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We do not all laugh at the same jokes; what is funny to one person may not be funny to another. A great many people, however, have enjoyed the humour of Three Men in a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome. It is the story of a holiday taken in a boat on the river Thames by three men and a dog. In the passage below they are planning their holiday and the author describes the mess and chaos that Uncle Podger creates in the household when he attempts to hang a picture on the wall.

Uncle Podger Hangs a Picture

On the following evening we again met to discuss and arrange our plans. Harris said:‘Now the first thing to settle is what to take with us. You get a bit of paper and write

down, J., and you get the grocery catalogue, George, and somebody give me a pencil, and then I’ll make out a list.’

That is just like Harris—so ready to take the burden of everything himself, and put it on the backs of other people.

He always reminds me of my Uncle Podger. When my Uncle Podger agreed to do anything, there was always a great disturbance. A picture had come home from the frame-maker’s, and

Three Men in a BoatLesson sIx

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was standing in the dining-room, waiting to be put up. Aunt Podger asked what was to be done with it, and Uncle Podger said:

‘Oh, you leave that to me. Don’t worry about that. I’ll do all that.’Then he took off his coat and began. He sent the girl out for some nails, and then one of

the boys after her to tell her what size to get; and, after that, he gradually started the whole house doing things.

‘Now you get me my hammer, Will,’ he shouted; ‘and you bring me the ruler, Tom; and I shall want the step-ladder, and I had better have a kitchen chair, too; and Jim, you run round to Mr Goggles, and ask him to lend me his spirit level. Don’t you go, Maria, because I shall want somebody to hold the light; and when the girl comes back she must go out again for a piece of picturecord; and Tom—where‘s Tom?—Tom, you come here; I shall want you to hand me up the picture.’

Then he lifted up the picture, and dropped it, and it came out of the frame, and he tried to save the glass, and cut himself; and then he jumped round the room, looking for his handkerchief. He could not find his handkerchief, because it was in the pocket of the coat he had taken off, and he did not know where he had put the coat, and all the house had to stop looking for his tools, and start looking for his coat; while he danced round and hindered them.

‘Doesn’t anybody in the whole house know where my coat is? I never saw such people in my life. Six of you!—and you can’t find a coat that I put down not five minutes ago! Well, of all the—’

Then he got up, and found that he had been sitting on it, and called out: ‘Oh, you can stop looking. I’ve found it myself now. I might as well ask the cat to find anything as expect you people to find it.’

When he had spent half an hour in tying up his finger, and when a new glass had been got, and the tools, and the ladder, and the chair, and the candle had been brought, he made another attempt, the whole family standing round in a semi-circle ready to help. Two people had to hold the chair, and a third helped him up on it, and held him there, and a fourth handed him a nail, and a fifth passed him the hammer, and he took hold of the nail, and dropped it.

‘There!’ he said, in an injured tone, ‘now the nail’s gone.’We all had to go down on our knees and search for it, while he stood on the chair, and

wanted to know if he was to be kept there all the evening. The nail was found at last, but by that time he had lost the hammer. ‘Where’s the hammer? What did I do with the hammer? Great heavens! Six of you,

standing foolishly round there, and you don’t know what I did with the hammer.’We found the hammer for him, and then he had lost sight of the mark he had made on the

wall, where the nail was to go in, and each of us had to climb up on the chair beside him, and see if we could find it; and we each discovered it in a different place, and he called us all fools, one after another, and told us to get down. Then he took the ruler, and re-measured, and found that he wanted a half of thirty-one and three-eighths inches from the corner, and tried to do the sum in his head, and went mad. We all tried to do it in our heads, and all arrived at different answers, and sneered at one another. In the confusion, the original number was forgotten, and Uncle Podger had to measure it again.

He used a piece of string this time, and, just when he was leaning over the chair at an angle of forty-five degrees, trying to reach a point three inches beyond what was possible

Then he got up, and found that he had been sitting on it, and called out: ‘Oh, you can stop looking. I’ve found it myself now. I might as well ask the cat to find anything as expect you people to find it.’

When he had spent half an hour in tying up his finger, and when a new glass had been got, and the tools, and the ladder, and the chair, and the candle had been brought, he made another attempt, the whole family standing round in a semi-circle ready to help. Two people

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for him to reach, the string slipped and down he slid on to the piano, a fine musical effect being produced by the suddenness with which his head and body struck all the notes at the same time.

