Kardia Formationkardia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/March-2017-Indigo-Daya.… · Kardia...
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Kardia Formation Spiritual Direction in the 21 st Century – Conversation 4 March 2017 Creating a new voice. Indigo Daya | Mental Health & Trauma Speaker & Writer http://www.indigodaya.com/creating-a-voice/ - downloaded 14 March 2016 What happened when compassion replaced clinical objectivity, and creativity replaced compliance. One morning in 2009 I was sitting in the psych ward, working on a plan to kill myself. I was made an involuntary psychiatric patient following a rather extreme type of self-harm, even for me. My home had been rushed by police, ambulance officers and a psychiatric crisis assessment team, and I’d been carted off to the ED, and then the psych ward. I was being plagued by the voice in my head, who I called ‘The Judge’. I thought there was a beast who lived inside me, I thought I was evil and I thought that I had to be destroyed. I felt trapped in an inescapable and tormenting madness. The Judge: This is a drawing I did in hospital of The Judge voice. This was the morning after a meeting with the consultant psychiatrist, and what she’d said had stripped away my last vestiges of fight. She had changed my diagnoses, but not my treatment. Apparently the same treatment would apply no matter what labels I had. She’d told me that getting control of my symptoms and getting back to work was more important than anything else – even more important than my struggle to find a way to stop hating myself. She had listened to me talk about trying to make sense of my childhood traumas, but then told me that I must forget my past and stop any therapy to explore my childhood trauma. You can’t cope with doing this, Indigo, she’d told me in a compassionate voice. And then she went further, contacting my private psychologist and directing him to stop talking to me about my childhood. I did not even attempt to argue with her, because I knew that would only make things worse. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, I always end up in hell, I was thinking to myself. There is no escape from the beast inside me or from the cruelty of others. She has not heard. She has not understood. Everything in this system is designed to trap and trick me deeper into hell. I had given up.
Transcript of Kardia Formationkardia.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/March-2017-Indigo-Daya.… · Kardia...
Kardia Formation
Spiritual Direction in the 21st Century – Conversation 4 March 2017
Creatinganewvoice.IndigoDaya|MentalHealth&TraumaSpeaker&Writer
http://www.indigodaya.com/creating-a-voice/-downloaded14March2016
Whathappenedwhencompassionreplacedclinicalobjectivity,andcreativityreplacedcompliance.
Onemorningin2009Iwassittinginthepsychward,workingonaplantokillmyself.
Iwasmadeaninvoluntarypsychiatricpatientfollowingaratherextremetypeofself-harm,evenforme.Myhomehadbeenrushedbypolice,ambulanceofficersandapsychiatriccrisisassessmentteam,andI’dbeencartedofftotheED,andthenthepsychward.Iwasbeingplaguedbythevoiceinmyhead,whoIcalled‘TheJudge’.Ithoughttherewasabeastwholivedinsideme,IthoughtIwasevilandIthoughtthatIhadtobedestroyed.Ifelttrappedinaninescapableandtormentingmadness.
TheJudge:ThisisadrawingIdidinhospitalofTheJudgevoice.
Thiswasthemorningafterameetingwiththeconsultantpsychiatrist,andwhatshe’dsaidhadstrippedawaymylastvestigesoffight.Shehadchangedmydiagnoses,butnotmytreatment.ApparentlythesametreatmentwouldapplynomatterwhatlabelsIhad.She’dtoldmethatgettingcontrolofmysymptomsandgettingbacktoworkwasmoreimportantthananythingelse–evenmoreimportantthanmystruggletofindawaytostophatingmyself.
Shehadlistenedtometalkabouttryingtomakesenseofmychildhoodtraumas,butthentoldmethatImustforgetmypastandstopanytherapytoexploremychildhoodtrauma.
Youcan’tcopewithdoingthis,Indigo,she’dtoldmeinacompassionatevoice.Andthenshewentfurther,contactingmyprivatepsychologistanddirectinghimtostoptalkingtomeaboutmychildhood.Ididnotevenattempttoarguewithher,becauseIknewthatwouldonlymakethingsworse.
