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Lecture-5: Muslim Family

For thy Sustainer has ordained that you shall worship none but Him. And do good unto [thy]parents. Should one of them, or both, attain to old age in thy care, never say "Ugh" to them or scoldthem, but [always] speak unto them with reverent speech, and spread over them humbly the wings of

thy tenderness, and say: "O my Sustainer! Bestow Thy grace upon them, even as they cherished andreared me when I was a child!" (Quran 17:23-24)

Family is the bedrock, cradle of human civilisation. Family gives mooring, anchor, stability and

tranquillity among the close blood related and other members. (al-Quran 4:1, 30:21). A Muslim

family has some unique features, eg, it provides a secure and healthy home environment for its

members, it guards against passions of whims and desires and channelize them to wholesome

and meaningful pursuit, it proliferates human virtues, such as, love compassion, sacrifice,

justice, etc, and it provides a refuge against any difficulty. (Women in Islam by Aisha Lemu &

Fatima Heeren, The Islamic Foundation, UK).

Distinct Role of Family members

Family is the microcosm of a society and as such there are distinct role for its members. It is

incumbent on parents to provide their children with basic human necessities, such as food,

cloth, shelter, education and medical support. This is treated as an Ibadah for the parents. It is

also important for the parents to provide their children with love, warmth, compassion, etc. As

human being consists of body and spirit, parents must provide their children with the life skills

and spiritual nourishment. (al-Quran 31:13-19)

Children have their own share of responsibilities at home. (al-Quran 2:83, 4:36, 17:23-24, 29:8,

31:14-15, 46:15). There are many traditions regarding childrens responsibility toward their

parents. Bukhari and Muslim narrate, A man came to Muhammad (pbuh) and asked permissionto go to Jihad. The Prophet asked him, Are your parents alive? The man said, Yes. The

Prophet responded, Then strive to serve them.

The rights and responsibilities inter-twined. Ones responsibility is the others right. Rights and

duties of husband, wife, parents and children are inscribed in Shariah.

Good Conduct in the Family

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has emphasised the importance of good conduct in the family. The

best of you is the best to his family and I am the best among you to my family. The most

perfect believers are the best in conduct, and the best of you are those who are best to their

spouses (Tirmidhi). There are many more traditions on this. Prophetic examples need to befollowed. He had occasional lively, but innocent, fun and humour with his wives, especially with

ummul Muminin Ayesha (RA). (Tirmidhi)

Sharing Tasks

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) shared household works with his wives. For genuine economic

reasons both the spouses might need to engage in financial activities. But rearing up and

educating children cannot be compromised. There should be frank discussion and consultation

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between the spouses. Children need to be involved as and when necessary and also in order to

train them to become responsible in life.

Ingredients of a Blessed Family

Happy family brings a sense of belonging, anchor and root that build balanced personality to

contribute in the society. Unhappy family creates disaffection, pain and frustration that give rise

to broken personality, full of confusion. Distortion in family leads towards distorted personality

who could turn to be dangers to society and even to humanity. Unhappy and distorted families

have their own root causes. What are the ingredients of a blessed family?

Love

Love is at the core of family life. It is the gel that produces a rock-solid relationship among the

members. Love emanates from heart. Hearts join and create the fountain of love between

people. Love is imbedded in human nature and a gift from Allah. Human history has exceptional

stories on love affairs. Love for ones own children is obvious. But love between husband and

wife, the two grown up people, needs nurturing. Pure physical attraction can not create love or

maintain it for long. People looking for a family life can contribute to permanent love. They

have the best chance to succeed in their relationship. An Islamic vision of life in the family

makes love exceptionally rewarding. This needs Allahs special blessing without which men and

women could be in the pit of fire (al-Quran 8:63).

Love should not be blind, except for Islam. Islam demands unconditional love for Allah and His

messenger, above anything else, including ones life. (al-Quran 9:24). Love between parents

transmits to children. Children growing up in a family where parents lack minimum level of love

may grow up with emptiness. Love has external manifestation and that is natural. This should

not be so ostentatious that it creates public indecency. Ostentatious love in public is not

consistent with Islamic and human decency and as such deplorable.

Kindness, Care and Compassion

These tender feelings are at the heart of family and social life. Allah, Most Gracious, Most

Merciful (al-Quran 1:2), has created man out of His love and mercy and demands from us the

same.

Have mercy on those in the land, so that the One in Heaven will have mercy on you. (Sunan al-

Tirmidhi)

Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs. (Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim).

He who is deprived of leniency is deprived of goodness. (Muslim)~

When Allah, the Exalted, wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces

kindness among them. (al-Musnad, Sahih al-Jaami).

Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such away that He does not reward for harshness or

anything else. (Sahih Muslim)

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Children deprived of kindness and compassion in their childhood are punished for no fault of

their own. Parental indifferences and ill temper kill their childhood and may rob them of their

future happiness.

Respect

One who does not respect the elders and show kindness to the young ones is not among us.

(Hadith)

Human beings are the manifestation of divine will, with Allahs spirit in each of them, and as

such deserve due respect. Every human being grows up with certain traits of personality. Even

the twin brothers or sisters have unique characteristics. Respect for an individual is a natural

demand that brings reciprocity. We all learn from each other, even from a tiny baby. Every one

has opinion on different aspects of life. Respect for opinion and the freedom of expression give

rise to motivation and creativity. Of course, the formulation and expression of opinions depend

on family and social environment. Positive encouragement is essential to achieve these.