At last uncle podger got the spot fixed again, and put the point of the nail on it with his left hand, and took the hammer in his right hand. And, with the first blow, he smashed his thumb, and dropped the hammer, with a yell, on somebody’s toes.

Aunt Maria mildly observed that next time Uncle Podger was going to hammer a nail into the wall, she hoped he would let her know in time, so that she could make arrangements to go and spend a week with her mother while it was being done.

Then he had another try, and, at the second blow, the nail went straight through the plaster, and half the hammer after it, and Uncle Podger was thrown against the wall with force nearly sufficient to flatten his nose. We had to find the ruler again, and the string, and a new hole had to be made; and, about midnight, the picture was up—very crooked and insecure, and everybody worn out and wretched, except Uncle Podger.

‘There you are,’ he said, looking at the disorder he had caused with evident pride. ‘Some people would have had a workman in to do a little thing like that!’

Harris will be just that sort of man when he grows older, and I told him so.

Comprehension and Vocabulary

A For each of the following words taken from the passage give another word of similar meaning: burden, gradually, injured, sufficient, wretched

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B List A contains words from the passage. For each one find in List B a word or phrase of similar meaning.

List A List Bcatalogue decidedisturbance disorderhindered (them) got in the waysemi-circle gave a smile of contemptsneered unsafeoriginal firstinsecure clear, obviousevident half of a circlesettle list of goods

C Givetheoppositesofthesewordsbyeitheraddingaprefixortakingoneaway:hindered, injured, original, sufficient, insecure, disorder

D 1 When the three men were making a list of what to take with them, who wanted to do the least work, George, ‘J.’ or Harris?

2 Who is ‘J.’? 3 What had been done to the picture before it arrived? 4 About how many people helped Uncle podger to hang the picture? 5 Explain in your own words why Uncle podger could not find his handkerchief. 6 Try to explain in your own words what you find humorous in the passage.

Language Structure

Question Words

There are three kinds of question words but they are all used in more or less the same way. We will take first the words: where, when, why and how. Here are some questions and answers:

Where is he? He is here.When will she finish? She will finish tomorrow.How is he? He is well.Why have you come? I have come to see you.

(The words here, tomorrow and well, and the phrase to see you, are adverbs, i.e. they tell us more about the verbs. Because where, when, how and why ask questions about verbs they are sometimes called interrogative adverbs.)

Look at the questions and statements again. Notice the position of the verbs and subjects of the verbs: the statement he is becomes is he in the question; she will becomes will she in the question. Look at the others. You will see that the order of subject and verb is reversed in all the questions.

least work, George, ‘J.’ or Harris?Who is ‘J.’?What had been done to the picture before it arrived?About how many people helped Uncle podger to hang the picture?Explain in your own words why Uncle podger could not find his handkerchief.

ry to explain in your own words what you find humorous in the passage.

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As you know, is, will and have are special verbs. With some other tenses we have to add do, does or did to form questions. These also come before the subject:

Where does he live? He lives here.When did she arrive? She arrived yesterday.How do you knit? You knit with knitting needles.Why does he do it? He does it because he wants to.

A Complete these questions by adding where, when, why or how: 1 ^ do you live? 2 ^ did you last see your sister? 3 ^ does a giraffe have a long neck? 4 ^ do you do? 5 ^ does this plane reach London? 6 ^ far is it to Australia? 7 ^ often do you come here? 8 ^ much is this pair of socks? 9 ^ many pencils did you buy?

The second group of question words consists of who, whom, which, what and whose. Here are some examples of their use:

Who is that boy? He is my brother.Whom did he see? He saw me.Which do you want? I want that one.What did you do? I went home.Whose is it? It is mine.

(These words are known as interrogative pronouns.)As you see, questions are formed as before, the verb coming before the subject. The only

difficulty is with whom. In conversation we almost always use who instead, but in writing we still use whom when the question word is the object of the sentence.

Let us look at the first two sentences again: Who is that boy?What is the subject of this sentence? The answer is Who. Whom did he see?What is the subject this time? The answer is he. We might write the question like this: He saw whom?Then it is easy to see that whom is the object.We also use whom after prepositions in writing. To whom did she give it? With whom are they fighting? To whom was he speaking?