NomatterwhatIdo,nomatterhowItry,Ialwaysendupinhell,Iwasthinkingtomyself.Thereisnoescapefromthebeastinsidemeorfromthecrueltyofothers.Shehasnotheard.Shehasnotunderstood.Everythinginthissystemisdesignedtotrapandtrickmedeeperintohell.
Ihadgivenup.
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
Youcan’twinanargumentwithapsychiatrist,Idecided,notever.Ifyoutry,theyjustsayyouhavenoinsightandputyouonatreatmentorder.
Iknewthisdoctorwasagoodpersonandshehadn’tmeanttohurtme.Iknewshewasn’tcruel.Iknewshewasn’tstupid.Despitethefactthatwhatshe’djustdonefeltexactlylikehowacruelpersonwouldstupidlydestroymyhope.ShewasastrappedinthissystemasIwas,butshegotbenefitsandIgotdespair.
ImmediatelyaftermeetingwithherIconcludedthatdeathwasmyonlyremainingoption.Iwasworkingonasuicideplan,whenoutoftheblueIgotaphonecallfromacolleagueandfriend.
ShetoldmethatAndrew(nothisrealname),someoneIknewandrespectedfromtheUKHearingVoicesMovement,hadflownintoAustraliathatday.WhenheheardIwasinthehospital,Andrewhadinsistedoncomingouttovisitmestraightaway–andtheywereontheirwaynow.
Andrewisamentalhealthworkerwithhisownlivedexperience.Iwassurprisedandhonoredthathewantedtoseeme.Thiswasatinylittlelightthatdrewmetorushofftomyroomandgetoutofmycrumpledmintgreenhospitalpyjamasbeforehearrived.
Theextraordinaryimpactofusingcompassionandcreativity
Andrewarrivedatthehospitalandaskedthenursestogiveusaprivateroomtotalkin.Itwasthesameroomthepsychiatristmetmein,andyetitwasn’t.
Thecheaptubchairsheldthesamerigidshape.Theglasswallsremainedsolidintheirfrostydemeanor.Thecarpetsatstiffandtightinitsunremarkablepracticality.
Andyettheroomnolongerfeltlikeacoldlab.IdidnotfeellikeIwasadisturbingandpassivesubjectunderexaminationbyscientists.Ididnotfeellikeothersweretryingtofixthebitsofmethattheythoughtwerebroken.Ididnotfeelpowerless.
Instead,thisroombecameagallerythatwantedtoexplorethefullpicture.Itbecamearecordingstudiothatheardmeinhi-fidelity.Itbecameasafespacethatwaswarmedwithgenuinecare.Itbecamealibrarywherewisdomwassharedandexploredandequal.Spacesmatter,butpeoplecanmakeallthedifference.
Andrewsatnexttome,notacrossfromme.Hedidn’tmakenotesinhisownfile(hedidn’thaveafile),butwewrotethingstogetherinmyownjournal.Unlikethedoctors,Andrewdidn’taskmequestionsthatwereobviouslyfromapre-determinedlist.Instead,hefollowedthedirectionthatIset,andmystoryandpainwastheguide.Andrewdidn’tshutdownmyweirdness,insteadhewantedtoknowmoreaboutit.Heknewthatmyexperiencesmatteredtome,andthatthemeaningwouldcomefrommeratherthanfromadiagnosticmanual.
TheBeast:Thisisanotherdrawingfrommyjournalinhospital.Itwasofan evilcreaturethatIthoughtlivedinsideme.Iwasterrifiedofit.
