Los Angeles, CA 90025 Phone: (310) 447-8675 Web Site: … · 2017-10-24 · 12400 Wilshire...
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12400 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900 Los Angeles, CA 90025 Phone: (310) 447-8675 Web Site: www.fmbklaw.com E-mail: [email protected] [email protected]
Transcript of Los Angeles, CA 90025 Phone: (310) 447-8675 Web Site: … · 2017-10-24 · 12400 Wilshire...
12400 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900
Los Angeles, CA 90025
Phone: (310) 447-8675
Web Site: www.fmbklaw.com
E-mail: [email protected]
hen choosing a law firm to handleyour divorce, you should find onethat’s prepared and qualified to deal
with any legal curveball your case might throwyou. They should also be working to make theprocess as easy and efficient as possible, so thatyou can move on with the least damage to yourwallet and your emotions. With these traits inmind, you need look no further than Feinberg,Mindel, Brandt & Klein, LLP, based in LosAngeles.
“A family lawyer must have the ability tolisten patiently, to understand the problems thor-oughly, and to resolve those problems as quick-ly and efficiently as possible,” says RobertBrandt, the head of the Family Law Departmentat FMBK. According to Managing PartnerSteven Mindel, who heads the BusinessTransactions Department at FMBK, a top fam-ily law attorney must also be knowledgeableabout all areas of law. “To use a baseball anal-ogy, you have to be a utility player. Divorce lawcombines so many different legal areas, includ-ing business, child custody, finance, and prop-erty. There’s always some collateral issueinvolved. You also have to respond to the clients’
needs: returning phone calls, listening to whatthey’re saying, changing gears from toughness tocompassion whenever necessary.”
FMBK’s staff has extremely high standardsfor their own work. They’re versatile in theirlegal abilities, and they expect only the best ofthemselves. Five of the lawyers are CertifiedSpecialists in Family Law*, Howard S. Kleinis a Certified Specialist in Estate Planning, Trustand Probate Law**, and the team has the knowl-edge and experience to handle all types ofcases – from prenups to paternity to palimony todivorce to post-divorce matters. “We’re alsoable to serve a broad spectrum of the community– from higher-asset to lower-asset cases,” addsBrandt.
Aware that divorce is very expensive, theyalso do what they can to make it less so. “We’revery conscious of cost control and we workclosely with the client to reduce fees ifnecessary. We aim to minimize the expense andmaximize the return,” says Mindel.
One of the best ways to minimize the cost ofdivorce is to concentrate on completing theprocess as quickly as possible – and not to fixateon trivial issues, says Brandt. “Don’t fight forprinciple or for your own ego; carefully choosewhat the important issues are – such as yourchildren’s best interests,” he advises. “The moreyou battle, the more expensive your divorcebecomes.”
FMBK will explore a realm of solutions todivorce cases before even considering the adver-sarial court system. “It is always preferable to
work out a settlement rather than to have onedictated to you by a court,” says Brandt. “Sobe reasonable and realize that a truly just set-tlement is one that no one is 100% happy with.”Mindel adds that they ”try to reduce theanimosity between parties to help them buildtrust and move on.”
In addition to setting up realistic goals andshowing clients where to get the tools to dealwith their anxiety and grief, FMBK offers abroad spectrum of legal services. The firm canassist you with wills, trusts and estate planningissues, complex civil litigation matters, realproperty law, and commercial litigation, inaddition to dealing with your divorce; manyof these additional fields become involved indivorce cases.
The highest quality service at the mostefficient price: this is what FMBK has to offer.
TOP NOTCH L AWYERS
12400 Wilshire Boulevard, Suite 900Los Angeles, CA 90025Phone: (310) 447-8675Web Site: www.fmbklaw.comE-mail: [email protected]
The highly credited and versatile team at Feinberg,Mindel, Brandt & Klein canprovide you with top notch fam-ily law services.
* Certifed Family Law Specialist, The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization
**Certified Specialist in Estate Planning, Trust and Probate Law, The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization
W
WELCOMEIn this Divorce Guide, you’ll find a number of useful articles and resources designed to help you and your family through
the divorce process. In addition to these articles, you may also choose to receive our FREE Divorce e-newsletter: an electronic
newsletter that will be sent to you once a month via e-mail. Simply provide us with your e-mail address, and you’ll start
receiving the e-newsletter immediately.
You can also visit our website, where you’ll find answers to the most frequently asked questions about separation and divorce
as well as many valuable articles provided by Divorce Magazine.
We understand that divorce is not only a legal process but also a time of great transition that affects all areas of your life. It
is our hope that these resources help you and your family move forward as smoothly as possible.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 3
4 Your Divorce TeamA guide to the professionals who can assist
you on your journey to the ultimate goal:
a fair, civilized divorce.
8 A Solid RelationshipHow to work with your lawyer to achieve
the best possible outcome.
10 Be PreparedPreparation is like a key to a successful
divorce settlement.
12 A Fair NegotiationHow to use negotiation to resolve disputes
and build better interpersonal relationships.
14 Managing AngerDivorce-related anger can make you
crazy — here’s how to manage it.
16 Create a Satisfying LifeTips on how to move forward and create
the life you want.
18 Finding SupportWhere to find support when you need it most.
20 Child's PlayHow, what, and when to tell the children
about your divorce.
22 Set Sail for a New FutureChart a course for a new life that you will love.
24 Full Esteem AheadOur self-esteem can take a beating after divorce.
Here are some tips to raise it back up again.
25 Articles OnlineA listing of legal and mediation related articles avail-
able online on DivorceMagazine.com.
This Divorce Guide is published by Segue Esprit Inc. and Divorce Marketing Group, publisher ofDivorce Magazine and www.DivorceMagazine.com.For more information, please contact Dan Couvrette, Publisher/CEO, at (888) 217-9538, ext. 24or [email protected] Marketing Group, 2255B Queen Street East #1179, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4E 1G3
4 | DIVORCE GUIDE
DIVORCE is a complex process that
affects just about every aspect of your life
from financial to emotional, physical to
legal. Unless you’ve been married for only
a short time and have no property, assets, or
children you’ll probably need some pro-
fessional help to get you on track to a
healthy, happy post-divorce future. The cen-
tral figure in your divorce process aside
from you and your spouse is probably your
lawyer, but other professionals can help to
smooth the road ahead of you.
If you’re still on speaking terms with
your spouse, consider the services of a medi-
ator, who will give you the opportunity to
negotiate the terms of your divorce settle-
ment outside of a courtroom setting.
Accountants and financial planners can han-
dle most of the financial aspects of your
divorce prior to, during, and after your
divorce is finalized. A therapist can see you
through your “emotional divorce,” enabling
you to start creating a new life for yourself.
While each of these professionals can
help you through a stressful transition peri-
od, finding the right person can create its
own stress. Here’s a guide to help you
choose a good lawyer, a reliable financial
professional, a competent mediator, and the
therapist who’s right for you.
The LawyerChoosing which lawyer will represent you
may be the most important decision you’ll
make during your divorce proceedings. As
in any profession, there are good lawyers
and bad lawyers. It’s up to you to do your
homework and to ask the right questions to
determine which group your attorney
belongs to.
Finding a LawyerLook for someone who:
Practices family law. A lawyer who spe-
cializes in taxation, even if he or she’s a
close friend, isn’t going to be much help
to you.
Has a lot of experience. If your lawyer is
fresh out of Law School, make sure he or
she has an experienced mentor at the firm,
one with an excellent knowledge of rele-
vant law to go over his/her cases.
Is a skilled negotiator. If your case can be
settled without a protracted court battle,
you’ll probably save a great deal of time,
trouble, and money.
Is firm. If you do end up going to court,
you don’t want your lawyer to crumble at
the first obstacle.
Is reasonable. You want someone who’ll
advise you to settle if the offer is fair, and not
have the case drag on and on to satisfy your
need for revenge or the lawyer’s need to
“win.”
Is compatible with you. You don’t have to
become best friends, but you must be com-
fortable enough with your attorney to be
able to tell him or her some of your deepest,
darkest secrets. If you can’t bring yourself
to disclose information relevant to the case,
you’ll be putting your attorney at an extreme
disadvantage. Your lawyer isn’t your ther-
apist or confessor, but he or she does need
to be aware of all pertinent facts in order
to do a good job for you. Trust your
instincts; make sure your lawyer is some-
body you can talk to, who knows that there
is no such thing as a stupid question.
Is totally candid. Your lawyer should be
up-front about what he or she thinks your
divorce will cost, if there are holes or prob-
lems with your case, and whether or not
you have any aces up your sleeve.
Is not in conflict with your best interests.Don’t share a lawyer with your spouse;
don’t hire your spouse’s best friend (even if
she’s a friend of yours, too), business part-
ner, or any member of your spouse’s fam-
ily to represent you even if you’re on good
terms with them. Aside from the obvious
conflict of interest involved, you’ll have
created enemies and probably a whole new
family feud before your divorce settles.
Is more than a pretty face. This may seem
painfully obvious, but given our frail human
nature, it bears noting here: don’t choose a
lawyer based on physical attractiveness.
You’re looking for competence, not for a
date on Saturday night.
Questions to Ask a Prospective LawyerThe outcome of your divorce proceedings
will change the course of your life forever,
Your Divorce TeamHow to find and choose the best possible advisors to help you.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 5
so invest the time and money to find the
lawyer who will do the best job for you.
Here are the questions you should ask dur-
ing your initial interview:
Do you practice family law exclusively? If
not, what percentage of your practice is
family law?
How long have you been practicing?
What is your retainer (the initial fee paid or,
sometimes, the actual contract you sign to
officially hire a lawyer)? Is this fee refund-
able? What is your hourly fee?
What is your billing technique? You should
know what you’re paying for, how often
you will be billed, and at what rates.
Approximately how much will my divorcecost? The lawyer will only be able to pro-
vide an estimate based on the information
you provide and your realistic estimation
of how amicable you and you spouse are. If
you think your case is extremely simple,
but your spouse’s lawyer buries your attor-
ney in paperwork, you can expect your costs
to increase.
What do you think the outcome will be?Remember, you’re looking for truthfulness
here not to be told a happy story.
If your spouse has retained an attorney,ask your prospective lawyer whether he orshe knows this attorney. If so, ask: “Have
you worked with him or her before? Do
you think the attorney will work to settle
the case? And is there anything that would
prevent you from working against this
attorney?”
What percentage of your cases go to tri-al? You actually want to choose a lawyer
with a low percentage here: a good nego-
tiator who can settle your case without a
long, expensive court battle. A good trial
lawyer may be necessary if every indica-
tion is that nothing could possibly be settled
outside of a court room.
Are you willing and able to go to court if thiscase can’t be settled any other way?
How long will this process take? Again,
the answer will be an approximation.
What are my rights and obligations duringthis process?
At a full-service firm, ask who will be han-dling the case: the lawyer you’re inter-
viewing, an associate, or a combination of
senior and junior lawyers and paralegals?
Should I consider mediation? Ask whether
your case at least in the initial stages might
be a good one for mediation.
What happens now? Do I need to do any-
thing? And when will I hear from you?
Finally, if there’s something you really
need to know, or if you don’t understand
something the lawyer said, don’t be afraid
to ask for clarification. There’s no such
thing as a stupid question when it comes to
decisions that will affect the rest of your
life. Bring this list of questions with addi-
tions, if necessary, to suit your individual cir-
cumstances with you to the initial interview;
that way, you’ll know if all of your con-
cerns have been handled.
The MediatorMediation has become a popular way to
settle the terms of a divorce. You and your
spouse, with the help of a third-party medi-
ator, work together to negotiate how to live
successful lives apart. Mediation can save
time and money, and is usually less emo-
tionally damaging than a full-blown court
battle. Together, you and your spouse work
out an agreement you can both live with
from the same side of the mediation table
rather than from opposing sides of the court-
room.
