MalcolmintheMiddle

“TheRatPack”by

T.AlexMiller

T.AlexMiller

5916N.LasVirgenesRd.,#679Calabasas,CA91302818-880-8761

2.

FADEIN:

SATELLITEIMAGEOFTHEEARTHINSPACE

MALCOLM(V.O.)Abouttheonlyman-madethingyoucanseefromspace,myteachertellsus,istheGreatWallofChina.Look,thereitis.

CLOSEUPOFGREATWALLINSATELLITEIMAGE

CUTTO:

INTMALCOLM’SBEDROOM-NIGHT

MALCOLM(infrontofslideprojector)

Personally,Ithinktheremustbeplentyofplacesyoucanseefromspace.Thehomeimprovementcentermydadgoestowheneverhistestosteroneflaresup,forexample.

SLIDEOFHOMEBASE-LIKESTORESHOWINGHALLEAVINGWITHTONSOFJUNK

MALCOLMLookatthatplace.Howcouldyoumissitevenfrom100milesup?Andhere’smymom’sgrocerystore...

SLIDEOFGIANTSUPERWAL-MARTTYPEPLACE

MALCOLMIswearyouneedagolfcarttogetaroundthisplace.TellmylittlebrotherDeweywe’regoingthereandhereactslikehe’sbeingtakentothevettobeputdown.

EXT.MALCOLM’SHOUSE-DAY

Lois,KEYSINHANDasifpreparedtoleave,iswatchingDeweyfleeingdowntheblockscreaming.

DEWEYIdon’twanttogotothehotsweatystore!Idon’twanttogotothehotsweatystore!

(CONTINUED)

LOIS(exasperated)

OhDewey!Alrightthen,staywithdad.Malcolm!Reese!Comehelpmomatthestore!

INT-HOUSEATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

ReeseandMalcolm,bothsweatingprofusely,arehidingintherafters.

INT-MALCOLM’SBEDROOM-NIGHT

BacktotheSLIDESHOW

MALCOLM(tocamera)

MyolderbrotherFrancissaysyoucansee,onagoodday,ourmother’sragefromspace.

SLIDEOFLOISSCREAMING

MALCOLMThat’satasoccergame,andnoneofuswereevenplaying.

(tocamera)AllIcansayisthis:IfIevergrowtobeamanwithoutsevereemotionalscarring,it’llbebecauseofmydad’sheroicallypassiveresistancetotheruleofourmother.

SLIDEOFHALWITHBAGONHISHEADWITH“WHOME?”HANDGESTURES

CUTTO:

MAIN TITLES

ACT ONE

FADEIN:

INT-MALCOLM’SCLASSROOM

AKrelboyneisconcludingareportonBurma

2.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

KRELBOYNE...andBurmaisnowknownasMyanmar.InadditiontomyPowerpointpresentation,IhaveahaikuandarapsongI’vewrittenaboutmysubject.Whichwouldyouprefer?

MALCOLM(tocamera)

You’relucky.ThelastkidreadaPetrachansonnetabouttermites.

CAROLINEOh,don’tworryaboutentertainmentJeremy.Thatwasafinereport.Takeyourseat.Malcolm?

MalcolmtakesJeremy’splaceinfrontoftheclass

MALCOLM(reading)

Stripmalls,big-boxretailersandchainoutlets:TherapingofAmerica’smainstreet.Ahem.

CarolineandtheKrelboynesLOOKHORRIFIEDaswe

CUTTO:

EXT-SCHOOLYARD-DAY

Reeseisinafierceargument,nosetonose,withanugly,red-headedkidwitharednecklookabouthim

REESE...countrymusicstinks,theDukesofHazzardwasthedumbestshowever,and,andHondakicksJohnDeere’sbutt!

DUNCANOhyeah?

REESEYeah!

DUNCAN(steppingback)

Well,blessedbethepeacemaker,Reese.Let’ssettlethislikemen.

3.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

REESEYoumeanrollaroundonthegrounduntiloneofusgetsabloodynoseandyells“I’mabutt-knocker!?”

DUNCANHellno.Ichallengeyoutoarat-shootingcompetitionthisSaturdayatthejunkyard.

REESE(deflated)

Awhat?

CUTTO:

INT-MALCOLM’SBEDROOM-NIGHT

MALCOLMAwhat?

REESEAratshootingcompetition.

