D R . H E N R Y C L O U D

L E A D E RWO R K B O O K

P R E S E N T E D BY:

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Contents

Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 3

How to Use This Guide . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5

Part 1 | Grace + Truth . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 6

Part 2 | Relational Connection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 13

Part 3 | Boundaries . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24

Part 4 | Processing Pain . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37

Part 5 | Becoming an Adult . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53

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Introduction

Who will shepherd the shepherd? Who will care for the caregiver? Being a pastor and leader in the church can be a difficult and draining calling . You are always helping others to grow and to heal . But, pastors and leaders are not immune . They have problems and pain and hurt that they have to process too! We want to provide a safe place for you to begin the healing process in this program .

The basis of this study is the truth that all our problems stem from living in a fallen world where two things happen: we are sinned against and wounded, and also, we have our own failures to contend with . Ultimately that can be described as a failure to reflect the full “image of God .” But the great message of the New Testament is that as we grow up “into Him” and begin to reflect the image of who He is, we get healthier and healthier, and are healed more and more . This program will help guide you through that process and also call you to some rigorous self-examination through questions that at times will pierce your heart, but hopefully motivate you to make changes in your life and enable you to experience the healing God wants to give you .

Since we have not developed the “image” of God in the vital areas of our person, we are not functioning as fully as we were created to function . These tasks involve growing up and into the image of the One who created us and being able to do a few things that God has equipped us to do that bring about healing . The following four tasks—things that God can do but that we, his children, often have difficulty doing –are fundamental to our journey of healing .

• Bonding and connecting to others • Separating and being free from others• Sorting out the good and bad in life• Becoming a competent adult

This guide is designed to help you go beyond understanding these tasks to mastering them .

As you undertake each of these four tasks, the first step is recognizing and understanding the issues surrounding each one and how your current life problems are related to them—understanding, for instance, how a problem with depression can be related to the issue of emotional isolation . The issues in your life are very much related to the people in your life, people who were important to you in the past, and those who are important to you in the present; how you work out these issues today will guide who is important to you in the future and how successful those relationships will be .

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If you are to truly understand the issues of your life, it is crucial that you are honest with yourself about who you are and why you are that way . This kind of honesty—this agreeing with God about our faults, which the Bible calls “confession”—means understanding where we are in light of his standard . Once we understand where we are broken and where we fall short, we can work with God to reclaim those lost parts of his image and experience healing where we have been wounded .

We cannot control what has happened to us in the past, nor can we control the people in our lives now . But we can develop more and more control of ourselves today . We can work with God to make changes in our character and changes in how we relate to the important people in our life . These changes that we make will ultimately be changes that heal, because, through them, we will be redeemed from the damage done in the past and freed to grow our undeveloped parts into his image .

As you work through these tasks, remember that it is God who will work the changes in you and bring you healing . And, since he chooses to administer that healing grace through his people (1 Peter 4:10; Eph . 4:16), it is critical that you do not travel this journey alone . A safe friend and/or a consistent, prayerful support group with whom you can honestly share yourself, with whom you can be vulnerable and real, who are journeying themselves in the healing process, and who are able to share what they are learning will greatly facilitate this healing process . In fact, the presence of such a community is implicit throughout the material .

Now as you begin, let me remind you once again the promise of Philippians 1:6: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus .” Let these powerful words of truth—words that testify about God’s love and compassion—encourage you along the way .

Dr. Henry Cloud

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How to Use This Guide

• In Community – Pastors and church leaders can be some of the loneliest and most isolated people in the world . To heal, you will need the help and prayers of others (Rom . 12:5, 8) . No one would dare try to climb Mt . Everest alone, and no should ever attempt to fix themselves alone . It is in healthy relationships with ourselves, other people, and God that we find healing, and it is these healthy relationships that bring us meaning, purpose, satisfaction, and fulfillment .