Mediation isn’t an option in all divorce
cases, but when both parties are willing to
look at the issues instead of the emotions
that cloud the issues, mediation is worth a
try. Statistics show that when a case is nego-
tiated through a mediator, the parties tend to
stay out of court in the future. Another ben-
efit of a mediated settlement is that you and
your spouse will learn powerful new com-
munication techniques, which is particu-
larly important if you have children or share
business interests.
Finding a MediatorMediation doesn’t normally eliminate the
need for a lawyer: your lawyer will have
to approve any agreements made by you
and your spouse before they become legal-
ly binding. However, the mediation process
can speed up negotiations because you and
your spouse communicate directly instead of
through a “broken telephone” chain your
spouse to your spouse’s lawyer to your
lawyer to you. Many family-law practi-
tioners are also trained mediators, so find-
ing a mediator may simply be a question
of asking your lawyer about his or her own
qualifications. When selecting someone to
mediate your case, scrutinize the individ-
ual’s qualifications. Ask to see a resume,
and ask how long he/she has been practic-
ing, and whether he/she has ever mediated
a case such as yours.
The following organizations can point
you in the direction of a qualified, compe-
tent mediator.
In the U.S: Association for ConflictResolutionwww.acresolution.orgPhone: (202) 464-9700
In Canada: Family Mediation Canadawww.fmc.caPhone: (877) 362-2005
Questions to Ask a Prospective MediatorLook for someone you can trust and com-
municate with, and who is empathetic to
your concerns. Don’t pick someone lightly,
or based on the cheapest rate, because he or
she will be helping you settle on terms you
may have to live with for a long time. Before
you meet with the mediator for the first
time, you should prepare some well-thought-
out questions. Here are a few suggestions of
what to ask:
What is your training and experience? Ask
about direct experience dealing with cases
like yours, especially if there are aspects
that make your case unique. Does the medi-
ator have any special skills you may need
such as the ability to speak another lan-
guage? Since mediation is based on clarity
of communication, it may be important for
you to conduct your mediation in a lan-
guage other than English.
What is your approach? Some mediators
may want to meet separately with you and
your spouse before sitting down with the
two of you together; others may want your
children involved and attending the media-
tion sessions. Find out what techniques will
6 | DIVORCE GUIDE
be used and how your mediation will be
conducted.
Do you have any biases? We all have cer-
tain viewpoints which cloud our judgment,
and mediators are not exempt. You should
ask if your mediator has any strong views
about the role of mothers or fathers, or about
the care of children.
Should we have our children involved inthe mediation process? If so, how?
Should a new partner(s) be involved in theprocess?
What leads to unsuccessful mediation?
How much is it going to cost?
How much time will the process take?
What is the role of my lawyer? Financial
Professionals (Accountants, Business
Valuators, Divorce Financial Analysts,
Financial Planners and Mortgage Brokers)?
Your AccountantA Certified Public Accountant (CPA) can
handle many of the financial matters of your
case. His or her responsibility is to calculate
your net worth, your spouse’s net worth
and to produce figures that are agreeable to
both you and the courts. There are a number
of different accreditations given to accoun-
tants, and you’ll find these designations
after their name. Wading through the dif-
ferences between someone who is a CFE
(Certified Fraud Examiner) or a BCFE
(Board Certified Forensic Examiner), or a
member of the ASA (American Society of
Appraisers), or a member of NACVA,
(National Association of Certified Valuation
Accreditation) may seem a daunting task
to understand all of the distinctions but by
doing a little research you’ll come to under-
stand what you need to know.
Certified Fraud Examiner (CFE)www.CFEnet.com/cfe Phone: (800) 245-3321; (512) 478-9000
American Society of Appraisers (ASA)www.appraisers.org Phone: (703) 478-2228
National Association of Certified
Valuation Analysts (NACVA)www.NACVA.comPhone: (801) 486-0600
Finding an AccountantUsually, the best and easiest way to find an
accountant is through your lawyer. These
two members of your divorce team may
have to work in tandem from time to time,
so it’s important to find someone your
lawyer is familiar with. You could also ask
your personal accountant (if you have one)
to suggest someone who has a matrimoni-
al background, but be sure to check his/her
prior experience when you do so.
The most important factors are the
accountant’s qualifications, your comfort
level, and how the accountant interacts with
your lawyer. Look for an accountant who is
honest and forthright, and who offers rea-
sonable economic terms.
Divorce Financial ProfessionalsWhen your marriage has been dissolved,
and even during the divorce process itself,
you may want to employ a financial expert
who has been specially trained in issues that
pertain to separation and divorce.
Certified Divorce Financial Analyst
CDFAs tend to be (American or
Canadian) financial planners or accoun-
tants who have completed the Institute of
Divorce Financial Analyst’s training. A
CDFA can help you with budgeting, or
assist with tax, estate, or retirement plan-
ning. He or she will help you organize
your financial future by proposing a per-
sonalized plan with a time horizon and a
solid investment strategy to help you
towards financial stability for tomorrow.
They analyze settlements in the context of
the client’s long-term economic situation
and inform them of those that may appear
fair and equitable on the surface but will not
stand the test of time. A CDFA can reduce
the uncertainty about the future by fore-
casting the economic effects of alternative
settlement proposals. For instance, a CDFA
can tell you what the economic conse-
quences will be of keeping one asset over
another. You can find a CDFA by con-
tacting the Institute for Certified Divorce
Financial Analysts at (800) 875-1760 or
at www.InstituteDFA.com.
In Canada, individuals can also work
with a Financial Divorce Specialist (FDS).
This credential was developed to equip
Canadian financial professionals with
the advanced knowledge they need to
guide their clients through divorce. The
intensive FDS course teaches advisors
divorce-related issues, such as the division
of assets, insurance, budgets, and child and
spousal support. Only 100 financial
advisors in Canada hold the FDS desig-
nation. You can find a FDS through the
Academy of Financial Divorce Specialists,
(888) 893-7526 or at www.afds.ca.
Questions to Ask a ProspectiveFinancial ProfessionalOnce you’ve set up an initial interview,
there are a number of questions you should
ask to make certain you’re dealing with a
competent professional and someone who’s
right for you.
How many times have you been to court?They may be testifying on your behalf about
all your financial secrets, so you want some-
one who has experience in the courtroom. If
possible, find out how these cases turned
out.
Have you worked with many lawyers? Ask
for a few references, and call them.
How much are your services going to cost?This is an important question in any situa-
tion. Ask about the terms of payment and
when and how services will be billed.
Remember that once a fee is agreed upon
and a contract is signed, any additional fees
should be by prior written agreement only.
You may want to add this to any contract
you sign, if it’s not already there.
How to Work with Your Financial ProfessionalWhen you sit down at the initial interview,
you may choose not to bring any important
paperwork with you. It’s important to estab-
Mediation can save time and money, and is usually lessemotionally damaging than a full-blown court battle.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 7
lish a good rapport. It’s a meeting of
personalities, and you’re looking for respect,
understanding, and an ability to talk freely.
However, once you start into the financial
legalities of the case, there are several impor-
tant documents your accountant or planner
will need to see:
Personal tax returns for you and yourspouse for the last five years
Books, records, financial statements, andtax returns for any businesses in which youor your spouse has an interest
Banking and credit-card statements
Mortgage statements
Telephone bills
Other records of major expenditures
Stocks, bonds, mutual funds, and equities
Retirement plans
All insurance policies
Descriptions of your and your spouse’semployee benefits
Your latest pay stubs
You’ll also need valuations or other
paperwork detailing property you and your
spouse own together or separately, from the
contents of a safety deposit box to the car to
your home. Although you’ll be dealing
mainly with “big ticket items” here, if some-
thing is very important to you, make sure it’s
on your list. If a business is involved, bro-
kerage statements or corporate minute books
will also be required. Basically, your
accountant or planner needs to see any major
paperwork that involves the transaction of
money for both you and your spouse.
Your TherapistUntil you achieve your “emotional divorce,”
you won’t truly be free to create a fulfilling
new life for yourself. A qualified therapist
can help you work through the issues that
are holding you back - and keeping you
stuck in the past.
Finding a TherapistThe process of finding the right therapist can
be a frustrating one. Anyone can call him or
herself a “therapist” regardless of background
or training, so do your due diligence to find
someone competent. A therapist with an
“MD” after his/her name is a psychiatrist;
one with a “Ph.D.” is a psychologist. If you
see the letters “MSW,” it means this person
has a Master’s degree in social work; an
“LCSW” is a Licensed Clinical Social
Worker. If possible, choose a therapist who
specializes in marriage and divorce.
A good place to start your search is
with your family doctor or other health-
care professional you know and respect.
You could also ask a friend, or a member
of your divorce support group (if you have
one) if he/she would recommend his/her
counselor.
Setting realistic limits and goals is an
important part of the therapist’s services.
Good therapists are willing to listen, but
they don’t always have to agree with you.
Questions to Ask a Prospective TherapistHere are some important questions to ask
your prospective therapist:
What are your credentials/affiliations?
How long have you been practicing?
How does therapy work (in your practice)?
Do you have any experience workingwith separated/divorced people? Do you“specialize” in a particular area (e.g., stepfamily issues, domestic violence,children and divorce, etc.)?
What is your fee (hourly rate, sliding scale, etc.)?
Will my insurance cover my sessions withyou?
What are your hours? Do you work anyevenings or weekends?How long do you expect my therapy willlast?
Will you try to get my spouse and me to reconcile?Will you keep our sessions confidential?Can I call you between sessions? If so, doyou charge for these calls?
How accessible is your office (close toparking, public transport; wheelchair
accessible; etc.)? Is it located in a safeneighborhood?
A good therapist will encourage ques-
tions that indicate you’re interested in your
own recovery. As you glance around the
therapist’s office, try to imagine yourself
coming here every week for several months.
Do you feel relatively comfortable here?
During and after your initial consultation,
ask yourself these questions
Is this person listening to me? Is he/shespeaking at me, down to me, or with me?
Is this a caring person I can trust?
Does he/she seem professional (in terms ofmanner and appearance)?
Does he/she interrupt my session to takephone calls or pages?
Does he/she touch me in ways that seeminappropriate, or suggest we see eachother socially?
Does he/she just plain give me theheebie-jeebies?
Remember, it can take three to five ses-
sions before you have a clear idea of
whether this therapist is the right one for
you. But if you really don’t like your
answers to these questions, then trust your
inner voice, thank the counselor for his/her
time, and interview the next candidate.
Where to find a therapist:
American Psychological Associationwww.APA.orgPhone: (800) 964-2000
Canadian Psychological Associationwww.Cpa.caPhone: (613) 237-2144
American Association for Marriage andFamily Therapywww.Aamft.orgPhone: (703) 838-9808
Diana Shepherd is the former Editor ofDivorce Magazine.
8 | DIVORCE GUIDE
BEFORE you hire a lawyer to represent
you in your divorce, you need to learn this
important truth: you and your lawyer will
become partners, for better or for worse,
during and perhaps for years after the
divorce process. And how well your part-
nership works can have an enormous affect
upon the process and outcome of your
divorce and how much you’ll have to spend
in legal fees along the way.
So you must make every effort to hire the
right lawyer from the outset. Examine your
goals and desires before going to see a
lawyer. Do you want to be generous, or nail
your ex to the wall? Do you want an ami-
cable or an adversarial divorce? Look to
your future, and determine what you want
for yourself, your kids, and your ex in six
months, one year, and five years.
After your initial conversation with a
lawyer, you should be able to answer these
questions:
Does this lawyer listen to me when I talk?
Is the lawyer interested in what my goalsare, or only in his or her own goals?
Don’t share a lawyer with your spouse,
and don’t hire your spouse’s best friend
(even if he or she’s a friend of yours, too),
business partner, or any member of your
spouse’s family to represent you even if
you’re on good terms with them. Aside
from the obvious conflict of interest, you
will have created enemies – and probably
a whole new family feud – before your
divorce settles.
What Your Lawyer Needs to KnowOnce you’ve chosen a lawyer, you’ll need
to provide information and direction to him
or her. When your lawyer requests infor-
mation, respond as quickly, completely, and
concisely as you can don’t waste your own
and your lawyers time by writing a 24-page
document when all that was required was a
“yes” or “no” answer.