MALCOLMAwhat?

REESEStopsayingthat.

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Idon’tthinkReeseknowswhathe’sgottenhimselfinto.

(toReese)Youshould’vesettledforthebloodynose.

REESEIneedagun.

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Somehow,Iknewitwouldcometothissomeday.

(toReese)Areyounuts,Reese?Youknowhowmomfeelsaboutguns.EvenBBguns.Popguns.It’snotevenworthasking.

4.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

REESEWhataboutdad?

Malcolmshootshima“yeah,right”look

REESE(CONT’D)Well,whatamIsupposedtodo?

MALCOLMWhatifyoudon’tshowup?

REESEDuncansaidhe’d...holdon,Steviewroteitdownforme.

(consultingpaperscrap)“HuntmedowntotheendsoftheEarthandusemyflayedandmutilatedcarcassasafloormatinhisdad’spickup.”What’s‘flayed?’

MALCOLMYoudon’twanttoknow.IdunnoReese.Itreallysoundslikesomethingweshouldmaybesortakindatalktodadabout.

CUTTO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT

Halistryingtofixaweedeater.reeseandmalcolmlookon.

HALOh,hiboys.Justalittletroublewiththeol’weedeaterhere.IthinkI’veaboutgotit.

Halpullsthestartercordontheweedeater,whichpromptlySHOOTSOUTA10-FOOTBLUEFLAME,INCINERATINGAFAKEPARROTsittinginanornatecage

HAL(CONT’D)Oh.Damn.Thatwasyourmother’s,wasn’tit?

Theboysnodfunereally

HAL(CONT’D)Oh,well.I’vebeenmeaningtohirealandscaperanyway.

5.CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Crabgrassissoproblematic.What’sup,boys?Whatcanol’dadhelpyouwithtonight?

CUTTO:

INT-GARAGE-MOMENTSLATER

HAL(V.O.)(worried)

Ohboy.Youknowhowyourmomfeelsabout...

(veryquietly)...guns.

CUTTO:

INT-LOIS&HAL’SBEDROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

LoisispainfullyTWEEZINGHEREYEBROWS

LOIS(movinghairawayfromherear,cockingherheadasiftolisten)

SFX:BIONICEARSOUNDDidsomeonesay“guns?”

CUTTO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT

HALOntheotherhand,I’msureshewouldn’twant,letmeseethatnoteagain...hoo-boy...allthistohappentoyoufromredneckboy.Hmmm...thisisoneofthosemanlydecisionswemenhavetomakeonoccasion.

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Movingupthechainofcommand...

HALWe’dbetterseemomaboutthis.

CUTTO:

6.CONTINUED:

HAL(CONT’D)

INT-KITCHEN-MOMENTSLATER

Halandtheboysenterfromgarage

HALHoney?

CUTTO:

INT-LIVINGROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Loisisgoingthroughastackofmagazines

LOISA-ha!Hereitis.

HAL(O.S.)Honey?

LOISForgetaboutit.

HALAboutwhat?

LOISGettingagun.

MalcolmandReeseexchangeonlyslightlyamazedglances

HAL(doinghisbestmanlyimitation)

ButweareAmericanmen...thatamendmentintheconstitution,theN-Double-A-CP,ourcoon-huntingforebears...

LOIS(shovingaTIMEathim)

Lookatthesestatistics.Lookhowmanypeoplewerekilledbygunsinthiscountrylastyear.

HALIt’sjustalittle...targetpracticetosaveReese’shonor...

7.

(CONTINUED)

DEWEY(V.O.)(helpfully)

They’reshootingratsinthejunkyardwithrednecks!

LOISRednecks!Rats!Guns!Junkyards!Hal,haveyoulostyourmindcompletely?Why,justyesterdayReesewasindiapers,playingwithblocks,spittingupCreamofWheat.

REESEI’m13mom.

MALCOLMIfhewereJewishhe’dbegettingbarmitzvah’d.IfhewereaPenanindian,he’dbegoingthroughthepainfulriteofmanhood.Inmostcultures,boysof13...

LOISMalcolm,inmostculturesboysof13alsoknowhowtofeedthemselves,managetheirownpersonalhygieneandsleepthroughthenightwithoutbeingscaredbytheGungaDevil.YouthinkReeseisreadytohandleartillery?