WhenImentionedmydrawingsinmyjournal,Andrewdidn’ttellmetoput itdownandfocusonhisquestion,butinsteadheaskedtoseeitandhearmore.WhenIaskedhimquestions,Andrewdidn’tgivemeanswers.Instead we
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
eachsharedideasthatweunpackedtogether.Therewasneverthatslightexpressionchangethatwouldsneakthroughonthedoctor’sfaces,whenyoujustknowtheythinkyou’reravingbonkers,buttheytrytohideit.Wecanalwaysseethatlook.Duringmytwo-hourconversationwithAndrewIfeltsafeandheard.Evenmorethanthat,Ifeltlikewewerepartners,workingtogethertoexploreacomplexandscaryterritory.
Together,inmyjournal,AndrewandIdrewupamapofthedifferentpartsofme.WelookedattheJudgevoicethathadbeentormentingme,butwelookedathimasjustonepartamongstthemanypartsthatmakeupmywhole.IrealisedthattheJudgehadlotsofpoweroveralltheotherparts,andIcouldseethatthispowerwaswayoutofbalance.That’swhyIwashere,inthishospital.
Andrewaskedmeabouthisname,‘TheJudge’.Thisquestionhelpedmetoseethatapartofhispurposewasobviousinhisname:hewasacritic,hewastheholderofmymoralvalues,andheheldmetoaccountagainstthesevalueswithasavageandunwaveringfocus.TheJudge’sviewwasprettymuchthatImustbeentirelyandabsolutelygoodandpure,orImustdie.Andrewtoldmethatalmosteveryonehasacriticpartofthemselves,andsometimestheycanbeverystrong.
AsIsatthere,thinkingabouthowterrifyingandbrutaltheJudgecouldbe,Andrewsharedhisownreflection:
ItsoundsliketheJudgehasalotofresponsibility.Iwonderifhemightbelonely.
Wow.
Seriously,wow.
Thiswassoveryhuman.Sokind.SounlikeanythingIhadeverthoughtaboutthejudgebefore.Sounlikeanythinganyonehadeversaidtomebefore.Andcertainlynotthekindofthingapsychiatristmightsay.Iwasonadifferentplanet.
Lonelinessandresponsibility.NotsodifferenttohowIhavefeltmyselfmanytimesinlife.Whenyoufeelresponsibleforalot,andyoufeelalonetoo,itcanbeoverwhelming.Itcanbehardtoholdontocompassion.
Andrew’ssimplebutinsightfullittlecommentinstantlytooksomestingoutofmyexperienceoftheJudge.Ithelpedmetoseehimasmorehumanandfallible.Itmademethink,forthefirsttime,abouthowtheJudgemightfeel,insteadofhowIfeel.
Imean,IknewthatmyvoiceandIwereoneandthesame–butstill,weweredifferenttoo.TheJudgehadajobtodo,hefoundithard,andhewasaloneinhisstruggle.Maybethatwaspartofwhyhewassoharsh?
Anewideabegan,onlyjust,togrowinme.TheideaoflisteningtotheJudgewithcompassion,ratherthanwithfear.Overtimethisideawouldopenupmanynewavenuesinmyrecovery.
AndrewhadnotedearlierthatIalsohadapartofmythatwasa‘helper’.Ireflectedthatmostlymyhelpercaredaboutotherpeople,notme.AndAndrewwonderedifIcouldaskmyhelperparttohelpmetodialoguewiththeJudge.WeexploredsomequestionsthatmyhelperselfcouldasktheJudge.QuestionsthatwouldhelpmetobetterunderstandtheJudge,likewhyhewasthere,andwhathereallywanted.Thiswasalsotoleadtomanybreakthroughsforme,overtime.
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
Weexploredsomeofmydisownedselves,like‘thevulnerablechild’,‘thenurturer’,‘thebeast’,and‘mindfulme’.Theseweremuchhardertotalkabout.Ifeltuncomfortable,awkward.Ididn’tlikeanyofthoseparts,itwasweirdtoacknowledgethattheywerethereatall.AndtalkingabouttheBeastwasfrightening.Thiswasthedisgusting,evilpartofme.ThispartwaswhytheJudgewantedmetobepunishedortodie.