• Prayerfully – Even we as pastors and church leaders need to be reminded that we don’t have to do these things by ourselves . God is the One who brings healing, insight, and comfort (2 Cor . 1:3-4), and each step of the way we can turn to him in prayer, asking for guidance, understanding, courage, peace, strength, and hope when we need it . This journey of healing is a journey of prayer .

• Honestly – Change begins with honesty . We are challenged to look inward in Psalm 51:6, “Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart .” The more honest you are with yourself as you work through these lessons, the more you’ll benefit from this guide .

• Courageously – Change does not come easily . Freeing oneself from long-held ways of thinking and deep-seated patterns of feeling and behaving doesn’t happen overnight . Leaving behind the comfortable and familiar even when it’s unhealthy naturally causes nervousness and anxiety . As you begin to move toward making changes that heal, remember that you are not alone on the journey . Jesus is with you (Heb . 13:5), and he has given you his Spirit to guide, comfort, and encourage you (John 14:26) .

• Actively – We tend to think that if we learn truth and have the right ideas in our head, we’ll change, but the Bible teaches otherwise . Jesus says that “everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice” is like a person building a house on rock (Luke 6:47-48) . Yelling at an average person trying to lift 300 lbs . who has never lifted weights to try harder doesn’t help . More is needed than trying . An average person must enter into training . It will take practice and persistence to apply the lessons that you are learning, but if you do, slowly, over time new behaviors will develop, and you will change .

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P A R T 1

Grace + Truth

P R AY E R :

God, you know the pain I carry and the scars from ministry that I bear. You know, too, the hopes I have for wholeness, the dreams I have for freedom from the past, and the goals I have for becoming more like you. As I begin this journey of healing, you also know my fears. So as I start on this journey, God, I ask that you would give me the courage I need to look at myself, the courage to trust you, and the courage to make the changes that, with your blessing, will mean healing, freedom, and Christlikeness. I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.

Grace Grace is the unmerited favor of God toward his people . Grace is something we have not earned and do not deserve . Grace is unconditional love and acceptance .

1 . In ministry when you preach, teach, shepherd, and lead God’s people, where would you place yourself in the grace vs . truth continuum? Why?

Grace —————————————— | ——————————————— Truth

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2 . In your own personal life and family life, where would you place yourself in the grace vs . truth continuum? Why?

Grace —————————————— | ——————————————— Truth

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3 . If you are with your team or spouse, ask them how they perceive you on the grace and truth continuum? Why?

Grace —————————————— | ——————————————— Truth

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4 . Is your church culture, staff culture, and leadership culture more like an AA meeting or more like the armed forces? Why? Why not?

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A reason why you may not be experiencing the changes you want in your life is because change requires all three ingredients: grace, truth, and time . We often apply only two of these three ingredients which either slows or completely stops the process of healing and change .

God does not expect us to change by ourselves . If we could He would not have had to die . He embraced the idea of our inability so much He died for it . He didn’t do it so that we would condemn ourselves, but to remove the judgment that kills the growth and brings us to the grace and truth that are realized in Him over a process of time called sanctification .

5 . One of the primary ways God touches us with His grace is through people . When have you experienced God’s grace through people?

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6 . What are some challenges you face as a pastor/leader entrusting yourself, your story and struggle to other people?

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TruthTruth is what is real . It describes how things really are . It keeps us from falling into the same patterns over and over again . But separated from grace, truth can be mean .

7 . What lies have you told yourself?

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8 . What things have you not been truthful about? What things are you not being truthful about now?

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One reason we need both grace and truth is that truth without grace is judgment . Another reason we need both grace and truth is because grace without truth is license .

John 1:17 (ESV): “For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus

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Christ .”

Only through Jesus can we experience a relationship of grace with the One who is truth . Grace, when combined with truth, invites the true self, the “me” as I really am, warts and all, into a relationship . It is one thing to have safety in relationships; it is quite another to be truly known and accepted in a relationship . A great example of grace and truth in action is Jesus’ encounter with the woman caught in adultery in John 8:3-11 . Though realizing fully that she had sinful desires and actions, He accepted her as she was and gave her direction for the future: “Go now and leave your life of sin .” These two ingredients together—acceptance and direction—bring the real self into relationship . That is the only way to healing .