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Shehasapoint.Reesestillsleepswiththefoamturtlehetookbathswithasaninfant.

LOISBesides,whatdidthoseratseverdotous?

CUTTO:

INT-MALCOLM’SBEDROOM-LATER

REESEThey’rerats.Theydeservetodie.

MALCOLM(helpfully)

Theyspreaddisease.

8.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

REESETheylooknasty.

HalENTERS

HAL...andthey’realwaysbitingyourgenitalswhenyou’rebeingheldcaptivebytheViet-Cong.

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Uh-oh.Wheneverdadharkensbacktohisfictitiousdaysin‘Nam,itmeanshe’sgoingaroundmom.

HALHoo-boy!ThestoriesIcouldtell,butmythroat,it’ssoparched!Dewey,beasportandgograbdadacanofsodaoutofthefridge.

DEWEY(suspicious)

OK,butdon’tsayanythingcooluntilIgetback.

HALReese,wedon’thavemuchtimesohere’sthedeal.We’regoingtothisratshootonSaturday,butwecan’tletmomorDeweyknowaboutit.

REESEWhy?

MALCOLMBecauseDeweywillblababoutitandthenmomwillhavetokillus.

HALIt’snotpretty,buthe’sright.Weneedtodeviseaplantogetyouagun,alittlepraticeandanalibiforSaturday.Nowoman’sgoingtostopmefromshowingmyboysthisimportantriteofAmericanmanhood.Malcolm,putyourbrainingearandthinkonthis.Ihavetogorubmom’sfeet.

DeweyENTERS

9.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

DEWEYAllIcouldfindwasthisstringcheesestick.

HAL(takingit)

ThanksDewey,thanksalot.

HalEXITS

DEWEYYoucan’tdrinkstringcheese,canyou?

(followingHalout)Dad?Don’ttrytodrinkthatstuff.You’llchoke.

MALCOLMThisisbig,Reese.Dad’sinwayoverhishead.

REESEYou’reright.Weneedhelp.

MALCOLMLikeasecretweaponorsomething.

Thelightbulbgoeson,theypointateachother

REESE&MALCOLMFrancis!

END OF ACT ONE

10.CONTINUED:(2)

(CONTINUED)

ACT TWO

INT-MARLINACADEMY-DAY

FrancisisonthehallwaypayphonetalkingtoMalcolm

FRANCISWow.Thisisaverydelicatesituation.You’vegotissuesofmaritalfaithfulnessandhonestygoingheadtoheadwiththeancientneedsofmentodestroythingstoprovetheirmanhood.

MALCOLMIknow.ButIdon’tthinkdad’sdadeverdidthiswithhim.

FRANCISSoyouneedguns,eh?Letmecheckwithanexpertandgetbacktoyou.Inthemeantime,youmadetherightdecisionkeepingDeweyinthedark.Keepitthatway.

CUTTO:

INT-SPANGLER’SOFFICE-LATER

SPANGLERWell,mymottohasalwaysbeen“biggerisbetter.”Youwanttogetthejobdone,goformaximumfirepower.Isupposethey’dfrownonbazookas,buttherearewaysaroundthat...

CUTTO:

INT-SPORTINGGOODSSTORE-DAY

Hal,MalcolmandReesearecheckingoutguns.withsomehard-drivinghillbillyrock,weseeamontageof...

-Haltryingonafluorescentorangehat

-Reesewithholstersstrappedonplayingquick-drawwithpistols

-Malcolmstrugglingtoholdanenormousrifleuptohisshoulder

-HalgoingovertheSlimJimandjerkyselection

11.CONTINUED:(3)

(CONTINUED)

-storeownershowingthemsecretcabinetwithhandgrenades,machineguns,etc.Halnodding“no”

CUTTO:

INT-LUCKYAIDEPHARMACY-CRAIG’SOFFICE-DAY

CRAIGhasaTINYPISTOL,whichheispracticingwithinthemirror.LOISENTERSsuddenly,causingCraigtoDISCHARGETHEPISTOL,whichtakesoutthemirror.

CRAIGLois!Forgod’ssakesdon’twalkinonmelikethat!

LOISCraig,whatthehellareyoudoing?Isthatarealgun?Putitdown!

Butthegunisstuckonhisfatfingers.Hestrugglestogetitoffandfails.Itfiresagain,takingoutthelightandplungingthemintodarkness.