AndrewmadeagentlesuggestionthattheBeastmightbeabletotransforminto‘thelover’ifIcouldfindawaytogiveitsomespaceandtime.
Atthetimeitseemedlikeanastonishingsuggestion.IthoughtperhapsAndrewwasconfused.Itmadenosensetomewhyhewouldsaysuchathing.Asatanicbeastturningintosomethingtodowithlove?How?Whatdidhemean?Theveryideaseemedbothnonsensicalandsomehowperverted.
Ofcourse,Ilookbackandit’sobvious.Ididn’tnameanytypeofsexualorlovingself.It’ssuchafundamentalthingthatwaswhollymissingfrommymapofme,frommylife.ButIhadtoldAndrewaboutthesexualassaultandabductioninmychildhood,andthenIhadshownhimmydrawingoftheBeast.
Iguessthat’safeatureofmadness.Thethingsthattormentusbecomesolargeandloudthattheylosetheirshapeandsubstance.Wecan’tseewhattheyareanymore.Wehearthescreamingoftruth,butthewordsbecomeunintelligible,anotherlanguagefromanother,strangeplacewherepainhasdistortedreality.
AndrewandIexploredgentlewaystotransformtheBeastpartofme,toletitfinditsplaceasaprimaryself,ratherthansomethingIdisownedandwantedtodestroy.HesuggestedthatIdrawonmymindfulself,thatIinvitemyvulnerablechildouttoplay,thatIwriteletterstoit.
Thishasbeenajourneythathastakenyears,buttodayIactuallydothinkofthispartofmeasmy‘InjuredLover’,notasa‘Beast’.
Ievenhaveapaintingthatshowsthetransformationofthispartofme,fromsomethingterrifyingandevilintosomethingbeautifulandhurt.
Inmypainting,theinjuredloverisslowlygrowing,likeaeucalyptusseedaftertheravagesofabushfire.Icomebacktothispaintingandreworkiteveryyearorso.Myinjuredloverisstillinjured,probablyalwayswillbe.Andit’snotreallyaprimaryselfyet.Istillforgetaboutitoften,andsometimesIwishitwasn’tthereatall.Butitis,andIknowthatcaringforthispartofmeiscentralpartofmyhealing.ThisworkremindstheJudgethatthereisnobeast,noevil,justavulnerableandhurtloverthatneedsourcare.Thiskeepsmetogether,often.
Andfinally,camethepenultimatecreative,healingideafromAndrew.Thisonewasahumdinger.
Andrewaskedmesomethingstrange:
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
Iwonderifthereisanyonewhocouldjob-sharewiththejudge?Youknow,sohe’snotsoalone?Couldyoucreate
anothervoicetoworkwiththeJudge?
IsaidI’dthinkaboutit.Frankly,Ithoughtitwaswhacky.
ButIrespectedAndrewsomuchthatIhadtogiveitsomethought.Plus,itwassowhacky,andsosubversive,soutterlytheoppositeofwhatanyonehadeversuggested,soobviouslysomethingthatIknewwouldmakemypsychiatristimmediatelyalarmed,thatitjustkindofcharmedme.Tobehere,stuckinapsychward,hearingvoices,andcontemplatingcreatinganewvoicetohelpme.Bloodynuts.Iwasgoingtotryit.
AfterAndrewleftIfeltenergised.Ihadworktodo:SecretRecoveryBusiness.IdismantledthesuicideplanthatI’dpreviouslyputintoaction.Imadeacommitmenttolife.
Thetaskofcreatinganewvoice
AllnightIthoughtaboutcreatingapalforthejudge.Ineededsomerelieffromhim,andthemoreIthoughtaboutit,themoreitmadesensetohaveatleasttwojudgestosharetheload,ratherthanonetired,furiousoldman.
Butwhocouldthisnewvoicebe?
InitiallyIwantedtocreatetheDalaiLamaasanewvoice.Ialwaysthoughtheseemedtoradiatepeaceandacceptance,heseemedanaturalcounter-balancetotheJudge.ButIdidn’twantanothermaninmyhead.
