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08/10/2018 Loss of a pet – how to help others cope with the grief https://www.telegraph.co.uk/pets/news-features/loss-pet-help-others-cope-grief/ 1/5 Lifestyle Pets News and features Loss of a pet – how to help others cope with the grief Losing a pet triggers intense grief for many owners CREDIT: ANDREW CROWLEY By Pete Wedderburn Follow 15 AUGUST 2017 • 12:00PM f you’ve ever lost a much loved pet, you’ll know that the depth of grief can be real and perhaps surprising (https://www.petethevet.com/dealing-with-the-death-of-a-pet/). Much as you may try to rationalise that you have “only” lost a pet, the truth is that you are grieving for a companion, a friend and a family member. The emotions that are experienced can be as deep – or deeper- than many people have felt when human friends or relatives have died. Grief after the loss of a pet is often not expected by others This potential level of grief is not widely recognised in our culture: if you suffer the loss of a close human family member, you are given space and time to recover. When it comes to a pet, you may be given a day off work, and a few considerate words from close friends, but within a couple of days, you’re expected to resume life as usual. While this may be fine for many pet owners, the emotion of intense grief sometimes refuses to be boxed away like this. Organisations like the Blue Cross offer bereavement counselling (https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-support) for people who feel the need for extra support, but I

Transcript of Lifestyle Loss of a pet – how to help others cope with the ... · 08/10/2018 Loss of a pet –...

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08/10/2018 Loss of a pet – how to help others cope with the grief

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/pets/news-features/loss-pet-help-others-cope-grief/ 1/5

› Lifestyle › Pets › News and features

Loss of a pet – how to help others cope with the grief

Losing a pet triggers intense grief for many owners CREDIT: ANDREW CROWLEY

By Pete Wedderburn Follow 15 AUGUST 2017 • 12:00PM

f you’ve ever lost a much loved pet, you’ll know that the depth of grief can be real and perhaps surprising (https://www.petethevet.com/dealing-with-the-death-of-a-pet/). Much as you may try to rationalise that you have “only” lost a pet, the truth is that

you are grieving for a companion, a friend and a family member. The emotions that are experienced can be as deep – or deeper- than many people have felt when human friends or relatives have died.

Grief after the loss of a pet is often not expected by others This potential level of grief is not widely recognised in our culture: if you suffer the loss of a close human family member, you are given space and time to recover. When it comes to a pet, you may be given a day off work, and a few considerate words from close friends, but within a couple of days, you’re expected to resume life as usual. While this may be fine for many pet owners, the emotion of intense grief sometimes refuses to be boxed away like this. Organisations like the Blue Cross offer

bereavement counselling (https://www.bluecross.org.uk/pet-bereavement-support) for people who feel the need for extra support, but

I

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Vets are closely involved around the time of a pet’s death This is an area where vets can play a role (https://www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/pets/11532121/How-do-vets-decide-when-euthanasia-is-the-right-

choice.html): we are usually alongside pet owners at the time of the animal’s death, often experiencing their intense grief first

hand. It can be difficult to know what to say, and how to respond. A handshake? Even a hug? Is it professional to shed a tear yourself (many vets feel like doing this, on occasion). Every vet reacts to such situations in their own personal way: you can’t be trained in how to react.

Sympathy cards often help to console grieving pet owners Sympathy cards have become a recognised way of supporting pet owners in their grief. These started as a spontaneous gesture by vets who felt the need or wish to send their condolences to pet owners following their pets’ death. Pet owners are often surprised, touched and even delighted when they receive these cards from their vet. Sadly, one of the consequences of this general positive reaction has been that sympathy cards have moved towards being a standard, expected response by vet clinics when a pet dies. The individual, thoughtful, supportive aspect risks being lost by the use of the cards in a more sceptical, automatic way, “because the pet owner will appreciate it” rather than “because it feels like the right thing to do”.

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'Pet owners are often surprised, touched and even delighted when they receive these cards from their vet', says Pete CREDIT: RONNIE MCMILLAN / ALAMY STOCK PHOTO

Over-commercialisation of sympathy cards reduces their value Sympathy cards for pets can now be purchased from a wide range of sources. You can even discover “the right things to say in

sympathy cards” (http://www.greeting-card-messages.com/what-to-write-in-a-sympathy-loss-of-dog-card.php). It can end up being a far cry

from the genuine, personal touch that it’s meant to be.