LOIS(CONT’D)(screams)

Craig!IswearifyoukillmeI’llkillyou!I’vegotkidstoraiseandahusbandwhoneedsmetoshavehisback.Putthedamngundownandfindalight.

CRAIGLois?LoisIcan’tseeyou.

LOISI’mrighthereCraig,abouttostabyouintheheartwithaletteropener.

CRAIGLois,nowrelaxLois.I’veputthegundown...

LOISGood.

CRAIGButit’sstillstucktomyfinger.Ican’tgetitoff.

LOISThat’snotsogood.Weneedsomebutter,somekindoflubricant.

12.CONTINUED:

(MORE)(CONTINUED)

Ican’tseeyou,dammit.Icansmellyouthough.Whatthehellcologneisthatyou’rewearing?It’smakingmyeyeswater.

CRAIGLois,eventhoughyou’rereallyangrywithmerightnow,Iwantyoutoknowthat,that...

LOISCraig,ifyousayanythingabouthowyou’vefantasizedaboutbeingaloneinthedarkwithme,sohelpmeI’llsuffocateyouwithanadultdiaper.Wasthatwhatyouweregoingtosay?

CRAIG(afterasilence)

No.Iwasjustgoingtosaythatum,thatIwantyoutogetaguntoo.

LOISWhat?!

CRAIGForsecurity.Therehavebeenrobberies.

LOISCraig,youknowmyprocedurewhenwegetrobbed.Wehandoverthemoneyandfilloutinsuranceforms.IfyouthinkI’mgoingtoturnintoCalamityJanetodefendtheLuckyAide,you’redumberthanIthought.

(beat)Craig?Craigwhereareyou.Craigyou’dbetter...

CUTTO:

EXT-SPORTINGGOODSSTORE-DAY

CraigfurtivelyenterswearinganOVENMITToveronehand

CUTTO:

13.CONTINUED:

LOIS(CONT'D)

INT-SPORTINGGOODSSTORE-MOMENTSLATER

Inthebackroom,oneoftheguysisfinishingCUTTINGTHETRIGGERGUARDOFFCraig’sgunwithahacksaw.PlentyofGOODOL’BOYSarestandingaround,enjoyingthisimmensely.

GUNSHOPGUYWell,thatoughtadoit.Isuggestwemoveyouintoamoremanlysizegun,though,mister.Toldyouthislittlepeashooterweren’tnogoodforaboyyoursize.

CRAIGSure,sure.I’djustliketogotestafewoutback.

GUNSHOPGUYOK.It’salittlebusytoday,whatwiththeratshoottournamentcominguptomorrow.

CUTTO:

EXT-SPORTINGGOODSSTORE-OUTBACK-DAY

Hal,MalcolmandReeseareBLAZINGAWAYattargets,andnotdoingverywell.

CraigjoinsthemwithanENORMOUSHANDGUN

HALOh,hiCraig.Nice,er,cannonyou’vegotthere.

CRAIGThanksHal.Whatareyouguysgettingreadyfor,aninvasion?

HALHaha.Yeah,kinda.

CRAIGIsurewouldn’twantLoistoknowaboutallthis.She,uh,shedoesn’tlikegunsverymuch,youknow.

HAL,MALCOLM,REESEYeah,weknow!

14.

(CONTINUED)

CRAIGSo,youguysgettingreadyfortheol’ratshoottomorrow?Can’twaitforthatonemyself.MindifIsqueezeoffacouple?

Heshootshisgun,whichKNOCKSHIMONHISBUTT.Theboystrytohelphimupbutfail.Theylethimdoithimself.Theywatch,amazed,asherollsaround,tryingtofindtherightanglefromwhichhecanrise.Finally,hegivesupandleansback.

CRAIG(CONT’D)Youknow,IthinkI’lljustresthereamoment.

MALCOLMYou’regoingtotheratshoot?

CRAIGUh,sure.Wouldn’tmissit.

HALListen,Craig,youcannot,underanycircumstances,mentionthistoLois.

CRAIGOh,no,ofcoursenot,Hal.Never.

WeseesomethingFORMINCRAIG’SBEADYEYESastheboysexchangeWORRIEDGLANCESandwecutto...

INT-MARLINACADEMY-DAY

Francisisonthephonewiththeboys

FRANCISThat’samajorbreachofsecurity,havingCraiginonit.Youblewit.