Itossedandturned,tryingtothinkofawomanwhorepresentswisdomandkindness.WhoIcouldtrusttomaketherightdecision.Whowasinnatelygood.
Andfinallyitcametome.
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
Iknow,dearreader,thatthiswillsoundinordinatelycheesyandmaydiminishmeinyoureyes.Ihopeyouunderstand.
MrsIngallsfrommyfavouritechildhoodTVshow,‘LittleHouseonthePrairie’.
ItwasMrsIngalls.ThemotherfrommyfavouritechildhoodTVshow,‘LittleHouseonthePrairie’.Look,Iknowsheisnotcool.ButIwasnotinacoolplace;Iwaslosingmymindandtryingtostayalive.AndMrsIngalls,well,shemademefeelsafe.Stilldoes,actually.Sostickwithme.MrsIngallsisdabomb.
Likemostkids,televisiongavemeanotherworldtoescapeinto.Foratime,myfavouriteplacetoescapewasintotheworldofLittleHouseonthePrairie.Thiswesternfamilydramawasastapleforheapsof70skids(itwaseitherthisorTheWaltons),anditwouldprobablybelaughedoffthescreenstoday.
Itsmoralsweresimple,itscharacterswerestereotypesandeverythingalwaysworkedoutintheend.Itwasnothinglikemyreallife,oranyoneelse’s,andIlovedittobits.
IwastornbetweenchildishadorationofbothsistersintheIngallsfamily:MaryandLaura.IaspiredtoMary’skindheartandstudiouscommitment,Ireallydid,butultimatelyIwouldguiltilyidentifymorewithyoungersisterLaura’sindependentspiritandwildadventures.Probablyjustlikeeveryotherkidgluedtotheshow.
Sometimes,whenIwaslittle,IwishedthatIwaspartoftheIngallsfamily,evenwiththeirdirtfloorandwornoutclothes.MrsIngallswasgentleandwise,CharlesIngallswasstrongandprotective,andtheywerealwaysthereforeachother.Everyepisodehitthislittlefamilywithanewhardship,andeveryepisodetheybattledtheirwayoutofit,together.Everybattlegaveusalessonaboutcourage,ortenacity,orsacrifice,orkindness.
Thoseofuswhogrewupwiththislittlegemofashowmayrememberaparticularstandoutepisode.MrsIngallswasinatthegeneralstore,planningtobuysomepractical,hard-wearingandcheapcottonforanewSundaydress.Buttheobnoxious,loud-mouthedMrsOlsen,proprietressofthegeneralstore,andvillainthatwealllovedtohate,wasinform.ShewassoutterlypatronisingtoMrsIngallsaboutwhatwassuitableforawomanofhermeansthatMrsIngallsgaveintoherpride,andboughtalengthoffancyfabricfarbeyondthefamilybudget.Itwasoutofcharacterforher.Inthislittleworld,itwasshocking.Charles,herhusband,wasofcourseforgiving,butyoucouldseethestrainpullingattheedgeofhischiselledmanlyfeatures.Seehimthinkingabouthowmuchmoretimberhe’dhavetomillandhowmanymorefieldshe’dhavetoplant,justtopayforthispieceofprettynonsense.
Lateonenight,asMrsIngallsstitchedawayatherinappropriatefloralbluedressbythelightofheroillamp,andeveryoneelseslumberedintheiroff-kilterhandmadebeds,wesawherrealisewhatshehaddone.Howpridehadmadeherforgetherfamily.Shestayedupallnightsewing,whilewelistenedtodramaticmusic,andwhenthegirlsgotupthenextmorningandclimbeddowntheladderfromtheiratticbedroom,loandbehold:twolittledresseshadbeensewninthenight–oneeachforLauraandMary.Theywouldhavetheprettiestdressesofallthegirlsinthetownship.MrsIngallsfoundawaytoturnhererrorofjudgementintoagiftforhergirls.HowcouldyounotadoreMrsIngalls?
