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Glimpses

By Katie Blackthorn

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Table of Contents Just Breathe and Wait It Out.......................................................................................3 Harvest Moon..............................................................................................................4 Stasis...........................................................................................................................5 Libra............................................................................................................................7 Lifeless Living..............................................................................................................8 Finally..........................................................................................................................9 Ode To A Love Letter..................................................................................................11 Afterwards.................................................................................................................13 The Sunflower Field..................................................................................................14 Unbroken Silence.....................................................................................................15 How To Deal With a Friend With a Mental Illness.....................................................16 Love Me Right Meow!...............................................................................................19 Two Puzzle Pieces......................................................................................................20 Loading. Please Wait................................................................................................22 Most Evenings..........................................................................................................23 The Other Day...........................................................................................................24

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Just Breathe and Wait It Out

Patience is an elusive friend He is a mentor with fickle ways

but necessary as blood

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Harvest Moon The Harvest Moon watched my drive home. The air had cooled from the earlier heat and it whipped the hair from my face, making a fall breeze just for me. At first it was a dark red, then faded more orange. And before I knew it, pale yellow. When I first set out it flew by my right window, but by my journey’s end, I found it to my left. The Harvest Moon had danced across the sky, turning a 2 hour drive to a trip down the street. Turning time into a picture, a painting of the Harvest Moon.

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Stasis

I don't know why I feel this way. I'm down, buried,

drowning just a little. I can't fix it.

I don't know why I feel this way.

I had a good day. I had a good week.

Shouldn't I feel good? I can't fix it.

I don't know why I feel this way.

I got to see you, hold you.

Why doesn't that help? I can't fix it.

I don't know why I feel this way.

I love you, I love my friends,

I love my dog, I love my life.

Nothing is wrong, and yet.... I can't fix it.

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I don't know why I feel this way. I just have to accept that it'll happen, but who would want to accept that?

I can't fix it.

I don't know why I feel this way. I don't want to feel this way.

I hate it, Despise it.

I am powerless. I can't fix it.

I don't know why I feel this way.

I can't fix it.

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Libra Balancing the hard, the easy, the worst, and the good.

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Lifeless Living

She walked into the light for the first time in years. For so long the darkness held her dreams captive, her goals under lock and key. Who she wanted to be, the woman she dreamed up when the fifth grade teachers asked her what her older self would be like, slumped into the shadowy corners of the room she barricaded herself inside. No longer did she live, but go through the motions: rise, school, eat, homework, drink, sleep. No longer was there a person in her personality. No longer did she live with the living. That was, until she saw a sliver of light shine from under the door. It illuminated that woman, the one she should have been by now, and brought light to those dreams that long lay in waiting, collecting dust. The woman in the corner gave a delicate smile and looked at the door. Her gaze followed, but the woman was gone when she looked back. It was time to go find her, so she unlocked the door and walked into the light for the first time in years.

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Finally

When I laid in the chair, my stomach swirled and sputtered. I wanted to run. Tattoos aren't too temporary. Then the gun turned on Fear flourished from head to foot. I squished my eyes shut, shoving the sound away from sight. At last the worst part arrived. Needle to nerve. It touched down and I clenched my teeth. Hoping to hinder the hurt a bit. It didn't, but between bursts of burning pain I realized I wasn't crying I was enduring every evil bite. The pain wasn't horrible It wasn't worse than what I thought, but manageable instead, and I showed strength I scarcely saw.

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In the end, the rich black ink pushed me past all the pain. I bore my first tattoo, and it made me more like me.

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Ode to A Love Letter

A piece of paper, a little bit of ink, or maybe graphite, and incomparable emotions. The simple ingredient list of a love letter. A concoction rarely brewed, a product never seen, thoughts that never see the light of day. How do you tell someone your feelings, the love they inspire? How does he know how much he means to you, how much she makes your soul complete? Does a text suffice now? A quick, shorthand note, sent without a second glance. Where are the real feelings, emotions? Where is the passion?

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Every line, full of passion. Every word carefully planned, written slow. Love in physical form. Love obsolete.

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Afterwards

Behind me you stir, breath heavy with sleep,

for a brief moment before you are still once more.

The fan blows softly air that swirls to cool the heated tension,

dispersing the despair, Yet every now and then

a creak sounds out breaking the hard-won quiet, a reminder of the screaming.

The cat shakes his cone pawing for freedom,

only to forfeit. The poor thing hates it.

Giving up, he jumps for you and a soft place on the bed,

keeping it warm for me. for when I'm ready

since that hard-won quiet was won all the same

and the last words spoken revealed love unbroken.

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The Sunflower field Today I fell in love with sunflowers when I passed an endless field. Their necks stretched up to their namesake with every seed revealed. Their crowns shone brighter than gold, wreathing their burnt orange hearts like kings on their thrones, or masters of the arts. Like an unyielding mass, they took over my sight, they occupied my thoughts, and paraded their might. They passed me so quickly, perhaps just a dream. All I see is the sunflower field and a stunning yellow gleam.

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Unbroken Silence

A small duffle waiting to be unpacked, a pile of dirty clothes on the chair, a wrinkled shopping bag on the desk, a laptop open on the dresser, Netflix asking if she was still there. A girl on the bed facing the wall, a text waiting for a reply. A moment in time repeated, an unbroken silence still waiting.

