Lies, Deception, Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Unrelenting ... · 8. What do you think you do that...

©2019 The Couples Institute • wwwcouplesinstitute.com 1 1

Lies, Deception, Passive-Aggressive Behavior, Unrelenting Hostility:Stimulating Change with

Tough Couple’s Problems

July 31, 2019 • Raleigh, North Carolina

USATAA 50th Anniversary Conference

©2019, All rights reserved. The Couples Institute.

Ellyn Bader, Ph.D, and Peter Pearson, Ph.D

445 Burgess Dr Suite 150 • Menlo Park, CA 94025

650.327.5915

www.couplesinstitute.com

©2019 The Couples Institute • wwwcouplesinstitute.com 2

The sequence

Person calls for an appointment for couples therapy.

Get a headline for their situation. NOT THE PROBLEM.

Ask the caller what would be required of them. Not the partner to improve the situation or relationship.

Tell them to reflect on three questions before coming in. Say you do not want them to be rehearsing bad behavior stories about each other for the first meeting.

The three questions.

1. What kind of marriage do I want to be in? This gives us a targeted direction for our work. It is the big picture of your reason for coming in. Without this target, we all just spin our wheels being reactive to whatever emotional pain is dominant at the time.

2. Why is this kind of marriage important to me? It is the “why” that gives the motivation to do the work. Too often when people lose their “why” they lose their way.

Too often people have desires and wishes way beyond their motivation to make them happen. That is a recipe for enormous frustration. So please detail your motivations for growth.

3. What is required of me — not my partner — to bring about this kind of mutually satisfying marriage? This is not easy because our emotional brains have a strong pull to blame our partner for the marital misery.

It is not easy to be self-reflective when feeling a ton of distress. When we feel unhappy, it is natural to want our partner to do the changing. While I totally understand the desire for our partner to go first, that perspective keeps couples in therapy much longer than they need to be.

Optional — send a document about getting the most out of couple’s therapy before the first meeting.

Fast track your couples therapy skills


First meeting.

Review the big three questions they reflected on. Inquire for clarity and strength of motivation.

Then say you want to understand how well they have been listening to each other. This will be very diagnostic about how hard they will have to work in here. Couples who haven’t listened well understandably will have more work to do.

So here is how we diagnose how well you have listened to each other. Pat what do you think are Terry’s major complaints about you?

How confident are you on a 1-10 scale that Terry will agree with your summary? This approach is quite diagnostic about their level of differentiation in terms of seeing their relationship through the eyes of their partner.

Repeat for Terry.

Ask each if there is some validity about the complaints the other has. Don’t go into detail here. Too risky.

Ask each to express appreciation for listening even though the issues haven’t been resolved. At least your partner has been listening.

Then ask each, “How difficult or easy do you think it will be for your partner to change and become more responsive to you? (Again, this question pulls for their level of differentiation or the degree of symbiotic hopes. A common symbiotic hope is “If they loved me, they would change.”).

Then say we will be taking a different approach to your situation than conventional couples therapy.

Most couples come in saying they want tools to solve problems, communicate better, create better emotional or physical connections.

They want the tools even though they each have layers of understandable self-protections and layers of resentment or distancing. These layers of being defended or defensive as a result of feeling hurt too often means acquiring the skills will be very difficult.

It is often easier to make changes when there is a cushion of goodwill and trust.

So based on a lot of experience, we will begin by building up a cushion of goodwill and trust, which will make tackling the issues, a whole lot easier.

Does that sound ok to you? (getting their permission can be very important for some couples.)

Give them each an index card or sheet of paper.

On one side list all the skills, aptitudes, attitudes, strengths, talents, and values you bring to the relationship as a partner or as a team player. This is no time to be modest. Be strong as you list at least 8 of these traits. And if you are on a roll keep listing beyond the 8.


Then list at least 8 skills, aptitudes, attitudes, strengths, talents, and values your partner brings to the relationship or as a team player.

Then discuss them for clarity and effect on each other.

Now for the big homework.

Say to them, “You are going to work as a team to get through your challenges.

The definition of team is pretty good. It’s an acronym for Together Each Accomplishes More.

To create a great team it takes: Skills, Will, Trust

We will start by strengthening the trust and the will aka motivation.

So for 2 times a day you will recognize what you appreciate that your partner does using the following formula.

When you do X (recognize the effort) I appreciate it because…

This helps keep each of your attention on what works and why you appreciate it.

There is an old saying in the field of psychology: Where the attention goes, the energy flows.

When you focus your attention on how poorly your partner responds to you, you simply strengthen that perspective, and over time that perspective becomes toxic to your relationship.