Of course, every case is unique, but the
following checklist will give you an idea
of what information your lawyer will need.
You’ll need to disclose:
Why you are seeking a divorce. Whatcaused your breakup?
Are you sure you want to end the mar-
riage, or is the visit to a lawyer meant to
be a wake-up call to your spouse? If
you’re secretly hoping for a reconcilia-
tion, then you and your lawyer are
working towards different goals.
Personal data about you, your spouse, andyour children (if any).
Write down your names (maiden name,
too, if applicable); your home and work
addresses and telephone numbers; your ages
and places of birth; your Social Security or
Social Insurance Numbers; your states of
health, both mental and physical; your
Green Card(s) and immigration papers
(if applicable).
Facts About Your MarriageWhen and where did you get married? Did
you sign a prenuptial agreement or mar-
riage contract? If so, bring a copy of the
agreement with you. Have either of you
been married before? Provide details of your
previous divorce(s). Will there be issues
involving your children, such as custody
or access?
Financial InformationWhat assets and debts did each of you
bring into the marriage? What are your
incomes, and what are your expenses
How to work with yourlawyer to achieve the bestpossible outcome.
A SOLID RELATIONSHIP
DIVORCE GUIDE | 9
jointly and individually? What are the
names and addresses of your employers?
How much money do both of you have
invested: in the bank, the stock market,
etc.? Has either of you invested in insur-
ance, a pension plan, a Pension and Profit
Savings Plan? What property do you own
(a house, car, boat, income property, etc.)?
Was the property purchased before or after
the marriage? Do you have a mortgage,
and if so, how much is owing? Prior to
seeing your lawyer, create a budget detail-
ing how much you spend every month on
items such as housing, food, clothing, per-
sonal grooming, gifts, vacations, etc. If
you have children, and expect to be their
primary caretaker, make sure you factor
their expenses into your budget.
Legal Documents Bring copies of prior or pending lawsuits,
bankruptcy suits, judgments, and
garnishments.
Your Divorce Goals Be very specific about your goals in terms
of realizing your future; make sure your
short-term goals for property, other assets,
custody, visitation, and support are consis-
tent with that future.
What Your Lawyer Expects From YouYour lawyer is hoping you’ll be the ideal
client: calm, businesslike, competent, and
well prepared. Ideal clients can control their
emotions; are organized; are willing to work
with their lawyers to attain their goals; and
are willing to listen to their lawyer’s advice
even if they don’t follow it all the time.
Your lawyer will expect to be paid on-
time and in-full. If your financial situation
is bad and getting worse, talk to your
lawyer immediately; he or she may be able
to create some kind of payment plan that
works for you. If you’re broke because
your ex cleaned out the bank account (or
did something equally irresponsible), you
should tell your lawyer about it right away.
He or she can file motions asking the court
to grant temporary orders for items such as
child or spousal support, custody, control
of assets, payment of your attorney’s fees,
etc. Temporary orders are meant to ensure
that certain things do or don’t happen; if
you suspect your divorce might get nasty,
ask your lawyer about filing orders to pro-
tect you and/or your kids; financially and
physically.
In Don’t Settle for Less: A Woman’sGuide to Getting a Fair Divorce andCustody Settlement (Doubleday), author
and divorce lawyer Beverly Pekala lists five
golden rules for being a good client. Here’s
a synopsis:
Rule 1: Everything is not an emergency;
your lawyer is not on call 24 hours a day.
Rule 2: Your lawyer is not a psychologist.
Rule 3: Communicate honestly with your
lawyer.
Rule 4: This is not L.A. Law. Don’t expect
your lawyer to do something just because
you saw it on TV.
Rule 5: Your lawyer didn’t create and can’t
change the system.
According to Pekala, “Failure to follow
these rules may result in your lawyer fir-
ing” you. Just as you can discharge your
lawyer, your lawyer can choose to stop rep-
resenting you and withdraw from your case.
This usually happens if you fail to commu-
nicate with your lawyer or consistently fail
to follow her advice. It may also occur if you
cannot or will not pay your bill.
What You Should Expect From Your Lawyer From the day you hire him or her, you and
your lawyer should have a clear under-
standing of what you will need and expect
from each other. Ask for a written agreement
that details the terms and length of your
attorney-client relationship. If he or she
won’t provide one, find another lawyer.
After learning about your case, your
lawyer should create a strategy for your
divorce. Be aware that this plan may have to
change along the way depending on what
your ex and his or her lawyer does.
Your lawyer should clearly explain all
your options (again, these may change as
your divorce progresses), offer advice
regarding the best paths to follow, but
respect your wishes if you strongly disagree
with a suggested course of action. If you
find yourself in constant disagreement with
your lawyer, either you’ve chosen the wrong
person to represent you or you’re being
unreasonable. Take a close look at your
motivations and actions to see if you’re
refusing your lawyer’s advice for purely
emotional reasons. For instance, you might
be very angry with your spouse, and your
attorney’s suggestion may not satisfy your
desire for vengeance.
Recognize that even a good lawyer will
sometimes have bad news for you: that your
spouse won’t budge on an important issue;
that you’ll have to give him or her money
or other assets; or simply that your expec-
tations are unrealistic, illegal, or not
financially feasible.
You should expect your lawyer to return
phone calls reasonably promptly (24 hours
is reasonable if he/she’s not on vacation),
and to consult you before taking any major
actions concerning your divorce.
You should also expect to feel frustrat-
ed or disappointed from time to time as
your divorce progresses. Don’t take it out on
your attorney! He or she isn’t a magician
and can’t always pull a great solution out of
his/her metaphorical hat.
Finally, if you want to ensure that your
divorce agreement reflects your goals and
doesn’t cost you an arm and a leg then stay
involved with the process, answering your
attorney’s requests promptly, honestly, and
completely.
Diana Shepherd is the former Editor ofDivorce Magazine.
Look to your future, and determine what you want
for yourself, your kids, and your ex
in six months, one year, and five years.
10 | DIVORCE GUIDE
DURING the course of your marriage,
you accumulated both assets and liabilities.
Although there are regional differences
when it comes to who gets what, basically,
everything purchased, received, or saved
during your marriage must be divided when
you divorce. So now you’re about to sit
down and negotiate a financial settlement
with your ex – but are you truly ready to do
so? As with any negotiation, preparation –
including a thorough understanding of the
situation, as well as assistance from profes-
sionals to ensure your interests are being pro-
tected – is the key to success. Here are a few
questions you need to be able to answer
before sitting down to negotiate.
Do You Know What Your Marital Assets Are?You can’t divide the marital assets fairly if
you don’t know what’s there. The discovery
process, which can be informal or formal, is
important in every divorce. The informal
way is to exchange lists of your assets and
debts in an affidavit form. This method
should only be used if you are sure that you
know everything that exists in your estate;
if you’re not sure, then a more formal means
of discovery should be utilized. One such
method is called “interrogatories,” in which
each lawyer has their client list, under oath,
information about assets, liabilities, and
income. This process provides everyone
involved with a complete economic picture
before starting negotiations. In some cases
where more discovery is needed, deposi-
tions are taken. Depositions are statements
under oath with a court reporter present.
What if There’s a Business or Professional Practice Involved?A business or professional practice tends to
complicate a divorce. More often than not,
the value of the business becomes a focal
point of contention. Couples need to
seriously consider getting a professional
and objective valuation of the business.
The costs of a professional valuation are
usually steep, but you can’t divide some-
thing fairly if you don’t know its true
worth. Then comes the question of what to
do with the business. There are a few
options, such as:
• One spouse keeps the business and gives
the other a reciprocal dollar value using
other assets.
• Sell the business and split the proceeds.
• Keep ownership in the business at
50/50.
In a business-owner situation, the busi-
ness is usually most or all of their net worth,
so there aren’t enough other assets to com-
pensate the other spouse. Even if selling
the business is an option (it usually isn’t),
finding a buyer to pay the right price with-
in an acceptable time frame is practically
impossible. Most divorcing couples don’t
When you’re negotiatingyour divorce settlement,preparation is the key to success. Are you really ready to negotiateyour future?
Be Prepared
DIVORCE GUIDE | 11
want to maintain a relationship – not even
a business relationship – after the divorce.
So what do you do? The only real options
are a property settlement note (one spouse
buys the other’s share in a series of
installment payments at a market – interest
rate) or a spousal – support arrangement to
compensate for the difference.
What About a Budget?It is critical to determine the incomes and
expenses of the parties and to try to esti-
mate what the future expenses will be after
the divorce is final. If there are children,
one spouse will probably pay child support
to the other, and in many marriages, one
spouse will also pay spousal support
(“alimony”). It is important to determine
both income levels and future needs before
you start negotiations. A financial advisor,
such as a Certified Divorce Financial
Analyst (CDFA) or Certified Financial
Planner (CFP), can play a critical role in
determining both a budget and cash-flow
needs. They can also help to plan a course
of action for the future by preparing differ-
ent scenarios utilizing assumptions based
upon needs and projections with different
income levels.
What About Pensions?In many divorces, the most valuable assets
are future benefits such as pensions. These
must all be determined and considered
before starting to think about a settlement.
In most cases, the marital portion of these
benefits - in other words, the portion of the
pension or other deferred benefits that have
been acquired during the marriage – is
subject to division as part of the divorce
settlement. A good lawyer and CDFA will
help you consider these benefits as part of
the overall settlement plan, making sure
your future needs will be met.
What About Personal Property?Personal property is important, but don’t
spend thousands of dollars fighting over
property with more sentimental than real
value. Items such as collectibles, favorite
home furnishings (from chairs to rugs to
pots and pans), hobby equipment, and
other personal property must not become
the focus of your negotiations. A good
lawyer and/or financial advisor can help
you gain perspective on these items and
focus on the big picture when you’re getting
ready to negotiate a settlement. Remember
that an expensive television or computer
has almost no value a few years after you
made that big-ticket purchase. The courts
don’t look at replacement value but the actu-
al value of the item, which, in the case of
used furniture, is often valued at garage-
sale prices.
What About Your Home?Over the years, we have seen people who
were determined to stay in the marital home
no matter what. In some cases, that can be
a big mistake. First of all, it may be too
expensive to maintain. In some situations,
it’s better to sell the home and find another
one that’s smaller and less expensive to pay
for and maintain. As you move ahead and
rebuild your life, it may be better to start
fresh in another home. Aside from the finan-
cial considerations, there may be too many
memories attached to the marital home to let
you move forward emotionally as long as
you’re still living there. There are several
ways to handle a marital home:
• It can be sold immediately.
• One spouse can buy the other out by
refinancing the home or by trading the
home for other property.
• Both parties can hold it jointly for a
number of years – for instance, until
the parent who has custody of the
children remarries, or the children
reach a certain age – after which the
home is sold and the proceeds divided
in some fashion. In many cases, the
party who remains in the home pays the
mortgage and taxes and gets credit for
any reduction in principal on the mort-
gage from the date of the divorce until
the date that the home is sold or one
party buys the other out. Major repairs
are often divided between the parties
with the person who advances the
money for repairs being repaid at the
time of the closing on sale or buyout of
the home.
What Do You Want and Why?You must have a game plan when you enter
into settlement negotiations. Do you know
what you want? Do you know what you
need? Are you thinking about all options?
Are you being realistic in your demands? It
is standard negotiating practice to ask for
more than you expect to receive without
going to extremes. Don’t be a doormat, but
don’t be excessively greedy, either.
Insoluble disagreements arise when divorc-
ing couples are negotiating based on wants
rather than needs. So take the time to
objectively determine your own needs and
those of your spouse before starting to nego-
tiate. We have found over the years that if
your demands are reasonable and based
more on needs than wants, then the chances
for a quick, fair settlement are good. There
must be give-and-take and wiggle-room in
your settlement proposals; your lawyer and
financial advisor can help you strategize
and come up with different game plans and
scenarios as you prepare for this negotiation.