MALCOLMBut...

FRANCISEnough!Youmustlisten,andlistenclosely.First,youmustcontaintheCraigsituation.Todothat,youmustexploithisgreatestweakness.

MALCOLMWhichis...?

15.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

FRANCISHehasacrushonmom,incaseyouhadn’tnoticed.

MALCOLMReally?Blech!

REESEReally?Disgusting!

FRANCISWhatever.Whoarewetoexplainthepassionsofmen?

MALCOLMSowhatdowedo?

FRANCISOneword:Blackmail.Letmetellyouhowtosetitup...

CUTTO:

INT-HAL&LOIS’BEDROOM-NIGHT

HalisfurtivelyREADINGaguns&ammomagazinewhenLoisfinishesinthebathroomandenters.HequicklySTUFFSTHEMAGAZINEUNDERTHEPILLOW.WeseeLoisisinthemidstofcoloringherhairandiswearingaDYE-STAINEDT-SHIRTANDRATTYSWEATS.Shedoesnotlookgoodtous,buthalhasotherideas.

HALMygod!

LOISWhat?!DidImissaspot?

HALYou...sexysexy...comehither.Mmmm...thatT-shirt!

LOIS(mildlytouched)

Hal,unlessyouwantmetostainyourchesthairchestnutbrown,Ithinkyou’dbetterwaituntilIrinse.

HalWHIMPERS

16.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

LOIS(CONT’D)Besides,I’mstillangryatyoufortalkingtotheboysaboutguns.Nextthingyouknowyou’llhavethemsmokingcigarsandeatingbeefjerkyforbreakfast.

CUTTO:

INT-GARAGE-NIGHT-FLASHBACK

HalishandingCHEAPCIGARSouttoMalcolmandReese.

HALNowwaituntilwe’reatthedumpbeforeyoulightthese.Mygodifyourmotherknewaboutthis...

REESEI’vegotthebeefjerky...

MALCOLMBreakfastofchampions...

CUTTO:

INT-HAL&LOIS’BEDROOM-NIGHT

HALUh,nohoney.Whew,that’sdisgusting!

LOIS(returningtobathroom)

KeepitthatwayHal.Orwe’llstarthavingthatvasectomyconversationagain.

ALOOKOFTERRORcrosseshal’sface.HeGETSOUTTHEMAGAZINEandspinscircleslookingforaplacetohideit.Hefinallyshovesitunderabureau.hethenstartsspinning,grippinghishead,tearinghishairashestruggleswithwhattodo.Finally,heboltsfromtheroom.

CUTTO:

INT-MALCOLM’SROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

Halentersfrenzied,looksaround.

HALWhere’sDewey?

17.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

MALCOLMInthebathroomtryingtogetgumoutofhishair.

HALGood.Quick,handoverthebeefjerkyandcigars.

ReeseandMalcolmGROAN

HAL(CONT’D)Noneofthat!It’sjust,wecanmaybepulloffthegunthing,butnotthewholeshootingmatchwiththecigarsandjerky.It’stoomuch,it’stoomuch.

Holdinghisheadinhishandsagain,HalstartsSPINNINGINANGUISHwhiletheboyslookonhorrified.WhenHalstartsbumpingintothewallslikeamothinalightshade,theyhurriedlygatherupthecigarsandjerkyandhandthemover.Deweyenters,soHalstuffsthebootydownhispants,failingtonoticetheenormousPATCHOFHAIRmissingfromthesideofDewey’shead.

DEWEYDad?CanSpidermanbeatAquaman?

(offHal’sanguishedlook)Nevermind.

HALGoodnightboys

HalexitsandencountersLoisinthehallway,whohasaddedaMUDMASKtoherdyinghairandlooksquiteafright.AfrightenedHalFALLSDOWNTHESTAIRS.Weseetheboys’LOOKSOFALARMaswegoto

END OF ACT TWO

18.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

ACT THREE

LoisandtheboysaregatheredaroundHal,sprawledatthebottomofthestairs.Dazedbutunhurt,HalisbabblingsomethingaboutaconfessionwhenLoisseestheCIGARSANDJERKYSPILLINGOUTOFHISPANTS.

LOISWhat’sthis?!WhatISTHIS?!WhatelseisinthereHal?