Inappropriate responses to grieving pet owners can cause deep upset I’ve come across two situations recently which demonstrate how a vet’s inappropriate reaction to the death of a pet can deepen an owner’s distress rather than easing it.

In the first instance, an elderly man had two pet cats. When the first cat died, he received a typed and signed note expressing sympathy from his vet. He was so moved by this gesture that he carefully folded up the note, treasuring it with his cat’s collar and a few other cat-related mementoes. Three years later, when his second cat passed away, he again received a note from his vet. Again, he appreciated this gesture, and he decided to keep the note with the first one. It was only when he compared the two notes that he discovered that exactly the same words had been typed in each note, right down to the slightly incorrect use of a punctuation mark. Yet each note had been signed by a different individual. The man had a sickening moment of realisation: there was no heartfelt sympathy in either of the notes: they were a sceptical way of manipulating the emotions of a grief-struck owner in an attempt to make him feel positive about the vet. The man tore up both notes, and resolved never to return to that particular vet clinic.

“People can be deeply upset after losing a pet, experiencing heightened sensitivity and rawness of emotions”

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Even email responses need to be sensitive In the second case, it wasn’t a sympathy card that caused the upset: it was the way that the vet reacted to hearing the news that a pet had passed away at home. The dog was nearly fifteen years old, and the vet had treated her on and off for 13 years. The owner sent a long and detailed email to the vet, explaining the circumstances of the pet’s death, and thanking him for his attention over the years. The vet responded to this email succinctly: “Dear Ms X. Thank you for letting me know about your pet’s death. Kind regards. Dr Z”

The owner presumed that this terse reply must have been sent by an intermediary such as a staff member in the vet’s absence, so she posted him a letter, explaining how upset she was at the lack of condolences, given how long he'd treated the animal, also mentioning how many clients and friends she had referred to him over the years.

This was the vet’s opportunity to redeem himself, but unfortunately, he chose to dig the hole deeper.

“Dear Ms X. I felt I should reply to your note. When sympathy cards first arose as an idea for pets I embraced them with enthusiasm, feeling they would be good and healing. However, I got what could almost be described as hate mail from some recipients who thought they were crass, rude and just inappropriate marketing tools. I do know they have led to clients seeking help elsewhere in the future. In the intervening years I have therefore just acknowledged reports of patients demise, and this has been far better received. Times change and condolences are now more accepted as part of the process, but still I see no reliable argument to revisit the concept. And I have no wish to have to field the complaints from sending such again. That was until your note, which was somewhat of a first. Sometimes one is damned whatever on does. So for now I don’t propose to change my approach at all. Kind regards. Dr Z.”

CREDIT: TETRA IMAGES / ALAMY

The bereft owner felt hurt all over again: her “caring” vet still hadn’t manage to extend himself to offer her sympathy at the loss of her dog. It seemed to be all about him, not about the animal.

She sent one more reply:

“Dear Dr Z. I didn't expect a card; that's not at all what I meant. Just a “sorry to hear that” would have been nice. Instead of an acknowledgement, as if I'd sent you a change of address. The other vets who treated Lola throughout her long life responded to my email letting them know she had passed away, in an appropriate way. “Sorry to hear that you've lost Lola. What a nice dog she was" - the normal response one would expect really. It's called being kind when people have lost someone they loved. Nothing to do with being crass or rude. Please don't send me another reply.

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Kind regards. Ms X”.

Vets need to extend themselves to offer genuine consolation after the loss of a pet People can be deeply upset after losing a pet (https://www.petethevet.com/the-death-of-ben-fogles-dog-his-honest-grief-is-helpful-to-us-all/),

experiencing heightened sensitivity and rawness of emotions. It’s a difficult time, deserving all the support that people around them can muster. As vets involved in the process, we all need to recognise this, and to remember one simple fact. It isn’t about us. It’s about the animal, and the owner’s loss of a friend. Our reaction to this needs to be focussed, heart-felt and personal. We may not be able to do much to help when a person feels overwhelming grief, but at least we can make all efforts not to make things worse.

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