The Bottom LineYou must be well represented and advised
in order to negotiate effectively. This
includes knowing the “ingredients” of the
marital pie, and also how much of that pie
you can realistically expect to keep as your
prepare to negotiate your settlement. A team
consisting of a lawyer and a CDFA – and
perhaps a therapist if emotional issues are
getting in your way – can help you under-
stand your needs, your rights, and your true
“bottom line” before you sit down to nego-
tiate with your spouse.
Divorce is one of the most difficult and
stressful experiences you’ll ever have.
During this emotional time, it can be hard to
think clearly or rationally, so make sure to
enlist the help of professionals who can
guide you when you’ve lost your way.
Remember: if both sides are somewhat
unhappy with the outcome, then the nego-
tiations went well.
Fadi Baradihi is the president and CEO of the Institute for Divorce FinancialAnalysts (IDFA).
For more information about the IDFA, visit www.instituteDFA.com
12 | DIVORCE GUIDE
WE'VE ALL heard about those night-
marish divorces that drag on in court for
months or years because one or both
parties is determined to get his or her way
in the final outcome no matter the cost.
There are also cases in which one party
gets “cleaned out” by the other because of
a failure to communicate or inability to
stand against the more powerful person-
ality’s demands.
Truly adversarial litigation is a costly,
damaging process that often results in at
least one party getting shafted: the adver-
sarial “win-lose” contest inevitably results
in bitterness and dissatisfaction for some-
body. That’s one reason why mediation and
collaborative law have become more pop-
ular as cooperative “win-win” methods of
settling divorce. Rather than duking it out
until one party wins, it’s far more con-
structive for both parties to work out an
agreement together through the art of nego-
tiation. Negotiation is an important person-
al-relations skill that enables you to get what
you want without running roughshod over
those around you. Whether you’re dealing
with your ex-spouse, friends, relatives,
neighbors, co-workers and supervisors, pro-
fessionals, or even your children, you have
to be able to put everybody’s point of view
in clear perspective, so that you can create
a solution that works for both of you.
Be Fair to the Other Party You know what you want, of course. That’s
the easy part. It’s when you show respect for
what the other person wants that you move
towards fair negotiation. Sometimes a solu-
tion that addresses both parties’ goals is
possible, and sometimes both parties’ goals
directly conflict with each other. But once
both parties understand and empathize with
each other’s point of view, the situation can
change from an adversarial deadlock to a
resolvable dispute.
One of the most difficult barriers to
successful bargaining is when at least one
party chooses a fixed position or “bottom
line” and stubbornly sticks to it without
considering its fairness to the other. For
example, if both spouses in a divorce want
full custody of the children and complete-
ly refuse to compromise, the process won’t
go anywhere. But if one spouse yields to
the other – or better yet, if both agree on
joint custody – the process can move
towards resolution. Smart negotiators know
that they will have to compromise on some
issues to a certain extent and that they’re
highly unlikely to get everything they want.
Sometimes, however, a party will be
immovable not because of needs or wants
but out of a personal desire to “get back”
at the other party. This only leads to esca-
lated conflict and the kind of expensive,
draining, adversarial mudslinging that
you’re trying to avoid. Don’t give in to
anger or hate. Even if you’re still carry-
ing hostility towards the other person over
past issues, keep it out of the negotiation
process. Remember that the goal is to
reach a fair agreement, not revenge or
“teaching a lesson.”
Negotiation is about working together,
not competing or contesting against each
other. So if you want the other party to
understand your needs and make a few com-
promises in your favor, you will have to do
the same for him or her. Listen to the other
person. Give the other party the space and
time to make his or her needs clear. Try
honestly to understand how the situation
looks from the other side’s point of view;
this may be the most valuable skill you can
master in bargaining with others, be it in a
divorce or any other dispute situation. Listen
to the other side in the way you would like
them to listen to you. The more respect and
attention you show to the other person, the
more likely the other person will be to let
down his or her defensive guard and show
you the same respect.
Even if you know that something the
other side wants is impossible or unfair to
you, don’t immediately criticize or judge
the person for it. Saying, “You can’t do
that!” “Do I look stupid?” or “Over my
A Fair NegotiationNegotiation skills will help youachieve some of your needs andwants without alienating orangering the other partiesinvolved. Here’s how to usenegotiation to resolve disputesand build better interpersonalrelationships.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 13
dead body!” are all good ways to start an
argument and burn down the bridge of
understanding you’re trying to build.
Instead, hear the other party out first and
then deal with how to reconcile your con-
flicting wants. Is there a solution to this
that leaves both of you satisfied, as opposed
to having one happy and the other unhap-
py? Also ask yourself if this particular
issue is as important to you as you think it
is. Would it really be that much of a loss if
you made a sacrifice in this area, or just
gave way a little? Or maybe there’s a way
both of you can “share” the benefits.
This will require you to “take the high
road” and leave the past in the past. You
can’t drag old hurts and resentments into
your negotiation and expect it to succeed.
Find somewhere else to vent your anger
and frustration – with a counselor or
a support group, for instance – so that
you can be as calm and cooperative as
possible under the circumstances. A com-
plete understanding of the other person’s
perspective as well as your own is
essential to negotiating a fair resolution to
any problem.
Be Fair to Yourself Negotiation is about give-and-take. While
it’s important to let the other party feel that
his or her needs are being addressed, be
sure that you’re being heard equally. As
admirable as it is to be generous and give
way on issues, a deal can’t be truly fair
unless you’re receiving the same generosi-
ty and respect in return. Remember, the say-
ing isn’t “do unto others better than you
would have them do unto you.”
There are instances in which one party of
a negotiation may give in too much to the
other because of a power imbalance: the
former may feel threatened or simply be
too much in the habit of giving in. For exam-
ple, this may happen in a divorce media-
tion for a marriage in which one spouse has
always been dominant over the other, sad-
ly, this pattern often continues even when
the couple breaks up. There are also
instances in which one party may want to
give away the farm to ease his or her guilt,
particularly if the other party has been very
vocal about supposed wrongs or injustices
done by the former. But the object is not to
right past wrongs or to keep the other per-
son quiet: it’s to achieve a fair resolution
for both. This is where a neutral third par-
ty (such as a mediator) may be helpful in
assuring that all get their say in a negotiation;
he or she would be able to spot when one
person is getting the short end of the stick or
just isn’t being heard.
If no neutral third party is available, you
may have to stand up for yourself when
dealing with somebody who tries to take
advantage of your guilt or generosity. Listen
to the other party’s needs and concerns, but
don’t let them completely override your
own. Be firm if you know for sure that
you’re not being treated fairly; don’t give in
to guilt or feelings of inferiority. If the per-
son you’re trying to negotiate with contin-
ues to be unreasonable, a fair final
agreement may be impossible without the
assistance of a trained mediator or collabo-
rative lawyers. Sometimes, a more firm,
confident attitude in bargaining can work
wonders. A normally domineering or stub-
born person may be baffled by your refusal
to back down and eventually find no other
alternative than to give in on the issue.
When the other party is being reason-
able and agrees to let you have something
your way, don’t be ashamed to take it. In
exchange, of course, assure the other per-
son that some other issue will go his or
her way. Accepting the other party’s con-
cessions is just as important to negotiation
as offering concessions: both reinforce the
fact that you are aiming at a “win-win”
solution rather than either of you being
short-changed.
As important as it is for you to under-
stand the other party’s viewpoint and needs,
he or she has a duty to do the same for you.
Negotiation is a cooperative process: it
won’t work if either of you is still trying to
get the better of the other.
A Better Outcome There are many benefits to bargaining with
somebody instead of arguing or fighting to
the bitter end over an issue. Negotiation
turns your opponent into a partner – even,
potentially, an enemy into a friend – because
you’re working together to benefit both of
you. You can avoid the increased resent-
ment, hostility, and awkwardness that result
from continued antagonism – you can avoid
the wasted energy, stress, and emotional
strain that are involved in clinging to your
position and pursuing your wants at all costs
- you can wind up with an outcome that’s
fair, pleasing, and the result of your own
empowerment.
Master the art of negotiation, and you
will be assured success in human relations
in many situations. Follow the tips we’ve
provided, and you can reap benefits
without having to risk being defeated in
any “battles.”
Negotiating Dos and Don’ts Here are some things to do and not to do
when negotiating with someone:
•Do listen attentively.
•Do demonstrate respect for the other
person’s point of view.
•Do make your own point of view clear
without blaming or whining.
•Do separate your “non-negotiables”
from areas where you’re willing to
compromise.
•Do look for “happy medium” solutions
that satisfy both parties.
•Don’t drag past disputes into this one.
•Don’t be rude to, interrupt, blame, or
patronize the other party.
•Don’t back the other party into a
corner with absolute demands; these
inflexible statements usually begin with
phrases such as “You must...” or “You
will never...”
•Don’t give in to demands out of
intimidation or guilt.
•Don’t expect to get everything
you want. ν
Jeffrey Cottrill is a former ContributingEditor to Divorce Magazine.
A complete understanding of the other person’s
perspective as well as your own is essential to
negotiating a fair resolution to any problem.
14 | DIVORCE GUIDE
ANGER IS A very familiar emotion for
all of us. And in healthy relationships, it
can be an overwhelmingly positive force
in our lives. Healthy anger can tell us if
there’s something wrong, something painful
and threatening that we need to take care of.
It helps us protect ourselves and to know
when people are crossing our boundaries.
But for couples who are going through
separation or divorce, anger is often any-
thing but healthy. In her informative book
The Good Divorce (Harper Perennial, 1995),
Dr. Constance Ahrons defines divorce-relat-
ed anger as “an extreme rage, vindictive-
ness, and over-powering bitterness that is felt
when a love relationship is ending. It is a
special kind of anger that usually hasn’t
been experienced before.”
When anger is coupled with divorce, it’s
often used as a misguided means of hanging
on to a failed marriage. After all, for many
people, a bad relationship is better than no
relationship at all. Divorce anger allows
people to punish their ex as often as possi-
ble, all the while maintaining an ongoing
(bitter) relationship with him/her. It’s a sit-
uation that leaves both partners in divorce
limbo, a perilous situation that obstructs
growth and self-awareness. If you wish to
move forward you’ll need to learn to handle
your anger.
Some people hold onto their anger so
tightly – stoking the fires on a daily basis –
that their rage takes over their whole lives,
coloring and informing all their thoughts
and actions. They weigh every action to see
how much emotional or physical harm it
will inflict on their ex-spouse (even simply
being a nuisance will do “in a pinch”) with-
out seeing the injuries they may be inflict-
ing on innocent victims. Using children as
human shields in the divorce battle is a com-
mon way to fan the flames of divorce anger.
Many scenarios are possible, all of which are
damaging and punitive to the children: the
custodial parent withholds visitation from
the non-custodial parent; the non-custodial
parent refuses to pay child support; the cus-
todial parent “forgets” to pick the children
up; or the non-custodial parent is hours late
in bringing them back. “We forget what’s
best for the children because we are so intent
on getting that other person,” writes Ahrons.
But “getting back through the kids is hitting
below the belt.”
Divorce anger is also often expressed
through the legal process itself. Here, it’s
very important to remember that your
lawyer is your advocate not your therapist
or your best friend. Expressing anger to
your ex-spouse through the legal process
invariably leads to prolonged, emotional
proceedings that will ultimately leave you
and the family resources drained dry.
Using the court as a venue to vent your
anger is a bad idea for a couple of key rea-
sons: it’s the wrong venue, and it’s very
expensive (financially and emotionally).
Unfortunately, the legal divorce process
itself tends to add fuel to the fires of anger.
Dividing property (some of which has great
sentimental value) and trying to prove your
case for custody and/or support can be very
emotionally charged because these issues
underline what is being lost or changed
because of your divorce. Some degree of
upset is inevitable, but driving yourself
alongside your ex into bankruptcy is truly
cutting off your nose to spite your face.