Shestartsriflingthroughhispants,unzippinghim.stilldazed,halismorefocusedonthisunexpectedpleasurethanthetroublehe’sin.

HALBoys,you’dbettergotoyourroom.Mom’sgettingfrisky.

Thisistoogood;theboysaregoingnowhere.

LOISIamNOTgettingfrisky,Hal!ButIhaveakeennose,andmykeennosetellsmethatcigarsandbeefjerkyhiddeninmyhusband’spantscanmeanonlyonething...

SPANGLERAfullyrealizedandvibrantmanofouragewhowantsthebestforhissons.

AlleyesaretowardTHEFRONTDOOR,whereweseeFrancisandSpangler.

LOISWhatthe...?Francis,whatareyoudoinghome?AndCommandantSpangler...

SPANGLERWhenIheardaboutthebigratshootfromFrancishere,Icouldn’tkeepaway.

LOISTheratshoot?!ButIthoughtIsaid...

LoisturnsaroundtoconfrontHalandtheboys,buttheyhaveswiftlyandsilentlyDISAPPEARED.

19.CONTINUED:(2)

(CONTINUED)

SPANGLERThatwasamazing.It’sliketheyenteredanotherdimensionorsomething.Beusefulinwar.

INT-HOUSEATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

HalhasjoinedtheboysintheRAFTERS.TheyareallPANTINGandSWEATING.

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Hellhathnowrathlikemomdeceived.Wecouldonlyhopethat,somehow,Franciscouldsmoothitoverbeforewesweatedtodeathintheattic.

DEWEYThere’sabatonmybutt!There’sabattonmybutt!

MALCOLM(tocamera)

Oralldiedofrabies.

INT-HOUSEFOYER-SIMULTANEOUS

FRANCISMom,wecameheretonightbecausethere’ssomethingveryimportantatstake.Somethingbiggerthanyourneedtoalwaysberightandhaveyourway.

LOISWhatdoyoumean?Idon’talwayshavetoberightorhavemyway!

WehearHOOTSOFLAUGHTERfromabove.LoisandFrancislookup.

LOIS(CONT’D)Whatthehell...?

SPANGLER(puttinghisarmonhershoulder)

Francis,gogetmeaproteindrinkofsomesort.YourmotherandIneedtospeakinprivateforamoment.

20.CONTINUED:(3)

(CONTINUED)

LOIS(offSpangler’shookonherneck)

Oh,no,really,it’sOK.Stay,Francis.

SPANGLERGo,Francis.

LOISListentoyourmotherFrancis.

SPANGLERListentoyourcommandingofficerFrancis.

CLOSEONFrancis’anguishedface,then

JUMPCUTTO:

INT-HOUSEATTIC-SIMULTANEOUS

WeseeFrancis,nowPANTINGandSWEATING,hasjoinedtherestintherafters.

CUTTO:

INT-LIVINGROOM-SIMULTANEOUS

SpanglerandaveryuncomfortablelookingLoisaresittingonthecouch.Weentermid-conversation

SPANGLER...sowhenthewritersoftheconstitutionalamendmentsthoughtabouttherighttobeararms...

DISSOLVETO:

INT-LIVINGROOM-MOMENTSLATER

Spanglerstilltalking,LoislookingalittleCALMER

SPANGLER...inCanada,wheregunsareveryhardtoget,manymenareeffeminate,evengay.Ruggedland,not-so-ruggedguys.

DISSOLVETO:

21.CONTINUED:

INT-LIVINGROOM-MOMENTSLATER

Spanglerstilltalking,LoislookingPRETTYINTERESTED.Weseeshe’sidlyplayingwithSPANGLER’SHOOK.

SPANGLER...andwhenIfirstfeltthatcoldsteelinmyhand,thenfeltthepowerofthegun’skick,IknewI’dbecomeaman.Shortlyafter,Ibecameamaninanotherway...

LOIS(standingabruptly)

Ok,I’veheardenough.Theycangotothedamnratshoot.

SoundsofHOOTINGandCHEERINGfromabove

LOIS(CONT’D)ButI’mgoingtoo.

TheHOOTINGSTOPS

CUTTO:

INT-LIVINGROOM-MOMENTSLATER

HalandtheboysareLINEDUPasifinamilitarydrill.TheyarestillSWEATINGPROFUSELYfrombeingupintherafters.LoisandSpanglerarePACINGinfrontofthem.