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
ThiswasthewomanIthoughtcouldhelpsaveme.InmanywaysshewastheoppositeofeverythingthattheJudgedidandsaid.But,liketheJudge,shehadstrongmoralsandshealwaysfoundawayoutofanyproblem.Shewasperfect.
ThenextdayIgrabbedasheetofbrightyellowcardboardfromtheartroom,andfoldeditintwo,lengthwise.OntheleftsideIwrote:‘TheJudge’.OntherightIwrote‘MrsIngalls’.Andforthenexttwodaysitwentwithmeeverywhere.Foldedandunfolded,againandagain.AndeverytimetheJudgemadeacomment,pronouncementororder,Iwouldwriteitdowninhiscolumn.AndthenIwouldaskMrsIngallsforheropinion,andwritethatdowntoo.
Ididn’thearMrsIngallsinthewaythatIheardtheJudge.Ididn’tactuallycreateanewvoice,notreally.ButIknew,instinctivelyandinstantly,whatherresponsewouldbe.Igrewupwiththatshow,andMrsIngallswasingrainedintomyinnerchild.
So,theJudgewouldsaysomethinglike,filthywhore,youhavetodie.AndthenMrsIngallswouldsay,MydarlingIndigo,theseareveryhardwords,andIdon’tbelievethemandIwon’tusethem.Weallhavegoodnessinus.Youmustlive,andfocusonyourgoodness.
Itwasastrangeexperience,butitgavemestrength.Ididn’ttellmydoctorsaboutitthough—admittingtopsychiatriststhatonehasinventedanewvoiceinordertomakesenseofanexistingvoiceisnotahelpfulwaytogetdischarged.Well,notyet,anyway.
Inawayitdidhelpmegetdischarged,eventhoughno-oneelseknewit.BecauseithelpedmetostartrelatingtotheJudgeinawhollydifferent,andkinderway.CreatinganinternalMrsIngallsawakenedthecompassionatepartofmyself.Itdidn’tstoptheJudge.Itdidn’tchangethecontentofwhathesaid,orhowhesaidit.ButitbegantochangehowIfeltaboutwhattheJudgesaid.Itbegantochangemyresponses,too.
OneafternoonIgotleavetogoandseemyprivatepsychologist.ItalkedtohimabouthowIwastryingtofindmorecompassionformyvoice,withouttoomuchdetailabouttheprocess.SoheloanedmeabookbyThichNhatHanh,calledAnger:Wisdomforcoolingtheflames.
Thisbookwasanotherrevelation.Ididn’tagreewithallofit.Andsomedaysthecalm,poeticbeautyofThichNhatHanh’swritingmademewanttopunchhislightsout(Iwasnot,obviously,inacalm,poeticorbeautifulplaceorstateofmind).Buttherewasaninnatewisdominhiswords.HiswritinggavemeextratoolstofindcompassionfortheJudge.
IbegantovisualizetheJudgeasanangry,screamingbabyindistress.AndIwouldholdmyhandtoforehead,thewaythatamotherdoestoasickchild,thewaythatMrsIngallswould,andwhispertotheJudge,Iloveyou,Ihearyou,Iknowyouarehurting,Iknowyouonlywantmetobegood.
Gettingfreeofhospitalandontomyhealingpath
Betweenthecompassionatecreativityofapeerwhoworkedwithmeratherthanonme,thekindwordsofanimaginarywomanfromlatenineteenthcenturymidwestAmerica,andthecompassionateactionsinspiredbythewordsofanexiledVietnameseBuddhistmonkpoet,Ifoundwaystostophurtingmyself.
Ifoundthefragileedgeofcompassionandclutchedontoitwithmyfingernails.Ididn’treallyfeelittruly.Itwasjustatinybeginning.Asingleicecube,totteringinaseaofwild,storminglava.Butitwasenough.
