Making the Connection...home, gone to college, or married and began raising children. “In my...

Cover StoryBy Patti Martin Bartsche

Making the

ConnectionMinnesota Funeral Directors helping families heal.

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53American Funeral Director • June 2015

“We knew we wanted to dosomething,” recalled Ken Peterson,owner of Johnson Peterson FuneralHomes & Cremation in St. Paul, whowas in on that initial discussion. “Wewere batting around a lot of differentideas, and then someone suggestedsomething to do with kids. There wasimmediate agreement ... we hadfound what we wanted to do.”

The Minnesota Foundation for

Children was established to develop aprogram that could provide help togrieving children. The MFC boardpartnered with Amanda the Panda, anonprofit organization that providesservices for children, teens, adults andfamilies struggling with a death of aloved one, and in 2003 the first CampAmanda-Minnesota began with anall-volunteer staff and almost 50children and teens in attendance.

From the start, the program hasbeen offered free of charge, thanks tothe support of funeral directors inthe MFDA and funeral servicecorporate supporters. “We’ve hadgreat support over the years,”Peterson said. “The program speaksto the heart of funeral service andwhat we do as funeral directors.”

Under the direction of foundingcamp director Holly Guncheon,camps were held three times a yearthroughout the state, according tothe organization’s website. In 2006,MFC developed its first strategicplan, which included staying currentwith childhood grief research,assuring that the organization’smission of bringing hope and healingto Minnesota’s grieving children wasbeing met.

That strategic plan also broughtwith it some changes. Licensed socialworker and grief counselor CoralPopowitz – who began volunteeringas a grief counselor in 2004 – wasnamed the organization’s executive

It was in 2001 that a group of funeral directorsattending the annual Minnesota Funeral DirectorsAssociation conference began talking about howthey could continue to help their grieving familiesbeyond the actual service. After much discussion,the seeds for the Children’s Grief Connection wereplanted. Fourteen years later, the nonprofit organi-zation continues to grow, providing hope and healingto Minnesota’s grieving children and families.

Left: A camper gets a hug from theHearts of Hope Family Grief Campmascot, HOPE, the teddy bear.

This page: The sand ceremony, partof the closing ceremony, wherecampers talk about the communityand connections formed over theweekend.

(Photos courtesy of Children’s GriefConnection)


American Funeral Director • June 2015

director, and MFC parted withAmanda the Panda. In its place theChildren’s Grief Connection wasestablished, with its own campprogram – Hearts of Hope.

Other changes followed. TheFamily Grief Connection wasdeveloped and expanded further tomeet the needs of adult familymembers of the campers. In 2009,the Community Grief Connectionprogram was established to helpgrieving communities – especiallyschools – that had experienced atragedy. And in 2013, afterextensive planning and piloting,Hearts of Hope Family Grief Campwas launched.

For Popowitz, becoming part ofthe organization was an eye-openingexperience. “Like many other people,I had a stereotypical picture offuneral directors ... stoic, pale faced,dressed in black,” she said. “Addinto it an unfortunate funeral homeexperience, and it wasn’t a positiveimage; one that I think that is inmany people’s heads.”

What Popowitz immediately foundwas that the funeral directors shecame in contact with were caring andcompassionate individuals who wentabove and beyond for the familiesthey serve. “My opinion shifted,” shesaid. “Watching the funeral directorsinteract with the children at camp

Above: Upon arrival, each camper is givena name tag. The Smiley Face representsthe family member who has died. Below: There is laughter during the FridayNight dance. Opposite page: While thereare times of tears and sadness, camp alsoprovides attendees with laughter, smilesand new friends. (Photos courtesy ofChildren’s Grief Connection)



was amazing ... their caring andconcern really shined through.”

Through those interactions,Popowitz also realized somethingimportant: the first grief counselorsfamilies come in contact with arefuneral directors. “I never thoughtof it like that before,” she said. “Butfuneral directors are the first onesthere for families, they are the firstones who help families on the pathof grieving.”

Making a DifferenceOn its website, the Children’s Grief

Connection outlines its core beliefs:• Grief and mourning are a natural

reaction to the death of a loved one.• Mourning is a process – a

circular process – it is not a series ofsteps where once you experience one,you will never feel it again.

• Grief is not a one-time event.• Families grieve together and

individually.• Children grieve differently than

adults.• Children learn through play.• All feelings are OK.“The natural inclination is that we

want everything to get back to normalas soon as possible (after a death),”Popowitz said. “Grieving families,though, have to find a new normal –and that’s not always easy.”

Part of that desire to get back tonormal as quickly as possible,Popowitz believes, can be traced to“a nation that wants happy children,eating Happy Meals and havinghappy memories,” she said.

The reality, though, is that by nottalking about death, by avoiding thefeelings surrounding a death, it’salmost like a second death for thechildren. “If we can’t even talk aboutdeath, what is the message we aregiving the children? We’re creatinganother generation who doesn’t talk,who doesn’t grieve,” Popowitz said.

It’s not by accident that camperswho attend the Hearts of HopeFamily Grief Camp hear this messageearly on:

We’re glad you’re here, we’re sadfor the reason you’re here. You’regoing to have some fun times, butyou’re also going to have some hardtimes. We are here for you.

In the 30-plus camps that have

been offered, “I can tell you that nota single camping experience orweekend has been the same,”Popowitz said. “And that’s for a verysimple reason – every person isdifferent, and each person’s grief isdifferent.”