Even though family members live under the same roof, every one has a world of his own that

needs to be respected. As children grow older, they need to learn the etiquette of a Muslimhouse. Islam teaches decency, and family is the first institution where they should learn them.

Islam requires members of the household to seek permission when entering into another

persons room. Parents, of course, need to know what is happening in their childrens world, but

they should do this with full honesty and without being intrusive and insensitive.

Consultation

Allah (SWT) has commanded believers to conduct their affairs and settle their differences in

consultation (al-Quran 3:159, 42:38). It is illuminating that Allah (SWT) discussed with His angels

about His plan to create man on earth. This is mentioned in the Quran. Consultation is the

prophetic way of life, which Prophet Muhammd (pbuh) practised in his domestic and public life.

In order to teach his ummah of the importance of consultation he even decided to go against hisown opinion in the battle of Uhud.

Consultation produces confidence, trust, interest, mutual respect and team spirit in the family. It

enhances creativity and responsible outlook among members of the family. It gives a sense of

ownership in everybodys mind, which is essential for any venture to succeed. It helps cure the

disease of arrogance and egotism. It is the pillar of successful Islamic social life. Consultation in a

family creates lively and dynamic environment. However, consultation needs diligence and

relevance.

Loyalty

Loyalty has relational aspect and a wider meaning. The minimum requirement in a family is that

husband and wife must be loyal to each other in their marital relationship. Infidelity is a grave

sin, punishable in harshest manner. While fidelity is rewarding in both the worlds, infidelity

brings suspicion, mental torture, frustration and a hellish atmosphere in this world and a real

Hell in the Hereafter.

Compromise and Sacrifice

Family is about generations of close knit people living together, with shared space and other

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material resources. Sharing itself needs compromise and sacrifice. Sacrifice has many

dimensions. Proper spending of time and wealth for the family is also sacrifice and in Islam this

is treated as worship. Sacrificing ones opinion for wider benefit is also difficult for many.

Sacrifice starts from the conscious understanding of what it means. It is an inescapable

phenomenon in the world of creating human destiny, in Islamic work. Sacrifice is linked to self-

surrender to Allah and the fullest conviction for Islam. It is an essential Islamic training that

builds an individuals character and personality in order that he plays a meaningful role on

earth. Sacrifice of the last Prophet (pbuh) and his blessed companions, in the wake of

insurmountable barrier, was the stepping stone for the ascendancy of Islam. The history of

mankind teaches one single message, e.g., sacrifice is at the core of victory.

Justice

Justice is at the heart of Allahs creative design. The creation of Heaven and Hell is because of

this unfulfilled justice on earth. The Arabic words, Qist and Adl, are very wider indeed. Justice

is inter-twined with Truth. Maintaining proper balance between rights and responsibilities is also

justice. Justice in the family does not necessarily mean equal share in everything for every one.

In real world, Justice means equitable and balanced dealings. Most importantly, dealings in thefamily should not be seen as unjust, especially by the children. We may not be fully aware,

children are keen observers of what happens around them and what their parents say or do. It

becomes all the more important that parents become extra cautious in their behaviour and

dealings. Family is a mini-state and justice established there has impact on the society.

Openness and Transparency

When parents are open and transparent in their affairs, they have tremendous positive effect on

the children. This may sometimes put parents on the spot, but this is what it should be. Prophet

Muhammads (pbuh) personal and family life was in the full glare of history. If parents attempt

to hide some of their bad habits from their children, they have serious negative consequences

on the childrens personality. Muslim parents cannot play the role of Jekyll and Hyde.

Islamic Ethos

Establishment of an Islamic ethos in the house is the parental responsibility. Children do

contribute to that, according to their age and maturity. When rituals and spirit of Islam are

consciously cultivated and practised in a family, they create a dynamic and happy environment

where each member guards the other from evil. This gives rise to a positive learning atmosphere

in the society.

Together Towards Paradise

Virtue proliferates in a righteous family where husband and wife lead a meaningful Islamic life

(al-Quran 33:35). They protect each other (al-Quran 9:71). Everyone in the family contributes

to the blissful atmosphere. Blessed Muslim families contribute to the blessed societies and

ultimately the ummah of purpose. In a cautious and responsible family no one can fall through

the net. Every one watches out so that no one is lost in pitfall (al-Quran 66:6). Supplication for

children by the parents is rewarding. Allah likes this. This is a prophetic practice. It creates love

and respect for each other. The Quran and Hadith books contain many supplications of this

nature.

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Questions:

1. What is meant by family is the bedrock, cradle for human civilisation?2. What is meant by rights and responsibilities are intertwined with regard to family?3. What is implied by 'the best in conduct'?4. Elaborate virtue proliferates in a righteous family.5. What is the difference between the love for Allah and the love between husband and

wife? How are they connected?

6. " Parents, of course, need to know what is happening in their children's world." Why isthis important and how is this linked to respect?

7. Give a list of the positive outcome and effects of having consultation in afamily.

8. Give 5 examples of important situations in which parents have to exercise justice.9. How and why does lack of openness and transparency from parents have serious

negative consequences on the children's personality?

10.Give 10 ways of establishing an islamic ethos in the house.11.Give a few references in the Quran for supplication for children.