So how can you cope with this new and
intense anger? The key lies in understand-
ing its roots and in finding constructive
ways to express the hurt, disappointment,
and loss that both you and your former
spouse are feeling now as you proceed
through separation and divorce.
Here’s some advice about coping with
your own and your ex-spouse’s divorce-
related anger.
If You’re Angry: Write it out. Work through your anger by
keeping a journal or by writing letters you
don’t mail.
Divorce-related anger canliterally make you crazy,causing you to say and dothings you’d never dream ofif you were thinking clearly.Even though it’s a normalpart of the healing process,anger can become adestructive force in yourlife. Here’s how to cope.
Managing ANGER
DIVORCE GUIDE | 15
Shout it out. Roll up the windows in your
car, or put your head in a pillow and scream.
Talk it out. It’s important when you’re angry
to develop your own personal support sys-
tem. Instead of directing your anger at your
ex-spouse, talk to a good friend (or two), or
find a therapist who specializes in anger
management.
Get some professional help. Anger can
suppress other emotions, both positive and
negative. Talking to a professional can
help you begin to feel those emotions
you’ve been suppressing and move past
the anger. You could also benefit from a
support or anger-management group where
you can share your story of isolation and
help people move to a position of growth
and development.
Take responsibility for your part of the marriage break-up. “It’s a rare couple in
which both partners were exactly equal in
the breaking of the marriage, but it’s an
even rarer couple in which one partner was
solely at fault,” writes Constance Ahrons
in The Good Divorce.
Do some personal growth work. Anger is a
great motivator towards action and can pro-
pel you to take steps in your life to change
situations.
Learn what “pushes your buttons.” Try to
understand your anger – and what triggers
it – before you express it. Don’t be afraid to
say that you need some time to think about
your response.
Protect your children. Never make them
part of your conflict with your former part-
ner by withholding visitation or support or
poisoning their minds against your ex.
“For the sake of the children, if for no
other reason, learn constructive methods
of expressing anger,” Ahrons says.
Keep conflicts at a moderate level. Your ex
will often match your level of intensity.
And be sure to choose your battles careful-
ly. Expressing every little irritation and
disagreement provokes resentment.
Think about the most important issues and
let go of the small stuff.
Use “I-messages” when expressing anger.Say: “I feel disappointed when you don’t
call,” not: “You stupid idiot, you’re always
late!"
Give yourself time to recover from the lossof your marriage. On average, experts say
that the healing process takes about two
years. “It’s important to realize how sad
you are,” says Ahrons. “This won’t
necessarily make you more vulnerable to
your ex-spouse; your successful handling
of your emotions puts you in a more
powerful position.”
Forgive, let go, move on. Anger can
become a comfort, a constant in our lives,
but as long as you continue to nurse your
anger against your ex, you will never have
a happy, fulfilled, post-divorce life. Own
your responsibility for the break-up, and
realize that you have the power to make the
choice to forgive and move on, or stay
angry and remain stuck. It doesn’t
matter what your ex does; you can still
choose forgiveness.
If Your Ex is Angry:Listen to and validate your ex-spouse’scomments. By really listening to his or her
concerns, you may learn where the anger is
coming from and identify what you can do
to help. It also really helps to defuse the
situation by saying something like, “I under-
stand why you’re angry with me.”
Don’t be afraid to take a “time-out.” Walk
away from an anger attack if you can’t han-
dle it. You can try saying, “I’m not going to
talk to you until you calm down.” Put
limits on what you’ll take and how you’ll be
treated.
Get some assertiveness training to boostyour self-esteem. “Anger is like a fire that
must be burned up into the ashes of for-
giveness,” writes Ahrons. “If we are passive,
it is like throwing more logs onto the fire...”
Try not to take your ex-spouse’s commentstoo personally. Remember that anger is a
projection of one’s own inner feelings and
one’s own world. Accept the fact that this
person is angry because they’re going
through turmoil.
Stay calm. It can really help de-escalate the
other person’s anger. Relaxation techniques,
such as deep breathing, can be effective
when you’re listening to someone who’s
really angry.
Learn to recognize your own hot buttons.When someone pushes one of your buttons,
your response is going to be way out of
proportion to the offense.
Try to feel a little compassion – no matterhow hard that may be. Your ex may be
feeling fearful and threatened, so try to hear
what’s underneath the anger; quite often,
it’s fear, pain, or shame. Showing empathy
or compassion for your ex can go a long
way to defusing his or her anger.
Be honest with yourself. Recognize that
when someone is angry with you, there
may be something in what they’re saying.
If your ex is yelling at you, you can choose
to think he/she’s a jerk and start yelling
back, or you can “dig for the gold” in what
he/she’s saying. Keep the gold; discard the
dirt and rocks.
Value your safety above all else. If your for-
mer partner’s divorce anger seems to be
headed in a dangerous direction, put some
boundaries in place and communicate
through a third party. Threats should always
be taken seriously: remove yourself from
the situation and refuse face-to-face
contact if you sense any danger at all.
Jane Nahirny is the Editorial Director ofDivorce Magazine.
When someone pushes one of your buttons,
your response is going to be way out of
proportion to the offense.
16 | DIVORCE GUIDE
THE BREAKDOWN of a marriage is
one of the most traumatic things that can
happen in your life. Divorce can cause pro-
found feelings of loss, failure, regret, aban-
donment, emptiness, fear of the future,
and/or powerlessness – especially if you
didn’t initiate the split.
There’s no quick fix to your anger and
grief, but there is a journey toward a more
satisfying and fulfilling life that you can
start right now. The transition from despair
to satisfaction starts with your determination
not to be a victim of your circumstances;
happiness doesn’t depend so much on what
happens to you, but on how you deal with
what happens to you. Change your way of
thinking: decide that you’re not going to let
divorce take control of your life, and you’ll
be taking the first step towards recovery. If
you are determined to wallow in defeat and
sorrow, then the divorce has already won.
Feel the Pain, Then Let it GoDivorce is a loss, so allow yourself to grieve.
“You have to allow the hurt to run its
course,” says relationship expert, workshop
leader, and best-selling author Bill Ferguson.
“The more you allow yourself to feel the
pain, the more it comes and the more
it goes.”
Divorce-recovery is a process, and it
takes time. How long you will take to heal
depends on many factors, including the
length of your marriage, whether you were
abused, and the support you receive from
family and friends. “You must take the
process of recovery seriously,” urges
Micki McWade, who has developed a
12-step divorce-recovery program in her
book Getting Up, Getting Over, GettingOn (Championship Press, 1999). “People
have high expectations of themselves;
they think they should be getting over it
quickly and immediately. But for every
five years married, it takes about one year to
get over it. Don’t suppress your feelings
or act as if it never happened, but give
the process respect. If you bypass the
process, it sets you up for a fall.”
Erase Revenge, Blame, and GuiltEven when the divorce is over, anger, blame,
and/or guilt may dominate your thoughts. If
you want to feel better, you’ll have to work
through and release these feelings. It’s
unlikely that either you or your spouse is
100% responsible for the end of your mar-
riage; perhaps both of you should have put
more effort into it, or perhaps you were sim-
ply not a compatible couple. Whatever your
situation, you have nothing to gain – and a
lot to lose – by lashing out at yourself or
your ex-spouse.
Most definitely do not resort to revenge.
It’s a dish best not served at all, even if your
ex has hurt you without shame. Vengeance
doesn’t make the hurt go away; it sets a
horrible example of social behavior for your
children, and it stalls you from moving on.
Revenge never fulfills its intended purpose:
it doesn’t “teach a lesson” to the person
who hurt you, but rather provokes that per-
son to get back at you in turn, starting a
cycle of tit-for-tat vengeance that causes
Contrary to what youmight believe, personalhappiness is not dependenton life dealing you a goodhand. How you respond to what comes your way will largely determinewhether your life is fulfillingor not; here’s how to movefrom dissatisfaction to realsatisfaction.
CREATING ASatisfying Life
DIVORCE GUIDE | 17
unnecessary anguish on both sides. Revenge
is extremely harmful at its worst and a waste
of time at its best.
After all you’ve gone through, it may
be tempting to see yourself as the eternal vic-
tim of your former spouse. But adopting
this role prevents you from embracing
responsibility for your own actions, whether
or not you really have been a victim. On
the other hand, it’s no more constructive to
blame yourself for everything. Immersing
yourself in guilt, or playing the “if only”
game, will keep you stuck in the past and
afraid to make a decision in case it’s the
wrong one.“You need to let go of the non-
empowering emotions,” advises Mike
Lipkin, a Toronto-based motivational speak-
er and the author of Your Personal Best(Environics/Lipkin, 2002). “Anytime you
stay angry at someone, you are letting them
live rent-free inside your head.”
Look for the Hidden Gift“Problems are just opportunities in their
work clothes,” said the late Henry J. Kaiser.
If you change your way of thinking to con-
sciously look for the positive effects in any
negative event, you may experience a rad-
ical change in your emotions and your out-
look on life.
The “gift” that comes out of suffering
isn’t always immediately apparent. This is
where you need to develop the ability to
“turn lemons into lemonade,” as the old
saying goes. It takes courage, character,
imagination, and perspective to accept the
inevitable, and even use it as the basis to
create something positive. Sometimes, the
most beneficial thing to come out of bad
times is what you’ve learned from them,
and you should acknowledge that to your-
self. You need to look at the situation and
say, “What’s the lesson here? What have I
learned from this experience?” The benefits
of doing this include a sense of empower-
ment from having used your experience to
grow wiser, and using your new-found wis-
dom to avoid the same pitfall if it comes
up again. Experience is a hard way to learn
how to get through life, but it’s a very effec-
tive teacher.
The Power of ChoiceNow that you’ve grieved, let go of your
hurt, and looked for positive aspects of your
situation, it’s time to start exploring your
options as to where life can take you next,
or, rather, where you will take it. If fulfill-
ment is your aim, you have to proactively
make choices about where to go instead of
waiting for things to happen to you.“In
divorce, it’s important to heal your hurt,
and it’s also important to get on with your
life,” Ferguson points out. “The main thing
is to be active. Life is like being in water: as
long as you’re swimming, you stay above
water, but if you stop moving, you sink.
During divorce, some people get caught in
upset and then withdraw from life, eventu-
ally sinking into depression. You need to
move forward and start creating dreams.
Find things that you love to do.”
Weigh the pros and cons, then take
action. If you’re dissatisfied with your job
or your financial situation, take the initiative
to update your resume and look for some-
thing more fulfilling, or at least to work
toward promotion to a higher position or
ask for a raise. If you’re feeling courageous,
you might even switch career paths com-
pletely and start over, although you have
to balance this desire with the need to put
food on the table and maintain a roof over
your head. If you want to improve your
education or technical skills, or if you just
have an unsatisfied hunger for learning, go
back to school in the evenings.
“Between anything happening to us and
our response is the power to choose our
response,” says Stephen R. Covey,
renowned motivational expert and author
of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People(Simon & Schuster, 1990). Through the
power of choice, Covey has helped numer-
ous people overcome setbacks in their lives
and go on to achieve valuable contributions
to their communities. “Use the power of
choice to bring yourself new meaning and
new relationships. It will transcend a diffi-
cult past and help you learn from it. The
only real failure is a mistake not learned
from,” he says.
The power to learn from your past and
choose where to go next is the opposite of
seeing yourself as a victim with no control
over your life. Covey points out the four
“basic human endowments” that go into the
power of choice:
1. Self-awareness. We can observe our
own past and see how it has developed our
own strengths and weaknesses;
2. Imagination. We can picture ourselves in
a new way and reinvent ourselves. “Our
memory is limited and self-limiting,” says
Covey, “but our imagination is unlimited
and expansive, and it feeds on optimism
and hope.”
3. Conscience. Our inner sense tells us what
is right and wrong; and
4. Willpower. The power of navigating your
own life can awaken powers within you
that you may have forgotten you had, or of
which you were unaware. It will at least
revitalize your confidence and control, and
this has to come from within. If your part-
ner defined much of your self-image, you
need to take a fresh look at yourself and
decide who you are now, as well as who
you want to be in the future.