The second group of question words consists of who, whom, which, what Here are some examples of their use:

Who is that boy? He is my brother.Whom did he see? He saw me.Which do you want? I want that one.What did you do?What did you do?What I went home.

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When speaking we might say: Who did she give it to? Who were they fighting with? Who was he speaking to?

B Complete these questions by adding who, which, what or whose. They are the kind of questions we use in conversation.

1 ^ gave you that? 9 ^ helped you to do the work? 2 ^ did you meet? 10 ^ are you eating? 3 ^ is yours, this one or that one? 11 ^ hat is this, yours or mine? 4 ^ do you want? 12 ^ one do you like the most? 5 ^ did he say? 13 ^ shoes did you borrow? 6 ^ ruler is this? 14 ^ is the bigger building? 7 ^ was he speaking to? 15 ^ are you standing on? 8 ^ did you get it from?C Rewrite these sentences in formal written English:Examples: Who does she want ? Whom does she want? Who was she talking to? To whom was she talking? 1 Who did he see? 5 Who was he thinking of? 2 Who would she like to meet? 6 What was he thinking of? 3 Who did he vote for? 7 Who was it painted by? 4 Who did she give it to?

Punctuation‘I think,’ he said, ‘that it is going to rain.’Notice that after said there is a comma, but not a full stop, and that does not begin with a

capital letter. This is because the sentence does not stop at think. The full sentence is: I think that it is going to rain.

Compare this sentence: ‘I was right,’ he said. ‘It is raining.’In this case, It begins a new sentence. Therefore It begins with a capital letter and there

is a full stop after said.Punctuate these sentences:

1 I wonder said the teacher why no one knows the answer 2 Sometimes he said we have heavy rain in the evenings 3 Here is the bottle she said please put it in the cupboard 4 Where have you been he asked you should have been here long ago 5 And where asked her mother have you been

CompositionChoose any game you like and explain how it is played. Here is a suggested plan:

Who did he see? 5 Who was he thinking of?Who would she like to meet? 6 What was he thinking of?Who did he vote for? 7 Who was it painted by?Who did she give it to?

Punctuation‘I think,’ he said, ‘that it is going to rain.’

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Paragraph 1: Where the game is played; equipment used; number of playersParagraph 2: The main rules of the game; what happensParagraph 3: Other rulesYou may add more paragraphs if you wish. Before you begin make notes of the points to

be mentioned in each paragraph.

Useful Words and Phrases

Get

This verb joins with prepositions or adverbs to form a number of useful verbs. Here are some examples:

‘I’m trying to get to Varanasi. Which is the best road?’ ‘Please stop talking and get on with your work.’ The bus stopped. Some people got off and others got on. Someone left the door open and the prisoner got away. ‘He was fined fifty rupees.’ ‘Is that all! I think that he got off very lightly.’ ‘Look at that man getting out of the car.’ The kitten climbed a tree and then could not get down. He was so angry with the man that he told him to get out of his house.

exerciseComplete these sentences by adding a suitable tense of get with a preposition or adverb:

1 You should never ^ ^ a bus before it has stopped moving. 2 The men climbing the cliff were stuck: they could not ^ ^ or ^ . 3 I caught a huge fish but I cannot show it to you because, before I could land it, it ^ ^ . 4 ‘^ ^ of this room,’ he shouted, ‘and don’t come back!’ 5 ‘Were you punished?’ ‘No, I ^ ^ with a scolding.’ 6 He always ^ ^ of bed as soon as he wakes up. 7 ‘How is your son ^ ^ at school?’ ‘Oh, he’s ^ ^ quite well, thank you.’ 8 They ought to do less talking and ^ ^ with the job. 9 He ^ ^ the horse and walked for a while. 10 He tried to ^ ^ the horse from the wrong side.

He was so angry with the man that he told him to get out of his house.get out of his house.get out

Complete these sentences by adding a suitable tense of get with a preposition or adverb:ou should never ^ ^ a bus before it has stopped moving.

The men climbing the cliff were stuck: they could not ^ ^ or ^ .I caught a huge fish but I cannot show it to you because, before I could land it, it