68 69IllustratIons of lIve MusIc & WeddIng rIngs by Wesley MerrItt.

The art of bulls**t a catalogue and field guide for navigating what is obviously,

100 percent, totally, and literally an age of bulls**t.

s e r i o u s b u l l s * * t. . . l i v e M u s i c

I recently found myself at a guns n’ roses concert with a stranger holding his phone directly above my head. His arm kept tiring, then dipping, then tapping my hair. sometimes it didn’t just tap. It lingered. I looked back. He put his arm down. I turned. He put it directly to the right of my face. trapped, I looked back again; after, the phone returned to its perch not quite above my head. My glare and his arm positioning tangoed like this for the duration of axl crooning alongside his feathered-hair skeletons. the tickets were free. they were not worth it.

I think about that man often, like I do the one I saw snapchat a louis cK show. Why did he go?and why did all these people go to this rock show if they were just going to be still instead of jump? and to

this soul show if they were just going to be still instead of dance?and really, why do I keep going, just to be somehow jostled by these unmoving people or entrapped in a

seat? and lied to about the start time? and tricked into believing they would play something beyond a cover-band-quality rendition of their own album (since we all paid them nothing for the album but about rM200 for this)? and to have this frustration calcify in my shoulders? and to be left feeling like the only way to enjoy this is to pretend it is the transcendent experience I came for? and to act out that lie by doing what only someone actually finding transcendence would do in order to remember it forever: lift up my phone and take a photo?

oh, look, a text!—nate Hopper

Ways to counter it1. Hold your breath. the reduced amount of carbon dioxide helps lower stress levels. take a normal breath in, then exhale three-quarters of it, before holding the remainder for about 60 seconds. this relaxes your relieving stick so you can expel your bladder juice freely.

2. Yoga. a big part of bashful bladder syndrome stems from anxiety and stress. practising yoga can help to address these issues, thus alleviate

your restroom problem as well. Just don’t doa downward dog in front of the urinal.

3. Gradual Exposure Therapy. try using different toilets under different circumstances in different degrees of difficulty. studies by the International paruresis association show that more than 80 percent of sufferers succeed in overcoming their shy bladder problem withthis method.

D i D yo u k n o w ?

• Apersonspendsanaverageofthreemonthsof their lifetime sitting on a toilet.

• InWilkes-Barre,Pennsylvania,itwasreportedlast year that a woman murdered her husband after finding out that he had forgotten to put the toilet seat back down. When asked, she claimed that she felt no remorse as she had already warned him several times that if he didn’t do as he was told, she would stab him in his “balls, ass and face”. He was knifed 47 times.

• Almostabillionpeoplearoundtheworlddefecate in the open due to the lack of proper toilets.

• Yourmobilephonehas20timesmorebacteriathan your toilet seat.

• AncientRomanshadatoiletgodcalledcrepitus.

b a s h f u l b l a D D e r sy n D r o M e

also known as paruresis, this is a phobia where you are unable to urinate in the realor imaginary presence of others, such as in a public restroom. nearly 220 millionpeople suffer from this condition worldwide and usually struggle with social anxietydisorder as well.

b u t i s i t b u l l s * * t ?

Words by sIM WIe boon. IllustratIon by lIpWeI.source: InternatIonal paruresIs assocIatIon, paruresis.org , shybladdersyndrome.org , webmd.com , empirenews.net , betterhealth.vic.gov.au , who.it and scotsman.com

Manual Manual

could the information be easily falsified?

Is it a view widely adopted within the last few years by people who aren’t all that analytic?

Is it opaque, vague, unquantified?

does it employ a word or phrase that has recently entered the lexicon?

Is thomas friedman quoting his cabdriver again?

does the word handcrafted appear anywhere on its label?

Have you been staring at it for the last few minutes, squinting, furrowing your brow?

Is it being spoken by an authority—self-proclaimed or actual?

a magazine, for instance?

s e r i o u s b u l l s * * t. . . w e D D i n g r i n g s

see this ring on my finger? Means I’m married. now: watch as I take off the ring—you watching?—and place it gently on the table in front of me. Here’s the crazy part: I’m still married. I still love my wife. I’m still fully committed to and cognisant of our kids and our mortgage and the whole grown-up nightmare we call our life. I’m still not interested in having sex with anyone else, and even if I were, the fact that I could simply remove the ring (as demonstrated) and pretend to be single (or filthy rich or an astronaut) makes the whole sordid topic of stepping out a little beside the point here. so if a wedding ring doesn’t really mean anything (beyond symbolising that I’m married, which I hope is the least interesting thing about me), and it doesn’t really do anything (other than threaten to catch on the corner of a countertop and tear off a finger, à la Jimmy fallon), what the hell is it good for? beats me. but I’d better put mine back on. the wife’ll be home any minute, and I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.—rIcHard dorMent

t h e s * * t M e n ag e r i e(in descending order of odiousness).

Draining the main drainIn some parts, it is called a restroom, others a toilet and, in the philippines, a comfort

room; but however it’s named, this often-forgotten facility is a cornerstone of the fabric of our society. a tourist begins to judge a country that he or she is visiting by its loo. toilets trace their roots to the third millennium bc, which was known as the age of

cleanliness, when sewers were invented in several parts of the world.

1. Flush. there really is no reason why you shouldn’t do this. ever.

2. Be a ninja. get in, do your business, get out. Why would you hang out in a toilet?

3. If you must acknowledge another male occupant, a gentle, almost inperceptable nod, is the only thing that’s allowed.

4. Clearing of nose, throat and flatulence are the only noises permitted within the confines of an (empty) restroom. growling, howling and purring are not.

5. Wash your hands. your mum was right.

6. Aim. unless you’re a five-year-old, these last decades should have taught you how to point your dingle dangle in the right direction. If you’re too inebriated to aim and pee, perhaps you’ve had a little too much to drink already.

1. Engage in eye contact. It could lead to a proposition to engage in combat. or sexual activity.

2. Engage in conversation. not with your friend, brother, lover or even Jesus himself.

3. Touch. If we don’t encourage talking, why would you even consider touching?

4. Pull your trousers all the way down to the ankles. It’s just weird, and that’s what the fly is for. We get it—it’s comfortable—but really, if comfort were to always come first, we’d all be in onesies.

5. Flail your hands. tissue paper and those cool dyson hand dryers are there for a reason. Jazz hands in a toilet? next you'll be doing the splits in the supermarket.

6. Allow your gaze to wander, especially to another man’s nether regions. your gaze should be fixed. straight ahead. always. even if elvis walks in, dressed as a baboon.stay focused.

D o D o n ’ t