Over time, the camp has transi-tioned from children-only to families.“We wanted to be more globallyfocused,” Popowitz said. “We are agrief community ... and recognizethat grief is universal.”

These days, the weekend camps areheld two or three times a year invarious locations in Minnesota. Campbegins at 6 p.m. on a Friday, withfamilies being greeted by the organi-zation’s mascot, a teddy bear namedHOPE, and a welcoming group ofvolunteers, many of them Minnesotafuneral directors. Each familymember receives a camp T-shirt andmakes a nametag. The red heart-shapenametag has the camper’s name, alongwith a brightly colored Smiley face.The color of the Smiley face indicatesthe person in the camper’s family whohas died – sibling, mother, father orgrandparent.


56 American Funeral Director • June 2015

“It’s an instant connector withoutsaying a word,” Peterson said. “ThatSmiley Face tells the story ... lettingcampers know, without saying aword, that they are not alone.”

Peterson, the camp’s unofficialphotographer, clearly remembers afirst-hand interaction between twoyoung boys. “After a couple of hoursof following some kids around, Icame across two boys, probablyaround 10 or 11,” Peterson recalled.

“They looked at the circles on theirname tags and realized that boththeir dads had died. One boy lookedat the other and said, ‘How’d yourdad die?’ The other boy responded,‘Found him hanging in the garage.How about you?’ To which the otherboy responded, ‘He shot himself inthe woods.’ Their conversation gaveme goose bumps.”

By lunchtime, the boys hadbonded, and spent the rest of their

camp time together, Peterson said.“They were able to make aconnection ... and understand theywere not alone,” he pointed out.“That’s the gift that camp provides... it helps them see that there areother people who are like them, whothey can talk to freely and whounderstand, really understand, whatthey are thinking and feeling.”

Friday night activities, Popowitzexplained, are designed for campersand staff to get to know each other,have fun and relax.

On Saturday morning, familymembers divide into their specific agegroups and join Sharing Circlesgroups with others who are their ageand who have had similar losses. TheSharing Circle groups spend the restof the camp weekend together,Popowitz said, doing fun campthings and memorializing activities.“We know that grief is a rollercoaster of ups and downs,” Popowitzsaid, “so we move between campactivities like climbing walls,adventure hikes and group games, toremembering activities, includingmemory books and candle lightings.”

The activities are planned to meetthe developmental and grief andmourning needs of each familymember, Popowitz said. “Theunique thing that we have is thiscomplete family program ... sharedexperiences that are happeningsimultaneously but separatelybecause of the individual griefprocess,” she said. “The idea is forus to be able to connect familiesonce they leave us.”

Saturday evening, the variousSharing Circles come together toenjoy social time, movie night andcampfires. A final Sharing Circle isheld Sunday morning, and familymembers are reunited for the closingceremony.

The camp experiences, Popowitzbelieves, offers families a first step inthe healing process.

“People come to camp at differentlevels,” Popowitz said. “Some comeimmediately after a death with a fix-it mentality ... and want us to fixthings. Others come with a sense thattheir children are handling things

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well but aren’t sure. Still otherscome, saying that they’re OK,because they have support, but theirkids aren’t doing well.”

By the end of the weekend, whilethe healing isn’t complete, it is on itsway. “There is an acceptance of thedeath and a realization that there areother people who have had a similarexperience,” Popowitz said. “Thereis understanding.”

Not surprisingly, many children andfamilies keep in touch after campends. “They’ve made a connection atcamp,” Popowitz pointed out. “Theyhave that someone who knows, under-stands and accepts them ... and that ishuge. They also have our support andknow they can reach out to us.”

Over the years, the camp programhas grown from children-only tofamilies. Now, a specific programfor Emerging Adults is going to beoffered. The program is designedespecially for those family members18-24 years old who may have lefthome, gone to college, or marriedand began raising children. “In myfield, these are the true forgottenmourners,” Popowitz said. “There’sa sense they should be handlingthings on their own, that they’reindependent. That’s not the case,and we want to serve their develop-mental and specific grief needs.”

Popowitz is quick to give credit tothe Minnesota Funeral DirectorsAssociation for its unwaveringsupport. “I do conferences andeducational programs worldwide,and I can’t find anywhere where astate association such as theMinnesota Funeral DirectorsAssociation has a grief camp fortheir families ... not just children,but families.”

Peterson, who picked up his firstcamera when he was 8 or 9 yearsold, says he only needs to flipthrough more than 30 camps’ worthof photos to know how importantthe camp and Children’s GriefConnection has come to be forMinnesota families. “Of course thereis sadness,” Peterson said, “but thereis laughter, positivity andunbelievable fun. You see the smileson their faces, you can feel some of

the heaviness being lifted. And thelaughter ... I can’t remember a time Ilaughed harder – or longer – than atthe camp where the boys wereshowing the different ways to makethe sound of passing gas.”

While the kids are there to helpthem with their grief, camp is also atime for laughter and good times. “Inmany ways, camp gives thempermission to have fun,” Petersonsaid, “and isn’t that a great gift?”

The organization is committed tocontinuing its mission of providinghope and healing to grievingfamilies for years to come. Thereare plans, Popowitz said, to expandinto neighboring states or perhapsto partner with other state funeraldirectors associations. “This issomething that I would certainly liketo see grow across the country,”Popowitz said. “Our children andour families need that.” •



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