Improve Your OutlookAlthough it may take a while to complete-
ly recover from your divorce, there are many
little things you could do to boost your
spirits in the meantime. For example:
• Have a guys’/girls’ night out with your
friends.
• Do a good deed without expecting a
reward.
• Join a club, sports team, arts group,
support group, or any other special-
interest organization.
•Play with a puppy or kitten.
•Take a night class in some subject
you’ve always wanted to learn about.
• Surprise an old friend you haven’t spo-
ken to in months or years with a phone
call or e-mail.
• Volunteer at a charity or cause.
• Buy yourself a treat. Stay within your
budget, however, or this one will
rebound on you.
Jeffrey Cottrill is a former ContributingEditor to Divorce Magazine.
WHEN you’re having a problem, isn’t it a
comfort to talk to someone who has “been
there, done that?” Healing from the trauma
of divorce and separation in isolation is
extremely difficult, and may even be haz-
ardous to your health. There’s something
comforting about being with others who
understand the painful process and lifestyle
alterations of divorce: lots of heads nod-
ding in agreement while you talk of your
suffering and your accomplishments can be
very healing indeed. According to research,
one of the many benefits a group can offer
is a boost to the immune system! Some
groups not only offer support, but also help
fight for their members’ rights and advo-
cate for social and political change. And,
in helping others, you will find yourself
moving a little more quickly in the healing
process.
Groups large and small, professionally
operated or member-run, can provide not
only understanding and support, but an
exchange of useful, pragmatic information.
If your previous circle of mutual friends
is no longer available to you, you may have
to make your way alone in an unfamiliar
world, and this can be a frightening experi-
ence. Here’s where a group of “fellow trav-
elers” can be helpful. But how do you know
what kind of group is right for you?
Types of GroupsTherapy or Support Groups: A therapy
group is run by a professional therapist.
You will be charged a fee and there are
attendance requirements.
A support group is usually led by a com-
munity volunteer or church leader, or it may
be facilitated by a professional. Many of
these support groups are free and have an
open attendance policy.
Men only, women only, or mixed: A
coed group can be an opportunity to work on
male/female relationships in a safe, con-
trolled environment. A group consisting of
women only will help women develop sup-
portive female relationships; and a group
of all men will help men safely express their
feelings without too much embarrassment.
Points to ConsiderSize: Some groups are so large they may
feel intimidating and you may not get the
attention you need. On the other hand, you
may like the anonymity of being part of a
crowd.
Location: In the hectic balancing act of jobs
and children, during and after divorce, it
can be helpful to attend a group relatively
close to home.
Frequency: Some groups meet once a week,
others once a month. Choose one that will
meet your needs (if you’re in the early stages
or a difficult patch, you may want to attend
a group that meets more often than once a
month).
Philosophy: Is there a religious orientation?
Twelve-step approach? Is it open to the pub-
lic?
Commitment: Some groups require a com-
mitment of ten weeks, or three months, or
If your previous circle of mutual friends is no longer available to you, you may have to makeyour way alone in an unfamiliar world, and this can be a frightening experience. Here’s wherea divorce support group of “fellow travelers” can be helpful. But how do you know what kindof group is right for you?
Finding SUPPORT
18 | DIVORCE GUIDE
some other time period. Others are open-
ended, meaning you can attend every week
for years, only requiring a two-week notice
to the group before you quit.
The Right FitFinding the right group for you will be eas-
ier if you pay attention to your intuition and
your gut-level feelings. Keep trying until
you find the right fit. The following exercise
should help you decide which group is best
for you. The first time you go to a divorce-
support or therapy group, take a pencil and
paper with you. Either during or immedi-
ately after, jot down words that describe
how you’re feeling (e.g. tense or relaxed,
unheard or validated, ignored or welcomed,
shamed or accepted, etc.). Now do this again
the second time you go, and once more on
the third. Are you still feeling the same as
you did the first time and second time?
If your experience is mostly positive,
continue with the group. But if you notice
you have written mostly about uncomfort-
able feelings, then it may not be the group
for you. Keep looking until you find a fit.
Remember: a group is meant to be a sup-
portive learning environment. In your analy-
sis, take into account, however, that you
will not feel uplifted each time you go.
Grieving and the divorce-recovery process
takes time.
Starting Your Own GroupIf you can’t find a group in your area, you
may want to start one. Talk to your local
library about using their community room
for meetings. Talk to a minister, priest, or
rabbi in your community to see if they’d
be willing to lead one if you were to act as
the contact person. Being proactive about
starting a group can help you to feel more in
control of your life, which is important in
these uncertain times.
Internet GroupsInternet “chat rooms” dedicated to separa-
tion and divorce issues or online support
groups can provide a less intimidating way
to start getting the support you need. There
are many such support groups on the inter-
net. I checked out several of the interactive
“chat rooms” and interviewed participants
about what benefits they got from the expe-
rience. One said he liked the anonymity.
Another said, “I make friends, and it helps
with the long, lonely hours.” When I was in
the chat room, however, I found the pace of
conversation too fast for me. Several people
were “speaking” at the same time, and it
seemed like a jumble of voices. It certainly
didn’t feel very supportive, and I didn’t feel
heard at all, but each to his own.
Group BenefitsWhen you commit to a divorce support or
therapy group, you “take the members with
you” in spirit when you go into difficult sit-
uations. You’re never really alone. And
sometimes members will physically accom-
pany you if you need and ask for some extra
help. Recently, Maureen (one of my group
members) had to go for a custody hearing
and told the group that she was scared.
Shelly, another group member, volunteered
to accompany her to the court and wait for
her while the hearing was taking place.
Solitude is as important as a group expe-
rience at this time. In solitude comes the
opportunity (if we’re not afraid) to slow
down, to reflect, and to gain a deeper inner
vision of ourselves, our responsibilities, and
our needs. However, if we spend too much
time alone, we risk believing our inner voic-
es; the ones that beat up on us. A group
offers the opportunity to check out what we
“learned” in solitude and to find out if what
we’ve been telling ourselves is true.
After You Begin
Arrive on time: Nothing is more disruptive
to a group process than late-comers!
Be receptive: When you’re wounded and
your self-esteem is low, another hurdle you
face is allowing the group the opportunity to
“give” to you. Work on believing you have
earned the right to receive good things from
other people.
Respect each other’s privacy: Don’t talk
about group members outside the confines
of the group
Give it time: Think about the friends in your
life and you’ll see that with time, the level
and depth of their friendship was revealed
– the same goes for a group experience.
Be observant: Notice how their words
and actions match. If you begin to see an old
pattern that has not served you in relation-
ships, ask the group for feedback.
Measuring Your SuccessOne of the best ways to affirm you are grow-
ing and recovering is to hear your support
group assure you of “how far you’ve come.”
In the group you will meet others who are
“back where you once were” in the jour-
ney or ahead of you in their healing; some
who are ready to begin new relationships,
and others who are just beginning the recov-
ery process. Wherever they are, you’ll find
many common threads as you share your
divorce experience with them. ν
Pamela D. Blair is a psychotherapist inHawthorne, NY. She specializes indivorce, marriage, and grief counseling;offers support groups; and publishes a newsletter entitled “Surviving Divorce.”
Here are Some Questions to Ask Yourself When
Choosing a Self-help Group:
What are you looking for in a group?Emotional support? Information about
the condition? Information about how
to get the help you need? Access to ser-
vices? People you can relate to?
Is there a contact person from thegroup who can respond to your
inquiries and who can send you infor-
mation before you attend a meeting?
Does the group have any prerequisitesor requirements for attending the
group?
Is the meeting place accessible to youwith regard to transportation or
special needs (wheelchair access, inter-
preter)?
Are you comfortable with the generalmakeup of the group (age, gender,
religious affiliation, etc.)?
Do you feel safe after a few visits? Is this group open to individual
participation?
Do members reach out to each other– including you – beyond meetings?
Do meeting facilitators have sufficientskills and/or is there enough clarity in
the meeting format to meet your
needs?
DIVORCE GUIDE | 19
HURT, pain, loss, and anger are a few of
the feelings you may have about your sep-
aration or divorce. And while this may be
one of the most painful or stressful periods
in your life, it’s at least doubly so for your
children.
Experts agree that far too often it’s chil-
dren who suffer most in separation or
divorce proceedings, and so it’s important to
handle telling them in a mature, adult man-
ner. “Before you tell your kids about your
decision to end your marriage, discuss with
your spouse what you are going to say and
how you will say it,” says Stephanie
Marston, a licensed marriage, family, and
child counselor, in her new book TheDivorced Parent (William Morrow and
Company). Julie Criss-Hagerty, Ph.D., a
licensed clinical psychologist in Newhall,
CA, concurs and adds, “The optimum time
is when you have made the final decision to
separate and you have a time line as to what
is going to happen. Have a game plan in
mind with details about visitations, phone
calls, and where Mom and Dad are going to
be living.” The more information children
have about the day-to-day facts, the better
they are able to deal with this period.
Here are some strategies and tips for
talking to your kids, and for helping them
deal with the aftermath of the news.
Tell Them Together, as Early as PossibleIf possible, this job should not be done solo.
“There are several advantages to telling
your children the news together. You let
them know that your decision is mutual,
mature, and rational, one that you both have
considered carefully and to which you are
committed,” says Marston.
Michael Cochrane, a family lawyer and
the author of Surviving Your Parents’Divorce (John Wiley & Sons), also advises
that you and your ex-spouse have a defi-
nite plan or strategy for telling the kids
before you talk to them. “Knowing which
parent is going to say what, and agreeing
that you will support one another in front of
the children, will make this difficult con-
versation a little easier,” he explains.
Parents are often surprised that their chil-
dren know about an impending separation or
divorce long before they are officially told.
That’s because separation and divorce are
usually preceded by tension or arguing in the
home. However, the kids still need to be
officially told, no matter what they might
have figured out for themselves.
“It’s best if both parents can give the
children the news as a couple,” confirms
Robert M. Galatzer-Levy, M.D., a Chicago-
based child and adolescent psychiatrist and
the author of The Scientific Basis of ChildCustody Decisions (John Wiley & Sons).
“If they can cooperate enough to do this, it
will send a positive message about the
future.” This approach will give both of
you an opportunity to reassure your children
of your continued love for them. However,
if you think there’s going to be a lot of con-
flict or a confrontation if you tell the
children together, then it’s better to have
one of you break the news to the children
alone. Re-enacting major battles in front
of your children will probably do more
damage than the news of the separation or
divorce itself.
See Things Through Your Children’s EyesIt’s a good idea to work out some of the
details of your separation or divorce before
you sit down with the kids. Knowing things
such as where they will live, which parent
they will live with, and visitation schedules
will help your kids get over the initial shock
of the news. Although your children
will have an immediate emotional response
to the news of your separation or divorce,
don’t be surprised if most of their questions
are practical and appear somewhat
self-centered.
Children’s concerns and questions often
How, what, and when to tellthe children about yourdivorce.
CHILD’S PLAY?
20 | DIVORCE GUIDE
depend on their age. “Most children have
questions about their security: where they
are going to live, or if they’re going to stay
at the same school,” says Carol-Ann Flicker,
Ph.D., a clinical child psychologist in
Beverly Hills. “If they don’t ask the ques-
tions, they may act them out. Younger chil-
dren in particular ‘play divorce’ and take
various roles. In some children, there will be
sadness and depression. Other kids will be
hyper or aggressive, and in some cases, you
will see regressive behavior.”
“It’s important to see the problem
through your child’s eyes,” says Dr.
Galatzer-Levy. “A three year old might be
most concerned about where the dog’s going
to be living, while a 15 year old wants to
know if he or she’ll be going to a different
high school.” Both you and your ex-spouse
may want to consult parenting books or
a therapist or mediator before talking to
your children.