LOISIdon’tunderstandthisanymorethanyouunderstandmyneedforwindowtreatmentsandpotpourri,butI’llallowitifnoonegetshurt.

SPANGLERRemembermen,neverputaloadedgunuptosomeone’sheadasajoke.

LOISHal,ifanyonegetsshot,Iwillkillyou.

SPANGLERRemember,don’tpullthetrigger.Squeezeit,likeyourlover’snipple.

22.

(CONTINUED)

TheyalllookathimwithAMAZEDDISGUSTaswe

CUTTO:

EXT-JUNKYARD-DAY

Hal,Lois,Spangler,Francis,Malcolm,ReeseandDeweyarecaughtinaSLO-MOHIGHPLAINSDRIFTERSHOTastheyapproachthejunkyard.TheyareHEAVILYARMEDandwearlooksofgrimdeterminationontheirfaces.Aftertheypass,weseeCraigappear,deckedoutinsomekindofMATRIXOUTFIT.Hehasseverallargegunsstrappedtohisbody,radshades,boots,theworks.Helookslikeanidiot.

LOIS(turning,offCraig)

Oh...my...god!

EveryoneturnstoseetheamazingspectacleofCraig,whohaseffectedhisbestClintEastwoodpokerface.Theystandinaline,Craigstopsyardsawayfromthem.Silence,onlythewind.AloneTRASHBAGtumblespast.Itlookslikeashowdown.Thecameraplaysacrossallthefaces,alltheeyes.Suddenly,asmallTRAILBIKESCREAMSUPANDSKIDSTOAHALTbetweenthem.Thehelmetcomesoff.ItisDuncan.

DUNCANHeyReese!

WeseeDuncan’sLIPSMOVING,butbecausehe’sREVVINGHISENGINE,wecan’thearathing.Hetakesoffagain.

REESEDidanyonecatchanyofthat?

MALCOLMIthinkhewassayingsomethingaboutyourflayedandmutilatedcarcass.

(tocamera)Somethingaboutallthisismakingmelongforthesafetyofourcouch.

EXT-JUNKYARDSHOOTINGAREA-DAY

Alean,mean-lookingguyinaJohnDeerecap(DUNCAN’SDAD),isaddressingthecrowdofheavilyarmedpeople.

DUNCAN’SDADRemember,whoevergetsthemostratsisthewinner.

23.CONTINUED:

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

Ifyouhitone,singoutandourspotterwiththebinocularswillconfirmthekill.Ifanyonegetshit,jabasmokeintothewoundtacauterizeit.Hopefullythatwon’tbenecessary.

MALCOLMHopefully?

HALUm,s’cuseme?

DUNCAN’SDADYeah?

HALHowlongdowehave?

AmidgeneralSNICKERINGathisignorancefromthecrowd

DUNCAN’SDADWhy,untilFreeBird’sover,ofcourse!OK,marksmen...

(glaringatLOIS)...andwomen,loadyourgunsandgetinposition.

TotheopeningstrainsofLYNYRDSKYNYRD’SFREEBIRD(live),weseethemtakingpositionswiththeirguns.

MONTAGE:shotinOCCASIONALslo-mo,melodramaticwar-filmstyle,WITHFREEBIRDGUITARPARTSBLARING

LOIS:GETTINGKNOCKEDOVERasshedischargesgun

HAL:followingsuit

REESE:GRIMLYAIMINGasDuncanBUMPSHISARM,causinghimtoHITALOW-FLYINGSEAGULL,whichLANDSONCraig,causinghimtoDISCHARGEHISGUNintheair,whichinturnTAKESOUTAFLOCKOFBIRDS,whichRAINDOWNuponthem.

DUNCAN:ExpertlyPICKINGOFFRATS(whichwedon’tsee;weonlyseethespottercallingout“kills”forhim)

SPANGLER:alsopickingoffratswithhighprecisionasFrancishandshimammo

*Note:weneveractuallyseeanyrats

24.CONTINUED:

DUNCAN’SDAD(CONT'D)

(CONTINUED)

Finally,weheartheinterminableENDINGSTRAINSofFreeBirdandseethecarnage:HalandLoisMAKINGOUTINTHEDIRTbehindawreckedcar;ReeseINTEARS,DeweyhavingHISFACEJAMMEDINTHEMUDbysomeredneckkids,andCraig,coveredinBIRDCRAP,sPINNINGLANGUIDCIRCLESamongsometrashedrefrigerators,DISCHARINGHISGUNintothegroundwhileLAUGHINGMANIACALLY

MALCOLM(V.O.)(tocamera)

Mygod...wheredoyoustart?