By changing your perceptions you will begin to strengthen the motivation to do the harder work. It then becomes easier for us to create the change you wish to see in your relationship. Ironically by going slower, we will end up going faster.

Then discuss why a part of them will be challenged by doing this 2 times a day for 30 days.


These questions work well with most couples but are especially worthwhile with high-distress couples that blame a lot. This sequence interrupts their angry, blaming pattern and enables you to get a strong positive start, rather than having to dig yourself out of a hole you allowed them to create by attacking one another.

1. What would make you glad you showed up today?

2. Let’s try something different. Will you describe what you think your partner’s major complaints about you are? Not your complaints about him or her, but your partner’s complaints about you. (This question prevents blame and serves as a diagnostic question for the therapist. It demonstrates how well they listen/hear one another.)

3. On a scale of 1-10, how confident are you that your partner will say you’ve got it nailed?

4. Then check it out with the partner.

5. Ask them to give positive strokes if partner confirms it. “Indeed, your partner has been listening to you!”

6. Is there a part of you that appreciates your partner listening to you? If yes, then go ahead and express your appreciation that your partner has been listening.

7. Then switch to the other partner and use the same questions. Ask for the same appreciation that the other has been listening.

8. What do you think you do that triggers feelings in your partner of being loved, valued, and appreciated? (Ask each partner to share)

9. Are there specific things that your partner likes to be valued for?

10. How confident are you on a 1-10 scale that you nailed it? (Check it out.)

11. What is your motivation to risk change (more connection)?

12. What do you think your partner’s initial attraction to you was?

First Sessions: How to Get Off to a Strong Start

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Managing the Crisis of Infidelity: How to Lead Your Clients from Raw Pain to Constructive Action

The Couples Institute & The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy

Dr. Ellyn Bader

Our Mission: Prevent Premature and Unnecessary Divorces Train Core of Committed Couples Therapists Worldwide

Create Loving, Thriving, Growing Relationships

© 2014-2019 The Couples Institute

Challenges Described by Therapists Working with Infidelity

Not being pulled into over-identifying with hurt partner Feeling stifled by rage of betrayed partner How to challenge the lying client without shaming them Not being in too big a rush to smooth things over Hard not to take the side of the “victim” spouse

Managing the Crisis of Infidelity

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In our culture, marriage carries an assumption of sexual exclusivity unless otherwise defined by the partners

In a monogamous relationship an affair where the spouse does not know first means inevitable dishonesty and deception

Usually they also involve self-deception

Willingness to betray a promise/commitment: Breaking a good faith agreement while appearing to be loyal

Affairs are not primarily about sex

Affairs and Infidelity

What is an Affair?

What is Infidelity?

Any amorous relationship or episode between two

people who are not married to each other

Betrayal of trust or loyalty when there is reason to

expect some kind of loyalty or trust


Significant Issues in First Few Minutes - Dom

1

“A few infidelities”

2

Low on “other differentiation”

3

Some indiscretions



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Significant Issues in First Few Minutes - Arielle

4

He’s not in love with her

5

They are not supposed to be together

6

Both theories add to her

pain and grief


Assessing Affairs

To evaluate the meaning of an affair and how to handle it therapeutically, take the following areas into account:

Historical evolution of the relationship

Attachment styles of each partner

Developmental stage of the relationship

Individual dynamics of each partner


Assessing Affairs

Timing of affair

Type of affair

Length of affair

Number of affairs

Type of betrayal

Type of deceit

#



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Infidelity Calls into Question the Nature of the Primary Attachment

What was once secure or seemed secure is no longer safe/secure

It involves a unilateral choice to end an equilateral decision

Then the nature of reality and all future decisions are now called into question. Will it happen again?


When Infidelity is Revealed

Each partner is confronted with an interpersonal and intrapsychic challenge.

What does the affair mean?

Should I leave/or should I stay? Do I feel trapped?

What does the betrayal of honesty mean?

Human vulnerability and character are revealed

The media uproar caters to a very superficial understanding of affairs


Dom’s Father

Gave up on his

marriage

Gave up on his son

Gave up on his life



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Advantages of Gestalt 2-Chair Work

Uncovers resistance and it becomes clear to both partners

Uncovers why the aspirational goal is scary

Makes it much easier to explain the dilemma to the other partner


Dom has numbed himself from

His Pain The Pain He Causes


Using Gestalt 2-Chair Work

Makes your work easier

Makes your work more effective

Client takes more ownership of their issues



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What is the Anxiety Behind Commitment?