Be Honest When it comes to telling the children
about the reasons for your separation or
divorce, honesty is of the utmost impor-
tance. “Try to be as truthful as you can
given the age of the kids. Children don’t
just listen to the words. They listen to the
tone; they notice the look. They see the
evidence,” Flicker says. Criss-Hagerty
agrees: “Deceptions may be easier for the
parent in the beginning, but they will
backfire later, and the child will get angry
when he or she finds out that the truth
has been withheld.”
Be Age-appropriate Being honest doesn’t mean you should fill
them in on every sordid, adult detail; make
sure you talk to them in an age-appropriate
manner. “A younger child needs simple
information, and it should cover what’s hap-
pening and what’s going to happen to them.
Don’t give them too much information all at
once,” advises Flicker. “Teenagers may be
more willing to ask why – and they may
question the fidelity of one parent. The bot-
tom line in divorce is don’t lie and don’t
bad-mouth the other parent.”
Stick to the Facts Divorcing parents of adult children should
also refrain from saying too much. It’s
tempting to use your adult kids as sounding
boards or therapists, but the long-term prob-
lems you’ll cause far outweigh any short-
lived satisfaction you might feel after
unburdening yourself to your child.
Keep it Real You may also feel compelled to paint a pic-
ture of a “better life” after the divorce to
smooth things over. Don’t promise things
that won’t or can’t happen. If the children
ask you something that you’re unsure of –
whether or not everyone has to move out of
the family home, for example – let them
know you’re not sure and that you’ll keep
them up-to-date.
Be Prepared for All Types of ReactionsA child’s age, gender, and level of under-
standing will affect how they react to the
news of your impending separation
or divorce. A preschooler may not under-
stand the implications of divorce, but will
certainly notice an absent parent, and may
fear complete abandonment. An adolescent
might assign blame to the parent he or she
believes is at fault. Most children feel guilty,
but while a teenager may wonder and ask if
he or she is the cause of the separation, a
younger child will often assume he or she
is responsible.
Above all, let your children express their
feelings about the separation or divorce,
whether it’s denial, sadness, or anger. Since
you’re probably going through a pretty
tough time yourself right now, you may be
tempted to conclude that your kids are fine
when they’re actually quite upset.
Listen Most children respond to the news of a sep-
aration or divorce with a lot of questions,
such as: “Why is this happening to us/me?”
or “Why can’t we all live together?” While
it’s important to listen to their concerns and
answer their questions honestly, it’s just as
important to listen for their “hidden” ques-
tions and concerns. A child often won’t ask
the questions that are really on his or her
mind: “Is it my fault?” “Will you leave me
next?” “Will you always love me?” Children
of any age will need repeated assurances
that you love them and won’t leave them.
“Children of divorce often feel abandoned,
particularly when one parent leaves. This
is why the phone calls and the knowledge of
when they will be visiting the absent parent
are crucial. Reassure them that you under-
stand their feelings,” says Criss-Hagerty.
Keep the Kids Out of the MiddleYou can’t stress enough that this is an adult
problem, that the adults are going to work it
out, and that you’re going to continue to
love your children, no matter what happens.
Don’t ever use your kids as bargaining
tools. Every parent in the middle of a
divorce has probably thought at least once
of using his or her child to get back at a
former spouse. Thoughts of withholding
support, refusing visitation, or just plain
dumping on your kids about your ex may
give you moments of pleasure, but ulti-
mately, these actions will only hurt your
children.
Nor should you force your children to
take sides. Do whatever you can to avoid
asking them to give up their loyalty and
love for their other parent, either directly
or indirectly. This includes subtly trying to
find out information about your ex’s activ-
ities or telling the kids you’d like to buy
them new shoes “but Dad’s not giving us
enough money,” for example. Trying to co-
opt a child’s loyalty is very damaging: your
children will start to feel responsible for
your problems and try to solve them.
Remember that your kids aren’t divorcing
your ex: you are.
Teri Morrison is a former Contributing Editor to Divorce Magazine.
A child’s age, gender, and level of understanding
will affect how they react to the news of
your impending separation or divorce.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 21
HAVE YOU thought about what you're
going to do with your new life when your
divorce is final? Now is a good time to re-
evaluate your priorities, interests, and goals
– to give yourself a jump start. If divorce is
the end of your old life, it's also the start of
a new one. There are many steps you can
take to rebuild your life, so make sure to
take this opportunity to turn your life into
one that you love.
You can choose a quick fix – get a new
look, travel somewhere you've never been,
or trade in the family van for a hot new
sportscar – or long-term enrichment –
getting in touch with yourself as a person,
participating in personal growth seminars, or
going back to school. A quick fix isn't nec-
essarily "a wrong choice, but it may not be
sufficient," cautions Dr. Marilyn Miller, a
psychologist in private practice in Toronto.
"People need to develop a healthy relation-
ship with themselves, and part of doing that
is being able to nurture themselves. A quick
fix may only satisfy them for a short period,"
she explains.
Whether you pursue "immediate grati-
fication" or long-term enrichment, what
you'll learn from the experience is like "a
tool in a tool box," says Sandra Norris, a
psychotherapist and associate of the Mind-
Body Health Centre in Toronto. "You'll use
that tool again. It's a reminder of what was
done to reduce stress. [The experience]
never leaves the brain."
Take a TripJoe* has some happy memories of what he
did to rebuild his life after his divorce. He
planned a trip to Vancouver Island with his
kids to visit relatives – and to buy a Harley
Davidson motorcycle. His idea was to ride
his new Harley across Canada by himself,
which was something he had always want-
ed to do, but wasn't able to do during his
marriage. He was glad he took the trip
because it gave him a lot of time to be by
himself and think about what he really want-
ed in life. "It was also a lot of fun," he says.
"And I really needed some fun in my life
after my marriage broke up."
Phone HomeVisiting your family and friends can also
help you get back on your feet. This is part
of what Larry Nissan, director of the
Psychotherapy Institute in Toronto, calls
"redemption." A lot of people become so
involved in their nuclear family that they
lose track of friends and relatives during a
divorce. Re-establishing ties with parents
and siblings can help you to create your
own personal support group to boost your
morale and help you through the rough
patches. "All of us have unfinished busi-
ness," Nissan explains. "You may not have
talked to your old pals or the best man at
your wedding for a while because of the
intensity of your divorce."
To Your HealthYou must take care of yourself physically
during times of great stress. "Without your
health, what have you got?" Nissan asks.
He doesn't recommend a "maniacal" fitness
plan, but advises you to eat properly and
be active. Your physical health is tied into
your emotional health, according to Norris:
the emotional pain you may be feeling – or
suppressing – can manifest itself in back
pain, headaches, or other ailments. Norris
says that women are more open to recog-
nizing this concept than men, and to healing
and nurturing themselves through coun-
selling or massage therapy, for example.
Men tend to be more "pragmatic" in their
approach to healing themselves – they'll
usually identify the physical discomfort
before the emotional. Although their
approaches are different, Norris says that
men and women "both want love, care, sup-
port, and to feel better physically and emo-
tionally."
Pamela* took care of her well-being in
Set sail for a NEW future
Chart a course for a new life that you will love.
22 | DIVORCE GUIDE
many ways. "One of the major symbolic
acts towards building a new life was to quit
smoking," she says. "It started to snowball
from there." It gave her a feeling of power
that enabled her to quit a "corporate worka-
holic job" and start her own business. By
cutting back her workload and taking a
course at Eli Bay's Relaxation Response
Institute, she reduced the stress and anxiety
that dominated her life during and after her
divorce, and was able to start exploring
what she wanted in life.
Reconnect with YourselfTo sort out her thoughts, Pamela started a
journal, which was "central" in rebuilding
her life. "While your marriage is in the
process of failing, you get out of contact
with yourself, so writing in a journal helped
me reconnect," Pamela explains. She also
started taking art classes, and resumed draw-
ing, which before her marriage was "as
essential to me as breathing, but it had gone
by the wayside." Pamela believes her tran-
sition has been successful because "the
momentum of positive change is happening.
One thing leads to three things, which leads
to nine things, and so on."
EducationAn excellent way to create a new life is go
back to school. Night or weekend universi-
ty or community college courses can help
you improve your skills so you can get a
better job – or get back in the workforce
after staying home to raise your kids. Self-
improvement classes can help you under-
stand yourself, relationships, or parenting,
for example, and practical courses (many
offered by the Board of Education) can fill
the gaps that your ex-spouse left: car repair,
cooking, financial planning, or home repair,
for instance.
MakeoversAs well as taking care of their internal well-
being, people may also want to make some
exterior changes during this transitional
period. Dr. Stan Gore, the medical director
of The Center for Hair Transplantation in
Toronto, says that his divorced clients want
to rebuild their hairline to increase their
competitiveness in the romantic playing
field. "Most men are bothered by the aging
process," Dr. Gore says. "Some men look
older than they are and want to look their
age or younger. Their priorities are to look
as young and as fit as possible."
Antoinette Freeman, creative director of
L'Image Nouveau, has made a career out
of helping people to change their look. She
says about 30% of her clients are divorced,
and when they decide they want a new look,
they want it now. Freeman says that men
and women approach image makeovers dif-
ferently: most women go for a complete
change (hair, makeup, and wardrobe), while
men update their wardrobe, adding more
colour to it, for instance, or buying new
eyeglasses. Some men choose to get some
highlights for their hair, get rid of some
gray hair, grow their hair long, or look into
surgical or non-surgical solutions to male-
pattern baldness.
During Pamela's divorce, she nurtured
her body with regular trips to a chiropractor
and a massage therapist, but she also treat-
ed herself to a couple of sybaritic days at a
local spa. "There's a self-indulgent aspect to
it, which is badly needed at this time," she
says. "And it makes you feel wonderful."
Perhaps you'd like to make a more dra-
matic change to your appearance, using a
vehicle such as cosmetic surgery, dieting, or
hiring a personal trainer to help you with
your "personal renovation project." This
is fine – as long as you can afford it, and
as long as you haven't fooled yourself
into thinking that your life will be perfect
as soon as you've "fixed" your physical
imperfections.
Home ImprovementImproving your surroundings can also help
launch you into a new life. Joe says that
when he rented his new apartment after his
divorce, he went out bought all new furni-
ture, other home necessities, and some "guy
stuff" – a big TV and a good stereo system.
He made a comfortable new home for him-
self because "the last thing you want to do
is live in a hole and feel horrible," he
explains.
If you're on a tight budget, look into low-
cost options such as shopping at warehouse
outlets or used-furniture stores. Consider
the possibility of bartering through news-
paper classifieds, grocery-store bulletin
boards, or the Internet. Perhaps you could
trade that extra single bed for a couch, or a
bicycle for a painting.
A Little Help from Your Friends This is also a good time to expand your
social circle. You may have lost some
friends during your divorce because you
were part of a "couple group," or some may
choose to remain friends only with your ex,
so it's important to build or reinforce your
support network. "This is an opportunity to
be open socially to friendship – to develop
relationships with people you might not
have otherwise," Nissan says. Dr. Miller
suggests that you expand your social
involvement with people, such as friends,
family, or fellow members of a club or asso-
ciation you belong to, who can help you to
grow as a person and beyond being part of
a relationship. If that's not enough, profes-
sional counsellors can help you with your
personal growth.
Expanding your social circle doesn't
mean that you should start dating right away.
Most experts say that you shouldn't start
dating until one or two years after you
divorce. "You need to build a comfortable
relationship with yourself first," says Dr.
Miller. Part of Joe's healing process, how-
ever, was starting to date casually soon after
his divorce. "It helped me get over the
depression and still feel desirable to the
opposite sex," he explains. "It just felt like
the right thing to do at the time." Joe does-
n't recommend getting into serious dating
too early – he learned that the hard way – but
casual dating helped him realize that there
was "nothing wrong" with him.
Destination: New LifeThere's a lot to consider when you're rebuild-
ing your life. You don't have to have a big
plan; you don't have to do anything right
away. You don't even have spend a lot of
money. You just have to do what feels right
for you and will make you happy. "Whether
a marriage works or doesn't work, it's not a
statement about your ability to love – it's a
statement about that one relationship,"
Nissan says. "This is an opportunity for
renewed optimism."