CUTTO:

EXT-JUNKYARD-DAY

ANIMPROMPTUAWARDSCEREMONY

DUNCAN’SDADWITHBULLHORNINTHEBACKOFAPICKUP

DUNCAN’SDADOurtopprizeforadultsgoesto...CommandantSpangler!

Spangler,smokingacigar,walksuptoreceivehisprize--aMOUNTEDRATonaplaque

DUNCAN’SDAD(CONT’D)AndI’mhappytoannounce,thetopprizeforyouthshootistgoesto...myson,Duncan!

AsDuncanwalksup,hisdadcontinues

DUNCAN’SDAD(CONT’D)SomeofyoumayknowthatDuncan’sappearancetodaywastoclaimapointofhonoragainstyuppieinfideloffspring.

LOISYuppieinfidels?We’reyuppieinfidels?

HALIthoughtyouatleastneededasavingsaccounttobeclassifiedasayuppy.

DUNCAN’SDAD...andnowthatDuncanhasvanquishedhisfoe,saidfoemustbehisslaveforsixweeks!

25.CONTINUED:(2)

(CONTINUED)

REESEWhat?!Ineveragreedtothat!

LOISYeah,whatthehellareyoutalkingabout?!

DUNCANThat’swhatyourweirduncleagreedtowhenmydaddidn’twanttolethiminthetournament.

LOISWeirduncle?Reesedoesn’thaveaweirduncle!

HALNothere,atleast,nottoday

DUNCAN’SDADThat’sright.thatman...

(GesturingtothestilldeliriousCRAIG,nowhunkeredinsideadoorlessrefrigerator)

promisedReeseasDuncan’sslaveifwelethimshoottoday,andifDuncanwon.

LOISCraig!

Lois,fistsclenched,STARTSTOHEADTOWARDCRAIG,whosuddenlySNAPSOUTOFITandflees,disappearingbehindanoldmattress.

REESEDad,Ineverevensawanyrats.

HALYouknow,Iwasgoingtobringthatup.

MALCOLMThey’revirtualratsdad.Theytoldmewhileyouwereshooting.ThereAREnotratshere,theyallgotshotbackinthe50s,sotheyhavetosorta...pretend.

HALOh,OK.

26.CONTINUED:

(CONTINUED)

LOISNo,NOTOK!That’sridiculous!Whereisthatlunaticrunningthisthing?

Shestormsoffaswe

CUTTO:

SHOT:IMAGEOFTHEEARTHINSPACE

Malcolmwithpointer,inhisroom.Weseeslidesofwhathe’sdescribingintercutwithhis“lesson”

MALCOLMIwishyoucould’veseenit.Mom’sangeratDuncan’sfatheroverthevirtualratthingwasvisiblefromspaceforseveralhoursintheWesternHemisphere.ShegothimtorelinquishslavedutyforReese,thenshetrackeddownCraig,hidinginanoldPinto,andmadehimsurrenderhisweaponsANDtakeoffhisstupidMatrixoutfit.AquestionabledecisionIhavetosay.

CUTTO:

INT-MALCOLM’SROOM-LATER

REESEWell,all’swellthatendswell,Iguess.Ididn’tgetbeatupANDIdon’thavetobeaslave.

MALCOLMAndwestillhavethatlittleblackmailitemtohangontoforCraigsomeday.

DEWEYWhat’sblackmail?

MALCOLMWatch...andlearn.

CUTTO:

INT-KITCHEN-MOMENTSLATER

REESEDad,canyoutakeustoBubbaBurgerforlunch?

27.CONTINUED:(2)

(CONTINUED)

HALWhat?No.am-scray.

MalcolmwhipsoutaPHOTOoftheblackenedbirdHaldestroyedwiththeweedeater.

MALCOLMWehavecopies.

REESEThenegativesarecarefullyhidden.

CUTTO:

INT-BUBBABURGER-DAY

Theboyshappilymunchburgers

HALHowlongagainuntilyou’reall18andgone?

END OF SHOW

d

28.CONTINUED: