalone: No to get a glass of wine. Cheapest in town you know.

Pulchinella: Of course. So where are they?

Pantalone: I have no idea.

Pulchinella: So how are you going to sell them?

Pantalone: By auction, you're an auctioneer aren't you?

Pulchinella: Well yes, (In a single breath) but I mean how are you going to sell yourfamily if they are not here to be auctioned and you don't know where they are?

Pantalone: (Scratching his/her head) I see your point.

Columbina: (To Arlecchino) I have an idea. Follow my lead (Stepping forward andspeaking to Pantalone). All is not lost.

Pantalone: It's not?

Columbina: (Drawing Arlecchino into the conversation) Right Arlecchino?

Arlecchino: (Following along but with no idea where the conversation is going) Oh yes.All is not lost.

Pantalone: Really?

Columbina: Really.

Arlecchino: All is not lost.

Pulchinella: So what is it that's not lost?

Columbina: Pantalone.

Pantalone: You've lost me.

Columbina: No, no you're not lost. You're right here.

Arlecchino: Yes right here!

Pantalone: And this is good?

Columbina: It's very good. (Explaining herself to the blank looks all around her). Youwant to auction your family but you cant because your family are not here so you have noone yo auction.Right?

Others: Right!

Columbina: But you are here.So why dont you audtion yourself?

Pantalone:Myself?

Arlechhino: Think of how much money you would make!

Pantalone: Money? Of course (tubbing his/her hands together).Money! Ill be rich!

Arlecchino: You are rich.

Pantalone: But you can never be too careful.

Columbina: Exactly.

Pantalone: So what are we waiting for?

Pulchinella: Bidders.

Columbina: Arlecchino, call everyone in.

Arlecchino: Of course. (He/she calls into the wings in a loud voice). Hey Doctore!Brighella! Capitano! Come over here! (Talking to Pantalone) Here they come!

Columbina: Quick make yourself look presentable!

Pantalone: (Striking a ridiculous pose that he/she thinks looks strong or beautiful)How's this?

Columbina: (Trying not to laugh) Perfect!

Arlecchino:( directing everyone onto the stage) Great you're here! Stand over here etcetc.

Brighelln: What's this all about?

Pulchinella: We're auctioning Pantalone.

Il Doctore: Why?

Pantalone: To make money of course.

Il Doctore: (Pretending to understand) Of course! For who?

Columbina: For Pantalone. He is auctioning him/ herself.

Il Capitano: I want in on the deal! Imagine how much I would make! A Captain of theSpanish-Italian-French Army must be worth a fortune! Auction me too!

Pulchinella: (Looking at Il Capitano and deliberately clearing his/her throat) Ahh hem!

Il Capitano: (Glumly) Then I can pay my debt to you.

Brighella: (Looking at Il Capitano and deliberately clearing his/her throat) Ahh hem!

Il Capitano: (More glumly) Then I can pay my debt to you too.

Il Doctore: As a Doctor I will be worth a considerable sum. I insist on being auctionedtoo.

Brighella: I'll never make money selling the cheapest wine in town, I'll auction myselftoo!

Columbina: Pulchinella,its a shame you have to be the auctioneer. Think of how muchyou could make if you were going under the hammer.

Pulchinella: Yes! Arlecchino,would you do me a favor?

Arlecchino: Of course, anything for you old friend!

Pulchinella: (Passing him/her the auctioneer hammer) Will you play the auctioneer?

Arlecchino: (Winking at Columbina) Of course! (He/she takes the hammer). Right youlot stand in a line. Strike your best pose for the bidders.

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all strike ridiculous poses.

Columbina: You all look so beautiful! (To Il Capitano) And strong!

Brighella, feel proud and continue to pose, trying to out do each other.

Arlecchino: Right, what bids do we have for Brighella?

Colurnbina: One penny!

Brighella: One penny?

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Arlecchino: Going once, going twice, going three times. (Raps the hammer down) Andsold to Columbina!

Brighella: What?!

Pantalone, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Columbina: (Handing over the penny to Brighella) Thank you.

Brighella looks shocked at the penny he/she hold in hand.

Arlecchino: Right, what bids do we have for Pantalone?

Colurnbina: One penny!

Pantalone: One penny?

Brighella, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Arlecchino: Going once, going twice, going three times. (Raps the hammer down) Andsold to Columbina!

Pantalone: What?!

Brighella, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Columbina: (Handing over the penny to Pantalone) Thank you.

Pantalone looks shocked at the penny he/she holds in hand.

Arlecchino: Right, what bids do we have for Il Doctore?

Columbina: One penny!Il Doctore: One penny?

Brighella,Pantalone,Il Capitano,Pulchinella,all laugh.

Arlecchino:Going once,going twice,going three times. (Raps the hammer down) AndSold to Columbina!

Il Doctore: What?!

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Capitano, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Columbina:( Handing over the penny to Pantalone) Thank you.

Il Doctore looks shocked at the penny he/she holds in hand.

Arlecchino: Right, what bids do we have for Il Capitano?

Columbina: One penny!

Il Capitano: One penny?

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Arlecchino: Going once, going twice, going three times. (Raps the hammer down) Andsold to Columbina!

Il Capitano: What?!

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, Pulchinella, all laugh.

Columbina: Handing over the penny to Il Capitano) Thank you.

Il Capitano looks shocked at the penny he/she holds in hand. He/she gives it to Brighella.Pulchinella takes it from Brighella.

Arlecchino: Right, what bids do we have for Pulchinella?

Columbina: One penny!

Pulchinella: One penny?

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, H Capitano, all laugh.

Arlecchino: Going once, going twice, going three times. (Raps the hammer down) Andsold to Columbina!

Pulchinella: What?!

Brighella, Pantalone, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, all laugh.

Columbina:( Handing over the penny to Pulchinella) Thank you.

Pulchinella looks shocked at the penny he/she holds in hand.

Arlecchino: (Dusting his/her hands) Well, that's that done! What now?

Columbina: I'm sure there's plenty of work for them to do. Take them away!

Arlecchino: Come on you lot! You've got a lot of work to do and I have some sleep tocatch up on!

Arlecchino leads them all out and they following him/her protesting loudly. Columbinawatches them go and laughs.

Columbina: And make sure you do a good job! (Laughs again,then realizes thatArlecchino was supposed to do the epilogue) Hey Arlecchino! What about the Epilogue?(Turns to the audience) Oh well,looks like its up to me again.Thats the end of the show.Ihope you enjoyed it.The story was a little crazy,but so were the charactersso I guessthats OK.Im Columbina,thank you for watching! (She bows grandly). Now you can clap!

All enter stage and bow grandly,wave to the audience and run off stage.

THE END

List of Props.

Expensive Wine bottle - Arlecchino (Scene: Not Feeling Myself)Letter - Tartaglia (Scene: Tartaglia delivers a letter)Whistle - Tartaglia (Scene: Tartaglia Delivers a Letter)Club/baton - Pulchinella (a cut down pool noodle is ideal)Bottle of Wine - Brighella (Scene: Inn Trouble)A coat, hat and shoes - Brighella (Scene: Inn Trouble)Button on a piece of string - Arlecchino (Scene: Inn Trouble)Wine glass - Brighella (Scene: Inn Trouble)Tea Towel - Brighella (Scene: Inn Trouble)Pennies - Pulchinella, Il Doctore, Il Capitano, Pantanlone, Brighella (Scene: The Market)

Set-The only suggested is a tall table or wine barrel on wheels for the Inn and Market scenes.