9 . As a leader in the church, what are some of the challenges and obstacles to sharing your real self?

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10 . When we create a false self in order to protect ourselves or to be accepted, grace and truth cannot heal us . What false self have you created in order to protect yourself or be accepted?

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Grace and truth are a healing combination because they deal directly with one of the main barriers to all growth: guilt . We often have emotional difficulties because we have been hurt (someone has sinned against us), we have rebelled (we have sinned), or some combination of the two . As a result, like Adam and Eve, we feel guilt .

11 . How have particular past events created an experience of guilt in your life? Be specific .

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Time“And He told this parable: “A man had a fig tree planted in his vineyard, and he came seeking fruit on it and found none. And he said to the vinedresser, ‘Look, for three years now I have come seeking fruit on this fig tree, and I find none. Cut it down. Why should it use up the ground?’ And he answered him, ‘Sir, let it alone this year also, until I dig around it and put on manure. Then if it should bear fruit next year, well and good; but if not, you can cut it down.”” Luke 13:6-9 (ESV)

The parable of the fig tree reminds us of the importance of time to our healing and growth .

12 . When you think of the parable of the fig tree, what is more likely to be true of you when it comes to not bearing fruit?

F Excuse it (grace) F Harshly judge its absence (truth)

When we graft grace to truth, we stimulate growth . The trowel of God’s truth enables us to remove the falsehood, sin and hurt that clutter the soil of our souls . The fertilizer of love and relationships enriches the soil .

13 . When it comes to your healing journey, how are you doing with the component of time? Do you appreciate the necessity of time? Are you impatient with the process?

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God uses time in our development process . We cannot will growth; it can only come through grace, truth, and time . Even God’s own Son, Jesus, rested in God’s timing throughout his ministry . He resisted Satan’s “quick fix” offers and later warned against fast growth that has no depth .

Good Time and Bad TimeWe cannot grow when we no longer participate in life . Participation in life is often hindered by childhood trauma, poor parenting, loss, pain, and hurt .

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14 . Has any part of you been pushed outside of time and forced underground so that it no longer participates in life? Have you, for instance, stopped trusting people, stopping sharing your feelings, or stopped saying no? Have you buried your pain?

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God calls us out of the darkness of our past and into the light of experience with Jesus and His body, the Church . When we are in community with God’s people, time can be “good time”—it can transform us and develop us . But if we choose to remain isolated, God cannot use time to redeem our hurts and give us what we missed out on . In that case, time is “bad time,” and no longer redemptive . When we do come out of hiding, God often uses current relationships to provide the nurturing we didn’t receive as children, the mentoring we missed as school-age kids, and the companionship we needed as teenagers . He has promised to take care of us .

15 . It may seem like God is not providing the nurturing you missed out on . Often we don’t have because we don’t ask . What would you like to ask God to provide for you?

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We can all work through the trust issues of infancy, the boundary-setting issues of toddlerhood, the forgiveness issues of young childhood, the role issues of later childhood, and the separation issues of adolescence in our present adulthood . We can all grow up again . In grace-giving relationships, where our true selves are known, accepted, and loved, our personalities can be nurtured and redeemed in God’s masterful process .

16 . Consider the developmental issues that can be short-circuited . Which issues—trust, boundary setting, forgiveness, roles or separation—do you think you need to work on? In what areas do you need to grow up again?

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Facing the truth includes being honest about where we are, acknowledging and meeting the developmental needs of our real self, experiencing the grace of relationships, learning the truth about what God wants for us, obeying the external truth of the precepts of God, and receiving forgiveness from him, which enables us to start again when we fail . It takes time to face and live out these truths, and that’s what God’s redemptive time is all about .