Giving up having more choices


Shifting from It’s Personal to It’s Not Personal

When it is experienced personally, choices are very limited. The complexity is viewed through a very narrow lens.

Both cognitive and emotional flexibility are very narrow.


Shifting from It’s Personal to It’s Not Personal


When it is not seen as personal, the partner can shift to curiosity about “Why are you doing this” rather than “Why are you doing this to me?”

Partner can shift from lonely, hopeless, waiting to a place of self-empowerment and focus on what they actually want.


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Treatment Issues

STAGE 1 •  Slow process down and outline the individual dilemma for each partner

•  Confront the need to make impulsive premature decisions

•  Clarify immediate threats •  What is going to happen now? •  Stop affair? •  Live together or apart?

•  Work to define individual issues of each partner that contributed to the affair and decide about couples therapy


Treatment Issues

STAGE 1 •  Do not get caught in the blame cycle

•  Strongly and actively control communication and do not allow it to escalate

•  Clarify the relationship between infidelity and dishonesty

Unfaithful vs. betrayal of commitment

•  Explain safety and commitment needed for therapy to progress


Treatment Issues

STAGE 2 •  Individuals focus on their own issues and own

decisions

•  Partners develop an increasing capacity for tolerating ambiguity and anxiety

•  Unanswered questions are addressed

•  Partners learn to manage their own differentiation and their own emotional reactivity



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Treatment Issues

STAGE 2

•  Is this in or out of character?

•  There are relationship consequences

•  Partner works through anger and betrayal and acknowledges own contributions as well

•  Initiation of discussion and repair attempts from both partners

Accountability

Why did I decide to deceive you?


Partner Who Lied

Account for decision to deceive

Describe the significant events that impacted their decision to have the affair

Is it a 1-time occurrence or a personality trait

What was level of differentiation prior to the affair and how are they stepping forward since the affair

Address partner’s feelings of reduced trust, and how the quality of the attachment has changed


Treatment Issues

STAGE 3 •  If staying together-A boundary is re-

established around the “two of us” as a couple”

•  Agreements are re-established •  Honesty and/or monogamy •  How to return to therapy if needed

A decision is made about whether to stay together or separate



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The mark of a great marriage is when only one partner goes crazy at a time.

Heinz Kohut

Ineffective Repair Attempts

× Avoidance-not talking about what happened

× Giving lots of excuses

× Discounting the importance of the lie

×  Telling partner to hurry up and get over it

×  Expecting quick forgiveness

×  Intolerant of legitimate grief

×  Blaming the partner (“We never had any sex”)

×  Refusing to give info or being evasive about certain relevant topics

× Actual denial of events


Effective Repair Attempts

! Saying I am sorry

! Proclaiming love

! Providing truthful information

! Self-reflection

! Owning up to weakness

! Expressing guilt, repentance

! Friend witnesses the goodbye

! Proactive about triggers

! Symbolic gifts

! Talking explicitly about what happened and why it matters

! Giving free access to phone and email records

! Significant self confrontation



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The Repair Cycle Therapist must strongly stop negative, escalating, hurtful, defensive interactions

There must be a commitment to avoid symbiotic/conflict- avoidant solutions to problems and a higher tolerance for tension for growth

Help each tolerate staying open with vulnerable feelings

Describe why the lie/betrayal was so rejecting

Without a significant increase in differentiation, the lies will likely continue


Typical Issues that Surface

Gifts that were purchased

Timeline of events

Proven closure

Were kids introduced

Who else knew about the affair

Were friends involved in the deception

What did affair partner know about me

How was the sex

Special places shared


Repairing After Infidelity

? Has the partner who lied developed enough not to hide in the future?

? Is the spouse who was lied to able to support honest communication or are they a “lie invitee”?

Without these two factors the relationship is a train wreck waiting to happen



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Obsessing about Affairs and Details: Is It Valuable?

Re-establishes boundary around primary couple

Puts an end to the deception and feeling of craziness

Stops projection and blown up distortions/ fantasies


Obsessing about Affairs and Details: Is It Valuable?

Know what is lost and what to grieve

Creates shared meaning

It is a way of working through the trauma

To understand that it is “not personal”


What Obsessing about Details Does Not Accomplish

Keeps partner distant from their own issues

Their vulnerability stays hidden

Often supports self-righteousness and a focus on the other rather than self

May perpetuate the same distance that helped to create the affair

Keeps Persecutor-Victim dynamics going



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Ask What Type of Therapy is Desired?

Important to make this distinction before you jump into doing therapy

Is the couple here to work, re-unite and repair the bond?