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How To Deal With a Friend With a Mental Illness

Step 1: Acknowledge it. It is something beyond control, something that greatly hinders, something she hates. He is trying, but that’s not always enough, so it’s your job to understand that he can only do so much, that she doesn’t handle things like you can (that she can’t handle things like you can), and that you not understanding this can hurt him more than you know. Step 2: Learn about it: You know it’s there, you know it affects her, so learn about it. Look it up, ask a professional, Google it. Find out causes, triggers, discover how it changes his life. Understand how it works.

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Step 3: Help when you can: Chances are, you won’t solve anything, but you can still help in lots of little ways. Learn which words are the right words to say, to help the situation instead of hurting it. Know which actions are the appropriate ones to take. EX. Your girlfriend has depression, she’s afraid something small you did means you’ll leave her, when it was just a misunderstanding. Instead of getting mad and telling her she’s being ridiculous and unreasonable, and freaking out over nothing, tell her you understand why she felt the way she felt, assure her of why everything is ok, and tell her you love her. Things to remember: DO NOT blame him for having his mental illness. It’s not his fault, he was born that way. He has no more control over having it than you do over what color your eyes are. DO NOT accuse her of using her mental illness as an excuse. It’s not an excuse, it’s probably exactly why what happened happened.

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Chances are, it took a long time for her to accept having it, now it’s your turn to accept her having it. NEVER tell him to just get over it. You wouldn’t tell a deaf person to listen harder, so don’t tell him to try doing what he can’t do. It’s a mental illness, not a mood or attitude. DO go out of your way to show you care. She needs that reassurance more than you understand. Yes, many people don’t need that, but she does. No question. If you care, show it. DO stay positive, even if he doesn’t want it. Positivity is often out of reach for him. Be the extension in his arm so he can reach it You’ll sometimes need to be positive for the both of you.

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Love Me Right Meow! I love my cat, don't get me wrong. He's the cutest cat earth. He's fluffy and soft, cuddly at times, and loves me, for all it's worth. Sometimes, though, I hate him. He really can be a jerk. He knocks stuff over, scratches things, and makes me late for work. He keeps me up for hours each night playing with his toys. The jingling balls, the thumping sounds, I just can't stand that noise! Yet still, he makes up for it with his sweet alter ego, so soft and fat. He'll lay on my chest, lick my face, and I can't help but love my cat.

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Two Puzzle Pieces When I see you the world changes. When I see you I change. Colors are brighter and warmer, and I feel at peace. I feel at home. My problems take a step back, let me breath easy for a while. You are the one that matters, your problems, your worries. How can I fix it all just to see you smile? When you hold me I take a new form, a piece in a machine, molded to another, purposeless without my counterpart. A single piece to a two-piece puzzle. We breathe as one, exist as one. The world has stopped turning so our moment can be ours. All strife has found it's end, and winter is passed for brighter days. When we fight I am broken. I can't eat, or sleep, or breathe. My stomach stirs,

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my hand shake, my heart goes on strike. I am lost, frozen, fearful and trapped. My world goes dark and my sun won't come up. When I miss you I feel wrong. My other half is nowhere around, my signals get fuzzy. The clock makes cruel jokes at my expense. The calendar taunts me, dangles a carrot in front of my nose, pulling it away when I try to lean closer. I'm a left waiting waiting waiting. When we come back together my sun comes back up and I can see once more the reason I woke up.

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Loading. Please Wait. Why do we wish our time away? Why do we stare down our clocks? Why do we count the minutes until a future time arrives? We no longer live in the present or value the time we have. Before we know it, our lives will pass us up, and all our time was spent in waiting. Why do we wish for tomorrow when today is nice too? Why don't we live in the moment when every moment should count Time never stops, it keeps chugging forward. I think it's time to start living it all.

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Most Evenings Most evenings, I watch the sun set from my bedroom window. It goes down above the next building over, probably filling my friend's living room with the warm, late-evening light I wish I had here. Most evenings, when the sun sets, I wonder why I didn't go outside. Why I didn't sit under the sunset, and watch from a soft patch of grass, instead of my hazy window. So rarely do I feel the sun on my skin anymore. So rarely do I feel the breeze creep by. Far too often I close my curtains and hide behind their bleak restraints. I do this to myself. I block myself in, only to regret it each day when the sun sets. Why didn't I go outside? Why does the darkness have such a tight grip? It's beginning to bruise. Most evenings I make a promise to myself that I will not keep. I promise to go feel the sun, get to know him how I used to. We were once so close.... My promises mustn't be worth much anymore. Still, I promise to go outside tomorrow. I have to, because there is no promise that the sun will keep coming up if all I do is watch it go back down.

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The Other Day (Working Title)

The other day it was raining cats and dogs. Except I saw no cats, or dogs for that matter. The other day it rained like a hurricane. I suppose that wouldn't work either, it just rained a lot, nothing was destroyed. The other day the sky bawled its eyes out. Now we're getting somewhere, you can see the nonstop onset of water. The other day the streets turned to swimming pools. Sort of... except this is too abstract, you can't see a relation to weather. The other day the clouds unleashed their dams. I like that, it sounds torrential, but not destructive. Just shit tons of water. The other day the rain took over. A nice different direction, the rain is alive. Personified. Go further. The other day the rain invaded. Sounds more forceful, rendering the narrator helpless. She can't go outside.

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The other day the rain drowned my world. Dramatic, but in a good way. The reader's underwater, winner!