KardiaFormation:SpiritualDirectioninthe21stCenturyConversation–14March2016
ItwasenoughthatIstoppedself-harming.ItwasenoughthatImadeadecisiontokeepgoingonmyhealingjourney,butwithsomenewstrategies.ItwasenoughthatImadeadecisiontogetoutofthishospitalhellsoIcouldfindnewpeoplewhowouldunderstandandworkwithmetohelpunderstandmytrauma.ItwasenoughformetocarefullyworkoutwhatIhadtodoinordertogetdischarged,andthendoit.
Istoppedcomplainingaboutmydiagnosesandpills.IkeptastraightfacewhileIsaidthatIthoughtthepillsmustbemakingthingsclearerforme.Itoldthepsychiatristthat,onreflection,shewasright.Iwantedtogetbacktowork,toputthisbusinessbehindme.ShewasrighttosaythatIshouldn’ttalkaboutmypastanymore.Isatdownintheartroomandwroteupafakerecoveryplan,andfilleditwithloadsofstuffthatIknewthepsychiatristwouldapproveof.Iwilltakeupsomeofmyoldhobbiestokeepbusy.IwilldistractmyselfwhenIthinkofthepast.Iwillaskmytherapisttodoarefresherwithmeoncopingskills.Iwillputaposteronmyfridgetoremindmetotakemypills.IwillstaywithfriendsorfamilyonceaweeksoIdon’tgetisolated.Iwilltakethingsslowly.Actually,Ididdothelasttwothings.
Ishowedthepsychiatristandshebeamed.Ithinkmygrademovedfroma‘C’toa‘B+’.Wearemakinggreatprogress,Indigo.Ithinkwecanstarttoplanyourdischarge.
InlessthanaweekIhadatrialstayathomewithoutincident.ThenIwasoutofhospital.AfewoutreachvisitsfromanursewhereIwascarefultosaythingsthatwould‘demonstrateinsight’.Imadesuretoaskforadviceabouthowtoremembertotakemypillsbecause‘sometimesI’mforgetful’.Forsomereason,servicesseemtobemuchlesscontrollingofuswhenweactlesscompetent,showlessconfidence,andaskfortheirhelp.
Then,whenIwasfreeofitall,oneofthefirstthingsIdidwastofindmyselfaspecialistsexualassaultcounsellor,ataservicecalledCASA(CentresAgainstSexualAssault).Itwasafreeservice,anditwasextraordinary.Fulloffeministsandfreedomandcreativecompassionandalmostthecompleteoppositeofapsychiatricward.Thesecondwastoslowlyreduceandthenstoptakingtheantipsychoticpills.IneededtobeabletothinkandtofeelifIwasgoingtodothistraumawork.
Myactionswerethecompleteoppositeofthepsychiatrist’smedicaladvice.AndeventhoughIhadbeenofficiallynuts,itturnedoutthatIwasstillright.Thisdidindeedbecomeapathofhealingforme,andIneverwentbacktohospitalorapsychiatristagain.
IwillbeforevergratefulforthatvisitfromAndrew.Thepsychiatricsystemhadfailedme,utterly.Ithadfailedtolistentowhatmatteredtome.Ithadfailedtoeventryandseemyexperiencethroughmyeyes.Ithadfailedinbeingtrauma-informed,recoveryorientedorperson-centred.Ithadtriedtocontrolmeandlimitmeanddrugme.ButIwaslucky.Ifoundsomeonewhoheardmeandpartneredwithme.Whoofferedcompassioninsteadofclinicalobjectivity,andencouragedcreativityinsteadofcompliance.
Thereisapartofmystorythatstillgnawsatme.Myhealingandfreedomwereamatterofluck,notdesign.Almostno-onegetsthekindofopportunitythatIwasgiventhatday.Andalmosteverydayofmylife,IthinkaboutallthethousandsofpeopleinpsychiatricserviceswhowillnevergetavisitfromsomeonelikeAndrew,whowillnevergetthekindofcompassionandcreativitythatenabledmetofindmyhope,myfreedomandmyhealingpath.Whatwillhappentothem?