1Are they here for help

with separation? (Divorce or Separation

Therapy)

3Are they here to make a decision?

2



Differentiation of Self • Identify own thoughts, feelings, wants and desires • Express thoughts, feelings wants and desires congruently • Be an effective Initiator: contain self, manage defenses, open vulnerability • Actively manage emotional contagion, resist getting swept up in partner’s feelings

Differentiation from Partner • Listen without interrupting or defending self • Ask other-directed questions • Have genuine interest and curiosity about partner’s internal process • Understand partner in light of his/her history • Work to develop and express empathy • Manage emotional contagion

Evolution of Differentiation 1. Internal self-reflecting and identifying one’s own thoughts, feelings, values, wants and desires 2. Developing the increasing ability to express congruently one’s own thoughts, feelings, wants and desires. To expose “who I am.” 3. Developing awareness of the partner as separate and different 4. Developing an increasing ability to listen, hear and then respond effectively to these differences – with clear boundaries 5. Developing the ability to create an environment in the relationship that supports desired changes

Self-Capacities that are Developed and Strengthened by using the Initiator Role • Increased ability to internally self reflect and self-define • Increased self accountability • Increased capacity to self-soothe • Clearer boundary definition • Increased ability to self-validate

Self-Capacities that are Developed and Strengthened by using the Inquirer Role • Increased anxiety tolerance • Ability to delay gratification • Increased capacity to self-soothe • Increased capacity to experience empathy • Increased acceptance of other as separate and different from self

Differentiation



Focus on One Issue Only • Before you begin, get clear on your main concern. • Check your partner’s readiness. • Stay on track with this one issue. • Describe what you want.

Express Your Feeling & Thoughts • Feelings are often complex and can even be contradictory. • Are you sad, scared, angry, or happy? • Go beyond simply expressing one feeling. • Look for the vulnerability that may be underneath your initial feeling, e.g. sadness, fear, jealousy, hurt, guilt.

Remind Yourself • This is my problem. It’s an expression of who I am. It’s about me revealing myself and being willing to express my own thoughts and feelings.

Avoid Blaming, Accusing or Name-calling. • Blaming stops you from knowing yourself. • You have a role to play in being heard. • You may wish to acknowledge some positive aspects of the situation.

Be Open to Self-Discovery • Explore your personal, inner experience. • Keep going deeper into how you feel. • What does this tell you about yourself? • How do you respond? • How do you think and feel?

Remind Yourself • This process is about my willingness to take a risk to speak or discover my own truth and

about increasing my ability to tolerate the expression of our differences.

Initiator | Revealing one’s self

Listen Calmly • Don’t defend yourself, argue, or cross-complain. • Remind yourself that you don’t have to take what’s said so personally. • Hold on to “The Big Picture.”

Ask Questions • Develop an interested and curious state of mind. • The questions you ask are designed to understand your partner’s experience. • Can you come up with any examples on your own that will let your partner know you really understand?

Remind Yourself • Am I in a place to listen with openness? • I do not own this problem. • I do not need to get upset. • It’s up to me to manage my reactions.

Recap • Repeat back to your partner, as accurately and completely as you are able, what you’ve understood. • Check it out with your partner to see if it’s complete and accurate.

Empathize • Do your best to put yourself in your partner’s shoes. • Respond with empathy. • Keep making empathetic statements until a soothing moment occurs. • You can hold onto yourself and still imagine what it’s like for the other person.

Remind Yourself • My partner is a separate person with his or her own feelings, thoughts, personality, and family history. I only need to listen, not look for solutions.

Inquirer | The Effective Listener



Inquirer• Easily feels controlled

• Will frequently respond two degrees off center

• Angry at partner if partner initiates wants directly

• Doesn’t want to be empathic to partner’s distress

• Often felt cornered as a child. Experiences this process as dangerous — another attempt to “get” them while asking them to be a willing participant

Passive-Agressive

Initiator• Does not initiate — is usually reactive

• Will initiate what they don’t want rather than what they do want

• Desire for what they do want is too painful

Characteristics The Essential Feature Is Resistance • Procrastination • Stubbornness • Inefficiency

• Forgetfulness • Fault-finding pessimism • Irritable moody responses to even straightforward requests for adequate performance in occupational/social functioning

The Passive-Agressive in Couples Therapy

Relationship FeaturesResistance! Usually expressed through behavior• To the therapist• To the spouse• To themselves• To actual …or perceived demands• To reasonable requests for involvement in management of household chores and parenting

How they drive their partners crazy• It’s never the right time• You’re not bringing it up correctly• Forgetting agreements• See partner as crazy for expecting accountability• Seem reasonable in their verbal communication while their behavior is aggressive