Pamela says she's still in the process of
rebuilding several years after becoming
legally divorced. "It's a journey, not a
destination. People shouldn't be looking for
the self-discovery process to end." It's only
the beginning.
* Names have changed to protect their privacy.
Meg Mathur is a former ContributingEditor to Divorce Magazine.
DIVORCE GUIDE | 23
1) Recognize that what you’re going through
is normal. “It’s an emotional process,” says
M. Chet Mirman, Ph.D., a clinical psy-
chologist and co-founder of The Center for
Divorce Recovery, a Chicago-area psy-
chotherapy center specializing in divorce-
related issues. “It helps when someone’s
going through a divorce if they remind
themselves that this is a normal part of the
process – that this too will pass.”
2) Go on living your life as fully as possible
while grieving the loss of your marriage,
advises Jeffrey Rossman, Ph.D., a psy-
chologist and the director of the Behavioral
Health Department at Canyon Ranch in the
Berkshires. Know that the grieving can take
place right alongside full engagement with
life, he says. “And try to ‘live well’: That’s
a wonderful way to boost your self-esteem.”
3) Calm, subdue, and wrestle those self-
punishing thoughts to the ground. In their
book, Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice(New Harbinger Publications, 2002), Robert
W. Firestone, Ph.D., Lisa Firestone, Ph.D.,
and Joyce Catlett, M.A. note that: “The
critical inner voice is the language of the
defended, negative side of your person ality;
the side that is opposed to your
ongoing personal development.”
4) Work to replace the inner critic with a
healthier voice. Pick up a copy of Self-Esteem, by Matthew McKay, Ph.D. and
Patrick Fanning (New Harbinger
Publications, 2000). Chapter Four deals
with “Accurate Self-Assessment.” These
important pages will help you create a
realistic inventory of your strengths and
weaknesses, which the authors claim will
lead to a “self-description that is accurate,
fair, and supportive.”
5) Avoid assigning blame, either to your ex
or to yourself. When you feel yourself blam-
ing either yourself or your spouse, shift to
learning, suggests Dr. Rossman. “Ask your-
self, ‘What can I learn from this?’” Avoiding
the blame game is particularly important if
you have children. Bad-mouthing your for-
mer spouse in front of the children may pro-
vide you with a sense of release in the short-
term, but it’s very damaging for the children
in the long-term, stresses Dr. Rossman.
6) Take responsibility for your own
happiness. In his book, A Woman’s Self-Esteem: Struggles and Triumphs in theSearch for Identity (Jossey-Bass, 1998),
Nathaniel Branden (who also authored TheSix Pillars of Self-Esteem) explores the
origins of personal happiness and suggests
that intrinsically happy individuals
consciously commit themselves to their state
of eternal bliss.
7) Develop a more positive body image.
While physical appearance alone cannot
determine an individual’s self-esteem, learn-
ing to accept and appreciate how you look
is important. In his book, The Body ImageWorkbook: An 8-Step Program for Learningto Like Your Looks (New Harbinger
Publications, 1997), author Thomas F. Cash,
Ph.D., discusses body-image distortions and
offers guidance through sensitively written
text and useful “Helpsheets for Change.”
8) Start dating again – if you’re ready.
“Look at it as an opportunity to learn more
about yourself. Each date is a chance to cul-
tivate your skills; it’s also an opportunity
to get to know another person.” But resist
the temptation to look at dating as a “spouse
hunt,” advises Dr. Rossman. “If you’re
on a date, and you decide that this is
not the person of your dreams, you
can feel like you’ve wasted your time.
Even if that person is not going to be your
life partner, there can still be something
very worthwhile in getting to know
him/her.”
9) Learn to enjoy your own company. “How
you think about it makes all the difference,”
says Dr. Rossman. “Instead of saying, ‘Oh,
I’m divorced and I’m home alone, what a
loser I am,’ why not say, ‘What a nice
opportunity to do whatever I want?’”
10) Feel the pain, experience the gain. “I
think when people want advice about self-
esteem, sometimes what they’re really
saying is, ‘What can I do to feel better?’
My advice is almost the opposite,” con-
cludes Dr. Mirman. “It’s a really difficult
and painful process, and if you allow your-
self to feel bad, you’re going to get through
it better. There’s going to be more happiness
at the other side – but you need to actually
give yourself permission to feel badly for a
while in order to feel good later on.”
Our self-esteem can take a beating after divorce. Here are some tips to raise it back up again.
24 | DIVORCE GUIDE
Full ESTEEM Ahead
LegalADVICE FROM A JUDGEA Family Court Judge talks about effec-tive preparation for court and how toachieve results in court. ARE YOU REALLY READY FORDIVORCE?The eight questions you need to askbefore deciding.THE ART OF NEGOTIATIONHow to reach an agreement that’s bothacceptable and affordable.COLLABORATIVE LAWThe basics on this new, alternative wayto resolve divorce-related issues.COMMON KNOWLEDGEWhat are the rights and obligations ofcommon-law relationships?DIVORCE GLOSSARYLegal terms you should know duringthe divorce process.GROUND RULESWhat are the grounds for divorce inyour state or province?HOW TO GET A DIVORCEA step-by-step guide for the layperson.LEGAL EASEDemystifying no-fault, contested,adversarial, and mediated divorces.LIFE AFTER DIVORCEA guide to some of the matters youmay have to deal with post-divorce.LOVE & THE DOTTED LINEA prenuptial agreement can protectyour financial and personal interests.
A PERFECT FITHow to choose a lawyer tailor-made toyour needs.TOP TEN TIPSTips to make your divorce cheaper andeasier.
MediationDEBUNKING MEDIATION MYTHSClearing up the myths.DIVORCE MEDIATION AND YOUR KIDSMediation can help separated ordivorced parents work together to planfor their children’s well-being.EMOTIONAL ISSUES AND NEGOTIA-TION SKILLSTwo mediators answer some frequently-asked questions.FIGHTING WORDS It can be hard to resist the impulse toengage in verbal battle. But a fight justleads to more upset and revengeattacks. Here’s how to get out of thisvicious circle. LETTING GOLetting go is not about giving up some-thing. It’s about getting somethingback: your life. MEDIATION BARRIERSWe asked several prominent divorcemediators how to recognize and over-come some of the most common barri-ers to a successful mediation.THE POWER OF LISTENINGAttentive, intentional listening helps
reduce resistance and opens yourthinking to creative solutions.TAKING CONFLICT OUT OF DIVORCESome important steps to help end theconflict of divorce.UNMARRIED AND GAY DIVORCEISSUESGay couples, and straight “commonlaw” couples, face some of thesame issues as their legally-marriedcounterparts.
Money MattersCHARTING YOUR EXPENSES Help with budgeting for your family’spast, present, and future expenses.DISCOVERING YOUR FINANCIALREALITYUnderstanding your financial situation. DROWNING IN DEBT?Strategies for ending your post-divorcecredit woes.LOVE, MONEY, AND THE BLENDEDFAMILY Divorce and the economics of love. MONEY MYTHS Beliefs can prevent you from makingrational decisions about your money. SURVIVING AFTER DIVORCE How to prepare yourself to deal withyour finances.WHO GETS WHAT?Deciding what is “yours,” “mine,” or “ours” can be a difficult process, butthere are some guidelines to follow.
All of the articles featured here can be found on www.DivorceMagazine.com.
More Articles ONLINE
DIVORCE GUIDE | 25
26 | DIVORCE GUIDE
ChildrenBECOMING A BACHELOR PARENTThe new challenges and adjustments abachelor parent faces can be over-whelming at times, but the rewards ofraising good, happy children areimmeasurable. BUILDING A HAPPIER FUTUREHow you handle your divorce will determine how your children willfare today and tomorrow. CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLEDon’t make your children casualties ofyour divorce. CHILDREN AND THE GRIEVINGPROCESSThe five basic stages of grieving whichchildren of divorce undergo.CHILDREN’S REACTIONSHere are reactions commonly experienced by children immediatelyafter separation or divorce. CO-PARENTING COMMUNICATIONIn order to “normalize” the post-divorceco-parenting situation as much aspossible, you need to make all commu-nication clear with your children andwith your ex-spouse.COPING WITH A DIFFICULT EXHere are ten strategies for reducingfrustration and conflict and increasingrespectful communication and peacebetween divorced co-parents.MOM’S HOUSE; DAD’S HOUSEHow to set up two homes for yourchildren.
HealthANGER How to cope with divorce-related anger.BEATING STRESSSome valuable remedies to help you.CURING THE DIVORCE HANGOVERDivorce doesn’t have to be a permanent state of being. It’s the end ofone phase of your life, and regardlessof whether it was by choice or not, itcan be the beginning of a happier, more satisfying one.DIVORCE RECOVERYRecovering from divorce is like climb-ing a mountain, one challenging stepafter another. For most of us, it's a dif-ficult journey – but the rewards at theend of the climb are worth it!
EMOTIONAL RESCUEBefore you can be truly free to start anew future, you must grieve the deathof your relationship. ENERGIZE!Exercise can help to relieve stress anddepression.FEEL BETTER NOW!Toxic relationships and experiencesbring misery, make you feel stuck, andaccelerate aging. You must identify andeliminate toxins from your body, mind,and soul to awaken your capacity forrenewal and joy.A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEPIs divorce-related stress stealing yourability to sleep? Here’s help.GRIEVING & HEALINGWe need time to reconstitute ourselves after a loss. A MATTER OF FAITHWorking with spiritual practices – suchas meditation, prayer, or yoga – inparallel with traditional psychotherapycan aid in divorce recovery.MEDITATIONThe practice of meditation offers peace,serenity, and calm – a welcome respitefrom the turbulent emotions of divorce.MOVING BEYOND GRIEFFailing to deal with your divorce-relatedgrief may wreck your chances for ahappy future. OVERCOMING PAIN, FEAR, ANDSUFFERINGFear of change breeds resistance to it,which prevents movement and hindershealing and growth. Letting go ispainful, but until you do, your emotion-al wounds cannot heal. Here’s somehelp.THE POWER OF PETSHow the human-animal bond can helpyou survive your separation anddivorce.PRACTICAL PRAYERScience has proven that prayer can bean effective self-help tool - whether ornot you’re a “religious” person. Here'sone way to harness the power ofprayer.RECLAIMING YOUR SELFIt takes courage to reclaim thoseaspects of yourself you were willing tosacrifice to make your marriage work.How do you reclaim your Self when
you’re in the middle of an identitycrisis?RECOVERING YOUR SELF-ESTEEMYour breakup may have left you withnegative feelings about your self-worth,but you have so much more value thanyour marriage and divorce may haveled you to believe. It’s time to appreci-ate yourself again.RELAX!Believe it or not, your body holds thekey to a peaceful, low-stress life. Yogaand massage can calm and relax bodyand mind, which helps you feel andthink better.RELEASING NEGATIVITYLetting go of your negative thoughtsand emotions allows you to make clear-er, stronger choices; to become happierimmediately; and to act in ways that willhelp you to achieve your goals.SOUL SURVIVALStress can seem like a runaway train when you’re going through separation or divorce. Getting awayfrom it all at a spa can help you getyour life back on track.SPIRITUAL DIVORCEThe crisis of divorce is a spiritual wake-up call. You can choose to work hardand heal yourself, or to be a victim oflife. Here's how to use your divorce tonurture your spirit and create a lifeyou’ll love.STRESS BUSTERSTen ways to beat stress before it beatsyou.TAKE CARENurturing your body through thestresses of separation and divorce isabsolutely vital.TAMING DIVORCE-RELATED ANGERAnger not faced doesn’t go away; it isredirected. A “divorce hangover” beginswhen anger becomes directed towardwhatever or whomever (including your-self) you consider responsible for thedivorce.THINK POSITIVE!Here’s how to use the magic of optimism to create a positive future foryourself.YOUR HEART Healing the emotional wounds of thepast will enable you to move forwardwith your life.
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