Couples Therapy Issues Problematic behavior in couples therapy• Don’t want to be there• Are unclear about what they want• Don’t believe in therapy• Are critical of partner and non-involved in therapy• Seem confused and provocative at the same time• Will be noncompliantInterviews with the partner of the passive-aggressive mode• Work with spouse early• Validate that spouse isn’t crazy• Maintain thinking• Goal is to stop kicking & being critical• Identify own limits — Stop doing things for other you will regret

Interventions with the passive-aggressive• Set self-motivated goals• Name the problem• Circular causality• Identify the anger and inability to want directly• Focus on refusal to be self-defining



1. What Is a Soft Confrontation? A soft confrontation is a very mild mention of a specific problem designed to just start bringing it into the client’s awareness.

It might be a mild mention in the form of a question. “Were you drinking last night when you were fighting?” “It seems like a lot of fights occur when you’ve been drinking.”

It describes the process going on in the couple’s interaction. “I notice that when you withdraw, your wife starts making more demands on you.”

2. What Is an Empathic Confrontation? In an empathic confrontation, the therapist names feelings that are barely recognized in order to surface them.

“You seem to feel lonely in your parenting role.” “You seem frightened as you are coming across so angry.” “You are hurt and come out fighting.”

The therapist keeps coming back to the feelings and empathically describing the emotional state of the client.

An empathic confrontation can also be used to expose an internal conflict. “There is a part of you that feels tenacious and does not want to give up and there is another part of you that is sad and grieving and feels that the end is in sight.”

Or the therapist might self-disclose in a way that uses their countertransference in an empathic way. “Am I the only one in the room dreading that I might not be able to do it right?”

Confrontation is, according to Webster’s dictionary, “a technique used in therapy to recognize shortcomings and their possible consequences.”

The six types of confrontation are: 1. Soft 2. Empathic 3. Gentle but Tough 4. Indirect 5. Hard/Tough 6. Bombshell

Six Types of Confrontation in Couples Therapy


3. What Is a Gentle But Tough Confrontation? In a gentle but tough confrontation the therapist exposes very dysfunctional thoughts or behavior in order to make these very explicit.

This confrontation is said kindly, with a smile, but it does not shy away from a tough subject. It is descriptive and non judgmental. “You both seem to operate in a competitive framework where you try to get 1-up on each other. Do you really believe that only one of you can get a positive outcome?”

“You operate like many people from the ‘get and protect syndrome.’ You push to get, while hiding and protecting your own vulnerability.”

4. What is an Indirect Confrontation? In an indirect confrontation, what is said directly to one partner is actually meant for the other partner.

This might be said to a withdrawing spouse and meant for an angry partner who escalates rapidly: “When your wife makes requests of you, you may say yes, you may say no. In fact, I hope some times you will say no because partners need to learn to listen calmly and not to jump to dire conclusions when the other says no.”

5. What is a Hard/Tough Confrontation? This confrontation is designed to hold up a mirror to make the client feel anxious or uncomfortable and to get their attention or show the outcome of what they are doing

It might be a strong description of dysfunctional behavior and when the client evades or wiggles away, the therapist must be tenacious and say it over and over again. “Let’s back up. I don’t know if you heard what I said. You keep asking your husband/wife to support you not functioning as a full partner in this marriage. Is that what you mean to ask?”

6. What is a Bombshell Confrontation? Here the therapist sets a forceful limit. It might mean refusing to continue without change or mak ing therapy contingent on a change so strong, so intense they have to attend to it. Or, it might involve tracing out a devastating future, if the person continues doing the self-destructive behavior.

“I won’t schedule another session until you have two coffee dates with each other.”

It is often effective to use these in a sequence in a session, building tougher and tougher confrontations over time. You can also back off to a lower level confrontation when too much resistance results from making a higher level confrontation.



Unfolding circumstances in couple’s life Unfolding interaction in office

Therapist observes

Therapist takes into account

Take time to analyze, synthesize, think

Make a decision

Act Test Regroup

Culture/Gender Couple’s history New/Old information Therapist’s mood Client’s accessibility

Evaluate based on unfolding interaction Backup/Recalibrate Start again

1

2

34

5

Can partner make confrontation or should therapist?

How much time is left in session?

The Cycle of Confrontation

Decide on the type of confrontation: 1) soft 2) empathic 3) gentle but tough 4) indirect 5) hard 6) bombshell Decide whether therapist or partner will confront

Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., Co-Founder and Director of The Couples Institute

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information visit www.couplesinstitute.com/mastermentoring.

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